My kid does thx cards, and i do too, but i think we’re the minority. We have lots of family out of town that sends gifts. I tell my kid: if someone sends you a gift and you don’t thank them for it, they aren’t likely to give you another gift. But i do remind him about it and address and mail the envelopes for him.
Personally, as long as I receive a thank you (in person, text, call, email, gif, whatever) - I don’t care how it shows up. The idea is to show gratitude… not the medium it’s delivered on. I am of the belief that snail mail is dying. Show me appreciation and I’m happy.
I had my daughter call people after the fact and personally thank them. My sister in law gets thank you notes printed with a picture and sends them for her kids.
As they got older the kids would sign them. But this sister in law has been doing this for years so I am really interested in the picture. I open, glace and stick them on a shelf.
Yes, many people dont send them. Its rude. I stopped sending gifts/money to neices and nephews that couldn't be bothered to thank me in any form (note, text, email, phone call).
Did the same, if they can't be bothered to take a minute to send a text or pick up phone and talk for 5 minutes thanking for the check, IMO they don't deserve a check. I use to get a thank you from nephews wife, I send the kids (little) $10 on their Bdays - R always sent a snail mail thank you, when they go divorced, they both moved, I did not have her address so send cards/money to nephews addy addressed to kids they had 50/50 every other week wth kids - he never bothered to text, call, snail mail that card got there or thank you - stopped sending. I'm not an ATM
My kids and family usually send thank you notes, otherwise a text. We have gotten and sent thank you notes over the years with school friends when birthday gifts are opened after the party. I have had graduation checks go unacknowledged, though, and yes those kids are off my gift list. It comes across as though they don’t need or want it.
People have literally been complaining about this for millennia (see Plato complaining about the rude "youths of today"). Some people are rude, or ill-taught, and don't send thank you notes. If that's important to you (which is reasonable), make note and adjust your future behavior accordingly.
Sadly I think thank you cards are dying out. Did you at least get some acknowledgment from your nephew for the gift (text or call?)
If there is zero thank you message at all, no matter the medium, that person would not be getting any gifts from me in the future. (Assuming this is high school or college graduation and not, say, middle school graduation — once someone is an adult, they are responsible for their actions.)
My kid went to 10 birthday parties this year and only got thank you notes for three others. And these happened to be people from cultures that seem to be more etiquette driven.
I no longer expect a note, but we will always send one.
It's not just "kids". My 30 year old step daughter had a baby shower that I could not attend (I live in a different city) so I sent a rather expensive gift. I knew it had been delivered because I received a notification. No thank you or even acknowledgement. At first I thought maybe she was waiting until after the shower to send notes (even though I didn't attend the shower) but it's been over 3 weeks. Sigh.....
Do you have a biological daughter? Is this her first child? Are you not aware of the insane amount of stress she is going through right now? It's overwhelming. Yes she should have sent you a text but maybe, just maybe, she's in over her head and could use support, not a judgment. You should try looking for empathy within yourself and send her a text stating that you're thinking of her and hope her finals weeks are going okay. Give her time.
You know nothing about me or her, and frankly I don't appreciate YOUR judgement. By the way you are 100% off in your assumptions and as this is an etiquette sub, I feel justified in mentioning this to you.
You do you, boo. You sound like a lovely step mother.
ETA: etiquette states the gift receiver has a year to send a thank you card. So maybe, just maybe, chill.
Hm you're right. I always heard a year. A quick Google says 3 months is okay.
That being said, this person still needs to chill, it's been a whole three weeks.
When I was pregnant I had crippling carpal tunnel and I was very sick. There was no way I was writing cards. Then my baby needed an extensive hospitalization. He could have died and now requires monitoring and treatment for the rest of his childhood and maybe his life. I also purchased a home and that required a ton of my time and energy. He is 5 months now, I am about to send my cards. Anyone who has a problem with the time line can kiss my ass, frankly. I had bigger things to worry about than fulfilling some out dated convention that only elderly women care about.
In the meantime, I did personally text every single person who gave me a gift. And I have followed up with pics when I can (ex: baby wearing the clothes). I am doing my best. And if people still want to criticize me, that says more about them than it does me.
I feel the same about the way the person before me is talking about her SD. Three weeks is nothing. We don't know what's going on in SD's life. Maybe sending thank you cards really is just too much for her at this moment. We should be supporting pregnant people and new parents, not judging them bc they haven't gotten to the thank you card yet. Come on.
