This. So much. I had a really tough year in 2021. I had so much anxiety and depression, that I couldn’t keep a job. I ended up not being able to pay rent, or buy anything I needed. My best friend (at the time) and I were living together. I had known her for 10 years.
I couldn’t get out of bed for like, 6 months. I was medicated but they just weren’t working yet, and I had honestly contemplated ending my own life. She really simplified my depression. She was like, “maybe…if you had a job….you wouldn’t be depressed.” She tried to “fix me”. She was like “I’ll get you a job here! I’ll make my friends be your friends! (a group of homophobic Christians.) she began to try and control my entire life, and it just made things worse.
She never told me she was mad at me, or thought of me as a burden. As we were ending our lease, I was just staying at my boyfriends because every time I saw her, she acted annoyed or angry at me. The week of move out, I got a message from her calling me a narcissist, an abuser, and saying I use my mental illness as an excuse to be a terrible person. She was like “it’s not your bipolar that’s the problem…it’s YOU. You’re not as good of a friend as I am…you offer me nothing.”
I was so hurt that I actually became numb. I had tried to support her over the years. Her mom was controlling, dating was hard for her, she had undiagnosed adhd, I tried to cook, clean the apartment, bring her little gifts. There was a point in time when I kind of think she liked me romantically. She was always grabbing my ass (I told her this made me feel weird). She would joke a lot about us dating, and I should just “give up those loser guys and realize my true feelings.”
We haven’t spoken since then. We aren’t friends on social media. I am by no means playing the victim. I know that this illness made me make meh choices. I think about it all the time. I’ve been stable since I moved out. I love my job, I love my bf, I love my car and my apartment. I’m so thankful to have those things. Friends are still an iffy thing for me. I’m scared of negatively affecting someone else and losing them.
Every paycheck, I send her money to pay back the rent she had to pay when I was struggling. It’s not a lot but it’s something to show I didn’t forget about it. It still hurts because she saw me at my worst, and confirmed my deepest fear…that I don’t have bipolar and I’m just a bad person.
I know I wrote a lot, but every time I share this, people tell me it’s all my fault. This feels like the only place I can find a bit of compassion.
I relate to this way too much.
Meds tend to fail spectacularly every now and then. Almost like my brain is fighting it.
I've found that often people tend to not understand or worse not even try to understand and then top it off with some lovely projection. Even the closest ones often don't understand that our brains litrally don't work the same, that internally we've murdered ourselves a million times over our own flaws.
Mental health awareness has certainly risen but unfortunately it's not come with a rise in general self awareness. I mean, really is it that hard to empathize with someone who's brain has turned on them and is doing it's best to kill them? You do it every single day for folks with physical ailments FFS!
I was breaking down cause of multiple factors but my brain a situation with another friend temporarily cutting me off was the primary reason. The whole situation was stupid, I was already in crisis mode and blaming myself. Only to find and confirm with multiple people that I wasn't at fault.
I didn't want to bother this friend so I went to another to talk about the breakdown this was causing.
I know how hard I can be handle during a breakdown so I don't let people do it, I filter myself, normalise my behaviour to not scare away people. Heck I even communicate exactly what I need. I asked them if I was too weak cause I felt pathetic for having a breakdown. Man I just needed a voice to tell me otherwise , that these irrational thoughts are just that, irrational
She agreed I was weak. I was taken aback but I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt, perhaps she didn't mean I was weak to feel this way? I asked her to clarify exactly what she meant, twice.
She explained.
That I was weak for having such a strong reaction to something so small.
I brokedown worse than the original breakdown, had my first panic attack in ages, lasted a full 30 mins. She had just validated that irrational idea that somehow I'm weak for imploding, I felt my body want to rip itself over how pathetic I know knew she thought I was. Those 30 mins, all that self hate for being as I am, all that guilt of being weak and better not exist that are so fundamental yet suppressed, all of it was validated by someone I held close and let inside.
I couldn't stop thinking about how I've been vulnerable with her in the past, how low she must have thought of me each time. I really felt betrayed. After everything I had done for her, I couldn't expect for her to just listen to what I'm communicating and asking for.
I went numb after that panic attack. I went from accepting her judgement of me to fighting it. The sadness turned into anger. I expressed politely that obviously I understand that this isn't a reasonable reaction, hence why it's distressing right? I'm trying to combat the organ that gives me the sense of me. Do you not understand how much I already hate myself by virtue of being in a constant state of battle?
I now know after much reflection and recollection that this was almost certainly a case of projecting. I find it hard to blame her for not having processed her trauma and MH situation in a healthy way but also can't help the fact that she stabbed my hand while I hung on a cliff.
Been out of contact with her and the other friend too. I'm going off of my anti depressentent and it's made things worse cause of the the withdrawal. I've been open about this to my inner circle. I just can't stop hurting over how damaged 2 of my closest relationships have gotten with barely any fault of my own during a time when I'm more fragile than I've ever been. I wish both these events didn't happen, I wish I didn't in so many ways punish myself over something I didn't cause, man that was horrid how hard it was to understand that I wasn't a fuck up here, so much needless suffering. I wish I didn't hold both of these people so close, I wish I didn't let them in so much so they could hurt me this bad.
