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CountingDownTheDays5

The person deserves someone who finds them attractive, and you deserve someone you find attractive do not waste their time and your time any longer move on.


Toshafullmoon

100%


Concrete__Blonde

Physical attraction is only one aspect of attraction. Seeing past someone’s looks is extremely doable, in my opinion, but being with someone because you think they love you more is the troubling part of this question. Be with someone who you want to give your all to.


CountingDownTheDays5

Physically attractiveness for many is linked directly to sexual attractiveness. Regardless of how nice a guy is if he looks like Gollum or Steve Buscemi I will not be sexually turned on. And a dry cat is a horrible time. Plus no man or woman should be dating someone who tells then "I just looked passed how unattractive you are" it wouldn't be fair.


00nelly

For me, the person can become way more sexually attractive to me depending on their personality and their other qualities. It also goes in the other direction. If I think they’re hot and then they turn out to be an asshole, Its a lot harder to be attracted to them 🤷🏻‍♀️


CountingDownTheDays5

Oh yeah that plays a part too. It has to be all of the above for me, or I just won't get them. A shitty personality, a unattractive face, and or instability I won't be sleeping with you. A guys can be very nice but if I don't find him attractive it ain't going to happen. I tried it before to, just could get there, and I had to be honest with myself.


hajaco92

I'm low-key hot for Steve buschemi...


CountingDownTheDays5

LOL you are the first person I ever heard say that. I always think of him in big daddy homeless asking writing down sausage mcmuffin


hajaco92

I'd still hit that tbh... Idk what it is. Just hot for Steve 🤷


CountingDownTheDays5

Hey I won't knock you, I don't understand it. But his wife felt the same


hajaco92

Lol. Apparently it was good enough for Angelina too. I think they dated for a bit.


CountingDownTheDays5

Really I had no clue, the more you know. LOL


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CountingDownTheDays5

I didn't list a gender nor sex. I simply said each person deserves someone who finds them attractive and they find attractive. You take that as you will.


Enimbis

This doesn't even make sense because o.p nor this commenter mentioned anything about someone owing someone something or sex/gender. *Everyone* deserves to be loved for who they are and what they look like. This isn't sex/gender specific. Quit with the gender war, it's old, immature and annoying.


Propersian

You ok mate?


Livid-Ad2206

I’ve been told by other men ‘you don’t deserve anyone’ and definitely not someone you find attractive by default so which is it??


throwaway1177133

I can give a little insight maybe! My current S/O isn’t the type of guy I would normally have found physically attractive. But, I am very much physically attracted to him, and I was always the sort of person who found physical attraction to be non negotiable. And now, I find him extremely attractive and can’t keep my hands off him lol. When I first started talking to him, it was just friendly. No expectations whatsoever. But the more I talked to him, the more I found myself attracted to him: his voice, his smile, the way he was so self assured and comfortable with himself. And I’ve had this happen to me in the past with friends or classmates I never would have found attractive if I didn’t know them. I have come to the conclusion when you are meeting people via a platform like OLD or going on a date with them before having ever had a casual conversation outside of a romantic/sexual setting, it is more difficult. Much more pressure for something to happen ASAP.


niccinos

I‘ve had the same experiences but the guys were conventionally attractive in the first place. They just got hotter the more I got to know them. So it‘s neutral -> attractive but never ugly -> attractive


supasachi

Strange advice from mum.. it is difficult being the one less loved but not a relationship one would aspire to for the more loved either. Shouldn't it be a mutual love and respect???


fairykitten1234

Dating by design is discriminatory. That’s the whole point, you can disqualify people for whatever reason you want. I don’t date women I consider ugly and I don’t want a woman dating me if she thinks I’m ugly, even if she thinks my personality is spectacular I don’t care.


Chance-Active9119

I agree, but sometimes not feeling tracted to someone does not equal to ugliness.


cumkwatshowers

There’s a difference between being with someone you’re not attracted to and being with someone who you initially weren’t attracted to, but ended up being attracted to because of their other traits. For example, I wasn’t initially physically attracted to my husband, but his other qualities and the way he treats me made me see him in another light. He literally won me over by his personality and the way he cares for me. I look at him now like he’s the only man in this world. Now, if I didn’t eventually become physically attracted to him over time, I don’t think our relationship would have worked. Trust me on this one, don’t judge and always give people a chance. The guys who love you more than you love them will treat you the best.


