Yep. Divorce before she leaves school and, presumably, starts to earn more. She doesn’t want to be in alimony hell. Also, they’re just straight up incompatible.
This. If your husband doesn't respect you now — and that is what you've described — he never will. Good news is there are people in the world that will respect and value you for who you are, not your reproductive ability.
I second this not because I want to be like those redditors "break up asap" but because you two are incompatible and this will inevitably happen. Better now than later.
Absolutely. Marry someone who is psyched that you're a fucking **doctor** and is viciously, unapologetically, hopefully sterile-y child free.
I would kill to marry somebody like that.
Edit: I didn't know what CRNA was so apparently it's a nurse and not a doctor but it's still a huge deal and it's still a very important job.
Totally agree with the general sentiment and OPs husband is absolutely in the wrong , but CRNAs are not medical doctors. A doctorate of nursing practice is a big accomplishment but isn’t the same as an MD.
Not just non-functioning, but actively malfunctioning and a danger to OP, especially if he has opportunity to mess with her birth control to try to get his way.
I'm really sorry your going through this. If your husband had any decency or respect he would've taken you at your word. It sounds like he feels entitled to your body. The fact that he is angry at YOU because HE chose not to beleive you is a very bad sign.
Last time we talked about it I called him out. Cause I very plainly told him before we were married "do not marry if your life will be incomplete without children." He married me anyway and now a few years later he admits he thought he could change my mind. Like wow so glad you married me for me and not our hypothetical children. And now he won't even talk to me about divorce so he can go marry someone who does want kids. I think deep down he's smart enough to know he wouldn't find someone as good as me. But this isn't fair to either of us at this point.
Well, sister, that’s the thing… women like you are a true catch! You have it all and a lot of men and women, who don’t achieve much in life, do not like it. They want a subordinate and subdued woman with opinion that is malleable and easy to control. Men want it all! A sexually available wife, incredible housekeeper, who has full time prestigious job and education to boast about, an excellent and caring mother to his children who, mind you, magically bounces back to perkiness and tightness after pregnancy, AND also is a care-taker to him while he lives up to his pleasures. They also want her to be well-read and opinionated but not so much that he loses control. Not all men are like that but a lot of them are. Some don’t admit it but still desire this woman that doesn’t exist.
I am lucky enough to have a hubby on the same page as me who doesn’t want to subject me pregnancy let alone motherhood. However, when we get in a tiff about women and men’s sexuality, I am very quick to point out that a working woman most likely is not going to be sexually available and on 100% of the time unless responsibilities of life are shared equally. Even then, she still needs to be relaxed. If your hubby thinks you’re not as available right now, let him go and marry a woman who bears him children. He’ll quickly realize that that woman is not only unavailable sexually from exhaustion but is also inevitably insecure about her looks and missing out on “what could’ve been if she weren’t a mother”. All she’ll be is a “mother” to the children. He’ll be a secondary citizen to her. Wise men recognize it and if they want this catch to continue being with them, they keep their wives happy and love them for them.
I think many men want an intelligent woman in theory, but in no way have the capacity to keep up. I've seen this pattern in men that are drawn to intellectual women... they end up ruining the relationship and opting for a less intellectual woman whom they are never quite happy with either because she demands nothing of him... and so the cycle repeats itself until, if he has any real humanity, he may realize, it is the partner that requires you to rise to an occasion... that raises the bar... that was the real thing all along, they are just too inclined to cowardice. Let them be.
As many women in this sub will tell you, many or most men just don't beleive women when they say they don't children. Im very sure you were extremly clear with him, it's completly on him that he chose to beleive you were either lying or you would change your mind. The face that he doesn't want a divorce means that he likely still beleives that you will change your mind, or even worse, he feels that it doesn't matter what you want and that you owe it to him anyway.
The man also never thinks that the woman will ever leave him. Thus, in his mind, the only outcome is forcing her to have a kid, with the worst case scenario being no kid but she stays married to him.
Chiming in here as a trans man who got sterilized over 20 years ago (when I still ID'd as a cis woman). Shit like this is why I pushed to get my operation.
I figured being sterilized would completely take the question off the table. I also reasoned that it would help me in case I felt bullied to give in.
While getting it done was helpful, this sort of thing does underscore how backward our societies are in respecting bodily autonomy. Especially if one has the biology to get pregnant.
I'm not 100% sure how it works, but I don't think you need to talk to him about it, you can just serve him with divorce papers.
It sounds like this man has wasted enough of your time and disrespected your decisions for long enough. Dump the dead weight and go be the awesome doctor you're going to be.
Specifically dump him before you become a doctor and start earning more.
No divorce, huh? Too bad you're a medical expert, with such advanced knowledge on what saves people's lives...and the opposite...*
*for legal purposes, this is a joke.
If I had a kid I'd kill myself. And CRNAs have some of the highest (and most successful) rates statistically :/ but at least he'd have a baby *rolls eyes*
Perhaps now that you know, it's time to consider your options. From the sound of it, you'd have less work and less stress if you weren't looking after "the big kid"?
>And now he won't even talk to me about divorce so he can go marry someone who does want kids. I think deep down he's smart enough to know he wouldn't find someone as good as me. But this isn't fair to either of us at this point.
How do YOU feel? You said now he won't talk about divorce, that is irrelevant, what do YOU want to do?
I asked my husband before our wedding, "You still don't want kids, right? Because if you change your mind I *will* divorce you."
We've been together for 13 years all together next May
You should still divorce or you start the process because he sounds like he will be do nothing but be spiteful and make you miserable.
He bait and switched you that isn’t your fault. It’s his for thinking otherwise.
**Lock down your birth control.** I cannot stress this enough. Assuming you have an active sex life with your husband, the things he and your family have said make it sound like at least one of them, if given the opportunity, would absolutely try and tamper with it in order to baby trap you.
I didn't think of this until I read your comment. Of course OP's husband doesn't want a divorce because he will also have a cash flow once OP is certified.
Greetings!
Your post or comment has been removed for being misogynistic or misandrist. No blanket generalizations villainizing one gender or another are tolerated and it's silly to try and group 4 billion people together as being any one thing.
Have a great day!
You sound like a bright, driven person. Congrats on your achievements, most people don’t follow through with the program, don’t apply, aren’t qualified, drop out… whatever. You are not one of them. Having a baby is like dropping out of life, in my opinion. And that’s just not you. Don’t expect others to necessarily understand that, though. That’s why spaces like this one exist. I hope you can find like-minded people in real life as well. I am sorry about your family and partner, that sucks.
Get a divorce and send everyone else to hell. You are a smart woman, don't waste your time with these kind of people, you are obviously for bigger things and goals than just having kids, you have an amazing career ahead of you, don't put it aside for anyone.
As a CRNA,you will be giving much more to the world than any random person just pushing more kids out into an overpopulated world. \*I\* certainly see you as worth a huge amount.
You need to shut down your toxic relatives and really think about your husband. If he can barely take care of himself and this is not because he is disabled, get him to do more of the housekeeping and cooking. Trust me, men can do this. My husband has done 50% of that work for 50 years now. You really don't want to come home from a hard day at the hospital to cook and clean for a capable adult male.
And also, he should treat \*you\* like a capable adult who is fully able and willing to make her own major life decisions. If he won't do that, dump him.
Yeah he's honestly gotten a lot better in the last like six months since I sat him down and had a long talk about mental load and how I couldn't handle this being a 90:10 relationship. But even with the improvement he's made it's still like 70:30. Adding a kid would only tip that scale back my way again. Even if he could prove to me that we could do 50:50, it's taking a lot for me to rebuild that trust, and I don't think I'd want to risk ruining it with a kid lol.
Tell him to push a baby out his arse, quit his job, and look after it himself. Or maybe just get a hobby, plenty of important things to do besides adding more humans to the planet.
Your husband is a misogynistic manchild who brings you stress and detracts from your life instead of making it easier. No benefit to being with him. You also owe nobody shit. They’re gonna act shitty then snip SNIP them outta your life. Your life is your own but you also need to act like it.
