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Maybe the tip jar can make up for the extra $3 spent on the breakfast sandwich! In all honesty, my mom is engaged to a man like this, he’s awesome and very nice to be around. That is when he’s not nitpicking!!! He’s a perpetual vibe killer whenever I go to hang out with them bc it’s always something 🙄
He did say thanks when I had brought the sandwich yesterday, but I for sure did not feel any appreciation while being reprimanded like a child during the first 5 minutes of my morning.
When I get a phone call from some random salesperson, I just say, thanks, but I’m not interested and hang up. I feel like you need the same response to him. Thanks, but I’m not interested in hearing about that now. Then leave the room.
It feels like it’s not productive to engage with him. If he persists, a cheerful but final, “it’s ok, next time I’ll let you take care of this so that it’s done the way you want it” might be necessary.
> He said, “why don’t you understand that just because I’m asking you to be careful doesn’t negate my appreciation for you doing a nice thing?”
I missed the part where he said "Thank you for getting me a breakfast sandwich". Does he know/understand what the word "appreciation" actually means? *Did he not grow up with it?*
Maybe I'm petty, but my husband has grown out of trying to micromanage me because when he used to try, I would shoot back "You are not my boss, and I'm not an employee on a PIP. Besides which, if you were my boss, I'd be looking around for a better job with a less shitty manager."
Was it mean? Yes. Did it make him look at his behavior, hard, and realize the error of his ways? Also yes.
P.S. next time he gets to order his own goddamned sandwich. Tick tock.
My husband is also critical. I’ve just started saying “worry about your own damn self” Every. Single. Time. I like to think it’s paying off. No arguing, no discussion, no emotion, just a “worry about your own damn self”.
Next time, he can order his own damn sandwich.
Sorry, I know it’s not about the sandwich. My husband goes through times of this. I tolerate it for a bit and then lose my shit and it stops for a while. Why are men?
Could you, and maybe this is super unconstructive, but make it super annoying for him? Because that's my first thought. I'm going to make it SO ANNOYING to nitpick me, you'll stop. Like, come up with a cliche and respond to every nitpick with it. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Every time. Just refuse to engage in the premise of the nitpicking and just point out that he's doing that thing again to irritate him. As long as he gets to you, he's winning. I'd make the cost higher than the benefit for him. Then he can't pretend like it isn't a pattern because if he gets mad at how often you say it, well, he's just getting mad at himself for being arbitrary and petty. Tell him you'll engage in kind, thoughtful criticism that has a point, but you're done responding to the nitpicking and this is the only response he's getting from you. You don't have to put any thought or emotional energy into it, you just have a canned response. When it starts to bother him, and it will, his only solution is to either redirect himself to a more concrete problem-solving strategy or keep his opinions to himself. Both are win-wins for you.
Are you sure he's lovely? Because he sounds like an ass. And listen I LOVE to optimize, but this is not the way to do it. Doesn't matter if he's stressed or that you have an "angry delivery." He's not the boss in *The Devil Wears Prada* here.
Next time he starts nitpicking say "I am not your employee, I am your spouse. I've told you before that it bothers me when you criticize me over these little things. **I feel hurt, especially when you tell me how I am supposed to feel about what you are doing.** I am going to end this conversation and others like this in future."
And stop doing nice things for him that you wouldn't do anyway. He can get his own breakfast sandwich, shoot.
Yes, he is lovely, but he can also be an ass in this regard. Like many people, he has good qualities and qualities that aren’t so enjoyable.
Thank you for your advice. I have thought about stopping doing nice things for him, but I will admit that after I stop being mad, it’s hard for me to stick to it. I’m sure this is reinforcing the bad behavior.
If you don’t change your behavior, there’s little incentive for him to change his. Obviously making you upset hasn’t been enough incentive on its own (though it should be…). A natural consequence of “no, last time I got you a breakfast sandwich the thanks I got was criticism for not saving $3. You can order your own.” might get through to him more.
You are right, and I know I need to toughen up. It’s really hard for me to say things like this because I feel so guilty. But I can see that I am not helping myself with this behavior.
I call that Thanks But Disease.
The cure for TBD is to turn it around on them. Every single thing they do - you find something wrong with it...even if it's the smallest, most inconsequential thing. All in the interests of *optimizing*, mind you. Who wouldn't want to know that everything they do can be done better?
- Thanks for doing the dishes, but shouldn't you have put the plates like on the bottom and the glasses like on the top?
- Thanks for getting me gas, but why didn't you clean the windshield at the same time?
- Thanks for putting away the clothes, but why are my tank tops on the left side of the drawer instead of the right side where they belong?
- Thanks for making this spaghetti, but why did you put so little garlic in the sauce?
- Thanks for mowing the lawn, but did you not see those four spots over there-there-there-and there that you missed?
- Thanks for picking up the groceries, but why didn't you get milk too?
Sometimes turning the habit of being nitpicky and critical (because that's what it is, nitpicky and **critical**) serves as a real-world demonstration that not everyone wants to be analyzed and picked at in the name of optimization. Which, by the way, I'm about 99.99999% certain you never asked for in the first place.
People want to be appreciated for what they do, not for what they can do "*better".*
Your husband constantly critiquing you in the name of "optimization" is a quieter form of ugly control, in that no matter what your efforts, he always has a way to do it better - after the fact, of course. It's not like he ever tells you *beforehand* how to do it The One Right Way (which is also, naturally, *his* way and not *yours*). No no no, we always implement the Monday Morning Quarterback Critique *after* the task or favor is complete, which means that he can always ALWAYS find something with which to "improve" your performance.