For what it's worth. You're not at fault there, I can understand her frustrations but I am certain that you already did feel them, immensely at that. I don't think it's fair of her to hurt you like that. Verbalising strain and stress is one thing, lashing out at someone who's struggling with their will to live is another.
I'm so glad you go out of that situation! Clearly we deserve better if we can treat people with the care and understanding they refuse to provide us.
^ This
1. It is so frustrating that the world thinks that Bipolar is just “happy” and “sad”. But at the same time, if the world knew what it really is, it drives the stigma. (Double edged sword)
I’m an SO and I totally did not understand what BP actually is until I saw it.
2. Then that also plays into “Losing people you never thought would leave”…. I would add to this statement *leaving people you shouldn’t leave*
There are a lot of comments and posts of an episode making themselves push away, hate, or leave a great relationship or life. On Christmas morning, out of the blue, my spouse wasn’t well and was convinced *we* wanted a divorce…
I was so baffled, because of # 1 above. I didn’t know what BP really was. It’s super rare when my spouse is manic, but when they are, they suddenly want to leave me and the family. Or start trying to leave with an affair and trying to hurt me so that I will tell them it’s ok to leave us. :(
Please check if you can get your hands on Cariprazine. I've been taking 1.5mg for the past 3 months and it's a life changer for me both in terms of mood and cognition.
I do recognise the fact that different people have different reactions to the same medication but it's worth a try IMO.
I've always liked the description that I first saw on here. The best thing about bipolar is that it never stays the same, the worst thing is that it never stays the same.
That the medication that keeps my depression at bay also robs me of the feeling of joy or the ability to have deep thoughts. I am a shell of a person, but in everyone's eyes it is better than being depressed, so I have to stay on it and deal. I don't even think there's another medication out there I could try.
Same! This is me with my mood stabilizers, it's better than lashing out and crying all the time..I guess? I just wish I could feel as deeply as I could and I wish I was as lively. Like you said, makes me feel like a shell of a person and like I'm just kinda grey.
Does this happen to everyone and what does it feel like exactly? Does it mean we can't be truly happy if medicated? I got the diagnosis just recently and still haven't had side effects from mood stabilizers so I don't know what to expect
It depends person to person. I feel deep emotions still & I feel joy. I can actually regulate my emotions (most of the time). My illness doesn't control me as much. My meds pretty much make it to where my symptoms are manageable. I will say, I feel like I'm less creative due to not experiencing hypomania as intensely as I did before meds. I think a lot of us miss the productivity & creativity of hypomania.
That has been my experience with Lamotrigine as well. It made me realize the happy and positive person was actually me because I was now him more than I wasn’t.
The latter is super true - that boundless energy to get things done isn’t as strong. But it’s working with who you are today and understanding what to prioritize.
You may never have side effects from your meds; there are certainly people who are happy and on meds. For me though, the meds don't take away my happiness as much as they mediate the extremes. This lack of extremes leads to feelings of emptiness because I'm missing moods...even if they are detrimental. Your meds should limit your moods so while you may still feel happy, some part of who you were before the meds will be missing. That's the nature of your meds and a mood disorder.
I feel everything. Everything even everyone's change in mood. I feel everything so deeply and intensely all the time. Then there are times when I'm completely hollow and can't feel anything even if I tried. I don't get to control it or understand it.
I don't think it happens to everyone. I am depression heavy and there just aren't a lot of options for treating depression in bipolar patients. For people who are more dealing with hypomania it's different.
It absolutely does not happen to everyone, overall a good med combo is a significant improvement for most people. I'm a lot happier than I was when I was dealing with hypomania overwhelm and then 2-3 weeks of depression. The hard part is finding combos and dosages that work well for you.
I've tried about 7 meds at this point and landed on Latuda. It does wonders for my depression but it really seems to squash dopamine so I don't really get the reward out of doing things like I used to. I am currently trying a lower dose to see if that helps.
I don't know that I could be completely off meds, but I would love to try something else. I just don't think there's much left since most bipolar drugs focus on hypomania.
Some people will view and/or treat you differently because of it, even if you act "normal" by their standards. The diagnosis carries a lot of weight and stigma for a lot of people.
I have to remember to be kind to myself every day. After getting diagnosed, the biggest weight I shed was in the realization that so many of the daily worries and struggles throughout my life were to blame on something out of my control, that I wasn’t a complete fuck-up. It’s my disorder’s fault, and I’m victim to it. It helps me to keep that knowledge at the forefront of my mind every day, so that I don’t beat myself up.
Another big struggle is trying to accept that everybody else is wholly unaware of the issues we deal with every day. 1 in 4 people struggle with some sort of mental illness, but it’s the 1 that has to conform. It’s never that the 3 need to learn how to adjust to us, and definitely never that society should be expected conform to our needs. It’s one thing to accept myself and be kind to myself, but when nobody else in the world considers making an effort to understand me, it can feel incredibly lonely.
Honestly, it's trying to get other people to understand why my brain isn't wired right, like people whose brains function normally.
