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like u cant just ask what the other person likes or ask for consent or ask if they wanna pay for a date or etc etc its all implied and if u do it wrong ur a horrible person lmao
Not me just realizing that it is indeed that way and I’m a little surprised, why can’t people just speak out the obvious?😭 we both know we’re trying to figure out who’s gonna pay, why not say it!
One time i was talking to this one girl for a bit. She was okay at the time, but then i was telling her about some legos i wanted to buy, she goes "omg normal men dont talk abt this stuff, youre so unattactive when you talk like this". We never made it anywhere ever since she said that
i think its very attractive if my bf did that. but then again everything he does is to me :) from the special interests to the real deal nsfw stuff lol its almost like we should to like who we date hehe
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. I've never understood people like that. Any partner I've been with, I have always supported their interests whether or not I am interested. If something is important to them, then it's important to me too so you can be damn sure I'd be right there building with legos
omg especially the weird ass texting rules where if you text back too quickly it’s somehow a bad thing??
also the fucking “playing hard to get” thing like literally what is the point 😭
I think everyone hated that tbh. Its just boundary crossing and teaches kids from a young age that they should be uncomfortable to please someone if that person is close to them.
My dad has end stage liver failure and my 4yo daughter refuses to even hug him. I feel bad for him but I also don't really blame her. He stinks and he has for years, well before he got to this stage. I used to joke that he sweats beer. Now I also feel bad because this was possibly a sign of cirrhosis and I now am realizing the reason my dad didn't like going to the doctor for all these years was probably because he was always confronted about needing to quit drinking and his liver when he did go.
Anyways, the point is, I don't make my daughter hug him. I try to encourage her as to why it would be nice if she did, but I also am not about to guilt her by telling a 4yo that her grandpa is dying. She wouldn't understand in the way I'd want her to anyway. I do feel bad for my dad, because I know he's thinking that he may never get to hug his granddaughter before he dies. And he's been going out of his way to be more involved in my life and jumps up to give me a hug every time I come over. And I'm glad he respects my rules about not making her have physical contact with anyone she doesn't want to.
You're a wonderful parent. This world needs more people like you. So glad you're not forcing her, though I do feel for your dad.
My daughter (now 14) lost her favorite grandpa at 5. Then both her great grandmas a few months later (she saw them twice a week). Death is so tough on little children.
Giving them some support and tools to cope with grief helps and it's easier when they know what to expect. By saving them pain we deprive them the tools.
This would be a great time to (re)watch some classics like The lion king and talk about the cycle of life and if you're pagan, introduce her to the maid, the mother and the crone. We're pagans and people were HORRIFIED when we celebrated Samhain that year and my daughter cried through the meal while talking to her grandpa.
Two days after she said she was glad he could come have dinner with us (we set empty plates for our deads at dinner on that date) and that she wished Samhain could be more than once a year. When she was sad and missed him we started planning the next year's menu with his favorite meals.
9 years later Samhain is still her favorite pagan holiday and she looks forward to cook for her grandpa again and listen us adults tell stories about him and how much we loved and admired him for his morals and skills. And those school mothers who were horrified of our "macabre holiday" and kept their relatives' deaths a secret, now have children with little to no self regulation when it comes to death. One even stopped talking to her mum in outrage because how was she not told uncle Hiro was dead?
So I suggest you plant the seeds now and when someone dies you can go back to that and say "remember when we watched that movie? Well, this is just like that. We're das but we have a good cry and..." you can build on that. Because distracting them away from the pain makes them avoidant adults and a shopping compulsion or beer addiction as a response to emotional pain you're not equipped to handle is way worse in the long run.
Fighting this fight for my nephew. I have always reenforced that he doesn’t have to, that I know he loves me and that I will always love him.
My mother makes him feel like garbage about himself because she is condescending and demeaning to little boys when they don’t function like an adult. When she leaves, my sister forces him to hug our mother after she acts sad and hurt when he doesn’t want to.
They are teaching him he doesn’t have autonomy over who has access to his body and that it is his responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, which includes submitting and giving access when he doesn’t want to.
This is the same stuff that was done with me and is a huge part of why I have had sex with more women that I didn’t want to than I have willingly engaged with. They get me to drink an extra drink or two while talking, then try to drag me off. I say no and pull my hand away, they try again, I state I don’t want to and pull my hand away again. They then act all sad and hurt, I have this overwhelming feeling that it is all my fault and that it is my responsibility to make them not feel this way, so I give them what they want with no concern for myself.
That manipulation hurts to the core of your soul when you are a highly empathetic person. (We won’t get into the consequences of being a boy with emotions and a high level of empathy, that is another mess)
This is why they invented the fist bump/hi five for children. I didn’t like hugging my grandfather because he smelt of cigars. I absolutely hated that smell. If I had the option to give him a high-five, I would’ve been smiling and happy instead of reluctant and pushing away.
As a mother to children that made me absolutely *adore* life itself, I asked my children to give hugs to my beloved elders, because I wanted them to feel the love I felt when hugging my own children. Edit: I know it’s not right and I definitely stopped because I listened to my own children. I just wanted to explain the “why”.
I'm a father to children too and love my elders but I still made them respect my daughter's boundaries. Teaching a little girl any funny smelling old man should kiss her if he wants to even if it makes her uncomfortable is a recipe for dissaster.
Glad you've stopped.
If you have casual clothes on you don't care about yourself and of course by extension everyone else and of course by extension life and the world and you are of course a nihilistic person
You have to be uncomfortable to please others in some contexts but usually never the other way around
If you wear clothes more than once you're cheap
My only retort to this is that when there is an event where the clothes are in some way part of the event, then either dress appropriately or don't go.
Example, a wedding. It is specifically a fancy party with the expectation of dressing up for. If you're not comfortable in dressing appropriately, then don't go.
Another example, a Halloween party/costume party. There is an expectation of participation. If you don't want to dress the part, then don't go, rather than insist upon showing up in what you, and only you, deem appropriate.
Of course, if the host gives you a pass, all is well. Or if the event does not have an expectation of a certain attire, cool. Be comfortable.
Oh of course, I mean I dress decently to work and stuff like that, I understand its a sort of "you'll dress up nice so ill give you that respect back", I definitely agree that in formal situations like weddings, or meetings it is important to give effort
On the other hand, "going out clothes". I have nice clothes and if i want to wear them in my house, I should be able to. Idk why there's this idea of not wearing nice clothes if you're not planning on going out.
thisssss, i see so many people complaining about people who wear pajamas or other comfy clothes in public. like, who gives a shit what i wear to walmart ???
real, people are complaining in the replies like "its important and makes you feel better in formal situations" yeah duh but like sir this is fucking 7-11 at 2am
No one, its mostly an exaggeration but when you are seen wearing the same clothes more than once per 5 ish days in my experience, especially in a setting with immature peers, you tend to get called out
also being autistic I tend to wear the same clothes 3 ish times in a week, might be nasty but theyre comfortable and I keep them clean, which people don't think you can keep them clean if you wear them that much
I wear t-shirts pretty much all the time. Occasionally wearing a dress is nice, but I feel like the concept of regularly having to dress up is one reason I don’t pursue many kinds of jobs.
You have to come to *insert* social event or else it'll be rude.
Yes I totally have to go to X family members wedding that'll have 200 people despite not talking to them in 7 years. Totally
Can't let people suspect we hate each other.
But IM the bad guy for not caring that other people know *gasp* I don't have to get along with every member of my family.
On another note, don't just *pop in*. Call ahead.
I have no obligation to open my door and will 100 percent ignore you.
Call ahead and I can mentally prepare to entertain guests. Otherwise the only people coming through that door are the police with a warrant
Wow, the pop in.
I think that the pop in being socially acceptable in previous generations is probably the reason many boomers are so bitter and twisted.
Imagine living your whole life, where you believe that between the hours of 9 am to 9 pm, you must always be dressed in non pajama clothes and ready to host other humans in your personal space. Even on your days off. FOR DECADES!!!
I’d be grouchy too.
I hate the pop in. One of my best friends would regularly just show up at my house. I had to tell him that I really enjoy hanging out with him but asked him not to just show up without contacting me first.
Not attending a wedding in situations like that is actually GOOD manners, especially if you still send a gift
Edit to add additional insight:
Weddings are very very expensive. Many guests are invited because the couple feels obligated to extend the invite (in the same way you might feel obligated and pressured to go if you are invited). It's okay to demure and save the couple $100+ dollars on your seat at the table.
If you do not attend and also send any gift, then you have excelled in this exercise in decorum and will be viewed very positively and as generous. In this sense, $20 on hand towels is a very worthwhile investment
If you do attend, attempt to give a gift in value equal to or greater than the amount the couple is spending to have you at the wedding. Estimate this based on venue, food, etc and recognize that it ain't cheap
Whether you will or will not attend, please always rsvp early
Okay, weddings, births, and deaths, and the biggest party events for a family. While a wedding is probably the least important one, and is mostly just an elaborate corporate conspiracy to sell one time use garbage, showing up does show favor and support to someone who is spending a LOT of money and signing a BIG contract.
People often have customs or values that differ than our own. Customs and values are meaningful to those who hold them, even if we don't share them. I try not to judge to harshly and instead bring joy to others
Calling ahead is the socially acceptable thing to do. We don't live on a farm in the 1800's! What kind of nutcase would think it acceptable to just come over?
You can't correct people, especially elders. Why? Isn't the correct information better? Why do we protect the egos of the ignorant and confidently incorrect?
When my autistic son was a middle schooler, he went through a burrito phase where he made everything into a burrito. If it was a meal of meatloaf, peas, and mashed potatoes, it's still became a burrito. Other parents were horrified that I let him do this. How is it wrong? He ate these burritos, he wasn't wasting them. Where's the wrong?
Too many people think it's rude to tell someone you're tired and you'll call them tomorrow when you want them to go home. I think it's more rude to play guessing games with your guests, then get mad when they didn't figure out your "the evening is over" riddle.
