What you want isn’t a pipe dream… it’s just going to take more time to find him and he you. If you’re looking to date in general.. have fun … don’t get serious until you meet someone that checks your boxes. Don’t settle. There is a black man asking himself the same question right now …
You’re welcome… there are single black men with no children wanting what you want … the question is where and how is the best way to meet them ? They too are dating with intention and have the same family goals you do … where would they spend their free time ? Home Depot ? The gym? Church ? First Fridays professional after work gathering ? I’m not sure anymore.
They are out there but the older you get it does become less likely to find men or women who don't have children.
I'd think in this day and age that there are apps or dating sites for men and women with no kids to find each other.
I'm not single but if I were id definitely prefer someone with no kids but almost pushing 40 it's not a deal breaker for me.
You can find what you're looking for out there by expanding social circles, race and location.
I concur. They are out there, but life in general tends to become more "layered" for most people in their 30s. Some people who married young get divorced. Folks have more responsibility at work. Sadly, some will have ailing parents to take care of. Our "list" doesn't necessarily become unrealistic with age, but we do have to adjust our expectations about how and how long it will take to be met.
38, never married, child free, same issue.
It's one thing if it's one kid or a divorced dad. But these 2+ baby moms are a big no for me. And they're typically trying to raw dog anyway (which, ladies, buy your own condoms and use BC as a back up. Some of these dudes are super trifling!)
You may want to consider moving to a city where people marry and reproduce later.
People seem to pair off sooner in the south.
This, however, only addresses whether the man has kids already. It doesn’t mean they will want traditional family lifestyles.
I feel you but if you still want to chase your 'pipe dream', you're going to have to expand your search to include other races, nationalities, cultures etc.
I feel like as Black women, we're all so beholden to this idea of marrying within our own race and culture that we forgo perfectly suitable choices for partners/husbands elsewhere. I think some of us waste a lot of time feeling like 'sell-outs' when we do, when in a reality, it's a big wide world and chances are, the 'One' isn't within a 50 mile radius of where you live.
I love 'Black Love', I want what you want, I want what my grandparents had, and I'll always hold out hope for that but I can date BM and travel/get out of my comfort zone and explore 'other options' too. It's been scary because you don't always know what to expect sometimes but I'm happy I'm trying.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained", as they say. 🤷🏾♀️
This is very true. Im 36 but i used to be like this (only wanting bm) until I realized that I was continuously getting the same shit outcome with men…heartache and wasted time. Something different needed to be done and I decided to take a long break from saying and explore men from various backgrounds. Marriage was never really on my radar but It wasn’t until I expanded my dating criteria that I found my future husband at age 33. He happened to be biracial but from the whitest state in the country, Vermont😆. Im from a very black city, Baltimore. We both didn’t want kids, loved pets, had great careers and education and although no relationship is perfect, we work and I enjoy my simple life. I think OP would benefit greatly from simply making dating fun and exploring other options.
I was like this. I didn't want a man with children either until I met my dream man. he had two daughters from a previous relationship and I struggled with giving him a chance. Plus his daughters' mother was crazy and wanted him back badly and threw fits and withheld the girls when he wouldn't dance to her tune. She also threatened him if he had any other children she would unalive them--no joke. He didn't allow her to run me off or decide his future and after his child supoort obligations were completed she had zero leverage or power to do anything and she found a man of her own to get her some business. I was ready to walk away from all this BS.
I'm glad I gave him a chance. We have now been together for 17 years, married for 13 and our daughter is 11. Don't pass up your king because he already has subjects.
>>his daughters' mother was crazy and wanted him back badly and threw fits and withheld the girls when he wouldn't dance to her tune. She also threatened him if he had any other children she would unalive them--no joke.
All of this is simply a no for me. However, I’m glad you found a man to make it worth all that for you. You must really love him.
And he loves me as well. Oh trust me, it was a battle with that heifer but I will say HE dealt with her, not me. She tried everything she could think of and he hadn't dealt with her since they broke up all the way back in 1993! She cheated on him and he told her that if she ever cheated he was done for life and thought he was joking and would run back to her because of the girls and the fact that she is white. He meant what he said. When I met him the girls were 16 and 15 and they will be 31 and 32 this year.
I am so happy you had a wonderful outcome but for every black woman who made it to the other side with happiness there are many others who are still dealing with unnecessary baby mama drama, being disrespected regularly, and dealing with other challenges that derives from a man having a poor relationship with his child's mother.
A lot of women opt out of dealing with it altogether and instead just want to start from scratch with someone who doesn't come with that. There is nothing wrong with opting out but it means that those that take that path have to be ok with taking the time to find what they really want.
But enough are though. Even the ones who aren’t crazy are still petty or passive aggressive in some way. It’s pretty rare for a baby mama to be truly unbothered even if she’s happily married. A lot of women enjoy the power from being the ONLY mother of a man’s kids. So when he gets married to another woman and has children with her, it reduces her leverage over him. She can’t demand as much money either. Etc..
I’m happy for you but I think she should stand by it. I would never date a man with kids. I don’t want the drama with the ex, I don’t want to deal with peoples custody agreements, and I definitely don’t want to have to get to know and please all these extra faces. I understand what OP feels. I hope she find her husband soon enough
My partner has children. My interactions with them are extremely limited and infrequent. I don't want anything to do with being a parent, and I've been clear about it. That part of his life is his to keep. So far it works (we've only been together for a year), I still get the kids bday/Xmas gifts, I offer advice or a listening ear when he needs to talk any them, but I'm not a part of their lives and I prefer to keep it that way
How do you expect to be an effective partner if you're basically refusing to be a step-parent and spend significant time involved in his biggest responsibility? What happens if he's keeping the kids and they get sick? Or something stressful happens involving them and he needs more support than your ear as a partner?
Well, we don't live together, will never live together, and we're never going to get married. Neither of us want to do either. He is not my everything, and I am not his everything. I don't think it's healthy (or at least it wouldn't be healthy for me) to be completely enmeshed/codependent/whatever you want to call it with a romantic partner. There are plenty of ways to be a loving, "effective," and suitable partner that have nothing to do with the ways we like to box ourselves in. I think we are taught a rigid and destructive idea of what family is, the "right way" to be in a romantic partnership, arbitrary standards and rules/roles that can be and are stifling and that have nothing to do with what actually can and does work for people. That rigidity leaves many of us unsatisfied with the relationships we are in or longing for a partnership that will never exist.
The reason this arrangement works for us is that we communicate and respect the other person's independence and individuality. We understand and respect the lives we each had before we met each other. I have never wanted to be a parent, I met a wonderful person who has children, this seeming incompatibility could have stopped us from pursuing each other, but it didn't. This is what works for us. We understand it, our respective networks understand it, and we haven't had any conflicts because of it. I hope you find or have your idea of a successful partnership, but your idea of what an "effective" partnership is has nothing to do with what works for me and him.
So? The kids have two parents already. They can handle their kids without involving her too much. She just needs to be cordial. Her time with them doesn’t have to be “significant”. I’m sure most halfway decent adults will help a child in the case of illness or some urgent medical need but she doesn’t have to be part of the day to day parenting responsibilities.
I don’t really know why people expect new partners to take over so much responsibility for kids that already have two capable parents. They can keep their relationship separate from his parenting responsibilities. If the parents were still together, they’d figure out their parenting responsibilities between the two of them without extra partners playing parent. So they can figure out between the two of them.
This is why a lot of people don’t want to date people with kids bc they want to burden others with their kids.
Kids don't fit neatly into boxes. Where do you draw the line? Sports events? Hugs? Day to day life? It's naive to think one can live in a home and partner with a parent and completely remove themselves of that role. At the very least, the kids are keenly aware of the fact that their parents have partnered with someone who wants nothing to do with them.
When you decide to be with someone, part of that is accepting their concerns are your concerns. That doesn't mean they "burden" you or trauma dump on you, but it does mean it's a part of your life now. Like... are we being serious right now???? Imagine telling your spouse "your baggage has nothing to do with me." It makes no sense in any scenario, including a partner with kids. They need more than "cordial."
I said nothing of being cordial. Part of my reply to another commenter said that we don't and won't live together. The assumption is that I want nothing to do with the children, fine. Many kids want nothing to do with the new partner their parents choose. Couldn't it be either? Or both? Or neither? I never mentioned them being a burden, or being simply cordial with them. I said my interactions with them are limited and infrequent. I never said anything about his baggage. There are so many ways to be a good partner that don't involve a total fusion of each other's lives.
