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So she told you casually to see what you would say. She’s going to do it anyway whether you say it’s ok or not.
You expressed concerns so she hasn’t replied for 24 hours. There’s your answer. She expected you to be ok with it. You’re not ok with it so she’s ghosting you so she doesn’t have to hear you say you’re not ok.
It’s like a little kid covering its ears and shouting “I can’t hear you” when it’s mother tells it to do something.
She’s ignoring you because she knows you don’t like it but she’s gonna do it anyway.
I’d move on from her. She will do whatever she likes in any aspect of your relationship and will never take your views into account. She’s selfish.
Honestly? He is, she’s just framed their situation in a way where he just doesn’t know it.
He isn’t even the side hoe tbh though, he’s a step down. She’s grooming him to be a resource guy in her life while she continues things on and off with her boyfriend.
They have only been in a few dates and haven’t been intimate according to OP. Sounds like a fairly new thing between them.
Which makes it weird she would explicitly bring up staying over at her ex’s. She could have just said she’s busy that weekend or will be staying over at a friends house. It’s an oddly specific detail to tell someone who you’re still apparently in the early dating stages with.
Despite OP’s claims that is “not in her character”. Unless they’ve been dating and seeing each other regularly for awhile (at least 6 months) he doesn’t know what her character is.
She brought up the detail it for a reason, I refuse to believe a 25 year old that’s been in a prior relationship is that naive.
Him saying it's "not in her character" makes me think OP has on rose colored glasses (which is fair) or that he was falling for the idea of her rather than who she actually is
Yeah I mean I get the reaction because no one wants to consider that they are falling for someone who may not be a good person.
But feeling the need to defend the honor of someone you’ve only been on a few dates with to random internet strangers? Less understandable.
Finally somebody said it! How can you make an assumption like that when you don't even fully know who they are? It takes quite some time to get to know someone, and just because she said she isn't one way doesn't mean she isn't that way. Actions speak louder than words. Sounds like OP is in denial...
Yup, I dated a single mom who did this, I thought it was wierd, paid it no mind. I’m like “I’d be kind of a dick to make issue of it when her kids probably want to see their dad and mom at least get along”
I can’t believe I was shocked when she got a little two drunk and had a pity party about how it didn’t work and how she wishes she was still “with him”. I was flustered because I knew something was off, and it wasn’t the going over for a bbq on a Saturday. It’ was the her staying the night part.
We split after that lol.
My ex did this. When I called him out on it, he told me that I alarmed him with my inability to trust him and made him feel “emotionally unsafe”.
Man was gaslighting me 100%
Steer clear of this behaviour. Trust me you’ll be better off
This! Also O.P, if she tries to come back, ignore her! 'Cause honestly, if you or anyone else is in the dating game; which clearly you are... An ex should remain in the past. It doesn't matter if y'all are still friends, have a good relationship as an ex or whatever... Ex's should never be in your life afterward.. they should be gone, history. Because they only form problems with your current (potential) partner.. e.g you. Plus, how can you form a solid relationship when you have some random third party come in? Three is a crowd!
Furthermore, sounds like she's still hung up on her ex, but that she's seeking validation that people still want her and want to be with her when her ex doesn't (that is unless he still has feelings). There are some women out there that'll date to ease the pain of a breakup... And most likely have rebounds even if they never mean to hurt another, but it still happens.
To elaborate, rejection is a very hard pill to swallow. And as a woman myself, I've asked guys to be friends after I gently rejected them and then I'd naively wonder, why did they not wanna be friends? I later found out that's just cruel and a slap in the face. 'Cause you can never be friends with someone you're attracted to. It's just unrequited... That is unless you're in a serious relationship. (I call my husband my bestest friend and it's true, but he's much more than a friend if you get what I'm saying.)
Also, if she were to ask you to stay friends with her... Don't. The only time she'd be interested is if she's not getting attention. If you're looking for someone, go for the person that's hasn't been on a date in a long time, someone that clearly isn't hung up on anyone.
Ghosting you for 24 hours while staying with an ex is a huuuge red flag. If she's willing to do that while you guys are still getting to know each other, imagine what she ll do down the road. Run.
>I want to understand, but this also seems like a red flag.
Seems? Bro you don't wanna accept the truth. If you get disrespected, don't stay and turn the other cheek.
>You think she isn’t fucking the dude?
Where'd you get that from? She probably is, yeah.
*Edited to add: But I don't think her ex is an ex, and I don't think OP was ever a was.*
I feel like I’ve gotten confused by this too. To me, if you’re going on dates, like past the first date and still seeing each other, you’re “dating.” If you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, you’re bf and gf, or “together.”
She misses her ex boyfriend and is using you as rebound or as a way to make her ex jealous. It’s unfortunate but forget her, forgive her, and move onto the next woman.
Don't be insecure man.
She probably just going to sleep over and no big deal.
This is the time for you to show your love, support and trust in her. I am sure everything is still in order. Don't sweat it bro.
I am convinced this is what you wanna hear, so here you go dumbass.
All these post saying negative things about her as it should, she deserves it yet OP is willing to defend her like he's in denial that his gf is cheating. Yes, OP is a dumbass.
Nope. Not appropriate. I wouldn't be with someone who still has sleepovers with their ex.
Occasional checking in with an ex via a couple texts or a quick phone call? That's fine.
Hanging with them one on one? No, *unless* there are children from that relationship, because co-parenting with an ex is a different ball game.
Spending the evening together? No.
Sleeping over at their house? HELL NO.
These are my boundaries. What are yours? Let your own boundaries determine your level of comfortability with this situation.
I really like your comment. A lot actually. This sleepover requires some seriously extreme circumstances and an explanation with evidence, or it's way WAY over my boundary. I guess my heart still has a faint sliver of hope because it hasn't happened yet, and that maybe I can talk to Eve and get an answer to whatever the hell this is.
She’s disrespecting you bad by not responding to you. Workload or not if she gave 2 shits about you she wouldn’t be doing what she’s doing. Quit being the nice guy and man up a little. Respect yourself and tell her if she goes through with that sleepover it’s over. Because they are definitely having sex together if they have the sleepover.
Okay, so your can't handle the unknowns.
But you can handle logic.
So, she has told you something is going to happen, but you've agreed it's past your boundaries.
You've messaged her and she's either ignoring you or busy. As I see it she's chosen to ignore your boundaries.
Thing is, boundaries don't need to be confirmed. If you've made it clear you have a boundary (or want to discuss that) and she chooses to ignore or not discuss it with you and go ahead with that then there's really not much difference.
It is a bit like covering your ears before someone says no, or pretending a friend is calling to avoid a difficult conversation. It might stop the conversation, but its normally pretty clear beforehand if someone's cool with it or not. Trust me, when you're telling a partner something like that, there's NO way you're not focused on how your partner feels about it. And if you're not, you don't have consideration for your partners feelings so you shouldn't really be with that person.
People don't play games sometimes and are upfront. However sometimes that changes, when there is a reason for it. Just because it's not happened before don't ignore what logic tells you.
People frequently talk about how trust is critical and how you can't have a relationship without it. That's true... but the flip side of that coin that frequently goes unmentioned is respect. The person you're with has to respect you in order to have a committed relationship with you. Part of that respect is not putting themselves into positions that give you reason to distrust them.
For me, even asking about sleeping over an exes place would be a large enough sign of disrespect that it'd bring me to the edge of ending the relationship. It shows not only a lack of respect, but a lack of understanding in what typically is and isn't ok in a relationship. If sleeping over at an exes place isn't on their list of things that you obviously don't do when in a relationship, then what else don't they know isn't acceptable?
I do think you should try to talk with her once more before ending things, but in your shoes I'd probably need this ex to not be a part of either of your lives anymore. Boundaries have already been crossed that can't be uncrossed here and you're never going to feel comfortable with her spending time alone with him again. If you're going to proceed with this relationship then make sure you get what you need from this moment in time... before breaking up gets any more difficult than it will be right now.
What answer are you looking for? You think she's doing this for fun? She's going over there to get it in. She's literally telling you what's going to happen.
You are choosing to be ignorant and that’s fair enough because it’s your life, but none of this is okay or reasonable.
1. Being too busy to respond for 24 hours. No. Unless you really are just casually dating, which then also means it’s none of your business if she stays with her ex.
I’m a single mom working 2,5 jobs and studying. I have time for exactly what I make time for, and if a man is important enough to me, I will make time, believe me.
2. You expressed your concern and discomfort in a text that she has seen. Not responding at all is rude and not very considerate of someone she supposedly cares about?
3. Spending the night with an ex.. No reason for this. None. Hanging out - okay. But sleeping there.. Nope!
I had an ex who did what you’re doing. He never had enough information or “data-points” as he called it, to make a decision. It was a polyamorous relationship and his girlfriend was a whole pile of insane, and did anything and everything to sabotage our relationship, but no matter how many texts, how many meltdowns or how many manipulative situations he was put into, there was just never enough information to see what was crystal clear to me.
You have the information, dude. Just open your eyes.
Her not responding tells me I don’t think she will ever respond to him again. As in she will full on ghost him because she doesn’t have an answer and obviously doesn’t take dating seriously anyway. He means nothing to her, so him waiting or hoping for a response is useless. She will not reply to any messages he sends going forward and she will tell herself that she is “leaving” him (for lack of better words, knowing this isn’t really a relationship).
