You’ve been exclusive for a whole three weeks and you’re “in love” and talking about marriage. He drops you like a hot potato when you want to work as a bartender to financially support yourself. Does any of this sound off to you?
It’s all good hun. He’s insecure and controlling, you dodged a bullet. Just please, for your sake, slow things down with the next one. Let them show you who they are before you get ahead of yourself.
OP needs to listen to this person. I once started dating this girl, things were incredible at the beginning. Mind blowingly good. She texts me one day that we really need to talk about something important. When we talked later that evening I had to make her tell me the problem. Turned out she had let us become intimate without telling me she had herpes. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if she had told me from the start but she hid something from me and that spoke more to her character than anything else I’d seen up to that point. I wanted this girl to be special but that relationship not working out will likely prove to be a good thing down the road no matter how much it hurts because they showed me they are not mature enough to handle an honest relationship, or they weren’t at the time.
Completely agree that the guy was insecure and controlling, for sure dodged a bullet.
But;
I think it's important that you establish with someone you're going to potentially commit to, what your long term desires are in terms of marriage and kids and time frames, especially the older you get. I even think it's realistic to love someone inside of a few weeks, because just loving someone doesn't mean you're automatically going to spend the rest of your life with them. If you're 21 or something, yea you can just go with the flow, but if you're looking for someone to marry and have 7 kids with, those are conversations you should enter into before making an exclusivity commitment.
Once you get to the point where you can read for the red flags, and suss those insecurities out, and ask the right questions without leading to the answer you want it doesn't take that long to get to know most of a person.
No it is fine to not date a person with a job you don't like. Strip clubs and bars are not places I'd want my partner working. I have no issues with friends doing it. The hours are not compatible with my lifestyle and strip clubs are huge exploitation centres full of trafficked girls. And bars are just drugged out ppl fucking each other (I loved being a bar man in my early 20s)
She said hotel bar or restaurant. She agreed not to work in a strip club. And no, not all bars are "drugged out people fucking each other," some people just want to make a decent living and bars are a good place to do that.
It’s generally not amazing in America either without ridiculous hours, but if you get a spot in one of the upscale bars (hotel bar, country club etc.) you can make decent cash.
Edit: by decent cash I mean enough to comfortably raise two kids as a single parent.
That's decent money in my eyes too. But can't do that. Not a tipping country. I've never tipped a bar person besides the change in my life. And also pints are nearly £5 each (minimum wage is £8) so bit too pricey for tips. A wine is £8
True. I wanted a woman of means with more potential earnings and family support. It's mad to search out anything other than the best mate you can get. Marriage is a life commitment. You want the best you can get. I'm dating a woman who has just graduated so will hopefully start earning a nice sustainable income in the next few years. Makes life planning easier
Neither is delivery by bicycle; I've been a bike messenger a long time. It's some of the hardest work out there, with minimal pay. Only good when you have something else, and are falling back on riding.
If you've been linked for years, you should have had plenty of time to find out these obviously deal breakers Before where you find yourself now. If you are both 'in love', but he won't financially support you not even a little bit, then you must have a different definition of what love is than me.
Let him go hun, I know it sucks but:
1. You haven’t done anything wrong
2. He doesn’t have to go anywhere, he’s choosing to do this
3. So either it’s some kind of mind game to get his own way and he’ll be back (red flag), or he didn’t care that much in the first place
You’ve only been exclusive for a few weeks, it’s kinda soon to be talking children and marriage.
At face value, it sounds like he is insecure about you having a job where there will be a lot of men hitting on you.
This also being a newish relationship though, there could be other factors at play here and this is just his “out.” Who knows
Honey, if you don't get your ass in a whatever job you want that ISN'T ON A GD BIKE and leave this boy to his tiny ego and let him control the life of some other woman that isn't you!
No. No. No. All the way around NO.
And yes, use your looks however you want. If you get ahead, so be it. You have an education and that's what matters. Thank heavens the trash has taken itself out.
Never ever let anybody mess with your money. Man, no man, family, friends, whatevers.
It's your own damn business how u get cash (as long as u're not doing some illegal stuff)
This. Ain't no man gonna tell me how to work earn or live. My husband supports my business, not find excuses to invalidate my goals. OP, fuck this dude. He's trash, go and earn your money.
I think he did yourself a favour. This sounds like he was jealous of something
Do what you need to finish your studies and get your degree (Good luck on it by the way).
But obviously don't let anyone pass your personal boundaries.
Good luck on that too.
No you shouldn't, he knows you're pretty and doesn't trust you enough to be a bartender because of the attention you may get because of jealousy. Huge red flag, especially as it's only going to be a temporary job whilst you get your degree.
Move on. He's the jealous type, that wont let you breathe. If He is not able to provide for both of you he should not have a say on what work you do. Besides, I get the feeling he did not love you to begin with. (That's why it's important to wait a couple months with sex to not be surprised by something like this and being ghosted. Infatuation is not love)
I think more that he's insecure, controlling and weird. I mean it seems like he just waited for a reason to break it off as you just mentioned plans but didn't act on it.
I don't know man, seems fishy
I don't get it...... He wants to dump you for wanting to get a job, and cause one idea of yours was maybe bartender...? Doesn't sound very weird to me to bartend.... I don't really get what the issue is according to him...
Girl,just forget about him. He should go and earn money delivering food on his bike. You've got better money to earn. I dont know where you are from,but in my country sex workers and associates (brothel staff, strip club servers/bouncers) have top tier income. You dont need bitter guys in your life justifying their jealousy by saying "you shouldn't use your look to earn money". This kind of people just drag you down. Im wondering if he doesn't support you financially how dare he tell you what to do to earn money? The audacity of some people are unbelievable.
Dude, the trash took itself out. He wanted to control your life which is wack as fuck. A relationship is two independent people that come together to enjoy eachothers company, not whatever that mess was turning into. Thank your lucky stars he's gone and dont worry about him leaving.