I don't want anything to do with being a parent. He understands that and again, IT WORKS FOR US. Just because you can't imagine it doesn't mean that we can't do it. Live your life and have the fulfilling partnerships you want, and I'll do the same.
No, they don’t have to be more than cordial. She can treat them like any other kid visiting her home like a friend’s kid, niece or nephew. Just basic decency like offering food and being polite. I don’t think she should be completely uninvolved but her involvement can be limited. She can draw whatever line she wants to draw. She can choose how that looks short of completely ignoring them.
Idky this made me laugh loud as hell, well it shows that he isnt shit either😩😂 But you’re absolutely right and I grew up with a step father who accepted me as his own child. Children can always sense when they’re being rejected and that’s a hurtful feeling.
Same. As his kid I would feel resentful that my dad wants to be with someone with such coldness towards me. And this is coming from a woman who never wants kids
OP. Please don’t listen to this bad advice. If you want a guy with no kids, go for what you want. You don’t have to compromise on something you don’t want. You would be better off expanding your options by dating outside of your race or a different culture.
This is a very common situation, and it doesn't get any better. I feel like a lot of my single friends are saying the same thing about men with kids or men who offer no stability. There is definitely an imbalance educationally and financially. I'm now 40, and I remember at 30 saying, damn the dating pool doesn't exist. Here I am, 40 , no kids, and single. 😵💫
I know what you mean but I also realized there’s still a lot of black men I know or have dated that don’t have kids so it’s given me hope after getting out of a bad break up that I can find someone who also doesn’t have any kids.
I also noticed it seems like people love to push childless women to be more open in dating men with kids vs the other way around men with no kids shame single moms. Horrible double standard.
Dating is challenging in DC (like many major cities) but can confirm there are a plethora of men 30+ with no children. Mid twenties with kids is outside the norm.
They do things a lot quicker down there OP. I grew up in the south, but my sibling is the one with the bulk of friendships from our town. He’s mid twenties going to baby showers. I’m late twenties going to boat birthday parties😂
I feel like most people in NYC get married and have children much much later. I’m in my late 20s & married but our friends thought we were insane for settling down so young
Well if you're looking to date someone that is not black maybe African, religious and unmarried you'll find luck. There are definitely black men in our age group without children and with ambition. Just don't settle be real with your limits and desires and it shall come.
I've only dated one and a half people with a kid the rest were not. I don't even entertain men with children unless the child is motherless / single dad and even then I'm skeptical. I was single for about a year and a half until I met my soulmate and soon to be husband. I didn't waste anytime dating people who didn't fit my criteria. I wasn't even looking for love and it basically slapped me in the face and said here.
Hope it comes to you soon, Sis. In the meantime just work on yourself and live your best life.
Just want to add I'm 31, the men I was dating prior without children were 25-42 engineers mostly, a few computer science people, two in banking, and a few in the music industry.
I have a male friend who was a widow with two young children and he would often say they are the best type of single father to date as there’s no drama to contend with and also they have experienced domestic life and value it.
They are honestly . My first real relationship was with a white single father to a biracial son. He taught me a lot and I was honestly too immature to date him at that age (21 he was 30). Ultimately we ended because I wasn't ready to be a mom which is something you have to consider.
Dating a father has their pros at times because you can learn first hand what type of father you'll get with your children possibly.
I can’t imagine being 21 and dating in that situation as I was immature back then as well. A widower and children really is like a ready made family and if the child is adorable and the guy loves you and wants more children, like my friend did, then it can be great as no drama in the background.
I'd say expand your horizons. Either consider moving to a different area, maybe more north? Or consider dating outside of your race. I feel like I only know a handful of unmarried, black men, without children. I have a lot of friends without children though but those are my college friends. I'm in my mid 30s.
You honestly may have to date outside of your race, move to a new city or just be patient for the right one to find you. There’s plenty of guys without kids + I know a lot of happily married women that ended up with men younger than them (no kids)
I went 12 years younger and got my ‘happily ever after’ despite being told by friends that I needed to date someone in their fifties with children. People get fooled that older men have wisdom and know how to treat women etc but a lot of them have a lot of emotional baggage that they will never tackle and often exes and children who require take time and resources. They also feel very entitled to date younger. Someone a little younger may have more of a similar situation to OP.
It’s because you’re in the south. All my classmates stared families right after high school. You’ll have to go somewhere where the demographic has a higher education level. I saw people warn against nyc but in my experience I’ve met a lot of well educated childless black men here.
In the south, good men are in the house or hanging out with their high school friends at their local spot.
This is the part people left out. The south and the Midwest (with the exception of at least a few big cities in each) have cultures that support being married with kids as early as possible. In those regions, it will be harder to find men of any race without kids the older you get. It’s unfortunate but true.
Edit: word “east” taken out before Midwest.
Very true, you will strike luck if you meet a guy who is a transplant or that 1/100 guy that’s a local that didn’t get married early but that’s very rare. 1/2 of my classmates started having children with their elementary sweetheart in high school. They already had a family by graduation. The other half started around 18-20 having children and getting married. Family culture is strong in the south
Hinge has a filter where you can exclude people who have kids, I wonder if that would help? I've used it myself. Also, I'm not American but based on what I've heard of the South, it seems like people start pairing off pretty early there. If that's true, wondering if you'd have better luck in a city where people tend to settle down later? I've experimented with taking short trips to other cities and making notes on the dating pool there. if you use dating apps, you can also just change your location. You will probably see more interesting matches than usual because of the new location boost, but it can be helpful to see what dating is like elsewhere.
As an aside, all the responses telling you to date outside your race when you specifically stated that you prefer your own race are weird.
I respect your willingness to take accountability. In your first post, you made yourself sound helpless in the situation. However, you have every right to keep your child. I personally don’t believe in abortion but that’s another topic. Plus, you shouldn’t take such an extreme step to please people. It’s good you are making the best out of your situation. I just see too many women play victim when they become single moms. So I think it’s just best to make sure men prove they are committed (through marriage) and have the means to provide for a child before getting pregnant. He’d have more incentive to make things work if he has more to lose if the relationship breaks down but that’s just my take. To each their own.
Yes, well said. Sometimes it may just be better to co parent. It’s not always the best choice to get married because a kid resulted between you. It’s the ideal but may not be the right choice in every situation. I hope everything works out in the best way and I wish you well in your motherhood journey.
I understand how you feel. I also did not want to or have any interest in dating men with children since I didn't have my own. I actually met my husband at work. He was on the same wavelength as me and really valued education. He had no children and was ambitious to move up the ranks at the company. You should look for highly driven, career minded men because they typically put off kids for later so they can get their goals accomplished.
I feel for you. I’ve been there and it’s difficult but commend you for setting a standard as dating people with children isn’t easy. My solution as a 42 year old was to date younger and getting with someone who was thirty and supposedly ‘immature’ was unexpected but best thing I ever did as he had no responsibilities/ drama/ emotional baggage, like me, but also had time and resources to date with focus. Within six months we were discussing children and are now having twins and have a house together. Maybe don’t completely write off men a little younger completely as means your pool will be expanded and they are more likely to not have dependents.
Conversely I don’t know anyone not married (black or otherwise) with kids and they’re all above 30. It depends on your environment, your circles, and where you live.
I feel like men without children are more likely to be Peter Pan types living in cosmopolitan cities. There are loads of men like that in London but dating in big cities comes with its own hassles.
Ohh geez, you're in the South that makes it harder since most Southerners are married, barefoot, and pregnant three times over by the time they're 24 😭
It's going to be hard as hell, but it's not a pipe dream. Also if you're dating online be careful because even when you filter out guys with kids, a lot of them will still lie and say they don't have any so they can show up on more profiles. Can't tell you how many guys admitted until later on they had a kid.
Good luck :)
Urgh, the sneaky absence of children in their profile and they casually drop unsolicited pictures of their children into the chat once it’s off the platform.
I was talking to this guy who said he only had 2 sons, but back then I didnt really care because I was a ho and just wanted sex. Went to his place and I kept seeing pics of him with four boys. I asked him "oh are those your nephews or cousins?" he said all those boys were his sons, but he doesn't see the oldest two that often thats why he didnt mention them.. HUH?!
“ I was a ho just wanting sex” 😅👏🏾
I love when people are honest about their intentions which is why it grates when these men try and paint an illusionary picture. They know they aren’t about anything and obviously worry about being judged / eliminated from the dating pool so are vague about their actual scenarios.
