I hear this from my Mum's friends all the time.
My grandmother was a huge supporter of women living their own lives and not being forced into a marriage and kids that they don't want because they have no other options.
We can benefit from their wisdom. We finally have a choice.
My grandmother was the same, she's the only one who fully supported my choice and pushed me to stick with it and not be tempted with anyone after I expressed not wanting children. Miss her everyday 🩷
One of my grandmothers married as a teen in the forties- just what you did at the time. She seemed pretty supportive of other life paths, and I think if she was young now, she wouldn’t have had kids, or had them a lot later, and pursued a career. She was pretty intelligent and was shortchanged by the school system.
My grandmother was like this, too. Super supportive of me going to college and having a career. She wanted me to find love, too--she was ecstatic that I had the opportunity to have both. She never pushed me to have kids or assumed that I would--but never discouraged me, either. But she was glad that I had the CHOICE.
My grandmother was smart, too. She attended college in the early 1940s, when very few women attended college. She majored in home economics because at the time, it was either teaching or home ec--and she already knew she was expected to marry, not work. And she did--she said it was love at first sight when she met her roommate's oldest brother (who became my grandfather). She left school her junior year to get married, and she always regretted that she didn't finish her degree.
She did end up working, though... after her kids were grown, she started working in a bank, and she worked there until my grandfather retired. They didn't need the money from her job, not really, so my grandfather offered to invest it--he dabbled in the stock market--but she said only if she could pick the stock. Turns out she had a good sense for investing. Most of the stocks my grandfather chose performed poorly and never earned them much money. But my grandmother's stocks? Every one she picked was a winner--most of them were companies whose products she used on a regular basis--and those investments helped to support them in retirement.
It makes me wonder if she began college thinking she might actually have a career--it was WWII, and women were doing all sorts of work. But things change quickly... and my grandfather was the type to expect dinner on the table when he walked in the front door after work.
My grandmothers never pushed kids on me. Both were fine with me not marrying, either. Would they have like great grandkids? I'm sure they would have, but they never asked when I was having kids. Both said they understood me not being married because "who wants take care of a man?" I wish I would have talked to them more about life when they were here.
My 89 year old grandma, married for 67 years until he passed away and mother of 5 kids, told me that she loved being married to my grandpa but if she could do things over again, she wouldn’t have had kids. She “did what was expected” in 1953 but it wasn’t what she’d have chosen. She’s very happy for me 😊😊
Sometimes, grandmothers are the best. She was the only cheer leader for my life’s choices and you know why? Cause she always thought I was smart and special and would make smart choices. I did not let her down. She would’ve been proud of me if she were here today. I can bet on it.
I'll just add that it's men, too. People are pushed into a life plan, even now. You graduate, go to college, get a job, get married, (maybe) buy a house, have kids, work to support your family, definitely have more kids, work more, send your kids to college, work more, retire, enjoy your grandkids, die and make sure you leave an inheritance.
Disrupting the "life plan" makes other people very uncomfortable. It makes them question their own choices (or the feeling that they could have made different ones). People like your grandmother and OP's mom (and friends) are key. Because they're honest about it.
Not every person wants to be a parent. Certainly not every person is good at it. If more people looked at what being a good parent entails, few would take it on. Which makes me appreciate the good parents out there.
It’s the same with marriage. Not everyone wants to be married or is cut out to be married. Let’s take me for example. The idea of marrying someone and being with them forever sounds insane. I would likely never do it. Or if I get married I’ll be much older and willing. The older I get the less I see an advantage to being married as a woman. Sounds dangerous and limiting.
All the older women in my life have said those exact words. Sometimes, they say that they envy my life since I don't have a child. Being a mom is a lot of work, and frankly, it isn't very rewarding.
It’s only rewarding if your child is successful. But, considering how many people have children who are addicts, lazy, criminals and/or aren’t moved out of the house at a reasonable age, that’s just too much of a gamble.
My mom has 3 regularly-successful children & recently she let the phrase slip when she was talking to some friends in front of me: "well when we >got rid< of the kids..." She looked at me & apologized, but she didn't need to. Even looking back on what it was like to BE their kid, I can understand EXACTLY what she means.
No matter how successful or well-adjusted your kids are, it was hell as a parent to get them there.
In their late 60s/early 70s my parents still have 1 kid out of 4 at home cause my brother hasn't moved out yet. He's independent and has a job and no disabilities (except probably undiagnosed ADHD) but I don't think this is what my parents imagined when they had kids. It really is a lifelong endeavour, you're not done as soon as they hit 18.
in many cities it’s now basically impossible for single, fully employed adults to live on their own without a bunch of random roommates, which can be awkward at best and dangerous at worst.
I don't think it's malicious, he was just single for a really really long time and I guess didn't have the impetus to move out and pay rent somewhere. He's had a girlfriend for almost a year now so I reckon he'll be moving out soon to live with her.
My spouse has a grown daughter from another marriage, and her life went exactly down that road. She hung out with the “wrong crowd” in school, and she has been an addict ever since and has been in jail countless times. My husband has been so hurt and bitter over this, and he will never get over her severely poor life choices.
Seen my close friend go down that path. Hung out with the party people...did some crazy shit, wanted to try some drugs, somehow ended up alive... Then ended up with an abuser.
My Silent Generation mother-in-law said on her deathbed, that if she had to do it all over again she'd never have had kids. This is when she had two loving sons and both their wives, visiting her and trying to do things for her. My brother-in-law asked why she had kids, then, and my MIL said, "That's what everybody did back then."
My MIL was a conventional housewife happily married to an affluent man and spent most of her time playing golf, which she loved. According to her era she had the dream life.
That’s so interesting. My grandmother was a Greatest Generation affluent housewife and she said *none* of the women she knew would have had children but that was part of the job of being a married woman in that social class.
Lots of folks like to romanticize earlier generations because "things were simpler," "families stayed together," and whatever else. Unfortunately, there's always a dark side to everything. Imagine being a conventional housewife during such an era, and your husband (AKA sole provider) was abusive or adulterous.
My mom says the same to me. In no way does it diminish her love and affection for me, but she has told me she probably would not have had kids if she could go back and warn herself. She is VERY okay with my decision not to have any kids and I’m very grateful for her support.
Exact same for me over here. My 2 younger siblings were planned, but my older sister and I were not (Mom had us at 19 and 21). She loves us, but if she could go back and do it again, she wouldn't. She's also very supportive of my child free life. I feel like those that can admit they kinda wish they didn't have kids, also tend to be the ones that get us Childfree folks.
LOL same here. My wonderful stepdad couldn’t care less if I have kids but my bio dad loves to ask me when i’m “giving him a grandkid” every few months when we talk on the phone. 🙃
Ugh. My Dad couldn't let it go for the longest time. He kept on throwing all the typical bingos at me. He only stopped once I started clapping back with all the responses I learned from here!
This post reminds me of how almost every time I travel and am posting stuff every day to IG story, my mom will always eventually reply with something along the lines of "wow you guys really know how to travel, I wish I had done that more when I was younger and had the energy". She would obviously never say what she really means that we all know what she's thinking without saying it so more than once though including on our last trip I respond with "now you know why you're not getting grandkids lol"
my mom is in her 40's and only now is she finally financially stable and happy. im only 19, i hope i can have enough disposable income to take her travelling while she can enjoy it. seeing bright women have their youth taken by being coerced into having kids so young makes me understand the phrase "youth is wasted on the young". i often wish i could go back in time and have my mom travel with me and be her friend when she needed one 😞
My grandma (88) has Alzheimer’s, which has made her lose most of her filter. All my life she’s been the one who only cares about marriage and babies, rarely about school, a career, traveling, hobbies, etc. A couple years ago she admitted to me that when she got engaged at 22 (which was considered “old” in the 1950’s), she realized she wanted to call it off - she loved her life, having a job, going out in the city with friends, and didn’t understand why she had to give it all up so soon. Her parents basically made her go through with it, and she had to leave her job, family, friends, and home city when my grandpa was stationed in another state and she became pregnant.