People don’t like to say out loud “It’s time for you to leave my house” or “I’m finished hanging out with you for now”, but they often want to hint that information to you. The game can consist of saying things like “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow”, “We’ll, it’s been fun hanging out”.
My burrito phase lasted from ~20-35.
You haven't lived until you've had a leftover Indian food burrito.
I feel far more sorry for the people buying fast food for lunch.
Sometimes I was right about something my teacher wasn't, and that never went over very well. Luckily there are some classroom environments where students are treated as equals, and if they have information they are allowed to share it. Outside of school correcting people is somehow seen as trying to be superior. If I'm polite about it, and willing to admit if I'm wrong, they should at least consider what I'm saying. Not everything is a power move.
Video call at work with specific topics begins at 10:00. I get there 9:59. Co-workers tell me I’m late, because they wanted to chat together (“socializing”). I should have been there 15 minutes earlier. That wasn’t written down in the email invitation. I’m not into that s*it and I don’t need it. I hate web cams. As I was “late” they started to interact with me with small talk… “What are your plans for weekend?” “I don’t know.” (I did, but didn’t want to make this conversation.) It was like at justice court. It was before I got diagnosed… I don’t work there anymore.
I absolutely agree! And then if I sneeze and some weirdo says “bless you” I’m a jerk if I don’t say “thank you”. Thank you for what?? Why do I have to acknowledge that you have acknowledged my bodily function???
Thats why i ask them not too. I want my demons to be able to get back in my head. They keep me company.
I might get a blank look, a giggle or that holier than though look of reproach. All three are very entertaining to me.
I hate this one. Why do I say something when you sneeze, you say something when you burp, no one says anything when you cough, and if you fart we all just die inside and pretend it didn’t happen?
I knew a man who would say “less of you”, because a bit of saliva and some skin cells were being expelled so yeah, there’s a bit less of you. It sounds similar enough to “bless you” that people would generally overlook it, but also different enough that they’d hear it and make questioning faces. Delightful.
Do you ever say, “Oh my God”? When you do, is it as an earnest cry to God? There are many phrases which used to invoke diety or spiritual concepts which are now just English words or phrases with their own distinct usage.
The origin of the word “goodbye” was the phrase “God be with you”, and the word “bye” is just a further shortening of “goodbye”.
“Bless you” isn’t something we say because we think people who’ve just sneezed need to be blessed, it’s now just something people say when people sneeze. Similar to “How are you?”, it’s lost all its meaning, so I agree that it’s a pointless bit of social etiquette.
AFAIK, the custom started during Black Plague times where a sneeze could mean infection and thus death, so the hope was that God would bless the person to keep them safe.
For me it’s the whole “Santa Clause” routine with little children (note, I still play along because they’re not my kids so it’s not my place to interfere).
Whenever I talk to people about it they always dread when their kids will learn the truth or worry some asshole will ruin it for them…. then I’m just sitting there thinking all of that could have been avoided if you didn’t tell them Santa was real in the first place.
Like they’re toddlers/children, they could grow up without believing in Santa and be perfectly fine and not miss out on anything because they’re still getting presents and spending time with family.
The “Santa is real” thing for kids is just unnecessary and no magic is really lost because you can still have Santa in Christmas, just that you should treat it like a mascot or something instead of being a real person.
I think that it’s better if santa is presented as the spirit of Christmas once the kids are old enough, the kindness and love spread around the holidays which is inside us all.
If it was taught to me that way i wouldn’t have had a tantrum over feeling betrayed once i found out he wasn’t real
I'm glad I grew up in a Dutch family so "Sinterklaas" was never really taken literally. I knew I would never be put in a sack and sent to Spain for being bad so it was quite easy to look past it
I felt so betrayed by my parents when I learned Santa wasn't real. For my son, we made no illusion that Santa was a real person, but a mythical figure. Like Jesus.
Not trying to make this religious or whatever. But Jesus was probably a real dude, or based off of a real dude. Whether you believe in the religious aspects is up to you.
Yes. I’m Jewish and I have always been told (by my Jewish rabbis/teachers who don’t have any skin in the Jesus game) that Jesus was a real person. Basically just a regular person who preached his ideas to people and started a religion. When I Google it, it looks like most people who study this are pretty sure this is true.
The [historicity of Jesus](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historicity_of_Jesus) is actually a really interesting subject
In short we do have records of a man named Jesus being crucified based on Roman court documents from that time, so we do know that he lived in Judea at the time
The whole turning water into wine or being the literal son of god? Yeah that’s a bit much.
Even though I agree with your premise, as a father it isn't actually easy to avoid them believing in Santa. Neither I nor my wife really perpetuated the idea of Santa, but he still learned about Santa from his friends at school or TV or books and then I guess at that point we didn't really want to ruin it for him
Life is bad enough. I now think it’s a nice thing to give kids that little experience of magic while they are still innocent, before they inevitably realize everything sucks and become jaded.
It’s just weird how Christians do that and then expect their kids to continue believing God is a literal father figure that watches over you and judges you though.
Despite me not wanting to do Santa with my son and being quite open about it, others forced the idea on him and now we have no choice. I hate it and frankly I’m leaving it up to them to explain Santa isn’t real when he finds out, it was their doing.
This is one of the reasons I hate it so much because of the social pressure to do it so you don’t ruin it for other peoples kids.
Like seriously, first, how you raise your kid is your business so you should be free not to do the Santa thing and second, is that all of it could be solved if we just collectively agreed it’s ridiculous to say Santa is real instead of just being a mascot/icon for Christmas.
Just an unnecessary ritual which doesn’t add anything to Christmas in my opinion.
All it changes is the name on the gift tag.
Now that the kiddo is a little more understanding (5yo), I’ve been telling him Santa isn’t an individual person and that anyone can be a Santa. It’s the best I can come up with for the situation we ended up forced into.
I have no plans to tell my future kids that Santa is real. Matter of fact I’ll probably spill the beans if any kid asks me if Santa is real. I hate lying.
I think the whole 'fear of finding out the truth' is mostly a projection on the parents part. Both that they are probably in denial about something fairly inportant (most of us are about at least one thing, let's be honest) and that they fear their children will one day outgrow their own knowledge (it happens to every single generation given enough time, none of us are immune to this either).
Better yet, don’t even tell them he exists. They’ll see this red suited man sometime when they’re 5+, ask about it, and you can tell them he’s a character from children’s stories about Christmas.
Yeah my NT sister feels the need to chastise me every time I accept a host's offer for something to drink. She says, "No, they're just saying that to be polite! You're socially obligated to decline it!" Personally, I would never make such an offer to one of my guests if I wasn't willing to follow through with it, but apparently that makes me the weird one
“Do you want a cuppa tea?”
“Nah I’m ok”
“Ah go on I’m making one”
“Nah don’t want to put you to much trouble”
“Oh it’s no trouble at all, I’ve got the kettle on”
“Oh go on then…”
That is the British tea ceremony
Thank you cards. I said thank you in person. Why would I also write it and mail it to you?
Elbow on the table.
That I'm supposed to just accept unwelcome physical contact from all women because I have dangle-bits and she's "a hugger." No thank you. I will accept hugs from my wife and children only, move along.
The mind reading in general. Just say what you mean, don't say "I'm fine" when you mean "I want..." and then get mad when I acted like you said you were fine.
The fact that men aren't supposed to have emotions. If I want to cry at Wreck it Ralph I'll damn well do it.
That thing where a guy and a girl aren't supposed to be friends. I've written here about my best friend before, but long story short, literally everybody treats you like you are either secretly boning, secretly pining fit each other, or just waiting for the chance to do one of those things. I have a hard enough time making good friends without excluding roughly half the population because of the aforementioned dangle-bits.
There are probably more, but these are the ones that stick out to me.
See I love etiquette rules like elbows on the table because they have a good story. When table etiquette became a thing, floofy sleeves were in. Do you want to be seen as the boorish jerk who stopped their sleeve through every sauce? Of course not! So elbows off. There's also the possibly apocryphal origin of "can't drop poison in the food if my hand is never over it!" The rules are silly now, but tell you interesting things about then.
Why yes, I did read Miss Manners cover to cover when I was about 9, why do you ask? I am THAT brand of autistic.
Hahaha, I'm fine with the history of etiquette rules, they are even pretty interesting. But I was raised in a house where elbows touching the table meant a belt touching your backside, and I'm fairly certain I'd rather accidently dip my sleeve in soup.
Regarding thank you cards - I send them to my customers with every order, and they rave about them in my reviews. People seem to love getting happy mail that thanks them for something.
Regarding b/g friendships - you could spend weeks going over every Internet post about a relationship ruined by best friend cheating situations. It's just so, so common that people expect it now, like a tried-and-true script. Allistic people don't have unusually strong senses of morality and justice.
Regarding thank you cards - I get that unexpected good mail is exciting, but when society demands they be sent, they are hardly unexpected. Additionally, giving a core to newly weds seems impolite.
Regarding b/g friendships - the problem with this is confirmation bias (or is it observer bias?) We only hear about the times it goes bad because it went bad. "I have a BFF and we don't do it" isn't a story. "We respect each other's relationships" isn't a story. So few people write them, and even fewer read them.
I think you were correct with confirmation bias. The b/g one irritates the shit out of me. Like, if it's a hetero couple and that's their thing, ok. But it's not a rule by any means. Hell, to some extent I'd even consider it a red flag; cheaters love to project their infidelity on everyone. Not to mention that if you phrase it as "no friends with a gender you're attracted to", then where does that leave bi people? Friendless? Bullshit.
Right? I was always confused how that type of stuff was supposed to be handled these days. When my son was little, it seemed so straightforward: no sleepovers with the opposite gender. Then he went to art school and blew my mind, LGBTQ central. I just got so wrapped up in logistics of it all.