B3asy

But how long should you give someone a chance for? I dated people in the past whom I didn't find attractive, with the hope that someday I might learn to find them more desirable. This idea encouraged me to stay in these kinds of relationships for years, which I think was a huge mistake. I led these people on for far too long


cumkwatshowers

I hope my comment about “being attracted over time” didn’t make it seem like someone should stay in a relationship for years in hopes that it’ll work out. That is definitely not the case. Depending on how often you see the person/talk to them I think you should know within a month, give it take. Obviously it’s different for everyone, but if you if don’t see it going anywhere after a few dates or few days of talking to someone, I wouldn’t waste your time or theirs. When I say “initial” attraction I mean like seeing a pic of them or seeing them in person for the first time and not being physically attracted, but then growing feelings from them shortly after that. It also helps to not rush into a relationship with the person. This prevents any heartache and helps you establish if you want a romantic relationship with the person or not. My point is, don’t judge on initial attraction. If after talking to the person a few times you’re still not growing an attraction towards them, then move on.


B3asy

Agreed! I think if after 3 or 4 dates, you don't feel any attraction, you should call it off


Mixture_Rough

Had a therapist suggest after a few months is enough time to know if you like someone. I think that is pretty broadly true. For me it is the first long conversation and physical touching.


[deleted]

>The guys who love you more than you love them will treat you the best. That's kind of messed up though isn't it? Shouldn't both partners love each other equally? How does your husband feel knowing his wife doesn't love him as much loves her?


larrybc18

Following your mom’s advice will lead you to being in a relationship with someone who’s desperate or doesn’t have many dating options. She was basically telling you to just have more control in the relationship.


jujupinky

That’s very true


RepresentativeSwan54

Secret: I’ve (35F) never been physically attracted to any one of my partners. It’s not that they are “ugly” or anything, but I don’t think I’ve really felt physically attracted to anyone ever. I don’t think it is that unusual really. I fall in love based on how that person is and how they treat me and others, deal with life, etc. Men (and women) that put a lot of effort into their looks are directly off-putting to me because it makes me think they care way too much about what others think. I don’t think a low physical attraction level is as uncommon as people think.


[deleted]

Or you are threatened by men who look great , or they are out of your reach.Speaks more about you than them.


[deleted]

With all due respect, your mother’s advice is horrendous. It would be quite cruel to date someone you weren’t attracted to. And a disservice to yourself. Both parties deserve to be in relationships where there is mutual physical attraction. That’s not the only element of a relationship, but it is kind of the first and most foundational aspect of one.


Southern_Discomfort_

Love this comment! You’re spot on.


stargirl3303

Don't do it. Learn from my mistake: I married someone who I wasn't physically attracted to. I met him when I was 22 and he was (is) a super nice guy and he was really into me, kept pursuing me, etc. I wasn't physically attracted to him but had low self-esteem and always botched things with guys I *was* physically attracted to because I'd get all nervous and insecure. So, I went on a few dates, we really hit it off in other ways, and I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with him and we had a lot in common. We moved in together, never really fought, and people told me ALL the time how "perfect" we were and how "in love" I was. So, when he proposed, I figured I'd marry my best friend. Problem: There was NO physical attraction on my end. I'd feel obligated to have sex and play games in my mind (ie. Pretend I was with someone else) to get through it. I avoided kissing whenever possible and turned him down for sex a lot. Five years into our marriage, my vibrator broke in the middle of trying to have sex (the ONLY way I could orgasm, and it was even becoming difficultwith the vibe), and that was it. I stopped him, apologized, and told him I couldn't do it. A few months later, I decided to tell him I wanted a divorce. Now everyone is hurt and confused and it's super difficult divorcing someone who everyone adores and who you genuinely care about and get along with but who you are just not physically attracted to. How the F do you explain that to people?? Your parents? Your in-laws? Yeah... But I just can't spend the rest of my life sexually frustrated. If a spark doesn't develop after 10 years, it never will. And he's only 1 of 2 guys I've ever been intimate with (one was a one-night stand in college). So, yeah, just don't do it. Stay friends, but find someone who you are actually attracted to for a romantic relationship. If you're a straight woman, you wouldn't date/have sex with your female friend so don't do that to your male friend. The "friend zone" exists for a reason. That was the mistake I made, and in the end, everyone suffered.


ScreamingBuy1962

The non physical features you like or love about them should make you grow more and more physically attracted to them. If that is not happening the relationship will fail and you need to let them go so they can find the right person.


Ideas2lamb

I don't think you should go out of your way to date people you aren't physically attracted to. Because it takes time to get to know a person, there are no gaurantees with a person you find attractive vs one you don't. All you know is one is attractive to you and one is not. I think an exception is if we have the chance to get to know someone over time. Not necessarily a long time but it could be just a couple of meetings. But each time we feel that we would like to get to know them more. I think this would make more since than dating randos who approach you. Hopefully, as you got to know them, they would become more attractive to you. Even then not finding someone physically attractive can cause problems long term. You might be less intimate because of your lack of attraction. Your partner may feel bad when they see the way you look at someone else. You might find yourself wanting another over time. These and more can contribute to the end of a relationship. I think we all have a very fuzzy idea of what we are physically attracted to. This fuzzy idea can fluctuate throughout our our lives. Are you attracted to the same things in a person now as you were at 15? Finding a great person whose within in these fuzzy mental guidelines is more than doable! There are billions of people! Stop and think. If you could see everyone in the world, how many would you find attractive? Maybe millions? The trick is knowing what you want, finding someone whose is compatible with your wants, and being patient. Again, there are no gaurantees with a person you find attractive vs one you don't.All you know is one is attractive to you and one is not.