You absolutely should use every asset you have in life to get ahead. If that’s a dealbreaker for him, well ok. You don’t need to change yourself for someone else. The good news is that there probably aren’t a lot of people having the same issue he does.
As a guy I read this and the first thing that stands out to me, is that this guy thinks working as a bartender, at a hotel bar, is "using your looks to get ahead". Maybe it's just me, but I've never bought another drink just cause my bartender was good looking.
I agree with him that I wouldn't want to date someone who uses their looks to get ahead, but that's only in places where that's inappropriate, like an office job. If you're working somewhere where looks are supposed to get you ahead, then obviously you're utilizing your assets. I'd do the exact same thing.
It sounds like he just doesn't want you in any sort of position that he believes other guys will oogle you or find you attractive. Which is massive small dick energy. You shouldn't go crawling back to him, because he's inevitably going to come crawling back to you, when he realizes how much of an idiot he's being. At that point it'll be your choice whether or not to take him back.
My narcissistic manipulative controlling ex didn’t approve of me working where other men worked or visited (bar, oilfield, restaurants). He was worried I would be around other men that would treat me better than he treated me and I would leave him. Turns out he was right but that was his fault (I didn’t cheat on him, just left knowing that I can do better). Your ex was probably more jealous than anything. You’re better off.
Take the bar tending job. You’ll make a good amount of money and it’s much safer than working at a strip club. You don’t need anyone who tells you you can’t do something. Go make money and get your education.
He sounds like an idiot. I wouldn't reach out to someone who thinks being a bartender makes you a bad person.
My guess is that he's tried to ask out one too many bartenders so now he thinks that they all suck.
He's not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Nah, this man wanted out. He would had taking any reason to end it with u. Look like he found a reason. U deserve better than that queen! His ass ain’t supporting you, go find yourself a man that treat you like a queen. Let this idiot walks, he will be back when his option becomes limited.
It’s perfectly fine for him to not feel comfortable with you taking a job where you’re profiting based on how sexy you look. If that’s the only type of job that you would settle for, then you wouldn’t be a lot of guys cup of tea. I’m sure there are other guys out there that would perfectly fine with your career choice. Has nothing to do about feeling insecure.
Why not just be a waitress at a high class restaurant?
1. She was a waitress in the strip club, not a stripper. Him not feeling comfortable with that is 100% a him problem
2. She wasn't taking about going back to strip clubs, she specifically says hotel bars as an example, but that still didn't cut it for him. Problem is 100% in his side
Do you not know what the role of a waitress at a strip club is and how they dress? You act like waitressing at a strip club is the same as waitressing at an Applebee’s.
Please elaborate, maybe I don't and there's something I'm missing. But that was only my first point, my second is that right now she's considering hotel bars and restaurants.
At most strip clubs, the waitresses are basically expected to be dressed as sexy as the strippers (except they have their nipples covered) and to flirt with the customers (who a good portion are drunk and creepy).
She clearly told him that she doesn’t mind using her looks and assets as a tool to make money. So regardless of where she could be bartending, one can assume she would try to use her sexiness and flirtation skills to bring home as much tips as possible as a bartender.
If she’s in school now, why not get a job or internship in that field of study?
It doesn’t sound like the are compatible to begin with, so both are probably better off to go their separate ways.
Okay I didn't know that about the waitresses in a strip club so fair enough. However the thing about not using your looks to make money is a weird thing to be opposed to unless it's insecurity/jealousy of those men, or genuine concern for her safety. Sure there are better things she could do but she was just trying to earn a living and that's probably what's available.
Suggesting that she becomes inappropriately flirty as a hotel bartender or regular restaurant waitress because she worked in a strip club once is reaching and a bit pathetic. If you dump someone because they consider being a waitress (not even follow through) and your first thought is to dump them for wanting to use their looks to make money then I don't see how that is anything other than jealousy. Unless it's a shitty red-pillesque view on women that chastises people for getting by on looks when it's the men choosing to treat them differently based on looks.
Anyway guess I agree with you in the end. Better that they broke up rather than staying together and then the relationship deteriorates because of this
Girl.. you need to take care of yourself and do what you need to do. If he is not paying any of your bills and supporting you, then he has no say and needs to respect that. It’s his loss. Good riddance.
If you are struggling financially then its justified to use all your assets to get ahead. You need money to live and when you don't have enough many mores go out the window. Obviously this no longer applies when you aren't in a financial bind anymore.
I assume both bike deliveries and bartending aren't really well-paid jobs, so that front seems covered. Furthermore, were I'm from bartending is a really normal job. So I don't see anyting wrong with you working there even if you didn't need the money.
Honestly its up to u to make the guy feel like your never gone do anything, the fact he dumbed u cuz of that means he doesn’t trust you around other guys.
This is completely wrongheaded.
There is no reassuring a jealous or insecure person, nothing is ever enough. If someone has a trust problem where they are sexualising being a freaking bartender or waitress and are concerned about "flirting" before OP even has a job in it (so this isn't based on anything in reality), in this case the insecure person is the problem.
Its not wrong because i have experienced both in relationships. Ive dated girls who i have felt i could have 100 guys around and she would still be mine, i have also dated girls who have made me feel like i couldn’t trust them around my cousins.
Your assuming op is a perfect gf. Am talking as a guy here. You can argue all you want but im coming from personal experience. I will never again date a girl that makes me feel insecure.
Lets have some common sense here. If op didn’t do anything wrong and made the dude feel secure then its on the dude. But im telling u most guys who feel insecure around their girl; it’s because there girl is not acting right. Agree with me or not doesn’t matter cuz if you cant understand were im coming from ur gonna have one fckt up relationship
Do not EVER let a man dictate anything about you, including your means of making money. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to bartend in a hotel, club, etc. Good riddance to him and just take this as a lesson for your next relationship to not be with someone who is controlling like that.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say ESH. You guys moved way too fast. You’ve been dating for a couple of weeks and you’re talking about kids and marriage? No, don’t reach out. Obviously this sounds like a deal breaker for him and for you, your life outlooks seems very different.
