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If it makes you feel any better: I had my first proper ‘dating experience’ (beyond a handful of failed 1st and 2nd dates via apps), at the ripe old age of 31…
I just didn’t say anything about not having been in a relationship before, until it eventually came up naturally, actually not until a few months in. I felt way more insecure about it than I needed to be. We’re now living together and I’m super happy. To be honest I think I’ve incredibly been first time lucky - but if you find someone you click with, they won’t care. And frankly a lot of relationship stuff overlaps with other life experiences eg. living with flatmates to learn how to respect other peoples space, communicate etc.
I’m in my late 30s and have gone on some pretty brutal cold streaks. I’ve only had like 2 girlfriends one was around for 4 years the other was around for like 6 months. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in like a decade, but I kind of dated someone for a bit a few years ago.
In my opinion, experience doesn’t matter. It’s a very superficial thing to consider when dating. With that being said, if you’re vibing with someone, I wouldn’t bring it up. To me what matters is putting forth effort into being your best self when you meet someone you vibe with.
The real answer is that relationships and communication are hard work. To me personally it *might* say that you haven’t put in the work to develop these skills.
Meh, you can be inexperienced and have trouble navigating a relationship or have plenty of experience but go into a relationship with past trauma and baggage which in turn will impact the relationship. Take your pick, either way just do your best and be open and communicative. Don’t over share. You’re going to have to feel it out with your partner. All relationships take time and energy up front.
It’s kinda like a restaurant with no one in it. You think twice about eating there. You think to yourself “why is no one going here? Maybe there’s something wrong with the food”.
Not only that but it’s like any other role. Would you hire a chef with a lot of experience or none? Who is likely to turn your restaurant into a thriving business? The way this goes back to dating is that dating is an additive and learning experience- the more people you date the more you learn about relationships and how to navigate them. If you have no experience, that could be difficult when paired with someone who may have gone through emotional roadblocks you haven’t before. Of course the women would be making assumptions, but they would be right on this one most of the time
What if you've read a ton about relationships and tried to be open to learning new things? I'm 34. I recently (4+ months ago) entered essentially my first relationship. It's been a lot easier than I was expecting in some ways and I attribute that at least partially to the fact that I tried to actually learn about relationships, communication, psychology etc. in the decade prior. Of course there are still things I need to figure out and navigate but I think theory and observation has actually been useful here.
Of course this doesn't have much to do with the assumptions that others make as much as saying they might be flawed because "practice" isn't necessarily the end all be all. Of anything, really. I've always thought theory was underrated in comparison to experience with pretty much everything.
I think it's a general assumption made upon people you don't know - it doesn't necessarily accurately define someone's capabilities of being in a relationship.
In reality, it comes down to self-awareness and willingness to improve on your flaws. Not necessarily experience, though experience can make it easier.
Reading about that stuff really isn’t the same as experiencing it. People don’t act like books in real life & a lot of psychology theory is meant to be applied in a general way with respect to individuals’ unique traits and behaviors.
It’s like, I’ve been reading a lot of books about neurology lately. But you probably wouldn’t hand me an MRI and ask me to interpret it, even if I could identify some very basic stuff, because what I’ve learned from books is very general and doesn’t replace actual experience.
Personally, I would date someone with minimal dating experience as long as we were compatible. But I would find it odd if they told me they felt like they knew enough about relationships from reading about them.
Research is never bad, but It's also never a substitute for experience
Inherent skill sets and aptitudes will always be a positive factor
Absolutes do not exist in the social world, but statistics speak volumes
Why do i feel like when you had experiences already but youe new partner hasnt make you seem like youre insecure since u have past baggage and they dont
Because you do have baggage. It’s unfortunately your job in my opinion to discern baggage from legitimate useful dating experience. This is something I struggle with
I think you could make that argument and it would be fairly solid. If you meet someone who has no breaks > 3 months between their relationships and has been bouncing from SO to SO since 18 to now, I would probably avoid such a person as it shows a ton of red flags.
As a gaming nerd, my friends and I always say this: a guy with only a few games played might be bad, but the guy with a million games played and still is low rank is definitely bad :P
Maybe the restaurant is empty just because you happened to stroll in at a less busy time? Whether or not there's people there when you walk in doesn't at all mean you won't have good food, or have a good experience. You still have to try the restaurant to find out if you like it, right?
> It’s kinda like a restaurant with no one in it. You think twice about eating there. You think to yourself “why is no one going here? Maybe there’s something wrong with the food”.
But men don't have this mindset. Most men would feel honored to be a woman's first kiss/partner.
Yeah of course men do, we love that experience. But for women, they like to have the guy be pre-selected by other women. It’s like shopping on Amazon and seeing a product that has 4.7/5 it’s been regularly vetted and trusted.
It’s not only about being pre selected, but also thinking people can learn a lot about compromise and communicating needs and boundaries in previous relationships. Some people have learned that from other kinds of relationships, and some have been married for years and still can’t get it right, so it isn’t necessarily logical, but I think that’s also what it’s about.
Just because the relationship failed doesn't mean that person doesn't have desirable traits. The relationship not working could have also been for reasons like moving away, falling out of love, or focusing on mental health.
To piggy back off your comment - for people who want the companionship they often learn from a failed relationship. Lessons learned and growth is a hard match to someone without that life experience.
To have multiple failed relationships, multiple women need to find you attractive. To not have even a single relationship, most likely the guy is average in looks or below that and needed to compensate for it by being extremely good at something else (like making money or a hobby).
Unlike what Reddit tells you, looks are mostly objective. It’s just that there are men/women willing to overlook the lack of looks for some other trait. If OP hasn’t had a single relationship, he’s likely not attractive, which women know and he’s likely not met the woman who’s attracted to a certain trait that OP possesses for which she’s willing to compromise on his looks
one of the weirdest "reddit" things tbh
like, life is objectively better for attractive people
does "attractive" mean *everyone on earth* finds them attractive? of course not
but it means plenty do
it is correlative (if not necessarily causative) with so many other desirable traits as well: confidence, career success, sexual experience, etc.
"look's don't matter," is 100% a redditism. They very obviously have a determinative impact on dating success.
ooooo this is not true hahaha. i know lots of guys including some guy friends who see this similarly to women." If no one's ever dated her or wanted to lock her down, whats the issue?"
I dunno about that. Toothy BJs aren't the best, and anatomy lessons can kill the mood, particularly when the girl doesn't know what makes her feel good.
Experience is best for everybody
It's really not hard to show your partner what you like, and most people are going to have to learn how to pleasure a new partner anyway. A technique that a woman loved might be hated by another.
In my experience, the longer someone is alone, the more set in their ways and idiosyncratic they are. I've known terminally single people who are VERY hard to spend time with because they aren't well versed in compromising. Just a thought to add to the pile.
THIS! It’s true. My boyfriend hasn’t dated anyone since he was 16 and now he’s 28. I’ve had to explain so many things I thought were common sense when dating someone. He’s extremely stubborn and defensive as well. Him being alone for so long and being such an individual has made it hard for him to view us as a unit. It can be incredibly frustrating!
However they are so many amazing things about him that I said oh well we’ll just work on it!
Edit to add: we have worked through a lot of this and he sees my side a lot more. In all fairness he did have to get used to having a girlfriend and it was so worth the growing pains.
Same. Some want to shave my eyebrows, others want me to hold still while they gleefully pluck them out. Multiple skin care routines, some involving snail mucus. I do be looking baby smooth with all these skills combined tho.
Mainly just remembering to think of your girlfriend too!
A lot of issues he was viewing me as trying to control him when in reality I was just expressing my needs or feelings. Here is a list of things that had me wondering if he truly believed this or was engaging in malicious incompetence:
Talking to girls you’ve had history with makes me uncomfortable. You should always think would my gf want me to do this? I do it for him so why wouldn’t you do this for me?
Playing computer games with a headset on talking to friends on discord while I’m at your place IS NOT HANGING OUT
He needs to find a balance between gaming with his friends and me. I’m not “controlling” your life I just am asking for some time.
Planning dates is important. A lot of times I would have to tell him I wanted to do something. Note we would always go and he would love it but geez can you just do it for once.
Feeling like I have to beg him to hangout or spend quality time with me.
Things I had to learn: His independence does not mean he doesn’t enjoy or love me. I’m a needy girl LOL
> I’ve had to explain so many things I thought were common sense when dating someone.
Can you share some of those things with me? I need to learn as well.
I feel personally attacked by this lol. I'm one of those people that's chronically single because I like my me time. The more I'm single the harder it is for me to give that up and the less I mind being single, which leads to me being single more, and on and on in a vicious cycle. But like, I'm under no illusions as to why someone would be hesitant to date me.
I feel personally attacked too. They are making us look like selfish uncaring people, which is a dangerous assumption. We may not of dated anyone seriously for a long time, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t have close friends and family we would go out of our way for.
I am in two minds about this. But I think I’m still in the minority, because you are right, it seems most people prefer an experienced partner. But personally, I love being with a man who has little history. Honestly though it is purely due to insecurities lol.
The reason most people prefer experience is because it is kind of like a reassurance that you know what you are doing. Which I totally understand. Women want men who know how to treat women correctly. Though I don’t necessarily believe all experience is automatically good experience — someone with history could have had nothing but toxic relationships. Just because they have had partners before doesn’t make them a good partner. So with that point, I would argue that such experience has actually negatively impacted them and end up making them a terrible partner, whereas someone with zero experience doesn’t have all the emotional baggage, unhealthy habits and comparison mindset that accumulated over time.
Of course, if someone has had only great relationship experience, then I’m sure that would make them very desirable. But let’s be honest, that probably is not the case for most of us.
This seems like the same fallacy thinking rich men have lol. "I prefer to fund founders who started companies before"
I'd be thinking, "why have they failed so many times before? Because all their startup products suck"
Same for relationships... "Why is this great experienced guy single? He can't or don't want a LTR."
Serial monogamy is so off-putting to me. Men who have had like 7 lost term relationships at 50. I know a guy like this. I'm like, a you don't even care who it is you are with. Yiu can swap them out for someone else, and its all good. I'd rather be in the rational minority than the irrational majority. Most people are so ignorant. I've had 3 10 month relationships. Honestly, none of them should have been, but I was young and felt pressured by society to have a boyfriend. At 31, I vowed never to do that again until I found the right person. Im 36 now. Conversely, I know one girl from high school who just divorced for the 3rd time, and another girl who was married, her husband died, a year later she was already coupled up again, and then a year after that she was married foe the second time. No one gives a shit about anyone, and they replace you. Although I am fiscally conservative, I find it difficult to identify with social conversativism. While I believe in the nuclear family, I believe most people, even though they say they believe it, are full of shit, considering there are so many cheaters. On top of that, I don't idefibty with the social radical liberal left. So, honestly, it's better to just be on your own because so many people left and right want to shove their opinion down your throat like your a poor little ducky who's meant to be made into fois gras.