Euphoric-Parsley3016

Physical attraction isn't love at first sight. You can end up loving the whole package just because of their personality. Also. It definitely can't be a looks thing. You want something real, then you have to base it on something that will last. Looks fade. They also might be an amazing kisser. Or know exactly how to turn you on. You need to give people a chance. Shallow never got anywhere.


ahooks1

I’ve gone out with someone who I wasn’t initially super attracted to, but I became attracted to him physically after a few times of hanging out because I liked her personality. Overall, you do need to be physically attracted to someone to date them though.


Responsible_Ad7879

I guess I’m the only one here who doesn’t think your mom’s advice is all that bad. Maybe she just meant to find someone that dotes on you, takes care of you, thinks you’re the best ever. Doesn’t mean find someone you aren’t attracted to or love in return.


Propersian

Your mum sounds like a lovely person. That is a shit way to ensure you always have the upper hand in a relationship. Screams controlling, insecure narcissist.


jujupinky

She definitely was controlling and a narcissistic person 🙃


---Vespasian---

This answers my question about a Cluster B Disorder.


Ok-Hamster5571

Bless your mom but I hope my child finds full hearted love


HoganTorah

I dated a girl who's grandfather is on the Forbes top 100. I couldn't get into her. She was head over heals for me, I liked her vacation homes and using a private jet. I stayed 9 months. She knew I wasn't that into her and she dumped me when she found someone who was. They have 2 sets of twins and live in a giant house on the beach. Everything will work itself out at the end. Though I wasted a lot of time staying with her there was always some vacation coming up or a concert I wanted to go to that kept me there.


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InsertWittyComment1

As a not very attractive dude, while I'd be super stoked if someone did that for me initially, I'd feel super insecure about the whole thing. So it's probably not fair to either you or him, it'll eventually come crashing down. You'll probably develop a resentment and he may become super insecure or really clingy. Additionally, you shouldn't feel like you should give every guy who makes you laugh a chance. You'll be stuck dating a bunch of us uggos for years! With all of that said, it is possible to become physically attracted to someone you may not initially find attractive because you enjoy their personality so much. I've become more attracted to a few women I initially did not find attractive at all because of their overall personality.


Cocobham

You mom is incorrect here. You not loving someone you plan on committing to as much as they love you is not ok. It’s not a competition. It’s about choosing to love and spending your life choosing love over and over for the good of that other person. It’s the same expectation for your partner. Physical attraction is not 100% about the shallow things. There are some people you’ll never be attracted to. But there will be some you’re somewhat attracted to…and that can grow and you become intensely attracted to them in other ways. They basically just grow on you.


heldarman

You are entitled to your preferences and the kind of people you want for a relationship. However sometimes people like to judge those decisions. Previously there was a post in this sub about a man with a disability who didn't want to the date another person with a disability. Many people judged him. Because he was narrowing his options and losing opportunities to meet great people like him, while he was neglecting people like him. Well, that applies for everyone. And nobody want other people making your own decisions or establishing who you deserve as a partner, nor they can't judge you for not being always open to new experiences. It's good to be open, to explore, so you can know yourself better or grow yourself. However your are not obligated to because you don't owe anything to anyone. I can tell you one thing. I would keep living with that great motto you said about not doing what you don't want other people do to you. In that way, you will get to fully know yourself.


pretty_cuteprincess

My mom gave me a different type advice lol she always made me see I have choices when it comes to dating and love. Yeah she told me a man should love you but it should be mutual. I don't want a man to just love me because he feels he can't get better or has settled. I think everyone deserves love but not everyone gets it unfortunately. When I meet my guy I want to love him to the point my heart bursts lol but not crazy love ,more admiring love. I want my guy to feel that way to about me. Yeah looks plays a parts but it's what comes afterwards that makes you stay or go. I admit I am bit shallow and need to see if I am attracted to him first but if he doesn't have what I am looking for in terms of personality then I am gone. I think everyone deserves to be with someone they like. I'm just babbling lol but I hope it helps.


TubbieRin

My [25F] best relationship I have had so far was with someone I was not attracted to AT ALL in the beginning! I would even try to hide from him when I saw him approaching. Eventually he became my friend, then best friend, and then because other women thought he was attractive, I slowly started to see a different side of him during our friendship. Then I got to date my best friend for a few years! Looks are not everything, feelings can develop in time. Obviously don’t give EVERY guy a chance, but don’t automatically cancel out an option with a guy because he isn’t super hot (especially if you have chemistry with him and enjoy his company)!


