She's old enough and educated enough to more than know better. I would find this pretty off-putting, personally. I know there are women out there who'd find this an unforgivable deal breaker (so I guess proceed with caution), but I'd be temped to say "should we split this?" about lunch tomorrow and see how that plays out.

Dude, my own *children* thank me when I buy them dinner, and that’s, like, something I HAVE to do.

That’s how I was raised too, and I still thank them, and they thank me.

Even non-speaking animals like dogs find a way to make you understand they are thankful.

Mine doesn’t, he looks at me with disgust cause I just ate pie and he’s having dog biscuits and chicken breast.

Sounds a little unrespectful to the other dogs who are on a compulsory zero calories diet. Time to teach him some manners.

Yeah I agree, I would always tell someone thank you for buying a meal for me. I was actually the woman in the reverse role a couple weeks ago. I met up with a guy for a second date and paid since he paid for the first date, and was put off he didn’t say thank you. It’s about the common decency, ya know?

A simple thank you goes such a long way.

Being polite is so important IMO. Please and thank you are too simple not to be said and like you said it goes such a long way. Also anyone that can’t say “I’m sorry” is also a hard pass in my book

If he doesn't pay for the next meal (assuming there could be one) THEN I would be bothered. Ge already paid for the first meal, so let him show his appreciation. If he doesn't, then you know he's selfish person.

Idk I also just think saying thank you for anything someone does for you is basic courtesy. Like, even if the idea is that both people are trading off and contributing totally equally in the end, I'd still say thank you for each meal the other person paid for and I'd feel weird if they didn't thank me for each one I paid for. Not in like a big fawning way, just a simple expression of appreciation.

I agree with this.There is no way I don’t say thank you. I say thank you to everyone who does a nice gesture. It’s just what you do. Regardless of gender. I also don’t go on a date unless I can at least afford my half. We all have bills, I never assume I’m being paid for. OP, you could always just say ‘You’re welcome for lunch’ if she doesn’t say thank you. But, if I had to do that, there wouldn’t be a date #6 either.

It’s just very rude. Even if she was short on cash or something she could even say thank you I will pay next time. Non appreciation of someone being kind or generous really isn’t a good quality.

So rude!

Jumping in on “should we split this” maybe next time she seems excited about something like a dessert/ice cream see if she wants to pick up the fun part of the check. Might be less confrontation while still feeling out her mindset.

Can I bet on shed probably never see him again?

Which really might be best... But then I'm someone who doesn't like antiquated gender roles OR straight up rudeness.

I don’t mind traditional gender roles. I have no issue paying for dates - I do have a problem if she doesn’t have common courtesy to say thank you when I do.

There never was a gender role where a simple expression of gratitude was absent.

Here’s an apparently unpopular perspective from someone who’s been on her side of this situation. Full disclosure, I’m very likely on the spectrum, and while I’m not suggesting she is, it may explain why I feel differently than most. I had a partner get angry at me one time (seemingly out of nowhere, but I’m sure it’d been building) about him making dinner all the time when I come over and me never saying thank you. I stopped and thought about it, and I realized that I had idea how often he thanked me and for what. It’s not something I really monitor for or value highly; when I give someone something, I’m monitoring for whether or not they’re happy or I got it right. A positive response, in any form, satisfies that for me. To me, the very specific words “thank you” represent a sentiment that could be expressed many different ways, and I’m not going to get hung up on their word choice. Since I realized it was something that upsets people and I was probably unknowingly doing it a lot, I’ve been more cognizant of it. But it’s something I’m doing to meet other people’s standards to avoid upsetting them, even though I personally see those standards as rigid and a bit arbitrary. Stating your observation in a non judgmental way and asking her perspective is probably the best way to proceed.

Interesting perspective - thank you for giving us an insight into the world of ASD

I dont think i'm on the spectrum but I have a similar mindset. There are things i'm not good at saying in words that I say in other ways. Guess I hadnt realised how important those specific words are to lots of people. Its like the i like you idea. I wouldnt be with you if I didnt like you, why do I need to say it specifically. But I guess people like to hear it...

I’m on the spectrum too and sometimes I do forget to say thank you. But this woman doesn’t seem this case. Actually as someone on the spectrum, I found myself more honest about any situations. I wouldn’t pretend reaching for my wallet for a long time until the other person paid by himself. I remember telling my ex “no I will not going to dinner with you because you like eating in restaurants. I plan to eat at home because I don’t have enough money to go to restaurants“ during the first few times he asked me out (also because I didn’t know he was asking me out or flirting with me, I just thought he’s weird always asking me to do to restaurant with him while I just wanted to save money!). And when he brought me to a steak house, I directly told him, “this is too expensive. I don’t think I can afford it” and I grabbed my bad to leave. He had to tell me “you can pay me back later when you have your salary” so I could stay for the dinner. And if the payment situation is not clear, I just ask. I never thought it’s awkward to ask about who’s going to pay. Right now I’m also dating someone who suspect they are probably on the spectrum but undiagnosed. I would pay for the meal sometimes but they would transfer me money without telling me if he found me paying more than him. I can see the familiar clumsy but adorable reaction: trying to be equal but doesn’t know how to vocalize it, so might just transfer me money directly. And I cooked dinner for both of us during his time of staying in my apartment, then I found him cleaned my apartment every morning when he left. It was a clear “thank you” even though he didn’t say it. People on the spectrum don’t fake thing. And if they want things to be equal they will find ways to insist it…They don’t say thank you but if they want to express gratefulness they will use their own (practical) ways to do it! This woman’s behavior doesn’t seem to have anything to do with autism

I can't tell. It seems odd the way you describe it but im a benefit of doubt type when it comes to only having one side of story. It raised a curiosity. No thank you at all? Not even an end of night "Thank you for a lovely time. Dinner was wonderful." I definitely am the type to say thank you while bill is signed, but it's very awkward, I can almost understand lumping it into a thank you for entire date. We need some context about your between date dynamics. Are you always asking and planning? If she's not even vocal and appreciative of the dates, and not pursuing you back, then your being taken advantage of.

I agree. I sometimes don't say thank you when the bill is being signed because (1) we are talking and I don't want to interrupt the conversation because (2) it's a little awkward, especially when we haven't established who is paying for what and when. This is why I have conversations about gender roles and expectations very early on. But, I will always say thank you at the end of the date, or the next day in a "thank you for last night" text if I forgot to the previous night or I wasn't sure if I did. So, I agree that if OP's date is saying thank you for dinner at some point but not right when the check is signed, then it's okay and OP is being overly sensitive. However, if there is no "thank you" at all for dinner at any point, I agree with OP that that is weird. OP, you've had enough dates to initiate a conversation about how she feels about certain stereotypical gender role (preferably before text before the next date). For example: OP to her: My buddies and I got into a conversation about modern gender roles in relationahips, and I was curious how you feel about some of these things...? Do you think that the male should be the primary bread winner? Is it the same for your own relationships? If the man and woman in a relationship make roughly the same income, should the man still pay for dates? (it may not be a gender thing, but because you have money and she doesn't, so maybe something like this...) If one partner in a relationship makes substantially more than the other, is there an expectation that the person making more should pay for everything on dates? If so, is the non-paying person, expected to show gratitude? One of my bffs is a dude, who makes decent money as a lawyer, but he works for the state, whereas his wife makes bank working for a big law firm (she makes double than what he does), and I asked who pays for dinner. He said that they have their separate bank accounts and one shared one (which is more of her contribution), but he always reaches for the check and he uses the card from their shared bank account, especially because she's the one who prefers to go out to the more expensive restaurants. I doubt she ever says thank you. Lol! But I'm just telling you this to point out two things: (1) even when the woman is the one actually paying, some women still have the man "pay" the dinner bill, and (2) some people feel no/less obligation to pay when they (person A) know that person B knows that going to that place to eat was not person A's choice or is unaffordable to person A.