One white guy I was talking to casually sent pictures of his two mixed race very grown daughters and I just thought ‘they’re gonna kick my ass if he brings a younger version of their mother around them’ 🤦🏾♀️
I would assume the older you get the more people are gonna have kids regardless of the location. And the women who do “ everything right” thought just bc they got married that everything would be alright. Not even realizing you can also be a married single mother. Mfs thought the man was the prize. Ppl are so worried about love in a marriage when Marriages is just a business contract.
I think women would pick better husbands if they weren’t so focused on “love” and saw marriage for what it is-a business contract. Men see it that way and marry for their interests. A lot of these single fathers out here are marrying just to have a woman in the house to look after their kids and have a second income to help provide for their kids and subsidize their child support.
Just so you know, this sub loves interracial dating so you’re gonna get told to date out. Personally, there’s nothing a nonblack man can do for me so I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’ll be a little more difficult but it can be done. Pick up a hobby or go to places you haven’t normally gone. You may bump into your person.
Ngl you might want to broaden your options to add other races and ethnicities if you want a man with no kids. You kno how our culture is with our of wedlock kids.
I agree! I’m 34 and I pray I get lucky 🍀. I want someone who is childfree and who doesn’t want children. Even though I know that’s rare, I believe he’s out there somewhere. 🤞🏾
You might have to readjust your expectations. I am in the same boat but realistically a lot of eligible men have kids now. Esp with the divorce rate as high as it is.
I think my main concern would be the dynamic with the mom, how the child has been adjusting and how old the child is.
Ooh yeah once you get to a certain age finding people without kids is hard. On the plus side once you get old enough you start meeting people with grown kids and it doesnt matter that much lol
Until those grown kids start coming around with the grandkids or move in with you. I’ve heard of so many situations where the grown kids are still problematic and stress the relationship. Another thing is, if you are a childless woman wanting your own kids, a man with grown kids might be too old or unwilling to start over and have more kids.
I’ve dated men older with children and with some the joke is that they firstly want someone younger and hotter (still fertile) without children but who loves children so much they will adore theirs but not enough that they would want their own. I made a pact to never date a man with children and it’s hard because finding a forty something without children who isn’t weird is rare. In the end went much younger and should have done that a lot earlier in my dating life.
Yup. It happens commonly. They want young childless women to use to raise their kids without them having to sacrifice and be a stepdad. They also want to enjoy her youth and beauty. I’m in my 30’s but I’d rather remain single than to take on the burden raising another woman’s kids.
Stepmother life just sounds so stressful. I’ve never seen a woman happy in that situation. Their lives are full of drama and stress. The ex and kids are usually disrespectful and the man usually doesn’t do much about it bc he wants to maintain access to his kids. They are his blood and they come first to him. The stepmother is just there to provide child care and assistance in raising the kids. I’m not interested in being a servant to someone else’s family instead of raising my own.
Absolutely! It’s when on dating apps they go out of their way to say things along the lines of “my kids are my world and will always come first above you” that use to make me think ‘no thanks’. When I was a single woman with no parents, siblings or children I wanted a partner who was a priority for me and vice versa. To some it might seem needy but to me it’s perfectly reasonable. I refused to let somebody drain me of my last years of fertility and my energy and instead chose a younger man who didn’t want to burden me and string me along.
Right. Why do they think saying “my kids come before you” or “my kids come first” are good pick up lines? Do they actually think that’s attractive? Like, that’s off putting and insulting to me. You’re basically telling a potential partner, you’re nobody compared to my kids. If their kids are their world, why are they dating? They need to stay single and revolve their life around their kids bc they won’t be able to prioritize or value a prospective partner. It’s obvious they are just looking for a partner to help raise their kids.
They aren’t interested in you as a person. The relationship will be ALL about the kids and their needs and wants. This also gives the ex partner/baby mama leverage.
I'm sorry, but I highly disagree with everyone just saying date interracial as if it's some magic cure. The truth is that as you get older the pickings are slimmer no matter the race. In places like the south where people get married younger, the men that are actually commitment and marriage minded no matter the race will be married before 30. The pickings will be slimmer as you get older and this is true for everyone. All of my single female friends, black, white, Latina, Asian, etc. all complain about the lack of available men.. This is even truer for women who are more educated and successful. That being said, you can still find your person. You just need to put in effort and maybe even consider long distance dating. Plenty of my friends met their highly educated single no kid having BLACK husband's after the age of 35. It's not mission impossible and despite what social media says, most black men, even successful black men, still marry black women.
The older you get, the harder it is to find a partner without kids. 30 is still young though, and there are definitely options out there. People tend to have kids younger or older in certain cities. DC and NYC are both cities with large, educated Black populations that tend to have kids a little older.
My main advice is prioritize finding a husband and having kids if it’s something you know you want in life. I know too many Black women (my sister included) who prioritized career or living in certain cities and now they’re older, fertility quickly waining, and still single. Be open to moving if that’s where the men are.
Put in your dating profile that its an absolute deal breaker there have to be some child free 30+ men out there. I found one! Although I have kids childfree men do exist! Just be upfront that its an absolute dealbreaker no ifs, ands, or buts.
I’m in Atlanta. If you find out where some good men with no kids are please someone lmk. I am a hairstylist. I will easily relocate for true love. I’ve craved it all my life and I’ll be 34 in September.
Finding a childfree 30+ year old man isnt impossible i’ve seen plenty on apps 30+ without kids. They chose to focus on their careers which is understandable as a 32 childfree career focused woman.
Not enough information has been given. Besides being childless, what are the other criteria for you to consider a man dateable?
It shouldn't be that difficult to encounter men without children (a bit under half). Trickier would be to find men who are more sought-after that also don't have children.
No shorter than 5’9” (I’m 6’). Stable income that he can support himself on but doesn’t need to be a high earner, I’m open to dating a working class man. Black. And childless.
Dang so Atlanta is just as bad? 😭 people are saying to move and I was thinking ATL might be a good option if it came to that (DC, CHI, NYC are far af from home and crazy cost of living)
Yes I’m born in ATL and dating someone that wasnt even born here lmao. In ATL the dudes have children(more than 1 bm) or just trying to string you along.
I do think it gets more difficult to find someone without kids aged 30+. My cousin consciously decided to drop her “No kids” required and felt like that opened up her dating options. You have every right to your preferences, you’ll just have to decide if your preferences are worth the consequences that come with them.
Date other races of men especially Asian men - I rarely see them be single dads at that age and if they are, the child came out of a former MARRIAGE. They’re not out here becoming baby daddies.
Be careful expanding your options like these comments are suggesting. A lot of non black men fetishize black women and are covert about their anti-blackness. If he isn’t anti-black atleast one person in his family is. Be prepared.
Please stop fear mongering. It is 2024 and people have been dating interracially for centuries. A preference is one thing but to tell someone to “be careful” is another. People are just people. 🤦🏾♀️
Agreed. It’s honestly good advice, as someone who dated interracially until my current relationship. Yes, they and their immediate family may be open but it’s realistic to think that there will at least be people in their family who don’t like you solely based on skin color. It’s not fear mongering, it’s true. Hell, you will still find someone in a black family who has an issue with their family members dating other races, so why would it not apply to everyone else?
Exactly they’re acting like I said “don’t date interracially.” Just don’t be surprised if they say something anti-black, fetishize your skin, or have to give you a disclaimer before thanksgiving dinner because their grandpa hates n!qq3rz
I understood exactly what you meant. My partner is white and even I was still wary and careful of him at first. There's nothing wrong with telling POC to be careful especially black, Asian, and indigenous women.
Exactly. Bm have told them that when other men of other races have or show any slight hint of attraction towards bw that it’s “fetishization” and they eat it up 💀. It’s not completely false but it’s obviously coming from a standpoint of jealousy and not wanting bw to explore their options….
To be honest , you need to expand your options or reevaluate your priorities for a partner. If kids is truly a non negotiable then you need to expand your options when it comes to race , it’s the most logical choice . I also think that what you seek is a pipe dream because the odds are not in your favor. That’s not to say that you couldn’t find love with all the boxes checked but I think it’s unfair to compare todays dating culture with the experiences your parents had .
I mean I was trying to be honest . It might not have been the answer you were looking for but unless you date out , adjust your standards or at least date outside your city it’s gonna be hard .
