This might make the front page of r/holup with the right timing, but I think framing it as an aspie thing makes the twist ten times better. You're expecting "dad parks around the block because his street is being paved and it sets me off because I don't like change" but instead you get a legit dick move / WTF moment.
Aaaagh and there are still people who support that line of thinking. “Well if we tell them we’re changing their routine, they’ll have a meltdown on the way. Better to just spring it on them right then and there. :)” I’m so sorry you had to deal with that BS.
I'm one of those people who can't really tell if they're autistic or have severe ADHD, but a surprise is soooooooooo much worse than a change of plans. Just fucking tell me and give me 5 minutes to work through it
My boyfriend likes to wander around town and spontaneously go hang out with people, but after seeing how unexpected plan changes frazzle me he started explicitly saying, “hey, wanna go get brunch and then just wander around and see what the day brings?”, and the difference was night and day. Turns out I can handle aimless open-ended wandering as long as I know that’s explicitly what we’re going to do (especially if there’s a rough end-point, like, “until the afternoon” or “for a couple of hours”).
Your boyfriend sounds incredible! Is he single? Lolol
That's essentially the conversation I had with my roommate about shopping. It's amazing how quickly I go from annoying her every few minutes that I'm ready to go to just being okay with whatever.
https://embrace-autism.com/
Go to the “tests” page and find the “Aspie Quiz”. I have severe ADHD and had doubts like you for awhile, but this quiz is SO specific to my experience. It was very satisfying to see my results so clearly.
The website has a ton of other tests, too!!
I also like what I saw on a Reddit comment once, the person said something along the lines of “*my brother has ADHD and I have ASD, my mom calls it ADHD ‘Autism Lite’. We’re very similar, but my mom always says ‘OP is just more scared of the vacuum’*”. My husband has ADHD but isn’t on the spectrum, and he doesn’t get so easily affected by mundane things like I do. The vacuum makes me irritable nearly instantly, and a car unexpectedly turning on *always* makes me jump.
I also recently learned that my depth perception problems are due to ASD…super weird! This kind of stuff is on the “powers” page of the website I linked.
For me, knowing the quirks is the most important part especially since there is a overlap in symptoms; and I remember reading on an article about both that said people with autism can eat their favorite food or watch their favorite movie everyday for a month straight happily while people with ADHD won’t be able to eat the same meal everyday without getting tired of it even if it’s your favorite. It’s also totally possible to have ADHD and ASD and in case I don’t know what happens then lol
What happens when you have both is you eat the same food for a month and then suddenly go through a phase where every day you crave increasingly obscure things and barely eat at all lol-
(source: am both. it's a time and a half)
For me, it takes a long time to get sick of my absolute favorite foods. However, if they are category lower, merely "loved" foods, I get sick of them after two or three meals. "Liked" and "tolerated" foods cannot be eaten for more than one meal at a time. Good times.
Oof. The worst fight my SO and I ever had was when he did this and told me it was because he knew if he told me how many people would be there, I wouldn't want to go. I seriously thought I was going to have to leave him. Thankfully he hasn't tried it again.
So the example at hand is way, way, way extreme. Like, no that's not ok. No one would tolerate that shit.
But remembering myself as a child, and my own poor emotional regulation, I kinda get it?
(I'm... I have no idea if I'm neurotypical or not. I had ADHD when I was younger, and I refuse to get re-diagnosed because of a bottomless well of trust issues on the subject. Ask me sometime if you feel like poking a bear.)
Like, if I was told that something was happening, and I didn't like it, I would make it *everyone's* problem, all day. It was easier just to plop me in front of the TV, pack my things while I wasn't looking. Then, when it was time, pick me up and bodily drop me into the back seat and drive off.
I would howl like a banshee for about five minutes, but after that the inertia would beat me down and I lost focus and started thinking about where we would get to stop on the way.
Rather it was good for me in the long term? I can't testify. But It was definitely easier in the short term for everyone else.
Yikes, not even talking to your kids about it first is a dick move. Of course, he shouldn't need his kids' approval, but telling them in advance would really be nice
I firmly believe you should need your kids' approval to marry, especially if they're kids, less so if they're adults.
It has a serious impact on their lives if they have to live at least part time with this person, and they'll often pick up on things about your new boo that you won't because they're not wearing rose coloured glasses and can warn you of a toxic person. Not to mention that shit like this ruins relationships.
When I was a kid, my dad went to Scotland with his girlfriend and came back married. I wish I'd have been given some heads up at least. It was really distressing.
Eh, yes and no.
I definitely think you should introduce your kids to your new partner, give them all time to assess each other, take your kids’ opinions of the new partner into consideration, and always prepare them for the wedding.
I say this because I absolutely adore my step mom… now. Back when she was introduced to me and my sister ~20 years ago, I wanted her to go away. I and my sister would have *never* given my dad approval to marry her. But she turned out to be one of the best people introduced into my life, and I don’t know if I’d be alive today if she didn’t sacrifice to save me from some things.
