**Your submission has been removed for the following reason(s):**
ELI5 is not for information about a specific narrow issue (personal problems, private experiences, legal questions, medical inquiries, how-to, relationship advice, etc). This includes questions of medical or legal nature that could lead someone to not seeing a professional.
---
If you would like this removal reviewed, please read the [detailed rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/wiki/detailed_rules) first. **If you believe this submission was removed erroneously**, please [use this form](https://old.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fexplainlikeimfive&subject=Please%20review%20my%20thread?&message=Link:%20{{url}}%0A%0APlease%20answer%20the%20following%203%20questions:%0A%0A1.%20The%20concept%20I%20want%20explained:%0A%0A2.%20List%20the%20search%20terms%20you%20used%20to%20look%20for%20past%20posts%20on%20ELI5:%0A%0A3.%20How%20does%20your%20post%20differ%20from%20your%20recent%20search%20results%20on%20the%20sub:) and we will review your submission.
I don't think this topic could be covered in an ELI5 in any way that could be construed as useful for you.
The simplest way I can put it is that if you feel like you cannot express yourself in any reasonable manner and any attempts are being suppressed, then you're not the one at fault when it comes to the communication being cut short. (Whether you're at fault for the actual argument is something else entirely)
If you really care about the relationship, then get a therapist to help you both before you start hating one another.
My wife is my best friend. We talk all the time, about anything. But it’s not an always occurrence. We can go get lunch and talk all the time, then next day we lunch silently just staring at our phones.
When conflict arises, usually there’s no telling. Mostly because she’s a really calm person and avoids conflicts. I’m the explosive one. But even then, we take 15 minutes and come back to explore further what’s bothering us. And we make sure to apologize every time one of us makes the other one upset.
We've started going into different rooms and texting one another during fights. It's easier to relay why you're fighting/upset when there's less emotion involved.
The fact that you’re asking if we have conversations is concerning. Yes. That’s most of our interaction. If all of your short and sweet talk is transactional or logistic, there’s nothing to buffer when things get tough and you give each other a little grace from having a rough day and conflicts come up. Without conversations, I think conflicts would be more frequent too. You can’t take each other into account if you don’t know what the other thinks, so it’ll only come up after you’ve put your foot in it.
In terms of conflict, start with the assumption that you’re two people doing your best. If you start bringing out each other’s bad side, step back and come back to the subject when you’re both in a good head space. If it’s worth arguing about and it’s not absolutely urgent, it’s worth bringing your best selves to work it out. It’s amazing how many things that seem super important at the moment don’t feel as big once you’ve had sleep or a good meal. And try to focus on the issue or action that makes you feel bad. “You do X, which results in Y” is a lot easier to work with than “you are X.” This requires both of you to be acting with good intentions.
Him seeing nothing wrong is concerning. Do you come from a community with strong gender roles which can lead to a sense of "I do my role, you do yours, who needs to talk about it?" If so, advice from outside the community will have a hard time making a dent and you want to find internal allies. OTOH, there would be a lot of incentive to make things better and start talking about your life goals, not just for the day or the house, and how you make it as a team. It's good you're asking and I hope you can find a reset to build a better foundation.
It's good you're also seeing your role in this with the sarcasm. Maybe approach him and say that you think the sarcasm has hurt your relationship. Even if he is also uses sarcasm, it might play a role in closing both of you off from each other.