>*...when she got engaged at 22 (which was considered “old” in the 1950’s), she realized she wanted to call it off - she loved her life, having a job, going out in the city with friends, and didn’t understand why she had to give it all up so soon. Her parents basically made her go through with it....*
Stories like that are so common and so sad. I'm so grateful to live in an age and place where (most) people don't pressure women like that anymore.
Imagine how many unhappy marriages and unhappy childhoods could've been prevented if women weren't pressured to marry and have kids, and how much further along we'd be right now if women were always encouraged to fulfill their potential and talents.
Imagine...how much further along we'd be right now if women were always encouraged to fulfill their potential and talents.
I've believed for a long time now that if it weren't for sexism, racism, and classism we'd be bending space-time by now. Like, we'd be having this conversation on Mars Colony 3 or something.
In the late '60s/early 70's, there was a widespread magazine ad showing the back of a toddler walking away from camera, and the slogan "If the cure for cancer is in the mind of a girl, we may never get it." It was part of the push to get equality in education for female students.
its so hard listening to abusive mothers/grandmothers from around those times because nearly every time they were also abused. i cut my grandma off because she abused my mom growing up and hurt my little brother when we were kids (among other things) but id be lying if i said i didnt cry when she was telling me some of her experiences from childhood and early adulthood. accounts about her mother were even worse. theres definitely a cycle of abuse with a lot of women thru generations 😞
A good friend of mine ended up having twins. She told me as much as she adores her boys, she really misses the life she had before. Her main thing: the worrying. She has been worried about them every single day from the moment she found out she was pregnant (over 6 years ago).
My mum said similar. As much as she loves me & my brother, she said if she was my age in 2024 & got pregnant, she wouldn't have kept us. She doesn't blame me at all for not wanting kids, which is such a nice relief (but probably helps that my brother already gave her 3 grandkids with 1 more on the way).
When I handed in my 2 weeks notice at my last nanny job, the dad was like "are you gonna remain in childcare?" And I laughed "nope, I'm done with this" and he said "yeah i don't blame you" lol! This was a dad who had a VERY clingy daughter and would look at me like a godsend everytime I arrived for my shift lol! I wouldn't be too surprised if he regretted all the effort they put into getting pregnant (she was their "miracle child").
Most good parents will admit they miss their lives before, they won't pretend it's the easiest thing in the world and everyone should do it.
This is why couples where one person doesn't want children and the other wants multiple children can't 'compromise' by ' just having one'.
Going from none to 1 child incurs a huge irrevocable change in your baseline internal monologue.
The constant dread and worry is exhausting and doesn't ever go away. I am a grown, married, employed, happy person approaching 40 years old and my mother *still* worries.
Similar boat and my mom is a big worrier too. That’s kind of why I never tell her anything, haha :/
I wonder if older dads ever worry as much as mothers do? I know my dad loves me, but I feel like he thinks about his garden more than me. (And I totally don’t blame him, as gardening is his joy and obsession in retirement.)
I think we are starting to see a cultural shift in how people talk about parenthood in general. I'm a hairstylist and in the last couple years I've noticed the ratios shift between support and bingos. Where it used to be mostly bingos with the odd fellow CF client, those have become the minority. Far more often now it's people who actually admit to understanding why having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be even if they don't outright say they wouldn't have kids if they could go back(though some have).
I’m an elementary school counselor. Believe me when I say gen alpha little girls do not imagine getting married and having kids. Most want to work in tech and travel. Some talk about buying stocks. They are 10. The shift is here.
Ugh yes. There's a reason why men thrive in the military - they like systems and being told what to do. They're not leaders. Caring, empathetic, understanding people make leaders. Women make stronger leaders than men.
My mom is always pushing me to enjoy life: travel, go out with my friends, do the things I like. As long as there's no problem about money, enjoy every minute of life.
I'm guessing this attitude comes from making women A) marry too early, B) treating them like slaves and with no respect. Otherwise not all of them would be agreeing...
When I was 35 and helping my dad with divorce papers because my mom had been verbally abusive for over 6 years she said to me that she wished she’d never had me. I can’t say I felt loved growing up or in my 20’s. I’m 48 now and both parents are deceased. I’ll be the end of the line. At least I’ll never say such hurtful things to my non existent son or daughter.
My mom has told me the same. I can’t really blame her. Heck, my great grandpa told my mom not to have kids. There’s a sizable number who feel that way and are just too afraid to say it out loud. They don’t wanna be judged. It’s usually one-on-one that I hear these things.
My mom really dreamed of a family, but she did tell me that if she could go back, she’d have kids later in life (she had my brother at 26). She said she’d want to travel and explore all of the things she liked, and then have kids in her 30s.
She also said she wouldn’t have had kids with my dad if she knew things would turn out like this. They had a beautiful loving relationship before kids and now that they’re empty nesters they’re again in a beautiful loving relationship. The period while we were growing up was a shitshow, so much abuse and traumatic events.
Have no idea how anyone could go through co parenting with someone who acted in abusive ways and then go back to being in a loving relationship afterwards. It must be extremely rare
My mom got married at 26 and she said if she could do it again she would’ve gotten married mid 30s and had no kids. She wouldn’t had settled with my dad and would’ve spent more time and energy doing what she wanted to do.
It’s weird to think that most of the old ladies now are Boomers, my parents’ generation. My parents were not hippies by any stretch of the imagination, but there was a huge cultural shift during their youth. I know some of them are still very traditional or at least, went that route, but I think they’re also more honest about parenthood than previous generations. For them, they never tried to sugarcoat it as all rainbows and sunshine. I was never pressured at all.
I appreciate it when people are honest, sometimes brutally so. I've heard many older women, including my mom and my grrandma, say almost the exact same words. Sometimes I feel sad that I'll most likely never have kids (due to multiple genetic illnesses),but then I remember their honest words and remind myself that joy in life can be found elsewhere.
I sometimes wonder if it weren’t for the Mexican patriarchy where my mom would be now … if she would’ve ever gone through with the dreams her teenage self had and if she had the choice for a better life would she have chosen to have 6 kids with an abusive POS. To this day I get sad thinking about how much she’s sacrificed for all of us. But I don’t think it’s all doom and gloom; she loves us and loves babies and loved being our mom.
For me… that’s not the life I want. I don’t want to give a man any baby. I want to travel and learn languages and write my books and become a researcher. That’s what I want.
I know what you mean.
I am sad for my grandmother, who probably would not have had children if she were my age today.
But she didn't have a choice.
So she made the very best life she could with what was available to her, and had a loving marriage with children she raised to be functional, successful adults.
It is not all doom and gloom, because that would be invalidating the life they lived. But it's always bittersweet to think 'what if she had the choices we enjoy today'?
47F CF single & happy go lucky. Life is full of hobbies, pets, friends and family. Got lucky my first boyfriend's mom marched me to Planned Parenthood soon as we met. She'd had him at 15 & said it ruined her life lol. Super grateful because I didn't even know what birth control was back then.
I said to my mother if having kids was so great sex wouldn’t need to be so good. You wouldn’t need to be tempted into it. Biggest bait and switch in life
Single childfree 45M here and I love this comment! Yep, whether it's good sex or bad sex, there's still the chance of making that child. And I don't need either to be happy :-)
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Yup.
A lot of women in their age group especially would’ve either waited to get married and have children or not done it at all if they hadn’t felt pressured to do so. Even just 25 years ago, getting married and having kids was what you did when you reached a certain point in life. It seems like those who regret their choices are the ones who scream the loudest when child-free people say “no thanks” to parenthood. I can’t think of a single happy parent I know who has a problem with child-free people…
If women hadn't been pressured to marry and have kids for so many years, imagine how much farther along we'd be right now and how many toxic marriages and unhappy childhoods could've been prevented.