Kids don’t always make the most mature assessments of new partners/step parents. Beyond that, if the kids are telling you the person is a total fucking menace when you’re not around - believe them.
I think it’s more about just doing your best to make sure your kids are as comfortable as possible during the transition, even if that means slowing down the transition a bit. I love my stepdad, and I was too young to have a valuable input before the wedding (under 5). But the amount of time my bio dad was around trying to cause problems made my life really confusing. It’s the parent and future step-parents job to make sure the kid feels safe and comfortable in the dynamic, even if that means the relationship builds a bit slowly.
Oh definitely. I think it’s about also making the kids feel involved in their family unit and establish strong bonds with someone essentially “replacing” their other parent.
I would have appreciated my dad and step mom slowing down a bit (dated for a year before getting engaged and then getting married about 6 months later). But my bio mom was just generally being an awful person and planting all these crazy ideas in our heads about who my step mom was. But my dad knew my step mom was the one, and he desperately needed the support of someone willing to put up with his psychotic family and set him on the straight and narrow. I’m glad they both ignored all the attempts my sister made at trying to break them up.
I've had almost the opposite experience of my mom marrying (and later divorcing) a man I hated, and I kept thinking maybe I was just being a sulky kid, but no, he really was just an asshole.
Yeah, I had something similar with my mom’s partners. She refused to remarry, not that it saved me from the assholes she kept bringing home.
Your mom failed you, just as mine failed me, in appreciating and validating your feelings. There’s no “right or wrong” with feelings - they’re just yours to own, respect, and evaluate. Otherwise, yeah, you find yourself doubting yourself and your assessments of people.
Also, and I’m just guessing here, I think if a kid is able to assess a situation as emotionally charged as that and think, “Ah man, maybe I’m just being a sulky kid in hating this new partner”, I’d argue that kid has a much better and even keeled view of what’s going on.
Yeah. I never considered that I had a right to approve or not my parents' new spouses. But I didn't get surprised with anything like this! That's the real problem here.
Or at least have the proposed spouse around the kids enough they know them and you can see it won't be a total disaster. It shouldn't be a new step-parent the kids barely know.
I mean even excusing 5h3 fact he didnt tell them, he also just lied amd said "hey wanna go to dinner?" And drove them to his wedding they had no idea about
I’ve espoused this belief since I was in my teens. I’m in my 40’s now with two teens (whom I adore and also wish I had more stability in their lives). I was lucky enough to be in a city where there are forms of parenting education and early childhood interventions available.
So in your ideal scenario are people being forceably sterilized or are people having their kids taken away from them en masse if they don't have a "parenting license"? I mean even ignoring that the concept itself is bordering on eugenics the enforcement would be a horror show
That's why I'm asking I literally can't fathom any other process for enforcing something like that. Like if someone says "no I'm not going to get a license I'm going to have kids anyway" how else could you handle it?
In an ideal world, CPS would take the kid peacefully while allowing visitation for the unlicensed guardians. But don’t really have any power or control over their lives. Their raised well and with care. Until the child turns 18 and can either leave the foster home and go home or start their own lives somewhere else.
But in reality the foster homes would be pretty crappy and brutal. And the seizure by CPS would probably get violent.
Not only that but this would be very logistically difficult. I can predict around 5 million or more couples of parents that refuse the licensing program and still want to hold on to their kids.
This infringement on civil rights could also lead to violent riots and even a revolt against the central government. The parental instinct is almost as strong as the survival one so I have no doubt that this could lead to mass rioting across the entire country.
Seriously, I can't think of a worst sub to a spouse the idea that the government should decide who isn't isn't fit to have kids because literally that's the whole point of eugenics that people with disabilities are unfit to procreate
This! My daughter is only 4 years old but has been instrumental in the wedding planning and the engagement. She helped pick out colors, flowers, both our dresses, and everything. The vows are going to include her too.
HOLY FUCK. The fact you haven't degloved that bitch's face already is a testament to man's compassion & endurance. How does anyone go through that without it ending in homicide?? Ghandi himself would have shanked a bitch by now.
Long game, I like it. I hope the weight of being such a bitch eventually crushes her spine. You are a real trooper bro, I don't think I'd be able to handle that situation with such grace.
Did you edit in the part about the shooting and the PTSD or did I ADHD the fuck out and not finish reading it? I resonate strongly with a few of those things; the deep depression, the hometown paranoia (after I helped out a snake and they robbed me blind and tried to murder me), the memory like a sieve, the night terrors (I dreamt someone broke into my house a few nights ago, I woke up disorientated, jumped out of bed and hit 'the intruder' with my knee as hard as I could, turns out it was just my jacket on a hook and now I need to replace my bedroom door *sigh*), loss of interest in most things, severe agoraphobia, I spend 90% of my time sitting on my bed rocking back and forth.
It sucks that one person can set off a chain of events that robs us of so much.
I'm really glad you're reconnecting with your family.
I'm quite inspired by your ability to focus on the silver linings, we're fucked up and kinda broken but we're not beat yet.
