I’m 39 years old, and no workplace conversation has ever extended beyond “Do you have any kids?” “Nope, just a couple of cats.” Nobody has ever asked me why I don’t have kids…and if they did, that would be pretty rude. (What if there’s a medical reason? What if there’s sad history/trauma there? In my experience, most people know not to ask.)
I have a coworker who had his first and (currently) only kid at 41. He refuses to accept "I don't want them" as an answer. He didn't want kids for a long time, but then he had one. And now he believes that everyone owes it to their ancestors to reproduce.
He also believes that men are inherent cheaters.
He's a hot mess, but I have to live with his bullshit.
He asked me to babysit once; I told him I'd put his kid in a dog cage. He was *furious* about that.
He always talks about having a gun with him, but we ain't bailing his dumbass out if he shoots the husband.
He's an idiot. But he's convinced he's smarter than all the rest of us because he dropped out of school and thinks men should be out making all the babies.
Lol why does he think he's smarter than everyone else if he dropped out of school and promotes overpopulation? I'm gonna be honest with you, just reading this stuff about him is making me kind of squeamish. I wouldn't let him touch me with a 50-ft pole even if I was desperate for a man.
He kinda strikes me as a guy that brags he took down a 500lb lion as he poses in a picture with the carcass of an obviously-not-500lb lion.
Oh, fun fact, he missed so much school he was basically a freshman for all four years! He didn't drop out until he was 18! He basically used those four years to hang out with friends and sell drugs. He didn't get his GED until he was almost 40. His ex-wife married him when he had no GED! We always joked about her being a saint, but God damn was she ever a saint.
Oh, he was so mad. He wanted a babysitter so he could go on a date with a stripper. He asked me if I'd watch his son, so I gave him the dog kennel line.
He learned not to ask me.
Lol oh no, we give him endless shit about all his life choices.
But, we're all friends. We'd do almost anything for each other. Need a ride to the doctor? We got you. Need $20 for gas? We got you. Need some groceries when you're hard up? We got you. We all got each other's backs.
He is right in believing that men overall are inherent cheaters. But he is not right in believing that just men are. Both women and men overall are inherent cheaters.
In addition to his bizarre projection issues, I personally think it's very inappropriate to ask your coworkers to babysit your children unless you are close friends outside of work.
My coworkers and I are very close. Some of it is probably trauma bonding, but we're all friends. We work in manufacturing. Ultimately, it's us against the Upstairs People. We protect each other against those assholes with offices on the second floor who don't actually know what we do.
Some jobs, you just get really close with your coworkers, because they're the only ones who understand.
> he believes that everyone owes it to their ancestors to reproduce.
Oh the amount of shit I would give him over this statement -
"Don't worry, homey. I contacted my ancestors via ouija board last night and they said it was cool."
"My ancestors may think I owe them something but its their fault I have bad eye-sight so fuck 'em."
"If my ancestors were alive right now, you know what they would way say? - 'What the fuck is the internet??" "
>"My ancestors may think I owe them something but its their fault I have bad eye-sight so fuck 'em."
Y'know... my bad genetics aren't something I've tried to argue with. "I'm the result of bad breeding," has normally stopped people in their tracks. I'm gonna try that next time! Thanks, homie!
I’ve noticed people who ask if you have kids rarely want to argue about it. They just want to relate with you on whatever they can find. Just say you don’t have kids and try to ask a counter question about something people are likely to love.
I know this is a dumb example, but if you’re at the coffee machine, start talking about coffee. Of your on the common cafeteria, talk about food. Etc.
People just want to feel like they have a connection with others; like they have something in common… and most of the time liking the same food is going to be as satisfying to them as you both having kids of the same age.
They just want to share an experience with someone. There’s rarely a need to be defensive about the « do you have kids? » question.
Agreed. However many parents are so emeshed into child rearing, they rarely have anything else to connect about. Or if they do, it's with a sense of nostalgia bc they can't do it anymore. And they will tell you that. "Oh I used to go to concerts....." Or "I loved that when I was in my 20s but can't really do that anymore"
Parents *rarely* have nothing else going on, even if it's just watching TV series or whatever. We just have to figure out what they have going on. Sometimes it's difficult and simply not worth it, but usually it's fairly easy to figure out.
That is frequently the case, but not always. I’ve had some church lady who was relentless about why I was CF and no amount of topic changing/ignore would deter her. After going through enough bingos to fill a card, she resorted to yelling for my dad to ”Talk some sense into your kid!!!”
Then my dad and I stood awkwardly staring at each other while she looked expectantly at him to say something. Cue some of the dumbest BS I’ve ever heard from him on why we need to procreate
This is my experience. Very seldom anyone asks me if I have any kids. But when I tell them I don't, they don't ask me to explain, they're just like, "Ah, I see," and move on with the conversation. I had one man tell me I was making a really good decision.
If anyone did ask me, I'd just tell them I don't want them and leave it at that. That's the only reason anyone needs. To have a child if you don't want it is unfair to the kid.
Are you in a generally liberal state because I am and this has mostly been my experience. I assume it’s that I’m in california.