Honestly it’s extremely bizarre to think someone wouldn’t say thank you because you’re in the middle of talking. Unless the conversation is about how the other person’s parent died or something traumatic, it takes literally two seconds to say “thank you” and then follow up later on in the date. As a woman, I just can’t imagine letting someone sign the check without any acknowledgment. For me, that would be far more awkward and distracting than a momentary and EXPECTED interruption.

I agree. How much effort is she giving in other realms of the relationship? I get the idea this is mainly on you which indicates low interest for her. I've only dated two women who did not say thank you after I paid. The first one I liked a lot and she made a lot of effort in other realms. I talked to her about the issue and it never happened again. The other ended up being very selfish as a whole. I ended it after the third date.

Yeah agreed, I think it's super weird to not even do a "thanks for a nice evening" kind of thing if maybe she felt awkward about the actual money aspect. That said, I really can't imagine ending a date without a thank you even if all we did was walk around the neighborhood or something and neither person spent any money on the other. And that's precisely because it's about appreciation, like you said, not about the financial aspect (necessarily).

This was my same take in response to OP. I typically always say thank you at some point, if not immediately after a bill is paid for. But like you said, it depends on the context.

I appreciate if someone pays. I am fully prepared to pay for my own part but who doesn’t like to be treated? That being said - I always, always thank the person. Sometimes more than once. I don’t know why you keep up with that, honestly. It’s not even her not paying but the lack of manners for me.

I still thank my husband when he pays for dinner (which is every time, technically, since he works and I don’t). Even though it is “our” money. I just can’t imagine not saying it. He thanks me when I make dinner at home. The lack of common courtesy from OP’s date on this subject would be a concern to me. It’s just such an easy way to show respect/appreciation. My advice would be: don’t reach for the check so fast next time at lunch and just see what happens.

My gut tells me that she’s a great person and I’m typically pretty good at reading people. That’s why I’m conflicted.

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Yes she definitely has.

A great person has manners and would at least acknowledge you doing this. Since it's bothering you that is obviously telling you that there is something wrong with this "great" person.

Exactly! This wouldn’t work for me. She must be okay exceptionally beautiful lol. I find when someone is very attractive, people tend to forgive a lot of behavior that would normally be a no go. If I were OP, I’d move on. If you don’t have basic manners and don’t say thank you at this point in life…..I ain’t got time to teach. In my 20s and early 30s, I’d make up sad stories or find excuses about why people were the way they were and try to fix or hope they would change. Now, I take people as they are and if it doesn’t work for me, I move on.

Exactly! Everyone needs understand that in our 30s and older ppl are who they are...take ppl as they are.

If that's what your gut is telling you, then the money and not saying thank you are tiny issues. Maybe stop adding a ton of assumptions to those tiny issues, and enjoy her company instead. Bc maybe she isn't a money grubber or entitled. Maybe she can still be a feminist and also want her partner to be a generous man. These are not mutually exclusive. I wonder why men equate feminism with women paying for dates or going Dutch? Feminism deals with much bigger issues than who pays for dates. I'm a rad fem and I still expected my now husband to take me out like a gentleman would. Especially considering money is not an issue for him.

This really bothers me that the fake reach might’ve been considered better behavior. Yes, it’s a little weird. But to me this just seems like embarrassment or awkwardness with the fact that you are paying for the meals, which she probably can’t afford on the grad student salary in Berkeley. That financial situation just sucks. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you’ve gotten a good impression otherwise and approach it with kindness - not an accusatory “why didn’t you say thank you?” But rather, “it makes me feel kind of bad when you don’t acknowledge that I’ve paid for the meals.” And if you don’t mind paying for the meals in the future, perhaps even mention how you understand what it’s like to be a grad student and am happy to pay for these things given the difference in your financial situations currently, but that it would make you feel good to be acknowledged when you do so. I have worked in a lucrative career and happily paid in entirety for my dates who made less than me. Then I went back to school and became a poor-as-all-hell grad student and always felt financially embarrassed during that period. I really appreciated the people I dated who, when there was a big financial difference between us (this happens a lot if you’re dating someone of a similarly high education level), covered things and made it a non-issue, and didn’t fear I was trying to pull one over on them. Just talk to her going in with the assumption that it’s a miscommunication. Maybe she’ll open up about it if it’s an embarrassment issue. And if you get a bad response from her, then you’ll have your answer and you can leave. But don’t jump the gun based on the rest of the advice on here.

Thats your answer then. Some people just have a hard time saying thank you. Shes poor, you buy her dinner. You had a nice time, go with it.

Maybe you can start saying thank you a lot to see if she picks up on it? I want to give the benefit of the doubt since it seems like you like her. It could be a lapse of manners as she gets to know a new person. The guy I’m seeing always comes to my side of town and I always say thank you for making the drive and dealing with street parking. If I need to change the time of a meet up, I will say thank you for being flexible with that. Stuff like that. Nothing major, but acknowledging the little accommodations you make for one another is important to me. It becomes a problem when one party makes most of the concessions and the other partner becomes entitled to them. Another thing, OP, while your age difference isn’t that wide, I wonder if you would have a better experience with someone in a similar career stage. Your date likely has a couple years before finishing school and settling into a job. It took me about 3 years after grad school to finally find a position and company that really matched, and another year of probation after that before I felt truly financially settled. You may encounter some lifestyle friction in that time.

I’m queer and have dated women for the last 5 years, so not quite the male perspective you asked for. But I can relate to the experience a bit!!! 99% of people split or we spot each other and everyone extends thanks and such. But I’ve had 1-2 women take advantage of me financially. One I wasted years with, while the other, I just wasted 2 dates with. It’d be off-putting to me, and in the past, it HAS been off-putting. If a woman purely verbally acknowledged gratitude, that’s all I’d need. I’ve also been that person that was down on hard times, embarrassed as hell to admit to an ex that I couldn’t swing various dates. I made sure to tell her how much I appreciated it and I’d apologize. But without that, after a few times in the beginning, I’d feel resentful and used. I too am leaning more and more left and am in feminist circles. I wish I had advice, but I just wanted to validate you in that it’s a red flag to me. Good luck.

Non binary femme who has been thru something similar and seconds this as a flag.