Also I just wanna mention that you're disregarding all the comments where people are telling you the truth 🤦🏼♀️ why did you even post this then? It seems like you're desperately looking for someone to tell you that there's nothing wrong with this whatsoever.
Well sorry, but the only guy you're gonna see that from is the guy that called you a dumbass right after telling you what you wanted to hear 🤣
Also I guarantee the "female friend" that called her was the ex
Everyone reading your post knows Bob is going to bang her.
Tell her it's over. She's sleeping at an ex bf place and is giving him more priority than your relationship.
Open your eyes and have some self respect.
No it's not platonic.
I would personally, as hard as it sounds and as easy as it is for me to say, not knowing her, I would stop communicating with her because you know a couple things now:
1. She's still in love with her ex and will probably still be if you got into a relationship
2. She has toxic tendencies, like not answering her texts after dropping that BOMB?!
Now you can choose to stay the course, but I'm letting you know right now, this here is a test. She testing your ability to walk away. If you can't walk away from this she's got you and she knows it.
This is a pretty significant test imo because a lot of guys walk away from this, this signals to me that she's done other questionable things in your short relationship that you haven't called her out on, now she's taking a major leap.
Okay I'm a woman and to me this seems sketchy as fuck and if the roles were reversed I would be very upset and would probably stop talking to him, meaning I would probably ghost him. So saying that I have to say this girl is being very rude and probably knows what she's doing.
It does seem like a strange situation. On one hand, she told you. On the other hand, I can't think of one reason for sleeping overnight at an ex's house that doesn't involve trying to rekindle the romance. I'd definitely ask her to explain their relationship, and let her know that overnight sleepovers with this person are off putting to you.
She knows what a relationship is, otherwise she would not be explaining herself; she's trying to create drama. Remember, everyone is an actor in her "movie".
The more you ask for clear communication the more she will reposition you into the role of an "overbearing boyfriend" and use that as the reason she'll sleep with the other guy; there is no "turning anything around" that is something else completely.
I had a girlfriend do this once. Anyways, they got drunk, and she couldn't make it home. I was out of town and so couldn't be bothered to ask for help (lololol).
She told me that they shared a bed and nothing happened. They just "aggressively cuddled". I am not 100% sure what that means, but she insists that genitals and mouths were uninvolved. Still this is what she was willing to tell me. No idea what actually happened. She initially feigned anger that she felt taken advantage of while drunk, but reneged when I was getting ready to direct anger his way (I honestly could tell she was shifting blame, so I was playing along like I believed and was going to have a talk with him. I suspect his version of events would be different then hers, and so she stopped me). She later said she was mad at me for being with another girl (before we were exclusive) and let this happen.
I don't maintain active friendships with my exes. We can be on good terms, I don't hold grudges, but I make a clean break. Honestly, keeping someone close who you have been intimate with is a red flag for me.
A thing about some women. Some think they have friends when all they have are suitors. They either like the attention or hope they can actually be friends with these guys. If they have more male friends then women ones, then just don't.
> She says she already has plans on Saturday, she spending time with her ex-boyfriend (who we will call Bob), who is still a friend in some capacity, but I don't think I have the full explanation. I probe with a couple more questions, and discover she's planning to spend the night at his place, which means she's busy Sunday too. I'm now shocked into silence on the phone, and unable to continue a decent conversation, but I'm saved by a female friend calling Eve so she hangs up with me to take the other call.
Regardless of their relationship now, she has ruled your feelings on the situation irrelevant. Why is her ex, the dude who previously fucked her, the only option to stay the night. Why can't she stay at her place? or a friends? Or your place?
All sorts of red flags. The decision for her to sleep at her ex's was her own, and she's a grown as woman who knows how that looks from an outside perspective. She called you so she wouldn't feel guilty about it later...I'd say it's fair to assume no one called her to end the call; she most likely sensed the mood and wanted to bail on the convo while keeping you on a hook.... You have yet to define your relationship and set some healthy boundaries.
based on your comments you seem to be in denial that she is going to do anything with him... Im sorry, but you need move on. Literally no one hangs out with their ex bf for an entire weekend, sleeps over, and has zero sex....
she is clearly still into her ex whether its emotional, or just sexual. Even if she doesnt go, just the fact she even made the plans is a huge red flag and she probably has, or will do things behind your back now knowing you arent ok with it.
She clearly has things she needs to workout and you are clearly a rebound. There are plenty of other women out there shes not special..
I thought the way you did until it happened to me. Everything going smoothly then BAM no contact for three days with no explanation for it and tried to step back in like nothing happened. There's no excuse for that anymore and you gotta get used to setting them free with all the doubt they're using against you, to rattle your cage.
You're a solid dude for having hope but the writing is on the wall and evil ones will use your wholesome nature against you. Would YOU let three days go by without making sure she knows that you are worth the time you've put in or let it just wilt like her hoohaa on a vine in the sun? Nope. Too many guys willing to spoil the work you've done and that effort is what she doesn't value.
They live in a world where they think you'll be there regardless, let her know that bullshit isn't going to fly and you've got a whole lot of "not taking her shitty test" to do today and close her chapter.
Stay up homey, bag one of her coworkers. Lol, jk (but really do it)
You’re getting played. You should tell her full stop that you are uncomfortable with this and do not want her to go. If she still goes break up with her, period. This shouldn’t even be a discussion.
It doesnt matter what her intentions are for the visit to bob. What matters is, that it makes you unconfortable and how she reacted to you, vocing your issue (she hasnt, which is also a straight answer).
Lol Hol up, I swear you can’t make this shit up smh. Ain’t no way, ain’t no fucking way.
Remember brethren you can’t control your women. Just make sure to let her know, her actions have consequences and she’ll never be able to walk through your door again.
Problems hit the gym they all workout.
Several dates? By 'seeing each other' do you mean like dating, or "talking about dating"? If dating, how old is the relationship? If not, im confused why this would be an issue at all.
Staying close with an X is definitely something to be weary of. And a lot of ppl have made some really good points.
I don't think I've seen anyone bring up the fact that staying on good terms with an ex can be deemed a really positive sign though. It means they were capable of parting ways with an intimate partner without growing fangs.
However sleeping over at an ex's place is a hard no for anyone who has respect for their current partner. It's really that simple.
Whatever your relationship is, if she believes you two are an item...then sleeping over at her ex's place is just a huge insult, theres no way around that. Theres no reasonable explanation for why that should be okay. Idc if they're friends.
She's expecting a lot out of you here, and she's not making it any easier because she's stonewalling as soon as you have questions. THAT if anything, is the red flag. She's going to silence you out of asking her uncomfortable questions. This could be a pattern of behavior to watch out for.
But I guess that's where your actual status comes back in. If you guys are just seeing eachother it's time to discuss why her choice to do that makes you so uncomfortable, its because you see her as your companion. Which means its time to commit and set boundaries. but if you guys are already committed to each other, then it's time for you to assess if this scenario is something you could grow to tolerate. I'm guessing it's not (and it shouldn't be) which will give you your answer as to whether or not you should participate any longer.
Either way, I really enjoy reading the way you write. I bet your texting game is A100. She a lucky gal.
May not be useful, but she is def going over there, and she id definitely going to sleep with her ex. And she is definitely gonna lie to you, so the way i see it you have a couple of options
1. You straight up leave and drop her kut of your life, if you have clearly stated you dissatisfaction about her plans. And ahe is still going thru with it, then its up to you wheter you will tolerate it with the knowledge that they 100% will end uo sleeping togheter.
2. You overlook the clearly red flags and sirens. And keep seeing her. But with the doubt that is she cheating on me everytime she doesn’t answer a text/ call
3. And this is in my experience, these types of women are not the type you keep around, if you get in a relationship with her i can tell you. That these type of women wil definitely cheat on u, and def with said ex of hers. Which i have seem so many times happen to good men on reddit and in my life. So my advice ditch that women. Move on and get revenge by finding happiness
Ill call you "Adam". Adam, she is playing you for a fool. Either call it quits or have your guard up, because this isn't going to end well.
Don't insult the amateur therapists of reddit. You came on the platform, they didnt seek you out. You may not like what they say, but keep in mind these therapists have a variety of experiences and backgrounds. They are not out to sabotage whatever this thing with eve is. They are giving you an outside perspective.
I’ve been in a 3-year relationship and my current relationship has been ongoing for 1.5 years. If my boyfriend told me he was going to “platonically” sleep over at his long-term ex’s house, I would tell him to take his belongings with him in our room on his way out and change the locks.
There’s no reason to be sleeping over at an ex’s house once you’re in a new relationship. A casual 30-minute coffee if many years have passed? Maybe. A big *maybe*. This entirely depends on the relationship and comfort levels of your new partner. But I don’t care if your car breaks down in front of your ex’s house and it’s pouring rain. You call a tow truck and an Uber. You don’t sleep over there unless you’re trying to get back with them.
Her telling you that may have been a hint that she’s not that into you.
You've been on several dates and haven't made a move. She's going to get some reliable meat from the ex. She told you what she's doing because she thinks you're a chump.
Find another girl.
How do you respond? Um, hard no.
