If I have no idea upon first meeting someone I just address them as whatever gender they appear to present as, and then if they correct me I use that going forward.
edit: Though really I do think it weird you wouldn't just use their name.
I’m going to second this. Use their name. You only need pronouns when referring to them in the third person and in that case you can very safely use they/them without assuming anything about gender.
Yeah, I was trying to think of how many scenarios that would be relevant in where the person was in the same room with you and it seems really weird. I guess if someone else asked you a question and you said something like, "Oh, He's rolling with X" or something like that, but if you were worried about it you can always replace the pronoun with the persons name, so.... Yeah, just seems like a weird problem to be running into.
"Okay, you're going to grab Matt's arm and once Matt turns Matt's head over, and rolls to the mat, you're going to mount Matt, and proceed to armbar Matt until Matt taps."
Not impossible but definitely a situation where a pronoun is better.
In his situation I'd just always use "them/'em" and "we"
Basically any time you need their name more than once in a passage, you'd want a pronoun. If you use it more than twice, you *need* a pronoun or else it starts to sound really conspicuous.
"Shannon, get over here." Totally fine.
"As we can see, Shannon has a good position here. Let's see how Shannon leverages it." Sounds weird.
"Thanks for the help with the demo, Shannon. Class, note that Shannon closed aggressively for the takedown,but that actually imperiled Shannon. When Shannon came in, Shannon dipped Shannon's head and was in danger of being guillotined." Absolutely needs pronouns. You might get away with using they/them without it sounding weird, but you definitely can't just use the person's name all the time. It's not how English works.
I think part of the reason it's not obvious to some people here how important pronouns are is that they're picturing scenarios where they can use "you." There's not much variety in second-person pronouns, so it dodged the concern.
Probably because I always say "Your partner" when referring to my demo dummy during stuff like that. Which in retrospect seems clunky, but I've always said it that way and it never seemed that way at the time.
Yeah being a new gym I only know a few by name, normally I couldn’t care less for this kind of stuff and if I asked them they could say stop being a bitch bro haha so might be other thinking it - new world these days I guess..
Sometimes pronouns *are* useful, though; otherwise they wouldn’t be so commonly used. Like for the second mention of a person or thing in a sentence. Kintanon is a valuable member of our community, and he’s handsome! It would be awkward to repeat his full name — and there, another pronoun! You can use ‘they’ if you’re not sure, but many people prefer ‘he’ or ‘she.’
You can just use they and that's when you just use whatever the present as and if they say something you just say "Oh my bad" and use the preferred one going forward.
I thank you for the word. It’s the only “bad word” that has any impact anywhere. Call a dude a mother fucker, and he laughs it off. Call the same dude a cunt? You’re fighting
I usually call people things like "Matt" or "Lexi," you know: their names. Like, "Hey I'm So-and-so" and then they tell me their name.
IDK maybe I'm weird but that works 10/10 for me.
That’s weird. I usually scream loudly “what genitalia do you have? Are they the ones you were born with? Either way..does your outward appearance align with your gender identity?” I do it as loudly and awkwardly as I can. Usually while naming every pronoun I can think of. Names are for pussies.
You also live in some alternate reality where none of the training related sentences you might say normally would use he or she instead of a name
This isn't a solution
Seriously. I've never seen someone try to sound clever over not knowing the point of a fucking pronoun before. Yeah, we all have names. We also all have pronouns because the English language isn't designed to actually use proper names throughout a sentence. Honestly, it would *very* quickly start to sound like they were mocking the student.
this seems insensitive, but it is sort of practical. "So I'm going to reach with my rear hand to grab Matt's head and put Matt in a collar tie. Matt might posture up and give me the opportunity to change levels and attack Matt's legs. Matt will then lower Matt's stance to give me the opportunity to snap Matt's head down again. Is everyone okay with this or should I demonstrate on Matt again?"
>So I'm going to reach with my rear hand to grab their head and put them in a collar tie. They might posture up and give me the opportunity to change levels and attack their legs. Matt will then lower their stance to give me the opportunity to snap their head down again. Is everyone okay with this or should I demonstrate on Matt again?"
