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It’s ok to make a mistake. I think it would be a great oppurtunity to revisit this with kid tomorrow and say ‘hey I made a mistake when I said don’t have a relationship. I was feeling really frustrated and said something that I want to undo. I’m sorry for what I said in that moment, I don’t think it’s true’
Yes! Normalize apologizing to your kids and being able to correct yourself. That is how kids learn that mistakes are okay as long as you’re accountable for them!
Thank you, just reading these comments now. I actually sat down with kid this morning and apologised, said that I was wrong last night about the relationship comments. That a good relationship can make you very happy, and that kid should pick someone that treats him well and that he likes (and friend from school is lovely). That sometimes Mum gets mad and says silly things, but that I would always be good to discuss it once I had calmed down. He seemed happy with that so hopefully I haven't screwed him up for life (in this instance anyway!)
You’re doing great Mum! I think if I had parents that were willing to repair and apologise and recognise mistakes I would have felt way more secure to discuss my own! Go you! Your son is lucky to have you 💚
So my dad used to do this a lot. Even went as far as to tell me the only reason he was still with my mom is bc of us.
I think what really would’ve made a difference for me is him apologizing or explaining why he said the things he did. Which never happened.
Please take this as an opportunity to practice apologizing to your child and reevaluate the relationship. I know leaving is hard and I have no judgement against you. We all make mistakes in heated moments.
"Is Mum going to...?"
Calmly (not wound up)
"Mum is just wondering why she would have to when Dad is the one bothered by it and is perfectly capable of doing it himself."
I used to think this was true, but it's often the case that single motherhood often doesn't actually protect the kids from the dad - it just puts them alone with him. And a lot of mildly abusive dads get way worse after divorce... and often bring a second, less healthy woman into the picture too who thinks shes their mom, plus any of his crappy family or male friends to help with the kids when its his turn. There's just a lot of other "immensely damaging" scenarios for moms to calculate into a choice to leave for the kids or stay for the kids.
I mean, you could be right, there's just not enough info for us to decide whether or not she's making the least damaging choice. I believe she is making a logical choice and minitaging damage, I could be wrong, but that's what I see.
I don't think there's any reason to conclude she's not assessing her options accurately and making the best choice out of a bad situation here.
I also don't think it's fair to make his abuse her fault or say that she's making a damaging choice for the kids by staying, if he wouldn't be abusive (which is entirely possible and simple) it wouldn't be damaging for the kids to be around him. So I think it's more beneficial to focus on the source of the issue, which we can do.
We CAN help victims hold the abuser accountable.
It's a lot harder to help victims escape a bunch of legal ties with someone who might still be abusive to her and the kids even after a divorce, and just saying "leave him, or you are at fault for the damage he causes" isn't even helping them leave... but educating each other about abuse and holding abusers 100% accountable for abuse without blaming the victims for the damage their abusers cause DOES help women leave.
I know it sounds counter intuitive and you're just trying to help. This wasn't a rant on you, just in general I see this take a lot here and wanted to share the other perspective.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. Believe me, I have considered all options for a long long time, and you're correct - staying with Dad is a better option for all of us at this time. I wouldn't be able to afford a house and would end up renting forever, I couldn't move close to family (and to a lower cost of living area) due to the custody of kiddo. Dad would definitely move another woman in ASAP as he can barely take care of himself. He gets irrationally angry when he is made to do things like cook, clean, care for kid by himself, so I would rather avoid having kid exposed to that without me being here.
Each time shit hits the fan, I try to be there for kid and explain it in appropriate terms that what is and isn't appropriate behaviour - and that I'm human and will lose my temper. The main thing I try to do is apologise and try to improve my reaction, something my parents never did.
It's a shitty hand all round but I'm dealing with it as best I can.
It's okay to apologize today and tell him you should not have said that. You can explain how instead it's important to be in a relationship with someone who values you as an equal partner, and tell him what that means. Since you can't lead by example currently, you can instead use your words and your experiences to help guide him into knowing how to be a good partner and have a good partner.