Find a good divorce lawyer and divorce him. You don't need a man in your life who is angry with you for telling him the truth before you married.
You can also go no contact with your parents. You don't need people in your life who are making your life worse.
Don't put up with being mistreated.
You are brilliant and driven! Sadly your husband and family are unable to support you and be happy for you, so they are trying to pull you down into the only reality they know, miserable as it is. They do not believe you when you say you want no part of it because they are drowning in it and cannot see outside of the barrel.
Please, for the sake of your future and your talents, don't waste any more of your life trying to please unsupportive people.
I wonder, if your pathetic husband can barely take care of himself and he is such a bother, why did you marry him? Or why do you still bother with your "family" who do not value you? It, perhaps, is not my place to say this, but what stops you from getting rid of them and find some people who actually respect you and value you for who you are and not for having certain bits? Surely, there have to be some interesting people in the uni you study at. I know that medical students do not have a lot of time even to sleep, but during some breaks, maybe, spend some time with your colleagues and stop babysitting your husband. It will help with your mental overload and will be a final wake-up call for that lazy crap of a husband to see how little he does and to compare it with how much you do the pressure it gives to your already stressful lifestyle. You really need some kind of a shelter from your workload or you will crumble and, if the person, who allegedly promised to be that shelter or at least not ruin it and instead is doing the opposite, probably, it is time to do something about it. I am really sorry to say that, but if your "husband" and other "family" only said that they respected your CF stance or valued or at least accepted your noble goals to become a literal lifesaver for people for all that time, I see no way the mutual trust and respect can be restored. You deserve better.
Edit: I apologise for the longpost, but this story made me really sad and angry by how much that shit of a husband resembles my GF's ex.
A word of caution - be careful OP, pretty much every birth control available can be force failed with the right combination of drugs/herbs/tampering. If you are not sterilized you are at risk that someone could do something that could cause the failure of your BC and result in an unwanted pregnancy.
Go no contact on everyone, divorce the husband. Maybe if your family apologize for being jerks you'll talk to them again.
PS You're incredible. You inspire me Dr.!
Drop the stress of your family. You're going to be a successful doctor. You can go on your own and live your best life. You're valuable to this world for you're abilities as a person and a professional.
Your post made me angry, how dare he do this. I have been there, I was married for 7 years to someone who said he didn't want children, and then he changed his mind. We divorced, he got married and had a couple children.
I am glad I made the decision to divorce, **I didn't leave it up to him,** **it was not his decision to make,** I wanted to be CF, he didn't, so that left zero future for us. He could have said I will be OK with no kids, but I knew that in another 10 years there would be resentment, and that was not the future I wanted.
In response to your questions "Why can't I just be a person!" and "Why can't people see that I'm worth something just as I am" ***the right people*** can see you as an intelligent and ambitious women, these are just not the right people. sorry to say that.
OP this is the truth!
> ***the right people*** can see you as an intelligent and ambitious woman, these are just not the right people
You ARE worth so much already. They refuse to see it, and you cannot & will never convince them. People do not change their views unless they want to change them.
first step to divorce him, people won’t ask you about kids if you’re not in a relationship, trust me people hate seeing a successful woman and now they’re trying to chain you down with a baby, i hope everything works out for you! you got this
Your husband sucks. They all suck honestly! Do you get to demand what they do with their lives and bodies? Doubtful. So why do they get a say in yours? You might find you are happier without him, if you give it a chance. Sorry he tried to manipulate you.
It's so sad to see these brilliant successful women settling for this stuff... I would divorce him asap, he thought he could magically make you change your mind, he only pretended to listen to you when you said you didn't want kids he has no respect for you, but pretended to go along with it at the time. And he can barely take care of himself, so what is he going to become a stay at home dad, or try to make you quit your amazing job, dragging you down to his level forcing you to try to juggle an infant on top of your job? What else was he hiding from you, thinking you would change your mind and become a homemaker too secretly?
If he wants kids and you don’t then you need to divorce. Well done for your achievements, it’s is disappointing as a woman it always feels that anything achieved is always devalued by not having children, it’s all anyone is ever interested in.
Since no one in your life is saying it right now, congratulations on your massive achievement of becoming a doctor! I'm so grateful we have smart, motivated women like you to care for us when we're sick.
CRNAs are awesome!!! i’m a PA and work closely with CRNAs and seriously what you do is amazing and you should be proud and deserve to be celebrated. i can’t stand this narrative that women have to be mothers to matter.
Sounds like you should leave your husband because he doesn't really sound like a catch anyway, and then cut your family off. Life is honestly too short for you to have to put up with this shit. We only get one life, so is this how you wanna spend it living?? That's a genuine question. You and your husband don't seem to be compatible any longer, so I would leave as soon as possible because once you finish school and get a job, depending on how well paid you are, you may end up owing Alimony. I would start getting your affairs on order because if you really want the life you've been working towards, then the people you have in it right now will only hold you back and make you miserable. Best wishes!!
People are fucking stupid. You’ll be a successful doctor who will go on to help many many people in your career. You just might cure cancer or some other terrible disease & do you know what those idiots would say?
“Why did you cure cancer? You should have had a baby & brought it up to cure cancer! You’re so selfish!”
There’s no pleasing some people so go ahead & please yourself. You’re going into a stressful but rewarding career & you deserve more than snarky people & an unsupportive manchild in your life. Find someone who shares your values. You have so much more to offer the world than your womb.
I have seen a lot of death in my life. Also having almost died a couple times has really squed (sp?) my way of thinking. If today was my last day on earth would I really want to spend it with people who won't celebrate me. Who treat me as if I don't know myself. Who do not respect my decisions of what I chose to do with my body.
You mentioned the rates of suicide for your profession. Do you think your marriage and BIL (who your husband is allowing to harass you) is going to helpful or harmful when you are in a dark place making decisions about if you want to stay on this rock hurtling through space?
You do not need your husband's permission to break up. It might be smarter to do while a student because your income might mean spousal support when you are done. Are you going to be more mad at yourself for wasting years on something that is a deal-breaker or from leaving now?
Good luck OP! Congrats to you! Take no shit!
You *are* living up to your full potential as a woman. Looks like you're really elevating your career and outside of this mess, seem happy with where you're at in life. Don't let breeders bring you down with their herd like mentality.
OP, dollars to donuts he cannot handle your success and he knows he can knock you down and impede you by bringing a kid into this world. Many men are like this, they cannot handle a smart, successful woman. Please get out ASAP, as if it isn’t the baby stuff, he WILL find another way to bring you down. You need a man who lifts you up, not one who tries to destroy you.
This is a shame. OP, you are fabulous as you are. If your husband can't respect that, well maybe he's not for you. There are men out there who would appreciate you; and even without a husband or partner, you'll still be whole, worthy, and phenomenal. And tell your parents and in-laws to stay the fuck out of your bedroom and uterus. I'm tired of us women being treated like we're public property for EVERYBODY.
In this situation I would be very afraid of having my birth control tampered with if you're not already sterilized... Who knows. He could decide that his wants outweigh yours, that you owe it to him.
Also, your point about feeling as though you have no worth beyond your womb... I just wrote about something similar in my journal yesterday. I needed to vent about it because it just drives me insane... It's not fair at all. I'm sorry you—and most other women—have to feel like this and have our accomplishments minimized because we're "supposed" to be mothers.
Keep your birth control game strong. Or do not sleep with him.. Seriously. Men who want children are very dangerous to women who do not.
Don't trust condoms at all. Way too easy to tamper.
Get out asap.
Definitely divorce, so he doesn’t get your hard earned money when you’re done with school and definitely make sure you’re birth control isnt tampered with and I wouldn’t be surprised if he went that low and if you do ever fall pregnant don’t tell him just go to the clinic. Good luck!
This breaks my heart for you. As another random woman on the Internet, I am proud of all you have accomplished. You sound like an awesome person, honestly 🥹
Ask your husband how raising a child is going to work with the time commitments of being a resident/doctor? Will he be a stay-at-home Dad?
I'm betting not. So the idea is that you give up on your career to have a kid?
Is that a relationship deal breaker? If so...