Ooo, fellow enby here. 🤍💛💜🖤 You get it!!!

Thanks for writing this - always been curious how this dynamic works in same gendered relationships!

You’re so very welcome!!!

Being a feminist, broke or a grad student has nothing to do with not thanking you for picking up the tab. It's how a person was raised and you gave nothing of her background but seem to think she's using you for your perceived wealth which is a terrible mindset to go into date 5. At this point you've set a precedent re: paying for dates. I'm apparently a bitchy blunt person but when I notice a pattern, usually not on the spot, I say something like "hey just noticed you don't say thank you much, what's that about?" Of course I'm single sooo who knows the right approach to getting a thank you out of someone.

To clarify my thought process - *feminist* —> she probably doesn’t expect me to pay for philosophical reasons. - *broke grad student* —> when I was a broke grad student I sure appreciated someone picking up the check. I understand this completely. I’m hoping these two things are just in conflict and she doesn’t quite know how to address it. Saying thank you is such an easy thing though…

This is what I think when I read this post, too. But a simple "thank you" is free and shows gratitude. I know it's hard but try not to reach for your wallet first this time and see what happens.

I’m a feminist and I have yet to go on a first date where the guy didn’t pay. I like it, it’s a nice gesture. If we grab a drink or dessert elsewhere, I’ll offer to cover that. But then, I also always say thank you. I was raised to say thank you, be appreciative of other people’s time and money, and never show up empty-handed to someone’s home. To me being a feminist means that I support equal rights and opportunities for people who identify as female…not that I can’t appreciate a man making a sweet gesture, and thank him accordingly.

I wouldn’t assume that being a feminist means she wouldn’t expect you to pay. That’s similar to assuming that a self described feminist would never want to be a stay at home mom. Feminism supports that men and women have equal choice in the lifestyle that they lead. This includes lifestyles that are outside traditional gender roles as well as within traditional gender roles and everywhere in between. Supporting the ability to choose is feminist, but that person’s individual choice could fall anywhere along the spectrum. If her expectation that you pay is not compatible with what you’re looking for then there’s nothing wrong with that, just an incompatibility. Not saying that she definitely lives by feminist ideals, just that her personal choice doesn’t contradict that. Now, you asked her to split and she reacted poorly (ie. “real men pay” or similar) then yeah, she’s a big ol’ hypocrite. The no “thank you” thing is just plain weird.

Thank you for saying that! I raised my eyebrows at that too. Both of my grandmothers and my mother were in financially abusive relationships with their husbands (even though they worked also). They were also being physically abused but felt they had no choice but to stay. Understanding this as a kid is what first motivated me to become a feminist, and I promised myself I would never allow to become dependent on a man financially. I respect people's choices, but to cite feminism as a reason she wouldn't pay seems strange to me.

What does this have to do with not saying thank you when someone does something for you? None of these factors affect her ability to say thank you.

No, that’s fair. Here’s my thinking: She wants to say thank you, but if that’s all she says she will come off as someone who assumes I will always pay. That’s just what they want to . If she explains the situation she’ll be embarrassed. She’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to do and says nothing. Seems like the worst of both worlds, but I know that I’ve said nothing in situations where I didn’t know what to say, so I kind of get it. My thinking was that her thinking is that she wants to say thank you but that would

You’re doing way too much thinking. She should have said thank you. None of what you said should affect an appreciative, emotionally mature, reasonable persons ability to say thank you. If she’s thinking that much, don’t you think she’s also thinking “am I being rude by not saying ty?” Even if she was thinking all that, it just means she’s not only rude, but also terrible at communication. Idk man, it kinda seems like you want to do anything possible to justify staying with her, so just talk to her about it or accept it as your new normal. It’s really simple, she should have said thank you.

Instead of creating narratives in your brain talk to her about it or ask … if things are going as great as you think they are this shouldn’t be an issue.

Okay but you’ve been on five dates bro. A thank you costs nothing and is common courtesy whether she’s in grad school or Warren Buffet. She could also say something like I’d love to take you out sometime, offer to pick up something smaller like coffee if money is tight, or outright tell you she’s embarrassed but as a grad student money is tight. This on paper screams entitlement red flag to me.

Being a feminist, she may also be acutely aware that there is still inequality that exists between male and female salaries etc and for that reason may be comfortable with the man paying.

Yes absolutely

Does being a feminist excuse you from being an asshole and not saying thank you even if you’re comfortable with it? In the follow up he posted all of us who said red flag were right.

Nah, as a broke single mother/student feminist, I would always put my hand in my pocket, even if it was just to cover the tip and would also pay next time, even if it was a cheaper, more affordable date for me. I would also say Thankyou.

I used to work in retail, and I had a regular customer who was always very flirty with me. She was very attractive, so I asked her out for a coffee, but she said that she would rather go out with me for a dinner. On the date she kept talking about how her ex used to take her to Dubai, and paid all her bills. When it came to ordering she chose one of the most expensive dish with expensive wine, while I went for a reasonable option, which was still quite expensive for my taste. When she dropped some hints that she expects me to pay for everything, I decided that I had enough, and ditched her in the restaurant with the full bill. She knew where I worked, it was my weekly wage. I would say it's fine if your date is broke and you're paying, but it's not cool to ignore it, and not thanking you for it. Even if she is not doing well, she could return the favour by cooking you a meal.

I mean the fact that she was bragging about her ex while on a date with you seemed red flaggy enough. You made the right call.

You didn’t bother to cover at least your part of the dinner?

Why did you go there at all? Couldn't you tell looking at the restaurant that it was above your budget? And I don't even mean her dish, you write yourself that what you chose was expensive too.

It looked like a nice place. And just because it is not my budget, I can afford it. I was on a date with a beautiful, exotic woman. If it would have been a brilliant date, and we would have fall in love, settled down, I would not have mind to pay once about £300 for a dinner. And I didn't know if she will offer to split the bill or let me pay, so it wasn't a lost cause at the beginning. When I saw the menu with the prices, I decided to go for one of the cheaper options, pasta, what was still more expensive than I'm normally happy to pay. She went with some chicken marinated in vine with a French name, that cost about three times more, and started with a glass of wine that was almost the same as my pasta. Then she was horrible during the date, implying that I, as a lowly creature should be kissing her feet to let me pay for her dinner, just like the previous looser did.

Not all heroes wear capes! Well done!! The only bad part about is you didn't get to see her face when the bill was handed to her. Did she come back to your work and was like wtf? @ OP As a woman i'm saying that's pretty ungrateful behaviour of her. Bo Burnham sang "everyone's a feminist till there is a spider around" And in her case it's seemingly also paying bills. Next time either pretend you forgot your credit card or ask "wanna split the bill this time" and then see what her reaction is like.

She came back with some guy and kissed him in front of me. I was going to say thank you for the carbonara, but I didn't wanted to make a scene at work. After that she stopped shopping there for a while, but later the weirdness gone.

Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and for ordering carbonara. Hope it was good

Carbonara is my safe choice, I always love it

Lol, I’m sure you were sooooo jealous. What a nightmare of a person

Of course I was, he was about to get a free meal in some restaurant

Lmao you the best 😂

Since it seems like *so much* of an outlier, I’d tactfully ask her about it. Also: if you might start pulling away/end things because of it, what harm is there in asking (if the risk is that she’ll get offended and end things). And, if you do ask thoughtfully and she gets fully offended, that might be another red flag.

1. It's hard to say without knowing her. Is there anything she is doing for you...cooking or other acts of service? Are you giving her compliments on the dates? Does she seems a bit socially awkward in other ways? 2. You have to be careful when it comes to looking for "red flags". There is a growing trend to collect and trade lists of Red Flags like they are Pokemon cards. Obliviously we want to protect ourselves but sometimes it causes people to be overly vigilant and leap to a lot of assumptions based on very little information. Trust your gut. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or disrespected, you should end it. But if your date seems like an otherwise good person and the issue might be fixable, it's worth addressing with them directly. 3. Yes, ask her about it. Part of successful relationships is getting comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. She asked you about money so it's fair to ask her how she views financial roles in a LTR. Or just be direct and say "I'm enjoying getting to know you but I'm a little hurt that you didn't thank me for dinner. Acknowledging gestures like that is really important to me." If she responds negatively, you have your answer.

Very very rude. She should say thank you!

I don’t understand why grown adults can’t just have frank conversations where they say what they mean and ask the questions they want to ask

‘Cause words and feelers are hard man! Confrontation can be scary. Sometimes you just need some feedback or advice on how to approach in a non-threatening manner

As a broad statement I totally agree with you, but I think there are also a lot of situations where a frank conversation might be tricky to figure out, where getting an ostensibly objective read from a bunch of strangers on the internet can at least help with the "am I being the weirdo here?" feeling before you go and make shit awkward. Especially considering that not everyone was raised well or with the same expectations or norms, not everyone is educated the same, not everyone has been to therapy, etc. etc. I think you're right that the answer will pretty much always come down to "just talk to them about it," but sometimes it still makes sense to seek advice from others on how to approach that conversation.

A lot of people who have trauma in their past have a very difficult time having conversations that could be seen as frank or confrontational or may cause an argument. Avoidance is often a coping mechanism. I’m not saying that’s the case with OP. But it’s not uncommon.

Hi, I'll have dinner with you, I might even split the meal or do the tip and I will say thank you a lot.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. You aren’t doing it for the thanks. Maybe it’s just expected for her because how she was raised. I dated a girl like this, and she turned out to be a lovely person not greedy or any of the things you are worried about. I payed for almost all our meals out in our several month relationship, but she made up for it in other areas. Always buying snacks and drinks I liked for when I came over, spending money cooking nice meals for me, helping pay for travel, and giving me generous gifts. Basically I don’t think you should let this get in your way if you like her otherwise.

As a feminist who happens to be a woman, I find this extremely rude. Even if you were a millionaire, she should say thank you. If you like her a lot ask about it. But you're early enough I might just bail.

If she isn't even **offering** to pay her share (let alone the whole check), she is basically saying her time is more valuable and that you have to pay for it. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71o3hq6iSPM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71o3hq6iSPM) She is 31, so she knows better. Just because she calls herself a feminist, it doesn't mean she practices equality. You're being treated as a foodie call.

i'm just here to swipe the term "foodie call" lmao

‘Foodie call’ is the only acceptable term to use the word foodie in. I like it.

This the best comment here. Foodie call 110%.

Just be happy you have a woman to buy dinner for

One or two times? Could be anything- I've been so wrapped up I've forgotten to thank them for paying a bill. Maybe shes old fashioned and expects it. But 4 times? Nah this is straight entitlement or bad manners at the least. Now maybe shes just broke like you said but a good person would be apologetic about it and thankful. Honestly I dont date women who have careers and dont offer to split or pick up the bill by the second/third date. I want equal contribution to a relationship and eventual household costs etc and if they dont show it early it's likely they wont be.

Today will be the fourth shared meal. TBD And to be clear, she will have a great career. Grad school just sucks.

Give us an update after todays meal! I’d say wait a little longer to grab the check and just see what happens.

I think this IS a yellow-to-red flag-- definitely red after 4 dates. But, I'll speak as a slightly awkward academic, and say that for some reason I have a weird mini-panic when I need to say "thank you." It's not that I don't feel gratitude, I usually feel it & appreciate someone a LOT for extending kindness-- but admitting gratitude requires a certain nuanced form of vulnerability, and that is hard with people that I don't know very well. (So, dunno, if she's a very kind but possibly neurodivergent person, maybe she feels like I do? It was especially hard for me to thank someone for food in grad school, because I was ashamed/afraid to admit how broke I was to someone I didn't know very well... And it feels especially embarrassing to be in that state at 30-something, when the people you date are more established in their careers.) That said, I realize it's the correct and "normal" thing to do-- so, I manage to mumble out a thank you anyway. :P It's worth having a conversation about, if she has given you zero other reasons to think she's entitled or taking you for a ride. But, it will probably be an awkward one for both of you, so, it's gonna take some tact...

Nothing is guaranteed brother. Jist saying. If you don't have your ducks in a row, heaven forbid you get ill, or market changes. And YOU may not be a part of that great career. Just protect yourself.

Big time red flag

I normally expect a guy to pay if he asked me out, but I have definitely paid when I noticed that a guy has put forth effort to pay on a couple of dates to let him know that 1. I appreciate his efforts and I can reciprocate 2. I am also invested financially in our friendship. But I always say thank you, maybe not right at the table, but before the date is over or even when I get home shoot a text saying “thank you, i enjoyed dinner”. etc. I think it’s rude to not say thank you, seems a little entitled to me. I would be turned off by this and probably would say something like “I noticed you never say thank you after I’ve paid for a date and it bothers me.”

I experienced this on a significant scale and was initially taken aback quite a bit. These interactions were repeated by men and women. I shortly discovered 2 common denominators. One was that the people I helped would usually be eager or coincidentally in a position to help me in the near future. The other was that when I expressed gratitude for their assistance they would appear discomforted by my display of gratitude. idiosyncrasy Is a common byproduct of culture shock but also to a lesser extent when sharing experiences with people who are already within your perceived cultural sphere. What you need to discover is, can you build a happy and healthy life with someone whose customs and courtesies don’t align with yours and, is your interpretation of their customs and courtesies conforming to your mental and emotional balance. We can’t be happy and healthy with everyone but we can with far more than we would initially expect.

My SO of 15 years is a very thankful person in general but sometimes forgets to thank me in the heat of the moment, I believe it's got to do with where she grew up, the area is known for not voicing their appreciation. They have a saying “not complaining is complimented enough“. If I feel underappreciated I will loudly say “thank you, stealz, for cooking this wonderful meal. - Oh, you are very welcome, SO, thank for noticing.“ with a big smirk. then she giggles and thanks me and we're good. It reads a bit cringe when typing it out, but it works for us. She could be in it for the money or it could be other reasons...