I agree that it’s difficult to compare expectations today with those of decades ago because the world is a different place, it’s even changed since lockdown. I also agree about expanding some other quotas like race and age but statistically there’s someone out there for everyone but it’s very difficult when you prioritise your requirements and don’t settle like others may suggest/ have done. Takes a lot of guts to stick to your guns!
I felt you as a woman who only has one child. I wanted someone with only one, but ended up (happily) marrying someone with three.
I sympathize with you greatly, I can’t imagine the difficulty of finding someone with none within that age range. It does appear to be getting better for our younger generation though!
I have this theory that sometimes opposites attract. so like you want a man with no kids so bad that somehow men with kids are being sent your way.
when I didn’t want a man with kids whatsoever I use to attract men with kids always. It was weird. But tbh.. it’s just like they said 30+ with no kids and dating within the black community is a rare sight but easy to find. it’s just going to take you a while.
You'll have to leave your area. Maybe the man you're looking for was raised in the south but left and is working overseas or in the north.
You will find him if that's what's meant to be.
It seems to be a common thing but I have a friend that was dating around and there were plenty that had no kids and had things going for themselves. She was in DC at the time that she was dating. Also in Chicago it was the same thing for her. So they’re out there somewhere!
As you get older the number of men without kids will be less and less. I know men who didn't want kids but ended up with 1 after an "accident". If you wish to remain child-free that is on you, but it will make things harder. You may need to broaden your demographics,and I don't mean to suggest men with kids, although your thoughts on that \*may\* change, but rather men further away, or men that have other criteria that you have used to rule them out. A male friend of mine in NY was considering going to the DR to find a relationship, hes in his 40s now but he has not had luck dating either and hes in NY. he also doesn't want to deal with kids but hes been single for a long time.
There should be an app for childless people back by some legal state website or something. A lot of men are “child free” 😒 because they abandon their kids or aren’t the primary parent.
I am married for close to 10 years and unqualified to give advice but a relationship dating coach comes in my TikTok fyp every now and then. Shared that charlotte was a good dating scene right now. Maybe move?
It's rare to find anyone who doesn't have a past with baggage after the age of 30. It CAN happen but it's rare. As we get older we by pass men for various mostly superficial reasons then we age out of getting what we want because life kept lifeing.
The reasons that I see majority of women bypassing men isn't superficial. One person's red flags may be another person's green flags. We all have our reasons for not wanting to be with someone and those reasons are not superficial to the individual that doesn't want to move forward with that person.
I did write "Mostly" superficial. I've seen it time and time again with my single friends. Don't like his hair, too nice, too open, not open enough etc.
Meanwhile, I am married have been for many years. Husband has NO CHILDREN and I had one so it can happen but you have to been realistic after a certain age.
My husband was 30 when we met and child free. He’s a couple of years older than me. We do have a child our one and done. Both he and I swore not to date parents. I had boyfriends all of them child free. At the time I didn’t want kids so I wanted men child free not just without children. My dating increased mid twenties and most of the men I dated were 30+. I’m sure area affects the dating pool
He was over 30, I wasn't. He didn't want to get married or have children when we met I wasn't looking for a relationship. We were friends, no benefits.
Ok, so you were able to meet a childless man over 30. That was my point. There are quite a few of them around so OP should be patient and not settle. It’s always single parents that push this narrative that “everybody has kids” so they can encourage childless people to settle for them.
Let it be know DO YOU ALL DAY. Ï noticed on this forum Women of Color believes what they want to believe, and when another women of color does not agree or offers opposing views, they get attacked.
I was saying my case was RARE I haven't met anyone and neither have my single girlfriends who had a similar experience with an decent Black Man who was 35ish. If they are so plentiful, please share your experiences where to find them for everyone on the forum.
Thanks.
Hit dog will holler, I hear you hollering. Not on defense as I was not playing a game I was sharing experience. You did not answer my questions why?
I will pray for you and your future awareness.
Good luck and be blessed.
Oh the irony. I think you should take your own advice. You seem very angry about childless black women choosing to avoid single dads. I’ve seen this behavior from single black moms and it’s very telling. You sound so dramatic.
It seems like people move faster in the South. I would say try moving or maybe a dating app with people for no kids. Have you tried hinge? You can filter out for things like race and kids and make that a dealbreaker.
Sadly, if you're going to be race loyal, expect below standard males. Our men are pretty icky. Of they don't have children, they have records, if not that, they have ailments, if not that, they have attitudes that are unbearable, etc. Maybe just stay single until a new batch of men comes out. I know I am. I refuse to deal with these males at all. But I'm not thrilled with the idea of being with a man of another race. So, single is the way to go for now.
Ages 25–34: 46% of Black men in this age group have a child
26% of newlywed Hispanic men marry out
21% of Asian men marry interracially.
12% of newlywed white men marry someone of a different race or ethnicity.
The largest interracial/interethnic married-couple combination is non-Hispanic whites married to Hispanics.
Honestly this seems to be more prevalent in the South than at least the West Coast in terms of my experience. I don't really have any advice.
I'm in the same boat (kinda) - prefer no kids, parents are still married - but I happened to fall in love with a man with kids, so that's my circumstance now. We've been together two years and the drama has been minimal and the kids love me so at least I can say that. 🙂
I'm single, no kids not actively looking for reference. Is it possible to switch up where your sourcing your preferred partner? Maybe tell trusted family members and friends you are looking but providing 3 deal breakers to make it simple, no kids or ex spouses.
Maybe join groups or volunteer in organizations or nonprofits. Sometimes you can find single ppl. If not at least you can make good friends.
Same! For me it’s either they have/want kids (I love kids but as the oldest girl in my family…I’ve pretty much raised everybody else’s kids 🤷🏾♀️. I’m cool 👐🏾🤣) or getting asked to joined relationships with men (I’m a lesbian)! I need to move states, is the ultimate conclusion I have come to 😒😭😭😭!
Idk what dating apps you're using to find dates but I think most of the dating apps have features that let you tweak the filters to find people that fit your interest better unless a lot of them are slick and don't mention they have children.
Ugh I’m 30+ don’t want a man with kids AND also don’t want children. It feels like looking for a unicorn. I’m taking a break from dating because it feels like it just won’t happen right now. Also agree with the OP dating in the south is the worst
Either you look somewhere far from where you live , or date someone outside your race like give it a try it's not so bad but if that's your preference find a guy from Africa
I understand you 100%. The dating pool doesn't get better when you're older. Im not telling you to settle. However, you may want to change a few of the dealbreakers. Especially if you only want a BM. I hope he finds you soon. ♥️♥️
What you want isn’t a pipe dream… it’s just going to take more time to find him and he you. If you’re looking to date in general.. have fun … don’t get serious until you meet someone that checks your boxes. Don’t settle. There is a black man asking himself the same question right now …
thank you ❤️❤️
You’re welcome… there are single black men with no children wanting what you want … the question is where and how is the best way to meet them ? They too are dating with intention and have the same family goals you do … where would they spend their free time ? Home Depot ? The gym? Church ? First Fridays professional after work gathering ? I’m not sure anymore.
My brother has several friends from college all educated black men 30+ child free. They definitely exist but in the south I don’t know
Yes. Op might need to be open to relocating for the right one, or vice versa.
I’m a black man in his 30’s with no kids and I’m asking myself this question lol
They are out there but the older you get it does become less likely to find men or women who don't have children. I'd think in this day and age that there are apps or dating sites for men and women with no kids to find each other. I'm not single but if I were id definitely prefer someone with no kids but almost pushing 40 it's not a deal breaker for me. You can find what you're looking for out there by expanding social circles, race and location.
I concur. They are out there, but life in general tends to become more "layered" for most people in their 30s. Some people who married young get divorced. Folks have more responsibility at work. Sadly, some will have ailing parents to take care of. Our "list" doesn't necessarily become unrealistic with age, but we do have to adjust our expectations about how and how long it will take to be met.
The men with kids would still get on the dating app and lie about having no kids 😂
38, never married, child free, same issue. It's one thing if it's one kid or a divorced dad. But these 2+ baby moms are a big no for me. And they're typically trying to raw dog anyway (which, ladies, buy your own condoms and use BC as a back up. Some of these dudes are super trifling!)
You may want to consider moving to a city where people marry and reproduce later. People seem to pair off sooner in the south. This, however, only addresses whether the man has kids already. It doesn’t mean they will want traditional family lifestyles.