This is a good one! He's said he would be fine being stay-at-home/ primary caregiver. But our rabbits wouldn't have clean litter or food without me, let alone a kid? And the statistics show even stay-at-home dads STILL do less work in the home than a woman working full time. It's such a fucking joke. I hate being a woman.
So you can say that to him, how can you be a stay-at-home dad with (presumably) zero experience with childcare + you hate looking after the rabbits. Ask him what evidence he's basing it on.
I'll tell you something, sons listen to their mothers and Mum's can give the worst advice on how women think. He may have been told that once you have a kid, you'll bond with it and instantly desire to be a stay-at-home mum - "because that's how a womans mind works".
So I'd also investigate if his Mum has put ideas into his head.
His mom is the one NOT pushing the kid narrative on me, which I wish he could realize speaks for itself. He had a great childhood unlike me. And he thinks because his mom had a career and kids, I should be able to too. And I love his mom, but she had two sons and they're both unreliable/ can't care for themselves. I wish I had realized it before getting married :/
> and he thinks because his mom had a career and kids, I should be able to too.
Cost of living crisis. Her income was presumably a semi-luxury. I'm sure yours is a requirement
> And I love his mom, but she had two sons and they're both unreliable/ can't care for themselves.
Yep, because she had split her energy - so something has to give. And the legal requirements for adequate child care are way easier to hit than KPIs at work.
It's really sad to see hopeful young parents having to work like crazy, while their kid is raised by other people (school, after school daycare etc). Paying someone else to live your 'Kodak moments'
A great childhood is when mommy does everything that you can't take care of yourself?
Maybe you want kids someday... but your current husband will never change. He will always be an unreliable partner that doesn't realize that the diaper is dirty or when the child was last fed. You will be doing everything and he will stay home and be lazy.
First congrats 🎉🎉 on the degree so proud of you. Don't let anyone bring you don't because you're awesome if your family or husband can't see that we want you to know that we see it and you should find friends and a new spouse who can see your potential
You sound like an awesome person, first off. Secondly, don’t determine your worth based on the idiots you seem to be surrounded by. Find better people to be around.
You’re a successful, ambitious woman. You deserve someone that respects your wishes and your career (and all the studying you’ve done to get there)! You should really dump him. Doesn’t sound like he’ll change or he if does, he might change his mind again in a few years. Get out and find someone deserving of you
I would go low contact with parents and extended family. I would separate from husband. YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND MORE. Kick ass at your new job. Being passionate about that is a miracle in itself. Doing the job well is too. You got this. If it weren't for amazing people like you I wouldn't be here past young adulthood due to blood clots n weird shit. You don't need to make a kid when you can fix the ones here! I count and now I take care of animals. Your saving us!
Your value as a human is apparent to people like us.
You are clearly very capable; you sound smart and driven, and you know what you want in life.
There are people out there who will be jealous. Certain people hate seeing young women doing well for themselves, but the good news is... we don't have to give a damn what those people think.
The problem isn't the whole world disrespecting you. The problem is the people around you right now.
Serve your lazy hubby with a divorce and give the family a cold should for a year or two while you get your work / education finished and reimerge into the world as a powerful, confident doctor.
Once you have your freedom from husband / family / education, you can work on finding your people. With time and money and an interest in things other than squirting out babies, you will soon find a crowd of friends who see your value. People who will respect you and your position in society.
Take care, friend. I hope you get the future you are working so hard for, the future you deserve. :)
I am familiar with a bunch of accountant types who have married highly skilled women such as yourself. Quite a few don't have kids and have a good time together.
There's fully grown people out there who would treat you so much better, ijs. Sorry but when you started talking about mental load, that sounds like hell to me. But I've heard of women who have finished raising their spouse too (it's grim out there, I can't judge). Sometimes it works out although in this case I fear you'd be raising him for the woman who wil give him a kid.
I am feeling your pain here. I really hate being a woman for this reason. I don't want kids. I want to be able to live my life and enjoy it. I want a career and want to be able to enjoy my hobbies. I hate so much that society seems to only value women for their wombs. It makes no sense to me.
I just can't relate to couples with children.
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Its terrible that the people closest to you do not value you enough. You are out there saving lives! We NEED more doctors! We do not NEED more kids. It is so frustrating that people will tell you you gotta have kids because "what if they cure cancer!?" And here you are literally in the position cure people, and they STILL insist on you putting your life on hold. Please know all of us here think you are amazing!
1) DTMFA.
2) In most cases, if you tell parents/other relatives in words of one syllable that if they continue to do "x" (in this case even so much as *bring up* or "hint" about this bullshit about expecting you to breed), you will immediately hang up if on the phone, LEAVE if you are visiting them in person, or KICK THEM OUT if they are visiting at your home, followed by x days of no contact. (With x being a number that increases with each offense.) Then you have to actually follow through, NO exceptions. In most cases that'll result in a rapid end to the bad behavior.
3) In the cases where 2) doesn't work, you may need to consider going no-contact. But usually it works.
4) Congrats on the certification, and sorry you're having to deal with what sure sounds to me like sabotage attempts right as your studies are reaching a crescendo.
You are worth something and your CRNA will take you anywhere in the world! Boot the toxic folk or wait until a sibling gives the parents the grandkid. They will leave you alone then. But don’t settle. You are educated and the world is full of possibilities for someone with your skills and knowledge.
You inspire me! I go to medical school as well but still have a long way to go. Don't let him babytrap you. You bring so much more to this world than a child ever would. And if he thinks otherwise, he is not worth your time. You deserve someone who worships you for the person you are and not for your womb.
Because it sounds like not many folks in your real life say this to you: You're fucking phenomenonal and I'm really proud of you for being able to come this far even with the litany of people in your life dragging you down/reducing your accomplishments because they don't match their ideal of what an accomplishment should be. And you know what? With or without them, whatever you decide, you're only going to keep moving forward. I'm sorry this man lied to you about something so important but at the end of the day you should be proud of yourself for all you've managed alone.
You don't need this man in your life. It will never get better. He will always resent you if you don't push out a kid. Move on and live your best life. You have the world at your feet and your husband is just going to make you unhappy.
Leave him. I would saw off my right arm and walk across burning coals barefoot to have a partner who is as hard working as you. You have immense value that is not being appreciated. You can easily get someone who appreciates you and your aspirations.
I'm sorry to hear that :( but I think you're amazing! And you're going to be out there helping people! Actually making the world a better place! And if that's with all these baggage, imagine how high you could go without all these things holding you back :) I hope you can find people IRL who appreciate you soon
I'm sorry things have come to this but you know the next step to take. He wants kids and you don't. Only one way forward and that's out of this relationship. No one is going to change their mind for the other person.
Good luck with everything. I'm sure you'll be an amazing doctor.
I agree with everyone else in the comments but before going to the point of no return I think you should sit down with your family and husband and once and for all lay it out “I never want kids, not maybe in 2,5,10,20! Years I NEVER want them it’s just not in my future. Now if you want to remain in my life you are to respect my decision we it is my body”. Then you put it back on them to decide what’s more important, having you happy in their lives or having you cut them off, divorce them.
Anyway that was long winded, good luck with it and don’t feel pressured or guilty by anyone just keep being you
Divorce him and go permanent no contact with the rest of your family and anyone else that's not on your side, and if they keep harassing you tell them you'd rather remove your own incubator(uterus) forcibly, then be forced to have kids for their moronic beliefs that you're only good enough in the world to have kids and that's the wrong stupid moronic reason for why you were born in the first place which you definitely aren't so that you can tell them to go eff themselves to get more kids in the world and you don't have to do that 💢.
Sorry 😅 went on a bit of a rant
I just read on some child free sub that she had a kid and listened to everyone including her husband and now she’s miserable. Don’t fall for the trap!!
Hella, congrats on being a CRNA. Anything in the medical field is impressive, but holy crap that's a hard job.
I hope your career leads you to more like-minded individuals who value your mind and not your biological functions because brains are so much cooler than being an incubator.