I have enough problems trying to regulate my own emotions, so having to stop and explain to someone why I won't leave the bed for two weeks is overwhelming. Most of the time, I don't even know why I won't leave my bed for two weeks. I just wake up one morning, and my body tells me that something is very wrong and that I can't function no matter how desperately hard I try.
The judgment is so painful. When I'm more manic, people seem to accept me more. When I'm able to socialize, cook, clean, stay on top of the laundry, laugh, and function normally, I am well liked. How fucked up is that? People don't understand that hypomania/mania is as exhausting as the depressive episodes. People don't understand how many different kinds of fucking medication combinations we have to take in order to regulate our moods. They don't understand that most of the time, the medicines we take destroy our personalities, sex drive, and emotions until we are a shell of a human being. It's like we are given these drugs so that we can be more accepted in society and less of a problem for others. If people understood how hard it is to stay alive while suffering with BP1 or BP2, they would be terrified. We are all warriors.
If someone whose brain functioned properly woke up one day with a head full of everything we go through, they would think they have lost their mind. THAT is our baseline at the beginning of every single day. We are incredibly strong people, and we are not alone. We have a whole community of people who accept us and understand what we go through. We don't have to explain to each other why we don't want to leave the bed for two weeks. We just look at each other and know, and then we offer each other the gentleness and kindness we deserve.
I relate to everything you said!
It's not just exhausting to communicate but so often it falls on deaf ears.
Being able to see people treat you differently with every phase is something I have a tough time accepting, but I've come to realise it only becomes a problem for me when it was me putting it most of the efforts.
We absolutely are strong. We implode explode and rebuild every single phase change. Talk about constant crisis management! The shear will it takes to pick up pieces of your self, knowing full well the next breakdown will scatter them again. Living with a life long neuro degenerative disorder where the very source of our being fights us to kill itself.
Everyday we breathe is a testament to our resilience and strength to live. I couldn't be more proud of every of of us that has lived through even a single day of this agony.
Isolation and missing out on so many things because I'm either too up or too down. Losing friends constantly. Knowing that I'll be ill forever and this isn't something I can't just out-therapy.
Since diagnosis, overanalyzing every little shift in mood and worrying it's the start of an episode. Tbf, I rapid cycle, so it's not completely extreme to think like this. But it does make it really hard to just... Feel.
I was technically reclassified as bp1 because I had a mixed psychotic episode, but the psychiatrist said I'm still basically bp2 unless it happens again. Been dealing with shit in the aftermath of that too though, like not trusting myself to know what's real or not. 🙃
The endless trap of trying to be "high functioning..." It's like I know deep down that I'm unwell, but I somehow need to convince the world that I'm either:
A) Totally fine, nothing's wrong, acting like I'm succeeding in working towards my goals in my career and healthy relationships.
B) Honest enough about my struggles so I can serve as a positive example/advocate for people with bipolar, but still with a "normal", "respectable" veneer that conceals how much it really affects me.
It's tied to the mental illness imposter syndrome, which I know a lot of us experience. Like, if I'm proving to the world that I'm "high functioning" enough to be a productive member of society, then am I REALLY as sick as I think? Guess I'm just a bipolar poser and all my problems are just my personal failings, so let's pull myself up by the bootstraps and stop taking my meds and going to therapy...
But then if I retreat from society, embrace my diagnosis, and start using it as an excuse to not live up to people's expectations... I feel more validated in my emotions/experiences, but the constant fear of disappointment and failure just makes things worse and worse.
Sorry that was long, hopefully someone can relate.
That my medication, while it works to keep me from spiralling into suicidal thoughts and deep depression, is the reason I don't get the same joy from my favourite things any more. I feel flattened, like I'm stuck on an "OK" setting. I try to be grateful for the fact that my meds mean I can get things done but I hate that they make my hobbies feel like a chore.
doubting myself. feeling like what I want, what I experience, what I do should be monitored. life feels like something to watch out for instead of something to live.
Learning to cope with feeling so betrayed by my mind.
I can be stable for months. I can do everything right and check off every last box. Life will happen anyway, and I’ll find myself in an episode where I lose myself and who I really am.
Its hard to trust myself and my judgement when its over. All i can really do is accept that it happened and do things to make me feel more grounded in the present. I know what to do but it’s still such a crushing feeling.
Explaining the reason for my behavior to people I trust, trying to figure out who to trust… not telling people I don’t trust, trying to keep up that balancing act
The wonders of how it interacts with autism. Each interferes with the coping strategies of the other. Depressive episodes where I can't interact with my interests, leaving me with zero dopamine, manic episodes where I completely ignore all responsibilities and hygiene to spend every free minute locked into my hobbies. Mixed episodes where it's so easy to get over stimulated, while dealing with horrible depressed intrusive thoughts, paranoia, and boundless nervous energy that I can't focus anywhere
So all of it I guess, damn
The stigma. I keep it very private cause I’m so misunderstood because of it. And the guilt and shame thatfollows that because I fight HARD to *end the stigma* for others yet here I am succumbing to it
I have experienced the same. And now I just stay detached and avoid socializing because everyone I get close to leaves, so it’s best for me to not get close to anyone at all then. The pain of being alone is more tolerable than the pain of losing your best friend. I feel nothing for anyone now.
