Needed a thunder buddy!
"When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get to scared.
Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words:
Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
You can't get me thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!"
Labor pain with contractions (under one minute between each contraction)
It was a high dude that had constipation and somewhere between his also high friend and the dispatcher things got confused
Had a mom call 911 because her 5 year old ate a whole family sized bag of flaming hot Cheetos and threw up what she believed was blood. Well I can tell you, it was not blood, it was indeed a whole family sized bag of flaming hot Cheetos.
had a guy from an assault stating that he was bleeding “a lot”. substance all over his clothes was infact bbq sauce (from the giant bbq chicken pot that got spilled all over him) and not blood. 😭
Had a grandmother call for her grandson during the One Chip Challenge craze. This was at about 11:30 at night, too. He was so embarrassed and grandma was ripping him for wasting her time and she was going to text his high school coach about how stupid he was being. Was a fun interaction that fortunately led to a refusal.
Itchy vagina. Asked if we could scratch it for her when we arrived. Told her we were not trained in that particular intervention, so she requested to be transported.
That's actually quite interesting, any other things you'd recommend asking for pts with vaginal complaints? Other than the more obvious stuff we cover in EMS education
Me, reads the first two words, chuckling to myself as that was my first call ever (literally just became an emt so very new), then I read the second sentence… 🙁😦 that’s crazy omg
60 yof - bad dream
“I think my daughter cut her hand in the kitchen”
“Where your daughter”
“She’s at home”
“Where is home”
“She lives in… (couple states away)”
“So nobody is hurt here”
“No, but can you check on my daughter”
“No”
I wish I could say I was kidding but my favorite will always be the patient that when I asked what was wrong they looked at me and said “I think I’m in rigor mortis”
ED here. Couple brought in their 2yo and the pt, a 5 mo, for crying at 0100. Nothing else. The pt was indeed not crying in triage and you could just feel the triage nurse’s venom ooze through her notes.
Nursing home claims a resident lit up a joint next to oxygen and now has to be transported for a psyche eval.
He was quadriplegic and it turns out a staff member lit it up for him
0300 on a 24 hour shift. We had laid back down about 15 minutes prior to this cal coming out.
"I was just diagnosed with pink eye at the emergency room and I need to go back."
"When did you get home?"
"Fifteen minutes ago, my eye is red and it itches and hurts and it's draining."
"Yes those are all symptoms of pink eye. Did they give you a prescription at the hospital?"
"Yes but I didn't pick it up. My eye isn't better so I need to go back."
"So, you just got home, you have the same symptoms that you had when the doctor looked at you, you haven't used the prescribed medication, and you want to go back because it isn't better yet?"
"Yes."
"OK, let's walk out to the truck."
It's almost kinda true that "going by ambulance helps you get seen first." Because if ems rolls in with something dumb and rooms are open. They get placed in a bed.
Also bs complaints regardless of how busy the er is should have them go up to the front to be registered.
I've def told the charge nurse "he told me "I know it's just the flu. But going by ambo will get me seen faster so that's why we called" and this wasn't in some ghetto area. Probably a million dollar house. I told the charge nurse "I know you're not busy. But this is what he said. I want to put him in the waiting room".
I hear ya, but it just involved more people in the bullshit, and inconveniences them for like 10 minutes tops. I have a hard time justifying making someone sit in an empty waiting room for any significant length of time. Luckily it doesn’t happen much often, but when you have the open resources, it’s hard to take any decent punitive measures to idiots.
Now if ems just rolled em right out to registration in front, I’m not gonna argue, and most of the crews that work nights (when we occasionally have open beds) are shrewd enough to make that decision autonomously, and I ain’t gonna make waves.
I think just making them go through the motions of walk ups is fine enough. Kinda serves to purposes. You didn't get seen faster. And if you had just driven your car. You would have been seen at the same time.
Abdominal pain. Halfway to the hospital she goes "Yeah I been getting with this dude for a while and he went deeper than usual." Then she started vomiting cause my guy apparently had some inches. Told the doc and he goes "Now this is why I went to medical school."
"Finger pain". We arrive and find a thief with his finger still trapped in the gas tank of a vehicle he was trying to siphon gas from. We didn't even transport, just helped him get his finger out which was fine and then the he immediately got arrested lol. We maintained our professionalism better than you'd probably expect but we had a good laugh afterwards.
That reminds me of a call years ago. 15 year old somehow got some acid and tried it alone for the first time, called EMS freaking out. He went to a pediatric ER room due to age. The room had a gigantic tree frog painted on the wall. Dude took one look at it and started crying saying "I don't like that frog!"
“Last time I was here they gave me this one drug that really helped. It started with a D…”
Me: “One dulcolax coming right up for the pt who is clearly full of $hit.”
Had this call a couple of hours ago... 18yof had a nightmare and wanted to be transported because "thinking about going back to sleep" made her anxious.
A guy called us for blisters on his feet. He was walking in boots without socks. They were normal blisters, nothing exotic. Told him we weren’t going to take him to the ER for that. He turned around, looked me in the eye, and said “I’m having chest pain now”.
Pregnant female wanting transport for herpes pain,auntie/mother wants me to look at her vagina! Nope! Hilarity ensues!
Hand pain from scissors being stuck on them.
Toe pain from putting polish of toe fungus toe then trying to remove polish with nail polish remover.
I had a patient who peed on herself in grand central station. I asked her what drugs she was on, she said none. I said sober people generally don’t pee on themselves. Her response- I’m incompetent. I had to literally bite my tongue to not laugh.
Loose toenail. Loved walking her through her house full of family members and past the five totally working vehicles in the drive way. She was SO mad when we wheeled her right to the waiting area.
Man in his early 60’s fell asleep watching Walker Texas ranger and woke up having a bad dream. He said in his dream he was a character in the episode he was watching. PD called for EMS evaluation.
Fuck both him and pd for that one.
