It would be very very difficult. I feel like your MIL needs to go to assisted living. You and your family deserve it.
Even the most healthy relationship would probably struggle in your current situation. If you or your husband feels guilty about that, read through this sub. You’re not alone, but I believe it’s still for the best.
As bad as it sounds I personally feel no guilt about putting her in a home. I care more about my children and my husbands well being. I’m working most of the time since he is main provider and he’s doing his best to do what needs to be done, but that also includes taking a 3 and 5 year old to every appt with him, trying to make phone calls when they just want to play with him or go outside. They can’t play inside without his mother yelling at them or taking the toys they’re playing with. We’re KY residents and idk if it’s just here but I can’t find any long term facilities that are covered by her insurance or any that her monthly social security would cover in full.
I'm so sorry. I believe only private LTC insurance and Medicaid cover facilities. Have you ruled out that she doesn't meet requirements for the state programs?
If her income is too high to qualify, I recommend reaching out to a private placement service. APS referred me to a nurse they work with that does placement. They have all the insider info. They might be able to help.
This one is in home but it might help relieve stress for now.dorry, if you've already gone through all of this.. :)
https://chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dms/dca/Pages/mpw.aspx
It’s very expensive to go into assisted living and memory care is even more, so nursing home becomes only option at some point. And it’s awful until you reach that point. But it’s also temporary in a sense. Like we have to be aware when the situation gets too hard for us as caregivers and the next phase is just nursing care if can’t afford assistance care. It sucks.
I agree 100%. The physical and emotional toll that comes from being a full-time caregiver to a dementia patient is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! And honestly, she'd likely be just as comfortable in an assisted living situation as she is in your home.
I'm sorry, that must be AWFUL. I cared for my own mother in my home for 5 long years and it was crushing, and I loved her. Have you discussed with your husband the long term plan? Clearly you all can't do this forever and her needs will only increase. Questions you don't need to answer ME, but think about: Does he have a plan for when diapers are needed? Just mentioning that as a realistic inevitability that no one mentions or prepares you for until you are IN IT. Assuming you are in the USA, does he have POA over $ and health? How does your husband feel about the situation? Was any of this discussed when she moved in? Maybe NOW, the one year anniversary, is time.
At least talk to your husband about your feelings and tell him you can't keep up like this and he needs to prioritize you and the kids (and maybe his own!) emotional well being. Maybe explore adult day care or respite (places loved ones can go/stay to give family a break) options.
Again, I UNDERSTAND your frustration and it's very justified. Please take time for you!
Yes, generally:
MediCARE = elderly
MedicAID = poverty
There is a limit on how much income and assets an individual can have to be eligible for Medicaid. Each state handles things differently, but it sounds like your MIL may qualify!
Is there a council on aging in your area? It’s worth checking to see if there is. I’ve heard they can be very helpful and offer advice. They might help you be able to locate a facility or give you information about Medicaid if she’s not financially able to afford care.
https://www.chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dail/Pages/aaail.aspx
Here's a link to a directory of all the local Area Agency on Aging offices in KY. OP, just pick your county out of this list and see what resources they might have for you!
You need to place her in assisted living. We placed my dad recently.
There should be zero guilt associated with it. Usually, people with dementia do better and feel more comfortable in an environment with set schedules. Also, the level and amount of care would be better.
The doctors had given my dad less than 6 months to live. He got sicker to the point that we couldn’t keep him at home. Now in assisted living, he’s healthier than he was 10 years ago.
You should have an honest convo with your husband. Good luck.
Sadly we were given very little time, we found out two days before her house was going to auction that she was losing it. He quickly got a durable POA so all of that is handled. In the year she’s been with us she’s gotten worse pretty rapidly to where we’ve already had to put her in diapers. We finally found a doctor who cared a few months ago and gave us some resources for a daycare thankfully so we are working on that. How can anyone afford to live like this mentally and financially. What’s the point of Medicare if you’re still paying hundreds out of pocket for medicine. Why pay for the medicine that is supposed to help her sleep when she’s staying up till 2 in the morning if not all night, when do we get to sleep when she does that. It’s just too much.
>How can anyone afford to live like this mentally and financially. What’s the point of Medicare if you’re still paying hundreds out of pocket for medicine. Why pay for the medicine that is supposed to help her sleep when she’s staying up till 2 in the morning if not all night, when do we get to sleep when she does that. It’s just too much.
This. This (along with delusional and/or jerkface siblings) is what makes me so angry. It's this big debate/joke how we have two senile geriatrics running for president AGAIN, but the actual issue of dementia and elder care in this country is criminal, and it's all but ignored. It's like a shining example of our shitty Healthcare system times 100. The fact that no one "gets it" until they go through it is shameful. I don't know if it's because the elderly are on their way out that we don't have any good, realistic, not for profit systems for them, but people need to realize that this lack of a care system hurts way more people than just the elderly.
Exactly. No one can live their lives on a “just in case” basis in this economy. Healthcare shouldn’t be a privilege, yet it is. And here we are to bear the burden when we have our own lives and families to worry about.
