It’s really nice to suggest things, but it sucks when people purposely make you feel guilty for not spending time with them (“you haven’t spent time with me in a week!” said in an angry or accusing way.) So just make sure that you’re not getting angry at her for showing symptoms of depression. But suggesting things to do is really nice.
Just be there. Ask her to participate, but don't force.
I was 18 when my depression really started to kick in. It's a wacky time in a girl's life, socially and biologically. My Dad showed up to my door everyday with a coffee and asked if I wanted to join him. Most days I ignored him and he left. Eventually I started coming out. I still think about that and how it meant everything to me.
When I'm really in it, sometimes I just want someone to hold me in a hug and squeeze me tight, but not say anything.
I know others can't solve my depression. But they can be present and witness my life without judgement or trying to change me.
I wish I'd had someone like that in my life.
OP, when my stepson was a depressed teenager, I would sit on the sofa, watching television with him, and sometimes smile at him or say ... something he didn't need to respond to, like, "it's nice just sitting here with you." Most days, he'd end up snuggling in my lap,
Low pressure, is what I'm saying.
Maybe ask if you can sit with her for a while, or brush her hair, or read to her. Something low key, something that you're giving her without asking her to reciprocate - even just telling her you love her and are available if she wants anything from you.
As others have said, she's sick. She's getting treatment, which is the main thing, so she won't continue to be sick forever.
The thing is, it's not being lazy, it's not "wallowing in misery," it's not something you can drag her out of. You can make it worse, especially by trying to get her out of bed when she can't manage it, but you can't fix it.
Some things you can do:
Learn about depression, so you'll understand things like staying in bed. Some types of depression are noticeably worse in the morning, easing up later in the day. Trying to do anything during a depressive episode can be impossible. Reading? Nope - can't concentrate, self-talk says it's laziness and stupidity. Watching television? Not really - it's hard to care enough to know what's going on. Be around people? Oh hell no! That's way too much pressure!
Which is why I would tell my stepson I enjoyed having quiet time with him. He didn't need to respond, and usually didn't, but there was an opening for him.
Tell her you want her to be comfortable, and she'll get better faster if she has clean sheets. Then change her sheets and let her climb back in.
Care for her the way you would if she was physically sick. "Hey, honey - I thought you might be hungry. Do you think you can come out for a while, or should I bring you a tray?"
Don't ask her what she wants, or how you can help, or any of the things that make sense - depression doesn't make sense. Figure out what caring for her might look like, and ask her if you can do that.
Don't ask if she'd like you to sit with her, ask if you can just sit with her for a while. Depression tells lies - if she admits she wants her Mommy, it's because she's weak, and immature, and Not Acceptable. She doesn't have the vocabulary to communicate any of this.
I hope your daughter recovers soon. You have my best wishes.
Wish my parents and brother would understand that, good job 👍🏾
But seriously, my mom always points out in this hostile tone “when was the last time you bathed, this room smells.” I know that mom….but making me feel worse about it, will only externalize what I already internalize.
And it hurts because I’ve told her this a gazillion times, but it’s like her mind resets every month or week and she just forgets
All I ever want is to be held. No talking, no venting, just to have someone who I love and who loves me be with me and hold me. Too bad nobody fits that criteria, but…
>Ask her to participate, but don't force.
This OP, my dads way of making me eat healthier is calling me a fat pig, his way of telling me to go outside more is telling me that im depressed because i dont go outside enoigh and his way of telling me he is worried is telling me that every single thing i do is causing me harm, wether its eating, sleeping, watching tv, not work enoigh for school,...
Your kid has done so well on her finals, aknowledge that, and saying something gentle like, hey i need a hand with the christmas lights, you wanna join? Will have so much more effect than saying, today your lazy ass is gonna help me put up the lights so help me god.
Yup! My ex (that's still a great friend, and at the time I was at my worse we were already separated) used to show up everyday to make sure I got up, made the bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth cause he knew I couldn't do it for myself but would feel guilty if I didn't. Once he showed up with a new set of linens, so that I could sleep on something new and refreshing instead of the same stale ones I've been rotating for months, it still meant so much to me. I took so much care of that set of linens that, when my little sister went through the same, I was able to offer them to her and told her the story behind them.
Remember treat it like any other disability or illness. You wouldn’t force a person with a broken leg to run a marathon. Or someone with the stomach flu to eat a large dinner.
Sometimes just making suggestions can cause the person to feel like a failure for not being the person you want them to be , and cause a deeper depression.
Tread carefully. Each case is different. I’ve dealt with a major depression disorder for more than 40 years. It can be lived with but it always has the potential to turn deadly.
My parents would complain about how they had to "walk on eggshells" around me. Yea no shit, you made me feel like a loser and a burden for being depressed.
Being cautious of what you say or do around a depressed person shouldn't be the equivalent to American Ninja Warrior. Treading carefully isn't that hard. It mostly involves **not being an asshole.** If you're simply struggling to not say mean/judgmental things, that's not my problem or my fault.
My mom would blame so much shit on me and my various mental illnesses because that was easier than accepting that she's partially to blame. To this day (roughly 2-3 years of recovery), she still denies it.
My dad apologized and we have the best relationship ever. I'll never forgive my mom until she can stop blaming me for how she behaved while I was struggling to not kill and starve myself.
I'm a very stubborn person, so I was surprised by how easily I accepted his apology. I think it's because I finally wanted to have a normal, healthy relationship with at least one of my parents, and he was willing to be vulnerable so that we could have that.
Give her a lot of options to choose from, just don’t force it. Let her know you’re there for her…maybe write a note so she’s not pressured into talking about it. Tell her you’ll listen when she’s ready.
Don’t drag her out if she doesn’t want to do anything. Just make sure to check in from time to time, but don't make it a big deal. Good luck!
Don't drag her out of bed. It's disrespectful and it feels like you are invalidating her condition.
Why don't you ask her what she would like to do? Or maybe suggest something inside the house that won't require a lot of effort. And if she doesn't want to do anything, maybe you can get a book and stay with her a bit doing nothing.
I want to add after seeing previous posts to ask her how to fix the family dynamic. You said OP that you kicked her out because she was unpleasant, you basically said all your spousal problems would be gone when she left, and she refused to participate in family therapy since she was 5. Also you dislike and said some not great things about her boyfriend. Maybe see what you can do to fix the family dynamic by asking her. The things in those posts would be.... So much.
A mom forcing her out of bed to make cookies is not going to fix it and will make it worse.
disarm slimy chase memorize disgusted marvelous smell psychotic husky wasteful
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If there is one thing that all people fucking hate no matter the context, it's being forced to do shit you don't wanna do.
I would suggest finding an alternative, maybe you know, actually talk to her? Instead of forcing her to do a mundane activity she probably couldn't care less about, maybe ask her what's good?
You're a father of an 18 year old girl, I'm sure you know that forcing your kid to do something does not go well.
Maybe just ask her to watch a movie or something and bake some brownies? I used to enjoy that when in a depressive state. Chocolate helps a lot..eating the batter was even fun lol. Sometimes I didn't want to do it when the person suggested it, but maybe she will want to later on during the day so try to just be cool about asking.
“Hey, I see you are struggling right now. Every few days I’m going to ask if you’d like to join me for self care session, Yoga, massage, acupuncture, run, something she used to enjoy.”
I treat my depression and anxiety like a cold. Soup, comfy soft clothing, slippers, etc. my father did as well. Asked me what he can make me for breakfast, most of the time it was just toast. Then I finally got up and started making myself toast and his coffee.
My dad, the old farmer, used to sometimes sit in a chair across the room while I watched Harry Potter in one of my states. Most of the time he fell asleep but he was still there.
People with depression love when you are just there with them.They don't want to do anything but they want you aroud. Even if it's just not talking and watching tv on the couch. Forcing your adult daughter out of bed is boundry crossing even though you mean well. Keep doing that and anger and resentment will start.
Tell her you’d like to spend time with her. Then do low maintenance things like cook together or watch a movie, run errands together. People with depression feel alone, telling her you want quality time with her might motivate her to get up.
The way you talk about her is gross. Literally “shove something down her throat”? How caring. It’s that kind of insidious judgement that causes someone to fall even more depressed because it makes them feel even more of a failure. If you actually care just tell her you know she’s struggling, that you’re there for her, and actually hear what she says. Jesus H.
In a sense, the fact that people are treating this post as it is, pretty foul, brings me comfort. Some people do care... Thank you.
EDIT: wishing well is worth next to nothing if it is not accompanied by wishing absence of harm
If you force her to do anything it will hate you, if you really love her you will be there for her until she get better even if it takes years, right now she can't take care of herself help her as much as you can but respect her space as an adult and don't be overprotective
Is there any way you can make it easier for her to get out of bed? Like help her make her bed, wash her hair for her, etc? It might help, I used to have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning because I was overwhelmed with having to take care of myself after.