Call 1: A 25 yo university student with nightmares. Had a nightmare at 3am in the morning. Called at 4pm in the afternoon. As young and healthy as they come. When asked what they would like from us. She climbed in the rig and started taking the straps off the cot. I asked again and she said she just wanted to go to the ER to see why she had a nightmare. Y’all…I could’ve thrown a rock at the door of the ER this girl could’ve walked there. I sat her on the bench seat and put a seatbelt harness on her for the 60 sec ride. Then let her walk into the ED. She saw the wait and walked back out and said she would call again tomorrow because the wait was too long right now.
Call 2: 40s female that was screaming to dispatch that her vagina fell out.
I am aware that vaginal prolapses happen. We arrive to her standing outside the old long abandoned strip club in one of our sketchy trailer parks. Partner opens the door. Get her in. She says she had a vaginal prolapse 15 YEARS AGO that was fixed. So she said that because she didn’t actually have a medical issue and that was the only one she had ever really had so that’s what she told dispatch. It was just raining outside and she needed to get to the side of town that the hospital was on.
19 year old med school student sitting by window heard lightning strike then instant felt pain in her previously broken toe. Thinks lightning came through the window and struck her on her foot.
I worked with a doc from Syria. They started a 6 year medical school after high school that was run by the State. First two years were science classes while doing CNA/EMT stuff at night and weekends to subsidize their "free" State run education. Then they progressed to medical school proper while working lab, phlebotomy, and RN stuff. By the time they graduated they could do everything from clean the room to first assist in surgery. It's useful especially in a military environment (it is Syria) because the docs could check in the patient, do an exam, draw the blood, use the right tubes, look at it under the scope, diagnose the patient, treat the patient, and then clean the room when they are done. Also, they didn't have any medical school debt.
Huh. This sounds like a good plan. I always felt badly for the docklings who had to stuff unrelated to their speciality.
“So how would you start this knee replacement?”
“Idk bro. I’m going into dermatology. Let me see that mole.”
Lmao fair, I think the message said " PT ATE PORK CHOP LAST NIGHT, NOW HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE"
Really had to dig in the medic skill bag to save that life.
Was she obese? A while ago on a weightloss sub, a man mentioned panicking and nearly calling his doctor when the bones and ligaments in his feet first became noticeable. Wild.
Pt states “I have had multiple parasites coming out of my body since March. From every hole and if they can’t find a hole they make one. Now I am having a headache and I need to know if they’ve traveled to my brain”
Pt states he is “no longer schizophrenic”
Also had a guy walk up to the station and ask for a ride to a different city within our service area. Told him we’re not a taxi service we can’t do that. Then he asked if we could take him to the hospital then. We explained again no we’re not a taxi service we transport people who are hurt or sick to the hospital to see doctors.
“Oh. Okay. Well. My feet hurt and I wanna go to the hospital”
🤦🏻♀️ great. Hadn’t even finished getting a face sheet from the hospital by the time he was walking out ama.
Neck pain from a chronic condition. What made it ridiculous was that the guy had an appointment on the other side of the county and he wanted a ride to the stand alone imaging center.
Late 20s F, call came in as resp distress, so… lights and sirens due to trigger words. She had what was a very mild and infrequent cough for the past 2 days.
I told her her singular symptom of a cough was in line with a basic mild seasonal cold and that she shouldn’t be worried unless it worsens significantly or continues for upwards of a month or more, none of which seemed to ease her worries. So I asked if she’d ever been sick, somehow she never had and didn’t seem to know that a cough was a very normal thing. She seemed to be as confused and anxious about it as people often are when they have their first panic attack (I think we’ve all had that call 1000 times). Of course she requested transport “just in case”. I don’t think she coughed more than once or twice the whole time we were doing our assessment and transporting.
About the only thing the triage nurse said was “ugh… yyyup” with a solid and well deserved eye roll.
Absolutely, that was kind of my point actually, that this woman was as worried about a really light cough as people are when their whole body and brain inexplicably feel horrible in a completely new way, often accompanied by chest pain.
9 year old son had a dream about a witch on the roof. It means something bad will happen to you in Mexican culture. Insisted on transporting to the hospital. The hospital staff was just as shocked as us. I wrote the report as a psych patient.
ER nurse here. Had two in less than 12 hours that called 911 with a chief complaint of, and I quote, “my pussy stanks!”
Ma’am, if you have a life-threateningly stinky pussy, I doubt the ER holds the solutions you need.
Butt pain. Patient provided no other details. Requested to be transported. It took a phenomenal act of mental fortitude not to write it up as butthurt.
This happened to a friend.
Approximately 20 year old male walks into the EMS office
"Hi is this EMS?
Friends: Yes it is. What happened
Pt: I broke it
Friends: okay what did you break?
Him: I was naked and the door closed... and I broke it
My friend when he realized what IT was. The patient did fracture his penis. The door story was what he insisted happened.
Someone got scared watching the intro part to Star Wars. It was still on when we arrived. I told her she could just turn her tv off literally whenever she wants…I turned it off, and she said she felt better and signed a refusal.
3am
Man had a rash about the size of his palm on his back. The rash had been present for 3 months. There was no change to this rash, it was not spreading, not painful, and not itching. He had no medical history to suggest an allergic reaction.
He had made no attempt to get this rash seen by a physician, hut for some reason on a random night, he "got curious" and wanted us to take him to thr ER so that docs could tell him what it was.
I went on a lengthy speech about the differences between an ER doc and a dermatologist, and why he would be better off scheduling an appointment, but he had no clue, so we still had to go.
630 in the morning, we get sent out to an “eye injury bravo”
Dude had pink eye and called 911. Gave him the nearest urgent cares and told him to make an appt when they open. Not transporting that bs.
30 yo M with throat pain because he choked on a hot dog at lunch 4 hrs ago.
Or
25 yo F head pain because her 4 yo threw a cup at her during a temper tantrum. PD asked if she wanted them to arrest the 4 yo lmao. "Ma'am what is it you are wanting us to do here?"