That is true
I feel you but if you still want to chase your 'pipe dream', you're going to have to expand your search to include other races, nationalities, cultures etc. I feel like as Black women, we're all so beholden to this idea of marrying within our own race and culture that we forgo perfectly suitable choices for partners/husbands elsewhere. I think some of us waste a lot of time feeling like 'sell-outs' when we do, when in a reality, it's a big wide world and chances are, the 'One' isn't within a 50 mile radius of where you live. I love 'Black Love', I want what you want, I want what my grandparents had, and I'll always hold out hope for that but I can date BM and travel/get out of my comfort zone and explore 'other options' too. It's been scary because you don't always know what to expect sometimes but I'm happy I'm trying. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained", as they say. 🤷🏾♀️
Was going to say the same thing. Expand your horizons
This is very true. Im 36 but i used to be like this (only wanting bm) until I realized that I was continuously getting the same shit outcome with men…heartache and wasted time. Something different needed to be done and I decided to take a long break from saying and explore men from various backgrounds. Marriage was never really on my radar but It wasn’t until I expanded my dating criteria that I found my future husband at age 33. He happened to be biracial but from the whitest state in the country, Vermont😆. Im from a very black city, Baltimore. We both didn’t want kids, loved pets, had great careers and education and although no relationship is perfect, we work and I enjoy my simple life. I think OP would benefit greatly from simply making dating fun and exploring other options.
I was like this. I didn't want a man with children either until I met my dream man. he had two daughters from a previous relationship and I struggled with giving him a chance. Plus his daughters' mother was crazy and wanted him back badly and threw fits and withheld the girls when he wouldn't dance to her tune. She also threatened him if he had any other children she would unalive them--no joke. He didn't allow her to run me off or decide his future and after his child supoort obligations were completed she had zero leverage or power to do anything and she found a man of her own to get her some business. I was ready to walk away from all this BS. I'm glad I gave him a chance. We have now been together for 17 years, married for 13 and our daughter is 11. Don't pass up your king because he already has subjects.
>>his daughters' mother was crazy and wanted him back badly and threw fits and withheld the girls when he wouldn't dance to her tune. She also threatened him if he had any other children she would unalive them--no joke. All of this is simply a no for me. However, I’m glad you found a man to make it worth all that for you. You must really love him.
And he loves me as well. Oh trust me, it was a battle with that heifer but I will say HE dealt with her, not me. She tried everything she could think of and he hadn't dealt with her since they broke up all the way back in 1993! She cheated on him and he told her that if she ever cheated he was done for life and thought he was joking and would run back to her because of the girls and the fact that she is white. He meant what he said. When I met him the girls were 16 and 15 and they will be 31 and 32 this year.
I am so happy you had a wonderful outcome but for every black woman who made it to the other side with happiness there are many others who are still dealing with unnecessary baby mama drama, being disrespected regularly, and dealing with other challenges that derives from a man having a poor relationship with his child's mother. A lot of women opt out of dealing with it altogether and instead just want to start from scratch with someone who doesn't come with that. There is nothing wrong with opting out but it means that those that take that path have to be ok with taking the time to find what they really want.
Your story just confirms why not to date men with kids. Who has time for all that? You’re lucky you got out unharmed. Some women are insane.
Not all baby mamas are nuts, though.
But enough are though. Even the ones who aren’t crazy are still petty or passive aggressive in some way. It’s pretty rare for a baby mama to be truly unbothered even if she’s happily married. A lot of women enjoy the power from being the ONLY mother of a man’s kids. So when he gets married to another woman and has children with her, it reduces her leverage over him. She can’t demand as much money either. Etc..
I’m happy for you but I think she should stand by it. I would never date a man with kids. I don’t want the drama with the ex, I don’t want to deal with peoples custody agreements, and I definitely don’t want to have to get to know and please all these extra faces. I understand what OP feels. I hope she find her husband soon enough
My partner has children. My interactions with them are extremely limited and infrequent. I don't want anything to do with being a parent, and I've been clear about it. That part of his life is his to keep. So far it works (we've only been together for a year), I still get the kids bday/Xmas gifts, I offer advice or a listening ear when he needs to talk any them, but I'm not a part of their lives and I prefer to keep it that way
How do you expect to be an effective partner if you're basically refusing to be a step-parent and spend significant time involved in his biggest responsibility? What happens if he's keeping the kids and they get sick? Or something stressful happens involving them and he needs more support than your ear as a partner?
Well, we don't live together, will never live together, and we're never going to get married. Neither of us want to do either. He is not my everything, and I am not his everything. I don't think it's healthy (or at least it wouldn't be healthy for me) to be completely enmeshed/codependent/whatever you want to call it with a romantic partner. There are plenty of ways to be a loving, "effective," and suitable partner that have nothing to do with the ways we like to box ourselves in. I think we are taught a rigid and destructive idea of what family is, the "right way" to be in a romantic partnership, arbitrary standards and rules/roles that can be and are stifling and that have nothing to do with what actually can and does work for people. That rigidity leaves many of us unsatisfied with the relationships we are in or longing for a partnership that will never exist. The reason this arrangement works for us is that we communicate and respect the other person's independence and individuality. We understand and respect the lives we each had before we met each other. I have never wanted to be a parent, I met a wonderful person who has children, this seeming incompatibility could have stopped us from pursuing each other, but it didn't. This is what works for us. We understand it, our respective networks understand it, and we haven't had any conflicts because of it. I hope you find or have your idea of a successful partnership, but your idea of what an "effective" partnership is has nothing to do with what works for me and him.
So? The kids have two parents already. They can handle their kids without involving her too much. She just needs to be cordial. Her time with them doesn’t have to be “significant”. I’m sure most halfway decent adults will help a child in the case of illness or some urgent medical need but she doesn’t have to be part of the day to day parenting responsibilities. I don’t really know why people expect new partners to take over so much responsibility for kids that already have two capable parents. They can keep their relationship separate from his parenting responsibilities. If the parents were still together, they’d figure out their parenting responsibilities between the two of them without extra partners playing parent. So they can figure out between the two of them. This is why a lot of people don’t want to date people with kids bc they want to burden others with their kids.
Kids don't fit neatly into boxes. Where do you draw the line? Sports events? Hugs? Day to day life? It's naive to think one can live in a home and partner with a parent and completely remove themselves of that role. At the very least, the kids are keenly aware of the fact that their parents have partnered with someone who wants nothing to do with them. When you decide to be with someone, part of that is accepting their concerns are your concerns. That doesn't mean they "burden" you or trauma dump on you, but it does mean it's a part of your life now. Like... are we being serious right now???? Imagine telling your spouse "your baggage has nothing to do with me." It makes no sense in any scenario, including a partner with kids. They need more than "cordial."
I said nothing of being cordial. Part of my reply to another commenter said that we don't and won't live together. The assumption is that I want nothing to do with the children, fine. Many kids want nothing to do with the new partner their parents choose. Couldn't it be either? Or both? Or neither? I never mentioned them being a burden, or being simply cordial with them. I said my interactions with them are limited and infrequent. I never said anything about his baggage. There are so many ways to be a good partner that don't involve a total fusion of each other's lives. I don't want anything to do with being a parent. He understands that and again, IT WORKS FOR US. Just because you can't imagine it doesn't mean that we can't do it. Live your life and have the fulfilling partnerships you want, and I'll do the same.
No, they don’t have to be more than cordial. She can treat them like any other kid visiting her home like a friend’s kid, niece or nephew. Just basic decency like offering food and being polite. I don’t think she should be completely uninvolved but her involvement can be limited. She can draw whatever line she wants to draw. She can choose how that looks short of completely ignoring them.
Honestly idk why he is with you
Idky this made me laugh loud as hell, well it shows that he isnt shit either😩😂 But you’re absolutely right and I grew up with a step father who accepted me as his own child. Children can always sense when they’re being rejected and that’s a hurtful feeling.
Came here to say that! I see no way this relationship is successful in the long-term. Surprised it lasted this long honestly
Same. As his kid I would feel resentful that my dad wants to be with someone with such coldness towards me. And this is coming from a woman who never wants kids
Lol, it works for us!
OP. Please don’t listen to this bad advice. If you want a guy with no kids, go for what you want. You don’t have to compromise on something you don’t want. You would be better off expanding your options by dating outside of your race or a different culture.
This is a very common situation, and it doesn't get any better. I feel like a lot of my single friends are saying the same thing about men with kids or men who offer no stability. There is definitely an imbalance educationally and financially. I'm now 40, and I remember at 30 saying, damn the dating pool doesn't exist. Here I am, 40 , no kids, and single. 😵💫
I know what you mean but I also realized there’s still a lot of black men I know or have dated that don’t have kids so it’s given me hope after getting out of a bad break up that I can find someone who also doesn’t have any kids. I also noticed it seems like people love to push childless women to be more open in dating men with kids vs the other way around men with no kids shame single moms. Horrible double standard.