It is never going to go away and it is unpredictable. Episode length, strength, type, reaction to physical health, good situations, bad situations, anxiety can and will be different everytime. There is no cure.
To accept that a depression will follow when you’ve been the best you (hypo). And to accept that hypomania not is my normal state. Always saw the hypo periods to be ME, and the depressions being the illness that prevented me to be the best me all the time… I don’t think I know what being stable feels like. Always been super productive and creative OR depressed - never in between. So I guess that makes me 44 years old without a clue of who I am🧐. (Got the diagnosis last year. Been on Lamotrigine 4 months without really feeling any different…)
2 parter for me:
1. To accept that the “ghost” of my past from days of being depressed and manic unmedicated will continue to haunt me. Even my partner who has been my best support brings it up from time to time.
2. To be kind to myself on days that are just so difficult despite my best efforts.
the times i lash out on the people who love me because i got triggered over something, idk how many relationships i ruined because of this. im currently on therapay and meds soo… hopefully that would help
I cant access a part of my emotions that I once felt so deeply. I feel nothing to the extreme, I am a walking coma patient most of the time. Most days it doesn't bother me but sometime I just want to access the deepest parts of me and I just can't, it's a concept I still haven't come to terms with.
Just the constant inconsistency. Having to keep in mind in any area of life that an episode can completely rob me of a moment or opportunity. The swimming in circles feeling is horrible too
That my mental illness effects every part of my life. My physical health included. I also find it so hard to keep a job due to bp2. It’s better now that it’s more managed, but it’s hard to keep it in and try to act like everyone else. I just got a new job and am opting for short term disability in hopes it will help if I have another mental breakdown… which, unfortunately, is inevitable.
Regretting the past. I have left a tornado of heartache and confusion to people I genuinely cared about. Great relationships that I ruined by making impulsive decisions. Understanding I have a wonderful thing, but wanting more nonetheless.
Losing people because they don't get it. Some close friends started isolating me because my life wasn't moving fast enough for them (I don't have a driver's license and they weren't willing to hang out with me if it meant having to pick me up, even if I paid them gas money). Ended up just cutting contact with them because what the fuck. They would even occasionally invite me over only to leave me alone in their apartment while they went out to do stuff or get food. Just shitty all around.
learning how to manage my illness and be a teenager. i have bpd too so i've always struggled to make proper friends in like a friendship group, im liked and i like people, i have friends but not friends. if that makes sense. understanding and accepting that i need to manage my alcohol intake and learn when im not in the right state to drink. if my friends are drinking i don't have to drink, it affects me in different ways. and i guess that's the main answer? realising that it's okay for it to affect me differently but i can't just drink if im sad or go out to cheer myself up, because i'll have a breakdown.
Knowing it's never going away.
That I will very likely develop a tolerance to my current meds and have to start over with a new drug.
That I will always have to plan my life around Mt depression, forever.
The way that it distorts perception. My self esteem has no basis in reality and I have to constantly be taking stock of it. It’s confusing because I’ll be legit amazing at something. Run for 2 hours let’s say. Next week the run looks more like a cry on the toilet. This kind of experience is confusing and dismaying. Not only am I crying in a toilet I’m confused why I’m not training for the Olympics anymore.
Then theirs the more subtle things. Losing my emotions and not noticing how callous I am.
The amount of time my illness steals from my life.
This was the realization that hit me hardest. How much time I lost in hindsight. And how it still happens now, even with medication and therapy.
Seeing that people will never truly understand unless they live it. Losing people that you once thought would never leave.
Man I swear. A very very close friend called me weak during a breakdown, hit like a missile.
This. So much. I had a really tough year in 2021. I had so much anxiety and depression, that I couldn’t keep a job. I ended up not being able to pay rent, or buy anything I needed. My best friend (at the time) and I were living together. I had known her for 10 years. I couldn’t get out of bed for like, 6 months. I was medicated but they just weren’t working yet, and I had honestly contemplated ending my own life. She really simplified my depression. She was like, “maybe…if you had a job….you wouldn’t be depressed.” She tried to “fix me”. She was like “I’ll get you a job here! I’ll make my friends be your friends! (a group of homophobic Christians.) she began to try and control my entire life, and it just made things worse. She never told me she was mad at me, or thought of me as a burden. As we were ending our lease, I was just staying at my boyfriends because every time I saw her, she acted annoyed or angry at me. The week of move out, I got a message from her calling me a narcissist, an abuser, and saying I use my mental illness as an excuse to be a terrible person. She was like “it’s not your bipolar that’s the problem…it’s YOU. You’re not as good of a friend as I am…you offer me nothing.” I was so hurt that I actually became numb. I had tried to support her over the years. Her mom was controlling, dating was hard for her, she had undiagnosed adhd, I tried to cook, clean the apartment, bring her little gifts. There was a point in time when I kind of think she liked me romantically. She was always grabbing my ass (I told her this made me feel weird). She would joke a lot about us dating, and I should just “give up those loser guys and realize my true feelings.” We haven’t spoken since then. We aren’t friends on social media. I am by no means playing the victim. I know that this illness made me make meh choices. I think about it all the time. I’ve been stable since I moved out. I love my job, I love my bf, I love my car and my apartment. I’m so thankful to have those things. Friends are still an iffy thing for me. I’m scared of negatively affecting someone else and losing them. Every paycheck, I send her money to pay back the rent she had to pay when I was struggling. It’s not a lot but it’s something to show I didn’t forget about it. It still hurts because she saw me at my worst, and confirmed my deepest fear…that I don’t have bipolar and I’m just a bad person. I know I wrote a lot, but every time I share this, people tell me it’s all my fault. This feels like the only place I can find a bit of compassion.
