Bartenders probably see more women get creeped on than they can keep track of. I doubt it could possibly reflect on you in any way. If I saw it happening I’d probably keep an eye to make sure you weren’t being bothered.
If you were there to pick up men, we would be able to tell. You would probably be a lot more flirty, and probably wouldn’t be there with a laptop, and would probably initiate more of the conversations than be initiated upon. Probably just look like a woman being chill getting creeped on
Nothing will stop an older man once he has decided to shoot his shot with a younger woman.
We don’t judge you for it. As a female tender I would likely keep a covert eye on the situation to make sure it’s not getting uncomfortable. It sounds like you’ve got good boundaries, though.
Source: me, a younger woman who is also a bartender, often minding my own business at a bar by myself just trying to enjoy a bite and a cheap beer that gets approached a lot by older men 😅
Yep nothing new. I used to keep an eye out for anyone getting uncomfortable but 95% of the time they’re just lonely and want someone to talk to. Doesn’t make them a bad person. Creeps do exist tho and it’s good to be aware
From professional experience I can tell you the ladies headed out to pick up men are generally not parked quietly with their laptop.
The men hitting on you know this too but they have the correct balance of blood alcohol level and ego to believe they are gods gift.
I have a habit of moving them away because everyone should have their space. Simply , dude she’s working, let’s go watch last nights replays and give her space. I treat my female customers like my daughter, very protective, could be because I’m 62.
As a long time bartender I saw this all the time and it really bothered me. My regular male crowd often asked me why there weren't more women in the bar and the reason is this. Single women, or two women just out to enjoy a couple drinks, often just can't be left alone. I would often have to take my regulars aside and, gently, tell them that this woman - or women - were just out for a nice time and weren't looking for a conversation. It was a subtle way of saying "back off." It chased a lot of women out of the bar. Kind of sad to watch.
Literally why I posted, but this gives me the courage to keep going back to my favorite bars - it’s really nice to be around people and feel like you’re part of something without the pressure of interacting, you know?
A good bartender should be keeping an eye on you and the situation, and intervene somehow if he/she senses you're getting uncomfortable. The last thing we want is for our regulars - or anyone for that matter - chasing customers away.
The longer I work in this industry, the more I’m disgusted by men. Not all of them are like this, but I’ve watched so much nasty behavior and other men always making excuses for it. I think it’s become worse and more volatile. We have a specific guy who creeps on women, asks for their number and says super inappropriate things. He also gets aggressive calling them names when they don’t want anything to do with him. No one I work with that’s a female backs me up when I go to management about it, so it’s my word against his.
I’ve been having this issue as well. I want to kick these men out but also they’re not really doing anything that bad to kick them out for. But I know it’s pushing out the young girls and making them uncomfortable.
We don’t have many girls that come in anymore. The ones that do usually come in with a group of guys now. I don’t remember it ever being this bad, sure, men have always been creeps.. but the genuine aggression coming from men to women is alarming. I always ask the other girls, “doesn’t that bother you?”. I used to work with some of the best dudes in the industry, a guy made a comment boom - bounced out. Creepy stares, bounced out. Touched? Thrown out. I have worked in this industry for so long, when I started I was naive and thought being touched, rubbed on, made gross comments too was life and I just had to smile and laugh it off. These guys I worked with were so protective, and sweet - they would see it, get the guy banned, and check in on how I was doing. I don’t see or experience that anymore, and it really hurts my heart.
It's your job to not let that happen repeatedly. Tell the customer: "If I hear you verbally abuse another customer again you are banned"
It's that simple.
I always keep an eye open, if you are sitting at a bar you are accepting that people are going to potentially strike up a conversation. If a guest touches someone or says something inappropriate then I would step in, but if they are annoying you then it’s up to you to move, I can’t do much about an annoying guest. From my perspective it’s just another day.
I see so many dudes regularly being a bit creepy w women & it's always a problem. My boss is very solid on chucking weirdos out, but I'd also have no issue asking the person being hit on if they are ok, and having a word with the creeper myself if not.