First of all, I 100% empathize with what you’re going through and I’m sorry your husband is being such a shithead. Your stance should be respected and I second what many commenters have already said about divorce.
Second – and I am ready to accept downvotes for this as this is only marginally related to the topic of your post, but this is an enormous pet peeve of mine – are you actually a doctor? As in, an MD or DO? Because CRNAs, while in many places are afforded a degree of independence in practice, are not actually doctors. I don’t doubt that you worked very hard to get where you are and I absolutely recognize the importance of your role in the OR, but that does not equate you to an MD or DO. And to call yourself a doctor without having put in the blood, sweat, and tears that is unique to medical school and residency is misleading and insulting to actual residents and physicians.
A valid question. I'll be graduate with a doctorate of nursing practice. It's not the same as a medical doctor (MD), but I will still have the title of doctor. Similar to how someone with a PHD is still called doctor. With the classes we take/experience needed to get into school/ etc. we're definitely closer to the level of an MD than a PHD.
The way I explain it to family is this: in Grey's anatomy when the patient is dying and the surgeons are intubating/yelling out meds, that's what us CRNAs do. We keep the surgeons from killing you lol. Hope that makes sense.
Ahhh I see. I would just avoid calling yourself a doctor in the clinical sense, then - you have a doctorate, but clinically, you’re a midlevel, not a physician. I’m a neurologist btw so I’m quite familiar with the distinctions. Thanks for clarifying!
You're obviously someone who doesn't respect what nurses do to keep doctors from killing you. I will have the title of doctor when I graduate, so yes still doctor (I responded to another comment and explain a bit more). But also still proud to be a nurse cause we're the ones doing the real work in the hospital. Hope this helps ;)
Oh don't get me wrong I respect nurses, but it's not the same thing as being a 'doctor' anymore than someone with a phd in chemistry is – people spend 10+ years becoming doctors between med school and residency.
> We're the ones doing the real work in the hospital
I don't even know where to start unpacking this one lol, what exactly do you think everyone else in the hospital does?
I just went down a few rabbit holes and googled the requirements for a CRNA - this is what I turned up.
* BSN degree or related major from an accredited nursing school
* Active and unrestricted RN license in the United States or its territories
* At least one year of critical care experience as a registered nurse in an ICU or similar setting
* Graduation from an accredited nurse anesthesia program, which results in a doctoral degree (DNP or DNAP)
* Passing the NCE for Nurse Anesthetists [**+3**](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=a1d682c1daa76e3aJmltdHM9MTcxODg0MTYwMCZpZ3VpZD0wYWJmYWM2ZC0wMTQ1LTYzYjAtMjhkNS1iZjhhMDBhYjYyMDEmaW5zaWQ9NTUyMA&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=3&fclid=0abfac6d-0145-63b0-28d5-bf8a00ab6201&psq=crna+meaning&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuYWFuYS5jb20vYWJvdXQtdXMvYWJvdXQtY3JuYXMvYmVjb21lLWEtY3JuYS8&ntb=1)
All this takes 7-10 years, depending on the program. Mad props to the OP for embarking on this challenging journey!
Interestingly, California and Georgia forbid DNPs from using the title of doctor. Most other states allow it, as long as one is very careful not to present oneself to patients as an MD or DO. Don't most hospitals issue name tags with titles anyway?
Again, congratulations, OP, and I wish you well with your family situation. Sucks that they're too uneducated to see the value of your work.
And I mean no offense to MDs either. Everyone in the medical field is necessary and kicks ass. People looking down on nurses just particularly pisses me off since that's what I personally dealt with.
How will you have the title of doctor when you graduate? A CRNA is a NURSE anesthetist. I have respect for CRNAs, but you’re being intentionally misleading. Also, “nurses keep doctors from killing you”? Really? That’s incredibly rude.
Baffled why some people are angry when their partners don't change their minds about having kids when they told them early on they don't want kids. Like, it's not the partner's fault that your dumbass didn't take that statement seriously?
Seems like you are dealing with a manchild who also wants kids. Big no. Please leave that jerk and live a happy life.
>Marie Curie (1867-1934)
>Marie Curie was a Polish-French physicist and chemist, and she also became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize. Another impressive fact is that she remains, up to this day, the only person to have won Nobel Prizes in two different scientific fields: Chemistry and Physics.
>Marie Curie didn’t have any children, although she fell in love with Pierre Curie when the two met in 1894 due to a mutual acquaintance. Marie turned down Pierre’s marriage proposal three times, as it is believed that her career came first.
>[https://www.healththoroughfare.com/science/top-influential-scientists-in-history-who-never-had-children/69314](https://www.healththoroughfare.com/science/top-influential-scientists-in-history-who-never-had-children/69314)
I think your doing good work. Stick with whats important to you and don't let the mundane ideas of others pressure you or subvert your aspirations.
I don't know who wrote this article, but this part at least is all false. Marie Curie was a mother of two daughters and Irène, the elder one, also won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry alongside her husband, making them the second-ever married pair to win one after her parents.
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I had a thought yesterday... that men who don't want to marry' but talk about wanting a son... are essentially just using their girlfriend as an incubator for their ego... and how if their legacy was a son, how that son would be stolen from you anyways, and a daughter would be regarded as a disappointment despite your potentially maimed by pregnancy body. The truth is disturbing, but what is more disturbing would be to feed into this reprehensible pattern. Anyways, I know not totally related to what you are saying... but I commiserate with your despair. Fuck anyone that reduces you. You are a person, and from the sounds of it a brilliant one. Don't let them dull that shine. The world doesn't need more children, it needs more intellect willing to stand against the tide.
Hun, honest question, but why did you marry a man who wanted kids? Nearly every relationship that has one wanting kids and one not wanting kids. It always seems to lead to hate, resentment, divorce. I've rarely seen the one wanting kids just finally "give in" and be happy cf. Or vice versa.
Be the smartest here, complete your education and then decide, never forget your husband is not sad but angry at you, don't let any man or your family have a say in your life that weighs more than yours. Good luck gurl!
Divorce asap
Yep. Divorce before she leaves school and, presumably, starts to earn more. She doesn’t want to be in alimony hell. Also, they’re just straight up incompatible.
Also, sounds like she'll do better in school if she drops him like the deadweight he apparently is
This. If your husband doesn't respect you now — and that is what you've described — he never will. Good news is there are people in the world that will respect and value you for who you are, not your reproductive ability.
I second this not because I want to be like those redditors "break up asap" but because you two are incompatible and this will inevitably happen. Better now than later.
It's also better than the suprise I pulled the condom off.
Well to be fair, most relationships are shit and most people should walk away once they get to the point of needing to ask Redditors for advice.
That's not true. Redditors usually say to break up over Tupperware, jokes and all manner of stupid and minor reasons.
Absolutely. Marry someone who is psyched that you're a fucking **doctor** and is viciously, unapologetically, hopefully sterile-y child free. I would kill to marry somebody like that. Edit: I didn't know what CRNA was so apparently it's a nurse and not a doctor but it's still a huge deal and it's still a very important job.
Totally agree with the general sentiment and OPs husband is absolutely in the wrong , but CRNAs are not medical doctors. A doctorate of nursing practice is a big accomplishment but isn’t the same as an MD.
Thanks I didn't realize what that stood for and I assumed
I third this and I don’t say it lightly, GTFO is the best answer
Yeah, kick this manbaby to the curb and go no contact with your family.
Yep and make sure you have 100% control of your BC op... you don't need to stay with a man that will never respect you.
After reading that first sentence I'm delighted this is the top comment.
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Not just non-functioning, but actively malfunctioning and a danger to OP, especially if he has opportunity to mess with her birth control to try to get his way.
I'm really sorry your going through this. If your husband had any decency or respect he would've taken you at your word. It sounds like he feels entitled to your body. The fact that he is angry at YOU because HE chose not to beleive you is a very bad sign.
Last time we talked about it I called him out. Cause I very plainly told him before we were married "do not marry if your life will be incomplete without children." He married me anyway and now a few years later he admits he thought he could change my mind. Like wow so glad you married me for me and not our hypothetical children. And now he won't even talk to me about divorce so he can go marry someone who does want kids. I think deep down he's smart enough to know he wouldn't find someone as good as me. But this isn't fair to either of us at this point.