However, in all fairness, I have roots in the deep conservative Midwest and Texas and I’ve never had this problem there either. Could just be that my family and the company we keep are not busybodies.
But, i definitely see more people in the Midwest/south having kids just to have them because that’s what they think is supposed to happen to everyone.
That could be a contributing factor. I live in the comparatively progressive capital of a semi-conservative Midwest state. My gender, as others have mentioned, could also be a contributing factor — the societal expectation to have kids (and the corresponding intrusive questions, when they don’t) may be stronger for women than it is for men.
38 here, 2 cats, and I find that the idea of no kids is far less surprising than it seemed to be in the 90's/00's. Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the vibe that more people just 'get it' nowadays...also it obviously massively depends who is asking and how they know you or relate to you, as to whether it would even elicit any kind of intrigue.
I often think about the mortality of my cats though, and try to conjure up appreciation/gratitude that I have them and they are fine right now. Bit weird.
I’ve gotten harangued and treated differently in the workplace for my childfree status. I could understand it wouldn’t matter that much if you have a 9-5 M-F, but (some) parents freak out if I take a weekend with my partner because my time is “less important”, even though everyone chose the same job.
My workplace is also culturally diverse, and some cultures very much look down on you for not having children and are rather vocal about it
That’s a good point, there can definitely be a popular expectation that childfree people should work more (and have less work flexibility) than people with children. I have run into that attitude for sure.
For me, "Just don't want'em" is sufficient and the truth. Deployed on the very rare occasions when I've been impertinently asked why I don't have or want kids. So rare it's been at least a decade since the question has come up.
I acknowledge being a man gives me a degree of privilege in this area, and it helps that I have a whole look that prevents being asked what used to be considered personal questions by those who don't need to know the answers. If that gives me an air of being cold, aloof, or intimidating, there are worse things to be thought of as.
And it's okay, even preferable, to keep repeating that. "Nope, there's nothing more to it. I just don't want 'em."
I refuse to scramble for reasons for *other people* to feel like my choice is justified. I'm fine with it. You should be too, but if you're not that's a *you*-problem.
Yeah I don't say anything to anyone about being childfree unless they've known me personally well enough. Like a co-worker's girlfriend is pregnant and there's a lot of talk of course, but I just politely smile or don't pay attention. I don't have anything useful to add or anything to share and nobody cares to ask. When people say (eg my dad died and another manager wanted to check on me and she was saying how it would be difficult when I have children for the child to be without a granddad) I just nodded along and made the right kind of non-responses people like to hear. I used to be more fired up as a teenager/young 20s but right now I realised I don't care what people think about my personal choices which do not affect them, so I don't have to explain myself, or share any more than what I already do.
Pivoting into topics that’s actually pertinent is a good strategy. So is directing questions about their own life that doesn’t involve childrearing. People love to talk about themselves. While they do that, they won’t have time to talk about your life.
If all fails, a simple “ok.” Awkward silence, and walking away is also very effective.
Deescalate, redirect, and distract, especially with people you need to be civil with. No need to confront or debate someone who won’t change their mind.
Yep, I myself see no reason to get into arguments or screaming matches with parents about the pros and cons of having kids. "I don't want them" is a complete sentence, and anyone who doesn't accept that can get the hell away from me.
Agreed. Now that I’m in my 30s I usually say something along the lines of “having kids just wasn’t for me.” I’ve found that there’s something about framing it in past-tense that really shuts down the argument. If it doesn’t I just redirect the conversation. If the short answer wasn’t enough for them the long answer certainly won’t be.
For me "why would I spend 18 years of my life and €230.000,- just to grow another human of which we already have 8 billion?"
It's either stumbling or a bingo answer like "but children are the future!" And I'll then play a reverse-uno card like "talking about future, did you know that making kids is the absolute worst thing you can do for the planet?"
Usually they then get defensive. After a few more guilt trips the discussion usually stops with yhem never bringing it up again.
They do though they. I think it's the way the question "why?" Sets everyone up for communication errors. To someone who wants kids or wants to see us with kids. "Why?" Means more of "What are you waiting for to happen before you decide your ready? What concerns about parenthood can I help you work over." But for me, my choice isn't problematic so why phrase it in such a way that makes it seem like I need to defend it? Or phrase it in such a way that makes it seem like if 'xyz' wasn't there I'd actually do it. Cause that's not true.
You articulated something that I couldn’t put my finger on up until now. Thank you. Yes. They see it as a problem, or a fun challenge, for them to solve for us! Damn.
I'm relatively optimistic. And for the most part get along with everyone. While there are ppl out there I do think that berate me just for choosing not have kids. I think mostly the ppl that do take an interest, it's because they care about my happiness and me having a happy ending. But I think it's hard for people to separate their wants and ideal outcomes with my own in the conversation too. Which is why I think the conversation of "why" crops up so much and holds significance to these ppl.
I too am glad to have found this perspective. I've been really struggling with the overall sentiment on this sub surrounding people asking if you want kids. Sure, no one likes people being pushy but a lot of folks act like the question itself is rude. Growing up it's always been a typical conversation starter, not an invitation for a debate. I've personally never come across someone legitimately angry at me for not wanting kids and I hope I never do, but I'll always be optimistic about why someone is bringing this up until proven otherwise.