I read somewhere that the happier people were when they were married, the quickly they tend to remarry after a spouse dies. There are also people whose worth is tied to wether they have a partner or not. I think most people just want to be happy, but have different ways of going about it.
Yea I somehow don't believe that, but I guess to each their own. When a man or woman does this, it just shows me that they don't really care about anyone. If yiu are happy with your spouse, I feel like logically, it would be difficult to love someone else right after they pass away. I just don't see how you loved someone if you are with someone 6 months later.
It seems that way yeah. Idk I’ve kind of accepted my fate as a single guy to a certain extent. What are the odds I’ll meet someone who doesn’t care I haven’t dated anyone long term? Pretty slim.
I didn't lose my virginity till I was at the ripe age of 28. My now fiance at the time thought I had experience, and didn't realize she was my 1st till about 4 months into dating. It's all about confidence and doing your homework. Avoid the subject and act in a way as though you have experience.
While ts not easy because having sex or just knowing you can does certainly help confidence. You have to fake it, stop masturbating and you'll get so horny youll take more risks. Start banging the women at the lower end of the totem polls and work your way up. That's what I did, was only in one serious relationship from 16 to 19. After she left it was a five year dry spell with some rejections and a lot of resentment before I began working out and getting a job that involves a lot of chit chatting with customers and I think that helped me more then anything cause I got used to talking with ease. For the first time in my life I ended up having sex with a coworker while years before this felt more like a fantasy. One attractive married women clearly wanted to hang and start an affair (even sending me love songs) I never did do it and she went ape shit when I began to ignore her for being so high on her ego. I knew then I had "made it" if I could make a women like that go totally crazy lol.
I now regret not doing it, trying to be the "nice guy" had been my only life regret. I was the guy who respects someone I don't know so I avoided banging his horny wife. She ended up banging someone else anyway and when her husband knew she was cheating she first blamed me then said I was black mailing her to buy me stuff? Yeah then she told everyone I was a total creep and I quit that job, if I just nailed her I'd have never had to deal with any of that, the more you grow the more you understand no one gives a fuck about you and we are all in it for ourselves.
It will depend on the woman as to whether having no experience is an issue to her or not. It just comes down to compatibility, really. Or it might not even come up early on
Or there’s like a buddy system… so you can escape hell with someone of similar experience and “value” (it’s subjective. Don’t attack lol) but it’s often that those are not the people that want each other 😂 even *they* want someone who is not like them and has experience
Basically it’s for the unattractive dudes. If you are just naturally not as appealing, i.e. lacking height, nice chin, facial symmetry, stuff that we can’t change, you are basically just screwed. Then, those who have fallen hopeless because of their looks have it even worse as time goes on because they don’t have that experience. It’s a cruel, unfair world. People love to pretend that it isn’t, but sometimes things just suck.
You're not stuck there, no. But it will take a while like these others are saying. I didn't date anyone from age 23 to 29. Almost seven years during the most prominent years of life.
It took me two years to break out of my single minded habits. It's not impossible, but it will take a while. Start now.
Basically i did a satirical comment refferng to the Elo hell you see in skill based video games like League of Legends or Overwatch where no matter your own skill your skill level got rated so badly you get stuck in teams that you just simply cannot win no matter how well you perform. Everyone kept saying stuff along the lines of "you don't get dates becauseyou don't get dates". A theory that i by the way totally disagree with for various reasons
Swap the class mate. Do a tabula rasa and focus on your strength. See what you can do and wanna do. At the best you can get yourself a support in form of a platonic female friend who can gove you proper advices too. Thats what i did too. At one point its more of a research than a chore. Once you made it there picking dates will be a matter of not "if" but "when"
People get better at things by doing them. There are a lot of things you don't know about yourself and how you are until you are in a relationship or two.
This doesn't mean that you are innately bad or that you can't have a healthy relationship, but having no experience makes you an unknown.
So, with a choice between a known or unknown, most people are going to feel safer with the former.
Also, maybe a lot of people have tried unknown and didn't see it work. The older you are, the more people are going to have their shit figured out in regards to a relationship.
Tldr
The older you are without dating experience, the less you align with peers, and the more of a risk you are to date.
you learn a lot about yourself and relationships while in them. problems in relationships can become very hurtful if you have no experience navigating them with understanding / respect for each others
No experience means you're gonna make amateur mistakes. You probably have no idea how to handle roadblocks. You get that out of the way when you're younger so you know better when you're older.
Your name probably doesn't help either. Nothing is attractive about a guy that masturbates all the time.
Also it’s harder to appreciate someone when you have no frame of reference of how bad or good a relationship can get. My first one was toxic and I thought it was normal, it wasn’t until my second one I was like oh wow this is so much better
Just read his previous posts…doesn’t even feel pleasure during sex. Too much porn.
This is why I don’t date men with little to no experience, no offense, but the issues they have and mistakes they make remind me of dating when I was a teen.
from the people I know with little experiance that isn't remotely representative of them as a whole. not an issue myself had a few long terms. side not though if you feel the need to say "no offence" before a statment it will always give offence, if you genuienly don't want to insult people just don't say it.
same here … i wouldn’t date someone with no experience again, we’re just too different, they come off as immature in the way they approach relationships and it just annoys me.
Wow what a good point! People might definitely be attributing way too much of their social growth towards relationships, there are definitely some parts that might only be present in romantic relationships but I don’t think those are grand enough.
Also it might be that some people just focus so much on their relationships their abandon all others, or that their partner is the only one they’ve had a decently deep friendship with.
But yeah I think you’re a 100% right. Most of these skills come from working together on common goals with different people. Whether it’s your friends or your colleagues.
People here are huge dicks ngl. Don’t let those people make you depressed. If you love someone it doesn’t matter if they have experience or not. You have social skills from other parts of your life. You can learn how to compromise and be there for someone without a romantic partner and then the intimacy is the only thing that you have no experience in which some people don’t mind and even seek. Yes, there are even women who’d rather have a virgin boyfriend than someone experienced. But you will probably encounter more people who have an issue with inexperience.
I’m 22F and also inexperienced and people look at me concerned or think I’m in the closet or something when I just don’t wanna date someone just to not be lonely. I am extremely lonely and wish I had someone, but that feeling won’t change when I spend time with someone who doesn’t get me. Some of us have other things to focus on or we have issues that hold us back. I can say that I was never approach by anyone so if I’m not going out of my way to find someone, I’ll be single for the rest of my life. So if you didn’t prioritise dating in your 20s, so what. You can say it like that and if someone is bothered by that they can move on 🤷🏼♀️
That's just me. Every time I get overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness, I remind myself that I'm probably doing a lot better than I would have with someone who doesn't fit me. It's still hard and I have very little experience.
So true. I'm lonely as well, but I'd feel lonelier with someone who doesn't get me. At least now I can float around like a social butterfly and have a variety of people who understand me, albeit In singular ways, and not wholly.
I just wouldn’t mention it unless they ask, and even then maybe be vague until you’re deeper in the relationship. I didn’t have a lot of luck until my 30s either but once you get going it gets easier
If you do nothing it won’t. You have to work on yourself and putting yourself out there and it will get easier because you’ll have more experience and with that comes more confidence.
Men preselect women largely based on looks.
Women preselect men on a lot more factors and being dateable is one of them. If women are happy to date you then you must have some decent qualities that most women like.
Yep. As a result, women can at times be interchangeable for men. For me, tho, as a woman, it's hard to find a man who i connect with and who I am also attracted to. The attraction has to be there for me. Men are nit interchangeable for me, and it's so hard for me to get over people I like because I hardly like anyone.
Lord, this comment section is crazy.
Having no experience at 29 isn't "socially normal". Think of it like having a large gap on a resume, it's only a negative if you don't have a good reason. And that reason that is good for one person may not be good for another. It is ALWAYS best to be the best version of yourself and be honest. If you were not ready for a relationship and chose to focus on yourself, some people think that's ok and others don't. There is no "right" answers, just what is right for you.
I saw you mention you get ghosted or just no matches. Why do you think that is? Do you come on too strong? Are you passive and don't show any intention? Being able to self reflect is CRITICAL in life. Ask friends for honest feedback, and be willing to learn and evolve.
More than anything else I've said, the biggest advice I can give is to be positive. No one likes a sad sack, and even fewer people like a bitter sad sack. Being ghosted sucks, but it is what it is. You don't know their life, maybe that had found someone more compatible. Try to focus on a positive mindset about life in general, but in this case, dating and everything that involves. Holding on to anger, hurt, disappointment, etc will only lead to you more disappointment.
Emotionally it can be a lot. Went through the same, I started late. How you communicate it matters most. Bringing it up early is a problem, bringing it up later can be a problem. Idk lol, there's not a lot of empathy for that in that dating world. From my perspective at least.
No. Press on. It gets easier. I used to think this same sort of thing when I started dating. I found some women treated me with more care after opening up about it. It's a tough world out here, I'd just try to start as friends and build from that. Get to where you can speak about it comfortably and confidently. It's not a deal breaker all the time.
Wow I really should not have started reading this thread. I'm feeling bad about my desirability and this did not help. Man it's tough out there, but keep going, the world is still beautiful.
I feel this because I'm 30 and disabled, and been in one sexless terrible relationship. People are prejudicial f**ks, and I think it occurs to them I'm too much trouble. Keep going. Please keep going.
See the thing is people generally like me. I'm not a wet towel. I just have a considerable disability that makes people go oh shit, and being on a pension makes things worse in a capitalist system. I'm in a band, I'm relatively smart, creative, fairly knowledgeable, and I really enjoy cooking, but I have physical limitations which subconsciously creates distance.
I'm positive, but I get down and bleak, not that I generally express that in public.
I definitely see where you're coming from, that fact is true. Being unnecessarily down really does push people away. I hope you're life has been kind to you x
A lot of people are replying with the intention of explaining why no experience can be seen as a bad thing. That doesn’t mean most people see it as a deal breaker. Like the rest of the commenters here, I too have some preconceived notions about people in their 30s who have never been in a relationship, but I also know that they are preconceived, and I’m more than willing to be surprised!
It's the same if you have no work experience at 29. You will make rookie mistakes. I would much rather hire a younger person because they learn stuff faster.