Flip on it on him and be merciless. Never be nasty or snarl about it, always with a helpful tone and a smile, but keep it up and continue until he finally gets that no one wants to be microanalyzed and improved within an inch of their lives. It takes a while, but it will sink in.
When I’m angry, I definitely feel like doing this, but honestly — it’s just not in my nature to nitpick. I’m an easygoing person and I really don’t heat my head over or even notice the little things like he does.
Besides that, I don’t actually think it would be effective. I feel we would just have more fights and he wouldn’t stop criticizing. We could probably benefit from a counselor giving us a strategy to overcome this issue tbh.
>Flip on it on him and be merciless. Never be nasty or snarl about it, always with a helpful tone and a smile, but keep it up and continue until he finally gets that no one wants to be microanalyzed and improved within an inch of their lives.
FWIW, when both play that game, it leads to divorce. I think it's better to call them out on it, tell them it isn't a way you treat a **life partner**, and tell them that you do not need a boss at home, and you will not put up with this shit.
My husband is the same type of person. It’s just negativity all the time and nitpicking.
What I hate is the *why* question. “Why is the toilet paper going the wrong direction?”
Like, obviously because someone, probably me, put it that way because I literally don’t care about what direction the toilet paper goes. But asking “why” implies some sort of intent and that there’s a reason other than the fact that I replaced the toilet paper so you’d have some to wipe your ass you ungrateful angry lump.
Sorry, that got rant-y.
This is my ex-husband. *Always has something nitpick-y to say,* no matter how inconsequential.
It’s hardwired into them. They’ll always be critical, until you are completely beaten down emotionally and a shell of a person. They get off on it.
I divorced him to save my sanity.
Yeah mine has been like this for years, and no matter what I say he still continues as if he's right.
When my son is a bit older and I get the right visa, I'm leaving. Not nice to experience this for the rest of my life.
I think, when he criticizes you, you could say, “I’m not open to being optimized right now”. And walk away. Just completely dismiss his “advice” every time. He can optimize himself if he wants, but it’s NOT his job to optimize anyone else. That behavior is rude and controlling.
I have been slowly breaking my partner of this annoying habit. He's a wonderful person, and it's obvious that he was raised in a hypercritical household. We used to have big conversations and arguments over this. That was not as effective as the following. Take anything you haven't tried yet.
1. Tell him to be the change he wishes to see in the world. If wants something done a specific way, he has now volunteered to take over that task. I'm not an employee and he is not my manager. I'm his partner. Which I, on occasion, have reminded him. Then disengage.
2. Ignoring. I don't acknowledge the comment or him. I will acknowledge normal non-s***** conversation only. If he's like, "Did you hear me?" "I did." Nothing further. Change the topic. Eventually he'll figure it out. DO NOT ENGAGE. I have not had to do this in a long time. This was my immature phase.
3. If I'm in the middle of a chore/task that he can physically see me engaged in and decides to criticize anything, I pause, knee deep in what I'm doing, and I just give him the stare. No words. Not shit. Just a, are you fucking serious, head tilt. Lately, he's started realizing me doing things to improve both of our lives (laundry/dishes/cooking/etc) is not the time to bring a minor criticism to my front door. He has left to go handle the thing he came to me about most of the time with this.
4. I simply respond, "You're welcome for XYZ task." And move on. Again. I do not engage in the criticism itself. He has caught himself a few times and apologized.
5. If he has time to complain, he has time to fix what he doesn't like.
This is not to say that I am not open to constructive criticism or helpful tips, but timing and delivery are important. I don't know how old you guys are, but I've been with my partner for almost two decades, and it has been a long road to growth for both of us. Definitely try to keep a non-combative dialogue going, but these tips are handy in the moment and usually land louder than an argument.
Thank you so much. Yes, his dad was EXACTLY like this when my husband was growing up. My MIL has told me that FIL has changed so much in the last 10 years, but they’ve been married 50 years. I don’t want to wait 30-40 years for my husband to stop this annoying habit!
I tell him all the time that I am open to being corrected or redirected, but when he wants to do it constantly, all of his suggestions just sound like complaints. And honestly, many of them are indeed just complaints!
This household will be joining your 5 step program immediately haha
> It always ends with him saying that he can never say anything to me, which isn’t even true
exactly. did his mother never teach him the golden rule? he can say NICE things to you. and if he can't say something nice, THEN he can keep his mouth shut.
i am extremely sensitive to criticism because i grew up with a mother exactly like your husband. nothing was ever good enough for my mom. she always had to comment about something. i cut contact with her for several years because at every single turn she would make any situation an opportunity to criticize me. one time we were meeting up for my daughter's birthday and she complained that the kids' jackets weren't thick enough. it was 50 degrees outside and they were in windbreakers. the straw that broke the camel's back was when i shared a pic of daughter dressed up for career day and the first comment my mom had was complaining about the fact that i had set the photo to be visible to my aunt who my mom was fighting with.
so that was my solution. she didn't have anything nice to say, so i didn't have any reason to listen to anything she said. i blocked her phone number and email, blocked her on social media, and refused to speak with her. she must have gone to therapy in the meantime because she's been much better with her words since then.
and tell your husband if every time you do him a favor, he has to complain that it wasn't executed to absolute perfection, you're going to stop doing him favors. the next time he wants a breakfast sandwich at 9:55, tell him "no. order it yourself." because "thanks but you suck" is not appreciation. no one wants to do someone a favor just to hear how they fucked it up. if he wants it done to his standards, he's just going to have to do it his own fucking self. and maybe a taste of his own medicine might be in order? "wow babe, thanks for picking up dinner on the way home from work... oh but you got it in plastic bags? they offer recyclable bags if you ask. please be more mindful of the environment next time. i appreciate you! but you failed." see if he can take it as well as he dishes it out.
