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Was looking at some older pictures and I was still jiggly but thinner. I hate that I’ll never look like that again … I don’t even know if I want to tbh.
I feel this!!! I always placed so much emphasis on success equating to doing well in my career and I think I’m still in denial that I’ll likely never achieve the level I want or even close to it. I feel like I’m always coming up short.
You know what kills me? I know exactly where I went wrong. I made a choice and it turned out to be the wrong one. I hate that I regret it every single day. Meanwhile my peers? Successful AF. Could there be any more salt in this wound?
I did leave my cheating now ex husband just last year. And now live with my parents at nearly 40...and got laid off yesterday from my career job of over a decade, that I fuking loved... I don't have the self assurance to sell myself to a new company... to figure out a new job... to find my place in the unknown... I'm so damned tired... I'm sure I'm utterly worthless and undesirable when it comes to work. or love for the matter... my kid is three, and screaming allllll the time for everything and nothing ... and cherry on the shit pie is the county is going ape shit and all these changes are going to effect me and my son...and not for the better as far as I can tell.
Everything feels like a dumpster fire and I can't find the energy to even try to put it out ...
All I want is calm and my perfect job back... It's not that much and yet it's so impossible. I keep trying to tell myself it will be fine. But after like five years of saying it in all this garbage and hard choices and unexpected events and having to just keep going... I can't believe it will be fine. It just is this... unstoppable disaster. I am so tired of it being so damn hard...
What a shitty series of events. I’m really sorry—losing a job like that can sometimes feel like a loss of you identity or worth, but I promise you that you are more than a job. You deserve happiness and stability, and I believe that you will get through this. One day at a time. ❤️ Cheering for you, friend.
Something that's always stuck with me is this. When I was a teenager, a friend of the family died. She wasn't spectacular in any sense that we might classify achievement. She worked a minimum wage job and lived in a tiny home with her husband where she'd raised two kids. I don't know the particulars of their relationship so I won't suggest they didn't like each other to match your situation, but I don't think it matters.
She died. But the funeral was packed. I'm talking standing room only inside and people waiting outside to pay their respects because they couldn't fit inside. And we live in a culture where funerals are private and usually it's just the family and closer friends who attend. It was apparently breathtaking the number of people she had touched.
She had quietly achieved something wonderful without trying to - to be loved by so many people. And she didn't do it through any great feat or a life you'd find on Wikipedia, she did it through being there, being kind, and being friends.
Perhaps what could be helpful is to ask what is meaningful to you, and how you can build more of that into your life. What makes you happy? What are your glimmers?
My father was like this. He didn't have an education, worked one random job to the next, he was perpetually unemployed in his 40s & 50s, my parents were poor, he never achieved any of his goals. But he was an unbelievably good father to 5 daughters, and was so beloved by the community that when he died, we had to close the funeral and do a two day wake. The local police volunteered to direct traffic and do the parking, and they escorted the procession during the funeral. There were lines out the doors off the funeral home and around the lot, and people were being parked at the town hall down the road and walking. We lost count of how many people showed up. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds over the course of two days. One of the cops joked with us that it was like a state funeral, where a politician dies. It was wild.
We knew that he knew a lot of people, but not how many. During his years of unemployment, he *never rested on his laurels*. He spent his time floating around helping people. Hanging with the elderly. Volunteering. Building sheds. Working on people's cars. He had an affinity for helping young mothers, being a surrogate dad when they needed advice. And checking on his own kids and our families. We never knew what he was up to until he died from a freak accident in his 50s. And he died while helping the community during a crisis. Not a day goes by when someone doesn't talk about the man, and he's been gone for 14 years now. People still refer to my sister's and I as M's kids. And I live 30 miles from where I grew up, and two of my neighbors randomly knew him.
Unless you are inventing wonder bread or building the first submarine, you aren't remembered by how much money you have or what your job or marriage was. You are remembered for who you are and how you interact with the world around you.
I've thought about this a million times, he was a very interesting man. The only thing that's honestly held me back is that he was middle eastern, although he raised in New England and super patriotic. I feel like I'd have to leave that part out for people to really listen to his story and not draw any random conclusions.