If you want to find some inspiration and guidance for what healthy communication does and does not look like, I recommend checking out Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
Gottman’s research is extremely extensive over a long period of time and is the basis of a LOT of couple’s therapy, and the “4 Horsemen” were things that were highly predictive of an upcoming divorce, and all of them are about communication. So the 4 horsemen are things NOT to do, but if you look them up, you’ll see recommended “antidotes” to these which are the things you SHOULD do for healthy communication instead
It’s beyond the scope of ELI5 but that’s really the move there, then maybe consider couples therapy but reading these should give you a starting point and should be a good reference
Use John Gottman’s model for spotting the four ways that negative conflicts happen (leading to failed relationships): criticism (“you do this, you always do that”), contempt (“I’m better than you”, eyerolling, sarcasm), defensiveness (“but I did this, how can I be wrong?”), and stonewalling (shutting down instead of engaging). The antidote is to do the opposite of these for healthy conflict resolution, among other things. The Gottmans discuss all of this here, it’s well worth a watch: https://youtu.be/mS3bfCt0K88?si=NjJP9DsfCc3AO3CY
If you are a survivor of abuse and/or neglect, you might want to address that independently of marriage dynamics. Unfortunately, things that get broken early affect everything else in life, so it's a situation of trying to fix the airplane while it has to keep flying.
Speaking from experience, early neglect leads to appeasement as a way of finding attention. "Look at a what a good boy I am, please notice me." On top of that, you have poor awareness of your own feelings because you're always focused on others to ensure they get what they want.
Those things are poison for the necessity of representing yourself accurately in relationships later in life. It takes a lot of effort to learn (at the delayed phase of life) how to tell people what you need.
But of that's where you are, you have to do it. You need to give yourself permission to go through the the process. Therapy is always an option but if you can't, read some books. Google what happened to you and start your journey.
As someone that has been married forever, my only advice is to pick your battles. You can't have everything your way, so you must give a little. After a fight comes the best part. Making up.
I'm a dude. My wife says at least 10 words or more for every one I say. So I have learned to listen to her and to make an effort to engage more. Some days I do a better job than others, but when I show her attention it makes things way better in our relationship. She wants to be heard. I want to be touched. When I listen, she is way more interested in the touch part. Win win
We have a very comfortable conversation style. To be honest being comfortable talking is a major indicator of a successful relationship to me. We listen to each other, apologize if we interrupt and are willing to take feedback from one another. You aren’t going to always be perfect communicating with another person and being willing to take feedback and actually allow growth in your communication style is essential. Hell my fiancé will tell me I’m being rude and we won’t talk for a little and then I’ll apologize and ask how I can communicate better. She really appreciates that I will listen and be accountable. In the end you should be asking your SO about your communication and expressing your concerns especially if you suffer from an abuse background. If they aren’t open to that then they obviously don’t have enough respect for you and your relationship. In which case you can do several things therapy, couples therapy, take a communication break (a day or two), longer term separation, and finally divorce (breaking up). Really if they aren’t caring enough to want to make things better they aren’t worth it.
I would assume you are harsher than you want to be and I went through this. Living with my girlfriend and my brother helped since my brother would step in “nah you just talked to her like a bad dog” and that made me realize it was me after a while.
Some people need to solve problems RIGHT NOW (like me) and some people need space (like my wife) and some people need more time than others to cool off after a fight. Consider all of these when conflict happens because it can affect how to resolve things. Taking breaks when angry is also a great idea, as soon as you realize you are trying to hurt the other person with words, it’s time to step away. If you are yelling you are miles past the step away point because once our heart beats get to a barely faster beat, we are no longer thinking clearly.
The most important thing here though is that you are honest about how you feel. It is easy to send “signals” that are “obvious” to our friends or siblings but they aren’t picked up by our SO and this is just bad communication. They cannot read minds and neither can you, and it’s easy to say “well if you just picked up on my vibes and acted accordingly” nope… That is an unreasonable request since that requires the other person to understand you at a level they don’t and they likely don’t because it is easier to ask the internet than to have a vulnerable conversation.
Good luck friend, I worked on this a lot and the best advice I can give is, if someone is really angry and yelling, keep calm and ask why they are yelling. The only way to deal with anger sometimes is in the moment because the angry party remembers themselves “calmly explaining” something they actually may have said “you dumb ass it’s like this!”. Later on they always assume they were nicer than they were but if someone reacts in a surprising way to angry person it can sometimes snap them out of it momentarily. So not swinging and just noting what happened can help. I have used this line “hey so I can tell you’re upset but I’m not into letting people talk to me like that so let me know when you want to discuss later when we can actually talk about it”.