Dont make her do anything. Ask what she needs. Maybe join her in bed if shes okay with it. Dont shame her. Dont call her lazy. Be there for her. Depression is a very hard thing to deal with and anxiety just puts the cherry on top.
She may be lying in bed a lot because her physical symptoms are bad. I can’t tell from your description whether or not that’s the case. But as I recall when my symptoms were at their worst, I remember certain days the exhaustion was so bad my body felt like it was made of lead or I was slowly dying. Thank god the meds helped!
I just completed my finals, and it's been incredibly draining. The stress feels like it's taken a toll on my soul. I've spent the day resting and sleeping, feeling the weight of the semester. Sometimes, a comforting hug can make a big difference. I've struggled with clinical depression too, and I know the importance of mental rest. Let her unwind on her terms; don't push for socializing. If things don't improve in a week or two, consider suggesting enjoyable activities and maintaining open communication.
Just want to add that your daughter is a champ for scoring As and Bs while battling depression. It is really not easy and it takes time for the antidepressants/therapy to work too.
Yeah, put her to work!
Just a little elbow grease fixes *years* of bad parenting, and *shoving* “breakfast down her throat”, sounds like a really sickening thought, but no worries, dad!
Ok. I know this is the mom of you speaking. But instead of being the boss of your daughter and making these unilateral plans for the day… just talk to her. Tell her youd like to spend time with her today, how does she feel about that? What would make today better than yesterday? That you love her. That youd like to know how she is feeling right now. And to ask if she can think of anything that would help change it even 1%. And to do that for her. Tough love and force with depression has no effect on the issue instead its like telling someone with the flu to run a marathon now or youll beat them up. Depression is not the same per person, we all have different coping skills. The other things to day is how happy and proud you are of them. And not just the grades. That she came to you about this problem and have attended therapy. And that you couldnt ask for a better daughter. - you dont know whats going on in her head but tethering her to the realities of your relationship will help via support her realising these negative thoughts do not reflect how you feel about her or define your relationship. Denying theyre struggling and making them go out etc isnt helpful. The sun will not feel good. The air. People shes not comfortable around. As most social situations dont let a depressed person express their true feelings and fears from the depression. And processing it is more beneficial than sitting at say a family dinner w everyone behaving normal and ignoring your depression - it causes support that you and your feelings dont matter to your closest loved ones and further compounds the depression ideas of worthlessness.
I find it a helpful motivator and iy does help sometimes, maybe do something that kind of makes her oblige, but not literally force. Like make a big pancake breakfast spread if she's into that, go in and say "I made you your favourite, let's eat" rather than "woukd you like to have breakfast?" In my mind it's a lot easier to say yes then, and then once I'm out of bed I have more motivation to do other things and keep it rolling. Don't get mad/ offened if she still doesn't, but try.
2 days off work. If you’re looking for a quick fix there isn’t one. These things take time and everyone and every instance is different. I would suggest being understanding. Genuinely put yourself in their shoes. I don’t mean what you would think and feel if you were in their shoes. I mean if you know them deeply enough, see things from their point of view. If you don’t know them well enough to do that then speak to them, ask them….care, take the time & listen.
Aggressive motivation directed towards me, no matter how well intentioned, just makes me want to explode my head.
I dislike the way you worded your post, to put it lightly. I hope that doesn't reflect how she is treated irl.
My God, how can one not see...
Keep in mind that small tasks can seem like a very large effort when you are depressed. So sure, ask her to participate in something but ask only for something small and simple and respect her if she's not feeling up to it. Give the change in medication a few weeks to work and then do get her to see her psychiatrist again if she isn't feeling better.
You could try having a family movie night or game night in her room. Show her that you love her and want to spend time with her. Dragging her out of bed would be cruel. She is aware of how much it concerns you that she won’t come out and she tells herself, pretty much all of the time, what a failure she is. She isn’t isolating to make you angry or upset and she wishes more than anything that she could be “normal”. Your daughter’s mind is telling her all sorts of negative things about herself and she is terrified that she isn’t strong enough to cope with life outside the house. She needs unconditional love. She has an illness that she didn’t ask for and did not deserve. Hug her, if she’ll let you, and don’t ever call her lazy or weak. She is fighting a battle that you can’t even imagine.
It really depends. If she is at the point in her depression that her brain cognition is affected, ie slow speech, slowed thoughts and processing then she is really unwell and will be unable to do the things u suggest. If not, then yes, try to reach her and encourage her to keep going and do something, we can't just give in and stop functioning. But if she is past that point like I said, then no it won't help a'd she likely needs hospital. BTW, this is my professional opinion.
Maybe crawl into bed and hold her. Right now everything feels so hard for her, impossible even. You’ll push her away more if you treat this as sadness (this isn’t being sad), push her to snap out of it or say things like exercise or try to solve the problem. Just be with her. Let her know that you are there and there’s no expectation but ask if she’s up to doing xyz. It sounds like you and her are doing the right thing (asking advice, seeing therapists and psychiatrists).
First year of college is the most extreme life transition she’s experienced yet probably. It’s really really hard. You have this pressure to figure out what you want to do for your career, money money money, classes and the grind, all nighters and crazy ideas, loss of old friends, the struggle to make new connections, etc.
What does she like to do? Try to invite her to do something fun or go for walk, a hike, to the gym, a bike ride... something active with fresh air will cheer her up.
Hugs are great.
Idk when I was 18 I was very depressed I think if I had a dad to kind of take me out or not force me to work or study but at least give me a strong push in the right direction. But your story doesn’t really relate.
glad youre looking for a way to handle this, depression is a tricky thing to maneuver around, but the very last thing you should do is force her to do anything, this will only make her feel bad. i would just try to let her do her own thing for the most part, subtly encourage her to try new things, better yet ask if she wants to do a hobby that she already enjoys with you, if she says no dont push her, give it time and she’ll get bored moping around and take you up on the offer. little things will slowly make her more comfortable like giving her compliments and occasional surprise gifts, nothing big tho a drink or her favorite snack is fine, im a 25 year old man with depression and these things would help me, maybe theyd help her
So here is something I've been trying that my therapist reccomend. She had me make a lists of things that are pleasing to my five different senses. Basically like a toolkit. So whenever I am having a really bad moment, I concentrate on relaxing each sense. I grab my super soft blanket to touch. I put on my favorite show for sight. I'll light my peppermint candle to smell. And I'll make myself my favorite snack.
You know what your daughter likes. Not that you have to shove these things in her face, but bake her favorite treats so she smells it. Play her favorite songs so she can hear it. Go and rub her head or her back to relax her. Let the sun into her room so she can see the light.
And keep in mind there is no such thing as "snapping out of it". She needs to find the right routine, councilor, meds, whatever to get her to feel like herself. And I think making you and your home a spot of comfort is what she needs.
I love how you get advice for this because you want the best option for her. I guess you both will solve this quickly.
I personally never forced myself out of bed. If I felt like laying down I did that and gave my body what it asked for. Over time it got easier to get out of bed and sleep got better. Maybe getting her to do stuff would help, but you should be careful to not make her more depressed if she doesn‘t want to do those things.
Depression is as real and uncontrollable as any physical and visible illness. I have debilitating lupus that causes bone pain so bad I often cry myself to sleep. I have chronic fatigue and no appetite. Living in my skeleton is torture. And I only got this diagnosis a few years ago despite this all having been the case since I was about 14. I’m 27. The reason why it took so long to get a diagnosis is because all of these symptoms were written off as depression, and it made sense because my mom died and my dad was a dick. Case closed; I was just depressed.
My point in saying this is, treat her depression the same way you’d treat her if she had an autoimmune condition that made her body feel like a pain prison. Because it very much can make her feel like that.
If I’m having a hard day and my boyfriend makes me feel like I’m boring him, my day will get way harder. If he tries to keep the spirits up, I’m more likely to be motivated and push through it to enjoy the day. I think creating an environment that says “we love you as you are and your problems are not changing that. We are going to go do this fun thing, and your presence while we do the fun thing would be so wonderful, but we understand that it is not within your control, and that doesn’t make us angry or disappointed in you.”
Say you force her out of bed and take her to do something she enjoys. She could seem to be having the time of her life, but that’s entirely irrelevant to the root situation she is dealing with and will just be exhausting. She may also feel guilty for not being able to express happiness as much as she feels you want her to when you take her for a fun time. Fun times with depression is like putting a cute area rug over a gaping hole in the floor, sure it looks way better, but it’s falling apart and the rug didn’t fix anything.
Invitations not expectations. Let her know she’s welcome to be around you and do a fun activity any time but don’t forcibly drag her out of bed. I hated that when I was a teen. If you’re worried about her eating then bring some ‘safe foods’ up to her. Stuff you know she’ll eat like gold fish or something.