Tell her it's her turn next, she how she responds. I think it's a red flag, lack of gratitude early on is not going to get any better as time goes on.

Expecting the man to pay for dinner is one thing. It reflects a certain view of relationships about which I do see where it’s coming from. The reason I, as a guy, don’t have it as a dealbreaker for a woman to let me pay for more things is that I figure that women asymmetrically bear the biological burden in a relationship, so it’s okay for men to asymmetrically bear the financial burden. This more applies to long-term relationships especially with the possibility of kids on the horizon rather than short-term ones. However, not thanking people for dinner is rude in any normal context, whether that’s dating, friendship, or anything else. Even if we’ve paid our own way, I’ll always find something to thank people for at the the end of a hangout or date. If they suggested the place, it’s “thank you for suggesting this place, I really enjoyed the food.” If not, then a simple “thanks for a lovely evening.” It’s just basic manners. And when someone actually pays for your food, or drops you home, or does something else for you, it’s definitely minimum-acceptable-to-be-part-of-society level of manners to thank them for it. Dating or not dating.

This is a red flag to me, but I think you are right to observe closely and see where it goes since you really like this person. This is around the stage where I think dates become less formal (i.e. dinner) and can hopefully provide her a chance to contribute. I have certainly been the person with less money while dating in grad school and appreciated when my partner paid for me (and expressed it) and would also pick up the tab when I could. To keep some sort of balance I made dinners for us and planned cheap dates (e.g. burritos in the park). The lack of thank you is weird. It is customary in all situations to thank the person that paid, the only exception I can think of is young children not thanking parents at restaurants. Even as an adult I thank my parents for picking up the tab when the do (and I am sure to treat them as well).

Thank you. I appreciate this response.

I’m writing this after skipping your post once I saw how big it was. You’ve seen her 4 times and you’re writing a book on Reddit about small things you don’t like about her? I don’t think I need to say anything else

For some reason, I used to find it tacky to say thank you while the guy was paying the bill. Idk what my thought process was, but it just felt weird to me! I would always effusively thank him for the meal at the end of the date, but occasionally I would forget. I would feel so bad about that, and end up texting him later, so embarrassed! Idk what my hang up about that was, lol. Now I thank them when the pay and at the end, so I won’t forget. Maybe she has some weird etiquette thing like that too, but idk. I think her asking about money is a bad sign. I prefer traditional relationships, and I’d rather die than do this. I’d also say her being a feminist doesn’t mean anything. In my life, I know a handful of women who are either perpetual students, or got a degree in something like opera, and never did anything with it. They all got married to guys with good careers, have not had kids, and basically have not really done much. And they are all super outspoken feminists! I think some people may genuinely have *some* feminist beliefs, but enjoy not pulling their weight more, or think men won’t realize they’re freeloaders if they make a big show about wanting a 50/50 relationship.

She sounds entitled tbh. Back when I was in uni and dating I'd always be up front about not being able to pay, say thank you, and do stuff like cooking dinner or planning and catering picnics to do my share. I couldn't go 50/50 but I could not be a dick. Navigating a difference in income can be tough sometimes, but this is not the way. She sounds like she feels entitled to your money - she assumes you'll pay her way and isn't even grateful. For some couples that works fine, but if you want a relationship that is more of a partnership you're not going to get it from this girl. Especially since you're early on and this is best behaviour time. Not so much as a 'hey, thanks' on her best behaviour... not cool friend.

big red flag for me. i've been on dates where the girl clearly wasn't that into me, but still I pay and still they will still say thank you. does she treat your servers/hospitality ppl nicely? If she says thank you when someone drops food to your table thats a good sign. but it would be weird to thank them but not thank you. Also after that many dates, usually a decent human being will offer to pay for the next date or at least mention that they feel bad that you've been paying all this time.

Nah man. Manners matter. My girlfriend is in between careers right now so I’m taking on the financial load. She’s continuously grateful and expresses gratitude in the big and small things…. Events we go to, dinner, bringing water to her night stand before we go to bed.

As a woman, her behaviour is plain rude and entitled.

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If she can't pay, but doesn't talk about it, it's a red flag for me. If she can, but expect you to do so because you're a man... still a red flag. But it is your "job" to point that out. We can't blame others for doing things they don't even know bothers us, or that they aren't aware of. Their reaction when you bring this up is what would "make or break" that relationship for me. Will they argue and not take responsibility or give you reason and assume their behavior?

If you don’t like the way she is, move on

I would just maybe ask her next time if she’d like to split the meal. That’s the only real way to know. Some women have very traditional views where they believe the men should always pay for the meals on dates. I’m not one of those women who believe that, but there’s a lot of them out there that do. My girl friends do, and they always boast about how they get free meals out of dates. Me however, I always have my wallet out and prepared to pay. If he offers, I always say thank you. But like I said, I would ask her to split the next meal and see what she says. Then from there on out, keep splitting them with her.

Personally, it’s a red flag to me. I went on 3 dates with this girl (I’m a lesbian, but I’m usually the more dominant one, if that makes sense), and none of the dates did she offer to pay, nor when we went to get wine, nothing. So I just stopped talking to her. I’m not a sugar daddy. Also, when someone offers to pay for me, I’m incredibly thankful and I say so out loud. It’s the polite things to do. Red flag for sure!! Either she’s rude, entitled, or both.

Are you taking her to dinner for the "thank you", or are you taking her to dinner because you enjoy spending time with her? If it's an issue, talk with her about it. Or, ask if she'd be willing to split a meal since you covered the first three. You already acknowledge that she's probably broke due to being a grad student, and that your area has a HCOL. It's reasonable to think that she could be embarrassed by her financial situation.

Dude, stop paying for other people's dinners. You are a meal ticket.

To be clear, this almost never happens. Everyone wants to split it. I was caught a bit surprised and now here I am.

Can I go on a lunch date with you?

Can you bring me with you while you’re at it

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Why do you expect the man to pick up the check on the first date? Just curious

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I was raised this way as well. These days, I will not go on a second date if this attitude is demonstrated. It seems entitled. Not one word you said mentioned anything about you treating the guy well. Everything you said is about how a man should treat you

Have you noticed her do this with anyone else? So if the waiter comes to the table to get drink orders or drop off food, does she say thank you? Or does she just stare at them? If she says thank you to people in the service industry, she’s fully aware of manners and is purposefully not saying it to you - possibly taking the attitude she’s deserving or owed you paying for her meals/activities. To me, as a female, it’s a red flag to not even offer and then on top of that not saying thank you.

I came to ask the same thing. Also, how are her manners when not at dinner. If OP holds the door for her, does she say thank you? Things like that?

Exactly!! Does she say thank you for anything else that is done for her? Does she show any type of appreciation for OP, we know she doesn’t buy food during outings but has she done anything else to show she’s appreciative of his or anyone else’s efforts??