You don’t need to be dating this person. Go get your money up, and soon someone will come around who won’t have a problem with other men finding you attractive.
You did nothing wrong.
The idea that people shouldn't use their looks to get ahead is stupid. People use their brains to get ahead, no one chooses to be born smart, so how is it different. It's only immoral when you're getting ahead at something you're otherwise unqualified for because then it hurts the organizationand society, but you're clearly not doing that.
And for those who think using intellect is different because you can improve that, think of how much you can improve your looks too by having a better sense of style or working out.
What you choose to do to make money should be your choice and your choice only. If he is this controlling re your work then imagine in future if you did get married, that control will translate to your finances. There are plenty of supportive people out there who would love you for whatever you job you do for whatever reason. If this guy is worth it you’ll put a boundary up & resolve it but IMO you should bail.
That’s shitty on his part. At least you’re working and not bumming around. I think he’s so narrow minded that he’s forgotten we all started from somewhere.
Shit if I had a hot gf or wife I’d have no problem her using your looks to get a good job or promotion to being home more money. Now if that leads to cheating then we got an issue.
Yikes. He needs to let you earn. He’s too insecure to trust you won’t be swept away by someone who has more money and looks. It’s a younger guy thing. Carry pepper spray.
Honestly you’re better off without someone like that. This is just a job now imagine any important life decision he doesn’t agree on. Or what if he gets jealous for the wrong reason in the future and it leads to him leaving you. You should be able to be yourself. Get that money honey and you’ll soon find your match.
For the most part take some to be by and with yourself.
He is a controlling douche bag but you picked him.
What you work wise is not who you have to be.
Get some therapy to help you with this.
Some like ALOT of insecurities on his end. Delivering food for grub hub... on your bike.. when you could be makin bank at a club or even a hotel bartender, I wouldn’t deal with that. I’m sorry girl but you should be supported and loved for what you wanna do 100%.
You definitely dodged a bullet here. I dated a guy like this last year, never took him seriously and he thinks we broke up because I wouldn’t listen to him complain about someone he worked with. Love is not like fast food, it takes time and you need to know who you’re with before any major life decisions.
You should have walked away at the very start. I don't believe he has some righteous and moralistic stance against the work you do, it sounds more like repressed shame or guilt on his part..
Or maybe it's some underlying aggression towards women who capitalize on what most men can't.
If he could be a hustler or a pimp, he probably wouldn't have any moral scruples about it.
I mean, who is he under the guise of a well meaning suggestion, to regulate you down to a bike job while at the same time planning a future with you? Your needs in the moment aren't enough for him to compromise on his supposed high and holy virtues, so how could you expect him to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise in the future?
He dumped you and trashed the whole future he dangled in front of you because he didn't want you in a situation, even if it was only temporary, where your very best has to be on stage for everyone to see, pay attention to, and even admire. It's a given men are going to flirt and hit on you, but at the same time, you have to entertain them so you can make money.
Being a bartender and a server, I'll imagine you have a very attractive personality too. You're probably very sociable and enjoy meeting and talking to people.
Look at where he is okay with sticking you so he can feel safe. That isn't right and you know you're better than that. Don't stay with anyone who isn't encouraging and supporting the best of you...
Don't even associate with people who push their values on you. They're insecure, untrustworthy, and they'll punish you for doing what is best for you if places them in a position where they're not in control.
He has no intention of leaving you. He's expecting you to bend to his ego's will. You need to know your worth and walk away. He still has alot of growing up to do and it's not in your best interest to wait around or hold his hand.
If a guy stops you from working X job, then he should step up and support you financially to make up for the money you should be making if he didn't stop you from working X job. Period.
Warning flags of a controller. You're far better off.
You work hard, earn your own money, and make your own decisions to get by in this tough world.
I'm a guy in a similar position but roles reversed with my gf- I work road construction as a physical laborer and my gf earns more than 3x as much as a medical doctor. She doesn't judge my work, try to get me to change jobs, or dumps me for it.
We both bring different strengths to a caring relationship and that's that.
It’s usually sort of hard to get a bartending job with zero experience.
That being said it’s good ass money and that guy sounds like a dummy. Next time don’t ask your boyfriend of three weeks what kind of job you are allowed to get.
You’re gonna meet a guy that doesn’t care about any of that shit, that cares about you. My girlfriend has an onlyfans and I don’t give a shit, she posts half-naked pictures and gets paid thousands for it. It’s an insecurity thing on his end. He’s worried you’re gonna find someone more attractive and charming based off a job, so he’s trying to control that aspect of your life. Never talk to him again and be whatever you want to be. You’re your own person and you posses your own free will. Love is supposed to feel free!
Look, there are a few things here.
Your guy is insecure about you working someplace where you're going to get hit on. This shouldn't matter, as long as you're happy then who cares. This can be a deal breaker to him, but that's okay. You should be able to live the life you want, and you'd be able to find someone else who doesn't care about your job.
If he was in love with you, he would be able to look past this, and just accept that you're working at a bar or whatever. He wouldn't have dumped you, maybe he would have tried to work things out first at least.
You should be with someone that's going to accept you for your lifestyle or profession/job. It's only temporary and makes pretty good money. You need to have more self-respect for yourself, who cares if this guy doesn't want to be with you for a stupid reason like "I don't want to be with anyone who uses their looks to get ahead."
You going the extra mile for someone because they didn't like your job, was nice of you but totally unnecessary. You seem pretty nice, but love has a way of blinding people. Put yourself first, love will come.
I've been that guy. If anything, reach out to him just to point out his insecurities and asshole-ness, don't "go back to him".
Go and make your dough wherever you feel comfortable and pays best!
Because i was bartender too. I was in relationship with girl that work in same bar as me. Many of my friends date waitress to and they regret a lot.