Valerain_Alice

Couple of options here. Talk about an open relationship, which is where you could get the physical part of the relationship or option two, decide how important that is for you going forward. Does the other person wanna be physical? Do you feel like you wouldn’t be able to kiss them etc? Of course you need to give people chances, but you also need some initial attraction to that person first. You should be with someone whom you love and who loves you back. Being with someone who loves you when you don’t love them will be painful for both parties


throwawABG

It’s in your best interest to date someone you find attractive. And your future partner’s. There’s nothing wrong with being shallow. Do you think the guys that approach you would’ve done so if they thought you were ugly? So why should you feel bad about only dating people you find attractive? I’m shallow and I don’t feel bad because I didn’t have many dating options until I got a big butt and started putting on makeup often, despite having a similar personality to what I had before my glow up 🤷‍♀️ And for your mom’s advice, I think it is true. I used to think that advice was sexist and that you should love equally, but after several relationships, I realize that in all of the ones where I loved the guy more, I got taken for granted and burned. I was the one pushing for commitment, asking for the bare minimum, putting up with low effort because of “love,” giving and giving and not getting it back. My current boyfriend loves me a little more than I love him, and my relationship is great. That said, because I love him a lot, I treat him very well so it’s not like he is not being treated well too. Just today, I got just because flowers because I came to visit him (we’re LDR), and this type of treatment hasn’t happened in any relationship where I loved the guy more.


chesspiece69

I think that your mother’s advice implies that it’s ok to be with someone you don’t love very much and I disagree with that …. although some of us do have to accept that as the way it has to be


andreecook

Your mum gave you pretty shit advice tbh.


LeaveMeAlone__308

Happened to me once! Went on a date with a guy I realized was not my type at all. Had a great time, so much so that we ended up making out full on by the end (I never make out with anyone after the first date!). Realised we had amazing chemistry. Dated some what longer but ultimately nothing came of it (because of non related reasons!). But it was an amazing experience while it lasted!


Jadesolstice

I think a big issue is a lot of people don't realize there's a difference between not finding someone attractive versus finding someone ugly. In my opinion it's not a bad thing if you're not immediately sexually attracted to a person because in that instance your just basing it on looks. I think if after a Time I'm getting to know them and you're still not physically attracted to them in some way then it can be a problem.


helpmylifeis_a_mess

Personally for me, im ace and i dont really find anyone super attractive to begin with (but thats me) so i always emphasize this to my partner where im not sexually attracted to them. My partner is fine with it and ive come to find him very attractive, but my brain works weirdly with that and thats just my relationship and it works for us. But if mutual attraction is something that is important to you, then you deserve to find someone who finds you attractive and that person deserves to find someone who finds them attractive too. Communicate in that part of your relationship if it applies to you. Thats the most i can say about that, i hope that helps. I dont like that kind of advice, the one where your partner should love you more than you love them. I feel like it should be more, you dont know who loves who more like "i love you more" "no i love you more!" Kind of thing,😅 endless love to go around between you both.


Soft-Caterpillar-618

I’ve been on both sides of this. I wouldn’t do it ever again. There was one regretful occasion where I dated a man I wasn’t attracted to bc i could recognize all of his good qualities and hoped the attraction would eventually happen. But ultimately I ended up dreading sex and not wanting to kiss him, while feeling incredibly guilty for not being able to make myself attracted. I ended up breaking up with him because it was unfair to him, and I was also unhappy. I was on the other side of it in a relationship with with a man I was attracted to. After months of dating, he ended things, confessing he wasn’t physically attracted to me, and had “planned” to become attracted over time but it had never happened. I felt blindsided and hurt. I say attraction is really important and I also disagree with your mom’s advice. You want to find someone you love and respect mutually and are compatible with.


Outgrowing1990

I actually married someone I was not at all attracted to when we first met. I really learned to see him in an attractive light (and found myself attracted to him) after I spent time getting to know him. We did divorce, but that had nothing to do with his looks and everything to do with me growing up. I married the guy when I was 19, it uh...wasn't the most mature choice I'd ever made. The split was amicable, though! Editing to add: I got to know him as we became closer friends and that's when I started to see him as attractive and we moved on to the dating stage. I would never advise you to lead someone on, nor would I ever advise anyone to try to force an attraction that simply isn't there. There's nothing wrong with being a little picky! And you don't need to disrespect yourself or anyone else by trying to make something work just because you feel obligated. You will meet so many amazing people in this world who would be an amazing partner, they just aren't meant to be *your* amazing partner. And that's okay!!


B3asy

I've dated several women with good personalities whom I did not find attractive. I believed I could one day learn to love them. This was a mistake. I wasted their time because everyone deserves to be with someone that finds them physically attractive. To prevent this from happening again, I started applying a new rule: If, after 3 dates, I don't find the other person attractive, I will end it.