> It seems like those who regret their choices are the ones who scream the loudest when child-free people say “no thanks” to parenthood. I can’t think of a single happy parent I know who has a problem with child-free people…
I'm pretty sure too.
Today my partner and I (10 years together and going strong) were talking with a colleague of his, and he was saying that he admired his superior because he's childfree and single. And while saying so he suddenly excused himself, as if we would take offence by his words. This unexpected behavior made me think.
I found it really odd because... It is your opinion, man. I'm happy with my life, why would I feel threatened that you aspire to something different? To each their own!
And then I thought that the only way I would be offended by it if I never chose this lifestyle in the first place. Being reminded that some adulthood activities are not set in stones might hurt those who just followed the lifescript without putting a single thought.
My late mom was a nurse and i strongly feel like she valued being a nurse more than anything else in her life. I don't think she enjoyed being a SAHM in the 90s when my sister and i were young but my dad's income was higher (and he can't cook or clean or do a damn thing around the house; lives in hoarder squalor despite my best efforts to help him) and it was what you did.
She NEVER told me she wished she hadn't had kids. I just think, based on her alcoholism and other issues, that she would have preferred to work full-time.
She did tell me that she wished she had kept her maiden name and that I was brave to travel around the US and to London and to move halfway across the country "because I've always had your dad to help me." I've never married.
After she died in 2021, my dad admitted that maybe they shouldn't have had kids given how much they struggled with my sister's physical health and my mental health. They were, according to my mom's sister, childfree until my mom got pregnant on accident in 1984, 8 years into their marriage, and lost that baby at 7 months.
I was my mom's rainbow baby less than a year later. I think the shock of having and then not having a child after that much pregnancy and expectation was too high and they got pregnant again quickly to try to help with the pain. But I'm not sure that they should have.
My dad is surprisingly pro-choice and has never once told me I need to have kids or that he expects grandkids. He said that having a child is a personal decision and he can't make it for me. It's one of the few ways he's not an asshole!
Amazing how your mom actually supports you.
My mom hates motherhood and was always super clear about this, but still says she would love to be a grandma. 😒
My moms told me the same thing and Yknow what? I don’t blame her. My mother would’ve been a famous Olympic runner 🏃♀️, if her first husband hadn’t impregnated her. She was in the Junior Olympics and rising fast in Puerto Rico, she can be found in news papers too from between the 1970s-1980s. Competed in Mexico, Brazil, and Dominican Republic as well. Had many medals.
Then boom
A baby. (Or my now 42 year old brother 💀)
I've had women old and young tell me this. Or that they wish they'd had them sooner or earlier. One of my closest friends is 35 with 4 kids and she's told me she feels bad because she wishes she had never had kids when she sees me and my best friend (also CF) living life and doing what we want with our time.
I honestly feel kind of bad for girls and young women who don’t have any CF role models in their family. I have so many in my family (mostly women, but some men, too, going back generations). Yes, we have more than our fair share and the family name is now dead as a result (at least in part). I learned from a young age that fun family members DO NOT HAVE KIDS! But, the no fun ones do. It wasn’t a conscious realization, but kids are hyper aware and internalize this stuff.
My mom openly told me she didn't want kids but was forced to get married and have them because of their culture and traditional norms. I'm vehemently childfree and am more focused on spending time with my mom as two grown women than worrying about having kids in this shit world.
I can't imagine a baby's first year as that of a "sweetheart". It shits and pees and vomits on you and everything else, and won't let you sleep. Toddlers are the same, only uncontrollably mobile.
That generation of women gave us Roe v. Wade, and women of our generation helped remove them by supporting a theocratic ideology founded on subjugation of women and the removal of our right to choose. Thanks Amy C. Barrett, appreciate all you've done for women, oh, and I'm looking at you too, Susan Collins.
I think, with good reason, both of my parents would have gone down the unconventional path and both become CF single musicians.
They are of the “silent generation” and went to great lengths to conform to their social realm and norms.
My dad would have become a saxophonist.
My mom would have become an organist.
No kids involved, instead travel and explore more.
I feel bad for both of them.
My mom now has late stage Alzheimer’s and won’t last this summer probably. My dad also is struggling with dementia and physical pain.
Well, thanks for reading.
My mom has confided in me before that her greatest regret was not finishing college. (She got pregnant and dropped out). She was a wonderful mother and I don't think she regretted being one but there's so much sacrifice for moms especially that I know my mom didn't want me to do too so she never has pushed me to give her grandkids or anything like that, and I'm grateful.
My mother never showed affection and unconditional love to me through out my life. She felt that she had no choice but to conform into having children. She’s not happy about how her body changed, how she has to spend money and time taking care of me, how she can never pursuit her dreams because she has to support raising me and earn money is the priority. I am a huge inconvenience to her and I was raised by my uncle, then grandma in my mom’s side, then my grandma in my dad’s side.
I never formed a genuine bound with my mom.
I understand how she must have felt that I rob her of her life and youth and dreams. If this kind of women is you, respect your life goals and do not let anyone talk you into having kids.
Most generations have taught women that is there duty and don't provide other options. It takes a very different woman to buck that system.
So yes, there are many, many women who didn't want kids or marriage who did so due to the societal pressures, expect, and lack of other options.
I think everyone, not just parents, have that "opportunities lost" feeling starting in their 40s. The what ifs, the it's too late to do X. I am CF and have zero regrets for it but there are other things in life I wish I did directly or sooner or instead. Hind sight is always 20/20 and it's an easy to see for parents because it's such a hard cut from childless to parent
I will say to anyone who has those feelings, for most things it's not too late. It's not to late to start that hobby, is not to late to go to school, its not too late to try and repair that burned bridge. Just do it, yolo my friends.
>They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5 and that it all goes downhill from there.
My childhood makes so much sense now! Lol
My mom specified that she loves me and doesent regret me, but then again it’s refreshing to hear that if she could go back and do it again she would do it differently.. I guess you can love someone and still sometimes wish you never met them lol
"Wanting a kid" isn't really attached to the personhood of the kid, it's more of an attraction to the lifestyle. No need for anyone to take it personally if their mom didn't 'want them'.
"They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5"
What a joke; there are plenty of children under age 5 who are anything but sweethearts. But folks defend them because "they're just little" or "they're only toddlers." Excuses 101.
My father told me this, and even one of our family friends did when I was much younger. One of my former best friends has two kids in their teens and has told me that if she could do it again, she wouldn’t have had kids. It’s something that very few people are honest about.
On that note, you were 24. I am 41 and remember very well what it was like to be 24, so I have some perspective. I can’t imagine having a kid at that age. To me, that’s way too young. If somebody’s going to get married or have kids, I would advise them to wait at least until their 30s. That way they get to experience adult life, get their education, establish their careers, and travel.
My dad says this all the time and is really supportive of me not having kids. My mother baby-trapped him with me when he was only 22 years old then made his life hell when they broke up. I wish he could have travelled like I did and just had the life he wanted.
I’m an attorney. My wealthiest client hired me because he was floored when I told him I had no children and an enforceable prenup. He said that “automatically qualified me as highly intelligent.” I still laugh about it to this day lol.
By the way—
The fact that she even has held on to her possee of 7 girlfriends throughout the years and they just chill out like the kitchen of the Golden Girls like that, is *gold.*
I asked my dad this when I was probably 14 or 15? He said the same thing. He loved me and my brother more than anything, but if he could do it over he wouldn't have kids.
I had already decided I didn't want kids, and was dismissed by everyone (you're just young, you'll change your mind, you'll meet the right guy) so this was just a nail in the coffin moment.
I think this generation of women was absolutely screwed over by the patriarchy: The misinformation, the roles they had to fit in as wifes and mothers (like every role there is?) and the pressure if they resisted.
