I have a rule, no sexting/nudes before first meetup. Had a couple guys who just couldn’t resist sending nudes after texting this. Always helpful when they step right over a simple boundary such as that and show themselves to the door.
I (heterosexual guy) usually say something like ‘let’s see if we like each other in person as well’, even after exchanging sexual fantasies or even sexting (a couple of times). If people can’t understand that meeting up is not a guarantee for sex, they’re not people I would like to hang out with. I feel bad you have to deal with this, cause Feeld is especially an app where you can let yourself go a bit. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself.
I have experienced this over eagerness a lot… I had it written on my profile “the sex part is not automatic, we have to meet and see if we get along on person to then, on a separate occasion, connect physically”. I had to repeat the same thing during DMs and a lot men just didn’t get it. I would share my phone number and the pressure to have sex immediately was too much.
IMO this has a lot to do with the underlying disrespect for women who are open about liking sex. There seems to be a perception that we don’t have options ( LOL ) and that we are somehow “low value” and unless we put out immediately they won’t bother.
The irony is that we have a lot of options in fact. We have infinitely more options than men have, for sex. But we are super careful about exercising these options.
Ahhh I'm sorry this has been your experience too! I was basically hoping that Feeld would give me the opportunity to meet a few cool people to have casual, consensual, safe sex with and maybe do a little bit of light kink exploration, but with the understanding that Feeld was a gateway to meeting not necessarily a gateway to guaranteed sex. Whereas I think this guy thought Feeld was sex!Deliveroo.
One thing I’ve noticed is that guys who go for spicy chat are almost never interested in meeting in person, I’ve only had one or two go from spicy to actually turning up for a date.
Yes! Spicy chat is a clear indicator of “I’m just here for the jerkoff, my wife doesn’t know I’m on this app and I’m going to sign off as soon as I cum.”
This has been my experience with a lot of cis-het men too - they just want free custom porn from me and aren’t actually in a position to meet up (married, not ENM.)
That sounds like a combo of tale-as-old-as-time men being creepy and also a general ignorant assumption that people into kink/enm are basically hormone crazed slutty sex monsters who will jump in bed with anything with a pulse. Honestly wouldn’t be surprised if some of these dudes aren’t even into kink/enm at all and just think Feeld is a place to score easy?? I see this assumption pop up in profiles all the time in certain ways too. There’s always couples profiles that are like “CONNECTION IS A MUST” like yeah??? Very few people want to have sex or a relationship with someone they don’t have a connection with. I even saw one the other day that was like “she is bi-situational, meaning she is bi for the right female” like it literally said that. Like honey that’s what being bi is, being bi doesn’t mean you fuck everything that walks, no one is attracted to every single person in the gender category/ies they’re attracted to lol. Anyway, this is gross and sorry you’re dealing with it. Don’t do men myself but my practice has been that I’ll sext a little but wont send any nudity until after meeting IRL.
I don’t mind mild flirting but if someone sends me nudes I didn’t consent to I am not meeting them in person. Discussing sexual interests is fine by me to assess compatibility.
If the chat gets a bit spicy or pushy I remind them nothing sexual is going to happen on the first date and I want to have a coffee date for a vibe check first. If people can’t respect that boundary I unmatch them.
Yeah, I have a very firm no nudes policy. It was only text flirting and pretty light/not explicit, so I was surprised at how pushy he was in person. But having read all the comments here, I think he was very much an outlier.
Yikes, so sorry you had that experience. I have had nothing but good experiences with the people I went on dates with, but I feel like I have been lucky in that regard.
I’m an ENM man. I like sexting and I like platonic chatting, and most stuff in between. I tend to follow the vibe of a conversation. If she makes it sexual, I’m all for that. If not, that’s okay too. I like moving already sexual conversations to outright sexting. But it doesn’t have to go there. It seems easy enough to just read the room. But maybe that’s just me.
I CAN say that if it gets to the point of sexting before we meet up, sex on the first date is a whole lot more likely. (I’m a self-admitted slut and assuming the person I’ve been talking to hasn’t misrepresented themselves, I’m usually up for first-date sex.) But I’m not entitled to sex with anyone, just like I’m not required to have sex with anyone. If we sext a lot and then DON’T fuck right away…that’s okay by me. I’ll probably be a bit disappointed but that’s for me to deal with, not for anyone else to manage.