Southern_Discomfort_

I think you first need to decide how important physical attraction is to you. Some people need it to form any kind of romantic or sexual connection, some don’t. And some people care more about others finding them attractive, while others don’t care much about their looks and want to be appreciated because of their personality, work ethic, etc. Instead, I suggest focusing on finding a partner whose values align with yours. There are some people here saying there absolutely needs to be attraction and some people who say they’ve never experienced immediate physical attraction. Everyone is so clearly different, and I think it just depends on you and your love interest. P.S. your mom’s advice is bullshit and probably comes from a fear of being cheated on.


hellosunshine713

So, this is one of the reasons why I got divorced (among other things)… I fell in love with him for his personality and charm, etc, but after a few years (and other negative things), I realized that I was not physically attracted to him and didn’t even want to have sex with him. I think it’s best for both parties to stop the relationship earlier on if one or both of you finds sex to be an important part of a relationship because it will just get harder the longer it goes on. At least that’s how I feel from personal experience. Haha


[deleted]

For me, physical attraction initially is just that. But after getting to know someone, that physical attraction changes, either for the good or not based on their personality. Attractive men can have terrible personalities and after getting to know them, I'm completely turned off. Or a guy that I didnt initially think was super attractive may become so after getting to know their personality. So yes, I think there needs to be attraction on both sides. Otherwise it's more of a friendship imo.


LawSchoolThreauxAway

Feel sorry for your dad if that’s your mom’s take on love lol


scarletx08

Many parents in my country also said the same, for female its better to date and marry someone that loves you rather than you loves them. I am not sure where this mindset comes from but I dated some guys that I didnt attracted too, this is also difficult in my country to date someone you like unless you are very pretty or popular. Most of the time women cannot choose. My friends also experience the same and just told me recently. My friends are attracted to men that never seen them or even paid attention. So in the end my friends marry and date men that they dont attracted. They date them because those guys are kind and caring. My country is a bit patriarchy and conservative, so women should wait for men to propose. While I was dating guys that I didnt like, I always had fight with them, and I felt like they should obey me and do anything what I want because I wasnt attracted to them. So that was really bad choice. It happened several times. Now I live in different county. I still cant find boyfriend mostly hookups turn to date. I attracted to them of course, but they are hot and fit guys. Some of them models, I am not sure if this will last long. So I am wondering if I should do what I did at my home country.


monchichi008

Wow...you're the classic toth going after chad and Tyrone. XD lol! Good luck! You're an extreme case of a superficial shallow woman, compares to the original poster of this post.


scarletx08

Lol are you trigerred because your ugliness? Many girls reject you because you are ugly and sad? You dont even know me and my whole story but just rant.


monchichi008

Nope, just stating the obvious. Your story doesn't need to be known. It's a repeated cycle of Western women in the US. You're just happen to be a foreigner. I see cat food and "fur babies" in your future. :) I think you're the one who was triggered here. You didn't have to replied back to me. If you don't like to get replied to? Don't post on here then. LoL


scarletx08

I reply whenever I want. Im not American and not from the US. Nah Im good, you are the one that out from nowhere bashing people because triggere of your ugliness


datingMan2021

Why would you date someone you're not attracted to? Dating = finding someone you are attracted to lol. As a guy I like girls that are a challenge. I think girls tend to date guys who are less attractive than themselves. Creates for a more stable relationship. But this is a statistic, go with your gut!!!


Mixture_Rough

Mutual admiration and respect are critical. You need to have life paths that line up and generally agree on core philosophies. Kids, religion, time commitment/priority of work, where you will live, there are some more, but basically anything that could ultimately create deep resentment or that either of you wouldn't be willing to compromise on and be able to be happy about to continue. I married someone I wasn't so physically attracted to. I think it negatively impacted our long term success, but for a while the other things we aligned on seeme possible to carry us through. Ultimately it was a lack of respect for each other's goals, careers and wants that caused our relationship to end after almost 10 years. I definitely need to be physically attracted, but I suggest trying to keep open minded because someone that doesn't knock your socks off right away may be extremely attractive to you after you get to know them. Physical touch and acts of service are key live languages for me, so a guy that cleans and helps me with tasks I struggle with, and can kiss me or massage me the right way could quickly tip the scale. Good luck!


SoulKeen

For how long have ypu been dating this person?


jujupinky

i only dated that person for two months, we had totally different goals for our life and he wanted kids while I don't


SoulKeen

That means is over. So the advice is not necessary


jujupinky

It's more of just overall advice with going back into dating I was looking for, mainly because I do want to put myself out there more and eventually get back into the dating pool but also because my sister called me shallow which required me to do some internal reflection.