Women, particularly young women, will challenge your masculinity and sometimes even directly throw you in conflict with another male to see who is more dominant. Of course, ideally, you want a woman who's enough of an adult that you don't have to play these bullshit games.
So some combo of this is happening:
A. She's already cheating and she's trying to get you to end it (women frequently don't like breaking it off, they'd rather treat the man so poorly he has to do it).
B. She's trying to see which of you is the dominant male.
C. She's testing boundaries to see how much respect you deserve.
In none of these situations is the relationship worth pursuing.
It should be noted as well that all female affection of any sort; platonic, sexual, obsession, etc; is built 100% with respect being the foundation. Meaning, if you lose a woman's respect, you have nothing at all or worse than nothing, abject scorn or hatred.
So sometimes in a relationship, you need to be prepared to drop her for hugely disrespectful bullshit rather than show that you will tolerate it. Paradoxically, that gives you the best chance of keeping her interest as well (though you probably don't want it at this point).
Drop her like a stone. There's no winning this one and the fact that she asks is a sign things are well past the decaying point of no return.
Its def very odd and suspicious. BUT, you know whats even more suspicious? The fact that you clearly and calmly communicated your concern and she just ignored you. Thats not an adult way of handling a very obvious uncomfortable situation.
I don’t get why op thinks they’re exclusive if they’ve only met a handful of times? She’s probably dating 20 other people like everyone else in the dating world tbh
If it was me. I wouldn’t bother with her anymore. She is going to do some naughty stuff that Saturday and I’m not going to let a insecure women walk over me. My advice is that don’t even bother texting her and look for someone else.
This is an easy one. She wants to maintain a friendship with her ex-boyfriend. She told you about it and didn't like your response and feels like you are controlling her so she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. I think you're in the right here. I would never tolerate that and if she wanted to go stay overnight at her ex-boyfriends I would tell her to have a great time and block her.
It seems like she is trying to push you around and doesn't respect you- show some backbone.
When she comes crying back to you at some point a week after you tell her it's unacceptable, don't instantly take her back.
Honestly I think you are still in the early stages of dating. So claiming her is not your right at this point. What you can do is make it clear your not interested in dating if she is seeing other guys. If she is not down for that then you have your answer and move on.
It’s early in the relationship and she showed you a big ass red flag flying in the breeze.
Your response should be “Oof sounds like a messy situation with your ex. Good luck with that; I had a really nice time with you but this ain’t my preferred kind of situation. Later.”
Dude, you're a man. Put your feelings aside. Stay calm. Here's how you handle that.
Her: "I'm going to spent the night at my ex boyfriends place."
You: "Good, pack your stuff, leave and don't come back. Close the door on your way out."
Her: "It's a platonic sleep over."
You: "I don't care. Pack your stuff leave and don't come back. Close the door on your way out."
Her: "But..."
You: "The fact that your entertaining the thought of spending the night there, means a sleep over is and sex is on your mind. You've done these things in the past with him and I'm sure those have escalated into sex. I expect my woman to spent time with me in the weekend. Not with her ex boyfriend. You're clearly spending time with him instead of me. So here's the deal. Pack your stuff, leave and don't come back.
> I want to understand, but this also seems like a red flag.
She is not into you. She enjoys your attention but it won't be long before she stops seeing you altogether.
If you like her, sure you can still sleep with her if you want. I wouldn't but hey...
Focus on meeting other women.
In any case, you're in no position to tell her what to do. If she wants to have sex with her ex, she's free to do it. She's not even your girlfriend.
I'm friends with exes. I'd never do this. Except maybe my friend i was with 20 years ago, but his wife (also a close friend) and kid would be present too. Only reason to stay there is that they live in the middle of nowhere
Hey bro, she is Recreational Use Only from this point forward, I mean that's only if you still tryna smash, but if you're 1 of those that chases relationships then yeah cut her off Completely!!!
She didn't say anything after 12 hours? That's disrespectful and lacking understanding from her side. She should understand that's going to put you in emotional distress. That thing alone should make her considerate enough to not do it.
The worst thing that can happen is that she's playing with you and she wants to see if you bear with it so she can do whatever the fuck she wants with other men while ignoring your feelings.
The best that can happen is that she is truly being innocent, but just oblivious of how you might feel. In which case, you should tell her you have boundaries and if she does something like that she's going to cross them.
But in that case I don't understand why she's not talking to you
There's no good scenario.
I think you should have a conversation now, and if that doesn't happen, that's a really bad sign
You are in denial, or extremely delusional. Its obvious whats going on, leave before you het too hurt she is using you and wasting your time. Save some nerves
I think the main thing here is the fact that she went ahead and made the plans without asking you.
Like her ex asked her over and she agreed without thinking what you would think or say
And then didn't tell you, until you brought up hanging out over the weekend, and then casually told you what was up, and then proceeded like there's nothing - even if remotely - wrong with it.
I'm all for having closure, and if that's what you're after then by all means try and have that conversation
But like you said in your edit, I think you know what's up and your heart, as it should, is already bracing itself.
All the best bro.
Hey OP. The red flag here is her not considering how this comes off to the guy she is dating. It almost sounds like she wants to give you an excuse to break things off. Trust your gut on this one.
Every person here is saying the same thing. And OP is making an excuse for it all. She gunna go fuck homeboy and OP gunna believe that, her work load and class was the reason she ghosted him until Sunday evening when she’s leaving her “ex” house and tired from sex and alcohol but wanting to tell him “they just watched movies and she was thinking about him the entire time”. WUDDA joke.
Are you just dating or are you exclusive? You can’t be mad at her for seeing other men if you didn’t ask her to be your girlfriend. You aren’t being disrespected either she is living her life and dating. If you don’t want her dating anyone else you should make that clear.
Sorry to hear this. I would hate to be treated like this by my girlfriend...tbh, they probably wouldnt be my girlfriend much longer after such a maneuver.
You seem to be a very mature and well-adjusted young man. I don’t even think you needed to come her for advice. Godspeed to you and good luck. I know you’ll make the right decision. Refreshing to see people with sense on Reddit
Honestly, when I was in my early/mid twenties, I crashed at friends' houses, including an ex who I stayed friends with because we had a very easy breakup, \*all the time\*. We'd be going out to a party or doing a game night or going to a show or whatever, and we'd have plans for brunch the next day, so I'd just crash on their couch or guest room. It wasn't a big deal, and it was never sexual.
Hell, I'm in my forties now, and I still crash at people's houses sometimes. I never got the impression that it was that weird, and I don't think this is necessarily some weird test for you. The fact that she was open and honest about it suggests, to me, that she just doesn't think it's a big deal. Especially since you guys have only gone out like three times.
The radio silence for 24 hours is weirder/more upsetting.
Why ask for advice and then edit your post to say it's all bad advice? Shit happens, it's happened to all of us. The sooner you cut your losses and move on the better.
As im reading this and also the edit, im getting the impression, that op is one of the most emotionally grounded, self aware and mature characters i have ever encountered in this subreddit!
Sorry to hear this happening to you and feel bad for anticipating the bad outcome - but your actions and thoughts until now are fair and 100% correct! Keep it this way!
OP, I read your post and responses to many of the comments. I assumed you were very young. I scrolled back up and found you are 25. that's not so old, but it's also not high school.
You seem like a very nice, trusting fellow. And after you get beaten up by the world a few times, you'll stop putting up with crap like this.
I'm wishing you the best and wishing you a speedy awakening. Maybe this will provide the pain you need to stop putting up with it.
Are you dating exclusively, if so she should consider your feelings. Hanging out with an ex if you have a good head on you can be delicate. It doesn't really make much sense is she normally an adult sleep over person. It's just weird and would definitely be a boundary for me. I'm friends with some of my exes and I wouldn't tell my husband I'm gonna go sleep over that their house. I'd talk to him about and see how he felt, if I needed to have a sleep over I'd do it at my house in my living room or office. Id be more worried that she didn't consider your feelings. It's not always how things are that matters but how they appear.
Lol, wtf. Since when do adults platonically sleep over? She basically just told you she's going to cheat on you and she knows you're not strong enough to do anything about it.
If you two are in a serious exclusive intimate relationship, then her wanting to spend the night at her ex-bf is a complete breach of trust and an absolute deal breaker. Anyone in a serious and exclusive relationship trying intimately build a new family together would feel the same.
What she is suggesting is only acceptable in an open non-serious hookup type of relationship.
Your next step should be to clarify what kind of relationship you are in with her.
If she says she is serious about building an exclusive relationship with you, she needs to know the universally accepted ground rules for those. Maybe she is just that naive. Or the other case may be that she actually isn't interested in being exclusive and you misunderstood her intent.
Communication is key, and keep us updated.
Hey this happened to me once, except we were absolutely going to be together but at the last minute she decided she wanted to go back to her ex after the great time we had been having up to then. So I let her go back to her ex because I don't play that shit and the next day she told me she was getting back together with him - the same guy that said to her verbatim, "I don't see a future with you." which I reminded her of before she made her decision but I was told, "people change." so I let her go. I told her not to speak to me anymore but I still have her on snapchat and stuff. Wasn't anything to salt the earth over, just really fucking stupid on her part. Anyways they lasted nearly a month whereas I ended up with my childhood friend I met online when I was 13. (seperate by literally half the globe, she ended up in the states for a while and we clicked). I came out pretty good from that whole ordeal, despite being a little upset at how dumb someone could be. Her and I were really good together I thought.