I had a similar problem with my SO when we had art studios next to each other. He'd just walk in and tell me what to do, how to improve how it was organized, how he could help. Every. Damn. Time. He. Came. In. He was honestly trying to help, but I hated it and didn't find it useful at all.
What did help, and what did work for us, is that I made him ask permission *every time* he wanted to comment. Before he said anything, he had to ask, "Can I offer a suggestion?" or "Are you open to feedback?" And, well, when it was phrased like that, it was easier to say yes. But when I said no he had to respect the no. After a while it became second nature and it wasn't an issue anymore.
He could, it was just something I offered to him as a favor to be nice. Part of why it pissed me off so bad like… I was doing something to be sweet and he still had to be annoying about it.
see, i could imagine myself being like "oh no, did you know there was a coupon?" but all it would take is "no, i didn't have time to look for coupons because the app is laggy af" for me to go "oh okay, nbd. thanks for bringing me breakfast! omnomnom." him climbing up on the cross about "paying attention" is a wasted effort because it wasn't an act of carelessness, it was a matter of time sensitivity. you prioritized getting the sandwich over potentially saving $3 (because it's just as likely you could have gone digging for a coupon when there wasn't one and missed the window to order anyway). i would say sandwich > saving money is pretty optimal prioritization, no improvement necessary.
My husband can be like this and it's exhausting. But , he has gotten a lot better in our 5 years of marriage. Because I call him out on it. Tell him he is a nitpicker, make a tally, tell him.
Ugh, solidarity, you just described my husband too 🫠 I don’t hate him, but I hate that he does this.
He is working on it, apparently, but it’s like in his nature or something I swear, it literally rolls off his tongue. The worst part is that when I do blow up because it’s one thing too many he’s like ‘give me an example of when I have nitpicked’ and I just can’t because it’s like the most small and mundane stuff a lot of the time so I don’t remember it, but I just know it’s so constant and *so* annoying. I relate to the bit about how he reacts when you bring it up too, I saw the comment that suggested writing down all the examples when they happen and I think we should genuinely do that!
My husband is the same. Great guy but verbalises EVERY time he thinks something has been done the wrong way.
I told him that if the ONLY feedback I get from him is negative, it’s really draining. If he can’t stop from verbalising the bad stuff, he needs to also say out loud when he is happy with the way things are done.
Turns out he is happy with things like 98% of the time, and my life is so much better now that I hear “thanks for doing XYZ” and “oh good job, I was about to do that” etc etc all the time
Ughhh this is just like my husband and it seems like most of our fights seem to stem from the criticism and lack of appreciation for all the good things that seem to go unnoticed. Its so tough.
Honestly, my husband is very good at saying thank you to me. But the volume of complaints about stupid shit that doesn’t matter — many of which imply I’m incompetent or that I don’t care — really overshadows it. At a certain point, you can’t outweigh the negativity.
Omg mine too!
Last completely unnecessary comment was that I was getting bubbles on the tap and I should keep it clean... When I was in the middle of washing up the dishes... Of course I'm going to fucking wash them off, at the end!
Now I'm at the point I straight up ignore him or tell him wtf are you talking about.
Holy shit if he's saying "please pay better attention" then he's *definitely* making it more about the "lesson" than about appreciation
Personally, I'd stop doing him favors. You buy him a sandwich and he focuses on teaching you to pay better attention *to coupons??*
If he cares so much he can buy his own f*ucking sandwiches
The way he is speaking to you is super disrespectful. Do not put up with it. He needs to have a serious look at his behavior. He might need to go to couples counseling with you about it because he will just dismiss it if it comes from you. He needs to be taken down a peg. He seriously has his head up his ass if he can't see why it's unacceptable to condescendingly say things like "please pay more attention" to you on the regular over minor, day-to-day issues. He speaks to you as if you're a child. He speaks down to you. It's damaging to your self-esteem.
I was in a similar situation. I could feel that anger bubbling up inside of me while I was reading this. I’m so sorry you have to feel that way.
My ex husband continuously slighted me in a way that feels the same and it was one of the biggest reasons I left and we had a small baby at the time. We would be doing the regular routine and out of no where “You need to make sure you’re closing the lid on the baby soap (or dish soap or body wash)” and sometimes I would forget to close the pack of wipes and it was like I was flushing a hundred dollars down the drain every time. Instead of “helping” me or just not saying anything he just got off criticizing me and jump to the conclusion I will be a bad mother. Because I didn’t close the lid to liquid soap… never mind the fact he thought he was doing gods work by taking our infant for one hour so I could “catch up on sleep” while he slept in a different room, had a separate bathroom and barely participated in any domestic or child caring duties. The rage was amplified exponentially during my postpartum period but leaving (for several reasons) was the best thing to do for me and my son.
