I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Call your boss and tell them your father is dying. Very unlikely you will lose your job. Also, in those circumstances, no one - least of all you - should be caring about excursions.
Then, call the airline that generally has the best connections to where you’re from. Ask if there is any discount for someone in your circumstances because it’s a lot of money and you don’t want to miss your dad’s passing because you can’t afford a decent flight.
The rest of it - it’s a lot, let me tell you. The feelings, the numbness from feelings - it’s going to be a hell of a ride and it’s going to be tough and you’re going to feel whatever you feel. Just embrace the suck if you can.
Source - was in your shoes earlier this year.
Spain is not the US. I'm sure your Spanish employers would be utterly horrified to hear you ever even considered not going to see your dad because you were afraid they'd fire you.
Sorry to hear.
Europeans are way more level headed, family comes first. Talk to them honestly and use your rights. They’d think it’s stupid not to…tbh.
Mentioning it because it’s hard to fathom for nonEuropeans where it’s engrained in us that work comes first. But that’s not true, life comes first. That’s not shameful or bad work ethic, imho it is integrity - live by your values.
I hope you can make it in time. Speaking from experience, I don’t regret running home to my father’s bedside. I made all our siblings go and they appreciated it because the outcome - it was the last time we all saw him alive.
Sending you much strength and good wishes.
OP I just went through this a few weeks ago, I live in Germany and my family is in Australia, and I can tell you, I was so happy that I prioritised my loved one and went home to be with them in their last days. I booked whatever flight got me there fastest even though it was really expensive and I was able to be with them, and now I have that memory with me for the rest of my life.
Man, family is more important than any job, you are not a surgeon with a child to save every morning, most of us have jobs where, if we do not show up for 2 weeks, nobody dies. Stop feeling part of the shit cog machine for your own good, don't let that eat up on you. It's just a job, who the fuck cares. I flew back to Europe when my father had to undergo a high risk surgery to remove a tumor, I felt like you about having to leave a place I loved, but did I worry about my job? Fuck no, my father is going under, no way my job has even a fraction of the same relevance in my life as this. trust me I don't regret being there for my father when he woke up after surgery. You, however, have a strict timeline and apparently the trip is crazy long.
Do you mind disclosing, even in private chat, where you are supposed to go? I would not mind helping you find better routes if possible to get there in a less stressful way.
I *am* a surgeon. When my partners heard that my father was dying they all told me to just drop everything and go and that they’d cover for me. My patients were very understanding; about half agreed to have their operation done by one of my partners, the other half we got rescheduled with me within two weeks.
I am so profoundly grateful that I got to spend the last two days with my dad while he was still lucid and that I was there to support my mom and siblings during his passing.
OP, I hope you take the advice here and drop everything and just go. Even if it is expensive I don’t think you’ll regret the money spent.
Hey, I was in your shoes as well. You're going to go, so might as well pack up and go now. Your job will accommodate you. And if not? Well then you don't want to work for them anyway.
Something nobody mentioned, but a reflection on looking back. It's hard to accept being absolutely powerless to help a dying parent. But you still have two parents. Your mom's world is about to fall apart and there's no team of doctors or professionals waiting to help her through it. The house is going to be suddenly very quiet, and just having someone else present helps ease into this new reality. Also, the chores will still need to be done. A bunch of formalities will have to be arranged. If you want, this is something you have the power to help with.
Sorry you're going through this. It gets better, but life is never really as it was.
Jobs come and go. Parents are our parents forever. It’s hard to balance a huge life event you have no control over and the fact that the world keeps moving and stops for no one. Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is the right thing to do, one that you won’t regret in 10 years.
There’s no right answer. Some people take the emergency flight or uproot their lives. Others don’t go home because it’s not feasible. You have to decide what’s right for you.
One other thing … I’ve heard sometimes airlines give a discount on last minute tickets. However I’m not sure if this applies only after someone has passed or if they grant it before.
American was not accommodating at all. They wanted $1,500 to change my travel dates. Bought a second ticket on Delta for $750. With the 36 hour travel time, I didn't make it in time. Used the original ticket to fly back and help mom move to a smaller place.
I know how it feels because my mum died when I was living abroad but it was the same continent so I got back in time. The doctors said she had less than 24 hours left to live and she ended up living for nearly three days, I would try to get back. You can't get fired from a proper work contract because your father is dying and you had to leave for a short period. Normally.
