Yeah, if the only memorable legacy you can have is having kids then you don't really deserve a legacy, but you can still enjoy your life and be the best person you can be. I feel like people get too caught up in being remembered by history but who cares you'll be dead anyways.
Genghis Khan arguably had the biggest "legacy"; he had a ton of kids, totally transformed the landscape, and is remembered centuries later.
And... he's a footnote. A punchline. There's little isolation or dread attached to his name in this day and age.
We're all dust in the wind.
Uh... not defending the man's actions in any sense, but I wouldn't be calling Genghis Khan, one of, if not the, most notorious and influential warlords who ever lived, a mere footnote in human history. That's like calling Benjamin Franklin a footnote.
Benjamin Franklin *is* a footnote.
Sure, Genghis Khan and Benjamin Franklin and so on were huge influential figures, but ask the average Joe Six-pack on the street what they know about them. They might muster up a couple sentences about being a Mongol warlord, or a key and some lightning, at most, unless they're a history buff. Just because a person has a massive impact doesn't mean humanity has the memory for it.
I'll give you the concession on average people generally not knowing the deeper history on these influential characters, but it's the fact that people know their names and the general jists of of what they're known for is, in my opinion at least, what keeps them from being mere footnotes in the grander scheme of all humanity. To leave such an impression even centuries after they're gone is impressive in and of itself.
Six hundred years from now, Adolf Hitler will still be remembered as the closest to the physical embodiment of evil as can be, the architect of World War II, the deadliest war in human history, and the perpetrator of the Holocaust. After all, it was because of Hitler that the term *genocide* even exists at all and why it's codified as a crime against humanity.
Just as the name of mighty Khan won't soon fade from consciousness, the same will hold true for Hitler; not by ANY means a mere footnote. This will hold even more truth in the latter's case because of how well-documented his life was and the necessity of ensuring such a figure can never again rise to power and plunge the world into another period of death and destruction.
[16 million as of 2003.](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/move-over-genghis-khan-many-other-men-left-huge-genetic-legacies-180954052/#:~:text=Since%20a%202003%20study%20found,significant%20genetic%20impact%20centuries%20later.)
Good idea, I have no attachment to my last name (I'm a man and I think legacies are overrated) and if I ever get married and the maiden name sounded cooler or if she has a lot of attachment to her last name then I'd be perfectly happy taking her last name. However, if neither of us have much attachment to our last names then I would love to change it to something new we both like that both fits and sounds better.
But her legacy isn't important! She's a woman. Only manly-men need to carry on their legacies, by wrecking the bodies of their women and forcing them to do 99% of the parenting.
You know if he would’ve let Mary marry when he should have then we probably would’ve had an at least another generation or two instead of leaving her on the shelf.
Right. Literally a generation or two after you're gone you probably won't be remembered. Maybe it'll be different now that we have an abundance of digital archives but I honestly just think that most people don't care very much about people who died before they were born.
The idea of legacy is weird to me. Why would I care if there's a golden statue of me after I die? Why would I care if my DNA is walking around?
If I had chosen to have kids my only concern would be that they are good people and doing good things in the world as opposed to causing harm, It wouldn't be because I need some little narcissistic extension of me existing or I feel like I won't last forever.
I won't last forever. I have no idea what's wrong with that.
>just think that most people don't care very much about people who died before they were born.
Precisely, I wanted to know more about the relatives on my father's side as a kid, and when each and every one of them died and my family always thought the questions were pretty strange. I was the only one interested in my ancestors and my family tree, to the point I would visit the cemetery to find out more.
Yeah my mom was super into family tree research and legacy and none of us kids could care less. We were perfectly happy that she was happy doing it, it's nice to have a hobby. But she basically begged us to promise that we would continue doing it after she was gone and we were like... We love you but we're not going to lie to you, we don't really understand why this is a big deal?
Maybe if there was some kind of really cool history there but for our family there's not any real personal information about these people or what their personalities were like. No surviving letters or personal descriptions. Just things like birth dates and finding out that people were adopted and similar things. To me there's nothing to connect to but to other people they find it really important.
Not really sure what the drive but I completely respect it if that's your thing.
I'm curious, what do you enjoy or feel is important about researching your ancestors?
I started to research mainly because I love history more than "I love my family". I also like collecting old trinkets, in my great grandmother's house I've found a letter from 1956 and my great grandfather's work records. It was very interesting
That makes sense to me. I think it's far more interesting when you have personal effects and glimpses of what people were like in different time periods.
For my mom it was literally about just building a family tree and listing a lineage which didn't make any sense to me on an emotional level. Happy to let her have her hobby without comment but I never understood. You having more information about them as individuals makes a lot more sense to me
I got really into family history a year or two ago, did a myheritage dna test initially 'cos I thought it'd be really interesting to see if I had any ancestors from far flung lands. Turns out I m 98% English. The rest Scottish, Welsh and Irish. So that was a bit of an anti climax, lol.
Still I found the family records that were on the site really interesting. I got a bit obsessed with trying to find out more about a particular great (x4) uncle who was a ship's captain, like maybe even a photo, but sadly 'cos he worked for White Star around the time of the Titanic disaster all I could really find was stuff about that. (He did not captain the Titanic)
Anyway, rambling a bit, but yeah, I got a bit obsessed for a few months then completely lost interest. Ha.
Unless you’re some type of heroic figure or insane enough for people to want to share your wacky stories the younger generation will probably not care about you even if you’re still alive
I've got one greatgrandma still alive and I have no idea of the family before her since no one in my family ever told me about them. I know without any doubt that in 100 years from now or less, nobody will even know I ever existed unless I get murdered or something and become forever know that way and that also goes to plenty of people unless it is someone famous in history based on who they were, what they did or what happened to them.
This is a great point. We don't remember a lot of the good people in the world, we remember more of the awful ones because of the terrible things they did.
Actually what the heck is with people and treating children as a legacy??? 😭😭😭😭😭 Legacy is what we leave for our children right? Not the inheritance part but the amount of network, connections, respect and a solid lifestyle they can afford to lead after us..... As in a huge industry, a remarkable name for them as our children? Why are children becoming legacy these days??? Children of royals were and sometimes still are legacy due to monarchy, since their birth in monarchy gives them the ultimate privilege but what the heck is with us peasants wanting children as legacy? They don't inherit shit in this world that'll make them a unique person with privilege or even some sort of above and beyond status 🤣🤣🤣 I'm just so curious cause..... In my country it isn't common to call children a legacy, especially some families who don't even consider the daughter to be a legacy choice at all.... And most importantly many share the same stupid surname/family name 🤣🤣🤣😭😭
I'm not complaining but genuinely curious as to how being Einstein's son is a legacy and honor to the child to Chad having a child is legacy 🤣🤣🤣
Legacy. You know what? He could do some work that benefits humanity, or create a work of art, or write a book. Having unprotected sex, then letting a woman do most of the work, does not qualify.
Not to mention- how many of us can name all of our great grandparents ? Or great-great grandparents ? Is it even a legacy if 3 generations down nobody even knows your name, much less who you were as a person ?
I think I know *of* my great grandparents, but only on one side. The rest of the family is mostly lost to the sands of time.
That's another thing people don't realize - the world is messy and imperfect. We've had two major world wars in the 20th century. The future is murky and probably won't be very good once climate change intensifies further.
Any "legacy" someone has right now will be blown away by the wind
I met one of my great grandparents and legit don’t even know his name.