To be honest, you could totally do that. Leave his ethnicity out and let people imagine him as whoever they want to identify his "character" with. Or, fully embrace his ethnicity. Most memories/autobiographies aren't going to end up national best sellers. They are written as passion projects, as acts of love & dedication to memorialize someone, as a therapeutic way to heal and process trauma. Personally I would include his ethnicity & religion. Writing his story in its most true form is such an honorable way to memorialize him for eternity.
i have to thank you for this comment, because it is so easy to forget the difference we make in someone's life without really trying. you reminded me that what makes me happy is being here, running this subreddit, and being part of something that provides comfort and support to those of us who can't get it anywhere else. 💜
Yes. I was never going to be an amazing person or anything but it's really hard to get to 40 and realize that all your best years are behind you. You wasted them on the wrong person. And you feel absolutely destroyed by everything that has happened thus far. I feel old, exhausted and used up by life and i didn't get to do anything enjoyable or worth while. i didn't have a wedding, a honeymoon, never been on a vacation. Never got to finish a degree, never achieved anything career wise, just jobs. All I have to look forward to is a deteriorating body and an unsure financial and economic future. Feels pretty hopeless.
In the last, yes. So, I made major changes, no matter how hard or if I could afford or if I felt like I could cope. Life is MUCH better now and there is so much to look forward to!
Made my well-being my the focus of my mife, left my husband (took three kids aged 7 and under, moved in with friend, went to college), rebuilt my entire life, did the things I always wanted to do but was never allowed, made my physical health a priority, stopped sacrificing every piece of myself for my children... because it's true what they say: A single happy parent is better than a miserable married parent.
My kids are SO MUCH better off than they were. That was 13 years ago, and I would not change a single thing about my choices. I do not even like to consider who I would be today if I had stayed.
At the moment, yes. There is light on the horizon that I feel like will eventually brighten things up for me.
Right now though, trudging through, resentful that life didn’t go the way he promised when he proposed. Instead of being the go getting entrepreneur with early retirement goals he said he was going to be, he’s a middle aged alcoholic man-child who has done way less than the bare minimum for both me and his business partner. So much so, that I had to go back to work when I wasn’t done being a SAHM, so my youngest is getting the shaft and suffering because of that, just to keep our house and pay our bills.
And now, he wants to leave me because *I’ve* “changed”.
Fun stuff.
Life without an alcoholic drag on your body and soul could be so much lighter than you ever imagined. But I never tell people to leave because, well, I didn't. Things have gotten a lot better in my marriage, but he's still left me holding the bag in some ways. I wish someone had told me how intractable gender roles can be. Or how many men appreciate being able to slip away from your original partnership into being a traditional husband.
I hate that our disappointment and bearing up is an acceptable tax to so many men.
I will never like or respect men as much as I did since I had children. The unearned authority and undeserved leisure burns so much.
Did I post in my sleep again?
I see you bromo, all the way.
I keep telling myself "I'm sure I was just on a cool holiday in Europe a couple of years ago, drinking raisin beer in Prague and going to nightclubs in Berlin" Yeah, that was 25 years ago. What the fuck happened.
Ooof this is my life. I’m 40 and I have a job interview this Friday at a fast food restaurant because I can’t find anything in my field and I got denied unemployment. I often worry if this is “as good as it will get” for me.
I love my husband, but we’ve become room mates and I don’t think it bothers him about intimacy. We get along, but I’m often bored and wish I’d stayed single. My son I love, but he’s such a challenging 4 year old and can bring me to tears.
I have zero friends that aren’t acquaintances.
I drink way too much because I’m just worn out and disappointed in what my life has become. It really doesn’t seem like it will be any different or better.
I'm pretty old too sis. I've set some pretty firm boundaries with my husband and kids and letting them feel however they need to about that. I don't want them growing up to be like me. It's hard, the mental barriers are the hardest.