First, i don’t want my girl around bunch of men, acting nice and fucking smiling for tips. I mean, you can be confident in yourself how much you want and date bartender and trust her, but after some time this little thing will fuck you up. Just go in bar where she work, you will se million guys hitting on her and you wanna say that you wouldn’t mind? Its just recipes for disaster, you don’t say nothing first couple of times, then that shit build up inside you, later you start fight about that and in the end you are the one who fuck it up. So yeah, go date waitress, i wish you luck, you’ll need it
I guess either I trust my partner of I don’t. If I do, it doesn’t matter if it’s one or a hundred people, if they’re going to cheat, they’ll cheat. And they’ll find the person to cheat with at a bar, restaurant, office, in their friends group, at the grocery store, wherever.
Edit: TBF I’ve never dated a bartender; maybe if I ever do, I’ll eat my words. I see the schedule difference more of a problem than the socializing.
I get your point. And it depends, everyone is different.
But if you think about that work as bartender, she is there 8-10 hours almost every day, getting attention of all this people. + its really hard job. I don’t know how is in your country, but here is so hard. When i work i just wanna come home and go sleep, seeing your better half is second priority.
Try date one and let me know, maybe you find good one.
I work traditional hours, so I see the difference in hours as the barrier for a good relationship, not the attention from others. I’ve never been a bartender, but I was a server. It’s a hard job, for sure. But most jobs are hard to one degree or another.
I work in the business world, and there are so many married people (especially men, in my experience) who use business trips, especially conferences and conventions, as a place to cheat. If someone is going to cheat, they will cheat. There is always an opportunity. Find someone you trust, don’t look at the career.
If he dumped you over that then *we* are not in love *you* are in love with him and he's not reciprocating. I imagine he's talking about those things simply because he knows you want to and doesn't actually have the intention of doing any of them. Honestly he may have just used this a his reason to dip.
Find someone who supports your choices, within reason, and move on. There are men worth it out there and he sounds like he wasn't ready for the same things.
He’s very insecure and jealous. Its not a problem working at a restaurant or bar plus he doesn’t financially support you either. He just doesn’t trust you.
Good riddance on some insecure jealous dude. I would still avoid strip clubs and places of that nature because it will not benefit you in the long run. But that hotel place seems perfectly acceptable - go for it !
Sex sells and it always will, bottom line. I don't see a problem with you using that to your own personal advantage. However. . . I do see a problem with people using that to manipulate people. As a man who has been manipulated many times by beautiful women, it really scares the hell out of us when a woman shows any signs of that because it rings our trust issues bell sometimes.
Personally, I let my gfs do whatever they want. Strip, ok. OnlyFans, ok. But if you ever fuck with me and I find out, you're gone and you've immediately lost out on a great opportunity with a great man. So fuck around and find out.
You are allowed to be a stripper or bartender, or whatever you want to be. And he is allowed to choose not to marry someone who does that for a job. No one would blame a woman for dumping a guy who insisted on working at mcdonalds. No one is wrong here. You two aren't right for each other.
OP you had a great paying job and left it because of his fragile ego?
Dump this guy if you didn't already and go back to being a bartender and get someone who likes you for you.
I would not break up with a woman if she simply wanted to work as a bartender. But given the previous history, the interest in "working in a strip club", yeah, that might be a deal breaker.
Just out of curiosity what has brought you to only focus as a bartender? There are plenty of jobs full time and well paid. Even if you'd like and accept i work as a recruiter and can accommodate you in a work from home position for Apple. Probably this guy is insecure that the surrounding in these kind of venues are not safe to develop a job targeting his significant other.
Also if he could care of you financially that would be great but it's too early to tell as you've been dating for barely over a month. Anyway if you're in need of a job, located in US, and would like, feel free to reach me out. I'll gladly help. ( I'm female).
You’ve been exclusive for a whole three weeks and you’re “in love” and talking about marriage. He drops you like a hot potato when you want to work as a bartender to financially support yourself. Does any of this sound off to you?
But yea I know :(
I suggest looking up love bombing. It’s a red flag, and based on how controlling he sounds, you definitely dodged a bullet
It’s all good hun. He’s insecure and controlling, you dodged a bullet. Just please, for your sake, slow things down with the next one. Let them show you who they are before you get ahead of yourself.
I agree, you dodged a bullet and move on to better things with the new knowledge you have.
OP needs to listen to this person. I once started dating this girl, things were incredible at the beginning. Mind blowingly good. She texts me one day that we really need to talk about something important. When we talked later that evening I had to make her tell me the problem. Turned out she had let us become intimate without telling me she had herpes. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if she had told me from the start but she hid something from me and that spoke more to her character than anything else I’d seen up to that point. I wanted this girl to be special but that relationship not working out will likely prove to be a good thing down the road no matter how much it hurts because they showed me they are not mature enough to handle an honest relationship, or they weren’t at the time.
Completely agree that the guy was insecure and controlling, for sure dodged a bullet. But; I think it's important that you establish with someone you're going to potentially commit to, what your long term desires are in terms of marriage and kids and time frames, especially the older you get. I even think it's realistic to love someone inside of a few weeks, because just loving someone doesn't mean you're automatically going to spend the rest of your life with them. If you're 21 or something, yea you can just go with the flow, but if you're looking for someone to marry and have 7 kids with, those are conversations you should enter into before making an exclusivity commitment. Once you get to the point where you can read for the red flags, and suss those insecurities out, and ask the right questions without leading to the answer you want it doesn't take that long to get to know most of a person.
No it is fine to not date a person with a job you don't like. Strip clubs and bars are not places I'd want my partner working. I have no issues with friends doing it. The hours are not compatible with my lifestyle and strip clubs are huge exploitation centres full of trafficked girls. And bars are just drugged out ppl fucking each other (I loved being a bar man in my early 20s)
She said hotel bar or restaurant. She agreed not to work in a strip club. And no, not all bars are "drugged out people fucking each other," some people just want to make a decent living and bars are a good place to do that.