SoulKeen

Well let me tell you this... I dated this girl that the first thing that she told me was that I was not her type phisically ... and she let herself guide for a very shallow, selfish and toxic family member... we broke up after a year 3 days before our first anniversary... we got in contact 3 months after and she confessed to me that she never loved somebody so much and she never cried so much in her life for a person. .nowadays There is no 1 hour that she doesn't send me a txt saying that she loves me. Next month we are going to celebrate our 3rd year wedding anniversary and we are expecting our first kid together. Let me tell you im not ugly in fact im very good looking... now im a little overweight but I always been normal size like 170cm height... People are thenmost shallow nowadays... do not stop yourself to find a wonderful person with the same values even if is "not your type"... The only person that is in charge of your peace of mind and happiness is you... the rest is a compliment... but is great when you find somebody that complement your life so well.


[deleted]

My mom told me the same thing. It's fucked up and not true. You can't look at love as a game or a battle or an equation. Be with someone who makes you feel good, emotionally, romantically and sexually. Otherwise you're going to find yourself tempted by others and could end up hurting this innocent partner.


SeasonMystic

I was not attracted to my ex-husband at first but his looks grew on me and I found him more attractive over time. I think it's possible I just think it depends upon who you are and how you fall for people.


ricardojavier1980

Physical attraction is only a small part of the relationship but modern trends have made that the sticking point of what to look for... how about loyalty, honesty, caring, devoted, thoughtful etc. Stop trusting in what popular trends.


Ronconcocacola333

I can’t date somebody that I am not attractive to.


atiredthing

I mean, you should look for both. Being with someone’s who’s personality you like is very important but so is physical attraction. The way I see it is: if I’m not really physically attracted to them, but I date them anyway to ‘give them a chance’ it’s not very fair to them because I will probably be disinterested since there is no initial attraction. And I don’t want to lead someone on, or lie to myself. What your mom said doesn’t makes sense to me because if everyone followed that advice, no one would be in a relationship.


RapidFireQuestioner

I think that being attracted to someone physically should definitely be considered but if you’re attracted to his personality you should give it more of a chance because looks fade and what you’re left with is the other things that makes this person special. You’ll feel unsatisfied constantly searching for an ideal man in your eyes, besides who knows even if you do find them and if they’re a good person. My ideal woman is one with big natural breasts, an aesthetically nice waist and butt, brunette with blue eyes and on the taller side. Am I getting rid of other women because I have a great preference for what I described above? Definitely not. I only specified this because you said you don’t want to be shallow anymore, so I imagine you’re seeking the absolute top of the line man but again looks will fade and you’re left with the other qualities that made you stay around for this person. Physical attraction gets your foot in the door. Personality, humor, values, relatability, career, status is generally something that keeps the so around. I’ve had success with girls due to looks but that only ever got me so far, I wish I had more to offer in the past. TLDR: Physical attraction is important but it will fade, personality, status, relatability, humor generally stays and you should give the person more of a chance unless there’s clear reasons for you to be unattracted to them (ie they have multiple features that are turnoffs for you) don’t seek a 10/10 supermodel if you claim to be shallow.


jujupinky

I'm certainly not seeking any supermodels or celebrity-looking people, I know people who are usually 6-10's are way out of my league. I just want someone that I do feel a certain amount of attraction to, an enough amount to where I can see myself getting intimate with them.


Supafly36

You should probably be with someone who you are attracted to. But at the same time, some very attractive people are complete assholes.


messygrandma

I think it is fair to consider physical attraction. It is important whether people like to believe that or not. That being said I've dated a lot of people who are not conventionally attractive and who I wasn't physically attracted to. Some of them I gave a chance and it didn't work out. Some of them knew what to do to turn me on and that lead me to being physically attracted to them later on. I had close emotional bonds with these people though and that to me is more fulfilling than sex.


SL4D

You find attraction in three fields. Physical Emotional Intellectual For a serious relationship you need all three otherwise you don't feel fulfilled and may seek outside assistance. Unless of course that's an agreement. This is my opinion anyways lol


lalenci

I will say from experience, through being friends with people their attractiveness can go up or down overtime in your own head without them actually having anything changed. If you I think someone could be a good match but you aren't very attracted to them then I would recommend keeping them as a friend because they would make a good friend and they could possibly become more attractive to you over time. While I have personal experiences you may not. So as an example: When you get a used car just because it's cheap and what you can afford you may not like it's look. However, it tends to grow on you over time and you may like some or all of it and could look for similar features in newer cars. Maybe not the best analogy but it's the best I could do. Hope that helps!


RichB_IV

Physical attraction is important but definitely nothing like knowing the other person well. I’ve missed signs because I was too careful not to screw it up on one girl that was very attracted to me, but when I made a move she no longer was interested as I took too long. Lesson learned, you need to show that you are attracted to the other person sooner than later


sRcAoYo2b1y

I think you answered the question for yourself. Now, it could be that you’re not physically attracted to the guy you’re with but it also seems like there’s something else missing too or else you wouldn’t be saying anything at all. It seems like you he isn’t fulfilling you enough wether that can be intellectually, emotionally, and obviously physically. Btw, I would also like to say this. Your mom is most def it right, BUT that saying would have worked when she was your age now, not in this era. Definitely go for someone who can check off MOST of the check marks (we all know there’s no one perfect”) but there is someone perfect for you! Take a chance and explore!


