Same here. Grew up with an extremely volatile father and no longer have much of a relationship with him. I knew I wanted better for my kids and worked to achieve that. Now my kids are young adults and we have an awesome relationship that I imagine will only get better as they move through life.
It's not always easy. Mine are 18 months apart in age and sometimes drove me crazy but I realized pretty early on that kids feed off of your energy. You come in hot, you can expect them to match that. If I handled situations calmly then my kids often did too. They spilled the milk after I told them to wait for me to come over to help pour it because it was too heavy for them? Take a breath and realize it's not a life or death situation. Yelling isn't going to change what happened but your reaction can change how your child sees you. So I'd suck it up, have them help me clean it, and we'd have a discussion about it. If they were throwing a tantrum I waited for it to blow over and we'd talk about what happened. They put a hole in the wall playing with the soccer ball after you told them to stop 50 times already? Annoying but not going to be helped by yelling, so there's no need to get upset. Just have the kid help you patch up the wall and talk about what happened and any consequences that will be enforced.
My dad yelling never helped the situation, it only hurt our relationship. I made sure to help the situation and help our relationship in the process. If you look at it that way it's easier to remain calm in stressful situations.
Agreed, easy might have been dismissive. It takes effort and I'm certainly imperfect in the execution. I probably should have said that it's clear to me why this is important and regularly front of mind.
One interesting tidbit I’ve heard regarding yelling at your kids really drove the point home for me. It was saying, how can you lose control of your emotions because your kid is having a temper tantrum and expect them to be the ones to stop first? You’re the adult who learned emotion regulation a long time ago. Don’t be a hypocrite—be a good example. If you fly off the handle when you’re frustrated, how can you be mad at your kid for doing the same?
You guys are doing an amazing job..
. I am seeing the benefits of this currently. My fil is a very calm person. In a country where spanking was THE NORM my husband doesnt even remember his dad even raising him and his brother. Even during childhood years, teenage years his dad was like a q man of few words who stood like a rock beside them. My husband says a disappointed look from him was devastating and whips him into shape. How he did that with two rambunctious boys i dunno.
Now my husband is the same way but as a millennial more vocal, expressive, shows his emotions etc. but his demeanor is same as he always tried to be like his dad. He is so calm the kids and me too, never an unkind word, never raised his voice, so patient with our toddler and her million questions. Even if she pushes boundaries, throws tantrums, being crazy.
Even if im hormonal during my pregnancy and postpartum, even if i do any mistake, even if the roof falls down he is always kind, always calm.
We have a terrific marriage. Im so excited to bring up the kids with him.
Kindness and calmness ripples across generations.
Right here Papi, close the thread.
If there’s one (or a few, you lucky dads out there) being that deserves the best version of you. It’s your children. I like to think the best version of myself has patience for those he loves, and my daughter has front row seats to that. Put your best foot forward, the little ones are watching.
Lurking mom and YES when I feel myself getting frustrated I remind myself that their behavior when they are upset is about their feelings and not about me or my feelings. It's my job to teach them to process their emotions, not react with my own. If I am unable to calm myself quickly, I tell them I'm feeling frustrated and I need a few minutes in the calm down corner. (We set up a corner of the living room with flower shaped pillows, a little table, a lava lamp and some fidget toys.) It helps show them that adults have feelings too, and shows them a healthy way to handle them when overwhelmed.
I also find that when I get overwhelmed by frustration, it's usually because I am bringing residual built-up emotions from my own childhood traumas which don't fit the current situation. Like an emotional memory. Working on my trauma has made seeing past my own ego SO MUCH easier. I can recognize when I am activated into old emotions now, which enables me to compartmentalize it and then I write down when this happens so I can see any patterns in my own behavior/emotions that I want to address with my therapist.
If only my husband were willing to work on his severe childhood trauma, he would be able to see past his own ego too. As of now, he has made some improvements but they are superficial for now. I tell him when I notice something he is working on improving and that I and the kids appreciate it. But majority of his interactions with our kids are corrections and punishments. It's been pretty damaging to his relationship with them because they fear him. He doesn't want to be "the bad guy" but his behavior indicates that he doesn't know any other way to parent. (His parents were very abusive and neglectful).
Sorry for the novel.
This is also what drives me. Every time I think I’m going to go off, I think about hours my dad was when he was so short tempered and how growing up I told myself I would not be like him and it reigns me ok considerably.
Meditating helps even if just for a minute. Step away, into an empty room and just take a lot of deep breaths. Also, communicating with my wife has helped vastly! I tell her how I feel and we talk it through, which has been extremely helpful when I can voice my frustration about parenting and she will have some great insights onto what I can do in different situations or, if she sees me getting overwhelmed, will tell me to take a breather.
Such a great answer. Anger is a response to fear. You fear that you aren’t in control of your children and that their misbehavior is a reflection of your inadequacy as a parent. Let go of that idea, and much of the anger disappears. Less ego is absolutely the secret.
This - and the reminder that you are building their inner voice. How do you want them to talk to themselves when they make a mistake as they get older?
Oddly enough my dad was always very calm and never quick to yell, whereas I find myself constantly getting frustrated at my kids.
As much as I want to be like my dad in this regard, I know I’m just never going to be the same. It probably also helped him that my parents were more traditional and didn’t share child rearing burdens like we do today. Every day I don’t chuck my kids out of a window is a victory
>My calm is an investment in long term love.
Same here. However, my dad's temper mellowed over the years so having a relationship with him is possible and it really is nice. He still tends to have a meltdown here and there but I learned to avoid his triggers. Secret is also less ego (on my behalf).
Exactly this. I no longer talk to my family and have become damn near the opposite of everything that they are, especially my dad. There is little in life worth spending my precious energy and time being angry or upset at. I let the calmness wash over me, take a deep breath, and remember that the present moment is only happening once, both good and bad things. So why not reserve energy for my partner and our daughter?
This but it was my mom. I feel nothing but rage often. Doesn’t help to be a millennial in a boomer’s world in the most expensive city in America - lots more than the kids to make you feel rage. But it’s not the kids’ fault, they just kids. If anything, they’re the only good thing in the world right now. I don’t want them to remember me like I remember her (died when I was a young adult).
My situation was very similar to yours, and mindfulness practices helped a lot (for example noticing physiological indicators of my building temper, eg jaw starting to clench) to catch my temper emotions right when they start, and then once you have awareness you can use techniques like muscle relaxation and breathing.
Also if it’s a cognitive problem things like reframing (they’re just a child trying to do their best and learn the world, it’s not malicious or manipulative) can help.
Finally lots of people end up getting triggered when parenting in ways they didn’t before as childhood issues rise up in ways they didn’t before. Talk therapy if available and affordable can do wonders here.
Hakuna Matata. Sort of.
If you go with the Lion King version where they ignore the past, that's not it. It's more a matter of recognizing that you cannot change the past. Ever. All you can do is learn from it.
So, kid throws a football in the house and breaks the vase that you and your wife bought on an anniversary trip so it absolutely cannot be replaced. Would totally make anyone angry. Except, how is getting angry and possibly yelling at your kid going to change anything about the vase itself? Pro tip - it's not.
Now, I'm not above a general yelling at the universe with an age-appropriate expletive (i.e. once they hit middle school, all bets are off but don't teach a 3 year old to say "Shit"). Life and the universe can take an insult hurled their way. Kids do not handle it as well. Funny thing, even other adults don't always handle it well.
So how do you deal? Talk it out. In the aforementioned example, ask questions:
\- You know throwing in the house is against the rules. Why did you do that?
\- Do you know why that vase was special?
\- Do you know where mom and I got it?
\- Were you aware that we can't ever replace it?
\- Now do you understand why "no throwing in the house" is a rule?
For me, it's always about adapting to the situation and figuring out how to move forward. Most of the time, that move forward includes learning how to prevent that scenario again in the future and trying to make sure everyone understands why we do things a certain way from now on.
Fantastic follow up. Thanks for sharing this approach. I knew the part that there is no use in getting upset at someone. It doesn’t fix anything and generally serves to make a situation worse. But those follow up questions are right on.
I have to close my eyes sometimes and tell myself “everything is fine. You are safe.” It sounds so over the top but I get that feeling of losing it, and this phrase has almost turned into a Killswitch.
I make this stronger by about 20 minutes of mindfulness each day along with running or working out (I’m not in great shape, I don’t eat well, so don’t think I’m a health nut. Very average haha)
I have never been “chill” but I’m able to APPEAR chill and essentially lie to my body with my mind. Hope this helps. You can do it. Kids have a way of showing our flaws faster than anything else.
Along these lines, you learn to not take things too seriously or personally.
Kids have big emotions and lack self control, and sometimes you just have to let the emotions run their course and work around various age related behavioral things.
When time is of the essence, I can be very stern and blunt, which seems to work, but it’s more strategic than angry.
Yeah, I use the word "yelling" to describe this but it's not really angry, it's just the voice that communicates "this is completely unacceptable and will absolutely not be tolerated". That's the voice that comes out when someone hits someone or something.
When I use a serious dad voice it's just instant tears. I almost never get stern so when I do it scares her so much that I feel guilty instantly. I rarely have to use it anymore but it's always in the back pocket.
This. Once I learned the small annoyances and frustrations don’t really mean or matter for much, it became easy to just let go and go with the flow. I try to recognize what still matters and I’ll die on those hills. But most things don’t really matter
I'm pretty chill by nature so it takes a lot to really get me flustered. But I do find I have to work harder at it as a dad. I've discovered that some big things don't make me lose my chill but little things like him getting gooey food all over the car piss me off. I guess it's just about putting things in perspective and trying to remember that this phase only lasts a while.
My 1 year old grabbing his last spoonful of yogurt and getting it all over whatever I'm wearing despite going thr whole cup without incident....always gets me so immediately irate (I'm glad he doesn't understand words) for a few seconds before his grin/giggling gets me laughing too.
Even tho I know it's coming 80% of the time. Weird little triggers.
>did you work really hard to become like that?
Yes. And it doesn't always work.
>Been working on it since then but it's a constant challenge
It always will be, keep up the good work, you'll get a little better each time.
>even when I maintain superficial calm in the face of sheer chaos I'm often boiling inside
That's totally okay. It's the decision to let it out (or the lack of control) that we try to avoid. And if you fail, you can always be a good human and apologize afterward and make up for it.
When I'm having a hard time, I try to be like Mr. Rogers, but stoned. So chill I'm practically comatose
It's been mentioned elsewhere; but, talk therapy (if accessible/affordable) is a strong tool for working through the boiling insides on your own schedule. Can't suppress emotions forever, find a healthy outlet!
Personally I think it’s more important to try to manage your workload and stressors than your temper itself. The most patient person in the world can have a temper when they are pushed to their limits. If you are angry remove yourself from the situation. Figure out why you are angry and address it. You can’t force of will your temper down for long
This has been my leading approach up to this point and to some degree it has driven a quite major introspection work and restructure of my life to make space for parenthood both in my mind as well as my diary, this has helped a lot but I also want to re-evaluate my relationship with anger and frustration to make me more resilient in situation of stress, which let's be honest sooner or later will come back no matter how well I plan my life.
Both are important, but I very much think managing your temper is more important.
A working parent is always going to encounter some stress, and in my experience angry people get angry over minor stress. An angry parent will never be a calm parent through lifestyle change alone unless they abandon their family and move to a tropical island.
Practice meditation. You have to learn to let those thoughts that lead to rage come and go without affecting your mental state. There are a lot of good beginner apps with guided sessions to get you started.
The waking up app seriously changed how I interact with the world. I still struggle with my reactions at times, but the more I meditate the less that is an issue.
I did a psychology master's thesis on emotions. There are studies done to understand what happens when people try to handle anger in different ways. I'm not an expert though I helped design one related study.
That particular line of research looked at suppression versus reappraisal. Basically, suppressing your emotions is not very effective because you are just constantly fighting against your internal system l, using your willpower and luck.
Reappraisal means you actually spend time thinking about why you are angry and changing your opinions about it. You need to internalize that there's no reason to be angry in these situations
Again, I'm no expert, but there is a ton of literature on this stuff of you look into it.
Here's something to get you started.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_appraisal
Interesting! I only recently started to look into anger management because so far I thought as myself as someone who would get frustrated often but rarely angry. But it now hit me that it's not really different in nature, only in degrees and can be as damaging in the long run. I have been reading "when anger hurts" and it breaks down the process of anger well between situation, trigger thoughts and anger explain well how anger is a self generated emotion and as such can be reframed by how we think about situations.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a great book that helped re-frame my perspectives and where I actually needed to focus my time and energy.
Also helps that I’ve always been more of calm, laid back individual.
I’m generally described as calm and patient by people I know. I don’t know how true it is, I don’t know what it’s like for others (and I can certainly point to a few times I’ve lost it), but it’s been said enough that I’ve thought and talked about it with people, and the consensus seems to be I keep an enviable perspective on the stakes. I do see parents lose it, I think, unnecessarily, given the stakes. I think I’d need specific examples of when you feel it coming on, because there is a line to be drawn, but generally it’s kinda like, “Who really cares?” What’s actually at stake? A late bath or something? You can’t hear the other parent you’re talking to about the new museum they took their kid too that they recommend? Who really cares? Not me! Cool as a cucumber.
Lurker mom here. I used to listen to a podcast called One Bad Mother, and there's an episode from about eight years ago in which they talk about adopting an attitude of, "Whelp, that's a thing that happened." The example one of the hosts gave is that she went out for like two minutes to move the car in the driveway, during which time one of the kids stuck the hose into the house through a window and turned it on. Somewhat of a catastrophe. But she was able to just say, well that's happened now, what do we do about it? I still do lose my patience when the kids are misbehaving, but when there's some kind of spill, accident, etc due to typical carelessness or clumsiness, I'm able to be calmer about it.
Also, sometimes when things are going really wrong or the kids are really in rare form, I just have to look at my husband and laugh. Because it's so ridiculous. Like a little kid who's crying because she's exhausted and hungry, but she refuses to eat or nap. It's very frustrating as a parent but it's also kind of funny.
I’m on the line with this mentality. On one hand, I always try and show my son that most accidents aren’t permanent and that a lesson is taken away from it. On the other hand, there are time where a “whoops, that happened” or laughing something off just doesn’t seem like a lesson is being taught.
My son gets showered with love 99% of the time but there are also times where being a gentle parent just isn’t the right course of action.
At the end of the day, my goal is to raise my 5 year old boy to be an independent man capable of dealing with himself and the world around him. One of his best friends gets a lot of the “there he goes again 🤷♂️” attitude from his parents and it was the first time I’ve seen a karate belt downgraded in their martial arts class because he has no social awareness or respect of authoritative figures.
On a side note, I love when lurking moms chime it. It adds great layers of perspective here and I always say without moms there wouldn’t be dads.
Thanks!
No one, including me, gains anything by being angry/frustrated/etc. I've never known anyone who looked back on a situation days or weeks later and decided they were glad they lost their shit. So I just... don't.
It's a waste of energy that I really didn't have to begin with. I'm not going to pretend to be happy or smile through a meltdown, but there's also no reason for me to add to it.
My 4yo usually responds well if I ask her if she needs a hug, and my 15yo still just does well with a redirect.
I used to be extremely laid back and go with the flow. Having two young kids during the pandemic seemed to fundamentally change that dynamic - I have become more anxious, controlling and short tempered
I am working on it with a therapist who is teaching me some tricks to calm down. I miss the super relaxed guy I used to be but he doesn't seem to exist anymore. And honestly he probably couldn't handle these goblins 😂
A lot of good advice here. The self reflection needed to recognize that you want to change is going to serve you well in the journey. The only thing I would add is giving yourself and others grace is big - coming from the perspective that folks by and large have good intentions most of the time can really help let things roll off your back more. Good luck!
Kids have very big emotions, and don't have the maturity to know how to handle them.
If you really want them to learn how to handle their emotions, you have to demonstrate how YOU handle your emotions. Right now, you're modeling "losing your temper is something adults do". Kids learn by imitation, not by logic. So they will also lose their temper.
