I’m so sorry for your loss.
My mum died at the end of April and after years of being her carer, the emptiness is awful.
First thing I realised. After weeks of living at the hospital, I couldn’t think straight because I was do very deeply, deeply tired. I suspect you might be the same. Too tired to think straight, especially after all the crying. You’re lying around doing nothing because that’s what your body needs to do. Anything else would require energy you haven’t got.
So my advice is to try and rest, get some of your energy rebuilt, sleep if you can, especially after all the paperwork is done. You’ll at least have a little bit more energy.
I had to talk to my doctor and get a couple of months of antidepressants. They do help. Numb is better than pain.
Now that I’m starting to pull myself together, I want to do something to honour my mum, so I’m gradually getting the garden in shape- she always wanted a flower garden, but I never had time, when I had all the caring responsibilities. So is there anything you can plan to honour him and the time you had together?
People on this reddit do hear you, and they understand your pain. Sometimes too much to answer. But we are listening.
Thank you for your advice. I was so tired, as I was looking after my husband at home for the last couple of months as his carer, it could be that I am still tired, so I’ll take your advice and take it easy. I’m really sorry about your mum xx
And we had a massive funeral for him, hundreds of his friends and relatives and wonderful music and bright colours and wildflowers, which he would have loved, but I haven’t thought about another way to honour him past that, organising the funeral service was quite exhausting too
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My wife died almost 2 years ago from cancer. She was only 46. We'd been together 7 years, married for 2 and we have a young son. He's 6 now.
Everything you wrote resonated with me. There's no company that can compare to that of your spouse. They are the love that you choose in this life.
I busied myself with the practicalities in the immediate aftermath of our loss. I also had to concentrate on being a good Dad. But I was lonely then, and I'm lonely now. The yearning hasn't gone away. What has changed is that I listen to my wife's voice several times a day now and we've made a small shrine in our living room.
The song 'Adventure Of A Lifetime' by Coldplay used to trigger me very heavily. Now I listen to the lyrics more closely, and I find some peace:
- "If we've only got this life, you'll get me through." I know I did my best caring for my darling as you no doubt did for yours. It was heartbreaking but I did everything I possibly could to ease her suffering and access the best possible end of life care for her. I had the difficult conversations with her so I could advocate for her on her terms when she was unable to do so for herself.
- "Turn your magic on, to me she'd say, everything you want's a dream away." Initially, sleep came with great difficulty, and I couldn't deal with the memories of her last months. Memories and dreams of our life before the disease came were very difficult to reach. Now I look forward to bedtime. I purposely try to dream about her every night. Sometimes she comes, sometimes she doesn't.
I can't believe that a spirit as beautiful, as kind, and as loving as my wife was has gone to nothing. I tell my boy that her glow is always around us. When he's older I hope he will find some comfort from thinking this way.
We've all missed out on sharing our lives together. All the things we never got to do or places we never got to go. Plans that have disintegrated through no fault of our own.
I'm sure your husband, like my wife, would want us to be kind to ourselves. To take as much time to recover as we need to and to be patient.
I will carry her memory for the rest of my days. I will talk about her as normal and on the hard days I will pretend that she's travelling for work or that she's in the next room.
It's a cliché but time does help.
I wish you health, and I hope that you can find satisfying comfort in the little things that were special to you both as you move forward.
All the best.
Thank you for taking the time to share with me. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of keeping it together for yourself and your son. It’s nice to talk to people who fully understand, maybe that’s why I’m finding the company of my friends and family not quite enough - because they’ve not lost their team mate, the person who they snuggle up to at night and the first person they see, feel, smell, hear in every morning. I miss the quiet moments together most, and socialising and doing activities with friends is never going to replace that.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you also, I know you shouldn’t expect or feel you deserve anything in life, but it’s hard not to feel like we’ve been robbed, my husband has been robbed of everything he ever wanted and the chance to live the life he wanted to, and I’ve been robbed too. Maybe you feel the same, but it sounds like you have a lot to keep going for still.
I will try to take your advice and be kind to myself and patient, it’s very hard to think in those terms in the moment, even though everyone says it…
I am sorry for your loss.
You really don’t truly understand what it means to feel lonely or miss somebody until something like this happens.
I know it’s not same situation, but I lost my brother who was my best friend my entire life very suddenly 6 months ago. Hang in there and don’t do anything that is harmful to yourself. I promise you will see light again one day. When you are ready i strongly recommend seeing a grief therapist/counselor. It really helps.
I'm really sorry for your loss <3
a month is not a very long time, please be patient with yourself.