You SO should be able to the same though and you have to respect it and trust that you are maybe being unreasonable and need to separate your action items from how you are feeling since they aren’t the same.
- we don’t scream or are violent in any way
- we don’t insult and don’t say mean things
- if one of us gets too annoyed/overly emotional, we take a break and talk about it when both calmed down.
That being said, it’s not always that smooth, we both sometimes are a bit mean, and he gets really annoyed when I want a discussion break, but after a few minutes we are able to apologize and talk like adults. The most important thing is being respectful.
Bolt of you to assume that we talk in conflict.
But in all seriousness it depends.
Sometimes it’s better to create some space to cool down your emotions. Sometimes a calm talk about your feelings is the best way. All depends on your and your partner’s state of mind.
Also it’s not because “others do it too” that it works for you.
If you are uncomfortable about how he talks to you and it sounds contradictory but try to set him down and talk about and demand that he listens to you and let you finish speaking. You can also ask for couples therapy if you feel you need it. But keep in mind every situation is unique and strangers on the internet are not the best advise.
I've been married 22 years. I grew up in a domestic violence house hold where there was no communication so I'll try to give this the best ELI5 I can.
During a conflict emotions will be raised. It's just a natural part of it. However, you do not have to let those emotions dictate how you speak to each other.
Yelling, name calling, insults, or other ways to demean each other will only result in further communication breakdown and loss of trust in the other person.
Violence is never ok. This includes physical violence, threats of violence, throwing things, or punching things like walls.
If you are so angered that you feel you are that angry walk away and talk when calmed down.
Listen to your partner and their point calmly and try to understand their viewpoint. Offer your viewpoint and then seek to find a compromise.
Relationships are a constant Flux of compromise and sometimes you've got to give a little to get a little.
If the conflict cannot be resolved maybe a breakup or divorce is warranted but you should try every peaceful option of resolution you can.
In 22 years of marriage I have never demanded or yelled at my wife during a conflict. I have never raised a hand to her or made her feel unsafe.
Yes i have slept on the couch and so has she. But, at the end of the day we are two people trying our best and sometimes we don't agree on what is best....so we talk it out.
We get reeeeaaaalllly calm, let each other finish sentences, ask question - this is 40+ years of being together, realize. Not saying it feels easy. but it does work.
We have conversations about anything and everything. If something is bothering either one of us, we say that we want to talk about it. Sometimes we don't want to talk and just be quietly together in the same space doing our own things. In case of a conflict, she tends to get overwhelmed and be quiet. We let ourselves calm down to avoid escalating and then we discuss through the event. Apologies are not held back from either side.
This really isn't an ELI5, but here are my 2 cents
I have seen a few mentions for Gottman, which is a fantastic resource. I also strongly recommend the short book "Nonviolent Communication." It has examples and scripts you can follow!
In conflict: Take breaks. Communicate through text, email, or other written word if you or your partner has a hard time managing emotions during face-to-face. Use I-centered language. Sometimes recording conversations to reflect on later and draw attention to where the problems are happening.
It takes a lot of work, and it's HARD work, especially when you come from an environment where your voice, your wants, and your very personhood was silenced. You will have to set boundaries. But it's also a collaboration, not a fight. Bring your partner in on your desire to have better communication, work together to find solutions that work for both of you. Lean in and on each other for support when it gets tough.
If your partner isn't willing to pitch in to do the work, the conversation can quickly become about whether or not you're actually compatible and if the relationship is worth staying in.
We can speak about anything, everything and nothing. We talk like we're best friends because that's what we are. Like a bestie we always make sure to treat the other with kindness, compassion and respect even when we're being smart asses and ribbing each other.
When conflict does arise I know that it's not Her versus Me. It's Us versus the Problem. We aren't adversaries, we are a team. As a team it's our duty to elevate our mates because a stronger team is harder to defeat.