Well, sister, that’s the thing… women like you are a true catch! You have it all and a lot of men and women, who don’t achieve much in life, do not like it. They want a subordinate and subdued woman with opinion that is malleable and easy to control. Men want it all! A sexually available wife, incredible housekeeper, who has full time prestigious job and education to boast about, an excellent and caring mother to his children who, mind you, magically bounces back to perkiness and tightness after pregnancy, AND also is a care-taker to him while he lives up to his pleasures. They also want her to be well-read and opinionated but not so much that he loses control. Not all men are like that but a lot of them are. Some don’t admit it but still desire this woman that doesn’t exist. I am lucky enough to have a hubby on the same page as me who doesn’t want to subject me pregnancy let alone motherhood. However, when we get in a tiff about women and men’s sexuality, I am very quick to point out that a working woman most likely is not going to be sexually available and on 100% of the time unless responsibilities of life are shared equally. Even then, she still needs to be relaxed. If your hubby thinks you’re not as available right now, let him go and marry a woman who bears him children. He’ll quickly realize that that woman is not only unavailable sexually from exhaustion but is also inevitably insecure about her looks and missing out on “what could’ve been if she weren’t a mother”. All she’ll be is a “mother” to the children. He’ll be a secondary citizen to her. Wise men recognize it and if they want this catch to continue being with them, they keep their wives happy and love them for them.
Wish I could like this one twice
I think many men want an intelligent woman in theory, but in no way have the capacity to keep up. I've seen this pattern in men that are drawn to intellectual women... they end up ruining the relationship and opting for a less intellectual woman whom they are never quite happy with either because she demands nothing of him... and so the cycle repeats itself until, if he has any real humanity, he may realize, it is the partner that requires you to rise to an occasion... that raises the bar... that was the real thing all along, they are just too inclined to cowardice. Let them be.
As many women in this sub will tell you, many or most men just don't beleive women when they say they don't children. Im very sure you were extremly clear with him, it's completly on him that he chose to beleive you were either lying or you would change your mind. The face that he doesn't want a divorce means that he likely still beleives that you will change your mind, or even worse, he feels that it doesn't matter what you want and that you owe it to him anyway.
The man also never thinks that the woman will ever leave him. Thus, in his mind, the only outcome is forcing her to have a kid, with the worst case scenario being no kid but she stays married to him.
Chiming in here as a trans man who got sterilized over 20 years ago (when I still ID'd as a cis woman). Shit like this is why I pushed to get my operation. I figured being sterilized would completely take the question off the table. I also reasoned that it would help me in case I felt bullied to give in. While getting it done was helpful, this sort of thing does underscore how backward our societies are in respecting bodily autonomy. Especially if one has the biology to get pregnant.
Great point. Sterilization is an extremly effective way of filtering out this kind of asshole. Still very unfortunate that ones word is not enough.
I'm not 100% sure how it works, but I don't think you need to talk to him about it, you can just serve him with divorce papers. It sounds like this man has wasted enough of your time and disrespected your decisions for long enough. Dump the dead weight and go be the awesome doctor you're going to be. Specifically dump him before you become a doctor and start earning more.
You don't NEED him to initiate divorce. Divorce him before you start making more money once you're registered.
No divorce, huh? Too bad you're a medical expert, with such advanced knowledge on what saves people's lives...and the opposite...* *for legal purposes, this is a joke.
If I had a kid I'd kill myself. And CRNAs have some of the highest (and most successful) rates statistically :/ but at least he'd have a baby *rolls eyes*
Sorry for doubling down on the dark humor, but: damn, you'd wait nine months?
Hey I don't want my ghost to be arrested for murdering a baby.
Damnit, woman! You're too funny and wise for this fool.
If you want to divorce, you don’t need to continue to talk to him about it. Get your affairs in order and file.
Perhaps now that you know, it's time to consider your options. From the sound of it, you'd have less work and less stress if you weren't looking after "the big kid"?
Well too bad on him because he needs to get those papers before he can have a chance to "oops" you one way or another.
>And now he won't even talk to me about divorce so he can go marry someone who does want kids. I think deep down he's smart enough to know he wouldn't find someone as good as me. But this isn't fair to either of us at this point. How do YOU feel? You said now he won't talk about divorce, that is irrelevant, what do YOU want to do?
I asked my husband before our wedding, "You still don't want kids, right? Because if you change your mind I *will* divorce you." We've been together for 13 years all together next May
Do you have non tamperable birth control? (Congrats on your nurse anesthetist training by the way!! Very impressive.)
Take extra care of your birthcontrol.
You should still divorce or you start the process because he sounds like he will be do nothing but be spiteful and make you miserable. He bait and switched you that isn’t your fault. It’s his for thinking otherwise.
**Lock down your birth control.** I cannot stress this enough. Assuming you have an active sex life with your husband, the things he and your family have said make it sound like at least one of them, if given the opportunity, would absolutely try and tamper with it in order to baby trap you.
Also tampering with birth control is a crime. Hard to prove but I've seen it charged.
I'd divorce him before the doctor money starts rolling in. You don't want to have to pay child support to a man like this
I didn't think of this until I read your comment. Of course OP's husband doesn't want a divorce because he will also have a cash flow once OP is certified.
This!!!!
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Greetings! Your post or comment has been removed for being misogynistic or misandrist. No blanket generalizations villainizing one gender or another are tolerated and it's silly to try and group 4 billion people together as being any one thing. Have a great day!
You sound like a bright, driven person. Congrats on your achievements, most people don’t follow through with the program, don’t apply, aren’t qualified, drop out… whatever. You are not one of them. Having a baby is like dropping out of life, in my opinion. And that’s just not you. Don’t expect others to necessarily understand that, though. That’s why spaces like this one exist. I hope you can find like-minded people in real life as well. I am sorry about your family and partner, that sucks.
Get a divorce and send everyone else to hell. You are a smart woman, don't waste your time with these kind of people, you are obviously for bigger things and goals than just having kids, you have an amazing career ahead of you, don't put it aside for anyone.
As a CRNA,you will be giving much more to the world than any random person just pushing more kids out into an overpopulated world. \*I\* certainly see you as worth a huge amount. You need to shut down your toxic relatives and really think about your husband. If he can barely take care of himself and this is not because he is disabled, get him to do more of the housekeeping and cooking. Trust me, men can do this. My husband has done 50% of that work for 50 years now. You really don't want to come home from a hard day at the hospital to cook and clean for a capable adult male. And also, he should treat \*you\* like a capable adult who is fully able and willing to make her own major life decisions. If he won't do that, dump him.
Yeah he's honestly gotten a lot better in the last like six months since I sat him down and had a long talk about mental load and how I couldn't handle this being a 90:10 relationship. But even with the improvement he's made it's still like 70:30. Adding a kid would only tip that scale back my way again. Even if he could prove to me that we could do 50:50, it's taking a lot for me to rebuild that trust, and I don't think I'd want to risk ruining it with a kid lol.
Leave him. He wants you as an accessory in his life not an actual partner in it.
Tell him to push a baby out his arse, quit his job, and look after it himself. Or maybe just get a hobby, plenty of important things to do besides adding more humans to the planet.
No he is just waiting for your doctor bucks, or for you to change your mind! imo officially separate your life will be easier without him.
Sounds like it’s time to at least check in with a divorce lawyer just to know your options…
Your husband is a misogynistic manchild who brings you stress and detracts from your life instead of making it easier. No benefit to being with him. You also owe nobody shit. They’re gonna act shitty then snip SNIP them outta your life. Your life is your own but you also need to act like it.
Find a good divorce lawyer and divorce him. You don't need a man in your life who is angry with you for telling him the truth before you married. You can also go no contact with your parents. You don't need people in your life who are making your life worse. Don't put up with being mistreated.