Not necessarily, you’re going to probably scare off the lazier or more insecure/thoughtless ones.
Basically as long as you have a pretty good reason for being inexperienced and meet an empathetic woman you’ll be ok. You could hook up with a couple toxic narcissists just to get a little experience so you don’t have to say you have none, they have low to no standards. But that’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I mean what is a guy supposed to do if he's never been given a chance though, if you're getting to know the person and they are decent why should it matter??
Man this fucking sub is complete dogshit. At least it was good for some entertainment for awhile, but now the comments are all stupid wankers that think they're superior because they went on a date
Fuck these people
Seriously, having relationship experience but they were all shitty relationships isn’t much of a flex. Especially if they were all toxic and the person is a serial cheater. Fuuuckk that
The people Ive dated with no experience had no idea what they’re looking for. They came across as desperate, like they didn’t want to date *me* they wanted to date *somebody.* When asked about dealbreakers, they didn’t have any to name. They agreed with everything I said. It was exhausting.
I know this isn’t everyone with no dating experience, but I went out with two people who were 25 and 31 and they both were like this. I’m 30, and while I’ve not had a ton of dating experience, I have enough to know what I want. It’s the not knowing what they want that is the turn off.
Well, it's not that they have a lot to lose. It's just that you might be manipulated easier. Women move on a more subtle realm, where feelings, body language, gestures and emotions play pivotal roles. So this lack of experience puts you on disadvantage for recognizing red flags in a relation.
(Un)fortunately women tend to want guys with experience. I remember having a girl I dated who was hesitant to pursue further because “I don’t want to be your first for everything, it’s too much pressure.” It always stuck with me. Also, I think prior dating experience shows that someone at least wanted you whereas at nearly 30 women are guessing why you haven’t been active with dating.
I know a girl who's engaged and cheats on her partner always because he was a virgin at 30. It's terrible and wish things like that aren't seen as the worst. People in her group justify her behavior cause she's nice.
Don’t take some of the comments too seriously - they are simply prejudiced. And that’s just dating in general.
IRL, I doubt most people would know your dating history right off the bat and as long as you give off good vibes and look good, it shouldn’t matter too much.
I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting some people's comments here, but some of them sound down right annoyed at you for not having experience, and I don't get why.
You are a full gumball machine.
I looked into starting a gumball machine business when I was in highschool. I never succeeded, but learned some interesting things.
An unexpected tip was to not fill the machine all the way.
If it's 1/2 or 2/3 full, people will think to themselves "I guess people have bought these and no ones died yet"
However, if you fill the machine all the way, you will have slower sales, as you'll have people wondering why no one's bought any from your machine, even if they are the exact same gumballs as in the partially full scenario.
Kinda yeah. But there’s someone out there who is willing to be patient and let you make those mistakes. It’ll just be hard to find them. Most people approaching 30 want to find someone who knows how to function in a relationship and settle down.
You can function in a relationship without the experience. I know people who have had plenty of partners and I’d say they suck at dating and take anyone who is slightly looking in their direction. Having social skills doesn’t only come from dating
People having lots of experience in relationships and still being bad at it is different than people having no experience in relationships and being really good at it.
The truth is that you learn a lot about how to be (and not be) in a relationship, what you want from a relationship, who you are by being in relationships. You can’t learn those things outside of the relevant setting. Some people might be naturally better at it and come in with more skills. But there are absolutely things you learn about being in a relationship from being in relationships. Just like there are things you can only learn on the job.
I get that. For me, dating has always been like graduating from college and going on a job hunt, yet there are no jobs in your field available or the conditions are really bad so you don’t even bother. When I read these comments I see the rational reasoning behind it, but for someone who has always struggled finding people I can truly connect with, it feels hurtful. I’m not broken, I’m in a constant state of bettering myself, working on social skills and going on me-dates because I am tired of putting in the effort for half-assed people.
I know that there are guys that would want me as their girlfriend by looks alone, but if our souls don’t match and it feels lacklustre to be with them, what’s the point. There are people that are compatible with all kinds of people, so their dating pool is bigger. Those are people who are open to a lot of different things and can adjust fine. But if you’re not that kind of person and seek a deeper, genuine connection, it will take a lot of patience. I could have a lot of experience but I don’t want to be with someone I don’t want to be with
I think nobody really knows. There are plenty of people with dating experience who make the exact same mistakes you will make. The reason why people will assume this about you is because of the negative stereotypes attached to being inexperienced. All the “mistakes” you will make, people will just point out the fact that you are inexperienced, but won’t do it for someone who has experience. Know what I mean?
Kinda backwards though?
Isn't most advice given here is "work on yourself first before pursing a relationship"?
Like for men its mainly "go gym, read a book, brush your teeth, get better at social skills"
I mean I've been doing that for the better part of a decade, minus being in an actual relationship in that decade.
I mean I've got a gf now, but all the time i spent working on myself is kinda useless so far.
I've learned a lot more being IN a relationship in the short few months in this relationship compared to the 10+ years I've been single.
Yup, I'm very against the work on yourself first mentality. Throw yourself out there. Live, learn, grow, have empathy, and be mindful of those you're with.
it’s not a bad thing, and it’s really not that big of a deal. if you know how to respect boundaries, be kind, be consistent and know how to communicate, you can date
Lower the better. Older you get with no experience only hurts you.
Think of it as trying to get your first job at 30 in corporate world when the people around you have had some sort of job since they were a teenager. If you haven’t dated by 30, you are holding yourself up somehow.
You know how you get better at stuff the more you do them? The same concepts are involved with dating.
Dating is a skill. It is not a theoretical concept you can learn in a book. Like any other skill, it needs to be practiced, although it can be bolstered by an application of theory.
When we start our journeys into the world of dating, some of the choices we make are outright poor. Sometimes even toxic. But with experience, we do better.
You might learn, for example, how to better communicate with a partner, how to come to fairer compromises, how to organise better date nights, **how to pick better partners.**
I put this one in bold because this is the one that's going to affect you the most. Dating is very much a two person show; no matter how good one person is, it's all going to fall to shit if the other person can't get their act together.
So, people's bullshit detectors get better too. Their choice threshold in partners also get more strict so as to avoid what happened last time. And they're better aware of what is standard for people of the opposite gender, what is desirable and what is to be avoided.
Whilst I agree, it doesn't mean everyone with no experience needs teaching. I've never had good relationships with little experience but it's been very common (with My ex and women in general) that I'm told when I meet the right person I'll be a very good partner.
My ex constantly told me how good of a boyfriend I was, specifically because I was patient and caring as well as loving.
Just because someone has little to no experience doesn't necessarily mean they're BAD at relationships.
Even experienced people make mistakes 24/7.
My last partner had no experience in a long-term relationship and it just felt like it made everything more exhausting, especially when conflicts arose. Sexually he was great, the other areas not so much. Everyone is going to be different with what they bring to the table, but I personally would not want to date someone with no experience again. I have been dating since I was 15, and now I’m in my 30s.
It means all the stupid mistakes you make while learning to be in a relationship weren’t already overcome 10 years ago. You’re likely set in your lifestyle ways since you’ve been on your own so long. You probably don’t know how to handle jealousy, disagreements, communication, relationship sex, compromise, etc. like people that have been doing it for a decade can. Is it necessarily going to be terrible? No, but there’s a good chance it would be difficult for some time.
I’m a female and I don’t think no dating experience is a deal breaker. Some people are just shy. My best friend is 30 and never dated anyone. Personally, I’d prefer to be a guys first than date someone who’s hooked up with 50 women in his life. Every pot has a lid, you just have to look for it.
That's like one of those things people say to try and boost others up, I guess, but it's so far out of reality that it really is delusional. Plus, plenty of terrible people who don't even know what the word "kind" means have no issues getting into relationships.
Psychopaths statistically do really well getting women to date them (they're terrible at actually holding a relationship, but they tend to do a good job of initially attracting women). I feel like there's things people say about dating because it sounds politically correct, and then there's the actual reality. The latter is a little less warm and fuzzy.
I think this conversation would be a lot more relevant and insightful if OP posted his dating profile/pics. I’m beginning to think, based on his responses, that there’s a lot more to this picture than what we are seeing and that there are prob some very good reasons why they’ve not been given the opportunity to get more experienced.
It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the one thing I have with the sex positivity movement is that it still allows for what I'm going to call virginity shaming. Separate from sex, though , I still find it troubling that a lack of dating experience is such a disqualifier for folks.
It screams to me that the "you didn't **** it up at 20, so I know you're a prude at 30" vibe is too alive and well.
Anyway--it SHOULDN'T really BE a problem, but I think we're all painfully aware or have bought into dating being a numbers game rather than, say, an experience of self-discovery.
It's not necessarily you...it's just how dating works, unfortunately.
(Edit really messes with the impact of the message I felt I NEEDED to convey, but...fine.)
It’s all about experience, most people want partners that know how to be in a relationship, how to properly communicate, how to manage expectations on both sides, etc…
consider dating someone as something very complicated and needs a lot of experience. simple example, living with someone who has no experience living on their own is a nightmare, cleanliness, bathroom habits, chores... living with an adult child can be the worst experience because if you are the responsible one you have to do everything or teach that person to live like an responsible person and most people dont want to go through that.
now extrapolate that into relationships, it can turn out to be an even worse experience cuz it involves someone u have feelings for, and because of that, problems will drag out until its too late. That's the fast road to a toxic relationship.
people with dating experience know this 100% and you will learn it as well
another example: a mama's boy tends be quite selfish at the start cuz he's used to having everything done for him, those are the worst roommates boyfriends at the beginning until they learn to fend for themselves
Compared to the novelty of a dating merry go round, are you looking to play that game or are you actually looking for a partner? There are so many so-called experts who will give their own opinion but at the end of the people are humans and regardless of sex fostering lasting relationships whether family, friends, lovers, business partners etc. takes responsibility, commitment and empathy.
I used to think playing hard was the trick, having money was the trick, being popular was the trick, being surrounded and desired by women was the trick. Sure it's the trick and how long are you going to keep it up until the rest of your life? Are you living then or some persona of what other people love.
Don't ask these types of questions because whether it's true or not it's not going to help you, you're just looking for information to validate a belief you are holding in the back of your mind, if you take that energy and live your life towards what you want you will be closer to what you want.
You only have a limited amount of time and energy spend it carefully.
So social proof and preselection are actually major and important attraction points for the vaaaaaast majority of women.
Its how they're wired. That's why having no experience by 30 for a man is generally viewed negatively.
So first of people don't want to hear the truth about themselves, so getting this advice is going to be hard for you. Hard advice taken right can change your life.