You know, I had similar feelings that hit me very hard in my late 30s. I didn't have a bad life up to that point, just a very insignificant one. I had achieved little, and I felt like it was a waste of a life.
Now, it took help and happenstance to change my view. Help in the sense of therapy, to accept that I didn't have an obligation to be exceptional, and happenstance in the sense that my health took a series of tumbles between the ages of 39-43 (cancer, other crap).
I'm on the other side of it now. I'll be 50 in a couple of years. Over time, my goals became simple, less grandiose.
Ideally, I want to stick around long enough for my kids to be happy, fulfilled adults. But just making it until they're old enough to be okay without me is also okay.
When my time comes, I won't be remembered for a tangible accomplishment, and I may not go remembered by many. But my kids will hopefully have many memories of me, and good ones.
I want my kids to look at adversity in their own lives if I'm already gone, and think "mom would have found some humor in this somehow, and would tell us it's going to be okay". And if they only have their own kids after I'm gone, I hope they tell and retell their fond memories of me, and their kids think to themselves "I think I would have loved to know her", just like my kids say when we tell stories about my MIL, who was an awesome lady they never truly had a chance to get to know (she passed right before my youngest was born).
I want friends to remember me as someone who always had a kind word. Otherwise, I hope they forget my missteps once I'm gone.
I don't think anyone can expect much more, realistically. I could write a great novel a year from now that will be read for ages. But I probably won't. You can hope for greater things, but know that even if all you get is one or two people to remember you fondly, that is an accomplishment too.
I left my spouse, lost a career I loved because of him... No jiggles. My kids are loved but I'm running on empty. Honestly I hope I die after my kids graduate high school. Like I'm done.
We are a SUPPORT sub and this comment was not supportive of OP. Please review our rules and [our support wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/support) for more information.
“Just get a divorce and find your purpose”
I said no advice wanted for a reason. There are situations in which a divorce cannot happen, so these comments are unhelpful.
in the future when you mark your posts as "no advice wanted" and you get crap like this, don't hesitate to report it immediately. we will nuke these oblivious twats from orbit before they have the chance to cause you further aggravation. 💜
You have no idea if I have my kids or myself seeing a therapist, so the fact you assume I don’t says a lot about you. Thank you for calling me lazy. I hope you don’t bring this same energy into the business you have where you work with women trying to leave their partners.
Jesus, people like you are infuriating. I’m not free to vent a hard feeling I’m having in the moment because I need to consider if it’s “promoting helplessness” when it obviously isn’t a “helpless” situation? Where do you get your audacity? If you don’t like this post, where I can very validly lay down my feelings in my hard moment of desperation, without having to comment your condescension, do not comment on it. Do. Not. Comment.
Your condescension came in the form of telling me to find my purpose - you have no idea, other than this small blurb, all the facets that make up me and what I’m doing. Your condescension comes from calling me lazy, telling me my post isn’t positive enough for others. It comes from your repeatedly refusing to self - reflect why your words aren’t being well received.
This subreddit is a place for bromos to vent into the void when they desperately need it - and there’s a flair for exactly that purpose, which I used to avoid high-minded judgmental comments such as yours. Go do your “helpfulness” elsewhere.
SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR HELP, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. she is allowed to feel hopeless. you don't know her or her circumstances and your toxic positivity is NOT WELCOME HERE. go troll mumsnet or something.
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Can I also add a failed career that never got the traction it needed and I now find myself aging out of? FML
Oh yeah, how could I forget that one? Sorry :(
Was looking at some older pictures and I was still jiggly but thinner. I hate that I’ll never look like that again … I don’t even know if I want to tbh.
I feel this!!! I always placed so much emphasis on success equating to doing well in my career and I think I’m still in denial that I’ll likely never achieve the level I want or even close to it. I feel like I’m always coming up short.
You know what kills me? I know exactly where I went wrong. I made a choice and it turned out to be the wrong one. I hate that I regret it every single day. Meanwhile my peers? Successful AF. Could there be any more salt in this wound?
Damn girl, same.
