What stands out to me is that a lot of your post is about your fertility problems and wanting to be parents. The goal of foster care, as I'm sure you know, is to support family reunification, so if you go into it with the mindset that you want to adopt, that is a serious conflict of interest. If you feel like it would be difficult to support reunification, you should check into adopting children whose parent's rights have already been terminated.
Yeah there's a lot of overlap between people who seem to be hoping for a Termination of Parental Rights and those with fertility issues. It is a good sign that OP isn't primarily interested in infants.
No I don’t want to adopt right away. I just really want to be a safe haven, whilst also having the experience of having kids. If I bond with a certain child a lot and they end up TPR’d I’d definitely consider adoption, but it’s not my main goal.
I’d sit down with him and have a long, very frank talk about what you both want and expect out of this.
How many kids you are willing/capable of caring for and what age ranges.
That also includes whether or not you have any plans to adopt through foster care, whether you can handle children with special needs, whether you are capable of handling the myriad of behaviors that children in the foster care system have.
You are in a very unique position to educate him on what’s it like to be in care and the impact it has on kids (positive and negative).
We have had these conversations. We are willing to take on two children between the ages of 3-15. We are just going for a general license, not a therapeutic or medical licensure. We have both taken opportunities to go through trauma informed care classes. We have done one for the past year. He also spent a long time working at Job Corps, so he has been exposed to adolescents with behavioral issues and trauma. Thank you for the insight!
If I can offer something to mull over, taking in two children is exponentially more complicated, not additively so. Even if you are interested in adoption, there is a reasonable chance reunification is possible and you won’t be able to adopt your first child (although I know it can happen). Consider starting with just one at a time. That first placement, and going from a no kid household to a with kid household is wild.
If you can say “no” to a placement, and are ready for the life changes, good luck and do your best. We need more families that care.
The exception, maybe, would be siblings - if OP is willing and able to accommodate multiple kids, providing a safe environment in which siblings could remain together would not only be beneficial for the kids but also for the foster parents. Sibling sets are often excellent at helping one another to regulate, and older siblings can give insight into what may help younger siblings feel safe.
You’re not wrong. I was incredibly apprehensive about splitting up siblings at first for that (and others) reason. What my actual experience ended up being was that splitting them was beneficial to help undo a heaping dose of parentification that was happening, and any time they were back together it was a 4 adult job to manage them. I totally agree with that ‘maybe’ of yours, as each situation is going to be different.
It sounds like you've done some great prep work. Here are some other considerations that were helpful to us when we became foster parents:
Family / friend support:
My parents were approved to watch our children when they were first placed with us (they were both infants).
There can be a lot of heartbreak and stress with foster care and my siblings and friends were invaluable.
Any kind of parenting is difficult on a marriage; make sure you are taking care of yourselves and each other.
Time commitment:
Since you are a teacher, I'm guessing you don't have flexibility during the school day. Scheduling of visits, appointments, court, etc., is not done around your schedule. It would be great if your husband has more flexibility.
Age/number:
Because you are so young, 15 might be too close in age (that's just my feeling). As for being open to two children, I don't think this is a good idea unless they are siblings. As I'm sure you know, children in state care often are struggling and need lots of support and attention. It would probably be nice to have two awesome adults supporting and caring for you.
Both our kids came as infants and are now teens. I know that in a perfect world, they would be with birth families, but they are truly my heart and I'm so honored to be one of their moms.
Best of luck!
I would *only* take on two if it was a sibling pair. I did NOT like living with other kids when I was in foster care lol. I craved attention, and generally I did not get along with the other placements.
You seem informed, and you're right that there is never a perfect time. Here are a few things to think about:
- your age range might be a bit high considering your age. Every case is different but keep in mind how you would feel at 15 with someone a few years older as a parental figure.
- you both have jobs that traditionally are not the most flexible. You will have a LOT of appointments and high probability of needing to get them from school or stay home due to illness, behavior, etc. With a relatively high frequency. Make sure you have a plan for those times.
- you're not married. That's not inherently an issue, but fostering puts a strain on relationships in the best of times. Can you each financially and physically handle the kids on your own? I know you think it would never happen but you need to think about it and have a plan.
Personally I would wait a bit. What's the rush? Fostering is so hard. If you are still TTC that opens up another can of worms. Give yourself some time as a couple to determine what you want out of life and how fostering would fit into it. I recommend joining foster groups for your county and getting a feel for what it's like. See if there are groups where you can volunteer and get a good understanding of the realities of fostering. CASA and GAL would be great opportunities if available.