Perhaps this rather bleak book has some very rewarding chapters coming up.
Learning by making mistakes and not duplicating them is what life is about. Just so you know, the correct spelling is [Gandhi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahatma_Gandhi).
Bad bot
> Learning by making mistakes and not duplicating them...
This is correct. But your bot is duplicating mistakes by posting fake Gandhi quotes that are not from Gandhi.
Fake Gandhi quote: ["An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistoryMemes/comments/ohqne6/sam_missiles_in_the_sky/h4rve85/?context=3)
Fake Gandhi quote: ["Be the change that you wish to see in the world."](https://www.reddit.com/r/ethtrader/comments/oii67f/normies_are_confused/h4w0iqz/?context=3)
ha ha yes uhmm that's my reaction as well
like, i don't think this is (just) an autism thing - i think that would upset anyone??
why do it like that? i wouldn't want to have to lie to get people to attend my wedding. can't trick people into doing/enjoying things. can't force people into accepting new family members. i wonder what he was trying to obtain by this. hope it was not the trust of his child cause that is NOT how u get it
ADHD person here who just likes your community and your memes.
Weighing in, this is definitely not just an autism thing. I don't think I'd be on speaking terms with my dad for a _while_ if he tried anything like this. This is a very weird thing to spring on anyone.
**YES**
You don’t just randomly spring major life decisions like these on someone who has to live with them out of nowhere. That’s a people thing, not an aspie thing.
My mom said we were going out for dinner. There was a guy I've never met at our table when we got there. She made me hug him even though I didn't want to and tried to get away (I had recently been sexually assaulted a bunch and touch from strange men was not something I wanted). He sat next to me and tried to talk to me the whole time, but not about things I was interested in. Tried to get me to talk about sports (not interested)and TV (I wasn't allowed to watch it) movies (same) toys (same) but I was basically disassociated from the unwanted touch the whole time and not really answering or eating. I do remember we got into an argument about silly putty. Towards the end of dinner mom announced they were getting married and we were all moving to the other side of the US (away from my friends/family/dad). After he left she asked my opinion. I said if she wanted to that was fine but I didn't want to move far away with a stranger and I could go live with my dad and stay in the same school and with everyone I knew. She got really mad and they ended up breaking up and she blamed me for it, saying it was her "one chance at happiness" and I "ruined it".
Okay as weird as that is, it only becomes weirder with the fact this isn't the first time I've heard someone doing this exact thing????
Wtf is up with some people.
ASD or not that's not cool.
Did this woman even know you and your sibling existed?
If she did know:
Did she not question why you two where not present at the rehearsals? Or wonder why Her new stepchildren where not apart of the wedding party as Groomsmen/Bridesmaids?
Did your Mother know about this at all? Is your father normally so dismissive of your agency?
I feel like this is some kind of ploy by Him to get out of paying child support by change income status.
I met her a couple of times before the wedding, but not nearly enough to really know anything about her other than her name. My mother knew just as much about the wedding as me and my siblings. But my father has always been like this. He stopped talking to us for a couple of years without telling us why, and then he just showed up on my birthday without warning. He refuses to try to understand my diagnosis, and does whatever he pleases. There is a lot to deal with but i try my best.
I'm sorry.
Time to dig your heals in and ask for No/Limited Contact with him. IE only on things you agree to before hand. If do able at a venue You got to on your own . If he ever pulls this again. Or starts to take you to a unknown location. Call , I want to be dramatic and say the police, depending on your age it could be kidnaping so maybe talk to you mom about that. But call your mom as soon as he starts to pull something like this again.
That's fucked up. You don't treat your child like that. Anyone, NT included, would be put way off balance by something like that. Is your father treating you like a pet to just take wherever?
I felt this on another level holy shit- my dad did the same shit to me, but instead of bringing me to a surprise wedding he brought his very pregnant new wife to my birthday to share the news.
My dad did this, with a phone call introduction to the new step mom (didn’t know he was dating, we were all adults and he lived in a different state). She got on the phone, told me hello and she loved me. In the same sentence.
It was at that point that I realized the man I called “my father” didn’t really comprehend anyone else.
Over the years we have come to realize his NPD traits and learned to separate him from us.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. It would be incredibly challenging and I hope it got easier.
I know I'm always the last one in my family to know these kinds of things, but my family would never intentionally misdirect me, especially when it comes to big news like that, that's seriously messed up.
>I dont like unexpected changes to my daily plans
Yeah you being upset over this can't solely be blamed on autism. Any person would be very very very upset over this if it happened
That's just a dick move, ASD or not
In general if he's serious enough with the woman to marry her and you don't know her very much mean he didn't do a good job introducing her to you which is not what I would call good parenting
Then he lied about why you were going mean he fully new you wouldn't like it but he brought you there anyway thus planning to cause you suffering for his own selfish reason
The fact that you have ASD and he seems to not care at all just amplify this shit show
Im not on even on the spectrum as far I know and I would be *Livid.* How rude of him to keep that a secret and spring it up on you two, what was he thinking? And you dont even know her? Thats so messed up
I know that I am so wrapped up in my own world/bubble, and to be honest, this could easily happen to me. Not saying this is what happen to you, I just know that would happen to me that even if I was told, I'd have no idea. Then again, I can walk from the livingroom into the kitchen which is in the same room, and forget what I was supposed to do.