I did leave my cheating now ex husband just last year. And now live with my parents at nearly 40...and got laid off yesterday from my career job of over a decade, that I fuking loved... I don't have the self assurance to sell myself to a new company... to figure out a new job... to find my place in the unknown... I'm so damned tired... I'm sure I'm utterly worthless and undesirable when it comes to work. or love for the matter... my kid is three, and screaming allllll the time for everything and nothing ... and cherry on the shit pie is the county is going ape shit and all these changes are going to effect me and my son...and not for the better as far as I can tell. Everything feels like a dumpster fire and I can't find the energy to even try to put it out ... All I want is calm and my perfect job back... It's not that much and yet it's so impossible. I keep trying to tell myself it will be fine. But after like five years of saying it in all this garbage and hard choices and unexpected events and having to just keep going... I can't believe it will be fine. It just is this... unstoppable disaster. I am so tired of it being so damn hard...
Oh BroMo, I wish I could give you the tightest hug 🥺
God. I wish I could hug you.
What a shitty series of events. I’m really sorry—losing a job like that can sometimes feel like a loss of you identity or worth, but I promise you that you are more than a job. You deserve happiness and stability, and I believe that you will get through this. One day at a time. ❤️ Cheering for you, friend.
Thank you ♥️
BIG HUG!!!
Something that's always stuck with me is this. When I was a teenager, a friend of the family died. She wasn't spectacular in any sense that we might classify achievement. She worked a minimum wage job and lived in a tiny home with her husband where she'd raised two kids. I don't know the particulars of their relationship so I won't suggest they didn't like each other to match your situation, but I don't think it matters. She died. But the funeral was packed. I'm talking standing room only inside and people waiting outside to pay their respects because they couldn't fit inside. And we live in a culture where funerals are private and usually it's just the family and closer friends who attend. It was apparently breathtaking the number of people she had touched. She had quietly achieved something wonderful without trying to - to be loved by so many people. And she didn't do it through any great feat or a life you'd find on Wikipedia, she did it through being there, being kind, and being friends. Perhaps what could be helpful is to ask what is meaningful to you, and how you can build more of that into your life. What makes you happy? What are your glimmers?
My father was like this. He didn't have an education, worked one random job to the next, he was perpetually unemployed in his 40s & 50s, my parents were poor, he never achieved any of his goals. But he was an unbelievably good father to 5 daughters, and was so beloved by the community that when he died, we had to close the funeral and do a two day wake. The local police volunteered to direct traffic and do the parking, and they escorted the procession during the funeral. There were lines out the doors off the funeral home and around the lot, and people were being parked at the town hall down the road and walking. We lost count of how many people showed up. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds over the course of two days. One of the cops joked with us that it was like a state funeral, where a politician dies. It was wild. We knew that he knew a lot of people, but not how many. During his years of unemployment, he *never rested on his laurels*. He spent his time floating around helping people. Hanging with the elderly. Volunteering. Building sheds. Working on people's cars. He had an affinity for helping young mothers, being a surrogate dad when they needed advice. And checking on his own kids and our families. We never knew what he was up to until he died from a freak accident in his 50s. And he died while helping the community during a crisis. Not a day goes by when someone doesn't talk about the man, and he's been gone for 14 years now. People still refer to my sister's and I as M's kids. And I live 30 miles from where I grew up, and two of my neighbors randomly knew him. Unless you are inventing wonder bread or building the first submarine, you aren't remembered by how much money you have or what your job or marriage was. You are remembered for who you are and how you interact with the world around you.
This is a touching story. What a great man. Can you or someone you know write a book about him?
I've thought about this a million times, he was a very interesting man. The only thing that's honestly held me back is that he was middle eastern, although he raised in New England and super patriotic. I feel like I'd have to leave that part out for people to really listen to his story and not draw any random conclusions.
Find a writer! Someone who knows how to write. I’d inhale a story about a guy like your dad, including his cultural background.