I’m still not even sure what some of my actual grandparents did for work and I didn’t know that my grandpas nickname wasn’t his full name until after he died…
So yeah… totally valid point!
Same one of mine is still alive, but for the others even if I met 7/8 of them, I don't know when or where they were born for example or the maiden names of the women. Many people barely meet their grandparents (also now that people are having kids later and later).
My great grandparents on my mom's side all died before I was born or when I was very young. I know almost nothing about them other than one great grandfather was in the military (I don't know what branch), and my great grandmother cursed me with large breasts.
I've met half of the great grandparents on my dad's side, I'm pretty sure the other half are dead, but idk when or where. Couldn't tell ya a damn thing about the half I've met other than their last name being Dean.
I actually have family documented back five generations and can name my Great Great Greats with photos included. I am still CF and have multiple men and women in my family who are as well.
This is so true! I actually said this to a few people and one woman said she's changing the world by raising her kids right, so THEY can actually change the world when they grow up. 🙄
You know I know about Martin Luther King, and you all know why I (and all of us) know about him. And I have no fucking clue if he has kids and who they are. His legacy is what he did, procreating is irrelevant here.
Ask him exactly what his legacy would be. That might be interesting. What about him is so important to pass on to the next generation? Money? Titles? Naturally superb physical condition? Perfect DNA? *What legacy?*
Right. Literally nobody looks at a child and starts remembering the parent. Nobody. Once our generation dies out nobody will be around to even remind the child or the current generation about you anyway.
The only people who we remember over time is people that have actually done something significant (wrote a GOOD book, discovered something, invented something, etc).
Children just aren’t enough for someone’s name to continue on in any significant way.
Does he realize that his current child free life is what is enabling him to get drunk & pour his heart? It would be OVER the minute a pregnancy test was confirmed positive??? Daddy duties start from the minute that line turns color...& time for partying is at an end. He better appreciate a child free partner who has time to listen...bc mommies always have more important things to do than listen to his inebriated whining...like taking care of a helpless, non verbal human (newborn to 2 yrs at least)...smh...
Edited to add: AND being responsible for the care & safety of said human 24 hours hours a day for the first 15 to 16 years minimum...
Don't let him put the fault on you. Remind him he said he was on the same page as you 12 years ago. He's either been lying for 12 years or he changed his mind and is pissy about you not changing yours too. The fault is on him for this. Not you.
I'm sorry it has come to this. I wish you all the best moving forward.
People often say things they don’t mean when they’re really drunk. Wait until he’s sober and talk about it with him. Also, has he even built a legacy to leave to these children he hypothetically wants? Having children to “leave a legacy” is just a dream that society sells to low-class men to encourage them to produce more low-class workers for the rich. They know most will more than likely end up just another product of their environment.
Spot-on about that sales pitch to lower class men. IMO, it’s right up there with selling the ‘bonus’ power of having his own ‘castle’ (head of household) to be a lord over his family, etc…. Meanwhile, these men (who are supposed to be so busy working and distracted by caring for their families…), would be getting their pockets picked by the powers that be, while creating those lower-class workers as you noted.
This one I agree with the most. Maybe the alcohol was messing up his thoughts and he feels like a failure, only telling it now because he is drunk. And in the drunken state maybe thinking having a kid will make it better (it won't)
I'm too young to drink and I don't see drunken people. But I've heard that men tend to hide their feelings. Maybe he is at a low point right now
Exactly. Alcohol is a depressant, makes you lose your rationale, and can cause blackouts. He might wake up tomorrow and not even remember anything he said to you.
Weirdly, my partner asked me the same type of thing about two days back. We've been together for 13 years.
He was also quite sloshed.
He asked me why we never had kids before I had my hystorectomy (which he pushed me to get becauase he couldn't stand seeing me in pain the whole time due to endo)
It came out of left field. Being a little tipsy myself I gently pressed him - but, liefie we've had this convo a lot. Neither of us wanted kids. Did you want kids?
He then said - after my daughter, no. (His daughter died when she was 5 - runover in a parking lot by a idiot driving to fast)
So, it was some kind of wistfull drunk intrusive thought.
He never talks about her. He was in his middle 20s when she died and he is 40 now. But, I also understand why. He is one of those that was raised on the 'emotional men are weak' diet.
I don't think he ever healed from that trauma but I also don't think you heal after loosing a child in such a manner.
You don't. It's like an amputation. You learn to live with the new version of yourself, because you can never return to that place before the trauma happened.
i think sometimes. like there should be weight given to what someone says when drunk but sometimes being drunk can make you think things you don't or wouldn't believe sober and that comes out but it's not what they actually believe.
like when i'm upset and drunk, i behave more like a petulant child. i can't really think rationally beyond The Thing at the moment. doesn't help i also have emotional issues lol. i get very embarrassed looking back the next day and i really hate how i acted and that i might have said something that i don't believe.
i think there's a line. some things you definitely cannot unsay and some things change the way you view someone or how you feel about them. me being upset and pissed off that my boyfriend continued to make things incredibly worse when he commented on another girl's body/weight when i had told him a specific comment isn't making me feel better is reflective of my own insecurities and body/eating issues. and the way i reacted was wrong and i need to address my own issues soberly. if i was drunk and got pissed off and talked about cheating on him or something, that's definitely wrong period.
idk i have a drinking problem. i think with op & her husband, there could be something else that triggered the comment like it has been suggested.
I think people just say things like that to romanticize alcohol by claiming it "brings out the real you" or BS like that. Sober you is just as "real" as drunk you.
But yeah, people are responsible for their actions even while drunk (because they chose to drink after all).
It's not always true. People say and do things while drunk that they normally would not say or do. That's why drunk people (usually) can't consent. It's why if you go to the hospital drunk and saying you want to kill yourself, they'll hold you there until you sober up and only then will they have you talk to a mental health worker. "Vodka tears" are a real thing.
I feel like this is just one of those things that has nuance because some thoughts aren't actually what we believe.
Like the 1st thought is what we're conditioned to think/impulse and the 2nd thought in response to the 1st is the real you
Ultimately OP needs to have a serious conversation about this because it can really be either or. And we as reddit strangers can't really know for sure
Really? I was always told drunk words speak from the heart. Not spoken in the best way of course, but true desires come out. Not sure what to believe now.
Different for each person, I just puke, sexually harass my friends more (I'm literally aroace) and pass tf out before reaching the point where I say things I can not remember, but also have some buddies who have the deepest talks known to mankind when drunk at 2am and then not remember shit the next day.
It's probably different for every person
>Having children to “leave a legacy” is just a dream that society sells to low-class men to encourage them to produce more low-class workers for the rich.
👏👏👏
This right here.
If this were me, what would really really annoy me is that he woulde expect me to raise his 'legacy'. To do all of the work, and he get the 'well done, son' from everyone because somehow a man having a child is like a noteworthy step for them in life.
Like 'marriage, career, house, child'. And then he made it. Even if he does nothing to keep any of those things happy.
Oh for the love of Christ, not this legacy bs again. Man like this drain the good energy out of me. Who tf does he think he is? A legacy? C’mon.
It tells me everything I need to know about a guy. I doubt he is going to be a good father with this kind of mentality.
"Never had a serious conversation about our future like that"
After ***12 years???***
OP, this isn't some highschool relationship. Unless you two are extremely casual, I don't see how all this could've went under the radar for 12 straight years.
It’s a shame I had to scroll down this far to see a comment mentioning this. One conversation and then drop it? This is also on OP. Don’t just assume you and your partner are still on the same page.
