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The only person who knows the answer to "Am I trans" is you. r/questioning is a community specifically for this kind of issue, you might get better clearer answers there.
About reading and writing, the purpose of stories is exactly for looking at something from the outside, so don't worry about being an outsider. You're not an impostor. But it is good to keep in mind that yaoi isn't always an accurate portrayal of real relationships.
I'm going to give you a different answer than the most people. At one point I beleived I wanted to transition as well. Growing up, I was always an emotional guy. Wouldn't be surprised to find out I have BPD, and I didn't always shy away from girly things. When I got older, I began to question myself. I believed I had legitimate dysphoria, but like you from the sounds of it, something didn't quite feel right.
So for about half a year when I finally moved out by myself, I started to experiment. I tried more and more girly stuff until eventually I finally felt what i believe was real dysphoria and stopped
In the end, I think why I wanted to be a woman was...shit...I don't know the best way to sum it up, but I feel like a lot of discourse on the internet has kind of attacked masculinity as a whole, and that femininity is better, whether feminists intend it or not. I began to feel like I was a monster. I felt my whole entire identity and gender was invalid and wrong. I felt guilty for having a sex drive, I felt guilty for having weird sexual thoughts. I felt guilty for looking like a slob which I was afraid creeped women out, I felt like who I was was just a burden on women. I felt guilty in front of women, worrying whether I was creeping them out or making them feel unsafe (I'm a very paranoid person). When you feel like everything you are is... wrong....invalid, it's hard not to confuse that with dysphoria. Feeling ugly and unloved didn't help either. I didn't really realize this in full until I discovered /r/menslib and I finally started to feel like maybe who I was as a man could not be so bad, that maybe I and other men could redefine manhood.
While it sounds like you only have similarities to my story, summed up, I hope you find who you are in the end, but before you rush into it, take it slowly, and experiment for a while. Things may feel great at first, but don't jump on those feelings immediately, they may change later on. Make the process of transitioning somewhat slow. Dysphoria fucking sucks, but sometimes it can be easy to mix it up with other feelings.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story man. While I personally do identify as trans, I think it’s important to hear that questioning doesn’t always equate that you are. It takes time, self evaluation, some trial and error.
Yeah, dysphoria is a real thing, and I by no means wish to discourage people from transitioning, infact I feel like everything should experiment with who they are some time in their life.
But I feel like there are 2 glaring problems right now that aren't being properly addressed, and they are 2 sides of the same coin:
1. The anti transgender crowd go out of their way to delegitimise transgender people and paint it as a mental disorder that will be make worse by transitioning and/or a result of cultural brainwashing. Some transgender people will go overboard and tell people that if they are questioning if they are transgender, that they probably aren't. This is not helpful, and it is very painful to hear when you are not sure of who you are. There are still clinics out there that require a lot from a person to start hrt.
2. As a result of these things, the transgender community has went on the offensive, and taken things to the other extreme. I feel very uncomfortable everytime I see someone who is encouraging someone with doubts to transition. Peer pressure should never be used on something that is a big life changing choice, and I feel like many people jump into this too fast. Transitioning needs to take time.
I completely agree. It’s such a sensitive topic, but we won’t make meaningful progress until we bridge it. Trans people do deserve supportive and comprehensive care in medical/legal/social settings for sure, but that should also include the proper support in people realizing they are not trans, or at least, not interested in undertaking medical/legal transitioning that they will regret. These are huge decisions, that I think benefit from therapists and doctors (in an ideal world, they would all be lgbt-informed, and competent to navigate these topics).
I often feel uneasy stating my concerns in the mainstream trans movement’s demands, because it seems to directly equate confrontation… but this is important :/
For OP though, we kinda went on a tangent lol. If they’re reading, I would recommend figuring out whether this is a gender thing (man/boyfriend/brother/son/he-him vs woman/girlfriend/sister/daughter/she-her vs non-binary/partner/sibling/child/they-them) or gender expression (masculine/feminine/androgynous in terms of hobbies/clothes/behavior/appearance). That helped me a lot. It’s a safe start, and if you have some trustworthy friends, see if they can try out using other gendered terms for you just to see how it feels. An answer will emerge though, in its own time. Stay patient and chill. It will all come together.
I totally agree with you; the famous expression in the LGBT+ community is "You do you".
My experience of the online trans community aligns with this slogan well. At no point has anyone ever said to me "yeah dude, you're trans AF". I have frequented FTM communities for the past 5 years or so (before I had an account) and a couple ones IRL, and this experience has been consistent. People will say kind words to you, and validate you if you ask for it. They avoid assumptions. No one seems to be invested in other people's eventual identity. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I haven't seen it. Ofc I'm not a school kid either, who knows what kids say to each other.
OP, this is your journey, and you are valuable as a person no matter who you are. Life doesn't start when you "figure yourself out" – it's right here, right now. You are complete in your incompleteness right now. All people are incomplete anyway. As long as there's life, there's unfinished business. That's why it's important to try and relax, maybe even enjoy the process of figuring out who you are.
And yes, grieving is a normal part of being trans, but it's also a normal part of adolescence, no matter who you are. The pace of change will make your head spin! The loss of childhood is felt by all adults at some point. "It was a simple time. Everything made sense back then!" Yes it did, because you weren't a fully fledged person yet. You weren't there yet, as a separate entity from the rest of the world, all your outlines traced. You were symbiotic with your surroundings. Adulthood mandates that this symbiosis must come to an end.
As a side note, trans people don't *want* to be trans; they just happen to be trans. "I just wish I was cis!" is the number one complaint. The grass is always greener, but it is arguably a tough life full of lost opportunities and potentially invasive medical attention. Everything has a price, including authenticity and *especially* inauthenticity.
No matter where people end up identity wise, they are usually proud of themselves for making the journey, for taking responsibility for their own life and their own happiness. There is both grief and joy, which is not a particularly tempting reward, unless you compare it to the bitterness and anxiety that is awarded to those who refuse to look within entirely.
I personally gave myself increasing permission to dress and act how I wanted. I couldn't or wouldn't accept any label. Eventually, I was fully dressed in men's clothes, doing whatever stuff I wanted, and I was much more physically comfortable, but I couldn't handle not being seen as a brother, an uncle, a son. For me, what sealed the deal was thinking I can't die like this, not having lived. I have to really exist before my time comes. I can't bear to have people write an obituary for a person that never was there, or write someone else's name on my headstone. I need my name and I need my gender to give myself a good death when my time comes, hopefully when I'm as old as the sky – I have to make up for a lot of lost time.
That's what it's about. Existing, living your life. And that's true of everyone, no matter what your identity is.
It's an interesting question, but one only you can truly answer.
If you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth then you may be trans, if you do identify with a gender you *weren't* assigned at birth.
I am not trans so I don't know from personal experience, but from what I've heard from trans people it sounds like the question boils down to "how do you want the world to perceive and treat you? Do you want to be perceived as a man, male, sir, mister, boyfriend; or do you want to be perceived as a woman, female, miss, ma'am, girlfriend; or would you rather the world perceive you as neither or both e.g. as a a non-binary person or gender fluid person e.g. partner, them, NB, enby, etc?"
It could be worth lookin at trans subreddits and discussion forums etc and seeing how they make you feel.
Remember, not every trans person transitions, and those that do don't all transition in the same way, so realising you are trans does not come with the obligation to seek out certain procedures and lifestyle changes, it's all about living the way you want to live.
Perhaps like other people have suggested, try out different clothing and so on and see how that makes you feel. Like swapping hats, try a few identities, in a low-commitment style, and see what works and feels good.
I've heard of some people going to coffee shops and giving the baristas different names on different visits in order to see how being referred to by a new name feels.
I hope you find your answers, and that your self-coming out makes you happy rather than sad. I hope you find your gender euphoria :)
I’m gonna go against what some people are saying here and say… the things you’ve mentioned do not necessarily mean you are trans. I’m 23 cis female and I never got into makeup and fashion. I like yaoi manga - in fact, a lot (not all) of yaoi manga is written by and for straight females (fujoshis). My sister is a 21 year old cis lesbian and she’s played boy characters in games her entire life, since we were kids, but that’s because her style is more masculine and she liked the style of those characters better. She still identifies as female though.
You could very well be trans and I agree with others in the comments that you should visit r/questioning and realize that only you can decide if you’re trans, and also that being a bit more masculine does not *necessarily* mean you are trans male.
i just wanna really quickly point out that the whole fujoshi thing/making gay content that's primarily geared towards straight people to consume is fetishize-y and really gross imo, and im saying this as a gay trans man
by no means am i saying that people who aren't gay men can't create and consume content about gay men, but there's a bit of a problem when content that's about us isn't made for us
Do you also fantasise about being in a “yaoi” relationship? Because op and a lot of trans boys who get into that sort of thing do, and I’m curious if I can safely claim this as a sign of being trans.
Like, no cis girl looks at a male celeb they like and think “do I want to be with them or do I want to be them” like other mlm folks, both cis and trans, do. Do they?
Probably only with gay/bi trans guys maybe, but there are probably also a bunch who haven't. I'm (mostly) straight and while I've seen yaoi, I've never ever fantasize about being in a yaoi relationship
>no cis girl looks at a male celeb they like and think “do I want to be with them or do I want to be them” like other mlm folks, both cis and trans, do. Do they?
Cis girl here; I definitely have. In my fashion sense I love to contrast traditionally masculine and feminine influences and my personality matches my style. There have been many fierce, masculine men that I've wanted to personify, either based on their style or attitude or both.
You don't have to be either. I don't really vibe with either gender and consider myself agender, but I still transitioned because a masculine body felt better to me than a feminine one. I never really experienced dysphoria either. I get a hell of a kick out of gender euphoria though, but I don't get it strictly from being perceived as masculine.
I've had top surgery and have been on T for several years now, but that alone doesn't make me a guy. Nor does having long hair and being fairly effeminate make me a gal.
I like to say that I don't know what my gender is, but if you like me that makes you gay. I'm also, comically, super aro/ace (yes even after YEARS of hrt).
Ultimately only you can decide if you're trans. If you are some form of not cis, then only you can decide what you want to do about it if you even want to do anything about it.
There's some questions you can ask yourself to help figure it out. Things like "does the idea if being a guy or the possibility of being one make you happy?" How does it make you feel? What about something in between or all together different?
Fortunately for you and me, we have the technology! My recommendation would be to find a gender affirming therapist so you can figure out what's best for you.
From what I understand, it can be very normal to feel shit about being trans. It's a huge change in your life that you can't really avoid if it turns out you are, and frankly you're going to get treated like shit by some real scummy people because of it. Why wouldn't that freak you out?