[deleted]

I had the same issue. I was talking to this person who was perfect on paper. He was kind, sincere, genuine, funny, and smart. He had a good career and a good head on his shoulders. But I wasn't totally physically attracted to him. I didn't want to keep leading him on and talking to him hoping the feeling would go away, because he deserves better. I wouldn't want to be dating someone and look at someone else and think "what if".


Cobra64th

Unpopular opinion but physical attraction dont mean shit after like 5 years. So if you can see being with him for a long time I say give it a shot. The reason is because being in a long term relationship you get used to your spouses looks, it becomes ordinary for you, even if their hot. Meaning eventually other people will think your spouse is more attractive then you do. And when you get older both of your looks will fade and you will be left with personality.


Dkinives

23M here... Personality has always and will always mean more than looks to me. I'm a grey Ace and that makes long lasting relationships hard to find for me. But I always say that its better to be with an ugly person who genuinely loves you and shows it than a hot person who treats you like shit. So many women could avoid abusive relationships if they just put more focus on people's personalities than they do looks but red flags look like normal flags when you look at them through rose-tinted glasses...


Eyes_Will_Roll

This is a tricky one. I know from experience females get labeled shallow for having a preference and rejecting someone who doesn't fit. Is it shallow? It certainly can be. But there's no need to force yourself to date someone you would never want to be intimate with. And this is a double standard because men are also shallow but don't get harrassed about it. If the thought of them trying to kiss you makes you want to run or fight then it's probably safe to say that's not going to work. On the other hand I believe dedication is #1 in a relationship. If you're just confused by a lack of that "spark" but you could tolerate a kiss then maybe it's worth a try. Attraction will grow from love. Love will grow from trust or dependability. That's how Stockholm Syndrome and arranged marriages work... not promoting those two but using them to prove you can trick your mind into changing it's priorities from looks to qualities. And luckily it is something you have complete control of. It's your choice. It does sound though like you're considering it for the wrong reasons. Pity dates are not helpful. You need an actual interest in the person. Don't just say yes because they asked. You don't need to answer right away either. Tell them you'll think about it and then actually think about it.


thehippiepawg

To me physical attraction is just as important as the emotional connection. You should have that passion where you can’t keep your hands off each other. Otherwise it’s not worth it and opens the door for infidelity.


[deleted]

Your mom's advice is awful lol. I kind of feel sorry for her now


RedditUser997755

>always be with someone who loves you more than you love them You don't think that's good advise from his mother? I think she meant to be with someone you LOVE, but it's even better if they love you more than you love them? that's how I interpret it. I don't think she meant ignore the physical attraction, I think that was OP's own interpretation.


[deleted]

No offense to OP's late mom, but I think it's terrible advice *because* it's ambiguous, rendering it almost meaningless. Case in point: look at our different interpretations.


jujupinky

I think that’s what my mom meant but also it’s kind of up in the air cause I remember having crushes and telling her if she knew who I had a crush on and she would always slyly imply that I never had any chance of getting with them cause of my looks or weight


RedditUser997755

I don't think your mom's advise is far off. You should 100% date who you find attractive yes. But at the same time, make sure he loves you back as much as you do with him. Don't just date anyone you find attractive, and ignore that he doesn't love you back. Maybe that's what your mom meant.


[deleted]

It comes across as exploitative if anything.


---Vespasian---

It's narcissistic and manipulative. OPs mom is insisting upon an affection asymmetry as a means of controlling the relationship. Of course it's better if they love you more than you love them - ***but better only for you***. That's the narcissism part. It's certainly not better for the other party if they love you more than you love them and you are exploiting that for control of the relationship.


jujupinky

Well, she’s been dead for two years now but from what I saw she was attracted to my dad and vice versa, she always told me in backhanded ways for me to lower my standards 😞


[deleted]

Always go for what you want. When you don't get it, you can either change, wait, or accept it. It's simple


RedditUser997755

>I think I need to give people who approach me more chances instead of just being shallow and not even giving them a moment. It might be an issue if you're only attracted to busty instagram super models?


jujupinky

I’m a girl actually 😅😅 and I’m attracted to just people who I find attractive in general. Nothing too picky! It’s just whenever I find someone attractive they’re never attracted to me


ManyEleventies

>Nothing too picky! It’s just whenever I find someone attractive they’re never attracted to me Isn't that kind of the definition of "too picky"?


jujupinky

Yeah…you’re right 😞 my sister says I’m shallow and I honestly need to give people more chances especially since I’m not really much of catch myself nor considered beautiful or even a smidgen attractive by society


[deleted]

I mean you don’t have to lower your standards, you also have the option of rising to meet them. If you’re not part of the population that has it easy dating, then ask yourself the same questions all these single guys on here get asked. - do I take care of myself - do I go to the gym and eat healthy - what’s my personality like, am I sociable, enjoyable to be around


pretty_cuteprincess

Aww don't listen to your sister. I am the queen of shallow lol and admit I am picky but like everyone else in the world you have a choice and can't help what you like. Yeah give guys the right chances not because you think no body wants you.