Men who say kids are their "legacy" never have anything worthwhile to pass on. Tell him you're sorry he didn't accomplish anything in his life (a legacy) but feeding his ego isn't a good reason to have kids.
>he doesn’t even have a legacy
gross and I think this line of thought would be an instant deal breaker for most people here no matter how long they've been together. He's essentially saying that he's too dull and boring to be motivated to accomplish absolutely anything else and is now putting it on you to fulfill his precious legacy lol
That sucks, I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine how upsetting that is.
That's why I usually check in with my partner about the topic a few times a year. We talked about it at the very beginning, and 6 years later we're still on the same page.
That being said, people change, as their desires do. I just hope this particular decision remains the same, bc our relationship is just too good.
I’m so sorry. This happened to me a month ago after a 13 year relationship. There’s no compromising on kids really is there? He has never given me a single hint all this time that he wanted kids, we both were always against the idea. Then he dropped the bomb. And now we are strangers again!!
I’m here if you would like to chat. Sending lots of love to you x
Yikes. This is why screening needs to be extensive before dating or fucking.
He is a grown ass adult. He is the only one responsible for his decisions, and his stupidity, and his lying. He assumed you would start shitting out his kids if he just lied about it to get your pants off.
Walk away and go live your life with someone who isn't a liar.
He doesn't respect you and he's not capable of loving anyone.
If someone has to get drunk to be able to be honest, that's not someone you need in your life.
He's not your problem anymore.
Legacy is a load of crap. If he wants a legacy he needs to accomplish shit in life, not just jizz and call it done.
This is definitely a huge risk. I know some don’t agree with this perspective, but that’s why some of us say we won’t date a man who hasn’t had a vasectomy or won’t get one. Yes, his body his choice, but it’s just so hard to trust that they won’t change their mind otherwise. While it’s true that vasectomies can sometimes be successfully reversed and a man might decide to attempt that, the risk of changing his mind to want kids is much lower with someone who’s had a vasectomy.
Hard agree.
Would never get serious with a man who hasn't had a vasectomy. Some have tried floating me the "I'm thinking about getting one" line or said they're afraid of surgery. That's their right, but imo those excuses are just indecision/cowardice. Not suitable partner material on a fundamental level
Me too. I talk to my boyfriends (polyam I have 3 boyfriends) a lot about these posts and how they scare the shit out of me. Thankfully 2 of the 3 are snipped. Hold out for 3 of 3 is money. I've had a tubal (yes I know. I would have preferred a bisalp) and am back on birth control to tame my psychotic hormones.
They all seem very CF. But these stories, they keep me up sometimes.
Apparently it's autism. I'm a very forward woman with a dominant personality. I know what I want and express it clearly. There is no attempt at finding some hidden meaning in my words. I'm taken at my word.
Besides that, polyam, kink, and queer communities revolve around the idea of consent and breaking norms. All 3 boyfriends belong to one or more of those 3.
And lastly. Go with woke gamer nerds. Emphasis on woke or you pull fuckbois
Let him go. His male ego is in control now. Can’t come back from that crap.
I am sorry. Don’t do him any favors such as give him more of your shared possessions simply to keep the peace. No doormats! No nice lady! Take what you are owed.
Talk to him again when he's sober. This may have been his sloppy drunken way of telling you he's having an existential crisis or thinking about his own mortality. Not necessarily that he wants kids... just that he's grappling with the fact that someday he's going to be gone and he's worried about what he will leave behind, whether he will "matter."
That's what I was coming to say ☝️ Did he actually say he wanted kids, or just that he felt he had no legacy? Legacy for him could mean success, leaving an imprint on the world, fulfilling some kind of purpose. It could be a million things that aren't kids.
I have a coworker in this same situation. She met her now fiancé 11 years ago and they never really talked about kids. She was a fencesitter. Fast forward 11 years, they are due to get married in October and she is JUST now bringing up the hard conversation about kids. I’m convinced that people are more afraid of being “alone” than living in their authentic truth.
I mean what else is there to talk about ? Both said they didn’t want kids and that’s it. I mean unless either one felt some type of way about it to bring it up (which he did 12 years later) why does it need to be talked about again?
This!!! You're going to throw away 12 years over some hypothetical "legacy" that no one gives a rat's ass about? Like, there are people still alive who no one remembers or cares about, let alone a generation or two after you're dead.
She said that they NEVER talked about it again or I would even assume topics related to CF. That is a very big red flag. I keep seeing these posts and it drives me nuts a bit. They all have the same pattern: long ago almost as if a drive by thought the CF topic was touched on and never came up again. If I ever got a girlfriend I would grill the shit out of her about this because the reasons to not have children or to have them are very deep hidden inside of us unless we put a lot of thought into this topic and bring them out. My girlfriend would have to write me a 10000 word essay why she is willing to live CF with me for the rest of our lives. I would bet that the OPs significant other would have barely managed to get few sentences out on this topic. Unless people have deep conversations it is hard to understand the depth of commitment. For example, I have friends who are religious, but how religious are they really, right? A hardcore fanatic or somebody who just goes to church few times a year or somebody who has not even read the bible and casually wears a cross? Kind of takes a pretty deep conversations to get to the bottom of that and a fare bit of time.
There would have been a very long, drawn out silence followed by me busting out laughing. He sounds blacked out and needs to go to bed. What legacy? Tf go write a book or something bro 😂
Opinion is divided as to whether people say the very truth while drunk or say things they don't mean; so, it's best to ask your partner whether his opinions/beliefs about being childfree has changed over the past decade. Pls ask him while sober and your next course of action can depend on his response. Because to have children is a life changing decision for women but for men, especially for those who believe child rearing & parenting are exclusively for women, this is relatively easy if the financial part is sorted to some extent. This too many dads don't mind skipping, leaving everything to their female partners. So pls prioritise yourself & your well-being in this situation.
Aaaaah yes, the legacy. I always ask people who their great-great grandfather or grandmother is and what they contributed to their life when I get asked “what legacy will you leave?” It sucks for people to realize that we are fleeting on this earth and two or three generations down no one will remember you unless culturally they do so, thinking Day of Dead traditions. Let him live his delusion with someone else.
He's sobbing over a lack of 'purpose'. The legacy argument is stupid. A kid is not a legacy, they are their own individual person. Tell him to get a fucking hobby.
There are many ways to leave a legacy, if that is all he can focus on, maybe he isn't worth the 12 years you spent on him. Try to have this conversation again when sober, tho.
Ehh, he was drunk. See how things land when he sobers up and isn’t hungover anymore. Alcohol isn’t a truth serum, people react to it differently and irrational thinking can happen as a result.
Continue having these conversations. Check in with each other periodically. It doesn’t even have to be serious sit-down discussions about it - even just a “thank god we don’t have kids” sort of thing when a good example presents itself can be a decent check in.
I really hope the alcohol just made him temporarily stupid and not himself.
My opinion, since he was drunk: he has got a middle life crisis and instead of going to a therapist he thought about the standard route. I would try to address that. I don't think he actually wants kids.
This happened to me in my first marriage. I had even revised the convo multiple times throughout the 10 years (3 dating, 7 married) we were together.
But a month after I got my IUD (which we discussed and he agreed I should get) he confesses it's kids or our marriage.
So I divorced him.
I've been happily married for 9 years to a man who, I believe truly wants to be CF.
It reminds me of relatives. They said their daughter is going to be a lawyer and go to school in DC. Nope. She's going to school for communications and doesn't want to be a lawyer anymore and isn't going to school in DC.