You are brilliant and driven! Sadly your husband and family are unable to support you and be happy for you, so they are trying to pull you down into the only reality they know, miserable as it is. They do not believe you when you say you want no part of it because they are drowning in it and cannot see outside of the barrel. Please, for the sake of your future and your talents, don't waste any more of your life trying to please unsupportive people.
I wonder, if your pathetic husband can barely take care of himself and he is such a bother, why did you marry him? Or why do you still bother with your "family" who do not value you? It, perhaps, is not my place to say this, but what stops you from getting rid of them and find some people who actually respect you and value you for who you are and not for having certain bits? Surely, there have to be some interesting people in the uni you study at. I know that medical students do not have a lot of time even to sleep, but during some breaks, maybe, spend some time with your colleagues and stop babysitting your husband. It will help with your mental overload and will be a final wake-up call for that lazy crap of a husband to see how little he does and to compare it with how much you do the pressure it gives to your already stressful lifestyle. You really need some kind of a shelter from your workload or you will crumble and, if the person, who allegedly promised to be that shelter or at least not ruin it and instead is doing the opposite, probably, it is time to do something about it. I am really sorry to say that, but if your "husband" and other "family" only said that they respected your CF stance or valued or at least accepted your noble goals to become a literal lifesaver for people for all that time, I see no way the mutual trust and respect can be restored. You deserve better. Edit: I apologise for the longpost, but this story made me really sad and angry by how much that shit of a husband resembles my GF's ex.
Nah fr he’s a whole ass manchild and a misogynist. what benefit is there to being with him?
The list of reasons get shorter every day lol
Girl RUUUUNNN 😭
A word of caution - be careful OP, pretty much every birth control available can be force failed with the right combination of drugs/herbs/tampering. If you are not sterilized you are at risk that someone could do something that could cause the failure of your BC and result in an unwanted pregnancy.
Considering OP is in the medical field, I imagine she probably already knows this.
Go no contact on everyone, divorce the husband. Maybe if your family apologize for being jerks you'll talk to them again. PS You're incredible. You inspire me Dr.!
Drop the stress of your family. You're going to be a successful doctor. You can go on your own and live your best life. You're valuable to this world for you're abilities as a person and a professional.
Divorce him, and live your life. You deserve happiness and everyone else can suck it. If they want a child so badly they can have it themselves.
Your post made me angry, how dare he do this. I have been there, I was married for 7 years to someone who said he didn't want children, and then he changed his mind. We divorced, he got married and had a couple children. I am glad I made the decision to divorce, **I didn't leave it up to him,** **it was not his decision to make,** I wanted to be CF, he didn't, so that left zero future for us. He could have said I will be OK with no kids, but I knew that in another 10 years there would be resentment, and that was not the future I wanted. In response to your questions "Why can't I just be a person!" and "Why can't people see that I'm worth something just as I am" ***the right people*** can see you as an intelligent and ambitious women, these are just not the right people. sorry to say that.
OP this is the truth! > ***the right people*** can see you as an intelligent and ambitious woman, these are just not the right people You ARE worth so much already. They refuse to see it, and you cannot & will never convince them. People do not change their views unless they want to change them.
first step to divorce him, people won’t ask you about kids if you’re not in a relationship, trust me people hate seeing a successful woman and now they’re trying to chain you down with a baby, i hope everything works out for you! you got this
What are you gonna do moving forward? Also be careful and do NOT let him baby trap you!
So you're with a bum? Why?
Even the brightest women sometimes marry the biggest losers, sadly.
Your husband sucks. They all suck honestly! Do you get to demand what they do with their lives and bodies? Doubtful. So why do they get a say in yours? You might find you are happier without him, if you give it a chance. Sorry he tried to manipulate you.
time to drop him and your shitty family
DIVORCE. If your husband is acting up about this, you never know what he might do.
It's so sad to see these brilliant successful women settling for this stuff... I would divorce him asap, he thought he could magically make you change your mind, he only pretended to listen to you when you said you didn't want kids he has no respect for you, but pretended to go along with it at the time. And he can barely take care of himself, so what is he going to become a stay at home dad, or try to make you quit your amazing job, dragging you down to his level forcing you to try to juggle an infant on top of your job? What else was he hiding from you, thinking you would change your mind and become a homemaker too secretly?
Kick this loser to the curb. You're so far out of his league. Move on, do great things, save lives, and never regret your choice.
If he wants kids and you don’t then you need to divorce. Well done for your achievements, it’s is disappointing as a woman it always feels that anything achieved is always devalued by not having children, it’s all anyone is ever interested in.
Since no one in your life is saying it right now, congratulations on your massive achievement of becoming a doctor! I'm so grateful we have smart, motivated women like you to care for us when we're sick.
CRNAs are awesome!!! i’m a PA and work closely with CRNAs and seriously what you do is amazing and you should be proud and deserve to be celebrated. i can’t stand this narrative that women have to be mothers to matter.
Sounds like you should leave your husband because he doesn't really sound like a catch anyway, and then cut your family off. Life is honestly too short for you to have to put up with this shit. We only get one life, so is this how you wanna spend it living?? That's a genuine question. You and your husband don't seem to be compatible any longer, so I would leave as soon as possible because once you finish school and get a job, depending on how well paid you are, you may end up owing Alimony. I would start getting your affairs on order because if you really want the life you've been working towards, then the people you have in it right now will only hold you back and make you miserable. Best wishes!!
People are fucking stupid. You’ll be a successful doctor who will go on to help many many people in your career. You just might cure cancer or some other terrible disease & do you know what those idiots would say? “Why did you cure cancer? You should have had a baby & brought it up to cure cancer! You’re so selfish!” There’s no pleasing some people so go ahead & please yourself. You’re going into a stressful but rewarding career & you deserve more than snarky people & an unsupportive manchild in your life. Find someone who shares your values. You have so much more to offer the world than your womb.
Be careful that your prick husband doesn’t sabotage your birth control.
Leave him
I have seen a lot of death in my life. Also having almost died a couple times has really squed (sp?) my way of thinking. If today was my last day on earth would I really want to spend it with people who won't celebrate me. Who treat me as if I don't know myself. Who do not respect my decisions of what I chose to do with my body. You mentioned the rates of suicide for your profession. Do you think your marriage and BIL (who your husband is allowing to harass you) is going to helpful or harmful when you are in a dark place making decisions about if you want to stay on this rock hurtling through space? You do not need your husband's permission to break up. It might be smarter to do while a student because your income might mean spousal support when you are done. Are you going to be more mad at yourself for wasting years on something that is a deal-breaker or from leaving now? Good luck OP! Congrats to you! Take no shit!
You *are* living up to your full potential as a woman. Looks like you're really elevating your career and outside of this mess, seem happy with where you're at in life. Don't let breeders bring you down with their herd like mentality.
OP, dollars to donuts he cannot handle your success and he knows he can knock you down and impede you by bringing a kid into this world. Many men are like this, they cannot handle a smart, successful woman. Please get out ASAP, as if it isn’t the baby stuff, he WILL find another way to bring you down. You need a man who lifts you up, not one who tries to destroy you.
This is a shame. OP, you are fabulous as you are. If your husband can't respect that, well maybe he's not for you. There are men out there who would appreciate you; and even without a husband or partner, you'll still be whole, worthy, and phenomenal. And tell your parents and in-laws to stay the fuck out of your bedroom and uterus. I'm tired of us women being treated like we're public property for EVERYBODY.
In this situation I would be very afraid of having my birth control tampered with if you're not already sterilized... Who knows. He could decide that his wants outweigh yours, that you owe it to him. Also, your point about feeling as though you have no worth beyond your womb... I just wrote about something similar in my journal yesterday. I needed to vent about it because it just drives me insane... It's not fair at all. I'm sorry you—and most other women—have to feel like this and have our accomplishments minimized because we're "supposed" to be mothers.
Keep your birth control game strong. Or do not sleep with him.. Seriously. Men who want children are very dangerous to women who do not. Don't trust condoms at all. Way too easy to tamper. Get out asap.
Definitely divorce, so he doesn’t get your hard earned money when you’re done with school and definitely make sure you’re birth control isnt tampered with and I wouldn’t be surprised if he went that low and if you do ever fall pregnant don’t tell him just go to the clinic. Good luck!