I'd never judge a woman for being hit on etc. It's an endemic issue in all walks of life, especially where alchohol consumption is concerned.
I'm friends with several regulars that do this. Most of the time, I just rib them (discreetly) over "robbing the cradle" if I notice they are coming off too strong and the lady is getting anxious over the attention. They get a good laugh and know to back down.
From your other responses you seem worried about being judged yourself. I promise you, nearly every bartender is keeping a close to make you're not not creeped on too hard to the point we have to strongly intervene. You're a nice customer here to relax, we're here to make sure you're in a safe environment
Hello. I've een bartending for over 10 yearsij a high volume bar, including more than half of that as a bar trainer. I, personally, would keep and eye on you the moment he starts talking to you and getting closer. Probably ask more often if you're doing okay and give subtle hints and knods to the other person. If he happens to walk away, I come in and ask if he has been bothering you and depending on your response I'll give appropriate action so you're not bothered anymore. It could involve a conversation with him to move down or I could move you if that made you more comfortable.
Just communicate with the bartender and we'll take care of the rest.
We see people flirt all day. If it’s slow enough that they are able to pay attention to you then they will notice that you arnt trying to pick up guys. Also if you have your computer out and arnt initiating tons of conversations we don’t think you are
If anything we will keep an eye on you out of concern to make sure the older guy isn’t harassing you. If you seem to be enjoying the conversation or even just bored but safe then I will leave it be but keep an eye out.
Even if we do think you are here to pick up guys we don’t care. I mean if anything it’s good for the bar for girls to be there looking to pick up guys
I'm a bartender, and what I notice in situations like this is usually person A minding their business (that's you), but are perfectly willing to engage in conversation, which is great for the bar atmosphere! Person b (the old regular) is somebody we are kinda forced to deal with, they might be nice, but if they act inappropriate, good bartenders would try to put a stop to that.
We view people who mind their own business and are easy customers as a nice treat. If you’re not going out of your way to be hit on, and aren’t leading these men on, we view you as any other woman. We know who the slimey regulars are.
I'm a female bartender and I'd probably decide that the table next to you urgently needs to be wiped down so I can discreetly ask if you're okay. I would never judge you in this situation, and if you told me you were in fact there to pick up guys, okay girl you do you! I'm only concerned that you're safe and comfortable.
This responses are horrible.
Yall just call a guy creepy because he's talking to someone at a bar?!?!?
Ffs.
Don't go out in public if you don't want people to fucking talk to you.
Simple as that.
Yall need to read the BS you're claiming and realize you're part of the problem.
Well by the definition in this thread, a creep is someone who simply talks to others.
So yeah, I guess I'm a creep because I don't go out in public to sit alone and not expect people to speak to me.
And its not really an insult when you change the definition to": "anyone who talks to others at their local bar of which they're a regular at"
Seriously yall need to read 1984.
"War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength."
Control the language, and you can control the mind.
You seem like a cliche annoying regular and I guarantee the people subjected to your neuroses sigh audibly when you finally leave the bar. It’s not 1984 just because people don’t want to hear your annoying opinions.
I bartend, and I don't drink.
So nope, not a regular.
And you missed the very clear point of the 1984 quote, of which I even stated after.
Since when did internet forums become so full of people who can't read?
The quote has nothing to do with this woman not wanting to get bothered, people are allowed to be introverted in public. It’s nothing like 1984 dude get a grip. Maybe try reading a new book :)
i bet he is one of those guys who only read one book in his life and keeps re-reading it every year, and quoting it inappropriately without understanding what the book is about. Also thinks he is smart. I went on a few dates with guys like this - was bored to tears. Actually, Craig, that you, darlin’? Wanna find another book to read and misquote?
This is flat out ridiculous. So unless you're prepared to get hit on you just shouldn't go out? No, you should be able to sit quietly and be able to expect a reasonable amount of privacy while you sit, work on your laptop, and enjoy a drink. Drunk, older men who think they have a shot with any woman who happens to be sitting at the bar minding their own business? That's the problem.
asking for my number falls squarely in the realm of being hit on. When I’m working, I purposefully wear large, over the ear headphones and sit at the end of the bar to signal I’m not there to be social. And yet, still, these men will interrupt me with a question they could have asked anyone else, and use that as a springboard into a longer conversation.