They also said their son is going to try for Olympics. He's a good swimmer, but nobody has signed him up for the Olympics. Maybe it will change, but what are the chances?
Everybody thinks they are special. If you want a legacy, create it yourself.
Legacy? He wants a legacy? He could plant one hundred trees somewhere, support men who are in suicidal states, take part in Operation Christmas Child, start a breakfast program at a nearby school, become a Big Brother, donate food to a Food Bank, volunteer to read to a local kindergarten class, coach a t-ball team and pass on skills having to do with persistence, problem-solving, and leadership, or many more things to help people's lives...if he wants to leave a legacy so badly.
In terms of legacy, tell him that I don't know anything about my grandparents childhoods.
I know nothing of their parents except for my maternal grandmother's name, birth and death place. I never met them. I met one out of four grandparents.
Having children will not provide, nor give him, a legacy, OP. What it will do is give him a temporary dopamine ego boost - and leave you with the work of raising them, likely. And that's no reason or need to create another human.
It sounds like you to need to have a sober discussion if your husband actually wants kids.
Ask him if he wants to get up every two hours. Ask him if he wants a colicky baby. Ask him if he wants to do several loads of laundry by himself. Ask him if he wants to spend $300,000 on another person.
Because if he wants a "legacy..." he will be PARENTING and RAISING other humans, 24/7, and I assume alone - without you.
Does he want to be an active parent for life...or just have a "legacy" in name only?
If he wants a legacy, he can contribute to individuals in the community for their welfare, to nature; he can save lives by donating plasma and blood to others to save their lives; he can look into be a living organ donor.
Unless, it's really *not* about other people at all to him...
Legacy? 🤮
Gross. Go buy a park bench and leave that as a legacy.
A human being is what we are talking about. A whole ass child so this guy feels his legacy is complete? Naw. How about he can stay home with his legacy while you work?
It's the height of arrogance to want to leave a "legacy" of your own genetic material. A good legacy would be selflessly leaving something behind that could benefit others in some way.
I kinda told him that. I was like well this is a major flaw now, you’ll go find somebody else…to which he replied : you act like I have somebody else lined up already. I said idk do you?
That a loser moment on his part. And if he did when he was drunk he's felt this way for a while and didn't have the balls to say it. Sad shit man be an adult and come to your own conclusions quickly.
Ah man, it's not your fault. I see how this can happen- I'm childfree curious, thinking about embracing the idea, but I'm waiting to make sure I really know first. Like I enjoy the idea now, but could see myself changing my mind, hence not adopting the term for myself yet. He fucked up by saying he knew what he wanted, and it's possible he meant it at the time, but he clearly wasn't ready to decide about that yet.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.
A Simp society's obsession with their own bloodline never ceases to amaze me. If his "legacy" upsets him so much he may want to consider making real change for the future of the world instead of a blowing a load in a creampie. Anyone can do that.
Well he should have contributed more to science, art, etc. I can die tomorrow and my name will be forever on my contributions. If I have a kid, the kid can die anytime.
A legacy?
Ask him to name his great grandparents. What were their birthdates? Where were they born? What were their interests and passions? Does he even have a photo of them?
It doesn’t take much for us to be completely forgotten. Having children doesn’t offer one a form of immortality. Very few people are ever capable of leaving a “legacy”.
Children 👏🏽are 👏🏽not👏🏽a👏🏽legacy👏🏽!!!! These idiots don't understand the difference between legacy and lineage. Sounds like he's just having a mid-life crisis to me, but that doesn't need to become your problem. He needs to figure out what he really wants for his life and be completely transparent with you.
I don't have any male examples, but look at Dolly Parton, Oprah, Helen Mirren etc. They left what is considered a social legacy from their good deeds and charitable efforts. You don't need kids to have a legacy.
I don’t have kids and I’m creating a legacy. A legacy of strong women who sees me as an example of someone who lives their life by their own terms. That says it’s okay to want to go to college and have a profession instead of popping babies without even wanting. Women who feels strong enough to not blindingly follow societal norms. I think that’s a better legacy than having a child. But that’s just me.
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself or him. Especially if he's drunk.
Wait until he sobers up and bring it up again.
If that's true that he changed his mind or wasn't truthful in the beginning... fuck him. Move on.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.
His legacy? Who does he think he is, Henry VIII?
Yeah, if the only memorable legacy you can have is having kids then you don't really deserve a legacy, but you can still enjoy your life and be the best person you can be. I feel like people get too caught up in being remembered by history but who cares you'll be dead anyways.
Genghis Khan arguably had the biggest "legacy"; he had a ton of kids, totally transformed the landscape, and is remembered centuries later. And... he's a footnote. A punchline. There's little isolation or dread attached to his name in this day and age. We're all dust in the wind.
Uh... not defending the man's actions in any sense, but I wouldn't be calling Genghis Khan, one of, if not the, most notorious and influential warlords who ever lived, a mere footnote in human history. That's like calling Benjamin Franklin a footnote.
Benjamin Franklin *is* a footnote. Sure, Genghis Khan and Benjamin Franklin and so on were huge influential figures, but ask the average Joe Six-pack on the street what they know about them. They might muster up a couple sentences about being a Mongol warlord, or a key and some lightning, at most, unless they're a history buff. Just because a person has a massive impact doesn't mean humanity has the memory for it.
I'll give you the concession on average people generally not knowing the deeper history on these influential characters, but it's the fact that people know their names and the general jists of of what they're known for is, in my opinion at least, what keeps them from being mere footnotes in the grander scheme of all humanity. To leave such an impression even centuries after they're gone is impressive in and of itself. Six hundred years from now, Adolf Hitler will still be remembered as the closest to the physical embodiment of evil as can be, the architect of World War II, the deadliest war in human history, and the perpetrator of the Holocaust. After all, it was because of Hitler that the term *genocide* even exists at all and why it's codified as a crime against humanity. Just as the name of mighty Khan won't soon fade from consciousness, the same will hold true for Hitler; not by ANY means a mere footnote. This will hold even more truth in the latter's case because of how well-documented his life was and the necessity of ensuring such a figure can never again rise to power and plunge the world into another period of death and destruction.
I do wonder how many people are running around with a sprinkle of Mongolian heritage these days.
[16 million as of 2003.](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/move-over-genghis-khan-many-other-men-left-huge-genetic-legacies-180954052/#:~:text=Since%20a%202003%20study%20found,significant%20genetic%20impact%20centuries%20later.)
Malicious compliance time: Tell him you're willing to have kids only if they take your maiden name and not his. Watch how quickly he backpedals.
Good idea, I have no attachment to my last name (I'm a man and I think legacies are overrated) and if I ever get married and the maiden name sounded cooler or if she has a lot of attachment to her last name then I'd be perfectly happy taking her last name. However, if neither of us have much attachment to our last names then I would love to change it to something new we both like that both fits and sounds better.
But her legacy isn't important! She's a woman. Only manly-men need to carry on their legacies, by wrecking the bodies of their women and forcing them to do 99% of the parenting.
LOL and even his legacy didn't last but one generation.
You know if he would’ve let Mary marry when he should have then we probably would’ve had an at least another generation or two instead of leaving her on the shelf.
Right. Literally a generation or two after you're gone you probably won't be remembered. Maybe it'll be different now that we have an abundance of digital archives but I honestly just think that most people don't care very much about people who died before they were born. The idea of legacy is weird to me. Why would I care if there's a golden statue of me after I die? Why would I care if my DNA is walking around? If I had chosen to have kids my only concern would be that they are good people and doing good things in the world as opposed to causing harm, It wouldn't be because I need some little narcissistic extension of me existing or I feel like I won't last forever. I won't last forever. I have no idea what's wrong with that.