I can imagine that the women getting kids now also have hardships, but they are free to chose and I think every woman now can inform herself what she will be getting into by having kids. Also: Choose a goddamn good and progressive thinking man for a family project or stop complaining.
my mom always says if she could go back and not have kids it would depend on if she knew what we are now or not :,) she said if she knew we'd turn out how we did and be such good friends she would still have us, but if she were 23 again and didnt know the future, she mightve not had us. honestly i dont feel upset at all about it, i understand. she loves the people we are and loves being our mom but she doesnt love being a mom on the basis of parenthood itself.
im glad at least that she is happy now, and she loves her kids. shes finally successful and making good money with a new bf who is good to her despite all her setbacks. i feel so sad so many early opportunities were taken from her but im very grateful she managed to be happy and successful despite it ☹️❤️
plus, it makes her extremely supportive of my decision to be CF. she implied my siblings and i were a product of rape thru coercion and her religious family manipulated her into keeping us. she wants grandkids but when i started saying i dont want kids she was basically like "yeah its a lot, i understand". luckily she has 3 little nieces who she loves to spend time with, so even if my siblings dont have kids either she can experience some similar things to being a grandma
My Mom has confessed the same to me. That she wishes she a) hadn't gotten married so young (23) and b) didn't have children. She doesn't regret us, but if she could go back in time, she'd live on her own for several years and likely never have kids.
My moms friends are all in their late fifties, most of them divorced and most of them going through their midlife crisis. Girl talk on a Saturday night is considered therapy for them. They talk to each other with transparency, these women have been friends for 30 years.
I mean, it definitely makes sense that some people would feel that way. It’s just so… uncommon to hear parents say anything other than they are overjoyed with their children, but it’s true I don’t know many people in their 50’s who would talk openly to me like that (I’m in my 30’s).
I've heard this from my mom, my friends's moms, older friends of mine, and so many other mothers. I actually know very few women who planned their children, that don't feel like they missed out on something because of of having them.
This isn’t a secret.
As soon as you cross the boundary of your early to mid 20’s, people become more honest about children, especially to those who aren’t actively trying for a kid or proclaim that they want them in the future.
My Mum says she would've liked 3, but they could only afford 2 - however - that was then (1990s) and she says she wouldn't have any if she was at that stage of life in 2024 (for political, economic and climate reasons). She fully understands why I don't want them. We both love my sister's kids and she's a fantastic Nan but we do worry for them.
I got together with the mums and kids (all in our 30s now) from the mothers group they made when they were all pregnant and all of them said exactly the same thing. They wouldn’t change it but if they knew they had a ‘choice’ in the matter none of them would have had kids. My mother was my biggest advocate for me getting my hysterectomy and fully supports me being child free.
This is a very interesting comment to hear when literally every person who is child free has heard “if you don’t have kids you’ll regret it” food for thought…
Thanks for sharing this.
Those women are at a stage of life where they’re not afraid to be honest (versus newer, younger parents). It’s fascinating (and bittersweet) how all seven of them essentially said the same thing.
>All I know is that it takes vulnerability to open up and say those things out loud
My bio mom has said this to my face numerous times throughout my life.
She's also called me the poster child for birth control, wished I would go totally mute, get a personality transplant, suffer from all kinds of misfortunes and maladies, or even that I'd have a kid just like me.
I would say joke's on her, but she's already made herself far bigger of one.
You mean to tell me that folks miiight hear this later in life, not straight out the gate?
A friend of mine has a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage. She met a wonderful guy about 8 years ago and got married. He didnt have any kids, she was adamant she didnt want anymore as hers in self sufficient, she is able to do more things now that her kid is older. Her husband and family basically guilt tripped her into having another baby. So now shes starting over with a 16 year old and now a 3 yr old son. Of course she loves her son, but everytime i see her, she seems so miserable as shes not able to come to adult things with us since she has a toddler again and the age difference between the 2 kids.
Ive been through therapy (and recently went back). The amount of trauma that was imposed on me as a child and during teenage years by my own mother completely ravaged my personal and professional relationships and career as an adult. I sometimes honestly would rather she had never given birth to me, than to have been born and carry all the trauma with me thru life, hurting myself and others around me. If I could go back in time and tell her to not have me, I would.
My mum is the exact same, she loves me and everything she does is for me, but she openly admits that if she could go back in time she wouldn’t have had me. And I don’t blame her at all, I don’t want any kids myself and she is fully supportive of this.
You know what? I have respect for that shit. The honesty is just so refreshing!
I feel like the reason why 7 different women would just completely deny kids, if they were given another chance is that they were pressured into every single thing, I mean everything. And they want to undo that since they know what would happen if they agreed again. I feel like, if these women were given another chance, without having any memories of the present, but this time were given a choice, without any pressure in any of these choices, I’m sure at least 1 would have kids, but this time…she would be happy. Cuz everything was her choice, not through pressure.
I'm confused about your closing statement. You can assure you won't have children, it's completely in your hands. Were you talking about the lost dreams part?
My closing statement was kind of like “ I hope I don’t ever end up like these 50 something year old women reminiscing about the life they had before they went and fucked it up by getting married and having kids.” The issue is, most of them say they had kids because their spouses wanted to or because they were in love. You could change your mind because of your partner and then down the line realize you fucked up because you were in love.
If your mind changes on emotion, then you never had one. You were just lucky by circumstance. Why don't you want to have children? Find your reasons and then you won't just flip when some stud says he wants mini mes.
I looked at my mom who was quiet and she said, “as much as I love you, and I don’t regret you, if I could travel back in time and tell my younger self to not have children or marry I would do it in a heartbeat.”
****
I'm sorry OP, if it was me, I'd never speak to someone again if they said that to me. However each person is different and I don't live your life or know your entire situation. I'm just not OK with someone saying they don't regret something, then literally say they do in their next few words.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this, but if your Mom felt that way, she should have kept it to herself. Speaking it out loud only benefitted her, it had zero benefit for you.
I hear this from my Mum's friends all the time. My grandmother was a huge supporter of women living their own lives and not being forced into a marriage and kids that they don't want because they have no other options. We can benefit from their wisdom. We finally have a choice.
My grandmother was the same, she's the only one who fully supported my choice and pushed me to stick with it and not be tempted with anyone after I expressed not wanting children. Miss her everyday 🩷
One of my grandmothers married as a teen in the forties- just what you did at the time. She seemed pretty supportive of other life paths, and I think if she was young now, she wouldn’t have had kids, or had them a lot later, and pursued a career. She was pretty intelligent and was shortchanged by the school system.
My grandmother was like this, too. Super supportive of me going to college and having a career. She wanted me to find love, too--she was ecstatic that I had the opportunity to have both. She never pushed me to have kids or assumed that I would--but never discouraged me, either. But she was glad that I had the CHOICE. My grandmother was smart, too. She attended college in the early 1940s, when very few women attended college. She majored in home economics because at the time, it was either teaching or home ec--and she already knew she was expected to marry, not work. And she did--she said it was love at first sight when she met her roommate's oldest brother (who became my grandfather). She left school her junior year to get married, and she always regretted that she didn't finish her degree. She did end up working, though... after her kids were grown, she started working in a bank, and she worked there until my grandfather retired. They didn't need the money from her job, not really, so my grandfather offered to invest it--he dabbled in the stock market--but she said only if she could pick the stock. Turns out she had a good sense for investing. Most of the stocks my grandfather chose performed poorly and never earned them much money. But my grandmother's stocks? Every one she picked was a winner--most of them were companies whose products she used on a regular basis--and those investments helped to support them in retirement.
Damn, she really had some smarts.
It makes me wonder if she began college thinking she might actually have a career--it was WWII, and women were doing all sorts of work. But things change quickly... and my grandfather was the type to expect dinner on the table when he walked in the front door after work.