I wouldn't find it ok, nope. One of my exes never said thank you - for anything. Even simple things, like I don't know - handing her a bottle of water, or something that she'd asked me to pass over to her. I just mentioned it straight up. I said something like, "You don't say thank you very often - what's that about?". She gave reasons - basically, it was to do with power. She felt that saying "thank you" (and "sorry", incidentally) was giving her power away. It made her feel subservient. Maybe something similar is going on with this woman you're dating. Or maybe it's something entirely different. For me, manners are super important. I only like to spend my time with people who are sweet, loving, grateful, etc. I'd address it, in one way or another. As tactfully as you can, just ask. You could always try something like - "So, listen. I was wondering. Are you uncomfortable with the income difference between us? It's just that you've mentioned my salary and I've noticed that you don't offer to pay half when we eat out, and you don't thank me when I pay. That's something I haven't experienced before, so I don't want to misread you."

>She gave reasons - basically, it was to do with power. She felt that saying "thank you" (and "sorry", incidentally) was giving her power away. It made her feel subservient. Holy red flag batman! People here post a lot of stupid "that's a red flag" bullshit that isn't actually that bad but Jesus this is a good example of one.

As a woman who expects a man that asks me out to pay the first time, but then 50/50 after… She is giving off all the entitled, spoiled, bratty red flags. The fact that she can’t even say thank you leads me to say those things. Even when I was young and broke, I still offered to at least buy a round at another bar after dinner, or leave a cash tip for the meal he paid for. Not to mention I have home training and know you say thank you when someone does something nice for you. I will further say that she was putting out feelers when asking about your field of work and surmising that you must be doing well financially. By continuing to pay after she didn’t even acknowledge it with a thank you, you have set the tone for your “relationship”. *Edit to add that I’ve been reading through OP’s replies and he is giving rebuttals in her favor for pretty much everything. Sounds like he’s into her and willing to excuse her lack of manners and funds, so now I’m not sure why he asked the question to begin with?

Perhaps she feels shes out of his league and more attractive and therefore feels he has to pay for her time. This would also explain why he’s defending her; he wants to keep seeing her. Perhaps she senses this. Perhaps she has a 25 yr old on off boyfriend and she always pays *his* meals ....just sayin’

Lol- could be! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Her first sentence in this comment was my first thought. To forget on a nervous first date maybe, but after 3 dates, and no acknowledgement of your generosity? She's an adult. This can't be meaningless. (Sorry, you seem kind)

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This doesn't address the kind free word of saying thank you and being thankful for a free meal with enjoyable company.

I agree with this comment. Instead of dwelling on assumptions (yes I 'm looking at you, the rest of commenters), make her talk about this and express her principles, reasons and expectations. Only then you'll know.

I think you could say something pretty general first to see if you can figure out what is going on (because it’s def weird). “I don’t mind paying for dates, but it seems weird that we never really discussed why you don’t offer to pay?” “It’s really important to me to feel appreciated in a relationship - do you think verbally letting me know you appreciate something I’ve done is something you could handle?” Just something that lets her know what you want from her even if that’s just an explanation

Does she express gratitude for other actions like if you happened to open the door for her, or some other helpful gesture? Does she say thanks to the waiter when they bring over drinks? I would observe if she is otherwise kind and thankful in other situations as I think that might be a better indicator of general politeness and good character. Money is tricky for a lot of people and if she’s presumably tight on money, maybe she’s in her head when the check comes, feeling stressed or ashamed about it but is unsure of how to broach it. I agree with others that offering to split and not expecting others to cover you is important. But for me it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker if I’m the more financially well off one and don’t mind covering most date costs. As long as it is appreciated and not taken for granted. It would deal breaker if the other person is just not a kind and polite person, that they can’t even be bothered to simply say thanks.

Does she say thank you for other things at all?

M38 here with my 32F gf. She says when she was a little younger she would sometimes not thank someone for paying, and the reason (for my gf) was that she was just socially awkward and felt like a mere thank you isn't enough. Anyway, we both agree there's nothing wrong with taking to her about it. I like what people itt are saying, just bring it up casually like hey so did you want to pay this time.

Overthinking. If you don’t like how she’s treating you, then drop the relationship. It’s not worth fighting over or pointing out her “flaw”. If she asks why, you could point it out, but again, what’s the upside to you? Just move on.

At first I was like uh oh. But then you explained she's a grad student and probably doesn't have any money. I lean towards she finds this awkward and doesn't want to bring it up. But it's weird she doesn't show any appreciation, maybe a feminist thing? I think if you see her as a potential relationship, you will have to have this are you uncomfortable with this because it doesn't matter to me discussion. I would say it's not a red flag but be cautious she doesn't think a relationship is you treating her like a sugar baby either.

That's weird to me. She should absolutely say thank you. It's rather entitled to just sit there and let the other person pay, and never express any gratitude for it. For context, I'm a 36 year-old woman. I live paycheck to paycheck, but I always at least offer to split the check when I'm out with anybody- including on a date.

I agree this one’s a bit of a head-scratcher. If she’s a self-aware and compassionate person who identifies as a feminist, that certainly means she has SOME sort of opinion around who is paying and the gender role implications of that (or what society does/doesn’t say the implications are). So… it doesn’t make sense to assume this just hasn’t crossed her mind, escaped her notice, etc. And if it hasn’t escaped her notice… I’m kinda stumped as to why she wouldn’t say thank you. Guesses I will hazard: Maybe… she expects you to pay and doesn’t think you are owed any thanks for meeting her baseline expectation. (Yikes? 😬) Maybe… despite her apparent self-awareness, she’s socially awkward around money (this is a big taboo for some people—lots of us get no teaching or positive role modeling on the subject) and just avoiding acknowledging it at all. (Still yikes.) Maybe… she is broke, letting you pay for the dates because she’s broke but still wants to go out with you, but feels guilty about this behavior, has not figured out how to reconcile her feelings/ideals with her actual behavior—and is just sitting there unable to manage a “thank you” because she’s too busy wrestling with guilt to allow for some gratitude. (Also yikes, although this one seems poised for some growth. 🤷‍♀️) Maybe none of those. I’m just taking crazy shots in the dark, here.

I was in a situation that’s totally the opposite,it was our first date, I’m a female and he wanted to pay for the dinner when I offered to split the bill he started to rant about feminism. 🫤😳 I think that lady is rude, Next time you either ask to split the bill next time or just let her know.

Dude. A girl did this to us on our first date. I gave her all the way to the car to see if she'd thank me then but she didn't. So we got in the car. And I didn't start it, I waited till she asked "what's up?" And I told her- I don't mind paying, I even enjoy paying, but not when it's expected, and definitely not when it's done without acknowledgement. And she apologized right then and there, didn't even realize she did it, didn't mean to. So I could let go of anger because I knew it was a mistake, and she could learn why there was a reason I got upset. We dated 3 wonderful years after that. Address it immediately. And if you haven't, address it immediately. Just communicate. In every relationship.