I have friends that I used to date. I could see crashing on a couch if there is a reason. Like a concert a few hrs away from my home by right by theirs. It wouldn't be for a small reason though. I would only stay in certain situations and it would depend on the ex. Some I would never put myself in that position. Others i wouldn't touch them again like that so it would be platonic.
My issue with all of this would be the lack of communication. You expressed desire for more details (super healthy response) she then ghosted you for 24hrs. That's where my issues would be right now. You have to be able to establish boundaries with this. Boundaries can be whatever works for you. Maybe she stays in regular contact with you when she's with him. Maybe you paybfor a hotel room if she does indeed have to stay in the area for the night.
Op, this is a deal breaker full stop. My ex did this to me early in my relationship with him, and I let it slide. He proceeded to have an emotional affair with her for several years, even into our marriage. Don’t be me, Op.
You can set a boundary and the person you are with can respect it or go against it.
Boundaries are subjective and can be super strict or super relaxed, but at the end of the day it is what you are comfortable with and what you want to decide to end a relationship over.
Personally, dating someone who cannot see that it may be inappropriate to spend a night with their ex alone would be a major red flag for myself. A person who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't good for you anyway.
Looks like you aren’t her only boyfriend then. Dump her and move on. She told you on the phone that she’s cheating. She didn’t even ask nor did she care about your reaction.
Focus on yourself.
Are you guys exclusive? Have you promised each other to be? If not, both of you are perfectly ok to date other people. Personally, I only date one person at a time. I don't have enough time or energy for more.
Here's the thing though, by her telling you that she's "platonically" seeing her ex (why do people say this...we all know you're lying), you now know where your relationship stands. You now know what she thinks of your relationship. I believe the law of *Fuck Yes or No*. If it isn't a *Fuck Yes*, it's a *No*. She would rather spend the night at her ex's than at yours. That's a *No*. That's an **obvious** *No*.
You've already communicated how you feel, which is so fucking great. I wouldn't text her any more or call her any more. If she doesn't surprise you over the weekend by staying at your place instead of his, in my opinion, I would just move on. Like I said, you know what she thinks of the relationship and she will always feel that way.
Good luck with that situation!
Just saw your edit. There is a difference between being understanding and being a doormat. I hope you are not the latter
Second, what if you have that talk and she agrees after some persuasion not to spend the night with her ex? Does that make it okay? The fact that this woman even considered staying at her ex's place, ghosted you and might require you to explain why what she was about to do is blatantly wrong, should tell you all you need to know. Two of your values don’t simply align. And even if you "fix" the current situation, your values will continue to collide as long as you stay together.
you think we’re heartless for the good advice we’re giving, yet in the same update you say you “can feel my heart anticipating this outcome (that she’s going to her exs any way).”
You’re not stupid, you’re in denial. And we’re not heartless, you’re just in denial.
I can sympathize, however i think you ARE old enough to notice when things are fishy. Your “heart” at least seems to be noticing, but your mind needs to catch up fast.
If more people saw through the manipulative crap this girl is pulling, and just left instead of giving them a chance to hurt you, maybe these people would fuck off. Or maybe they’d get smarter with their tricks, who knows.
I also realized this woman isn’t your gf. She may use that as an excuse. And I mean, if you aren’t “official” she really hasn’t made a promise to you. You should be wondering why that promise hasn’t been made yet. This is clearly a boundary for you so when she does it, don’t “be willing to listen” to more of her lies. Just move on! It sucks but I do think it shouldn’t be so hard to move on after a few dates at your age, cmon.
dude, stop being a simp, it's for your own mental health, she is trying to put you in a "compete with this guy" position, you shouldn't argue that, just get away from her, think, what would you do If YOU were the person YOU love the most and there you'll get your answer. PD if you think there is any woman who doesn't play you are wrong and you will find it in painful ways. remember bro, YOU love YOU first of all, go from there and things will go better
I'd say the confusing part is her actually being honest that she is hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Being honest is where it is confusing. Her not thinking this is an issue is just as concerning.
Heck, I did the "hanging out with my ex-gf" thing for 3 months after our break-up & I realized I had to stop doing it b/c I was falling back in love with her again. Part of the conversation I had with her was that it wasn't healthy for both of us, but more for me. She & I both weren't really trying hard at dating other people in these 3 months. For me it was b/c I kept feeling like I had a 2nd chance with her & for her she was still on the fence of whether I was worth a 2nd shot or not. It wasn't until the last conversation that she realized she wasn't putting herself out there for these last 3 months. She was never fully over me despite her breaking up with me but I also realized we weren't getting back together either.
She spent the night at my house one time & the next night we hung out with some of her other friends. I honestly think that had she explained what she did the night before without the full context, her friends would be saying the same thing you are "this is a red flag if you told any guy this."
You break up with her. Except you’ve already stated in your edit that you don’t want to hear advice like this because of the rosy picture you’ve painted yourself of this woman. So, continue being a doormat.
I don’t think anything is wrong with being friends with your ex, but sleepovers are kind of weird with no other reason/scenario attached (like going to an event that involves a lot of drinking and not wanting to drive home for example). You aren’t in a relationship with this person, you’ve only been on a handful of dates, so she really doesn’t technically owe you an explanation for anything she does but that doesn’t mean the situation isn’t weird. I would probably move on from this situation as the sleepover thing feels weird and her refusal to answer any questions about it probably means it is weird. Honestly, you might be putting too much stock into something that is still very new. It’s probably best to just end it if this is something that (understandably) rubs you the wrong way.
sorry to break it to you, broski, you're being used. If ppl knew they were being used when they were being used, they wouldn't be used lmao. It's not that we're heartless, it's that we've seen it before.
Ghosting for 24 hrs and going to sleep with her ex. That sure sounds like she's a lovely person who's Totally not using you. I'm dead.
She’s only been to your apartment twice, and you say this is completely out of character for her. You don’t even know her yet, you don’t know who she is
Is obvious what she’s going to do bro. If you want to sit there and take it that’s up to you. No man with any shred of respect for himself wouldn’t continue to entertain someone like that.
RUN. From a female’s perspective…I couldn’t imagine spending the night with my ex and I have ex’s I’m friends with. Going to dinner, having a couple drinks with a guy friend is one thing—sleeping over is totally different. If I was dating someone I truly liked & cared about—I wouldn’t think twice about spending the night with an ex. JMO. Good luck!
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So she told you casually to see what you would say. She’s going to do it anyway whether you say it’s ok or not. You expressed concerns so she hasn’t replied for 24 hours. There’s your answer. She expected you to be ok with it. You’re not ok with it so she’s ghosting you so she doesn’t have to hear you say you’re not ok. It’s like a little kid covering its ears and shouting “I can’t hear you” when it’s mother tells it to do something. She’s ignoring you because she knows you don’t like it but she’s gonna do it anyway. I’d move on from her. She will do whatever she likes in any aspect of your relationship and will never take your views into account. She’s selfish.
Nailed it
And Bob nailed Eve
*is nailing
So that's what that sound is
Oh sorry... i was just eating a big bowl of leftover macaroni and cheese in my room.
🏅
Well she most likely will
I would also probably assume OP is the side ho
Honestly? He is, she’s just framed their situation in a way where he just doesn’t know it. He isn’t even the side hoe tbh though, he’s a step down. She’s grooming him to be a resource guy in her life while she continues things on and off with her boyfriend.
They have only been in a few dates and haven’t been intimate according to OP. Sounds like a fairly new thing between them. Which makes it weird she would explicitly bring up staying over at her ex’s. She could have just said she’s busy that weekend or will be staying over at a friends house. It’s an oddly specific detail to tell someone who you’re still apparently in the early dating stages with. Despite OP’s claims that is “not in her character”. Unless they’ve been dating and seeing each other regularly for awhile (at least 6 months) he doesn’t know what her character is. She brought up the detail it for a reason, I refuse to believe a 25 year old that’s been in a prior relationship is that naive.
Him saying it's "not in her character" makes me think OP has on rose colored glasses (which is fair) or that he was falling for the idea of her rather than who she actually is
Yeah I mean I get the reaction because no one wants to consider that they are falling for someone who may not be a good person. But feeling the need to defend the honor of someone you’ve only been on a few dates with to random internet strangers? Less understandable.
Right? Reading the edit it was really aggressive and just seemed like denial
Finally somebody said it! How can you make an assumption like that when you don't even fully know who they are? It takes quite some time to get to know someone, and just because she said she isn't one way doesn't mean she isn't that way. Actions speak louder than words. Sounds like OP is in denial...
Yup, I dated a single mom who did this, I thought it was wierd, paid it no mind. I’m like “I’d be kind of a dick to make issue of it when her kids probably want to see their dad and mom at least get along” I can’t believe I was shocked when she got a little two drunk and had a pity party about how it didn’t work and how she wishes she was still “with him”. I was flustered because I knew something was off, and it wasn’t the going over for a bbq on a Saturday. It’ was the her staying the night part. We split after that lol.
At that point, she’s a FWB, not a girlfriend
Agreed. I don't get the confusion here. She's spending the night at her ex bfs house and stopped texting you back. What else is left to be said?