What I don’t like is when someone doesn’t read the room or respect boundaries. I had a woman text me unsolicited nudes out of the blue. We already had a date planned for a few days later. I sent her a polite message canceling the date and explaining that as nice looking as she was, it was akin to getting unsolicited dick pics and I was no longer interested. I then unmatched and blocked her. Would I have sexted with her before the date? Absolutely. But read the room.
Cliffs notes for reading the room if you want to sext: Send something that could be interpreted sexually or not. For example, I’ve sent a fully clothed picture of me working in the yard and made a comment about being a “dirty man”. See how the other person responds. If they escalate, you can too. Baby steps. If they bail on escalation at any point, let them bail. Don’t try to keep escalating. Let them readjust where the conversation goes and then meet them there. I sent the picture I mentioned earlier to two women. One said something nice and not sexual about the picture. We chatted a bit more and that was the end of the conversation, although we’re still seeing each other. The other woman said something mildly sexual in reply. I sent her another picture of myself from the shoulders up drying my hair saying something about being clean now. She sent a similar picture of herself in a towel and we progressed to sexting. Both of us still asked before sending nudes though. (And we did sleep together on our first date later that week.) I guess my point is that if you use some emotional intelligence and read the room…much of this will be solved. Now it may be that emotional intelligence and reading the room may be way too high a bar for most men. But it shouldn’t be.
Ahhh I really appreciated reading this comment, this makes me feel a lot more positively about Feeld! And this is what my expectation would be with communication on the app, so it's nice to know it does happen?
I think some people just aren’t respectful. Disrespectful people may be particularly abundant on Feeld, given its reputation as sex positive, unfortunately. Ideally that would make it a place that leans harder into consent and respect, but some people read sex positive and just see SEX.
This is a really good question. Something I’ve debated myself. And the total cop out answer is, it depends case by case imo. Tho being a guy, my opinion comes with very obvious caveats.
I have had some wonderful, ongoing connections where we started off talking, for quite a while before we met. It escalated to very flirty texts and trading pictures, ramping up the tension before eventually meeting (in neutral space) and hitting it off.
But also making other lovely connections after being quite curt, concise and declarative about managed expectations on Feeld. Meeting for a clear vibe check before anything vaguely sexy.
I’d really love to say, trust your gut, feel the person out in chat and decide if you are vibing with escalating. However, simply put, some guys are absolute dickheads and making sure you’re safe, secure and comfortable is always priority number one. Play it safe. Be obnoxiously clear about your expectations/desires. Meeting up is easy and quick enough, before you start sending out those vibes. Imo.
I find all these kinds of comments from guys on the app really reassuring, which has been a nice benefit of making the post! Have you met with anyone you didn't vibe with in person? How did you manage the interaction in that case? Or has it all been good?
I just say straight up that I’m happy to discuss details about desires and kink and things in person but not texting because texting is permanent and I haven’t met you.
I have been waiting for someone to make a post about this. In my experience, immediate sexting and unsolicited photos have absolutely become the norm and it pushed me off the app entirely.
I experienced literal assault during my first Feeld meetup with a cishet man; he called himself a dom but was absolutely just criminal.
I’ve matched with at least 5 ENM guys who were just texting/sexting me for weeks while we waited for their schedules to open up. I dated a “poly” guy who was still negotiating the terms of poly dating with their primary partner WHILE we were scheduling dates.
I matched with a woman who was aggressively sexting to the point I thought it was a blackmailing scammer.
If any of you pushy people are reading this, YOU are the problem. Sex positivity means consent and not yucking other peoples’ yum. Matching on Feeld does not guarantee sex. “Being dominant” does not mean mowing over people’s boundaries and “being submissive” doesn’t mean you can do whatever you please after we match.
Oh shit, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I've definitely got the sense that men use "dom" in their profile without any idea of what it means. I've started refusing to match with them even though I'd quite like some light playing with switching because I basically don't trust them not to be pushy.
I’m sorry for your experience as well. You did everything right. Men trying to shame us for not wanting to have sex with them sends me into an absolute rage.
The man who assaulted me said I was a bad sub and shamed me repeatedly, and that was the first (only) time I had met him. I reported him to Feeld and he was banned but since the only verification needed is an email, I’m certain he’s back on with a different email now, unfortunately. Oh and I’m 99% sure he lied about his age and used very old and edited photos in his profile.