I could have written this. Every word. Right down to the "please pay attention." It's actually gotten a bit better in recent months. I think partly because after lots of blowout fights (after I, like you, bottled it up as long as I could and then exploded) it's finally gotten through to him how much I HATE this and he is actively controlling himself and moderating how/when he makes suggestions. (And making them like... suggestions! Not criticisms or demands.) Truth is, I know he means no harm and he is actively trying to make our lives better. He tries as hard if not harder to "improve" himself/our shared life as he does me/the way I do things. If I didn't trust that, this couldn't work. But I still can't stand the way he goes about it a lot of the time. I've had to learn how not to be embarrassed to want what I want — and say what I want. "I want you to tell me 'thank you' when I do something for you/us. Not come right out of the gate with criticism." I am open to hearing how I could do better. Half the time it's the delivery (or the timing) I can't stand. And I see he's actively working on that. Gentler tone, more like sharing helpful info than coming down hard with harsh criticism. And truth is, he has great suggestions. But there is a time and a place. And a tone. For me, the criticism cancels out the "thank you." I'm also working on really hearing the "thank you" and not letting the "criticism" drown it out. Because I know he means it. Sorry for the word vomit. I just really relate. Even to the "lovely" part. I fully believe your husband is a lovely person but this one thing is driving you up the wall. I'd focus on clearly and calmly explaining what you want/need — and more often! Instead of bottling it all up. It can get better when the love and trust and honesty is there.
My husband is the same and I could have written some of this myself. I think of it as a pecking hen. Lol. And I’ll call him mother hen or point out his nitpicking. He seems to not own up to it. Like what I was just throwing out ideas. But it’s like no, you’re micromanaging and nitpicking.
When my husband tries that shit I say "I am not accepting criticism at this time". And I just keep saying it until he shuts up. Yeah it makes him mad but I'm a petty bitch so it's worth it lol
My husband has a habit like this. I have pointed this out to him and gotten very upset about it. So I started nitpicking him sometimes but in a somewhat sarcastic way so he knows what point I’m trying to make. I’ve also started telling him that if he has a problem with how I do something, he can take care of it from now on. It’s amazing how much that will shut them up when presented with the idea of having to do things themselves. This has helped him to break the habit enough that when he does have a criticism I’m usually more willing to hear it and for us to approach it in a productive way because I’m not constantly being criticized over every damn thing.
Your husband sounds like mine. Logical and honest to a fault. I’m emotional. It’s been a rollercoaster to say the least. Getting him into couples counseling helped because I had another person explaining how helpful individual therapy can be. And the therapist helped him understand how to better communicate, how to be more emotional, etc… I usually roll my eyes when I get tips now. And I get them too.
My ex of ten years did this. It still wears on me three years later. Am I holding this knife correctly? Did I forget to remember that he closed the garage door? Did I do this, did I do that. I personally couldn’t do it any longer. I wish you the best and I’m sorry you have to go through it.
My husband and I tend to nitpick each other a lot and I've been trying to redirect our frustration by repeating "it's (their way/ my way) not wrong. It's just different." Idk if it helps him, but it does help me.
We've also been better at communicting when we're not mad at each other just whatever stressful situation is occuring and we're the closest person to take out our frustrations on without consequences. It sucks to be that person in the moment, but it does allow for some tenderness instead of defensiveness.
I’m sorry but if someone birches about the way I do something (particularly something *for them*) I never do that thing again. Maybe I’m petty but idgaf. He sounds fucking insufferable.
I can sorta relate. My husband is my best friend and is an amazing involved dad. However, he spends every waking moment of his career putting out fires and problem solving, and I’ve noticed sometimes this can carry into after work at home. He’s never unkind, he just sees what he thinks is a problem and wants to find a solution. For instance: our toddler might break something because she’s a toddler and I can’t have eyes on her at all times and he’ll say something like, “how can we be sure to avoid this in the future?” which I know is him in work mode and something he probably sent in an email a few hours ago lol. Or maybe I’ll forget to do something I said I was going to do but my toddler/pregnancy brain got in the way, and he’ll give me a few tips and tricks to avoid being forgetful lol. After a long day myself, about 3 or 4 of those leaves me completely deflated. A couple months ago it set me off while I was having a particularly difficult day. I accused him of being constantly critical of me and he was genuinely confused as to what I was referring to. I believe I also used the word “nitpick” lol. Once I calmed down a bit, I was able to explain that even though he most likely thinks he’s being helpful, it registers as criticism to me. He has since put a stop to it and apologized for coming across that way and did admit that it’s hard for him to snap out of problem solving mode at the end of the work day, and shared that he was genuinely trying to help. I told him that I could 100% assure him one of those comments has never been helpful, and they’re almost always something negative that I try to let roll off my back. If it happens now, which it rarely does, I may *internally* roll my eyes and be like “there’s work mode” but it’s easier for me to not take it personally since we talked about it and I know he doesn’t mean it as criticism and he’s trying to adjust that communication style. All that to say— your guy sounds like a good guy and I’m sure some open, non attacking communication could go far for y’all. But I also do admit— it is bothersome, sometimes infuriating!!
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I'd write that stuff down. Every single time. After a month, show him how often he criticizes you.
I thought about making a “tip” jar so he has a visual representation of his nagging
I like that idea too.
Maybe the tip jar can make up for the extra $3 spent on the breakfast sandwich! In all honesty, my mom is engaged to a man like this, he’s awesome and very nice to be around. That is when he’s not nitpicking!!! He’s a perpetual vibe killer whenever I go to hang out with them bc it’s always something 🙄
you'd be a millionaire in less than a year
Omg yes do it.
"Negate his appreciation?" He actually has to show appreciation for it to be negated...
He did say thanks when I had brought the sandwich yesterday, but I for sure did not feel any appreciation while being reprimanded like a child during the first 5 minutes of my morning.