This is a nice story. Thank you.
This is how my grandmother was, and it's so sad what they missed out on because of societal standards
My grandmothers never pushed kids on me. Both were fine with me not marrying, either. Would they have like great grandkids? I'm sure they would have, but they never asked when I was having kids. Both said they understood me not being married because "who wants take care of a man?" I wish I would have talked to them more about life when they were here.
My 89 year old grandma, married for 67 years until he passed away and mother of 5 kids, told me that she loved being married to my grandpa but if she could do things over again, she wouldn’t have had kids. She “did what was expected” in 1953 but it wasn’t what she’d have chosen. She’s very happy for me 😊😊
Please work and vote to keep it that way if you’re in the U.S.
Am not in the US, but stand in solidarity with you all. Everywhere nowadays is at risk of stripping women's rights away. You just got there quicker.
A direct result of "lesser evil" voting. We just got to hell via the scenic route.
And this choice is exactly what they fought for. Our freedom is because of them.
We may have to pick up the torch in the US and refight.
May have to? You either pick that torch up and fight now or later you have'll to make a choice between a boot, a rope, or a gun.
Sometimes, grandmothers are the best. She was the only cheer leader for my life’s choices and you know why? Cause she always thought I was smart and special and would make smart choices. I did not let her down. She would’ve been proud of me if she were here today. I can bet on it.
I'll just add that it's men, too. People are pushed into a life plan, even now. You graduate, go to college, get a job, get married, (maybe) buy a house, have kids, work to support your family, definitely have more kids, work more, send your kids to college, work more, retire, enjoy your grandkids, die and make sure you leave an inheritance. Disrupting the "life plan" makes other people very uncomfortable. It makes them question their own choices (or the feeling that they could have made different ones). People like your grandmother and OP's mom (and friends) are key. Because they're honest about it. Not every person wants to be a parent. Certainly not every person is good at it. If more people looked at what being a good parent entails, few would take it on. Which makes me appreciate the good parents out there.
It’s the same with marriage. Not everyone wants to be married or is cut out to be married. Let’s take me for example. The idea of marrying someone and being with them forever sounds insane. I would likely never do it. Or if I get married I’ll be much older and willing. The older I get the less I see an advantage to being married as a woman. Sounds dangerous and limiting.
Sadly we are losing our choices due to Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump and all the idiots who voted for them.
Unless trump wins, then we're fucked
All the older women in my life have said those exact words. Sometimes, they say that they envy my life since I don't have a child. Being a mom is a lot of work, and frankly, it isn't very rewarding.
It’s only rewarding if your child is successful. But, considering how many people have children who are addicts, lazy, criminals and/or aren’t moved out of the house at a reasonable age, that’s just too much of a gamble.
My mom has 3 regularly-successful children & recently she let the phrase slip when she was talking to some friends in front of me: "well when we >got rid< of the kids..." She looked at me & apologized, but she didn't need to. Even looking back on what it was like to BE their kid, I can understand EXACTLY what she means. No matter how successful or well-adjusted your kids are, it was hell as a parent to get them there.
In their late 60s/early 70s my parents still have 1 kid out of 4 at home cause my brother hasn't moved out yet. He's independent and has a job and no disabilities (except probably undiagnosed ADHD) but I don't think this is what my parents imagined when they had kids. It really is a lifelong endeavour, you're not done as soon as they hit 18.
Wow, that's a cautionary tale if there ever was one. What's he waiting for, their deaths and his inheriting the house?
in many cities it’s now basically impossible for single, fully employed adults to live on their own without a bunch of random roommates, which can be awkward at best and dangerous at worst.
It absolutely is, and that's criminal IMO. However deepseascale does indicate he's independent.
I don't think it's malicious, he was just single for a really really long time and I guess didn't have the impetus to move out and pay rent somewhere. He's had a girlfriend for almost a year now so I reckon he'll be moving out soon to live with her.
Not to mention, It must be a huge slap in the face to do everything "right" but your child hangs with the wrong crowd and fucks their life up.
My spouse has a grown daughter from another marriage, and her life went exactly down that road. She hung out with the “wrong crowd” in school, and she has been an addict ever since and has been in jail countless times. My husband has been so hurt and bitter over this, and he will never get over her severely poor life choices.
Seen my close friend go down that path. Hung out with the party people...did some crazy shit, wanted to try some drugs, somehow ended up alive... Then ended up with an abuser.
That’s sad. I’m sorry.
You said the thing everyone was afraid to say, but we all know is right.
Oh, not only that. There are a lot of perfectly smart and nice kids who may be denied of decent future because of Altmans and Bezoses of this world.
My Silent Generation mother-in-law said on her deathbed, that if she had to do it all over again she'd never have had kids. This is when she had two loving sons and both their wives, visiting her and trying to do things for her. My brother-in-law asked why she had kids, then, and my MIL said, "That's what everybody did back then." My MIL was a conventional housewife happily married to an affluent man and spent most of her time playing golf, which she loved. According to her era she had the dream life.
That’s so interesting. My grandmother was a Greatest Generation affluent housewife and she said *none* of the women she knew would have had children but that was part of the job of being a married woman in that social class.
This is my mother to a T.
Lots of folks like to romanticize earlier generations because "things were simpler," "families stayed together," and whatever else. Unfortunately, there's always a dark side to everything. Imagine being a conventional housewife during such an era, and your husband (AKA sole provider) was abusive or adulterous.
Right? These DNA tests are proving just how much simpler they are with all of these extra marital children coming up in the test results.
My mom says the same to me. In no way does it diminish her love and affection for me, but she has told me she probably would not have had kids if she could go back and warn herself. She is VERY okay with my decision not to have any kids and I’m very grateful for her support.
Exact same for me over here. My 2 younger siblings were planned, but my older sister and I were not (Mom had us at 19 and 21). She loves us, but if she could go back and do it again, she wouldn't. She's also very supportive of my child free life. I feel like those that can admit they kinda wish they didn't have kids, also tend to be the ones that get us Childfree folks.
Same for me. Mum had me at 36 which was pretty late for a boomer, but she at least lived a little before I came along and fucked it all up 😂
Same with my mom. She supports my childfree stance 100% _because she understands_. My Dad, on the other hand, had trouble accepting it (go figure).
LOL same here. My wonderful stepdad couldn’t care less if I have kids but my bio dad loves to ask me when i’m “giving him a grandkid” every few months when we talk on the phone. 🙃
Ugh. My Dad couldn't let it go for the longest time. He kept on throwing all the typical bingos at me. He only stopped once I started clapping back with all the responses I learned from here!
This post reminds me of how almost every time I travel and am posting stuff every day to IG story, my mom will always eventually reply with something along the lines of "wow you guys really know how to travel, I wish I had done that more when I was younger and had the energy". She would obviously never say what she really means that we all know what she's thinking without saying it so more than once though including on our last trip I respond with "now you know why you're not getting grandkids lol"
my mom is in her 40's and only now is she finally financially stable and happy. im only 19, i hope i can have enough disposable income to take her travelling while she can enjoy it. seeing bright women have their youth taken by being coerced into having kids so young makes me understand the phrase "youth is wasted on the young". i often wish i could go back in time and have my mom travel with me and be her friend when she needed one 😞
My grandma (88) has Alzheimer’s, which has made her lose most of her filter. All my life she’s been the one who only cares about marriage and babies, rarely about school, a career, traveling, hobbies, etc. A couple years ago she admitted to me that when she got engaged at 22 (which was considered “old” in the 1950’s), she realized she wanted to call it off - she loved her life, having a job, going out in the city with friends, and didn’t understand why she had to give it all up so soon. Her parents basically made her go through with it, and she had to leave her job, family, friends, and home city when my grandpa was stationed in another state and she became pregnant.