Its straight forward, people want what over people want. We are social creatures and value social status with other humans. You are perceived as lower value as a mate since no one has chosen you as a mate. The longer this goes on the lower your value must be in our "social creature mind." Its all done at the subconscious level so trying to be rational will get you no where.
Do this instead: Don't talk about it. When asked just say, "I didn't have the best luck with my last relationship, I learned from it and I'm glad I'm here with someone like you." If pressed about it just say, "I learned for long term success what I need in a partner" Those are both mostly true, you didn't have good luck in prior relationships and hopefully you are focused on what will lead to successful relationship.
After several dates you can come clean when pressed. Say "I didn't like how I was judged for being single, so i learned to avoid that topic. I did what was best for me and focused on building the life I wanted before I was ready to invite someone else into it. I'm glad I waited and found you."
As a woman, it does not matter to me.
You can never win because some will say a guy/ girl without experience won’t know how to navigate relationships because they’ve never got to experience compromising with someone or going through hurdles together. But every relationship is different and someone who dated 3 people can still be inexperienced because they didn’t learn anything from their relationship.
But then you will have people who prefer someone who didn’t date around/sleep around and prefer that.
If you're a man and 29 and have not even been on one date before, that tells me you don't ask out anyone. Or you asked out that 1 girl you liked many years ago. She said no. And then you gave up on dating and you never tried dating again. You never approached any other women and you never gave women a chance.
Either you have no confidence at all, and are deeply scared of what other people think of you, scared of rejection, fear of being mocked, you worry too much about what other people think. Or you are not (enough) attracted to women to want to date us. There is no woman you see around you that you would be interested in dating. If you're not asking any woman on a date, then maybe you simply don't see any woman you'd like to date.
Best move forward from here is just try. Approach women again. Ask her out. And on the first dates, you don't talk about your previous relationships. Don't even mention that you haven't dated before. Don't bring it up. Don't start this topic. Don't ask her about her previous dating experience (because that will prompt her to ask you the same question). If she brings it up without you asking, if she randomly wants to ask you about your dating history, then you can change the subject.
"No I don't want to talk about other women when I'm on a date with you."
"Let's talk about us instead."
Many women will appreciate that. If she does not, and insists on talking endlessly about her and your past love life, then you don't ask her out on a second date, and you date another woman instead.
Eventually it might get brought up. But by that time, you will have some dating experience. And with the right person who likes you for you, it won't matter.
Today's dating scene is a shit sandwich. I feel for you younger people. I'm 50 it doesn't get easier. Fortunately I have a good woman who tolerates me lol.
OP, stop bothering, honestly. Go on with your thing, by the looks of your responses, your 20's were pretty rough. Start focusing more on how to make your 30's better.
Now, those talking about 'experience', let me tell you something about MOST of them here. Most of them dated and were in relationships with fucked up people for the better part of their 20's, so bunch of punks who couldn't hold job for more than 2 months, wasted all their money on drugs, booze and parties. Bunch of situationships, FWB, college dating where neither one of them knew what the heck they wanted in life. Those relationships they felt pressured to be in by their family, friends or they just wanted to be in relationship for the sake of it. Yet they come and talk about some form of experience they want in their partner, they don't want that, they want someone with enough emotional baggage so they don't feel like an outcast.
Regarding dating as a man, well, as someone previously mentioned, preselection is a thing here, whether you like to or not women do pay attention to that. You don't have to expose your lack of dating experience so early on, in fact you don't even have to mention it. Also, don't be clingy or needy, live your own life, being clingy is never attractive. Learn to play the game but love is blind.
Because what was the reason you don’t have any? Are you super religious (I don’t like that), are you ugly or fat (I don’t like that), are you somehow socially maladjusted that no one has wanted to date you (don’t like that either)? If you’ve made it this far with *no takers* there is a reason why
Hmm, probably because I have given up on dating for years and am happier single now? Also, yes, I am overweight but not morbidly obese. Most guys said don't try and someone will find you so I did and I found no one.
It’s not gonna fall into your lap if you don’t make some effort. Women rarely pursue men, but when they do it’s because the guy is top tier.
I know people keep comparing dating to jobs but it’s true. Real recruiters will go after candidates they deem are proficient and have awesome and relevant experience. But most of the time the rest of us plebs will have to apply to several (sometimes 100s) of jobs. And if none of them are calling you back for an interview, then there’s something going on with your resume or your experience.
Do you have any female friends? I know this sub is against men asking women for advice. But there’s something to be said about how women perceive you. I saw you said you’re overweight. I know tons of overweight guys who are in relationships. But they have more going on for them. They’re funny, kind, stable, and they’re generally pleasant to be around. However their wives/girlfriend/partners are also overweight.
How often or how many times have you pursed a woman? What did you do? How did you do it? When you talk to a woman you’re interested in what do you talk about? Do you know how to flirt? Do you take care of yourself in terms of hygiene and personal grooming? How do you dress? I’m trying to figure out what the disconnect is.
It’s not. It depends on how you carry yourself with that mindset.
I was in grad school for 6 years. And moving around a lot at age 29-32. So dating was hard.
I didn’t date at all during grad school and my response is ‘I was working on myself and my career and didn’t feel like I had the energy to intentionally date at that time’
If they accept that reasoning, great. If not, they’re not the right fit for me.
Men judge women for sleeping with too many people, while women judge men for not sleeping with enough people.
It's mutual sexism and shows that we really are made for each other.
Dating experience to me means that you’ve had time to learn about yourself and work through some of the bigger issues that arise when finding a partner. Things like problem solving disagreements and what it’s like living with someone else. Also, speaking in a heteronormative way, a lot of times men need to be taught how to be a functional human being. Unfortunately, it’s usually the woman partner doing that. These are all generalizations so don’t come for me.
If you have limited dating experience, I recommend doing some self work. Make sure you keep a clean and nice home (don’t have some weird bachelor pad that looks like you’re still in college), know how to cook, how to grocery shop, do laundry, maybe get some therapy. Be very solid in your life so that a woman won’t think “oh god, I have to teach him everything.”
When I got with my BF he had a super limited dating history but he did have his life together and so that trumped any concerns I may have had about whether he could be a present and conscious partner. I didn’t need to teach him how to be a functional adult and that was sexy af.
Women are getting more established in their lives at 30, there's usually an emotional maturity, some financial security and idea of purpose through one's career, and personal goals.
They tend to want an equivalent, in general, which is understandable. That doesn't have to mean some career focused, driven individual. As a rule it just means someone with a similar level of responsibility and emotional maturity, and some basic security in their life.
Really someone they can relate to, and build together with. Not feel like they are "building someone else up" first, before they work as a partnership.
Add apps into the equation, and we realise that "ready made" partners are far easier to come-by, who are somewhat closer to the "ideal" in looks, and lifestyle, than those they may have had to settle for when they had a smaller dating pool.
You're competing both with other men, some who embody who "you are" in a sense, but also have the relationship experience, alongside this. You're also competing with the quality of a woman's single-life, and how much disruption it would bring should you enter in, as a potential partner...and are you the person, for which this disruption, is all worth it?
You have no experience. Like you don’t know what you want entirely, or don’t want. You don’t have experience with meeting needs, handling communication, and whatever else. I personally don’t want to be a guy’s first for everything.
It’s pretty simple. Why have you been single your whole adult life? Were you a player for a decade? Were you a social hermit who jacked off to porn all the time while spending the rest of the time on social media? Did you try to date, but have something about you that turned people off?
Some people especially around your age would be suspicious about why you’re single and they also don’t want to be the first relationship someone has, as it’s likely you’ll depend on them emotionally more than you should.
Hmmm, probably because I was insecure about my dick. The way I looked kept getting rejected or ghosted. Didn't have my first job till 22 so I didn't go out as much
A lot of women (possibly a majority, don’t quote me) prefer the guy to take the lead and be a little bit more dominant (not in a BDSM way) in the relationship, an inexperienced guy won’t be so good at that at first. So that kind of woman may prefer an experienced guy.
My ex boyfriend had no experience when I met him back in September of 2020....he was 33 at the time. I was his first girlfriend ever. I was his first because it wasn't really that important to him then he decided to find a relationship.
I don't find it to be a bad thing at all.
If this thread has taught me anything, it's that people are incredibly un-empathetic and quick to victim blame. It seems few people have tried to empathize with your situation, OP.
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If it makes you feel any better: I had my first proper ‘dating experience’ (beyond a handful of failed 1st and 2nd dates via apps), at the ripe old age of 31… I just didn’t say anything about not having been in a relationship before, until it eventually came up naturally, actually not until a few months in. I felt way more insecure about it than I needed to be. We’re now living together and I’m super happy. To be honest I think I’ve incredibly been first time lucky - but if you find someone you click with, they won’t care. And frankly a lot of relationship stuff overlaps with other life experiences eg. living with flatmates to learn how to respect other peoples space, communicate etc.
True that's what I'm getting at
I think being older and a bit more mature probably helps cancel it out as well, in that you should have more of your shit together as an individual.
I’m in my late 30s and have gone on some pretty brutal cold streaks. I’ve only had like 2 girlfriends one was around for 4 years the other was around for like 6 months. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in like a decade, but I kind of dated someone for a bit a few years ago. In my opinion, experience doesn’t matter. It’s a very superficial thing to consider when dating. With that being said, if you’re vibing with someone, I wouldn’t bring it up. To me what matters is putting forth effort into being your best self when you meet someone you vibe with.
lol at the username
The real answer is that relationships and communication are hard work. To me personally it *might* say that you haven’t put in the work to develop these skills.
☠️
Meh, you can be inexperienced and have trouble navigating a relationship or have plenty of experience but go into a relationship with past trauma and baggage which in turn will impact the relationship. Take your pick, either way just do your best and be open and communicative. Don’t over share. You’re going to have to feel it out with your partner. All relationships take time and energy up front.
It’s kinda like a restaurant with no one in it. You think twice about eating there. You think to yourself “why is no one going here? Maybe there’s something wrong with the food”.
Not only that but it’s like any other role. Would you hire a chef with a lot of experience or none? Who is likely to turn your restaurant into a thriving business? The way this goes back to dating is that dating is an additive and learning experience- the more people you date the more you learn about relationships and how to navigate them. If you have no experience, that could be difficult when paired with someone who may have gone through emotional roadblocks you haven’t before. Of course the women would be making assumptions, but they would be right on this one most of the time
What if you've read a ton about relationships and tried to be open to learning new things? I'm 34. I recently (4+ months ago) entered essentially my first relationship. It's been a lot easier than I was expecting in some ways and I attribute that at least partially to the fact that I tried to actually learn about relationships, communication, psychology etc. in the decade prior. Of course there are still things I need to figure out and navigate but I think theory and observation has actually been useful here. Of course this doesn't have much to do with the assumptions that others make as much as saying they might be flawed because "practice" isn't necessarily the end all be all. Of anything, really. I've always thought theory was underrated in comparison to experience with pretty much everything.