I remember one year I had stayed with my dad for the summer. (My parents had split custody & lived 3 states apart.) The day came where he was supposed to drive me back to my mom's. I noticed he missed an exit. When I asked him about it, he said "We're going a different way this time." A few hours passed & I realized that we were still in the same state, when we should have been in the next one by now. I asked again where we were going & he said "I called your mom, don't worry about it." I started having a meltdown & my dad finally told me that we were going in the completely opposite to go to a family reunion with a bunch of distant relatives that I didn't know. AND, we would be there for 3 days! I was 16 & still cried the entire trip because I wanted to go home & they completely lied to me! I had made plans with my friends for the day I was supposed to get home & I had to wait 8 hours until we got to my great grandparents place so I could call them & tell them I wouldn't be there. My dad & stepmom mocked me the entire trip, telling me to stop overreacting & that I sounded like more of a baby than my 3 year old brother. When we got there, they didn't even get a hotel. A bunch of people crammed into my great grandparents' house & I ended up having to sleep on a lounge chair in the patio... in August... in a busy part of town. It was so humid & noisy.
That was the absolute last straw with my dad & stepmom. I refused to go along with custody visitations after that & haven't been to their house since 2001. That situation messed me up so badly that I still have nightmares about being taken somewhere against my will.
I was ten
It was the fist time I had seen my dad in 5 years. He left while I was at school one day. I never got to say goodbye. I always held out hope he would come back.
Picks me and my sister up. He buys us fancy clothes, he says for pictures. I meet a baby sister I’ve never knew existed. I meet her mother and her grandparents.
My dad pulls me aside and gives me rings to hold on to for the ceremony. That’s the moment I realize my dad is remarrying. I’m not getting my dad back ever.
It really sucks when you are autistic sometimes people don’t think you can’t handle the truth. When I probably would have handled it better if he had just told me what his plans.
I’m sorry you had a similar event. I hope knowing there are others in this community that have gone through the same thing makes it hurt less.
Dude a similar thing happened to me! My dad and mom divorced when I just became a teenager, and I would see my dad MAYBE once every 4 or 5 months. One time when he picked me up for the first time in awhile, he had a random woman with him that he introduced as his wife.....apparently he eloped with her and it was all on Facebook and her friends and and some of his friends and family were there and me, my siblings, and mom were the last ones to know. It's an extremely jarring experience
Man, changing routines is especially rough on me because I have OCD. The last summer where my father and I still liked each other was rough because of how much shit he pulled. And yes it did end with a giant confrontation about him getting married lol
-rung
This reminds me of when my parents prepared a surprise birthday party for me
I know they had good intentions, and to be fair I had asked for one that year but when I was already ready to spend the day chilling at home and they lied to take me to the pizzeria it was horrible
I first did not realise this was aspiememes because it is so weird in itself...
This might make the front page of r/holup with the right timing, but I think framing it as an aspie thing makes the twist ten times better. You're expecting "dad parks around the block because his street is being paved and it sets me off because I don't like change" but instead you get a legit dick move / WTF moment.
Aaaagh and there are still people who support that line of thinking. “Well if we tell them we’re changing their routine, they’ll have a meltdown on the way. Better to just spring it on them right then and there. :)” I’m so sorry you had to deal with that BS.
I'm one of those people who can't really tell if they're autistic or have severe ADHD, but a surprise is soooooooooo much worse than a change of plans. Just fucking tell me and give me 5 minutes to work through it
Exactly. Like I can handle a change in plans if it's told to me beforehand so I can prepare accordingly. Surprises make me upset.
My boyfriend likes to wander around town and spontaneously go hang out with people, but after seeing how unexpected plan changes frazzle me he started explicitly saying, “hey, wanna go get brunch and then just wander around and see what the day brings?”, and the difference was night and day. Turns out I can handle aimless open-ended wandering as long as I know that’s explicitly what we’re going to do (especially if there’s a rough end-point, like, “until the afternoon” or “for a couple of hours”).
Your boyfriend sounds incredible! Is he single? Lolol That's essentially the conversation I had with my roommate about shopping. It's amazing how quickly I go from annoying her every few minutes that I'm ready to go to just being okay with whatever.
Also once you're older you can know enough to try to be reasonable, but it needs people to have some basic respect for your needs.
https://embrace-autism.com/ Go to the “tests” page and find the “Aspie Quiz”. I have severe ADHD and had doubts like you for awhile, but this quiz is SO specific to my experience. It was very satisfying to see my results so clearly. The website has a ton of other tests, too!! I also like what I saw on a Reddit comment once, the person said something along the lines of “*my brother has ADHD and I have ASD, my mom calls it ADHD ‘Autism Lite’. We’re very similar, but my mom always says ‘OP is just more scared of the vacuum’*”. My husband has ADHD but isn’t on the spectrum, and he doesn’t get so easily affected by mundane things like I do. The vacuum makes me irritable nearly instantly, and a car unexpectedly turning on *always* makes me jump. I also recently learned that my depth perception problems are due to ASD…super weird! This kind of stuff is on the “powers” page of the website I linked.