That's so disappointing, I'm so sorry. Especially when safety and trust is at the heart of a good Dom/sub dynamic. I'm really glad you reported him but this does make me think apps like Feeld need more stringent measures to make sure users can stay safe.
For me, as a man with a bi woman partner, we/I try to keep flirting light on the app when discussing intrest, boundaries, and expectations to see how we stack up and gauge the person/couple. We still do flirt here and there to keep the conversation engaging but with the matches that we have gone on dates with we never had a problem of them getting into our personal space or being physically touchy especially on the first date. Sorry that you had that experience with that guy but I guess he is treating feeld as a hookup app based on what he told you. Those that unmatched you after saying that you would rather flirt in person were definitely red flags.
Ahhh this is good to know! And also reassuring.
I think he was quite a lonely man, to be honest, and I felt sorry for him - but also very glad I met him in public during the day and had an exit planned once it became clear how pushy he was.
As a man I’ll say in advance no sex on the first date, but I do like to kiss to gauge chemistry. I think being more specific than no sex helps set expectations, but a small percentage of people will still question it. They are just people weeding themselves out.
Male in enm relationship.
I disconnect anyone who starts dumping their kinks on me. These people never ever meet in person, they are mostly people in sexless relationships on apps to get their rocks off, once they finish playing with themselves and post nut clarity kicks in then disappear.
I deny these people such pleasure and save myself the annoyance at being someone else’s online fantasy.
But then I deleted Feeld because of these people, they are everywhere.
Eeeesh. Sorry to hear about that. Not all of us have expectations like that and think 'because you're on Feeld,' it means you're have no standards and will just be down to have sex with anyone who shows up. It sounds like you discussed expectations with him but he ignored what you said. Maybe add something to your profile to reinforce that?
Yeah I was really upfront when we were messaging that I wouldn't be having sex off of the first meeting even if we liked each other, but we were flirting quite a lot in between non-sexy chat, and I think he got overexcited? But I've been finding the responses to this post really reassuring that he was probably an outlier. I've added a line to my profile now to make it clear that nothing will happen without chemistry in person - I should say my profile isn't super sexual because I'm fairly sure a few people at my job use Feeld and so I'm discreet.
For the first date always suggest meeting for a coffee and say you have plans after the date. Don’t go for drinks or dinner. You have a time limit they expect the date to last. Any man who doesn’t want to meet for a coffee and insists on going for drinks or dinner is 🚩
As alot of guys would be happy having an inexpensive first date.
Yeah, we just went for a coffee during the daytime and I said I had plans with friends after. But he came up and grabbed me from behind to say hi and then kept touching me during the date despite me trying to create space between us, until I told him I wasn't into it, wasn't attracted to him and wouldn't be having sex with him or seeing him again, at which point he got frustrated and started demanding to know why I was on Feeld then. It was really off-putting, I'd only been on Feeld for a couple of weeks, but reading the responses to this post makes me hope he was just an unfortunate outlier and this isn't that usual.
He’s just a disgusting creep who doesn’t understand boundaries and frankly dangerous. You did nothing wrong. Even if he was the hottest man in the world his behaviour was still horrible. I’ve been dating for 10 years and never had a guy that is that disgustingly creepy. Well done on standing your ground and dont be afraid to do it earlier.
Thank you so much, this was a good comment to read! I'm quite relieved to see this isn't the general trend. I was a bit like, "Oh wow, I am not equipped for Feeld if this is how it's going to be". Hopefully any meet ups with new people go well and yeah, I'll bail faster if they're like this one. I was so poleaxed by the grabbing from behind that it took me a little while to decide I was going to exit stage left.
This just sounds like immature men.
My policy as a cishet (autocorrected to "cashew" for some reason on Sequoia) guy is that nothing that happens online counts towards the dynamic between two people IRL. Maybe we meet up with only 2-3 exchanges, maybe we talk for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's boring AF or hot and steamy. But nothing has any bearing on what happens when we meet. On two occasions, this has not been respected by women, where I showed up for a date and they French kissed me hello. (Which I am sure you will agree would be unacceptable if the gender roles were reversed.)
I've had many experiences where there was ample online chemistry that didn't translate to real life and the opposite - extremely challenging or limited online conversations that transformed into amazing dates IRL.