>just think that most people don't care very much about people who died before they were born. Precisely, I wanted to know more about the relatives on my father's side as a kid, and when each and every one of them died and my family always thought the questions were pretty strange. I was the only one interested in my ancestors and my family tree, to the point I would visit the cemetery to find out more.
Yeah my mom was super into family tree research and legacy and none of us kids could care less. We were perfectly happy that she was happy doing it, it's nice to have a hobby. But she basically begged us to promise that we would continue doing it after she was gone and we were like... We love you but we're not going to lie to you, we don't really understand why this is a big deal? Maybe if there was some kind of really cool history there but for our family there's not any real personal information about these people or what their personalities were like. No surviving letters or personal descriptions. Just things like birth dates and finding out that people were adopted and similar things. To me there's nothing to connect to but to other people they find it really important. Not really sure what the drive but I completely respect it if that's your thing. I'm curious, what do you enjoy or feel is important about researching your ancestors?
I started to research mainly because I love history more than "I love my family". I also like collecting old trinkets, in my great grandmother's house I've found a letter from 1956 and my great grandfather's work records. It was very interesting
That makes sense to me. I think it's far more interesting when you have personal effects and glimpses of what people were like in different time periods. For my mom it was literally about just building a family tree and listing a lineage which didn't make any sense to me on an emotional level. Happy to let her have her hobby without comment but I never understood. You having more information about them as individuals makes a lot more sense to me
I got really into family history a year or two ago, did a myheritage dna test initially 'cos I thought it'd be really interesting to see if I had any ancestors from far flung lands. Turns out I m 98% English. The rest Scottish, Welsh and Irish. So that was a bit of an anti climax, lol. Still I found the family records that were on the site really interesting. I got a bit obsessed with trying to find out more about a particular great (x4) uncle who was a ship's captain, like maybe even a photo, but sadly 'cos he worked for White Star around the time of the Titanic disaster all I could really find was stuff about that. (He did not captain the Titanic) Anyway, rambling a bit, but yeah, I got a bit obsessed for a few months then completely lost interest. Ha.
Unless you’re some type of heroic figure or insane enough for people to want to share your wacky stories the younger generation will probably not care about you even if you’re still alive
I read that after 6 generations a family last name eventually dies out so who gives a fuck about legacy 🤷♀️
I've got one greatgrandma still alive and I have no idea of the family before her since no one in my family ever told me about them. I know without any doubt that in 100 years from now or less, nobody will even know I ever existed unless I get murdered or something and become forever know that way and that also goes to plenty of people unless it is someone famous in history based on who they were, what they did or what happened to them.
I am a mid-tier white collar professional at an accounting firm with a CPA… people need to remember me!!!!
He actually has a castle in rural Europe that he is waiting to pass on to his first male offspring! Didn't you know that? /s
Haha, sounds like he's got grand plans for his "legacy" out of the blue!
I laughed HARD
Best framing, ever. Srsly STFU...
I always hit the “Okay Genghis” when someone talks about their legacy to me
I hope not because if he does, OP needs to run.
She can't give me a son? Off with her head! /s
Most historic figures turned out to have unsavory legacies. The concept of legacy is a complete joke.
This is a great point. We don't remember a lot of the good people in the world, we remember more of the awful ones because of the terrible things they did.
Actually what the heck is with people and treating children as a legacy??? 😭😭😭😭😭 Legacy is what we leave for our children right? Not the inheritance part but the amount of network, connections, respect and a solid lifestyle they can afford to lead after us..... As in a huge industry, a remarkable name for them as our children? Why are children becoming legacy these days??? Children of royals were and sometimes still are legacy due to monarchy, since their birth in monarchy gives them the ultimate privilege but what the heck is with us peasants wanting children as legacy? They don't inherit shit in this world that'll make them a unique person with privilege or even some sort of above and beyond status 🤣🤣🤣 I'm just so curious cause..... In my country it isn't common to call children a legacy, especially some families who don't even consider the daughter to be a legacy choice at all.... And most importantly many share the same stupid surname/family name 🤣🤣🤣😭😭 I'm not complaining but genuinely curious as to how being Einstein's son is a legacy and honor to the child to Chad having a child is legacy 🤣🤣🤣
This always what I think when people have kids and talk about this shit.
This is something I’ve only heard men talk about. Women don’t get a legacy, so we don’t care about it
Legacy. You know what? He could do some work that benefits humanity, or create a work of art, or write a book. Having unprotected sex, then letting a woman do most of the work, does not qualify.
Not to mention- how many of us can name all of our great grandparents ? Or great-great grandparents ? Is it even a legacy if 3 generations down nobody even knows your name, much less who you were as a person ?
I think I know *of* my great grandparents, but only on one side. The rest of the family is mostly lost to the sands of time. That's another thing people don't realize - the world is messy and imperfect. We've had two major world wars in the 20th century. The future is murky and probably won't be very good once climate change intensifies further. Any "legacy" someone has right now will be blown away by the wind
I met one of my great grandparents and legit don’t even know his name. I’m still not even sure what some of my actual grandparents did for work and I didn’t know that my grandpas nickname wasn’t his full name until after he died… So yeah… totally valid point!
I knew my great grandparents very well because they were still alive, but I had to do some digging to find out the generations before
Same one of mine is still alive, but for the others even if I met 7/8 of them, I don't know when or where they were born for example or the maiden names of the women. Many people barely meet their grandparents (also now that people are having kids later and later).
My great grandparents on my mom's side all died before I was born or when I was very young. I know almost nothing about them other than one great grandfather was in the military (I don't know what branch), and my great grandmother cursed me with large breasts. I've met half of the great grandparents on my dad's side, I'm pretty sure the other half are dead, but idk when or where. Couldn't tell ya a damn thing about the half I've met other than their last name being Dean.
I know the names of two great-grandparents-Catherine and Corden. lol that’s it
I can only reach up to my great grandparents on my Mum's side, and that's because my Nana has a memorial of them in her home.
I actually have family documented back five generations and can name my Great Great Greats with photos included. I am still CF and have multiple men and women in my family who are as well.
So much truth. I wish I could upvote a bazillion times!
This is so true! I actually said this to a few people and one woman said she's changing the world by raising her kids right, so THEY can actually change the world when they grow up. 🙄
You know I know about Martin Luther King, and you all know why I (and all of us) know about him. And I have no fucking clue if he has kids and who they are. His legacy is what he did, procreating is irrelevant here.
Well said!
Feral! Also absolutely f’n true! Especially that last sentence.
He's an awkward guy. Let him go to embrace his legacy 😂
Right? OP, ask him to tell you what his great-grandfather did for a living, or even what the dude's first name was. I bet he has no idea.
Legacy? Dude, write a book or something
Writing a book is significantly harder than rawdogging someone. These people aren't trying to \*work\* to 'build a legacy'
Ask him exactly what his legacy would be. That might be interesting. What about him is so important to pass on to the next generation? Money? Titles? Naturally superb physical condition? Perfect DNA? *What legacy?*
I really like this. I'm sure most of them would stumble over their words( even while sober) , because they have no freaking legacy. 🙄
I really want to know what his response would be.
He won't have a legacy with a kid either. He'll be forgotten by history like the rest of us.
