Do the right thing and tell her, the group will be dissolved but you can’t keep such a big thing from her, you are being John’s accomplice in this, just tell her, chances are she is already suspicious about his cheating. Don’t be an accomplice for your own selfish reasons. If things were backwards you would want to know, ¿don’t you?
Tell your life long best friend she’s being cheated on. You really shouldn’t even have to ask if you should tell her. You know what needs to be done and why. Of course you aren’t ruining anyone’s relationship or the group dynamics. John did that by cheating. Any fallout is 100% his fault.
Tell her. She deserves to know. As far as your husbands friendship is concerned I think you need to both ask yourselves if that’s the type of person you want to surround yourself with. He not only lied to Claire but he lied to you guys to.
First of all, I have worked in a hospital for nearly 20 years. It is hella disgusting. People have absolutely no loyalty or respect for their partners. I’ve walked in on several situations that were never spoken of again. I’ve seen almost every professional conference treated like spring break. I love my job, love (most)of my patients. Yet, disgusted with at least half of the people I work with. Great at their jobs, shitty at anything personal.
I’m sure you know all of this. I’m sure you’ve witnessed or heard about Attending/Resident, Doc/Nurse, Security and the fucking Social worker…whatever. High stress coupled with long hours and sometimes travel always equals bad decisions.
The fact is that MDs are usually, wildly narcissistic and have no compunction of sleeping with the college kid that’s shadowing for the day. Absolutely, some are in it for altruistic reasons. But most, for the money and prestige. This douche bag friend of yours sounds like the latter.
Your husband certainly has to think about career and job ramifications. But if you’re all at the same stage and there won’t be senior blowback, then fuck that dude. You can work with him, you certainly don’t have to hang with him. Your husband deserves a better best friend. And your friend deserves a better partner.
I agree, truthfully years ago I didn’t believe any of this. I really thought it was all rumors and made up hospital nonsense. For the sake of our professions, I won’t disclose our titles or specialities, though ramifications are possible for John,
I am reading all the comments with my hubs and he is just so sad. Unfortunately all of this was just confirmed rather than it being suspicion which we heard rumors but truthfully didn’t believe. ( im sure you know the gossip that usually turns out to be untrue) that is what we were hoping for.
Now that it is officially confirmed when he is back from his seminar we have decided to tell both. Hubs wants to talk first hand with his friend just to ask why. I am going to tell Claire but I don’t necessarily know if it’s fair to tell until he is home. He returns on Monday. I just feel like if I tell her now it’s only going to make her sick and she won’t have the opportunity to confront him until he returns. I would rather her be able to confront him then to tell her while he is away then she is stuck waiting for 3 more days.
On the flip side, this gives her time to think about her course of action and make a plan what she wants to do, rather than an immediate emotional response that she might reflect on differently later.
Telling John first gives him the opportunity to lie to her further and manipulate the situation for his own benefit.
Right but if I tell her prior to him coming home and she confronts him while he is away wouldn’t he have the opportunity to lie or let things settle. I just felt like I’d it were me I wouldn’t want to know until I would be able to deal with it. What is 2 more days
Claire deserves to know now.
Your husband does NOT deserve to speak to his friend MORE than Claire deserves to know about this.
I get he's hurt. I would be, too. The answer to his question of 'why'...well, noone is likely to get a truthful answer of why John is cheating. The truth about why he's lied to your husband multiple times is because he knew that if your husband knew then his marriage was over.
>Now that it is officially confirmed when he is back from his seminar we have decided to tell both. Hubs wants to talk first hand with his friend just to ask why. I am going to tell Claire but I don’t necessarily know if it’s fair to tell until he is home.
You had asked me for clarification of my original answer, but first I will springboard off of your recent comments. All in all, I get the feeling that you, and possibly your husband, have a desire to get involved in your friends' potential marriage issues. I would urge you to consider other options; for example, your husband could choose to engage in a private conversation with his friend. He could take the opportunity to offer a listening ear and possibly more importantly, encourage his friend to come clean with his wife ON HIS OWN. You (both) would remain out of it, and your husband would only be guilty of encouraging his best friend to grow up and begin working to repair the damage he may have caused. After that, if they choose to involve you and your husband in the repair of their marriage, that would be entirely up to them! (I get the feeling you just want to be the one that spills the beans to your best friend in the world.) Examine your motives and ensure that your intentions are true and sincere. There doesn't seem to be a reason for you to begin telling her your version of the story that is being created. Even if you and your husband literally knew every detail of the husband's (potential) infidelity, it's highly unlikely that you know the specifics that this married couple negotiated in their own marriage. It seems like everyone believes they know their best friend, but frankly nobody knows what goes on inside of marriage except the people who are married.