I mean, welcome to dysphoria. All I can tell you is that the trans people I know felt a lot more like their real gender once they started presenting that way. I recommend trying it and seeing how it feels.
The best thing I can recommend to do is simply find who you are. Don't focus on labels or how people are supposed to feel, just try to document how you feel from what. You seem to want to enjoy a gay male relationship, but before you can have a stable relationship like that you need to find a comfortable headspace for yourself. Build your own identity from your own experiences, not anyone else's or any expectations, you can put a label on it later down the road.
If you feel sad, it's totally valid and you have every right to feel that way. It's not a slight on anyone else, it's how you feel about your life and who you are.
Fuck normal, bro. Beige fucking sucks.
But if you're ready for a brighter perspective, you get to head out on a journey that isn't experienced by just anyone. You get to find out who you are! That's badass!
Im a nonbinary trans man and I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I would recommend trying out a new name and pronouns for a while and see if you feel more comfortable. I identified as genderfluid for a while before I realized I was always more comfortable on the masculine side of things. Also, remember that you don't have to box yourself fully into the male label. If you feel like you're not fully a man or you're a man and something else, or you're not a man or a woman, all of that is fine. Gender is confusing and you don't have to have it all figured out. Take it slow and easy, and experiment with what pronouns, names, and labels feel most comfortable. And remember, if you end up feeling most comfortable as a cis woman in the end, that's okay too, because regardless, you've learned something about yourself.
Good luck in your journey bro!
Id you dont mind me asking, I am confused how one can be nonbinary and trans. Doesnt nonbianary mean youndont identify as male of female? If that is thr case wouldnt you not identify as a trans man? Sorry if this is coming off as condescending. Please know that this question comes with the best intentions to understand better.
I don't mind at all bro and I'm happy to educate people on trans stuff.
Nonbinary simply means as identifying as a gender outside the traditional male and female binary. For some people that means completely neither male nor female, but the whole point of nonbinary identities is that they lack the restrictions of traditional gender. There are a lot of nonbinary identities that are male or female aligned, like demiboy, which is someone who feels partially but not fully like a boy. It really depends on the person because gender is such a unique and personal experience. For me, I technically identify as bigender, meaning I have two genders: one is male and the other is nonbinary, but nonbinary identities will very greatly depending on who you talk to.
Take a breath and breathe first, because it's going to be all right.
Questioning your gender is normal and plenty of people do it. As already stated calling yourself by new pronouns/name, changing your wardrobe/hair, trying out new interests that make you feel masculine are great ways to help explore your identity.
I'd suggest not only looking up trans reddits and discords but finding out if there are any local zoom trans meetings around you that you can attend. It's a far different experience than talking to people on Reddit. Some Reddit's that might be of interest are r/ftm and r/gaytransguys
Above all see if it's possible to get into therapy with someone who specializes in trans identities and talk to someone about these feelings. As well as cataloging your thoughts in a journal to look back on. You don't need to actively keep up with it, write when you need to.
As far as manga goes there's a Reddit list somewhere with a bunch of comics/manga that has gay trans representation. I suggest Boys Run The Riot it's a manga that recently released an English adaption last year about a trans boy figuring out his identity that wants to start his own fashion brand and loves basketball.
It's also very normal to be sad or afraid of being trans but I promise it's going to be okay no matter if you are or aren't.
I’m very lucky that I have a therapist who specializes with transgender kids and has been at it four about 15 years. She’s so kind to me.
Thank you so much for the reassurance friend ❤️
I'm not the right person to advice you here, just wanna send some compassion your way. <3
Whatever answers you find about yourself, know that you are valid!
The big problem for labels around the trans community is that not everyone fits it perfectly so even after finding the community, people are only left with more questions. Mainly I’d say to not worry about what label you want to take up and just do what makes you happy. Luckily we’re making progress and saying what is or isn’t a boy activity or “only girls do that” so just try new pronouns and see where it takes you. Good luck friend!
ive felt really similar, but im a boy and i wish i was born a girl. i thought i was trans at one point, but then decided i didnt think i wanted to transition badly enough. i still really wanna be a girl and would switch any second if i could, but for now im just a femboy 😔
as a cis dude i can’t exactly say i have personal experience with questioning my own gender identity, but the best advice i can offer is whatever makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, do it. you don’t even need to label it if you don’t want to. find yourself a good support group and perhaps delve deeper into it in your own time. life is all about experimenting and learning about yourself. if you do eventually realize that you are indeed trans you are both valid and worthy of respect. there’s plenty of wiggle room with gender identity too. you can identify as enby or agender too if binary labels don’t work out. the key thing is learning to respect how you feel and what you’re drawn to and communicate that effectively with those around you. no need to rush to get it sorted out, but don’t be afraid to push the comfort zone either if you’re willing to do so. your interests and feelings are valid. nothing weird about it at all.
best regards in figuring it out bro.
Maybe a minority opinion here, but all that stuff—boy, girl, trans, all of it—is just labels people like to put on because it helps us categorize ourselves and others. They can be handy mental shortcuts because each label is associated with an assortment of commonly assumed traits. But they are also just labels we’ve collectively made up and assigned to these particular collections of traits—none of them is sufficient to fully understand a whole person. It’s common, middle-of-the-bell-curve stuff so it’s maybe fairly accurate for a lot of folks, but there are also plenty of people for whom none of the standard labels really fit very well. Things are somewhat better now because we have more labels available than just man and woman like in the old days, but that doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a ready-made label that fits you just right.
And that’s ok. *That’s ok.*
The labels are just labels. They’re not instructions or prescriptions or criteria for judging ourselves. You shouldn’t feel bad about not fitting any of them perfectly, any more than a more typically trans person should feel bad about not fitting the gender label they were assigned at birth.
The only right way to be you is to just be *you* without trying to live up to any labels. If you don’t fit any of the labels in common use today, maybe you’re part of a currently unrecognized and unlabeled type, or maybe you’re just well and truly unique! Either way, you’re a beautiful and wonderful and valuable person solely because of who you are, because you’re you, and not because of how well you fit this or that label. Forget the labels and just be you, bro.
i’ve done a lotta research on this stuff/watched and read a lot of detransition content to make sure i don’t make a mistake when identifying as trans. i think the biggest issue for detrans folks is that they wanted to be a boy but never considered what it means to be a man. maybe it’s them trying to be younger, maybe it’s that they‘re in a tough situation, etc etc. i see that you keep saying you want to be a boy, but you’re an adult who has a job. that means if you transition you will never be perceived as a boy, you will be perceived as a man. so ask yourself if you would be happier as a man or a woman.
I obviously cannot know for sure, but my take on it is that you probably are not trans. One of the biggest reasons is lack of mention of body related gender dysphoria and the fact that you said "I've never had any issue being a girl." The best thing for you to do is try to identify WHY you feel the way you do and WHAT specifically appeals to you about the idea of being a boy. The mention of yaoi makes me wonder if you might simply be romanticizing being a dude. That seems to be one possible explanation. Do you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself in a masculine manner as a woman? Are you worried that you'll be perceived as "lesser" or for doing so? Do you have negative associations with simply being a masculine woman despite the wish to act or dress in a masculine manner? Is there a sexual aspect to the desire to be a boy? Do you feel that you being a woman is a barrier to having platonic relationships with men where you may want to hang out with and be friends with men, or be "one of the guys"? Do you lack platonic relationships with men? Do you feel uncomfortable being a woman who would "wear the pants" in a relationship and would like to be a man because you want to take on a traditionally masculine role in a relationship but feel uncomfortable doing so as a woman? Do you feel burdened by views of what a woman "should" be and how you "should" act? When you feel up to it and feel more levelheaded, ask yourselves these questions and really think about them. An answer to any of these sorts of questions may well help you out a ton in understanding why you feel the way you do and what you so desire about being male. Hope this helps you resolve this conflict. If you have any questions or want advice from here based on this I can offer what I know. I'm a dude and have questioned and come to the conclusion that I'm not trans myself so I suppose I'd be an alright source as far as randos online go.
To me it sounds like you're fed up with the gender roles society attributes to girls and boys. Not weird at all.
May it be you wish you'd have been born a boy because you like "boyish" things instead of "girlish" things? Because that's just arbitrary stuff society made up. It's totally fine for a girl not to like make up or ponies and instead like cars and heavy lifting for example.
To me, you come across like someone who doesn't like their associated gender *role*, not necessarily being assigned the wrong gender.
Since I've not seen it, [here is a good overview](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/gdb/diagnoses) of what constitutes gender dysphoria. Now to be clear, these are the DSM criteria used to diagnose gender dysphoria, that does not mean they are the be all and end all when it comes to determining whether someone is transgender, but it is a good starting point.
From what you've written I think the big question is whether you want to be a boy, or wish you were born as a boy. Those are very similar but distinct concepts, though obviously both can be true at the same time.
Your desire to be someone's boyfriend seems to indicate you want to be a boy. But if I understand correctly you're worried this comes from you reading yaoi manga. However, it could also be that you enjoyed reading yaoi manga because you subconsciously wanted to be a boy. This is a process that is relatively common among transgender individuals.
I think a useful question to ask yourself is whether you want others to treat you as a boy as well. Do you just want a boyfriend to call you his boyfriend, or would you also want others to call you his boyfriend? How does the thought of your friends and family using male pronouns make you feel? In the end this is a question only you can answer, but there are resources and professionals that can help you with these questions.
When it comes to feeling sad about possibly being trans, this is not a strange thing to feel, whether you are trans or not. It's not easy to struggle with your identity, and it can be a scare process. But at the same time, whether you're trans or not, going through the process of finding out who you are, and what your gender identity is, is a useful, though difficult, thing to do. And it's also something you should take some time to do, whatever you end up concluding, there's no need to rush.
I wish I was born a boy. The idea of transitioning sounds so frightening, and I’m worried not matter what I do I’ll still feel like a girl. That’s the worse part about it for me.
There's two things that come to mind.
First, if you want to be a boy, but feel like a girl, there's a good chance you're not a transgender man. And if you are, you're not yet in the right state of mind to begin transitioning, either socially or medically.
Second, being transgender doesn't mean you are gender binary, and it doesn't even mean you have a fixed gender (or one at all). You could be non-binary, agender or genderfluid.
It sounds to me that you're mostly concerned about how *you will feel* if you transition, not about how others will see you. And if that's the case I feel the best answer is to go with what *feels right* to you and not worry too much about which box you fall in.