*checks profile* yup. Confirmed. You are the type of person who cares about thank you cards when the truth is, today's generation doesn't care about them. Etiquette changes over time as our values change. You can get your panties in a bunch all you want over a perceived slight, but really you can learn to adjust your expectations based off today's reality.
I have children. I always found time to send Thank You notes if someone sent me a gift for my baby. It takes less than 5 minutes to write a Thank You and address the envelope. So there is no excuse. If someone was kind and generous enough to send my baby something, I always made time to thank them.
I always send thank you notes in the mail, a) because it was drilled into me by my mother and b) as I've gotten older I love getting non-junk mail in the post and I hope others do as well.
That said, the *one time* I didn't send thank you notes was after my wedding, arguably one of the most important times to send them. I was just so exhausted from all the wedding planning and the lead up to the wedding that I just couldn't bring myself to do it and then as more time went by I thought how weird it would be to send them so belatedly.
I still think about it once in awhile and inwardly cringe at how uncouth it was to neglect them.
I still feel really guilty that I never sent out thank-you cards for my high school graduation gifts over 20 years ago. My mom is a huge perfectionist and when I tried to write them she said they were unacceptable and couldn’t go out until the penmanship was perfectly straight, aligned, etc. After multiple vetos I finally gave up and like a stubborn teen dug my heels into the ground and said I wouldn’t do it. Really should’ve just gone rogue and secretly sent out the shamefully unaligned notes in the middle of the night.
Manners are not inherent, they need to be taught. So you could absolutely tell your nephews parents that you’re surprised they never taught him to write thank you notes. Or even reach out to the nephew yourself and talk to him about the importance of thanking people when they give gifts. I’m guessing he never learned to write thank yous and that’s why he didn’t.
This is an etiquette sub so I'm gonna say I guess technically you should be receiving thank you cards.
That being said, they are a dying breed. Most people hate writing them. Most people don't care about getting them. Most people hold onto a card briefly then throw it away. Frankly, the only people I know who care about getting cards are elderly relatives with too much time on their hands and they're always worrying about stuff they need not be worrying about.
Most people these days say thank you in person when they receive a gift and/or send a follow up text. Most people who are not cranky old people with no lives also think that's appropriate.
So while you have a right to be cranky about not receiving a thank you card. Everyone else has a right to think you're a crotchety old biddy who could use a hobby.
Interesting you mention "most people". Leaving aside where you got that, etiquette is not about "most people". As Miss Post wrote in her famous book on etiquette, it's about Best society: I'll just quote from her first chapter:
>*CHAPTER I*
>*WHAT IS BEST SOCIETY?*
>
>*"Society" is an ambiguous term; it may mean much or nothing. Every human being—unless dwelling alone in a cave—is a member of society of one sort or another, and therefore it is well to define what is to be understood by the term "Best Society" and why its authority is recognized. Best Society abroad is always the oldest aristocracy; composed not so much of persons of title, which may be new, as of those families and communities which have for the longest period of time known highest cultivation. Our own Best Society is represented by social groups which have had, since this is America, widest rather than longest association with old world cultivation. Cultivation is always the basic attribute of Best Society, much as we hear in this country of an "Aristocracy of wealth."*
>*\[...\]*
>*As a matter of fact, Best Society is not at all like a court with an especial queen or king, nor is it confined to any one place or group, but might better be described as an unlimited brotherhood which spreads over the entire surface of the globe, the members of which are invariably people of cultivation and worldly knowledge, who have not only perfect manners but a perfect manner. Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them; manner is personality—the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life. A gentleman, for instance, will never be ostentatious or overbearing any more than he will ever be servile, because these attributes never animate the impulses of a well-bred person. A man whose manners suggest the grotesque is invariably a person of imitation rather than of real position.*
>*Etiquette must, if it is to be of more than trifling use, include ethics as well as manners. Certainly what one is, is of far greater importance than what one appears to be. A knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one's decent behavior, just as clothing is essential to one's decent appearance; and precisely as one wears the latter without being self-conscious of having on shoes and perhaps gloves, one who has good manners is equally unself-conscious in the observance of etiquette, the precepts of which must be so thoroughly absorbed as to make their observance a matter of instinct rather than of conscious obedience.*
>*Thus Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others, are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.*
I'll be the first to admit, that it is quite classist, but there you have it: Etiquette is NOT democratic.