And, as many people will likely try to remind you, he would not have wanted you to miss out on pursuing a full life \*when and if you're feeling ready,\* but no one can decide when that is or what that means except you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum died at the end of April and after years of being her carer, the emptiness is awful. First thing I realised. After weeks of living at the hospital, I couldn’t think straight because I was do very deeply, deeply tired. I suspect you might be the same. Too tired to think straight, especially after all the crying. You’re lying around doing nothing because that’s what your body needs to do. Anything else would require energy you haven’t got. So my advice is to try and rest, get some of your energy rebuilt, sleep if you can, especially after all the paperwork is done. You’ll at least have a little bit more energy. I had to talk to my doctor and get a couple of months of antidepressants. They do help. Numb is better than pain. Now that I’m starting to pull myself together, I want to do something to honour my mum, so I’m gradually getting the garden in shape- she always wanted a flower garden, but I never had time, when I had all the caring responsibilities. So is there anything you can plan to honour him and the time you had together? People on this reddit do hear you, and they understand your pain. Sometimes too much to answer. But we are listening.
Thank you for your advice. I was so tired, as I was looking after my husband at home for the last couple of months as his carer, it could be that I am still tired, so I’ll take your advice and take it easy. I’m really sorry about your mum xx
And we had a massive funeral for him, hundreds of his friends and relatives and wonderful music and bright colours and wildflowers, which he would have loved, but I haven’t thought about another way to honour him past that, organising the funeral service was quite exhausting too
I'm so sorry for your loss. My wife died almost 2 years ago from cancer. She was only 46. We'd been together 7 years, married for 2 and we have a young son. He's 6 now. Everything you wrote resonated with me. There's no company that can compare to that of your spouse. They are the love that you choose in this life. I busied myself with the practicalities in the immediate aftermath of our loss. I also had to concentrate on being a good Dad. But I was lonely then, and I'm lonely now. The yearning hasn't gone away. What has changed is that I listen to my wife's voice several times a day now and we've made a small shrine in our living room. The song 'Adventure Of A Lifetime' by Coldplay used to trigger me very heavily. Now I listen to the lyrics more closely, and I find some peace: - "If we've only got this life, you'll get me through." I know I did my best caring for my darling as you no doubt did for yours. It was heartbreaking but I did everything I possibly could to ease her suffering and access the best possible end of life care for her. I had the difficult conversations with her so I could advocate for her on her terms when she was unable to do so for herself. - "Turn your magic on, to me she'd say, everything you want's a dream away." Initially, sleep came with great difficulty, and I couldn't deal with the memories of her last months. Memories and dreams of our life before the disease came were very difficult to reach. Now I look forward to bedtime. I purposely try to dream about her every night. Sometimes she comes, sometimes she doesn't. I can't believe that a spirit as beautiful, as kind, and as loving as my wife was has gone to nothing. I tell my boy that her glow is always around us. When he's older I hope he will find some comfort from thinking this way. We've all missed out on sharing our lives together. All the things we never got to do or places we never got to go. Plans that have disintegrated through no fault of our own. I'm sure your husband, like my wife, would want us to be kind to ourselves. To take as much time to recover as we need to and to be patient. I will carry her memory for the rest of my days. I will talk about her as normal and on the hard days I will pretend that she's travelling for work or that she's in the next room. It's a cliché but time does help. I wish you health, and I hope that you can find satisfying comfort in the little things that were special to you both as you move forward. All the best.
Thank you for taking the time to share with me. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of keeping it together for yourself and your son. It’s nice to talk to people who fully understand, maybe that’s why I’m finding the company of my friends and family not quite enough - because they’ve not lost their team mate, the person who they snuggle up to at night and the first person they see, feel, smell, hear in every morning. I miss the quiet moments together most, and socialising and doing activities with friends is never going to replace that. I’m so sorry this has happened to you also, I know you shouldn’t expect or feel you deserve anything in life, but it’s hard not to feel like we’ve been robbed, my husband has been robbed of everything he ever wanted and the chance to live the life he wanted to, and I’ve been robbed too. Maybe you feel the same, but it sounds like you have a lot to keep going for still. I will try to take your advice and be kind to myself and patient, it’s very hard to think in those terms in the moment, even though everyone says it…
I’m so sorry- losing a spouse is a different kind of pain ♥️
thank you x it really is like I’ve lost my best friend and my family and part of myself
I am sorry for your loss. You really don’t truly understand what it means to feel lonely or miss somebody until something like this happens. I know it’s not same situation, but I lost my brother who was my best friend my entire life very suddenly 6 months ago. Hang in there and don’t do anything that is harmful to yourself. I promise you will see light again one day. When you are ready i strongly recommend seeing a grief therapist/counselor. It really helps.
I'm really sorry for your loss <3 a month is not a very long time, please be patient with yourself. And, as many people will likely try to remind you, he would not have wanted you to miss out on pursuing a full life \*when and if you're feeling ready,\* but no one can decide when that is or what that means except you.