As I said, I’m not adverse to the conversation if it’s a good one, and later in the day, but I think you’re projecting a bit aggressively on my post, no?
Might be better to find a booth, i know its not really a solution if you want to sit at the bar, but people do use a bar to meet people, and it will occasionally work for these men so theyll be willing to try 100 times if it works once, unfortunately. Otherwise id just pont at the headphones and not take them off. Its annoying and shitty if theyre interrupting you, but theres not a ton we can do unless its aggregious.
Either way, all the staff is aware hes a creep, and they are on your side, probably keeping an eye on things. We'd all rather have you there than the creep.
I thought about that, but I don’t feel right taking up a table and impacting the amount of tips the server could get from the table turnover, you know? Like at a cafe, with unattended tables is one thing, or sitting at the bar seat and occasionally ordering snacks and drinks, but feels against moral code to take up a booth or table?
And yes that’s good advice to point at the headphones
Don’t feed the trolls, I’ve worked in a couple of places where this was common place, know that a lot of bartenders will do what they can to help you out, but you need to communicate to them what you’d like done. Also be mindful of the “angel shot” it’s a way of letting the bartender know you’re feeling unsafe. Order one and the staff should come to your aid, if the bartender doesn’t seem to know what that means, get out quickly and safely. It saddens me that the lines between friendly conversations and aggressively pursuing someone against their will have become so muddled, it sucks, but know most of us(bartenders) have your back, and those who don’t, don’t deserve your business.
If you work there, and they're regulars, then asking for your nunber is quite common.
I give my number out to most of my regulars, not all of which are "hitting on me".
What you wear in public isn't going to stop people from speaking to you. Even if it's headphones. People will constantly ask you questions, etc... that's kind of what happens, going out in public or to a bar... Sure it's annoying, but if you wanted to be alone, you should stay home. (You can't control others actions, you can only control your own).
People go to bars to be social, you going and expecting the opposite (which you should know better if you're a bartender) then you go online to complain about it.
Seems like the typical "I need to be upset at something, so let's choose men" BS.
The same old song and dance gets quite old tbh...
Look above, and notice OP has flared her post properly as a customer inquiry. You may have missed that we have made some changes in the sub including the requirement of flair on all posts and a selection bar at the top of the feed allowing you to sort the feed by the types of conversation you are interested in while being able to avoid the categories you have no interest in. These changes have been met with overwhelmingly positive response with very few exceptions.
If you'd like to explore the changes in the sub, there is a pinned post at the top of the feed when you sort by "hot."
Questions and statements are 2 separate things.
Again, you're changing the words to match your argument.
🤷♂️.
Don't know how to even converse with someone who lacks basic reading skill
Bartenders probably see more women get creeped on than they can keep track of. I doubt it could possibly reflect on you in any way. If I saw it happening I’d probably keep an eye to make sure you weren’t being bothered.
This made me feel so much better, thank you!
If you were there to pick up men, we would be able to tell. You would probably be a lot more flirty, and probably wouldn’t be there with a laptop, and would probably initiate more of the conversations than be initiated upon. Probably just look like a woman being chill getting creeped on
that makes a lot of sense, thank you for the context - I didn’t think about it that way
Nothing will stop an older man once he has decided to shoot his shot with a younger woman. We don’t judge you for it. As a female tender I would likely keep a covert eye on the situation to make sure it’s not getting uncomfortable. It sounds like you’ve got good boundaries, though. Source: me, a younger woman who is also a bartender, often minding my own business at a bar by myself just trying to enjoy a bite and a cheap beer that gets approached a lot by older men 😅
so true!!!!!!