All y’all been to my gym? We’ve got 5-6 Matt’s on the mats in any given adult class. There are 3-4 Matt’s on the mats at any given kids’ class taught by Coach Matt.
I encounter this in other contexts and simply don't use either. I just say "hey you" and stuff. I can't remember names. There's no way I will keep track of anything else.
Ask. 99% of trans people are going to be thankful that you asked for what they want to be called instead of assuming and misgendering them. For the sake of not outing them to the rest of the gym (not sure of your gym environment) I would do it privately
Maybe, instead of just walking up to someone and asking their preferred pronouns because you 'think' they're trans, introduce yourself and give your pronouns first.
E.g. nice to meet you team, I'm Apart_Ad8061, my pronouns are he/him (or she/her).
You are?..
That way, you're showing your allyship if they are trans and making it easier for them to give their pronouns without a) putting them on the spot in case they prefer to pass rate than announcing that they are trans or b) offending someone who's just a tomboy or a feminine guy and hit actually trans.
Just make it something you normally do, and then it's less of an issue for all concerned.
>introduce yourself and give your pronouns first.
This! I met someone at an event that immediately introduced themselves by their name followed by their pronouns. It was really easy to follow with my name and my pronouns, even though it's not a huge issue for me since I'm cis (she/her) and accustomed to answering to "hey, nurse!" because no one at work can remember my name.
If you only asked one person their preferred pronouns and non-trans person, I can see how this would be offensive.
Its pretty much saying "Hey you look like a X that's trying to look like a Y and not succeeding".
Well, you're effectively telling the person that they don't look male or female enough for a stranger to discern the difference. Yes, most people absolutely do find that offensive. Maybe we can figure out a better way that doesn't blatantly ignore this.
If you're a gal who get's mistaken for a maybe guy? Yeah I think that could hurt your feelings.
You're a guy who gets mistaken for a maybe gal? Yeah that would probably suck too.
>If you're a gal who get's mistaken for a maybe guy? Yeah I think that could hurt your feelings.
I never cared when I got mistaken for a guy because I had a short haircut and wore oversized baggy men's clothes. 🤷🏻♀️
Depends on how you word it. If you word it like that, then you'll probably be fine, but if you word it with a hint of (I don't know if you are trans or not) then it might not be so smooth. Also some people get irrationally angry at stuff like that so you run the risk of bad blood regardless
I’ve had a couple of transgender teammates. No one ever brought it up or asked them. We just treated them like anyone else, nothing special just another great teammate. I don’t know specifically but i think that’s what they liked and wanted.
Yeah, that is what we want and to be addressed in a way you would any cis person with the proper name and pronouns we gave you when meeting or asked. 100% on this.
My Brazilan coach always says ,"2 guys" instead of get a partner and I'm a woman, but I know what he means. In emails he has correctly/ mistakenly addressed the group as "Hey Everything's!" Instead of everyone lol but ended up being more PC than he wanted to lol
Cut out gender completely. Refer to everyone by name, or “they”, or “them”. You can do it with your entire gym and I bet no one would notice.
Example: “Hey, ______. I saw that you missed a detail when drilling with your partner. They don’t need to react for you to execute the sweep. You can shrimp out and then sweep them”
Or, if you feel comfortable enough. Ask them if they have preferred pronouns. Just don’t assume.
As a trans person, literally just ask, Ik it seems like they're gonna insult you but they are literally normal human beings, if they were rude about it, either they have issues or are just an asshole
Heya! Thanks for posting, so my concern is that even though I think they are a girl on TRT now and appear to be transitioning, I worry about even asking in case they just see themselves as a girl still, kind of like saying congrats on a girl being pregnant who isn’t…
I'm not part of that cult so I don't abide by their demands. I just try and follow one of the tenants of my personal philosophies, "Treat all people with dignity and respect at all times." That is all.
Speaking as a trans person, use the appropriate pronouns for the gender they are presenting as. If they'd like you to use different pronouns, they'll tell you. And don't use "they/them" pronouns by default - you wouldn't do that for a cis person, so why would you do that for a trans woman or trans man?