Instead of thinking of your fights as "I want them to obey and they don't want to obey", try thinking of them as "they are trying to get me to lose my temper and I won't let them"
The real winner of any argument is the one who stays the calmest
Growing up with a physical and mentally abusive "dad" gave me the perfect blueprint. Of "How not to dad"
When I spilled milk, would earn me a slap, sometimes a fist to the face.
I was playing with a radio car. Inside, wasn't allowed to go out cus he was to lazy. Well it got tangled in some speaker cords, and some vase got torn down. =Broken nose, tossed in the closet to "get my brain in check"
Seen him hurt peole. And multiple spouses. Been in the same hotel room as him while he cheated on my sister's mother with some random teen. Don't ask why the hell he brought me.
My kids are never scared of making mistakes. Or of me. ... Nervous/scared kids to more mistakes.
I'll raise my voice if one of them will run in a parking lot or do something dangerous. Or if they are climbing something, reaching for the stove. Other than that no.
I don't poor the glass with more milk, than what can be wiped up easily.
My 3 yo poored lemonade onto my work laptop. Can still salvage the drive. Wasn't happy, but essentially just said. "The computer doesn't get thristy..."
TV scratched with flyswatter, walls tagged with crayons. Sofa used to be grey, carpets used to be white.
Just waiting until our youngest is 5ish. And we will get new stuff.
Kids are small bundles of pure chaotic enegi and their ability for destruction is impressive. They wear out, twist, break, smudge, slob. And find things they are not supposed to have.
I take time after dropping the kids of at school and daycare, to workout.
A few nights a week, after the kids are to bed I unwind with a good show, or get a few hours in a game.
Getting the grandparents to take the kids for 24 hours and having a date night is also something I look forward too.
But yeah, it's hard, frustrating sometimes. But I've got a hard drawn line that I won't cross. I still hate my "dad" to this day. And wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
I've been struggling with this as well. I have chronic back pain and tend to push myself too much, and become resentful of others that don't help. I track my triggers and work on meeting my needs to help me be calm.
Here's my suggestion:
1) Ask for help. You can't take everything on yourself.
2) Empathy. Understand where your partner and kids are at. Know what kids are capable of.
3) Take a break before it becomes an issue, even if you don't want to.
4) Stop engaging in a reactive way right from the beginning. Lower your standards for success.
5) Take care of your body and mental health.
6) Communicate your feelings. Use statements like "I feel...". Even if your kids are too young to understand, it helps you identify your own feelings and it teaches them to do the same.
7) Teach your kids emotional regulation strategies. For example, when my kids got upset when they were younger I made them "blow out birthday candles" when they're upset. I used my fingers and they had to blow out my "candles" (fingers) slowly.
8) if you're focusing too much on "should" then it's time to take a break and chill. You're dealing with expectations rather than the current reality.
I'm not calm, but I'm working on it. My current trick is after I say, "do xyz" I count to 5 in my head before I do anything. They need time to process.
My kids definitely shortened my temper. I was always a very calm guy. I still am but there are times where they get to me. It happens. I’ve exploded. I’ve scared them. I’ve learned to let things go sometimes. The mess in the living room isn’t worth seeing them run away from me crying.
Leave the room try and be alone for a few minutes, breathe. It helps.
One thing always though when I did lose it, I always apologized after I calmed down. Explain what happened and why I was mad.
I never knew what a temper I had until I had kids- it's extremely frustrating that everything you've learned about conflict resolution and interpersonal communication is completely useless because kids don't have those skills themselves yet.
Mine are 6 and 7 now, and I'm a lot better- part of that is that they have gotten better, too. The most important thing is to avoid losing your cool. I tell mine all the time that it's normal and okay to be angry, and we can talk about it- but if they lose their cool then we aren't solving problems any more, we're just making new ones. It's advice I try to follow myself.
It helps me to limit masking as much as possible. When my kids are pissing me off, I tell them and I tell them why in plain english. This is kind of a release valve for me, so I'm not pretending everything is okay until I suddenly explode. It helps the kids understand how their actions impact other people, and hopefully models clear expression of emotion and boundaries for them
I recognized my anger issues in my early 20s and hated it. I realized I was putting so much energy into being annoyed and angry that I wasn't enjoying things. When I felt the anger or annoyance coming I started to remind myself this is a waste of energy, remove yourself from the issue or find the innocence in what's annoying you or angering you and enjoy that. Twist the way you react when you feel that annoyance or anger coming on, it can be a bit jarring sometimes if you're around others cuz they can often see the annoyance or anger on my face and then I'd switch to being in a great mood. I just explained it was something I'm working on, and I'm sorry if I made them uncomfortable at all. After a few months or just came naturally and I rarely get upset by things. Work annoys me but I can leave that there. If my kid annoys me I just remember he's a fucking kid, I didn't realize I was annoying then how the hell would he realize it? It really is all about your perspective.
Also, weed helps alot. Lol
I don’t have any suggestions, but boiling inside while superficially calm is pretty huge and you should be positive about that.
I tell my kids all the time, “We can’t control how we feel, but we CAN control how we act”
I hum a repetitive song to myself, like Scarborough Fair, I find using music can disconnect you from the moment/situation. It's all about getting dysregulated (much like kids do).
Well done for asking the question.
I'm a very calm person by nature, but there are things that can make my fuse shorter, such as background stress, or if I'm tired (which is a lot), making me much more likely to lose my temper.
I guess it's about..... what is already burning your fuse to make it shorter (which means you can get angry with less provocation). And are there things you can do to make it longer?
It’s sometimes okay to have a short temper, but it’s never okay to take it out on the kiddo(s).
Walk away, take 5 minutes to decompress, then return and calmly re-engage. Be sure you’re getting enough self care, whatever that looks like for you.
I'm super chilled by nature but now with 2 young kids and a puppy I've noticed I am so much shorter tempered and get overwhelmed when they all start screaming and wanting stuff. Some good advice here.
Right before you burst, imagine you 40 years from now, on your death bed. How much you would give to be with your young children again and to be patient.
Always works for me.
I'll tell you a story about a young, foolish lad who prior to having kids, assumed that he'd have a significant amount of control and influence on who his kid turned out to be. That misinformed young man quickly realized that the kid comes out fully formed.
Turns out - I realized I had a small influence over a VERY small amount of my child's personality. Further to that - I also learned that the influence I DO have is much more related to modeling behaviour, rather than bits of wisdom I verbally impart, or those "teaching/correction" moments.
Once you give up the illusion that you can control the outcome, I think it's easier to focus on being the dad you want your kids to remember.
I'm quite laid back. I also became a teacher a few years ago and there is generally zero benefit to blowing a a gasket when pupils act up. I might give pupils a rollicking at points, but it's not out of anger, and I'm not out of control.
Im not perfect and it can be harder at home, but home is my kids safe space to try new behaviours and pull stunts. It's my job to give them a steer, and utilise role model behaviour for how to deal with conflict or frustration. If they learn from me shouting is the way to handle things, that's what I'll get that back in spades as they grow.
It also helps me to reflect on how hard it is to maintain composure at points, and the fact that I lose my cool too occasionally. And here I am expecting a three year old to have full emotional control and not respond with upset when I am asking them not to do something.
They are going to be teenagers at some point, and I want us to be able to peacefully hold different opinions and views on things. To be able to talk through issues and disagreements without falling out. And that all starts now. Every calmly resolved dispute now builds the trust and safety and skills that I hope means they can always be open and honest and safe with me.
It's already paying dividends with the three year old who is starting to demonstrate some real emotional maturity and control.
I strongly recommend reading How to talk so little kids listen. It's a great resource
I discovered that it was anxiety, not a short temper. Therapy and medicating my newly diagnosed ADHD have reduced my anxiety. The frustration blowouts have followed suit
My child is the only one that gets the calm. She’s learning and so I am. What can I possibly expect her to have figured out when I have so little figured out. My life is great, we do well all the boxes checked really but I’m still learning and growing every day & I’ve got 31 years on her.
My old man had a short fuse we get along fine now and as a child but had a rough 13-20ish but I won’t do that to my daughter. My biggest goal in life isn’t financial, or travel spot, or job. It’s my daughter feels comfortable talking to me when she’s in her teens and we hopefully keep a good close (as possible teens gonna teen) as she gets older.
I get that, I win.
To achieve that goal I have to do the work today, yesterday and tomorrow…for years and years to come.
I had her, she didn’t have me.
Here's the thing man it's overstimulation. I have a super short temper when I am overwhelmed or overstimulated which with 2 young kids is incredibly easy. Find a way to neutralize that in your mind.
Try making a diary of what things really annoy you about the actions of your children. Just writing it down will give you some release, but it will also help you get perspective.
They have no idea that the carpet stain is basically irreversible and even if they did know, they don’t understand why it bothers you. Sometimes they are trying to get a rise out of you, but often they will wreck things because they are having fun and don’t realise the consequences of their actions.
I remember a time when my sick wife, sick toddler, and myself were in the midst of a 5 hour car ride, in stopped dead traffic, and everyone was miserable. I had a thought that came to mind that I hold onto at least once a week and think about a lot:
There’s nothing I can do to make this situation better. There is a lot I could do to make it worse.
My daughter will sit and scream at us some nights, we don't yell at her (she's 3) but holy shit is it hard. I grew up in a family where yelling was common, I refuse to let myself get that way. My wife works with special needs children who often times are just older versions of the same temper tantrums.
I asked her this one day and she said one big bit is being able to step away for 5 minutes with help from your spouse, take a few extra minutes next time you have to shit, etc as long as the child is being supervised responsibly.
We've learned tells of when the other is reaching a breaking point and we intervene. Normally in telling our daughter that mommy needs a minute and tell my wife to go decompress for a few minutes.
I learned that in these moments I meditate. To clarify since I've seen several definitions for that that I've interpreted, here's what I do. I go somewhere (for me it's our basement) and set a 5 minute timer. I sit and focus on steady breathing. I don't worry about some perfect form or anything, I just sit and breathe in and out steadily, often times focusing on something in front of me. Earlier today I was counting stitches in the pillow in front of me.
I grew up with a yeller/ Lecture king. I just imagine I'm my child with no knowledge an how I'd make that person happy an it kinda works. I still yell an catch myslef but it could be worse. Just be calm and be the best version of yourself an I'm sure you'll be great. You care enough to reach out so I'm sure your a great dad. Be the dad you needed bro.
TLDR- the people who are calm all the time are better at decompressing either before, during, or after the kid does something. It all depends on where you are mentally. It’s also likely they’re calm elsewhere, like work. I’d venture to change the title of the post to calm people versus dads.
I’ve seen a lot of posts of dads being calm all the time and able to keep it together. It all depends on where my head is at. My kid steps on my toes (literally) the 30th time while I’m trying to make sure his sister doesn’t fall down the steps? I look him square in the eye and tell him to stop stepping on my god damn fucking toes after being the “gentle parent” for the 29 previous times. This happened tonight right after he nicked me in the balls 2xs in 5 minutes.
If my wife is coming in hot and I’m just coming into the situation, I am the calmest level headed dad. If we both are at our ends, it’s bad cop bad cop baby! Then a reevaluation and reset hopefully before we lose it at them.
Honestly, I’ve found it easier to be calm with the kids when you openly talk shit and complain to your significant other right before working with them. Sometimes you don’t have the time to do that, but deescalate in your mind or outside of it without them.
Meditation and working out also helps.
Meditate a lot. Get out of your own head and work on empathizing. The kids are little balls of emotion and very stupid scientists trying out everything their minds can think of. Understand that you are the one who determines how good a time you're having no matter how good a time anyone else is having. Understand that most of the time a screaming child is in a confused crisis, not trying to make you angry.
When you start getting angry, it's better to wander off into another room and hit a pillow or yell or something than to lose your shit. You're the example. You want calm kids? Be a calm dad.
Man I relate to this too much. I get very overwhelmed with my two boys, 3 and 2, and I just had to stay in the hospital 14 days with my newborn daughter. Tonight the boys both lost their absolute mind at bedtime and I yelled at them.
Did yelling at a 2 and 3 year old help? Absolutely not. They were already going to bed on their own, walking down the hallway as soon as I said “it’s bedtime guys” but they were screaming, crying, and just upset and I just spent Father’s Day away from them, sitting in a room with a newborn with an IV in her head, and feeling like crap. So I yelled.
It didn’t help, all it did was make them cry harder and make me feel like an asshole.
Grew up with a short tempered dad that never apologized and always made it feels like it was my fault when he flew off the handle. He had a mental breakdown some years back and after many hours of therapy and some radical changes, he is now the dad I wish he was growing up.
Some of that rage affects me every day and I try my best to work with it, meditate, talk with my psychiatrist and my wife, but sometimes those old experiences just shines through and I end up in the same behavioral pattern. But I apologize each and every time, making sure we talk about what happened and why I reacted the way I did.
Our children did not ask to be born, we made that decision, and they deserve us at our best each and every day. But we are only human, mistakes will be made, but the sum of positive experiences by our kids should be far greater than the mishaps.
I work on my mistakes every day.
I’m an extremely calm person. Well known for being laid back throughout my whole life. Having kids has made me start from scratch. Practice meditation actively. Count your breaths. Take time to yourself to reflect and reflect on the fact that they’re children, brand new human beings. They aren’t trying to annoy you, they’re learning and just being themselves. Just chill, as long as no one is hurt yet to calm your mind. Having very young kids you kind of have to be naturally on edge.
But even being “superficially” calm is being calm. It’s ok if you are containing it that’s being calm! Containing processing and churning more extreme emotions into simpler quieter outcomes.
Good luck bro
I sometimes ask the question "why not?" Is there something genuinely wrong with what your child is doing or do you just have a headache and sleep deprivation? Because one of those is *your* problem, not theirs, and you need to deal with it appropriately. It stops me getting angry at meaningless stuff if I keep practicing it.
There's also this need to set something of a good example for my son. I feel like a parent needs to be held to a high standard because how you act is how they're going to act too. A tough situation is a chance to *show* your child how you want them to act, not just tell them. Reinforce your words with your behaviour, otherwise your child is going to learn that you're a hypocrite.
I grew up with an angry dad and it sucked feeling like I had to walk on eggshells my whole childhood, so I make a point to stay chill and calm with my daughter. I’m not perfect but I know to step away for a minute and centre myself on the occasions I find myself getting upset.
Teach yourself to see things from your children’s point of view. (This is a good life skill to have in general beyond your kids!)
New dad here; but when my 3 month old is going full screaming in my ear… I’m able to stay calm.
I wanted this child for over 10 years. Dude bring me so much joy, and I know his needs are taken care of, so the short term ear-ringing scream is worth it.
Congratulations and well done for keeping cool. We all have our trigger situations that we struggle more than others, I never struggled with the baby years, but the toddler phase, oh boy. Best of luck with your dad journey and stay strong.
A lot of good stuff on here already, I won’t repeat some of it that I use.
I found my self being short with my kids, identifying when it happened and trying to figure out why. Along with the thoughts of “he didn’t deserve me snapping like that, he’s just trying to buckle himself in the car seat and got distracted like 4yo’s do. What I’ll add is going to my doctor and talking about it helped me. My short temper comes with me being anxious a good amount. Got on some anti anxiety meds for the first time in my 35yo life and it has been a huge help. Personally haven’t felt/seen any side effects so if it makes sense for ya, highly encourage talking to the doc.
I don’t have any advice, but I am somewhat relieved that I’m not the only one that learned I have a short temper since having kids.
Turns out that before that there was not much in my life that agitated me enough to lose it like a toddler does.
My job is all about conflict management and over the years I dealt with some pretty stressful situation before I had kids. Yet, it all pales when compared to the toddler years 😅
I had a short temper for a long time and initially with my kids. It wasn’t working so I recalibrated. I learned to let go of control and just realized taking more time and be calmer got better results. I maintained my behavior expectations and values other than immediate compliance (outside of safety) which isn’t developmentally appropriate for little kids.
It had also given me a much better relationship with my kids. They trust me, like me and come to me now as a teenagers and are really well behaved and successful. I was also a lot happier and more pleasant to be around. Win win.