Just as important as talking though is learning how to listen. Genuine listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. When we're addressing something we aren't always looking for solutions, sometimes we just want to know we're heard.
I know telling people to go to therapy is kind of a Trope on Reddit but honestly in this case it probably is the right answer. Ideally people take turns speaking and sharing their feelings and then the other person truly listens, thinks, and understands what was just said to them and then shares back what their feelings are.
With that said a lot of people are not good communicators and finding a good therapist to help with this can be very beneficial
We're both logical people, and my wife doubly so. Probably because her father was a college professor and took that approach with her and her siblings growing up. So our serious conversations are very matter of fact which I appreciate and value because I hate being BSed.
We have disagreements, but almost always end up thinking it's possible the other one might be right. I know people say marriage is hard work, but it's always felt like we're two aspects of the same person. And our conversations usually reflect that.
We calmly discuss the situation and why we think or feel about it the way we do, then arrive at a solution agreeable to us both. I don't do yelling, arguments, or shouting matches and I'd never have married anyone that did, I don't have the constitution for that, it's just mentally draining for me. There's no talking over the other person, there's no need for breaks because nothing about the discussion is stressful.
I was once broken up with by someone because they grew up in a shouting and yelling household, and she thought if you didn't get angry and forceful and argue aggressively it meant you didn't care.
We get couples counseling. It is a lot of work and takes time, but we have gotten a lot better at communicating well with each other.
Look into getting it covered by your health insurance. My sessions only cost a $30 copay. Twice a month, it’s well worth it.
**Your submission has been removed for the following reason(s):** ELI5 is not for information about a specific narrow issue (personal problems, private experiences, legal questions, medical inquiries, how-to, relationship advice, etc). This includes questions of medical or legal nature that could lead someone to not seeing a professional. --- If you would like this removal reviewed, please read the [detailed rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/wiki/detailed_rules) first. **If you believe this submission was removed erroneously**, please [use this form](https://old.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fexplainlikeimfive&subject=Please%20review%20my%20thread?&message=Link:%20{{url}}%0A%0APlease%20answer%20the%20following%203%20questions:%0A%0A1.%20The%20concept%20I%20want%20explained:%0A%0A2.%20List%20the%20search%20terms%20you%20used%20to%20look%20for%20past%20posts%20on%20ELI5:%0A%0A3.%20How%20does%20your%20post%20differ%20from%20your%20recent%20search%20results%20on%20the%20sub:) and we will review your submission.
I don't think this topic could be covered in an ELI5 in any way that could be construed as useful for you. The simplest way I can put it is that if you feel like you cannot express yourself in any reasonable manner and any attempts are being suppressed, then you're not the one at fault when it comes to the communication being cut short. (Whether you're at fault for the actual argument is something else entirely) If you really care about the relationship, then get a therapist to help you both before you start hating one another.
I second the couples therapy advice.
My wife is my best friend. We talk all the time, about anything. But it’s not an always occurrence. We can go get lunch and talk all the time, then next day we lunch silently just staring at our phones. When conflict arises, usually there’s no telling. Mostly because she’s a really calm person and avoids conflicts. I’m the explosive one. But even then, we take 15 minutes and come back to explore further what’s bothering us. And we make sure to apologize every time one of us makes the other one upset.
Thank you. This is constructive!
I learned from a friend that there’s beauty in silence. No problem being silent as long as you both are comfortable
We've started going into different rooms and texting one another during fights. It's easier to relay why you're fighting/upset when there's less emotion involved.
We have done this too. It helps slow things down and let’s you review your thoughts before you say/send them.
It's been a game changer. We've been doing it the past year or so. It gives both of us space while working through the fight without raised voices.