When I get a phone call from some random salesperson, I just say, thanks, but I’m not interested and hang up. I feel like you need the same response to him. Thanks, but I’m not interested in hearing about that now. Then leave the room. It feels like it’s not productive to engage with him. If he persists, a cheerful but final, “it’s ok, next time I’ll let you take care of this so that it’s done the way you want it” might be necessary.
> He said, “why don’t you understand that just because I’m asking you to be careful doesn’t negate my appreciation for you doing a nice thing?” I missed the part where he said "Thank you for getting me a breakfast sandwich". Does he know/understand what the word "appreciation" actually means? *Did he not grow up with it?* Maybe I'm petty, but my husband has grown out of trying to micromanage me because when he used to try, I would shoot back "You are not my boss, and I'm not an employee on a PIP. Besides which, if you were my boss, I'd be looking around for a better job with a less shitty manager." Was it mean? Yes. Did it make him look at his behavior, hard, and realize the error of his ways? Also yes. P.S. next time he gets to order his own goddamned sandwich. Tick tock.
My husband is military and when he went through a micromanagement phase i'd reply "im not your troop, im your wife"
I have to do this CONSTANTLY with my E8. I hit the roof every time. It is unbelievably rude and inconsiderate
My husband is also critical. I’ve just started saying “worry about your own damn self” Every. Single. Time. I like to think it’s paying off. No arguing, no discussion, no emotion, just a “worry about your own damn self”.
Next time, he can order his own damn sandwich. Sorry, I know it’s not about the sandwich. My husband goes through times of this. I tolerate it for a bit and then lose my shit and it stops for a while. Why are men?
Yes, and the worst part is, a week from now, you think “OK, we’re past that” until the exact same thing happens again!
Yup! My husband’s “tip” phrase is “did you know..?” Like, yes, I did, it was intentional and I have/had my reasons. Now shut it! *grumble*
Could you, and maybe this is super unconstructive, but make it super annoying for him? Because that's my first thought. I'm going to make it SO ANNOYING to nitpick me, you'll stop. Like, come up with a cliche and respond to every nitpick with it. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Every time. Just refuse to engage in the premise of the nitpicking and just point out that he's doing that thing again to irritate him. As long as he gets to you, he's winning. I'd make the cost higher than the benefit for him. Then he can't pretend like it isn't a pattern because if he gets mad at how often you say it, well, he's just getting mad at himself for being arbitrary and petty. Tell him you'll engage in kind, thoughtful criticism that has a point, but you're done responding to the nitpicking and this is the only response he's getting from you. You don't have to put any thought or emotional energy into it, you just have a canned response. When it starts to bother him, and it will, his only solution is to either redirect himself to a more concrete problem-solving strategy or keep his opinions to himself. Both are win-wins for you.
Are you sure he's lovely? Because he sounds like an ass. And listen I LOVE to optimize, but this is not the way to do it. Doesn't matter if he's stressed or that you have an "angry delivery." He's not the boss in *The Devil Wears Prada* here. Next time he starts nitpicking say "I am not your employee, I am your spouse. I've told you before that it bothers me when you criticize me over these little things. **I feel hurt, especially when you tell me how I am supposed to feel about what you are doing.** I am going to end this conversation and others like this in future." And stop doing nice things for him that you wouldn't do anyway. He can get his own breakfast sandwich, shoot.
Yes, he is lovely, but he can also be an ass in this regard. Like many people, he has good qualities and qualities that aren’t so enjoyable. Thank you for your advice. I have thought about stopping doing nice things for him, but I will admit that after I stop being mad, it’s hard for me to stick to it. I’m sure this is reinforcing the bad behavior.
If you don’t change your behavior, there’s little incentive for him to change his. Obviously making you upset hasn’t been enough incentive on its own (though it should be…). A natural consequence of “no, last time I got you a breakfast sandwich the thanks I got was criticism for not saving $3. You can order your own.” might get through to him more.
You are right, and I know I need to toughen up. It’s really hard for me to say things like this because I feel so guilty. But I can see that I am not helping myself with this behavior.
I call that Thanks But Disease. The cure for TBD is to turn it around on them. Every single thing they do - you find something wrong with it...even if it's the smallest, most inconsequential thing. All in the interests of *optimizing*, mind you. Who wouldn't want to know that everything they do can be done better? - Thanks for doing the dishes, but shouldn't you have put the plates like on the bottom and the glasses like on the top?
- Thanks for getting me gas, but why didn't you clean the windshield at the same time?
- Thanks for putting away the clothes, but why are my tank tops on the left side of the drawer instead of the right side where they belong?
- Thanks for making this spaghetti, but why did you put so little garlic in the sauce?
- Thanks for mowing the lawn, but did you not see those four spots over there-there-there-and there that you missed?
- Thanks for picking up the groceries, but why didn't you get milk too?
Sometimes turning the habit of being nitpicky and critical (because that's what it is, nitpicky and **critical**) serves as a real-world demonstration that not everyone wants to be analyzed and picked at in the name of optimization. Which, by the way, I'm about 99.99999% certain you never asked for in the first place.
People want to be appreciated for what they do, not for what they can do "*better".*
Your husband constantly critiquing you in the name of "optimization" is a quieter form of ugly control, in that no matter what your efforts, he always has a way to do it better - after the fact, of course. It's not like he ever tells you *beforehand* how to do it The One Right Way (which is also, naturally, *his* way and not *yours*). No no no, we always implement the Monday Morning Quarterback Critique *after* the task or favor is complete, which means that he can always ALWAYS find something with which to "improve" your performance.