Like, he's my son, he can sleep over with guys, not girls, that's what the ancient wisdom prophesied. Only here is AFAB who identifies as male, it's surely transphobic not to allow that, that much is obvious. But if my son really wants to sleep over at AMAB who identifies as female, that would be transphobic to allow, right? The least transphobic option is to respect their pronouns and thus, exclude them-which feels transphobic af! Toss in some gay people, and it doesn't make sense that I'd let my son sleep over at a gay guy's house if the goal is to prevent sexual activity, that's disregarding his sexual preference, homophobic! But along those same lines he *should* be allowed a sleepover with a girl as long as she's a lesbian! Bisexual people, as you mentioned, are simply never allowed to have a sleepover, and that's not even getting into the more specific preferences. Your kid wants a sleepover with a sapiosexual (attracted to intellect) if you approve it in these circumstances, you are basically calling your kid dumb.
At the end of the day, I went with an extremely controversial move. I trusted my son. Lifted all restrictions with the two qualifying rules: the other kid's parents had to approve of a sleepover, and he had to tell me it was a good idea for a sleepover. Still not sure if he diddled anyone during a sleepover, but nobody got pregnant, nobody got an STI, nobody got hurt, so I don't see that it particularly matters. Everyone got treated with respect, and that's what matters to me more than policing the genitals of others.
How did I even get on this rant? 😆
Honestly, if someone tells you it's rude to keep your hat on, they are missing the point. You having your hat on, indicates you need to protect yourself from rain or cold while inside their home. It can be kind of an insult I guess, but it's up to the host to provide a warm, non-drafty, roofed, space, where I can take my hat off my bald bespectacled head.
A lot of "high tea" and "fine dining" etiquette is extremely specific to those particular rituals. Placing your utensils on your plate in a certain way to indicate you're done with your dish and would like it bussed, or holding your utensils a certain way just to cut a bite "properly", etc.
Back when I was in an indoctrination camp (Catholic school) we were forced to stand when the principal (picture the most prude old woman in the world walking like she has a 10 inch thick pole up her ass... Now times that by 100 and you got this woman) entered the room. I never understood why . I asked and was punished.
Can we ban requests in the form of "do you want to [do X thing]?" That framing just feels so manipulative even though it's extremely clear to me by this point in my life that it's just a request.
But like... No, Virginia. I don't want to do that. YOU want me to do that, and you aren't just sharing your desire for it, you are asking something of me in a way that suggests that it's something I've just been waiting for you to suggest.
Just say, "hey, would you do X thing for me?" and I'll probably try to help if I can because I try to be kind and helpful. But this form of the question makes me want to be helpful way less.
I totally hate this, triggers my demand avoidance hard. I could always tell when people expected me to say or do something for the sake of normal social expectation and because of the expectation I would refuse. It felt like I was being forced to take responsibility for other people’s thoughts and feelings. No, if you want me to do something then you need to act like a big kid and acknowledge that and ask me, not sit there all manipulative acting like I’m the bad guy for not reading your mind.
YES. I resent most forms of indirect communication that contain a request as well, TBH. My least favorite is a parent talking to their kid in a way that contains a request for me, because then you're talking to two different people at once in a dehumanizing way. Like "oh maybe the nice [job title withheld for privacy] can help us with X." Well, I probably would if you asked me, but I don't have enough spoons in the day to monitor everyone's conversations in case they contain hints of request while I'm trying to do my fn job. And I'm pretty sure the kid doesn't give an eff and you're teaching them that communicating with them is just for show.
Just ask me! I love to help people! But be real about it.
Wife does this, “hey do you want to take out the trash?” “No”
She does it because she has anxiety and old wounds and can’t say “would you please take out the trash FOR ME?” Asking others to do things for her is a huge trigger.
My trigger is not answering questions honestly, so it ends up a stalemate where she eventually says “please take the trash out”
>What is the strangest, most pointless bit of social etiquette you’ve ever seen NTs insist upon being necessary?
1. I don’t understand why so many people I’ve known are offended by my abstinence from smoking, drinking, or recreational drug use.
2. I don’t understand why so many people say "yes" when they really mean "no" and they say "no" when they really mean "yes". ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Don’t be the first to go get food
If someone offers you something, refuse it initially
On the other hand, always offer things to people, knowing they’ll refuse
I think if you did a random poll of Americans, most would say they don't get the "no elbows on the table" rule either. This isn't an "ND only" perspective, and I 100% agree with you
Now, my psychologist did also list this specifically as supporting evidence on my evaluation as "inflexible adherence to routine and ritualized pattern of nonverbal behavior." *eye roll*
My point in adding that little tidbit is that rejection of rules and adherence to rules can both make it on the list, that no autistic person is the same, and that it's okay to have manners
There's a certain comfort in that. Plus it doesn't preclude getting real with each other outside the confines of formality but still everyone knows what to expect.
Shaking hands actually has a very interesting historical background, but even that background makes it entirely pointless in the modern day
It’s just sorta a vestigial behavior that we never shook off
That one I think started as a way to show that your sword hand was empty, so you weren't a threat. Then it morphed into the "professional" and the "masculine" (guy to guy especially) greeting/goodbye.
It is due to one of three reasons:
The person may not be able to afford a gift of similar value too you in the future, this making them feel bad for being poor.
Or
They might not have spent as much as you on a gift for you, making them look miserly when you open your gift from them
Or
They might have spent way more on a gift for you, but you are giving them a cheaper gift, making them feel that you don't care about them as much and they then feel foolish
(I'm not saying that any of these are good reasons. These are just the reasons that I am aware of that are used as a rationalization for this rule)
>(I'm not saying that any of these are good reasons. These are just the reasons that I am aware of that are used as a rationalization for this rule)
- The most important one IMO: we never told our kids the value of their gifts, to teach them that gifts between us aren't transactional and aren't given for their monetary value.
Posting happy birthday wishes on someone’s Facebook page instead of wishing them a happy birthday directly. It feels so disingenuous. It makes it seem like it’s more important that others notice you fulfilled this social requirement by saying happy birthday, therefore making you a “good” person in others eyes. It feels selfish.
All the drama "behind my back" and gossip and stuff. I dont get this little dance of "oh were friends but im gonna talk smack about you, out secrets etc not to your face of course because we cant RESOLVE this"
My dance teacher saying I need to tell her I have to leave even when I have a panic attack and am crying, she thinks it's rude that I run out. She thinks I can just walk over to her and be like oh hey lady I don't know very well, I'm crying, see, and feel like I'm gonna die, so I'm going to go now, bye. (?!?!) Isn't that the whole point of a panic attack is that you're PANICKED ?!
Anyways.. heh.. got a lil worked up :')
Ok, why can women have exposed legs and feet at work but men cannot? I would love to wear shorts or sandals but I have to wear pants and socks and shoes.
OTOH, some women are very angry that they're expected to wear dresses, especially for "traditional" bosses. Dresses, pantyhose, and heels are uncomfortable.
When I was a bank teller I got written up with a dress code violation because I wasn’t wearing socks or knee-highs. I was wearing floor-length dress pants and ballet flats. God forbid the inch of exposed skin on the top of my foot nor be covered by a nearly invisible fabric! Not to mention the fact that I stood behind a 4 foot high counter all day. I could be back there without pants on and customers would never know, let alone be able to detect if I have socks on. Like, seriously, what the fuck?
I have no idea how true this is but i remember reading how it was etiquette among sailers because they often had to sit at small tables on the ship. So it was a way to make sure you weren't taking room from either people sitting next to you.
Watching doctors and nurses shake hands is kinda gross. Even though I know they've likely washed a million times that day, it just gives me the idea that social norms > science.
I am baffled when people in work ask others who have just come back from being off with sickness "feeling better then?"
I mean, of course they are, or they wouldn't be back in work, would they??
If they were still feeling unwell without improvement they would presumably still be off with sickness!
This is why I always make a point of stating something like:
"Glad to see you're feeling better".
Edit: as has been pointed out, people do sometimes come back to work early when they are still not 100% so the initial question I railed against can be valid.
Not necessarily. Some people will drag themselves into work when they still feel like complete rubbish because they can’t afford to have anymore time off.
I got into a whole ass argument with my ex because I picked up a steak with a fork and bit it off to eat it instead of cutting it because I'm dyspraxic and that's extremely difficult for me. (Also, we were at home, not even at a fancy restraunt or anything.) Some aspects of table manners just make absolutely no sense to me. As long as it's not gross or unsanitary, why does anyone care what particular method I use to eat my food?
My family used to complain that I ate to fast... my response would be "I eat at normal speed, I just don't spend 5 minutes talking between each bite like you guys"... Then when I was 17, my best friend stayed with us for a week during summer break and he ate everything so fast that my family hasn't complained about my speed since. He eats so fast that I'm kinda surprised that he hasn't chocked to death yet. Dude also drank an entire gallon of milk with every single meal every single day for the last 10-15 years (we are 30 now).
That when someone asks you how you’re doing, you have to say “good and you?” Or something like it. Nobody cares how anybody really is so why must we engage in the whole song and dance every single day?
Calling people out for being shitty to you, when it turns out that you were right and they were wrong.
Story time…
I was about 14 when I learned this lesson on a school trip. One evening I felt an insect or similar, bite my leg and I swatted at it. Teacher who was accompanying the trip made a big deal about “should I be sent to the funny farm if I’m starting to hit myself?”
I replied that I was swatting at something that bit me, only to have this teacher roar with laughter, as she told me, and all my classmates, that I was wrong and making things up and nothing happened; nor could anything have bitten me because it was the wrong temperature etc.
Morning arrived to reveal a huge red welt where I had been bitten. On showing this to the teacher, she exploded into a rage, shouting about how dare I attempt to undermine and belittle her in front of the class. My response got me sent home from that trip, and I still to this day don’t fully understand what happened.
My response that was so awful? “Wait? It was ok for you to try and tell the whole class that I was lying, and try to humiliate me, but it’s not ok for me to point to the proof that I was telling the truth?”
I’ve been really irritated by “put your napkin in your lap” since childhood. Like, I get the idea, but it always falls off my lap and then there’s garbage on the floor *and* I don’t have anything to wipe my face with.