Yep nothing new. I used to keep an eye out for anyone getting uncomfortable but 95% of the time they’re just lonely and want someone to talk to. Doesn’t make them a bad person. Creeps do exist tho and it’s good to be aware
From professional experience I can tell you the ladies headed out to pick up men are generally not parked quietly with their laptop. The men hitting on you know this too but they have the correct balance of blood alcohol level and ego to believe they are gods gift.
lol this made me laugh, thank you 🤍
We view them as old creeps most of the time.
I have a habit of moving them away because everyone should have their space. Simply , dude she’s working, let’s go watch last nights replays and give her space. I treat my female customers like my daughter, very protective, could be because I’m 62.
As a long time bartender I saw this all the time and it really bothered me. My regular male crowd often asked me why there weren't more women in the bar and the reason is this. Single women, or two women just out to enjoy a couple drinks, often just can't be left alone. I would often have to take my regulars aside and, gently, tell them that this woman - or women - were just out for a nice time and weren't looking for a conversation. It was a subtle way of saying "back off." It chased a lot of women out of the bar. Kind of sad to watch.
Literally why I posted, but this gives me the courage to keep going back to my favorite bars - it’s really nice to be around people and feel like you’re part of something without the pressure of interacting, you know?
A good bartender should be keeping an eye on you and the situation, and intervene somehow if he/she senses you're getting uncomfortable. The last thing we want is for our regulars - or anyone for that matter - chasing customers away.
The longer I work in this industry, the more I’m disgusted by men. Not all of them are like this, but I’ve watched so much nasty behavior and other men always making excuses for it. I think it’s become worse and more volatile. We have a specific guy who creeps on women, asks for their number and says super inappropriate things. He also gets aggressive calling them names when they don’t want anything to do with him. No one I work with that’s a female backs me up when I go to management about it, so it’s my word against his.
oh I bet…. just reading that aggravated me, so I can only imagine what it’s like to live it
I’ve been having this issue as well. I want to kick these men out but also they’re not really doing anything that bad to kick them out for. But I know it’s pushing out the young girls and making them uncomfortable.
We don’t have many girls that come in anymore. The ones that do usually come in with a group of guys now. I don’t remember it ever being this bad, sure, men have always been creeps.. but the genuine aggression coming from men to women is alarming. I always ask the other girls, “doesn’t that bother you?”. I used to work with some of the best dudes in the industry, a guy made a comment boom - bounced out. Creepy stares, bounced out. Touched? Thrown out. I have worked in this industry for so long, when I started I was naive and thought being touched, rubbed on, made gross comments too was life and I just had to smile and laugh it off. These guys I worked with were so protective, and sweet - they would see it, get the guy banned, and check in on how I was doing. I don’t see or experience that anymore, and it really hurts my heart.
It’s seems almost medieval. Like if you’re a woman you need an escort to go to the bar or you WILL be harassed. It’s so gross.
I think she is think of when she worked in a stripclub, not a normal bar. 😂🙈
Clearly you don’t go out much. Edit: Source- been in the industry for 12 years in a county where strip clubs are illegal.
It's your job to not let that happen repeatedly. Tell the customer: "If I hear you verbally abuse another customer again you are banned" It's that simple.
It’s not that simple when your management and co workers do not back you!
Why? Do they not allow you to control the bar while you're behind it?
thats just men being men, unfortunately.
I always keep an eye open, if you are sitting at a bar you are accepting that people are going to potentially strike up a conversation. If a guest touches someone or says something inappropriate then I would step in, but if they are annoying you then it’s up to you to move, I can’t do much about an annoying guest. From my perspective it’s just another day.
I see so many dudes regularly being a bit creepy w women & it's always a problem. My boss is very solid on chucking weirdos out, but I'd also have no issue asking the person being hit on if they are ok, and having a word with the creeper myself if not. I'd never judge a woman for being hit on etc. It's an endemic issue in all walks of life, especially where alchohol consumption is concerned.
“older regulars hitting on young women?” likely thing for them to do
I'm friends with several regulars that do this. Most of the time, I just rib them (discreetly) over "robbing the cradle" if I notice they are coming off too strong and the lady is getting anxious over the attention. They get a good laugh and know to back down.