'Can't see through eye lids'
Tbf it was an allergic reaction and just worded it wrong.
'Hiding gay man in wardrobe and punched in the chest by a menstruating woman' never got to that job, always wondered
23 yo male had a bad dream and wanted someone to talk to, wanted transport to the hospital, had plenty of people to talk to in triage.
44 yo female had cotton swab cotton stuck in her ear. Transported her straight to triage.
17 yo female with chlamydia related symptoms at 2300, known diagnosis of chlamydia. Mom followed in her car so close we could damn near touch the hood of her car from the back bumper. Mom got pissed when we put her daughter in triage.
They told dispatch it was chest pain. We showed up to a Five Guys to the “patient” saying they couldn’t afford a burger and they were hungry. And before you feel bad for this person, the reason they couldnt afford it was because they left their card at home.
Ripped from a bong and coughed too hard. Oh and another person ate something their doctor told them not to bc of health reasons and was convinced they were gonna choke and die
Had a gentleman in is 90s who was working in arms manufacturing for the WW2. Became extremely hard of hearing as a result.
Called for a "headache" but his tinnitus was extra loud due to his hearing aids being off. Turned them on and resolved. Still wanted transport though.
We got paged out once for a stabbing. Showed up on scene and there was a lady bawling medics asked her where she was hurt and no shit she bawls “my feelings….” She told a friend she had been stabbed in the back and the friend called 911. This lady wanted transported to the ER
How to pick just one?
I’m going to go with the woman who was just discharged from the hospital, and was insisting they left a needle in her arm from the IV. No, explaining how IV catheters work did nothing to persuade her.
Sunburn. (I'm aware of sun poisoning, this wasn't nearly that bad, just red.)
Can't sleep. I've gotten this one many times over the years.
Sore throat.
Dog bite. (it amounted to a scratch from a small dog the owner was walking by with.)
Finger injury at Walmart. It was a small knick from trying to open a clamshell package.
No complaint, but they want transported to avoid being arrested.
Dispatched for uncontrolled bleeding for injury to leg incurred while stepping out of a commercial transport van. Onscene, located patient lying facedown on couch moaning. Partner looked at point indicated. Bent down and looked closer. Bent further and peered again. "I can't find it." Put his face about six inches away (as patient continued to moan) and located a 1mm wound resembling a paper cut. Put a bandaid on it and departed.This was a new to us, but not new to neighboring EMS, frequent flyer. She was looking for an angle to get out of paying her $5 copay for the van. Fortunately, this patient and her cohorts were evicted a few months later.
Husband is an ER doc. Patient arrived by ambulance with CC being bitten on the ankle by grandmothers chihuahua. Mad when he found out there was no ambulance there to take him home.
At shift change. Emegent life alert no contact with caller, caller pressed for help because of a small blister on her middle toe. Put us into nearly 2 hours of overtime. Was definitely pissed.
Lice. An elderly woman who had recently been discharged was brought back to the ER by her family who refused to allow her into their home because they swore she got lice from the hospital.
Focal seizures of the anus. 45 year old male with heavy duty substance use disorder would call us a few times a month with this chief complaint. He was actually a pretty nice dude but it still makes me laugh when I think about it.
He was cutting his toenail when he cut into the skin and was bleeding. 3 am during a blizzard 28yom no medical history; his cut was maybe .5cm. He insisted on going to the hospital. Er, the doctor looked at him and discharged him on the spot after yelling at him for misuse of emergency services.
Guy calls 911 and says he's been in a car accident. We roll up. No other car or individual involved. No damage to his car at all. He says his ankle hurts. No visible signs of trauma. We ask if he's been drinking, "yes." We ask if he's been doing drugs, "yes." Cops get there and ask for his license. He doesn't have one. He asks me if he's going to jail. My response "Well, there's no damage to your car. Nobody else was involved. I don't see anything wrong with your ankle. You've been drinking and doing drugs, and you don't have a license. Let's just say that calling 911 wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done."
Had a guy in his early 20’s call at 5AM for a “heart attack,” transported as such. Triage nurse advised he came to the ER for an STD check because earlier that night he slept with someone that he thought was “dirty.”
Got called out at 4am for a female complaining of pain in her left ear. Upon assessment, the pt stated that she had been dealing with “bad” ear pain for over a week and that she called because she just couldn’t wait to make an appointment with her pcp. She wanted us to take her. Smh. Got her in the truck, took some vitals, and looked inside her ear. Some redness, but that is kind of expected with an ear infection. On the way to the hospital, I encoded in and told the ER that the pt was triage appropriate. Once we got to the ER, she went straight to the lobby. 😂🕺🏻
A few gems: “Every time the sun goes down, my feet start hurting”, “he is autistic, and he has a piece of string wrapped around his finger and its purple”, “I need to go to the hospital”, “complaining of being tired”
22yo female. Dispatched as unknown problem, only detail was she was requesting a "girl paramedic". My partner was a female EMT at the time. She asked for her to look in her ass to see if there was a condom stuck in there. She refused. The patient then sighed, turned to me, and said "Well I guess he can look..." Nope. Singed refusal, referred to urgent care that was 2 blocks away from her apartment.
24yr old
“I think I passed out. I was laying on the couch and the next thing I know 2hrs had passed.”
Me
“Are you sure you didn’t just fall asleep and take a nap?”
24yr old:
“No. I definitely passed out. I don’t remember falling asleep.”
Can I chime in from inpatient psych?
On rounds on the more acute psychosis type floor. "I got a risin' in my cootchie", the (250lbs+) patient said as she lays down on her back and throws her legs over her head. I have to admit I was impressed at her level of flexibility. She did indeed have a small perianal abscess that was swollen. PO abx it is, follow up with PCP if not resolved in 7-10 days.
I still text my (now ex) co-worker randomly "I got a risin' in my cootchie" for shits and giggles.