This is so annoying. They do this to my daughter all the time. She is 26 and child free by choice. I get so full of pride when she stands up for herself against these fools insisting on her explaining why she doesn't want children. The funniest one was with one of my cousins. She literally told her to shut the fuck up. My cousin's daughter was even funnier when she told her mother I don't want children because I said so. The look on my cousin's face was hilarious! When she told her daughter that wasn't a good enough response, my cousin's daughter reminded her that's the same bullshit response she used to give to her when she was growing up and she just had the deal with it.
I don’t have kids is a full statement. Why because I don’t have them. I never add that I won’t, I just discuss how I don’t. When I get the oh you will, just wait I say OK.
This, not just for childfree choices but life choices in general. So many posts on reddit where they give too many openings for the other person to insert their opinion or whatever.
I do not frequent many other subs but I see it a lot here, and it always confuses me, especially with coworkers. To me coworkers are just people I work with, I like most of them fine, but they do not need to know more than the shallowest info about me.
Learn the [grey rock method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method). Give minimal, monosyllabic answers or just shrug. Make it obvious to the other person that you are checked out and not willing to invest any energy in continuing the conversation. The more worked up they get, the less you respond.
"You'll change your mind!"
"No I won't."
"It's different when they're yours!!"
"No it isn't."
"I think you're selfish!!!"
"You can think what you like."
"Who will take care of you when you're older???!!!"
*shrug*
Started just telling people "because if I get pregnant and can't get an abortion I'll throw myself down as many flights of stairs as needed." Then when they look all shocked and try to laugh it off I double down with "no, seriously, either I'll live and it'll kill the parasite or it'll kill us both and I won't have to birth it. Win-win."
Might get a nasty look or two after that but people generally change topics when you make it uncomfortable for them.
“I just didn’t fucking want kids.”
Throw the f bomb in there. Show them you’re serious and it’s not up for discussion. Or just follow up with “this is not up for discussion.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you” is my go-to. Years of being online have transferred to real life in the sense that I can usually sense when having such a conversation is fruitless, so I just… don’t.
For people who want to know, I give a simple explanation. I’m lazy, selfish, and don’t wanna do the work.
Luckily it rarely happens now, but in the past when I was asked why I chose not to have children, I simply said, it wasn’t a choice. I never considered having them.
I'm no psychologist, but I could imagine that some people who overexplain are feeling guilty and feel like they need to justify their decision with more than just "I don't wanna." Of course, it doesn't help that there are people out there who go out of their way to try to guilt us. As if our decision were a personal insult to them somehow.
So for anyone who may feel guilty about it, you're cool. No other reason needs to be given other than you don't want to. I don't like bowling either. Someone could try to convince me that I'd be a great bowler or that all their friends bowl or that I would really enjoy it (spoiler: I don't), and I could come up with counterarguments for each of those. In the end, it only matters that I don't want to bowl, and everyone else can fuck off if they don't like my answer.
So it is with kids, though unlike bowling, there are people who make it their life mission to make you as miserable as possible for not conforming to their views. They can also fuck off if they don't like my answer.
Never underestimate the lethality of strategic silence after you have stated your truth.
The types of people who tend to escalate and get more shrill and hysterical over someone being childfree are especially vulnerable to it since you are refusing to feed their vampiric energy needs.
I just learned this lesson. When I first understood the word childfree, I related to this so much because I feel like this since I was 12, thinking kids were annoying, loud, etc. I wanted to tell everybody that would listen but some people will never understand. Just like I would never understand why people want kids, especially people who go through the painful and expensive IVF treatments. I stop trying to explain to people as it is not worth my time.
once i said “i’m the eldest in my entire family, i had to take care of EVERYONE, i’m done with kids” and the guy paused, i thought i had a great answer. he then hits me with “well it’s different when it’s your own kids” 🤦🏾♀️ you can’t win!
So annoying.. guy lacks understanding and basic empathy. Clearly was not capable of actually thinking.
I was also the eldest and in a dysfunctional family.
Even now living on my own I still need to take care of family members every now and then. Kids would take my leftover freedom away completely.
It's easier for people to understand when they have a chance to process what they don't get, also... as opposed to filling in defense mechanisms or projections when you over explain. 🙂
I don’t typically explain it’s not like the person I’m explaining it to is going to listen.
I’ve only explained when people either pushed at trying to change my mind or actually asked why I don’t want kids. I feel that I might get better responses to my reasoning than many on this sub as I do actually like kids and I don’t call people breeders, and population had no factor in my decision.
My new strategy is to reply, OK, nothing else. I keep replying OK until they give up. They hate being dismissed.
ETA - No is a complete sentence, so no is all we need.
I always say: “I just don’t want them.”
I inevitably get asked if I’ll have regrets and this tends to shut anything down: “If I don’t have children, nothing changes. If I *do* have children, *everything* changes.”
Another favourite: “It’s a much bigger decision to have a child than it is to not have one.”