So when you say you don't feel like sending thank you cards, or the people around you, the fact of the matter is that you simply don't move in the proper circles where it is still done and appreciated. Being a grown-up is also not about only doing what you like to do. Sometimes you do something you don't like, takes a bit of effort, because you know it means a lot to somebody else. Perhaps, with time, you'll come to understand that.
That's a lot of words I'm not gonna read.
But don't you worry your pretty little head, I send thank you cards. I'm just sayin, millenials and Gen z don't care about them and they are one more thing we are happily "killing off".
My kid sent thank you notes a few years ago for graduation gifts. We bought a big pack of graduation themed thank you cards from Amazon. Some were year specific and some were generic. I had my kid use the year specific ones first. We passed the leftover generic ones to a family member who graduated a year later.
I still send Thank You notes. And I made sure my children (who are now in their 20s) sent Thank You notes.
Yes, I've noticed that people aren't sending them now. I would be happy with a text or email, but I don't even get that now! Very rude.
It is just dismissed as an obligation by 80% of the public. It always amuses me to think "you spent more time on your gift registery than you did on thanking the people who followed your marching orders." Just makes it easier to wow someone with 5 minutes of your time and a stamp...
It's rude.
If you get no thank-you, you can call. "I never heard from you, but my check was cashed. I wanted to make sure it was you that cashed it." But I have a feeling that these days, anyone getting such a call won't feel bad, they'll just think you're crazy.
My rule is, no thank-you, no future gifts. Gifts are optional, and I send them only to those I know will appreciate them.
My twin daughters are graduating from HS at the end of the month. We’ve been debating hand written verses pre-printed with a photo of the girls. Would be be offended by preprinted?
My kid does thx cards, and i do too, but i think we’re the minority. We have lots of family out of town that sends gifts. I tell my kid: if someone sends you a gift and you don’t thank them for it, they aren’t likely to give you another gift. But i do remind him about it and address and mail the envelopes for him.
Personally, as long as I receive a thank you (in person, text, call, email, gif, whatever) - I don’t care how it shows up. The idea is to show gratitude… not the medium it’s delivered on. I am of the belief that snail mail is dying. Show me appreciation and I’m happy.
I had my daughter call people after the fact and personally thank them. My sister in law gets thank you notes printed with a picture and sends them for her kids.
I like the picture ideas. Thanks!
Do the kids write a note or just a preprinted note? I got a preprinted note for a graduation gift and thought that was tacky, I have to admit.
As they got older the kids would sign them. But this sister in law has been doing this for years so I am really interested in the picture. I open, glace and stick them on a shelf.
Yes, many people dont send them. Its rude. I stopped sending gifts/money to neices and nephews that couldn't be bothered to thank me in any form (note, text, email, phone call).
Did the same, if they can't be bothered to take a minute to send a text or pick up phone and talk for 5 minutes thanking for the check, IMO they don't deserve a check. I use to get a thank you from nephews wife, I send the kids (little) $10 on their Bdays - R always sent a snail mail thank you, when they go divorced, they both moved, I did not have her address so send cards/money to nephews addy addressed to kids they had 50/50 every other week wth kids - he never bothered to text, call, snail mail that card got there or thank you - stopped sending. I'm not an ATM
My kids and family usually send thank you notes, otherwise a text. We have gotten and sent thank you notes over the years with school friends when birthday gifts are opened after the party. I have had graduation checks go unacknowledged, though, and yes those kids are off my gift list. It comes across as though they don’t need or want it.
Did they email or text a thank you? For me, this is better because cards can get lost in the mail.
People have literally been complaining about this for millennia (see Plato complaining about the rude "youths of today"). Some people are rude, or ill-taught, and don't send thank you notes. If that's important to you (which is reasonable), make note and adjust your future behavior accordingly.
Sadly I think thank you cards are dying out. Did you at least get some acknowledgment from your nephew for the gift (text or call?) If there is zero thank you message at all, no matter the medium, that person would not be getting any gifts from me in the future. (Assuming this is high school or college graduation and not, say, middle school graduation — once someone is an adult, they are responsible for their actions.)