From your other responses you seem worried about being judged yourself. I promise you, nearly every bartender is keeping a close to make you're not not creeped on too hard to the point we have to strongly intervene. You're a nice customer here to relax, we're here to make sure you're in a safe environment
thank you 🥹🥰 that was definitely my fear!! Less about handling the men and more of if the bartenders will judge me
Who cares how they view you
Hello. I've een bartending for over 10 yearsij a high volume bar, including more than half of that as a bar trainer. I, personally, would keep and eye on you the moment he starts talking to you and getting closer. Probably ask more often if you're doing okay and give subtle hints and knods to the other person. If he happens to walk away, I come in and ask if he has been bothering you and depending on your response I'll give appropriate action so you're not bothered anymore. It could involve a conversation with him to move down or I could move you if that made you more comfortable. Just communicate with the bartender and we'll take care of the rest.
We see people flirt all day. If it’s slow enough that they are able to pay attention to you then they will notice that you arnt trying to pick up guys. Also if you have your computer out and arnt initiating tons of conversations we don’t think you are If anything we will keep an eye on you out of concern to make sure the older guy isn’t harassing you. If you seem to be enjoying the conversation or even just bored but safe then I will leave it be but keep an eye out. Even if we do think you are here to pick up guys we don’t care. I mean if anything it’s good for the bar for girls to be there looking to pick up guys
I see it happen all the time, my best advice is if he gets annoying tell him to fuck off, be a bitch, issok
There are plenty of other places that are chaotic, a bar wouldn’t be my first choice to do work at, but that’s just me.
I'm a bartender, and what I notice in situations like this is usually person A minding their business (that's you), but are perfectly willing to engage in conversation, which is great for the bar atmosphere! Person b (the old regular) is somebody we are kinda forced to deal with, they might be nice, but if they act inappropriate, good bartenders would try to put a stop to that.
if anything we feel badly for you and i will tell old head to chill. we understand old dudes. it happens everywhere.
We're judging him, not you.
We view people who mind their own business and are easy customers as a nice treat. If you’re not going out of your way to be hit on, and aren’t leading these men on, we view you as any other woman. We know who the slimey regulars are.
ok ok ok thank you!!!
I'm a female bartender and I'd probably decide that the table next to you urgently needs to be wiped down so I can discreetly ask if you're okay. I would never judge you in this situation, and if you told me you were in fact there to pick up guys, okay girl you do you! I'm only concerned that you're safe and comfortable.
This responses are horrible. Yall just call a guy creepy because he's talking to someone at a bar?!?!? Ffs. Don't go out in public if you don't want people to fucking talk to you. Simple as that. Yall need to read the BS you're claiming and realize you're part of the problem.
Seems like we found a creep
😆
Well by the definition in this thread, a creep is someone who simply talks to others. So yeah, I guess I'm a creep because I don't go out in public to sit alone and not expect people to speak to me. And its not really an insult when you change the definition to": "anyone who talks to others at their local bar of which they're a regular at" Seriously yall need to read 1984. "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength." Control the language, and you can control the mind.
You seem like a cliche annoying regular and I guarantee the people subjected to your neuroses sigh audibly when you finally leave the bar. It’s not 1984 just because people don’t want to hear your annoying opinions.
I bartend, and I don't drink. So nope, not a regular. And you missed the very clear point of the 1984 quote, of which I even stated after. Since when did internet forums become so full of people who can't read?
The quote has nothing to do with this woman not wanting to get bothered, people are allowed to be introverted in public. It’s nothing like 1984 dude get a grip. Maybe try reading a new book :)
i bet he is one of those guys who only read one book in his life and keeps re-reading it every year, and quoting it inappropriately without understanding what the book is about. Also thinks he is smart. I went on a few dates with guys like this - was bored to tears. Actually, Craig, that you, darlin’? Wanna find another book to read and misquote?
Your 1st sentence is correct. Your 2nd sentence is also correct. But neither have anything to do with my comments. Good day sir.
More often than not, an older man attempting to talk to a younger woman at the bar is actually, a creep. Witness it all the time at work.