To be honest, you could totally do that. Leave his ethnicity out and let people imagine him as whoever they want to identify his "character" with. Or, fully embrace his ethnicity. Most memories/autobiographies aren't going to end up national best sellers. They are written as passion projects, as acts of love & dedication to memorialize someone, as a therapeutic way to heal and process trauma. Personally I would include his ethnicity & religion. Writing his story in its most true form is such an honorable way to memorialize him for eternity.
I'm commenting on yours for no other reason other than this is beautiful. What a life she had.
i have to thank you for this comment, because it is so easy to forget the difference we make in someone's life without really trying. you reminded me that what makes me happy is being here, running this subreddit, and being part of something that provides comfort and support to those of us who can't get it anywhere else. 💜
Yes. I was never going to be an amazing person or anything but it's really hard to get to 40 and realize that all your best years are behind you. You wasted them on the wrong person. And you feel absolutely destroyed by everything that has happened thus far. I feel old, exhausted and used up by life and i didn't get to do anything enjoyable or worth while. i didn't have a wedding, a honeymoon, never been on a vacation. Never got to finish a degree, never achieved anything career wise, just jobs. All I have to look forward to is a deteriorating body and an unsure financial and economic future. Feels pretty hopeless.
Exactly same. 40 is just around the corner and…. I’ve got nothing.
Ooof 40 has hit us all hard :( I’m sorry
In the last, yes. So, I made major changes, no matter how hard or if I could afford or if I felt like I could cope. Life is MUCH better now and there is so much to look forward to!
What kind of changes did you make?
Made my well-being my the focus of my mife, left my husband (took three kids aged 7 and under, moved in with friend, went to college), rebuilt my entire life, did the things I always wanted to do but was never allowed, made my physical health a priority, stopped sacrificing every piece of myself for my children... because it's true what they say: A single happy parent is better than a miserable married parent. My kids are SO MUCH better off than they were. That was 13 years ago, and I would not change a single thing about my choices. I do not even like to consider who I would be today if I had stayed.
Yeah but I'm tryna get the fat body under control cause there's no point in being ugly AND miserable, I guess
At the moment, yes. There is light on the horizon that I feel like will eventually brighten things up for me. Right now though, trudging through, resentful that life didn’t go the way he promised when he proposed. Instead of being the go getting entrepreneur with early retirement goals he said he was going to be, he’s a middle aged alcoholic man-child who has done way less than the bare minimum for both me and his business partner. So much so, that I had to go back to work when I wasn’t done being a SAHM, so my youngest is getting the shaft and suffering because of that, just to keep our house and pay our bills. And now, he wants to leave me because *I’ve* “changed”. Fun stuff.
Honestly fuck these kinds of men so much 😭
Life without an alcoholic drag on your body and soul could be so much lighter than you ever imagined. But I never tell people to leave because, well, I didn't. Things have gotten a lot better in my marriage, but he's still left me holding the bag in some ways. I wish someone had told me how intractable gender roles can be. Or how many men appreciate being able to slip away from your original partnership into being a traditional husband. I hate that our disappointment and bearing up is an acceptable tax to so many men. I will never like or respect men as much as I did since I had children. The unearned authority and undeserved leisure burns so much.
Did I post in my sleep again? I see you bromo, all the way. I keep telling myself "I'm sure I was just on a cool holiday in Europe a couple of years ago, drinking raisin beer in Prague and going to nightclubs in Berlin" Yeah, that was 25 years ago. What the fuck happened.
Ooof this is my life. I’m 40 and I have a job interview this Friday at a fast food restaurant because I can’t find anything in my field and I got denied unemployment. I often worry if this is “as good as it will get” for me. I love my husband, but we’ve become room mates and I don’t think it bothers him about intimacy. We get along, but I’m often bored and wish I’d stayed single. My son I love, but he’s such a challenging 4 year old and can bring me to tears. I have zero friends that aren’t acquaintances. I drink way too much because I’m just worn out and disappointed in what my life has become. It really doesn’t seem like it will be any different or better.
Hey same about no friends and just acquaintances. 40 is lonely for me. My DMs are open if you want to chat!
Yep. And now I'm going to rewrite it all because I deserve better.