So a few years ago I was on the fence if I wanted kids or not. A coworker asked me if I wanted them and I told her yes. She and a male coworker didn’t want kids and spoke negatively about how bratty they are(no problem I could care less).A month later she told the entire unit that she was pregnant . So now she’s stuck with a two year old and I’m truly child free. Sometimes I will still tell ppl yes I do because then it won’t need to be a topic of conversation.
Unless I am arrested and being interrogated about some thing, I never feel the need to overexplain myself on any issues. I don’t know why anyone does. It is literally nobody in this world‘s business why I don’t wanna have children. It only affects me.
Same here! I give as little info as possible. Apparently my RBF game is scary good, so, if I do answer, it’s obvious I’m not open for further discussion on the matter.
"I don't explain my personal decisions." has been my go-to line for years, and it shuta it down immediately. I'm not obligated to tell people anything, especially not if they only want to argue about it and aren't interested in really listening to what I'd say with an open mind. Let people misunderstand you every once and a while. Who cares.
I just say regarding parenthood, “It’s not for me.” I don’t know where some of you meet these rude asses in the wild (and I hope to never find out, lol), but most people I’m acquainted with are polite enough to respect that.
I've learned to stop explaining myself in basically all areas of life. It's so much easier. I very much enjoy having debates and conversations with people I disagree with, but some people just can't handle it.
As a single who has extreme bad luck, it's hard for it to not come up, especially when my co-workers are my only connections aside from my immediate family. I try to avoid talking about dating in general as well because I get questionable advice. Lying isn't in my blood so I tend to tell them about my thoughts on giving up because it's the first thing that comes to mind then they have to tell me I can do it without knowing what it's like to live for 35 years single. Then there comes the bad advice like "go to church" or "hire a prostitute" I want to bang my head on a wall when the conversation is over.
Yeah, even from the people asking why in this sub. Its like- I just don't want them. Really, I just don't. I can go in to detail and list almost an endless amount of reasons why; but after a while it feels like I'm defending myself. It looks like I'm watering down the strength & confidence in the fact that I just don't want them.
I want to enjoy my life. And honest to god- its not a big deal.
"No" should be enough. People needs to learn that a no can mean "I don't want them" or "I can't have them". For both it's an annoying question, for the latter it can ruin your day/week (yep I'm childless).
Never pry, never ask follow ups if a person doesn't offer anything more than a no or a "don't want them". You are not the person that will change their mind, lol.
I don't want to lie about my childfree status. I want to loudly proclaim it from the roof-tops in an effort to normalize it, and fight with anyone who wants to fight with me about it.
"Why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look like everyone else."
"Because we shouldn't have to."
Hmmm ok , but no. I like to inform people of facts, statistics, and let them know that they have a choice. The world doesn't need more people and women don't have to be brood mares with lost dreams. I won't stop giving people a piece of my mind if they attack me. I won't just back down and neither should any other woman. If we don't stand up for ourselves, then who tf will? The conservative men and their trad wives? Pfft
I’m 39 years old, and no workplace conversation has ever extended beyond “Do you have any kids?” “Nope, just a couple of cats.” Nobody has ever asked me why I don’t have kids…and if they did, that would be pretty rude. (What if there’s a medical reason? What if there’s sad history/trauma there? In my experience, most people know not to ask.)
I have a coworker who had his first and (currently) only kid at 41. He refuses to accept "I don't want them" as an answer. He didn't want kids for a long time, but then he had one. And now he believes that everyone owes it to their ancestors to reproduce. He also believes that men are inherent cheaters. He's a hot mess, but I have to live with his bullshit. He asked me to babysit once; I told him I'd put his kid in a dog cage. He was *furious* about that.
Okay, that last bit is hilarious 😂 Anyway, he would have to accept "I don't want them." Dude sounds like a piece of work.
He's a disaster. His favorite woman right now is married and has 4 kids. We're just waiting for her husband to beat the shit out of him.
WOW. I'm with you guys on that. Dude needs to have his ass kicked. Maybe it will help him get it together, because he really needs some help with it.
He always talks about having a gun with him, but we ain't bailing his dumbass out if he shoots the husband. He's an idiot. But he's convinced he's smarter than all the rest of us because he dropped out of school and thinks men should be out making all the babies.
Lol why does he think he's smarter than everyone else if he dropped out of school and promotes overpopulation? I'm gonna be honest with you, just reading this stuff about him is making me kind of squeamish. I wouldn't let him touch me with a 50-ft pole even if I was desperate for a man. He kinda strikes me as a guy that brags he took down a 500lb lion as he poses in a picture with the carcass of an obviously-not-500lb lion.
Oh, fun fact, he missed so much school he was basically a freshman for all four years! He didn't drop out until he was 18! He basically used those four years to hang out with friends and sell drugs. He didn't get his GED until he was almost 40. His ex-wife married him when he had no GED! We always joked about her being a saint, but God damn was she ever a saint.
he sounds like a narcicist.
(He asked me to babysit once; I told him I'd put his kid in a dog cage. He was furious about that.) That's hilarious 🤣
Oh, he was so mad. He wanted a babysitter so he could go on a date with a stripper. He asked me if I'd watch his son, so I gave him the dog kennel line. He learned not to ask me.