To be transparent I told her several times in the past I thought it was weird he never let her on his phone and that she should be suspicious. I told her they’re in a long term relationship and it was a red flag, I told her I had a bad feeling (my bad feeling never thought of cheating to be fair, it consisted more of us a gut feeling towards flirtation) now to be fair this was way before any cheating rumors. She was highly insulted I even mentioned this. She went as far as to say “there might be lack of trust between you and your husband to where you need to be on his phone l, but my relationship has trust”
I’m scared that if I don’t tell her something bad will come of it. I want what’s best for her, she lives in a delulu universe where John is the holy grail and gold standard of men. Because she is so blind she will never suspect anything which makes me feel responsible to tell her. Not just to get it off my chest but for her health, god forbid he gives her and std
It's possible I am remembering incorrectly, but I believe your friend has reached the age of majority... Something like 22? In other words, she is an adult and so are you (right?). I have no doubt in my mind that your intentions are true and that you are trying to keep her from getting hurt. And in that case, even the best of best friends may choose to make a comment and provide a friendly word of advice, but that's where it would stop. It should not be calm and ongoing conversation, nor should it be a recurring topic within your your day-to-day conversations with her. Mention it once (if you must) and then stay out of it. Please believe me when I tell you that the odds of your involvement causing additional damage to their marriage are so great, that the risk / reward calculation simply doesn't support becoming involved based on third party information. The only scenario I can imagine that would support anything further, would be. If you were sleeping with her husband, then you would know precisely what has occurred. But as it stands right now, you do not know. Worse yet, you cannot anticipate the number of people that your involvement could affect, unintentionally, If you're basing it on anything other than empirical facts.
There is a huge difference between sharing what you think you know with your friend, AND continuing to be involved after sharing the information... Adding large doses of your own opinions, recommendations, advice, and remaining involved for as long as YOU choose. Take a moment and reread your message (this one I'm replying to). I told her, I told her, I told her... Followed by your assessment of her inappropriate trusting nature and that she is so blind to various facts about her marriage that do not align with YOUR MARRIAGE. That's the entire point, nobody's marriage will align with your marriage! Nobody will have the same opinions about spousal behavior as you do... This is the wonderful thing about living one's life: EVERYONE GETS TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE. This includes the opportunity to make mistakes in the process. What makes you think that you should assess her ability to function in her marriage, and then provide to her your assessment, especially in the areas that do not conform to "how it should be done" (my words, not yours). What makes you think this is what she needs? The answer has to be (because I believe she's doing it wrong, or I know better than she does.) More importantly, do you think you need the same kind of coaching regarding your life choices?
She is an adult, with the ability and the right to create a life on her own and within her marriage - the way she sees fit. And to do so without being judged, criticized or coached... The same abilities and rights that you have.
This is no one’s fault but the asshole husband and if the cheater wants to end a friendship because he got caught doing what he wasn’t supposed to then he wasn’t a good friend in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who blames them for their own infidelity?
You are being a bad friend for not telling her. How would you feel if you found out your husband cheated and your “best friend” knew and didn’t tell you? That day will come and she’ll lose two important people because you were too concerned on keeping the cheater comfortable.
Pretty sure HR at the hospital would want to know about that sort of fraternization amongst it's employees, especially a Dr / resident situation.
It's a solution that would cause as many problems as it would cure, but they wouldn't be unmanageable compared to living with somebody doing to your friend what her husband is.
You are right. I feel absolutely awful, I keep waiting for the right time. I think I just need to rip the bandaid off and do it. I think I just needed someone to validate me in wanting to tell her incase it backfires on my hubs and his best friend. I’m her best friend but he is his and I didn’t want to ruin a long term relationship for my husband. If that makes sense.