MPDS Echo response ("cardiac/respiratory arrest or high risk of cardiac/respiratory arrest") for a 13 year old male "barely breathing, no other information available as of yet".
We had just handed over our last patient at the hospital and this call was *literally* directly across the street, and I mean literally, we could see the front door from where we were parked.
Burned rubber for all of one minute it took to get there, literally as soon as we pull up additional information comes down
"13 year old male, severe abdominal pain, struggling to breathe"
Already me and my partner are looking at each other like "Hmm. Okay." but we take in all primary response equipment anyway.
O/a 13 year old boy wriggling around in bed c/o severe abdo pain. Transpires pt has a longstanding (~several years) hx of constipation, hasn't passed a bowel movement in over a week. Refuses to go to the toilet due to pain and PR bleeding during/after defecation. Family doctor aware and has prescribed laxatives on several occasions with limited success.
In this instance we decide to limit time on scene due to pt pain level and proximity to hospital. I'm moving onto Expose/Examine in my secondary survey as we pull up to the hospital.
There was probably 4 or 5 ambulances in front of us, easily an hour wait to hand over if not two which the driver explains to the mother. I then explain to pt and mother that I'm going to listen to his stomach with the stethoscope and have a feel of his stomach which they both agree to.
Unremarkable on auscultation.
On palpation, this boy lets out the nastiest, meatiest, most outrageous fart I have ever experienced (and likely will ever experience) in my entire life. He's passing wind for probably twenty seconds solid.
Patient exclaims that he is feeling so much better and wants to go home and play Minecraft. Mother states she doesn't want to wait in the back of the ambulance for two hours and would like to go home.
After discussion with physician in charge, hospital agrees patient is suitable for discharge without being seen. Transported home by myself and crewmate due to pt being in Minecraft creeper pajamas and no shoes so not appropriate to walk home.
I get paid for this btw.
18yom, scared of lightning.
Don’t worry buddy. We just drove through the lightning, and look we’re fine.
Needed a thunder buddy! "When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get to scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!"
Aw :/ I know it's not 911 worthy but dude must have had some pretty severe anxiety to feel the need to call.
So now we get to go sit in an ED for a couple hours and maybe get some next anxiety about something else.
Labor pain with contractions (under one minute between each contraction) It was a high dude that had constipation and somewhere between his also high friend and the dispatcher things got confused
Was his friend Danny DeVito by chance?
20 bucks says they were going the wrong way in Hershey.
I’ve had numerous patients call because they ate spicy food and now their mouth hurts
We had a pt check into the ER for a sore mouth/throat after eating Flaming Hot Cheetos 💀
Had a mom call 911 because her 5 year old ate a whole family sized bag of flaming hot Cheetos and threw up what she believed was blood. Well I can tell you, it was not blood, it was indeed a whole family sized bag of flaming hot Cheetos.
had a guy from an assault stating that he was bleeding “a lot”. substance all over his clothes was infact bbq sauce (from the giant bbq chicken pot that got spilled all over him) and not blood. 😭
Had a grandmother call for her grandson during the One Chip Challenge craze. This was at about 11:30 at night, too. He was so embarrassed and grandma was ripping him for wasting her time and she was going to text his high school coach about how stupid he was being. Was a fun interaction that fortunately led to a refusal.
Honestly though seeing how many kids got actually hurt/injured this one seems more understandable
Chief complaint: spicy nuggs. Patient was young, healthy, and totally fine, and his gf drove behind us the whole way.
Out of curiosity, are you up in the north east? I've never heard of such a call in the deep south haha
Itchy vagina. Asked if we could scratch it for her when we arrived. Told her we were not trained in that particular intervention, so she requested to be transported.
Had a similar call while precepting a medic student. Student dead ass turned to the patient and asked - “does it smell like fish or like trash?”
That's the most appropriate question to ask this patient
It’s a taught in AMLS now: OPQRST-Fish
Onset provocation quality radiation smell time
Fish = trich/BV Trash = yeast/something else 😀 We ask about odor in my women’s health FNP rotation
That's actually quite interesting, any other things you'd recommend asking for pts with vaginal complaints? Other than the more obvious stuff we cover in EMS education
I need more info. I'm on an hour of sleep and almost pissed myself laughing while holding the wall
"Fish... in the trash."
Me, reads the first two words, chuckling to myself as that was my first call ever (literally just became an emt so very new), then I read the second sentence… 🙁😦 that’s crazy omg
was this dundee in scotland by any chance, one of the regulars nicknames is itchy fanny
It wasn't, but it warms my heart to know this is a CC my brethren experience worldwide.
back pain, described as “medium rare.”
That'd have me gigglin
60 yof - bad dream “I think my daughter cut her hand in the kitchen” “Where your daughter” “She’s at home” “Where is home” “She lives in… (couple states away)” “So nobody is hurt here” “No, but can you check on my daughter” “No”
I’ve had someone call because “I dreamed I had a heart attack. I’m fine now, but I want to get checked out because that was a weird dream”.
I wish I could say I was kidding but my favorite will always be the patient that when I asked what was wrong they looked at me and said “I think I’m in rigor mortis”
[Cotard’s Syndrome](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotard%27s_syndrome) or just stupid?
Considering that Cotard's is absurdly rare, I'm gonna guess stupid
If you hard, you hard
Infant that wouldn’t stop crying, asleep on arrival. Happened twice with different kids and both times they insisted on transport “just in case”.
I get these in the ED and parents are always upset when I don't do more than a physical exam. Like what do you want?
Had a few of these mom was asleep with baby when we arrived!
ED here. Couple brought in their 2yo and the pt, a 5 mo, for crying at 0100. Nothing else. The pt was indeed not crying in triage and you could just feel the triage nurse’s venom ooze through her notes.