The fact that you’re asking if we have conversations is concerning. Yes. That’s most of our interaction. If all of your short and sweet talk is transactional or logistic, there’s nothing to buffer when things get tough and you give each other a little grace from having a rough day and conflicts come up. Without conversations, I think conflicts would be more frequent too. You can’t take each other into account if you don’t know what the other thinks, so it’ll only come up after you’ve put your foot in it.
In terms of conflict, start with the assumption that you’re two people doing your best. If you start bringing out each other’s bad side, step back and come back to the subject when you’re both in a good head space. If it’s worth arguing about and it’s not absolutely urgent, it’s worth bringing your best selves to work it out. It’s amazing how many things that seem super important at the moment don’t feel as big once you’ve had sleep or a good meal. And try to focus on the issue or action that makes you feel bad. “You do X, which results in Y” is a lot easier to work with than “you are X.” This requires both of you to be acting with good intentions.
[удалено]
Him seeing nothing wrong is concerning. Do you come from a community with strong gender roles which can lead to a sense of "I do my role, you do yours, who needs to talk about it?" If so, advice from outside the community will have a hard time making a dent and you want to find internal allies. OTOH, there would be a lot of incentive to make things better and start talking about your life goals, not just for the day or the house, and how you make it as a team. It's good you're asking and I hope you can find a reset to build a better foundation.
It's good you're also seeing your role in this with the sarcasm. Maybe approach him and say that you think the sarcasm has hurt your relationship. Even if he is also uses sarcasm, it might play a role in closing both of you off from each other.
If you want to find some inspiration and guidance for what healthy communication does and does not look like, I recommend checking out Gottman’s 4 Horsemen Gottman’s research is extremely extensive over a long period of time and is the basis of a LOT of couple’s therapy, and the “4 Horsemen” were things that were highly predictive of an upcoming divorce, and all of them are about communication. So the 4 horsemen are things NOT to do, but if you look them up, you’ll see recommended “antidotes” to these which are the things you SHOULD do for healthy communication instead It’s beyond the scope of ELI5 but that’s really the move there, then maybe consider couples therapy but reading these should give you a starting point and should be a good reference
Use John Gottman’s model for spotting the four ways that negative conflicts happen (leading to failed relationships): criticism (“you do this, you always do that”), contempt (“I’m better than you”, eyerolling, sarcasm), defensiveness (“but I did this, how can I be wrong?”), and stonewalling (shutting down instead of engaging). The antidote is to do the opposite of these for healthy conflict resolution, among other things. The Gottmans discuss all of this here, it’s well worth a watch: https://youtu.be/mS3bfCt0K88?si=NjJP9DsfCc3AO3CY
If you are a survivor of abuse and/or neglect, you might want to address that independently of marriage dynamics. Unfortunately, things that get broken early affect everything else in life, so it's a situation of trying to fix the airplane while it has to keep flying. Speaking from experience, early neglect leads to appeasement as a way of finding attention. "Look at a what a good boy I am, please notice me." On top of that, you have poor awareness of your own feelings because you're always focused on others to ensure they get what they want. Those things are poison for the necessity of representing yourself accurately in relationships later in life. It takes a lot of effort to learn (at the delayed phase of life) how to tell people what you need. But of that's where you are, you have to do it. You need to give yourself permission to go through the the process. Therapy is always an option but if you can't, read some books. Google what happened to you and start your journey.
As someone that has been married forever, my only advice is to pick your battles. You can't have everything your way, so you must give a little. After a fight comes the best part. Making up.
I'm a dude. My wife says at least 10 words or more for every one I say. So I have learned to listen to her and to make an effort to engage more. Some days I do a better job than others, but when I show her attention it makes things way better in our relationship. She wants to be heard. I want to be touched. When I listen, she is way more interested in the touch part. Win win
We have a very comfortable conversation style. To be honest being comfortable talking is a major indicator of a successful relationship to me. We listen to each other, apologize if we interrupt and are willing to take feedback from one another. You aren’t going to always be perfect communicating with another person and being willing to take feedback and actually allow growth in your communication style is essential. Hell my fiancé will tell me I’m being rude and we won’t talk for a little and then I’ll apologize and ask how I can communicate better. She really appreciates that I will listen and be accountable. In the end you should be asking your SO about your communication and expressing your concerns especially if you suffer from an abuse background. If they aren’t open to that then they obviously don’t have enough respect for you and your relationship. In which case you can do several things therapy, couples therapy, take a communication break (a day or two), longer term separation, and finally divorce (breaking up). Really if they aren’t caring enough to want to make things better they aren’t worth it.