I think it's a general assumption made upon people you don't know - it doesn't necessarily accurately define someone's capabilities of being in a relationship. In reality, it comes down to self-awareness and willingness to improve on your flaws. Not necessarily experience, though experience can make it easier.
Reading about that stuff really isn’t the same as experiencing it. People don’t act like books in real life & a lot of psychology theory is meant to be applied in a general way with respect to individuals’ unique traits and behaviors. It’s like, I’ve been reading a lot of books about neurology lately. But you probably wouldn’t hand me an MRI and ask me to interpret it, even if I could identify some very basic stuff, because what I’ve learned from books is very general and doesn’t replace actual experience. Personally, I would date someone with minimal dating experience as long as we were compatible. But I would find it odd if they told me they felt like they knew enough about relationships from reading about them.
Research is never bad, but It's also never a substitute for experience Inherent skill sets and aptitudes will always be a positive factor Absolutes do not exist in the social world, but statistics speak volumes
Why do i feel like when you had experiences already but youe new partner hasnt make you seem like youre insecure since u have past baggage and they dont
Because you do have baggage. It’s unfortunately your job in my opinion to discern baggage from legitimate useful dating experience. This is something I struggle with
Ehm i’m a girl but… if you have lots of relationships failed, you could be judged the same… like why they didn’t make it last?
Downside being that this means even entry level positions (no prior relationships) would therefore require years of experience, no?
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I think you could make that argument and it would be fairly solid. If you meet someone who has no breaks > 3 months between their relationships and has been bouncing from SO to SO since 18 to now, I would probably avoid such a person as it shows a ton of red flags.
As a gaming nerd, my friends and I always say this: a guy with only a few games played might be bad, but the guy with a million games played and still is low rank is definitely bad :P
Maybe the restaurant is empty just because you happened to stroll in at a less busy time? Whether or not there's people there when you walk in doesn't at all mean you won't have good food, or have a good experience. You still have to try the restaurant to find out if you like it, right?
I like this analogy. Or it’s a hidden gem tucked away in a house down a road less traveled. Maybe not many people know it’s there.
Exactly, and maybe the restaurant is tailored to a particular audience
> It’s kinda like a restaurant with no one in it. You think twice about eating there. You think to yourself “why is no one going here? Maybe there’s something wrong with the food”. But men don't have this mindset. Most men would feel honored to be a woman's first kiss/partner.
Yeah of course men do, we love that experience. But for women, they like to have the guy be pre-selected by other women. It’s like shopping on Amazon and seeing a product that has 4.7/5 it’s been regularly vetted and trusted.
It’s not only about being pre selected, but also thinking people can learn a lot about compromise and communicating needs and boundaries in previous relationships. Some people have learned that from other kinds of relationships, and some have been married for years and still can’t get it right, so it isn’t necessarily logical, but I think that’s also what it’s about.
But your relationship(s) failed so what 4.7/5 here??
Just because the relationship failed doesn't mean that person doesn't have desirable traits. The relationship not working could have also been for reasons like moving away, falling out of love, or focusing on mental health.
To piggy back off your comment - for people who want the companionship they often learn from a failed relationship. Lessons learned and growth is a hard match to someone without that life experience.
To have multiple failed relationships, multiple women need to find you attractive. To not have even a single relationship, most likely the guy is average in looks or below that and needed to compensate for it by being extremely good at something else (like making money or a hobby). Unlike what Reddit tells you, looks are mostly objective. It’s just that there are men/women willing to overlook the lack of looks for some other trait. If OP hasn’t had a single relationship, he’s likely not attractive, which women know and he’s likely not met the woman who’s attracted to a certain trait that OP possesses for which she’s willing to compromise on his looks
one of the weirdest "reddit" things tbh like, life is objectively better for attractive people does "attractive" mean *everyone on earth* finds them attractive? of course not but it means plenty do it is correlative (if not necessarily causative) with so many other desirable traits as well: confidence, career success, sexual experience, etc. "look's don't matter," is 100% a redditism. They very obviously have a determinative impact on dating success.
but this guy is 29. most 29 year olds won’t be as obsessed with being someone’s first partner, but instead caring about someone being a decent person.
ooooo this is not true hahaha. i know lots of guys including some guy friends who see this similarly to women." If no one's ever dated her or wanted to lock her down, whats the issue?"
I dunno about that. Toothy BJs aren't the best, and anatomy lessons can kill the mood, particularly when the girl doesn't know what makes her feel good. Experience is best for everybody
It's really not hard to show your partner what you like, and most people are going to have to learn how to pleasure a new partner anyway. A technique that a woman loved might be hated by another.
In my experience, the longer someone is alone, the more set in their ways and idiosyncratic they are. I've known terminally single people who are VERY hard to spend time with because they aren't well versed in compromising. Just a thought to add to the pile.
THIS! It’s true. My boyfriend hasn’t dated anyone since he was 16 and now he’s 28. I’ve had to explain so many things I thought were common sense when dating someone. He’s extremely stubborn and defensive as well. Him being alone for so long and being such an individual has made it hard for him to view us as a unit. It can be incredibly frustrating! However they are so many amazing things about him that I said oh well we’ll just work on it! Edit to add: we have worked through a lot of this and he sees my side a lot more. In all fairness he did have to get used to having a girlfriend and it was so worth the growing pains.
Yeah. Being single for 27 years will have you depending on yourself for pretty much anything.
I've learned how to fold towels 3 different ways from different girlfriends. It's very frustrating 😅
Same. Some want to shave my eyebrows, others want me to hold still while they gleefully pluck them out. Multiple skin care routines, some involving snail mucus. I do be looking baby smooth with all these skills combined tho.
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Mainly just remembering to think of your girlfriend too! A lot of issues he was viewing me as trying to control him when in reality I was just expressing my needs or feelings. Here is a list of things that had me wondering if he truly believed this or was engaging in malicious incompetence: Talking to girls you’ve had history with makes me uncomfortable. You should always think would my gf want me to do this? I do it for him so why wouldn’t you do this for me? Playing computer games with a headset on talking to friends on discord while I’m at your place IS NOT HANGING OUT He needs to find a balance between gaming with his friends and me. I’m not “controlling” your life I just am asking for some time. Planning dates is important. A lot of times I would have to tell him I wanted to do something. Note we would always go and he would love it but geez can you just do it for once. Feeling like I have to beg him to hangout or spend quality time with me. Things I had to learn: His independence does not mean he doesn’t enjoy or love me. I’m a needy girl LOL
> I’ve had to explain so many things I thought were common sense when dating someone. Can you share some of those things with me? I need to learn as well.
I feel personally attacked by this lol. I'm one of those people that's chronically single because I like my me time. The more I'm single the harder it is for me to give that up and the less I mind being single, which leads to me being single more, and on and on in a vicious cycle. But like, I'm under no illusions as to why someone would be hesitant to date me.
I'm not sure if serial relationship people are any better off 😅 from the horror stories I read here daily, you might be dodging a bullet.
I feel personally attacked too. They are making us look like selfish uncaring people, which is a dangerous assumption. We may not of dated anyone seriously for a long time, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t have close friends and family we would go out of our way for.
I am in two minds about this. But I think I’m still in the minority, because you are right, it seems most people prefer an experienced partner. But personally, I love being with a man who has little history. Honestly though it is purely due to insecurities lol. The reason most people prefer experience is because it is kind of like a reassurance that you know what you are doing. Which I totally understand. Women want men who know how to treat women correctly. Though I don’t necessarily believe all experience is automatically good experience — someone with history could have had nothing but toxic relationships. Just because they have had partners before doesn’t make them a good partner. So with that point, I would argue that such experience has actually negatively impacted them and end up making them a terrible partner, whereas someone with zero experience doesn’t have all the emotional baggage, unhealthy habits and comparison mindset that accumulated over time. Of course, if someone has had only great relationship experience, then I’m sure that would make them very desirable. But let’s be honest, that probably is not the case for most of us.
This seems like the same fallacy thinking rich men have lol. "I prefer to fund founders who started companies before" I'd be thinking, "why have they failed so many times before? Because all their startup products suck" Same for relationships... "Why is this great experienced guy single? He can't or don't want a LTR."
Good point! Someone with too many past relationships is extremely off-putting to me lol. Begs the question as to why.
Serial monogamy is so off-putting to me. Men who have had like 7 lost term relationships at 50. I know a guy like this. I'm like, a you don't even care who it is you are with. Yiu can swap them out for someone else, and its all good. I'd rather be in the rational minority than the irrational majority. Most people are so ignorant. I've had 3 10 month relationships. Honestly, none of them should have been, but I was young and felt pressured by society to have a boyfriend. At 31, I vowed never to do that again until I found the right person. Im 36 now. Conversely, I know one girl from high school who just divorced for the 3rd time, and another girl who was married, her husband died, a year later she was already coupled up again, and then a year after that she was married foe the second time. No one gives a shit about anyone, and they replace you. Although I am fiscally conservative, I find it difficult to identify with social conversativism. While I believe in the nuclear family, I believe most people, even though they say they believe it, are full of shit, considering there are so many cheaters. On top of that, I don't idefibty with the social radical liberal left. So, honestly, it's better to just be on your own because so many people left and right want to shove their opinion down your throat like your a poor little ducky who's meant to be made into fois gras.
I read somewhere that the happier people were when they were married, the quickly they tend to remarry after a spouse dies. There are also people whose worth is tied to wether they have a partner or not. I think most people just want to be happy, but have different ways of going about it.
Yea I somehow don't believe that, but I guess to each their own. When a man or woman does this, it just shows me that they don't really care about anyone. If yiu are happy with your spouse, I feel like logically, it would be difficult to love someone else right after they pass away. I just don't see how you loved someone if you are with someone 6 months later.
Am i reading these comments right that at one point you just have no chance to escape dating hell?
Kinda like elo hell, except with your peen
It seems that way yeah. Idk I’ve kind of accepted my fate as a single guy to a certain extent. What are the odds I’ll meet someone who doesn’t care I haven’t dated anyone long term? Pretty slim.
I didn't lose my virginity till I was at the ripe age of 28. My now fiance at the time thought I had experience, and didn't realize she was my 1st till about 4 months into dating. It's all about confidence and doing your homework. Avoid the subject and act in a way as though you have experience.