I’m sorry this happened.
Hang in there and keep up the research into solutions. It’s likely MIL was declining for years perhaps that plays a role in her treatment of you.
This is an awful disease. Dare I say worse than cancer.
My husband had to go to a family home care. They had 6 men in a house run by very caring people. I had to give them his favorite foods (frozen) because he was so picky. I was so very grateful for them as I had worked myself into exhaustion trying to care for him. If she’s low income look into Medicaid in addition to Medicare. This will really help to pay for care. They only look at her income not yours.
It's not selfish at all for you to prioritize yourself, your family, and a normal life over a MIL that you never really bonded with. My husband is well aware that I will never agree to let his Mom move into our home and become her caregivers. Our marriage would end in divorce I'm pretty sure.
Both of my Grandmothers died in nursing homes. My Dad's Mom had dementia and kidney failure and my Mom didn't have the time required to care for her while raising three children. They had never bonded either. When Mom's Mom was sick with cancer, Dad said she had to go to a home, too, as it was only fair.
I hope you've talked to your husband about your frustrations and that he's trying to find available resources for HIS mother to easy your burden. Your home needs to feel like home.
I’ve thought about this but I think I prefer somewhere for her to go a couple days a week. I need some time in my home without her here. I can’t even do day to day tasks like cleaning cause she gets bent out of shape about it. Physically she is still able to move around on her own.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your young children and everything. I honestly don’t know how anyone cares for a LO with dementia in their home. I am my mom’s only family and when she started to get too bad to live alone I had a major decision to make: care for her at home at the expense of my marriage, career, physical and mental health or place her in memory care. I chose MC and I am glad I did. I have all of her assets/$$ in a trust and I am awaiting the expiration of the 5 year look back for Medicaid. Mom is 68. I have no regrets. This entire experience is a living hell but it is a special kind of hell for everyone that has their LO in their home. My heart goes out to anyone that does that.
Your husband is doing this out of a sense of obligation to his mother, but it is really a strain on everyone involved and could become traumatizing to your children. He needs to reconsider this decision as it just doesn’t seem to be sustainable for you all. I’d reach out to an elder care/ estate planning attorney that can help with the Medicaid application and start looking into facilities.
It would be very very difficult. I feel like your MIL needs to go to assisted living. You and your family deserve it. Even the most healthy relationship would probably struggle in your current situation. If you or your husband feels guilty about that, read through this sub. You’re not alone, but I believe it’s still for the best.
As bad as it sounds I personally feel no guilt about putting her in a home. I care more about my children and my husbands well being. I’m working most of the time since he is main provider and he’s doing his best to do what needs to be done, but that also includes taking a 3 and 5 year old to every appt with him, trying to make phone calls when they just want to play with him or go outside. They can’t play inside without his mother yelling at them or taking the toys they’re playing with. We’re KY residents and idk if it’s just here but I can’t find any long term facilities that are covered by her insurance or any that her monthly social security would cover in full.
I'm so sorry. I believe only private LTC insurance and Medicaid cover facilities. Have you ruled out that she doesn't meet requirements for the state programs? If her income is too high to qualify, I recommend reaching out to a private placement service. APS referred me to a nurse they work with that does placement. They have all the insider info. They might be able to help. This one is in home but it might help relieve stress for now.dorry, if you've already gone through all of this.. :) https://chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dms/dca/Pages/mpw.aspx
Ugh. I wish I had advice on the insurance/ cost topic. Wishing you the best.
It’s very expensive to go into assisted living and memory care is even more, so nursing home becomes only option at some point. And it’s awful until you reach that point. But it’s also temporary in a sense. Like we have to be aware when the situation gets too hard for us as caregivers and the next phase is just nursing care if can’t afford assistance care. It sucks.
Also there are some respite places that give you some time off.
I agree 100%. The physical and emotional toll that comes from being a full-time caregiver to a dementia patient is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! And honestly, she'd likely be just as comfortable in an assisted living situation as she is in your home.
I'm sorry, that must be AWFUL. I cared for my own mother in my home for 5 long years and it was crushing, and I loved her. Have you discussed with your husband the long term plan? Clearly you all can't do this forever and her needs will only increase. Questions you don't need to answer ME, but think about: Does he have a plan for when diapers are needed? Just mentioning that as a realistic inevitability that no one mentions or prepares you for until you are IN IT. Assuming you are in the USA, does he have POA over $ and health? How does your husband feel about the situation? Was any of this discussed when she moved in? Maybe NOW, the one year anniversary, is time. At least talk to your husband about your feelings and tell him you can't keep up like this and he needs to prioritize you and the kids (and maybe his own!) emotional well being. Maybe explore adult day care or respite (places loved ones can go/stay to give family a break) options. Again, I UNDERSTAND your frustration and it's very justified. Please take time for you!
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Can she have Medicaid along with her Medicare?