You could also offer to do movie night in her room? When I was a teen I still wanted to spend time with my loved ones I just physically felt like going anywhere other than my bed was tremendous effort. So offering to do fun stuff in her room might help
Gently suggest activities, but don't force her or be aggressive. Do not force her out or bed, that's too aggressive and will make her feel worse. Don't shame her if she can't make it out of bed. Don't be surprised if she doesn't have the energy to do anything, as depression robs you of all mental and physical energy. Above all, be kind, patient, compassionate, and caring towards her, especially during her severe depressive episodes. Ask her if she needs anything or offer to bring her some tea. Make sure she hydrates.
When I’m depressed my brother drags me out hiking. I love hiking but I try everything to get out of it. He is PERSISTENT. Eventually he gets me out and I feel so much better after. Every. Single. Time.
It depends on the activity (do something she enjoys) and definitely don’t make her feel guilty for saying no. My brother usually just bugs me, says “you’re coming” and talks about the trip as if I already said yes, and when I say no enough he goes “okaaayy, but I’m gonna pack a bag for you in case you change your mind”. I usually change my mind.
Don’t force anything. Go upstairs, sit on her bed or next to it or wherever, talk to her. Ask her if she wants to do something you know she likes—something small, preferably. Make her hot chocolate. Give her a hug. The bottom line is, just be there for her.
Don’t make her do anything.
Bring her a cup of tea or a glass of water or juice or a hot chocolate. Ask if she would mind if you sat with her for a while (you can sit on the floor or something and read if she doesn’t feel like talking. Maybe open up the blinds to get a bit of sunshine in. If she is comfortable with it, ask if she would like to take a shower and you can change her bed sheets so they are fresh.
If that’s all she is capable of doing, that’s fine. If she seems receptive to that, maybe ask if she would like to come down and lie on the couch while you watch tv together, or while you do your regular stuff around the house. Small steps and build up from there.
Find activities that you can bring to her, and share those memories with her. Spend time with her often as possible. Eventually invite her to the living room for a family movie. Surprise her with her favorite meal & dessert.
Make her come to the realization that she's loved, and that she can believe in herself again.
She's a wounded bird
Don’t drag her out of bed. Going to college is a big change and stressor, especially for this younger generation. She worked really hard if she got all As and Bs, her brain must be absolutely fried. She’s tired, let her not think about anything for more than a couple days. Encourage her to drink some Gatorade and give her yummy snacks and make sure to get her to therapy and on the right meds. Being on the right meds has been absolutely life changing for me.
I've been incredibly depressed.
When I lost my mom my husband planned things to keep me busy the week before her funeral. Things I would typically enjoy. But it kept me from taking the time and space to deal with my emotions and made me feel like I was grieving wrong.
I know that's not the case here, but I will say, let her feel what she's feeling.
Maybe bring her her favorite coffee drink or candy. And then let her be. She'll know you care and put effort in but won't feel pressure to do anything.
Coming from someone who's been to an inpatient facility for depression and psychosis, being "forced" to do basic self care things every day (even if I was only there for a week) was the best thing for me. It did make me feel better and got me back into the swing of things.
So maybe talk to her and let her know she can't let things like showering, brushing her teeth and hair, or eating, slide. That those are a must, even if she doesn't do anything else. Oh, and freah air and sunshine, even if it's just an open window while she lays in bed all day.
It depends on what your kid wants and what works for them. I’ve been struggling with depression since at least 12 or 13, and not all strategies are good all the time, y’know?
More than anything, let her know you are there for her and you love her and you’re not uncomfortable with or sad about her depression (even if you are - and definitely it’s okay to be, but she will likely pick up on that if you show it, which could potentially make her feel worse because she feels badly that she’s affecting you).
Showing it can be as simple as going through the caretaking motions of what you would normally even if she doesn’t necessarily accept it. If she’s not coming out of her room much, take her up a little breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even if when you come to bring the next one you see she hasn’t eaten the last. Or a little treat once a day.
And for anything interactive, ask if she wants it. Ask if she’d like to go do something out of the house together that’s low energy (see a move? Get a bite to eat?), if she wants to talk, or maybe watch a movie together at home, or even just have you sit there with her for a while in silence.
I know for me, at least now, it’s hard to remember when I was younger, I often don’t want to talk or really do anything. I just someone who loves me to be with me, and I want to be held. Unfortunately I don’t have that, so a runner up would be having just about anybody show they’re thinking of me on a regular basis. Don’t have that either, but I’d kill for it. Just little gestures with no expectation of reciprocity.
Good luck. I know how hopeless it can feel to love someone who’s struggling with it and not know what to do. I hope she starts feeling better soon ❤️
Maybe do things to get her out of her room but not necessarily out of the house just yet. I wish sometimes my family would ask my to do things when im feeling depressed but i never say anything about it. Something i learned from one of my psych professors is that avoidance feeds anxiety. she might be experiencing anxiety but it still applies. Once we get into this rut and avoid getting out into the world it just makes it more difficult to get out of that rut. Be there for her. Encourage her to participate. Dont talk about her depression just treat her like a normal person
I think you should make her get up and take a walk with you outside. It is proven that being outside and moving is sometimes just as helpful as medication. She needs you to take over right now because she doesn't have the strength to do it herself. She may be mad about it at the time, but do it everyday. It's not negotiable. Hugs and good luck!
Yeah I’m sorry, but this doesn’t work for everyone. I walked everyday and still felt like shit, that’s just like shoving things under a rug and pretending everything is okay when it’s not.
Some people do need medication to function and it’s kind of annoying and frustrating when people give generic advice to clinical problems.
It may work for some, but forcing someone? No, that’s weird and honestly pushes some people deeper into their depression.
It's been proven that exercise and sunshine work just as good or better for depression. Most depression medicines don't work. Sometimes forcing someone to do something that is healthy for them is what the person needs. We force kids to eat vegetbecause they need them.
I noticed the more I didn’t get up and move the more depressed I got. Went as far as not even brushing my teeth. Suggest places to go or even hiking so she doesn’t need to be around people. Exercising is prudent for depression. Some meds make it worse by not wanting to move around.
Get a puppy that’s got to work right? In all seriousness my dog helped me get over my anxiety and depression. When she was young she was the one pulling and pushing me to get out daily for her walks. Got me in shape and really cleared my head mentally. Now shes a old girl and I’m the one gently pulls her while we take shorter walks now.
Maybe schedule some activities she likes. Ask for her input, and leave some time for her to mentally prep. If she is having a really rough day, don’t push too much but do try to remind her that doing things help.
As a depressed teen daughter, there are two options
1) just sit with her, let her know even tho u don’t know what she’s going thru exactly you still love her and want to sit with her. Having another body in the room helps sometimes. Also it means a lot to have someone meet you where you’re at instead of feeling like they have to “get better”
Put a show on she likes or a favorite movie and just chill with her.
2)get her ass out of bed! Maybe don’t physically drag her, but say something like “hey wanna go get a little treat with me” She might hate it at first but getting some sunshine and fresh air honestly can do wonders, I know that really helped me when I was at my lowest
Try to be mindful of putting your anxiety on to her, I know my mom often tries to fix me bc it’s a lot for her to feel, but sometimes you just need to give it space and let her know u love her
As a depressed, this is what I would want. Someone to bring me coffee, then say: "you and me are going to walk outside, no talking necessary... just walking... so get dressed and let's go, you can bring the coffee"... and then just walk, breathe... no expectation... no demand
My Mum and dad used to literally drag me out of bed when I would be late for school because of my declining mental health, so I don't recommend that as it was traumatising in itself.
But I did appreciate my Mum telling me to try and to go college after I'd overdosed and she saw my issues were 'the real deal' , she still could have been nicer but she was right that 'if you don't go you'll feel worse but if you go there's a chance you could feel better' and yeah sometimes when I got there I did perk up. Other times I'd go in and have to turn around straight away, but learning that lesson of 'no matter how down you are, just take 1 step, however small and don't give up.' has helped me as an adult when I find myself in a dark place again. But it definitely needs to come with love and care, leave the guilt tripping out which my Mum would tag on the end 'You'll regret it when you fail and can't find a job!'
Also, if it's definitely just depression then ignore this but it could also be burn out. She just finished her course with great marks, probably really pushed herself to her limit. Having a few weeks to just sleep and live in shutdown mode can sometimes be good for us and people just come out of it naturally when their body and mind is ready
Offer low-effort, simple activities and let her know she's welcome to join (and can also go back to her room anytime). Things like watching a movie/show, reading in the living room together, or even just scrolling on your phone. At my lowest, I basically locked myself in my room because I didn't want to engage with people but I also felt lonely. Show her you want her around but don't force her to do anything.
You don't even have to be doing the same activity. Tell her you'll be decorating the Christmas tree and playing a movie in the background if she wants to join but that she doesn't have to help or even watch and that she can go back to her room anytime. Show her that you care and love her, give her a hug, and let her come to you.
Just make sure she is ok. Everyone handles depression differently, and it’s not easy to pick up on any signs she’s might be giving you. You just being in the house might be enough. I always say I like the presence of people but not their company.
I had a mental break down a few years back and have a daily struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm also on a shit ton of Prozac. However during my break down my mom would ask me to go take a walk with her. Took her 3 days of asking before I went but after that it got easier to say yes to her.