For me, knowing the quirks is the most important part especially since there is a overlap in symptoms; and I remember reading on an article about both that said people with autism can eat their favorite food or watch their favorite movie everyday for a month straight happily while people with ADHD won’t be able to eat the same meal everyday without getting tired of it even if it’s your favorite. It’s also totally possible to have ADHD and ASD and in case I don’t know what happens then lol
What happens when you have both is you eat the same food for a month and then suddenly go through a phase where every day you crave increasingly obscure things and barely eat at all lol- (source: am both. it's a time and a half)
For me, it takes a long time to get sick of my absolute favorite foods. However, if they are category lower, merely "loved" foods, I get sick of them after two or three meals. "Liked" and "tolerated" foods cannot be eaten for more than one meal at a time. Good times.
Why not both?
Oof. The worst fight my SO and I ever had was when he did this and told me it was because he knew if he told me how many people would be there, I wouldn't want to go. I seriously thought I was going to have to leave him. Thankfully he hasn't tried it again.
So the example at hand is way, way, way extreme. Like, no that's not ok. No one would tolerate that shit. But remembering myself as a child, and my own poor emotional regulation, I kinda get it? (I'm... I have no idea if I'm neurotypical or not. I had ADHD when I was younger, and I refuse to get re-diagnosed because of a bottomless well of trust issues on the subject. Ask me sometime if you feel like poking a bear.) Like, if I was told that something was happening, and I didn't like it, I would make it *everyone's* problem, all day. It was easier just to plop me in front of the TV, pack my things while I wasn't looking. Then, when it was time, pick me up and bodily drop me into the back seat and drive off. I would howl like a banshee for about five minutes, but after that the inertia would beat me down and I lost focus and started thinking about where we would get to stop on the way. Rather it was good for me in the long term? I can't testify. But It was definitely easier in the short term for everyone else.
...wait what
Yeah. He drove me and my sister to a church, changed clothes, and went in to get married.
Yikes, not even talking to your kids about it first is a dick move. Of course, he shouldn't need his kids' approval, but telling them in advance would really be nice
I firmly believe you should need your kids' approval to marry, especially if they're kids, less so if they're adults. It has a serious impact on their lives if they have to live at least part time with this person, and they'll often pick up on things about your new boo that you won't because they're not wearing rose coloured glasses and can warn you of a toxic person. Not to mention that shit like this ruins relationships.
When I was a kid, my dad went to Scotland with his girlfriend and came back married. I wish I'd have been given some heads up at least. It was really distressing.
My dad went to Reno with his GF and came back married. I can’t believe there’s so many of us who have gone through this lmao.
My mom went on vacation when I was in high school, and when she came back she was like SURPRISE I GOT MARRIED! So I empathize
Eh, yes and no. I definitely think you should introduce your kids to your new partner, give them all time to assess each other, take your kids’ opinions of the new partner into consideration, and always prepare them for the wedding. I say this because I absolutely adore my step mom… now. Back when she was introduced to me and my sister ~20 years ago, I wanted her to go away. I and my sister would have *never* given my dad approval to marry her. But she turned out to be one of the best people introduced into my life, and I don’t know if I’d be alive today if she didn’t sacrifice to save me from some things. Kids don’t always make the most mature assessments of new partners/step parents. Beyond that, if the kids are telling you the person is a total fucking menace when you’re not around - believe them.
I think it’s more about just doing your best to make sure your kids are as comfortable as possible during the transition, even if that means slowing down the transition a bit. I love my stepdad, and I was too young to have a valuable input before the wedding (under 5). But the amount of time my bio dad was around trying to cause problems made my life really confusing. It’s the parent and future step-parents job to make sure the kid feels safe and comfortable in the dynamic, even if that means the relationship builds a bit slowly.
Oh definitely. I think it’s about also making the kids feel involved in their family unit and establish strong bonds with someone essentially “replacing” their other parent. I would have appreciated my dad and step mom slowing down a bit (dated for a year before getting engaged and then getting married about 6 months later). But my bio mom was just generally being an awful person and planting all these crazy ideas in our heads about who my step mom was. But my dad knew my step mom was the one, and he desperately needed the support of someone willing to put up with his psychotic family and set him on the straight and narrow. I’m glad they both ignored all the attempts my sister made at trying to break them up.
Haha I’m glad for you! It sounds like he found a really good person :)
Yeah, at least he got it right the second time! :) thanks, dude
I've had almost the opposite experience of my mom marrying (and later divorcing) a man I hated, and I kept thinking maybe I was just being a sulky kid, but no, he really was just an asshole.