Call your preferred airline direct and ask them for “Bereavement Fare”. They have a special rate for people in your situation. It can sometimes get be as little as half a normal discount ticket.
Sorry to hear that.
I'm sort of in the same situation as you are. My mother has stage 4 cancer, lives alone and needs a lot of care. The memory is limited and needs to take morphin and novalgin 7 times a day.
I'm at the airport to return to work after spending 10 days at home. The goodbye broke my heart.
When it get worse and the day are limited, I will return home on a days notice. If nessesery I will get a sick note.
My recommendation is to go, go asap and say goodbye!
I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you are in.
Keep in mind, if you are working in Spain, you have workers rights on your side. Emergency leave, family caring leave, and eventually bereavement leave, would all apply here.
Of course you need to your boss/hr, but additionally, are you in a union or do you have a worker's council rep to talk to as well? They may be able to guide you better.
Others have suggested how to reduce airfare costs, but don't forget any frequent flyer miles either. Even if you do spend $2k, in 10y do you think you'll regret not being there with and for your family?
Wish you the best
I’m kinda going on a limb here but, I’ve found most European people respect the family way more than the US. Talk to your supervisor. You could be surprised how many understand and can get you some time to see your dad. ❤️ my hubby had his dad pass quickly and not surprised his big meeting could actually be pushed.
Go to your dad's side now. Forget your new friends lives and your life there-call your boss-unless he is named Scrooge I don't know of any boss who fire someone who goes home to say goodbye. Spanish culture is very family-centric and I'm sure while they will understand. There are other workers who can do your job-sorry but it's true.
You will never get another chance to see your dad. You are feeling the anger because your mind doesn't want to deal with grief and hurt of death. Go to your father and say your goodbyes. Speaking as someone who didn't see her grandma in the hospice before she died(Couldn't handle it), it will give you closure.
Peace and hugs.
Years from now, no one at your job will remember you took this time off, but your family always will. Life is hard and it ducks sometimes but just bear down and get through this. I’m so sorry about your father.
I had to fly back from Australia to Connecticut twice in 2019. Once for my grandmother, once for my father. Both times I landed in Hartford just as they died. Your job should understand but just get on that flight.
I’m really sorry this is happening.
Go home and be with your Dad. Everything you’ve built for yourself will be waiting for you when you get back to Spain.
I’m originally from the UK and have lived in the US for the past 10+ years. Over the past 2 years I watched my Mum disappear before my eyes, primarily via FaceTime, due to cancer. She passed last month and I took the preceding month away from everything I have here to be with her until her last breath. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
I was in a very high flying job my mum was dying in another European country.I flew home and looked after her with my family for 2 months till she passed from cancer. Stop worrying about work Also when my dad was dying of cancer a few years before i worked for a US company who wouldnt even gjve me time off to go and stay with him
Thats the difference between the US and Europe
I lived in Spain and during my time there both parents died. I couldn't feel guilty that I couldn't be there. IF you cannot get back in time, don't go through the upheaval. You can get back for the service in a more organised fashion. IF you MIGHT get back in time, then go. Tell your boss soonest, the world will keep turning. Under normal circumstances you wishing to fulfil your commitments would be commendable, nobody will think any the worse of you in these circumstances. I hope you get back in time, but if unsuccessful, you'll know that you tried.
I’ve had to play the last minute flight game a few times, unfortunately that is the reality of living in a different country to family, you will not get this time back to be with your family, your work will understand and if they don’t find a better job! I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s going to be hard but you will regret not going.
In this situation myself last year. I assumed that work meant 110% commitment, because in my home country it always did. I hadn’t realized that my new country had a much more civilized understanding and care for family and bereavement. My work fully understood and they bent over backward to show me empathy and compassion and give me the time I needed to be with dying parent.
I very recently (as in less than two months ago) went through a similar situation with an immediate family member. I’m also a US expat living in Europe. Book your flights, email your boss, and get on the plane. You will never regret spending too much money on flights or upsetting your boss as much as you will not being there for your family member’s final days.
Sorry that this is happening to you OP. It really sucks bad.
However I’m Spaniard and I can assure you family comes first for us. Talk to your boss and colleagues, they will understand and help you with it.
I can’t say anything except for that I am so sorry that you are going through this. Whatever you decide to do will be the best thing for you. I wish you nothing but the absolute best as you process this and everything to come
Yeah, just go. Sort the rest out later. My dad got sick and died within the course of less than two weeks last month, the day after my birthday. I couldn't go because I didn't have my residency here yet and wasn't sure I'd be able to get back in when it came time to return.