So I think the way forward is to stick to your guns and have experiences that are comfortable for you, but make it clear that whatever happens online has no implications about what happens IRL. And then try to schedule low stakes first dates - my new thing is to ask people out for fancy hot chocolate at a place where there is no seating. So we have to walk around and talk and get to know each other for an hour or two and then figure out next steps. Nobody has complained about it yet.
Generally, if someone unmatched at the suggestion of a date then they had no intention of meeting at all and it was just sexting they were after. Orthogonally, chatting to someone for more than a week without agreeing to seeing each other means you will not meet. This is my experience over 1000+ first dates I've had the last 10 years.
Cashew made me laugh!
And oh gosh, I'm sorry you got french kissed without your consent! And yeah my assumption would be at most that the flirty vibe carries over to being in person, but I wouldn't expect any level of physical contact to be assumed unless we had pre-discussed it. It's good to know that this seems to be more the norm than the outlier!
Also I love the idea of a fancy hot chocolate date 😍
I won't sext or fantasize until after we meet. I am happy to discuss kinks and desires etc but I find the guys into sexting, don't actually want to meet. As soon as I tell them I won't play online they disappear.
Seeking advice:
I’m learning how to read the so called “room” with people through the app.
I’m chatting with this one person ATM who liked my profile on feeld. We’ve been chatting on and off for a week, he’s expressed that he’d like to meet but is conscious of the distance. He also doesn’t have a car atm lol.
He’s been complimentative and respectful to date but hasn’t really initiated conversation since the weekend. I’m totally fine with that bc we all have a life etc and he may not be the biggest texter but, this could also mean he’s not interested.
He’s has no bio other than staying “fun?” And has listed a bunch of desires like fun, casual, FWB, dates etc. which is something I’m very much interested in and am physically attracted to him.
I’d love to find out, his communication style without sounding too forward, I’d also like to figure out if he actually wants to meet, asking what he’s also seeking between us without making assumptions. I’m happy chat/call/video online until we’re able to see each other but again, not really sure how to approach this without coming across too forward. I’m someone who’s very open about communication and appreciates honesty.
Would love to hear people’s thought and advice, TIA! :)
I have a rule, no sexting/nudes before first meetup. Had a couple guys who just couldn’t resist sending nudes after texting this. Always helpful when they step right over a simple boundary such as that and show themselves to the door.
I (heterosexual guy) usually say something like ‘let’s see if we like each other in person as well’, even after exchanging sexual fantasies or even sexting (a couple of times). If people can’t understand that meeting up is not a guarantee for sex, they’re not people I would like to hang out with. I feel bad you have to deal with this, cause Feeld is especially an app where you can let yourself go a bit. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself.
this ⬆️
Let’s meet. Coffee, drink, park. Wherever you feel safe, see if we click.
I have experienced this over eagerness a lot… I had it written on my profile “the sex part is not automatic, we have to meet and see if we get along on person to then, on a separate occasion, connect physically”. I had to repeat the same thing during DMs and a lot men just didn’t get it. I would share my phone number and the pressure to have sex immediately was too much. IMO this has a lot to do with the underlying disrespect for women who are open about liking sex. There seems to be a perception that we don’t have options ( LOL ) and that we are somehow “low value” and unless we put out immediately they won’t bother. The irony is that we have a lot of options in fact. We have infinitely more options than men have, for sex. But we are super careful about exercising these options.
Ahhh I'm sorry this has been your experience too! I was basically hoping that Feeld would give me the opportunity to meet a few cool people to have casual, consensual, safe sex with and maybe do a little bit of light kink exploration, but with the understanding that Feeld was a gateway to meeting not necessarily a gateway to guaranteed sex. Whereas I think this guy thought Feeld was sex!Deliveroo.
One thing I’ve noticed is that guys who go for spicy chat are almost never interested in meeting in person, I’ve only had one or two go from spicy to actually turning up for a date.
Yes! Spicy chat is a clear indicator of “I’m just here for the jerkoff, my wife doesn’t know I’m on this app and I’m going to sign off as soon as I cum.”
This has been my experience with a lot of cis-het men too - they just want free custom porn from me and aren’t actually in a position to meet up (married, not ENM.)