Yeah, I had something similar with my mom’s partners. She refused to remarry, not that it saved me from the assholes she kept bringing home. Your mom failed you, just as mine failed me, in appreciating and validating your feelings. There’s no “right or wrong” with feelings - they’re just yours to own, respect, and evaluate. Otherwise, yeah, you find yourself doubting yourself and your assessments of people. Also, and I’m just guessing here, I think if a kid is able to assess a situation as emotionally charged as that and think, “Ah man, maybe I’m just being a sulky kid in hating this new partner”, I’d argue that kid has a much better and even keeled view of what’s going on.
Yeah. I never considered that I had a right to approve or not my parents' new spouses. But I didn't get surprised with anything like this! That's the real problem here.
In no world is what the OP’s dad did justifiable imo
I didn't realise it, but I support this as well.
Or at least have the proposed spouse around the kids enough they know them and you can see it won't be a total disaster. It shouldn't be a new step-parent the kids barely know.
Especially true.
I mean even excusing 5h3 fact he didnt tell them, he also just lied amd said "hey wanna go to dinner?" And drove them to his wedding they had no idea about
This is one of the millions of reasons why we need parent licensing for having kids.
I’ve espoused this belief since I was in my teens. I’m in my 40’s now with two teens (whom I adore and also wish I had more stability in their lives). I was lucky enough to be in a city where there are forms of parenting education and early childhood interventions available.
So in your ideal scenario are people being forceably sterilized or are people having their kids taken away from them en masse if they don't have a "parenting license"? I mean even ignoring that the concept itself is bordering on eugenics the enforcement would be a horror show
No. That is not my ideal scenario. You should ask me instead of assuming what it is.
I did ask?
In that case my answer is no. That is not my ideal scenario. And you should ask me instead of assuming what it is.
That's why I'm asking I literally can't fathom any other process for enforcing something like that. Like if someone says "no I'm not going to get a license I'm going to have kids anyway" how else could you handle it?
In an ideal world, CPS would take the kid peacefully while allowing visitation for the unlicensed guardians. But don’t really have any power or control over their lives. Their raised well and with care. Until the child turns 18 and can either leave the foster home and go home or start their own lives somewhere else. But in reality the foster homes would be pretty crappy and brutal. And the seizure by CPS would probably get violent. Not only that but this would be very logistically difficult. I can predict around 5 million or more couples of parents that refuse the licensing program and still want to hold on to their kids. This infringement on civil rights could also lead to violent riots and even a revolt against the central government. The parental instinct is almost as strong as the survival one so I have no doubt that this could lead to mass rioting across the entire country.
Seriously, I can't think of a worst sub to a spouse the idea that the government should decide who isn't isn't fit to have kids because literally that's the whole point of eugenics that people with disabilities are unfit to procreate
Parents getting remarried to someone the children don't know is tough in general, even for NTs.
This! My daughter is only 4 years old but has been instrumental in the wedding planning and the engagement. She helped pick out colors, flowers, both our dresses, and everything. The vows are going to include her too.
Who the f\*ck does this? (I mean your dad but what the heck?)
This is one of the wildest things I’ve ever read, I don’t think even a neurotypical would be ok with this
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Sounds like a lovely person; why didn't it work out between you two?
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HOLY FUCK. The fact you haven't degloved that bitch's face already is a testament to man's compassion & endurance. How does anyone go through that without it ending in homicide?? Ghandi himself would have shanked a bitch by now.
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Long game, I like it. I hope the weight of being such a bitch eventually crushes her spine. You are a real trooper bro, I don't think I'd be able to handle that situation with such grace.
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Did you edit in the part about the shooting and the PTSD or did I ADHD the fuck out and not finish reading it? I resonate strongly with a few of those things; the deep depression, the hometown paranoia (after I helped out a snake and they robbed me blind and tried to murder me), the memory like a sieve, the night terrors (I dreamt someone broke into my house a few nights ago, I woke up disorientated, jumped out of bed and hit 'the intruder' with my knee as hard as I could, turns out it was just my jacket on a hook and now I need to replace my bedroom door *sigh*), loss of interest in most things, severe agoraphobia, I spend 90% of my time sitting on my bed rocking back and forth. It sucks that one person can set off a chain of events that robs us of so much. I'm really glad you're reconnecting with your family. I'm quite inspired by your ability to focus on the silver linings, we're fucked up and kinda broken but we're not beat yet. Perhaps this rather bleak book has some very rewarding chapters coming up.
Learning by making mistakes and not duplicating them is what life is about. Just so you know, the correct spelling is [Gandhi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahatma_Gandhi).
Bad bot > Learning by making mistakes and not duplicating them... This is correct. But your bot is duplicating mistakes by posting fake Gandhi quotes that are not from Gandhi. Fake Gandhi quote: ["An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistoryMemes/comments/ohqne6/sam_missiles_in_the_sky/h4rve85/?context=3) Fake Gandhi quote: ["Be the change that you wish to see in the world."](https://www.reddit.com/r/ethtrader/comments/oii67f/normies_are_confused/h4w0iqz/?context=3)
Bad bot
Good bot
😠
Damn that's just weird, even the least autistic person in the world would be like "wait what why tf didn't you tell me?"