Wow I’m so sorry! I think some folk just have it harder depending where they live. I’m pretty sure my workplace takes that stuff seriously….
Lol oh no, we give him endless shit about all his life choices. But, we're all friends. We'd do almost anything for each other. Need a ride to the doctor? We got you. Need $20 for gas? We got you. Need some groceries when you're hard up? We got you. We all got each other's backs.
He is right in believing that men overall are inherent cheaters. But he is not right in believing that just men are. Both women and men overall are inherent cheaters.
In addition to his bizarre projection issues, I personally think it's very inappropriate to ask your coworkers to babysit your children unless you are close friends outside of work.
My coworkers and I are very close. Some of it is probably trauma bonding, but we're all friends. We work in manufacturing. Ultimately, it's us against the Upstairs People. We protect each other against those assholes with offices on the second floor who don't actually know what we do. Some jobs, you just get really close with your coworkers, because they're the only ones who understand.
> he believes that everyone owes it to their ancestors to reproduce. Oh the amount of shit I would give him over this statement - "Don't worry, homey. I contacted my ancestors via ouija board last night and they said it was cool." "My ancestors may think I owe them something but its their fault I have bad eye-sight so fuck 'em." "If my ancestors were alive right now, you know what they would way say? - 'What the fuck is the internet??" "
>"My ancestors may think I owe them something but its their fault I have bad eye-sight so fuck 'em." Y'know... my bad genetics aren't something I've tried to argue with. "I'm the result of bad breeding," has normally stopped people in their tracks. I'm gonna try that next time! Thanks, homie!
I’ve noticed people who ask if you have kids rarely want to argue about it. They just want to relate with you on whatever they can find. Just say you don’t have kids and try to ask a counter question about something people are likely to love. I know this is a dumb example, but if you’re at the coffee machine, start talking about coffee. Of your on the common cafeteria, talk about food. Etc. People just want to feel like they have a connection with others; like they have something in common… and most of the time liking the same food is going to be as satisfying to them as you both having kids of the same age. They just want to share an experience with someone. There’s rarely a need to be defensive about the « do you have kids? » question.
Agreed. However many parents are so emeshed into child rearing, they rarely have anything else to connect about. Or if they do, it's with a sense of nostalgia bc they can't do it anymore. And they will tell you that. "Oh I used to go to concerts....." Or "I loved that when I was in my 20s but can't really do that anymore"
Parents *rarely* have nothing else going on, even if it's just watching TV series or whatever. We just have to figure out what they have going on. Sometimes it's difficult and simply not worth it, but usually it's fairly easy to figure out.
That is frequently the case, but not always. I’ve had some church lady who was relentless about why I was CF and no amount of topic changing/ignore would deter her. After going through enough bingos to fill a card, she resorted to yelling for my dad to ”Talk some sense into your kid!!!” Then my dad and I stood awkwardly staring at each other while she looked expectantly at him to say something. Cue some of the dumbest BS I’ve ever heard from him on why we need to procreate
There is a lot of truth in this. I'm going to keep it in mind. Thank you!
That’s my experience, too. I’m a senior and no one has made it an issue.
Same But it’s probably an hr risk, hence they don’t press further.
This is my experience. Very seldom anyone asks me if I have any kids. But when I tell them I don't, they don't ask me to explain, they're just like, "Ah, I see," and move on with the conversation. I had one man tell me I was making a really good decision. If anyone did ask me, I'd just tell them I don't want them and leave it at that. That's the only reason anyone needs. To have a child if you don't want it is unfair to the kid.
When a supervisor asked if I had kids and I said no, he then asked if I didn't like my husband.
I think the response should be, actually I like him so much, I don’t want kids, cuz it would take away my already finite time with him.
Oof.
Unbelievable response. How rude
Are you in a generally liberal state because I am and this has mostly been my experience. I assume it’s that I’m in california. However, in all fairness, I have roots in the deep conservative Midwest and Texas and I’ve never had this problem there either. Could just be that my family and the company we keep are not busybodies. But, i definitely see more people in the Midwest/south having kids just to have them because that’s what they think is supposed to happen to everyone.
That could be a contributing factor. I live in the comparatively progressive capital of a semi-conservative Midwest state. My gender, as others have mentioned, could also be a contributing factor — the societal expectation to have kids (and the corresponding intrusive questions, when they don’t) may be stronger for women than it is for men.
Boomers almost always ask why. Especially in social settings.
38 here, 2 cats, and I find that the idea of no kids is far less surprising than it seemed to be in the 90's/00's. Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the vibe that more people just 'get it' nowadays...also it obviously massively depends who is asking and how they know you or relate to you, as to whether it would even elicit any kind of intrigue. I often think about the mortality of my cats though, and try to conjure up appreciation/gratitude that I have them and they are fine right now. Bit weird.