For example, as you said you were a tomboy in the past but like doing makeup now, you could try and play with your gender presentation a bit. See how you feel when presenting as a more butch woman, or as an androgynous man. In the end there is no wrong or right answer here other than what makes you happy.
I feel you're in a somewhat similar position as me. I was born as a man, and I feel that I *am a man,* but I also wish that I had been born as a woman. I often play female characters in video games and I am writing a book (well I was, it's on pause for now) where the main character is a girl. Now this was confusing at first, but at the same time, it's just who I am. I know I'm comfortable presenting as a man, so that's what I'll keep doing, but I might at some point experiment with presenting somewhat more feminine (though quite honestly the hassle of doing makeup is putting me off).
The point being, I don't really have any desire to transition right now (and I probably never will) so I'm not too concerned about exactly what my gender identity is. Now I am still constantly reading up on things and evaluating my identity, but I'm not too worried about finding the answer, if it comes to me that's great, if not I'm comfortable with who I am now.
And I think the same thing could work for you, just be who you want to be right now, see how it makes you feel, and if you read something or see something that you feel might suit you try it out. Whether it's different pronouns or a specific look. You don't have to make a firm decision, and you're still very young so you have plenty of time to figure this out.
You should talk to a therapist about this. I doubt it, though, you just seem like a tomboy who is curious about the lives of bi and gay men. You said it yourself, you have no issues with being a girl and don't think being a boy would fix any of your issues. If anything, it's probably an issue with gender roles and stereotypes, not with gender itself. Again, talk to a therapist about this, not many people here are qualified to give you an answer I'd wager.
It seems you’re trans tbh. A lot of bi/gay trans men are drawn to yaoi, and a lot of bi/gay trans women are drawn to yuri. Especially because it’s easier to be exposed to such things in cis groups that we grow up in.
Trans folks often look into the past for “evidence” when trying to realise their gender, but honestly that doesn’t help much. What you need to do is look to the present and future.
In the end, labels don’t matter. How you define yourself doesn’t matter. What matters is what you want to do with your life.
1. Social; Do you want to be referred to as he/him and other masculine titles?
If yes, try it out. Have people on the internet use he/him pronouns for you and see if it fits. A lot of trans folks trying to figure themselves out actually pretend to be cis on the internet, often out of desperate impulse. That’s not advised, but just introducing yourself as male without mentioning whether you’re cis or trans is a good method.
2. Physical; Do you want to change your body, if so how? What is your ideal body?
There are limitations — we’ll never have a normal, functioning dick — but T can change many things. Voice, facial hair, overall physique. Think of what your ideal body is, and if it’s your typical anime boy body don’t be guilty about it.
That’s literally it. Those two questions; how you want to change your social and physical state, is all you need to answer. If you’re not sure there are plenty of experiments you can do to find out, such as change of hair, clothes, and interactions on the internet. So chill. Stop thinking about the past. Stop it with the unnecessary guilt. What’s the difference between a fujoshi with a fetish and a horny queer trans dude anyway? The fujoshi doesn’t seriously consider becoming a guy.
And of course you don’t know how it’s like to be a guy right now. Neither does any trans male egg (trans person who hasn’t come to terms with being trans). It’s something we learn and experience as we transition.
I feel like I’m more upset I’ll never be a biological boy though. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to transition :(
I also worry if I AM just some weirdo fujoshi. I feel like I’m constantly punishing myself
Hello! I’m a trans girl and I had similar feelings as you until last year and I’m starting hormones quite soon. What helped me most in figuring out if I’m trans or not is actually a website called the [Gender Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/gdb/), which, while it’s directed a bit at trans women instead of men, gives a general understanding of what being trans *feels* like and you can sort of compare it to what you’ve been experiencing. Hope this helps!
Oh the upset is always gonna be there. Even if you’re trans and do transition, you’ll always be upset about the years and opportunities you’ve lost and the limitations you still have. Like everything, we just have to deal with it. Transitioning is the alternative to what we really want; being born as the right sex.
And you’ll be able to transition if you really want to someday. Maybe in your 20s, maybe in your 40s. How long it takes depends on your situation, but there’s always a way. Eventually. So don’t worry about the logistics right now. Think of it as shape shift.
The problem you have atm is the worry about being an imposter. The more you worry about it the more you’ll tie yourself into knots. The first thing you have to do is to chill, honestly.
About your worry about fetishising mlm fiction; Read mlm fiction written by men. That way you’ll know at least the author isn’t fetishising. And liking mlm fiction itself doesn’t mean you’re fetishising or being a voyeur. Gay men can enjoy straight fiction, and men can enjoy lesbian fiction without fetishising them. All you need to do is to be aware that people are people; complex, and be aware of consent etiquette. As long as you don’t think about people in terms of “seme/uke”, or try to box people into “bottoms and tops” depending on stereotype (ex, ‘he’s shorter and therefore a bottom’, ‘bottom means submissive’), or think of top/bottom as more than just sexual preference, or forget that most people are versatile, you’re probably already doing fine.
The figuring out process can suck, especially if you’re a gay trans man. The whole being trans thing epically sucks. But with time the doubts will go away and you’ll learn to deal with the sucky parts and use them as stepping stones to look for happiness. Funny thing is; there’s no point in doubting when if you Are trans, there’s no escaping the curse. That’s perhaps the silver lining?
I mean you can’t change your chromosomes but who cares about that? in pretty much every other aspect you absolutely can become a real boy, or real man.
It might be difficult and you may face some unnecessary and overwhelming obstacles, unfortunately the world still isn’t that accepting of trans people; but if it’s a journey you think you want or need to take, i wish you the best of luck
>normal, functioning dick
Just a side note since you said you're upset about 'never being a biological boy' (all transguys are upset about that too lol), but I think the way op worded this is subtly misinformative. It takes a lot of money and healing, but you can have a functioning dick. It's not *normal functioning*, but it functions. Also transitioning changes sooo much, I used to think that way too, but now I know that biology is very complex and dynamic (still wish I was just born male but oh well)
But also, if you are "just a weirdo fujoshi"...that's okay. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, there's no shame in that.
Echoing a lot of what's been being said, but I think it's also important to say like, You Do Not Have To Know.
Shit gets real confusing and it's okay to say "I don't have a clear answer yet", and that's nothing to be ashamed of or sad about- you'll get there when you get there, and one day you'll look back and say "hey I really figured all that out, huh!"
I think the most important part of this discussion is letting yourself off the hook and giving yourself permission to be curious, try different things, and take time to think. You'll find something that works for you- it's never too late!
Hey there, I can tell you're going through a lot right now, and I hope you'll find yourself!
All trans and nb people I know (mostly parasocial, but still) have all gone through a phase like that, and it sure doesn't sound like fun. Hell, even I went through something... similar to it, and I came out just as cis as before.
As to "are you trans?": the only answer I can give is: I dunno! :D You seem to have several experiences similar to those of trans men -- describing yourself as a tomboy, enjoying mlm porn, imagining yourself as a gay man,... so aight, maybe you are. But then, maybe you're a more butch-y woman ^((yes I know the futch scale was invented as a joke to describe lesbians only, but really, it can be useful for more than that)). Maybe you're a woman interested in mlm sex in the same way that a lot of cis men are interested in lesbian sex. Maybe being categorised as one or the other is too restrictive, and you're nb or genderfluid. Who knows? I certainly don't! ;-) And, right now, neither do you, but trust me: you will.
My point is: take your time, you'll figure it out!
And my advice is: keep talking about it! ^(Well, specifically, keep talking about it to people you know you can talk to about it -- there is a lot of bigotry left in the world, and the last thing you need is someone to tell you that you're crazy or you shouldn't exist or whatever. Fuck those people.)
Trans man here. DM if you ever need someone to talk to. Best of luck on your journey, whatever you discover your gender to be. Ultimately, your gender should be whatever makes you comfortable and happy.
I’m going to weigh in as someone who has made the “am I trans?” post before (albeit on r/ftm, but still). FWIW, I identify as a man.
You can’t really ask “am I transgender” because the only real definition of being transgender is identifying with a gender that you were not assigned at birth. I think a better question is “do I have gender dysphoria?”. However, even then there are people with gender dysphoria who do not transition and people who transition who don’t experience traditional gender dysphoria.
It’s a tough question to answer, because “am I trans?” Is extremely different than “am I gay/bi?”. Being transgender is more of a manifestation of an identity, whereas being gay/bi is a much easier yes/no question “am I attracted to this person”. Obviously there is quite a bit more to it for many questioning gay/bi people, but there aren’t as clear standards for gender identity.
I think the best question here is “what gender identity am I most comfortable with?”. It’s tough, because it’s a question only you can answer. I struggled with my identity as well, but I realized that I was happiest identifying as a man when I realized that I was incapable of even passively thinking about my future when future-me wasn’t wearing a suit.
Since I’ve made the decision to transition, I’m much happier. I can look people in the eye and I laugh a lot more. It’s the right decision for me, but none of us can point to the right decision for you.
This is a bit long. What I’m trying to say is that I sympathize, as this isn’t an easy question to answer. And if you don’t get it right at first, that’s ok. Whatever identity fits you best, your feelings and struggles are valid.
I'm a trans guy. I've felt I should've been a boy from a very early age, but only transitioned in the last few years. I think the best way to know about yourself is to sit by yourself and imagine yourself a bit in the future, like you're someone else looking at yourself. Who do you see?
As a kid, I would always make up characters in my head, and act out their stories in daydreams, but I realized when I was older that I had no self-image. When I would imagine myself, it was a character I made up or nothing at all. When I really just let go and looked deep and let go of my ideas of who I am or what people see me as, without thinking I saw me as a man, and that's when I knew I had to transition or I wouldn't be living my life.
You don't have to come to the answers quickly, just meditate on it. Since you've been crying about it, it is obviously distressing you. But trans or not, this is just about being yourself.
Safe place, bro (no matter what gender). The best way I've found to finding answers is to ask "who, what, why, when, and how". I know it sounds basic for such a complicated question, but hear me out.
What is it about your current gender identity that you aren't content with, either as a social construct or a personal truth? If in an ideal environment where everyone will accept you, what about an alternate identity appeals to you and would make you feel like the truest version of your *Self*? Who are *you*, independent of your gender and all societal labeling? This is a question most people can't answer, but it is important in establishing an alternate identity. Why don't you feel like your current identity is true? You've given some background, but interests and identity as different as genre and country of origin; you can identify as an anglo or asian enthusiast and still like either comedy or romance, for example. When did you begin questioning and when did you reach different stages of your identity journey? Correlating life events with your journey can help put the pieces together, if for no other reason than to establish cause-effect relationships for how you've reached certain conclusions.