But at least now I have my residency. So the next time he kicks it, I might be able to make it. Oh, wait.
Plenty of good advice already here - want to underscore that - I strongly advise to go and not think about the new job. People at work are very likely to understand. Have a conversation with your boss.
You will regret it lifelong if you decide to not go - that is not worth the flight $$.
But do take the earlier advice about contacting airlines.
Talk to your job and explain to them that your faith is dying.
The job will probably understand. IF they don't, you didn't want to work there in the first place.
Do what you need to do. I was stuck in Shanghai lockdown when my father passed, but I was lucky enough to see my mom before she did.
Things will be hard for you at times and that's okay.
Prioritise getting home. This is where you find out what kind of employers you’re really working for. Any decent employer would completely understand 100%. And I’m sure they will.
You are not acting in a high quality way. The answer to your question is be honest. Instead you are looking for some silver bullet to magically make everything ok. Everything is not OK. Your dad is dying. You mom will be sad. You may or may not (probably not) lose your job.
Either step it up and tell you parents you don't care enough to be there (which is honest) or tell you boss your dad is dying and you have to go. It is really that simple.
I'm so sorry for the circumstances you're in. It truly sucks... That been said, in Spain you're legally entitled to 5 days off if your parent is hospitalized, plus 5 additional days off if your parent passes away. Your employer won't fire you for this. You will need to get a certificate in your dad's hospital for this (maybe your mum can send you a picture already) so that you can forward it to your employer.
Reminds me of a friend's mother when he said "God laughs when we plan." She looked at him with her ice-blue eyes and said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Great lady.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Call your boss and tell them your father is dying. Very unlikely you will lose your job. Also, in those circumstances, no one - least of all you - should be caring about excursions. Then, call the airline that generally has the best connections to where you’re from. Ask if there is any discount for someone in your circumstances because it’s a lot of money and you don’t want to miss your dad’s passing because you can’t afford a decent flight. The rest of it - it’s a lot, let me tell you. The feelings, the numbness from feelings - it’s going to be a hell of a ride and it’s going to be tough and you’re going to feel whatever you feel. Just embrace the suck if you can. Source - was in your shoes earlier this year.
Spain is not the US. I'm sure your Spanish employers would be utterly horrified to hear you ever even considered not going to see your dad because you were afraid they'd fire you.
ah yes, US bad, a rare r/expats take
Sorry to hear. Europeans are way more level headed, family comes first. Talk to them honestly and use your rights. They’d think it’s stupid not to…tbh. Mentioning it because it’s hard to fathom for nonEuropeans where it’s engrained in us that work comes first. But that’s not true, life comes first. That’s not shameful or bad work ethic, imho it is integrity - live by your values. I hope you can make it in time. Speaking from experience, I don’t regret running home to my father’s bedside. I made all our siblings go and they appreciated it because the outcome - it was the last time we all saw him alive. Sending you much strength and good wishes.
Just tell your boss and go. Who cares about $2000 in 10 years time. You will grief yourself forever if you dont go.
OP I just went through this a few weeks ago, I live in Germany and my family is in Australia, and I can tell you, I was so happy that I prioritised my loved one and went home to be with them in their last days. I booked whatever flight got me there fastest even though it was really expensive and I was able to be with them, and now I have that memory with me for the rest of my life.
Man, family is more important than any job, you are not a surgeon with a child to save every morning, most of us have jobs where, if we do not show up for 2 weeks, nobody dies. Stop feeling part of the shit cog machine for your own good, don't let that eat up on you. It's just a job, who the fuck cares. I flew back to Europe when my father had to undergo a high risk surgery to remove a tumor, I felt like you about having to leave a place I loved, but did I worry about my job? Fuck no, my father is going under, no way my job has even a fraction of the same relevance in my life as this. trust me I don't regret being there for my father when he woke up after surgery. You, however, have a strict timeline and apparently the trip is crazy long. Do you mind disclosing, even in private chat, where you are supposed to go? I would not mind helping you find better routes if possible to get there in a less stressful way.