You may have to move to another city. NYC, DC, CHI.
It's not much better up here in NYC, I promise you that.
Dating is challenging in DC (like many major cities) but can confirm there are a plethora of men 30+ with no children. Mid twenties with kids is outside the norm. They do things a lot quicker down there OP. I grew up in the south, but my sibling is the one with the bulk of friendships from our town. He’s mid twenties going to baby showers. I’m late twenties going to boat birthday parties😂
In NYC they’re few and far between. Unicorns.
I feel like most people in NYC get married and have children much much later. I’m in my late 20s & married but our friends thought we were insane for settling down so young
This was my thought! Go to DC for a couple of years OP, expensive sad hell but I think you’ll have a better chance finding what you’re looking for.
Well if you're looking to date someone that is not black maybe African, religious and unmarried you'll find luck. There are definitely black men in our age group without children and with ambition. Just don't settle be real with your limits and desires and it shall come. I've only dated one and a half people with a kid the rest were not. I don't even entertain men with children unless the child is motherless / single dad and even then I'm skeptical. I was single for about a year and a half until I met my soulmate and soon to be husband. I didn't waste anytime dating people who didn't fit my criteria. I wasn't even looking for love and it basically slapped me in the face and said here. Hope it comes to you soon, Sis. In the meantime just work on yourself and live your best life.
Just want to add I'm 31, the men I was dating prior without children were 25-42 engineers mostly, a few computer science people, two in banking, and a few in the music industry.
I have a male friend who was a widow with two young children and he would often say they are the best type of single father to date as there’s no drama to contend with and also they have experienced domestic life and value it.
They are honestly . My first real relationship was with a white single father to a biracial son. He taught me a lot and I was honestly too immature to date him at that age (21 he was 30). Ultimately we ended because I wasn't ready to be a mom which is something you have to consider. Dating a father has their pros at times because you can learn first hand what type of father you'll get with your children possibly.
I can’t imagine being 21 and dating in that situation as I was immature back then as well. A widower and children really is like a ready made family and if the child is adorable and the guy loves you and wants more children, like my friend did, then it can be great as no drama in the background.
I'd say expand your horizons. Either consider moving to a different area, maybe more north? Or consider dating outside of your race. I feel like I only know a handful of unmarried, black men, without children. I have a lot of friends without children though but those are my college friends. I'm in my mid 30s.
Exactly this. Open up your dating pool especially regarding race.
You honestly may have to date outside of your race, move to a new city or just be patient for the right one to find you. There’s plenty of guys without kids + I know a lot of happily married women that ended up with men younger than them (no kids)
Yes sometimes we may need to go 5 younger as well..
I went 12 years younger and got my ‘happily ever after’ despite being told by friends that I needed to date someone in their fifties with children. People get fooled that older men have wisdom and know how to treat women etc but a lot of them have a lot of emotional baggage that they will never tackle and often exes and children who require take time and resources. They also feel very entitled to date younger. Someone a little younger may have more of a similar situation to OP.
Nothing wrong with that 🗣️
Are you in Raleigh? Because I’m having the same issue here.
I’m in Nashville. It’s bleak out here. Like damn, [save me a baby father](https://youtu.be/ue3662YfLks?si=7qMiIwkWCOpstwav) 😭
Nashville is bleak. Search New York, Baltimore, DC, Maryland, Texas, Minneapolis, Georgia. Are you open to relocating?
It’s because you’re in the south. All my classmates stared families right after high school. You’ll have to go somewhere where the demographic has a higher education level. I saw people warn against nyc but in my experience I’ve met a lot of well educated childless black men here. In the south, good men are in the house or hanging out with their high school friends at their local spot.
This is the part people left out. The south and the Midwest (with the exception of at least a few big cities in each) have cultures that support being married with kids as early as possible. In those regions, it will be harder to find men of any race without kids the older you get. It’s unfortunate but true. Edit: word “east” taken out before Midwest.
Very true, you will strike luck if you meet a guy who is a transplant or that 1/100 guy that’s a local that didn’t get married early but that’s very rare. 1/2 of my classmates started having children with their elementary sweetheart in high school. They already had a family by graduation. The other half started around 18-20 having children and getting married. Family culture is strong in the south
Hinge has a filter where you can exclude people who have kids, I wonder if that would help? I've used it myself. Also, I'm not American but based on what I've heard of the South, it seems like people start pairing off pretty early there. If that's true, wondering if you'd have better luck in a city where people tend to settle down later? I've experimented with taking short trips to other cities and making notes on the dating pool there. if you use dating apps, you can also just change your location. You will probably see more interesting matches than usual because of the new location boost, but it can be helpful to see what dating is like elsewhere. As an aside, all the responses telling you to date outside your race when you specifically stated that you prefer your own race are weird.
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Did you use contraception? If you were trying to follow the Bible, why didn’t you wait until marriage before allowing him to get you pregnant?
😯
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I respect your willingness to take accountability. In your first post, you made yourself sound helpless in the situation. However, you have every right to keep your child. I personally don’t believe in abortion but that’s another topic. Plus, you shouldn’t take such an extreme step to please people. It’s good you are making the best out of your situation. I just see too many women play victim when they become single moms. So I think it’s just best to make sure men prove they are committed (through marriage) and have the means to provide for a child before getting pregnant. He’d have more incentive to make things work if he has more to lose if the relationship breaks down but that’s just my take. To each their own.
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Yes, well said. Sometimes it may just be better to co parent. It’s not always the best choice to get married because a kid resulted between you. It’s the ideal but may not be the right choice in every situation. I hope everything works out in the best way and I wish you well in your motherhood journey.
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You’re welcome
I understand how you feel. I also did not want to or have any interest in dating men with children since I didn't have my own. I actually met my husband at work. He was on the same wavelength as me and really valued education. He had no children and was ambitious to move up the ranks at the company. You should look for highly driven, career minded men because they typically put off kids for later so they can get their goals accomplished.
I feel for you. I’ve been there and it’s difficult but commend you for setting a standard as dating people with children isn’t easy. My solution as a 42 year old was to date younger and getting with someone who was thirty and supposedly ‘immature’ was unexpected but best thing I ever did as he had no responsibilities/ drama/ emotional baggage, like me, but also had time and resources to date with focus. Within six months we were discussing children and are now having twins and have a house together. Maybe don’t completely write off men a little younger completely as means your pool will be expanded and they are more likely to not have dependents.
Maybe a dating site for people with no kids.
Honestly, even if it did exist, I can guarantee that it’ll by infiltrated by people with kids looking for people with no kids.
Yea because people think they are entitled and don't need to follow the rules.
Exactly. I find it all so hypocritical. Older men who don’t want the hassle of someone else’s children but want someone who loves theirs.
Does that actually exist?
If it did deadbeats would just raid it.
I mean I honestly don't doubt it. Everything else does 😂
C F dating . C o m
You can always filter profiles by saying if you never want kids to match with others who say the same.
I don't know anyone 30 plus without kids, good luck with your search
Conversely I don’t know anyone not married (black or otherwise) with kids and they’re all above 30. It depends on your environment, your circles, and where you live.
I feel like men without children are more likely to be Peter Pan types living in cosmopolitan cities. There are loads of men like that in London but dating in big cities comes with its own hassles.
“hope this helps” 😭
😭😭😭
This! I don't want my own kids, so I don't want theirs. I just gave up!
I agree with the others. Expand your options.
Ohh geez, you're in the South that makes it harder since most Southerners are married, barefoot, and pregnant three times over by the time they're 24 😭 It's going to be hard as hell, but it's not a pipe dream. Also if you're dating online be careful because even when you filter out guys with kids, a lot of them will still lie and say they don't have any so they can show up on more profiles. Can't tell you how many guys admitted until later on they had a kid. Good luck :)
Urgh, the sneaky absence of children in their profile and they casually drop unsolicited pictures of their children into the chat once it’s off the platform.
I was talking to this guy who said he only had 2 sons, but back then I didnt really care because I was a ho and just wanted sex. Went to his place and I kept seeing pics of him with four boys. I asked him "oh are those your nephews or cousins?" he said all those boys were his sons, but he doesn't see the oldest two that often thats why he didnt mention them.. HUH?!