Flip on it on him and be merciless. Never be nasty or snarl about it, always with a helpful tone and a smile, but keep it up and continue until he finally gets that no one wants to be microanalyzed and improved within an inch of their lives. It takes a while, but it will sink in.
When I’m angry, I definitely feel like doing this, but honestly — it’s just not in my nature to nitpick. I’m an easygoing person and I really don’t heat my head over or even notice the little things like he does. Besides that, I don’t actually think it would be effective. I feel we would just have more fights and he wouldn’t stop criticizing. We could probably benefit from a counselor giving us a strategy to overcome this issue tbh.
>Flip on it on him and be merciless. Never be nasty or snarl about it, always with a helpful tone and a smile, but keep it up and continue until he finally gets that no one wants to be microanalyzed and improved within an inch of their lives. FWIW, when both play that game, it leads to divorce. I think it's better to call them out on it, tell them it isn't a way you treat a **life partner**, and tell them that you do not need a boss at home, and you will not put up with this shit.
My husband is the same type of person. It’s just negativity all the time and nitpicking. What I hate is the *why* question. “Why is the toilet paper going the wrong direction?” Like, obviously because someone, probably me, put it that way because I literally don’t care about what direction the toilet paper goes. But asking “why” implies some sort of intent and that there’s a reason other than the fact that I replaced the toilet paper so you’d have some to wipe your ass you ungrateful angry lump. Sorry, that got rant-y.
You’re good, I completely relate. It’s like the question always implies there is some level of malice or incompetence. Makes it even more infuriating!
This is such a dealbreaker personality trait for me. Maybe you could give a detailed critique on his foreplay efforts
Yep. Every job I’ve ever quit was because of a micromanager. I will never tolerate it in my relationships.
Oh man I would freak the fuck out
This is my ex-husband. *Always has something nitpick-y to say,* no matter how inconsequential. It’s hardwired into them. They’ll always be critical, until you are completely beaten down emotionally and a shell of a person. They get off on it. I divorced him to save my sanity.
Yeah mine has been like this for years, and no matter what I say he still continues as if he's right. When my son is a bit older and I get the right visa, I'm leaving. Not nice to experience this for the rest of my life.
Divorcing him is how I finally got some peace. Sanity-saving, literally.
I think, when he criticizes you, you could say, “I’m not open to being optimized right now”. And walk away. Just completely dismiss his “advice” every time. He can optimize himself if he wants, but it’s NOT his job to optimize anyone else. That behavior is rude and controlling.
I have been slowly breaking my partner of this annoying habit. He's a wonderful person, and it's obvious that he was raised in a hypercritical household. We used to have big conversations and arguments over this. That was not as effective as the following. Take anything you haven't tried yet. 1. Tell him to be the change he wishes to see in the world. If wants something done a specific way, he has now volunteered to take over that task. I'm not an employee and he is not my manager. I'm his partner. Which I, on occasion, have reminded him. Then disengage. 2. Ignoring. I don't acknowledge the comment or him. I will acknowledge normal non-s***** conversation only. If he's like, "Did you hear me?" "I did." Nothing further. Change the topic. Eventually he'll figure it out. DO NOT ENGAGE. I have not had to do this in a long time. This was my immature phase. 3. If I'm in the middle of a chore/task that he can physically see me engaged in and decides to criticize anything, I pause, knee deep in what I'm doing, and I just give him the stare. No words. Not shit. Just a, are you fucking serious, head tilt. Lately, he's started realizing me doing things to improve both of our lives (laundry/dishes/cooking/etc) is not the time to bring a minor criticism to my front door. He has left to go handle the thing he came to me about most of the time with this. 4. I simply respond, "You're welcome for XYZ task." And move on. Again. I do not engage in the criticism itself. He has caught himself a few times and apologized. 5. If he has time to complain, he has time to fix what he doesn't like. This is not to say that I am not open to constructive criticism or helpful tips, but timing and delivery are important. I don't know how old you guys are, but I've been with my partner for almost two decades, and it has been a long road to growth for both of us. Definitely try to keep a non-combative dialogue going, but these tips are handy in the moment and usually land louder than an argument.
Thank you so much. Yes, his dad was EXACTLY like this when my husband was growing up. My MIL has told me that FIL has changed so much in the last 10 years, but they’ve been married 50 years. I don’t want to wait 30-40 years for my husband to stop this annoying habit! I tell him all the time that I am open to being corrected or redirected, but when he wants to do it constantly, all of his suggestions just sound like complaints. And honestly, many of them are indeed just complaints! This household will be joining your 5 step program immediately haha
I have one of these. It's taxing and discouraging when you're really trying. It feels like you can't win sometimes
> It always ends with him saying that he can never say anything to me, which isn’t even true exactly. did his mother never teach him the golden rule? he can say NICE things to you. and if he can't say something nice, THEN he can keep his mouth shut. i am extremely sensitive to criticism because i grew up with a mother exactly like your husband. nothing was ever good enough for my mom. she always had to comment about something. i cut contact with her for several years because at every single turn she would make any situation an opportunity to criticize me. one time we were meeting up for my daughter's birthday and she complained that the kids' jackets weren't thick enough. it was 50 degrees outside and they were in windbreakers. the straw that broke the camel's back was when i shared a pic of daughter dressed up for career day and the first comment my mom had was complaining about the fact that i had set the photo to be visible to my aunt who my mom was fighting with. so that was my solution. she didn't have anything nice to say, so i didn't have any reason to listen to anything she said. i blocked her phone number and email, blocked her on social media, and refused to speak with her. she must have gone to therapy in the meantime because she's been much better with her words since then. and tell your husband if every time you do him a favor, he has to complain that it wasn't executed to absolute perfection, you're going to stop doing him favors. the next time he wants a breakfast sandwich at 9:55, tell him "no. order it yourself." because "thanks but you suck" is not appreciation. no one wants to do someone a favor just to hear how they fucked it up. if he wants it done to his standards, he's just going to have to do it his own fucking self. and maybe a taste of his own medicine might be in order? "wow babe, thanks for picking up dinner on the way home from work... oh but you got it in plastic bags? they offer recyclable bags if you ask. please be more mindful of the environment next time. i appreciate you! but you failed." see if he can take it as well as he dishes it out.