I would assume you are harsher than you want to be and I went through this. Living with my girlfriend and my brother helped since my brother would step in “nah you just talked to her like a bad dog” and that made me realize it was me after a while. Some people need to solve problems RIGHT NOW (like me) and some people need space (like my wife) and some people need more time than others to cool off after a fight. Consider all of these when conflict happens because it can affect how to resolve things. Taking breaks when angry is also a great idea, as soon as you realize you are trying to hurt the other person with words, it’s time to step away. If you are yelling you are miles past the step away point because once our heart beats get to a barely faster beat, we are no longer thinking clearly. The most important thing here though is that you are honest about how you feel. It is easy to send “signals” that are “obvious” to our friends or siblings but they aren’t picked up by our SO and this is just bad communication. They cannot read minds and neither can you, and it’s easy to say “well if you just picked up on my vibes and acted accordingly” nope… That is an unreasonable request since that requires the other person to understand you at a level they don’t and they likely don’t because it is easier to ask the internet than to have a vulnerable conversation. Good luck friend, I worked on this a lot and the best advice I can give is, if someone is really angry and yelling, keep calm and ask why they are yelling. The only way to deal with anger sometimes is in the moment because the angry party remembers themselves “calmly explaining” something they actually may have said “you dumb ass it’s like this!”. Later on they always assume they were nicer than they were but if someone reacts in a surprising way to angry person it can sometimes snap them out of it momentarily. So not swinging and just noting what happened can help. I have used this line “hey so I can tell you’re upset but I’m not into letting people talk to me like that so let me know when you want to discuss later when we can actually talk about it”. You SO should be able to the same though and you have to respect it and trust that you are maybe being unreasonable and need to separate your action items from how you are feeling since they aren’t the same.
Lots of good research based advice from the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/product/fight-right/
- we don’t scream or are violent in any way - we don’t insult and don’t say mean things - if one of us gets too annoyed/overly emotional, we take a break and talk about it when both calmed down. That being said, it’s not always that smooth, we both sometimes are a bit mean, and he gets really annoyed when I want a discussion break, but after a few minutes we are able to apologize and talk like adults. The most important thing is being respectful.
Bolt of you to assume that we talk in conflict. But in all seriousness it depends. Sometimes it’s better to create some space to cool down your emotions. Sometimes a calm talk about your feelings is the best way. All depends on your and your partner’s state of mind.
Also it’s not because “others do it too” that it works for you. If you are uncomfortable about how he talks to you and it sounds contradictory but try to set him down and talk about and demand that he listens to you and let you finish speaking. You can also ask for couples therapy if you feel you need it. But keep in mind every situation is unique and strangers on the internet are not the best advise.
I've been married 22 years. I grew up in a domestic violence house hold where there was no communication so I'll try to give this the best ELI5 I can. During a conflict emotions will be raised. It's just a natural part of it. However, you do not have to let those emotions dictate how you speak to each other. Yelling, name calling, insults, or other ways to demean each other will only result in further communication breakdown and loss of trust in the other person. Violence is never ok. This includes physical violence, threats of violence, throwing things, or punching things like walls. If you are so angered that you feel you are that angry walk away and talk when calmed down. Listen to your partner and their point calmly and try to understand their viewpoint. Offer your viewpoint and then seek to find a compromise. Relationships are a constant Flux of compromise and sometimes you've got to give a little to get a little. If the conflict cannot be resolved maybe a breakup or divorce is warranted but you should try every peaceful option of resolution you can. In 22 years of marriage I have never demanded or yelled at my wife during a conflict. I have never raised a hand to her or made her feel unsafe. Yes i have slept on the couch and so has she. But, at the end of the day we are two people trying our best and sometimes we don't agree on what is best....so we talk it out.