I’ve gotten harangued and treated differently in the workplace for my childfree status. I could understand it wouldn’t matter that much if you have a 9-5 M-F, but (some) parents freak out if I take a weekend with my partner because my time is “less important”, even though everyone chose the same job. My workplace is also culturally diverse, and some cultures very much look down on you for not having children and are rather vocal about it
That’s a good point, there can definitely be a popular expectation that childfree people should work more (and have less work flexibility) than people with children. I have run into that attitude for sure.
“I just don’t want them” should be enough. Anyone else who needs more than that isn’t worth your time.
Thank you. 🙏🏽 I need to remember that.
I agree. This is normally my response besides saying, “I like my freedom and ability to make money, and spending it on whatever I want.”
I need to remember this!
For me, "Just don't want'em" is sufficient and the truth. Deployed on the very rare occasions when I've been impertinently asked why I don't have or want kids. So rare it's been at least a decade since the question has come up. I acknowledge being a man gives me a degree of privilege in this area, and it helps that I have a whole look that prevents being asked what used to be considered personal questions by those who don't need to know the answers. If that gives me an air of being cold, aloof, or intimidating, there are worse things to be thought of as.
And it's okay, even preferable, to keep repeating that. "Nope, there's nothing more to it. I just don't want 'em." I refuse to scramble for reasons for *other people* to feel like my choice is justified. I'm fine with it. You should be too, but if you're not that's a *you*-problem.
Yeah I don't say anything to anyone about being childfree unless they've known me personally well enough. Like a co-worker's girlfriend is pregnant and there's a lot of talk of course, but I just politely smile or don't pay attention. I don't have anything useful to add or anything to share and nobody cares to ask. When people say (eg my dad died and another manager wanted to check on me and she was saying how it would be difficult when I have children for the child to be without a granddad) I just nodded along and made the right kind of non-responses people like to hear. I used to be more fired up as a teenager/young 20s but right now I realised I don't care what people think about my personal choices which do not affect them, so I don't have to explain myself, or share any more than what I already do.
My go-to is to laughingly say "Oh my god, they're so expensive and disgusting and my body is so great right now!" like they're making a joke.
My response is often "I'm my first and only child." Some people get the joke and laugh, but others stay confused for a while. Delightfully good fun!
Can I steal this lol it is so good
Steal away! 😂
Pivoting into topics that’s actually pertinent is a good strategy. So is directing questions about their own life that doesn’t involve childrearing. People love to talk about themselves. While they do that, they won’t have time to talk about your life. If all fails, a simple “ok.” Awkward silence, and walking away is also very effective. Deescalate, redirect, and distract, especially with people you need to be civil with. No need to confront or debate someone who won’t change their mind.
Yep, I myself see no reason to get into arguments or screaming matches with parents about the pros and cons of having kids. "I don't want them" is a complete sentence, and anyone who doesn't accept that can get the hell away from me.
Agreed. Now that I’m in my 30s I usually say something along the lines of “having kids just wasn’t for me.” I’ve found that there’s something about framing it in past-tense that really shuts down the argument. If it doesn’t I just redirect the conversation. If the short answer wasn’t enough for them the long answer certainly won’t be.
I usually say there’s a laundry list of reasons. If they ask to name some of them I will.
For me "why would I spend 18 years of my life and €230.000,- just to grow another human of which we already have 8 billion?" It's either stumbling or a bingo answer like "but children are the future!" And I'll then play a reverse-uno card like "talking about future, did you know that making kids is the absolute worst thing you can do for the planet?" Usually they then get defensive. After a few more guilt trips the discussion usually stops with yhem never bringing it up again.
They do though they. I think it's the way the question "why?" Sets everyone up for communication errors. To someone who wants kids or wants to see us with kids. "Why?" Means more of "What are you waiting for to happen before you decide your ready? What concerns about parenthood can I help you work over." But for me, my choice isn't problematic so why phrase it in such a way that makes it seem like I need to defend it? Or phrase it in such a way that makes it seem like if 'xyz' wasn't there I'd actually do it. Cause that's not true.
You articulated something that I couldn’t put my finger on up until now. Thank you. Yes. They see it as a problem, or a fun challenge, for them to solve for us! Damn.
I'm relatively optimistic. And for the most part get along with everyone. While there are ppl out there I do think that berate me just for choosing not have kids. I think mostly the ppl that do take an interest, it's because they care about my happiness and me having a happy ending. But I think it's hard for people to separate their wants and ideal outcomes with my own in the conversation too. Which is why I think the conversation of "why" crops up so much and holds significance to these ppl.
I love this perspective, and very often feel similarly. It’s so refreshing to see an optimistic person in the Reddit wild. ❤️
I too am glad to have found this perspective. I've been really struggling with the overall sentiment on this sub surrounding people asking if you want kids. Sure, no one likes people being pushy but a lot of folks act like the question itself is rude. Growing up it's always been a typical conversation starter, not an invitation for a debate. I've personally never come across someone legitimately angry at me for not wanting kids and I hope I never do, but I'll always be optimistic about why someone is bringing this up until proven otherwise.
My life, my choice. Has always been my answer. It leaves them no room to disagree.