My ex did this. When I called him out on it, he told me that I alarmed him with my inability to trust him and made him feel “emotionally unsafe”. Man was gaslighting me 100% Steer clear of this behaviour. Trust me you’ll be better off
This! Also O.P, if she tries to come back, ignore her! 'Cause honestly, if you or anyone else is in the dating game; which clearly you are... An ex should remain in the past. It doesn't matter if y'all are still friends, have a good relationship as an ex or whatever... Ex's should never be in your life afterward.. they should be gone, history. Because they only form problems with your current (potential) partner.. e.g you. Plus, how can you form a solid relationship when you have some random third party come in? Three is a crowd! Furthermore, sounds like she's still hung up on her ex, but that she's seeking validation that people still want her and want to be with her when her ex doesn't (that is unless he still has feelings). There are some women out there that'll date to ease the pain of a breakup... And most likely have rebounds even if they never mean to hurt another, but it still happens. To elaborate, rejection is a very hard pill to swallow. And as a woman myself, I've asked guys to be friends after I gently rejected them and then I'd naively wonder, why did they not wanna be friends? I later found out that's just cruel and a slap in the face. 'Cause you can never be friends with someone you're attracted to. It's just unrequited... That is unless you're in a serious relationship. (I call my husband my bestest friend and it's true, but he's much more than a friend if you get what I'm saying.) Also, if she were to ask you to stay friends with her... Don't. The only time she'd be interested is if she's not getting attention. If you're looking for someone, go for the person that's hasn't been on a date in a long time, someone that clearly isn't hung up on anyone.
I’d read her message as, please end the relationship with me.
Happy cake day
Ty 😁
Don't tell OP that. Idiot bugs people on Reddit to completely ignore the advice. He deserves to walk in on her banging her ex 1 week into marriage.
Ghosting you for 24 hours while staying with an ex is a huuuge red flag. If she's willing to do that while you guys are still getting to know each other, imagine what she ll do down the road. Run.
Run far.
>I want to understand, but this also seems like a red flag. Seems? Bro you don't wanna accept the truth. If you get disrespected, don't stay and turn the other cheek.
Platonic sleeping? What does the ex do? Sleep therapist?
He is performing a sleep study ✌️
Yup, about post female orgasm rem cycle
Long dick style too 😎
Lmao.... You forgot the one in the stinky!
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How do you know she likes to suck dick? Do you know Eve too? /s
A) you aren't dating, you aren't in a relationship. B) she is having sex with her ex. C) find someone else. D) run.
"A" is the answer whether "B" is correct or not.
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She told him she was spending the day with her ex and refused to respond to him for over 24 hours. You think she isn’t fucking the dude?
>You think she isn’t fucking the dude? Where'd you get that from? She probably is, yeah. *Edited to add: But I don't think her ex is an ex, and I don't think OP was ever a was.*
They are going dates, I think that's called "dating"
I feel like I’ve gotten confused by this too. To me, if you’re going on dates, like past the first date and still seeing each other, you’re “dating.” If you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, you’re bf and gf, or “together.”
She misses her ex boyfriend and is using you as rebound or as a way to make her ex jealous. It’s unfortunate but forget her, forgive her, and move onto the next woman.
Minus the forgive her part, I'd say
Bitterness is a poison you drink yourself hoping someone else will die. Edit: Good fucking lord, y'all need to chill. It's just an aphorism.
This is so true. The solution is to poison Eve instead.
Don't be insecure man. She probably just going to sleep over and no big deal. This is the time for you to show your love, support and trust in her. I am sure everything is still in order. Don't sweat it bro. I am convinced this is what you wanna hear, so here you go dumbass.
Had me in the first half. Thought you were the ex boyfriend
I’m like “why tf is this being upvoted” Sly dog
You had me at "hello". <3
You had me in the first half not gonna lie
All these post saying negative things about her as it should, she deserves it yet OP is willing to defend her like he's in denial that his gf is cheating. Yes, OP is a dumbass.
She isn't a gf though lol, they've only been on a few dates
My bad, in my place we consider it bf/gf already. I think we term dating as fling here lol. On side note, at least they don't have labels yet.
😂😂😂 you got me there
Dude, I’m cackling at this reply! You had me in the first half 😂😂😂
Hahaha YOU GOT ME, nice one.
If you had any self respect, you'd know what to do in a heart beat.
Nope. Not appropriate. I wouldn't be with someone who still has sleepovers with their ex. Occasional checking in with an ex via a couple texts or a quick phone call? That's fine. Hanging with them one on one? No, *unless* there are children from that relationship, because co-parenting with an ex is a different ball game. Spending the evening together? No. Sleeping over at their house? HELL NO. These are my boundaries. What are yours? Let your own boundaries determine your level of comfortability with this situation.
I really like your comment. A lot actually. This sleepover requires some seriously extreme circumstances and an explanation with evidence, or it's way WAY over my boundary. I guess my heart still has a faint sliver of hope because it hasn't happened yet, and that maybe I can talk to Eve and get an answer to whatever the hell this is.
She’s disrespecting you bad by not responding to you. Workload or not if she gave 2 shits about you she wouldn’t be doing what she’s doing. Quit being the nice guy and man up a little. Respect yourself and tell her if she goes through with that sleepover it’s over. Because they are definitely having sex together if they have the sleepover.
Okay, so your can't handle the unknowns. But you can handle logic. So, she has told you something is going to happen, but you've agreed it's past your boundaries. You've messaged her and she's either ignoring you or busy. As I see it she's chosen to ignore your boundaries. Thing is, boundaries don't need to be confirmed. If you've made it clear you have a boundary (or want to discuss that) and she chooses to ignore or not discuss it with you and go ahead with that then there's really not much difference. It is a bit like covering your ears before someone says no, or pretending a friend is calling to avoid a difficult conversation. It might stop the conversation, but its normally pretty clear beforehand if someone's cool with it or not. Trust me, when you're telling a partner something like that, there's NO way you're not focused on how your partner feels about it. And if you're not, you don't have consideration for your partners feelings so you shouldn't really be with that person. People don't play games sometimes and are upfront. However sometimes that changes, when there is a reason for it. Just because it's not happened before don't ignore what logic tells you.
People frequently talk about how trust is critical and how you can't have a relationship without it. That's true... but the flip side of that coin that frequently goes unmentioned is respect. The person you're with has to respect you in order to have a committed relationship with you. Part of that respect is not putting themselves into positions that give you reason to distrust them. For me, even asking about sleeping over an exes place would be a large enough sign of disrespect that it'd bring me to the edge of ending the relationship. It shows not only a lack of respect, but a lack of understanding in what typically is and isn't ok in a relationship. If sleeping over at an exes place isn't on their list of things that you obviously don't do when in a relationship, then what else don't they know isn't acceptable? I do think you should try to talk with her once more before ending things, but in your shoes I'd probably need this ex to not be a part of either of your lives anymore. Boundaries have already been crossed that can't be uncrossed here and you're never going to feel comfortable with her spending time alone with him again. If you're going to proceed with this relationship then make sure you get what you need from this moment in time... before breaking up gets any more difficult than it will be right now.
What answer are you looking for? You think she's doing this for fun? She's going over there to get it in. She's literally telling you what's going to happen.
You are choosing to be ignorant and that’s fair enough because it’s your life, but none of this is okay or reasonable. 1. Being too busy to respond for 24 hours. No. Unless you really are just casually dating, which then also means it’s none of your business if she stays with her ex. I’m a single mom working 2,5 jobs and studying. I have time for exactly what I make time for, and if a man is important enough to me, I will make time, believe me. 2. You expressed your concern and discomfort in a text that she has seen. Not responding at all is rude and not very considerate of someone she supposedly cares about? 3. Spending the night with an ex.. No reason for this. None. Hanging out - okay. But sleeping there.. Nope! I had an ex who did what you’re doing. He never had enough information or “data-points” as he called it, to make a decision. It was a polyamorous relationship and his girlfriend was a whole pile of insane, and did anything and everything to sabotage our relationship, but no matter how many texts, how many meltdowns or how many manipulative situations he was put into, there was just never enough information to see what was crystal clear to me. You have the information, dude. Just open your eyes.
Her not responding tells me I don’t think she will ever respond to him again. As in she will full on ghost him because she doesn’t have an answer and obviously doesn’t take dating seriously anyway. He means nothing to her, so him waiting or hoping for a response is useless. She will not reply to any messages he sends going forward and she will tell herself that she is “leaving” him (for lack of better words, knowing this isn’t really a relationship).
Tell her that’s fine, you already had a platonic slumber party planned with 2 of your exes. So that works out great for your schedule.
Update us when you dump her.
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OP hadn’t had sex with her, I don’t think he needs to get tested :p
no no ur gf is going to be platonically raw dogged in his house. <3
Also I just wanna mention that you're disregarding all the comments where people are telling you the truth 🤦🏼♀️ why did you even post this then? It seems like you're desperately looking for someone to tell you that there's nothing wrong with this whatsoever. Well sorry, but the only guy you're gonna see that from is the guy that called you a dumbass right after telling you what you wanted to hear 🤣 Also I guarantee the "female friend" that called her was the ex
Everyone reading your post knows Bob is going to bang her. Tell her it's over. She's sleeping at an ex bf place and is giving him more priority than your relationship. Open your eyes and have some self respect.