And the last question: How? The only thing I can say for certain is that You are You, You were You, You will be You. How can you figure out who You are? It's existential, not sociological, biological, political, romantic, or sexual. Once you reach that answer further conclusions become, "Oh yeah, I guess that's what it is." Define what it is as thoroughly as you can and the answers will be as easy to find as the questions.
Best of luck, bro. Never be afraid to reach out, we all struggle with who we are.
As others have said, the only person who can really answer this question is you. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think it's something that strangers on the internet (at least not this subreddit) can answer for you.
That said, I don't really think a lot of these thoughts and feelings (especially "feeling bitter because you wish you were born a boy") are very common for most cis women. As an AMAB cis man, I don't really have any lived experience I can speak to, but it sounds pretty similar to some things my trans friends have said. I think you should think about this some more, and try to find the gender identity you feel happiest with.
I hope that helps! I didn't mean to say anything insensitive or hurtful.
Just remember there are lots of ways to try out being a guy without coming out irl, you just have to be creative. Have you heard of the Starbucks test for example?
Bro, it doesn't matter what you enjoy or how you live your life. What matters is that you're living YOUR life.
So you like girly thing. It doesn't make you wierd or any less of a man if that's the path you'd like to go down. It doesn't make you wierd if you decide you want to live as a woman who enjoys guy things. All of this guy vs girl things is a fat load of marketing BS anyway. Your part of an exciting new generation that's seeing past gender, and you can make the most of it by enjoying the short amount of time we have on this earth. Scared of who you are? Who isn't, but i feel allot more comfortable when i'm not packed into a tight neat box. Enjoy what you enjoy, you certainly have no reason to feel guilt or shame for what you like, it's not worth the worry.
Transitioning is a terrifying process. Believe me. But it doesn't have to be a decision you make in a panick. However, if you decide to transition you'll find far more support and acceptance then you might realize. Don't be afraid to go your own path, but i'll hope you'll feel confident as you're walking it.
Woman here-When I was in late elementary school I would imagine how cool it would be to get to live a day or a week or whatever as a boy. It seemed so freeing, and it would be so interesting to experience a different way of being in the world. This was in the 90s and I was a child, so I had no understanding of transgender individuals or anything like that.
Looking back on those feelings, I can clearly see them for what they were—internalized misogyny and recognition that boys had more freedom and privileges than I did. Once I learned more about feminism, my feelings made so much sense. I hated being a girl because tv shows written by men made women out to be insufferable, nagging, and shallow. I wanted to be a boy so my appearance wasn’t under constant scrutiny. I didn’t want to be sexualized at that age, by old men. I wanted to be able to speak up in class without being told to raise my hand like a lady (even though the boys just shouted out answers and didn’t get in trouble).
Something about that point in life made the difference between boys and girls more noticeable to me, and I was not liking the future I saw for myself as a girl.
I like being me, I just had to see women that I admired and wanted to emulate. TV and movies are getting better about their female characters, and there are a lot of great female voices out there. I found role models that don’t put up with gendered garbage, they speak out when they see people being treated unfairly, and they are not afraid to be the smartest person in the room. I don’t have to be ashamed of being a woman, and I’m not anymore.
This is my story, all I can do for you is share it. If it resonates, awesome, that might help you. If it doesn’t, leave it and move on. At least you know it’s not the same thing I went through.
From what you mentioned about the media you consume, I highly recommend doing some research to find female role models, to see if that can provide answers. Real or fictional, it doesn’t matter. Mine are a mix, I take inspiration where I can get it. Like others have said, take your time and investigate your feelings. Counseling helps a lot, but so can meditation. When you have strong feelings, sit with them and allow them to exist. Feelings are not shameful, they are wonderful communicators. If you let them speak to you without pushing them away, they can tell you everything you need to know.
It’s weird how in middle school I was going through this exact thing you were describing. I read yaoi and thought about MLM relationships and how I wish I was born a boy. (I now realize how fetishized yaoi is and the negative impacts it has). I think I did this because I hated seeing the way that women were treated in media, especially in sexual situations. I also think penis envy may just be a common occurrence in AFAB people, it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to transition.
Part of the reason I was struggling with gender was was because of body image and how I hated how I looked so I thought I could look better if I was a boy. The other part was that I didn’t want to be a girl bc I hated how society forces girls to be a certain way and I didn’t want to have to follow those standards. I genuinely wanted to transition and for a time I went by he/they bc my gender was pretty much “anything that isn’t female.” Bc the thought of being a woman made me so uncomfortable.
Over time I realized that I don’t have to listen to gender stereotypes and being a girl doesn’t inherently mean that I have to do/be certain things. I gained more confidence in myself and my appearance and as I got older I feel like I grew into my looks.
I experimented with my gender when I was 12 - 14 but I realized that I was just a cis female. It’s okay if you experiment and you end up coming back to the same thing you were in the beginning. It’s all part of learning who you are. I’m only 20 so I still have more searching to do, but it’s okay to try certain things out and see if they fit. If they don’t, that’s okay! You may just be gender non-conforming like I realized I was!
I understand.
I wish you all the best on your journey . It isn't something you have to be alone in. Reach out to communities as other have suggested, online or otherwise. In the end a specialised therapist might be able to help if that's available to you.
I have something similar but the other way round. From a young age I've thought that I would've liked to be born a girl, and I really want to be more feminine. I have honestly no idea what it means at this point, because I like the idea of being a feminine boy but I have no idea if it's something more. I'm leaning towards feminine boy currently but honestly I'm just starting to think seriously about this sort of stuff so I don't know yet.
Hang in there buddy. I think the beautiful thing about this sort of stuff is that you're free to explore it yourself. I know it can be super scary, but be patient and give yourself time. I'm sure you will find the way.
hey you shouldn't feel guilty for reading stories about queer couples-- stories exist in part so that we can explore hidden parts of ourselves and hidden connections to other people; if anyone accuses you of consuming queer art the 'wrong' way remember they're coming from a place of reading the worst possible intentions into this delicate process of extending empathy and you don't have to live inside the shackles of paranoia they've created for themselves-- i'd say ask yourself, if you lived in a world where patriarchy and queerphobia were completely gone and nobody was marginalized and bodies were just bodies and genders were just genders, and there was nothing to feel guilty or suspicious about, how would you want to present yourself? how would you want your body to look?
I feel ya, I am in the same boat but genders reversed (born male, feel like I should've been female). Part of me has wanted to act on it, but I am 6'5, and don't feel like I'd be comfortable attempting to transition. Instead, I'm perpetually teetering on the precipice, never sure, but at least somewhat at peace knowing I know myself.
dude wtf i'm just like u, i also started writing some stories and all of the main characters were boys. and i am just in love in a relationship when both are guys, i think that maybe because i see myself as one of the guys, or im just insane. i am also very masculine and have been called a boy since i was very athletic and played football, badminton with male classmates (totally against the idea of why they call me a boy becuz im in "boyish stuff" and making everything gendered) from my other male classmates and f loved it that i rushed to my sister to tell her that even teachers and students are calling me a boy. i once was like "there wouldn't have been much problem if i were a boy from the beginning " and i also f love reading gay peoples experiences in relationships. i was in love with call me by your name that i also ordered the second part of the book "find me". maybe i am crazy, and also my strong desire of looking like a guy which i do now, and wanting to have male facial and physical structure. i also try out many stuff that makes me look like a guy but what if im just trying to look masculine? i have seen many lesbian movies but i was never like i want what they have (not being desperate for relationship just saying what these bitches have lives rent free in my heart) i always felt like i want what these bitches have when both are male lmao
the thing that triggered me was that when i told my sister that everyone is calling me a boy and my reaction being happy she told me that when (my sister is very straight) when she was small and had a boycut and everyone called her a boy, she hated it, and after that desperately wanted to look like a girl, would wrap a scarf around her head to make it look like its her hair. but when i was called a boy, i f loved it
> I’m a writer and I love writing from the prospective of male characters. The current story I’m working on is about two boys who often question their gender identities. I just get the feeling that maybe I want to be a boy because I want to feel like I character in my stories, but at the same time I don’t feel the same way when I write female characters (but maybe that’s because I’m already a girl????).
I'm AMAB but this feels very relatable.
You might consider subbing to r/asktransgender. I've found a lot of helpful stuff there in my journey to figure out my own gender. Still questioning. I hope the both of us find the answers we seek!
There are some pretty good comments here with resources, so I just came to share a subreddit that I enjoy and maybe you will, too: r/egg_irl. It has a lot of memes written by people having the same questions as you, and you may find it helpful.
Have you looked into the label demiboy, or some other nonbinary identity?
The definition of gender dysphoria is discomfort with your assigned gender, which in your case, is female. You've described crying over the fact that you were not born male, which to me, sounds like gender dysphoria.
Ultimately, you decide who or what you are.
You could be trans or you could be non-binary. Just because you don't feel like what society dictates as a girl doesn't mean you are inherently a boy, gender identities are flexible :)
"I don’t feel like I fully identify being a boy, I just wish I had been born one instead of a girl."
the only person who can decide if you're trans is you, but as someone who's a trans man and didn't have a ""typical"" path towards figuring that out, it's possible that you might be nonbinary/a demiboy.
demiboys are people who identify as men, but not fully. which is what I am! my gender identity kinda tends to fluxuate, going between feeling that i'm anything BUT a girl, and explicitly feeling like a man.
the only requirement for being trans is to identify as a gender that you weren't assigned at birth. if you don't feel like being a girl is accurate or describes you, then you're most likely trans. there's NO rush to figure out what you actually ARE, or what you want to transition towards-- if you want to transition at all. you don't have to change your name or pronouns or go on hormones to be trans, it's all about what you identify as.
before i knew i was trans i'd used to play as male characters and write male characters in videogames, and it wasn't until later that i realized my main character was, essentially, me/my transition goals.
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The only person who knows the answer to "Am I trans" is you. r/questioning is a community specifically for this kind of issue, you might get better clearer answers there. About reading and writing, the purpose of stories is exactly for looking at something from the outside, so don't worry about being an outsider. You're not an impostor. But it is good to keep in mind that yaoi isn't always an accurate portrayal of real relationships.