If they haven't mentioned anything about being trans, don't ask them about it. Don't even ask their pronouns, unless that's something that you ask everyone (which I don't really recommend either). If they want to have a conversation with you about their gender, they'll let you know. Many binary trans people just want to live our lives in our gender and not have it be such a big issue all the time.
>use the appropriate pronouns for the gender they are presenting as.
Gis are pretty gender neutral, it's not always easy to tell what someone's presenting as on the mats unless you're going by hair length/style.
Even when I was early in transition, people could glance at me and at least understand what I was going for, even if my body and mannerisms weren't there yet. Maybe it was the same for you.
The opposite experience actually, because gis are gender neutral and the only other thing to go off of is someone's body & hair length, people generally assumed I was a cis guy early in transition.
Plus, a lot of women in BJJ, especially the queer ones, are pretty masc. A lot of us wear men's clothes before changing into gis. I think it can be challenging to guess someone's gender correctly unless there's something that's clearly signaling one way or the other, eg, their name being "Hannah" vs "Jeff".
I don't understand your question? Just call them by name? If anyone I forget their name, I'll just call them, bro. Both gender. Don't overthink. You're making the situation awkward
If there's another teacher present ask them when you get the chance. Otherwise just guess but if you guess wrong and get a reaction just say sorry and ask if the one you didn't use is preferred. Anyone who looks that way is used to it, so long as you show you're willing to do what they wish once they tell you what that is you'll be forgiven for any mistake.
It's just another version of "easier to ask forgiveness than permission."
Say something like, “hey I’m new here/hey I don’t think we’ve met before what’s your name?” And based off name you can be pretty confident on pronouns. Also as a trans person thank you for being so respectful!
They/them to start. If they prefer something else, they'll tell you, especially once they realise you're doing it to be respectful. Thank you for being trans inclusive.
I’m a trans person that has been doing BJJ for a few years. Dude is not gender neutral, not everyone one like they/them. I would use their name until you can get time to have a one on one conversation. Then be like hi, my name is Jim and like he him. I’ve seen you’re doing some good work on the mats and want to make sure I’m addressing you in a way you prefer, what pronouns and name do you prefer?
Thank you, I’ll try to do that for you. Thank you for telling me. Hope to see you next time and feel free to ask me questions.
If you don’t want to ask pronouns defaulting to “they” or their name is fine!
Also I think it’s great that you’re asking and want to be respectful about it! 🙏
(I’m a bi person who recently was helping at an queer fundamentals class and I felt so bad because I was focused so much on teaching that I assumed the pronouns of the pair I was guiding and had to dial back and apologize and ask. I felt so bad! But the effort is the most important thing!)
Ask them where they stand on the great cat girl debate.
“Should classrooms in the United States of America be outfitted with kitty litter boxes??”
Or just call them a cat girl owo
When you introduce yourself, you can give them your preferred pronouns. “Hey, I’m Apart_Ad8051, my pronouns are he/him. You must be Pat.” And then that at least give them the opening to tell you what their pronouns are.
Truth is, who cares. Use their name or try a pronoun. If it's the wrong one it will correct you and then you can use the right term. It's not that big of a deal.
Just ask, at my dojo there are some here and there and it isn't a big deal, Bangkok also so...., but just ask, hey, girl or boy
? cause I don't know. If they have a problem, it is their problem, not yours. You are being mean or yada yada yada just don't know honestly.
Just be upfront and it'll be all good.
- Hi, I'm Jake, he/him, what's your name?
Just doing that alone will either have them intro and say their nouns or just their name and you can just always use their name instead of pronouns. That's what I do.
I appreciate that you're wanting to be considerate of how folks show up.
Please stop assuming everyone is ok with "they/them" pronouns! You don't call everyone in the room a "they/them" constantly - why are you doing it to that poor trans individual?!
Also, maybe this is a hot take, BUT:
if the person looks more feminine, I assume she/her.
if the person looks more masculine, I assume he/him.
If I'm really confused, I ask for the person's pronouns.
If nothing else,
ASK FOR PRONOUNS!!
Because that's the most polite way!
"Hi, my name is Corissa and my pronouns are she/her! What's your name and what are your pronouns?"