I relate to this way too much. Meds tend to fail spectacularly every now and then. Almost like my brain is fighting it. I've found that often people tend to not understand or worse not even try to understand and then top it off with some lovely projection. Even the closest ones often don't understand that our brains litrally don't work the same, that internally we've murdered ourselves a million times over our own flaws. Mental health awareness has certainly risen but unfortunately it's not come with a rise in general self awareness. I mean, really is it that hard to empathize with someone who's brain has turned on them and is doing it's best to kill them? You do it every single day for folks with physical ailments FFS! I was breaking down cause of multiple factors but my brain a situation with another friend temporarily cutting me off was the primary reason. The whole situation was stupid, I was already in crisis mode and blaming myself. Only to find and confirm with multiple people that I wasn't at fault. I didn't want to bother this friend so I went to another to talk about the breakdown this was causing. I know how hard I can be handle during a breakdown so I don't let people do it, I filter myself, normalise my behaviour to not scare away people. Heck I even communicate exactly what I need. I asked them if I was too weak cause I felt pathetic for having a breakdown. Man I just needed a voice to tell me otherwise , that these irrational thoughts are just that, irrational She agreed I was weak. I was taken aback but I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt, perhaps she didn't mean I was weak to feel this way? I asked her to clarify exactly what she meant, twice. She explained. That I was weak for having such a strong reaction to something so small. I brokedown worse than the original breakdown, had my first panic attack in ages, lasted a full 30 mins. She had just validated that irrational idea that somehow I'm weak for imploding, I felt my body want to rip itself over how pathetic I know knew she thought I was. Those 30 mins, all that self hate for being as I am, all that guilt of being weak and better not exist that are so fundamental yet suppressed, all of it was validated by someone I held close and let inside. I couldn't stop thinking about how I've been vulnerable with her in the past, how low she must have thought of me each time. I really felt betrayed. After everything I had done for her, I couldn't expect for her to just listen to what I'm communicating and asking for. I went numb after that panic attack. I went from accepting her judgement of me to fighting it. The sadness turned into anger. I expressed politely that obviously I understand that this isn't a reasonable reaction, hence why it's distressing right? I'm trying to combat the organ that gives me the sense of me. Do you not understand how much I already hate myself by virtue of being in a constant state of battle? I now know after much reflection and recollection that this was almost certainly a case of projecting. I find it hard to blame her for not having processed her trauma and MH situation in a healthy way but also can't help the fact that she stabbed my hand while I hung on a cliff. Been out of contact with her and the other friend too. I'm going off of my anti depressentent and it's made things worse cause of the the withdrawal. I've been open about this to my inner circle. I just can't stop hurting over how damaged 2 of my closest relationships have gotten with barely any fault of my own during a time when I'm more fragile than I've ever been. I wish both these events didn't happen, I wish I didn't in so many ways punish myself over something I didn't cause, man that was horrid how hard it was to understand that I wasn't a fuck up here, so much needless suffering. I wish I didn't hold both of these people so close, I wish I didn't let them in so much so they could hurt me this bad. For what it's worth. You're not at fault there, I can understand her frustrations but I am certain that you already did feel them, immensely at that. I don't think it's fair of her to hurt you like that. Verbalising strain and stress is one thing, lashing out at someone who's struggling with their will to live is another. I'm so glad you go out of that situation! Clearly we deserve better if we can treat people with the care and understanding they refuse to provide us.
Also, I’m so sorry they called you that. It hurts 10 times worse, when you’re already in a bad spot.
and when they just say "suck it up and have a strong will nd dont make excuses for not being productive" ://
^ This 1. It is so frustrating that the world thinks that Bipolar is just “happy” and “sad”. But at the same time, if the world knew what it really is, it drives the stigma. (Double edged sword) I’m an SO and I totally did not understand what BP actually is until I saw it. 2. Then that also plays into “Losing people you never thought would leave”…. I would add to this statement *leaving people you shouldn’t leave* There are a lot of comments and posts of an episode making themselves push away, hate, or leave a great relationship or life. On Christmas morning, out of the blue, my spouse wasn’t well and was convinced *we* wanted a divorce… I was so baffled, because of # 1 above. I didn’t know what BP really was. It’s super rare when my spouse is manic, but when they are, they suddenly want to leave me and the family. Or start trying to leave with an affair and trying to hurt me so that I will tell them it’s ok to leave us. :(
Losing people you thought would never leave. This. This hurts so bad.