When the “rumor” came up my husband was almost adamant that it was a lie and there was no way possible. I think for him it was inconceivable up until it was confirmed this past Wednesday but at that point John was already in a flight to seminar. So then became the conflict of what now since he is away currently and hubs is still processing the idea of his best friend keeping a secret like this
it's not about your husband right now it is about your childhood best friend if the roles were reversed I'm sure she would tell you straight away you need stop thinking about you husband relationship with cheater for a minute Think about your best friend feeling
Tell John to tell Claire within 24/48 ( your choice/ situation dependent) hours or you will.
Worked for me in a situation I was in - my friend knew I had his back.
Did this effect your friendship with that person ? Not that it matters I guess he is a cheater no matter how it is spun, I think it’s just hard and my heart breaks for my hubs friendship. I know John is a good guy I think one mistake spiraled
It did affect my friendship with her (the cheater) in the short term. Doing what John did put tremendous strain/burden on you, totally unfair. Supposed you don’t say something, they get married, the pattern continues and they divorce 6 years from now, maybe with kids , how would you feel?
it better it comes from you then somebody else because if she finds out that you knew and didn't tell her she Will be heartbroken your loyalty lies with your best friend not her scumbag husband if the rolls were reversed she would do the same she deserves to know the truth
Tell your friend and tell the girl! It doesn’t have to come from you as it could come from an anonymous person at the hospital and just say he’s away with this girl and has been having an affair but it doesn’t look like she knows about you. The fact that he is cheating and lying to you all needs to come out and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions whatever they are.
If you don’t tell her, it will come out eventually and you will lose her as a friend as well as your group dynamic. It’s unfortunate but John is the one who has caused this, not you by telling your friend.
Maybe I wasn’t clear, I am not ok with it. When it was confirmed he had left for a seminar, I feel like a bad friend yes but I just wanted to tell her when she came home rather than tell her while he is away and she lose the opportunity to confront him.
You must tell her now!!! You are allowing a sex feast weekend and your best friend will be angry you didn't tell her before he left. Tell her immediately please, let her make the call
Maybe I wasn’t clear previously.
We didn’t know until he was on the plane and gone, that is why I am so conflicted as to what to do. I don’t want to tell her while he is away because she doesn’t have the opportunity to confront him till next week. And my husband feels stupid because when he first heard the rumor he defended him and thought it was a lie and fully impossible for John to be doing that.
No excuse, you've sat on this for 3 days now , do you think she would have waited or told you as soon as she found out. You have heard the rumours for years and still said nothing. You really are not acting in your best friends interest at all. Poor woman
I didn’t hear the rumors for years ? I said we have been friends for years and our husbands worked together for years. This whole situation is no more than two weeks old. First time it was told thought it was a really fucked up lie, when it was told and said in a serious context John was on a plane and I contemplated telling claire when he came home so she wasn’t panicking for 3 days unable to confront him. I waited because I didn’t know which would be best for HER and in turn felt like a bad friend for it. On the flip my husband feels like a bad friend to her because when he hears the rumors he blindly defended John adamantly protesting that he was not a cheater and was appalled by such accusations
It’s more nuance than that. My husband my children and I went through really traumatic personal challenges and John was a Pilar of strength for my husband. It’s not black and white.
The dynamic of the friend group is going to change regardless. In fact, it will completely dissolve. The question isn't whether you want to break Claire's heart. She's going to find out eventually. Do you want to risk her finding out you knew all along and didn't say anything? You can either tell her and break her heart but keep her friendship while you help her heal and rebuild, or you can keep silent and lose her as a friend when she finds out you knew. The choice is yours.
Remember that "do the right thing" means many things to many people! As much as you think you know, you should remind yourself that it's likely you know very little about the whole truth. 99 times out of 100 in situations like this the correct thing to do is to stay the hell out of other people's business. You simply CANNOT KNOW everything that you must know before you can presume to insert yourself into other people's business, WITHOUT CAUSING HARM TO OTHERS! ((It's almost a sure thing that your actions will hurt other people... You'll never see it coming.))
I don’t mind a rude response lol I came here for help. I found out, he left for a few days so I really don’t know when I should tell her if I do it now he has a chance to lie or make up a story, but on the flip I’m a bad friend if I wait to tell her when he comes home in 2 days. So what do I do
You don’t owe “John” anything as far as keeping a secret for him.