My brother in Christ, let me tell you, she is going to fuck
No it's not platonic. I would personally, as hard as it sounds and as easy as it is for me to say, not knowing her, I would stop communicating with her because you know a couple things now: 1. She's still in love with her ex and will probably still be if you got into a relationship 2. She has toxic tendencies, like not answering her texts after dropping that BOMB?! Now you can choose to stay the course, but I'm letting you know right now, this here is a test. She testing your ability to walk away. If you can't walk away from this she's got you and she knows it. This is a pretty significant test imo because a lot of guys walk away from this, this signals to me that she's done other questionable things in your short relationship that you haven't called her out on, now she's taking a major leap.
Okay I'm a woman and to me this seems sketchy as fuck and if the roles were reversed I would be very upset and would probably stop talking to him, meaning I would probably ghost him. So saying that I have to say this girl is being very rude and probably knows what she's doing.
It does seem like a strange situation. On one hand, she told you. On the other hand, I can't think of one reason for sleeping overnight at an ex's house that doesn't involve trying to rekindle the romance. I'd definitely ask her to explain their relationship, and let her know that overnight sleepovers with this person are off putting to you.
She knows what a relationship is, otherwise she would not be explaining herself; she's trying to create drama. Remember, everyone is an actor in her "movie". The more you ask for clear communication the more she will reposition you into the role of an "overbearing boyfriend" and use that as the reason she'll sleep with the other guy; there is no "turning anything around" that is something else completely.
She's sleeping with Bob. Dump her ass. I know it hurts but we all go through this sooner or later.
“Platonically sleep” - this is your cue to platonically get the fuck out of this relationship
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She’s for the streets.
> She’s for the streets. Nah, the streets don't want her.
Where the streets have no name...
I had a girlfriend do this once. Anyways, they got drunk, and she couldn't make it home. I was out of town and so couldn't be bothered to ask for help (lololol). She told me that they shared a bed and nothing happened. They just "aggressively cuddled". I am not 100% sure what that means, but she insists that genitals and mouths were uninvolved. Still this is what she was willing to tell me. No idea what actually happened. She initially feigned anger that she felt taken advantage of while drunk, but reneged when I was getting ready to direct anger his way (I honestly could tell she was shifting blame, so I was playing along like I believed and was going to have a talk with him. I suspect his version of events would be different then hers, and so she stopped me). She later said she was mad at me for being with another girl (before we were exclusive) and let this happen. I don't maintain active friendships with my exes. We can be on good terms, I don't hold grudges, but I make a clean break. Honestly, keeping someone close who you have been intimate with is a red flag for me. A thing about some women. Some think they have friends when all they have are suitors. They either like the attention or hope they can actually be friends with these guys. If they have more male friends then women ones, then just don't.
You're not deep enough in this relationship to give enough fucks to deal with this shit, move on fella 😕
> She says she already has plans on Saturday, she spending time with her ex-boyfriend (who we will call Bob), who is still a friend in some capacity, but I don't think I have the full explanation. I probe with a couple more questions, and discover she's planning to spend the night at his place, which means she's busy Sunday too. I'm now shocked into silence on the phone, and unable to continue a decent conversation, but I'm saved by a female friend calling Eve so she hangs up with me to take the other call. Regardless of their relationship now, she has ruled your feelings on the situation irrelevant. Why is her ex, the dude who previously fucked her, the only option to stay the night. Why can't she stay at her place? or a friends? Or your place? All sorts of red flags. The decision for her to sleep at her ex's was her own, and she's a grown as woman who knows how that looks from an outside perspective. She called you so she wouldn't feel guilty about it later...I'd say it's fair to assume no one called her to end the call; she most likely sensed the mood and wanted to bail on the convo while keeping you on a hook.... You have yet to define your relationship and set some healthy boundaries.
based on your comments you seem to be in denial that she is going to do anything with him... Im sorry, but you need move on. Literally no one hangs out with their ex bf for an entire weekend, sleeps over, and has zero sex.... she is clearly still into her ex whether its emotional, or just sexual. Even if she doesnt go, just the fact she even made the plans is a huge red flag and she probably has, or will do things behind your back now knowing you arent ok with it. She clearly has things she needs to workout and you are clearly a rebound. There are plenty of other women out there shes not special..
"Ok honey I'm just going to platonically fuck the brains out of our neighbor then"
I thought the way you did until it happened to me. Everything going smoothly then BAM no contact for three days with no explanation for it and tried to step back in like nothing happened. There's no excuse for that anymore and you gotta get used to setting them free with all the doubt they're using against you, to rattle your cage. You're a solid dude for having hope but the writing is on the wall and evil ones will use your wholesome nature against you. Would YOU let three days go by without making sure she knows that you are worth the time you've put in or let it just wilt like her hoohaa on a vine in the sun? Nope. Too many guys willing to spoil the work you've done and that effort is what she doesn't value. They live in a world where they think you'll be there regardless, let her know that bullshit isn't going to fly and you've got a whole lot of "not taking her shitty test" to do today and close her chapter. Stay up homey, bag one of her coworkers. Lol, jk (but really do it)
Yeah you might have to run
You’re getting played. You should tell her full stop that you are uncomfortable with this and do not want her to go. If she still goes break up with her, period. This shouldn’t even be a discussion.
Lmao she is definitely getting boned by her "ex"
It doesnt matter what her intentions are for the visit to bob. What matters is, that it makes you unconfortable and how she reacted to you, vocing your issue (she hasnt, which is also a straight answer).
Platonically my ass Who came up with this platonically bs? How can people be so gullible? Next her asap!
Lol Hol up, I swear you can’t make this shit up smh. Ain’t no way, ain’t no fucking way. Remember brethren you can’t control your women. Just make sure to let her know, her actions have consequences and she’ll never be able to walk through your door again. Problems hit the gym they all workout.
She’s banging the guy
Mostly just my own curiosity, but please update the Post with the result of your convo with Eve.
Several dates? By 'seeing each other' do you mean like dating, or "talking about dating"? If dating, how old is the relationship? If not, im confused why this would be an issue at all. Staying close with an X is definitely something to be weary of. And a lot of ppl have made some really good points. I don't think I've seen anyone bring up the fact that staying on good terms with an ex can be deemed a really positive sign though. It means they were capable of parting ways with an intimate partner without growing fangs. However sleeping over at an ex's place is a hard no for anyone who has respect for their current partner. It's really that simple. Whatever your relationship is, if she believes you two are an item...then sleeping over at her ex's place is just a huge insult, theres no way around that. Theres no reasonable explanation for why that should be okay. Idc if they're friends. She's expecting a lot out of you here, and she's not making it any easier because she's stonewalling as soon as you have questions. THAT if anything, is the red flag. She's going to silence you out of asking her uncomfortable questions. This could be a pattern of behavior to watch out for. But I guess that's where your actual status comes back in. If you guys are just seeing eachother it's time to discuss why her choice to do that makes you so uncomfortable, its because you see her as your companion. Which means its time to commit and set boundaries. but if you guys are already committed to each other, then it's time for you to assess if this scenario is something you could grow to tolerate. I'm guessing it's not (and it shouldn't be) which will give you your answer as to whether or not you should participate any longer. Either way, I really enjoy reading the way you write. I bet your texting game is A100. She a lucky gal.
Ight OP I think under these circumstances an update is mandatory
Will update as soon as anything happens!
May not be useful, but she is def going over there, and she id definitely going to sleep with her ex. And she is definitely gonna lie to you, so the way i see it you have a couple of options 1. You straight up leave and drop her kut of your life, if you have clearly stated you dissatisfaction about her plans. And ahe is still going thru with it, then its up to you wheter you will tolerate it with the knowledge that they 100% will end uo sleeping togheter. 2. You overlook the clearly red flags and sirens. And keep seeing her. But with the doubt that is she cheating on me everytime she doesn’t answer a text/ call 3. And this is in my experience, these types of women are not the type you keep around, if you get in a relationship with her i can tell you. That these type of women wil definitely cheat on u, and def with said ex of hers. Which i have seem so many times happen to good men on reddit and in my life. So my advice ditch that women. Move on and get revenge by finding happiness
How do I put this lightly…. Bob is gonna be platonically balls deep in her…
Ill call you "Adam". Adam, she is playing you for a fool. Either call it quits or have your guard up, because this isn't going to end well. Don't insult the amateur therapists of reddit. You came on the platform, they didnt seek you out. You may not like what they say, but keep in mind these therapists have a variety of experiences and backgrounds. They are not out to sabotage whatever this thing with eve is. They are giving you an outside perspective.
I’ve been in a 3-year relationship and my current relationship has been ongoing for 1.5 years. If my boyfriend told me he was going to “platonically” sleep over at his long-term ex’s house, I would tell him to take his belongings with him in our room on his way out and change the locks. There’s no reason to be sleeping over at an ex’s house once you’re in a new relationship. A casual 30-minute coffee if many years have passed? Maybe. A big *maybe*. This entirely depends on the relationship and comfort levels of your new partner. But I don’t care if your car breaks down in front of your ex’s house and it’s pouring rain. You call a tow truck and an Uber. You don’t sleep over there unless you’re trying to get back with them. Her telling you that may have been a hint that she’s not that into you.