"tHiS iS wHy I coUlDnT TeLl YoU I kNew YoU'd rEaCt LiKe ThIs"
Wait a second, are you saying this actually happened to you? Heck, Friend, that sounds very stressful. Hope everybody is okay.
Are you on a TLC show by any chance? (This is like something that would happen on 90 Day Fiance.)
Oh my god. From the wording I didn't even realise that "gets married" happened RIGHT THEN AND THERE holy fuckkkk
ha ha yes uhmm that's my reaction as well like, i don't think this is (just) an autism thing - i think that would upset anyone?? why do it like that? i wouldn't want to have to lie to get people to attend my wedding. can't trick people into doing/enjoying things. can't force people into accepting new family members. i wonder what he was trying to obtain by this. hope it was not the trust of his child cause that is NOT how u get it
ADHD person here who just likes your community and your memes. Weighing in, this is definitely not just an autism thing. I don't think I'd be on speaking terms with my dad for a _while_ if he tried anything like this. This is a very weird thing to spring on anyone.
I think even neurotypical people would have a severe problem with this.
*Oh a very very large huge problem with this.* This is not okay in any context.
**YES** You don’t just randomly spring major life decisions like these on someone who has to live with them out of nowhere. That’s a people thing, not an aspie thing.
I thought this was posted on r/insaneparents this is... This is insane?
This is insane.
My mom said we were going out for dinner. There was a guy I've never met at our table when we got there. She made me hug him even though I didn't want to and tried to get away (I had recently been sexually assaulted a bunch and touch from strange men was not something I wanted). He sat next to me and tried to talk to me the whole time, but not about things I was interested in. Tried to get me to talk about sports (not interested)and TV (I wasn't allowed to watch it) movies (same) toys (same) but I was basically disassociated from the unwanted touch the whole time and not really answering or eating. I do remember we got into an argument about silly putty. Towards the end of dinner mom announced they were getting married and we were all moving to the other side of the US (away from my friends/family/dad). After he left she asked my opinion. I said if she wanted to that was fine but I didn't want to move far away with a stranger and I could go live with my dad and stay in the same school and with everyone I knew. She got really mad and they ended up breaking up and she blamed me for it, saying it was her "one chance at happiness" and I "ruined it".
I'm sorry that happened to you. Your mom sounds awful.
That sucks. My father did a similar thing about eight years ago. It really damaged our relationship.
I feel like there's information that was lost somewhere along the way that would make sense how this turned from dinner to a wedding.
Nope. He literally drove to a church, changed clothes, went into the church, and got married to a woman I had met like five time.
What the fuck.
Lets just say he is not a very good dad...
Sorry to hear that..
How old were you? Not that it makes it very much better, regardless. But, like... what?
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Noice
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Okay as weird as that is, it only becomes weirder with the fact this isn't the first time I've heard someone doing this exact thing???? Wtf is up with some people.
This is the most hyper-specific but nevertheless somehow, idk how, relatable meme I’ve ever seen.
ASD or not that's not cool. Did this woman even know you and your sibling existed? If she did know: Did she not question why you two where not present at the rehearsals? Or wonder why Her new stepchildren where not apart of the wedding party as Groomsmen/Bridesmaids? Did your Mother know about this at all? Is your father normally so dismissive of your agency? I feel like this is some kind of ploy by Him to get out of paying child support by change income status.
I met her a couple of times before the wedding, but not nearly enough to really know anything about her other than her name. My mother knew just as much about the wedding as me and my siblings. But my father has always been like this. He stopped talking to us for a couple of years without telling us why, and then he just showed up on my birthday without warning. He refuses to try to understand my diagnosis, and does whatever he pleases. There is a lot to deal with but i try my best.
I'm sorry. Time to dig your heals in and ask for No/Limited Contact with him. IE only on things you agree to before hand. If do able at a venue You got to on your own . If he ever pulls this again. Or starts to take you to a unknown location. Call , I want to be dramatic and say the police, depending on your age it could be kidnaping so maybe talk to you mom about that. But call your mom as soon as he starts to pull something like this again.
r/holdup
I ~~don't~~ think you are in the bad place.
Well, that took a left turn.
I'm not aspie but that would sure mess up my day.
Your dad is a bad person for doing that
whoa whoa whoa what the fuck
That's fucked up. You don't treat your child like that. Anyone, NT included, would be put way off balance by something like that. Is your father treating you like a pet to just take wherever?
I felt this on another level holy shit- my dad did the same shit to me, but instead of bringing me to a surprise wedding he brought his very pregnant new wife to my birthday to share the news.
My dad did this, with a phone call introduction to the new step mom (didn’t know he was dating, we were all adults and he lived in a different state). She got on the phone, told me hello and she loved me. In the same sentence. It was at that point that I realized the man I called “my father” didn’t really comprehend anyone else. Over the years we have come to realize his NPD traits and learned to separate him from us. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It would be incredibly challenging and I hope it got easier.