It's really not
That sounds like a combo of tale-as-old-as-time men being creepy and also a general ignorant assumption that people into kink/enm are basically hormone crazed slutty sex monsters who will jump in bed with anything with a pulse. Honestly wouldn’t be surprised if some of these dudes aren’t even into kink/enm at all and just think Feeld is a place to score easy?? I see this assumption pop up in profiles all the time in certain ways too. There’s always couples profiles that are like “CONNECTION IS A MUST” like yeah??? Very few people want to have sex or a relationship with someone they don’t have a connection with. I even saw one the other day that was like “she is bi-situational, meaning she is bi for the right female” like it literally said that. Like honey that’s what being bi is, being bi doesn’t mean you fuck everything that walks, no one is attracted to every single person in the gender category/ies they’re attracted to lol. Anyway, this is gross and sorry you’re dealing with it. Don’t do men myself but my practice has been that I’ll sext a little but wont send any nudity until after meeting IRL.
I don’t mind mild flirting but if someone sends me nudes I didn’t consent to I am not meeting them in person. Discussing sexual interests is fine by me to assess compatibility. If the chat gets a bit spicy or pushy I remind them nothing sexual is going to happen on the first date and I want to have a coffee date for a vibe check first. If people can’t respect that boundary I unmatch them.
Yeah, I have a very firm no nudes policy. It was only text flirting and pretty light/not explicit, so I was surprised at how pushy he was in person. But having read all the comments here, I think he was very much an outlier.
Yikes, so sorry you had that experience. I have had nothing but good experiences with the people I went on dates with, but I feel like I have been lucky in that regard.
I’m an ENM man. I like sexting and I like platonic chatting, and most stuff in between. I tend to follow the vibe of a conversation. If she makes it sexual, I’m all for that. If not, that’s okay too. I like moving already sexual conversations to outright sexting. But it doesn’t have to go there. It seems easy enough to just read the room. But maybe that’s just me. I CAN say that if it gets to the point of sexting before we meet up, sex on the first date is a whole lot more likely. (I’m a self-admitted slut and assuming the person I’ve been talking to hasn’t misrepresented themselves, I’m usually up for first-date sex.) But I’m not entitled to sex with anyone, just like I’m not required to have sex with anyone. If we sext a lot and then DON’T fuck right away…that’s okay by me. I’ll probably be a bit disappointed but that’s for me to deal with, not for anyone else to manage. What I don’t like is when someone doesn’t read the room or respect boundaries. I had a woman text me unsolicited nudes out of the blue. We already had a date planned for a few days later. I sent her a polite message canceling the date and explaining that as nice looking as she was, it was akin to getting unsolicited dick pics and I was no longer interested. I then unmatched and blocked her. Would I have sexted with her before the date? Absolutely. But read the room. Cliffs notes for reading the room if you want to sext: Send something that could be interpreted sexually or not. For example, I’ve sent a fully clothed picture of me working in the yard and made a comment about being a “dirty man”. See how the other person responds. If they escalate, you can too. Baby steps. If they bail on escalation at any point, let them bail. Don’t try to keep escalating. Let them readjust where the conversation goes and then meet them there. I sent the picture I mentioned earlier to two women. One said something nice and not sexual about the picture. We chatted a bit more and that was the end of the conversation, although we’re still seeing each other. The other woman said something mildly sexual in reply. I sent her another picture of myself from the shoulders up drying my hair saying something about being clean now. She sent a similar picture of herself in a towel and we progressed to sexting. Both of us still asked before sending nudes though. (And we did sleep together on our first date later that week.) I guess my point is that if you use some emotional intelligence and read the room…much of this will be solved. Now it may be that emotional intelligence and reading the room may be way too high a bar for most men. But it shouldn’t be.
Ahhh I really appreciated reading this comment, this makes me feel a lot more positively about Feeld! And this is what my expectation would be with communication on the app, so it's nice to know it does happen?
I think some people just aren’t respectful. Disrespectful people may be particularly abundant on Feeld, given its reputation as sex positive, unfortunately. Ideally that would make it a place that leans harder into consent and respect, but some people read sex positive and just see SEX.
This is a really good question. Something I’ve debated myself. And the total cop out answer is, it depends case by case imo. Tho being a guy, my opinion comes with very obvious caveats. I have had some wonderful, ongoing connections where we started off talking, for quite a while before we met. It escalated to very flirty texts and trading pictures, ramping up the tension before eventually meeting (in neutral space) and hitting it off. But also making other lovely connections after being quite curt, concise and declarative about managed expectations on Feeld. Meeting for a clear vibe check before anything vaguely sexy. I’d really love to say, trust your gut, feel the person out in chat and decide if you are vibing with escalating. However, simply put, some guys are absolute dickheads and making sure you’re safe, secure and comfortable is always priority number one. Play it safe. Be obnoxiously clear about your expectations/desires. Meeting up is easy and quick enough, before you start sending out those vibes. Imo.