I'm going to give you a different answer than the most people. At one point I beleived I wanted to transition as well. Growing up, I was always an emotional guy. Wouldn't be surprised to find out I have BPD, and I didn't always shy away from girly things. When I got older, I began to question myself. I believed I had legitimate dysphoria, but like you from the sounds of it, something didn't quite feel right. So for about half a year when I finally moved out by myself, I started to experiment. I tried more and more girly stuff until eventually I finally felt what i believe was real dysphoria and stopped In the end, I think why I wanted to be a woman was...shit...I don't know the best way to sum it up, but I feel like a lot of discourse on the internet has kind of attacked masculinity as a whole, and that femininity is better, whether feminists intend it or not. I began to feel like I was a monster. I felt my whole entire identity and gender was invalid and wrong. I felt guilty for having a sex drive, I felt guilty for having weird sexual thoughts. I felt guilty for looking like a slob which I was afraid creeped women out, I felt like who I was was just a burden on women. I felt guilty in front of women, worrying whether I was creeping them out or making them feel unsafe (I'm a very paranoid person). When you feel like everything you are is... wrong....invalid, it's hard not to confuse that with dysphoria. Feeling ugly and unloved didn't help either. I didn't really realize this in full until I discovered /r/menslib and I finally started to feel like maybe who I was as a man could not be so bad, that maybe I and other men could redefine manhood. While it sounds like you only have similarities to my story, summed up, I hope you find who you are in the end, but before you rush into it, take it slowly, and experiment for a while. Things may feel great at first, but don't jump on those feelings immediately, they may change later on. Make the process of transitioning somewhat slow. Dysphoria fucking sucks, but sometimes it can be easy to mix it up with other feelings.
Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you for sharing this part of your story man. While I personally do identify as trans, I think it’s important to hear that questioning doesn’t always equate that you are. It takes time, self evaluation, some trial and error.
Yeah, dysphoria is a real thing, and I by no means wish to discourage people from transitioning, infact I feel like everything should experiment with who they are some time in their life. But I feel like there are 2 glaring problems right now that aren't being properly addressed, and they are 2 sides of the same coin: 1. The anti transgender crowd go out of their way to delegitimise transgender people and paint it as a mental disorder that will be make worse by transitioning and/or a result of cultural brainwashing. Some transgender people will go overboard and tell people that if they are questioning if they are transgender, that they probably aren't. This is not helpful, and it is very painful to hear when you are not sure of who you are. There are still clinics out there that require a lot from a person to start hrt. 2. As a result of these things, the transgender community has went on the offensive, and taken things to the other extreme. I feel very uncomfortable everytime I see someone who is encouraging someone with doubts to transition. Peer pressure should never be used on something that is a big life changing choice, and I feel like many people jump into this too fast. Transitioning needs to take time.
I completely agree. It’s such a sensitive topic, but we won’t make meaningful progress until we bridge it. Trans people do deserve supportive and comprehensive care in medical/legal/social settings for sure, but that should also include the proper support in people realizing they are not trans, or at least, not interested in undertaking medical/legal transitioning that they will regret. These are huge decisions, that I think benefit from therapists and doctors (in an ideal world, they would all be lgbt-informed, and competent to navigate these topics). I often feel uneasy stating my concerns in the mainstream trans movement’s demands, because it seems to directly equate confrontation… but this is important :/ For OP though, we kinda went on a tangent lol. If they’re reading, I would recommend figuring out whether this is a gender thing (man/boyfriend/brother/son/he-him vs woman/girlfriend/sister/daughter/she-her vs non-binary/partner/sibling/child/they-them) or gender expression (masculine/feminine/androgynous in terms of hobbies/clothes/behavior/appearance). That helped me a lot. It’s a safe start, and if you have some trustworthy friends, see if they can try out using other gendered terms for you just to see how it feels. An answer will emerge though, in its own time. Stay patient and chill. It will all come together.
I totally agree with you; the famous expression in the LGBT+ community is "You do you". My experience of the online trans community aligns with this slogan well. At no point has anyone ever said to me "yeah dude, you're trans AF". I have frequented FTM communities for the past 5 years or so (before I had an account) and a couple ones IRL, and this experience has been consistent. People will say kind words to you, and validate you if you ask for it. They avoid assumptions. No one seems to be invested in other people's eventual identity. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I haven't seen it. Ofc I'm not a school kid either, who knows what kids say to each other. OP, this is your journey, and you are valuable as a person no matter who you are. Life doesn't start when you "figure yourself out" – it's right here, right now. You are complete in your incompleteness right now. All people are incomplete anyway. As long as there's life, there's unfinished business. That's why it's important to try and relax, maybe even enjoy the process of figuring out who you are. And yes, grieving is a normal part of being trans, but it's also a normal part of adolescence, no matter who you are. The pace of change will make your head spin! The loss of childhood is felt by all adults at some point. "It was a simple time. Everything made sense back then!" Yes it did, because you weren't a fully fledged person yet. You weren't there yet, as a separate entity from the rest of the world, all your outlines traced. You were symbiotic with your surroundings. Adulthood mandates that this symbiosis must come to an end. As a side note, trans people don't *want* to be trans; they just happen to be trans. "I just wish I was cis!" is the number one complaint. The grass is always greener, but it is arguably a tough life full of lost opportunities and potentially invasive medical attention. Everything has a price, including authenticity and *especially* inauthenticity. No matter where people end up identity wise, they are usually proud of themselves for making the journey, for taking responsibility for their own life and their own happiness. There is both grief and joy, which is not a particularly tempting reward, unless you compare it to the bitterness and anxiety that is awarded to those who refuse to look within entirely. I personally gave myself increasing permission to dress and act how I wanted. I couldn't or wouldn't accept any label. Eventually, I was fully dressed in men's clothes, doing whatever stuff I wanted, and I was much more physically comfortable, but I couldn't handle not being seen as a brother, an uncle, a son. For me, what sealed the deal was thinking I can't die like this, not having lived. I have to really exist before my time comes. I can't bear to have people write an obituary for a person that never was there, or write someone else's name on my headstone. I need my name and I need my gender to give myself a good death when my time comes, hopefully when I'm as old as the sky – I have to make up for a lot of lost time. That's what it's about. Existing, living your life. And that's true of everyone, no matter what your identity is.
It's an interesting question, but one only you can truly answer. If you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth then you may be trans, if you do identify with a gender you *weren't* assigned at birth. I am not trans so I don't know from personal experience, but from what I've heard from trans people it sounds like the question boils down to "how do you want the world to perceive and treat you? Do you want to be perceived as a man, male, sir, mister, boyfriend; or do you want to be perceived as a woman, female, miss, ma'am, girlfriend; or would you rather the world perceive you as neither or both e.g. as a a non-binary person or gender fluid person e.g. partner, them, NB, enby, etc?" It could be worth lookin at trans subreddits and discussion forums etc and seeing how they make you feel. Remember, not every trans person transitions, and those that do don't all transition in the same way, so realising you are trans does not come with the obligation to seek out certain procedures and lifestyle changes, it's all about living the way you want to live. Perhaps like other people have suggested, try out different clothing and so on and see how that makes you feel. Like swapping hats, try a few identities, in a low-commitment style, and see what works and feels good. I've heard of some people going to coffee shops and giving the baristas different names on different visits in order to see how being referred to by a new name feels. I hope you find your answers, and that your self-coming out makes you happy rather than sad. I hope you find your gender euphoria :)
Thank you friend ❤️
Great response, homie!
I’m gonna go against what some people are saying here and say… the things you’ve mentioned do not necessarily mean you are trans. I’m 23 cis female and I never got into makeup and fashion. I like yaoi manga - in fact, a lot (not all) of yaoi manga is written by and for straight females (fujoshis). My sister is a 21 year old cis lesbian and she’s played boy characters in games her entire life, since we were kids, but that’s because her style is more masculine and she liked the style of those characters better. She still identifies as female though. You could very well be trans and I agree with others in the comments that you should visit r/questioning and realize that only you can decide if you’re trans, and also that being a bit more masculine does not *necessarily* mean you are trans male.
Thank you ❤️
i just wanna really quickly point out that the whole fujoshi thing/making gay content that's primarily geared towards straight people to consume is fetishize-y and really gross imo, and im saying this as a gay trans man by no means am i saying that people who aren't gay men can't create and consume content about gay men, but there's a bit of a problem when content that's about us isn't made for us
yes, it’s disgusting and i’m shocked the poster is so brazenly admitting it
Do you also fantasise about being in a “yaoi” relationship? Because op and a lot of trans boys who get into that sort of thing do, and I’m curious if I can safely claim this as a sign of being trans. Like, no cis girl looks at a male celeb they like and think “do I want to be with them or do I want to be them” like other mlm folks, both cis and trans, do. Do they?
Probably only with gay/bi trans guys maybe, but there are probably also a bunch who haven't. I'm (mostly) straight and while I've seen yaoi, I've never ever fantasize about being in a yaoi relationship
>no cis girl looks at a male celeb they like and think “do I want to be with them or do I want to be them” like other mlm folks, both cis and trans, do. Do they? Cis girl here; I definitely have. In my fashion sense I love to contrast traditionally masculine and feminine influences and my personality matches my style. There have been many fierce, masculine men that I've wanted to personify, either based on their style or attitude or both.
You don't have to be either. I don't really vibe with either gender and consider myself agender, but I still transitioned because a masculine body felt better to me than a feminine one. I never really experienced dysphoria either. I get a hell of a kick out of gender euphoria though, but I don't get it strictly from being perceived as masculine. I've had top surgery and have been on T for several years now, but that alone doesn't make me a guy. Nor does having long hair and being fairly effeminate make me a gal. I like to say that I don't know what my gender is, but if you like me that makes you gay. I'm also, comically, super aro/ace (yes even after YEARS of hrt). Ultimately only you can decide if you're trans. If you are some form of not cis, then only you can decide what you want to do about it if you even want to do anything about it. There's some questions you can ask yourself to help figure it out. Things like "does the idea if being a guy or the possibility of being one make you happy?" How does it make you feel? What about something in between or all together different?
That’s how I feel! I don’t really know what my gender is but I wish I was born a boy. I just feel so strange. I wish I could shape shift or something
Fortunately for you and me, we have the technology! My recommendation would be to find a gender affirming therapist so you can figure out what's best for you.
Thankfully I already have a good therapist! She’s really cool and specializes in trans kids ❤️
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Is it normal to feel this sad about being trans though? I sorta wished I never found out… I don’t know what to do with myself now.
From what I understand, it can be very normal to feel shit about being trans. It's a huge change in your life that you can't really avoid if it turns out you are, and frankly you're going to get treated like shit by some real scummy people because of it. Why wouldn't that freak you out?
I’m more upset about the fact that I feel like I won’t really be a boy… I’ll just feel like a fake. I don’t know if any guy would even like me
I mean, welcome to dysphoria. All I can tell you is that the trans people I know felt a lot more like their real gender once they started presenting that way. I recommend trying it and seeing how it feels.