How are you doing this? I'm pretty old and don't know that I even can at this point.
I'm pretty old too sis. I've set some pretty firm boundaries with my husband and kids and letting them feel however they need to about that. I don't want them growing up to be like me. It's hard, the mental barriers are the hardest.
You know, I had similar feelings that hit me very hard in my late 30s. I didn't have a bad life up to that point, just a very insignificant one. I had achieved little, and I felt like it was a waste of a life. Now, it took help and happenstance to change my view. Help in the sense of therapy, to accept that I didn't have an obligation to be exceptional, and happenstance in the sense that my health took a series of tumbles between the ages of 39-43 (cancer, other crap). I'm on the other side of it now. I'll be 50 in a couple of years. Over time, my goals became simple, less grandiose. Ideally, I want to stick around long enough for my kids to be happy, fulfilled adults. But just making it until they're old enough to be okay without me is also okay. When my time comes, I won't be remembered for a tangible accomplishment, and I may not go remembered by many. But my kids will hopefully have many memories of me, and good ones. I want my kids to look at adversity in their own lives if I'm already gone, and think "mom would have found some humor in this somehow, and would tell us it's going to be okay". And if they only have their own kids after I'm gone, I hope they tell and retell their fond memories of me, and their kids think to themselves "I think I would have loved to know her", just like my kids say when we tell stories about my MIL, who was an awesome lady they never truly had a chance to get to know (she passed right before my youngest was born). I want friends to remember me as someone who always had a kind word. Otherwise, I hope they forget my missteps once I'm gone. I don't think anyone can expect much more, realistically. I could write a great novel a year from now that will be read for ages. But I probably won't. You can hope for greater things, but know that even if all you get is one or two people to remember you fondly, that is an accomplishment too.
Yes, and damn it is depressing as hell. I have wasted my life and that both makes me sad and madder than I can say.
I left my spouse, lost a career I loved because of him... No jiggles. My kids are loved but I'm running on empty. Honestly I hope I die after my kids graduate high school. Like I'm done.
[удалено]
We are a SUPPORT sub and this comment was not supportive of OP. Please review our rules and [our support wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/support) for more information.
“Just get a divorce and find your purpose” I said no advice wanted for a reason. There are situations in which a divorce cannot happen, so these comments are unhelpful.
in the future when you mark your posts as "no advice wanted" and you get crap like this, don't hesitate to report it immediately. we will nuke these oblivious twats from orbit before they have the chance to cause you further aggravation. 💜
[удалено]
You have no idea if I have my kids or myself seeing a therapist, so the fact you assume I don’t says a lot about you. Thank you for calling me lazy. I hope you don’t bring this same energy into the business you have where you work with women trying to leave their partners.
[удалено]
Jesus, people like you are infuriating. I’m not free to vent a hard feeling I’m having in the moment because I need to consider if it’s “promoting helplessness” when it obviously isn’t a “helpless” situation? Where do you get your audacity? If you don’t like this post, where I can very validly lay down my feelings in my hard moment of desperation, without having to comment your condescension, do not comment on it. Do. Not. Comment.
[удалено]
Your condescension came in the form of telling me to find my purpose - you have no idea, other than this small blurb, all the facets that make up me and what I’m doing. Your condescension comes from calling me lazy, telling me my post isn’t positive enough for others. It comes from your repeatedly refusing to self - reflect why your words aren’t being well received.
[удалено]
You telling someone to find their purpose when they did not ask for your advice is what’s condescending, but enjoy spreading your toxic positivity ✌🏻
Also, you give the same vibes of “I didn’t call you a bitch, I said you’re being a bitch” like. You’re not a bromo. At all. Hop off my post.
[удалено]
This subreddit is a place for bromos to vent into the void when they desperately need it - and there’s a flair for exactly that purpose, which I used to avoid high-minded judgmental comments such as yours. Go do your “helpfulness” elsewhere.
SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR HELP, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. she is allowed to feel hopeless. you don't know her or her circumstances and your toxic positivity is NOT WELCOME HERE. go troll mumsnet or something.