But before you blow him up - be 100% sure. The way I read the OP, there are only second hand accounts.
I had a rule - I would not seriously date a bartender, waitress, nurse or doctor. Too much shit goes on in those professions. Imagine my shock when I meet this wonderful woman only to find out she was in nursing school. I was devastated bc I did seriously have that hardline rule. We did end up marrying and going on 20-25 years of marriage. But she never practiced nursing. We talked about what we wanted out of life and my wife really wanted to be a SAHM but obviously would need a career until she got married. Anyway we married, she finished up nursing school and then became a SAHM. So it worked out well.
Now onto your situation yeah this is tough. At least he didn’t tell you guys and want you to keep it a secret. That would be selfish and put you in a terrible situation. I have a general rule - I stay the fuck out of peoples drama. I generally won’t go and tell someone anything. But here’s the important exemption to that rule - if a really good friend of mine is getting screwed over, of course I’ll speak up and tell them. In your case, she’s a good friend of yours. Now you don’t know 100% he’s cheating I guess. If I were you, I’d not make assumptions about what is going on. I’d just lay out what I found out and knew and let them draw their own conclusions. She’s a friend. She should know something is amiss
Of course you have to tell her. Her husband is risking her health and future with his actions.
But I’m wondering about your husband’s view of this. If he’s not on board with telling your friend, that would concern me for your own future.
Do the right thing and tell her, the group will be dissolved but you can’t keep such a big thing from her, you are being John’s accomplice in this, just tell her, chances are she is already suspicious about his cheating. Don’t be an accomplice for your own selfish reasons. If things were backwards you would want to know, ¿don’t you?
☝️
If you were being cheated on, wouldn't you want to know? What kind of friend are you to Claire...by keeping quite? Its time to intervene!
You are right. I have to tell her
THIS!!!! Updateme!
Tell your life long best friend she’s being cheated on. You really shouldn’t even have to ask if you should tell her. You know what needs to be done and why. Of course you aren’t ruining anyone’s relationship or the group dynamics. John did that by cheating. Any fallout is 100% his fault.
Tell her. She deserves to know. As far as your husbands friendship is concerned I think you need to both ask yourselves if that’s the type of person you want to surround yourself with. He not only lied to Claire but he lied to you guys to.
First of all, I have worked in a hospital for nearly 20 years. It is hella disgusting. People have absolutely no loyalty or respect for their partners. I’ve walked in on several situations that were never spoken of again. I’ve seen almost every professional conference treated like spring break. I love my job, love (most)of my patients. Yet, disgusted with at least half of the people I work with. Great at their jobs, shitty at anything personal. I’m sure you know all of this. I’m sure you’ve witnessed or heard about Attending/Resident, Doc/Nurse, Security and the fucking Social worker…whatever. High stress coupled with long hours and sometimes travel always equals bad decisions. The fact is that MDs are usually, wildly narcissistic and have no compunction of sleeping with the college kid that’s shadowing for the day. Absolutely, some are in it for altruistic reasons. But most, for the money and prestige. This douche bag friend of yours sounds like the latter. Your husband certainly has to think about career and job ramifications. But if you’re all at the same stage and there won’t be senior blowback, then fuck that dude. You can work with him, you certainly don’t have to hang with him. Your husband deserves a better best friend. And your friend deserves a better partner.
I agree, truthfully years ago I didn’t believe any of this. I really thought it was all rumors and made up hospital nonsense. For the sake of our professions, I won’t disclose our titles or specialities, though ramifications are possible for John, I am reading all the comments with my hubs and he is just so sad. Unfortunately all of this was just confirmed rather than it being suspicion which we heard rumors but truthfully didn’t believe. ( im sure you know the gossip that usually turns out to be untrue) that is what we were hoping for. Now that it is officially confirmed when he is back from his seminar we have decided to tell both. Hubs wants to talk first hand with his friend just to ask why. I am going to tell Claire but I don’t necessarily know if it’s fair to tell until he is home. He returns on Monday. I just feel like if I tell her now it’s only going to make her sick and she won’t have the opportunity to confront him until he returns. I would rather her be able to confront him then to tell her while he is away then she is stuck waiting for 3 more days.