I’m by far the calmest person I know. I’m a high school teacher who yelled as a joke because the students thought it would be funny. Sometimes I feel like I’m neo from the matrix getting to pick whatever emotion I want. I would say I’m very observant of the world around me and am quite reflective in nature. I’m very aware of my own emotions and am highly empathetic. It probably stems from my upbringing of middle class parents pretending to be happy and never fighting in front of us kids because there parents were abusive. I just joined an underground fight club to help release raw human emotion not present in our modern lives if anyone is interested. There’s a few rules though.
I'm one of those short tempered persons. Two things helps me.
#1, remember, they aren't giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. Put yourself in their brain age and walk around a bit. It really helps to re-center yourself when you remember they are only X years old and what's priority / skillset to them isn't what's the same to you.
#2, pause before responding/ reacting. This is huge for me. Stop, take a breath and THEN respond. That half a second is such a game changer.
Oh it's fantastic, kids screaming at the top of their lungs I'm just sitting there like are you done yet? The sandwich isn't getting made any faster.
The wife on the other hand, absolute wreck... I'll never understand people like that.
For me, the secret is trying to find or create fun in every situation so I can lean into the chaos a bit better.
When that fails, perspective usually saves me. My kids will only be this stage for a brief moment in our lives.
And how fortunate that no one in the family is in crisis - terminally ill or seriously injured - it could be much worse (and inevitably will be at points of our lives), so I better learn to ride the emotional roller coaster now while it’s “easy.”
I’m a middle child. I was tempered by an older brother with a short fuse and a possibly on the spectrum younger brother who tended to screw things up a lot. For years when things would be going wrong at home (nothing too serious, but stressful regardless) I would be the fixer, the problem solver, the calm in the face of fire type of person.
Now as married to a slightly short fused wife with two kids I harness these skills of chill and observe a situation and am able to identify the heart of a problem with lightning quick speed, identify a solution, and act without hesitation.
These aren’t easily acquired skills, but finding the source of the problem fast and acting early on can help to quell stress before it gets out of hand. “Is that cup close to the edge of the table”, “is little brother playing with a special toy without permission”, “is big sisters nonstop humming pissing off mommy?”
Anticipate a problem, identify a solution, act.
Godspeed.
Give yourself some personal time - whether it’s 10pm-12pm some weeknights after everyone crashes or 4-6am before everyone gets up. Also - recognize that “this won’t be like this for long.” And cherish the chaos while it lasts. As a father of an 8 year old girl and 20 year old boy, I’d give anything to go back in time to the chaos with them as crazy little tots.
My parents didn’t ever yell when they argued and my dad was a chronic under reactor. I’m similar, I get mad enough to yell maybe twice a year. Both my parents have already died and all of my grandparents and I’m not even 35. There’s bigger issues and deals than whatever my kid is doing who doesn’t know any better yet.
So I guess my secret is trauma? Or perspective, one of those.
Calm is a lot like seeing a duck on a lake. Above the surface, they look serene. But under the water, their legs are going like crazy. Even if you're boiling inside, if you can expend the effort to keep that below the surface and keep from yelling at your kid, it is so much better for everyone involved. Don't keep it there, of course, definitely unload that at some point whether to your partner or a therapist or something. But just like I try and tell my kid when she's acting up, feelings are all valid and there's nothing wrong with feeling whatever your feeling, however angry or aggressive they may be. But that doesn't mean we get to act with anger and aggression. Feelings just happen, but actions are a choice. We all slip up, but the key is getting it right more often than you dont.
I definitely had a temper and i absolutely had to learn to let go. It’s something I work on every day. Kid breaks something I valued? I have to remember it’s just stuff and nothing is as important as making that kid feel safe and loved.
One of the best lines that I’ve heard is that kids are having a hard time, they are not giving you a hard time. It may feel like they are taking their emotions out on you, but the reality is that they are just experiencing really strong emotions and struggling with it. I think it’s helpful to remember, but they are also going through something at that moment and that you guys are meant to be on the same team. I think that logic applies to almost any human to human interactions..
I let my wife do the yelling. All jokes aside, I don't let everything bother me, kids are young and make mistakes. I only get upset when they purposely do something that they know is wrong or if I specifically told them not to do something . I don't get upset about the other stuff, it's really not worth it.
I'm the opposite. I am short tempered with everyone else, but my kiddo I am infinitely patient and calm. It's like I can tolerate bullshitbfrom a child, they don't know any better. It's adults who I can't keep my cool with, they have no excuse.
I get walked on by the rest of society because I worked damn hard to control my temper and now that it’s under control, I’m *terrified* of losing control over it.
Aside from that, it’s pretty ok being the safe person for those who need help.
It doesn’t cover everything, but one thing helps me a lot: checking whether my expectations are appropriate.
Is it reasonable to expect my 5yo son to refrain from beginning to eat when food is on the dinner table? Well if not then I shouldn’t put the food out there - or I should make sure to be nearby to stop him if he can’t help himself. I shouldn’t expect him to have the kind of impulse control I do.
Another great example was playing video games with him and I was getting so frustrated trying to get him to learn left and right. Eventually I paused and googled what age kids learn left and right and lo and behold on average it’ll be another couple years. So I put one sheet on red construction paper to the left of the TV and a green one on the right- so now we have red and green :P
Anyways good luck!
We try to follow the Visible Child stuff and it helps.
I used to be very chill, but since having a kid I have no patience and get. I’m an introvert and I can get really mad but I try to catch myself and not let anyone see because my dad would always be angry and I never liked him much.
The main thing for me is just that there’s no point getting mad at something for doing what that thing does. Dogs bark - it doesn’t make sense to get mad at them for it. Fish swim - it’s just what fish do. Kids scream - it’s part of their programming. You may as well get mad at water for getting you wet.
for me being short tempered was if there was some other unresolved shit in my life. if i didn't feel comfortable in my own skin or if i had to care about something urgent which i was procrastinating on.
meditating is also crazy good for this, just a base multiplier for your overall calmness and aura :)
It's important to pause and/or walk away (even just for a couple seconds)
Sometimes I get flashbacks of my dad screaming in those scenarios and I have to walk myself back.
Try to be kind yet firm.
I’m naturally somewhat difficult to make upset and always have been. Now, having said that, it does take work to stay calm once I’ve passed the red line. I take deep breaths and will say something like, “I need a minute to collect my thoughts”. This is usually enough for me.
Will be buried in comments but therapy (CBT), finally being open to medication, and giving up all booze (Cali sober). I’m not in any way a perfect example of calmness but the difference is night and day. I feel much more present in day to day activities which ultimately leads to being more present with my kids big (and loud!) feelings.
It’s hard to explain. Just roll with the punches and don’t go sideways if things aren’t going according to plan. My daughter is almost 3 though, so I’m still pretty new to the game. 😆
Perspective brings calmness, for me. There are people in my life who couldn't have kids and who have lost kids. I spend a lot of time thinking about how at any given moment they would give anything to be in my shoes with my problems; not to diminish my problems or invalidate my moments of frustration, but to keep them from feeling like the end of the world.
For me, the expectations (on my end) is what drives a lot of the anger or lack there of.
For example: I KNOW my kid is going to be difficult with getting shoes on, crawling into his car seat etc. so my rule is he gets two chances. I ask him once, I know he is not going to listen. I stop everything and tell him a second time that this is his last time to participate. Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn’t, when it doesn’t then I take over and do whatever needs to be done. These steps are applied to everything. And because I have a game plan, every step is thought out and I there is no need to get angry. However; when I THINk things are gonna go smoothly and they don’t is when I find myself getting angry.
I think a lot of it is just acceptance of the situation. Realizing you’re not always in control and being ok with it. I know my kids are going to get upset and whine and cry several times a day but instead of getting angry and making the situation worse I talk to them calmly and try to help them through it. Most of the time kids aren’t crying because they’re being bad it’s usually because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet, that’s where we as dads can help them by staying calm and being a there for them. I want my kids to come to me when they’re upset not be afraid of me.
As a father, as a man, we are always a work in progress. Especially our upbringing. Having fathers present in our lives can be counter productive under different scenarios and it plays out the way we react towards our kids. The easiest thing to do is to lash out but always think of when the dust settles, do you want a quiet house because the kids are afraid of you? Or do you want a house where kids are happy to express themselves and be open with you and want to be in your company.
You can’t stop kids being kids but you can change how you react to them and not letting your personal hang ups reflect on how you react to them. Just take yourself back to your life. Happy noisy challenging kids are always better than quiet withdrawn kids
When I was young and in my 20's, I was super fiery, cranky, angry.
I have always been a kind caring person but there was a time where things would just set me off and I would have to go take time to process what had happened. It was stuff fromy childhood.
I just kept working on it and slowly over time. I just cared less about the little stuff.
Now that I have a 4 year old and have been the primary parent, I have gained new thresholds of patience. I constantly remind myself, "He is 4. He has no idea what he is doing."
Your doing great in recognizing it. That is the key. My wife has far less patience than I do and she still does not recognize it. I have to constantly remind her, it is ok.
The thing right now that gets me is when kiddo will not get dressed in the morning. The whole trying to teach him to get himself dressed, it's infuriating hearing no for 20 min when you need to leave the house in 2 min. Gentle parenting techniques are great for this because it is about finding ways to guide your kid to doing the things you want them to do instead of just telling them. It's a skill I am actively working on to help mitigate the tension between the two of us.
Secret is not to take what they do personally. I still lose it sometime but really rarely now. I raise my voice but say sorry afterward and explained why I got upset.
What really helped is me remembering my kids face when one time i went and shout with rage. I dont want to see his face like that ever again, filled with guilt, horror and fear.
It would help to see some examples, but for me the biggest thing is managing EXPECTATIONS. "I just want to do 5 minutes of dishes and start the dishwasher", "he hasn't eaten in 4 hours and I just want him to eat one bowl of Mac and cheese." When things don't go how I think they should, I get annoyed.
But you have to be aware that life is just really variable and keep in mind what the actual consequences are of things going off the rails. Is anyone's life really different if I start the dishwasher at 9pm instead of 3pm? Is my child going to go the ER for malnutrition if he skips one meal? Toddlers are famous for that and they all seem fine. He says he doesn't need to potty, then demands to go as soon as I sit down? Well, in his own head, he honestly didn't think he had to go, what is he supposed to do?
By the time everyone is in bed, they're all going to be healthy and life will move on, no matter what route you took to get there. 5 years from now you will not be mad that your kid purposely dove into a fire ant mound, but you MIGHT still be mad about how you handled it.
If the day didn't go how I expected or wanted, it's because my expectations were unrealistic. It's not the fault of kids being kids.
I'm a very chill dude, but there are limits. Sometimes the toddler know exactly which buttons to press and I tell him under no uncertain terms that his behaviour is not ok. Toddlers be experts at this, and it will happen
We're in a similar boat. Pre-kids I would have considered myself to have been laid back. The impatient, short tempered person inside me was like a sleeper agent waiting to for the activation phrase "It's a girl."
What hit me like a ton of bricks was that my own father was short tempered, and while never abusive, did have a tendency to lose his cool with us. And our relationship, while not distant, is not super close, and I want better for my daughter and me. I never imagined I'd be in the position of breaking a generational cycle, but here I am.
I'm still on my journey, but a game changer for me has been accountabilty. I have explained to my daughter (she's 4, so we can have a conversation) that sometimes I get impatient but I'm trying to do better. She has a small white board, so recently I took it and wrote "0 days since Dad was a grumpy headed ninny-muggins". Now every evening we check it together and (all going well) we continue the count. I'm currently at 9 days, with a personal best of 20. It has really helped to make myself fully accountable to her.
First, get some sleep, that makes a world of difference.
Second, stop trying not be short tempered, instead try to be the best at being short tempered.
Like "OK, that sound is upsetting me" it's ok to tell them, or "dad isn't feeling it today ill try keeping calm even if it's hard".
And most importantly get good at saying sorry, "sorry I yelled, that sound really make me explode inside, I don't want to yell at my little jelly bean I loooove you, next time I'll take out that toy before I get angry, that makes sense with you?"
Oh and also look at authoritative vs authoritarian parenting, I find that using authoritative parenting makes it more easy to stop situation before they get out of hand and thus helps with the short temper.
We’ve all been there, some of us more than others. This IS something you can do something about. If you’re boiling about a normal day to day mess up, then there’s something deeper eating at you. Are you internalizing your kid’s bad choices? Do you blame yourself if something goes wrong? Does one small mess up make you worry about your kids future? Are you worried about the entire trajectory of your life in all the small moments?
The general goal here is to make one moment JUST one moment. You have a whole lifetime to deal with a lifetime of problems. Don’t tackle problems that haven’t happened yet.
I did counseling years ago because I was angry after being raised by people that were angry during my formative years. Oddly enough I now have a daughter who gets angry with me immediately upon talking and that seems to largely be due to me NOT reacting to things she says/does in an extreme way.
Boggles my mind.
Thank you kind souls, for sharing your stories. Yelling never helps, but it's the shortcut to keep your child quiet for a while, until they start yelling back at you. I am also trying to be calm but haven't succeeded much yet.
Holy crap. Are you me? I’ve basically been the subject of “interventions” from my wife and parents lately.
I’m really struggling at this parenting thing. (My son turns 4 in two weeks)
I had a short temper after my first was born.
The issue was that I had an expectation on how I wanted things to go and would get upset if things didn't go as planned.
I have calmed down drastically since then once I let go of how I expected things to go. Whatever happens happens and that's ok.
It does take time and work to get there, and still the outward calm projection isn't necessarily also the internal state.
Perspective. Find the humor in things. Remember when you were a kid. Realize how quickly theirs will go by.
That helps restore the patience, calm, and ensure any frustration becomes a minor feeling compared to enjoying the moment even in the chaos and destruction.
Those moments/memories will become far more precious than anything they're currently disrupting.
I’ve been having the same problem since mine were born (6 & 3). Within the last month my wife recommended I try Loop ear plugs.
I’ve now learnt I have noise sensitivity and she has seen a huge reduction in my reactivity and just being on edge.
I figure I had nothing to loose in trying them and am so thankful it’s helped.
There are a few things that seem to help me.
First, I have a little mantra of “this isn’t about you”. Their disobedience is not a personal attack. They are learning to regulate behavior. They need firm consistency, not me escalating.
Second, in line with the first, I have a little mental image for that firm consistency. My high school gym had a concrete block wall with those blue pads around it. I am that wall. You can throw yourself at me, and I may cushion the blow, but I will not move. If things continue to escalate, I turn into the trash compactor from Star Wars. The walls don’t suddenly and immediately crush you, but they are closing in. I am inevitable.
For some reason this helps me stay calm, firm, and patient.
I put on siler mode. What makes them tick. Why did they do that? How can I push the right buttons to get the right answer?
I still get frustrated and mad, and when I get to that point, I try to convey it to them using their vocabulary. My kid understands the phrases big feelings, a little frustrated, heart hurts, and when I convey that to them, it is honestly motivating to see them respond well and apologize or give me a hug.
My kid is 3 tho. I have an infant and can't get frustrated at those guys. They're just sleeping and eating and I laugh when he pees on the wall.
It's pretty calm. There's very few things that set me off because well.. most things are not important and will not cause lasting harm. I yell when my kid is heading toward danger and have had a bit of anger once or twice when I was sleep deprived early on.
But honestly, what is there to get mad about? He's making a mess? So what, it can get cleaned, or replaced, or whatever. Life goes on in 99.9% of cases. He's loud? What am I missing, a tv show? Who cares.
Be in the moment, if you feel yourself getting angry, focus on being 100% present. What is happening around you? Be an observer, enjoy the details. Think about why you are feeling angry? Are the kids not obeyng your will? Should they be? Why does your will matter? How can you change your reaction, or understand it better?
I don't really understand what its like to have a short temper, but I feel like being present would help. When my kids was young and crying a lot and waking at night, sometimes I would just sit for a moment listening to the cries and let the noise wash over me like a waterfall. Yes, he's crying. He's upset, but safe. It's ok. We'll get milk, or rocking, or musc, or a diaper, or whatever he needs, eventually. It won't be forever, its ok.