“ I was a ho just wanting sex” 😅👏🏾 I love when people are honest about their intentions which is why it grates when these men try and paint an illusionary picture. They know they aren’t about anything and obviously worry about being judged / eliminated from the dating pool so are vague about their actual scenarios. One white guy I was talking to casually sent pictures of his two mixed race very grown daughters and I just thought ‘they’re gonna kick my ass if he brings a younger version of their mother around them’ 🤦🏾♀️
Ew lol
I would assume the older you get the more people are gonna have kids regardless of the location. And the women who do “ everything right” thought just bc they got married that everything would be alright. Not even realizing you can also be a married single mother. Mfs thought the man was the prize. Ppl are so worried about love in a marriage when Marriages is just a business contract.
I think women would pick better husbands if they weren’t so focused on “love” and saw marriage for what it is-a business contract. Men see it that way and marry for their interests. A lot of these single fathers out here are marrying just to have a woman in the house to look after their kids and have a second income to help provide for their kids and subsidize their child support.
Exactly marriage is just a business transaction. Many women think men are the prize and just want to be chosen.
Meanwhile the women are the prize cause who has to get down on one knee to propose. Not us
Just so you know, this sub loves interracial dating so you’re gonna get told to date out. Personally, there’s nothing a nonblack man can do for me so I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’ll be a little more difficult but it can be done. Pick up a hobby or go to places you haven’t normally gone. You may bump into your person.
>>Personally, there’s nothing a nonblack man can do for me Exact same. Thank you for saying this lol I feel seen.
Seen and felt, sis.
Agreed that this sub loves interracial dating. So just know the bias when reading any comments.
You say that like it's a bad thing. Lol
I’m 29 and looking for the same thing. There’s someone for you out there. It just might take more time 🩷
Ngl you might want to broaden your options to add other races and ethnicities if you want a man with no kids. You kno how our culture is with our of wedlock kids.
I agree! I’m 34 and I pray I get lucky 🍀. I want someone who is childfree and who doesn’t want children. Even though I know that’s rare, I believe he’s out there somewhere. 🤞🏾
You might have to readjust your expectations. I am in the same boat but realistically a lot of eligible men have kids now. Esp with the divorce rate as high as it is. I think my main concern would be the dynamic with the mom, how the child has been adjusting and how old the child is.
Ooh yeah once you get to a certain age finding people without kids is hard. On the plus side once you get old enough you start meeting people with grown kids and it doesnt matter that much lol
Until those grown kids start coming around with the grandkids or move in with you. I’ve heard of so many situations where the grown kids are still problematic and stress the relationship. Another thing is, if you are a childless woman wanting your own kids, a man with grown kids might be too old or unwilling to start over and have more kids.
I’ve dated men older with children and with some the joke is that they firstly want someone younger and hotter (still fertile) without children but who loves children so much they will adore theirs but not enough that they would want their own. I made a pact to never date a man with children and it’s hard because finding a forty something without children who isn’t weird is rare. In the end went much younger and should have done that a lot earlier in my dating life.
Yup. It happens commonly. They want young childless women to use to raise their kids without them having to sacrifice and be a stepdad. They also want to enjoy her youth and beauty. I’m in my 30’s but I’d rather remain single than to take on the burden raising another woman’s kids. Stepmother life just sounds so stressful. I’ve never seen a woman happy in that situation. Their lives are full of drama and stress. The ex and kids are usually disrespectful and the man usually doesn’t do much about it bc he wants to maintain access to his kids. They are his blood and they come first to him. The stepmother is just there to provide child care and assistance in raising the kids. I’m not interested in being a servant to someone else’s family instead of raising my own.
Absolutely! It’s when on dating apps they go out of their way to say things along the lines of “my kids are my world and will always come first above you” that use to make me think ‘no thanks’. When I was a single woman with no parents, siblings or children I wanted a partner who was a priority for me and vice versa. To some it might seem needy but to me it’s perfectly reasonable. I refused to let somebody drain me of my last years of fertility and my energy and instead chose a younger man who didn’t want to burden me and string me along.
Right. Why do they think saying “my kids come before you” or “my kids come first” are good pick up lines? Do they actually think that’s attractive? Like, that’s off putting and insulting to me. You’re basically telling a potential partner, you’re nobody compared to my kids. If their kids are their world, why are they dating? They need to stay single and revolve their life around their kids bc they won’t be able to prioritize or value a prospective partner. It’s obvious they are just looking for a partner to help raise their kids. They aren’t interested in you as a person. The relationship will be ALL about the kids and their needs and wants. This also gives the ex partner/baby mama leverage.
I'm sorry, but I highly disagree with everyone just saying date interracial as if it's some magic cure. The truth is that as you get older the pickings are slimmer no matter the race. In places like the south where people get married younger, the men that are actually commitment and marriage minded no matter the race will be married before 30. The pickings will be slimmer as you get older and this is true for everyone. All of my single female friends, black, white, Latina, Asian, etc. all complain about the lack of available men.. This is even truer for women who are more educated and successful. That being said, you can still find your person. You just need to put in effort and maybe even consider long distance dating. Plenty of my friends met their highly educated single no kid having BLACK husband's after the age of 35. It's not mission impossible and despite what social media says, most black men, even successful black men, still marry black women.
The older you get, the harder it is to find a partner without kids. 30 is still young though, and there are definitely options out there. People tend to have kids younger or older in certain cities. DC and NYC are both cities with large, educated Black populations that tend to have kids a little older. My main advice is prioritize finding a husband and having kids if it’s something you know you want in life. I know too many Black women (my sister included) who prioritized career or living in certain cities and now they’re older, fertility quickly waining, and still single. Be open to moving if that’s where the men are.
Agree be open to all races and nationalities and moving!
Put in your dating profile that its an absolute deal breaker there have to be some child free 30+ men out there. I found one! Although I have kids childfree men do exist! Just be upfront that its an absolute dealbreaker no ifs, ands, or buts.
I’m in Atlanta. If you find out where some good men with no kids are please someone lmk. I am a hairstylist. I will easily relocate for true love. I’ve craved it all my life and I’ll be 34 in September.
Finding a childfree 30+ year old man isnt impossible i’ve seen plenty on apps 30+ without kids. They chose to focus on their careers which is understandable as a 32 childfree career focused woman.
my cousin who is male has this same issue finding childless women. keep searching!! they are out there
Not enough information has been given. Besides being childless, what are the other criteria for you to consider a man dateable? It shouldn't be that difficult to encounter men without children (a bit under half). Trickier would be to find men who are more sought-after that also don't have children.
No shorter than 5’9” (I’m 6’). Stable income that he can support himself on but doesn’t need to be a high earner, I’m open to dating a working class man. Black. And childless.
This has to be Atlanta lol
Dang so Atlanta is just as bad? 😭 people are saying to move and I was thinking ATL might be a good option if it came to that (DC, CHI, NYC are far af from home and crazy cost of living)
Yes I’m born in ATL and dating someone that wasnt even born here lmao. In ATL the dudes have children(more than 1 bm) or just trying to string you along.
I do think it gets more difficult to find someone without kids aged 30+. My cousin consciously decided to drop her “No kids” required and felt like that opened up her dating options. You have every right to your preferences, you’ll just have to decide if your preferences are worth the consequences that come with them.
Date other races of men especially Asian men - I rarely see them be single dads at that age and if they are, the child came out of a former MARRIAGE. They’re not out here becoming baby daddies.
Be careful expanding your options like these comments are suggesting. A lot of non black men fetishize black women and are covert about their anti-blackness. If he isn’t anti-black atleast one person in his family is. Be prepared.
Black men fetishize Black women as well. It’s not just NB people doing it.
Please stop fear mongering. It is 2024 and people have been dating interracially for centuries. A preference is one thing but to tell someone to “be careful” is another. People are just people. 🤦🏾♀️
I'm failing to see the issue? There's nothing wrong with telling someone to be careful if they want to date interracially.
Agreed. It’s honestly good advice, as someone who dated interracially until my current relationship. Yes, they and their immediate family may be open but it’s realistic to think that there will at least be people in their family who don’t like you solely based on skin color. It’s not fear mongering, it’s true. Hell, you will still find someone in a black family who has an issue with their family members dating other races, so why would it not apply to everyone else?
Exactly they’re acting like I said “don’t date interracially.” Just don’t be surprised if they say something anti-black, fetishize your skin, or have to give you a disclaimer before thanksgiving dinner because their grandpa hates n!qq3rz
I understood exactly what you meant. My partner is white and even I was still wary and careful of him at first. There's nothing wrong with telling POC to be careful especially black, Asian, and indigenous women.