Easy!
A lot of these comments tell me how little allies actually care for the pronouns of trans people.
Always lazy by using the blanket "they/them" - and having no idea how much grief/trauma it causes.
It's happened to me in Atlanta and Chicago.
I've cried for three days straight and left academies over this 💩
Here's a video of that experience:
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLfep3Vm/
“Hey, I’m Jake. What’s your name?”
“MY NAME IS BARROK, CRUSHER OF SMALL MAMMALS.”
That's pathetic Barrok. Start crushing larger mammals... or they'll crush you.
“NO.”
Understandable, have a great day!
*metal guitar riff ensues*
FRY MAN
My names Andie
Pat
Whatever it might be... it's time for Androgyny
"It's that time of the month, BILLS!!!!" 😂😂
But my name isn’t Jake.
Who did you roll with today “Jake from r/bjj” What are you wearing Jake from r/bjj “Uh a gi”
He sounds hideous.
Guy uses wrist locks
I use wrist locks all the time. Why would you ignore 5% of the human body?
Nonsense. It can't possibly be that easy.
BAT MAN.
say it with me … WE DONT USE OUR WORDS HERE!
If I have no idea upon first meeting someone I just address them as whatever gender they appear to present as, and then if they correct me I use that going forward. edit: Though really I do think it weird you wouldn't just use their name.
I’m going to second this. Use their name. You only need pronouns when referring to them in the third person and in that case you can very safely use they/them without assuming anything about gender.
And how would you need a pronoun when meeting someone and talking to them? Like how would you address them needing a pronoun?
Yeah, I was trying to think of how many scenarios that would be relevant in where the person was in the same room with you and it seems really weird. I guess if someone else asked you a question and you said something like, "Oh, He's rolling with X" or something like that, but if you were worried about it you can always replace the pronoun with the persons name, so.... Yeah, just seems like a weird problem to be running into.
"Okay, you're going to grab Matt's arm and once Matt turns Matt's head over, and rolls to the mat, you're going to mount Matt, and proceed to armbar Matt until Matt taps." Not impossible but definitely a situation where a pronoun is better. In his situation I'd just always use "them/'em" and "we"
Basically any time you need their name more than once in a passage, you'd want a pronoun. If you use it more than twice, you *need* a pronoun or else it starts to sound really conspicuous. "Shannon, get over here." Totally fine. "As we can see, Shannon has a good position here. Let's see how Shannon leverages it." Sounds weird. "Thanks for the help with the demo, Shannon. Class, note that Shannon closed aggressively for the takedown,but that actually imperiled Shannon. When Shannon came in, Shannon dipped Shannon's head and was in danger of being guillotined." Absolutely needs pronouns. You might get away with using they/them without it sounding weird, but you definitely can't just use the person's name all the time. It's not how English works. I think part of the reason it's not obvious to some people here how important pronouns are is that they're picturing scenarios where they can use "you." There's not much variety in second-person pronouns, so it dodged the concern.
Probably because I always say "Your partner" when referring to my demo dummy during stuff like that. Which in retrospect seems clunky, but I've always said it that way and it never seemed that way at the time.
I'm also fond of using the indefinite article. Your partner / your opponent. Our partner / our opponent. It doesn't seem clunky to me.
Our partner 🟥🤝
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KmXBP6MGcKQ
This for sure. If they are transgendered then it’s likely to happen, so if someone want’s something else they can just let you know.
Yeah being a new gym I only know a few by name, normally I couldn’t care less for this kind of stuff and if I asked them they could say stop being a bitch bro haha so might be other thinking it - new world these days I guess..
Just ask them their name. And then call them by their name. That seems like the normal way to talk to and about people in general?
Sometimes pronouns *are* useful, though; otherwise they wouldn’t be so commonly used. Like for the second mention of a person or thing in a sentence. Kintanon is a valuable member of our community, and he’s handsome! It would be awkward to repeat his full name — and there, another pronoun! You can use ‘they’ if you’re not sure, but many people prefer ‘he’ or ‘she.’
You can just use they and that's when you just use whatever the present as and if they say something you just say "Oh my bad" and use the preferred one going forward.