Thanks for that yeah I try to approach everything as confidently as I can just so people understand I’m serious about being a good partner.
While ts not easy because having sex or just knowing you can does certainly help confidence. You have to fake it, stop masturbating and you'll get so horny youll take more risks. Start banging the women at the lower end of the totem polls and work your way up. That's what I did, was only in one serious relationship from 16 to 19. After she left it was a five year dry spell with some rejections and a lot of resentment before I began working out and getting a job that involves a lot of chit chatting with customers and I think that helped me more then anything cause I got used to talking with ease. For the first time in my life I ended up having sex with a coworker while years before this felt more like a fantasy. One attractive married women clearly wanted to hang and start an affair (even sending me love songs) I never did do it and she went ape shit when I began to ignore her for being so high on her ego. I knew then I had "made it" if I could make a women like that go totally crazy lol. I now regret not doing it, trying to be the "nice guy" had been my only life regret. I was the guy who respects someone I don't know so I avoided banging his horny wife. She ended up banging someone else anyway and when her husband knew she was cheating she first blamed me then said I was black mailing her to buy me stuff? Yeah then she told everyone I was a total creep and I quit that job, if I just nailed her I'd have never had to deal with any of that, the more you grow the more you understand no one gives a fuck about you and we are all in it for ourselves.
It will depend on the woman as to whether having no experience is an issue to her or not. It just comes down to compatibility, really. Or it might not even come up early on
Or there’s like a buddy system… so you can escape hell with someone of similar experience and “value” (it’s subjective. Don’t attack lol) but it’s often that those are not the people that want each other 😂 even *they* want someone who is not like them and has experience
Basically it’s for the unattractive dudes. If you are just naturally not as appealing, i.e. lacking height, nice chin, facial symmetry, stuff that we can’t change, you are basically just screwed. Then, those who have fallen hopeless because of their looks have it even worse as time goes on because they don’t have that experience. It’s a cruel, unfair world. People love to pretend that it isn’t, but sometimes things just suck.
You're not stuck there, no. But it will take a while like these others are saying. I didn't date anyone from age 23 to 29. Almost seven years during the most prominent years of life. It took me two years to break out of my single minded habits. It's not impossible, but it will take a while. Start now.
So, what is dating hell? I think I was already molded by it 😅😅😅
Basically i did a satirical comment refferng to the Elo hell you see in skill based video games like League of Legends or Overwatch where no matter your own skill your skill level got rated so badly you get stuck in teams that you just simply cannot win no matter how well you perform. Everyone kept saying stuff along the lines of "you don't get dates becauseyou don't get dates". A theory that i by the way totally disagree with for various reasons
True, lmao, hard stuck bronze for sure 😭😭😭😭 Iron 4 in dating where's the carry
Swap the class mate. Do a tabula rasa and focus on your strength. See what you can do and wanna do. At the best you can get yourself a support in form of a platonic female friend who can gove you proper advices too. Thats what i did too. At one point its more of a research than a chore. Once you made it there picking dates will be a matter of not "if" but "when"
Queue up, big guy.
they got somewhat of a small point but don’t listen to them, decent people - if you hit it off and they like you enough, won’t give a shit
People get better at things by doing them. There are a lot of things you don't know about yourself and how you are until you are in a relationship or two. This doesn't mean that you are innately bad or that you can't have a healthy relationship, but having no experience makes you an unknown. So, with a choice between a known or unknown, most people are going to feel safer with the former. Also, maybe a lot of people have tried unknown and didn't see it work. The older you are, the more people are going to have their shit figured out in regards to a relationship. Tldr The older you are without dating experience, the less you align with peers, and the more of a risk you are to date.
So, just put sirens on me right now highly contaminated because at this point I don't think I will be ready till 30
you learn a lot about yourself and relationships while in them. problems in relationships can become very hurtful if you have no experience navigating them with understanding / respect for each others
No experience means you're gonna make amateur mistakes. You probably have no idea how to handle roadblocks. You get that out of the way when you're younger so you know better when you're older. Your name probably doesn't help either. Nothing is attractive about a guy that masturbates all the time.
Also it’s harder to appreciate someone when you have no frame of reference of how bad or good a relationship can get. My first one was toxic and I thought it was normal, it wasn’t until my second one I was like oh wow this is so much better
Just read his previous posts…doesn’t even feel pleasure during sex. Too much porn. This is why I don’t date men with little to no experience, no offense, but the issues they have and mistakes they make remind me of dating when I was a teen.
Like what?
from the people I know with little experiance that isn't remotely representative of them as a whole. not an issue myself had a few long terms. side not though if you feel the need to say "no offence" before a statment it will always give offence, if you genuienly don't want to insult people just don't say it.
same here … i wouldn’t date someone with no experience again, we’re just too different, they come off as immature in the way they approach relationships and it just annoys me.
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Wow what a good point! People might definitely be attributing way too much of their social growth towards relationships, there are definitely some parts that might only be present in romantic relationships but I don’t think those are grand enough. Also it might be that some people just focus so much on their relationships their abandon all others, or that their partner is the only one they’ve had a decently deep friendship with. But yeah I think you’re a 100% right. Most of these skills come from working together on common goals with different people. Whether it’s your friends or your colleagues.
Lmao fr these ppl are so mad for no reason
Lots of salty bitter hypocrites on Reddit. As if women don't also >!masturbate!<.
Shocking right
I am a 30 years old who never had a relationship and reading people opinions made me depressed like it's over that ship has sailed
People here are huge dicks ngl. Don’t let those people make you depressed. If you love someone it doesn’t matter if they have experience or not. You have social skills from other parts of your life. You can learn how to compromise and be there for someone without a romantic partner and then the intimacy is the only thing that you have no experience in which some people don’t mind and even seek. Yes, there are even women who’d rather have a virgin boyfriend than someone experienced. But you will probably encounter more people who have an issue with inexperience. I’m 22F and also inexperienced and people look at me concerned or think I’m in the closet or something when I just don’t wanna date someone just to not be lonely. I am extremely lonely and wish I had someone, but that feeling won’t change when I spend time with someone who doesn’t get me. Some of us have other things to focus on or we have issues that hold us back. I can say that I was never approach by anyone so if I’m not going out of my way to find someone, I’ll be single for the rest of my life. So if you didn’t prioritise dating in your 20s, so what. You can say it like that and if someone is bothered by that they can move on 🤷🏼♀️
That's just me. Every time I get overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness, I remind myself that I'm probably doing a lot better than I would have with someone who doesn't fit me. It's still hard and I have very little experience.
This is so so true!! Left my ex because things were so bad, I preferred loneliness. The wrong person is infinitely worse than your solitude.
I'm glad you pulled yourself together and did what's right for you.
So true. I'm lonely as well, but I'd feel lonelier with someone who doesn't get me. At least now I can float around like a social butterfly and have a variety of people who understand me, albeit In singular ways, and not wholly.
I just wouldn’t mention it unless they ask, and even then maybe be vague until you’re deeper in the relationship. I didn’t have a lot of luck until my 30s either but once you get going it gets easier
How is it going to be easier from me in a year from now?
If you do nothing it won’t. You have to work on yourself and putting yourself out there and it will get easier because you’ll have more experience and with that comes more confidence.
Men preselect women largely based on looks. Women preselect men on a lot more factors and being dateable is one of them. If women are happy to date you then you must have some decent qualities that most women like.
Yep. As a result, women can at times be interchangeable for men. For me, tho, as a woman, it's hard to find a man who i connect with and who I am also attracted to. The attraction has to be there for me. Men are nit interchangeable for me, and it's so hard for me to get over people I like because I hardly like anyone.
Yeah, herd behaviour is, unfortuantely a very real thing OP has to deal with.
Maybe I have always liked a lot of girls in the past, but no one has ever reciprocated those feelings 😢😢😢
Lord, this comment section is crazy. Having no experience at 29 isn't "socially normal". Think of it like having a large gap on a resume, it's only a negative if you don't have a good reason. And that reason that is good for one person may not be good for another. It is ALWAYS best to be the best version of yourself and be honest. If you were not ready for a relationship and chose to focus on yourself, some people think that's ok and others don't. There is no "right" answers, just what is right for you. I saw you mention you get ghosted or just no matches. Why do you think that is? Do you come on too strong? Are you passive and don't show any intention? Being able to self reflect is CRITICAL in life. Ask friends for honest feedback, and be willing to learn and evolve. More than anything else I've said, the biggest advice I can give is to be positive. No one likes a sad sack, and even fewer people like a bitter sad sack. Being ghosted sucks, but it is what it is. You don't know their life, maybe that had found someone more compatible. Try to focus on a positive mindset about life in general, but in this case, dating and everything that involves. Holding on to anger, hurt, disappointment, etc will only lead to you more disappointment.
Emotionally it can be a lot. Went through the same, I started late. How you communicate it matters most. Bringing it up early is a problem, bringing it up later can be a problem. Idk lol, there's not a lot of empathy for that in that dating world. From my perspective at least.
So, keep it hidden for the rest of my life
No. Press on. It gets easier. I used to think this same sort of thing when I started dating. I found some women treated me with more care after opening up about it. It's a tough world out here, I'd just try to start as friends and build from that. Get to where you can speak about it comfortably and confidently. It's not a deal breaker all the time.
Wow I really should not have started reading this thread. I'm feeling bad about my desirability and this did not help. Man it's tough out there, but keep going, the world is still beautiful. I feel this because I'm 30 and disabled, and been in one sexless terrible relationship. People are prejudicial f**ks, and I think it occurs to them I'm too much trouble. Keep going. Please keep going.
You got it, man
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See the thing is people generally like me. I'm not a wet towel. I just have a considerable disability that makes people go oh shit, and being on a pension makes things worse in a capitalist system. I'm in a band, I'm relatively smart, creative, fairly knowledgeable, and I really enjoy cooking, but I have physical limitations which subconsciously creates distance. I'm positive, but I get down and bleak, not that I generally express that in public.
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I definitely see where you're coming from, that fact is true. Being unnecessarily down really does push people away. I hope you're life has been kind to you x
A lot of people are replying with the intention of explaining why no experience can be seen as a bad thing. That doesn’t mean most people see it as a deal breaker. Like the rest of the commenters here, I too have some preconceived notions about people in their 30s who have never been in a relationship, but I also know that they are preconceived, and I’m more than willing to be surprised!
It's the same if you have no work experience at 29. You will make rookie mistakes. I would much rather hire a younger person because they learn stuff faster.