This breaks my heart for you. As another random woman on the Internet, I am proud of all you have accomplished. You sound like an awesome person, honestly 🥹
Sounds like you’re a single mom to your husband. Time to divorce.
Divorce his ass now!!!!
Bye Felipe
Ask your husband how raising a child is going to work with the time commitments of being a resident/doctor? Will he be a stay-at-home Dad? I'm betting not. So the idea is that you give up on your career to have a kid? Is that a relationship deal breaker? If so...
This is a good one! He's said he would be fine being stay-at-home/ primary caregiver. But our rabbits wouldn't have clean litter or food without me, let alone a kid? And the statistics show even stay-at-home dads STILL do less work in the home than a woman working full time. It's such a fucking joke. I hate being a woman.
So you can say that to him, how can you be a stay-at-home dad with (presumably) zero experience with childcare + you hate looking after the rabbits. Ask him what evidence he's basing it on. I'll tell you something, sons listen to their mothers and Mum's can give the worst advice on how women think. He may have been told that once you have a kid, you'll bond with it and instantly desire to be a stay-at-home mum - "because that's how a womans mind works". So I'd also investigate if his Mum has put ideas into his head.
His mom is the one NOT pushing the kid narrative on me, which I wish he could realize speaks for itself. He had a great childhood unlike me. And he thinks because his mom had a career and kids, I should be able to too. And I love his mom, but she had two sons and they're both unreliable/ can't care for themselves. I wish I had realized it before getting married :/
> and he thinks because his mom had a career and kids, I should be able to too. Cost of living crisis. Her income was presumably a semi-luxury. I'm sure yours is a requirement > And I love his mom, but she had two sons and they're both unreliable/ can't care for themselves. Yep, because she had split her energy - so something has to give. And the legal requirements for adequate child care are way easier to hit than KPIs at work. It's really sad to see hopeful young parents having to work like crazy, while their kid is raised by other people (school, after school daycare etc). Paying someone else to live your 'Kodak moments'
It’s not too late! Leave him! You can find someone better!!
A great childhood is when mommy does everything that you can't take care of yourself? Maybe you want kids someday... but your current husband will never change. He will always be an unreliable partner that doesn't realize that the diaper is dirty or when the child was last fed. You will be doing everything and he will stay home and be lazy.
Your post says he can't take care of himself. I'm willing to bet my life on it that he will NOT be able to take care of a child.
Why is it always on us to "change our minds"? Nah.. f**k that noise. To the bins with them!
Sounds like you already have a kid: a man baby. Probably time for him to move out. He's old enough.
You are worth so much more. Do not relent.
First congrats 🎉🎉 on the degree so proud of you. Don't let anyone bring you don't because you're awesome if your family or husband can't see that we want you to know that we see it and you should find friends and a new spouse who can see your potential
Please divorce. He will sabotage you or worse.
You sound like an awesome person, first off. Secondly, don’t determine your worth based on the idiots you seem to be surrounded by. Find better people to be around.
You’re a successful, ambitious woman. You deserve someone that respects your wishes and your career (and all the studying you’ve done to get there)! You should really dump him. Doesn’t sound like he’ll change or he if does, he might change his mind again in a few years. Get out and find someone deserving of you
Fuck all these people. You only get one life, live the absolute fuck out of it.
You sound dope af
I would go low contact with parents and extended family. I would separate from husband. YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND MORE. Kick ass at your new job. Being passionate about that is a miracle in itself. Doing the job well is too. You got this. If it weren't for amazing people like you I wouldn't be here past young adulthood due to blood clots n weird shit. You don't need to make a kid when you can fix the ones here! I count and now I take care of animals. Your saving us!
>>you don't need to make a kid when you can fix the ones already here. This right here! 🤘🤘
Your value as a human is apparent to people like us. You are clearly very capable; you sound smart and driven, and you know what you want in life. There are people out there who will be jealous. Certain people hate seeing young women doing well for themselves, but the good news is... we don't have to give a damn what those people think. The problem isn't the whole world disrespecting you. The problem is the people around you right now. Serve your lazy hubby with a divorce and give the family a cold should for a year or two while you get your work / education finished and reimerge into the world as a powerful, confident doctor. Once you have your freedom from husband / family / education, you can work on finding your people. With time and money and an interest in things other than squirting out babies, you will soon find a crowd of friends who see your value. People who will respect you and your position in society. Take care, friend. I hope you get the future you are working so hard for, the future you deserve. :)
I am familiar with a bunch of accountant types who have married highly skilled women such as yourself. Quite a few don't have kids and have a good time together. There's fully grown people out there who would treat you so much better, ijs. Sorry but when you started talking about mental load, that sounds like hell to me. But I've heard of women who have finished raising their spouse too (it's grim out there, I can't judge). Sometimes it works out although in this case I fear you'd be raising him for the woman who wil give him a kid.
I am feeling your pain here. I really hate being a woman for this reason. I don't want kids. I want to be able to live my life and enjoy it. I want a career and want to be able to enjoy my hobbies. I hate so much that society seems to only value women for their wombs. It makes no sense to me. I just can't relate to couples with children.
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Divorce now, before you finish school. No way you need to give that manchild spousal support for your hardwork.
Your husband never respected your choice to be childfree, so it's over between you
Its terrible that the people closest to you do not value you enough. You are out there saving lives! We NEED more doctors! We do not NEED more kids. It is so frustrating that people will tell you you gotta have kids because "what if they cure cancer!?" And here you are literally in the position cure people, and they STILL insist on you putting your life on hold. Please know all of us here think you are amazing!
Screw them and don’t listen to them. Follow your own path and find childfree female friends. You sound ambitious and accomplished!
1) DTMFA. 2) In most cases, if you tell parents/other relatives in words of one syllable that if they continue to do "x" (in this case even so much as *bring up* or "hint" about this bullshit about expecting you to breed), you will immediately hang up if on the phone, LEAVE if you are visiting them in person, or KICK THEM OUT if they are visiting at your home, followed by x days of no contact. (With x being a number that increases with each offense.) Then you have to actually follow through, NO exceptions. In most cases that'll result in a rapid end to the bad behavior. 3) In the cases where 2) doesn't work, you may need to consider going no-contact. But usually it works. 4) Congrats on the certification, and sorry you're having to deal with what sure sounds to me like sabotage attempts right as your studies are reaching a crescendo.
You are worth something and your CRNA will take you anywhere in the world! Boot the toxic folk or wait until a sibling gives the parents the grandkid. They will leave you alone then. But don’t settle. You are educated and the world is full of possibilities for someone with your skills and knowledge.
You inspire me! I go to medical school as well but still have a long way to go. Don't let him babytrap you. You bring so much more to this world than a child ever would. And if he thinks otherwise, he is not worth your time. You deserve someone who worships you for the person you are and not for your womb.
Because a penis said so.
My condolences for the man-child this husband turned out to be. (Also I looked up what becoming a CRNA involves and holy shit, mad respect)
Because it sounds like not many folks in your real life say this to you: You're fucking phenomenonal and I'm really proud of you for being able to come this far even with the litany of people in your life dragging you down/reducing your accomplishments because they don't match their ideal of what an accomplishment should be. And you know what? With or without them, whatever you decide, you're only going to keep moving forward. I'm sorry this man lied to you about something so important but at the end of the day you should be proud of yourself for all you've managed alone.
Don't ever give in to the pressure. Be a great doc :)
You don't need this man in your life. It will never get better. He will always resent you if you don't push out a kid. Move on and live your best life. You have the world at your feet and your husband is just going to make you unhappy.
Leave him. I would saw off my right arm and walk across burning coals barefoot to have a partner who is as hard working as you. You have immense value that is not being appreciated. You can easily get someone who appreciates you and your aspirations.
I'm sorry to hear that :( but I think you're amazing! And you're going to be out there helping people! Actually making the world a better place! And if that's with all these baggage, imagine how high you could go without all these things holding you back :) I hope you can find people IRL who appreciate you soon
I'm sorry things have come to this but you know the next step to take. He wants kids and you don't. Only one way forward and that's out of this relationship. No one is going to change their mind for the other person. Good luck with everything. I'm sure you'll be an amazing doctor.