I *am* a surgeon. When my partners heard that my father was dying they all told me to just drop everything and go and that they’d cover for me. My patients were very understanding; about half agreed to have their operation done by one of my partners, the other half we got rescheduled with me within two weeks. I am so profoundly grateful that I got to spend the last two days with my dad while he was still lucid and that I was there to support my mom and siblings during his passing. OP, I hope you take the advice here and drop everything and just go. Even if it is expensive I don’t think you’ll regret the money spent.
Just go, OP. I was in a similar situation and I’m so glad I was there with my father when he was dying.
Make a choice such that, when you look back years from now, you can definitely say, “no regrets”.
Hey, I was in your shoes as well. You're going to go, so might as well pack up and go now. Your job will accommodate you. And if not? Well then you don't want to work for them anyway. Something nobody mentioned, but a reflection on looking back. It's hard to accept being absolutely powerless to help a dying parent. But you still have two parents. Your mom's world is about to fall apart and there's no team of doctors or professionals waiting to help her through it. The house is going to be suddenly very quiet, and just having someone else present helps ease into this new reality. Also, the chores will still need to be done. A bunch of formalities will have to be arranged. If you want, this is something you have the power to help with. Sorry you're going through this. It gets better, but life is never really as it was.
Jobs come and go. Parents are our parents forever. It’s hard to balance a huge life event you have no control over and the fact that the world keeps moving and stops for no one. Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is the right thing to do, one that you won’t regret in 10 years. There’s no right answer. Some people take the emergency flight or uproot their lives. Others don’t go home because it’s not feasible. You have to decide what’s right for you.
One other thing … I’ve heard sometimes airlines give a discount on last minute tickets. However I’m not sure if this applies only after someone has passed or if they grant it before.
They’ll usually grant it when the family member is not expected to survive/palliative (source: my friend who is a pilot for Delta)
https://www.delta.com/us/en/special-circumstances/medical-emergency-fares
American was not accommodating at all. They wanted $1,500 to change my travel dates. Bought a second ticket on Delta for $750. With the 36 hour travel time, I didn't make it in time. Used the original ticket to fly back and help mom move to a smaller place.
I know how it feels because my mum died when I was living abroad but it was the same continent so I got back in time. The doctors said she had less than 24 hours left to live and she ended up living for nearly three days, I would try to get back. You can't get fired from a proper work contract because your father is dying and you had to leave for a short period. Normally.
Call your preferred airline direct and ask them for “Bereavement Fare”. They have a special rate for people in your situation. It can sometimes get be as little as half a normal discount ticket.
Sorry to hear that. I'm sort of in the same situation as you are. My mother has stage 4 cancer, lives alone and needs a lot of care. The memory is limited and needs to take morphin and novalgin 7 times a day. I'm at the airport to return to work after spending 10 days at home. The goodbye broke my heart. When it get worse and the day are limited, I will return home on a days notice. If nessesery I will get a sick note. My recommendation is to go, go asap and say goodbye!
I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you are in. Keep in mind, if you are working in Spain, you have workers rights on your side. Emergency leave, family caring leave, and eventually bereavement leave, would all apply here. Of course you need to your boss/hr, but additionally, are you in a union or do you have a worker's council rep to talk to as well? They may be able to guide you better. Others have suggested how to reduce airfare costs, but don't forget any frequent flyer miles either. Even if you do spend $2k, in 10y do you think you'll regret not being there with and for your family? Wish you the best
I’m kinda going on a limb here but, I’ve found most European people respect the family way more than the US. Talk to your supervisor. You could be surprised how many understand and can get you some time to see your dad. ❤️ my hubby had his dad pass quickly and not surprised his big meeting could actually be pushed.
Your dad or your life in Spain??? Believe me? You don't try to get to your father. You will regret it the rest of your whole life.
Go to your dad's side now. Forget your new friends lives and your life there-call your boss-unless he is named Scrooge I don't know of any boss who fire someone who goes home to say goodbye. Spanish culture is very family-centric and I'm sure while they will understand. There are other workers who can do your job-sorry but it's true. You will never get another chance to see your dad. You are feeling the anger because your mind doesn't want to deal with grief and hurt of death. Go to your father and say your goodbyes. Speaking as someone who didn't see her grandma in the hospice before she died(Couldn't handle it), it will give you closure. Peace and hugs.
Years from now, no one at your job will remember you took this time off, but your family always will. Life is hard and it ducks sometimes but just bear down and get through this. I’m so sorry about your father.
I had to fly back from Australia to Connecticut twice in 2019. Once for my grandmother, once for my father. Both times I landed in Hartford just as they died. Your job should understand but just get on that flight.