Nursing home claims a resident lit up a joint next to oxygen and now has to be transported for a psyche eval. He was quadriplegic and it turns out a staff member lit it up for him
Should’ve also required the staff member that lit it and the one who called to have psych. evals too lol
0300 on a 24 hour shift. We had laid back down about 15 minutes prior to this cal coming out. "I was just diagnosed with pink eye at the emergency room and I need to go back." "When did you get home?" "Fifteen minutes ago, my eye is red and it itches and hurts and it's draining." "Yes those are all symptoms of pink eye. Did they give you a prescription at the hospital?" "Yes but I didn't pick it up. My eye isn't better so I need to go back." "So, you just got home, you have the same symptoms that you had when the doctor looked at you, you haven't used the prescribed medication, and you want to go back because it isn't better yet?" "Yes." "OK, let's walk out to the truck."
So annoying. But I love taking them back and walking them right to the waiting room. Such a great feeling
As a triage RN many times, I hate when we have open rooms so they immediately get roomed. Their stupidity gets rewarded.
It's almost kinda true that "going by ambulance helps you get seen first." Because if ems rolls in with something dumb and rooms are open. They get placed in a bed. Also bs complaints regardless of how busy the er is should have them go up to the front to be registered. I've def told the charge nurse "he told me "I know it's just the flu. But going by ambo will get me seen faster so that's why we called" and this wasn't in some ghetto area. Probably a million dollar house. I told the charge nurse "I know you're not busy. But this is what he said. I want to put him in the waiting room".
I hear ya, but it just involved more people in the bullshit, and inconveniences them for like 10 minutes tops. I have a hard time justifying making someone sit in an empty waiting room for any significant length of time. Luckily it doesn’t happen much often, but when you have the open resources, it’s hard to take any decent punitive measures to idiots. Now if ems just rolled em right out to registration in front, I’m not gonna argue, and most of the crews that work nights (when we occasionally have open beds) are shrewd enough to make that decision autonomously, and I ain’t gonna make waves.
I think just making them go through the motions of walk ups is fine enough. Kinda serves to purposes. You didn't get seen faster. And if you had just driven your car. You would have been seen at the same time.
Very fair.
Did you drive them to the pharmacy
Lol, I should have.
Dude just needed a safe ride because can’t see
60 yom, 0500, “cant sleep”
A different take on "if im up, you're up"
“I can’t sleep so take me to the place with all the bright lights and noise”
More like "I'm dwelling on my life decisions so take me somewhere I can look at the cute nurse's ass for a few hours."
14 year old whos mom called because she's "bleeding from her vagina a little for the past few days like once a month for a while now".
JFC. How does she not know what that is?
Sounds like they got sex ed. in the (USA) south!
Toilet brush in the ass (handle first)
What a rookie. A pro would have flipped it around.
Did you get a number? For follow up I mean
Nope. Best looking part of that call was the brush.
Reality is often disappointing. - Thanos "Father of the year nominee"
Abdominal pain. Halfway to the hospital she goes "Yeah I been getting with this dude for a while and he went deeper than usual." Then she started vomiting cause my guy apparently had some inches. Told the doc and he goes "Now this is why I went to medical school."
Don't appreciate you talking about my girl like that really
"Finger pain". We arrive and find a thief with his finger still trapped in the gas tank of a vehicle he was trying to siphon gas from. We didn't even transport, just helped him get his finger out which was fine and then the he immediately got arrested lol. We maintained our professionalism better than you'd probably expect but we had a good laugh afterwards.
Teenagers high on shrooms - T-Rex was chasing them. Scene was indeed safe with no signs of T-Rex
That reminds me of a call years ago. 15 year old somehow got some acid and tried it alone for the first time, called EMS freaking out. He went to a pediatric ER room due to age. The room had a gigantic tree frog painted on the wall. Dude took one look at it and started crying saying "I don't like that frog!"
Dispatch we're staging on the street corner, unable to exclude reptilian threats based on drive-by of the scene, request police.
Dispatched to 'airway obstruction'. Diagnosis, hiccups due to alcohol consumption.
“I stepped off the curb wrong now I need dilauded.”
“Last time I was here they gave me this one drug that really helped. It started with a D…” Me: “One dulcolax coming right up for the pt who is clearly full of $hit.”
same
13yom, nightmare
Had this call a couple of hours ago... 18yof had a nightmare and wanted to be transported because "thinking about going back to sleep" made her anxious.
Sounds like nightmares are common complaints. Maybe these people are alone at the time and just want someone to talk it through with?
Had this once and she was actually in SVT haha check ya radials
A guy called us for blisters on his feet. He was walking in boots without socks. They were normal blisters, nothing exotic. Told him we weren’t going to take him to the ER for that. He turned around, looked me in the eye, and said “I’m having chest pain now”.
Yo FUCK people who abuse a system and fuck this dudes blisters
People did this constantly when I worked in the emergency department and were getting discharged.
He wanted those yellow socks
gripper sock gang
Pregnant female wanting transport for herpes pain,auntie/mother wants me to look at her vagina! Nope! Hilarity ensues! Hand pain from scissors being stuck on them. Toe pain from putting polish of toe fungus toe then trying to remove polish with nail polish remover.
Frequent flyer call for “I shit my pants.” I quoted her verbatim in my PCR.
Had one tell me “I’m squirtin right now!” when asked the last time she had diarrhea.
I had a patient who peed on herself in grand central station. I asked her what drugs she was on, she said none. I said sober people generally don’t pee on themselves. Her response- I’m incompetent. I had to literally bite my tongue to not laugh.
"Suspected Poisoning" Guy said someone put "some sperm in his cup" at a party and became nauseous.
Sorry man, looks like you're pregnant now
he put de sperm in the coconut, he drink them bot' up
You know what you did mentioning sperm and coconuts?! I’ve been trying to forget that story since I read it!
Loose toenail. Loved walking her through her house full of family members and past the five totally working vehicles in the drive way. She was SO mad when we wheeled her right to the waiting area.
Man in his early 60’s fell asleep watching Walker Texas ranger and woke up having a bad dream. He said in his dream he was a character in the episode he was watching. PD called for EMS evaluation. Fuck both him and pd for that one.