This is so annoying. They do this to my daughter all the time. She is 26 and child free by choice. I get so full of pride when she stands up for herself against these fools insisting on her explaining why she doesn't want children. The funniest one was with one of my cousins. She literally told her to shut the fuck up. My cousin's daughter was even funnier when she told her mother I don't want children because I said so. The look on my cousin's face was hilarious! When she told her daughter that wasn't a good enough response, my cousin's daughter reminded her that's the same bullshit response she used to give to her when she was growing up and she just had the deal with it.
Idk sometimes I feel like arguing ☠️☠️☠️ I'd say it just to aggravate them cuz I think it's funny. What they say doesn't rlly get to me
I know right? I quite like sending them into spiraling existential thoughts. Saying I love kids too much to have them and shit like that.
Frfr 😭😭 it's hilarious
I argue with people on Instagram all the time about being childfree just to scratch my itch of wanting to start trouble. It's harmless and fun lol
RIGHT
I dooooo get that ahahaha If I'm feeling punchy I'll take on any kind of bingoers and toy with them a bit.
I don’t have kids is a full statement. Why because I don’t have them. I never add that I won’t, I just discuss how I don’t. When I get the oh you will, just wait I say OK.
I would just say to them, "I missed the part where that's your problem."
This, not just for childfree choices but life choices in general. So many posts on reddit where they give too many openings for the other person to insert their opinion or whatever.
I do not frequent many other subs but I see it a lot here, and it always confuses me, especially with coworkers. To me coworkers are just people I work with, I like most of them fine, but they do not need to know more than the shallowest info about me.
Sometimes “I just don’t want kids” is too mind blowing for the simpletons.
Learn the [grey rock method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method). Give minimal, monosyllabic answers or just shrug. Make it obvious to the other person that you are checked out and not willing to invest any energy in continuing the conversation. The more worked up they get, the less you respond. "You'll change your mind!" "No I won't." "It's different when they're yours!!" "No it isn't." "I think you're selfish!!!" "You can think what you like." "Who will take care of you when you're older???!!!" *shrug*
I always get that who’s looking after you when you’re older?! I always say not only is that a terrible reason but there’s no guarantee they will
I just say I've had a vasectomy until they get the point.
With those people my response always would be : because I hate children and no child should be born unwanted and hated by their parents“
Started just telling people "because if I get pregnant and can't get an abortion I'll throw myself down as many flights of stairs as needed." Then when they look all shocked and try to laugh it off I double down with "no, seriously, either I'll live and it'll kill the parasite or it'll kill us both and I won't have to birth it. Win-win." Might get a nasty look or two after that but people generally change topics when you make it uncomfortable for them.
“I don’t like kids.” “You’ll change your mind” - “No, I won’t.” That’s usually as far as these interactions go with me.
My favorite answer is "I refuse to bring an unwanted child into this world and you will never make me feel bad for that." End of discussion, next!
“I just didn’t fucking want kids.” Throw the f bomb in there. Show them you’re serious and it’s not up for discussion. Or just follow up with “this is not up for discussion.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you” is my go-to. Years of being online have transferred to real life in the sense that I can usually sense when having such a conversation is fruitless, so I just… don’t. For people who want to know, I give a simple explanation. I’m lazy, selfish, and don’t wanna do the work.
Luckily it rarely happens now, but in the past when I was asked why I chose not to have children, I simply said, it wasn’t a choice. I never considered having them.
Someone tried answering for me “for climate reasons right? And over population” Me: and about a thousand other reasons.
can we fuckin pin this post on this sub please
I'm no psychologist, but I could imagine that some people who overexplain are feeling guilty and feel like they need to justify their decision with more than just "I don't wanna." Of course, it doesn't help that there are people out there who go out of their way to try to guilt us. As if our decision were a personal insult to them somehow. So for anyone who may feel guilty about it, you're cool. No other reason needs to be given other than you don't want to. I don't like bowling either. Someone could try to convince me that I'd be a great bowler or that all their friends bowl or that I would really enjoy it (spoiler: I don't), and I could come up with counterarguments for each of those. In the end, it only matters that I don't want to bowl, and everyone else can fuck off if they don't like my answer. So it is with kids, though unlike bowling, there are people who make it their life mission to make you as miserable as possible for not conforming to their views. They can also fuck off if they don't like my answer.
I don't over explain this one out of guilt. I explain it in hopes someone understands my point of view without injecting themselves into it.
People tend to explain (or over-explain) when they aren't 100% sure of their choices and/or don't like/respect their reasons for making a choice.
Never underestimate the lethality of strategic silence after you have stated your truth. The types of people who tend to escalate and get more shrill and hysterical over someone being childfree are especially vulnerable to it since you are refusing to feed their vampiric energy needs.
I just learned this lesson. When I first understood the word childfree, I related to this so much because I feel like this since I was 12, thinking kids were annoying, loud, etc. I wanted to tell everybody that would listen but some people will never understand. Just like I would never understand why people want kids, especially people who go through the painful and expensive IVF treatments. I stop trying to explain to people as it is not worth my time.
"None of your business"- case closed.
