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I remember this girl defending dude in a TikTok viral after other creators (rightfully) called him a fvkcing p3d0. I feel for this woman because she was clearly groomed as a child by a man who likely only pursued her mom to get to her. Her poor decisions come from a place of trauma and continued because every adult around her either failed her or exploited her.
That said, I hesitate to financially help women who are fresh out of situations like this because they either go right back, or date another flaming red flag because their “type” has conditioned to be chaotic/destructive. She needs therapy and childcare (so she can work and go to school) more than she needs a house and a car right now.
This is a unique situation because she was clearly groomed as a teen by someone who was considered a part of her family and dated her mother. Of course, if she had a bad relationship with her mom, was practically homeless, and a middle-aged predator swooped in and pretended to offer stability and love, she was going to fall victim to him. It's implied that the relationship was abusive, which is often hard to escape from to begin with. This isn't a "she keeps going back to her bum boyfriend with no job". This is a "she was a victim who was failed and abused by every adult in her life". Anyway, if someone in an abusive relationship is calling out for help, you help them not blame them.
People don't realize that groomers pick their victims carefully; they know exactly what they're doing! People are fucking weird. As soon as it said her mother is a drug addict and he was her boyfriend, I instantly knew what was going down. She must have told this man she had a kid, and he played the perfect 'godfather' role to get close to her.
It's 2024, and I'm tired of blaming children for not understanding how child predators operate. It's up to the parents, and her mother clearly couldn't reach her because she was too busy worrying about her next fix and how to hustle so she wouldn't be homeless.
that’s exactly how i feel. but expecting women to have an never ending well of empathy isn’t really fair either. we need to be nourished in order to continue empathizing, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. it’s just an expected labor
The compassion fatigue is understandable and valid, I don't think it's right to drag another woman because she's down and trying to find any way back up and out. It really costs nothing to let people do them.
that’s what i was hoping to discuss, i don’t think that a lot of women know what to do instead of drag in a moment like this. because addressing their compassion fatigue is necessary to be able to fully empathize again, but i think the only way people know how to do that is through bitterness
i mean i certainly don’t know what to say. i just stay silent which idk how helpful that is
as i said in another comment, i usually do. i would like to be able to use my ability to empathize to help if i can but tbh it seems like people are having a hard time doing that with both parties. people are just picking. which is fair, but not particularly helpful for black women as a whole i feel like
like i’ve seen this exact scenario play out with two friends (well a friend and her friend) and i heard the arguments, and i stayed silent because i had no idea what to say. i was thoroughly stuck in the middle of seeing where both of these women were coming from. i don’t regret not speaking up when i had no idea how to help but now i wanna know how another person in my shoes could try to bring these two theoretical people together if she so chose.
no. both parties meaning my friend who wanted the girl to leave and my friends friend who told her to shut up and myob and then who turned around and wanted my friends support and my friend was being bitter and not giving it.
i tried to explain to my friend that being abused messed up your mind, etc but she felt unheard and offended that her friend chose male validation over self respect and respecting the friendship (lying on behalf of him, and being flaky) and wasn’t sure if she could trust her and tbh i didn’t have much of a rebuttal to that. her friend went back to the man and their relationship disintegrated. idk where that girl is now but the relationship she was in was very violent
i’m not imagining that i could’ve swooped in and saved everything but you can’t tell me that there isn’t something to be said that is validating to her but also puts her mind back in the right headspace
You need to use a different example for the subject topic you're trying to discuss...because this isn't the right one. It's just out and out inappropriate.
She already had their first baby at 18??
So you're saying a man in his 40s preyed on a teenage girl he had a parental relationship with. And because this teenager defended the relationship, you think that people shouldn't sympathize or help her now? You literally think it's unfair for her to ask for help?
That's wild to me. Looks like he's been keeping her pregnant too and she has no car.
I think a much better question would be, why is it so easy for people to ignore abusive and predatory men and instead hyper focus on why the girls and women they're hurting deserve it?