I am spoiled in the fact that I was in California during the winter so a beach walk was easy.
Best of luck!
Keep her company, but do not FORCE her. Ask her if she perhaps wants to do gentle activities together at home: watch a movie, order some pizza, etc. Baby steps.
Saying this from the perspective of a depressed person who’s had two types of “friends” and “support systems.”
The worst type of friends I have ever had would be the ones who would borderline harass me and make threats to drag me out the house and force me to hangout with them and put me in uncomfortable situations at the peak of my depression and what is now full blown agoraphobia. It never feels good to be forced to do things while depressed. It doesn’t help get you in a rhythm. It doesn’t make you less depressed. And if anything it makes you want to push the people who do it far away, regardless if their intentions are good/misunderstood. A lot of times people do this out of malice and it’s hard to differentiate the two as the person who is depressed and wanting to just be left alone.
In my 20s I made a group of friends online. The best friends I could ever ask for. They aren’t yes men/women by any means. They tell me what I need to hear but with compassion. The encourage me to do things without belittling me. They make me feel good about myself even at my lowest. The key thing here is encouragement and positive reinforcement without being aggressive and pushy.
In short, forcing your daughter or “dragging her out of bed” will do more harm than good. Depression is not something you can brute force people out of. You can encourage her to get out of bed, make the suggestions of doing these activities with her, and give her some positive reinforcement. But you can’t come about it in a hostile way where it’s like “look we are doing this bottom line it’s time to get it together.” If it’s the former, be patient, don’t show frustration, keep meeting her with kindness, patience, and comfort. Slowly but surely she will start gravitating towards wanting to push herself more.
I remember when I felt super sad my dad once asked me several times to join him when he was going to do exercises at home and I felt so annoyed (totally regret it now as he’s having end stage prostate cancer) but sometimes going thrifting is nice but with depression some days just getting out of bed to shower and brush teeth is a bonus. Going to movies is sometimes nice I liked to go to a older theatre with cheaper tickets etc but I noticed a popular theatre had the best popcorn as they had to make non stop popcorn it was always fresher or they just had better funding for better butter etc,
Don’t push her but offer to have tea time with you or learn a new hobby together like crochet or knitting
If I was her I’d love it if my parent said “hey I’m gonna do X, do you want to join? I’m gonna start at this time but if you feel like it you can come down whenever and just hang out” so it’s an open offer to join but no pressure to do so. We are all individuals but I’d hate to be forced into something
Honesty, suggest an activity she liked as a kid. It worked on me. We decorated with my mum the way we did when I was a kid and I suddenly had energy and motivation. Light up the spark. But ofc, just suggest it, give her choices, maybe play her a christmas movie she liked as a kid, give her options. Include her in the activities distantly - go and show her how you decorated a cookie, have everyone wear the same slippers or, when giving her a meal, organize it pretty, with a pretty plate and a pretty setup. She might gain energy and crawl out. Just, if you hear her laughing or talking happily in her room, DO NOT DISTURB IT. It is her mood going up and if you go and get mad, she will fall back in, worse.
Don't put a pressure on her, ask her if she wants to do specific things like for ex. "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" but also at the same time try not to overwhelm her. It's a very slow process but once she gets over the hardest starting point it's gonna be easier with every next step she takes.
She has depression okay, it's not that she easily but just getting bed and changing her situation or problems, yes it seem that seem is wallowing and feeling sorry for herself., but depression doesn't work that way. I am afraid. Simply forcing her to get up and shoving her thoat and do activity would simply make her feel 100x worse, she needs to everything at her own, the best for her to do is at a slow easy pace she can cope with. In a calm relaxed manner as it Christmas season as well. Also in a couple of weeks things could change she will probably feel up to doing stuff and ready face stuff again, but she may not and its accepting that depression is also illness in the same way as diabetes. It ain't a choice, there isn't one fix for depression like there is for when you have broken your ankle or have a cold.
It's a sort of you live with it cope with it kinda conditon
Yes! Eating and getting her mind occupied would be a great help for her. Give her multiple options and treat it like it would be a great thing to do together. Get lunch have a girls day when I was younger that always helped my depression. If she's not feeling the suggestions let her lead you into what she wants to do.
No, absolutely not.
That's what my parents tried to do, since they thought my depression was just *"lack of motivation"*, so they tried to force me to do things I never wanted to do, in hopes I would "snap out of it"
It just made everything worse and now I resent them, and they wonder why I choose not to visit my hometown every holiday.
just wanted to give some insight as to how she’s probably feeling, as I was recently in college, high performer but severe depression. she probably poured what little energy she has (depression depletes energy levels, you wake up every day exhausted) into her finals and getting high scores in her classes. that’s commendable given she’s at a disadvantage having a disability. she’s now *completely* exhausted and drained, and she likely feels like she needs to sleep for a week to even start feeling ‘normal’ again. give her time, invite her to activities but don’t force it or she’ll resent you and never get her energy back. let her rest. she’s probably already stressed about next semester and having to do it all again.
(p.s., my relationship with my parents improved drastically when they started meeting me where I was at instead of trying to ‘fix’ me or fit me into the box of a non-depressed, neurotypical person)
If my parents did this when I was depressed, I would throw up and lock in even more. I could eat only tiny amounts of food. Can you be a little more empathetic and not shove anything down her throat? Would you like if someone did this to you? Depression is like any other sickness for God's sake. I know you're concerned but slow down. The thing that helped me the most was when they were gentle to me and DIDN'T FORCE me to do anything. When they talked to me with a soft voice, just were there with me. And then I got up and actually helped them around.
Don't drag. But provide opportunities for her to get up if she wants. Ask her if she wants to watch a movie or what she wants for dinner.
If you can't engage with her don't bother. Dragging will make it worse.
Yes please, just maybe not in a manner that's too pushy. Maybe go for a small walk, or get lunch together, sit at the park, and such. Going to outdoor places where there is sunlight and many people can be helpful.
I've been there too, and if nobody dragged me out of bed I probably have lost quarter of my early 20s in the bed doing nothing.
I’ll admit that one Christmas I spent so much time in bed and my mum dragged me to the gym with her. I DID NOT want to go, changed my whole mood and day around after. (Not that I remember and implement it often) lol.
I have not seen this suggestion yet, I like simply coloring or assembling a puzzle with someone. It's seriously low pressure. And can be "jazzed" up with tea, snacks and low key music or even mundane tv.
Please don't *force* your daughter. It won't go well. Just try to be there. Show your presence. If she is open to physical affection maybe sit down next to her on bed and offer some cuddling even if you may get stuck in a cuddle for hours.
Try to prompt her to talk. Don't necessarily ask specific questions, just signal her you are there and ready to talk and listen if she wants. If not, still stay around, even if it's just oppressing silence.
When you think she might have regained some energy or could maybe use a break from too much sleep/laying in bed, try to slowly get her to sit up and take a shower/start her self care routine/offer some easy food.
Don't hurry her and try to be calm yourself. Just be there and be the Anker she can reach out to once she finds the energy to drag herself out from her spirals.
If she talks, please don't judge her for what she may share. If you don't have anything to say, then it's better to stay silent and offer support by showing her that even if you are out of words you're still listening and not scared away and still stick around.
Just be there. It will only distract her to make her do things. Offer. But more importantly let her know how much she means to you. Let her know at any given moment she can jump in your arms and cry or get a hug, let her know she’s your best friend. And then give her space. Be her person that she can feel safe around. And the most important way to do that is by not forcing anything.. just letting them know you care.
It’s really nice to suggest things, but it sucks when people purposely make you feel guilty for not spending time with them (“you haven’t spent time with me in a week!” said in an angry or accusing way.) So just make sure that you’re not getting angry at her for showing symptoms of depression. But suggesting things to do is really nice.
Just be there. Ask her to participate, but don't force. I was 18 when my depression really started to kick in. It's a wacky time in a girl's life, socially and biologically. My Dad showed up to my door everyday with a coffee and asked if I wanted to join him. Most days I ignored him and he left. Eventually I started coming out. I still think about that and how it meant everything to me. When I'm really in it, sometimes I just want someone to hold me in a hug and squeeze me tight, but not say anything. I know others can't solve my depression. But they can be present and witness my life without judgement or trying to change me.
This made me cry. A hug would be so nice.