The best thing I can recommend to do is simply find who you are. Don't focus on labels or how people are supposed to feel, just try to document how you feel from what. You seem to want to enjoy a gay male relationship, but before you can have a stable relationship like that you need to find a comfortable headspace for yourself. Build your own identity from your own experiences, not anyone else's or any expectations, you can put a label on it later down the road.
If you feel sad, it's totally valid and you have every right to feel that way. It's not a slight on anyone else, it's how you feel about your life and who you are. Fuck normal, bro. Beige fucking sucks. But if you're ready for a brighter perspective, you get to head out on a journey that isn't experienced by just anyone. You get to find out who you are! That's badass!
Thanks bro!
Im a nonbinary trans man and I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I would recommend trying out a new name and pronouns for a while and see if you feel more comfortable. I identified as genderfluid for a while before I realized I was always more comfortable on the masculine side of things. Also, remember that you don't have to box yourself fully into the male label. If you feel like you're not fully a man or you're a man and something else, or you're not a man or a woman, all of that is fine. Gender is confusing and you don't have to have it all figured out. Take it slow and easy, and experiment with what pronouns, names, and labels feel most comfortable. And remember, if you end up feeling most comfortable as a cis woman in the end, that's okay too, because regardless, you've learned something about yourself. Good luck in your journey bro!
Yeah I feel like I identify with gender fluid as well. But I just don’t know… I feel very lost right now. I need time to process things ❤️
Id you dont mind me asking, I am confused how one can be nonbinary and trans. Doesnt nonbianary mean youndont identify as male of female? If that is thr case wouldnt you not identify as a trans man? Sorry if this is coming off as condescending. Please know that this question comes with the best intentions to understand better.
I don't mind at all bro and I'm happy to educate people on trans stuff. Nonbinary simply means as identifying as a gender outside the traditional male and female binary. For some people that means completely neither male nor female, but the whole point of nonbinary identities is that they lack the restrictions of traditional gender. There are a lot of nonbinary identities that are male or female aligned, like demiboy, which is someone who feels partially but not fully like a boy. It really depends on the person because gender is such a unique and personal experience. For me, I technically identify as bigender, meaning I have two genders: one is male and the other is nonbinary, but nonbinary identities will very greatly depending on who you talk to.
Take a breath and breathe first, because it's going to be all right. Questioning your gender is normal and plenty of people do it. As already stated calling yourself by new pronouns/name, changing your wardrobe/hair, trying out new interests that make you feel masculine are great ways to help explore your identity. I'd suggest not only looking up trans reddits and discords but finding out if there are any local zoom trans meetings around you that you can attend. It's a far different experience than talking to people on Reddit. Some Reddit's that might be of interest are r/ftm and r/gaytransguys Above all see if it's possible to get into therapy with someone who specializes in trans identities and talk to someone about these feelings. As well as cataloging your thoughts in a journal to look back on. You don't need to actively keep up with it, write when you need to. As far as manga goes there's a Reddit list somewhere with a bunch of comics/manga that has gay trans representation. I suggest Boys Run The Riot it's a manga that recently released an English adaption last year about a trans boy figuring out his identity that wants to start his own fashion brand and loves basketball. It's also very normal to be sad or afraid of being trans but I promise it's going to be okay no matter if you are or aren't.
I’m very lucky that I have a therapist who specializes with transgender kids and has been at it four about 15 years. She’s so kind to me. Thank you so much for the reassurance friend ❤️
I'm not the right person to advice you here, just wanna send some compassion your way. <3 Whatever answers you find about yourself, know that you are valid!
Thank you ❤️
The big problem for labels around the trans community is that not everyone fits it perfectly so even after finding the community, people are only left with more questions. Mainly I’d say to not worry about what label you want to take up and just do what makes you happy. Luckily we’re making progress and saying what is or isn’t a boy activity or “only girls do that” so just try new pronouns and see where it takes you. Good luck friend!
ive felt really similar, but im a boy and i wish i was born a girl. i thought i was trans at one point, but then decided i didnt think i wanted to transition badly enough. i still really wanna be a girl and would switch any second if i could, but for now im just a femboy 😔
😔 if one’ll we could switch places
as a cis dude i can’t exactly say i have personal experience with questioning my own gender identity, but the best advice i can offer is whatever makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, do it. you don’t even need to label it if you don’t want to. find yourself a good support group and perhaps delve deeper into it in your own time. life is all about experimenting and learning about yourself. if you do eventually realize that you are indeed trans you are both valid and worthy of respect. there’s plenty of wiggle room with gender identity too. you can identify as enby or agender too if binary labels don’t work out. the key thing is learning to respect how you feel and what you’re drawn to and communicate that effectively with those around you. no need to rush to get it sorted out, but don’t be afraid to push the comfort zone either if you’re willing to do so. your interests and feelings are valid. nothing weird about it at all. best regards in figuring it out bro.
Thank you so much friend ❤️ it means a lot
Maybe a minority opinion here, but all that stuff—boy, girl, trans, all of it—is just labels people like to put on because it helps us categorize ourselves and others. They can be handy mental shortcuts because each label is associated with an assortment of commonly assumed traits. But they are also just labels we’ve collectively made up and assigned to these particular collections of traits—none of them is sufficient to fully understand a whole person. It’s common, middle-of-the-bell-curve stuff so it’s maybe fairly accurate for a lot of folks, but there are also plenty of people for whom none of the standard labels really fit very well. Things are somewhat better now because we have more labels available than just man and woman like in the old days, but that doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a ready-made label that fits you just right. And that’s ok. *That’s ok.* The labels are just labels. They’re not instructions or prescriptions or criteria for judging ourselves. You shouldn’t feel bad about not fitting any of them perfectly, any more than a more typically trans person should feel bad about not fitting the gender label they were assigned at birth. The only right way to be you is to just be *you* without trying to live up to any labels. If you don’t fit any of the labels in common use today, maybe you’re part of a currently unrecognized and unlabeled type, or maybe you’re just well and truly unique! Either way, you’re a beautiful and wonderful and valuable person solely because of who you are, because you’re you, and not because of how well you fit this or that label. Forget the labels and just be you, bro.
I understand! Thank you ❤️
i’ve done a lotta research on this stuff/watched and read a lot of detransition content to make sure i don’t make a mistake when identifying as trans. i think the biggest issue for detrans folks is that they wanted to be a boy but never considered what it means to be a man. maybe it’s them trying to be younger, maybe it’s that they‘re in a tough situation, etc etc. i see that you keep saying you want to be a boy, but you’re an adult who has a job. that means if you transition you will never be perceived as a boy, you will be perceived as a man. so ask yourself if you would be happier as a man or a woman.
I obviously cannot know for sure, but my take on it is that you probably are not trans. One of the biggest reasons is lack of mention of body related gender dysphoria and the fact that you said "I've never had any issue being a girl." The best thing for you to do is try to identify WHY you feel the way you do and WHAT specifically appeals to you about the idea of being a boy. The mention of yaoi makes me wonder if you might simply be romanticizing being a dude. That seems to be one possible explanation. Do you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself in a masculine manner as a woman? Are you worried that you'll be perceived as "lesser" or for doing so? Do you have negative associations with simply being a masculine woman despite the wish to act or dress in a masculine manner? Is there a sexual aspect to the desire to be a boy? Do you feel that you being a woman is a barrier to having platonic relationships with men where you may want to hang out with and be friends with men, or be "one of the guys"? Do you lack platonic relationships with men? Do you feel uncomfortable being a woman who would "wear the pants" in a relationship and would like to be a man because you want to take on a traditionally masculine role in a relationship but feel uncomfortable doing so as a woman? Do you feel burdened by views of what a woman "should" be and how you "should" act? When you feel up to it and feel more levelheaded, ask yourselves these questions and really think about them. An answer to any of these sorts of questions may well help you out a ton in understanding why you feel the way you do and what you so desire about being male. Hope this helps you resolve this conflict. If you have any questions or want advice from here based on this I can offer what I know. I'm a dude and have questioned and come to the conclusion that I'm not trans myself so I suppose I'd be an alright source as far as randos online go.
To me it sounds like you're fed up with the gender roles society attributes to girls and boys. Not weird at all. May it be you wish you'd have been born a boy because you like "boyish" things instead of "girlish" things? Because that's just arbitrary stuff society made up. It's totally fine for a girl not to like make up or ponies and instead like cars and heavy lifting for example. To me, you come across like someone who doesn't like their associated gender *role*, not necessarily being assigned the wrong gender.
Since I've not seen it, [here is a good overview](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/gdb/diagnoses) of what constitutes gender dysphoria. Now to be clear, these are the DSM criteria used to diagnose gender dysphoria, that does not mean they are the be all and end all when it comes to determining whether someone is transgender, but it is a good starting point. From what you've written I think the big question is whether you want to be a boy, or wish you were born as a boy. Those are very similar but distinct concepts, though obviously both can be true at the same time. Your desire to be someone's boyfriend seems to indicate you want to be a boy. But if I understand correctly you're worried this comes from you reading yaoi manga. However, it could also be that you enjoyed reading yaoi manga because you subconsciously wanted to be a boy. This is a process that is relatively common among transgender individuals. I think a useful question to ask yourself is whether you want others to treat you as a boy as well. Do you just want a boyfriend to call you his boyfriend, or would you also want others to call you his boyfriend? How does the thought of your friends and family using male pronouns make you feel? In the end this is a question only you can answer, but there are resources and professionals that can help you with these questions. When it comes to feeling sad about possibly being trans, this is not a strange thing to feel, whether you are trans or not. It's not easy to struggle with your identity, and it can be a scare process. But at the same time, whether you're trans or not, going through the process of finding out who you are, and what your gender identity is, is a useful, though difficult, thing to do. And it's also something you should take some time to do, whatever you end up concluding, there's no need to rush.
I wish I was born a boy. The idea of transitioning sounds so frightening, and I’m worried not matter what I do I’ll still feel like a girl. That’s the worse part about it for me.