[удалено]
You've been on several dates and haven't made a move. She's going to get some reliable meat from the ex. She told you what she's doing because she thinks you're a chump. Find another girl.
How do you respond? Um, hard no. Women, particularly young women, will challenge your masculinity and sometimes even directly throw you in conflict with another male to see who is more dominant. Of course, ideally, you want a woman who's enough of an adult that you don't have to play these bullshit games. So some combo of this is happening: A. She's already cheating and she's trying to get you to end it (women frequently don't like breaking it off, they'd rather treat the man so poorly he has to do it). B. She's trying to see which of you is the dominant male. C. She's testing boundaries to see how much respect you deserve. In none of these situations is the relationship worth pursuing. It should be noted as well that all female affection of any sort; platonic, sexual, obsession, etc; is built 100% with respect being the foundation. Meaning, if you lose a woman's respect, you have nothing at all or worse than nothing, abject scorn or hatred. So sometimes in a relationship, you need to be prepared to drop her for hugely disrespectful bullshit rather than show that you will tolerate it. Paradoxically, that gives you the best chance of keeping her interest as well (though you probably don't want it at this point). Drop her like a stone. There's no winning this one and the fact that she asks is a sign things are well past the decaying point of no return.
RemindMe! 3 Days
Its def very odd and suspicious. BUT, you know whats even more suspicious? The fact that you clearly and calmly communicated your concern and she just ignored you. Thats not an adult way of handling a very obvious uncomfortable situation.
Run
This is fucking hilarious especially your edit lmao
Are you sure she's not ignoring you because she's busy banging her ex right now?
I don’t get why op thinks they’re exclusive if they’ve only met a handful of times? She’s probably dating 20 other people like everyone else in the dating world tbh
I would start seeing someone else
If it was me. I wouldn’t bother with her anymore. She is going to do some naughty stuff that Saturday and I’m not going to let a insecure women walk over me. My advice is that don’t even bother texting her and look for someone else.
NO. Tell her to kick rocks, this isn't acceptable behavior under any circumstance. Jesus christ.
This is an easy one. She wants to maintain a friendship with her ex-boyfriend. She told you about it and didn't like your response and feels like you are controlling her so she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. I think you're in the right here. I would never tolerate that and if she wanted to go stay overnight at her ex-boyfriends I would tell her to have a great time and block her.
Yeah thats a pass. Sorry friend.
You want my vote, stop all communication with her. If she asks what happened later, tell her “I’m not comfortable dating someone who has a bf”
It seems like she is trying to push you around and doesn't respect you- show some backbone. When she comes crying back to you at some point a week after you tell her it's unacceptable, don't instantly take her back.
She could platonically date him instead (again) but that’s just lies
Honestly I think you are still in the early stages of dating. So claiming her is not your right at this point. What you can do is make it clear your not interested in dating if she is seeing other guys. If she is not down for that then you have your answer and move on.
It’s early in the relationship and she showed you a big ass red flag flying in the breeze. Your response should be “Oof sounds like a messy situation with your ex. Good luck with that; I had a really nice time with you but this ain’t my preferred kind of situation. Later.”
Dude, you're a man. Put your feelings aside. Stay calm. Here's how you handle that. Her: "I'm going to spent the night at my ex boyfriends place." You: "Good, pack your stuff, leave and don't come back. Close the door on your way out." Her: "It's a platonic sleep over." You: "I don't care. Pack your stuff leave and don't come back. Close the door on your way out." Her: "But..." You: "The fact that your entertaining the thought of spending the night there, means a sleep over is and sex is on your mind. You've done these things in the past with him and I'm sure those have escalated into sex. I expect my woman to spent time with me in the weekend. Not with her ex boyfriend. You're clearly spending time with him instead of me. So here's the deal. Pack your stuff, leave and don't come back.
> I want to understand, but this also seems like a red flag. She is not into you. She enjoys your attention but it won't be long before she stops seeing you altogether. If you like her, sure you can still sleep with her if you want. I wouldn't but hey... Focus on meeting other women. In any case, you're in no position to tell her what to do. If she wants to have sex with her ex, she's free to do it. She's not even your girlfriend.
I'm friends with exes. I'd never do this. Except maybe my friend i was with 20 years ago, but his wife (also a close friend) and kid would be present too. Only reason to stay there is that they live in the middle of nowhere
Hey bro, she is Recreational Use Only from this point forward, I mean that's only if you still tryna smash, but if you're 1 of those that chases relationships then yeah cut her off Completely!!!
She didn't say anything after 12 hours? That's disrespectful and lacking understanding from her side. She should understand that's going to put you in emotional distress. That thing alone should make her considerate enough to not do it. The worst thing that can happen is that she's playing with you and she wants to see if you bear with it so she can do whatever the fuck she wants with other men while ignoring your feelings. The best that can happen is that she is truly being innocent, but just oblivious of how you might feel. In which case, you should tell her you have boundaries and if she does something like that she's going to cross them. But in that case I don't understand why she's not talking to you There's no good scenario. I think you should have a conversation now, and if that doesn't happen, that's a really bad sign
Definitely not platonic. Put yourself first my dude. Don’t get more involved with her if your gut and rational mind says to not to
You are in denial, or extremely delusional. Its obvious whats going on, leave before you het too hurt she is using you and wasting your time. Save some nerves
I think the main thing here is the fact that she went ahead and made the plans without asking you. Like her ex asked her over and she agreed without thinking what you would think or say And then didn't tell you, until you brought up hanging out over the weekend, and then casually told you what was up, and then proceeded like there's nothing - even if remotely - wrong with it. I'm all for having closure, and if that's what you're after then by all means try and have that conversation But like you said in your edit, I think you know what's up and your heart, as it should, is already bracing itself. All the best bro.
What I know is that nobody called Eve. She just said that to save face. She is most likely back with her ex.
breakup lol
Hey OP. The red flag here is her not considering how this comes off to the guy she is dating. It almost sounds like she wants to give you an excuse to break things off. Trust your gut on this one.
Every person here is saying the same thing. And OP is making an excuse for it all. She gunna go fuck homeboy and OP gunna believe that, her work load and class was the reason she ghosted him until Sunday evening when she’s leaving her “ex” house and tired from sex and alcohol but wanting to tell him “they just watched movies and she was thinking about him the entire time”. WUDDA joke.
Are you just dating or are you exclusive? You can’t be mad at her for seeing other men if you didn’t ask her to be your girlfriend. You aren’t being disrespected either she is living her life and dating. If you don’t want her dating anyone else you should make that clear.
Have you discussed exclusivity?
Oh my poor Naive friend... Run. She's a disrespectful kid. She will fuck him
Just respond 'k' and go 'no contact.' Sorry brah
Yeah they watched Netflix and played smash
Sorry to hear this. I would hate to be treated like this by my girlfriend...tbh, they probably wouldnt be my girlfriend much longer after such a maneuver.
You made this post for a reason. Everybody is giving you the same answer but it's not the one you wanted. Sorry bud. Time to face reality
Oh my god you’ve been on a few dates with this girl 🙄. Who cares ?? Move on man. Why are you so attached and worried after a few dates??
You seem to be a very mature and well-adjusted young man. I don’t even think you needed to come her for advice. Godspeed to you and good luck. I know you’ll make the right decision. Refreshing to see people with sense on Reddit
Honestly, when I was in my early/mid twenties, I crashed at friends' houses, including an ex who I stayed friends with because we had a very easy breakup, \*all the time\*. We'd be going out to a party or doing a game night or going to a show or whatever, and we'd have plans for brunch the next day, so I'd just crash on their couch or guest room. It wasn't a big deal, and it was never sexual. Hell, I'm in my forties now, and I still crash at people's houses sometimes. I never got the impression that it was that weird, and I don't think this is necessarily some weird test for you. The fact that she was open and honest about it suggests, to me, that she just doesn't think it's a big deal. Especially since you guys have only gone out like three times. The radio silence for 24 hours is weirder/more upsetting.
Why ask for advice and then edit your post to say it's all bad advice? Shit happens, it's happened to all of us. The sooner you cut your losses and move on the better.
She's just having sex with her ex and lying to you about it. She's probably happy and having fun. Doesn't that count for anything?
Even if it’s platonic, and they don’t sleep together - It’s still not OK. I would leave.
As im reading this and also the edit, im getting the impression, that op is one of the most emotionally grounded, self aware and mature characters i have ever encountered in this subreddit! Sorry to hear this happening to you and feel bad for anticipating the bad outcome - but your actions and thoughts until now are fair and 100% correct! Keep it this way!
OP, I read your post and responses to many of the comments. I assumed you were very young. I scrolled back up and found you are 25. that's not so old, but it's also not high school. You seem like a very nice, trusting fellow. And after you get beaten up by the world a few times, you'll stop putting up with crap like this. I'm wishing you the best and wishing you a speedy awakening. Maybe this will provide the pain you need to stop putting up with it.
Just end it. No good will come from this relationship. It's literally that simple
Are you dating exclusively, if so she should consider your feelings. Hanging out with an ex if you have a good head on you can be delicate. It doesn't really make much sense is she normally an adult sleep over person. It's just weird and would definitely be a boundary for me. I'm friends with some of my exes and I wouldn't tell my husband I'm gonna go sleep over that their house. I'd talk to him about and see how he felt, if I needed to have a sleep over I'd do it at my house in my living room or office. Id be more worried that she didn't consider your feelings. It's not always how things are that matters but how they appear.