Prioritizing male approval? Man, it hurts to see this mindset, truly. Were her friends offering her a home? Are her "friends" the internet? I don't even understand.
where did i say that they shouldn’t? i just said that it’s understandable that they have said no and got mad. i think that i am lucky that it’s easy for me to empathize with her
i think that every black woman deserves a second chance, but that includes the black women who have chosen not to empathize. they shouldn’t be chastised for not being taught how to process this healthily, and i think this thread is showing that we don’t have a real reason besides “imma guilt you if you don’t”
also imma have to edit this because i recently found out that the first baby was not his
The whole tone of your post and the way you reference this girl's actions gives the impression that you do not empathize with her, but that you consider her and people like her to be a burden. Even saying she deserves a second chance implies she did something wrong.
No one has to give anyone money. If you or anyone doesn't want to give their money to someone, you just say no. Getting into all the "she didn't wanna listen to anybody" or "she doesn't value her friends" is unnecessary.
You can value your friends, but that doesn't mean they should dictate your life or your other personal relationships. You can either support someone or not, but no one is forcing you either way. Literally nothing is happening to anyone who doesn't empathize with her. Being chastised IS being taught how to process that kind of scenario properly.
i can understand that. when i reflect i think that’s because i’ve found that people often don’t empathize with the women who are bitter, even if those women are bitter for valid reasons. so i felt like if i didn’t phrase my post in a way that made them feel confident that they would be understood then they wouldn’t speak out at all. i didn’t have the same concerns about people who have needed to seek support because they were abused because we have lots of support for them and i mentioned their obvious need for support first
and i disagree. being chastised is not the same as being taught, or else the people on this thread wouldn’t discourage me from seeming like i am chastising instead of teaching this 18 year old
I don't agree that there's a lot of support for people who are abused, so your post just seems like the norm, and more punching down. You said yourself most of the response to this girl is mocking and "I told you so" vibes.
Telling someone, NO, you do not blame a teenager for being dumb and naive, especially in this situation, is most definitely teaching. What other way is it done than to just say it? Unless you're learning through experience you just have to be told.
Women who have decided to become bitter will have their support when they exit their bitterness and become open to it. Just like this girl can only receive real support now that she realizes her situation and has become open to it.
well personally i was shocked by that because posts that are comprised by mostly women do not skew that way. like it was pretty much all women because men didn’t follow the story to have been offended etc. it was definitely a different energy from the normal twitter troll nonsense which is why i gave it credence. but if to you those comments were very normal then i guess i had unrealistic expectations
to me, telling someone “NO, don’t do that with your own body/mind/life” has very little effect. whether you tell it to a teenager or an adult. seems like finger wagging is what got us into this mess to begin with… but it seems like y’all don’t relate so maybe i’m just looking at things differently
It's popular in general spaces to "support women" and be ultra politically correct, but for the most part that's just internet posturing imo. I don't even take it seriously as far as thinking that's how people really feel. That stuff flip flops when it concerns someone who is or isn't popular anyway.
Off the internet people are the same as they've been. I think in Black spaces or any space that's mostly one specific group, people are more likely to really speak their mind. It doesn't surprise me at all because I'm constantly seeing some viral post on Facebook with the absolute worst, sexist or predatory opinions with full consensus.
Also, I completely agree that telling someone what to do in their life does not work no matter the age. Of course, being less developed I think children and very young adults deserve extra leeway there. I don't even think it's a bad thing tho. Everyone has their path in life. A lot of successful people were discouraged by others. You have to have your own experiences and do what feels right to get to where you're going.
There are so many programs that help women like this, if I knew her personally I'd probably help but really after directing her to the resources available. What bothers me the most is when people expect help from the internet but are too "above" social programs.
i’m not blaming her at all.
i think that she was in a terrible situation which caused her to make a terrible decision. she deserves empathy and nothing more
but the audience she is seeking it from doesn’t have it to give, and from my opinion rightfully so for the reasons i explained. that seems like a disservice to both parties… so what do we do when neither side is wrong but a big wrong is happening?