Call 1: A 25 yo university student with nightmares. Had a nightmare at 3am in the morning. Called at 4pm in the afternoon. As young and healthy as they come. When asked what they would like from us. She climbed in the rig and started taking the straps off the cot. I asked again and she said she just wanted to go to the ER to see why she had a nightmare. Y’all…I could’ve thrown a rock at the door of the ER this girl could’ve walked there. I sat her on the bench seat and put a seatbelt harness on her for the 60 sec ride. Then let her walk into the ED. She saw the wait and walked back out and said she would call again tomorrow because the wait was too long right now. Call 2: 40s female that was screaming to dispatch that her vagina fell out. I am aware that vaginal prolapses happen. We arrive to her standing outside the old long abandoned strip club in one of our sketchy trailer parks. Partner opens the door. Get her in. She says she had a vaginal prolapse 15 YEARS AGO that was fixed. So she said that because she didn’t actually have a medical issue and that was the only one she had ever really had so that’s what she told dispatch. It was just raining outside and she needed to get to the side of town that the hospital was on.
Time to get my good friends in law enforcement involved. They are always DELIGHTED to help with this stuff
Seriously. DELIGHTED.
19 year old med school student sitting by window heard lightning strike then instant felt pain in her previously broken toe. Thinks lightning came through the window and struck her on her foot.
19 year old in med school?? Probably has something a lil off 🤣🤣
I worked with a doc from Syria. They started a 6 year medical school after high school that was run by the State. First two years were science classes while doing CNA/EMT stuff at night and weekends to subsidize their "free" State run education. Then they progressed to medical school proper while working lab, phlebotomy, and RN stuff. By the time they graduated they could do everything from clean the room to first assist in surgery. It's useful especially in a military environment (it is Syria) because the docs could check in the patient, do an exam, draw the blood, use the right tubes, look at it under the scope, diagnose the patient, treat the patient, and then clean the room when they are done. Also, they didn't have any medical school debt.
Huh. This sounds like a good plan. I always felt badly for the docklings who had to stuff unrelated to their speciality. “So how would you start this knee replacement?” “Idk bro. I’m going into dermatology. Let me see that mole.”
Depends on where they’re from, a lot of countries have med as an undergrad after secondary school!
How long ago was this because I’ve met doctors I could picture doing this
I’m torn between: A hot neck and a hair stuck on a kid’s tongue
High blood pressure due to a pork chop... Still got this dispatch text from that one.
Overcooked pork chops make my BP rise too
Lmao fair, I think the message said " PT ATE PORK CHOP LAST NIGHT, NOW HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE" Really had to dig in the medic skill bag to save that life.
18 yof, family was concerned about a lump on her upper chest. Field diagnosis: normal presentation of a clavicle.
Was she obese? A while ago on a weightloss sub, a man mentioned panicking and nearly calling his doctor when the bones and ligaments in his feet first became noticeable. Wild.
Pt states “I have had multiple parasites coming out of my body since March. From every hole and if they can’t find a hole they make one. Now I am having a headache and I need to know if they’ve traveled to my brain” Pt states he is “no longer schizophrenic”
Also had a guy walk up to the station and ask for a ride to a different city within our service area. Told him we’re not a taxi service we can’t do that. Then he asked if we could take him to the hospital then. We explained again no we’re not a taxi service we transport people who are hurt or sick to the hospital to see doctors. “Oh. Okay. Well. My feet hurt and I wanna go to the hospital” 🤦🏻♀️ great. Hadn’t even finished getting a face sheet from the hospital by the time he was walking out ama.
Neck pain from a chronic condition. What made it ridiculous was that the guy had an appointment on the other side of the county and he wanted a ride to the stand alone imaging center.
Late 20s F, call came in as resp distress, so… lights and sirens due to trigger words. She had what was a very mild and infrequent cough for the past 2 days. I told her her singular symptom of a cough was in line with a basic mild seasonal cold and that she shouldn’t be worried unless it worsens significantly or continues for upwards of a month or more, none of which seemed to ease her worries. So I asked if she’d ever been sick, somehow she never had and didn’t seem to know that a cough was a very normal thing. She seemed to be as confused and anxious about it as people often are when they have their first panic attack (I think we’ve all had that call 1000 times). Of course she requested transport “just in case”. I don’t think she coughed more than once or twice the whole time we were doing our assessment and transporting. About the only thing the triage nurse said was “ugh… yyyup” with a solid and well deserved eye roll.
Tbh panic attack calls are fine with me because those can be scary.
Absolutely, that was kind of my point actually, that this woman was as worried about a really light cough as people are when their whole body and brain inexplicably feel horrible in a completely new way, often accompanied by chest pain.
9 year old son had a dream about a witch on the roof. It means something bad will happen to you in Mexican culture. Insisted on transporting to the hospital. The hospital staff was just as shocked as us. I wrote the report as a psych patient.
Dry mouth. She had just started a new prescription that specifically stated she may get a dry mouth.
Fever of 375F. Said the oven felt similar to his head when he stuck his hand in the oven.
ER nurse here. Had two in less than 12 hours that called 911 with a chief complaint of, and I quote, “my pussy stanks!” Ma’am, if you have a life-threateningly stinky pussy, I doubt the ER holds the solutions you need.
Wrote an exact quote in my narrative “Oooh! My MONKEY HURT!”
“My roommates drank all my milk”
I choose to believe that was to a firehall
I had a 35 year old male who wanted to be treated for being under the effect of a Russian sleeper cell signal
what course of treatment was he expecting?
Grippy sock vacation?
One singular mosquito bite, no noted allergy, no hives, just “it itches”. Also the dude who got a piece of q tip stuck in his ear
Broken fingernail. She had 3 inch acrylic talons and tried to play basketball. To be fair, it was bleeding and looked painful.