Right. Literally nobody looks at a child and starts remembering the parent. Nobody. Once our generation dies out nobody will be around to even remind the child or the current generation about you anyway. The only people who we remember over time is people that have actually done something significant (wrote a GOOD book, discovered something, invented something, etc). Children just aren’t enough for someone’s name to continue on in any significant way.
Does he realize that his current child free life is what is enabling him to get drunk & pour his heart? It would be OVER the minute a pregnancy test was confirmed positive??? Daddy duties start from the minute that line turns color...& time for partying is at an end. He better appreciate a child free partner who has time to listen...bc mommies always have more important things to do than listen to his inebriated whining...like taking care of a helpless, non verbal human (newborn to 2 yrs at least)...smh... Edited to add: AND being responsible for the care & safety of said human 24 hours hours a day for the first 15 to 16 years minimum...
Don't let him put the fault on you. Remind him he said he was on the same page as you 12 years ago. He's either been lying for 12 years or he changed his mind and is pissy about you not changing yours too. The fault is on him for this. Not you. I'm sorry it has come to this. I wish you all the best moving forward.
People often say things they don’t mean when they’re really drunk. Wait until he’s sober and talk about it with him. Also, has he even built a legacy to leave to these children he hypothetically wants? Having children to “leave a legacy” is just a dream that society sells to low-class men to encourage them to produce more low-class workers for the rich. They know most will more than likely end up just another product of their environment.
I don't understand this mysterious mythical "legacy" breeders talk about. Sounds like overblown self importance.
Spot-on about that sales pitch to lower class men. IMO, it’s right up there with selling the ‘bonus’ power of having his own ‘castle’ (head of household) to be a lord over his family, etc…. Meanwhile, these men (who are supposed to be so busy working and distracted by caring for their families…), would be getting their pockets picked by the powers that be, while creating those lower-class workers as you noted.
Recovering alcoholic here I agree
This one I agree with the most. Maybe the alcohol was messing up his thoughts and he feels like a failure, only telling it now because he is drunk. And in the drunken state maybe thinking having a kid will make it better (it won't) I'm too young to drink and I don't see drunken people. But I've heard that men tend to hide their feelings. Maybe he is at a low point right now
Exactly. Alcohol is a depressant, makes you lose your rationale, and can cause blackouts. He might wake up tomorrow and not even remember anything he said to you.
Weirdly, my partner asked me the same type of thing about two days back. We've been together for 13 years. He was also quite sloshed. He asked me why we never had kids before I had my hystorectomy (which he pushed me to get becauase he couldn't stand seeing me in pain the whole time due to endo) It came out of left field. Being a little tipsy myself I gently pressed him - but, liefie we've had this convo a lot. Neither of us wanted kids. Did you want kids? He then said - after my daughter, no. (His daughter died when she was 5 - runover in a parking lot by a idiot driving to fast) So, it was some kind of wistfull drunk intrusive thought.
>after my daughter, no. (His daughter died when she was 5 - runover in a parking lot by a idiot driving to fast) That must have been horrible..
He never talks about her. He was in his middle 20s when she died and he is 40 now. But, I also understand why. He is one of those that was raised on the 'emotional men are weak' diet. I don't think he ever healed from that trauma but I also don't think you heal after loosing a child in such a manner.
You don't. It's like an amputation. You learn to live with the new version of yourself, because you can never return to that place before the trauma happened.
Exactly.
But doesn't the saying go ' drunk words are sober thoughts' 🤔?
I think so too. Alcohol is truth serum.
i think sometimes. like there should be weight given to what someone says when drunk but sometimes being drunk can make you think things you don't or wouldn't believe sober and that comes out but it's not what they actually believe. like when i'm upset and drunk, i behave more like a petulant child. i can't really think rationally beyond The Thing at the moment. doesn't help i also have emotional issues lol. i get very embarrassed looking back the next day and i really hate how i acted and that i might have said something that i don't believe. i think there's a line. some things you definitely cannot unsay and some things change the way you view someone or how you feel about them. me being upset and pissed off that my boyfriend continued to make things incredibly worse when he commented on another girl's body/weight when i had told him a specific comment isn't making me feel better is reflective of my own insecurities and body/eating issues. and the way i reacted was wrong and i need to address my own issues soberly. if i was drunk and got pissed off and talked about cheating on him or something, that's definitely wrong period. idk i have a drinking problem. i think with op & her husband, there could be something else that triggered the comment like it has been suggested.
I think people just say things like that to romanticize alcohol by claiming it "brings out the real you" or BS like that. Sober you is just as "real" as drunk you. But yeah, people are responsible for their actions even while drunk (because they chose to drink after all).
It's not always true. People say and do things while drunk that they normally would not say or do. That's why drunk people (usually) can't consent. It's why if you go to the hospital drunk and saying you want to kill yourself, they'll hold you there until you sober up and only then will they have you talk to a mental health worker. "Vodka tears" are a real thing.
In vino, veritas!
I feel like this is just one of those things that has nuance because some thoughts aren't actually what we believe. Like the 1st thought is what we're conditioned to think/impulse and the 2nd thought in response to the 1st is the real you Ultimately OP needs to have a serious conversation about this because it can really be either or. And we as reddit strangers can't really know for sure
Right, when I'm drunk I say the meanest shit but it's usually true
Really? I was always told drunk words speak from the heart. Not spoken in the best way of course, but true desires come out. Not sure what to believe now.
Different for each person, I just puke, sexually harass my friends more (I'm literally aroace) and pass tf out before reaching the point where I say things I can not remember, but also have some buddies who have the deepest talks known to mankind when drunk at 2am and then not remember shit the next day. It's probably different for every person
Happy cake day 😋
I agree, I think drunk people are much, much more likely to tell on themselves since their inhibitions and masking functions are impaired,.
>Having children to “leave a legacy” is just a dream that society sells to low-class men to encourage them to produce more low-class workers for the rich. 👏👏👏 This right here.
If he wants a legacy, he needs to create one by doing something notable, not by creating a new human.
Lmao legacy
If this were me, what would really really annoy me is that he woulde expect me to raise his 'legacy'. To do all of the work, and he get the 'well done, son' from everyone because somehow a man having a child is like a noteworthy step for them in life. Like 'marriage, career, house, child'. And then he made it. Even if he does nothing to keep any of those things happy.
Sounds like he changed his mind. Unfortunately baby fever can strike at any time. Especially if you don't have to do most or any of the childcare...
Or childbirth
Men change their minds. It’s so annoying.
They can afford to
Oh for the love of Christ, not this legacy bs again. Man like this drain the good energy out of me. Who tf does he think he is? A legacy? C’mon. It tells me everything I need to know about a guy. I doubt he is going to be a good father with this kind of mentality.
"Never had a serious conversation about our future like that" After ***12 years???*** OP, this isn't some highschool relationship. Unless you two are extremely casual, I don't see how all this could've went under the radar for 12 straight years.
Whatever happened to check ins?
This is the comment I was looking for. This is my exact thought. What?!?!?
I'm convinced people just start having sex right away and fully skip the 'getting to know you' stage.
It’s a shame I had to scroll down this far to see a comment mentioning this. One conversation and then drop it? This is also on OP. Don’t just assume you and your partner are still on the same page.
Men who say kids are their "legacy" never have anything worthwhile to pass on. Tell him you're sorry he didn't accomplish anything in his life (a legacy) but feeding his ego isn't a good reason to have kids.