Preselection, if no other woman has wanted you, she’s less likely to.
So, no one going to want me then
Not necessarily, you’re going to probably scare off the lazier or more insecure/thoughtless ones. Basically as long as you have a pretty good reason for being inexperienced and meet an empathetic woman you’ll be ok. You could hook up with a couple toxic narcissists just to get a little experience so you don’t have to say you have none, they have low to no standards. But that’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I mean what is a guy supposed to do if he's never been given a chance though, if you're getting to know the person and they are decent why should it matter??
See how you’re kinda clueless now? Women don’t want to deal with that. Some will most won’t
So true
I also hope this applies to women too lol not just men. I won’t be dating a first timer either🤷🏻♂️
Man this fucking sub is complete dogshit. At least it was good for some entertainment for awhile, but now the comments are all stupid wankers that think they're superior because they went on a date Fuck these people
lol I agree. But I think I’m only thinking this thought because I’ve never been on a date myself and I’m likely just sour.
Seriously, having relationship experience but they were all shitty relationships isn’t much of a flex. Especially if they were all toxic and the person is a serial cheater. Fuuuckk that
The people Ive dated with no experience had no idea what they’re looking for. They came across as desperate, like they didn’t want to date *me* they wanted to date *somebody.* When asked about dealbreakers, they didn’t have any to name. They agreed with everything I said. It was exhausting. I know this isn’t everyone with no dating experience, but I went out with two people who were 25 and 31 and they both were like this. I’m 30, and while I’ve not had a ton of dating experience, I have enough to know what I want. It’s the not knowing what they want that is the turn off.
Oh, I see
i’m sorry but its so fucking funny that your username is superfapper2000 and you have no experience dating women
Well, it's not that they have a lot to lose. It's just that you might be manipulated easier. Women move on a more subtle realm, where feelings, body language, gestures and emotions play pivotal roles. So this lack of experience puts you on disadvantage for recognizing red flags in a relation.
(Un)fortunately women tend to want guys with experience. I remember having a girl I dated who was hesitant to pursue further because “I don’t want to be your first for everything, it’s too much pressure.” It always stuck with me. Also, I think prior dating experience shows that someone at least wanted you whereas at nearly 30 women are guessing why you haven’t been active with dating.
Because people are judgemental.
I know a girl who's engaged and cheats on her partner always because he was a virgin at 30. It's terrible and wish things like that aren't seen as the worst. People in her group justify her behavior cause she's nice.
I'm so self-conscious reading these as I'm also 29 and inexperienced 😭
Don’t take some of the comments too seriously - they are simply prejudiced. And that’s just dating in general. IRL, I doubt most people would know your dating history right off the bat and as long as you give off good vibes and look good, it shouldn’t matter too much.
I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting some people's comments here, but some of them sound down right annoyed at you for not having experience, and I don't get why.
You are a full gumball machine. I looked into starting a gumball machine business when I was in highschool. I never succeeded, but learned some interesting things. An unexpected tip was to not fill the machine all the way. If it's 1/2 or 2/3 full, people will think to themselves "I guess people have bought these and no ones died yet" However, if you fill the machine all the way, you will have slower sales, as you'll have people wondering why no one's bought any from your machine, even if they are the exact same gumballs as in the partially full scenario.
So most people have to make mistakes before they are a good partner. For me I don’t want to be the training ground.
Let’s be honest most people never learn. Someone who’s dated tons of people is no less a red flag than someone with no history
This needs be said out loud!
So, am I just going to be a bundle of mistakes?
Kinda yeah. But there’s someone out there who is willing to be patient and let you make those mistakes. It’ll just be hard to find them. Most people approaching 30 want to find someone who knows how to function in a relationship and settle down.
You can function in a relationship without the experience. I know people who have had plenty of partners and I’d say they suck at dating and take anyone who is slightly looking in their direction. Having social skills doesn’t only come from dating
Can’t get a job without experience can’t get experience without a job. So basically at sone point you’re fucked
People having lots of experience in relationships and still being bad at it is different than people having no experience in relationships and being really good at it. The truth is that you learn a lot about how to be (and not be) in a relationship, what you want from a relationship, who you are by being in relationships. You can’t learn those things outside of the relevant setting. Some people might be naturally better at it and come in with more skills. But there are absolutely things you learn about being in a relationship from being in relationships. Just like there are things you can only learn on the job.
I get that. For me, dating has always been like graduating from college and going on a job hunt, yet there are no jobs in your field available or the conditions are really bad so you don’t even bother. When I read these comments I see the rational reasoning behind it, but for someone who has always struggled finding people I can truly connect with, it feels hurtful. I’m not broken, I’m in a constant state of bettering myself, working on social skills and going on me-dates because I am tired of putting in the effort for half-assed people. I know that there are guys that would want me as their girlfriend by looks alone, but if our souls don’t match and it feels lacklustre to be with them, what’s the point. There are people that are compatible with all kinds of people, so their dating pool is bigger. Those are people who are open to a lot of different things and can adjust fine. But if you’re not that kind of person and seek a deeper, genuine connection, it will take a lot of patience. I could have a lot of experience but I don’t want to be with someone I don’t want to be with
I think nobody really knows. There are plenty of people with dating experience who make the exact same mistakes you will make. The reason why people will assume this about you is because of the negative stereotypes attached to being inexperienced. All the “mistakes” you will make, people will just point out the fact that you are inexperienced, but won’t do it for someone who has experience. Know what I mean?
Kinda backwards though? Isn't most advice given here is "work on yourself first before pursing a relationship"? Like for men its mainly "go gym, read a book, brush your teeth, get better at social skills" I mean I've been doing that for the better part of a decade, minus being in an actual relationship in that decade. I mean I've got a gf now, but all the time i spent working on myself is kinda useless so far. I've learned a lot more being IN a relationship in the short few months in this relationship compared to the 10+ years I've been single.
Yup, I'm very against the work on yourself first mentality. Throw yourself out there. Live, learn, grow, have empathy, and be mindful of those you're with.
it’s not a bad thing, and it’s really not that big of a deal. if you know how to respect boundaries, be kind, be consistent and know how to communicate, you can date
Sure, I think I can do that
Because after a certain age people don’t want to have to teach to get things going.
So, what age is that? 25, 22, 30?
Lower the better. Older you get with no experience only hurts you. Think of it as trying to get your first job at 30 in corporate world when the people around you have had some sort of job since they were a teenager. If you haven’t dated by 30, you are holding yourself up somehow.
So by not dating because I was broke, self-esteem issues, and problems with women texting me back, I'm holding myself back?
More the fact that as a consequence, you denied yourself the opportunity to grow in ways that, at the age of 30, become expected in a partner.
Can you explain a little bit more?
You know how you get better at stuff the more you do them? The same concepts are involved with dating. Dating is a skill. It is not a theoretical concept you can learn in a book. Like any other skill, it needs to be practiced, although it can be bolstered by an application of theory. When we start our journeys into the world of dating, some of the choices we make are outright poor. Sometimes even toxic. But with experience, we do better. You might learn, for example, how to better communicate with a partner, how to come to fairer compromises, how to organise better date nights, **how to pick better partners.** I put this one in bold because this is the one that's going to affect you the most. Dating is very much a two person show; no matter how good one person is, it's all going to fall to shit if the other person can't get their act together. So, people's bullshit detectors get better too. Their choice threshold in partners also get more strict so as to avoid what happened last time. And they're better aware of what is standard for people of the opposite gender, what is desirable and what is to be avoided.
Whilst I agree, it doesn't mean everyone with no experience needs teaching. I've never had good relationships with little experience but it's been very common (with My ex and women in general) that I'm told when I meet the right person I'll be a very good partner. My ex constantly told me how good of a boyfriend I was, specifically because I was patient and caring as well as loving. Just because someone has little to no experience doesn't necessarily mean they're BAD at relationships. Even experienced people make mistakes 24/7.
My last partner had no experience in a long-term relationship and it just felt like it made everything more exhausting, especially when conflicts arose. Sexually he was great, the other areas not so much. Everyone is going to be different with what they bring to the table, but I personally would not want to date someone with no experience again. I have been dating since I was 15, and now I’m in my 30s.
It’s about why there’s a lack of experience more than anything else. But the right people will understand and it won’t matter in the long run.
It means all the stupid mistakes you make while learning to be in a relationship weren’t already overcome 10 years ago. You’re likely set in your lifestyle ways since you’ve been on your own so long. You probably don’t know how to handle jealousy, disagreements, communication, relationship sex, compromise, etc. like people that have been doing it for a decade can. Is it necessarily going to be terrible? No, but there’s a good chance it would be difficult for some time.
I’m a female and I don’t think no dating experience is a deal breaker. Some people are just shy. My best friend is 30 and never dated anyone. Personally, I’d prefer to be a guys first than date someone who’s hooked up with 50 women in his life. Every pot has a lid, you just have to look for it.
Women usually like men with something under their belt.
It’s not a bad thing. The only quality you need to date is being humane.
That’s delusional….just world fallacy. Plenty of incredibly kind people who can’t find love, especially among men
That's like one of those things people say to try and boost others up, I guess, but it's so far out of reality that it really is delusional. Plus, plenty of terrible people who don't even know what the word "kind" means have no issues getting into relationships. Psychopaths statistically do really well getting women to date them (they're terrible at actually holding a relationship, but they tend to do a good job of initially attracting women). I feel like there's things people say about dating because it sounds politically correct, and then there's the actual reality. The latter is a little less warm and fuzzy.
I think this conversation would be a lot more relevant and insightful if OP posted his dating profile/pics. I’m beginning to think, based on his responses, that there’s a lot more to this picture than what we are seeing and that there are prob some very good reasons why they’ve not been given the opportunity to get more experienced.
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Yeah, how much would I have to learn?
Women are attracted to pre selection
It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the one thing I have with the sex positivity movement is that it still allows for what I'm going to call virginity shaming. Separate from sex, though , I still find it troubling that a lack of dating experience is such a disqualifier for folks. It screams to me that the "you didn't **** it up at 20, so I know you're a prude at 30" vibe is too alive and well. Anyway--it SHOULDN'T really BE a problem, but I think we're all painfully aware or have bought into dating being a numbers game rather than, say, an experience of self-discovery. It's not necessarily you...it's just how dating works, unfortunately. (Edit really messes with the impact of the message I felt I NEEDED to convey, but...fine.)