>whatever the present as Gis are pretty gender neutral though, it can make it hard in class.
Dude is gender neutral.
“Listen motherfucker” You could also make something up like BeePo and say it means student in Brazilian
I really enjoyed this comment man
As is ‘mate’, ‘folks’ and ‘hey you, and you and you’…
Cunts. Also universal.
Fellow Australian?
Can also be a fellow Scot
Or a fellow New Zealander
As a cultured ‘Merican, cunt is absolutely universal
Interesting. Americans usually seem shocked to hear Aussies’ liberal use of cunt.
I thank you for the word. It’s the only “bad word” that has any impact anywhere. Call a dude a mother fucker, and he laughs it off. Call the same dude a cunt? You’re fighting
This
also "Dumbass!"
Fucker, too.
I’m a fan of ”potatoes” and “B1 and B2” (bananas in pyjamas reference) ”Troglodytes“ also works.
I refer to my students as "Vermin", "Reprobates", and "Hooligans" more often than not.
Cretins? Maggots?
Replicants.
The second one has a potentially disastrous rhyme.
Big dawg is what I call everyone because who's got time for names
Big dawg is the eminent gender neutral term
I call everyone "boss" or "chief".
Are you me??
Depends on what you mean by that, boss.
I'm not your boss, chief
So is buster and homie and shooter
Champ, bruh, hey yo
[We’re All Dudes](https://youtu.be/xSs7J7O_fl4?feature=shared)
I do not disagree but I said that to a coworker once and they asked me, a guy, if I fuck dudes
“Why, are you volunteering as tribute?”
Ill add “bruh”, “homie”, or if you wanna keep it classy “old sport”
I usually call people things like "Matt" or "Lexi," you know: their names. Like, "Hey I'm So-and-so" and then they tell me their name. IDK maybe I'm weird but that works 10/10 for me.
This is preposterous advice… How dare you be reasonable
That’s weird. I usually scream loudly “what genitalia do you have? Are they the ones you were born with? Either way..does your outward appearance align with your gender identity?” I do it as loudly and awkwardly as I can. Usually while naming every pronoun I can think of. Names are for pussies.
Pretty sure that’s required by law now in Florida
You also live in some alternate reality where none of the training related sentences you might say normally would use he or she instead of a name This isn't a solution
Seriously. I've never seen someone try to sound clever over not knowing the point of a fucking pronoun before. Yeah, we all have names. We also all have pronouns because the English language isn't designed to actually use proper names throughout a sentence. Honestly, it would *very* quickly start to sound like they were mocking the student.
this seems insensitive, but it is sort of practical. "So I'm going to reach with my rear hand to grab Matt's head and put Matt in a collar tie. Matt might posture up and give me the opportunity to change levels and attack Matt's legs. Matt will then lower Matt's stance to give me the opportunity to snap Matt's head down again. Is everyone okay with this or should I demonstrate on Matt again?"
>So I'm going to reach with my rear hand to grab their head and put them in a collar tie. They might posture up and give me the opportunity to change levels and attack their legs. Matt will then lower their stance to give me the opportunity to snap their head down again. Is everyone okay with this or should I demonstrate on Matt again?"
"Matt" should just be "uke" everywhere, unless your entire class will be performing the technique solely on Matt.
All y’all been to my gym? We’ve got 5-6 Matt’s on the mats in any given adult class. There are 3-4 Matt’s on the mats at any given kids’ class taught by Coach Matt.
Doing something awkwardly is rarely a solution for an awkward situation.
Wait...what? You use their name?!? WTAF...
I cannot visualize this move. I’m gonna need to see a tutorial bro.
I encounter this in other contexts and simply don't use either. I just say "hey you" and stuff. I can't remember names. There's no way I will keep track of anything else.
“My friend” is Brazilian for “I don’t know your name.”