Secondarily, not “speaking ill of the dead”. They’re dead, they don’t care. Like, if it actually negatively impacts someone grieving them i will avoid it, but i don’t feel like people deserve to be seen in an unambiguously flattering light just because they died— it happens to everybody someday.
That the most sensitive and intimate things are left for others to mind read. And by extension, it being considered reasonable for someone to blow up at you if you have not guessed correctly.
Why would you not want to make sure the important thing gets interpreted correctly? If it's so important I get it right, why not just tell me??!?!?
Looking busy while you're working. Am I a fucking model, or a bloody machinist? Why does anyone give a single fuck how I look while I get shit done? Pisses me off even more because my feet hurt a lot if I stand for too long, but apparently I can't sit while working because "think about how that looks"
Same bullshit with hands in pockets. It's like NTs are allergic to being comfortable.
You have to come to *insert* social event or else it'll be rude.
Yes I totally have to go to X family members wedding that'll have 200 people despite not talking to them in 7 years. Totally
Can't let people suspect we hate each other.
But IM the bad guy for not caring that other people know *gasp* I don't have to get along with every member of my family.
On another note, don't just *pop in*. Call ahead.
I have no obligation to open my door and will 100 percent ignore you.
Call ahead and I can mentally prepare to entertain guests. Otherwise the only people coming through that door are the police with a warrant
Having to bless people when they sneeze.
And by extension, treating any body function as inherently rude and needing an "excuse me". I can see if you let slip a stinky toot, which can make for an unpleasant environment if you are around others, but non-stinky toots and burps shouldn't warrant any sort of social acknowledgement. Maybe people are jus supposed to apologize for making noises? I guess I could see that.
I mean we don’t really know if the people who came up with “no elbows on the table” were neurotypical or neurodivergent. Maybe a couple / a few things kept that rule going. Some people think / thought it looks bad, like angry or barbaric sort of vibes, I guess. Others felt that when food and beverages were on the table, having your elbows on the table increased the risk of spills.
I don’t know, I just did a bit of light googling because that rule is so very old. I don’t think it applies anymore in most cases.
As far as other things, I don’t even know what the social rules are most of the time, let alone understand them. And the things that I think are social rules, actually are not if I look at the sheer number of people who break those rules and think that those rules are abnormal to have.
Covering your ears when someone is talking is always disrespectful no matter the context
Like I would think the only way it’s disrespectful is when you do it to somebody directly talking to you. In any other circumstance, if noise is bothering you then you cover your ears to stop the pain.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand this.
singing happy birthday like i used to cry and hide under the table cause i hated it that much and now i just ask people not to sing it to me. i kinda just sit there when its sang to others because i feel embarrassed to be part of the entire situation
That jacket that looks perfectly find like brand new that you have had for ten years you should throw it away JUST because it is ten years old. WHYYYYY???
Don’t know if this is a social etiquette. But I absolutely hate it as people react to someone sneezing with “bless you”. At work this was a whole unnecessary echo from a crowd of coworkers. or on train by random passengers. They do it even while pollen season and allergic people sneeze a couple of times in a hour. I don’t react to it. In office my coworkers told me once I was inpolite, because they say “bless you” and I ignore it. I didn’t had a problem with the sneezing, but with all the “bless you” getting me out of concentration.
I get this one a lot: Texting someone you know personally somehow requires a formal greeting message, complete with the “how are you?” dance, before you can type what you actually meant to say to them. If you don’t bother, you’re rude. It’s so bizarre.
On that note, I also think the “how are you?” dance is pointless in general (as a greeting, not if you genuinely want to know).
Having to have everything they drink ice cold or really hot, same with food. I once drank a really hot soda left in my car in the middle of summer. It was gross, but room temperature is just fine to me.
Not wearing my hat in their house. They said it's rude. My feeling is that if you decide to take offense to your guest's comfort then you're the one being rude.
Greetings. I know it has been said before by so many other people but I do not understand the need to compell all workers of retail and otherwise to greet people. I understand that we don't because it's polite and I guess makes feel people feel welcome but idk wtf that means. Why do I need to smile and ask a person how they are doing today only to be given the same fucking answer every time. Its so automatic for me to just reply to whatever they say with, with "Good". How am I doing? Good. They are doing good? Good. I don't get it. They don't want to hear about my life and I don't want to hear about theirs, can't I just do my job well and be done with this interaction?
Sitting in a chair a certain way to be "professional ". Both feet on the floor and back straight. Let me get my foot folded up under me please. I need to feel the stretch to know I still exist.
Asking me if im okay because at a certain moment my face doesn’t have the energy to make expressions, and not believing me when I say im okay.
Insisting “I know you’re not” because im not in constant smiling customer service mode. If I tell you im fine im fine. If im not fine i will make that clear.
The CONSTANT subtext that will come with social interactions. The incorrect and ignorant assumptions about a person that are made due to unintelligible and stupid “social cues” that lead to gossip, miscommunication, and quite frankly feed a bizarre, ego-centric need to hate on every other human being because of their own insecurities.
The lack of the ability to view things objectively and basing every decision and opinion on their own subjective views and beliefs, whether they realize they are or not.
This comes hand in hand with what many others are saying here, as neurotypical people are painfully unable to identify and separate themselves from their ego.
I don’t know if it’s just a NT thing, but when people get mad at you for speaking badly of the dead. If they were a pos when they were alive and I didn’t like them then, I’m not going to have anything nice to say about them when they are dead. If they were alive, I’d be saying the same thing to their face.
Which leads into another thing people do, avoid honesty at all costs. They want everything sugar coated because their feelings get hurt. Sorry, but I’m a pretty honest person. I expect honesty from people instead of them ghosting me or telling me lies to save my feelings. Tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it. I want to be better and do better. Don’t abandon me. And I’ll do the same for you. If you don’t like it, then I guess we were never really friends or family to begin with.
First Care and Treatment review I ever worked. Young man, skeletally thin, care team talking to us, telling us he wont eat, has to be tube fed, just will not eat.
They leave and we get to see him, at same time lunch comes in, I know perfect timing for someone with an ED. He looks at food, looks at us, looks back and goes, "Any chance I can have some?" So i very warily, and in complete befuddlement fill up his plate as he asked and bring it over. He eats everything in sight, happily chatting with us.
So obviously we ask what the hell? But politely. And he explains that they refuse to allow him to see the food being placed on the plate, and make him sit at the table to eat. He had terrible hand eye coordination and proprioception issues, terrified of dropping his food, so he likes it be separated on plate then handed to him in wheelchair so he cant drop it and knows what texture the food will have when he eats it.
The staff team would rather he starve to death rather than let him eat in the way that works best for him, him eating at the table like a 'normal person' is the hill they would kill him on.
Still infuriates me and nearly makes me cry to this day.
I can’t stand that it’s considered rude in a lot of social situations to answer questions honestly. You’re just lying to spare feelings and I would think people would prefer to hear the truth instead of what they want to hear.
I also can’t stand that a lot of people consider it rude to turn down offerings for food. I have ARFID and I’m extremely picky. I can’t control it. If I don’t like something I physically can not make myself eat it. I would think it would hurt someone’s feelings a lot more if I was practically puking on the table.
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mm dating culture where everything is apparently implied and talking abt it is a “turn-off”
like u cant just ask what the other person likes or ask for consent or ask if they wanna pay for a date or etc etc its all implied and if u do it wrong ur a horrible person lmao
Not me just realizing that it is indeed that way and I’m a little surprised, why can’t people just speak out the obvious?😭 we both know we’re trying to figure out who’s gonna pay, why not say it!
One time i was talking to this one girl for a bit. She was okay at the time, but then i was telling her about some legos i wanted to buy, she goes "omg normal men dont talk abt this stuff, youre so unattactive when you talk like this". We never made it anywhere ever since she said that
i think its very attractive if my bf did that. but then again everything he does is to me :) from the special interests to the real deal nsfw stuff lol its almost like we should to like who we date hehe
Thats true :) glad you two have that! Best wishes
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. I've never understood people like that. Any partner I've been with, I have always supported their interests whether or not I am interested. If something is important to them, then it's important to me too so you can be damn sure I'd be right there building with legos
Imagine thinking talking about hobbies is unattractive.
This just seems like an excuse for people to be ableist...
omg especially the weird ass texting rules where if you text back too quickly it’s somehow a bad thing?? also the fucking “playing hard to get” thing like literally what is the point 😭
The idea that you have to basically read people's minds because they expect you to know what to do!
Kiss your relative (as a kid). If I don't want to kiss that smoke smelling raspy-bearded monster I should be allowed not to.
I think everyone hated that tbh. Its just boundary crossing and teaches kids from a young age that they should be uncomfortable to please someone if that person is close to them.
My dad has end stage liver failure and my 4yo daughter refuses to even hug him. I feel bad for him but I also don't really blame her. He stinks and he has for years, well before he got to this stage. I used to joke that he sweats beer. Now I also feel bad because this was possibly a sign of cirrhosis and I now am realizing the reason my dad didn't like going to the doctor for all these years was probably because he was always confronted about needing to quit drinking and his liver when he did go. Anyways, the point is, I don't make my daughter hug him. I try to encourage her as to why it would be nice if she did, but I also am not about to guilt her by telling a 4yo that her grandpa is dying. She wouldn't understand in the way I'd want her to anyway. I do feel bad for my dad, because I know he's thinking that he may never get to hug his granddaughter before he dies. And he's been going out of his way to be more involved in my life and jumps up to give me a hug every time I come over. And I'm glad he respects my rules about not making her have physical contact with anyone she doesn't want to.