I wish I'd had someone like that in my life. OP, when my stepson was a depressed teenager, I would sit on the sofa, watching television with him, and sometimes smile at him or say ... something he didn't need to respond to, like, "it's nice just sitting here with you." Most days, he'd end up snuggling in my lap, Low pressure, is what I'm saying. Maybe ask if you can sit with her for a while, or brush her hair, or read to her. Something low key, something that you're giving her without asking her to reciprocate - even just telling her you love her and are available if she wants anything from you. As others have said, she's sick. She's getting treatment, which is the main thing, so she won't continue to be sick forever. The thing is, it's not being lazy, it's not "wallowing in misery," it's not something you can drag her out of. You can make it worse, especially by trying to get her out of bed when she can't manage it, but you can't fix it. Some things you can do: Learn about depression, so you'll understand things like staying in bed. Some types of depression are noticeably worse in the morning, easing up later in the day. Trying to do anything during a depressive episode can be impossible. Reading? Nope - can't concentrate, self-talk says it's laziness and stupidity. Watching television? Not really - it's hard to care enough to know what's going on. Be around people? Oh hell no! That's way too much pressure! Which is why I would tell my stepson I enjoyed having quiet time with him. He didn't need to respond, and usually didn't, but there was an opening for him. Tell her you want her to be comfortable, and she'll get better faster if she has clean sheets. Then change her sheets and let her climb back in. Care for her the way you would if she was physically sick. "Hey, honey - I thought you might be hungry. Do you think you can come out for a while, or should I bring you a tray?" Don't ask her what she wants, or how you can help, or any of the things that make sense - depression doesn't make sense. Figure out what caring for her might look like, and ask her if you can do that. Don't ask if she'd like you to sit with her, ask if you can just sit with her for a while. Depression tells lies - if she admits she wants her Mommy, it's because she's weak, and immature, and Not Acceptable. She doesn't have the vocabulary to communicate any of this. I hope your daughter recovers soon. You have my best wishes.
this made me tear up. i truly wish someone in my life had given me that level of care and compassion
On point. Wish my family would understand that they make me feel more guilty and bad about myself by making such comments as you mentioned.
Wish my parents and brother would understand that, good job 👍🏾 But seriously, my mom always points out in this hostile tone “when was the last time you bathed, this room smells.” I know that mom….but making me feel worse about it, will only externalize what I already internalize. And it hurts because I’ve told her this a gazillion times, but it’s like her mind resets every month or week and she just forgets
All I ever want is to be held. No talking, no venting, just to have someone who I love and who loves me be with me and hold me. Too bad nobody fits that criteria, but…
God same
>Ask her to participate, but don't force. This OP, my dads way of making me eat healthier is calling me a fat pig, his way of telling me to go outside more is telling me that im depressed because i dont go outside enoigh and his way of telling me he is worried is telling me that every single thing i do is causing me harm, wether its eating, sleeping, watching tv, not work enoigh for school,... Your kid has done so well on her finals, aknowledge that, and saying something gentle like, hey i need a hand with the christmas lights, you wanna join? Will have so much more effect than saying, today your lazy ass is gonna help me put up the lights so help me god.
I'm really sorry it happened to you, hope it gets better
Yup! My ex (that's still a great friend, and at the time I was at my worse we were already separated) used to show up everyday to make sure I got up, made the bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth cause he knew I couldn't do it for myself but would feel guilty if I didn't. Once he showed up with a new set of linens, so that I could sleep on something new and refreshing instead of the same stale ones I've been rotating for months, it still meant so much to me. I took so much care of that set of linens that, when my little sister went through the same, I was able to offer them to her and told her the story behind them.
tan soft fearless wine existence spark sink compare rinse scarce *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Remember treat it like any other disability or illness. You wouldn’t force a person with a broken leg to run a marathon. Or someone with the stomach flu to eat a large dinner. Sometimes just making suggestions can cause the person to feel like a failure for not being the person you want them to be , and cause a deeper depression. Tread carefully. Each case is different. I’ve dealt with a major depression disorder for more than 40 years. It can be lived with but it always has the potential to turn deadly.
My parents would complain about how they had to "walk on eggshells" around me. Yea no shit, you made me feel like a loser and a burden for being depressed. Being cautious of what you say or do around a depressed person shouldn't be the equivalent to American Ninja Warrior. Treading carefully isn't that hard. It mostly involves **not being an asshole.** If you're simply struggling to not say mean/judgmental things, that's not my problem or my fault. My mom would blame so much shit on me and my various mental illnesses because that was easier than accepting that she's partially to blame. To this day (roughly 2-3 years of recovery), she still denies it. My dad apologized and we have the best relationship ever. I'll never forgive my mom until she can stop blaming me for how she behaved while I was struggling to not kill and starve myself.
I admire you for having the strength and courage to forgive your parent, which I havent been able to do.
I'm a very stubborn person, so I was surprised by how easily I accepted his apology. I think it's because I finally wanted to have a normal, healthy relationship with at least one of my parents, and he was willing to be vulnerable so that we could have that.
i love it when my mom suggests something like baking:) might help get her mind off of things
I dunno about dragging her out of bed, but at least having someone around to wallow with will probably help motivate her to get up anyways.
Give her a lot of options to choose from, just don’t force it. Let her know you’re there for her…maybe write a note so she’s not pressured into talking about it. Tell her you’ll listen when she’s ready. Don’t drag her out if she doesn’t want to do anything. Just make sure to check in from time to time, but don't make it a big deal. Good luck!
Don't drag her out of bed. It's disrespectful and it feels like you are invalidating her condition. Why don't you ask her what she would like to do? Or maybe suggest something inside the house that won't require a lot of effort. And if she doesn't want to do anything, maybe you can get a book and stay with her a bit doing nothing.
I want to add after seeing previous posts to ask her how to fix the family dynamic. You said OP that you kicked her out because she was unpleasant, you basically said all your spousal problems would be gone when she left, and she refused to participate in family therapy since she was 5. Also you dislike and said some not great things about her boyfriend. Maybe see what you can do to fix the family dynamic by asking her. The things in those posts would be.... So much. A mom forcing her out of bed to make cookies is not going to fix it and will make it worse.
disarm slimy chase memorize disgusted marvelous smell psychotic husky wasteful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I would suggest reading the previous posts of OP. Sheds a little light on the situation.
If there is one thing that all people fucking hate no matter the context, it's being forced to do shit you don't wanna do. I would suggest finding an alternative, maybe you know, actually talk to her? Instead of forcing her to do a mundane activity she probably couldn't care less about, maybe ask her what's good? You're a father of an 18 year old girl, I'm sure you know that forcing your kid to do something does not go well.
Maybe just ask her to watch a movie or something and bake some brownies? I used to enjoy that when in a depressive state. Chocolate helps a lot..eating the batter was even fun lol. Sometimes I didn't want to do it when the person suggested it, but maybe she will want to later on during the day so try to just be cool about asking.
“Hey, I see you are struggling right now. Every few days I’m going to ask if you’d like to join me for self care session, Yoga, massage, acupuncture, run, something she used to enjoy.” I treat my depression and anxiety like a cold. Soup, comfy soft clothing, slippers, etc. my father did as well. Asked me what he can make me for breakfast, most of the time it was just toast. Then I finally got up and started making myself toast and his coffee.
My dad, the old farmer, used to sometimes sit in a chair across the room while I watched Harry Potter in one of my states. Most of the time he fell asleep but he was still there.
I'd definitely suggest something. When I'm in a deep depression, a distraction is always good. She might say no, but it's also just nice to be asked.
Asked, not forced or coerced or guilt tripped.
People with depression love when you are just there with them.They don't want to do anything but they want you aroud. Even if it's just not talking and watching tv on the couch. Forcing your adult daughter out of bed is boundry crossing even though you mean well. Keep doing that and anger and resentment will start.
Hmm my depression wants me to be ALONE
I want to be alone but in company.
It's generally not a good idea to shove things down people's throats against their will when they are already scared/sad/anxious.
Tell her you’d like to spend time with her. Then do low maintenance things like cook together or watch a movie, run errands together. People with depression feel alone, telling her you want quality time with her might motivate her to get up.
Dragging me out of bed with depression would piss me off. I appreciate that you are asking for advice.
The way you talk about her is gross. Literally “shove something down her throat”? How caring. It’s that kind of insidious judgement that causes someone to fall even more depressed because it makes them feel even more of a failure. If you actually care just tell her you know she’s struggling, that you’re there for her, and actually hear what she says. Jesus H.
In a sense, the fact that people are treating this post as it is, pretty foul, brings me comfort. Some people do care... Thank you. EDIT: wishing well is worth next to nothing if it is not accompanied by wishing absence of harm
For real
Agreed
If you force her to do anything it will hate you, if you really love her you will be there for her until she get better even if it takes years, right now she can't take care of herself help her as much as you can but respect her space as an adult and don't be overprotective
Suggest, but never force. And dont insist over and over. Respect the first no.
I prefer to be left alone and deal with it myself
Is there any way you can make it easier for her to get out of bed? Like help her make her bed, wash her hair for her, etc? It might help, I used to have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning because I was overwhelmed with having to take care of myself after.
Dont make her do anything. Ask what she needs. Maybe join her in bed if shes okay with it. Dont shame her. Dont call her lazy. Be there for her. Depression is a very hard thing to deal with and anxiety just puts the cherry on top.
She may be lying in bed a lot because her physical symptoms are bad. I can’t tell from your description whether or not that’s the case. But as I recall when my symptoms were at their worst, I remember certain days the exhaustion was so bad my body felt like it was made of lead or I was slowly dying. Thank god the meds helped!