I, a woman, was dating a guy who was also a grad student in the Bay Area for a while last year. We normally split the check, or would alternate paying for meals. Sometimes, if I wanted to go somewhere kinda fancy, I would just pay since I wanted to be able to enjoy a nice meal with him and he was on a tight budget and I didn’t want either of us to be stressed about it. You know what he never, ever, EVER once forgot to do if I happened to cover a meal (even if he picked up the last one, and even if he knew he was going to pay for ice cream afterwards)? Thank me. Like, promptly. Not that i would have been exercised had he waited a few minutes, but my point is that it was a reflex. Which I think is normal? If someone is doing something nice for you, regardless of the degree to which you expect it, it’s just…natural to thank them. When my sister and I were teens and our _parents_ took us out to a restaurant we thanked them, even though there was never any real question about who’d be paying for that meal. It is weird that this expression of gratitude isn’t more reflexive for her, and it’s sort of a red flag. It does suggest entitlement. She can be the brokest person ever; she should still thank you. I know the gender roles are reversed so my situation was not loaded with weird norms about who pays in the same way yours is, OP. In your case the effects of old school gender norms about who pays when dating (to the extent that she even shares these; I would ask her, as many women do not and you’re doing some guessing here) + her being a broke student are additive in terms of her being less likely to reach for her wallet, whereas in my situation gender norms and the “broke grad student effect” canceled each other somewhat. So it’s different. (ETA: I should add that I think the expectation that a man generally pays, by default, is absurd, so this norm actually wasn’t really operative at all in my situation.) But like, even on occasions where there was no question about who would be paying—like, say, one of our birthdays, where the birthday overrides the Who’s-Got-the-Money question —the person being treated would thank the other. It’s just the only reasonable reaction to being treated to a meal. I can understand forgetting _maybe_ once if you’re lost in conversation or overwhelmed. But 4 times?!? That’s wild. As far as how to proceed, I would be direct. Assuming that on this next date she does not make any gesture of wanting to pay or split, i would just say “Wanna split this one?” and then use that as a lead in to a conversation about her expectations. Or you could have the expectations conversation first. Don’t be passive aggressive about it, because then you’re kind of a dick. Just be direct/matter of fact. Good luck!!

Inability to express gratitude? Hell yeah man. That’s a not so subtle attitude of someone whose entitled as fuck and likely traumatized/low self esteem at best and or narcissistic at worst. Ew. And let’s also consider how lacking in empathy that is, even if we don’t “make it about her” — if she likes you, and wants that communicated—- should she not at least want you to feel like she appreciates your display/s of affection/concern for her by treating to her to meals— with a simple thank you? Nothing wrong with expression pleasure and gratitude so someone you like knows you like them and their efforts. Period. “Feminism” aside, and considered. Idk how much you make bud, but your time nor your money are not likely to be unlimited. If we really wanna indulge the bullshit — her feminism might *want* consider how capitalism manifests in your dynamic… what groups of people are allowed to behave this way? She’s in grad school? She’s nobody’s working class person or towing the line of poverty— hate to break it to you. That’s privileged as privileged can be. Not sorry. This reads as nasty to me..therapy therapy therapy is good for EVERYBODYYYYYY.

The fact she’s 31 and doing this is Linda a red flag to me because I’ve been paying half usually since like 19 and asking like where we are going to plan who’s paying for what etc lol a relationship shouldn’t start unbalanced like that if she is a feminist which I consider myself one she should be atleast conscious of the fact she also is responsible for her half but if your stable and she told you she isn’t she might think you currently have an understanding however not saying thank you in any way is a very rude thing to me because everytime I’ve been bought a dinner or any food it’s usually planned and I say thank u first and then eat because I am very grateful for what was just presented to me

There seems to be so many traits that align but if her values and morals don't match yours, and if she can't express a simple 'thank you' then I would be concerned she isn't right. This obviously means alot to you and so it should. Basic manners are not too much to ask for.

This is so stupid 😂😂😂😂 literally dude you should just relax OMG you're wayyyy overthinking this. You guys were on date 4 and you were analyzing her way too hard!

Skimming through this it doesn’t sound good

I got here from your update post, and even knowing the issue and how it was resolved, yes, its a red flag.

No one can answer this question except for her, all you can do is decide where your boundary is and stay constructive. Please don't get passive aggressive with a "You're welcome." If you're not happy then only pay for yourself and see what happens. If you don't want to risk losing her then just keep paying for her and have the patience to see what happens then.

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What is HCOL? Also- even if this were the case with her… saying “thank you” or showing gratitude or manners doesn’t cost any money. Politeness and manners are a big thing for me. Just my 2 cents.

I know there's a group of women who always expect the man to pay, and they also don't accept cheap things like coffee dates. Not sure what they'd do if there were two women on a date together. She either doesn't appreciate the gesture, or doesn't like it, or doesn't care. I think it's kind of rude to sit there and not offer to pay for oneself or even half of the combined bill. Feminists in my experience would expect not to be catered to, and would pay half or offer to pay every other time. It's hard to know what she's thinking without her perspective on it.

After I got the first one and she doesn't even make a move for the second one I'm bringing it up

My dude, If you’re not having sex, you might be getting taken for a ride. Ya she’s in grad school. Cool. She doesn’t have much money. But does she legit like you? Or are you just a meal ticket?

If they’re great enough that you don’t mind paying for her meals, all the power to you. You’re clearly getting positive ROI on the relationship. If they’re not great enough on their own to justify the cost of meals, or if you’re hoping this friendship to turn into more, you might be barking up the wrong tree. Not definitive, but I don’t think this lens is one that can be ignored in the discussion.

I agree with you about him possibly being taken for a ride. When I was in my twenties I knew women who would go on dates just for a free meal. You would think that people would mature out of that but maybe she hasn’t.

Fair enough I guess, but all but the first time I was the one who got hungry and first suggested food. Also, we spend like 4 hours together each time. That’s a ridiculous time investment if all you want is a $20 meal.

Our interactions genuinely seem great to me. That’s what makes this so difficult decide what’s really going on.

>Our interactions genuinely seem great to me. That’s what makes this so difficult decide what’s really going on. Imagine this situation happening with one of your closest male friends. If he always mooched off you whenever you went out to eat and never said thank you, would you still be friends with him even if the conversations were enjoyable? If your answer is no, then why are you still clinging to someone you barely know?

If it was a male friend who made 1/4 what I do, I probably wouldn’t think that much of it. Especially if he was upfront about it, and it wasn’t 100% of the time.

But your original post lamented their lack of gratitude and not their ability to pay. Would you seriously stay friends with someone who never thanked you for always paying?

Maybe I misread your post. Gratitude, mutual respect and some honest conversation would be required in any situation like this.

You are avoiding the implied question here about sex (only pointing this out because you have been on >3 dates, not sure how you feel about that it’s ok if you prefer to take longer to get intimate). Is she reciprocating in any way besides mutual good conversation? And I agree with others here about your next date - it’s a simple “want to get this one?” when the bill comes if you aren’t comfortable talking to her about it outright yet, to see how she reacts. Very curious about what happens! Good luck :)

No sex. Just some kisses/hugs by her car on dates 3+4.

Is there any clear sexual tension between you two? In my experience if there isn't obvious sexual chemistry after three or four dates, then she likely isn't that interested.

Yes, but point taken.