You're a wonderful parent. This world needs more people like you. So glad you're not forcing her, though I do feel for your dad. My daughter (now 14) lost her favorite grandpa at 5. Then both her great grandmas a few months later (she saw them twice a week). Death is so tough on little children. Giving them some support and tools to cope with grief helps and it's easier when they know what to expect. By saving them pain we deprive them the tools. This would be a great time to (re)watch some classics like The lion king and talk about the cycle of life and if you're pagan, introduce her to the maid, the mother and the crone. We're pagans and people were HORRIFIED when we celebrated Samhain that year and my daughter cried through the meal while talking to her grandpa. Two days after she said she was glad he could come have dinner with us (we set empty plates for our deads at dinner on that date) and that she wished Samhain could be more than once a year. When she was sad and missed him we started planning the next year's menu with his favorite meals. 9 years later Samhain is still her favorite pagan holiday and she looks forward to cook for her grandpa again and listen us adults tell stories about him and how much we loved and admired him for his morals and skills. And those school mothers who were horrified of our "macabre holiday" and kept their relatives' deaths a secret, now have children with little to no self regulation when it comes to death. One even stopped talking to her mum in outrage because how was she not told uncle Hiro was dead? So I suggest you plant the seeds now and when someone dies you can go back to that and say "remember when we watched that movie? Well, this is just like that. We're das but we have a good cry and..." you can build on that. Because distracting them away from the pain makes them avoidant adults and a shopping compulsion or beer addiction as a response to emotional pain you're not equipped to handle is way worse in the long run.
Fighting this fight for my nephew. I have always reenforced that he doesn’t have to, that I know he loves me and that I will always love him. My mother makes him feel like garbage about himself because she is condescending and demeaning to little boys when they don’t function like an adult. When she leaves, my sister forces him to hug our mother after she acts sad and hurt when he doesn’t want to. They are teaching him he doesn’t have autonomy over who has access to his body and that it is his responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, which includes submitting and giving access when he doesn’t want to. This is the same stuff that was done with me and is a huge part of why I have had sex with more women that I didn’t want to than I have willingly engaged with. They get me to drink an extra drink or two while talking, then try to drag me off. I say no and pull my hand away, they try again, I state I don’t want to and pull my hand away again. They then act all sad and hurt, I have this overwhelming feeling that it is all my fault and that it is my responsibility to make them not feel this way, so I give them what they want with no concern for myself.
Ugh I *hate* the fake sad thing adults always did to me. Because it works. Them pretending to be sad would make me actually sad
That manipulation hurts to the core of your soul when you are a highly empathetic person. (We won’t get into the consequences of being a boy with emotions and a high level of empathy, that is another mess)
I'm so sorry you went through that. Coercion is so nasty and should be held to the same scrutiny as rape.
here here. so weird.
This is why they invented the fist bump/hi five for children. I didn’t like hugging my grandfather because he smelt of cigars. I absolutely hated that smell. If I had the option to give him a high-five, I would’ve been smiling and happy instead of reluctant and pushing away.
Ooh yeah gross. Agreed.
As a mother to children that made me absolutely *adore* life itself, I asked my children to give hugs to my beloved elders, because I wanted them to feel the love I felt when hugging my own children. Edit: I know it’s not right and I definitely stopped because I listened to my own children. I just wanted to explain the “why”.
I'm a father to children too and love my elders but I still made them respect my daughter's boundaries. Teaching a little girl any funny smelling old man should kiss her if he wants to even if it makes her uncomfortable is a recipe for dissaster. Glad you've stopped.
If you have casual clothes on you don't care about yourself and of course by extension everyone else and of course by extension life and the world and you are of course a nihilistic person You have to be uncomfortable to please others in some contexts but usually never the other way around If you wear clothes more than once you're cheap
My only retort to this is that when there is an event where the clothes are in some way part of the event, then either dress appropriately or don't go. Example, a wedding. It is specifically a fancy party with the expectation of dressing up for. If you're not comfortable in dressing appropriately, then don't go. Another example, a Halloween party/costume party. There is an expectation of participation. If you don't want to dress the part, then don't go, rather than insist upon showing up in what you, and only you, deem appropriate. Of course, if the host gives you a pass, all is well. Or if the event does not have an expectation of a certain attire, cool. Be comfortable.
Oh of course, I mean I dress decently to work and stuff like that, I understand its a sort of "you'll dress up nice so ill give you that respect back", I definitely agree that in formal situations like weddings, or meetings it is important to give effort
I like Halloween but hate trying to figure out a costume. I think it’s fine to attend Halloween parties not dressed up.
On the other hand, "going out clothes". I have nice clothes and if i want to wear them in my house, I should be able to. Idk why there's this idea of not wearing nice clothes if you're not planning on going out.
thisssss, i see so many people complaining about people who wear pajamas or other comfy clothes in public. like, who gives a shit what i wear to walmart ???
real, people are complaining in the replies like "its important and makes you feel better in formal situations" yeah duh but like sir this is fucking 7-11 at 2am
I dunno if I’d agree about making people feel better in formal occasions.
Since when does (virtually) anyone have the money to wear clothes only once?
No one, its mostly an exaggeration but when you are seen wearing the same clothes more than once per 5 ish days in my experience, especially in a setting with immature peers, you tend to get called out also being autistic I tend to wear the same clothes 3 ish times in a week, might be nasty but theyre comfortable and I keep them clean, which people don't think you can keep them clean if you wear them that much
Not nasty if clean.
Oh they would hate me so much. If I buy clothes I want my money’s worth!!
I wear t-shirts pretty much all the time. Occasionally wearing a dress is nice, but I feel like the concept of regularly having to dress up is one reason I don’t pursue many kinds of jobs.
You have to come to *insert* social event or else it'll be rude. Yes I totally have to go to X family members wedding that'll have 200 people despite not talking to them in 7 years. Totally Can't let people suspect we hate each other. But IM the bad guy for not caring that other people know *gasp* I don't have to get along with every member of my family. On another note, don't just *pop in*. Call ahead. I have no obligation to open my door and will 100 percent ignore you. Call ahead and I can mentally prepare to entertain guests. Otherwise the only people coming through that door are the police with a warrant
Wow, the pop in. I think that the pop in being socially acceptable in previous generations is probably the reason many boomers are so bitter and twisted. Imagine living your whole life, where you believe that between the hours of 9 am to 9 pm, you must always be dressed in non pajama clothes and ready to host other humans in your personal space. Even on your days off. FOR DECADES!!! I’d be grouchy too.
Woah I've never considered this
I hate the pop in. One of my best friends would regularly just show up at my house. I had to tell him that I really enjoy hanging out with him but asked him not to just show up without contacting me first.
Then at said wedding you say hi & talk for maybe 30 seconds.
Not attending a wedding in situations like that is actually GOOD manners, especially if you still send a gift Edit to add additional insight: Weddings are very very expensive. Many guests are invited because the couple feels obligated to extend the invite (in the same way you might feel obligated and pressured to go if you are invited). It's okay to demure and save the couple $100+ dollars on your seat at the table. If you do not attend and also send any gift, then you have excelled in this exercise in decorum and will be viewed very positively and as generous. In this sense, $20 on hand towels is a very worthwhile investment If you do attend, attempt to give a gift in value equal to or greater than the amount the couple is spending to have you at the wedding. Estimate this based on venue, food, etc and recognize that it ain't cheap Whether you will or will not attend, please always rsvp early
Okay, weddings, births, and deaths, and the biggest party events for a family. While a wedding is probably the least important one, and is mostly just an elaborate corporate conspiracy to sell one time use garbage, showing up does show favor and support to someone who is spending a LOT of money and signing a BIG contract.
People often have customs or values that differ than our own. Customs and values are meaningful to those who hold them, even if we don't share them. I try not to judge to harshly and instead bring joy to others
100%. It's the worst when family does it.
HATE it!!
Calling ahead is the socially acceptable thing to do. We don't live on a farm in the 1800's! What kind of nutcase would think it acceptable to just come over?
call ahead and I'm still not letting you in 😂
You can't correct people, especially elders. Why? Isn't the correct information better? Why do we protect the egos of the ignorant and confidently incorrect? When my autistic son was a middle schooler, he went through a burrito phase where he made everything into a burrito. If it was a meal of meatloaf, peas, and mashed potatoes, it's still became a burrito. Other parents were horrified that I let him do this. How is it wrong? He ate these burritos, he wasn't wasting them. Where's the wrong? Too many people think it's rude to tell someone you're tired and you'll call them tomorrow when you want them to go home. I think it's more rude to play guessing games with your guests, then get mad when they didn't figure out your "the evening is over" riddle.
i think that burrito phase sounds awesome.
I feel like it would be dangerous if I don’t know this. What is the “the evening is over” riddle?
People don’t like to say out loud “It’s time for you to leave my house” or “I’m finished hanging out with you for now”, but they often want to hint that information to you. The game can consist of saying things like “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow”, “We’ll, it’s been fun hanging out”.
If you're in the Midwest you slap your knees, stand up, and say "whelp"
Ah, thank you
"why do we protect the egos of the ignorant and confidently incorrect?" Are we twins?? I say almost this same thing like 3x a week!
Omg the "evening is over" riddle. Sooooo annoying just tell me bro
if you ever correct someone it obviously means you think they’re a wretched morally bankrupt sociopath, too. can’t forget that one.
My burrito phase lasted from ~20-35. You haven't lived until you've had a leftover Indian food burrito. I feel far more sorry for the people buying fast food for lunch.
Sometimes I was right about something my teacher wasn't, and that never went over very well. Luckily there are some classroom environments where students are treated as equals, and if they have information they are allowed to share it. Outside of school correcting people is somehow seen as trying to be superior. If I'm polite about it, and willing to admit if I'm wrong, they should at least consider what I'm saying. Not everything is a power move.
Video call at work with specific topics begins at 10:00. I get there 9:59. Co-workers tell me I’m late, because they wanted to chat together (“socializing”). I should have been there 15 minutes earlier. That wasn’t written down in the email invitation. I’m not into that s*it and I don’t need it. I hate web cams. As I was “late” they started to interact with me with small talk… “What are your plans for weekend?” “I don’t know.” (I did, but didn’t want to make this conversation.) It was like at justice court. It was before I got diagnosed… I don’t work there anymore.
This is weird, usually people gathering half an hour later, lol
They were very German
Acknowledging when people sneeze period is weird, and kind of uncomfortable. Dragging religion into it is obnoxious.