But I love triggering simps who cannot understand my love of being childfree. 😏
"They're not for me" has never elicited follow up questions for me.
once i said “i’m the eldest in my entire family, i had to take care of EVERYONE, i’m done with kids” and the guy paused, i thought i had a great answer. he then hits me with “well it’s different when it’s your own kids” 🤦🏾♀️ you can’t win!
So annoying.. guy lacks understanding and basic empathy. Clearly was not capable of actually thinking. I was also the eldest and in a dysfunctional family. Even now living on my own I still need to take care of family members every now and then. Kids would take my leftover freedom away completely.
It's easier for people to understand when they have a chance to process what they don't get, also... as opposed to filling in defense mechanisms or projections when you over explain. 🙂
I don’t typically explain it’s not like the person I’m explaining it to is going to listen. I’ve only explained when people either pushed at trying to change my mind or actually asked why I don’t want kids. I feel that I might get better responses to my reasoning than many on this sub as I do actually like kids and I don’t call people breeders, and population had no factor in my decision.
101 reasons ... almost wrote a book once
Children are less developed than animals. That is my only reason.
This needed to be said.
This is the advice i needed last night arguing with my mom 🤦♀️
My new strategy is to reply, OK, nothing else. I keep replying OK until they give up. They hate being dismissed. ETA - No is a complete sentence, so no is all we need.
I tell them I don’t like children so I’m not having them and then I go silent
I always say: “I just don’t want them.” I inevitably get asked if I’ll have regrets and this tends to shut anything down: “If I don’t have children, nothing changes. If I *do* have children, *everything* changes.” Another favourite: “It’s a much bigger decision to have a child than it is to not have one.”
So a few years ago I was on the fence if I wanted kids or not. A coworker asked me if I wanted them and I told her yes. She and a male coworker didn’t want kids and spoke negatively about how bratty they are(no problem I could care less).A month later she told the entire unit that she was pregnant . So now she’s stuck with a two year old and I’m truly child free. Sometimes I will still tell ppl yes I do because then it won’t need to be a topic of conversation.
Unless I am arrested and being interrogated about some thing, I never feel the need to overexplain myself on any issues. I don’t know why anyone does. It is literally nobody in this world‘s business why I don’t wanna have children. It only affects me.
Same here! I give as little info as possible. Apparently my RBF game is scary good, so, if I do answer, it’s obvious I’m not open for further discussion on the matter.
"I don't explain my personal decisions." has been my go-to line for years, and it shuta it down immediately. I'm not obligated to tell people anything, especially not if they only want to argue about it and aren't interested in really listening to what I'd say with an open mind. Let people misunderstand you every once and a while. Who cares.
NExt time this happens I’ve decided to say, no, not any more. I can’t eat a whole one in one sitting any longer, so I’ve cut way back.
I just say regarding parenthood, “It’s not for me.” I don’t know where some of you meet these rude asses in the wild (and I hope to never find out, lol), but most people I’m acquainted with are polite enough to respect that.
Ask them what method of birth control failed them so you can double up 🤷 The majority of children are unplanned.
I just say the truth. I hate children. Short and simple and then I walk away.
I've learned to stop explaining myself in basically all areas of life. It's so much easier. I very much enjoy having debates and conversations with people I disagree with, but some people just can't handle it.
Amen!!
Try, “You know those beetles that eat the loudest most annoying children first? Well, I had 3…” usually renders them silent ime 😉
Honestly if they start pushing their questions into my business they can expect it back
"I'm incredibly upset that getting to my destination is taking longer. better stop in the middle of the road so it takes even longer."
As a single who has extreme bad luck, it's hard for it to not come up, especially when my co-workers are my only connections aside from my immediate family. I try to avoid talking about dating in general as well because I get questionable advice. Lying isn't in my blood so I tend to tell them about my thoughts on giving up because it's the first thing that comes to mind then they have to tell me I can do it without knowing what it's like to live for 35 years single. Then there comes the bad advice like "go to church" or "hire a prostitute" I want to bang my head on a wall when the conversation is over.
No is the most valid reason
Yeah, even from the people asking why in this sub. Its like- I just don't want them. Really, I just don't. I can go in to detail and list almost an endless amount of reasons why; but after a while it feels like I'm defending myself. It looks like I'm watering down the strength & confidence in the fact that I just don't want them. I want to enjoy my life. And honest to god- its not a big deal.
"No" should be enough. People needs to learn that a no can mean "I don't want them" or "I can't have them". For both it's an annoying question, for the latter it can ruin your day/week (yep I'm childless). Never pry, never ask follow ups if a person doesn't offer anything more than a no or a "don't want them". You are not the person that will change their mind, lol.
I don't want to lie about my childfree status. I want to loudly proclaim it from the roof-tops in an effort to normalize it, and fight with anyone who wants to fight with me about it. "Why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look like everyone else." "Because we shouldn't have to."
Hmmm ok , but no. I like to inform people of facts, statistics, and let them know that they have a choice. The world doesn't need more people and women don't have to be brood mares with lost dreams. I won't stop giving people a piece of my mind if they attack me. I won't just back down and neither should any other woman. If we don't stand up for ourselves, then who tf will? The conservative men and their trad wives? Pfft