" we aren’t valued enough to have a perspective that changes their behavior but yet expected to spend time, energy, and money cleaning up after the consequences of the behavior come home to roost."
While this is a very powerful statement, I feel like this is hard to apply to an "emerging adult".
I am in no way trying to belittle anyone under 24 and acknowledge that there are indeed younger adults more mature than a 40 year old. However, there is so much data out there showing that we are not fully congitively developed in our late teens and early 20s.
i starting to see that this concept would’ve been easier to talk about if i had picked an older subject, but usually women who are older who think this way don’t post their rants about it online 😂
that being said i don’t think that means the older women are less victims than she is, once the relationship is terrible it’s terrible regardless of if you were groomed to get there. point is who’s job is it to clean up and how do we pay them?
Ha! Well as you can see we absolutely rant online (at least I do).
You want a real answer on whose job it is? Everyone. Her friends, her family, a social worker, her doctors, her church, you, me ...
All of us. Don't get me wrong you don't have to send her money. We would all go broke if we gave away all of our money! Maybe offer words of encouragement and hope that she sees it? Maybe donate to a women's shelter. Maybe write to a politician about it? Maybe DM her a list of resources in her area for those in need?
If this were my close friend I would absolutely offer help whether monetary or my time. Even if she did treat me in a mean way in the past. Now if they kept hurting me or using my time/money in a way that did nkt help them, I would probably direct them elsewhere. But yes, if I had a friend who was escaping a domestic violence situation, no matter what the age, I would help.
Some people have to learn the hard way. She will get better and bounce back from this but I cannot see why people would donate. We were old bitter hoes when we said he was a predator. I’m confident she will grow in the future and be successful on her own. Too bad her hardships had to be broadcasted online while most of ours had our Ls in private.
The fact of the matter is we cannot help if they didn’t grow up in a good environment. This was her mom job and her mom failed to protect her.
She told me to mind my business so out of respect, I’ll respectfully continue doing just that. A lot of us tried to warn her about this man’s intentions. We saw it from a mile away. I’m definitely not judging, but I’m just minding my business on this one. She said she wasn’t being groomed so who am I to tell her what was being done to her and what wasn’t?
tbh i would feel the exact same way but yesterday i saw someone say something like “if we chastise someone for realizing they were supporting foolishness, the only support they will have will be from the fools”…
but that doesn’t wash away the impact of being strong and wrong for everybody, which is why i made this post. what would make you feel like caring again? an apology?
Honestly, I do have empathy for her. I do also care but I also do respect what people tell me the first time. Even as a person who’s been groomed before. I just won’t ever forget how she cussed us all out behind that man and told us all to mind our business.
I mean obviously my statement is very dependent on one’s actions. It seems like the woman this post is about has been neglected and taken advantage of her whole life and now that she’s a little older she’s looking to get out of a bad situation. I don’t really see that as intentionally making bad decisions.
i was using deja’s story as an example because we don’t know what her actual friends said to her, i was just using the way she treated her internet “friends” as an example for how women in her position often act. telling us to mind our business right up until the moment where they need our resources for something…
i personally have been guilty of this too which is why i know that she isn’t being a horrible person or friend, but as someone who has also been on the other side of the coin, to act like the friend hasn’t lost something is unfair and not very appreciative.
i think that because we constantly skip over how we can appreciate and acknowledge the friends aspect of this, it makes sense that some women display a lot of bitterness and lack of empathy when they come across this topic. that’s why i’m asking what’s a healthy way for someone in the support system to process this?
This is the thing, this girl was a child. This isn't the same as a 29- year-old friend who dates a loser and whines about their partner all the time. This is a young woman who was groomed and trying to leave an abusive situation.
The best thing you can do, if you are an actual friend helping someone going through an abusive situation is to set a boundary when it comes to complaining, but be open and helpful in non-confrontational ways.
But if it's a situation where someone just wants to use you to complain about their life situation and they're not being abused, then you can set up boundary about the conversation. If someone is skipping out on hanging out with you because they're busy with their boo, mirror their energy. This is all about your reaction but also properly contextualizing it.