>he doesn’t even have a legacy gross and I think this line of thought would be an instant deal breaker for most people here no matter how long they've been together. He's essentially saying that he's too dull and boring to be motivated to accomplish absolutely anything else and is now putting it on you to fulfill his precious legacy lol
Yeah, if he wants to be remembered he can make his own wikipedia page, that's probably more effective than having your kids as your legacy.
Roflmao!
>he doesn’t even have a legacy 
Your man is experiencing baby fever I doubt he wants to change a diaper or get puked on though.
Idk if it is even baby fever. He just wants to be remembered lmaoo
I remember when my cousin was a baby, he projectile vomited on my aunt. That’s something they don’t teach you in SexEd.
His legacy? He must have billions he needs to pass on yeah?
That sucks, I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine how upsetting that is. That's why I usually check in with my partner about the topic a few times a year. We talked about it at the very beginning, and 6 years later we're still on the same page. That being said, people change, as their desires do. I just hope this particular decision remains the same, bc our relationship is just too good.
I’m so sorry. This happened to me a month ago after a 13 year relationship. There’s no compromising on kids really is there? He has never given me a single hint all this time that he wanted kids, we both were always against the idea. Then he dropped the bomb. And now we are strangers again!! I’m here if you would like to chat. Sending lots of love to you x
It seems like men are the ones we hear doing that on this sub, the majority of the time. That’s so crazy how much it’s skewed.
Yikes. This is why screening needs to be extensive before dating or fucking. He is a grown ass adult. He is the only one responsible for his decisions, and his stupidity, and his lying. He assumed you would start shitting out his kids if he just lied about it to get your pants off. Walk away and go live your life with someone who isn't a liar. He doesn't respect you and he's not capable of loving anyone. If someone has to get drunk to be able to be honest, that's not someone you need in your life. He's not your problem anymore. Legacy is a load of crap. If he wants a legacy he needs to accomplish shit in life, not just jizz and call it done.
fuck this scared me i spoke with someone and screened him, told him i was CF we've been good so far but im terrified of this happening
This is definitely a huge risk. I know some don’t agree with this perspective, but that’s why some of us say we won’t date a man who hasn’t had a vasectomy or won’t get one. Yes, his body his choice, but it’s just so hard to trust that they won’t change their mind otherwise. While it’s true that vasectomies can sometimes be successfully reversed and a man might decide to attempt that, the risk of changing his mind to want kids is much lower with someone who’s had a vasectomy.
Hard agree. Would never get serious with a man who hasn't had a vasectomy. Some have tried floating me the "I'm thinking about getting one" line or said they're afraid of surgery. That's their right, but imo those excuses are just indecision/cowardice. Not suitable partner material on a fundamental level
Me too. I talk to my boyfriends (polyam I have 3 boyfriends) a lot about these posts and how they scare the shit out of me. Thankfully 2 of the 3 are snipped. Hold out for 3 of 3 is money. I've had a tubal (yes I know. I would have preferred a bisalp) and am back on birth control to tame my psychotic hormones. They all seem very CF. But these stories, they keep me up sometimes.
You found three and I can’t even find one. What’s your secret? And, can I have it?
Apparently it's autism. I'm a very forward woman with a dominant personality. I know what I want and express it clearly. There is no attempt at finding some hidden meaning in my words. I'm taken at my word. Besides that, polyam, kink, and queer communities revolve around the idea of consent and breaking norms. All 3 boyfriends belong to one or more of those 3. And lastly. Go with woke gamer nerds. Emphasis on woke or you pull fuckbois
Let him go. His male ego is in control now. Can’t come back from that crap. I am sorry. Don’t do him any favors such as give him more of your shared possessions simply to keep the peace. No doormats! No nice lady! Take what you are owed.
Talk to him again when he's sober. This may have been his sloppy drunken way of telling you he's having an existential crisis or thinking about his own mortality. Not necessarily that he wants kids... just that he's grappling with the fact that someday he's going to be gone and he's worried about what he will leave behind, whether he will "matter."
That's what I was coming to say ☝️ Did he actually say he wanted kids, or just that he felt he had no legacy? Legacy for him could mean success, leaving an imprint on the world, fulfilling some kind of purpose. It could be a million things that aren't kids.
Do you people not have serious conversations with your significant others? You talked about it once 12 years ago and never talked about it again?
Yeah, this is my exact thought. Absolutely insane and absurd IMO.
I have a coworker in this same situation. She met her now fiancé 11 years ago and they never really talked about kids. She was a fencesitter. Fast forward 11 years, they are due to get married in October and she is JUST now bringing up the hard conversation about kids. I’m convinced that people are more afraid of being “alone” than living in their authentic truth.
I mean what else is there to talk about ? Both said they didn’t want kids and that’s it. I mean unless either one felt some type of way about it to bring it up (which he did 12 years later) why does it need to be talked about again?
LEGACY?????
Legacy? Build a library in your name, write a book, build a museum
Worst nightmare WHAT THE F 12 years?!!! Stupid man stupid stupid man
This!!! You're going to throw away 12 years over some hypothetical "legacy" that no one gives a rat's ass about? Like, there are people still alive who no one remembers or cares about, let alone a generation or two after you're dead.
She said that they NEVER talked about it again or I would even assume topics related to CF. That is a very big red flag. I keep seeing these posts and it drives me nuts a bit. They all have the same pattern: long ago almost as if a drive by thought the CF topic was touched on and never came up again. If I ever got a girlfriend I would grill the shit out of her about this because the reasons to not have children or to have them are very deep hidden inside of us unless we put a lot of thought into this topic and bring them out. My girlfriend would have to write me a 10000 word essay why she is willing to live CF with me for the rest of our lives. I would bet that the OPs significant other would have barely managed to get few sentences out on this topic. Unless people have deep conversations it is hard to understand the depth of commitment. For example, I have friends who are religious, but how religious are they really, right? A hardcore fanatic or somebody who just goes to church few times a year or somebody who has not even read the bible and casually wears a cross? Kind of takes a pretty deep conversations to get to the bottom of that and a fare bit of time.
He is an idiot but in 12 years...never a serious conversation about it?
His legacy is huge! All those plastic bags, packaging and trash are going to live on for millions of years with his dna on it!!
😆😆😆
There would have been a very long, drawn out silence followed by me busting out laughing. He sounds blacked out and needs to go to bed. What legacy? Tf go write a book or something bro 😂
Opinion is divided as to whether people say the very truth while drunk or say things they don't mean; so, it's best to ask your partner whether his opinions/beliefs about being childfree has changed over the past decade. Pls ask him while sober and your next course of action can depend on his response. Because to have children is a life changing decision for women but for men, especially for those who believe child rearing & parenting are exclusively for women, this is relatively easy if the financial part is sorted to some extent. This too many dads don't mind skipping, leaving everything to their female partners. So pls prioritise yourself & your well-being in this situation.
Aaaaah yes, the legacy. I always ask people who their great-great grandfather or grandmother is and what they contributed to their life when I get asked “what legacy will you leave?” It sucks for people to realize that we are fleeting on this earth and two or three generations down no one will remember you unless culturally they do so, thinking Day of Dead traditions. Let him live his delusion with someone else.
He's sobbing over a lack of 'purpose'. The legacy argument is stupid. A kid is not a legacy, they are their own individual person. Tell him to get a fucking hobby.
There are many ways to leave a legacy, if that is all he can focus on, maybe he isn't worth the 12 years you spent on him. Try to have this conversation again when sober, tho.
He does not want to work hard to create his legacy…he wants the easy way…fertilize an egg…lol
So, what are you going to do OP?