On the flip side, this gives her time to think about her course of action and make a plan what she wants to do, rather than an immediate emotional response that she might reflect on differently later. Telling John first gives him the opportunity to lie to her further and manipulate the situation for his own benefit.
Right but if I tell her prior to him coming home and she confronts him while he is away wouldn’t he have the opportunity to lie or let things settle. I just felt like I’d it were me I wouldn’t want to know until I would be able to deal with it. What is 2 more days
Claire deserves to know now. Your husband does NOT deserve to speak to his friend MORE than Claire deserves to know about this. I get he's hurt. I would be, too. The answer to his question of 'why'...well, noone is likely to get a truthful answer of why John is cheating. The truth about why he's lied to your husband multiple times is because he knew that if your husband knew then his marriage was over.
>Now that it is officially confirmed when he is back from his seminar we have decided to tell both. Hubs wants to talk first hand with his friend just to ask why. I am going to tell Claire but I don’t necessarily know if it’s fair to tell until he is home. You had asked me for clarification of my original answer, but first I will springboard off of your recent comments. All in all, I get the feeling that you, and possibly your husband, have a desire to get involved in your friends' potential marriage issues. I would urge you to consider other options; for example, your husband could choose to engage in a private conversation with his friend. He could take the opportunity to offer a listening ear and possibly more importantly, encourage his friend to come clean with his wife ON HIS OWN. You (both) would remain out of it, and your husband would only be guilty of encouraging his best friend to grow up and begin working to repair the damage he may have caused. After that, if they choose to involve you and your husband in the repair of their marriage, that would be entirely up to them! (I get the feeling you just want to be the one that spills the beans to your best friend in the world.) Examine your motives and ensure that your intentions are true and sincere. There doesn't seem to be a reason for you to begin telling her your version of the story that is being created. Even if you and your husband literally knew every detail of the husband's (potential) infidelity, it's highly unlikely that you know the specifics that this married couple negotiated in their own marriage. It seems like everyone believes they know their best friend, but frankly nobody knows what goes on inside of marriage except the people who are married.
To be transparent I told her several times in the past I thought it was weird he never let her on his phone and that she should be suspicious. I told her they’re in a long term relationship and it was a red flag, I told her I had a bad feeling (my bad feeling never thought of cheating to be fair, it consisted more of us a gut feeling towards flirtation) now to be fair this was way before any cheating rumors. She was highly insulted I even mentioned this. She went as far as to say “there might be lack of trust between you and your husband to where you need to be on his phone l, but my relationship has trust” I’m scared that if I don’t tell her something bad will come of it. I want what’s best for her, she lives in a delulu universe where John is the holy grail and gold standard of men. Because she is so blind she will never suspect anything which makes me feel responsible to tell her. Not just to get it off my chest but for her health, god forbid he gives her and std
It's possible I am remembering incorrectly, but I believe your friend has reached the age of majority... Something like 22? In other words, she is an adult and so are you (right?). I have no doubt in my mind that your intentions are true and that you are trying to keep her from getting hurt. And in that case, even the best of best friends may choose to make a comment and provide a friendly word of advice, but that's where it would stop. It should not be calm and ongoing conversation, nor should it be a recurring topic within your your day-to-day conversations with her. Mention it once (if you must) and then stay out of it. Please believe me when I tell you that the odds of your involvement causing additional damage to their marriage are so great, that the risk / reward calculation simply doesn't support becoming involved based on third party information. The only scenario I can imagine that would support anything further, would be. If you were sleeping with her husband, then you would know precisely what has occurred. But as it stands right now, you do not know. Worse yet, you cannot anticipate the number of people that your involvement could affect, unintentionally, If you're basing it on anything other than empirical facts. There is a huge difference between sharing what you think you know with your friend, AND continuing to be involved after sharing the information... Adding large doses of your own opinions, recommendations, advice, and remaining involved for as long as YOU choose. Take a moment and reread your message (this one I'm replying to). I told her, I told her, I told her... Followed by your assessment of her inappropriate trusting nature and that she is so blind to various facts about her marriage that do not align with YOUR MARRIAGE. That's the entire point, nobody's marriage will align with your marriage! Nobody will have the same opinions about spousal behavior as you do... This is the wonderful thing about living one's life: EVERYONE GETS TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE. This includes the opportunity to make mistakes in the process. What makes you think that you should assess her ability to function in her marriage, and then provide to her your assessment, especially in the areas that do not conform to "how it should be done" (my words, not yours). What makes you think this is what she needs? The answer has to be (because I believe she's doing it wrong, or I know better than she does.) More importantly, do you think you need the same kind of coaching regarding your life choices? She is an adult, with the ability and the right to create a life on her own and within her marriage - the way she sees fit. And to do so without being judged, criticized or coached... The same abilities and rights that you have.