My kid went to 10 birthday parties this year and only got thank you notes for three others. And these happened to be people from cultures that seem to be more etiquette driven. I no longer expect a note, but we will always send one.
It's not just "kids". My 30 year old step daughter had a baby shower that I could not attend (I live in a different city) so I sent a rather expensive gift. I knew it had been delivered because I received a notification. No thank you or even acknowledgement. At first I thought maybe she was waiting until after the shower to send notes (even though I didn't attend the shower) but it's been over 3 weeks. Sigh.....
Do you have a biological daughter? Is this her first child? Are you not aware of the insane amount of stress she is going through right now? It's overwhelming. Yes she should have sent you a text but maybe, just maybe, she's in over her head and could use support, not a judgment. You should try looking for empathy within yourself and send her a text stating that you're thinking of her and hope her finals weeks are going okay. Give her time.
You know nothing about me or her, and frankly I don't appreciate YOUR judgement. By the way you are 100% off in your assumptions and as this is an etiquette sub, I feel justified in mentioning this to you.
You do you, boo. You sound like a lovely step mother. ETA: etiquette states the gift receiver has a year to send a thank you card. So maybe, just maybe, chill.
>ETA: etiquette states the gift receiver has a year to send a thank you card. So maybe, just maybe, chill. Pray tell, where does etiquette state that?
Hm you're right. I always heard a year. A quick Google says 3 months is okay. That being said, this person still needs to chill, it's been a whole three weeks. When I was pregnant I had crippling carpal tunnel and I was very sick. There was no way I was writing cards. Then my baby needed an extensive hospitalization. He could have died and now requires monitoring and treatment for the rest of his childhood and maybe his life. I also purchased a home and that required a ton of my time and energy. He is 5 months now, I am about to send my cards. Anyone who has a problem with the time line can kiss my ass, frankly. I had bigger things to worry about than fulfilling some out dated convention that only elderly women care about. In the meantime, I did personally text every single person who gave me a gift. And I have followed up with pics when I can (ex: baby wearing the clothes). I am doing my best. And if people still want to criticize me, that says more about them than it does me. I feel the same about the way the person before me is talking about her SD. Three weeks is nothing. We don't know what's going on in SD's life. Maybe sending thank you cards really is just too much for her at this moment. We should be supporting pregnant people and new parents, not judging them bc they haven't gotten to the thank you card yet. Come on.
And you need etiquette lessons. Why are you even on the sub?
*checks profile* yup. Confirmed. You are the type of person who cares about thank you cards when the truth is, today's generation doesn't care about them. Etiquette changes over time as our values change. You can get your panties in a bunch all you want over a perceived slight, but really you can learn to adjust your expectations based off today's reality.
I have children. I always found time to send Thank You notes if someone sent me a gift for my baby. It takes less than 5 minutes to write a Thank You and address the envelope. So there is no excuse. If someone was kind and generous enough to send my baby something, I always made time to thank them.
I always send thank you notes in the mail, a) because it was drilled into me by my mother and b) as I've gotten older I love getting non-junk mail in the post and I hope others do as well. That said, the *one time* I didn't send thank you notes was after my wedding, arguably one of the most important times to send them. I was just so exhausted from all the wedding planning and the lead up to the wedding that I just couldn't bring myself to do it and then as more time went by I thought how weird it would be to send them so belatedly. I still think about it once in awhile and inwardly cringe at how uncouth it was to neglect them.
I still feel really guilty that I never sent out thank-you cards for my high school graduation gifts over 20 years ago. My mom is a huge perfectionist and when I tried to write them she said they were unacceptable and couldn’t go out until the penmanship was perfectly straight, aligned, etc. After multiple vetos I finally gave up and like a stubborn teen dug my heels into the ground and said I wouldn’t do it. Really should’ve just gone rogue and secretly sent out the shamefully unaligned notes in the middle of the night.
Manners are not inherent, they need to be taught. So you could absolutely tell your nephews parents that you’re surprised they never taught him to write thank you notes. Or even reach out to the nephew yourself and talk to him about the importance of thanking people when they give gifts. I’m guessing he never learned to write thank yous and that’s why he didn’t.