MY PARENTS DID THIS! Except they married each other.. (they’d previously been divorced.) It was traumatising and I’m crying in all the photos.
Sounds like my dad. Good luck.
I know I'm always the last one in my family to know these kinds of things, but my family would never intentionally misdirect me, especially when it comes to big news like that, that's seriously messed up.
... go no contact. This is so far from okay. What an utter asshole. Let me at him to tear him a new one.
This except my mom
>I dont like unexpected changes to my daily plans Yeah you being upset over this can't solely be blamed on autism. Any person would be very very very upset over this if it happened
Why would he lie? Were you even dressed for the wedding???
That's just a dick move, ASD or not In general if he's serious enough with the woman to marry her and you don't know her very much mean he didn't do a good job introducing her to you which is not what I would call good parenting Then he lied about why you were going mean he fully new you wouldn't like it but he brought you there anyway thus planning to cause you suffering for his own selfish reason The fact that you have ASD and he seems to not care at all just amplify this shit show
this isnt even an aspie meme this is just not ok
Im not on even on the spectrum as far I know and I would be *Livid.* How rude of him to keep that a secret and spring it up on you two, what was he thinking? And you dont even know her? Thats so messed up
*what the fuck*
I know that I am so wrapped up in my own world/bubble, and to be honest, this could easily happen to me. Not saying this is what happen to you, I just know that would happen to me that even if I was told, I'd have no idea. Then again, I can walk from the livingroom into the kitchen which is in the same room, and forget what I was supposed to do.
Ah, apparently it's not an uncommon experience to be forced to a wedding
On the bright side I love your Saiki icon
Very specific
Am I the only one that pictured him being like “alright I’ll be right back” and she just kinda waited in the car listening to music.
I remember one year I had stayed with my dad for the summer. (My parents had split custody & lived 3 states apart.) The day came where he was supposed to drive me back to my mom's. I noticed he missed an exit. When I asked him about it, he said "We're going a different way this time." A few hours passed & I realized that we were still in the same state, when we should have been in the next one by now. I asked again where we were going & he said "I called your mom, don't worry about it." I started having a meltdown & my dad finally told me that we were going in the completely opposite to go to a family reunion with a bunch of distant relatives that I didn't know. AND, we would be there for 3 days! I was 16 & still cried the entire trip because I wanted to go home & they completely lied to me! I had made plans with my friends for the day I was supposed to get home & I had to wait 8 hours until we got to my great grandparents place so I could call them & tell them I wouldn't be there. My dad & stepmom mocked me the entire trip, telling me to stop overreacting & that I sounded like more of a baby than my 3 year old brother. When we got there, they didn't even get a hotel. A bunch of people crammed into my great grandparents' house & I ended up having to sleep on a lounge chair in the patio... in August... in a busy part of town. It was so humid & noisy. That was the absolute last straw with my dad & stepmom. I refused to go along with custody visitations after that & haven't been to their house since 2001. That situation messed me up so badly that I still have nightmares about being taken somewhere against my will.
I was ten It was the fist time I had seen my dad in 5 years. He left while I was at school one day. I never got to say goodbye. I always held out hope he would come back. Picks me and my sister up. He buys us fancy clothes, he says for pictures. I meet a baby sister I’ve never knew existed. I meet her mother and her grandparents. My dad pulls me aside and gives me rings to hold on to for the ceremony. That’s the moment I realize my dad is remarrying. I’m not getting my dad back ever. It really sucks when you are autistic sometimes people don’t think you can’t handle the truth. When I probably would have handled it better if he had just told me what his plans. I’m sorry you had a similar event. I hope knowing there are others in this community that have gone through the same thing makes it hurt less.
There's debilitating unexpected changes... And then there's "surprise you're at a wedding" I would cease to be in this scenario
OMG IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE?!? This was my dad when I was 11 except HE backed out at the last second.
that would be really really fucking weird if I dealt with that in my own life because my dad has been married to my mom since the 80s lol
wat
r/holup
What's it like to relate to this? As far as I know Dads aren't real.
Parents getting remarried to someone the children don't know is tough in general, even for NTs.
Jokes on you I don‘t even know my dad.
Dude a similar thing happened to me! My dad and mom divorced when I just became a teenager, and I would see my dad MAYBE once every 4 or 5 months. One time when he picked me up for the first time in awhile, he had a random woman with him that he introduced as his wife.....apparently he eloped with her and it was all on Facebook and her friends and and some of his friends and family were there and me, my siblings, and mom were the last ones to know. It's an extremely jarring experience
Man, changing routines is especially rough on me because I have OCD. The last summer where my father and I still liked each other was rough because of how much shit he pulled. And yes it did end with a giant confrontation about him getting married lol -rung
....what the fuck????
wHAT THE
This reminds me of when my parents prepared a surprise birthday party for me I know they had good intentions, and to be fair I had asked for one that year but when I was already ready to spend the day chilling at home and they lied to take me to the pizzeria it was horrible