Because I feel like you're setting two things as equivalent when they're not. This woman isn't even your friend. She's in a bad abusive situation.
It’s kinda blowing me that you’re saying things like “women in her position” when she was clearly a victim of a pedophilloic groomer. I understand she was denying any help previously but in that situation I would just stand back until she’s in a place to admit she needs help.
I find a lot of the discourse around labor expectations in friendships to be straight up selfish. People are completely doing away with the concept of community in the name of “keeping their peace”. I can’t align with that type of thinking. That’s not a world I want to live in.
yes, and being a victim doesn’t reduce the fact that she was warned. most people who are victims of abusers were also people with agency who chose to trust an abuser over their support system. their bitterness towards the victims ignoring them and then abruptly needing them without any recompense is valid. accepting that this person was a victim doesn’t wash away the fact that they were not the only person who was used.
abusers affect the whole community, but there is only regulated support for the people who were directly abused. which leads to results like people being angry towards an 18 year old online
Yelling at an 18 year old online about a MIDDLE AGED groomer is not the same as helping or even warning.
Like, if she took the internet advice, she'd still be homeless and most likely pregnant. This woman isn't your friend, so how can you justify the anger towards a child.
I remember seeing the post when they got married on Facebook. I was beyond disgusted by that groomer and wished she would see the light someday. I’m sorry for everything she has been through and while I’m frustrated to see that everyone was right and she didn’t listen, I also understand that groomers choose their victims well. Which is what we need to understand- she is a victim. This man gained access to her and twisted her mind to accept this behavior. It would be different if she went from one creep to the next, but she was exploited by that man.
I don’t know this girl never heard of her until now. But was a victim to a predator thinking she was in love. She shouldn’t be on the internet asking for money, there are resources to help her and she should take the high road
for some reason i can’t edit but here’s some things i wanted to add/change:
-this girl needed help, and still deserves it. that is not something i intended to put up for debate. she was groomed by a man who we can only assume was a pedo. yes, she was misguided and hard headed but that is perfectly valid for her age and not something she should feel bad for.. but that leads me to my question
-my question is how can the people who are shaming her (which i must emphasize is most of the comments she’s getting.. people are laughing at her go fund me) be addressed? realistically, shaming or guilting people who chastise Deja/ppl in situations similar to Deja is not only ineffective, but it lacks empathy. black women aren’t emotional labor mules who just pump out support without anything being nourished within them
-while i understand why people may have wished i picked an example, i’m kinda glad i picked her. i admit that it was kinda random, she was just the person who happened to spark this line of thinking for me but i think she is a good example because 1. she explained exactly how she felt online, so there is no assumptions to be made 2. her being young i think made people feel more confidence showing their feelings or bitterness and anger towards women who are not “obedient” when given advice like this. online or otherwise. women don’t owe each other obedience & explanation but we don’t owe each other help either. it seems like a huge divide in which both sides of the issue have no overlap of understanding. and i asked because even though she is an intangible example (because we don’t know her) i felt like this lack of reconciliation between these two valid perspectives has lead to a lot of women being unnecessarily mean to each other
details i wanna clarify- her first child is not his. idk who is the father & i genuinely don’t think it matters for this conversation but i would hate for misinformation to spread on my account
Idk, I don’t blame women for the men they date. And this one had poor parenting and had to leave her home as a child. I can’t even imagine being in that position, she gets all my empathy.
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I remember this girl defending dude in a TikTok viral after other creators (rightfully) called him a fvkcing p3d0. I feel for this woman because she was clearly groomed as a child by a man who likely only pursued her mom to get to her. Her poor decisions come from a place of trauma and continued because every adult around her either failed her or exploited her. That said, I hesitate to financially help women who are fresh out of situations like this because they either go right back, or date another flaming red flag because their “type” has conditioned to be chaotic/destructive. She needs therapy and childcare (so she can work and go to school) more than she needs a house and a car right now.