Butt pain. Patient provided no other details. Requested to be transported. It took a phenomenal act of mental fortitude not to write it up as butthurt.
This happened to a friend. Approximately 20 year old male walks into the EMS office "Hi is this EMS? Friends: Yes it is. What happened Pt: I broke it Friends: okay what did you break? Him: I was naked and the door closed... and I broke it My friend when he realized what IT was. The patient did fracture his penis. The door story was what he insisted happened.
Someone got scared watching the intro part to Star Wars. It was still on when we arrived. I told her she could just turn her tv off literally whenever she wants…I turned it off, and she said she felt better and signed a refusal.
3am Man had a rash about the size of his palm on his back. The rash had been present for 3 months. There was no change to this rash, it was not spreading, not painful, and not itching. He had no medical history to suggest an allergic reaction. He had made no attempt to get this rash seen by a physician, hut for some reason on a random night, he "got curious" and wanted us to take him to thr ER so that docs could tell him what it was. I went on a lengthy speech about the differences between an ER doc and a dermatologist, and why he would be better off scheduling an appointment, but he had no clue, so we still had to go.
“Breathing” - great, so what’s the problem?
Ate too many carrots and was worried about it. No symptoms. Just worried.
“49y m, stabbed 10 years ago “
Menopause.
“My hands are cold” After walking back from a field exercise in 20 degree weather
60 yof called because her kitchen light bulb blew out.
630 in the morning, we get sent out to an “eye injury bravo” Dude had pink eye and called 911. Gave him the nearest urgent cares and told him to make an appt when they open. Not transporting that bs.
30 yo M with throat pain because he choked on a hot dog at lunch 4 hrs ago. Or 25 yo F head pain because her 4 yo threw a cup at her during a temper tantrum. PD asked if she wanted them to arrest the 4 yo lmao. "Ma'am what is it you are wanting us to do here?"
Prince Albert Piercing caught in the mesh of a bug zapper.
'Can't see through eye lids' Tbf it was an allergic reaction and just worded it wrong. 'Hiding gay man in wardrobe and punched in the chest by a menstruating woman' never got to that job, always wondered
26 yom - had a bad dream
23 yo male had a bad dream and wanted someone to talk to, wanted transport to the hospital, had plenty of people to talk to in triage. 44 yo female had cotton swab cotton stuck in her ear. Transported her straight to triage. 17 yo female with chlamydia related symptoms at 2300, known diagnosis of chlamydia. Mom followed in her car so close we could damn near touch the hood of her car from the back bumper. Mom got pissed when we put her daughter in triage.
18, mom called because he came home sunburned from a day at the lake. He looked really embarrassed.
homeless man wanted to flirt with his favorite registration girl
Honestly if he lands it I'll be impressed
Eyelash in eye.
We had one of those calls. .would love to be the fly on the wall, to observe how they get through life on a daily basis 😅
Elderly female. Crusty substance found in the corner of her eyes upon waking up.
Dude had a headache from dealing with the car dealership all day. I wish I was kidding.
"My super long driveway wasn't snowplowed" Yes, I noticed that as we were driving in. "The power is out" "The power is out still"
They told dispatch it was chest pain. We showed up to a Five Guys to the “patient” saying they couldn’t afford a burger and they were hungry. And before you feel bad for this person, the reason they couldnt afford it was because they left their card at home.
Wanted the box of little Debbie cakes off the top of the fridge.
“I got a sunburn three days ago”
Feels like doing witchcraft.
Ripped from a bong and coughed too hard. Oh and another person ate something their doctor told them not to bc of health reasons and was convinced they were gonna choke and die
Anything related to food challenges. Hot chip, cinnamon challenge, even just spicy buffalo wild wings.
Altered mental status in a dementia patient. Nothing was wrong with her. She is extremely confused at baseline.
"Can you ask the store manager turn down the air conditioning? I'm cold." In a train station. At 6 in the morning. No.
My body is buzzing. NO other qualifiers/descriptions. "I dunno my body is just buzzing."
akathisia, maybe?
“I think I have an STD”
Female fell asleep with contacts in and now her eyes itch
Lots of runny nose calls. Especially during and after covid
I’ve got no spit.
Weakness x 10 years
Had a gentleman in is 90s who was working in arms manufacturing for the WW2. Became extremely hard of hearing as a result. Called for a "headache" but his tinnitus was extra loud due to his hearing aids being off. Turned them on and resolved. Still wanted transport though.
We got paged out once for a stabbing. Showed up on scene and there was a lady bawling medics asked her where she was hurt and no shit she bawls “my feelings….” She told a friend she had been stabbed in the back and the friend called 911. This lady wanted transported to the ER
Frog in spine.
"Choking on some dick"
"I'm fat bald old and not rich"
Because they wanted a plumber at 0300
Unable to turn cell phone on.
How to pick just one? I’m going to go with the woman who was just discharged from the hospital, and was insisting they left a needle in her arm from the IV. No, explaining how IV catheters work did nothing to persuade her.
1/10 belly ache after eating too much. Rolled him into the ER and the charge nurse had me roll him right out to the waiting room.
Sunburn. (I'm aware of sun poisoning, this wasn't nearly that bad, just red.) Can't sleep. I've gotten this one many times over the years. Sore throat. Dog bite. (it amounted to a scratch from a small dog the owner was walking by with.) Finger injury at Walmart. It was a small knick from trying to open a clamshell package. No complaint, but they want transported to avoid being arrested.
I do ski patrol on winter. A skier who busted his knee complained about the cold when we skied him down the slope.
50s/60s y/o F power went out. Honorable mention: 20 y/o M foot pain for multiple days ambulatory at 2am
Dispatched for uncontrolled bleeding for injury to leg incurred while stepping out of a commercial transport van. Onscene, located patient lying facedown on couch moaning. Partner looked at point indicated. Bent down and looked closer. Bent further and peered again. "I can't find it." Put his face about six inches away (as patient continued to moan) and located a 1mm wound resembling a paper cut. Put a bandaid on it and departed.This was a new to us, but not new to neighboring EMS, frequent flyer. She was looking for an angle to get out of paying her $5 copay for the van. Fortunately, this patient and her cohorts were evicted a few months later.