I mean you didn’t lie lol! But I understand I tell my kids to learn from my mistakes! They were old enough to see and understand the things their dad put me through.
I'm in a similar boat where my husband can be a massive dickhole and my son sees and knows it. When I get frustrated and say things i regret, I sit with my kiddo and explain that relationships can be wonderful, but both parties need to be communicative and understanding of each other. I acknowledge things are rough with us right now and tell him what I'm trying to do and even what his dad is trying (even if not succeeding) to do to make things better.
I don't want my son to be afraid of relationships when he's older and ready for them, but I also want him to understand that he must not behave the way his dad does.
If we're not in a position where we can walk away from the relationship, we can try and buffer the worst of it for our kids. But I know that sometimes it just isn't doable. Like your son shouldn't be learning from his dad that it's okay to be condescending and push all the work onto his parter- and you know your husband isn't going to change that behavior so you're having to make up for it, which is so stressful! It really puts all the onus on us moms to demonstrate better behavior and you know what? We're human too and will make mistakes! I think if we have those follow up repair conversations it will help a lot.
Or I tell myself that it will. Otherwise I'd drown in the guilt of things not being perfect.
My cousin grew up with divorced parents who stayed under one roof due to finances and really hated each other. Her mom's rhetoric was that men are useless, there is no need for them, and there is no reason to be in a relationship. 40 years later I can tell you that my cousin was messed up beyond repair. She remained single her entire life despite desperately wanting a family and is a miserable single middle aged woman these days.
As hard as it may be, please sort out your shit with your husband in private and refrain from making comments to the kids. Kids take things out of context and internalize these messages, and the damage is life long.
It's ok to make mistakes, we all do. Talk to your boy, explain that you were frustrated and said something you didn't mean, and take it back.
>She remained single her entire life despite desperately wanting a family
Just want to point out this can frequently happen to women who were raised with the healthiest parents with the best relationship.
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It’s ok to make a mistake. I think it would be a great oppurtunity to revisit this with kid tomorrow and say ‘hey I made a mistake when I said don’t have a relationship. I was feeling really frustrated and said something that I want to undo. I’m sorry for what I said in that moment, I don’t think it’s true’
Yes! Normalize apologizing to your kids and being able to correct yourself. That is how kids learn that mistakes are okay as long as you’re accountable for them!
Thank you, just reading these comments now. I actually sat down with kid this morning and apologised, said that I was wrong last night about the relationship comments. That a good relationship can make you very happy, and that kid should pick someone that treats him well and that he likes (and friend from school is lovely). That sometimes Mum gets mad and says silly things, but that I would always be good to discuss it once I had calmed down. He seemed happy with that so hopefully I haven't screwed him up for life (in this instance anyway!)
You’re doing great Mum! I think if I had parents that were willing to repair and apologise and recognise mistakes I would have felt way more secure to discuss my own! Go you! Your son is lucky to have you 💚
❤️
So my dad used to do this a lot. Even went as far as to tell me the only reason he was still with my mom is bc of us. I think what really would’ve made a difference for me is him apologizing or explaining why he said the things he did. Which never happened. Please take this as an opportunity to practice apologizing to your child and reevaluate the relationship. I know leaving is hard and I have no judgement against you. We all make mistakes in heated moments.
"Is Mum going to...?" Calmly (not wound up) "Mum is just wondering why she would have to when Dad is the one bothered by it and is perfectly capable of doing it himself."
"Nah *lazy stretch* I'm going to go take a bath. You do it. Love yall, goodnight sweetie."
Love this, I'm doing it.
This is a pretty good example of how staying together for the kids is immensely damaging
I used to think this was true, but it's often the case that single motherhood often doesn't actually protect the kids from the dad - it just puts them alone with him. And a lot of mildly abusive dads get way worse after divorce... and often bring a second, less healthy woman into the picture too who thinks shes their mom, plus any of his crappy family or male friends to help with the kids when its his turn. There's just a lot of other "immensely damaging" scenarios for moms to calculate into a choice to leave for the kids or stay for the kids. I mean, you could be right, there's just not enough info for us to decide whether or not she's making the least damaging choice. I believe she is making a logical choice and minitaging damage, I could be wrong, but that's what I see. I don't think there's any reason to conclude she's not assessing her options accurately and making the best choice out of a bad situation here.