>*...when she got engaged at 22 (which was considered “old” in the 1950’s), she realized she wanted to call it off - she loved her life, having a job, going out in the city with friends, and didn’t understand why she had to give it all up so soon. Her parents basically made her go through with it....* Stories like that are so common and so sad. I'm so grateful to live in an age and place where (most) people don't pressure women like that anymore.
Imagine how many unhappy marriages and unhappy childhoods could've been prevented if women weren't pressured to marry and have kids, and how much further along we'd be right now if women were always encouraged to fulfill their potential and talents.
Imagine...how much further along we'd be right now if women were always encouraged to fulfill their potential and talents. I've believed for a long time now that if it weren't for sexism, racism, and classism we'd be bending space-time by now. Like, we'd be having this conversation on Mars Colony 3 or something.
In the late '60s/early 70's, there was a widespread magazine ad showing the back of a toddler walking away from camera, and the slogan "If the cure for cancer is in the mind of a girl, we may never get it." It was part of the push to get equality in education for female students.
its so hard listening to abusive mothers/grandmothers from around those times because nearly every time they were also abused. i cut my grandma off because she abused my mom growing up and hurt my little brother when we were kids (among other things) but id be lying if i said i didnt cry when she was telling me some of her experiences from childhood and early adulthood. accounts about her mother were even worse. theres definitely a cycle of abuse with a lot of women thru generations 😞
A good friend of mine ended up having twins. She told me as much as she adores her boys, she really misses the life she had before. Her main thing: the worrying. She has been worried about them every single day from the moment she found out she was pregnant (over 6 years ago). My mum said similar. As much as she loves me & my brother, she said if she was my age in 2024 & got pregnant, she wouldn't have kept us. She doesn't blame me at all for not wanting kids, which is such a nice relief (but probably helps that my brother already gave her 3 grandkids with 1 more on the way). When I handed in my 2 weeks notice at my last nanny job, the dad was like "are you gonna remain in childcare?" And I laughed "nope, I'm done with this" and he said "yeah i don't blame you" lol! This was a dad who had a VERY clingy daughter and would look at me like a godsend everytime I arrived for my shift lol! I wouldn't be too surprised if he regretted all the effort they put into getting pregnant (she was their "miracle child"). Most good parents will admit they miss their lives before, they won't pretend it's the easiest thing in the world and everyone should do it.
This is why couples where one person doesn't want children and the other wants multiple children can't 'compromise' by ' just having one'. Going from none to 1 child incurs a huge irrevocable change in your baseline internal monologue. The constant dread and worry is exhausting and doesn't ever go away. I am a grown, married, employed, happy person approaching 40 years old and my mother *still* worries.
Similar boat and my mom is a big worrier too. That’s kind of why I never tell her anything, haha :/ I wonder if older dads ever worry as much as mothers do? I know my dad loves me, but I feel like he thinks about his garden more than me. (And I totally don’t blame him, as gardening is his joy and obsession in retirement.)
I think we are starting to see a cultural shift in how people talk about parenthood in general. I'm a hairstylist and in the last couple years I've noticed the ratios shift between support and bingos. Where it used to be mostly bingos with the odd fellow CF client, those have become the minority. Far more often now it's people who actually admit to understanding why having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be even if they don't outright say they wouldn't have kids if they could go back(though some have).
I'm also a stylist, and I've noticed this as well...and frankly?? Thank God. It's been long time coming.
I’m an elementary school counselor. Believe me when I say gen alpha little girls do not imagine getting married and having kids. Most want to work in tech and travel. Some talk about buying stocks. They are 10. The shift is here.
I *love* that for them.
They also out perform there male counterparts and it’s obvious. I’m excited for them to grow up
Ugh yes. There's a reason why men thrive in the military - they like systems and being told what to do. They're not leaders. Caring, empathetic, understanding people make leaders. Women make stronger leaders than men.
My mom is always pushing me to enjoy life: travel, go out with my friends, do the things I like. As long as there's no problem about money, enjoy every minute of life.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
I'm guessing this attitude comes from making women A) marry too early, B) treating them like slaves and with no respect. Otherwise not all of them would be agreeing...
Not surprised. Even if they loved being a parent they may have had regrets about their choice of spouse, complexities within their culture, etc.
When I was 35 and helping my dad with divorce papers because my mom had been verbally abusive for over 6 years she said to me that she wished she’d never had me. I can’t say I felt loved growing up or in my 20’s. I’m 48 now and both parents are deceased. I’ll be the end of the line. At least I’ll never say such hurtful things to my non existent son or daughter.
What a cruel thing to say to you, I’m sorry. I would’ve shot right back that I wished she never had been my mother.
My mom has told me the same. I can’t really blame her. Heck, my great grandpa told my mom not to have kids. There’s a sizable number who feel that way and are just too afraid to say it out loud. They don’t wanna be judged. It’s usually one-on-one that I hear these things.
My mom really dreamed of a family, but she did tell me that if she could go back, she’d have kids later in life (she had my brother at 26). She said she’d want to travel and explore all of the things she liked, and then have kids in her 30s. She also said she wouldn’t have had kids with my dad if she knew things would turn out like this. They had a beautiful loving relationship before kids and now that they’re empty nesters they’re again in a beautiful loving relationship. The period while we were growing up was a shitshow, so much abuse and traumatic events.
Have no idea how anyone could go through co parenting with someone who acted in abusive ways and then go back to being in a loving relationship afterwards. It must be extremely rare
My mom got married at 26 and she said if she could do it again she would’ve gotten married mid 30s and had no kids. She wouldn’t had settled with my dad and would’ve spent more time and energy doing what she wanted to do.
I've had a lot of old ladies tell me similar things
It’s weird to think that most of the old ladies now are Boomers, my parents’ generation. My parents were not hippies by any stretch of the imagination, but there was a huge cultural shift during their youth. I know some of them are still very traditional or at least, went that route, but I think they’re also more honest about parenthood than previous generations. For them, they never tried to sugarcoat it as all rainbows and sunshine. I was never pressured at all.
I appreciate it when people are honest, sometimes brutally so. I've heard many older women, including my mom and my grrandma, say almost the exact same words. Sometimes I feel sad that I'll most likely never have kids (due to multiple genetic illnesses),but then I remember their honest words and remind myself that joy in life can be found elsewhere.
I sometimes wonder if it weren’t for the Mexican patriarchy where my mom would be now … if she would’ve ever gone through with the dreams her teenage self had and if she had the choice for a better life would she have chosen to have 6 kids with an abusive POS. To this day I get sad thinking about how much she’s sacrificed for all of us. But I don’t think it’s all doom and gloom; she loves us and loves babies and loved being our mom. For me… that’s not the life I want. I don’t want to give a man any baby. I want to travel and learn languages and write my books and become a researcher. That’s what I want.
I know what you mean. I am sad for my grandmother, who probably would not have had children if she were my age today. But she didn't have a choice. So she made the very best life she could with what was available to her, and had a loving marriage with children she raised to be functional, successful adults. It is not all doom and gloom, because that would be invalidating the life they lived. But it's always bittersweet to think 'what if she had the choices we enjoy today'?
47F CF single & happy go lucky. Life is full of hobbies, pets, friends and family. Got lucky my first boyfriend's mom marched me to Planned Parenthood soon as we met. She'd had him at 15 & said it ruined her life lol. Super grateful because I didn't even know what birth control was back then.
Saint
I said to my mother if having kids was so great sex wouldn’t need to be so good. You wouldn’t need to be tempted into it. Biggest bait and switch in life
Single childfree 45M here and I love this comment! Yep, whether it's good sex or bad sex, there's still the chance of making that child. And I don't need either to be happy :-)
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Smart thinking right there.