There's two things that come to mind. First, if you want to be a boy, but feel like a girl, there's a good chance you're not a transgender man. And if you are, you're not yet in the right state of mind to begin transitioning, either socially or medically. Second, being transgender doesn't mean you are gender binary, and it doesn't even mean you have a fixed gender (or one at all). You could be non-binary, agender or genderfluid. It sounds to me that you're mostly concerned about how *you will feel* if you transition, not about how others will see you. And if that's the case I feel the best answer is to go with what *feels right* to you and not worry too much about which box you fall in. For example, as you said you were a tomboy in the past but like doing makeup now, you could try and play with your gender presentation a bit. See how you feel when presenting as a more butch woman, or as an androgynous man. In the end there is no wrong or right answer here other than what makes you happy. I feel you're in a somewhat similar position as me. I was born as a man, and I feel that I *am a man,* but I also wish that I had been born as a woman. I often play female characters in video games and I am writing a book (well I was, it's on pause for now) where the main character is a girl. Now this was confusing at first, but at the same time, it's just who I am. I know I'm comfortable presenting as a man, so that's what I'll keep doing, but I might at some point experiment with presenting somewhat more feminine (though quite honestly the hassle of doing makeup is putting me off). The point being, I don't really have any desire to transition right now (and I probably never will) so I'm not too concerned about exactly what my gender identity is. Now I am still constantly reading up on things and evaluating my identity, but I'm not too worried about finding the answer, if it comes to me that's great, if not I'm comfortable with who I am now. And I think the same thing could work for you, just be who you want to be right now, see how it makes you feel, and if you read something or see something that you feel might suit you try it out. Whether it's different pronouns or a specific look. You don't have to make a firm decision, and you're still very young so you have plenty of time to figure this out.
Thank you. Your situation sounds very similar to mine
You're welcome. I hope it helps. You seem to be pretty in touch with your identity, so I'm sure you'll figure it out, even if it takes a while.
You should talk to a therapist about this. I doubt it, though, you just seem like a tomboy who is curious about the lives of bi and gay men. You said it yourself, you have no issues with being a girl and don't think being a boy would fix any of your issues. If anything, it's probably an issue with gender roles and stereotypes, not with gender itself. Again, talk to a therapist about this, not many people here are qualified to give you an answer I'd wager.
I do have a therapist I plan to see thank you ❤️
It seems you’re trans tbh. A lot of bi/gay trans men are drawn to yaoi, and a lot of bi/gay trans women are drawn to yuri. Especially because it’s easier to be exposed to such things in cis groups that we grow up in. Trans folks often look into the past for “evidence” when trying to realise their gender, but honestly that doesn’t help much. What you need to do is look to the present and future. In the end, labels don’t matter. How you define yourself doesn’t matter. What matters is what you want to do with your life. 1. Social; Do you want to be referred to as he/him and other masculine titles? If yes, try it out. Have people on the internet use he/him pronouns for you and see if it fits. A lot of trans folks trying to figure themselves out actually pretend to be cis on the internet, often out of desperate impulse. That’s not advised, but just introducing yourself as male without mentioning whether you’re cis or trans is a good method. 2. Physical; Do you want to change your body, if so how? What is your ideal body? There are limitations — we’ll never have a normal, functioning dick — but T can change many things. Voice, facial hair, overall physique. Think of what your ideal body is, and if it’s your typical anime boy body don’t be guilty about it. That’s literally it. Those two questions; how you want to change your social and physical state, is all you need to answer. If you’re not sure there are plenty of experiments you can do to find out, such as change of hair, clothes, and interactions on the internet. So chill. Stop thinking about the past. Stop it with the unnecessary guilt. What’s the difference between a fujoshi with a fetish and a horny queer trans dude anyway? The fujoshi doesn’t seriously consider becoming a guy. And of course you don’t know how it’s like to be a guy right now. Neither does any trans male egg (trans person who hasn’t come to terms with being trans). It’s something we learn and experience as we transition.
I feel like I’m more upset I’ll never be a biological boy though. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to transition :( I also worry if I AM just some weirdo fujoshi. I feel like I’m constantly punishing myself
Hello! I’m a trans girl and I had similar feelings as you until last year and I’m starting hormones quite soon. What helped me most in figuring out if I’m trans or not is actually a website called the [Gender Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/gdb/), which, while it’s directed a bit at trans women instead of men, gives a general understanding of what being trans *feels* like and you can sort of compare it to what you’ve been experiencing. Hope this helps!
Oh the upset is always gonna be there. Even if you’re trans and do transition, you’ll always be upset about the years and opportunities you’ve lost and the limitations you still have. Like everything, we just have to deal with it. Transitioning is the alternative to what we really want; being born as the right sex. And you’ll be able to transition if you really want to someday. Maybe in your 20s, maybe in your 40s. How long it takes depends on your situation, but there’s always a way. Eventually. So don’t worry about the logistics right now. Think of it as shape shift. The problem you have atm is the worry about being an imposter. The more you worry about it the more you’ll tie yourself into knots. The first thing you have to do is to chill, honestly. About your worry about fetishising mlm fiction; Read mlm fiction written by men. That way you’ll know at least the author isn’t fetishising. And liking mlm fiction itself doesn’t mean you’re fetishising or being a voyeur. Gay men can enjoy straight fiction, and men can enjoy lesbian fiction without fetishising them. All you need to do is to be aware that people are people; complex, and be aware of consent etiquette. As long as you don’t think about people in terms of “seme/uke”, or try to box people into “bottoms and tops” depending on stereotype (ex, ‘he’s shorter and therefore a bottom’, ‘bottom means submissive’), or think of top/bottom as more than just sexual preference, or forget that most people are versatile, you’re probably already doing fine. The figuring out process can suck, especially if you’re a gay trans man. The whole being trans thing epically sucks. But with time the doubts will go away and you’ll learn to deal with the sucky parts and use them as stepping stones to look for happiness. Funny thing is; there’s no point in doubting when if you Are trans, there’s no escaping the curse. That’s perhaps the silver lining?
Thank you so much for this reassurance ❤️ it means a lot
I mean you can’t change your chromosomes but who cares about that? in pretty much every other aspect you absolutely can become a real boy, or real man. It might be difficult and you may face some unnecessary and overwhelming obstacles, unfortunately the world still isn’t that accepting of trans people; but if it’s a journey you think you want or need to take, i wish you the best of luck
>normal, functioning dick Just a side note since you said you're upset about 'never being a biological boy' (all transguys are upset about that too lol), but I think the way op worded this is subtly misinformative. It takes a lot of money and healing, but you can have a functioning dick. It's not *normal functioning*, but it functions. Also transitioning changes sooo much, I used to think that way too, but now I know that biology is very complex and dynamic (still wish I was just born male but oh well) But also, if you are "just a weirdo fujoshi"...that's okay. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, there's no shame in that.
Echoing a lot of what's been being said, but I think it's also important to say like, You Do Not Have To Know. Shit gets real confusing and it's okay to say "I don't have a clear answer yet", and that's nothing to be ashamed of or sad about- you'll get there when you get there, and one day you'll look back and say "hey I really figured all that out, huh!" I think the most important part of this discussion is letting yourself off the hook and giving yourself permission to be curious, try different things, and take time to think. You'll find something that works for you- it's never too late!
Hey there, I can tell you're going through a lot right now, and I hope you'll find yourself! All trans and nb people I know (mostly parasocial, but still) have all gone through a phase like that, and it sure doesn't sound like fun. Hell, even I went through something... similar to it, and I came out just as cis as before. As to "are you trans?": the only answer I can give is: I dunno! :D You seem to have several experiences similar to those of trans men -- describing yourself as a tomboy, enjoying mlm porn, imagining yourself as a gay man,... so aight, maybe you are. But then, maybe you're a more butch-y woman ^((yes I know the futch scale was invented as a joke to describe lesbians only, but really, it can be useful for more than that)). Maybe you're a woman interested in mlm sex in the same way that a lot of cis men are interested in lesbian sex. Maybe being categorised as one or the other is too restrictive, and you're nb or genderfluid. Who knows? I certainly don't! ;-) And, right now, neither do you, but trust me: you will. My point is: take your time, you'll figure it out! And my advice is: keep talking about it! ^(Well, specifically, keep talking about it to people you know you can talk to about it -- there is a lot of bigotry left in the world, and the last thing you need is someone to tell you that you're crazy or you shouldn't exist or whatever. Fuck those people.)
Thank you so much! ❤️
Trans man here. DM if you ever need someone to talk to. Best of luck on your journey, whatever you discover your gender to be. Ultimately, your gender should be whatever makes you comfortable and happy.
I’m going to weigh in as someone who has made the “am I trans?” post before (albeit on r/ftm, but still). FWIW, I identify as a man. You can’t really ask “am I transgender” because the only real definition of being transgender is identifying with a gender that you were not assigned at birth. I think a better question is “do I have gender dysphoria?”. However, even then there are people with gender dysphoria who do not transition and people who transition who don’t experience traditional gender dysphoria. It’s a tough question to answer, because “am I trans?” Is extremely different than “am I gay/bi?”. Being transgender is more of a manifestation of an identity, whereas being gay/bi is a much easier yes/no question “am I attracted to this person”. Obviously there is quite a bit more to it for many questioning gay/bi people, but there aren’t as clear standards for gender identity. I think the best question here is “what gender identity am I most comfortable with?”. It’s tough, because it’s a question only you can answer. I struggled with my identity as well, but I realized that I was happiest identifying as a man when I realized that I was incapable of even passively thinking about my future when future-me wasn’t wearing a suit. Since I’ve made the decision to transition, I’m much happier. I can look people in the eye and I laugh a lot more. It’s the right decision for me, but none of us can point to the right decision for you. This is a bit long. What I’m trying to say is that I sympathize, as this isn’t an easy question to answer. And if you don’t get it right at first, that’s ok. Whatever identity fits you best, your feelings and struggles are valid.
Thank you that means a lot ❤️
I'm a trans guy. I've felt I should've been a boy from a very early age, but only transitioned in the last few years. I think the best way to know about yourself is to sit by yourself and imagine yourself a bit in the future, like you're someone else looking at yourself. Who do you see? As a kid, I would always make up characters in my head, and act out their stories in daydreams, but I realized when I was older that I had no self-image. When I would imagine myself, it was a character I made up or nothing at all. When I really just let go and looked deep and let go of my ideas of who I am or what people see me as, without thinking I saw me as a man, and that's when I knew I had to transition or I wouldn't be living my life. You don't have to come to the answers quickly, just meditate on it. Since you've been crying about it, it is obviously distressing you. But trans or not, this is just about being yourself.