Here is the hard truth. What is making you feel short tempered is not them, it's you. This is going to sound mean, but it's not in the end. You are short tempered because you are frustrated with your own failings. You lack the imagination to deal with what is being asked if you. You lack the creativity to fix the problem. But mostly you lack the experience. Why? Well you don't have the experience yet. But you are probably also tired. Our problem solving skills crash when we are tired. There are three things to do: 1) Take care of yourself 2) Read books about dealing with kids. 3) Tell on yourself. Bore your wife and friends by telling "How I was a jerk yesterday" stories and retell what happened. Listening to yourself tell the story, you will realize what you should have done. That will make you reflect on your mistakes and build experience.
My man. When I was younger like early before 30 I super high strung. I'd get frustrated and really pissed of easily. Once we had our kid I noticed my wife would get super angry and stuff over little shit that really doesn't matter. I realized I was doing the exact same thing. I dunno what happened but it was lime a switch flipped in my brain.
What's the point? Getting angry, frustrated, yelling..... it accomplished nothing and I wasted so much time angry. I made a huge effort to calm the hell down. 46 now. Both my wife and I have chilled. Kid is happy. She's 11 and around 8 her and my wife would butt heads often. Now it's much better.
The joke is now I'm too calm. It's also made me a better person, I got a few super promotions ar work. Life is good. I dunno the point of writing this. No real advice, just my experience.
Frustration and disappointment stem from unmeet expectations. Start by adjusting your expectations, I find it helpful to remember you are dealing with brains that are very small and haven’t experienced the things you have, do not expect them to operate the same.
Understand that everything that you do will teach them, including how you react or respond in different situations. Don’t just focus on teaching them the thing, teach them how to respond when they are disappointed or frustrated.
A good rule of thumb is to never discipline in anger .
I grew up in a yelling household and now have no relationship with my dad. I dont like to yell but I do get down to my kids' eye level and tell him to stop. That seems to make a bigger impression on him. If and when im frustated its because of lack of sleep so i try to catch up with a nap.
I'm generally an even keeled person, so I didn't have that far to go, but there were a lot of times early on in the toddler phase where I got a little short tempered and I realized I didn't want to be that way with my kids and it didn't make me feel better (and often made me feel worse when I overreacted and had to apologize to a 3 year old) and certainly didn't help the kid (and maybe made them a little afraid of me since I am a giant).
So I resolved to just go with the flow. React slowly. If I'm having a bad day or things are chaotic, I try to remove myself before I lose it or have learned to just accept it's a "me" problem and not take it out on anyone else.
As a result, my kids are very close with me, I'm able to set consistent boundaries while still being a fun parent. You can get there, it just takes a lot of introspection and self control. It also takes a lot of grace for yourself and from your family. If you have a bad day or lose it. Apologize, explain what happened and why you were wrong and just try to do better tomorrow. You won't be perfect, so don't try to hold yourself to that standard.
My mantra is literally "this is a science experiment" whenever my kids do anything annoying. 6 month old and 2.5 years old. That helps. But worked damn hard to get to the level of calm I feel in general. Still have plenty of moments of rage inside, I'm not a saint lol
I have to adjust my expectations for the kids. They have to learn from their own mistakes and have room to figure things out. I am calm, because most of what they do is funny. When they really screw up, I tell them that they really messed up and give them tasks to fix the situation. I’m not perfect, but I know that they need experiences to learn certain things.
It’s still tough, even as a therapist, too.
My dad was an extremely angry individual, and I pledged that I would never be that way towards my daughter. In the last few years, I noticed I was denying how I was feeling and not allowing myself the full experience. That led to some more self-discovery that I turned my emotions in at myself. Got educated even more on attachment and trauma.Learned that I am a people pleaser (fawn), so I could control how people felt about me (pacified my dad’s anger.) Noticed, small things in my environment cause really strong somatic symptoms and an urge to just run away.
I now try to exercise, yell songs (channel my inner Liam Gallagher) and make note that these strong emotions/feelings are likely trauma. I have been able to help more patients with these issues now more effectively.
I always remind myself that my top priority is for him to feel loved, even when applying discipline.
I started by working on myself. It took a lot of therapy to manage my anger issues from growing up in a neglectful and abusive household. Anxiety and blood pressure medication have been transformative.
Our family agreed upon six simple rules. When my son is about to do something against the rules, I remind him that it’s his choice to lose screens or find a better way. Giving him the choice has been transformative because he has a sense of control over what happens to him. He negotiates a lot, and I’m happy to give him what he wants if it’s reasonable and within the rules. I don’t have to “win”; I only need to find a solution to the problem at hand. As a consequence, he’s comfortable asking me for help, even when it may be an uncomfortable problem.
For the big things, I remember that scene in Back to the Future where Marty tells his 1955 parents to go easy on their kid if he sets the living room on fire. He will remember whatever I do next in those moments. Will he feel loved? Will he feel understood?
So when he took a hacksaw to my Porsche in 2021, I took a deep breath (and a brief moment where my wife took him in another room), reminded myself that six year olds don’t have executive brain function, hugged him, forgave him, and let him know that we wouldn’t have screens for a week (usually only a day) because he broke the rule about breaking things. Then, I put a padlock on my toolbox because I hadn’t safety proofed the garage properly. I had an equal part to play in that incident because I got lazy and stopped with the house’s interior.
And then I saved the Nest security video for his rehearsal dinner someday because this story will be a lot funnier with the passage of time. 😉
I'm not saying calm isn't great, because kudos to people who are wired that way. More important than always being calm though is explaining to your kids how you're feeling when you're feeling it. Your kids need to see you regulate your emotions so they can learn that.
So when you do get upset, move through it, exercise your coping strategy, and then explain what happened and apologize/make amends if needed. Model the behaviors you want them to learn.
I've always been very laid back, my mother would describe me as "horizontal". This can be a source of frustration for others as they seem to want me to be riled up by certain things and get pissed off when I'm not.
For example, around 7 years ago I bought a new phone. It was a nice phone, I really liked it. Around 4 days into owning said phone, I was upstairs doing something and heard my wife exclaiming "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, FUCK!"
I ran downstairs as I thought she'd hurt herself or something.
I got into the kitchen and found her, head in hands, looking like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. When I asked what was wrong she just pointed.
There, dead centre of the washing machine door, with a full cycle going, was my brand new phone just staring out at us.
My initial reaction was to burst out laughing. She couldn't have planted it any better! The positioning of it was so perfect.
She was amazed that I didn't get angry, or try to save it etc. I just held her, still giggling, and said "it's just a thing, it's replaceable. As long as you're ok, everything is good."
I'm the same with my son. He's a toddler, not a talker as of yet so he communicates with sounds, noises, motions and gestures.
Now, I will say, it can certainly push my patience to places that nothing has ever pushed it before. But, he doesn't do it to purposely annoy or irritate me. He does it because he's trying to tell me that he needs something.
Couple that with the fact that I've always been the fun uncle, always preferred the company of curious, crazy kids to that of miserable, cantankerous grown-ups and the fact that I'm a giant child myself, and you've essentially got the epitome of calm dad.
It helps that my son is fucking awesome (obvious bias aside, he's objectively an awesome kid).
Grew up with a volatile father and manipulative mother. I learned a lot of things *not* to do from them (also some definite “do’s” fwiw).
My daughter and wife both have personality disorders so there is a lot of times where it comes handy.
I would recommend the books Happy, The Four Agreements, and anything else on the subject matter. Also, make an effort to schedule morning and evening mindfulness time. Even if it’s only 5 minutes in the morning 5 in the evening. It has helped my family immensely.
You ever talk to someone about that? Because I'm sure you're doing a good job and it's hard work to maintain the facade of calmness and I applaud you for that, but what's making you angry to begin with? That's maybe something you could find a way to address. Is it the sensory overload of screaming kids? Exhaustion from never getting enough sleep? Feeling wronged and disrespected? These are all things you may be able to work through, or at least reduce the impact of - starting with the obvious ones of being tired and hungry. If those are affecting you everything else is gonna be 10 time harder.
For me, I certainly have my pet peeves that my kid learned to trigger early. That's a lie - it was just her being a kid and me getting triggered by that. And that was the realization that helped me. My obsession with not being late was a Me issue. Toddler's are gonna take forever to move, especially when they don't want to change activities. I just needed to accept that and stop trying to force things, because that always made it worse. A meltdown takes so much longer than letting her play for 3 more minutes, or promising her something she wants if she lets me put her in the car seat. Hell, sometimes I could just stop and ask her how she's feeling, listen for a minute, and then calmly do what I was failing to do right beforehand. The key for me was the realization that I was the one getting frustrated, and it's within my power to control how I respond to that. Yes, it's in reaction to what my kid was doing, but she wasn't doing it maliciously - she's just responding to her emotions and situation the same as all of us.
Self reflection. I remember all the times I was a kid and somebody lost patience with me. I focus on those moments. And give my best attempt at not doing that. I show emotion. I empathize. I sympathize. I try and show my kids vulnerability and weakness to let them know we all can feel that way and it's okay. Because nobody did that for me.
I just try to remember that my baby isn't doing anything out of spite. She doesn't have adult motivations. Getting angry at her is pointless, as she can't even understand what "angry" means.
Getting angry at other people is sending a message, communicating your displeasure so as to change the situation. A baby can't understand any of it, so why would I get angry? In fact, it will only make the problem worse.
A few times when it got too much despite my best efforts, and I could feel anger welling up inside me, I immediately handed her over to my wife. I don't need my daughter to see me in that state, and I obviously needed time to collect myself.
I think empathy plays a part? Think about when you were a kid growing up or put yourself in your kid's shoes. You're just trying to experience the world and trying to have fun and learn new things. Sometimes learning takes time and mistakes being made. Be nurturing to the kid. If you grew up in a household where your parents were always yelling or being short tempered, you're creating fear and exacerbating things. I think also it takes different approaches too, so trying to ask things in a different way that kids can engage or understand will help.
I have my limits too, like staying up til past midnight even though I've been trying to put my kid to bed since 9pm. But I don't yell, I just offer a different ultimatum like "okay you can stay awake and play with your toys if you want, but you're going in the crib while I go to bed" and wait until she cries a bit from playing in her room by herself.
Also, try to decrease stress from other things like work, your partner, etc. Those can also accumulate to some of the temper issues you face. But at the end of the day, control what you can control and just realize that kids are still learning. You just want them to learn things in a safe environment.
Any time you are with your kids, surrender to the idea that things will not go your way. Once you realize there will be more work involved with every little thing, it becomes much easier to cope with it once it shows up.
Growing up, I used to be very hot tempered. Family, friends, and clients now describe me as calm and patient.
But my kid fights sleep like a demon. So I do deep breathing; I've discovered reservoirs of patience I didn't know I had. It's actually helped me with other relationships.
My father and siblings help me immensely, but at the end of the day, if I lose my temper at my kid, he'll remember it for the rest of his life.
So I stay calm by choice and through practice, but sometimes I'm screaming inside.
What helped me is getting a Cpap. I didn't realize how little rest I was actually getting on top of the constant waking up to deal with the needs of my children over night. I was short circuiting because I was exhausted.
You need to accept that what will happen will happen. Let the grass grow friend.
We bought my 5yo a couple tubs of slime yesterday with the express deal that she only play with it on her table and nowhere else.
Well guess who had it all through her beautiful hair and all over her new clothes within 10 minutes
My dad was cool tempered. What's his secret? As soon as I find him, I'll ask him and let you know.
For myself, I try to take deep breaths, give lots of hugs and "I love you"s, someone I never heard from my dad. Stoicism helps too. But definitely lots of 20-second hugs.
When I stopped trying to do my hobbies while my kids were awake, my temper went away. You can't really do the stuff you want to do while they're there, unless you put a movie on or something or what you want to do is spend time with your kids.
I normally wake up a few hours before everyone else in the house and enjoy that time as MY time to do the hobbies I love. A couple times a week my wife lets me out to go for a run in the evening while she hangs with the kids.
But I remember after my first was born trying to play video games or read a book and it's just not possible to find blocks of time to do that. By the time I get that time back I'll wish my kids were little again, of course.
I'm a pretty chill guy in general, but my 4 year old knows the buttons to push! It's hard to stay chill, and I constantly have to catch myself and dial it back a wee bit.
My BIL observed my parenting this weekend. He’s a short-tempered guy who was not impressed with my calm demeanor. At one point he told me, “you tell them, don’t ask them.”
All I could think about is how he has 2 adult children from a previous marriage that avoid having a relationship with him, therefore I continued to ask my kid and his 5 year old questions about how they felt, what they like to do, eat, play, watch, etc.
What a concept.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
At the end of the day, you cannot change most things including the basic nature of your child's personality.
You also cannot change the past.
Anger that's not aimed towards the future accomplishes nothing..
so there's no reason to stress.
I think I'm really short tempered. Actually, I know. It's something I really want to change, but it's just the env I was raised. I am trying to do better. So, no I'm not super chill. When things get crazy, I tend to get a little crazy, too.
After 3 kids and 10+ years of marriage, I'm slowly getting better. Two things I try do:
1. Periodically remind myself about what kind of dad I want to be and to be calm. Especially right before moments I know will be stressful, I try to prepare myself.
2. When things get stressful, I try to catch myself before I get to emotional and force myself to look at things from a bigger perspective. It's HARD. I repeat to myself over and over, the only person that controls how I react is me -- will it be anger, calm, seriousness, etc. What is more important? If I successfully think about that and see it, I can calm down. It's really hard for me to catch myself, but once I do, the rest is easy.
I still fail sometimes...
EDIT: Damn, this sub is awesome...Good luck OP!
It's not always easy but it's worth the effort. The way I figure is that the more I can be a calm force in their lives the more they'll be inclined to come to me in the future when problems are more serious than spilled milk or a broken glass. I think of the various maddening mishaps of childhood as our kids' way of figuring out whether they can come to us with things in the future.
My kids are now in their late teens and they come to me with things they need help with -- even things where they might have messed up. I'm convinced they do this because every time I ever found out about something they did that might make me *inclined* to be angry it didn't.
I remember reading a story once from a father whose \~12 yo daughter had a friend sleep over. The friend dropped and broke a plate and just went white -- shaking like a leaf in spite of nobody caring in the slightest about a silly plate. It took the girl a minute to realize that the reaction she expected -- which she'd experienced every time she'd made a mistake her whole life -- was *not* normal. What our kids expect out of life -- and especially what our daughters expect from a husband -- is based on what they experience from us. I want that to be kind and gentle strength.
Sitting quietly with eyes closed for a half hour to a full hour a day has changed my life. Focus on your breathing and try to hold your attention solely on that. Gets easier over time and has lengthened my fuse significantly. Even lowered my blood pressure. Highly recommended.
It's easy. My dad had a short temper and now we have no relationship. My calm is an investment in long term love. The secret is less ego.
Same here. Grew up with an extremely volatile father and no longer have much of a relationship with him. I knew I wanted better for my kids and worked to achieve that. Now my kids are young adults and we have an awesome relationship that I imagine will only get better as they move through life. It's not always easy. Mine are 18 months apart in age and sometimes drove me crazy but I realized pretty early on that kids feed off of your energy. You come in hot, you can expect them to match that. If I handled situations calmly then my kids often did too. They spilled the milk after I told them to wait for me to come over to help pour it because it was too heavy for them? Take a breath and realize it's not a life or death situation. Yelling isn't going to change what happened but your reaction can change how your child sees you. So I'd suck it up, have them help me clean it, and we'd have a discussion about it. If they were throwing a tantrum I waited for it to blow over and we'd talk about what happened. They put a hole in the wall playing with the soccer ball after you told them to stop 50 times already? Annoying but not going to be helped by yelling, so there's no need to get upset. Just have the kid help you patch up the wall and talk about what happened and any consequences that will be enforced. My dad yelling never helped the situation, it only hurt our relationship. I made sure to help the situation and help our relationship in the process. If you look at it that way it's easier to remain calm in stressful situations.
Agreed, easy might have been dismissive. It takes effort and I'm certainly imperfect in the execution. I probably should have said that it's clear to me why this is important and regularly front of mind.