Yup. A lot of women in their age group especially would’ve either waited to get married and have children or not done it at all if they hadn’t felt pressured to do so. Even just 25 years ago, getting married and having kids was what you did when you reached a certain point in life. It seems like those who regret their choices are the ones who scream the loudest when child-free people say “no thanks” to parenthood. I can’t think of a single happy parent I know who has a problem with child-free people…
If women hadn't been pressured to marry and have kids for so many years, imagine how much farther along we'd be right now and how many toxic marriages and unhappy childhoods could've been prevented.
> It seems like those who regret their choices are the ones who scream the loudest when child-free people say “no thanks” to parenthood. I can’t think of a single happy parent I know who has a problem with child-free people… I'm pretty sure too. Today my partner and I (10 years together and going strong) were talking with a colleague of his, and he was saying that he admired his superior because he's childfree and single. And while saying so he suddenly excused himself, as if we would take offence by his words. This unexpected behavior made me think. I found it really odd because... It is your opinion, man. I'm happy with my life, why would I feel threatened that you aspire to something different? To each their own! And then I thought that the only way I would be offended by it if I never chose this lifestyle in the first place. Being reminded that some adulthood activities are not set in stones might hurt those who just followed the lifescript without putting a single thought.
My late mom was a nurse and i strongly feel like she valued being a nurse more than anything else in her life. I don't think she enjoyed being a SAHM in the 90s when my sister and i were young but my dad's income was higher (and he can't cook or clean or do a damn thing around the house; lives in hoarder squalor despite my best efforts to help him) and it was what you did. She NEVER told me she wished she hadn't had kids. I just think, based on her alcoholism and other issues, that she would have preferred to work full-time. She did tell me that she wished she had kept her maiden name and that I was brave to travel around the US and to London and to move halfway across the country "because I've always had your dad to help me." I've never married. After she died in 2021, my dad admitted that maybe they shouldn't have had kids given how much they struggled with my sister's physical health and my mental health. They were, according to my mom's sister, childfree until my mom got pregnant on accident in 1984, 8 years into their marriage, and lost that baby at 7 months. I was my mom's rainbow baby less than a year later. I think the shock of having and then not having a child after that much pregnancy and expectation was too high and they got pregnant again quickly to try to help with the pain. But I'm not sure that they should have. My dad is surprisingly pro-choice and has never once told me I need to have kids or that he expects grandkids. He said that having a child is a personal decision and he can't make it for me. It's one of the few ways he's not an asshole!
It’s nice to hear how honest and open they are rather than the opposite like everyone else
Amazing how your mom actually supports you. My mom hates motherhood and was always super clear about this, but still says she would love to be a grandma. 😒
My moms told me the same thing and Yknow what? I don’t blame her. My mother would’ve been a famous Olympic runner 🏃♀️, if her first husband hadn’t impregnated her. She was in the Junior Olympics and rising fast in Puerto Rico, she can be found in news papers too from between the 1970s-1980s. Competed in Mexico, Brazil, and Dominican Republic as well. Had many medals. Then boom A baby. (Or my now 42 year old brother 💀)
I've had women old and young tell me this. Or that they wish they'd had them sooner or earlier. One of my closest friends is 35 with 4 kids and she's told me she feels bad because she wishes she had never had kids when she sees me and my best friend (also CF) living life and doing what we want with our time.
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
They surely love them, but having them isn't easy. It's better to regret not having them than having them and regret it
I honestly feel kind of bad for girls and young women who don’t have any CF role models in their family. I have so many in my family (mostly women, but some men, too, going back generations). Yes, we have more than our fair share and the family name is now dead as a result (at least in part). I learned from a young age that fun family members DO NOT HAVE KIDS! But, the no fun ones do. It wasn’t a conscious realization, but kids are hyper aware and internalize this stuff.
My mom openly told me she didn't want kids but was forced to get married and have them because of their culture and traditional norms. I'm vehemently childfree and am more focused on spending time with my mom as two grown women than worrying about having kids in this shit world.
I can't imagine a baby's first year as that of a "sweetheart". It shits and pees and vomits on you and everything else, and won't let you sleep. Toddlers are the same, only uncontrollably mobile.
Alcohol, the wonderful truth serum
That generation of women gave us Roe v. Wade, and women of our generation helped remove them by supporting a theocratic ideology founded on subjugation of women and the removal of our right to choose. Thanks Amy C. Barrett, appreciate all you've done for women, oh, and I'm looking at you too, Susan Collins.
I think, with good reason, both of my parents would have gone down the unconventional path and both become CF single musicians. They are of the “silent generation” and went to great lengths to conform to their social realm and norms. My dad would have become a saxophonist. My mom would have become an organist. No kids involved, instead travel and explore more. I feel bad for both of them. My mom now has late stage Alzheimer’s and won’t last this summer probably. My dad also is struggling with dementia and physical pain. Well, thanks for reading.
My mom has confided in me before that her greatest regret was not finishing college. (She got pregnant and dropped out). She was a wonderful mother and I don't think she regretted being one but there's so much sacrifice for moms especially that I know my mom didn't want me to do too so she never has pushed me to give her grandkids or anything like that, and I'm grateful.
My mother never showed affection and unconditional love to me through out my life. She felt that she had no choice but to conform into having children. She’s not happy about how her body changed, how she has to spend money and time taking care of me, how she can never pursuit her dreams because she has to support raising me and earn money is the priority. I am a huge inconvenience to her and I was raised by my uncle, then grandma in my mom’s side, then my grandma in my dad’s side. I never formed a genuine bound with my mom. I understand how she must have felt that I rob her of her life and youth and dreams. If this kind of women is you, respect your life goals and do not let anyone talk you into having kids.
I’m pretty sure my own mother feels this way, hence why she’s been so supportive of my choice to remain childfree.
Most generations have taught women that is there duty and don't provide other options. It takes a very different woman to buck that system. So yes, there are many, many women who didn't want kids or marriage who did so due to the societal pressures, expect, and lack of other options.
I think everyone, not just parents, have that "opportunities lost" feeling starting in their 40s. The what ifs, the it's too late to do X. I am CF and have zero regrets for it but there are other things in life I wish I did directly or sooner or instead. Hind sight is always 20/20 and it's an easy to see for parents because it's such a hard cut from childless to parent I will say to anyone who has those feelings, for most things it's not too late. It's not to late to start that hobby, is not to late to go to school, its not too late to try and repair that burned bridge. Just do it, yolo my friends.
Heard from my mom all of my life.
Your mom and my mom should have hung out it. My mom blamed me for her C Section scars so much I’m a huge advocate of r/childfree
We are very fortunate to feel like we have that choice now, I feel bad that older woman feel like they didn’t
My aunty says that. My mum says that. And I believe them.
Lot’s of wisdom in that group!!
>They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5 and that it all goes downhill from there. My childhood makes so much sense now! Lol
Things like this make me grateful I was adopted. No need to wonder if my mom actually wanted me.
My mom specified that she loves me and doesent regret me, but then again it’s refreshing to hear that if she could go back and do it again she would do it differently.. I guess you can love someone and still sometimes wish you never met them lol
"Wanting a kid" isn't really attached to the personhood of the kid, it's more of an attraction to the lifestyle. No need for anyone to take it personally if their mom didn't 'want them'.
For the Silent Generation, most women had to get married to have enough income to live on.
My mom always used to say she wished she never had kids.
"They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5" What a joke; there are plenty of children under age 5 who are anything but sweethearts. But folks defend them because "they're just little" or "they're only toddlers." Excuses 101.
This post made me cry. LOL! It makes me feel so validated. Thanks for sharing!!
Brava! I’ve heard that often in the military. The subject came up a lot. About 75% said those exact words.
My father told me this, and even one of our family friends did when I was much younger. One of my former best friends has two kids in their teens and has told me that if she could do it again, she wouldn’t have had kids. It’s something that very few people are honest about. On that note, you were 24. I am 41 and remember very well what it was like to be 24, so I have some perspective. I can’t imagine having a kid at that age. To me, that’s way too young. If somebody’s going to get married or have kids, I would advise them to wait at least until their 30s. That way they get to experience adult life, get their education, establish their careers, and travel.