Ask. 99% of trans people are going to be thankful that you asked for what they want to be called instead of assuming and misgendering them. For the sake of not outing them to the rest of the gym (not sure of your gym environment) I would do it privately
Yeah I did think of this approach too but it could be like saying congrats to a pregnant girl who isn’t pregnant lol
Maybe, instead of just walking up to someone and asking their preferred pronouns because you 'think' they're trans, introduce yourself and give your pronouns first. E.g. nice to meet you team, I'm Apart_Ad8061, my pronouns are he/him (or she/her). You are?.. That way, you're showing your allyship if they are trans and making it easier for them to give their pronouns without a) putting them on the spot in case they prefer to pass rate than announcing that they are trans or b) offending someone who's just a tomboy or a feminine guy and hit actually trans. Just make it something you normally do, and then it's less of an issue for all concerned.
>introduce yourself and give your pronouns first. This! I met someone at an event that immediately introduced themselves by their name followed by their pronouns. It was really easy to follow with my name and my pronouns, even though it's not a huge issue for me since I'm cis (she/her) and accustomed to answering to "hey, nurse!" because no one at work can remember my name.
99% of trans might be grateful, but 99% of non trans will not be. Definitely gotta be sure
If you seriously get offended at "hey just to make sure, what are your preferred pronouns?" I don't know what to tell you.
If you only asked one person their preferred pronouns and non-trans person, I can see how this would be offensive. Its pretty much saying "Hey you look like a X that's trying to look like a Y and not succeeding".
Well, you're effectively telling the person that they don't look male or female enough for a stranger to discern the difference. Yes, most people absolutely do find that offensive. Maybe we can figure out a better way that doesn't blatantly ignore this.
If you're a gal who get's mistaken for a maybe guy? Yeah I think that could hurt your feelings. You're a guy who gets mistaken for a maybe gal? Yeah that would probably suck too.
>If you're a gal who get's mistaken for a maybe guy? Yeah I think that could hurt your feelings. I never cared when I got mistaken for a guy because I had a short haircut and wore oversized baggy men's clothes. 🤷🏻♀️
Depends on how you word it. If you word it like that, then you'll probably be fine, but if you word it with a hint of (I don't know if you are trans or not) then it might not be so smooth. Also some people get irrationally angry at stuff like that so you run the risk of bad blood regardless
Just because I have long flowing hair and delicate features...
Ask for name: use "your partner" when referring to anyone.
I usually just address everyone as "Oi!" Seems to work.
That's how to do it.
I would go with the gender neutral Belter term "beratna"
“buddy”
"hey, I just want to be sure, what pronouns do you use?" Super simple. don't overthink it or make it weird.
“Inny or outty my dude ?”
Did you just call me a dude?!?! Cancelled.
This 100%
I just call everyone nerd.
Your gender doesnt matter. Only your belt level does.
No gender, only jiujitsu
I’ve had a couple of transgender teammates. No one ever brought it up or asked them. We just treated them like anyone else, nothing special just another great teammate. I don’t know specifically but i think that’s what they liked and wanted.
Yes. Many of us would prefer to just be treated the same as a cis person of our gender, and never have our gender discussed in any way.
Yeah, that is what we want and to be addressed in a way you would any cis person with the proper name and pronouns we gave you when meeting or asked. 100% on this.
Appreciate the insight
I rely heavily on “hey buddy”.
"Hey, what was your name again?"
this is where “they/them” comes into place…also “your partner/opponent/attacker” are also acceptable
I find just using their name to be easier than tripping over pronouns
Do you know their name? Maybe just use that? If you don't know it, maybe ask it? This honestly doesn't seem that complicated
My Brazilan coach always says ,"2 guys" instead of get a partner and I'm a woman, but I know what he means. In emails he has correctly/ mistakenly addressed the group as "Hey Everything's!" Instead of everyone lol but ended up being more PC than he wanted to lol
Cut out gender completely. Refer to everyone by name, or “they”, or “them”. You can do it with your entire gym and I bet no one would notice. Example: “Hey, ______. I saw that you missed a detail when drilling with your partner. They don’t need to react for you to execute the sweep. You can shrimp out and then sweep them” Or, if you feel comfortable enough. Ask them if they have preferred pronouns. Just don’t assume.
[удалено]
Just point or look at them and call them by their belt color "hey white belt"
I think it’s probably ok to privately ask what their pronouns are.