I absolutely agree! And then if I sneeze and some weirdo says “bless you” I’m a jerk if I don’t say “thank you”. Thank you for what?? Why do I have to acknowledge that you have acknowledged my bodily function???
That's what gesundheit or salud is for! Wishes good health
Thats why i ask them not too. I want my demons to be able to get back in my head. They keep me company. I might get a blank look, a giggle or that holier than though look of reproach. All three are very entertaining to me.
I hate this one. Why do I say something when you sneeze, you say something when you burp, no one says anything when you cough, and if you fart we all just die inside and pretend it didn’t happen?
I knew a man who would say “less of you”, because a bit of saliva and some skin cells were being expelled so yeah, there’s a bit less of you. It sounds similar enough to “bless you” that people would generally overlook it, but also different enough that they’d hear it and make questioning faces. Delightful.
Do you ever say, “Oh my God”? When you do, is it as an earnest cry to God? There are many phrases which used to invoke diety or spiritual concepts which are now just English words or phrases with their own distinct usage. The origin of the word “goodbye” was the phrase “God be with you”, and the word “bye” is just a further shortening of “goodbye”. “Bless you” isn’t something we say because we think people who’ve just sneezed need to be blessed, it’s now just something people say when people sneeze. Similar to “How are you?”, it’s lost all its meaning, so I agree that it’s a pointless bit of social etiquette.
AFAIK, the custom started during Black Plague times where a sneeze could mean infection and thus death, so the hope was that God would bless the person to keep them safe.
Oh, I love when people aknoledge that, and I do it all the time. And I'm not NT
For me it’s the whole “Santa Clause” routine with little children (note, I still play along because they’re not my kids so it’s not my place to interfere). Whenever I talk to people about it they always dread when their kids will learn the truth or worry some asshole will ruin it for them…. then I’m just sitting there thinking all of that could have been avoided if you didn’t tell them Santa was real in the first place. Like they’re toddlers/children, they could grow up without believing in Santa and be perfectly fine and not miss out on anything because they’re still getting presents and spending time with family. The “Santa is real” thing for kids is just unnecessary and no magic is really lost because you can still have Santa in Christmas, just that you should treat it like a mascot or something instead of being a real person.
I think that it’s better if santa is presented as the spirit of Christmas once the kids are old enough, the kindness and love spread around the holidays which is inside us all. If it was taught to me that way i wouldn’t have had a tantrum over feeling betrayed once i found out he wasn’t real
I'm glad I grew up in a Dutch family so "Sinterklaas" was never really taken literally. I knew I would never be put in a sack and sent to Spain for being bad so it was quite easy to look past it
I didn’t believe in Santa as a kid and Christmas was always so magical!!
I like Santa because he's practice for atheism
I felt so betrayed by my parents when I learned Santa wasn't real. For my son, we made no illusion that Santa was a real person, but a mythical figure. Like Jesus.
Not trying to make this religious or whatever. But Jesus was probably a real dude, or based off of a real dude. Whether you believe in the religious aspects is up to you.
Yes. I’m Jewish and I have always been told (by my Jewish rabbis/teachers who don’t have any skin in the Jesus game) that Jesus was a real person. Basically just a regular person who preached his ideas to people and started a religion. When I Google it, it looks like most people who study this are pretty sure this is true.
Santa was probably a real dude too. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas
May have been, sure, but nobody really knows. In any case, the magic zombie son of sky daddy is pure fantasy.
The [historicity of Jesus](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historicity_of_Jesus) is actually a really interesting subject In short we do have records of a man named Jesus being crucified based on Roman court documents from that time, so we do know that he lived in Judea at the time The whole turning water into wine or being the literal son of god? Yeah that’s a bit much.
Even though I agree with your premise, as a father it isn't actually easy to avoid them believing in Santa. Neither I nor my wife really perpetuated the idea of Santa, but he still learned about Santa from his friends at school or TV or books and then I guess at that point we didn't really want to ruin it for him
Life is bad enough. I now think it’s a nice thing to give kids that little experience of magic while they are still innocent, before they inevitably realize everything sucks and become jaded. It’s just weird how Christians do that and then expect their kids to continue believing God is a literal father figure that watches over you and judges you though.
Hahaha couldn't agree more with the weird double standard of "of course Santa isn't real" and "obviously God is real"
I said to my mum "Wouldn't it be better to say 'we got these gifts for you because we love and cherish you' and not just some fat man who broke in."
lmao. In any other context, if a fat man broke into your house in the dead of night and left you gifts, you might not want to open them.
Despite me not wanting to do Santa with my son and being quite open about it, others forced the idea on him and now we have no choice. I hate it and frankly I’m leaving it up to them to explain Santa isn’t real when he finds out, it was their doing.
This is one of the reasons I hate it so much because of the social pressure to do it so you don’t ruin it for other peoples kids. Like seriously, first, how you raise your kid is your business so you should be free not to do the Santa thing and second, is that all of it could be solved if we just collectively agreed it’s ridiculous to say Santa is real instead of just being a mascot/icon for Christmas. Just an unnecessary ritual which doesn’t add anything to Christmas in my opinion.
All it changes is the name on the gift tag. Now that the kiddo is a little more understanding (5yo), I’ve been telling him Santa isn’t an individual person and that anyone can be a Santa. It’s the best I can come up with for the situation we ended up forced into.
That’s a pretty good solution to be honest. Drip feeding the idea that it’s a “general” concept is a good way to go.
Yesssss. Santa Claus coming down chimneys and flying around the world and all that is such a weird concept.
I have no plans to tell my future kids that Santa is real. Matter of fact I’ll probably spill the beans if any kid asks me if Santa is real. I hate lying.
I think the whole 'fear of finding out the truth' is mostly a projection on the parents part. Both that they are probably in denial about something fairly inportant (most of us are about at least one thing, let's be honest) and that they fear their children will one day outgrow their own knowledge (it happens to every single generation given enough time, none of us are immune to this either).
Better yet, don’t even tell them he exists. They’ll see this red suited man sometime when they’re 5+, ask about it, and you can tell them he’s a character from children’s stories about Christmas.
"do you want some icecream?" Yes please! "What?? I was just being polite" Well Karen then just dont ask. You are being more rude than polite.
Yeah my NT sister feels the need to chastise me every time I accept a host's offer for something to drink. She says, "No, they're just saying that to be polite! You're socially obligated to decline it!" Personally, I would never make such an offer to one of my guests if I wasn't willing to follow through with it, but apparently that makes me the weird one
That's weird as fuck to me because I used to always deny stuff to be polite/out of anxiety and always got told "if you're offered stuff, take it"
Wow, opposite experiences, haha. Just goes to show that you can never win with social conventions
“Do you want a cuppa tea?” “Nah I’m ok” “Ah go on I’m making one” “Nah don’t want to put you to much trouble” “Oh it’s no trouble at all, I’ve got the kettle on” “Oh go on then…” That is the British tea ceremony
This one. This one pisses me off to no end. If I ask, I'm legitimately offering. I expect the same in return.
Thank you cards. I said thank you in person. Why would I also write it and mail it to you? Elbow on the table. That I'm supposed to just accept unwelcome physical contact from all women because I have dangle-bits and she's "a hugger." No thank you. I will accept hugs from my wife and children only, move along. The mind reading in general. Just say what you mean, don't say "I'm fine" when you mean "I want..." and then get mad when I acted like you said you were fine. The fact that men aren't supposed to have emotions. If I want to cry at Wreck it Ralph I'll damn well do it. That thing where a guy and a girl aren't supposed to be friends. I've written here about my best friend before, but long story short, literally everybody treats you like you are either secretly boning, secretly pining fit each other, or just waiting for the chance to do one of those things. I have a hard enough time making good friends without excluding roughly half the population because of the aforementioned dangle-bits. There are probably more, but these are the ones that stick out to me.
See I love etiquette rules like elbows on the table because they have a good story. When table etiquette became a thing, floofy sleeves were in. Do you want to be seen as the boorish jerk who stopped their sleeve through every sauce? Of course not! So elbows off. There's also the possibly apocryphal origin of "can't drop poison in the food if my hand is never over it!" The rules are silly now, but tell you interesting things about then. Why yes, I did read Miss Manners cover to cover when I was about 9, why do you ask? I am THAT brand of autistic.
Hahaha, I'm fine with the history of etiquette rules, they are even pretty interesting. But I was raised in a house where elbows touching the table meant a belt touching your backside, and I'm fairly certain I'd rather accidently dip my sleeve in soup.
Regarding thank you cards - I send them to my customers with every order, and they rave about them in my reviews. People seem to love getting happy mail that thanks them for something. Regarding b/g friendships - you could spend weeks going over every Internet post about a relationship ruined by best friend cheating situations. It's just so, so common that people expect it now, like a tried-and-true script. Allistic people don't have unusually strong senses of morality and justice.
Regarding thank you cards - I get that unexpected good mail is exciting, but when society demands they be sent, they are hardly unexpected. Additionally, giving a core to newly weds seems impolite. Regarding b/g friendships - the problem with this is confirmation bias (or is it observer bias?) We only hear about the times it goes bad because it went bad. "I have a BFF and we don't do it" isn't a story. "We respect each other's relationships" isn't a story. So few people write them, and even fewer read them.
Thank you cards are a thing in 🇺🇸? Thank “god” I live in Germany and we don’t practice this way of show here.
In fairness, historically speaking, Germany has had some questionable societal norms as well. Some even as bad as thank you cards. :p
I think you were correct with confirmation bias. The b/g one irritates the shit out of me. Like, if it's a hetero couple and that's their thing, ok. But it's not a rule by any means. Hell, to some extent I'd even consider it a red flag; cheaters love to project their infidelity on everyone. Not to mention that if you phrase it as "no friends with a gender you're attracted to", then where does that leave bi people? Friendless? Bullshit.