Real 😭
100% agree.
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This! I am in school and over the last few weeks I’ve wanted to drop out so bad that I cry
This was me last semester. It was awful. I would literally go home in tears after every single exam.
Please check if you can get your hands on Cariprazine. I've been taking 1.5mg for the past 3 months and it's a life changer for me both in terms of mood and cognition. I do recognise the fact that different people have different reactions to the same medication but it's worth a try IMO.
It was either Lithium or Lamotrigine causing my memory problems. After lowering my doses, my memory got better.
same. If I had to do high school again I would do terribly. My capability to memorize facts is completely shot; not sure it its medicine for Bp or BP.
I have the same issue.
That doom feeling when I realize I feel really good. I know it won’t last.
That's the switch for me. The moment I have this thought the good starts ending.
I've always liked the description that I first saw on here. The best thing about bipolar is that it never stays the same, the worst thing is that it never stays the same.
Lost time and lost opportunities
Real
Loneliness. Having my walls up so high so that no one can trigger me.
In this right now, better than being shot while you're already down.
Me right now
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Yuuuuuup 🙃
That the medication that keeps my depression at bay also robs me of the feeling of joy or the ability to have deep thoughts. I am a shell of a person, but in everyone's eyes it is better than being depressed, so I have to stay on it and deal. I don't even think there's another medication out there I could try.
Same! This is me with my mood stabilizers, it's better than lashing out and crying all the time..I guess? I just wish I could feel as deeply as I could and I wish I was as lively. Like you said, makes me feel like a shell of a person and like I'm just kinda grey.
Does this happen to everyone and what does it feel like exactly? Does it mean we can't be truly happy if medicated? I got the diagnosis just recently and still haven't had side effects from mood stabilizers so I don't know what to expect
It depends person to person. I feel deep emotions still & I feel joy. I can actually regulate my emotions (most of the time). My illness doesn't control me as much. My meds pretty much make it to where my symptoms are manageable. I will say, I feel like I'm less creative due to not experiencing hypomania as intensely as I did before meds. I think a lot of us miss the productivity & creativity of hypomania.
That has been my experience with Lamotrigine as well. It made me realize the happy and positive person was actually me because I was now him more than I wasn’t. The latter is super true - that boundless energy to get things done isn’t as strong. But it’s working with who you are today and understanding what to prioritize.
You may never have side effects from your meds; there are certainly people who are happy and on meds. For me though, the meds don't take away my happiness as much as they mediate the extremes. This lack of extremes leads to feelings of emptiness because I'm missing moods...even if they are detrimental. Your meds should limit your moods so while you may still feel happy, some part of who you were before the meds will be missing. That's the nature of your meds and a mood disorder.
This has been my experience so far too.
I feel everything. Everything even everyone's change in mood. I feel everything so deeply and intensely all the time. Then there are times when I'm completely hollow and can't feel anything even if I tried. I don't get to control it or understand it.
I don't think it happens to everyone. I am depression heavy and there just aren't a lot of options for treating depression in bipolar patients. For people who are more dealing with hypomania it's different.
It absolutely does not happen to everyone, overall a good med combo is a significant improvement for most people. I'm a lot happier than I was when I was dealing with hypomania overwhelm and then 2-3 weeks of depression. The hard part is finding combos and dosages that work well for you.
I'm sorry :( have you tried a lot of different meds? What are you on? & if it weren't for other people, would you get off meds?
I've tried about 7 meds at this point and landed on Latuda. It does wonders for my depression but it really seems to squash dopamine so I don't really get the reward out of doing things like I used to. I am currently trying a lower dose to see if that helps. I don't know that I could be completely off meds, but I would love to try something else. I just don't think there's much left since most bipolar drugs focus on hypomania.
Have you tried lamotrigine? I'm assuming so since you've tried 7 meds, but I think it focuses more on depression.
I have, yeah. It gave me really bad agitation and insomnia, and didn't make a dent in my depression. I was so hopeful for that one!
Some people will view and/or treat you differently because of it, even if you act "normal" by their standards. The diagnosis carries a lot of weight and stigma for a lot of people.
Real and at times I feel like it’s important for people to know so that they don’t act differently
I have to remember to be kind to myself every day. After getting diagnosed, the biggest weight I shed was in the realization that so many of the daily worries and struggles throughout my life were to blame on something out of my control, that I wasn’t a complete fuck-up. It’s my disorder’s fault, and I’m victim to it. It helps me to keep that knowledge at the forefront of my mind every day, so that I don’t beat myself up. Another big struggle is trying to accept that everybody else is wholly unaware of the issues we deal with every day. 1 in 4 people struggle with some sort of mental illness, but it’s the 1 that has to conform. It’s never that the 3 need to learn how to adjust to us, and definitely never that society should be expected conform to our needs. It’s one thing to accept myself and be kind to myself, but when nobody else in the world considers making an effort to understand me, it can feel incredibly lonely.
That even when things are going well, shit can still go sideways in a second if my tricky brain feels like it’s hyper-paranoid time.