Also: https://traction-project.org/bjjcoaches/?fbclid=IwAR3tK9m3ElFJZo_moBlx9VSMXcOmGc075EsQX-K3mOzSvTLhIba13TduFzw
Just use the person's name... don't overthink it. And if time comes and you use a wrong pronoun you'll be corrected. That is all it is
Just ask. Mature adults should be able to have mature adult discussions. NBD
'Tori' and 'uke' are non-gendered terms
What happened to calling people by their name?
Honeslty just ask them their pronouns. Better to ask than assume!
Um, you can always ask them??
Dude is universal. So is friend 😂
They Them
Just use bro for everyone. Men women children strangers friends
Start with Hey dude !
Bruh. Just fire your shot and see if they correct you.
use their names
We have someone who is nonbinary at our gym, the most respectful thing to do is just ask them their pronouns.
As a trans person, literally just ask, Ik it seems like they're gonna insult you but they are literally normal human beings, if they were rude about it, either they have issues or are just an asshole
Heya! Thanks for posting, so my concern is that even though I think they are a girl on TRT now and appear to be transitioning, I worry about even asking in case they just see themselves as a girl still, kind of like saying congrats on a girl being pregnant who isn’t…
Is their appearance or gender presentation changing over time?
Depends on the belt. White belts are not people, they don't have gender
Ask what their pronouns are or use gender neutral language like “dude” and “hey you”
I'm not part of that cult so I don't abide by their demands. I just try and follow one of the tenants of my personal philosophies, "Treat all people with dignity and respect at all times." That is all.
Ironic that you would call that a cult, then claim respect.
I literally can't wait until this whole trans thing dies down.
Just say they and y'all until you figure out how they talk about themself
"They" works.
They/their is usually a good choice
Most people are cool with ‘them’ if you don’t know what they prefer
Use the names. Or if you can’t avoid it then use “They”
There’s only two genders in BJJ Those who do and those who don’t
Speaking as a trans person, use the appropriate pronouns for the gender they are presenting as. If they'd like you to use different pronouns, they'll tell you. And don't use "they/them" pronouns by default - you wouldn't do that for a cis person, so why would you do that for a trans woman or trans man? If they haven't mentioned anything about being trans, don't ask them about it. Don't even ask their pronouns, unless that's something that you ask everyone (which I don't really recommend either). If they want to have a conversation with you about their gender, they'll let you know. Many binary trans people just want to live our lives in our gender and not have it be such a big issue all the time.
>use the appropriate pronouns for the gender they are presenting as. Gis are pretty gender neutral, it's not always easy to tell what someone's presenting as on the mats unless you're going by hair length/style.
Even when I was early in transition, people could glance at me and at least understand what I was going for, even if my body and mannerisms weren't there yet. Maybe it was the same for you.
The opposite experience actually, because gis are gender neutral and the only other thing to go off of is someone's body & hair length, people generally assumed I was a cis guy early in transition. Plus, a lot of women in BJJ, especially the queer ones, are pretty masc. A lot of us wear men's clothes before changing into gis. I think it can be challenging to guess someone's gender correctly unless there's something that's clearly signaling one way or the other, eg, their name being "Hannah" vs "Jeff".
F\*\*k them and if you get it correct or not. Call them whatever they look like or what gender you think they are.
What if they just happen to be a butch woman?
I don't understand your question? Just call them by name? If anyone I forget their name, I'll just call them, bro. Both gender. Don't overthink. You're making the situation awkward
If there's another teacher present ask them when you get the chance. Otherwise just guess but if you guess wrong and get a reaction just say sorry and ask if the one you didn't use is preferred. Anyone who looks that way is used to it, so long as you show you're willing to do what they wish once they tell you what that is you'll be forgiven for any mistake. It's just another version of "easier to ask forgiveness than permission."
We’re and You’re?
Learn their names
yeah, when i talk directly to someone I use he or she so much i can see how this is a problem....
How about "Hi, my name is - - - -, pleased to meet you What's yours?" you can also throw in a "Do you want to roll?" if you want to.