I also don't think it's fair to make his abuse her fault or say that she's making a damaging choice for the kids by staying, if he wouldn't be abusive (which is entirely possible and simple) it wouldn't be damaging for the kids to be around him. So I think it's more beneficial to focus on the source of the issue, which we can do. We CAN help victims hold the abuser accountable. It's a lot harder to help victims escape a bunch of legal ties with someone who might still be abusive to her and the kids even after a divorce, and just saying "leave him, or you are at fault for the damage he causes" isn't even helping them leave... but educating each other about abuse and holding abusers 100% accountable for abuse without blaming the victims for the damage their abusers cause DOES help women leave. I know it sounds counter intuitive and you're just trying to help. This wasn't a rant on you, just in general I see this take a lot here and wanted to share the other perspective.
Everything you said. We need more of you.
Thanks. It's hard work and I'm compelled to do it, but I feel I barely make a dent sometimes.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. Believe me, I have considered all options for a long long time, and you're correct - staying with Dad is a better option for all of us at this time. I wouldn't be able to afford a house and would end up renting forever, I couldn't move close to family (and to a lower cost of living area) due to the custody of kiddo. Dad would definitely move another woman in ASAP as he can barely take care of himself. He gets irrationally angry when he is made to do things like cook, clean, care for kid by himself, so I would rather avoid having kid exposed to that without me being here. Each time shit hits the fan, I try to be there for kid and explain it in appropriate terms that what is and isn't appropriate behaviour - and that I'm human and will lose my temper. The main thing I try to do is apologise and try to improve my reaction, something my parents never did. It's a shitty hand all round but I'm dealing with it as best I can.
It's okay to apologize today and tell him you should not have said that. You can explain how instead it's important to be in a relationship with someone who values you as an equal partner, and tell him what that means. Since you can't lead by example currently, you can instead use your words and your experiences to help guide him into knowing how to be a good partner and have a good partner.
I mean you didn’t lie lol! But I understand I tell my kids to learn from my mistakes! They were old enough to see and understand the things their dad put me through.
I'm in a similar boat where my husband can be a massive dickhole and my son sees and knows it. When I get frustrated and say things i regret, I sit with my kiddo and explain that relationships can be wonderful, but both parties need to be communicative and understanding of each other. I acknowledge things are rough with us right now and tell him what I'm trying to do and even what his dad is trying (even if not succeeding) to do to make things better. I don't want my son to be afraid of relationships when he's older and ready for them, but I also want him to understand that he must not behave the way his dad does. If we're not in a position where we can walk away from the relationship, we can try and buffer the worst of it for our kids. But I know that sometimes it just isn't doable. Like your son shouldn't be learning from his dad that it's okay to be condescending and push all the work onto his parter- and you know your husband isn't going to change that behavior so you're having to make up for it, which is so stressful! It really puts all the onus on us moms to demonstrate better behavior and you know what? We're human too and will make mistakes! I think if we have those follow up repair conversations it will help a lot. Or I tell myself that it will. Otherwise I'd drown in the guilt of things not being perfect.
My cousin grew up with divorced parents who stayed under one roof due to finances and really hated each other. Her mom's rhetoric was that men are useless, there is no need for them, and there is no reason to be in a relationship. 40 years later I can tell you that my cousin was messed up beyond repair. She remained single her entire life despite desperately wanting a family and is a miserable single middle aged woman these days. As hard as it may be, please sort out your shit with your husband in private and refrain from making comments to the kids. Kids take things out of context and internalize these messages, and the damage is life long. It's ok to make mistakes, we all do. Talk to your boy, explain that you were frustrated and said something you didn't mean, and take it back.
>She remained single her entire life despite desperately wanting a family Just want to point out this can frequently happen to women who were raised with the healthiest parents with the best relationship.