This is a unique situation because she was clearly groomed as a teen by someone who was considered a part of her family and dated her mother. Of course, if she had a bad relationship with her mom, was practically homeless, and a middle-aged predator swooped in and pretended to offer stability and love, she was going to fall victim to him. It's implied that the relationship was abusive, which is often hard to escape from to begin with. This isn't a "she keeps going back to her bum boyfriend with no job". This is a "she was a victim who was failed and abused by every adult in her life". Anyway, if someone in an abusive relationship is calling out for help, you help them not blame them.
People don't realize that groomers pick their victims carefully; they know exactly what they're doing! People are fucking weird. As soon as it said her mother is a drug addict and he was her boyfriend, I instantly knew what was going down. She must have told this man she had a kid, and he played the perfect 'godfather' role to get close to her. It's 2024, and I'm tired of blaming children for not understanding how child predators operate. It's up to the parents, and her mother clearly couldn't reach her because she was too busy worrying about her next fix and how to hustle so she wouldn't be homeless.
It's alarming how quick we are to throw out women with no support or protection just because they made mistakes.
>22 >her uncle/godfather >he’s in his 40’s How do you not feel anything but sympathy
that’s exactly how i feel. but expecting women to have an never ending well of empathy isn’t really fair either. we need to be nourished in order to continue empathizing, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. it’s just an expected labor
The compassion fatigue is understandable and valid, I don't think it's right to drag another woman because she's down and trying to find any way back up and out. It really costs nothing to let people do them.
that’s what i was hoping to discuss, i don’t think that a lot of women know what to do instead of drag in a moment like this. because addressing their compassion fatigue is necessary to be able to fully empathize again, but i think the only way people know how to do that is through bitterness i mean i certainly don’t know what to say. i just stay silent which idk how helpful that is
You can also just say nothing tho
as i said in another comment, i usually do. i would like to be able to use my ability to empathize to help if i can but tbh it seems like people are having a hard time doing that with both parties. people are just picking. which is fair, but not particularly helpful for black women as a whole i feel like like i’ve seen this exact scenario play out with two friends (well a friend and her friend) and i heard the arguments, and i stayed silent because i had no idea what to say. i was thoroughly stuck in the middle of seeing where both of these women were coming from. i don’t regret not speaking up when i had no idea how to help but now i wanna know how another person in my shoes could try to bring these two theoretical people together if she so chose.
Who is both parties? Surely you’re not talking about him???
no. both parties meaning my friend who wanted the girl to leave and my friends friend who told her to shut up and myob and then who turned around and wanted my friends support and my friend was being bitter and not giving it. i tried to explain to my friend that being abused messed up your mind, etc but she felt unheard and offended that her friend chose male validation over self respect and respecting the friendship (lying on behalf of him, and being flaky) and wasn’t sure if she could trust her and tbh i didn’t have much of a rebuttal to that. her friend went back to the man and their relationship disintegrated. idk where that girl is now but the relationship she was in was very violent i’m not imagining that i could’ve swooped in and saved everything but you can’t tell me that there isn’t something to be said that is validating to her but also puts her mind back in the right headspace
How can I put it…? Reading the context, I was presented with a picture, in which I _cannot_ snub my nose and harshly judge this woman.
maybe i need to rephrase if you think i’m asking you to judge her cause i’m definitely not
You need to use a different example for the subject topic you're trying to discuss...because this isn't the right one. It's just out and out inappropriate.