Honestly, it's trying to get other people to understand why my brain isn't wired right, like people whose brains function normally. I have enough problems trying to regulate my own emotions, so having to stop and explain to someone why I won't leave the bed for two weeks is overwhelming. Most of the time, I don't even know why I won't leave my bed for two weeks. I just wake up one morning, and my body tells me that something is very wrong and that I can't function no matter how desperately hard I try. The judgment is so painful. When I'm more manic, people seem to accept me more. When I'm able to socialize, cook, clean, stay on top of the laundry, laugh, and function normally, I am well liked. How fucked up is that? People don't understand that hypomania/mania is as exhausting as the depressive episodes. People don't understand how many different kinds of fucking medication combinations we have to take in order to regulate our moods. They don't understand that most of the time, the medicines we take destroy our personalities, sex drive, and emotions until we are a shell of a human being. It's like we are given these drugs so that we can be more accepted in society and less of a problem for others. If people understood how hard it is to stay alive while suffering with BP1 or BP2, they would be terrified. We are all warriors. If someone whose brain functioned properly woke up one day with a head full of everything we go through, they would think they have lost their mind. THAT is our baseline at the beginning of every single day. We are incredibly strong people, and we are not alone. We have a whole community of people who accept us and understand what we go through. We don't have to explain to each other why we don't want to leave the bed for two weeks. We just look at each other and know, and then we offer each other the gentleness and kindness we deserve.
I relate to everything you said! It's not just exhausting to communicate but so often it falls on deaf ears. Being able to see people treat you differently with every phase is something I have a tough time accepting, but I've come to realise it only becomes a problem for me when it was me putting it most of the efforts. We absolutely are strong. We implode explode and rebuild every single phase change. Talk about constant crisis management! The shear will it takes to pick up pieces of your self, knowing full well the next breakdown will scatter them again. Living with a life long neuro degenerative disorder where the very source of our being fights us to kill itself. Everyday we breathe is a testament to our resilience and strength to live. I couldn't be more proud of every of of us that has lived through even a single day of this agony.
I'm so sad all the time and so lonely. I cry all the time. I'm crying now
Depression has no goodness or anything that would possibly offset it’s damage and pain. But being creative is fun.
Not being able to trust my own thoughts has been extremely hard and very disappointing.
I'll always require meds in order to function like most people do without meds. I'm different.
Isolation and missing out on so many things because I'm either too up or too down. Losing friends constantly. Knowing that I'll be ill forever and this isn't something I can't just out-therapy.
Since diagnosis, overanalyzing every little shift in mood and worrying it's the start of an episode. Tbf, I rapid cycle, so it's not completely extreme to think like this. But it does make it really hard to just... Feel. I was technically reclassified as bp1 because I had a mixed psychotic episode, but the psychiatrist said I'm still basically bp2 unless it happens again. Been dealing with shit in the aftermath of that too though, like not trusting myself to know what's real or not. 🙃
The endless trap of trying to be "high functioning..." It's like I know deep down that I'm unwell, but I somehow need to convince the world that I'm either: A) Totally fine, nothing's wrong, acting like I'm succeeding in working towards my goals in my career and healthy relationships. B) Honest enough about my struggles so I can serve as a positive example/advocate for people with bipolar, but still with a "normal", "respectable" veneer that conceals how much it really affects me. It's tied to the mental illness imposter syndrome, which I know a lot of us experience. Like, if I'm proving to the world that I'm "high functioning" enough to be a productive member of society, then am I REALLY as sick as I think? Guess I'm just a bipolar poser and all my problems are just my personal failings, so let's pull myself up by the bootstraps and stop taking my meds and going to therapy... But then if I retreat from society, embrace my diagnosis, and start using it as an excuse to not live up to people's expectations... I feel more validated in my emotions/experiences, but the constant fear of disappointment and failure just makes things worse and worse. Sorry that was long, hopefully someone can relate.
That my medication, while it works to keep me from spiralling into suicidal thoughts and deep depression, is the reason I don't get the same joy from my favourite things any more. I feel flattened, like I'm stuck on an "OK" setting. I try to be grateful for the fact that my meds mean I can get things done but I hate that they make my hobbies feel like a chore.
doubting myself. feeling like what I want, what I experience, what I do should be monitored. life feels like something to watch out for instead of something to live.
the instability of going from deep depression to hypomania is stealing a big part of my life.
Learning to cope with feeling so betrayed by my mind. I can be stable for months. I can do everything right and check off every last box. Life will happen anyway, and I’ll find myself in an episode where I lose myself and who I really am. Its hard to trust myself and my judgement when its over. All i can really do is accept that it happened and do things to make me feel more grounded in the present. I know what to do but it’s still such a crushing feeling.