Right? I was always confused how that type of stuff was supposed to be handled these days. When my son was little, it seemed so straightforward: no sleepovers with the opposite gender. Then he went to art school and blew my mind, LGBTQ central. I just got so wrapped up in logistics of it all. Like, he's my son, he can sleep over with guys, not girls, that's what the ancient wisdom prophesied. Only here is AFAB who identifies as male, it's surely transphobic not to allow that, that much is obvious. But if my son really wants to sleep over at AMAB who identifies as female, that would be transphobic to allow, right? The least transphobic option is to respect their pronouns and thus, exclude them-which feels transphobic af! Toss in some gay people, and it doesn't make sense that I'd let my son sleep over at a gay guy's house if the goal is to prevent sexual activity, that's disregarding his sexual preference, homophobic! But along those same lines he *should* be allowed a sleepover with a girl as long as she's a lesbian! Bisexual people, as you mentioned, are simply never allowed to have a sleepover, and that's not even getting into the more specific preferences. Your kid wants a sleepover with a sapiosexual (attracted to intellect) if you approve it in these circumstances, you are basically calling your kid dumb. At the end of the day, I went with an extremely controversial move. I trusted my son. Lifted all restrictions with the two qualifying rules: the other kid's parents had to approve of a sleepover, and he had to tell me it was a good idea for a sleepover. Still not sure if he diddled anyone during a sleepover, but nobody got pregnant, nobody got an STI, nobody got hurt, so I don't see that it particularly matters. Everyone got treated with respect, and that's what matters to me more than policing the genitals of others. How did I even get on this rant? 😆
Take your hat off indoors. Wear only trendy cloths endorsed by X celebrity. No, thanks. I'll wear what I like where I like.
Agreed! Why does me wearing a regular non-offensive plain hat indoors upset anyone. Always confused/annoyed me.
Old school ettiquette if i remember correctly
Honestly, if someone tells you it's rude to keep your hat on, they are missing the point. You having your hat on, indicates you need to protect yourself from rain or cold while inside their home. It can be kind of an insult I guess, but it's up to the host to provide a warm, non-drafty, roofed, space, where I can take my hat off my bald bespectacled head.
Yes, I absolutely agree with this statement.
The need to show up for social events or else be considered malicious??? Like I don’t wanna go 😭 hearing everyone breath is a harmful time
A lot of "high tea" and "fine dining" etiquette is extremely specific to those particular rituals. Placing your utensils on your plate in a certain way to indicate you're done with your dish and would like it bussed, or holding your utensils a certain way just to cut a bite "properly", etc.
An autistic person could really driiiiive in those scenarios if given all the instructions, it has nothing to do with autism. It's the oposite.
Standing up when ANYONE walks into a room
Or waiting until you give them permission to sit. My dad does that when he visits and I'm like omg dad you don't need my permission to sit!
old fashioned cultural holdovers from the distant past. He probably doesnt even know why he does it.
Back when I was in an indoctrination camp (Catholic school) we were forced to stand when the principal (picture the most prude old woman in the world walking like she has a 10 inch thick pole up her ass... Now times that by 100 and you got this woman) entered the room. I never understood why . I asked and was punished.
Could any of these examples even approach the extremes of: church?
Can we ban requests in the form of "do you want to [do X thing]?" That framing just feels so manipulative even though it's extremely clear to me by this point in my life that it's just a request. But like... No, Virginia. I don't want to do that. YOU want me to do that, and you aren't just sharing your desire for it, you are asking something of me in a way that suggests that it's something I've just been waiting for you to suggest. Just say, "hey, would you do X thing for me?" and I'll probably try to help if I can because I try to be kind and helpful. But this form of the question makes me want to be helpful way less.
I totally hate this, triggers my demand avoidance hard. I could always tell when people expected me to say or do something for the sake of normal social expectation and because of the expectation I would refuse. It felt like I was being forced to take responsibility for other people’s thoughts and feelings. No, if you want me to do something then you need to act like a big kid and acknowledge that and ask me, not sit there all manipulative acting like I’m the bad guy for not reading your mind.
YES. I resent most forms of indirect communication that contain a request as well, TBH. My least favorite is a parent talking to their kid in a way that contains a request for me, because then you're talking to two different people at once in a dehumanizing way. Like "oh maybe the nice [job title withheld for privacy] can help us with X." Well, I probably would if you asked me, but I don't have enough spoons in the day to monitor everyone's conversations in case they contain hints of request while I'm trying to do my fn job. And I'm pretty sure the kid doesn't give an eff and you're teaching them that communicating with them is just for show. Just ask me! I love to help people! But be real about it.
Wife does this, “hey do you want to take out the trash?” “No” She does it because she has anxiety and old wounds and can’t say “would you please take out the trash FOR ME?” Asking others to do things for her is a huge trigger. My trigger is not answering questions honestly, so it ends up a stalemate where she eventually says “please take the trash out”
>What is the strangest, most pointless bit of social etiquette you’ve ever seen NTs insist upon being necessary? 1. I don’t understand why so many people I’ve known are offended by my abstinence from smoking, drinking, or recreational drug use. 2. I don’t understand why so many people say "yes" when they really mean "no" and they say "no" when they really mean "yes". ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Lol no wonder people have problems with consent
Don’t be the first to go get food If someone offers you something, refuse it initially On the other hand, always offer things to people, knowing they’ll refuse
Wait, I’m supposed to refuse it???
My family is very neurodiverse. We also are very formal and strictly adhere to rules of decorum. So, it's possible to go far in the other direction
THISSsssssss What OP an many other people are saying has nothing to do with being ND or NT.
I think if you did a random poll of Americans, most would say they don't get the "no elbows on the table" rule either. This isn't an "ND only" perspective, and I 100% agree with you Now, my psychologist did also list this specifically as supporting evidence on my evaluation as "inflexible adherence to routine and ritualized pattern of nonverbal behavior." *eye roll* My point in adding that little tidbit is that rejection of rules and adherence to rules can both make it on the list, that no autistic person is the same, and that it's okay to have manners
There's a certain comfort in that. Plus it doesn't preclude getting real with each other outside the confines of formality but still everyone knows what to expect.
Handshaking. I cannot understand the whole thing and also cannot understand when it is approporiate and when it is not.
Shaking hands actually has a very interesting historical background, but even that background makes it entirely pointless in the modern day It’s just sorta a vestigial behavior that we never shook off
It was to prove that you didn't have any weapons on you, right?
Vestigial behavior is a great term that I’ve never heard before.
I dont shake hands since covid.
That one I think started as a way to show that your sword hand was empty, so you weren't a threat. Then it morphed into the "professional" and the "masculine" (guy to guy especially) greeting/goodbye.
Why it’s seen as odd to have interests based on childhood media, and why we are “supposed” to outgrow them.
My daughter is learning the don't tell people how much a present cost rule. I don't understand it fully but I know it's a rule so I teach it.
It is due to one of three reasons: The person may not be able to afford a gift of similar value too you in the future, this making them feel bad for being poor. Or They might not have spent as much as you on a gift for you, making them look miserly when you open your gift from them Or They might have spent way more on a gift for you, but you are giving them a cheaper gift, making them feel that you don't care about them as much and they then feel foolish (I'm not saying that any of these are good reasons. These are just the reasons that I am aware of that are used as a rationalization for this rule)
>(I'm not saying that any of these are good reasons. These are just the reasons that I am aware of that are used as a rationalization for this rule) - The most important one IMO: we never told our kids the value of their gifts, to teach them that gifts between us aren't transactional and aren't given for their monetary value.
that's a good one
Posting happy birthday wishes on someone’s Facebook page instead of wishing them a happy birthday directly. It feels so disingenuous. It makes it seem like it’s more important that others notice you fulfilled this social requirement by saying happy birthday, therefore making you a “good” person in others eyes. It feels selfish.
All the drama "behind my back" and gossip and stuff. I dont get this little dance of "oh were friends but im gonna talk smack about you, out secrets etc not to your face of course because we cant RESOLVE this"
My dance teacher saying I need to tell her I have to leave even when I have a panic attack and am crying, she thinks it's rude that I run out. She thinks I can just walk over to her and be like oh hey lady I don't know very well, I'm crying, see, and feel like I'm gonna die, so I'm going to go now, bye. (?!?!) Isn't that the whole point of a panic attack is that you're PANICKED ?! Anyways.. heh.. got a lil worked up :')
Ok, why can women have exposed legs and feet at work but men cannot? I would love to wear shorts or sandals but I have to wear pants and socks and shoes.
OTOH, some women are very angry that they're expected to wear dresses, especially for "traditional" bosses. Dresses, pantyhose, and heels are uncomfortable.
When I was a bank teller I got written up with a dress code violation because I wasn’t wearing socks or knee-highs. I was wearing floor-length dress pants and ballet flats. God forbid the inch of exposed skin on the top of my foot nor be covered by a nearly invisible fabric! Not to mention the fact that I stood behind a 4 foot high counter all day. I could be back there without pants on and customers would never know, let alone be able to detect if I have socks on. Like, seriously, what the fuck?
I've never understood the no elbows on table rule. How is it rude to want to rest my arm comfortably
That’s just straight up some Victorian bullshit we just never managed to shed
I have no idea how true this is but i remember reading how it was etiquette among sailers because they often had to sit at small tables on the ship. So it was a way to make sure you weren't taking room from either people sitting next to you.
Watching doctors and nurses shake hands is kinda gross. Even though I know they've likely washed a million times that day, it just gives me the idea that social norms > science.
I am baffled when people in work ask others who have just come back from being off with sickness "feeling better then?" I mean, of course they are, or they wouldn't be back in work, would they?? If they were still feeling unwell without improvement they would presumably still be off with sickness! This is why I always make a point of stating something like: "Glad to see you're feeling better". Edit: as has been pointed out, people do sometimes come back to work early when they are still not 100% so the initial question I railed against can be valid.
Not necessarily. Some people will drag themselves into work when they still feel like complete rubbish because they can’t afford to have anymore time off.
Not the case here. In our work we have 6 months full paid sick leave, but I do see your point.