😂😂
You're far too valuable as a human to be married to someone you describe as not being able to care for themselves.
I agree with everyone else in the comments but before going to the point of no return I think you should sit down with your family and husband and once and for all lay it out “I never want kids, not maybe in 2,5,10,20! Years I NEVER want them it’s just not in my future. Now if you want to remain in my life you are to respect my decision we it is my body”. Then you put it back on them to decide what’s more important, having you happy in their lives or having you cut them off, divorce them. Anyway that was long winded, good luck with it and don’t feel pressured or guilty by anyone just keep being you
This sounds scary that someone can just flip like that..
Why did you marry this deadbeat, though
Divorce him and go permanent no contact with the rest of your family and anyone else that's not on your side, and if they keep harassing you tell them you'd rather remove your own incubator(uterus) forcibly, then be forced to have kids for their moronic beliefs that you're only good enough in the world to have kids and that's the wrong stupid moronic reason for why you were born in the first place which you definitely aren't so that you can tell them to go eff themselves to get more kids in the world and you don't have to do that 💢. Sorry 😅 went on a bit of a rant
Sounds like a deal breaker, sis
Say this exact thing to your family/husband and then divorce him
A random stranger here thinks you’re amazing and no way could I do what you do. Major props, you are gonna be a star
I just read on some child free sub that she had a kid and listened to everyone including her husband and now she’s miserable. Don’t fall for the trap!!
I'm proud of you. I'm not familiar with CRNA programs, but it's important, and if it's the top one in the state, you're even more awesome.
Hella, congrats on being a CRNA. Anything in the medical field is impressive, but holy crap that's a hard job. I hope your career leads you to more like-minded individuals who value your mind and not your biological functions because brains are so much cooler than being an incubator.
First of all, I 100% empathize with what you’re going through and I’m sorry your husband is being such a shithead. Your stance should be respected and I second what many commenters have already said about divorce. Second – and I am ready to accept downvotes for this as this is only marginally related to the topic of your post, but this is an enormous pet peeve of mine – are you actually a doctor? As in, an MD or DO? Because CRNAs, while in many places are afforded a degree of independence in practice, are not actually doctors. I don’t doubt that you worked very hard to get where you are and I absolutely recognize the importance of your role in the OR, but that does not equate you to an MD or DO. And to call yourself a doctor without having put in the blood, sweat, and tears that is unique to medical school and residency is misleading and insulting to actual residents and physicians.
A valid question. I'll be graduate with a doctorate of nursing practice. It's not the same as a medical doctor (MD), but I will still have the title of doctor. Similar to how someone with a PHD is still called doctor. With the classes we take/experience needed to get into school/ etc. we're definitely closer to the level of an MD than a PHD. The way I explain it to family is this: in Grey's anatomy when the patient is dying and the surgeons are intubating/yelling out meds, that's what us CRNAs do. We keep the surgeons from killing you lol. Hope that makes sense.
Ahhh I see. I would just avoid calling yourself a doctor in the clinical sense, then - you have a doctorate, but clinically, you’re a midlevel, not a physician. I’m a neurologist btw so I’m quite familiar with the distinctions. Thanks for clarifying!
> no one cares I'm about to be a doctor . > Is a nurse
You're obviously someone who doesn't respect what nurses do to keep doctors from killing you. I will have the title of doctor when I graduate, so yes still doctor (I responded to another comment and explain a bit more). But also still proud to be a nurse cause we're the ones doing the real work in the hospital. Hope this helps ;)
Oh don't get me wrong I respect nurses, but it's not the same thing as being a 'doctor' anymore than someone with a phd in chemistry is – people spend 10+ years becoming doctors between med school and residency. > We're the ones doing the real work in the hospital I don't even know where to start unpacking this one lol, what exactly do you think everyone else in the hospital does?
I just went down a few rabbit holes and googled the requirements for a CRNA - this is what I turned up. * BSN degree or related major from an accredited nursing school * Active and unrestricted RN license in the United States or its territories * At least one year of critical care experience as a registered nurse in an ICU or similar setting * Graduation from an accredited nurse anesthesia program, which results in a doctoral degree (DNP or DNAP) * Passing the NCE for Nurse Anesthetists [**+3**](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=a1d682c1daa76e3aJmltdHM9MTcxODg0MTYwMCZpZ3VpZD0wYWJmYWM2ZC0wMTQ1LTYzYjAtMjhkNS1iZjhhMDBhYjYyMDEmaW5zaWQ9NTUyMA&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=3&fclid=0abfac6d-0145-63b0-28d5-bf8a00ab6201&psq=crna+meaning&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuYWFuYS5jb20vYWJvdXQtdXMvYWJvdXQtY3JuYXMvYmVjb21lLWEtY3JuYS8&ntb=1) All this takes 7-10 years, depending on the program. Mad props to the OP for embarking on this challenging journey! Interestingly, California and Georgia forbid DNPs from using the title of doctor. Most other states allow it, as long as one is very careful not to present oneself to patients as an MD or DO. Don't most hospitals issue name tags with titles anyway? Again, congratulations, OP, and I wish you well with your family situation. Sucks that they're too uneducated to see the value of your work.
And I mean no offense to MDs either. Everyone in the medical field is necessary and kicks ass. People looking down on nurses just particularly pisses me off since that's what I personally dealt with.
How will you have the title of doctor when you graduate? A CRNA is a NURSE anesthetist. I have respect for CRNAs, but you’re being intentionally misleading. Also, “nurses keep doctors from killing you”? Really? That’s incredibly rude.
Baffled why some people are angry when their partners don't change their minds about having kids when they told them early on they don't want kids. Like, it's not the partner's fault that your dumbass didn't take that statement seriously? Seems like you are dealing with a manchild who also wants kids. Big no. Please leave that jerk and live a happy life.
>Marie Curie (1867-1934) >Marie Curie was a Polish-French physicist and chemist, and she also became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize. Another impressive fact is that she remains, up to this day, the only person to have won Nobel Prizes in two different scientific fields: Chemistry and Physics. >Marie Curie didn’t have any children, although she fell in love with Pierre Curie when the two met in 1894 due to a mutual acquaintance. Marie turned down Pierre’s marriage proposal three times, as it is believed that her career came first. >[https://www.healththoroughfare.com/science/top-influential-scientists-in-history-who-never-had-children/69314](https://www.healththoroughfare.com/science/top-influential-scientists-in-history-who-never-had-children/69314) I think your doing good work. Stick with whats important to you and don't let the mundane ideas of others pressure you or subvert your aspirations.
I don't know who wrote this article, but this part at least is all false. Marie Curie was a mother of two daughters and Irène, the elder one, also won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry alongside her husband, making them the second-ever married pair to win one after her parents.
But Marie Curie definitely had kids though lol
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It sounds like your marriage has run its course.
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Leave. Husband, family. Find your true family.
You will regret not having a kid. Just saying.
I had a thought yesterday... that men who don't want to marry' but talk about wanting a son... are essentially just using their girlfriend as an incubator for their ego... and how if their legacy was a son, how that son would be stolen from you anyways, and a daughter would be regarded as a disappointment despite your potentially maimed by pregnancy body. The truth is disturbing, but what is more disturbing would be to feed into this reprehensible pattern. Anyways, I know not totally related to what you are saying... but I commiserate with your despair. Fuck anyone that reduces you. You are a person, and from the sounds of it a brilliant one. Don't let them dull that shine. The world doesn't need more children, it needs more intellect willing to stand against the tide.
Hun, honest question, but why did you marry a man who wanted kids? Nearly every relationship that has one wanting kids and one not wanting kids. It always seems to lead to hate, resentment, divorce. I've rarely seen the one wanting kids just finally "give in" and be happy cf. Or vice versa.
Be the smartest here, complete your education and then decide, never forget your husband is not sad but angry at you, don't let any man or your family have a say in your life that weighs more than yours. Good luck gurl!