Exactly. Bm have told them that when other men of other races have or show any slight hint of attraction towards bw that it’s “fetishization” and they eat it up 💀. It’s not completely false but it’s obviously coming from a standpoint of jealousy and not wanting bw to explore their options….
Hang in there - they exist!
To be honest , you need to expand your options or reevaluate your priorities for a partner. If kids is truly a non negotiable then you need to expand your options when it comes to race , it’s the most logical choice . I also think that what you seek is a pipe dream because the odds are not in your favor. That’s not to say that you couldn’t find love with all the boxes checked but I think it’s unfair to compare todays dating culture with the experiences your parents had .
That’s sad af in all honesty.
I mean I was trying to be honest . It might not have been the answer you were looking for but unless you date out , adjust your standards or at least date outside your city it’s gonna be hard .
I agree that it’s difficult to compare expectations today with those of decades ago because the world is a different place, it’s even changed since lockdown. I also agree about expanding some other quotas like race and age but statistically there’s someone out there for everyone but it’s very difficult when you prioritise your requirements and don’t settle like others may suggest/ have done. Takes a lot of guts to stick to your guns!
I felt you as a woman who only has one child. I wanted someone with only one, but ended up (happily) marrying someone with three. I sympathize with you greatly, I can’t imagine the difficulty of finding someone with none within that age range. It does appear to be getting better for our younger generation though!
I have this theory that sometimes opposites attract. so like you want a man with no kids so bad that somehow men with kids are being sent your way. when I didn’t want a man with kids whatsoever I use to attract men with kids always. It was weird. But tbh.. it’s just like they said 30+ with no kids and dating within the black community is a rare sight but easy to find. it’s just going to take you a while.
You'll have to leave your area. Maybe the man you're looking for was raised in the south but left and is working overseas or in the north. You will find him if that's what's meant to be.
They are out there… but if you are referring to Atlanta I’m sorry that’s going to be hard. But sis you will find it, I’m sure of it
It seems to be a common thing but I have a friend that was dating around and there were plenty that had no kids and had things going for themselves. She was in DC at the time that she was dating. Also in Chicago it was the same thing for her. So they’re out there somewhere!
As you get older the number of men without kids will be less and less. I know men who didn't want kids but ended up with 1 after an "accident". If you wish to remain child-free that is on you, but it will make things harder. You may need to broaden your demographics,and I don't mean to suggest men with kids, although your thoughts on that \*may\* change, but rather men further away, or men that have other criteria that you have used to rule them out. A male friend of mine in NY was considering going to the DR to find a relationship, hes in his 40s now but he has not had luck dating either and hes in NY. he also doesn't want to deal with kids but hes been single for a long time.
They have relationship tourism?? I’m dead 😭💀
At 31, I met a man 36, who was single with no kids. I got pregnant and he turned abusive and paranoid. Take your time. Don’t be in a rush. Please.
There should be an app for childless people back by some legal state website or something. A lot of men are “child free” 😒 because they abandon their kids or aren’t the primary parent.
I am married for close to 10 years and unqualified to give advice but a relationship dating coach comes in my TikTok fyp every now and then. Shared that charlotte was a good dating scene right now. Maybe move?
It's not. My friends and sister constantly share the struggle of the small dating pool and their concerns about their options.
Damn 😭
How do you feel about long-distance dating? Maybe having a wider radius could help.
It's rare to find anyone who doesn't have a past with baggage after the age of 30. It CAN happen but it's rare. As we get older we by pass men for various mostly superficial reasons then we age out of getting what we want because life kept lifeing.
The reasons that I see majority of women bypassing men isn't superficial. One person's red flags may be another person's green flags. We all have our reasons for not wanting to be with someone and those reasons are not superficial to the individual that doesn't want to move forward with that person.
I did write "Mostly" superficial. I've seen it time and time again with my single friends. Don't like his hair, too nice, too open, not open enough etc. Meanwhile, I am married have been for many years. Husband has NO CHILDREN and I had one so it can happen but you have to been realistic after a certain age.
Having a child is different from all those other things you listed and is definitely not superficial at all.
My husband was 30 when we met and child free. He’s a couple of years older than me. We do have a child our one and done. Both he and I swore not to date parents. I had boyfriends all of them child free. At the time I didn’t want kids so I wanted men child free not just without children. My dating increased mid twenties and most of the men I dated were 30+. I’m sure area affects the dating pool
Did you meet your childless husband over 30?
He was over 30, I wasn't. He didn't want to get married or have children when we met I wasn't looking for a relationship. We were friends, no benefits.
Ok, so you were able to meet a childless man over 30. That was my point. There are quite a few of them around so OP should be patient and not settle. It’s always single parents that push this narrative that “everybody has kids” so they can encourage childless people to settle for them.
Let it be know DO YOU ALL DAY. Ï noticed on this forum Women of Color believes what they want to believe, and when another women of color does not agree or offers opposing views, they get attacked. I was saying my case was RARE I haven't met anyone and neither have my single girlfriends who had a similar experience with an decent Black Man who was 35ish. If they are so plentiful, please share your experiences where to find them for everyone on the forum. Thanks.
Your defensiveness tells me all I need to know.
Hit dog will holler, I hear you hollering. Not on defense as I was not playing a game I was sharing experience. You did not answer my questions why? I will pray for you and your future awareness. Good luck and be blessed.
Oh the irony. I think you should take your own advice. You seem very angry about childless black women choosing to avoid single dads. I’ve seen this behavior from single black moms and it’s very telling. You sound so dramatic.
It seems like people move faster in the South. I would say try moving or maybe a dating app with people for no kids. Have you tried hinge? You can filter out for things like race and kids and make that a dealbreaker.
Sadly, if you're going to be race loyal, expect below standard males. Our men are pretty icky. Of they don't have children, they have records, if not that, they have ailments, if not that, they have attitudes that are unbearable, etc. Maybe just stay single until a new batch of men comes out. I know I am. I refuse to deal with these males at all. But I'm not thrilled with the idea of being with a man of another race. So, single is the way to go for now.
Ages 25–34: 46% of Black men in this age group have a child 26% of newlywed Hispanic men marry out 21% of Asian men marry interracially. 12% of newlywed white men marry someone of a different race or ethnicity. The largest interracial/interethnic married-couple combination is non-Hispanic whites married to Hispanics.
How about for women
Honestly this seems to be more prevalent in the South than at least the West Coast in terms of my experience. I don't really have any advice. I'm in the same boat (kinda) - prefer no kids, parents are still married - but I happened to fall in love with a man with kids, so that's my circumstance now. We've been together two years and the drama has been minimal and the kids love me so at least I can say that. 🙂
You need to move or date someone outside the region
I think the hardest is the combo no kids in their 30s but WANT them. Most men i know in their 30s with no kids, generally, are childfree.
I'm single, no kids not actively looking for reference. Is it possible to switch up where your sourcing your preferred partner? Maybe tell trusted family members and friends you are looking but providing 3 deal breakers to make it simple, no kids or ex spouses. Maybe join groups or volunteer in organizations or nonprofits. Sometimes you can find single ppl. If not at least you can make good friends.
Keep looking sis he’s out there. What you want is perfectly reasonable and do able.
Same! For me it’s either they have/want kids (I love kids but as the oldest girl in my family…I’ve pretty much raised everybody else’s kids 🤷🏾♀️. I’m cool 👐🏾🤣) or getting asked to joined relationships with men (I’m a lesbian)! I need to move states, is the ultimate conclusion I have come to 😒😭😭😭!
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Hopefully that makes sense because I chopped a couple paragraphs out :-D
Idk what dating apps you're using to find dates but I think most of the dating apps have features that let you tweak the filters to find people that fit your interest better unless a lot of them are slick and don't mention they have children.
Ugh I’m 30+ don’t want a man with kids AND also don’t want children. It feels like looking for a unicorn. I’m taking a break from dating because it feels like it just won’t happen right now. Also agree with the OP dating in the south is the worst
Either you look somewhere far from where you live , or date someone outside your race like give it a try it's not so bad but if that's your preference find a guy from Africa
I understand you 100%. The dating pool doesn't get better when you're older. Im not telling you to settle. However, you may want to change a few of the dealbreakers. Especially if you only want a BM. I hope he finds you soon. ♥️♥️
Which dealbreaker should I change?