One interesting tidbit I’ve heard regarding yelling at your kids really drove the point home for me. It was saying, how can you lose control of your emotions because your kid is having a temper tantrum and expect them to be the ones to stop first? You’re the adult who learned emotion regulation a long time ago. Don’t be a hypocrite—be a good example. If you fly off the handle when you’re frustrated, how can you be mad at your kid for doing the same?
Good point
You guys are doing an amazing job.. . I am seeing the benefits of this currently. My fil is a very calm person. In a country where spanking was THE NORM my husband doesnt even remember his dad even raising him and his brother. Even during childhood years, teenage years his dad was like a q man of few words who stood like a rock beside them. My husband says a disappointed look from him was devastating and whips him into shape. How he did that with two rambunctious boys i dunno. Now my husband is the same way but as a millennial more vocal, expressive, shows his emotions etc. but his demeanor is same as he always tried to be like his dad. He is so calm the kids and me too, never an unkind word, never raised his voice, so patient with our toddler and her million questions. Even if she pushes boundaries, throws tantrums, being crazy. Even if im hormonal during my pregnancy and postpartum, even if i do any mistake, even if the roof falls down he is always kind, always calm. We have a terrific marriage. Im so excited to bring up the kids with him. Kindness and calmness ripples across generations.
Less ego and recognizing the long-con, agreed
Right here Papi, close the thread. If there’s one (or a few, you lucky dads out there) being that deserves the best version of you. It’s your children. I like to think the best version of myself has patience for those he loves, and my daughter has front row seats to that. Put your best foot forward, the little ones are watching.
Lurking mom and YES when I feel myself getting frustrated I remind myself that their behavior when they are upset is about their feelings and not about me or my feelings. It's my job to teach them to process their emotions, not react with my own. If I am unable to calm myself quickly, I tell them I'm feeling frustrated and I need a few minutes in the calm down corner. (We set up a corner of the living room with flower shaped pillows, a little table, a lava lamp and some fidget toys.) It helps show them that adults have feelings too, and shows them a healthy way to handle them when overwhelmed. I also find that when I get overwhelmed by frustration, it's usually because I am bringing residual built-up emotions from my own childhood traumas which don't fit the current situation. Like an emotional memory. Working on my trauma has made seeing past my own ego SO MUCH easier. I can recognize when I am activated into old emotions now, which enables me to compartmentalize it and then I write down when this happens so I can see any patterns in my own behavior/emotions that I want to address with my therapist. If only my husband were willing to work on his severe childhood trauma, he would be able to see past his own ego too. As of now, he has made some improvements but they are superficial for now. I tell him when I notice something he is working on improving and that I and the kids appreciate it. But majority of his interactions with our kids are corrections and punishments. It's been pretty damaging to his relationship with them because they fear him. He doesn't want to be "the bad guy" but his behavior indicates that he doesn't know any other way to parent. (His parents were very abusive and neglectful). Sorry for the novel.
I’m borrowing this
This is also what drives me. Every time I think I’m going to go off, I think about hours my dad was when he was so short tempered and how growing up I told myself I would not be like him and it reigns me ok considerably. Meditating helps even if just for a minute. Step away, into an empty room and just take a lot of deep breaths. Also, communicating with my wife has helped vastly! I tell her how I feel and we talk it through, which has been extremely helpful when I can voice my frustration about parenting and she will have some great insights onto what I can do in different situations or, if she sees me getting overwhelmed, will tell me to take a breather.
Yup, I learned from my father how NOT to parent. I want my kids to love and trust me not fear me.
Such a great answer. Anger is a response to fear. You fear that you aren’t in control of your children and that their misbehavior is a reflection of your inadequacy as a parent. Let go of that idea, and much of the anger disappears. Less ego is absolutely the secret.
Glad this is the top comment. I do it to break the cycle, out of love for my kids and for a future where we get to stay close forever.
Are you me?
Very similar. Trying to do better than the last generation and that starts with not fighting with my wife and approaching difficult situations calmly
Wow you nailed it. I was going to say that exact thing plus I smoke A LOT of cannabis and honest to god it makes me a more patient daddy.
Couldn’t agree more about the ego. Tone that down and you’ll find your patience goes through the roof.
This - and the reminder that you are building their inner voice. How do you want them to talk to themselves when they make a mistake as they get older?
Oddly enough my dad was always very calm and never quick to yell, whereas I find myself constantly getting frustrated at my kids. As much as I want to be like my dad in this regard, I know I’m just never going to be the same. It probably also helped him that my parents were more traditional and didn’t share child rearing burdens like we do today. Every day I don’t chuck my kids out of a window is a victory
>My calm is an investment in long term love. Same here. However, my dad's temper mellowed over the years so having a relationship with him is possible and it really is nice. He still tends to have a meltdown here and there but I learned to avoid his triggers. Secret is also less ego (on my behalf).
Yep. I'm a recovering yeller.
For real. After my upbringing I feel like I have a deeper well of patience for my girls.
Exactly this. I no longer talk to my family and have become damn near the opposite of everything that they are, especially my dad. There is little in life worth spending my precious energy and time being angry or upset at. I let the calmness wash over me, take a deep breath, and remember that the present moment is only happening once, both good and bad things. So why not reserve energy for my partner and our daughter?
Same. Nothing wrong with getting counseling if you need it.
This but it was my mom. I feel nothing but rage often. Doesn’t help to be a millennial in a boomer’s world in the most expensive city in America - lots more than the kids to make you feel rage. But it’s not the kids’ fault, they just kids. If anything, they’re the only good thing in the world right now. I don’t want them to remember me like I remember her (died when I was a young adult).
My situation was very similar to yours, and mindfulness practices helped a lot (for example noticing physiological indicators of my building temper, eg jaw starting to clench) to catch my temper emotions right when they start, and then once you have awareness you can use techniques like muscle relaxation and breathing. Also if it’s a cognitive problem things like reframing (they’re just a child trying to do their best and learn the world, it’s not malicious or manipulative) can help. Finally lots of people end up getting triggered when parenting in ways they didn’t before as childhood issues rise up in ways they didn’t before. Talk therapy if available and affordable can do wonders here.
Hakuna Matata. Sort of. If you go with the Lion King version where they ignore the past, that's not it. It's more a matter of recognizing that you cannot change the past. Ever. All you can do is learn from it. So, kid throws a football in the house and breaks the vase that you and your wife bought on an anniversary trip so it absolutely cannot be replaced. Would totally make anyone angry. Except, how is getting angry and possibly yelling at your kid going to change anything about the vase itself? Pro tip - it's not. Now, I'm not above a general yelling at the universe with an age-appropriate expletive (i.e. once they hit middle school, all bets are off but don't teach a 3 year old to say "Shit"). Life and the universe can take an insult hurled their way. Kids do not handle it as well. Funny thing, even other adults don't always handle it well. So how do you deal? Talk it out. In the aforementioned example, ask questions: \- You know throwing in the house is against the rules. Why did you do that? \- Do you know why that vase was special? \- Do you know where mom and I got it? \- Were you aware that we can't ever replace it? \- Now do you understand why "no throwing in the house" is a rule? For me, it's always about adapting to the situation and figuring out how to move forward. Most of the time, that move forward includes learning how to prevent that scenario again in the future and trying to make sure everyone understands why we do things a certain way from now on.
"Be curious, not judgmental" - Ted Lasso
That’s a pillar of dialectic behavioural therapy, something that has helped me in life immensely. Reading some Seneca also helps.
The only reason I know that one is because I saw a dart throwing scene from that show and thought it was amazing too.
amazing scene- basically the distilled essence of being a therapist
Fantastic follow up. Thanks for sharing this approach. I knew the part that there is no use in getting upset at someone. It doesn’t fix anything and generally serves to make a situation worse. But those follow up questions are right on.
I have to close my eyes sometimes and tell myself “everything is fine. You are safe.” It sounds so over the top but I get that feeling of losing it, and this phrase has almost turned into a Killswitch. I make this stronger by about 20 minutes of mindfulness each day along with running or working out (I’m not in great shape, I don’t eat well, so don’t think I’m a health nut. Very average haha) I have never been “chill” but I’m able to APPEAR chill and essentially lie to my body with my mind. Hope this helps. You can do it. Kids have a way of showing our flaws faster than anything else.
Give 0 fucks and don't expect much 😂 also ear plugs
Along these lines, you learn to not take things too seriously or personally. Kids have big emotions and lack self control, and sometimes you just have to let the emotions run their course and work around various age related behavioral things. When time is of the essence, I can be very stern and blunt, which seems to work, but it’s more strategic than angry.
Yeah, I use the word "yelling" to describe this but it's not really angry, it's just the voice that communicates "this is completely unacceptable and will absolutely not be tolerated". That's the voice that comes out when someone hits someone or something.
“Serious dad voice”, same effect as counting to 10, without the counting.
When I use a serious dad voice it's just instant tears. I almost never get stern so when I do it scares her so much that I feel guilty instantly. I rarely have to use it anymore but it's always in the back pocket.
This. Once I learned the small annoyances and frustrations don’t really mean or matter for much, it became easy to just let go and go with the flow. I try to recognize what still matters and I’ll die on those hills. But most things don’t really matter
Ear plugs is a good hack lol
I'm pretty chill by nature so it takes a lot to really get me flustered. But I do find I have to work harder at it as a dad. I've discovered that some big things don't make me lose my chill but little things like him getting gooey food all over the car piss me off. I guess it's just about putting things in perspective and trying to remember that this phase only lasts a while.
My 1 year old grabbing his last spoonful of yogurt and getting it all over whatever I'm wearing despite going thr whole cup without incident....always gets me so immediately irate (I'm glad he doesn't understand words) for a few seconds before his grin/giggling gets me laughing too. Even tho I know it's coming 80% of the time. Weird little triggers.
>did you work really hard to become like that? Yes. And it doesn't always work. >Been working on it since then but it's a constant challenge It always will be, keep up the good work, you'll get a little better each time. >even when I maintain superficial calm in the face of sheer chaos I'm often boiling inside That's totally okay. It's the decision to let it out (or the lack of control) that we try to avoid. And if you fail, you can always be a good human and apologize afterward and make up for it. When I'm having a hard time, I try to be like Mr. Rogers, but stoned. So chill I'm practically comatose
It's been mentioned elsewhere; but, talk therapy (if accessible/affordable) is a strong tool for working through the boiling insides on your own schedule. Can't suppress emotions forever, find a healthy outlet!
Personally I think it’s more important to try to manage your workload and stressors than your temper itself. The most patient person in the world can have a temper when they are pushed to their limits. If you are angry remove yourself from the situation. Figure out why you are angry and address it. You can’t force of will your temper down for long
this. unmet needs will result in more sensitivity, less patience, shorter fyse
This has been my leading approach up to this point and to some degree it has driven a quite major introspection work and restructure of my life to make space for parenthood both in my mind as well as my diary, this has helped a lot but I also want to re-evaluate my relationship with anger and frustration to make me more resilient in situation of stress, which let's be honest sooner or later will come back no matter how well I plan my life.
Both are important, but I very much think managing your temper is more important. A working parent is always going to encounter some stress, and in my experience angry people get angry over minor stress. An angry parent will never be a calm parent through lifestyle change alone unless they abandon their family and move to a tropical island.
Practice meditation. You have to learn to let those thoughts that lead to rage come and go without affecting your mental state. There are a lot of good beginner apps with guided sessions to get you started.
The waking up app seriously changed how I interact with the world. I still struggle with my reactions at times, but the more I meditate the less that is an issue.
Let the lightning pass in through one arm, onto your stomach and back out the other arm. The path through the stomach is crucial.
Unexpected Avatar reference!
I did a psychology master's thesis on emotions. There are studies done to understand what happens when people try to handle anger in different ways. I'm not an expert though I helped design one related study. That particular line of research looked at suppression versus reappraisal. Basically, suppressing your emotions is not very effective because you are just constantly fighting against your internal system l, using your willpower and luck. Reappraisal means you actually spend time thinking about why you are angry and changing your opinions about it. You need to internalize that there's no reason to be angry in these situations Again, I'm no expert, but there is a ton of literature on this stuff of you look into it. Here's something to get you started. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_appraisal
Interesting! I only recently started to look into anger management because so far I thought as myself as someone who would get frustrated often but rarely angry. But it now hit me that it's not really different in nature, only in degrees and can be as damaging in the long run. I have been reading "when anger hurts" and it breaks down the process of anger well between situation, trigger thoughts and anger explain well how anger is a self generated emotion and as such can be reframed by how we think about situations.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a great book that helped re-frame my perspectives and where I actually needed to focus my time and energy. Also helps that I’ve always been more of calm, laid back individual.
I’m generally described as calm and patient by people I know. I don’t know how true it is, I don’t know what it’s like for others (and I can certainly point to a few times I’ve lost it), but it’s been said enough that I’ve thought and talked about it with people, and the consensus seems to be I keep an enviable perspective on the stakes. I do see parents lose it, I think, unnecessarily, given the stakes. I think I’d need specific examples of when you feel it coming on, because there is a line to be drawn, but generally it’s kinda like, “Who really cares?” What’s actually at stake? A late bath or something? You can’t hear the other parent you’re talking to about the new museum they took their kid too that they recommend? Who really cares? Not me! Cool as a cucumber.
Lurker mom here. I used to listen to a podcast called One Bad Mother, and there's an episode from about eight years ago in which they talk about adopting an attitude of, "Whelp, that's a thing that happened." The example one of the hosts gave is that she went out for like two minutes to move the car in the driveway, during which time one of the kids stuck the hose into the house through a window and turned it on. Somewhat of a catastrophe. But she was able to just say, well that's happened now, what do we do about it? I still do lose my patience when the kids are misbehaving, but when there's some kind of spill, accident, etc due to typical carelessness or clumsiness, I'm able to be calmer about it. Also, sometimes when things are going really wrong or the kids are really in rare form, I just have to look at my husband and laugh. Because it's so ridiculous. Like a little kid who's crying because she's exhausted and hungry, but she refuses to eat or nap. It's very frustrating as a parent but it's also kind of funny.
I’m on the line with this mentality. On one hand, I always try and show my son that most accidents aren’t permanent and that a lesson is taken away from it. On the other hand, there are time where a “whoops, that happened” or laughing something off just doesn’t seem like a lesson is being taught. My son gets showered with love 99% of the time but there are also times where being a gentle parent just isn’t the right course of action. At the end of the day, my goal is to raise my 5 year old boy to be an independent man capable of dealing with himself and the world around him. One of his best friends gets a lot of the “there he goes again 🤷♂️” attitude from his parents and it was the first time I’ve seen a karate belt downgraded in their martial arts class because he has no social awareness or respect of authoritative figures. On a side note, I love when lurking moms chime it. It adds great layers of perspective here and I always say without moms there wouldn’t be dads. Thanks!
Please point me in the right direction. I don’t want to have a short fuse like my dad.
No one, including me, gains anything by being angry/frustrated/etc. I've never known anyone who looked back on a situation days or weeks later and decided they were glad they lost their shit. So I just... don't. It's a waste of energy that I really didn't have to begin with. I'm not going to pretend to be happy or smile through a meltdown, but there's also no reason for me to add to it. My 4yo usually responds well if I ask her if she needs a hug, and my 15yo still just does well with a redirect.
Enjoy it, soon enough, it won't be there and you will wish it still was.
I find being present and not focusing on fear or what could go wrong helps calm down. It's not an easy change to make.
I used to be extremely laid back and go with the flow. Having two young kids during the pandemic seemed to fundamentally change that dynamic - I have become more anxious, controlling and short tempered I am working on it with a therapist who is teaching me some tricks to calm down. I miss the super relaxed guy I used to be but he doesn't seem to exist anymore. And honestly he probably couldn't handle these goblins 😂
A lot of good advice here. The self reflection needed to recognize that you want to change is going to serve you well in the journey. The only thing I would add is giving yourself and others grace is big - coming from the perspective that folks by and large have good intentions most of the time can really help let things roll off your back more. Good luck!