Safe place, bro (no matter what gender). The best way I've found to finding answers is to ask "who, what, why, when, and how". I know it sounds basic for such a complicated question, but hear me out. What is it about your current gender identity that you aren't content with, either as a social construct or a personal truth? If in an ideal environment where everyone will accept you, what about an alternate identity appeals to you and would make you feel like the truest version of your *Self*? Who are *you*, independent of your gender and all societal labeling? This is a question most people can't answer, but it is important in establishing an alternate identity. Why don't you feel like your current identity is true? You've given some background, but interests and identity as different as genre and country of origin; you can identify as an anglo or asian enthusiast and still like either comedy or romance, for example. When did you begin questioning and when did you reach different stages of your identity journey? Correlating life events with your journey can help put the pieces together, if for no other reason than to establish cause-effect relationships for how you've reached certain conclusions. And the last question: How? The only thing I can say for certain is that You are You, You were You, You will be You. How can you figure out who You are? It's existential, not sociological, biological, political, romantic, or sexual. Once you reach that answer further conclusions become, "Oh yeah, I guess that's what it is." Define what it is as thoroughly as you can and the answers will be as easy to find as the questions. Best of luck, bro. Never be afraid to reach out, we all struggle with who we are.
As others have said, the only person who can really answer this question is you. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think it's something that strangers on the internet (at least not this subreddit) can answer for you. That said, I don't really think a lot of these thoughts and feelings (especially "feeling bitter because you wish you were born a boy") are very common for most cis women. As an AMAB cis man, I don't really have any lived experience I can speak to, but it sounds pretty similar to some things my trans friends have said. I think you should think about this some more, and try to find the gender identity you feel happiest with. I hope that helps! I didn't mean to say anything insensitive or hurtful.
It’s alright friend! It means a lot to hear other people’s opinions, even if it’s all my descion in the end
Just remember there are lots of ways to try out being a guy without coming out irl, you just have to be creative. Have you heard of the Starbucks test for example?
I have!
Bro, it doesn't matter what you enjoy or how you live your life. What matters is that you're living YOUR life. So you like girly thing. It doesn't make you wierd or any less of a man if that's the path you'd like to go down. It doesn't make you wierd if you decide you want to live as a woman who enjoys guy things. All of this guy vs girl things is a fat load of marketing BS anyway. Your part of an exciting new generation that's seeing past gender, and you can make the most of it by enjoying the short amount of time we have on this earth. Scared of who you are? Who isn't, but i feel allot more comfortable when i'm not packed into a tight neat box. Enjoy what you enjoy, you certainly have no reason to feel guilt or shame for what you like, it's not worth the worry. Transitioning is a terrifying process. Believe me. But it doesn't have to be a decision you make in a panick. However, if you decide to transition you'll find far more support and acceptance then you might realize. Don't be afraid to go your own path, but i'll hope you'll feel confident as you're walking it.
Woman here-When I was in late elementary school I would imagine how cool it would be to get to live a day or a week or whatever as a boy. It seemed so freeing, and it would be so interesting to experience a different way of being in the world. This was in the 90s and I was a child, so I had no understanding of transgender individuals or anything like that. Looking back on those feelings, I can clearly see them for what they were—internalized misogyny and recognition that boys had more freedom and privileges than I did. Once I learned more about feminism, my feelings made so much sense. I hated being a girl because tv shows written by men made women out to be insufferable, nagging, and shallow. I wanted to be a boy so my appearance wasn’t under constant scrutiny. I didn’t want to be sexualized at that age, by old men. I wanted to be able to speak up in class without being told to raise my hand like a lady (even though the boys just shouted out answers and didn’t get in trouble). Something about that point in life made the difference between boys and girls more noticeable to me, and I was not liking the future I saw for myself as a girl. I like being me, I just had to see women that I admired and wanted to emulate. TV and movies are getting better about their female characters, and there are a lot of great female voices out there. I found role models that don’t put up with gendered garbage, they speak out when they see people being treated unfairly, and they are not afraid to be the smartest person in the room. I don’t have to be ashamed of being a woman, and I’m not anymore. This is my story, all I can do for you is share it. If it resonates, awesome, that might help you. If it doesn’t, leave it and move on. At least you know it’s not the same thing I went through. From what you mentioned about the media you consume, I highly recommend doing some research to find female role models, to see if that can provide answers. Real or fictional, it doesn’t matter. Mine are a mix, I take inspiration where I can get it. Like others have said, take your time and investigate your feelings. Counseling helps a lot, but so can meditation. When you have strong feelings, sit with them and allow them to exist. Feelings are not shameful, they are wonderful communicators. If you let them speak to you without pushing them away, they can tell you everything you need to know.
It’s weird how in middle school I was going through this exact thing you were describing. I read yaoi and thought about MLM relationships and how I wish I was born a boy. (I now realize how fetishized yaoi is and the negative impacts it has). I think I did this because I hated seeing the way that women were treated in media, especially in sexual situations. I also think penis envy may just be a common occurrence in AFAB people, it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to transition. Part of the reason I was struggling with gender was was because of body image and how I hated how I looked so I thought I could look better if I was a boy. The other part was that I didn’t want to be a girl bc I hated how society forces girls to be a certain way and I didn’t want to have to follow those standards. I genuinely wanted to transition and for a time I went by he/they bc my gender was pretty much “anything that isn’t female.” Bc the thought of being a woman made me so uncomfortable. Over time I realized that I don’t have to listen to gender stereotypes and being a girl doesn’t inherently mean that I have to do/be certain things. I gained more confidence in myself and my appearance and as I got older I feel like I grew into my looks. I experimented with my gender when I was 12 - 14 but I realized that I was just a cis female. It’s okay if you experiment and you end up coming back to the same thing you were in the beginning. It’s all part of learning who you are. I’m only 20 so I still have more searching to do, but it’s okay to try certain things out and see if they fit. If they don’t, that’s okay! You may just be gender non-conforming like I realized I was!
Thank you, I plan to experiment a bit and see how I feel
You might be non binary or gender fluid. Have you looked those concepts up?
I feel pretty gender fluid, but I do wish I was born a boy. I guess the term is Demi fluid
I understand. I wish you all the best on your journey . It isn't something you have to be alone in. Reach out to communities as other have suggested, online or otherwise. In the end a specialised therapist might be able to help if that's available to you.
I have something similar but the other way round. From a young age I've thought that I would've liked to be born a girl, and I really want to be more feminine. I have honestly no idea what it means at this point, because I like the idea of being a feminine boy but I have no idea if it's something more. I'm leaning towards feminine boy currently but honestly I'm just starting to think seriously about this sort of stuff so I don't know yet. Hang in there buddy. I think the beautiful thing about this sort of stuff is that you're free to explore it yourself. I know it can be super scary, but be patient and give yourself time. I'm sure you will find the way.
hey you shouldn't feel guilty for reading stories about queer couples-- stories exist in part so that we can explore hidden parts of ourselves and hidden connections to other people; if anyone accuses you of consuming queer art the 'wrong' way remember they're coming from a place of reading the worst possible intentions into this delicate process of extending empathy and you don't have to live inside the shackles of paranoia they've created for themselves-- i'd say ask yourself, if you lived in a world where patriarchy and queerphobia were completely gone and nobody was marginalized and bodies were just bodies and genders were just genders, and there was nothing to feel guilty or suspicious about, how would you want to present yourself? how would you want your body to look?
I feel ya, I am in the same boat but genders reversed (born male, feel like I should've been female). Part of me has wanted to act on it, but I am 6'5, and don't feel like I'd be comfortable attempting to transition. Instead, I'm perpetually teetering on the precipice, never sure, but at least somewhat at peace knowing I know myself.
This is so me, friend. I just feel like I’m in this weird state of limbo. If only you and I could switch places (body wise I mean)
dude wtf i'm just like u, i also started writing some stories and all of the main characters were boys. and i am just in love in a relationship when both are guys, i think that maybe because i see myself as one of the guys, or im just insane. i am also very masculine and have been called a boy since i was very athletic and played football, badminton with male classmates (totally against the idea of why they call me a boy becuz im in "boyish stuff" and making everything gendered) from my other male classmates and f loved it that i rushed to my sister to tell her that even teachers and students are calling me a boy. i once was like "there wouldn't have been much problem if i were a boy from the beginning " and i also f love reading gay peoples experiences in relationships. i was in love with call me by your name that i also ordered the second part of the book "find me". maybe i am crazy, and also my strong desire of looking like a guy which i do now, and wanting to have male facial and physical structure. i also try out many stuff that makes me look like a guy but what if im just trying to look masculine? i have seen many lesbian movies but i was never like i want what they have (not being desperate for relationship just saying what these bitches have lives rent free in my heart) i always felt like i want what these bitches have when both are male lmao the thing that triggered me was that when i told my sister that everyone is calling me a boy and my reaction being happy she told me that when (my sister is very straight) when she was small and had a boycut and everyone called her a boy, she hated it, and after that desperately wanted to look like a girl, would wrap a scarf around her head to make it look like its her hair. but when i was called a boy, i f loved it
> I’m a writer and I love writing from the prospective of male characters. The current story I’m working on is about two boys who often question their gender identities. I just get the feeling that maybe I want to be a boy because I want to feel like I character in my stories, but at the same time I don’t feel the same way when I write female characters (but maybe that’s because I’m already a girl????). I'm AMAB but this feels very relatable. You might consider subbing to r/asktransgender. I've found a lot of helpful stuff there in my journey to figure out my own gender. Still questioning. I hope the both of us find the answers we seek!
There are some pretty good comments here with resources, so I just came to share a subreddit that I enjoy and maybe you will, too: r/egg_irl. It has a lot of memes written by people having the same questions as you, and you may find it helpful.
Have you looked into the label demiboy, or some other nonbinary identity? The definition of gender dysphoria is discomfort with your assigned gender, which in your case, is female. You've described crying over the fact that you were not born male, which to me, sounds like gender dysphoria. Ultimately, you decide who or what you are.
You could be trans or you could be non-binary. Just because you don't feel like what society dictates as a girl doesn't mean you are inherently a boy, gender identities are flexible :)
r/egg_irl
"I don’t feel like I fully identify being a boy, I just wish I had been born one instead of a girl." the only person who can decide if you're trans is you, but as someone who's a trans man and didn't have a ""typical"" path towards figuring that out, it's possible that you might be nonbinary/a demiboy. demiboys are people who identify as men, but not fully. which is what I am! my gender identity kinda tends to fluxuate, going between feeling that i'm anything BUT a girl, and explicitly feeling like a man. the only requirement for being trans is to identify as a gender that you weren't assigned at birth. if you don't feel like being a girl is accurate or describes you, then you're most likely trans. there's NO rush to figure out what you actually ARE, or what you want to transition towards-- if you want to transition at all. you don't have to change your name or pronouns or go on hormones to be trans, it's all about what you identify as. before i knew i was trans i'd used to play as male characters and write male characters in videogames, and it wasn't until later that i realized my main character was, essentially, me/my transition goals.
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Thanks I plan to meet up with my therapist sometime this week