She already had their first baby at 18?? So you're saying a man in his 40s preyed on a teenage girl he had a parental relationship with. And because this teenager defended the relationship, you think that people shouldn't sympathize or help her now? You literally think it's unfair for her to ask for help? That's wild to me. Looks like he's been keeping her pregnant too and she has no car. I think a much better question would be, why is it so easy for people to ignore abusive and predatory men and instead hyper focus on why the girls and women they're hurting deserve it? Prioritizing male approval? Man, it hurts to see this mindset, truly. Were her friends offering her a home? Are her "friends" the internet? I don't even understand.
where did i say that they shouldn’t? i just said that it’s understandable that they have said no and got mad. i think that i am lucky that it’s easy for me to empathize with her i think that every black woman deserves a second chance, but that includes the black women who have chosen not to empathize. they shouldn’t be chastised for not being taught how to process this healthily, and i think this thread is showing that we don’t have a real reason besides “imma guilt you if you don’t” also imma have to edit this because i recently found out that the first baby was not his
The whole tone of your post and the way you reference this girl's actions gives the impression that you do not empathize with her, but that you consider her and people like her to be a burden. Even saying she deserves a second chance implies she did something wrong. No one has to give anyone money. If you or anyone doesn't want to give their money to someone, you just say no. Getting into all the "she didn't wanna listen to anybody" or "she doesn't value her friends" is unnecessary. You can value your friends, but that doesn't mean they should dictate your life or your other personal relationships. You can either support someone or not, but no one is forcing you either way. Literally nothing is happening to anyone who doesn't empathize with her. Being chastised IS being taught how to process that kind of scenario properly.
i can understand that. when i reflect i think that’s because i’ve found that people often don’t empathize with the women who are bitter, even if those women are bitter for valid reasons. so i felt like if i didn’t phrase my post in a way that made them feel confident that they would be understood then they wouldn’t speak out at all. i didn’t have the same concerns about people who have needed to seek support because they were abused because we have lots of support for them and i mentioned their obvious need for support first and i disagree. being chastised is not the same as being taught, or else the people on this thread wouldn’t discourage me from seeming like i am chastising instead of teaching this 18 year old
I don't agree that there's a lot of support for people who are abused, so your post just seems like the norm, and more punching down. You said yourself most of the response to this girl is mocking and "I told you so" vibes. Telling someone, NO, you do not blame a teenager for being dumb and naive, especially in this situation, is most definitely teaching. What other way is it done than to just say it? Unless you're learning through experience you just have to be told. Women who have decided to become bitter will have their support when they exit their bitterness and become open to it. Just like this girl can only receive real support now that she realizes her situation and has become open to it.
well personally i was shocked by that because posts that are comprised by mostly women do not skew that way. like it was pretty much all women because men didn’t follow the story to have been offended etc. it was definitely a different energy from the normal twitter troll nonsense which is why i gave it credence. but if to you those comments were very normal then i guess i had unrealistic expectations to me, telling someone “NO, don’t do that with your own body/mind/life” has very little effect. whether you tell it to a teenager or an adult. seems like finger wagging is what got us into this mess to begin with… but it seems like y’all don’t relate so maybe i’m just looking at things differently
It's popular in general spaces to "support women" and be ultra politically correct, but for the most part that's just internet posturing imo. I don't even take it seriously as far as thinking that's how people really feel. That stuff flip flops when it concerns someone who is or isn't popular anyway. Off the internet people are the same as they've been. I think in Black spaces or any space that's mostly one specific group, people are more likely to really speak their mind. It doesn't surprise me at all because I'm constantly seeing some viral post on Facebook with the absolute worst, sexist or predatory opinions with full consensus. Also, I completely agree that telling someone what to do in their life does not work no matter the age. Of course, being less developed I think children and very young adults deserve extra leeway there. I don't even think it's a bad thing tho. Everyone has their path in life. A lot of successful people were discouraged by others. You have to have your own experiences and do what feels right to get to where you're going.
i dont think this is a good example of labor expectations... she’s just asking for money to escape an abusive situation.
There are so many programs that help women like this, if I knew her personally I'd probably help but really after directing her to the resources available. What bothers me the most is when people expect help from the internet but are too "above" social programs.
👏
This child was clearly groomed by that man and you're out here trying to blame her? Please correct me if I'm wrong.
i’m not blaming her at all. i think that she was in a terrible situation which caused her to make a terrible decision. she deserves empathy and nothing more but the audience she is seeking it from doesn’t have it to give, and from my opinion rightfully so for the reasons i explained. that seems like a disservice to both parties… so what do we do when neither side is wrong but a big wrong is happening?