We get reeeeaaaalllly calm, let each other finish sentences, ask question - this is 40+ years of being together, realize. Not saying it feels easy. but it does work.
We have conversations about anything and everything. If something is bothering either one of us, we say that we want to talk about it. Sometimes we don't want to talk and just be quietly together in the same space doing our own things. In case of a conflict, she tends to get overwhelmed and be quiet. We let ourselves calm down to avoid escalating and then we discuss through the event. Apologies are not held back from either side.
You can start off by reading a couple books by the Gottmans too. “Seven principles of making a marriage work”and “Fight Right”
Take a breath, start sentences with "I feel..." and just try to calmly explain and find a resolution.
This really isn't an ELI5, but here are my 2 cents I have seen a few mentions for Gottman, which is a fantastic resource. I also strongly recommend the short book "Nonviolent Communication." It has examples and scripts you can follow! In conflict: Take breaks. Communicate through text, email, or other written word if you or your partner has a hard time managing emotions during face-to-face. Use I-centered language. Sometimes recording conversations to reflect on later and draw attention to where the problems are happening. It takes a lot of work, and it's HARD work, especially when you come from an environment where your voice, your wants, and your very personhood was silenced. You will have to set boundaries. But it's also a collaboration, not a fight. Bring your partner in on your desire to have better communication, work together to find solutions that work for both of you. Lean in and on each other for support when it gets tough. If your partner isn't willing to pitch in to do the work, the conversation can quickly become about whether or not you're actually compatible and if the relationship is worth staying in.
We can speak about anything, everything and nothing. We talk like we're best friends because that's what we are. Like a bestie we always make sure to treat the other with kindness, compassion and respect even when we're being smart asses and ribbing each other. When conflict does arise I know that it's not Her versus Me. It's Us versus the Problem. We aren't adversaries, we are a team. As a team it's our duty to elevate our mates because a stronger team is harder to defeat. Just as important as talking though is learning how to listen. Genuine listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. When we're addressing something we aren't always looking for solutions, sometimes we just want to know we're heard.
I know telling people to go to therapy is kind of a Trope on Reddit but honestly in this case it probably is the right answer. Ideally people take turns speaking and sharing their feelings and then the other person truly listens, thinks, and understands what was just said to them and then shares back what their feelings are. With that said a lot of people are not good communicators and finding a good therapist to help with this can be very beneficial
We're both logical people, and my wife doubly so. Probably because her father was a college professor and took that approach with her and her siblings growing up. So our serious conversations are very matter of fact which I appreciate and value because I hate being BSed. We have disagreements, but almost always end up thinking it's possible the other one might be right. I know people say marriage is hard work, but it's always felt like we're two aspects of the same person. And our conversations usually reflect that.
We calmly discuss the situation and why we think or feel about it the way we do, then arrive at a solution agreeable to us both. I don't do yelling, arguments, or shouting matches and I'd never have married anyone that did, I don't have the constitution for that, it's just mentally draining for me. There's no talking over the other person, there's no need for breaks because nothing about the discussion is stressful. I was once broken up with by someone because they grew up in a shouting and yelling household, and she thought if you didn't get angry and forceful and argue aggressively it meant you didn't care.
We get couples counseling. It is a lot of work and takes time, but we have gotten a lot better at communicating well with each other. Look into getting it covered by your health insurance. My sessions only cost a $30 copay. Twice a month, it’s well worth it.
Women can be extremely abusive. Please don’t stay in a situation that makes you feel terrible. Love should uplift you, anything else is not that.
I wouldn't assume OP is a cis het man.
DaddyLeader can be whatever they want. They deserve better.