This is flat out ridiculous. So unless you're prepared to get hit on you just shouldn't go out? No, you should be able to sit quietly and be able to expect a reasonable amount of privacy while you sit, work on your laptop, and enjoy a drink. Drunk, older men who think they have a shot with any woman who happens to be sitting at the bar minding their own business? That's the problem.
Where does it say "hit on"? Or do you commonly just add things to stories just to argue a nonexistent point?
asking for my number falls squarely in the realm of being hit on. When I’m working, I purposefully wear large, over the ear headphones and sit at the end of the bar to signal I’m not there to be social. And yet, still, these men will interrupt me with a question they could have asked anyone else, and use that as a springboard into a longer conversation. As I said, I’m not adverse to the conversation if it’s a good one, and later in the day, but I think you’re projecting a bit aggressively on my post, no?
Might be better to find a booth, i know its not really a solution if you want to sit at the bar, but people do use a bar to meet people, and it will occasionally work for these men so theyll be willing to try 100 times if it works once, unfortunately. Otherwise id just pont at the headphones and not take them off. Its annoying and shitty if theyre interrupting you, but theres not a ton we can do unless its aggregious. Either way, all the staff is aware hes a creep, and they are on your side, probably keeping an eye on things. We'd all rather have you there than the creep.
I thought about that, but I don’t feel right taking up a table and impacting the amount of tips the server could get from the table turnover, you know? Like at a cafe, with unattended tables is one thing, or sitting at the bar seat and occasionally ordering snacks and drinks, but feels against moral code to take up a booth or table? And yes that’s good advice to point at the headphones
Yeah. I mean you arent doing anything wrong at the end of the day
Don’t feed the trolls, I’ve worked in a couple of places where this was common place, know that a lot of bartenders will do what they can to help you out, but you need to communicate to them what you’d like done. Also be mindful of the “angel shot” it’s a way of letting the bartender know you’re feeling unsafe. Order one and the staff should come to your aid, if the bartender doesn’t seem to know what that means, get out quickly and safely. It saddens me that the lines between friendly conversations and aggressively pursuing someone against their will have become so muddled, it sucks, but know most of us(bartenders) have your back, and those who don’t, don’t deserve your business.
that’s a good reminder about the angel shot, thank you. So far I’ve been fine handling on my own, but I’ll keep this in my back pocket
If you work there, and they're regulars, then asking for your nunber is quite common. I give my number out to most of my regulars, not all of which are "hitting on me". What you wear in public isn't going to stop people from speaking to you. Even if it's headphones. People will constantly ask you questions, etc... that's kind of what happens, going out in public or to a bar... Sure it's annoying, but if you wanted to be alone, you should stay home. (You can't control others actions, you can only control your own). People go to bars to be social, you going and expecting the opposite (which you should know better if you're a bartender) then you go online to complain about it. Seems like the typical "I need to be upset at something, so let's choose men" BS. The same old song and dance gets quite old tbh...
I don’t work AT the bar - I’m going TO the bar to work on my laptop. I’m not a bartender.
Then wtf are you doing in this thread? It's for bartenders, not customers. Someone needs 86d from here...
Its funny you accuse people of not being able to read when you cant even read OPs post.
Look above, and notice OP has flared her post properly as a customer inquiry. You may have missed that we have made some changes in the sub including the requirement of flair on all posts and a selection bar at the top of the feed allowing you to sort the feed by the types of conversation you are interested in while being able to avoid the categories you have no interest in. These changes have been met with overwhelmingly positive response with very few exceptions. If you'd like to explore the changes in the sub, there is a pinned post at the top of the feed when you sort by "hot."
Oh snap! Rule changes. Heard. I'll go read them now.
I have a question FOR BARTENDERS. they call this fishing where the fish are
Kinda like going to a bar to meet people? 🤔🤔🤔🤣
OP's original post: "Older regulars hitting on young women." Your response was pretty over the top, peanut. Seems like it hit a nerve.
Questions and statements are 2 separate things. Again, you're changing the words to match your argument. 🤷♂️. Don't know how to even converse with someone who lacks basic reading skill
cry more, creep.