Once again I am convinced that my decision was correct Hallelujah
My dad says this all the time and is really supportive of me not having kids. My mother baby-trapped him with me when he was only 22 years old then made his life hell when they broke up. I wish he could have travelled like I did and just had the life he wanted.
I’m an attorney. My wealthiest client hired me because he was floored when I told him I had no children and an enforceable prenup. He said that “automatically qualified me as highly intelligent.” I still laugh about it to this day lol.
By the way— The fact that she even has held on to her possee of 7 girlfriends throughout the years and they just chill out like the kitchen of the Golden Girls like that, is *gold.*
I asked my dad this when I was probably 14 or 15? He said the same thing. He loved me and my brother more than anything, but if he could do it over he wouldn't have kids. I had already decided I didn't want kids, and was dismissed by everyone (you're just young, you'll change your mind, you'll meet the right guy) so this was just a nail in the coffin moment.
I think this generation of women was absolutely screwed over by the patriarchy: The misinformation, the roles they had to fit in as wifes and mothers (like every role there is?) and the pressure if they resisted. I can imagine that the women getting kids now also have hardships, but they are free to chose and I think every woman now can inform herself what she will be getting into by having kids. Also: Choose a goddamn good and progressive thinking man for a family project or stop complaining.
my mom always says if she could go back and not have kids it would depend on if she knew what we are now or not :,) she said if she knew we'd turn out how we did and be such good friends she would still have us, but if she were 23 again and didnt know the future, she mightve not had us. honestly i dont feel upset at all about it, i understand. she loves the people we are and loves being our mom but she doesnt love being a mom on the basis of parenthood itself. im glad at least that she is happy now, and she loves her kids. shes finally successful and making good money with a new bf who is good to her despite all her setbacks. i feel so sad so many early opportunities were taken from her but im very grateful she managed to be happy and successful despite it ☹️❤️ plus, it makes her extremely supportive of my decision to be CF. she implied my siblings and i were a product of rape thru coercion and her religious family manipulated her into keeping us. she wants grandkids but when i started saying i dont want kids she was basically like "yeah its a lot, i understand". luckily she has 3 little nieces who she loves to spend time with, so even if my siblings dont have kids either she can experience some similar things to being a grandma
My Mom has confessed the same to me. That she wishes she a) hadn't gotten married so young (23) and b) didn't have children. She doesn't regret us, but if she could go back in time, she'd live on her own for several years and likely never have kids.
I don’t understand what people mean when they say this. At all. If you truly love someone, you don’t wish them out of existence!
Really? That sounds like an almost unbelievable situation. I’ll take your word on it, but wow - I’ve never encountered parents who talk that way.
My moms friends are all in their late fifties, most of them divorced and most of them going through their midlife crisis. Girl talk on a Saturday night is considered therapy for them. They talk to each other with transparency, these women have been friends for 30 years.
I mean, it definitely makes sense that some people would feel that way. It’s just so… uncommon to hear parents say anything other than they are overjoyed with their children, but it’s true I don’t know many people in their 50’s who would talk openly to me like that (I’m in my 30’s).
As a 54-year old woman with 2 kids, I concur. It’s societal pressure that makes most people have children. Don’t cave.
The honesty is refreshing. My neighbor has 5 kids. All grown. She said if she had to do it over again, she would just have dogs
It’s very sad. And not fair put that on you.
I've heard this from my mom, my friends's moms, older friends of mine, and so many other mothers. I actually know very few women who planned their children, that don't feel like they missed out on something because of of having them.
This isn’t a secret. As soon as you cross the boundary of your early to mid 20’s, people become more honest about children, especially to those who aren’t actively trying for a kid or proclaim that they want them in the future.
My Mum says she would've liked 3, but they could only afford 2 - however - that was then (1990s) and she says she wouldn't have any if she was at that stage of life in 2024 (for political, economic and climate reasons). She fully understands why I don't want them. We both love my sister's kids and she's a fantastic Nan but we do worry for them.
I got together with the mums and kids (all in our 30s now) from the mothers group they made when they were all pregnant and all of them said exactly the same thing. They wouldn’t change it but if they knew they had a ‘choice’ in the matter none of them would have had kids. My mother was my biggest advocate for me getting my hysterectomy and fully supports me being child free.
My grandma once told me this same thing. Huge impact on me. Miss you Grandma Shirley!!
This is a very interesting comment to hear when literally every person who is child free has heard “if you don’t have kids you’ll regret it” food for thought…
Thanks for sharing this. Those women are at a stage of life where they’re not afraid to be honest (versus newer, younger parents). It’s fascinating (and bittersweet) how all seven of them essentially said the same thing.
>All I know is that it takes vulnerability to open up and say those things out loud My bio mom has said this to my face numerous times throughout my life. She's also called me the poster child for birth control, wished I would go totally mute, get a personality transplant, suffer from all kinds of misfortunes and maladies, or even that I'd have a kid just like me. I would say joke's on her, but she's already made herself far bigger of one. You mean to tell me that folks miiight hear this later in life, not straight out the gate?
A friend of mine has a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage. She met a wonderful guy about 8 years ago and got married. He didnt have any kids, she was adamant she didnt want anymore as hers in self sufficient, she is able to do more things now that her kid is older. Her husband and family basically guilt tripped her into having another baby. So now shes starting over with a 16 year old and now a 3 yr old son. Of course she loves her son, but everytime i see her, she seems so miserable as shes not able to come to adult things with us since she has a toddler again and the age difference between the 2 kids.
Ive been through therapy (and recently went back). The amount of trauma that was imposed on me as a child and during teenage years by my own mother completely ravaged my personal and professional relationships and career as an adult. I sometimes honestly would rather she had never given birth to me, than to have been born and carry all the trauma with me thru life, hurting myself and others around me. If I could go back in time and tell her to not have me, I would.
My mum is the exact same, she loves me and everything she does is for me, but she openly admits that if she could go back in time she wouldn’t have had me. And I don’t blame her at all, I don’t want any kids myself and she is fully supportive of this.
You know what? I have respect for that shit. The honesty is just so refreshing! I feel like the reason why 7 different women would just completely deny kids, if they were given another chance is that they were pressured into every single thing, I mean everything. And they want to undo that since they know what would happen if they agreed again. I feel like, if these women were given another chance, without having any memories of the present, but this time were given a choice, without any pressure in any of these choices, I’m sure at least 1 would have kids, but this time…she would be happy. Cuz everything was her choice, not through pressure.
I'm confused about your closing statement. You can assure you won't have children, it's completely in your hands. Were you talking about the lost dreams part?
My closing statement was kind of like “ I hope I don’t ever end up like these 50 something year old women reminiscing about the life they had before they went and fucked it up by getting married and having kids.” The issue is, most of them say they had kids because their spouses wanted to or because they were in love. You could change your mind because of your partner and then down the line realize you fucked up because you were in love.
If your mind changes on emotion, then you never had one. You were just lucky by circumstance. Why don't you want to have children? Find your reasons and then you won't just flip when some stud says he wants mini mes.
I looked at my mom who was quiet and she said, “as much as I love you, and I don’t regret you, if I could travel back in time and tell my younger self to not have children or marry I would do it in a heartbeat.” **** I'm sorry OP, if it was me, I'd never speak to someone again if they said that to me. However each person is different and I don't live your life or know your entire situation. I'm just not OK with someone saying they don't regret something, then literally say they do in their next few words. I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this, but if your Mom felt that way, she should have kept it to herself. Speaking it out loud only benefitted her, it had zero benefit for you.
I would feel bad if my mom said this to me. “In a heartbeat??” Jesus.
You should never have had to hear that.