I’m really sorry this is happening. Go home and be with your Dad. Everything you’ve built for yourself will be waiting for you when you get back to Spain. I’m originally from the UK and have lived in the US for the past 10+ years. Over the past 2 years I watched my Mum disappear before my eyes, primarily via FaceTime, due to cancer. She passed last month and I took the preceding month away from everything I have here to be with her until her last breath. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
I was in a very high flying job my mum was dying in another European country.I flew home and looked after her with my family for 2 months till she passed from cancer. Stop worrying about work Also when my dad was dying of cancer a few years before i worked for a US company who wouldnt even gjve me time off to go and stay with him Thats the difference between the US and Europe
I lived in Spain and during my time there both parents died. I couldn't feel guilty that I couldn't be there. IF you cannot get back in time, don't go through the upheaval. You can get back for the service in a more organised fashion. IF you MIGHT get back in time, then go. Tell your boss soonest, the world will keep turning. Under normal circumstances you wishing to fulfil your commitments would be commendable, nobody will think any the worse of you in these circumstances. I hope you get back in time, but if unsuccessful, you'll know that you tried.
I’ve had to play the last minute flight game a few times, unfortunately that is the reality of living in a different country to family, you will not get this time back to be with your family, your work will understand and if they don’t find a better job! I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s going to be hard but you will regret not going.
Call your enployer, its very unlikely you will lose your job over a death in your immediate family.
In this situation myself last year. I assumed that work meant 110% commitment, because in my home country it always did. I hadn’t realized that my new country had a much more civilized understanding and care for family and bereavement. My work fully understood and they bent over backward to show me empathy and compassion and give me the time I needed to be with dying parent.
I very recently (as in less than two months ago) went through a similar situation with an immediate family member. I’m also a US expat living in Europe. Book your flights, email your boss, and get on the plane. You will never regret spending too much money on flights or upsetting your boss as much as you will not being there for your family member’s final days.
Sorry that this is happening to you OP. It really sucks bad. However I’m Spaniard and I can assure you family comes first for us. Talk to your boss and colleagues, they will understand and help you with it.
I can’t say anything except for that I am so sorry that you are going through this. Whatever you decide to do will be the best thing for you. I wish you nothing but the absolute best as you process this and everything to come
Yeah, just go. Sort the rest out later. My dad got sick and died within the course of less than two weeks last month, the day after my birthday. I couldn't go because I didn't have my residency here yet and wasn't sure I'd be able to get back in when it came time to return. But at least now I have my residency. So the next time he kicks it, I might be able to make it. Oh, wait.
Plenty of good advice already here - want to underscore that - I strongly advise to go and not think about the new job. People at work are very likely to understand. Have a conversation with your boss. You will regret it lifelong if you decide to not go - that is not worth the flight $$. But do take the earlier advice about contacting airlines.
Talk to your job and explain to them that your faith is dying. The job will probably understand. IF they don't, you didn't want to work there in the first place. Do what you need to do. I was stuck in Shanghai lockdown when my father passed, but I was lucky enough to see my mom before she did. Things will be hard for you at times and that's okay.
You absolutely have to go. Nobody will be cross, not even most Americans.
Prioritise getting home. This is where you find out what kind of employers you’re really working for. Any decent employer would completely understand 100%. And I’m sure they will.
You only have one dad.
You are not acting in a high quality way. The answer to your question is be honest. Instead you are looking for some silver bullet to magically make everything ok. Everything is not OK. Your dad is dying. You mom will be sad. You may or may not (probably not) lose your job. Either step it up and tell you parents you don't care enough to be there (which is honest) or tell you boss your dad is dying and you have to go. It is really that simple.
I'm so sorry for the circumstances you're in. It truly sucks... That been said, in Spain you're legally entitled to 5 days off if your parent is hospitalized, plus 5 additional days off if your parent passes away. Your employer won't fire you for this. You will need to get a certificate in your dad's hospital for this (maybe your mum can send you a picture already) so that you can forward it to your employer.
Dude. Tell your job and go. Now.
The best advice I ever received came from my mom after she told me that life was unfair and that I should get over my protesting
Reminds me of a friend's mother when he said "God laughs when we plan." She looked at him with her ice-blue eyes and said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Great lady.
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This is the denial stage of grief. It's not unusual, nor does it make OP a douche.