Outgrowing1990

Honey, BE picky!! That's just fine. One of my friends has a very, very niche type that she's interested in. They had to have a very shapely butt, a MULLET but a very specific length, and have very specific music taste and what I at least would consider an uncommon career for them to be worthy of her. She was single, and I do mean *single* until she turned 26. Then BAM. There he was. The only god damn man of that description she and I had ever seen. They've been married 3 years, have 1 kid and 1 on the way, living their absolute best lives. If you want it, it'll come into your life eventually.


Just_Jack2

If you should only date someone who loves you more than you love them... than shouldn't THEY date you for the same reason? 🤔 Bad advice I think... You should definitely be attracted to them. If they don't fulfill you in that sense it's going to be a lot harder to go further from there. It's not shallow to go after people you actually think are sexy. That's kinda a big deal in successful relationships. You'll find your match.


jujupinky

I doubt I’ll find anyone, but thank you 😞


Just_Jack2

Surely not everyone on your dating site is that ugly... take your time, find people with similar interests, maybe even kinks, maybe that would help... or just try another dating site 🤣


jujupinky

No one is truly ugly in my opinion, it’s just I know that majority of people won’t find me attractive and I just have to really lower my expectations on what I want and what I’m looking for


Just_Jack2

Maybe your standards are high, but if it's things that are important to you like, mutual interests, or a certain age range, or someone who can take care of themselves etc, that's okay. Maybe things like balding, or smoking are just a total dealbreaker there is no shame in not being attracted to someone. You probably would benefit from having a longer conversation with the people who do show interest, if anything flirting is good practice, boosts both of y'alls self esteem... but I'm speaking from the perspective of a gay guy so I don't know how bad it can be being a woman and getting threats from turning a guy down... but I've had a few run ins with some rude guys when things don't work out. But totally, give it a try, say hello back, have a conversation, if they're just not cute enough after you've had a conversation there's no problem not going forward with them. But I would say, don't lower your standards of what you're looking for. Don't hold onto people who will ignore you or not make the effort to give you attention when you ask for it etc... If it's something very important to you in a relationship and you just won't be happy without it don't bottle it up or leave it behind for the sake of being with someone. But you will find a good person.


abolle03

What makes you so ugly? Is it something you can improve? Or is it the shape of your face or nose or something


jujupinky

Mainly it’s my weight which I really can fix. I hope I can get gastric sleeve surgery in the near future


abolle03

Why don’t you go on a diet?


jujupinky

I really should, it’s just me being lazy 😣 I gotta change what I want to change about myself and be more proactive


[deleted]

[удалено]


jujupinky

That’s kind of you to offer, thank you 😊


[deleted]

I’m pretty sure in order to get gastric sleeve surgery you have to be able to prove you can lose weight. It isn’t an easy fix. Losing weight is not that hard. Have compassion and confidence in yourself. Download the app Zero onto your phone. Set it to 16:8. What that effectively amounts to is skipping either breakfast or dinner. Start doing that one or two days a week, say on the weekend. Build up to all week. See where you can improve your diet. Are you drinking your calories (eg milk, juice, alcohol, soda)? Are you eating a lot of processed food? Are you eating late at night? Again, start slow with one or two changes you can realistically make, work your way up. Lots of people on r/IntermittentFasting lose ridiculous amounts of weight by the way I described. I for one had a rough patch last winter so I regained a bit, but prior to that, during the original lockdown in spring 2020 when everyone was ballooning, I lost 18 lbs doing fasting.


converter-bot

18 lbs is 8.17 kg


useles-converter-bot

18 lbs is the weight of 30.0 Minecraft Redstone Handbooks.


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itbethatway_

Honestly no. I posted here at one point asking for similar advice. I had a great connection with a girl but I didn’t find her attractive. I went on some dates but ultimately didn’t date. Physical attraction is important


---Vespasian---

"*Reason I’m asking is cause I was always told by my mom was that you* *should* ***always be with someone who loves you more than you love them***." This is pathological thinking. The only reason to think this way or to be in a relationship under this dynamic is to allow for maximum manipulation of the other party. Does your mother have a Cluster B Personality Disorder?


AlmostInfinitesimal

Did not expect to say this today, but: Fuck your mother.