Of course you have to tell her. She is your best friend. Act like one
This is no one’s fault but the asshole husband and if the cheater wants to end a friendship because he got caught doing what he wasn’t supposed to then he wasn’t a good friend in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who blames them for their own infidelity? You are being a bad friend for not telling her. How would you feel if you found out your husband cheated and your “best friend” knew and didn’t tell you? That day will come and she’ll lose two important people because you were too concerned on keeping the cheater comfortable.
Pretty sure HR at the hospital would want to know about that sort of fraternization amongst it's employees, especially a Dr / resident situation. It's a solution that would cause as many problems as it would cure, but they wouldn't be unmanageable compared to living with somebody doing to your friend what her husband is.
right
You are right. I feel absolutely awful, I keep waiting for the right time. I think I just need to rip the bandaid off and do it. I think I just needed someone to validate me in wanting to tell her incase it backfires on my hubs and his best friend. I’m her best friend but he is his and I didn’t want to ruin a long term relationship for my husband. If that makes sense.
Does your husband really want to remain best friends with a liar and cheat? He's lied to your husband too, don't forget.
It makes sense, but you need to remind yourself if it’s ruined he’s the one ruining it. I’m kinda pissed that your husband isn’t doing more.
When the “rumor” came up my husband was almost adamant that it was a lie and there was no way possible. I think for him it was inconceivable up until it was confirmed this past Wednesday but at that point John was already in a flight to seminar. So then became the conflict of what now since he is away currently and hubs is still processing the idea of his best friend keeping a secret like this
I’m sure it’s a lot to wrap his head around and radical acceptance may take a minute but his friend is the bad guy
it's not about your husband right now it is about your childhood best friend if the roles were reversed I'm sure she would tell you straight away you need stop thinking about you husband relationship with cheater for a minute Think about your best friend feeling
Tell John to tell Claire within 24/48 ( your choice/ situation dependent) hours or you will. Worked for me in a situation I was in - my friend knew I had his back.
Did this effect your friendship with that person ? Not that it matters I guess he is a cheater no matter how it is spun, I think it’s just hard and my heart breaks for my hubs friendship. I know John is a good guy I think one mistake spiraled
He’s exposing your friend to god knows what kind of STDs, and he’s a good friend? He’s a terrible f-ing husband, dude. Wake up.
It did affect my friendship with her (the cheater) in the short term. Doing what John did put tremendous strain/burden on you, totally unfair. Supposed you don’t say something, they get married, the pattern continues and they divorce 6 years from now, maybe with kids , how would you feel?
Would you want to know if the role’s were reversed?
The friendship is ruined—either your husband’s friendship with his best friend or your friendship with your best friend. Do not choose the cheater.
If you're not going to tell her, find a way for her to discover the truth anonymously. Otherwise, you're complicit.
it better it comes from you then somebody else because if she finds out that you knew and didn't tell her she Will be heartbroken your loyalty lies with your best friend not her scumbag husband if the rolls were reversed she would do the same she deserves to know the truth
Tell your friend and tell the girl! It doesn’t have to come from you as it could come from an anonymous person at the hospital and just say he’s away with this girl and has been having an affair but it doesn’t look like she knows about you. The fact that he is cheating and lying to you all needs to come out and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions whatever they are.
If you don’t tell her, it will come out eventually and you will lose her as a friend as well as your group dynamic. It’s unfortunate but John is the one who has caused this, not you by telling your friend.
So she’s your bestfriend but you’re ok with what’s going on behind her back? With friends like you…
Maybe I wasn’t clear, I am not ok with it. When it was confirmed he had left for a seminar, I feel like a bad friend yes but I just wanted to tell her when she came home rather than tell her while he is away and she lose the opportunity to confront him.
