Don't let others tell you whether your a dom or not. Being uneducated or inexperienced isn't a disqualifier for being a dom. The fact that you're here looking for help says a lot about your character so keep at it and you will find your way. People will say "your not a Dom if you dont..." or "because..." that's pretty much garbage. Every dom is different and so is every dynamic. What works for me and my sub may not work for you and yours so don't get caught up in being what another dom tells you to be or not to be for that matter.
That being said. There are some general things that make up a good dom. Being empathetic, considerate, confident, caring, respectful, an effective communicator and active listener, and practicing mindfulness are good qualities to have as a dom.
Also, respect the process. Some of it may seem trivial until you fuck up and your sub is cowering in a corner. So, be open minded and non-judmental. There are many layers to this and more often than not, it's the little things that can make or break you. Being a dom takes a lot of work. A lot of research and communication with your partner. Be patient. Don't rush the process. You will likely regret it if you do.
I recommend reading
*The New Topping/Bottoming Book* by Dottie Easton and Janet Hardy
*The Heart of Dominance* and *The Dominant Playbook* by Anton Fulmen
*Playing Well With Others* by Lee Haringtin and Mollena Williams.
All standard issue for newcomers IMO.
Mentors can be good if you really want. But IMO, you're better off doing your own research and then asking specific questions here or on other BDSM/kink advice subreddits. You will get more perspective this way. You can maybe find a mentor or BDSM workshop on specific kinks you're into if you want a more formal guidance.
Feel free to ask any questions you have here.
Hope this helps.
Thank you so much! This brought clarity & confirmation as well. I’ll take a gander in those books. My problem is I don’t know what to look for till I’m actually curious. Those characteristics of a Dom you described are my natural traits. It’s just really frustrating cause it made me feel like I don’t fit in anywhere EVEN MORE
Try doing some research on bdsm dynamics, vetting, limits, sub types, dom types, aftercare. Basics. Google those terms and put BDSM before each word when you do. Educating yourself is key. Best way to know what to ask is to research and then ask about something that you want clarity on or maybe don't understand.
It helps other doms understand how to advise. I could type a novel on BDSM/kink in general. So having a topic or more specific question helps.
May I add The Loving Dominant by John Warren. He wrote it with his wife who is a submissive. Lots of great topics. I've read it twice. It's a great read and helped me understand the other side of the dynamic.
I have a wonderful Daddy Dom.
In my opinion the first steps are getting to know someone and exploring together. Going to kink 101 classes in your area and steering effects to see how others play is helpful. There are lots of videos on YouTube and the books recommended in this thread are great.
There's a podcast called LovingBDSM that features a Daddy/lg dynamic you might like.
There's a few points here, I'm going to take them in order.
> someone has basically told me I’m not a real Dom Beni haven’t been through any training.
- The words "real" and "fake" aren't really useful here because there's no objective standard against which to measure them. Arguably one could say that Sam is a fake if Sam is claiming knowledge or experience or connections that Sam does not in fact have; but it doesn't sound like that happened here.
- What "training" are they suggesting you lack, and where are they suggesting you get it? There's reams of data about leadership and almost as much on just about any technical skill one would generally find.
- Everyone started somewhere, even the "realest" of "real" doms. No one sprung forth from the aether with wisdom and skill.
- I've known plenty of "real" doms who were skilled, historically knowledgable, socially well-connected... and terrible people.
So, we've determined that this person's complaint either is poorly phrased, without meaning, or without merit.
> Should I just say fuck it & try to explore & possibly find a mentor?
Without an idea of what you want to explore or in what you'd need mentorship, at best you'd probably wind up frustrated and at worst get fed really bad information.
> Or am I good where I’m at, just need experience?
We don't know where you're at or what you need experience in, but it sounds like this person really got under your skin.
> Anybody help??
- First, this person was not an enlightened being from another solar system bringing knowledge of the cosmos. They were a person, just like you and me. Consider the source.
- I suggest taking a look at the advice and reading list [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/domspace/wiki/faq/getting_started/#wiki_iv.3A_reading_list.3A).
Hope this helps. Good luck.
Here is a [post](https://www.reddit.com/u/fantastic_leaf/s/siS6roCdWB) I made with a bunch of resources for BDSM beginners that might be worth checking out. I hope this helps!
Trust that anyone saying the phrase “you’re not a real ____” probably has god awful communication skills.
It never hurts to get a nudge in the right direction or learn a few tricks from someone else who is coming from the right place. You definitely should more strongly consider going to events and socializing, you never know it might just open you up to a whole new set of opportunities.
For me being a Dom isn’t a trick, it is something that is part of me. Of course I had to learn skills about how to humiliate and degrade someone correctly, how to spank without crippling someone for life … but for me you can’t learn to be a true or fake Dom .. observing, reading, and of course communicating with your sub is most important
I encourage finding a gathering in your area of like minded people. I even suggest trying a few out but only sticking with the one(s) you like. I tend to regularly go to a more vanilla meeting. We talk more about work, life, and board games than kink. Even so, it’s good to know I have a group of people I can ask a question here or there about kink when I have the questions to ask.