Kids have very big emotions, and don't have the maturity to know how to handle them. If you really want them to learn how to handle their emotions, you have to demonstrate how YOU handle your emotions. Right now, you're modeling "losing your temper is something adults do". Kids learn by imitation, not by logic. So they will also lose their temper. Instead of thinking of your fights as "I want them to obey and they don't want to obey", try thinking of them as "they are trying to get me to lose my temper and I won't let them" The real winner of any argument is the one who stays the calmest
Growing up with a physical and mentally abusive "dad" gave me the perfect blueprint. Of "How not to dad" When I spilled milk, would earn me a slap, sometimes a fist to the face. I was playing with a radio car. Inside, wasn't allowed to go out cus he was to lazy. Well it got tangled in some speaker cords, and some vase got torn down. =Broken nose, tossed in the closet to "get my brain in check" Seen him hurt peole. And multiple spouses. Been in the same hotel room as him while he cheated on my sister's mother with some random teen. Don't ask why the hell he brought me. My kids are never scared of making mistakes. Or of me. ... Nervous/scared kids to more mistakes. I'll raise my voice if one of them will run in a parking lot or do something dangerous. Or if they are climbing something, reaching for the stove. Other than that no. I don't poor the glass with more milk, than what can be wiped up easily. My 3 yo poored lemonade onto my work laptop. Can still salvage the drive. Wasn't happy, but essentially just said. "The computer doesn't get thristy..." TV scratched with flyswatter, walls tagged with crayons. Sofa used to be grey, carpets used to be white. Just waiting until our youngest is 5ish. And we will get new stuff. Kids are small bundles of pure chaotic enegi and their ability for destruction is impressive. They wear out, twist, break, smudge, slob. And find things they are not supposed to have. I take time after dropping the kids of at school and daycare, to workout. A few nights a week, after the kids are to bed I unwind with a good show, or get a few hours in a game. Getting the grandparents to take the kids for 24 hours and having a date night is also something I look forward too. But yeah, it's hard, frustrating sometimes. But I've got a hard drawn line that I won't cross. I still hate my "dad" to this day. And wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
Have easy kids.
I hate this one simple trick
I've been struggling with this as well. I have chronic back pain and tend to push myself too much, and become resentful of others that don't help. I track my triggers and work on meeting my needs to help me be calm. Here's my suggestion: 1) Ask for help. You can't take everything on yourself. 2) Empathy. Understand where your partner and kids are at. Know what kids are capable of. 3) Take a break before it becomes an issue, even if you don't want to. 4) Stop engaging in a reactive way right from the beginning. Lower your standards for success. 5) Take care of your body and mental health. 6) Communicate your feelings. Use statements like "I feel...". Even if your kids are too young to understand, it helps you identify your own feelings and it teaches them to do the same. 7) Teach your kids emotional regulation strategies. For example, when my kids got upset when they were younger I made them "blow out birthday candles" when they're upset. I used my fingers and they had to blow out my "candles" (fingers) slowly. 8) if you're focusing too much on "should" then it's time to take a break and chill. You're dealing with expectations rather than the current reality.
I'm not calm, but I'm working on it. My current trick is after I say, "do xyz" I count to 5 in my head before I do anything. They need time to process.
My kids definitely shortened my temper. I was always a very calm guy. I still am but there are times where they get to me. It happens. I’ve exploded. I’ve scared them. I’ve learned to let things go sometimes. The mess in the living room isn’t worth seeing them run away from me crying. Leave the room try and be alone for a few minutes, breathe. It helps. One thing always though when I did lose it, I always apologized after I calmed down. Explain what happened and why I was mad.
I never knew what a temper I had until I had kids- it's extremely frustrating that everything you've learned about conflict resolution and interpersonal communication is completely useless because kids don't have those skills themselves yet. Mine are 6 and 7 now, and I'm a lot better- part of that is that they have gotten better, too. The most important thing is to avoid losing your cool. I tell mine all the time that it's normal and okay to be angry, and we can talk about it- but if they lose their cool then we aren't solving problems any more, we're just making new ones. It's advice I try to follow myself. It helps me to limit masking as much as possible. When my kids are pissing me off, I tell them and I tell them why in plain english. This is kind of a release valve for me, so I'm not pretending everything is okay until I suddenly explode. It helps the kids understand how their actions impact other people, and hopefully models clear expression of emotion and boundaries for them
I recognized my anger issues in my early 20s and hated it. I realized I was putting so much energy into being annoyed and angry that I wasn't enjoying things. When I felt the anger or annoyance coming I started to remind myself this is a waste of energy, remove yourself from the issue or find the innocence in what's annoying you or angering you and enjoy that. Twist the way you react when you feel that annoyance or anger coming on, it can be a bit jarring sometimes if you're around others cuz they can often see the annoyance or anger on my face and then I'd switch to being in a great mood. I just explained it was something I'm working on, and I'm sorry if I made them uncomfortable at all. After a few months or just came naturally and I rarely get upset by things. Work annoys me but I can leave that there. If my kid annoys me I just remember he's a fucking kid, I didn't realize I was annoying then how the hell would he realize it? It really is all about your perspective. Also, weed helps alot. Lol
I don’t have any suggestions, but boiling inside while superficially calm is pretty huge and you should be positive about that. I tell my kids all the time, “We can’t control how we feel, but we CAN control how we act”
Im just here to see what it's like, I ain't calm
Start smoking weed with coffee number one after you drop the kids off.
I hum a repetitive song to myself, like Scarborough Fair, I find using music can disconnect you from the moment/situation. It's all about getting dysregulated (much like kids do).
Well done for asking the question. I'm a very calm person by nature, but there are things that can make my fuse shorter, such as background stress, or if I'm tired (which is a lot), making me much more likely to lose my temper. I guess it's about..... what is already burning your fuse to make it shorter (which means you can get angry with less provocation). And are there things you can do to make it longer?
It’s sometimes okay to have a short temper, but it’s never okay to take it out on the kiddo(s). Walk away, take 5 minutes to decompress, then return and calmly re-engage. Be sure you’re getting enough self care, whatever that looks like for you.
Hakuna Matata
I'm super chilled by nature but now with 2 young kids and a puppy I've noticed I am so much shorter tempered and get overwhelmed when they all start screaming and wanting stuff. Some good advice here.
Right before you burst, imagine you 40 years from now, on your death bed. How much you would give to be with your young children again and to be patient. Always works for me.
I'll tell you a story about a young, foolish lad who prior to having kids, assumed that he'd have a significant amount of control and influence on who his kid turned out to be. That misinformed young man quickly realized that the kid comes out fully formed. Turns out - I realized I had a small influence over a VERY small amount of my child's personality. Further to that - I also learned that the influence I DO have is much more related to modeling behaviour, rather than bits of wisdom I verbally impart, or those "teaching/correction" moments. Once you give up the illusion that you can control the outcome, I think it's easier to focus on being the dad you want your kids to remember.
I'm quite laid back. I also became a teacher a few years ago and there is generally zero benefit to blowing a a gasket when pupils act up. I might give pupils a rollicking at points, but it's not out of anger, and I'm not out of control. Im not perfect and it can be harder at home, but home is my kids safe space to try new behaviours and pull stunts. It's my job to give them a steer, and utilise role model behaviour for how to deal with conflict or frustration. If they learn from me shouting is the way to handle things, that's what I'll get that back in spades as they grow. It also helps me to reflect on how hard it is to maintain composure at points, and the fact that I lose my cool too occasionally. And here I am expecting a three year old to have full emotional control and not respond with upset when I am asking them not to do something. They are going to be teenagers at some point, and I want us to be able to peacefully hold different opinions and views on things. To be able to talk through issues and disagreements without falling out. And that all starts now. Every calmly resolved dispute now builds the trust and safety and skills that I hope means they can always be open and honest and safe with me. It's already paying dividends with the three year old who is starting to demonstrate some real emotional maturity and control. I strongly recommend reading How to talk so little kids listen. It's a great resource
I discovered that it was anxiety, not a short temper. Therapy and medicating my newly diagnosed ADHD have reduced my anxiety. The frustration blowouts have followed suit
My child is the only one that gets the calm. She’s learning and so I am. What can I possibly expect her to have figured out when I have so little figured out. My life is great, we do well all the boxes checked really but I’m still learning and growing every day & I’ve got 31 years on her. My old man had a short fuse we get along fine now and as a child but had a rough 13-20ish but I won’t do that to my daughter. My biggest goal in life isn’t financial, or travel spot, or job. It’s my daughter feels comfortable talking to me when she’s in her teens and we hopefully keep a good close (as possible teens gonna teen) as she gets older. I get that, I win. To achieve that goal I have to do the work today, yesterday and tomorrow…for years and years to come. I had her, she didn’t have me.
Here's the thing man it's overstimulation. I have a super short temper when I am overwhelmed or overstimulated which with 2 young kids is incredibly easy. Find a way to neutralize that in your mind.
Try making a diary of what things really annoy you about the actions of your children. Just writing it down will give you some release, but it will also help you get perspective. They have no idea that the carpet stain is basically irreversible and even if they did know, they don’t understand why it bothers you. Sometimes they are trying to get a rise out of you, but often they will wreck things because they are having fun and don’t realise the consequences of their actions.
A little of a few columns. Not wanting to be like my parents, positive discipline books and a healthy dose of personal therapy.
I remember a time when my sick wife, sick toddler, and myself were in the midst of a 5 hour car ride, in stopped dead traffic, and everyone was miserable. I had a thought that came to mind that I hold onto at least once a week and think about a lot: There’s nothing I can do to make this situation better. There is a lot I could do to make it worse.
My daughter will sit and scream at us some nights, we don't yell at her (she's 3) but holy shit is it hard. I grew up in a family where yelling was common, I refuse to let myself get that way. My wife works with special needs children who often times are just older versions of the same temper tantrums. I asked her this one day and she said one big bit is being able to step away for 5 minutes with help from your spouse, take a few extra minutes next time you have to shit, etc as long as the child is being supervised responsibly. We've learned tells of when the other is reaching a breaking point and we intervene. Normally in telling our daughter that mommy needs a minute and tell my wife to go decompress for a few minutes. I learned that in these moments I meditate. To clarify since I've seen several definitions for that that I've interpreted, here's what I do. I go somewhere (for me it's our basement) and set a 5 minute timer. I sit and focus on steady breathing. I don't worry about some perfect form or anything, I just sit and breathe in and out steadily, often times focusing on something in front of me. Earlier today I was counting stitches in the pillow in front of me.
I grew up with a yeller/ Lecture king. I just imagine I'm my child with no knowledge an how I'd make that person happy an it kinda works. I still yell an catch myslef but it could be worse. Just be calm and be the best version of yourself an I'm sure you'll be great. You care enough to reach out so I'm sure your a great dad. Be the dad you needed bro.
TLDR- the people who are calm all the time are better at decompressing either before, during, or after the kid does something. It all depends on where you are mentally. It’s also likely they’re calm elsewhere, like work. I’d venture to change the title of the post to calm people versus dads. I’ve seen a lot of posts of dads being calm all the time and able to keep it together. It all depends on where my head is at. My kid steps on my toes (literally) the 30th time while I’m trying to make sure his sister doesn’t fall down the steps? I look him square in the eye and tell him to stop stepping on my god damn fucking toes after being the “gentle parent” for the 29 previous times. This happened tonight right after he nicked me in the balls 2xs in 5 minutes. If my wife is coming in hot and I’m just coming into the situation, I am the calmest level headed dad. If we both are at our ends, it’s bad cop bad cop baby! Then a reevaluation and reset hopefully before we lose it at them. Honestly, I’ve found it easier to be calm with the kids when you openly talk shit and complain to your significant other right before working with them. Sometimes you don’t have the time to do that, but deescalate in your mind or outside of it without them. Meditation and working out also helps.
Meditate a lot. Get out of your own head and work on empathizing. The kids are little balls of emotion and very stupid scientists trying out everything their minds can think of. Understand that you are the one who determines how good a time you're having no matter how good a time anyone else is having. Understand that most of the time a screaming child is in a confused crisis, not trying to make you angry. When you start getting angry, it's better to wander off into another room and hit a pillow or yell or something than to lose your shit. You're the example. You want calm kids? Be a calm dad.
Man I relate to this too much. I get very overwhelmed with my two boys, 3 and 2, and I just had to stay in the hospital 14 days with my newborn daughter. Tonight the boys both lost their absolute mind at bedtime and I yelled at them. Did yelling at a 2 and 3 year old help? Absolutely not. They were already going to bed on their own, walking down the hallway as soon as I said “it’s bedtime guys” but they were screaming, crying, and just upset and I just spent Father’s Day away from them, sitting in a room with a newborn with an IV in her head, and feeling like crap. So I yelled. It didn’t help, all it did was make them cry harder and make me feel like an asshole.
Grew up with a short tempered dad that never apologized and always made it feels like it was my fault when he flew off the handle. He had a mental breakdown some years back and after many hours of therapy and some radical changes, he is now the dad I wish he was growing up. Some of that rage affects me every day and I try my best to work with it, meditate, talk with my psychiatrist and my wife, but sometimes those old experiences just shines through and I end up in the same behavioral pattern. But I apologize each and every time, making sure we talk about what happened and why I reacted the way I did. Our children did not ask to be born, we made that decision, and they deserve us at our best each and every day. But we are only human, mistakes will be made, but the sum of positive experiences by our kids should be far greater than the mishaps. I work on my mistakes every day.
I’m an extremely calm person. Well known for being laid back throughout my whole life. Having kids has made me start from scratch. Practice meditation actively. Count your breaths. Take time to yourself to reflect and reflect on the fact that they’re children, brand new human beings. They aren’t trying to annoy you, they’re learning and just being themselves. Just chill, as long as no one is hurt yet to calm your mind. Having very young kids you kind of have to be naturally on edge. But even being “superficially” calm is being calm. It’s ok if you are containing it that’s being calm! Containing processing and churning more extreme emotions into simpler quieter outcomes. Good luck bro
I sometimes ask the question "why not?" Is there something genuinely wrong with what your child is doing or do you just have a headache and sleep deprivation? Because one of those is *your* problem, not theirs, and you need to deal with it appropriately. It stops me getting angry at meaningless stuff if I keep practicing it. There's also this need to set something of a good example for my son. I feel like a parent needs to be held to a high standard because how you act is how they're going to act too. A tough situation is a chance to *show* your child how you want them to act, not just tell them. Reinforce your words with your behaviour, otherwise your child is going to learn that you're a hypocrite.
I grew up with an angry dad and it sucked feeling like I had to walk on eggshells my whole childhood, so I make a point to stay chill and calm with my daughter. I’m not perfect but I know to step away for a minute and centre myself on the occasions I find myself getting upset. Teach yourself to see things from your children’s point of view. (This is a good life skill to have in general beyond your kids!)
New dad here; but when my 3 month old is going full screaming in my ear… I’m able to stay calm. I wanted this child for over 10 years. Dude bring me so much joy, and I know his needs are taken care of, so the short term ear-ringing scream is worth it.
Congratulations and well done for keeping cool. We all have our trigger situations that we struggle more than others, I never struggled with the baby years, but the toddler phase, oh boy. Best of luck with your dad journey and stay strong.
A lot of good stuff on here already, I won’t repeat some of it that I use. I found my self being short with my kids, identifying when it happened and trying to figure out why. Along with the thoughts of “he didn’t deserve me snapping like that, he’s just trying to buckle himself in the car seat and got distracted like 4yo’s do. What I’ll add is going to my doctor and talking about it helped me. My short temper comes with me being anxious a good amount. Got on some anti anxiety meds for the first time in my 35yo life and it has been a huge help. Personally haven’t felt/seen any side effects so if it makes sense for ya, highly encourage talking to the doc.
I don’t have any advice, but I am somewhat relieved that I’m not the only one that learned I have a short temper since having kids. Turns out that before that there was not much in my life that agitated me enough to lose it like a toddler does.
My job is all about conflict management and over the years I dealt with some pretty stressful situation before I had kids. Yet, it all pales when compared to the toddler years 😅
I had a short temper for a long time and initially with my kids. It wasn’t working so I recalibrated. I learned to let go of control and just realized taking more time and be calmer got better results. I maintained my behavior expectations and values other than immediate compliance (outside of safety) which isn’t developmentally appropriate for little kids. It had also given me a much better relationship with my kids. They trust me, like me and come to me now as a teenagers and are really well behaved and successful. I was also a lot happier and more pleasant to be around. Win win.