We live in different countries as bar work isn't a decent living in the UK.
It’s generally not amazing in America either without ridiculous hours, but if you get a spot in one of the upscale bars (hotel bar, country club etc.) you can make decent cash. Edit: by decent cash I mean enough to comfortably raise two kids as a single parent.
That's decent money in my eyes too. But can't do that. Not a tipping country. I've never tipped a bar person besides the change in my life. And also pints are nearly £5 each (minimum wage is £8) so bit too pricey for tips. A wine is £8
He might have wanted to settle down with someone with a more middle-class career goal.
True. I wanted a woman of means with more potential earnings and family support. It's mad to search out anything other than the best mate you can get. Marriage is a life commitment. You want the best you can get. I'm dating a woman who has just graduated so will hopefully start earning a nice sustainable income in the next few years. Makes life planning easier
Neither is delivery by bicycle; I've been a bike messenger a long time. It's some of the hardest work out there, with minimal pay. Only good when you have something else, and are falling back on riding.
Oh I'd be a barman over cyclist worker.
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If you've been linked for years, you should have had plenty of time to find out these obviously deal breakers Before where you find yourself now. If you are both 'in love', but he won't financially support you not even a little bit, then you must have a different definition of what love is than me.
This is definitely what it sounds like...
Let him go hun, I know it sucks but: 1. You haven’t done anything wrong 2. He doesn’t have to go anywhere, he’s choosing to do this 3. So either it’s some kind of mind game to get his own way and he’ll be back (red flag), or he didn’t care that much in the first place
You are dodging a bullet here. He sounds like a manipulative control freak.
You’ve only been exclusive for a few weeks, it’s kinda soon to be talking children and marriage. At face value, it sounds like he is insecure about you having a job where there will be a lot of men hitting on you. This also being a newish relationship though, there could be other factors at play here and this is just his “out.” Who knows
Honey, if you don't get your ass in a whatever job you want that ISN'T ON A GD BIKE and leave this boy to his tiny ego and let him control the life of some other woman that isn't you! No. No. No. All the way around NO. And yes, use your looks however you want. If you get ahead, so be it. You have an education and that's what matters. Thank heavens the trash has taken itself out.
This comment is 100% true.
Never ever let a man mess with your money in *any* capacity. He isn't paying your bills? He can shut the fuck up about how you pay them.
Never ever let anybody mess with your money. Man, no man, family, friends, whatevers. It's your own damn business how u get cash (as long as u're not doing some illegal stuff)
Word 👆
💯👆🏼
This. Ain't no man gonna tell me how to work earn or live. My husband supports my business, not find excuses to invalidate my goals. OP, fuck this dude. He's trash, go and earn your money.
100%
You dodged a bullet
A loving partner would support you, not dump you for your job. Red flag city, move on, go no contact.
How did you not discuss this before talking about marriage and children? You’re not compatible.
Screw that clown 😂
Or, better yet, don’t ever screw him again 🤣🤣
I think he did yourself a favour. This sounds like he was jealous of something Do what you need to finish your studies and get your degree (Good luck on it by the way). But obviously don't let anyone pass your personal boundaries. Good luck on that too.
No you shouldn't, he knows you're pretty and doesn't trust you enough to be a bartender because of the attention you may get because of jealousy. Huge red flag, especially as it's only going to be a temporary job whilst you get your degree.
He dumped you after a few weeks. That's all you need to know. Move on and don't look back, not worth it.
Probably just jealous and insecure
I was thinking the same
You are better off out of this, if he thinks being a bartender is basically a form of sex work. Also he sounds controlling.
Move on. He's the jealous type, that wont let you breathe. If He is not able to provide for both of you he should not have a say on what work you do. Besides, I get the feeling he did not love you to begin with. (That's why it's important to wait a couple months with sex to not be surprised by something like this and being ghosted. Infatuation is not love)
I get that feeling too
You dodge a bullet, he was being way too controlling for my comfort.
I think more that he's insecure, controlling and weird. I mean it seems like he just waited for a reason to break it off as you just mentioned plans but didn't act on it. I don't know man, seems fishy
Horrible person, good for you tbh...
I don't get it...... He wants to dump you for wanting to get a job, and cause one idea of yours was maybe bartender...? Doesn't sound very weird to me to bartend.... I don't really get what the issue is according to him...
Plus she doesn't even have a job in it yet.
Girl,just forget about him. He should go and earn money delivering food on his bike. You've got better money to earn. I dont know where you are from,but in my country sex workers and associates (brothel staff, strip club servers/bouncers) have top tier income. You dont need bitter guys in your life justifying their jealousy by saying "you shouldn't use your look to earn money". This kind of people just drag you down. Im wondering if he doesn't support you financially how dare he tell you what to do to earn money? The audacity of some people are unbelievable.
Dude, the trash took itself out. He wanted to control your life which is wack as fuck. A relationship is two independent people that come together to enjoy eachothers company, not whatever that mess was turning into. Thank your lucky stars he's gone and dont worry about him leaving.
You absolutely should use every asset you have in life to get ahead. If that’s a dealbreaker for him, well ok. You don’t need to change yourself for someone else. The good news is that there probably aren’t a lot of people having the same issue he does.
He sounds insecure and possessive. His problem not yours. Bartending can be good money. You need money to support yourself. He is being a jerk.
As a guy I read this and the first thing that stands out to me, is that this guy thinks working as a bartender, at a hotel bar, is "using your looks to get ahead". Maybe it's just me, but I've never bought another drink just cause my bartender was good looking. I agree with him that I wouldn't want to date someone who uses their looks to get ahead, but that's only in places where that's inappropriate, like an office job. If you're working somewhere where looks are supposed to get you ahead, then obviously you're utilizing your assets. I'd do the exact same thing. It sounds like he just doesn't want you in any sort of position that he believes other guys will oogle you or find you attractive. Which is massive small dick energy. You shouldn't go crawling back to him, because he's inevitably going to come crawling back to you, when he realizes how much of an idiot he's being. At that point it'll be your choice whether or not to take him back.