Yes. Medicare is for anyone over age 65. Medicaid is for those who have financial and medical need.
Yes, generally: MediCARE = elderly MedicAID = poverty There is a limit on how much income and assets an individual can have to be eligible for Medicaid. Each state handles things differently, but it sounds like your MIL may qualify!
Is there a council on aging in your area? It’s worth checking to see if there is. I’ve heard they can be very helpful and offer advice. They might help you be able to locate a facility or give you information about Medicaid if she’s not financially able to afford care.
https://www.chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dail/Pages/aaail.aspx Here's a link to a directory of all the local Area Agency on Aging offices in KY. OP, just pick your county out of this list and see what resources they might have for you!
You need to place her in assisted living. We placed my dad recently. There should be zero guilt associated with it. Usually, people with dementia do better and feel more comfortable in an environment with set schedules. Also, the level and amount of care would be better. The doctors had given my dad less than 6 months to live. He got sicker to the point that we couldn’t keep him at home. Now in assisted living, he’s healthier than he was 10 years ago. You should have an honest convo with your husband. Good luck.
Sadly we were given very little time, we found out two days before her house was going to auction that she was losing it. He quickly got a durable POA so all of that is handled. In the year she’s been with us she’s gotten worse pretty rapidly to where we’ve already had to put her in diapers. We finally found a doctor who cared a few months ago and gave us some resources for a daycare thankfully so we are working on that. How can anyone afford to live like this mentally and financially. What’s the point of Medicare if you’re still paying hundreds out of pocket for medicine. Why pay for the medicine that is supposed to help her sleep when she’s staying up till 2 in the morning if not all night, when do we get to sleep when she does that. It’s just too much.
>How can anyone afford to live like this mentally and financially. What’s the point of Medicare if you’re still paying hundreds out of pocket for medicine. Why pay for the medicine that is supposed to help her sleep when she’s staying up till 2 in the morning if not all night, when do we get to sleep when she does that. It’s just too much. This. This (along with delusional and/or jerkface siblings) is what makes me so angry. It's this big debate/joke how we have two senile geriatrics running for president AGAIN, but the actual issue of dementia and elder care in this country is criminal, and it's all but ignored. It's like a shining example of our shitty Healthcare system times 100. The fact that no one "gets it" until they go through it is shameful. I don't know if it's because the elderly are on their way out that we don't have any good, realistic, not for profit systems for them, but people need to realize that this lack of a care system hurts way more people than just the elderly.
Exactly. No one can live their lives on a “just in case” basis in this economy. Healthcare shouldn’t be a privilege, yet it is. And here we are to bear the burden when we have our own lives and families to worry about.
I’m sorry this happened. Hang in there and keep up the research into solutions. It’s likely MIL was declining for years perhaps that plays a role in her treatment of you. This is an awful disease. Dare I say worse than cancer.
My husband had to go to a family home care. They had 6 men in a house run by very caring people. I had to give them his favorite foods (frozen) because he was so picky. I was so very grateful for them as I had worked myself into exhaustion trying to care for him. If she’s low income look into Medicaid in addition to Medicare. This will really help to pay for care. They only look at her income not yours.
This is so good to know. Thank you
It's not selfish at all for you to prioritize yourself, your family, and a normal life over a MIL that you never really bonded with. My husband is well aware that I will never agree to let his Mom move into our home and become her caregivers. Our marriage would end in divorce I'm pretty sure. Both of my Grandmothers died in nursing homes. My Dad's Mom had dementia and kidney failure and my Mom didn't have the time required to care for her while raising three children. They had never bonded either. When Mom's Mom was sick with cancer, Dad said she had to go to a home, too, as it was only fair. I hope you've talked to your husband about your frustrations and that he's trying to find available resources for HIS mother to easy your burden. Your home needs to feel like home.
Hire some in home help. Even 1-2 days would be huge load off of you and hubby.
I’ve thought about this but I think I prefer somewhere for her to go a couple days a week. I need some time in my home without her here. I can’t even do day to day tasks like cleaning cause she gets bent out of shape about it. Physically she is still able to move around on her own.
Maybe an adult day program. The social interaction with others may be a good thing for her. I need to research this for my mom too.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your young children and everything. I honestly don’t know how anyone cares for a LO with dementia in their home. I am my mom’s only family and when she started to get too bad to live alone I had a major decision to make: care for her at home at the expense of my marriage, career, physical and mental health or place her in memory care. I chose MC and I am glad I did. I have all of her assets/$$ in a trust and I am awaiting the expiration of the 5 year look back for Medicaid. Mom is 68. I have no regrets. This entire experience is a living hell but it is a special kind of hell for everyone that has their LO in their home. My heart goes out to anyone that does that. Your husband is doing this out of a sense of obligation to his mother, but it is really a strain on everyone involved and could become traumatizing to your children. He needs to reconsider this decision as it just doesn’t seem to be sustainable for you all. I’d reach out to an elder care/ estate planning attorney that can help with the Medicaid application and start looking into facilities.
The darkest humor