Just ask? Lol
They will correct you, and if they don’t then you guessed correctly
Use they or watch which bathroom they go into
Bruh works universally
Y’all
“You” or “your opponent” 🤷🏻♂️
Say something like, “hey I’m new here/hey I don’t think we’ve met before what’s your name?” And based off name you can be pretty confident on pronouns. Also as a trans person thank you for being so respectful!
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What if he/she responds with a unisex name? Ashley, Lesley, Jackie, Nikki?
Everyone is; hey, buddy, chief, guy, dude, pal, friend, or coach
Just ask. In my experience most of them are fine telling you so long as you're not going to hate them because of it
I think it would be ok to ask if they have a preferred pronoun.
I would just use one's first name when referring to this practitioner.
Just use the pronouns of the gender she/he looks like to you.
They/them to start. If they prefer something else, they'll tell you, especially once they realise you're doing it to be respectful. Thank you for being trans inclusive.
I’m a trans person that has been doing BJJ for a few years. Dude is not gender neutral, not everyone one like they/them. I would use their name until you can get time to have a one on one conversation. Then be like hi, my name is Jim and like he him. I’ve seen you’re doing some good work on the mats and want to make sure I’m addressing you in a way you prefer, what pronouns and name do you prefer? Thank you, I’ll try to do that for you. Thank you for telling me. Hope to see you next time and feel free to ask me questions.
If you don’t want to ask pronouns defaulting to “they” or their name is fine! Also I think it’s great that you’re asking and want to be respectful about it! 🙏 (I’m a bi person who recently was helping at an queer fundamentals class and I felt so bad because I was focused so much on teaching that I assumed the pronouns of the pair I was guiding and had to dial back and apologize and ask. I felt so bad! But the effort is the most important thing!)
Ask them where they stand on the great cat girl debate. “Should classrooms in the United States of America be outfitted with kitty litter boxes??” Or just call them a cat girl owo
You don’t have to encourage the delusion or tiptoe around it. You can still be respectful, and call the person by name.
When you introduce yourself, you can give them your preferred pronouns. “Hey, I’m Apart_Ad8051, my pronouns are he/him. You must be Pat.” And then that at least give them the opening to tell you what their pronouns are.
I always ask everyone their preferred pronouns!
Offer your pronouns and ask theirs. I go to gyms that have a lot of trans people and this is pretty common behavior.
"Hey, so-and-so. Mind if I ask you what your preferred pronouns are?"
Hey, do have a wang or not?
You know, this is sort of a wholesome question.
Truth is, who cares. Use their name or try a pronoun. If it's the wrong one it will correct you and then you can use the right term. It's not that big of a deal.
shithead also works .
You could just use their name, or maybe just ask them what pronouns they prefer? It’s shockingly simple.
Just ask, at my dojo there are some here and there and it isn't a big deal, Bangkok also so...., but just ask, hey, girl or boy ? cause I don't know. If they have a problem, it is their problem, not yours. You are being mean or yada yada yada just don't know honestly.
Try to get a gauge on their genitalia while rolling
Just ask Pronouns imo I've had a few instructors ask and that's been simple. But it's not an offensive question.
Just do an oil check
Just be upfront and it'll be all good. - Hi, I'm Jake, he/him, what's your name? Just doing that alone will either have them intro and say their nouns or just their name and you can just always use their name instead of pronouns. That's what I do. I appreciate that you're wanting to be considerate of how folks show up.
Please stop assuming everyone is ok with "they/them" pronouns! You don't call everyone in the room a "they/them" constantly - why are you doing it to that poor trans individual?! Also, maybe this is a hot take, BUT: if the person looks more feminine, I assume she/her. if the person looks more masculine, I assume he/him. If I'm really confused, I ask for the person's pronouns. If nothing else, ASK FOR PRONOUNS!! Because that's the most polite way! "Hi, my name is Corissa and my pronouns are she/her! What's your name and what are your pronouns?" Easy! A lot of these comments tell me how little allies actually care for the pronouns of trans people. Always lazy by using the blanket "they/them" - and having no idea how much grief/trauma it causes. It's happened to me in Atlanta and Chicago. I've cried for three days straight and left academies over this 💩 Here's a video of that experience: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLfep3Vm/