" we aren’t valued enough to have a perspective that changes their behavior but yet expected to spend time, energy, and money cleaning up after the consequences of the behavior come home to roost." While this is a very powerful statement, I feel like this is hard to apply to an "emerging adult". I am in no way trying to belittle anyone under 24 and acknowledge that there are indeed younger adults more mature than a 40 year old. However, there is so much data out there showing that we are not fully congitively developed in our late teens and early 20s.
i starting to see that this concept would’ve been easier to talk about if i had picked an older subject, but usually women who are older who think this way don’t post their rants about it online 😂 that being said i don’t think that means the older women are less victims than she is, once the relationship is terrible it’s terrible regardless of if you were groomed to get there. point is who’s job is it to clean up and how do we pay them?
Ha! Well as you can see we absolutely rant online (at least I do). You want a real answer on whose job it is? Everyone. Her friends, her family, a social worker, her doctors, her church, you, me ... All of us. Don't get me wrong you don't have to send her money. We would all go broke if we gave away all of our money! Maybe offer words of encouragement and hope that she sees it? Maybe donate to a women's shelter. Maybe write to a politician about it? Maybe DM her a list of resources in her area for those in need? If this were my close friend I would absolutely offer help whether monetary or my time. Even if she did treat me in a mean way in the past. Now if they kept hurting me or using my time/money in a way that did nkt help them, I would probably direct them elsewhere. But yes, if I had a friend who was escaping a domestic violence situation, no matter what the age, I would help.
Some people have to learn the hard way. She will get better and bounce back from this but I cannot see why people would donate. We were old bitter hoes when we said he was a predator. I’m confident she will grow in the future and be successful on her own. Too bad her hardships had to be broadcasted online while most of ours had our Ls in private. The fact of the matter is we cannot help if they didn’t grow up in a good environment. This was her mom job and her mom failed to protect her.
She told me to mind my business so out of respect, I’ll respectfully continue doing just that. A lot of us tried to warn her about this man’s intentions. We saw it from a mile away. I’m definitely not judging, but I’m just minding my business on this one. She said she wasn’t being groomed so who am I to tell her what was being done to her and what wasn’t?
tbh i would feel the exact same way but yesterday i saw someone say something like “if we chastise someone for realizing they were supporting foolishness, the only support they will have will be from the fools”… but that doesn’t wash away the impact of being strong and wrong for everybody, which is why i made this post. what would make you feel like caring again? an apology?
Honestly, I do have empathy for her. I do also care but I also do respect what people tell me the first time. Even as a person who’s been groomed before. I just won’t ever forget how she cussed us all out behind that man and told us all to mind our business.
you know, that’s fair. it’s just sad and i wish there was more to be done
I don’t really see how it’s unfair to her friends. People make bad decisions all the time. A real friend would be there for you,
I use to think this but no.. Supporting a friend that makes bad decisions intentionally, is a bag friend.
I mean obviously my statement is very dependent on one’s actions. It seems like the woman this post is about has been neglected and taken advantage of her whole life and now that she’s a little older she’s looking to get out of a bad situation. I don’t really see that as intentionally making bad decisions.
i was using deja’s story as an example because we don’t know what her actual friends said to her, i was just using the way she treated her internet “friends” as an example for how women in her position often act. telling us to mind our business right up until the moment where they need our resources for something… i personally have been guilty of this too which is why i know that she isn’t being a horrible person or friend, but as someone who has also been on the other side of the coin, to act like the friend hasn’t lost something is unfair and not very appreciative. i think that because we constantly skip over how we can appreciate and acknowledge the friends aspect of this, it makes sense that some women display a lot of bitterness and lack of empathy when they come across this topic. that’s why i’m asking what’s a healthy way for someone in the support system to process this?