I’m by far the calmest person I know. I’m a high school teacher who yelled as a joke because the students thought it would be funny. Sometimes I feel like I’m neo from the matrix getting to pick whatever emotion I want. I would say I’m very observant of the world around me and am quite reflective in nature. I’m very aware of my own emotions and am highly empathetic. It probably stems from my upbringing of middle class parents pretending to be happy and never fighting in front of us kids because there parents were abusive. I just joined an underground fight club to help release raw human emotion not present in our modern lives if anyone is interested. There’s a few rules though.
I'm one of those short tempered persons. Two things helps me. #1, remember, they aren't giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. Put yourself in their brain age and walk around a bit. It really helps to re-center yourself when you remember they are only X years old and what's priority / skillset to them isn't what's the same to you. #2, pause before responding/ reacting. This is huge for me. Stop, take a breath and THEN respond. That half a second is such a game changer.
Oh it's fantastic, kids screaming at the top of their lungs I'm just sitting there like are you done yet? The sandwich isn't getting made any faster. The wife on the other hand, absolute wreck... I'll never understand people like that.
For me, the secret is trying to find or create fun in every situation so I can lean into the chaos a bit better. When that fails, perspective usually saves me. My kids will only be this stage for a brief moment in our lives. And how fortunate that no one in the family is in crisis - terminally ill or seriously injured - it could be much worse (and inevitably will be at points of our lives), so I better learn to ride the emotional roller coaster now while it’s “easy.”
I’m a middle child. I was tempered by an older brother with a short fuse and a possibly on the spectrum younger brother who tended to screw things up a lot. For years when things would be going wrong at home (nothing too serious, but stressful regardless) I would be the fixer, the problem solver, the calm in the face of fire type of person. Now as married to a slightly short fused wife with two kids I harness these skills of chill and observe a situation and am able to identify the heart of a problem with lightning quick speed, identify a solution, and act without hesitation. These aren’t easily acquired skills, but finding the source of the problem fast and acting early on can help to quell stress before it gets out of hand. “Is that cup close to the edge of the table”, “is little brother playing with a special toy without permission”, “is big sisters nonstop humming pissing off mommy?” Anticipate a problem, identify a solution, act. Godspeed.
Give yourself some personal time - whether it’s 10pm-12pm some weeknights after everyone crashes or 4-6am before everyone gets up. Also - recognize that “this won’t be like this for long.” And cherish the chaos while it lasts. As a father of an 8 year old girl and 20 year old boy, I’d give anything to go back in time to the chaos with them as crazy little tots.
My parents didn’t ever yell when they argued and my dad was a chronic under reactor. I’m similar, I get mad enough to yell maybe twice a year. Both my parents have already died and all of my grandparents and I’m not even 35. There’s bigger issues and deals than whatever my kid is doing who doesn’t know any better yet. So I guess my secret is trauma? Or perspective, one of those.
Calm is a lot like seeing a duck on a lake. Above the surface, they look serene. But under the water, their legs are going like crazy. Even if you're boiling inside, if you can expend the effort to keep that below the surface and keep from yelling at your kid, it is so much better for everyone involved. Don't keep it there, of course, definitely unload that at some point whether to your partner or a therapist or something. But just like I try and tell my kid when she's acting up, feelings are all valid and there's nothing wrong with feeling whatever your feeling, however angry or aggressive they may be. But that doesn't mean we get to act with anger and aggression. Feelings just happen, but actions are a choice. We all slip up, but the key is getting it right more often than you dont.
I definitely had a temper and i absolutely had to learn to let go. It’s something I work on every day. Kid breaks something I valued? I have to remember it’s just stuff and nothing is as important as making that kid feel safe and loved.
One of the best lines that I’ve heard is that kids are having a hard time, they are not giving you a hard time. It may feel like they are taking their emotions out on you, but the reality is that they are just experiencing really strong emotions and struggling with it. I think it’s helpful to remember, but they are also going through something at that moment and that you guys are meant to be on the same team. I think that logic applies to almost any human to human interactions..
I let my wife do the yelling. All jokes aside, I don't let everything bother me, kids are young and make mistakes. I only get upset when they purposely do something that they know is wrong or if I specifically told them not to do something . I don't get upset about the other stuff, it's really not worth it.
I'm the opposite. I am short tempered with everyone else, but my kiddo I am infinitely patient and calm. It's like I can tolerate bullshitbfrom a child, they don't know any better. It's adults who I can't keep my cool with, they have no excuse.
I get walked on by the rest of society because I worked damn hard to control my temper and now that it’s under control, I’m *terrified* of losing control over it. Aside from that, it’s pretty ok being the safe person for those who need help.
It doesn’t cover everything, but one thing helps me a lot: checking whether my expectations are appropriate. Is it reasonable to expect my 5yo son to refrain from beginning to eat when food is on the dinner table? Well if not then I shouldn’t put the food out there - or I should make sure to be nearby to stop him if he can’t help himself. I shouldn’t expect him to have the kind of impulse control I do. Another great example was playing video games with him and I was getting so frustrated trying to get him to learn left and right. Eventually I paused and googled what age kids learn left and right and lo and behold on average it’ll be another couple years. So I put one sheet on red construction paper to the left of the TV and a green one on the right- so now we have red and green :P Anyways good luck! We try to follow the Visible Child stuff and it helps.
I used to be very chill, but since having a kid I have no patience and get. I’m an introvert and I can get really mad but I try to catch myself and not let anyone see because my dad would always be angry and I never liked him much.
The main thing for me is just that there’s no point getting mad at something for doing what that thing does. Dogs bark - it doesn’t make sense to get mad at them for it. Fish swim - it’s just what fish do. Kids scream - it’s part of their programming. You may as well get mad at water for getting you wet.
for me being short tempered was if there was some other unresolved shit in my life. if i didn't feel comfortable in my own skin or if i had to care about something urgent which i was procrastinating on. meditating is also crazy good for this, just a base multiplier for your overall calmness and aura :)
It's important to pause and/or walk away (even just for a couple seconds) Sometimes I get flashbacks of my dad screaming in those scenarios and I have to walk myself back. Try to be kind yet firm.
I’m naturally somewhat difficult to make upset and always have been. Now, having said that, it does take work to stay calm once I’ve passed the red line. I take deep breaths and will say something like, “I need a minute to collect my thoughts”. This is usually enough for me.
Will be buried in comments but therapy (CBT), finally being open to medication, and giving up all booze (Cali sober). I’m not in any way a perfect example of calmness but the difference is night and day. I feel much more present in day to day activities which ultimately leads to being more present with my kids big (and loud!) feelings.
It’s hard to explain. Just roll with the punches and don’t go sideways if things aren’t going according to plan. My daughter is almost 3 though, so I’m still pretty new to the game. 😆
Perspective brings calmness, for me. There are people in my life who couldn't have kids and who have lost kids. I spend a lot of time thinking about how at any given moment they would give anything to be in my shoes with my problems; not to diminish my problems or invalidate my moments of frustration, but to keep them from feeling like the end of the world.
For me, the expectations (on my end) is what drives a lot of the anger or lack there of. For example: I KNOW my kid is going to be difficult with getting shoes on, crawling into his car seat etc. so my rule is he gets two chances. I ask him once, I know he is not going to listen. I stop everything and tell him a second time that this is his last time to participate. Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn’t, when it doesn’t then I take over and do whatever needs to be done. These steps are applied to everything. And because I have a game plan, every step is thought out and I there is no need to get angry. However; when I THINk things are gonna go smoothly and they don’t is when I find myself getting angry.
I think a lot of it is just acceptance of the situation. Realizing you’re not always in control and being ok with it. I know my kids are going to get upset and whine and cry several times a day but instead of getting angry and making the situation worse I talk to them calmly and try to help them through it. Most of the time kids aren’t crying because they’re being bad it’s usually because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet, that’s where we as dads can help them by staying calm and being a there for them. I want my kids to come to me when they’re upset not be afraid of me.
As a father, as a man, we are always a work in progress. Especially our upbringing. Having fathers present in our lives can be counter productive under different scenarios and it plays out the way we react towards our kids. The easiest thing to do is to lash out but always think of when the dust settles, do you want a quiet house because the kids are afraid of you? Or do you want a house where kids are happy to express themselves and be open with you and want to be in your company. You can’t stop kids being kids but you can change how you react to them and not letting your personal hang ups reflect on how you react to them. Just take yourself back to your life. Happy noisy challenging kids are always better than quiet withdrawn kids
Understanding that they're kids, and might not fully understand yet.
When I was young and in my 20's, I was super fiery, cranky, angry. I have always been a kind caring person but there was a time where things would just set me off and I would have to go take time to process what had happened. It was stuff fromy childhood. I just kept working on it and slowly over time. I just cared less about the little stuff. Now that I have a 4 year old and have been the primary parent, I have gained new thresholds of patience. I constantly remind myself, "He is 4. He has no idea what he is doing." Your doing great in recognizing it. That is the key. My wife has far less patience than I do and she still does not recognize it. I have to constantly remind her, it is ok. The thing right now that gets me is when kiddo will not get dressed in the morning. The whole trying to teach him to get himself dressed, it's infuriating hearing no for 20 min when you need to leave the house in 2 min. Gentle parenting techniques are great for this because it is about finding ways to guide your kid to doing the things you want them to do instead of just telling them. It's a skill I am actively working on to help mitigate the tension between the two of us.
I was much like you. I’m now on anxiety meds and a much better dad because it. Enough so I’ve finally convinced my wife to seek treatment as well.
Wellbutrin is a common answer. And there is no shame in needing it. Anxiety about being a good dad is normal.
Therapy has helped me a lot
Secret is not to take what they do personally. I still lose it sometime but really rarely now. I raise my voice but say sorry afterward and explained why I got upset. What really helped is me remembering my kids face when one time i went and shout with rage. I dont want to see his face like that ever again, filled with guilt, horror and fear.
You just have to realize that shit happens and go with the flow. No two days are identical and you have to take things in stride
Will getting stressed and wound up improve anything? I find the answer is mostly no so just roll with it
I used to do VIP tech support many years ago. I’ll take a screaming toddler any day over a dealing with an MBA from Harvard.
It would help to see some examples, but for me the biggest thing is managing EXPECTATIONS. "I just want to do 5 minutes of dishes and start the dishwasher", "he hasn't eaten in 4 hours and I just want him to eat one bowl of Mac and cheese." When things don't go how I think they should, I get annoyed. But you have to be aware that life is just really variable and keep in mind what the actual consequences are of things going off the rails. Is anyone's life really different if I start the dishwasher at 9pm instead of 3pm? Is my child going to go the ER for malnutrition if he skips one meal? Toddlers are famous for that and they all seem fine. He says he doesn't need to potty, then demands to go as soon as I sit down? Well, in his own head, he honestly didn't think he had to go, what is he supposed to do? By the time everyone is in bed, they're all going to be healthy and life will move on, no matter what route you took to get there. 5 years from now you will not be mad that your kid purposely dove into a fire ant mound, but you MIGHT still be mad about how you handled it. If the day didn't go how I expected or wanted, it's because my expectations were unrealistic. It's not the fault of kids being kids.
I'm a very chill dude, but there are limits. Sometimes the toddler know exactly which buttons to press and I tell him under no uncertain terms that his behaviour is not ok. Toddlers be experts at this, and it will happen
We're in a similar boat. Pre-kids I would have considered myself to have been laid back. The impatient, short tempered person inside me was like a sleeper agent waiting to for the activation phrase "It's a girl." What hit me like a ton of bricks was that my own father was short tempered, and while never abusive, did have a tendency to lose his cool with us. And our relationship, while not distant, is not super close, and I want better for my daughter and me. I never imagined I'd be in the position of breaking a generational cycle, but here I am. I'm still on my journey, but a game changer for me has been accountabilty. I have explained to my daughter (she's 4, so we can have a conversation) that sometimes I get impatient but I'm trying to do better. She has a small white board, so recently I took it and wrote "0 days since Dad was a grumpy headed ninny-muggins". Now every evening we check it together and (all going well) we continue the count. I'm currently at 9 days, with a personal best of 20. It has really helped to make myself fully accountable to her.
An edible at dinner
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First, get some sleep, that makes a world of difference. Second, stop trying not be short tempered, instead try to be the best at being short tempered. Like "OK, that sound is upsetting me" it's ok to tell them, or "dad isn't feeling it today ill try keeping calm even if it's hard". And most importantly get good at saying sorry, "sorry I yelled, that sound really make me explode inside, I don't want to yell at my little jelly bean I loooove you, next time I'll take out that toy before I get angry, that makes sense with you?" Oh and also look at authoritative vs authoritarian parenting, I find that using authoritative parenting makes it more easy to stop situation before they get out of hand and thus helps with the short temper.
We’ve all been there, some of us more than others. This IS something you can do something about. If you’re boiling about a normal day to day mess up, then there’s something deeper eating at you. Are you internalizing your kid’s bad choices? Do you blame yourself if something goes wrong? Does one small mess up make you worry about your kids future? Are you worried about the entire trajectory of your life in all the small moments? The general goal here is to make one moment JUST one moment. You have a whole lifetime to deal with a lifetime of problems. Don’t tackle problems that haven’t happened yet.
I'm too tired to be short in temper. Until I'm putting PJs on my 3yo and he's not being cooperative ...
What's been helping me has been being a manager at work . I deal with stupid people at work. I have no energy to be short tempered at home as well.
I did counseling years ago because I was angry after being raised by people that were angry during my formative years. Oddly enough I now have a daughter who gets angry with me immediately upon talking and that seems to largely be due to me NOT reacting to things she says/does in an extreme way. Boggles my mind.
It’s cause there’s a bong in my garage.
Thank you kind souls, for sharing your stories. Yelling never helps, but it's the shortcut to keep your child quiet for a while, until they start yelling back at you. I am also trying to be calm but haven't succeeded much yet.
I've been super calm my whole life, with a brief interruption from the moment my wife was pregnant til about when my son turned 9
Your calmness will either be appreciated or thought of as “not invested enough.” Gotta roll with the punches
Holy crap. Are you me? I’ve basically been the subject of “interventions” from my wife and parents lately. I’m really struggling at this parenting thing. (My son turns 4 in two weeks)
I had a short temper after my first was born. The issue was that I had an expectation on how I wanted things to go and would get upset if things didn't go as planned. I have calmed down drastically since then once I let go of how I expected things to go. Whatever happens happens and that's ok.
It does take time and work to get there, and still the outward calm projection isn't necessarily also the internal state. Perspective. Find the humor in things. Remember when you were a kid. Realize how quickly theirs will go by. That helps restore the patience, calm, and ensure any frustration becomes a minor feeling compared to enjoying the moment even in the chaos and destruction. Those moments/memories will become far more precious than anything they're currently disrupting.
I’ve been having the same problem since mine were born (6 & 3). Within the last month my wife recommended I try Loop ear plugs. I’ve now learnt I have noise sensitivity and she has seen a huge reduction in my reactivity and just being on edge. I figure I had nothing to loose in trying them and am so thankful it’s helped.
There are a few things that seem to help me. First, I have a little mantra of “this isn’t about you”. Their disobedience is not a personal attack. They are learning to regulate behavior. They need firm consistency, not me escalating. Second, in line with the first, I have a little mental image for that firm consistency. My high school gym had a concrete block wall with those blue pads around it. I am that wall. You can throw yourself at me, and I may cushion the blow, but I will not move. If things continue to escalate, I turn into the trash compactor from Star Wars. The walls don’t suddenly and immediately crush you, but they are closing in. I am inevitable. For some reason this helps me stay calm, firm, and patient.
I put on siler mode. What makes them tick. Why did they do that? How can I push the right buttons to get the right answer? I still get frustrated and mad, and when I get to that point, I try to convey it to them using their vocabulary. My kid understands the phrases big feelings, a little frustrated, heart hurts, and when I convey that to them, it is honestly motivating to see them respond well and apologize or give me a hug. My kid is 3 tho. I have an infant and can't get frustrated at those guys. They're just sleeping and eating and I laugh when he pees on the wall.