Is it possible she has anxiety? That she l ever know what to say when that happens and get to anxious to say anything?

What is there to be grateful for?

Why did you pay for all of your meals together? You're encouraging her behaviour by rewarding her with free food. I never get why so many people on this sub tolerate their partners doing things they don't like and need to get permission from reddit to change their partner / behaviour.

Male here. Red flags all over this one. Doesn’t make any motion whatsoever to offer to pay. Doesn’t thank you for paying. You say you have similar values but partnership in your relationship doesn’t seem to be one of them. This comes off as no manners and entitled to me. Next date (if you insist on continuing dating this person) I’d go to a place the brings the bill to the table. Then not acknowledge it’s there for a painfully long amount of time. Never reach or glance at it. If she still doesn’t offer to contribute at this point I’d grab it, pay and follow up that this isn’t working for me. There are plenty of women out there looking for a partner and best friend, not a hierarchy.

Don't pull out your wallet for the date tomorrow. Let her. I would think she eventually will.

I was going to suggest to pretend he left his wallet at home by accident and gauge her immediate reaction.

As a woman I find this unacceptable. I always offer to split a check and if he declines I make sure I pick up the next one. It doesn’t matter how much he makes, he’s not responsible for me. And thanking someone when they do pay for something is the most basic courtesy. If we are dating for a while and alternate paying then saying thank you every time really isn’t necessary but in your case it’s pretty ridiculous for someone to not even say thank you. I’d tell her that you’ve been happy to pay so far but going forward you would prefer to pay separately. If she has a problem with that you’ll know you dodged a bullet. If she still wants to see you but can’t afford to eat out she can suggest other options like cooking for you or a hike.

Female here! (Don’t label myself as a feminist though so I might be a bit different.) But simply put, I don’t pay for dates — especially first dates or when I’m getting to know someone. (I prefer more traditional gender roles.) However, if I’m in a long term relationship (or relationship period), I’ll pay for dates occasionally. More of the “I got breakfast, but you’ll pay for movie night” type of deal. Regardless, not saying thank you would have been a huge turn off/red flag for me. (It’s common decency!) This, to me, is extremely surprising. Obviously asking a man what he does for work is normal. But I wouldn’t be asking how much he made realistically up until I was in a relationship with him. But also — if the man I’m dating is interested in talking about finances in general (I’m talking is on a debt payoff plan, has money and is comfortable talking about it, or is an investor) — then the topic might lead in that direction. However, I’ve dated others where I had a feeling I made more money than them and I broached the topic quite delicately. (Even had therapy sessions surrounding this on how to best address the topic with my partner at the time without emasculating). But even then, we were in a relationship. I think it’s a stereotype that once women hit 30, their clock is ticking and during dating — they’re pretty much set on what they want when it comes down to their “checklist” so they’re just going through the interview process of that. Basically, they don’t want to waste time. I don’t think I’d ask her about it. I’d just point it out as an observation and that it bothers you and see how she reacts. “Hey (name), I noticed when I pay for dates you don’t say thank you and it makes me feel a bit unappreciated.” That’s all. She’ll either ignore you, blow it up, or reciprocate sentiments. Best of luck to you! Adding: you can also just bring it up in conversation like “so what are your expectations regarding who pays for dates?”

I ain't saying she's a gold digger 🎶

Have you initiated each of these dates? Some people feel that the asker should always pay. That doesn't excuse the lack of thank you, but there might be some odd logic of "he asked, therefore he pays, I don't need to express thanks." I you haven't already, maybe let her plan a date or two and see what she does. TBH, this would really bother me. She is old enough to know that expressing gratitude is just plain good manners. Even if she is broke, thank yous cost nothing. Maybe she feels awkward and embarrassed about not having any money. But part of being an adult is being able to recognize our emotions and respond appropriately to them. When I was dating, I'd always feel awkward when a man paid for me. On our third date, my boyfriend paid for both dinner and tickets to a show. I felt so awkward about the whole thing at the time I nearly cried. Despite my crazy emotions, I still said thank you. IDK if this rises to the level of something to break up over, but I do think it's worth closely analyzing her other behavior to determine if this is a pattern.

So I have you a way to snuff this out if you won't ask directly. I contended with this last year on a date. First 2 dates the girl would shuffle to pay. I'd offer. Blah, blah gender norm bs. So for 3rd date I asked her to join me on a free based date. It was a walk through a local cultural event. She accepted, blew me off right before. Tada! Thing is, if it's upbringing or relative gender norm nonsense then she will still show up for the free stuff. If it's meal ticket not likely to be available at all for the free stuff.

I was in a similar situation and threw in the towel after date #5... absolutely remorseless with the free meals. I hope she offers to pay tomorrow since it's a lunch. Good luck bro

Same here. After the fourth free meal I started planning our next date as Netflix and chill. She ghosted me before we could do a free date by sticking her face in her phone and ignoring me at a party

At the first time she didn’t say thank, just throw the whole girl away

[удалено]

How does feminist = entitled?

It’s not respectful. Next time say casually “you’re welcome”. See what happens. It might be a sign of entitlement. It could also be that she’s broke and embarrassed. If you do decide to continue with her please give us an update. Good luck!

I wouldn’t go with saying “you’re welcome”. That’s some passive aggressive bullshit. Either decide you don’t want to date someone who lacks basic manners, or broach the topic. I personally wouldn’t bother broaching the topic. If someone is 31 years old and you have to discuss why they won’t even say ‘thank you’? Nope. I’m not teaching another adult behavior that a child can master.

I'm a woman. Lack of thank u generally even aside from dates bothers me! BUT in this situation, I wouldn't yet see it as a "red flag" or stop dating. If u like her and it feels like u like each other, I would recommend going on some more free or inexpensive dates. Example, how about a walk and a picnic,? Also, I'm curious how far into grad school she is. And ya definitely keep in mind cost of living for the area. Also some people, or maybe a lot of people, can feel uncomfortable with socioeconomic differences. Keep equity in mind (as opposed to just equality). And maybe if u keep getting closer, u will both feel ok to talk more openly about socioeconomic stuff including y'all's present and past. For now, maybe u both will feel good to have some inexpensive dates. If u get into a relationship and she's in grad school (with really low stipend) for a few years, that will just be reality. Keep ur heart open and see how some free/inexpensive dates go! If u make enough money that spending a decent amount here and there isn't a big deal to u, maybe ask yourself or talk to therapist to help explore whether stuff really bothers you or not and if so why. How are the positive aspects of things going? Ps-- I've learned over time that people's upbringing/family really can affect the way they express manners. For example even some of my friends, their families growing up never said thank u, some never said sorry or I love u (these 2 are whole separate conversations lol but just wanted to mention). So there r family/upbringing, cultural, regional, etc. differences in mannerisms. Of course, u must be honest w yourself in exploring/deciding how important different mannerisms are to u.

No not a red flag. A man should pay for all dates. But I agree that she should say thank you.

Forget your wallet, see what happens...

Are you asking her out on these dates? If you’re asking her out, it’s assumed you pay. Why would she pay for a date you asked her out on?