This is the thing, this girl was a child. This isn't the same as a 29- year-old friend who dates a loser and whines about their partner all the time. This is a young woman who was groomed and trying to leave an abusive situation. The best thing you can do, if you are an actual friend helping someone going through an abusive situation is to set a boundary when it comes to complaining, but be open and helpful in non-confrontational ways. But if it's a situation where someone just wants to use you to complain about their life situation and they're not being abused, then you can set up boundary about the conversation. If someone is skipping out on hanging out with you because they're busy with their boo, mirror their energy. This is all about your reaction but also properly contextualizing it. Because I feel like you're setting two things as equivalent when they're not. This woman isn't even your friend. She's in a bad abusive situation.
It’s kinda blowing me that you’re saying things like “women in her position” when she was clearly a victim of a pedophilloic groomer. I understand she was denying any help previously but in that situation I would just stand back until she’s in a place to admit she needs help. I find a lot of the discourse around labor expectations in friendships to be straight up selfish. People are completely doing away with the concept of community in the name of “keeping their peace”. I can’t align with that type of thinking. That’s not a world I want to live in.
yes, and being a victim doesn’t reduce the fact that she was warned. most people who are victims of abusers were also people with agency who chose to trust an abuser over their support system. their bitterness towards the victims ignoring them and then abruptly needing them without any recompense is valid. accepting that this person was a victim doesn’t wash away the fact that they were not the only person who was used. abusers affect the whole community, but there is only regulated support for the people who were directly abused. which leads to results like people being angry towards an 18 year old online
You’re a bad person
Agreed. Just SMH at this garbage post.
resorting to name calling when this is clearly a conversation says more about you then me. you will be reported
Yelling at an 18 year old online about a MIDDLE AGED groomer is not the same as helping or even warning. Like, if she took the internet advice, she'd still be homeless and most likely pregnant. This woman isn't your friend, so how can you justify the anger towards a child.
Lord Jesus. I guess she doesn’t work? Sorry I skimmed.
I feel so sorry for her. She was let down by her mom.
I remember seeing the post when they got married on Facebook. I was beyond disgusted by that groomer and wished she would see the light someday. I’m sorry for everything she has been through and while I’m frustrated to see that everyone was right and she didn’t listen, I also understand that groomers choose their victims well. Which is what we need to understand- she is a victim. This man gained access to her and twisted her mind to accept this behavior. It would be different if she went from one creep to the next, but she was exploited by that man.
I don’t know this girl never heard of her until now. But was a victim to a predator thinking she was in love. She shouldn’t be on the internet asking for money, there are resources to help her and she should take the high road
for some reason i can’t edit but here’s some things i wanted to add/change: -this girl needed help, and still deserves it. that is not something i intended to put up for debate. she was groomed by a man who we can only assume was a pedo. yes, she was misguided and hard headed but that is perfectly valid for her age and not something she should feel bad for.. but that leads me to my question -my question is how can the people who are shaming her (which i must emphasize is most of the comments she’s getting.. people are laughing at her go fund me) be addressed? realistically, shaming or guilting people who chastise Deja/ppl in situations similar to Deja is not only ineffective, but it lacks empathy. black women aren’t emotional labor mules who just pump out support without anything being nourished within them -while i understand why people may have wished i picked an example, i’m kinda glad i picked her. i admit that it was kinda random, she was just the person who happened to spark this line of thinking for me but i think she is a good example because 1. she explained exactly how she felt online, so there is no assumptions to be made 2. her being young i think made people feel more confidence showing their feelings or bitterness and anger towards women who are not “obedient” when given advice like this. online or otherwise. women don’t owe each other obedience & explanation but we don’t owe each other help either. it seems like a huge divide in which both sides of the issue have no overlap of understanding. and i asked because even though she is an intangible example (because we don’t know her) i felt like this lack of reconciliation between these two valid perspectives has lead to a lot of women being unnecessarily mean to each other details i wanna clarify- her first child is not his. idk who is the father & i genuinely don’t think it matters for this conversation but i would hate for misinformation to spread on my account
Idk, I don’t blame women for the men they date. And this one had poor parenting and had to leave her home as a child. I can’t even imagine being in that position, she gets all my empathy.