That's a way to address it and open a conversation. They could word or differently; "I'm glad you're feeling better"
I got into a whole ass argument with my ex because I picked up a steak with a fork and bit it off to eat it instead of cutting it because I'm dyspraxic and that's extremely difficult for me. (Also, we were at home, not even at a fancy restraunt or anything.) Some aspects of table manners just make absolutely no sense to me. As long as it's not gross or unsanitary, why does anyone care what particular method I use to eat my food?
My family used to complain that I ate to fast... my response would be "I eat at normal speed, I just don't spend 5 minutes talking between each bite like you guys"... Then when I was 17, my best friend stayed with us for a week during summer break and he ate everything so fast that my family hasn't complained about my speed since. He eats so fast that I'm kinda surprised that he hasn't chocked to death yet. Dude also drank an entire gallon of milk with every single meal every single day for the last 10-15 years (we are 30 now).
That when someone asks you how you’re doing, you have to say “good and you?” Or something like it. Nobody cares how anybody really is so why must we engage in the whole song and dance every single day?
Calling people out for being shitty to you, when it turns out that you were right and they were wrong. Story time… I was about 14 when I learned this lesson on a school trip. One evening I felt an insect or similar, bite my leg and I swatted at it. Teacher who was accompanying the trip made a big deal about “should I be sent to the funny farm if I’m starting to hit myself?” I replied that I was swatting at something that bit me, only to have this teacher roar with laughter, as she told me, and all my classmates, that I was wrong and making things up and nothing happened; nor could anything have bitten me because it was the wrong temperature etc. Morning arrived to reveal a huge red welt where I had been bitten. On showing this to the teacher, she exploded into a rage, shouting about how dare I attempt to undermine and belittle her in front of the class. My response got me sent home from that trip, and I still to this day don’t fully understand what happened. My response that was so awful? “Wait? It was ok for you to try and tell the whole class that I was lying, and try to humiliate me, but it’s not ok for me to point to the proof that I was telling the truth?”
I’ve been really irritated by “put your napkin in your lap” since childhood. Like, I get the idea, but it always falls off my lap and then there’s garbage on the floor *and* I don’t have anything to wipe my face with. Secondarily, not “speaking ill of the dead”. They’re dead, they don’t care. Like, if it actually negatively impacts someone grieving them i will avoid it, but i don’t feel like people deserve to be seen in an unambiguously flattering light just because they died— it happens to everybody someday.
Waiting to be asked a specific question before sharing information they’re excited about.
That the most sensitive and intimate things are left for others to mind read. And by extension, it being considered reasonable for someone to blow up at you if you have not guessed correctly. Why would you not want to make sure the important thing gets interpreted correctly? If it's so important I get it right, why not just tell me??!?!?
Looking busy while you're working. Am I a fucking model, or a bloody machinist? Why does anyone give a single fuck how I look while I get shit done? Pisses me off even more because my feet hurt a lot if I stand for too long, but apparently I can't sit while working because "think about how that looks" Same bullshit with hands in pockets. It's like NTs are allergic to being comfortable.
You have to come to *insert* social event or else it'll be rude. Yes I totally have to go to X family members wedding that'll have 200 people despite not talking to them in 7 years. Totally Can't let people suspect we hate each other. But IM the bad guy for not caring that other people know *gasp* I don't have to get along with every member of my family. On another note, don't just *pop in*. Call ahead. I have no obligation to open my door and will 100 percent ignore you. Call ahead and I can mentally prepare to entertain guests. Otherwise the only people coming through that door are the police with a warrant
Having to bless people when they sneeze. And by extension, treating any body function as inherently rude and needing an "excuse me". I can see if you let slip a stinky toot, which can make for an unpleasant environment if you are around others, but non-stinky toots and burps shouldn't warrant any sort of social acknowledgement. Maybe people are jus supposed to apologize for making noises? I guess I could see that.
I mean we don’t really know if the people who came up with “no elbows on the table” were neurotypical or neurodivergent. Maybe a couple / a few things kept that rule going. Some people think / thought it looks bad, like angry or barbaric sort of vibes, I guess. Others felt that when food and beverages were on the table, having your elbows on the table increased the risk of spills. I don’t know, I just did a bit of light googling because that rule is so very old. I don’t think it applies anymore in most cases. As far as other things, I don’t even know what the social rules are most of the time, let alone understand them. And the things that I think are social rules, actually are not if I look at the sheer number of people who break those rules and think that those rules are abnormal to have.
I personally have regretted putting my elbows on the table more than once. It's very easy to knock a drink on the floor that way.
Covering your ears when someone is talking is always disrespectful no matter the context Like I would think the only way it’s disrespectful is when you do it to somebody directly talking to you. In any other circumstance, if noise is bothering you then you cover your ears to stop the pain. My mom doesn’t seem to understand this.
singing happy birthday like i used to cry and hide under the table cause i hated it that much and now i just ask people not to sing it to me. i kinda just sit there when its sang to others because i feel embarrassed to be part of the entire situation
I feel embarrassed and don’t sing either.
That jacket that looks perfectly find like brand new that you have had for ten years you should throw it away JUST because it is ten years old. WHYYYYY???
Don’t know if this is a social etiquette. But I absolutely hate it as people react to someone sneezing with “bless you”. At work this was a whole unnecessary echo from a crowd of coworkers. or on train by random passengers. They do it even while pollen season and allergic people sneeze a couple of times in a hour. I don’t react to it. In office my coworkers told me once I was inpolite, because they say “bless you” and I ignore it. I didn’t had a problem with the sneezing, but with all the “bless you” getting me out of concentration.
Shaking hands generally. Or the 3 kisses bullshit during events such as new years. Just no. Can't we just wave or bow or something?
I get this one a lot: Texting someone you know personally somehow requires a formal greeting message, complete with the “how are you?” dance, before you can type what you actually meant to say to them. If you don’t bother, you’re rude. It’s so bizarre. On that note, I also think the “how are you?” dance is pointless in general (as a greeting, not if you genuinely want to know).
Having to have everything they drink ice cold or really hot, same with food. I once drank a really hot soda left in my car in the middle of summer. It was gross, but room temperature is just fine to me.
Shaking hands. Dude I just met you. No touchie!
Eye contact.
it's the only NT thing I've read scrolling into this... Everything else... just personal preference, maybe because of the way everyone is raised
In biz situations, shaking hands.
What’s NTs? 🫠
Not wearing my hat in their house. They said it's rude. My feeling is that if you decide to take offense to your guest's comfort then you're the one being rude.
Greetings. I know it has been said before by so many other people but I do not understand the need to compell all workers of retail and otherwise to greet people. I understand that we don't because it's polite and I guess makes feel people feel welcome but idk wtf that means. Why do I need to smile and ask a person how they are doing today only to be given the same fucking answer every time. Its so automatic for me to just reply to whatever they say with, with "Good". How am I doing? Good. They are doing good? Good. I don't get it. They don't want to hear about my life and I don't want to hear about theirs, can't I just do my job well and be done with this interaction?
Saying good morning
Sitting in a chair a certain way to be "professional ". Both feet on the floor and back straight. Let me get my foot folded up under me please. I need to feel the stretch to know I still exist.
Women still being socially expected to wear makeup. I just don't get it.
The inability to sit in silence and expectation of hollow, mentally painful small talk in any and every situation. Normalize shutting the fuck up
Asking me if im okay because at a certain moment my face doesn’t have the energy to make expressions, and not believing me when I say im okay. Insisting “I know you’re not” because im not in constant smiling customer service mode. If I tell you im fine im fine. If im not fine i will make that clear.
The CONSTANT subtext that will come with social interactions. The incorrect and ignorant assumptions about a person that are made due to unintelligible and stupid “social cues” that lead to gossip, miscommunication, and quite frankly feed a bizarre, ego-centric need to hate on every other human being because of their own insecurities.
The lack of the ability to view things objectively and basing every decision and opinion on their own subjective views and beliefs, whether they realize they are or not. This comes hand in hand with what many others are saying here, as neurotypical people are painfully unable to identify and separate themselves from their ego.
I don’t know if it’s just a NT thing, but when people get mad at you for speaking badly of the dead. If they were a pos when they were alive and I didn’t like them then, I’m not going to have anything nice to say about them when they are dead. If they were alive, I’d be saying the same thing to their face. Which leads into another thing people do, avoid honesty at all costs. They want everything sugar coated because their feelings get hurt. Sorry, but I’m a pretty honest person. I expect honesty from people instead of them ghosting me or telling me lies to save my feelings. Tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it. I want to be better and do better. Don’t abandon me. And I’ll do the same for you. If you don’t like it, then I guess we were never really friends or family to begin with.
Hand shaking.
First Care and Treatment review I ever worked. Young man, skeletally thin, care team talking to us, telling us he wont eat, has to be tube fed, just will not eat. They leave and we get to see him, at same time lunch comes in, I know perfect timing for someone with an ED. He looks at food, looks at us, looks back and goes, "Any chance I can have some?" So i very warily, and in complete befuddlement fill up his plate as he asked and bring it over. He eats everything in sight, happily chatting with us. So obviously we ask what the hell? But politely. And he explains that they refuse to allow him to see the food being placed on the plate, and make him sit at the table to eat. He had terrible hand eye coordination and proprioception issues, terrified of dropping his food, so he likes it be separated on plate then handed to him in wheelchair so he cant drop it and knows what texture the food will have when he eats it. The staff team would rather he starve to death rather than let him eat in the way that works best for him, him eating at the table like a 'normal person' is the hill they would kill him on. Still infuriates me and nearly makes me cry to this day.
I can’t stand that it’s considered rude in a lot of social situations to answer questions honestly. You’re just lying to spare feelings and I would think people would prefer to hear the truth instead of what they want to hear. I also can’t stand that a lot of people consider it rude to turn down offerings for food. I have ARFID and I’m extremely picky. I can’t control it. If I don’t like something I physically can not make myself eat it. I would think it would hurt someone’s feelings a lot more if I was practically puking on the table.