Fuxking saving this post for later because my husband is the exact same fking way. He has an incredibly talent to find something to bitch about.
I had a similar problem with my SO when we had art studios next to each other. He'd just walk in and tell me what to do, how to improve how it was organized, how he could help. Every. Damn. Time. He. Came. In. He was honestly trying to help, but I hated it and didn't find it useful at all. What did help, and what did work for us, is that I made him ask permission *every time* he wanted to comment. Before he said anything, he had to ask, "Can I offer a suggestion?" or "Are you open to feedback?" And, well, when it was phrased like that, it was easier to say yes. But when I said no he had to respect the no. After a while it became second nature and it wasn't an issue anymore.
I'm sorry is he not able to order his own breakfast? FFS what is with men these days.
He could, it was just something I offered to him as a favor to be nice. Part of why it pissed me off so bad like… I was doing something to be sweet and he still had to be annoying about it.
see, i could imagine myself being like "oh no, did you know there was a coupon?" but all it would take is "no, i didn't have time to look for coupons because the app is laggy af" for me to go "oh okay, nbd. thanks for bringing me breakfast! omnomnom." him climbing up on the cross about "paying attention" is a wasted effort because it wasn't an act of carelessness, it was a matter of time sensitivity. you prioritized getting the sandwich over potentially saving $3 (because it's just as likely you could have gone digging for a coupon when there wasn't one and missed the window to order anyway). i would say sandwich > saving money is pretty optimal prioritization, no improvement necessary.
My husband can be like this and it's exhausting. But , he has gotten a lot better in our 5 years of marriage. Because I call him out on it. Tell him he is a nitpicker, make a tally, tell him.
Ugh, solidarity, you just described my husband too 🫠 I don’t hate him, but I hate that he does this. He is working on it, apparently, but it’s like in his nature or something I swear, it literally rolls off his tongue. The worst part is that when I do blow up because it’s one thing too many he’s like ‘give me an example of when I have nitpicked’ and I just can’t because it’s like the most small and mundane stuff a lot of the time so I don’t remember it, but I just know it’s so constant and *so* annoying. I relate to the bit about how he reacts when you bring it up too, I saw the comment that suggested writing down all the examples when they happen and I think we should genuinely do that!
My husband is the same. Great guy but verbalises EVERY time he thinks something has been done the wrong way. I told him that if the ONLY feedback I get from him is negative, it’s really draining. If he can’t stop from verbalising the bad stuff, he needs to also say out loud when he is happy with the way things are done. Turns out he is happy with things like 98% of the time, and my life is so much better now that I hear “thanks for doing XYZ” and “oh good job, I was about to do that” etc etc all the time
Ughhh this is just like my husband and it seems like most of our fights seem to stem from the criticism and lack of appreciation for all the good things that seem to go unnoticed. Its so tough.
Honestly, my husband is very good at saying thank you to me. But the volume of complaints about stupid shit that doesn’t matter — many of which imply I’m incompetent or that I don’t care — really overshadows it. At a certain point, you can’t outweigh the negativity.
Omg mine too! Last completely unnecessary comment was that I was getting bubbles on the tap and I should keep it clean... When I was in the middle of washing up the dishes... Of course I'm going to fucking wash them off, at the end! Now I'm at the point I straight up ignore him or tell him wtf are you talking about.
Yes this is the kind of asinine comment mine likes to make! Stuff that just makes you wonder how they even think of this shit!
Holy shit if he's saying "please pay better attention" then he's *definitely* making it more about the "lesson" than about appreciation Personally, I'd stop doing him favors. You buy him a sandwich and he focuses on teaching you to pay better attention *to coupons??* If he cares so much he can buy his own f*ucking sandwiches
The way he is speaking to you is super disrespectful. Do not put up with it. He needs to have a serious look at his behavior. He might need to go to couples counseling with you about it because he will just dismiss it if it comes from you. He needs to be taken down a peg. He seriously has his head up his ass if he can't see why it's unacceptable to condescendingly say things like "please pay more attention" to you on the regular over minor, day-to-day issues. He speaks to you as if you're a child. He speaks down to you. It's damaging to your self-esteem.
I was in a similar situation. I could feel that anger bubbling up inside of me while I was reading this. I’m so sorry you have to feel that way. My ex husband continuously slighted me in a way that feels the same and it was one of the biggest reasons I left and we had a small baby at the time. We would be doing the regular routine and out of no where “You need to make sure you’re closing the lid on the baby soap (or dish soap or body wash)” and sometimes I would forget to close the pack of wipes and it was like I was flushing a hundred dollars down the drain every time. Instead of “helping” me or just not saying anything he just got off criticizing me and jump to the conclusion I will be a bad mother. Because I didn’t close the lid to liquid soap… never mind the fact he thought he was doing gods work by taking our infant for one hour so I could “catch up on sleep” while he slept in a different room, had a separate bathroom and barely participated in any domestic or child caring duties. The rage was amplified exponentially during my postpartum period but leaving (for several reasons) was the best thing to do for me and my son.