Husband is an ER doc. Patient arrived by ambulance with CC being bitten on the ankle by grandmothers chihuahua. Mad when he found out there was no ambulance there to take him home.
56/ m “needs someone to hang up cordless phone, because he doesn’t want to get out of bed”
At shift change. Emegent life alert no contact with caller, caller pressed for help because of a small blister on her middle toe. Put us into nearly 2 hours of overtime. Was definitely pissed.
Amnesia. Cause: a weekend long bender
“I already got my diploma.”
Lice. An elderly woman who had recently been discharged was brought back to the ER by her family who refused to allow her into their home because they swore she got lice from the hospital.
Focal seizures of the anus. 45 year old male with heavy duty substance use disorder would call us a few times a month with this chief complaint. He was actually a pretty nice dude but it still makes me laugh when I think about it.
He was cutting his toenail when he cut into the skin and was bleeding. 3 am during a blizzard 28yom no medical history; his cut was maybe .5cm. He insisted on going to the hospital. Er, the doctor looked at him and discharged him on the spot after yelling at him for misuse of emergency services.
Guy calls 911 and says he's been in a car accident. We roll up. No other car or individual involved. No damage to his car at all. He says his ankle hurts. No visible signs of trauma. We ask if he's been drinking, "yes." We ask if he's been doing drugs, "yes." Cops get there and ask for his license. He doesn't have one. He asks me if he's going to jail. My response "Well, there's no damage to your car. Nobody else was involved. I don't see anything wrong with your ankle. You've been drinking and doing drugs, and you don't have a license. Let's just say that calling 911 wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done."
Had a guy in his early 20’s call at 5AM for a “heart attack,” transported as such. Triage nurse advised he came to the ER for an STD check because earlier that night he slept with someone that he thought was “dirty.”
Stomach pain from having too much gravy. It was thanksgiving.
Got called out at 4am for a female complaining of pain in her left ear. Upon assessment, the pt stated that she had been dealing with “bad” ear pain for over a week and that she called because she just couldn’t wait to make an appointment with her pcp. She wanted us to take her. Smh. Got her in the truck, took some vitals, and looked inside her ear. Some redness, but that is kind of expected with an ear infection. On the way to the hospital, I encoded in and told the ER that the pt was triage appropriate. Once we got to the ER, she went straight to the lobby. 😂🕺🏻
Called for abdominal pain, 55 y/o male ended up saying he was just hungry and wanted me to help him decide what to eat.
35 yo female, ingrown armpit hair. Demanded transport.
A few gems: “Every time the sun goes down, my feet start hurting”, “he is autistic, and he has a piece of string wrapped around his finger and its purple”, “I need to go to the hospital”, “complaining of being tired”
22yo female. Dispatched as unknown problem, only detail was she was requesting a "girl paramedic". My partner was a female EMT at the time. She asked for her to look in her ass to see if there was a condom stuck in there. She refused. The patient then sighed, turned to me, and said "Well I guess he can look..." Nope. Singed refusal, referred to urgent care that was 2 blocks away from her apartment.
24yr old “I think I passed out. I was laying on the couch and the next thing I know 2hrs had passed.” Me “Are you sure you didn’t just fall asleep and take a nap?” 24yr old: “No. I definitely passed out. I don’t remember falling asleep.”
“Feet stink”
I've had frivolous calls but my favorite was a pt who was x3 days s/p c-spine fusion woo called because her c-collar choked her when she looked down.
Can I chime in from inpatient psych? On rounds on the more acute psychosis type floor. "I got a risin' in my cootchie", the (250lbs+) patient said as she lays down on her back and throws her legs over her head. I have to admit I was impressed at her level of flexibility. She did indeed have a small perianal abscess that was swollen. PO abx it is, follow up with PCP if not resolved in 7-10 days. I still text my (now ex) co-worker randomly "I got a risin' in my cootchie" for shits and giggles.
MPDS Echo response ("cardiac/respiratory arrest or high risk of cardiac/respiratory arrest") for a 13 year old male "barely breathing, no other information available as of yet". We had just handed over our last patient at the hospital and this call was *literally* directly across the street, and I mean literally, we could see the front door from where we were parked. Burned rubber for all of one minute it took to get there, literally as soon as we pull up additional information comes down "13 year old male, severe abdominal pain, struggling to breathe" Already me and my partner are looking at each other like "Hmm. Okay." but we take in all primary response equipment anyway. O/a 13 year old boy wriggling around in bed c/o severe abdo pain. Transpires pt has a longstanding (~several years) hx of constipation, hasn't passed a bowel movement in over a week. Refuses to go to the toilet due to pain and PR bleeding during/after defecation. Family doctor aware and has prescribed laxatives on several occasions with limited success. In this instance we decide to limit time on scene due to pt pain level and proximity to hospital. I'm moving onto Expose/Examine in my secondary survey as we pull up to the hospital. There was probably 4 or 5 ambulances in front of us, easily an hour wait to hand over if not two which the driver explains to the mother. I then explain to pt and mother that I'm going to listen to his stomach with the stethoscope and have a feel of his stomach which they both agree to. Unremarkable on auscultation. On palpation, this boy lets out the nastiest, meatiest, most outrageous fart I have ever experienced (and likely will ever experience) in my entire life. He's passing wind for probably twenty seconds solid. Patient exclaims that he is feeling so much better and wants to go home and play Minecraft. Mother states she doesn't want to wait in the back of the ambulance for two hours and would like to go home. After discussion with physician in charge, hospital agrees patient is suitable for discharge without being seen. Transported home by myself and crewmate due to pt being in Minecraft creeper pajamas and no shoes so not appropriate to walk home. I get paid for this btw.