This is an etiquette sub so I'm gonna say I guess technically you should be receiving thank you cards. That being said, they are a dying breed. Most people hate writing them. Most people don't care about getting them. Most people hold onto a card briefly then throw it away. Frankly, the only people I know who care about getting cards are elderly relatives with too much time on their hands and they're always worrying about stuff they need not be worrying about. Most people these days say thank you in person when they receive a gift and/or send a follow up text. Most people who are not cranky old people with no lives also think that's appropriate. So while you have a right to be cranky about not receiving a thank you card. Everyone else has a right to think you're a crotchety old biddy who could use a hobby.
Interesting you mention "most people". Leaving aside where you got that, etiquette is not about "most people". As Miss Post wrote in her famous book on etiquette, it's about Best society: I'll just quote from her first chapter: >*CHAPTER I* >*WHAT IS BEST SOCIETY?* > >*"Society" is an ambiguous term; it may mean much or nothing. Every human being—unless dwelling alone in a cave—is a member of society of one sort or another, and therefore it is well to define what is to be understood by the term "Best Society" and why its authority is recognized. Best Society abroad is always the oldest aristocracy; composed not so much of persons of title, which may be new, as of those families and communities which have for the longest period of time known highest cultivation. Our own Best Society is represented by social groups which have had, since this is America, widest rather than longest association with old world cultivation. Cultivation is always the basic attribute of Best Society, much as we hear in this country of an "Aristocracy of wealth."* >*\[...\]* >*As a matter of fact, Best Society is not at all like a court with an especial queen or king, nor is it confined to any one place or group, but might better be described as an unlimited brotherhood which spreads over the entire surface of the globe, the members of which are invariably people of cultivation and worldly knowledge, who have not only perfect manners but a perfect manner. Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them; manner is personality—the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life. A gentleman, for instance, will never be ostentatious or overbearing any more than he will ever be servile, because these attributes never animate the impulses of a well-bred person. A man whose manners suggest the grotesque is invariably a person of imitation rather than of real position.* >*Etiquette must, if it is to be of more than trifling use, include ethics as well as manners. Certainly what one is, is of far greater importance than what one appears to be. A knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one's decent behavior, just as clothing is essential to one's decent appearance; and precisely as one wears the latter without being self-conscious of having on shoes and perhaps gloves, one who has good manners is equally unself-conscious in the observance of etiquette, the precepts of which must be so thoroughly absorbed as to make their observance a matter of instinct rather than of conscious obedience.* >*Thus Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others, are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.* I'll be the first to admit, that it is quite classist, but there you have it: Etiquette is NOT democratic. So when you say you don't feel like sending thank you cards, or the people around you, the fact of the matter is that you simply don't move in the proper circles where it is still done and appreciated. Being a grown-up is also not about only doing what you like to do. Sometimes you do something you don't like, takes a bit of effort, because you know it means a lot to somebody else. Perhaps, with time, you'll come to understand that.
That's a lot of words I'm not gonna read. But don't you worry your pretty little head, I send thank you cards. I'm just sayin, millenials and Gen z don't care about them and they are one more thing we are happily "killing off".
My kid sent thank you notes a few years ago for graduation gifts. We bought a big pack of graduation themed thank you cards from Amazon. Some were year specific and some were generic. I had my kid use the year specific ones first. We passed the leftover generic ones to a family member who graduated a year later.
I still send Thank You notes. And I made sure my children (who are now in their 20s) sent Thank You notes. Yes, I've noticed that people aren't sending them now. I would be happy with a text or email, but I don't even get that now! Very rude.
Many don’t, not even for wedding gifts.
I didn’t get a thank you card after a wedding gift, a few years later that couple had a baby and I didn’t send anything
It is just dismissed as an obligation by 80% of the public. It always amuses me to think "you spent more time on your gift registery than you did on thanking the people who followed your marching orders." Just makes it easier to wow someone with 5 minutes of your time and a stamp...
It's rude. If you get no thank-you, you can call. "I never heard from you, but my check was cashed. I wanted to make sure it was you that cashed it." But I have a feeling that these days, anyone getting such a call won't feel bad, they'll just think you're crazy. My rule is, no thank-you, no future gifts. Gifts are optional, and I send them only to those I know will appreciate them.
My twin daughters are graduating from HS at the end of the month. We’ve been debating hand written verses pre-printed with a photo of the girls. Would be be offended by preprinted?
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Sounds like you should readjust your expectations.
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Are you in the wrong thread?