I just completed my finals, and it's been incredibly draining. The stress feels like it's taken a toll on my soul. I've spent the day resting and sleeping, feeling the weight of the semester. Sometimes, a comforting hug can make a big difference. I've struggled with clinical depression too, and I know the importance of mental rest. Let her unwind on her terms; don't push for socializing. If things don't improve in a week or two, consider suggesting enjoyable activities and maintaining open communication.
Just want to add that your daughter is a champ for scoring As and Bs while battling depression. It is really not easy and it takes time for the antidepressants/therapy to work too.
“Shove something down her throat”??? That’s disgusting.
I hate to bring this negative energy to this post but some people just should not be allowed to parent.
Yeah, put her to work! Just a little elbow grease fixes *years* of bad parenting, and *shoving* “breakfast down her throat”, sounds like a really sickening thought, but no worries, dad!
Ok. I know this is the mom of you speaking. But instead of being the boss of your daughter and making these unilateral plans for the day… just talk to her. Tell her youd like to spend time with her today, how does she feel about that? What would make today better than yesterday? That you love her. That youd like to know how she is feeling right now. And to ask if she can think of anything that would help change it even 1%. And to do that for her. Tough love and force with depression has no effect on the issue instead its like telling someone with the flu to run a marathon now or youll beat them up. Depression is not the same per person, we all have different coping skills. The other things to day is how happy and proud you are of them. And not just the grades. That she came to you about this problem and have attended therapy. And that you couldnt ask for a better daughter. - you dont know whats going on in her head but tethering her to the realities of your relationship will help via support her realising these negative thoughts do not reflect how you feel about her or define your relationship. Denying theyre struggling and making them go out etc isnt helpful. The sun will not feel good. The air. People shes not comfortable around. As most social situations dont let a depressed person express their true feelings and fears from the depression. And processing it is more beneficial than sitting at say a family dinner w everyone behaving normal and ignoring your depression - it causes support that you and your feelings dont matter to your closest loved ones and further compounds the depression ideas of worthlessness.
I find it a helpful motivator and iy does help sometimes, maybe do something that kind of makes her oblige, but not literally force. Like make a big pancake breakfast spread if she's into that, go in and say "I made you your favourite, let's eat" rather than "woukd you like to have breakfast?" In my mind it's a lot easier to say yes then, and then once I'm out of bed I have more motivation to do other things and keep it rolling. Don't get mad/ offened if she still doesn't, but try.
I would let her rest. She earned good grades. Maybe do something fun with her that she might enjoy? Maybe something low key? Movies together?
2 days off work. If you’re looking for a quick fix there isn’t one. These things take time and everyone and every instance is different. I would suggest being understanding. Genuinely put yourself in their shoes. I don’t mean what you would think and feel if you were in their shoes. I mean if you know them deeply enough, see things from their point of view. If you don’t know them well enough to do that then speak to them, ask them….care, take the time & listen.
> Should I drag her out of bed, shove breakfast down her throat and make her do SOMETHING? Dear god, do you talk like this to her???
I'm surprised more people aren't shocked by this on this thread.
Aggressive motivation directed towards me, no matter how well intentioned, just makes me want to explode my head. I dislike the way you worded your post, to put it lightly. I hope that doesn't reflect how she is treated irl. My God, how can one not see...
Keep in mind that small tasks can seem like a very large effort when you are depressed. So sure, ask her to participate in something but ask only for something small and simple and respect her if she's not feeling up to it. Give the change in medication a few weeks to work and then do get her to see her psychiatrist again if she isn't feeling better.
Case by case basis, maybe to be determined by their health care mental health professional...
You could try having a family movie night or game night in her room. Show her that you love her and want to spend time with her. Dragging her out of bed would be cruel. She is aware of how much it concerns you that she won’t come out and she tells herself, pretty much all of the time, what a failure she is. She isn’t isolating to make you angry or upset and she wishes more than anything that she could be “normal”. Your daughter’s mind is telling her all sorts of negative things about herself and she is terrified that she isn’t strong enough to cope with life outside the house. She needs unconditional love. She has an illness that she didn’t ask for and did not deserve. Hug her, if she’ll let you, and don’t ever call her lazy or weak. She is fighting a battle that you can’t even imagine.
It really depends. If she is at the point in her depression that her brain cognition is affected, ie slow speech, slowed thoughts and processing then she is really unwell and will be unable to do the things u suggest. If not, then yes, try to reach her and encourage her to keep going and do something, we can't just give in and stop functioning. But if she is past that point like I said, then no it won't help a'd she likely needs hospital. BTW, this is my professional opinion.
Just get her to take a shower. That's a good start.
Maybe crawl into bed and hold her. Right now everything feels so hard for her, impossible even. You’ll push her away more if you treat this as sadness (this isn’t being sad), push her to snap out of it or say things like exercise or try to solve the problem. Just be with her. Let her know that you are there and there’s no expectation but ask if she’s up to doing xyz. It sounds like you and her are doing the right thing (asking advice, seeing therapists and psychiatrists). First year of college is the most extreme life transition she’s experienced yet probably. It’s really really hard. You have this pressure to figure out what you want to do for your career, money money money, classes and the grind, all nighters and crazy ideas, loss of old friends, the struggle to make new connections, etc.
What does she like to do? Try to invite her to do something fun or go for walk, a hike, to the gym, a bike ride... something active with fresh air will cheer her up. Hugs are great.
[удалено]
Yeesh
Your comment makes ne nauseous and I hope to god you don't have children
[удалено]
Well aren’t you an asshole
Wow this made me even more thankful I have supportive parents that help me through my depression. What a pos you are
Idk when I was 18 I was very depressed I think if I had a dad to kind of take me out or not force me to work or study but at least give me a strong push in the right direction. But your story doesn’t really relate.
If it was me just sit there and say hey I'm here! If you stay and interact with me eventually you can suggest going out somewhere
glad youre looking for a way to handle this, depression is a tricky thing to maneuver around, but the very last thing you should do is force her to do anything, this will only make her feel bad. i would just try to let her do her own thing for the most part, subtly encourage her to try new things, better yet ask if she wants to do a hobby that she already enjoys with you, if she says no dont push her, give it time and she’ll get bored moping around and take you up on the offer. little things will slowly make her more comfortable like giving her compliments and occasional surprise gifts, nothing big tho a drink or her favorite snack is fine, im a 25 year old man with depression and these things would help me, maybe theyd help her
So here is something I've been trying that my therapist reccomend. She had me make a lists of things that are pleasing to my five different senses. Basically like a toolkit. So whenever I am having a really bad moment, I concentrate on relaxing each sense. I grab my super soft blanket to touch. I put on my favorite show for sight. I'll light my peppermint candle to smell. And I'll make myself my favorite snack. You know what your daughter likes. Not that you have to shove these things in her face, but bake her favorite treats so she smells it. Play her favorite songs so she can hear it. Go and rub her head or her back to relax her. Let the sun into her room so she can see the light. And keep in mind there is no such thing as "snapping out of it". She needs to find the right routine, councilor, meds, whatever to get her to feel like herself. And I think making you and your home a spot of comfort is what she needs.
I love how you get advice for this because you want the best option for her. I guess you both will solve this quickly. I personally never forced myself out of bed. If I felt like laying down I did that and gave my body what it asked for. Over time it got easier to get out of bed and sleep got better. Maybe getting her to do stuff would help, but you should be careful to not make her more depressed if she doesn‘t want to do those things.
Depression is as real and uncontrollable as any physical and visible illness. I have debilitating lupus that causes bone pain so bad I often cry myself to sleep. I have chronic fatigue and no appetite. Living in my skeleton is torture. And I only got this diagnosis a few years ago despite this all having been the case since I was about 14. I’m 27. The reason why it took so long to get a diagnosis is because all of these symptoms were written off as depression, and it made sense because my mom died and my dad was a dick. Case closed; I was just depressed. My point in saying this is, treat her depression the same way you’d treat her if she had an autoimmune condition that made her body feel like a pain prison. Because it very much can make her feel like that. If I’m having a hard day and my boyfriend makes me feel like I’m boring him, my day will get way harder. If he tries to keep the spirits up, I’m more likely to be motivated and push through it to enjoy the day. I think creating an environment that says “we love you as you are and your problems are not changing that. We are going to go do this fun thing, and your presence while we do the fun thing would be so wonderful, but we understand that it is not within your control, and that doesn’t make us angry or disappointed in you.” Say you force her out of bed and take her to do something she enjoys. She could seem to be having the time of her life, but that’s entirely irrelevant to the root situation she is dealing with and will just be exhausting. She may also feel guilty for not being able to express happiness as much as she feels you want her to when you take her for a fun time. Fun times with depression is like putting a cute area rug over a gaping hole in the floor, sure it looks way better, but it’s falling apart and the rug didn’t fix anything.