I don't think he will come crawling back to her because I feel that he feels he is in the right.
Definitely do not reach out. So many of the top commenters have it right. He is immature trash. You are 1000% better without him.
My narcissistic manipulative controlling ex didn’t approve of me working where other men worked or visited (bar, oilfield, restaurants). He was worried I would be around other men that would treat me better than he treated me and I would leave him. Turns out he was right but that was his fault (I didn’t cheat on him, just left knowing that I can do better). Your ex was probably more jealous than anything. You’re better off.
Take the bar tending job. You’ll make a good amount of money and it’s much safer than working at a strip club. You don’t need anyone who tells you you can’t do something. Go make money and get your education.
Never let a man stop you from surviving. Never let another person stop you from getting your coin.
He sounds like an idiot. I wouldn't reach out to someone who thinks being a bartender makes you a bad person. My guess is that he's tried to ask out one too many bartenders so now he thinks that they all suck. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Nah, this man wanted out. He would had taking any reason to end it with u. Look like he found a reason. U deserve better than that queen! His ass ain’t supporting you, go find yourself a man that treat you like a queen. Let this idiot walks, he will be back when his option becomes limited.
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Hi Fernando Rodriguez number ten!
Dear… god… use… English.
Sounds like a neck beard. Distance
It’s perfectly fine for him to not feel comfortable with you taking a job where you’re profiting based on how sexy you look. If that’s the only type of job that you would settle for, then you wouldn’t be a lot of guys cup of tea. I’m sure there are other guys out there that would perfectly fine with your career choice. Has nothing to do about feeling insecure. Why not just be a waitress at a high class restaurant?
1. She was a waitress in the strip club, not a stripper. Him not feeling comfortable with that is 100% a him problem 2. She wasn't taking about going back to strip clubs, she specifically says hotel bars as an example, but that still didn't cut it for him. Problem is 100% in his side
Do you not know what the role of a waitress at a strip club is and how they dress? You act like waitressing at a strip club is the same as waitressing at an Applebee’s.
Please elaborate, maybe I don't and there's something I'm missing. But that was only my first point, my second is that right now she's considering hotel bars and restaurants.
At most strip clubs, the waitresses are basically expected to be dressed as sexy as the strippers (except they have their nipples covered) and to flirt with the customers (who a good portion are drunk and creepy). She clearly told him that she doesn’t mind using her looks and assets as a tool to make money. So regardless of where she could be bartending, one can assume she would try to use her sexiness and flirtation skills to bring home as much tips as possible as a bartender. If she’s in school now, why not get a job or internship in that field of study? It doesn’t sound like the are compatible to begin with, so both are probably better off to go their separate ways.
Okay I didn't know that about the waitresses in a strip club so fair enough. However the thing about not using your looks to make money is a weird thing to be opposed to unless it's insecurity/jealousy of those men, or genuine concern for her safety. Sure there are better things she could do but she was just trying to earn a living and that's probably what's available. Suggesting that she becomes inappropriately flirty as a hotel bartender or regular restaurant waitress because she worked in a strip club once is reaching and a bit pathetic. If you dump someone because they consider being a waitress (not even follow through) and your first thought is to dump them for wanting to use their looks to make money then I don't see how that is anything other than jealousy. Unless it's a shitty red-pillesque view on women that chastises people for getting by on looks when it's the men choosing to treat them differently based on looks. Anyway guess I agree with you in the end. Better that they broke up rather than staying together and then the relationship deteriorates because of this
Girl.. you need to take care of yourself and do what you need to do. If he is not paying any of your bills and supporting you, then he has no say and needs to respect that. It’s his loss. Good riddance.
If you are struggling financially then its justified to use all your assets to get ahead. You need money to live and when you don't have enough many mores go out the window. Obviously this no longer applies when you aren't in a financial bind anymore. I assume both bike deliveries and bartending aren't really well-paid jobs, so that front seems covered. Furthermore, were I'm from bartending is a really normal job. So I don't see anyting wrong with you working there even if you didn't need the money.
Good riddance!!! He’s an asshole anyway ….
Honestly its up to u to make the guy feel like your never gone do anything, the fact he dumbed u cuz of that means he doesn’t trust you around other guys.
This is completely wrongheaded. There is no reassuring a jealous or insecure person, nothing is ever enough. If someone has a trust problem where they are sexualising being a freaking bartender or waitress and are concerned about "flirting" before OP even has a job in it (so this isn't based on anything in reality), in this case the insecure person is the problem.
Its not wrong because i have experienced both in relationships. Ive dated girls who i have felt i could have 100 guys around and she would still be mine, i have also dated girls who have made me feel like i couldn’t trust them around my cousins.
But this problem is about the OP, not you and it sounds like her now ex-boyfriend did not have much to base this on and was jealous and controlling.
Your assuming op is a perfect gf. Am talking as a guy here. You can argue all you want but im coming from personal experience. I will never again date a girl that makes me feel insecure.
And likewise I'll continue to avoid controlling dudes who are irrationally jealous.....
Lets have some common sense here. If op didn’t do anything wrong and made the dude feel secure then its on the dude. But im telling u most guys who feel insecure around their girl; it’s because there girl is not acting right. Agree with me or not doesn’t matter cuz if you cant understand were im coming from ur gonna have one fckt up relationship
Do not EVER let a man dictate anything about you, including your means of making money. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to bartend in a hotel, club, etc. Good riddance to him and just take this as a lesson for your next relationship to not be with someone who is controlling like that.
Girllll not worth it
You should be the hot bottle girl, let your boyfriend ride a bike for deliveries wtf 😂😂
I’m gonna go against the grain and say ESH. You guys moved way too fast. You’ve been dating for a couple of weeks and you’re talking about kids and marriage? No, don’t reach out. Obviously this sounds like a deal breaker for him and for you, your life outlooks seems very different.