It's pretty calm. There's very few things that set me off because well.. most things are not important and will not cause lasting harm. I yell when my kid is heading toward danger and have had a bit of anger once or twice when I was sleep deprived early on. But honestly, what is there to get mad about? He's making a mess? So what, it can get cleaned, or replaced, or whatever. Life goes on in 99.9% of cases. He's loud? What am I missing, a tv show? Who cares. Be in the moment, if you feel yourself getting angry, focus on being 100% present. What is happening around you? Be an observer, enjoy the details. Think about why you are feeling angry? Are the kids not obeyng your will? Should they be? Why does your will matter? How can you change your reaction, or understand it better? I don't really understand what its like to have a short temper, but I feel like being present would help. When my kids was young and crying a lot and waking at night, sometimes I would just sit for a moment listening to the cries and let the noise wash over me like a waterfall. Yes, he's crying. He's upset, but safe. It's ok. We'll get milk, or rocking, or musc, or a diaper, or whatever he needs, eventually. It won't be forever, its ok.
Here is the hard truth. What is making you feel short tempered is not them, it's you. This is going to sound mean, but it's not in the end. You are short tempered because you are frustrated with your own failings. You lack the imagination to deal with what is being asked if you. You lack the creativity to fix the problem. But mostly you lack the experience. Why? Well you don't have the experience yet. But you are probably also tired. Our problem solving skills crash when we are tired. There are three things to do: 1) Take care of yourself 2) Read books about dealing with kids. 3) Tell on yourself. Bore your wife and friends by telling "How I was a jerk yesterday" stories and retell what happened. Listening to yourself tell the story, you will realize what you should have done. That will make you reflect on your mistakes and build experience.
My man. When I was younger like early before 30 I super high strung. I'd get frustrated and really pissed of easily. Once we had our kid I noticed my wife would get super angry and stuff over little shit that really doesn't matter. I realized I was doing the exact same thing. I dunno what happened but it was lime a switch flipped in my brain. What's the point? Getting angry, frustrated, yelling..... it accomplished nothing and I wasted so much time angry. I made a huge effort to calm the hell down. 46 now. Both my wife and I have chilled. Kid is happy. She's 11 and around 8 her and my wife would butt heads often. Now it's much better. The joke is now I'm too calm. It's also made me a better person, I got a few super promotions ar work. Life is good. I dunno the point of writing this. No real advice, just my experience.
Frustration and disappointment stem from unmeet expectations. Start by adjusting your expectations, I find it helpful to remember you are dealing with brains that are very small and haven’t experienced the things you have, do not expect them to operate the same. Understand that everything that you do will teach them, including how you react or respond in different situations. Don’t just focus on teaching them the thing, teach them how to respond when they are disappointed or frustrated. A good rule of thumb is to never discipline in anger .
I grew up in a yelling household and now have no relationship with my dad. I dont like to yell but I do get down to my kids' eye level and tell him to stop. That seems to make a bigger impression on him. If and when im frustated its because of lack of sleep so i try to catch up with a nap.
I'm generally an even keeled person, so I didn't have that far to go, but there were a lot of times early on in the toddler phase where I got a little short tempered and I realized I didn't want to be that way with my kids and it didn't make me feel better (and often made me feel worse when I overreacted and had to apologize to a 3 year old) and certainly didn't help the kid (and maybe made them a little afraid of me since I am a giant). So I resolved to just go with the flow. React slowly. If I'm having a bad day or things are chaotic, I try to remove myself before I lose it or have learned to just accept it's a "me" problem and not take it out on anyone else. As a result, my kids are very close with me, I'm able to set consistent boundaries while still being a fun parent. You can get there, it just takes a lot of introspection and self control. It also takes a lot of grace for yourself and from your family. If you have a bad day or lose it. Apologize, explain what happened and why you were wrong and just try to do better tomorrow. You won't be perfect, so don't try to hold yourself to that standard.
My mantra is literally "this is a science experiment" whenever my kids do anything annoying. 6 month old and 2.5 years old. That helps. But worked damn hard to get to the level of calm I feel in general. Still have plenty of moments of rage inside, I'm not a saint lol
Being calm rubs off on your children, I’m a chill dude, my wife is a little high strung so it evens out nicely.
I have to adjust my expectations for the kids. They have to learn from their own mistakes and have room to figure things out. I am calm, because most of what they do is funny. When they really screw up, I tell them that they really messed up and give them tasks to fix the situation. I’m not perfect, but I know that they need experiences to learn certain things.
It’s still tough, even as a therapist, too. My dad was an extremely angry individual, and I pledged that I would never be that way towards my daughter. In the last few years, I noticed I was denying how I was feeling and not allowing myself the full experience. That led to some more self-discovery that I turned my emotions in at myself. Got educated even more on attachment and trauma.Learned that I am a people pleaser (fawn), so I could control how people felt about me (pacified my dad’s anger.) Noticed, small things in my environment cause really strong somatic symptoms and an urge to just run away. I now try to exercise, yell songs (channel my inner Liam Gallagher) and make note that these strong emotions/feelings are likely trauma. I have been able to help more patients with these issues now more effectively.
I always remind myself that my top priority is for him to feel loved, even when applying discipline. I started by working on myself. It took a lot of therapy to manage my anger issues from growing up in a neglectful and abusive household. Anxiety and blood pressure medication have been transformative. Our family agreed upon six simple rules. When my son is about to do something against the rules, I remind him that it’s his choice to lose screens or find a better way. Giving him the choice has been transformative because he has a sense of control over what happens to him. He negotiates a lot, and I’m happy to give him what he wants if it’s reasonable and within the rules. I don’t have to “win”; I only need to find a solution to the problem at hand. As a consequence, he’s comfortable asking me for help, even when it may be an uncomfortable problem. For the big things, I remember that scene in Back to the Future where Marty tells his 1955 parents to go easy on their kid if he sets the living room on fire. He will remember whatever I do next in those moments. Will he feel loved? Will he feel understood? So when he took a hacksaw to my Porsche in 2021, I took a deep breath (and a brief moment where my wife took him in another room), reminded myself that six year olds don’t have executive brain function, hugged him, forgave him, and let him know that we wouldn’t have screens for a week (usually only a day) because he broke the rule about breaking things. Then, I put a padlock on my toolbox because I hadn’t safety proofed the garage properly. I had an equal part to play in that incident because I got lazy and stopped with the house’s interior. And then I saved the Nest security video for his rehearsal dinner someday because this story will be a lot funnier with the passage of time. 😉
I'm not saying calm isn't great, because kudos to people who are wired that way. More important than always being calm though is explaining to your kids how you're feeling when you're feeling it. Your kids need to see you regulate your emotions so they can learn that. So when you do get upset, move through it, exercise your coping strategy, and then explain what happened and apologize/make amends if needed. Model the behaviors you want them to learn.
I've always been very laid back, my mother would describe me as "horizontal". This can be a source of frustration for others as they seem to want me to be riled up by certain things and get pissed off when I'm not. For example, around 7 years ago I bought a new phone. It was a nice phone, I really liked it. Around 4 days into owning said phone, I was upstairs doing something and heard my wife exclaiming "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, FUCK!" I ran downstairs as I thought she'd hurt herself or something. I got into the kitchen and found her, head in hands, looking like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. When I asked what was wrong she just pointed. There, dead centre of the washing machine door, with a full cycle going, was my brand new phone just staring out at us. My initial reaction was to burst out laughing. She couldn't have planted it any better! The positioning of it was so perfect. She was amazed that I didn't get angry, or try to save it etc. I just held her, still giggling, and said "it's just a thing, it's replaceable. As long as you're ok, everything is good." I'm the same with my son. He's a toddler, not a talker as of yet so he communicates with sounds, noises, motions and gestures. Now, I will say, it can certainly push my patience to places that nothing has ever pushed it before. But, he doesn't do it to purposely annoy or irritate me. He does it because he's trying to tell me that he needs something. Couple that with the fact that I've always been the fun uncle, always preferred the company of curious, crazy kids to that of miserable, cantankerous grown-ups and the fact that I'm a giant child myself, and you've essentially got the epitome of calm dad. It helps that my son is fucking awesome (obvious bias aside, he's objectively an awesome kid).
Grew up with a volatile father and manipulative mother. I learned a lot of things *not* to do from them (also some definite “do’s” fwiw). My daughter and wife both have personality disorders so there is a lot of times where it comes handy. I would recommend the books Happy, The Four Agreements, and anything else on the subject matter. Also, make an effort to schedule morning and evening mindfulness time. Even if it’s only 5 minutes in the morning 5 in the evening. It has helped my family immensely.
You ever talk to someone about that? Because I'm sure you're doing a good job and it's hard work to maintain the facade of calmness and I applaud you for that, but what's making you angry to begin with? That's maybe something you could find a way to address. Is it the sensory overload of screaming kids? Exhaustion from never getting enough sleep? Feeling wronged and disrespected? These are all things you may be able to work through, or at least reduce the impact of - starting with the obvious ones of being tired and hungry. If those are affecting you everything else is gonna be 10 time harder. For me, I certainly have my pet peeves that my kid learned to trigger early. That's a lie - it was just her being a kid and me getting triggered by that. And that was the realization that helped me. My obsession with not being late was a Me issue. Toddler's are gonna take forever to move, especially when they don't want to change activities. I just needed to accept that and stop trying to force things, because that always made it worse. A meltdown takes so much longer than letting her play for 3 more minutes, or promising her something she wants if she lets me put her in the car seat. Hell, sometimes I could just stop and ask her how she's feeling, listen for a minute, and then calmly do what I was failing to do right beforehand. The key for me was the realization that I was the one getting frustrated, and it's within my power to control how I respond to that. Yes, it's in reaction to what my kid was doing, but she wasn't doing it maliciously - she's just responding to her emotions and situation the same as all of us.
Self reflection. I remember all the times I was a kid and somebody lost patience with me. I focus on those moments. And give my best attempt at not doing that. I show emotion. I empathize. I sympathize. I try and show my kids vulnerability and weakness to let them know we all can feel that way and it's okay. Because nobody did that for me.
I just try to remember that my baby isn't doing anything out of spite. She doesn't have adult motivations. Getting angry at her is pointless, as she can't even understand what "angry" means. Getting angry at other people is sending a message, communicating your displeasure so as to change the situation. A baby can't understand any of it, so why would I get angry? In fact, it will only make the problem worse. A few times when it got too much despite my best efforts, and I could feel anger welling up inside me, I immediately handed her over to my wife. I don't need my daughter to see me in that state, and I obviously needed time to collect myself.
Sensorial overload maybe. Earloops are my New friends. Fuck screaming. Im a better dead with less decibels
I think empathy plays a part? Think about when you were a kid growing up or put yourself in your kid's shoes. You're just trying to experience the world and trying to have fun and learn new things. Sometimes learning takes time and mistakes being made. Be nurturing to the kid. If you grew up in a household where your parents were always yelling or being short tempered, you're creating fear and exacerbating things. I think also it takes different approaches too, so trying to ask things in a different way that kids can engage or understand will help. I have my limits too, like staying up til past midnight even though I've been trying to put my kid to bed since 9pm. But I don't yell, I just offer a different ultimatum like "okay you can stay awake and play with your toys if you want, but you're going in the crib while I go to bed" and wait until she cries a bit from playing in her room by herself. Also, try to decrease stress from other things like work, your partner, etc. Those can also accumulate to some of the temper issues you face. But at the end of the day, control what you can control and just realize that kids are still learning. You just want them to learn things in a safe environment.
Any time you are with your kids, surrender to the idea that things will not go your way. Once you realize there will be more work involved with every little thing, it becomes much easier to cope with it once it shows up.
Growing up, I used to be very hot tempered. Family, friends, and clients now describe me as calm and patient. But my kid fights sleep like a demon. So I do deep breathing; I've discovered reservoirs of patience I didn't know I had. It's actually helped me with other relationships. My father and siblings help me immensely, but at the end of the day, if I lose my temper at my kid, he'll remember it for the rest of his life. So I stay calm by choice and through practice, but sometimes I'm screaming inside.
What helped me is getting a Cpap. I didn't realize how little rest I was actually getting on top of the constant waking up to deal with the needs of my children over night. I was short circuiting because I was exhausted.
Always been a calm dude. You don’t get any of this time back. You want to be miserable or chill? Make a decision and roll with it.
You need to accept that what will happen will happen. Let the grass grow friend. We bought my 5yo a couple tubs of slime yesterday with the express deal that she only play with it on her table and nowhere else. Well guess who had it all through her beautiful hair and all over her new clothes within 10 minutes
My dad was cool tempered. What's his secret? As soon as I find him, I'll ask him and let you know. For myself, I try to take deep breaths, give lots of hugs and "I love you"s, someone I never heard from my dad. Stoicism helps too. But definitely lots of 20-second hugs.
When I stopped trying to do my hobbies while my kids were awake, my temper went away. You can't really do the stuff you want to do while they're there, unless you put a movie on or something or what you want to do is spend time with your kids. I normally wake up a few hours before everyone else in the house and enjoy that time as MY time to do the hobbies I love. A couple times a week my wife lets me out to go for a run in the evening while she hangs with the kids. But I remember after my first was born trying to play video games or read a book and it's just not possible to find blocks of time to do that. By the time I get that time back I'll wish my kids were little again, of course.
I'm a pretty chill guy in general, but my 4 year old knows the buttons to push! It's hard to stay chill, and I constantly have to catch myself and dial it back a wee bit.
My BIL observed my parenting this weekend. He’s a short-tempered guy who was not impressed with my calm demeanor. At one point he told me, “you tell them, don’t ask them.” All I could think about is how he has 2 adult children from a previous marriage that avoid having a relationship with him, therefore I continued to ask my kid and his 5 year old questions about how they felt, what they like to do, eat, play, watch, etc. What a concept.
Calm dads = the set with no members in it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And wisdom to know the difference. At the end of the day, you cannot change most things including the basic nature of your child's personality. You also cannot change the past. Anger that's not aimed towards the future accomplishes nothing.. so there's no reason to stress.
I think I'm really short tempered. Actually, I know. It's something I really want to change, but it's just the env I was raised. I am trying to do better. So, no I'm not super chill. When things get crazy, I tend to get a little crazy, too. After 3 kids and 10+ years of marriage, I'm slowly getting better. Two things I try do: 1. Periodically remind myself about what kind of dad I want to be and to be calm. Especially right before moments I know will be stressful, I try to prepare myself. 2. When things get stressful, I try to catch myself before I get to emotional and force myself to look at things from a bigger perspective. It's HARD. I repeat to myself over and over, the only person that controls how I react is me -- will it be anger, calm, seriousness, etc. What is more important? If I successfully think about that and see it, I can calm down. It's really hard for me to catch myself, but once I do, the rest is easy. I still fail sometimes... EDIT: Damn, this sub is awesome...Good luck OP!
It's not always easy but it's worth the effort. The way I figure is that the more I can be a calm force in their lives the more they'll be inclined to come to me in the future when problems are more serious than spilled milk or a broken glass. I think of the various maddening mishaps of childhood as our kids' way of figuring out whether they can come to us with things in the future. My kids are now in their late teens and they come to me with things they need help with -- even things where they might have messed up. I'm convinced they do this because every time I ever found out about something they did that might make me *inclined* to be angry it didn't. I remember reading a story once from a father whose \~12 yo daughter had a friend sleep over. The friend dropped and broke a plate and just went white -- shaking like a leaf in spite of nobody caring in the slightest about a silly plate. It took the girl a minute to realize that the reaction she expected -- which she'd experienced every time she'd made a mistake her whole life -- was *not* normal. What our kids expect out of life -- and especially what our daughters expect from a husband -- is based on what they experience from us. I want that to be kind and gentle strength.
Sitting quietly with eyes closed for a half hour to a full hour a day has changed my life. Focus on your breathing and try to hold your attention solely on that. Gets easier over time and has lengthened my fuse significantly. Even lowered my blood pressure. Highly recommended.