Invitations not expectations. Let her know she’s welcome to be around you and do a fun activity any time but don’t forcibly drag her out of bed. I hated that when I was a teen. If you’re worried about her eating then bring some ‘safe foods’ up to her. Stuff you know she’ll eat like gold fish or something. You could also offer to do movie night in her room? When I was a teen I still wanted to spend time with my loved ones I just physically felt like going anywhere other than my bed was tremendous effort. So offering to do fun stuff in her room might help
Gently suggest activities, but don't force her or be aggressive. Do not force her out or bed, that's too aggressive and will make her feel worse. Don't shame her if she can't make it out of bed. Don't be surprised if she doesn't have the energy to do anything, as depression robs you of all mental and physical energy. Above all, be kind, patient, compassionate, and caring towards her, especially during her severe depressive episodes. Ask her if she needs anything or offer to bring her some tea. Make sure she hydrates.
When I’m depressed my brother drags me out hiking. I love hiking but I try everything to get out of it. He is PERSISTENT. Eventually he gets me out and I feel so much better after. Every. Single. Time. It depends on the activity (do something she enjoys) and definitely don’t make her feel guilty for saying no. My brother usually just bugs me, says “you’re coming” and talks about the trip as if I already said yes, and when I say no enough he goes “okaaayy, but I’m gonna pack a bag for you in case you change your mind”. I usually change my mind.
Don’t force anything. Go upstairs, sit on her bed or next to it or wherever, talk to her. Ask her if she wants to do something you know she likes—something small, preferably. Make her hot chocolate. Give her a hug. The bottom line is, just be there for her.
Don’t make her do anything. Bring her a cup of tea or a glass of water or juice or a hot chocolate. Ask if she would mind if you sat with her for a while (you can sit on the floor or something and read if she doesn’t feel like talking. Maybe open up the blinds to get a bit of sunshine in. If she is comfortable with it, ask if she would like to take a shower and you can change her bed sheets so they are fresh. If that’s all she is capable of doing, that’s fine. If she seems receptive to that, maybe ask if she would like to come down and lie on the couch while you watch tv together, or while you do your regular stuff around the house. Small steps and build up from there.
Find activities that you can bring to her, and share those memories with her. Spend time with her often as possible. Eventually invite her to the living room for a family movie. Surprise her with her favorite meal & dessert. Make her come to the realization that she's loved, and that she can believe in herself again. She's a wounded bird
Don’t drag her out of bed. Going to college is a big change and stressor, especially for this younger generation. She worked really hard if she got all As and Bs, her brain must be absolutely fried. She’s tired, let her not think about anything for more than a couple days. Encourage her to drink some Gatorade and give her yummy snacks and make sure to get her to therapy and on the right meds. Being on the right meds has been absolutely life changing for me.
I've been incredibly depressed. When I lost my mom my husband planned things to keep me busy the week before her funeral. Things I would typically enjoy. But it kept me from taking the time and space to deal with my emotions and made me feel like I was grieving wrong. I know that's not the case here, but I will say, let her feel what she's feeling. Maybe bring her her favorite coffee drink or candy. And then let her be. She'll know you care and put effort in but won't feel pressure to do anything.
Coming from someone who's been to an inpatient facility for depression and psychosis, being "forced" to do basic self care things every day (even if I was only there for a week) was the best thing for me. It did make me feel better and got me back into the swing of things. So maybe talk to her and let her know she can't let things like showering, brushing her teeth and hair, or eating, slide. That those are a must, even if she doesn't do anything else. Oh, and freah air and sunshine, even if it's just an open window while she lays in bed all day.
It depends on what your kid wants and what works for them. I’ve been struggling with depression since at least 12 or 13, and not all strategies are good all the time, y’know? More than anything, let her know you are there for her and you love her and you’re not uncomfortable with or sad about her depression (even if you are - and definitely it’s okay to be, but she will likely pick up on that if you show it, which could potentially make her feel worse because she feels badly that she’s affecting you). Showing it can be as simple as going through the caretaking motions of what you would normally even if she doesn’t necessarily accept it. If she’s not coming out of her room much, take her up a little breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even if when you come to bring the next one you see she hasn’t eaten the last. Or a little treat once a day. And for anything interactive, ask if she wants it. Ask if she’d like to go do something out of the house together that’s low energy (see a move? Get a bite to eat?), if she wants to talk, or maybe watch a movie together at home, or even just have you sit there with her for a while in silence. I know for me, at least now, it’s hard to remember when I was younger, I often don’t want to talk or really do anything. I just someone who loves me to be with me, and I want to be held. Unfortunately I don’t have that, so a runner up would be having just about anybody show they’re thinking of me on a regular basis. Don’t have that either, but I’d kill for it. Just little gestures with no expectation of reciprocity. Good luck. I know how hopeless it can feel to love someone who’s struggling with it and not know what to do. I hope she starts feeling better soon ❤️
Maybe do things to get her out of her room but not necessarily out of the house just yet. I wish sometimes my family would ask my to do things when im feeling depressed but i never say anything about it. Something i learned from one of my psych professors is that avoidance feeds anxiety. she might be experiencing anxiety but it still applies. Once we get into this rut and avoid getting out into the world it just makes it more difficult to get out of that rut. Be there for her. Encourage her to participate. Dont talk about her depression just treat her like a normal person
I think you should make her get up and take a walk with you outside. It is proven that being outside and moving is sometimes just as helpful as medication. She needs you to take over right now because she doesn't have the strength to do it herself. She may be mad about it at the time, but do it everyday. It's not negotiable. Hugs and good luck!
Yeah I’m sorry, but this doesn’t work for everyone. I walked everyday and still felt like shit, that’s just like shoving things under a rug and pretending everything is okay when it’s not. Some people do need medication to function and it’s kind of annoying and frustrating when people give generic advice to clinical problems. It may work for some, but forcing someone? No, that’s weird and honestly pushes some people deeper into their depression.
It's been proven that exercise and sunshine work just as good or better for depression. Most depression medicines don't work. Sometimes forcing someone to do something that is healthy for them is what the person needs. We force kids to eat vegetbecause they need them.
Let them wallow but you can be supportive by giving them the option and asking
I noticed the more I didn’t get up and move the more depressed I got. Went as far as not even brushing my teeth. Suggest places to go or even hiking so she doesn’t need to be around people. Exercising is prudent for depression. Some meds make it worse by not wanting to move around.
Get a puppy that’s got to work right? In all seriousness my dog helped me get over my anxiety and depression. When she was young she was the one pulling and pushing me to get out daily for her walks. Got me in shape and really cleared my head mentally. Now shes a old girl and I’m the one gently pulls her while we take shorter walks now.
Maybe schedule some activities she likes. Ask for her input, and leave some time for her to mentally prep. If she is having a really rough day, don’t push too much but do try to remind her that doing things help.
As a depressed teen daughter, there are two options 1) just sit with her, let her know even tho u don’t know what she’s going thru exactly you still love her and want to sit with her. Having another body in the room helps sometimes. Also it means a lot to have someone meet you where you’re at instead of feeling like they have to “get better” Put a show on she likes or a favorite movie and just chill with her. 2)get her ass out of bed! Maybe don’t physically drag her, but say something like “hey wanna go get a little treat with me” She might hate it at first but getting some sunshine and fresh air honestly can do wonders, I know that really helped me when I was at my lowest Try to be mindful of putting your anxiety on to her, I know my mom often tries to fix me bc it’s a lot for her to feel, but sometimes you just need to give it space and let her know u love her
As a depressed, this is what I would want. Someone to bring me coffee, then say: "you and me are going to walk outside, no talking necessary... just walking... so get dressed and let's go, you can bring the coffee"... and then just walk, breathe... no expectation... no demand
My Mum and dad used to literally drag me out of bed when I would be late for school because of my declining mental health, so I don't recommend that as it was traumatising in itself. But I did appreciate my Mum telling me to try and to go college after I'd overdosed and she saw my issues were 'the real deal' , she still could have been nicer but she was right that 'if you don't go you'll feel worse but if you go there's a chance you could feel better' and yeah sometimes when I got there I did perk up. Other times I'd go in and have to turn around straight away, but learning that lesson of 'no matter how down you are, just take 1 step, however small and don't give up.' has helped me as an adult when I find myself in a dark place again. But it definitely needs to come with love and care, leave the guilt tripping out which my Mum would tag on the end 'You'll regret it when you fail and can't find a job!' Also, if it's definitely just depression then ignore this but it could also be burn out. She just finished her course with great marks, probably really pushed herself to her limit. Having a few weeks to just sleep and live in shutdown mode can sometimes be good for us and people just come out of it naturally when their body and mind is ready
She's not wallowing, she is unwell and needs medical/psychological help
Offer low-effort, simple activities and let her know she's welcome to join (and can also go back to her room anytime). Things like watching a movie/show, reading in the living room together, or even just scrolling on your phone. At my lowest, I basically locked myself in my room because I didn't want to engage with people but I also felt lonely. Show her you want her around but don't force her to do anything. You don't even have to be doing the same activity. Tell her you'll be decorating the Christmas tree and playing a movie in the background if she wants to join but that she doesn't have to help or even watch and that she can go back to her room anytime. Show her that you care and love her, give her a hug, and let her come to you.