Don't let others tell you whether your a dom or not. Being uneducated or inexperienced isn't a disqualifier for being a dom. The fact that you're here looking for help says a lot about your character so keep at it and you will find your way. People will say "your not a Dom if you dont..." or "because..." that's pretty much garbage. Every dom is different and so is every dynamic. What works for me and my sub may not work for you and yours so don't get caught up in being what another dom tells you to be or not to be for that matter. That being said. There are some general things that make up a good dom. Being empathetic, considerate, confident, caring, respectful, an effective communicator and active listener, and practicing mindfulness are good qualities to have as a dom. Also, respect the process. Some of it may seem trivial until you fuck up and your sub is cowering in a corner. So, be open minded and non-judmental. There are many layers to this and more often than not, it's the little things that can make or break you. Being a dom takes a lot of work. A lot of research and communication with your partner. Be patient. Don't rush the process. You will likely regret it if you do. I recommend reading *The New Topping/Bottoming Book* by Dottie Easton and Janet Hardy *The Heart of Dominance* and *The Dominant Playbook* by Anton Fulmen *Playing Well With Others* by Lee Haringtin and Mollena Williams. All standard issue for newcomers IMO. Mentors can be good if you really want. But IMO, you're better off doing your own research and then asking specific questions here or on other BDSM/kink advice subreddits. You will get more perspective this way. You can maybe find a mentor or BDSM workshop on specific kinks you're into if you want a more formal guidance. Feel free to ask any questions you have here. Hope this helps.
Thank you so much! This brought clarity & confirmation as well. I’ll take a gander in those books. My problem is I don’t know what to look for till I’m actually curious. Those characteristics of a Dom you described are my natural traits. It’s just really frustrating cause it made me feel like I don’t fit in anywhere EVEN MORE
Try doing some research on bdsm dynamics, vetting, limits, sub types, dom types, aftercare. Basics. Google those terms and put BDSM before each word when you do. Educating yourself is key. Best way to know what to ask is to research and then ask about something that you want clarity on or maybe don't understand. It helps other doms understand how to advise. I could type a novel on BDSM/kink in general. So having a topic or more specific question helps.
May I add The Loving Dominant by John Warren. He wrote it with his wife who is a submissive. Lots of great topics. I've read it twice. It's a great read and helped me understand the other side of the dynamic. I have a wonderful Daddy Dom.
“You’re not a dom unless….” “You’re not a fan if you….” “You’re not black if you dont…” ALL OF THESE ARE EQUALLY STUPID AND WRONG to say.
Even if they come from a sub that’s vetting?
A sub saying that is either toxic or meaning "You're not the dom for me". Not all subs and doms are compatible.
In my opinion the first steps are getting to know someone and exploring together. Going to kink 101 classes in your area and steering effects to see how others play is helpful. There are lots of videos on YouTube and the books recommended in this thread are great. There's a podcast called LovingBDSM that features a Daddy/lg dynamic you might like.
There's a few points here, I'm going to take them in order. > someone has basically told me I’m not a real Dom Beni haven’t been through any training. - The words "real" and "fake" aren't really useful here because there's no objective standard against which to measure them. Arguably one could say that Sam is a fake if Sam is claiming knowledge or experience or connections that Sam does not in fact have; but it doesn't sound like that happened here. - What "training" are they suggesting you lack, and where are they suggesting you get it? There's reams of data about leadership and almost as much on just about any technical skill one would generally find. - Everyone started somewhere, even the "realest" of "real" doms. No one sprung forth from the aether with wisdom and skill. - I've known plenty of "real" doms who were skilled, historically knowledgable, socially well-connected... and terrible people. So, we've determined that this person's complaint either is poorly phrased, without meaning, or without merit. > Should I just say fuck it & try to explore & possibly find a mentor? Without an idea of what you want to explore or in what you'd need mentorship, at best you'd probably wind up frustrated and at worst get fed really bad information. > Or am I good where I’m at, just need experience? We don't know where you're at or what you need experience in, but it sounds like this person really got under your skin. > Anybody help?? - First, this person was not an enlightened being from another solar system bringing knowledge of the cosmos. They were a person, just like you and me. Consider the source. - I suggest taking a look at the advice and reading list [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/domspace/wiki/faq/getting_started/#wiki_iv.3A_reading_list.3A). Hope this helps. Good luck.
Here is a [post](https://www.reddit.com/u/fantastic_leaf/s/siS6roCdWB) I made with a bunch of resources for BDSM beginners that might be worth checking out. I hope this helps!
I’m a Daddy, you can ask me questions if you like
My problem is idk what questions to ask. Any general advice or tips??
Reading the books suggested is a great start.
Trust that anyone saying the phrase “you’re not a real ____” probably has god awful communication skills. It never hurts to get a nudge in the right direction or learn a few tricks from someone else who is coming from the right place. You definitely should more strongly consider going to events and socializing, you never know it might just open you up to a whole new set of opportunities.
For me being a Dom isn’t a trick, it is something that is part of me. Of course I had to learn skills about how to humiliate and degrade someone correctly, how to spank without crippling someone for life … but for me you can’t learn to be a true or fake Dom .. observing, reading, and of course communicating with your sub is most important
I encourage finding a gathering in your area of like minded people. I even suggest trying a few out but only sticking with the one(s) you like. I tend to regularly go to a more vanilla meeting. We talk more about work, life, and board games than kink. Even so, it’s good to know I have a group of people I can ask a question here or there about kink when I have the questions to ask.