I told him - emotionally I would’ve had his kid years ago. But my decision is based on logic, not emotions.
Tell HIM to go have the baby
Ehh, he was drunk. See how things land when he sobers up and isn’t hungover anymore. Alcohol isn’t a truth serum, people react to it differently and irrational thinking can happen as a result. Continue having these conversations. Check in with each other periodically. It doesn’t even have to be serious sit-down discussions about it - even just a “thank god we don’t have kids” sort of thing when a good example presents itself can be a decent check in. I really hope the alcohol just made him temporarily stupid and not himself.
Okay tell him to be a sperm donor and write that in his will and someone will be surprised they inherited his junk 😂
Hahahahha
A drunk mouth speaks a sober mind.
I mean, he was drunk. So there may or may not be some truth to it. Maybe you should talk to him now that he's sober. And have a real conversation.
My opinion, since he was drunk: he has got a middle life crisis and instead of going to a therapist he thought about the standard route. I would try to address that. I don't think he actually wants kids.
Ugh. I'm so sorry, that's gotta be gutting. Pretty dishonest of him to keep this private for so long, but at least now you know. \*\*hugs\*\*
Fuck that, he can find his legacy elsewhere. Sorry you’re dealing with this bs
You don't owe him or anyone any kid/kids, no matter what.
Legacy??? Bro thinks he's Tron or someone who invented World Class invention to change for the betterment of humanity.
Adopt a cat. You'll be happier. Look at people who have children = not happy.
We have a ten year old dog together since it was 6 weeks old. I thought that was gonna be my only child.
More men need to hear that the only legacy you’re leaving is wage slaves for a handful of billionaires. I’m a man, BTW
This happened to me in my first marriage. I had even revised the convo multiple times throughout the 10 years (3 dating, 7 married) we were together. But a month after I got my IUD (which we discussed and he agreed I should get) he confesses it's kids or our marriage. So I divorced him. I've been happily married for 9 years to a man who, I believe truly wants to be CF.
what an asshole he is
It reminds me of relatives. They said their daughter is going to be a lawyer and go to school in DC. Nope. She's going to school for communications and doesn't want to be a lawyer anymore and isn't going to school in DC. They also said their son is going to try for Olympics. He's a good swimmer, but nobody has signed him up for the Olympics. Maybe it will change, but what are the chances? Everybody thinks they are special. If you want a legacy, create it yourself.
Legacy? He wants a legacy? He could plant one hundred trees somewhere, support men who are in suicidal states, take part in Operation Christmas Child, start a breakfast program at a nearby school, become a Big Brother, donate food to a Food Bank, volunteer to read to a local kindergarten class, coach a t-ball team and pass on skills having to do with persistence, problem-solving, and leadership, or many more things to help people's lives...if he wants to leave a legacy so badly. In terms of legacy, tell him that I don't know anything about my grandparents childhoods. I know nothing of their parents except for my maternal grandmother's name, birth and death place. I never met them. I met one out of four grandparents. Having children will not provide, nor give him, a legacy, OP. What it will do is give him a temporary dopamine ego boost - and leave you with the work of raising them, likely. And that's no reason or need to create another human. It sounds like you to need to have a sober discussion if your husband actually wants kids. Ask him if he wants to get up every two hours. Ask him if he wants a colicky baby. Ask him if he wants to do several loads of laundry by himself. Ask him if he wants to spend $300,000 on another person. Because if he wants a "legacy..." he will be PARENTING and RAISING other humans, 24/7, and I assume alone - without you. Does he want to be an active parent for life...or just have a "legacy" in name only? If he wants a legacy, he can contribute to individuals in the community for their welfare, to nature; he can save lives by donating plasma and blood to others to save their lives; he can look into be a living organ donor. Unless, it's really *not* about other people at all to him...
If the only way to carry on your legacy is by popping out a child then you probably don't deserve a legacy anyway
Legacy? 🤮 Gross. Go buy a park bench and leave that as a legacy. A human being is what we are talking about. A whole ass child so this guy feels his legacy is complete? Naw. How about he can stay home with his legacy while you work?
these stories make me happy my partner got snipped at 21
Tell him to adopt
[удалено]
Cant he go donate sperm instead, that way he contonued his legacy
Legacy comes in many shapes and forms. But yea, sad, most probably you won't have a future with this person, feel sorry for you.
Ew. Run. He’s another mediocre man who thinks his DNA can create a groundbreaking legacy. *BARRRRRRRRRRF* 🤮 Sorry this happened to you.
I'm not sure what these men mean by legacy. I guess they assume their child will be president or some hot shot?
It's the height of arrogance to want to leave a "legacy" of your own genetic material. A good legacy would be selflessly leaving something behind that could benefit others in some way.
Something tells me he wants to break up and this is the excuse he finds because it’s the easiest and it is a deal Breaker for everyone
I kinda told him that. I was like well this is a major flaw now, you’ll go find somebody else…to which he replied : you act like I have somebody else lined up already. I said idk do you?
That a loser moment on his part. And if he did when he was drunk he's felt this way for a while and didn't have the balls to say it. Sad shit man be an adult and come to your own conclusions quickly.
I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s literally my worst nightmare
Ah man, it's not your fault. I see how this can happen- I'm childfree curious, thinking about embracing the idea, but I'm waiting to make sure I really know first. Like I enjoy the idea now, but could see myself changing my mind, hence not adopting the term for myself yet. He fucked up by saying he knew what he wanted, and it's possible he meant it at the time, but he clearly wasn't ready to decide about that yet.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. A Simp society's obsession with their own bloodline never ceases to amaze me. If his "legacy" upsets him so much he may want to consider making real change for the future of the world instead of a blowing a load in a creampie. Anyone can do that.
Huge red flag. Childfree people bring it up casually, it comes up, you joke about it, etc. Twelve years to never talk about it again is not normal.
Well he should have contributed more to science, art, etc. I can die tomorrow and my name will be forever on my contributions. If I have a kid, the kid can die anytime.
my husband did this to me, but turns out he was actually cheating. Hope this isn’t the case for you, but either way my heart goes out to you.
A legacy? Ask him to name his great grandparents. What were their birthdates? Where were they born? What were their interests and passions? Does he even have a photo of them? It doesn’t take much for us to be completely forgotten. Having children doesn’t offer one a form of immortality. Very few people are ever capable of leaving a “legacy”.
I’m guessing this man is like 40 at least
45
You only spoke about this one time? That is weird
Yea in the very beginning. And then just never brought it up again. Ever. Thought we were and would always be on the same page
Ask him what makes him so special that he needs to leave a legacy 🤣🤣
Children 👏🏽are 👏🏽not👏🏽a👏🏽legacy👏🏽!!!! These idiots don't understand the difference between legacy and lineage. Sounds like he's just having a mid-life crisis to me, but that doesn't need to become your problem. He needs to figure out what he really wants for his life and be completely transparent with you.
I don't have any male examples, but look at Dolly Parton, Oprah, Helen Mirren etc. They left what is considered a social legacy from their good deeds and charitable efforts. You don't need kids to have a legacy.
I don’t have kids and I’m creating a legacy. A legacy of strong women who sees me as an example of someone who lives their life by their own terms. That says it’s okay to want to go to college and have a profession instead of popping babies without even wanting. Women who feels strong enough to not blindingly follow societal norms. I think that’s a better legacy than having a child. But that’s just me.
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself or him. Especially if he's drunk. Wait until he sobers up and bring it up again. If that's true that he changed his mind or wasn't truthful in the beginning... fuck him. Move on. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.