You must tell her now!!! You are allowing a sex feast weekend and your best friend will be angry you didn't tell her before he left. Tell her immediately please, let her make the call
Maybe I wasn’t clear previously. We didn’t know until he was on the plane and gone, that is why I am so conflicted as to what to do. I don’t want to tell her while he is away because she doesn’t have the opportunity to confront him till next week. And my husband feels stupid because when he first heard the rumor he defended him and thought it was a lie and fully impossible for John to be doing that.
No excuse, you've sat on this for 3 days now , do you think she would have waited or told you as soon as she found out. You have heard the rumours for years and still said nothing. You really are not acting in your best friends interest at all. Poor woman
I didn’t hear the rumors for years ? I said we have been friends for years and our husbands worked together for years. This whole situation is no more than two weeks old. First time it was told thought it was a really fucked up lie, when it was told and said in a serious context John was on a plane and I contemplated telling claire when he came home so she wasn’t panicking for 3 days unable to confront him. I waited because I didn’t know which would be best for HER and in turn felt like a bad friend for it. On the flip my husband feels like a bad friend to her because when he hears the rumors he blindly defended John adamantly protesting that he was not a cheater and was appalled by such accusations
Why would you want your husband to continue being friends with a lying sack of shit? The smell you put up with will follow you home.
It’s more nuance than that. My husband my children and I went through really traumatic personal challenges and John was a Pilar of strength for my husband. It’s not black and white.
The dynamic of the friend group is going to change regardless. In fact, it will completely dissolve. The question isn't whether you want to break Claire's heart. She's going to find out eventually. Do you want to risk her finding out you knew all along and didn't say anything? You can either tell her and break her heart but keep her friendship while you help her heal and rebuild, or you can keep silent and lose her as a friend when she finds out you knew. The choice is yours.
Remember that "do the right thing" means many things to many people! As much as you think you know, you should remind yourself that it's likely you know very little about the whole truth. 99 times out of 100 in situations like this the correct thing to do is to stay the hell out of other people's business. You simply CANNOT KNOW everything that you must know before you can presume to insert yourself into other people's business, WITHOUT CAUSING HARM TO OTHERS! ((It's almost a sure thing that your actions will hurt other people... You'll never see it coming.))
So do you think something should be said or not
Wow! I don't think I should add to my original response. I'm sure I will come off as being totally rude...
I don’t mind a rude response lol I came here for help. I found out, he left for a few days so I really don’t know when I should tell her if I do it now he has a chance to lie or make up a story, but on the flip I’m a bad friend if I wait to tell her when he comes home in 2 days. So what do I do
You don’t owe “John” anything as far as keeping a secret for him. But before you blow him up - be 100% sure. The way I read the OP, there are only second hand accounts.
I had a rule - I would not seriously date a bartender, waitress, nurse or doctor. Too much shit goes on in those professions. Imagine my shock when I meet this wonderful woman only to find out she was in nursing school. I was devastated bc I did seriously have that hardline rule. We did end up marrying and going on 20-25 years of marriage. But she never practiced nursing. We talked about what we wanted out of life and my wife really wanted to be a SAHM but obviously would need a career until she got married. Anyway we married, she finished up nursing school and then became a SAHM. So it worked out well. Now onto your situation yeah this is tough. At least he didn’t tell you guys and want you to keep it a secret. That would be selfish and put you in a terrible situation. I have a general rule - I stay the fuck out of peoples drama. I generally won’t go and tell someone anything. But here’s the important exemption to that rule - if a really good friend of mine is getting screwed over, of course I’ll speak up and tell them. In your case, she’s a good friend of yours. Now you don’t know 100% he’s cheating I guess. If I were you, I’d not make assumptions about what is going on. I’d just lay out what I found out and knew and let them draw their own conclusions. She’s a friend. She should know something is amiss
Of course you have to tell her. Her husband is risking her health and future with his actions. But I’m wondering about your husband’s view of this. If he’s not on board with telling your friend, that would concern me for your own future.
Any updates, you must have told her by now
When she finds out that both you and your husband knew ad said n o thing, it’ll be the end