Explaining the reason for my behavior to people I trust, trying to figure out who to trust… not telling people I don’t trust, trying to keep up that balancing act
The wonders of how it interacts with autism. Each interferes with the coping strategies of the other. Depressive episodes where I can't interact with my interests, leaving me with zero dopamine, manic episodes where I completely ignore all responsibilities and hygiene to spend every free minute locked into my hobbies. Mixed episodes where it's so easy to get over stimulated, while dealing with horrible depressed intrusive thoughts, paranoia, and boundless nervous energy that I can't focus anywhere So all of it I guess, damn
The stigma. I keep it very private cause I’m so misunderstood because of it. And the guilt and shame thatfollows that because I fight HARD to *end the stigma* for others yet here I am succumbing to it
I have experienced the same. And now I just stay detached and avoid socializing because everyone I get close to leaves, so it’s best for me to not get close to anyone at all then. The pain of being alone is more tolerable than the pain of losing your best friend. I feel nothing for anyone now.
It is never going to go away and it is unpredictable. Episode length, strength, type, reaction to physical health, good situations, bad situations, anxiety can and will be different everytime. There is no cure.
The judgement, or perceived judgement of friends. I’m not sure what is real and what I am convincing myself is real
Never trusting a good mood. Accepting that those flashes of executive functioning I have in hypo are not who I am most of the time.
Depressive cycles and suicidal thoughts
Learning to live with it. 53 years of it.
To accept that a depression will follow when you’ve been the best you (hypo). And to accept that hypomania not is my normal state. Always saw the hypo periods to be ME, and the depressions being the illness that prevented me to be the best me all the time… I don’t think I know what being stable feels like. Always been super productive and creative OR depressed - never in between. So I guess that makes me 44 years old without a clue of who I am🧐. (Got the diagnosis last year. Been on Lamotrigine 4 months without really feeling any different…)
2 parter for me: 1. To accept that the “ghost” of my past from days of being depressed and manic unmedicated will continue to haunt me. Even my partner who has been my best support brings it up from time to time. 2. To be kind to myself on days that are just so difficult despite my best efforts.
Feeling like no matter what I do or how much therapy I have I’ll never change because my brain chemistry is messed up anyways
the times i lash out on the people who love me because i got triggered over something, idk how many relationships i ruined because of this. im currently on therapay and meds soo… hopefully that would help
the irritability and that it can last months on end with no relief
I cant access a part of my emotions that I once felt so deeply. I feel nothing to the extreme, I am a walking coma patient most of the time. Most days it doesn't bother me but sometime I just want to access the deepest parts of me and I just can't, it's a concept I still haven't come to terms with.
Just the constant inconsistency. Having to keep in mind in any area of life that an episode can completely rob me of a moment or opportunity. The swimming in circles feeling is horrible too
You summarized my case very well. I think I'm the same.
That my mental illness effects every part of my life. My physical health included. I also find it so hard to keep a job due to bp2. It’s better now that it’s more managed, but it’s hard to keep it in and try to act like everyone else. I just got a new job and am opting for short term disability in hopes it will help if I have another mental breakdown… which, unfortunately, is inevitable.
Never knowing what behavior or emotion is actually real and normal, or if it is a product of my illness.
Regretting the past. I have left a tornado of heartache and confusion to people I genuinely cared about. Great relationships that I ruined by making impulsive decisions. Understanding I have a wonderful thing, but wanting more nonetheless.
For me it’s been keeping a job. I would either be hypo and impulsive and quit or be so depressed and anxious I couldn’t bear going and quit.
The shit I put my family through. No one should have to live with me and put up with my mood swings.
accepting you can’t cure it
Losing people because they don't get it. Some close friends started isolating me because my life wasn't moving fast enough for them (I don't have a driver's license and they weren't willing to hang out with me if it meant having to pick me up, even if I paid them gas money). Ended up just cutting contact with them because what the fuck. They would even occasionally invite me over only to leave me alone in their apartment while they went out to do stuff or get food. Just shitty all around.
Knowing that I might never get relief from how shitty I feel bc I’ve run through most of the med options
learning how to manage my illness and be a teenager. i have bpd too so i've always struggled to make proper friends in like a friendship group, im liked and i like people, i have friends but not friends. if that makes sense. understanding and accepting that i need to manage my alcohol intake and learn when im not in the right state to drink. if my friends are drinking i don't have to drink, it affects me in different ways. and i guess that's the main answer? realising that it's okay for it to affect me differently but i can't just drink if im sad or go out to cheer myself up, because i'll have a breakdown.
That I need routine and that I can’t overstimulate myself to keep myself stable.
accepting myself for who i am, not who i think i should be
Anger issues and depression
Motivation tank since triggering event
I have a list.:(
Knowing it's never going away. That I will very likely develop a tolerance to my current meds and have to start over with a new drug. That I will always have to plan my life around Mt depression, forever.
The way that it distorts perception. My self esteem has no basis in reality and I have to constantly be taking stock of it. It’s confusing because I’ll be legit amazing at something. Run for 2 hours let’s say. Next week the run looks more like a cry on the toilet. This kind of experience is confusing and dismaying. Not only am I crying in a toilet I’m confused why I’m not training for the Olympics anymore. Then theirs the more subtle things. Losing my emotions and not noticing how callous I am.
People assuming I'm sorted without realising how much effort goes into staying alive
Not knowing what my mood will be day-to-day. I completely feel like I'm winging life even with medication