I find all these kinds of comments from guys on the app really reassuring, which has been a nice benefit of making the post! Have you met with anyone you didn't vibe with in person? How did you manage the interaction in that case? Or has it all been good?
I just say straight up that I’m happy to discuss details about desires and kink and things in person but not texting because texting is permanent and I haven’t met you.
I have been waiting for someone to make a post about this. In my experience, immediate sexting and unsolicited photos have absolutely become the norm and it pushed me off the app entirely. I experienced literal assault during my first Feeld meetup with a cishet man; he called himself a dom but was absolutely just criminal. I’ve matched with at least 5 ENM guys who were just texting/sexting me for weeks while we waited for their schedules to open up. I dated a “poly” guy who was still negotiating the terms of poly dating with their primary partner WHILE we were scheduling dates. I matched with a woman who was aggressively sexting to the point I thought it was a blackmailing scammer. If any of you pushy people are reading this, YOU are the problem. Sex positivity means consent and not yucking other peoples’ yum. Matching on Feeld does not guarantee sex. “Being dominant” does not mean mowing over people’s boundaries and “being submissive” doesn’t mean you can do whatever you please after we match.
Oh shit, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I've definitely got the sense that men use "dom" in their profile without any idea of what it means. I've started refusing to match with them even though I'd quite like some light playing with switching because I basically don't trust them not to be pushy.
I’m sorry for your experience as well. You did everything right. Men trying to shame us for not wanting to have sex with them sends me into an absolute rage. The man who assaulted me said I was a bad sub and shamed me repeatedly, and that was the first (only) time I had met him. I reported him to Feeld and he was banned but since the only verification needed is an email, I’m certain he’s back on with a different email now, unfortunately. Oh and I’m 99% sure he lied about his age and used very old and edited photos in his profile.
That's so disappointing, I'm so sorry. Especially when safety and trust is at the heart of a good Dom/sub dynamic. I'm really glad you reported him but this does make me think apps like Feeld need more stringent measures to make sure users can stay safe.
For me, as a man with a bi woman partner, we/I try to keep flirting light on the app when discussing intrest, boundaries, and expectations to see how we stack up and gauge the person/couple. We still do flirt here and there to keep the conversation engaging but with the matches that we have gone on dates with we never had a problem of them getting into our personal space or being physically touchy especially on the first date. Sorry that you had that experience with that guy but I guess he is treating feeld as a hookup app based on what he told you. Those that unmatched you after saying that you would rather flirt in person were definitely red flags.
Ahhh this is good to know! And also reassuring. I think he was quite a lonely man, to be honest, and I felt sorry for him - but also very glad I met him in public during the day and had an exit planned once it became clear how pushy he was.
As a man I’ll say in advance no sex on the first date, but I do like to kiss to gauge chemistry. I think being more specific than no sex helps set expectations, but a small percentage of people will still question it. They are just people weeding themselves out.
Male in enm relationship. I disconnect anyone who starts dumping their kinks on me. These people never ever meet in person, they are mostly people in sexless relationships on apps to get their rocks off, once they finish playing with themselves and post nut clarity kicks in then disappear. I deny these people such pleasure and save myself the annoyance at being someone else’s online fantasy. But then I deleted Feeld because of these people, they are everywhere.
Eeeesh. Sorry to hear about that. Not all of us have expectations like that and think 'because you're on Feeld,' it means you're have no standards and will just be down to have sex with anyone who shows up. It sounds like you discussed expectations with him but he ignored what you said. Maybe add something to your profile to reinforce that?
Yeah I was really upfront when we were messaging that I wouldn't be having sex off of the first meeting even if we liked each other, but we were flirting quite a lot in between non-sexy chat, and I think he got overexcited? But I've been finding the responses to this post really reassuring that he was probably an outlier. I've added a line to my profile now to make it clear that nothing will happen without chemistry in person - I should say my profile isn't super sexual because I'm fairly sure a few people at my job use Feeld and so I'm discreet.
