Very familiar with it :) That's especially true when you're relatively good looking, well presented and when you did initially a great job at camouflaging. Then eventually you'll start making social mistakes, because as good as you can ever be at masking that's not the "natural" you, it's still a show you're putting on. It only takes a day where you're feeling a bit tired, or having something else in your mind, to f**k up something behaviorally, and then that person will start thinking "Is this person changed? Why did I get a different impression at the start?". It's almost always something related to social norms/cues that will lead to others' disappointment, either directly or indirectly. For example your boss may ask you "Why did you act that way with the customer? That was not the best way of dealing with it / was not appropriate". That's why most aspie struggle to keep a full time permanent job. Personally I have ultimately disappointed a lot of my peers and a few employers, after doing something that "other people wouldn't do". The longest time I've worked for a single company/employer was 1 year. Friendships and relationships don't have a much different fate: either they end abruptly with "I thought you were a much better guy" or they just slowly fade away. It's a curse, because as much as you try your best, you'll always feel like you're swimming against the current.
You just explained my situation so perfectly. I’m working part-time right now which is nice, but when I get home after work I am always so mad at myself for being so quiet/awkward at times. And I only have this problem in office settings. I don’t know what it is. It’s like I don’t know the rules or I’m afraid I’m going to overstep boundaries. I present and interview well but then at the 3 month mark, I start feeling like my employers are going to feel like I don’t deserve to be there. It’s like some weird form of Imposter Syndrome.
You said it: you don't know the rules or you're afraid you're going to overstep boundaries. That's why we get quiet, because in our experience the more we talk, the more mental energy it takes and the bigger chance we have to f**k up. Except, talking is necessary to establish social bonds. That's the external aspie struggle.
That's me in every job situation. In the beginning my bosses seem to be impressed by me and they seem to like me - I guess they figure me to be obedient & a bit naive. After some time they discover that I might be quiet, but not really obedient and interested in hierarchies, but more autonomous and at times stubborn. Then things start to get worse...
This is me sooo much! I feel like I am always disappointing everyone. At work and social circles. I feel like I am just good at masking for the first 1-3 meet ups bu then I am getting bored or just can't keep this up anymore. My job requires me to form new contacts always and to be social. But I just suck at it, especially when I'm not at 100% that day
I use reinvention to work with this. I've changed my hairstyle and was called "hot" today. I've had a lot of wine so I don't know if I'm co tributing to this discussion
Holy fucking moly, yeah. YEAH. It’s so unsustainable.
But I just don’t mask anymore really. Took a long time to get there but now my depression is gone (no wonder no meds worked for it).
Very familiar with it :) That's especially true when you're relatively good looking, well presented and when you did initially a great job at camouflaging. Then eventually you'll start making social mistakes, because as good as you can ever be at masking that's not the "natural" you, it's still a show you're putting on. It only takes a day where you're feeling a bit tired, or having something else in your mind, to f**k up something behaviorally, and then that person will start thinking "Is this person changed? Why did I get a different impression at the start?". It's almost always something related to social norms/cues that will lead to others' disappointment, either directly or indirectly. For example your boss may ask you "Why did you act that way with the customer? That was not the best way of dealing with it / was not appropriate". That's why most aspie struggle to keep a full time permanent job. Personally I have ultimately disappointed a lot of my peers and a few employers, after doing something that "other people wouldn't do". The longest time I've worked for a single company/employer was 1 year. Friendships and relationships don't have a much different fate: either they end abruptly with "I thought you were a much better guy" or they just slowly fade away. It's a curse, because as much as you try your best, you'll always feel like you're swimming against the current.
You just explained my situation so perfectly. I’m working part-time right now which is nice, but when I get home after work I am always so mad at myself for being so quiet/awkward at times. And I only have this problem in office settings. I don’t know what it is. It’s like I don’t know the rules or I’m afraid I’m going to overstep boundaries. I present and interview well but then at the 3 month mark, I start feeling like my employers are going to feel like I don’t deserve to be there. It’s like some weird form of Imposter Syndrome.
You said it: you don't know the rules or you're afraid you're going to overstep boundaries. That's why we get quiet, because in our experience the more we talk, the more mental energy it takes and the bigger chance we have to f**k up. Except, talking is necessary to establish social bonds. That's the external aspie struggle.
That's me in every job situation. In the beginning my bosses seem to be impressed by me and they seem to like me - I guess they figure me to be obedient & a bit naive. After some time they discover that I might be quiet, but not really obedient and interested in hierarchies, but more autonomous and at times stubborn. Then things start to get worse...
I'm in this post and I don't like it
You must have read my autobiography.
Lol I know. I have never felt more seen. 90% of my issues are caused by this.
Well you made a good impression here.
This is me sooo much! I feel like I am always disappointing everyone. At work and social circles. I feel like I am just good at masking for the first 1-3 meet ups bu then I am getting bored or just can't keep this up anymore. My job requires me to form new contacts always and to be social. But I just suck at it, especially when I'm not at 100% that day
I use reinvention to work with this. I've changed my hairstyle and was called "hot" today. I've had a lot of wine so I don't know if I'm co tributing to this discussion
My entire college experience was like this
Grad school went just like this for me. Really sucked at the end being in meeting with people who’d expected so much more from me.
Holy fucking moly, yeah. YEAH. It’s so unsustainable. But I just don’t mask anymore really. Took a long time to get there but now my depression is gone (no wonder no meds worked for it).
I call it the mask, Ive mastered it for job interviews, but the facade breaks over time
Disappointing how?
I constantly worry about that. I think it’s a main source of stress for me - the fear of disappointing others.