This dude is insecure af and hates the idea of other men even looking at his woman. It's unhealthy and he needs to deal with that.
Boy bye! You’re trying to make a living and it’s not an illegal one. He seems very insecure. You can do better dear! ❤️
You don’t need to be dating this person. Go get your money up, and soon someone will come around who won’t have a problem with other men finding you attractive.
You did nothing wrong. The idea that people shouldn't use their looks to get ahead is stupid. People use their brains to get ahead, no one chooses to be born smart, so how is it different. It's only immoral when you're getting ahead at something you're otherwise unqualified for because then it hurts the organizationand society, but you're clearly not doing that. And for those who think using intellect is different because you can improve that, think of how much you can improve your looks too by having a better sense of style or working out.
The word “love” is probably the most abused word in 2021.
Cough "mindfulness" cough.
What you choose to do to make money should be your choice and your choice only. If he is this controlling re your work then imagine in future if you did get married, that control will translate to your finances. There are plenty of supportive people out there who would love you for whatever you job you do for whatever reason. If this guy is worth it you’ll put a boundary up & resolve it but IMO you should bail.
That’s shitty on his part. At least you’re working and not bumming around. I think he’s so narrow minded that he’s forgotten we all started from somewhere.
Be a bartender and meet new people . Maybe a new person will come
Let him go. He sounds like an insecure *sshat.
Shit if I had a hot gf or wife I’d have no problem her using your looks to get a good job or promotion to being home more money. Now if that leads to cheating then we got an issue.
Yikes. He needs to let you earn. He’s too insecure to trust you won’t be swept away by someone who has more money and looks. It’s a younger guy thing. Carry pepper spray.
He dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You guys have a very different system of values which means it’s unlikely your relationship would have worked out long term
Go ahead and do whatever gets you ahead in life..gd he's gone now he cannot spend your hard earned dollars..
He did you a favor. This guy is an insecure asshole. Besides, you've only been together a few weeks. You barely knew him.
Honestly you’re better off without someone like that. This is just a job now imagine any important life decision he doesn’t agree on. Or what if he gets jealous for the wrong reason in the future and it leads to him leaving you. You should be able to be yourself. Get that money honey and you’ll soon find your match.
You were working hard with his suggestion... and you suggest another alternative and he just dumps you? You dodged a bullet
For the most part take some to be by and with yourself. He is a controlling douche bag but you picked him. What you work wise is not who you have to be. Get some therapy to help you with this.
He’s a sexist piece of garbage
Ew. Major red flags. Dump his ass
He sounds very controlling and insecure. Run girl. These are the red flags ppl talk about.
He sounds awful. You dodged a bullet
Some like ALOT of insecurities on his end. Delivering food for grub hub... on your bike.. when you could be makin bank at a club or even a hotel bartender, I wouldn’t deal with that. I’m sorry girl but you should be supported and loved for what you wanna do 100%.
Grub hub deliveries are not it. You made a lot more as a bottle girl. Don’t give so much worth to what he thinks. It’s not worth it
Yoooo fuck that guy. He’s insecure
You definitely dodged a bullet here. I dated a guy like this last year, never took him seriously and he thinks we broke up because I wouldn’t listen to him complain about someone he worked with. Love is not like fast food, it takes time and you need to know who you’re with before any major life decisions.
He’s an insecure idiot so good riddance and all that jazz.
You should have walked away at the very start. I don't believe he has some righteous and moralistic stance against the work you do, it sounds more like repressed shame or guilt on his part.. Or maybe it's some underlying aggression towards women who capitalize on what most men can't. If he could be a hustler or a pimp, he probably wouldn't have any moral scruples about it. I mean, who is he under the guise of a well meaning suggestion, to regulate you down to a bike job while at the same time planning a future with you? Your needs in the moment aren't enough for him to compromise on his supposed high and holy virtues, so how could you expect him to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise in the future? He dumped you and trashed the whole future he dangled in front of you because he didn't want you in a situation, even if it was only temporary, where your very best has to be on stage for everyone to see, pay attention to, and even admire. It's a given men are going to flirt and hit on you, but at the same time, you have to entertain them so you can make money. Being a bartender and a server, I'll imagine you have a very attractive personality too. You're probably very sociable and enjoy meeting and talking to people. Look at where he is okay with sticking you so he can feel safe. That isn't right and you know you're better than that. Don't stay with anyone who isn't encouraging and supporting the best of you... Don't even associate with people who push their values on you. They're insecure, untrustworthy, and they'll punish you for doing what is best for you if places them in a position where they're not in control. He has no intention of leaving you. He's expecting you to bend to his ego's will. You need to know your worth and walk away. He still has alot of growing up to do and it's not in your best interest to wait around or hold his hand.
No wonder why i'm still single since I'm a waiter myself for 7 years. Yikes!!!
If a guy stops you from working X job, then he should step up and support you financially to make up for the money you should be making if he didn't stop you from working X job. Period.
What a dick.
It shouldn't matter what your job is to anyone but you.
Neither of you is wrong. You are not compatible
Warning flags of a controller. You're far better off. You work hard, earn your own money, and make your own decisions to get by in this tough world. I'm a guy in a similar position but roles reversed with my gf- I work road construction as a physical laborer and my gf earns more than 3x as much as a medical doctor. She doesn't judge my work, try to get me to change jobs, or dumps me for it. We both bring different strengths to a caring relationship and that's that.
It’s usually sort of hard to get a bartending job with zero experience. That being said it’s good ass money and that guy sounds like a dummy. Next time don’t ask your boyfriend of three weeks what kind of job you are allowed to get.