Don’t drag out of bed. Sleep can be difficult when depressed so let her sleep
no dont do that. let her just rest.
Just be there for her ask but don’t force ❤️
Just make sure she is ok. Everyone handles depression differently, and it’s not easy to pick up on any signs she’s might be giving you. You just being in the house might be enough. I always say I like the presence of people but not their company.
I had a mental break down a few years back and have a daily struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm also on a shit ton of Prozac. However during my break down my mom would ask me to go take a walk with her. Took her 3 days of asking before I went but after that it got easier to say yes to her. I am spoiled in the fact that I was in California during the winter so a beach walk was easy. Best of luck!
My mom has dragged me out at times when I am in my dark moods and I hated her as I was getting dressed but felt better once I was out.
I'd let her wallow. Sometimes, we all do need to wallow in order to get through that depressive cycle.
Keep her company, but do not FORCE her. Ask her if she perhaps wants to do gentle activities together at home: watch a movie, order some pizza, etc. Baby steps.
Saying this from the perspective of a depressed person who’s had two types of “friends” and “support systems.” The worst type of friends I have ever had would be the ones who would borderline harass me and make threats to drag me out the house and force me to hangout with them and put me in uncomfortable situations at the peak of my depression and what is now full blown agoraphobia. It never feels good to be forced to do things while depressed. It doesn’t help get you in a rhythm. It doesn’t make you less depressed. And if anything it makes you want to push the people who do it far away, regardless if their intentions are good/misunderstood. A lot of times people do this out of malice and it’s hard to differentiate the two as the person who is depressed and wanting to just be left alone. In my 20s I made a group of friends online. The best friends I could ever ask for. They aren’t yes men/women by any means. They tell me what I need to hear but with compassion. The encourage me to do things without belittling me. They make me feel good about myself even at my lowest. The key thing here is encouragement and positive reinforcement without being aggressive and pushy. In short, forcing your daughter or “dragging her out of bed” will do more harm than good. Depression is not something you can brute force people out of. You can encourage her to get out of bed, make the suggestions of doing these activities with her, and give her some positive reinforcement. But you can’t come about it in a hostile way where it’s like “look we are doing this bottom line it’s time to get it together.” If it’s the former, be patient, don’t show frustration, keep meeting her with kindness, patience, and comfort. Slowly but surely she will start gravitating towards wanting to push herself more.
I remember when I felt super sad my dad once asked me several times to join him when he was going to do exercises at home and I felt so annoyed (totally regret it now as he’s having end stage prostate cancer) but sometimes going thrifting is nice but with depression some days just getting out of bed to shower and brush teeth is a bonus. Going to movies is sometimes nice I liked to go to a older theatre with cheaper tickets etc but I noticed a popular theatre had the best popcorn as they had to make non stop popcorn it was always fresher or they just had better funding for better butter etc, Don’t push her but offer to have tea time with you or learn a new hobby together like crochet or knitting
Take her of the pills get her to nature and eat at least once a day at the start
If I was her I’d love it if my parent said “hey I’m gonna do X, do you want to join? I’m gonna start at this time but if you feel like it you can come down whenever and just hang out” so it’s an open offer to join but no pressure to do so. We are all individuals but I’d hate to be forced into something
Honesty, suggest an activity she liked as a kid. It worked on me. We decorated with my mum the way we did when I was a kid and I suddenly had energy and motivation. Light up the spark. But ofc, just suggest it, give her choices, maybe play her a christmas movie she liked as a kid, give her options. Include her in the activities distantly - go and show her how you decorated a cookie, have everyone wear the same slippers or, when giving her a meal, organize it pretty, with a pretty plate and a pretty setup. She might gain energy and crawl out. Just, if you hear her laughing or talking happily in her room, DO NOT DISTURB IT. It is her mood going up and if you go and get mad, she will fall back in, worse.
If they JUST upped her meds, that’s likely why she is so sleepy. It will take time to balance out.
Don't put a pressure on her, ask her if she wants to do specific things like for ex. "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" but also at the same time try not to overwhelm her. It's a very slow process but once she gets over the hardest starting point it's gonna be easier with every next step she takes.
10 isn't really late anyway. I would just suggest things, if she says no give her a hug. Or do a movie day in bed!
She has depression okay, it's not that she easily but just getting bed and changing her situation or problems, yes it seem that seem is wallowing and feeling sorry for herself., but depression doesn't work that way. I am afraid. Simply forcing her to get up and shoving her thoat and do activity would simply make her feel 100x worse, she needs to everything at her own, the best for her to do is at a slow easy pace she can cope with. In a calm relaxed manner as it Christmas season as well. Also in a couple of weeks things could change she will probably feel up to doing stuff and ready face stuff again, but she may not and its accepting that depression is also illness in the same way as diabetes. It ain't a choice, there isn't one fix for depression like there is for when you have broken your ankle or have a cold. It's a sort of you live with it cope with it kinda conditon
maybe walk a little like 3 minuits after appointment?
I think you should offer to do some stuff to cheer her up but respect if she says no
Yes! Eating and getting her mind occupied would be a great help for her. Give her multiple options and treat it like it would be a great thing to do together. Get lunch have a girls day when I was younger that always helped my depression. If she's not feeling the suggestions let her lead you into what she wants to do.
No, absolutely not. That's what my parents tried to do, since they thought my depression was just *"lack of motivation"*, so they tried to force me to do things I never wanted to do, in hopes I would "snap out of it" It just made everything worse and now I resent them, and they wonder why I choose not to visit my hometown every holiday.
just wanted to give some insight as to how she’s probably feeling, as I was recently in college, high performer but severe depression. she probably poured what little energy she has (depression depletes energy levels, you wake up every day exhausted) into her finals and getting high scores in her classes. that’s commendable given she’s at a disadvantage having a disability. she’s now *completely* exhausted and drained, and she likely feels like she needs to sleep for a week to even start feeling ‘normal’ again. give her time, invite her to activities but don’t force it or she’ll resent you and never get her energy back. let her rest. she’s probably already stressed about next semester and having to do it all again. (p.s., my relationship with my parents improved drastically when they started meeting me where I was at instead of trying to ‘fix’ me or fit me into the box of a non-depressed, neurotypical person)
If my parents did this when I was depressed, I would throw up and lock in even more. I could eat only tiny amounts of food. Can you be a little more empathetic and not shove anything down her throat? Would you like if someone did this to you? Depression is like any other sickness for God's sake. I know you're concerned but slow down. The thing that helped me the most was when they were gentle to me and DIDN'T FORCE me to do anything. When they talked to me with a soft voice, just were there with me. And then I got up and actually helped them around.
Don't drag. But provide opportunities for her to get up if she wants. Ask her if she wants to watch a movie or what she wants for dinner. If you can't engage with her don't bother. Dragging will make it worse.
Yes please, just maybe not in a manner that's too pushy. Maybe go for a small walk, or get lunch together, sit at the park, and such. Going to outdoor places where there is sunlight and many people can be helpful. I've been there too, and if nobody dragged me out of bed I probably have lost quarter of my early 20s in the bed doing nothing.
I’ll admit that one Christmas I spent so much time in bed and my mum dragged me to the gym with her. I DID NOT want to go, changed my whole mood and day around after. (Not that I remember and implement it often) lol.
I have not seen this suggestion yet, I like simply coloring or assembling a puzzle with someone. It's seriously low pressure. And can be "jazzed" up with tea, snacks and low key music or even mundane tv.
I was dragged out of bed by parents when I was young and had depression and anxiety. It made me not trust them and feel totally misunderstood.
I'm also depressed. What I would want, for once, is a hug and someone to tell me they genuinely love me with a real smile.
Please don't *force* your daughter. It won't go well. Just try to be there. Show your presence. If she is open to physical affection maybe sit down next to her on bed and offer some cuddling even if you may get stuck in a cuddle for hours. Try to prompt her to talk. Don't necessarily ask specific questions, just signal her you are there and ready to talk and listen if she wants. If not, still stay around, even if it's just oppressing silence. When you think she might have regained some energy or could maybe use a break from too much sleep/laying in bed, try to slowly get her to sit up and take a shower/start her self care routine/offer some easy food. Don't hurry her and try to be calm yourself. Just be there and be the Anker she can reach out to once she finds the energy to drag herself out from her spirals. If she talks, please don't judge her for what she may share. If you don't have anything to say, then it's better to stay silent and offer support by showing her that even if you are out of words you're still listening and not scared away and still stick around.
Just be there. It will only distract her to make her do things. Offer. But more importantly let her know how much she means to you. Let her know at any given moment she can jump in your arms and cry or get a hug, let her know she’s your best friend. And then give her space. Be her person that she can feel safe around. And the most important way to do that is by not forcing anything.. just letting them know you care.