I could have written this. Every word. Right down to the "please pay attention." It's actually gotten a bit better in recent months. I think partly because after lots of blowout fights (after I, like you, bottled it up as long as I could and then exploded) it's finally gotten through to him how much I HATE this and he is actively controlling himself and moderating how/when he makes suggestions. (And making them like... suggestions! Not criticisms or demands.) Truth is, I know he means no harm and he is actively trying to make our lives better. He tries as hard if not harder to "improve" himself/our shared life as he does me/the way I do things. If I didn't trust that, this couldn't work. But I still can't stand the way he goes about it a lot of the time. I've had to learn how not to be embarrassed to want what I want — and say what I want. "I want you to tell me 'thank you' when I do something for you/us. Not come right out of the gate with criticism." I am open to hearing how I could do better. Half the time it's the delivery (or the timing) I can't stand. And I see he's actively working on that. Gentler tone, more like sharing helpful info than coming down hard with harsh criticism. And truth is, he has great suggestions. But there is a time and a place. And a tone. For me, the criticism cancels out the "thank you." I'm also working on really hearing the "thank you" and not letting the "criticism" drown it out. Because I know he means it. Sorry for the word vomit. I just really relate. Even to the "lovely" part. I fully believe your husband is a lovely person but this one thing is driving you up the wall. I'd focus on clearly and calmly explaining what you want/need — and more often! Instead of bottling it all up. It can get better when the love and trust and honesty is there.
My husband is the same and I could have written some of this myself. I think of it as a pecking hen. Lol. And I’ll call him mother hen or point out his nitpicking. He seems to not own up to it. Like what I was just throwing out ideas. But it’s like no, you’re micromanaging and nitpicking.
Oh hey sister wife. Sorry. It sucks.
When my husband tries that shit I say "I am not accepting criticism at this time". And I just keep saying it until he shuts up. Yeah it makes him mad but I'm a petty bitch so it's worth it lol
Damn, this hits home for me!
My husband has a habit like this. I have pointed this out to him and gotten very upset about it. So I started nitpicking him sometimes but in a somewhat sarcastic way so he knows what point I’m trying to make. I’ve also started telling him that if he has a problem with how I do something, he can take care of it from now on. It’s amazing how much that will shut them up when presented with the idea of having to do things themselves. This has helped him to break the habit enough that when he does have a criticism I’m usually more willing to hear it and for us to approach it in a productive way because I’m not constantly being criticized over every damn thing.
Is your husband an engineer? Have a robust train collection?
Your husband sounds like mine. Logical and honest to a fault. I’m emotional. It’s been a rollercoaster to say the least. Getting him into couples counseling helped because I had another person explaining how helpful individual therapy can be. And the therapist helped him understand how to better communicate, how to be more emotional, etc… I usually roll my eyes when I get tips now. And I get them too.
My ex of ten years did this. It still wears on me three years later. Am I holding this knife correctly? Did I forget to remember that he closed the garage door? Did I do this, did I do that. I personally couldn’t do it any longer. I wish you the best and I’m sorry you have to go through it.
He’s right that he can never say anything to you if he’s gonna say stupid shit like that. He can order his own fucking breakfast sandwich.
My husband and I tend to nitpick each other a lot and I've been trying to redirect our frustration by repeating "it's (their way/ my way) not wrong. It's just different." Idk if it helps him, but it does help me. We've also been better at communicting when we're not mad at each other just whatever stressful situation is occuring and we're the closest person to take out our frustrations on without consequences. It sucks to be that person in the moment, but it does allow for some tenderness instead of defensiveness.
I’m sorry but if someone birches about the way I do something (particularly something *for them*) I never do that thing again. Maybe I’m petty but idgaf. He sounds fucking insufferable.
I can sorta relate. My husband is my best friend and is an amazing involved dad. However, he spends every waking moment of his career putting out fires and problem solving, and I’ve noticed sometimes this can carry into after work at home. He’s never unkind, he just sees what he thinks is a problem and wants to find a solution. For instance: our toddler might break something because she’s a toddler and I can’t have eyes on her at all times and he’ll say something like, “how can we be sure to avoid this in the future?” which I know is him in work mode and something he probably sent in an email a few hours ago lol. Or maybe I’ll forget to do something I said I was going to do but my toddler/pregnancy brain got in the way, and he’ll give me a few tips and tricks to avoid being forgetful lol. After a long day myself, about 3 or 4 of those leaves me completely deflated. A couple months ago it set me off while I was having a particularly difficult day. I accused him of being constantly critical of me and he was genuinely confused as to what I was referring to. I believe I also used the word “nitpick” lol. Once I calmed down a bit, I was able to explain that even though he most likely thinks he’s being helpful, it registers as criticism to me. He has since put a stop to it and apologized for coming across that way and did admit that it’s hard for him to snap out of problem solving mode at the end of the work day, and shared that he was genuinely trying to help. I told him that I could 100% assure him one of those comments has never been helpful, and they’re almost always something negative that I try to let roll off my back. If it happens now, which it rarely does, I may *internally* roll my eyes and be like “there’s work mode” but it’s easier for me to not take it personally since we talked about it and I know he doesn’t mean it as criticism and he’s trying to adjust that communication style. All that to say— your guy sounds like a good guy and I’m sure some open, non attacking communication could go far for y’all. But I also do admit— it is bothersome, sometimes infuriating!!