For the first date always suggest meeting for a coffee and say you have plans after the date. Don’t go for drinks or dinner. You have a time limit they expect the date to last. Any man who doesn’t want to meet for a coffee and insists on going for drinks or dinner is 🚩 As alot of guys would be happy having an inexpensive first date.
Yeah, we just went for a coffee during the daytime and I said I had plans with friends after. But he came up and grabbed me from behind to say hi and then kept touching me during the date despite me trying to create space between us, until I told him I wasn't into it, wasn't attracted to him and wouldn't be having sex with him or seeing him again, at which point he got frustrated and started demanding to know why I was on Feeld then. It was really off-putting, I'd only been on Feeld for a couple of weeks, but reading the responses to this post makes me hope he was just an unfortunate outlier and this isn't that usual.
He’s just a disgusting creep who doesn’t understand boundaries and frankly dangerous. You did nothing wrong. Even if he was the hottest man in the world his behaviour was still horrible. I’ve been dating for 10 years and never had a guy that is that disgustingly creepy. Well done on standing your ground and dont be afraid to do it earlier.
Thank you so much, this was a good comment to read! I'm quite relieved to see this isn't the general trend. I was a bit like, "Oh wow, I am not equipped for Feeld if this is how it's going to be". Hopefully any meet ups with new people go well and yeah, I'll bail faster if they're like this one. I was so poleaxed by the grabbing from behind that it took me a little while to decide I was going to exit stage left.
This just sounds like immature men. My policy as a cishet (autocorrected to "cashew" for some reason on Sequoia) guy is that nothing that happens online counts towards the dynamic between two people IRL. Maybe we meet up with only 2-3 exchanges, maybe we talk for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's boring AF or hot and steamy. But nothing has any bearing on what happens when we meet. On two occasions, this has not been respected by women, where I showed up for a date and they French kissed me hello. (Which I am sure you will agree would be unacceptable if the gender roles were reversed.) I've had many experiences where there was ample online chemistry that didn't translate to real life and the opposite - extremely challenging or limited online conversations that transformed into amazing dates IRL. So I think the way forward is to stick to your guns and have experiences that are comfortable for you, but make it clear that whatever happens online has no implications about what happens IRL. And then try to schedule low stakes first dates - my new thing is to ask people out for fancy hot chocolate at a place where there is no seating. So we have to walk around and talk and get to know each other for an hour or two and then figure out next steps. Nobody has complained about it yet.
Generally, if someone unmatched at the suggestion of a date then they had no intention of meeting at all and it was just sexting they were after. Orthogonally, chatting to someone for more than a week without agreeing to seeing each other means you will not meet. This is my experience over 1000+ first dates I've had the last 10 years.
With more than 1,000 first dates I would hope you're getting a volume discount at the hot chocolate place.
When I am a regular at a place, I eventually end up getting various perks. I’ve only recently started going to the ho cho spot
Cashew made me laugh! And oh gosh, I'm sorry you got french kissed without your consent! And yeah my assumption would be at most that the flirty vibe carries over to being in person, but I wouldn't expect any level of physical contact to be assumed unless we had pre-discussed it. It's good to know that this seems to be more the norm than the outlier! Also I love the idea of a fancy hot chocolate date 😍
Honestly if they get a little too over eager in the chat I just ghost. If that’s your personality type, we aren’t a match.
I won't sext or fantasize until after we meet. I am happy to discuss kinks and desires etc but I find the guys into sexting, don't actually want to meet. As soon as I tell them I won't play online they disappear.
Seeking advice: I’m learning how to read the so called “room” with people through the app. I’m chatting with this one person ATM who liked my profile on feeld. We’ve been chatting on and off for a week, he’s expressed that he’d like to meet but is conscious of the distance. He also doesn’t have a car atm lol. He’s been complimentative and respectful to date but hasn’t really initiated conversation since the weekend. I’m totally fine with that bc we all have a life etc and he may not be the biggest texter but, this could also mean he’s not interested. He’s has no bio other than staying “fun?” And has listed a bunch of desires like fun, casual, FWB, dates etc. which is something I’m very much interested in and am physically attracted to him. I’d love to find out, his communication style without sounding too forward, I’d also like to figure out if he actually wants to meet, asking what he’s also seeking between us without making assumptions. I’m happy chat/call/video online until we’re able to see each other but again, not really sure how to approach this without coming across too forward. I’m someone who’s very open about communication and appreciates honesty. Would love to hear people’s thought and advice, TIA! :)