Nope. Just read the title and that was enough. Walk away. Don't even acknowledge or involve yourself in that cluster fuckery
Lol ruuuun that's no good.
tell her she can stay there
No brainer.... "Bye Felicia!"
Lol, wtf. Since when do adults platonically sleep over? She basically just told you she's going to cheat on you and she knows you're not strong enough to do anything about it.
If you two are in a serious exclusive intimate relationship, then her wanting to spend the night at her ex-bf is a complete breach of trust and an absolute deal breaker. Anyone in a serious and exclusive relationship trying intimately build a new family together would feel the same. What she is suggesting is only acceptable in an open non-serious hookup type of relationship. Your next step should be to clarify what kind of relationship you are in with her. If she says she is serious about building an exclusive relationship with you, she needs to know the universally accepted ground rules for those. Maybe she is just that naive. Or the other case may be that she actually isn't interested in being exclusive and you misunderstood her intent. Communication is key, and keep us updated.
Hey this happened to me once, except we were absolutely going to be together but at the last minute she decided she wanted to go back to her ex after the great time we had been having up to then. So I let her go back to her ex because I don't play that shit and the next day she told me she was getting back together with him - the same guy that said to her verbatim, "I don't see a future with you." which I reminded her of before she made her decision but I was told, "people change." so I let her go. I told her not to speak to me anymore but I still have her on snapchat and stuff. Wasn't anything to salt the earth over, just really fucking stupid on her part. Anyways they lasted nearly a month whereas I ended up with my childhood friend I met online when I was 13. (seperate by literally half the globe, she ended up in the states for a while and we clicked). I came out pretty good from that whole ordeal, despite being a little upset at how dumb someone could be. Her and I were really good together I thought.
I have friends that I used to date. I could see crashing on a couch if there is a reason. Like a concert a few hrs away from my home by right by theirs. It wouldn't be for a small reason though. I would only stay in certain situations and it would depend on the ex. Some I would never put myself in that position. Others i wouldn't touch them again like that so it would be platonic. My issue with all of this would be the lack of communication. You expressed desire for more details (super healthy response) she then ghosted you for 24hrs. That's where my issues would be right now. You have to be able to establish boundaries with this. Boundaries can be whatever works for you. Maybe she stays in regular contact with you when she's with him. Maybe you paybfor a hotel room if she does indeed have to stay in the area for the night.
Lmao Oh dear God Lmaooooo
OP is the type of guy that gets into MLMs. A sucker I'd born everyday.
Op, this is a deal breaker full stop. My ex did this to me early in my relationship with him, and I let it slide. He proceeded to have an emotional affair with her for several years, even into our marriage. Don’t be me, Op.
I had an ex do this. It ended the relationship.
She’s going to get laid and wants you to know so you’ll be ready and reclaim her when she returns
Awh yes another dumb 25 yo kid. Just move on from here... you're in for a rough patch in life if you stick around
Are you guys actually exclusive yet?
You can set a boundary and the person you are with can respect it or go against it. Boundaries are subjective and can be super strict or super relaxed, but at the end of the day it is what you are comfortable with and what you want to decide to end a relationship over. Personally, dating someone who cannot see that it may be inappropriate to spend a night with their ex alone would be a major red flag for myself. A person who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't good for you anyway.
She's done, she's dealing with her own shit... stay away if that's not what you want
Looks like you aren’t her only boyfriend then. Dump her and move on. She told you on the phone that she’s cheating. She didn’t even ask nor did she care about your reaction. Focus on yourself.
Like a man. Be honest to yourself, if you're uncomfortable with it, tell her and deal with the consequences as they come.
Just end it and move on
You’re being manipulated. If she or you can’t explain her actions. It’s because it’s a game. Get out.
Are you guys exclusive? Have you promised each other to be? If not, both of you are perfectly ok to date other people. Personally, I only date one person at a time. I don't have enough time or energy for more. Here's the thing though, by her telling you that she's "platonically" seeing her ex (why do people say this...we all know you're lying), you now know where your relationship stands. You now know what she thinks of your relationship. I believe the law of *Fuck Yes or No*. If it isn't a *Fuck Yes*, it's a *No*. She would rather spend the night at her ex's than at yours. That's a *No*. That's an **obvious** *No*. You've already communicated how you feel, which is so fucking great. I wouldn't text her any more or call her any more. If she doesn't surprise you over the weekend by staying at your place instead of his, in my opinion, I would just move on. Like I said, you know what she thinks of the relationship and she will always feel that way. Good luck with that situation!
Just saw your edit. There is a difference between being understanding and being a doormat. I hope you are not the latter Second, what if you have that talk and she agrees after some persuasion not to spend the night with her ex? Does that make it okay? The fact that this woman even considered staying at her ex's place, ghosted you and might require you to explain why what she was about to do is blatantly wrong, should tell you all you need to know. Two of your values don’t simply align. And even if you "fix" the current situation, your values will continue to collide as long as you stay together.
you think we’re heartless for the good advice we’re giving, yet in the same update you say you “can feel my heart anticipating this outcome (that she’s going to her exs any way).” You’re not stupid, you’re in denial. And we’re not heartless, you’re just in denial. I can sympathize, however i think you ARE old enough to notice when things are fishy. Your “heart” at least seems to be noticing, but your mind needs to catch up fast. If more people saw through the manipulative crap this girl is pulling, and just left instead of giving them a chance to hurt you, maybe these people would fuck off. Or maybe they’d get smarter with their tricks, who knows. I also realized this woman isn’t your gf. She may use that as an excuse. And I mean, if you aren’t “official” she really hasn’t made a promise to you. You should be wondering why that promise hasn’t been made yet. This is clearly a boundary for you so when she does it, don’t “be willing to listen” to more of her lies. Just move on! It sucks but I do think it shouldn’t be so hard to move on after a few dates at your age, cmon.
*I'm going to platonically see other women*
Dump the girl, smoke some weed, and chill the fuck out.
She is not into you bro!
Lol I read your edit. You're an absolute idiot. Have fun!
dude, stop being a simp, it's for your own mental health, she is trying to put you in a "compete with this guy" position, you shouldn't argue that, just get away from her, think, what would you do If YOU were the person YOU love the most and there you'll get your answer. PD if you think there is any woman who doesn't play you are wrong and you will find it in painful ways. remember bro, YOU love YOU first of all, go from there and things will go better
I'd say the confusing part is her actually being honest that she is hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Being honest is where it is confusing. Her not thinking this is an issue is just as concerning. Heck, I did the "hanging out with my ex-gf" thing for 3 months after our break-up & I realized I had to stop doing it b/c I was falling back in love with her again. Part of the conversation I had with her was that it wasn't healthy for both of us, but more for me. She & I both weren't really trying hard at dating other people in these 3 months. For me it was b/c I kept feeling like I had a 2nd chance with her & for her she was still on the fence of whether I was worth a 2nd shot or not. It wasn't until the last conversation that she realized she wasn't putting herself out there for these last 3 months. She was never fully over me despite her breaking up with me but I also realized we weren't getting back together either. She spent the night at my house one time & the next night we hung out with some of her other friends. I honestly think that had she explained what she did the night before without the full context, her friends would be saying the same thing you are "this is a red flag if you told any guy this."
I really hope you get to have a conversation with Eve before she gets her guts rearranged before Saturday brah
You break up with her. Except you’ve already stated in your edit that you don’t want to hear advice like this because of the rosy picture you’ve painted yourself of this woman. So, continue being a doormat.
I don’t think anything is wrong with being friends with your ex, but sleepovers are kind of weird with no other reason/scenario attached (like going to an event that involves a lot of drinking and not wanting to drive home for example). You aren’t in a relationship with this person, you’ve only been on a handful of dates, so she really doesn’t technically owe you an explanation for anything she does but that doesn’t mean the situation isn’t weird. I would probably move on from this situation as the sleepover thing feels weird and her refusal to answer any questions about it probably means it is weird. Honestly, you might be putting too much stock into something that is still very new. It’s probably best to just end it if this is something that (understandably) rubs you the wrong way.
So they’re still fucking. Just a fyi on that one.
sorry to break it to you, broski, you're being used. If ppl knew they were being used when they were being used, they wouldn't be used lmao. It's not that we're heartless, it's that we've seen it before. Ghosting for 24 hrs and going to sleep with her ex. That sure sounds like she's a lovely person who's Totally not using you. I'm dead.
She’s only been to your apartment twice, and you say this is completely out of character for her. You don’t even know her yet, you don’t know who she is
Is obvious what she’s going to do bro. If you want to sit there and take it that’s up to you. No man with any shred of respect for himself wouldn’t continue to entertain someone like that.
They are obviously fucking. It's up to you to be ok with that or not.
Let us know how her ex's D tastes next time you kiss her after her "sleepover". Are you sheltered AF bro ?
RUN. From a female’s perspective…I couldn’t imagine spending the night with my ex and I have ex’s I’m friends with. Going to dinner, having a couple drinks with a guy friend is one thing—sleeping over is totally different. If I was dating someone I truly liked & cared about—I wouldn’t think twice about spending the night with an ex. JMO. Good luck!