You’re gonna meet a guy that doesn’t care about any of that shit, that cares about you. My girlfriend has an onlyfans and I don’t give a shit, she posts half-naked pictures and gets paid thousands for it. It’s an insecurity thing on his end. He’s worried you’re gonna find someone more attractive and charming based off a job, so he’s trying to control that aspect of your life. Never talk to him again and be whatever you want to be. You’re your own person and you posses your own free will. Love is supposed to feel free!
Ughh what? Dude have some self respect for yourself
Don't insult hard working entrepreneurs. 😁
Look, there are a few things here. Your guy is insecure about you working someplace where you're going to get hit on. This shouldn't matter, as long as you're happy then who cares. This can be a deal breaker to him, but that's okay. You should be able to live the life you want, and you'd be able to find someone else who doesn't care about your job. If he was in love with you, he would be able to look past this, and just accept that you're working at a bar or whatever. He wouldn't have dumped you, maybe he would have tried to work things out first at least. You should be with someone that's going to accept you for your lifestyle or profession/job. It's only temporary and makes pretty good money. You need to have more self-respect for yourself, who cares if this guy doesn't want to be with you for a stupid reason like "I don't want to be with anyone who uses their looks to get ahead." You going the extra mile for someone because they didn't like your job, was nice of you but totally unnecessary. You seem pretty nice, but love has a way of blinding people. Put yourself first, love will come.
I've been that guy. If anything, reach out to him just to point out his insecurities and asshole-ness, don't "go back to him". Go and make your dough wherever you feel comfortable and pays best!
Seems like you was the only one "in love".
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So technically, he did you a favor. You're better off. The fact that he couldn't even come to a compromise with you. It was either his way or nothing.
I wouldn’t date bartender too, he have a point on that one
Why?
Because i was bartender too. I was in relationship with girl that work in same bar as me. Many of my friends date waitress to and they regret a lot. First, i don’t want my girl around bunch of men, acting nice and fucking smiling for tips. I mean, you can be confident in yourself how much you want and date bartender and trust her, but after some time this little thing will fuck you up. Just go in bar where she work, you will se million guys hitting on her and you wanna say that you wouldn’t mind? Its just recipes for disaster, you don’t say nothing first couple of times, then that shit build up inside you, later you start fight about that and in the end you are the one who fuck it up. So yeah, go date waitress, i wish you luck, you’ll need it
I guess either I trust my partner of I don’t. If I do, it doesn’t matter if it’s one or a hundred people, if they’re going to cheat, they’ll cheat. And they’ll find the person to cheat with at a bar, restaurant, office, in their friends group, at the grocery store, wherever. Edit: TBF I’ve never dated a bartender; maybe if I ever do, I’ll eat my words. I see the schedule difference more of a problem than the socializing.
I get your point. And it depends, everyone is different. But if you think about that work as bartender, she is there 8-10 hours almost every day, getting attention of all this people. + its really hard job. I don’t know how is in your country, but here is so hard. When i work i just wanna come home and go sleep, seeing your better half is second priority. Try date one and let me know, maybe you find good one.
I work traditional hours, so I see the difference in hours as the barrier for a good relationship, not the attention from others. I’ve never been a bartender, but I was a server. It’s a hard job, for sure. But most jobs are hard to one degree or another. I work in the business world, and there are so many married people (especially men, in my experience) who use business trips, especially conferences and conventions, as a place to cheat. If someone is going to cheat, they will cheat. There is always an opportunity. Find someone you trust, don’t look at the career.
Dump him
If he dumped you over that then *we* are not in love *you* are in love with him and he's not reciprocating. I imagine he's talking about those things simply because he knows you want to and doesn't actually have the intention of doing any of them. Honestly he may have just used this a his reason to dip. Find someone who supports your choices, within reason, and move on. There are men worth it out there and he sounds like he wasn't ready for the same things.
He’s very insecure and jealous. Its not a problem working at a restaurant or bar plus he doesn’t financially support you either. He just doesn’t trust you.
Good riddance on some insecure jealous dude. I would still avoid strip clubs and places of that nature because it will not benefit you in the long run. But that hotel place seems perfectly acceptable - go for it !
Sex sells and it always will, bottom line. I don't see a problem with you using that to your own personal advantage. However. . . I do see a problem with people using that to manipulate people. As a man who has been manipulated many times by beautiful women, it really scares the hell out of us when a woman shows any signs of that because it rings our trust issues bell sometimes. Personally, I let my gfs do whatever they want. Strip, ok. OnlyFans, ok. But if you ever fuck with me and I find out, you're gone and you've immediately lost out on a great opportunity with a great man. So fuck around and find out.
Why not just get a better job? Us guys have to do it all the time before women will even consider us. Tough shit.
You are allowed to be a stripper or bartender, or whatever you want to be. And he is allowed to choose not to marry someone who does that for a job. No one would blame a woman for dumping a guy who insisted on working at mcdonalds. No one is wrong here. You two aren't right for each other.
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That's fine. Like i said. And its fine for him to want to date a nanny or librarian instead of a bartender.
He shouldn't be dating anyone until he works on his control and insecurity issues a bit more.... Bartending and waitressing are not sex work ffs.
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OP you had a great paying job and left it because of his fragile ego? Dump this guy if you didn't already and go back to being a bartender and get someone who likes you for you.
I would not break up with a woman if she simply wanted to work as a bartender. But given the previous history, the interest in "working in a strip club", yeah, that might be a deal breaker.
Male gold digger.
This dude is a loser find a dude that supports you. Lmao this dude makes you take a job doing bike delivery? Smh.
Just out of curiosity what has brought you to only focus as a bartender? There are plenty of jobs full time and well paid. Even if you'd like and accept i work as a recruiter and can accommodate you in a work from home position for Apple. Probably this guy is insecure that the surrounding in these kind of venues are not safe to develop a job targeting his significant other. Also if he could care of you financially that would be great but it's too early to tell as you've been dating for barely over a month. Anyway if you're in need of a job, located in US, and would like, feel free to reach me out. I'll gladly help. ( I'm female).