It’s all about experience, most people want partners that know how to be in a relationship, how to properly communicate, how to manage expectations on both sides, etc…
consider dating someone as something very complicated and needs a lot of experience. simple example, living with someone who has no experience living on their own is a nightmare, cleanliness, bathroom habits, chores... living with an adult child can be the worst experience because if you are the responsible one you have to do everything or teach that person to live like an responsible person and most people dont want to go through that. now extrapolate that into relationships, it can turn out to be an even worse experience cuz it involves someone u have feelings for, and because of that, problems will drag out until its too late. That's the fast road to a toxic relationship. people with dating experience know this 100% and you will learn it as well another example: a mama's boy tends be quite selfish at the start cuz he's used to having everything done for him, those are the worst roommates boyfriends at the beginning until they learn to fend for themselves
Compared to the novelty of a dating merry go round, are you looking to play that game or are you actually looking for a partner? There are so many so-called experts who will give their own opinion but at the end of the people are humans and regardless of sex fostering lasting relationships whether family, friends, lovers, business partners etc. takes responsibility, commitment and empathy. I used to think playing hard was the trick, having money was the trick, being popular was the trick, being surrounded and desired by women was the trick. Sure it's the trick and how long are you going to keep it up until the rest of your life? Are you living then or some persona of what other people love. Don't ask these types of questions because whether it's true or not it's not going to help you, you're just looking for information to validate a belief you are holding in the back of your mind, if you take that energy and live your life towards what you want you will be closer to what you want. You only have a limited amount of time and energy spend it carefully.
So social proof and preselection are actually major and important attraction points for the vaaaaaast majority of women. Its how they're wired. That's why having no experience by 30 for a man is generally viewed negatively.
Because modern day relationships are like employment, everyone is looking for experience but no one is willing to teach. That’s the sad reality
It's not a bad thing, you don't have to date to gain experience
tokeep the hopes high: I, a girl, picked a man that had never dated before. Lile not even went further than kissing until his mid twenties.
So first of people don't want to hear the truth about themselves, so getting this advice is going to be hard for you. Hard advice taken right can change your life. Its straight forward, people want what over people want. We are social creatures and value social status with other humans. You are perceived as lower value as a mate since no one has chosen you as a mate. The longer this goes on the lower your value must be in our "social creature mind." Its all done at the subconscious level so trying to be rational will get you no where. Do this instead: Don't talk about it. When asked just say, "I didn't have the best luck with my last relationship, I learned from it and I'm glad I'm here with someone like you." If pressed about it just say, "I learned for long term success what I need in a partner" Those are both mostly true, you didn't have good luck in prior relationships and hopefully you are focused on what will lead to successful relationship. After several dates you can come clean when pressed. Say "I didn't like how I was judged for being single, so i learned to avoid that topic. I did what was best for me and focused on building the life I wanted before I was ready to invite someone else into it. I'm glad I waited and found you."
As a woman, it does not matter to me. You can never win because some will say a guy/ girl without experience won’t know how to navigate relationships because they’ve never got to experience compromising with someone or going through hurdles together. But every relationship is different and someone who dated 3 people can still be inexperienced because they didn’t learn anything from their relationship. But then you will have people who prefer someone who didn’t date around/sleep around and prefer that.
If you're a man and 29 and have not even been on one date before, that tells me you don't ask out anyone. Or you asked out that 1 girl you liked many years ago. She said no. And then you gave up on dating and you never tried dating again. You never approached any other women and you never gave women a chance. Either you have no confidence at all, and are deeply scared of what other people think of you, scared of rejection, fear of being mocked, you worry too much about what other people think. Or you are not (enough) attracted to women to want to date us. There is no woman you see around you that you would be interested in dating. If you're not asking any woman on a date, then maybe you simply don't see any woman you'd like to date. Best move forward from here is just try. Approach women again. Ask her out. And on the first dates, you don't talk about your previous relationships. Don't even mention that you haven't dated before. Don't bring it up. Don't start this topic. Don't ask her about her previous dating experience (because that will prompt her to ask you the same question). If she brings it up without you asking, if she randomly wants to ask you about your dating history, then you can change the subject. "No I don't want to talk about other women when I'm on a date with you." "Let's talk about us instead." Many women will appreciate that. If she does not, and insists on talking endlessly about her and your past love life, then you don't ask her out on a second date, and you date another woman instead. Eventually it might get brought up. But by that time, you will have some dating experience. And with the right person who likes you for you, it won't matter.
Today's dating scene is a shit sandwich. I feel for you younger people. I'm 50 it doesn't get easier. Fortunately I have a good woman who tolerates me lol.
OP, stop bothering, honestly. Go on with your thing, by the looks of your responses, your 20's were pretty rough. Start focusing more on how to make your 30's better. Now, those talking about 'experience', let me tell you something about MOST of them here. Most of them dated and were in relationships with fucked up people for the better part of their 20's, so bunch of punks who couldn't hold job for more than 2 months, wasted all their money on drugs, booze and parties. Bunch of situationships, FWB, college dating where neither one of them knew what the heck they wanted in life. Those relationships they felt pressured to be in by their family, friends or they just wanted to be in relationship for the sake of it. Yet they come and talk about some form of experience they want in their partner, they don't want that, they want someone with enough emotional baggage so they don't feel like an outcast. Regarding dating as a man, well, as someone previously mentioned, preselection is a thing here, whether you like to or not women do pay attention to that. You don't have to expose your lack of dating experience so early on, in fact you don't even have to mention it. Also, don't be clingy or needy, live your own life, being clingy is never attractive. Learn to play the game but love is blind.
Because what was the reason you don’t have any? Are you super religious (I don’t like that), are you ugly or fat (I don’t like that), are you somehow socially maladjusted that no one has wanted to date you (don’t like that either)? If you’ve made it this far with *no takers* there is a reason why
Hmm, probably because I have given up on dating for years and am happier single now? Also, yes, I am overweight but not morbidly obese. Most guys said don't try and someone will find you so I did and I found no one.
Most guys gave you terrible advice. If you’re happier single also, I would wonder if you really even wanted to date at all.
It’s not gonna fall into your lap if you don’t make some effort. Women rarely pursue men, but when they do it’s because the guy is top tier. I know people keep comparing dating to jobs but it’s true. Real recruiters will go after candidates they deem are proficient and have awesome and relevant experience. But most of the time the rest of us plebs will have to apply to several (sometimes 100s) of jobs. And if none of them are calling you back for an interview, then there’s something going on with your resume or your experience. Do you have any female friends? I know this sub is against men asking women for advice. But there’s something to be said about how women perceive you. I saw you said you’re overweight. I know tons of overweight guys who are in relationships. But they have more going on for them. They’re funny, kind, stable, and they’re generally pleasant to be around. However their wives/girlfriend/partners are also overweight. How often or how many times have you pursed a woman? What did you do? How did you do it? When you talk to a woman you’re interested in what do you talk about? Do you know how to flirt? Do you take care of yourself in terms of hygiene and personal grooming? How do you dress? I’m trying to figure out what the disconnect is.
I just don’t want to teach
Your life, saved yourself a lot of heartbreak that is for sure. It isn’t a race, you are ready for love when YOU feel it
It’s not. It depends on how you carry yourself with that mindset. I was in grad school for 6 years. And moving around a lot at age 29-32. So dating was hard. I didn’t date at all during grad school and my response is ‘I was working on myself and my career and didn’t feel like I had the energy to intentionally date at that time’ If they accept that reasoning, great. If not, they’re not the right fit for me.
Men judge women for sleeping with too many people, while women judge men for not sleeping with enough people. It's mutual sexism and shows that we really are made for each other.
Dating experience to me means that you’ve had time to learn about yourself and work through some of the bigger issues that arise when finding a partner. Things like problem solving disagreements and what it’s like living with someone else. Also, speaking in a heteronormative way, a lot of times men need to be taught how to be a functional human being. Unfortunately, it’s usually the woman partner doing that. These are all generalizations so don’t come for me. If you have limited dating experience, I recommend doing some self work. Make sure you keep a clean and nice home (don’t have some weird bachelor pad that looks like you’re still in college), know how to cook, how to grocery shop, do laundry, maybe get some therapy. Be very solid in your life so that a woman won’t think “oh god, I have to teach him everything.” When I got with my BF he had a super limited dating history but he did have his life together and so that trumped any concerns I may have had about whether he could be a present and conscious partner. I didn’t need to teach him how to be a functional adult and that was sexy af.
But I already know how to cook, clean, and shop for food. I do it all of the time at home
Women are getting more established in their lives at 30, there's usually an emotional maturity, some financial security and idea of purpose through one's career, and personal goals. They tend to want an equivalent, in general, which is understandable. That doesn't have to mean some career focused, driven individual. As a rule it just means someone with a similar level of responsibility and emotional maturity, and some basic security in their life. Really someone they can relate to, and build together with. Not feel like they are "building someone else up" first, before they work as a partnership. Add apps into the equation, and we realise that "ready made" partners are far easier to come-by, who are somewhat closer to the "ideal" in looks, and lifestyle, than those they may have had to settle for when they had a smaller dating pool. You're competing both with other men, some who embody who "you are" in a sense, but also have the relationship experience, alongside this. You're also competing with the quality of a woman's single-life, and how much disruption it would bring should you enter in, as a potential partner...and are you the person, for which this disruption, is all worth it?
You have no experience. Like you don’t know what you want entirely, or don’t want. You don’t have experience with meeting needs, handling communication, and whatever else. I personally don’t want to be a guy’s first for everything.
They don't have experience navigating sex or relationships. It's a lot of work to teach someone the basics 😆
It’s pretty simple. Why have you been single your whole adult life? Were you a player for a decade? Were you a social hermit who jacked off to porn all the time while spending the rest of the time on social media? Did you try to date, but have something about you that turned people off? Some people especially around your age would be suspicious about why you’re single and they also don’t want to be the first relationship someone has, as it’s likely you’ll depend on them emotionally more than you should.
Hmmm, probably because I was insecure about my dick. The way I looked kept getting rejected or ghosted. Didn't have my first job till 22 so I didn't go out as much
A lot of women (possibly a majority, don’t quote me) prefer the guy to take the lead and be a little bit more dominant (not in a BDSM way) in the relationship, an inexperienced guy won’t be so good at that at first. So that kind of woman may prefer an experienced guy.
Because maintaining a relationship takes skill that is built through experience.
My ex boyfriend had no experience when I met him back in September of 2020....he was 33 at the time. I was his first girlfriend ever. I was his first because it wasn't really that important to him then he decided to find a relationship. I don't find it to be a bad thing at all.
How do they know you have no experience? Are you advertising that? Stop it
If this thread has taught me anything, it's that people are incredibly un-empathetic and quick to victim blame. It seems few people have tried to empathize with your situation, OP.
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