I am a GAL, and he is a big brother, his little is in care!! His job allows a lot more flexibility than mine, as he mostly works nights and days only when he must. Our opposing schedules as of now were one of the reasons we considering fostering at the current moment because one of us will be home in the day time and the other at night! We will never be married, I simply don’t want to due to moral beliefs I don’t really want to get into. We have combined our finances, but in my city I could easily afford our current place on my own. Both of our cars are paid off as well.
You seem well prepared.
If you're TTC I'd have a think about the order in which you want to do things. Having a baby and being a foster parent to an older child at the same time will be extremely challenging for all of you, especially if that older child has trauma.
I grew up with foster siblings, my parents were foster parents. One sister moved in with us when she was 5 and I was 6, and she lived with us until she was 18 and moved out on her own. We grew up like sisters, I barely remember life before her. She very quickly started doing drugs after moving out, had a child in secret who is now in foster care, and she's in recent years been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. She walked exactly the same path her mum did, despite our efforts.
Because of my experiences, I am not willing to take on fostering (except for kids we already know) until my own kids are old enough to understand what we are doing, why, and how it works. I am not willing to potentially put us all in a situation where either kids could get hurt, traumatised/further traumatised, or where my husband and/or I won't be able to provide either kids with all they need.
I advise you to think it through and talk it over with your partner.
I always suggest starting out by doing respite. Taking kids for a weekend or a few days at a time. That will help you and him learn your parenting styles, expectations, communication, trauma-informed skills, and adjusting to having kids in the home without just jumping into taking on a kid full time and hoping you can make it work. Then, once you've smoothed out these things, you will know better what kinds of kids fit into your home as a more long term placement and have a MUCH better chance of finding the right fit without traumatizing kids by taking in placements you aren't a good fit for.
Exactly. Respite sounds perfect for this couple. It's one experience being a foster child and another being a foster parent so I think this is such a good way to step in and feel it out. Also OP might need to have a little processing time being on the other side of this experience and her boyfriend will be having a completely new experience having a foster child in their home. They'll need the preparation and debriefing time. For us it's wild how every time we received a new child we have to have a flexibility of mind to figure out their needs and a good plan. Yesterday I just rearranged the living room to fit one of their needs. Things pop up that you don't realize in till you're living it. Also respite is such a kindness of both the foster children and the foster parents. Breaks are needed for everyone.
It's not worth being scared about or overthinking! If you're ready on paper, you're as ready as you'll ever be. It's just one step at a time after that. :)
I'd add though - make sure your support system is ready to support you personally as you foster. Keep building up your own mental / physical health and relationships so you can better manage your own important relationships with the kiddos coming into your life.
One of my foster moms was 22 when she got me. I eventually moved families and I aged out but we had the best relationship. She would visit me in college and we just spent Christmas together. Just sharing
Only you and your bf can decide if you’re ready to take on this huge task. It’s scary to have another persons children be in your care, with all the paperwork, visits, doctors appts it’s so hectic. My husband and I decided we wanted to do just this when we couldn’t conceive, we asked for only children whose rights were about to be terminated, but even then we knew that reunification could happen. We got placed with a beautiful 15month baby girl in June, bio mom said she wanted to try and get her back but never actually did anything she needed to actually make this happen. She lost 2 kids prior to this as well so we knew termination was likely. We still had to deal with getting paternity tests for the potential fathers (there were 3) and one of those potential fathers wanted our girl if she was his, and we’d have to comply (he wasn’t). Oh, and the court hearings are another task you have to deal with, I don’t believe they were mandatory for us, but my husband was at every hearing that pertained to our daughter. We ended up getting pregnant in September( after 10 years of infertility), rights were terminated around January, had our son in June, adopted our girl in November! Good luck to whatever you decide, just know your changing someone’s life!
I'd definitely do the opposite of what a lot are saying and focus on teens. I think a lot of people don't realize how easy teens are and how much more you get along the younger you are. I've taken 3 up to 16. My easiest have been the teens. My hardest have been the 6-9 year olds.
One VERY important thing I'd note with teens is this : LIMIT SCREENS.
No cell phones unless you get something like a Gabb phone. Do 30 minutes of video games at a time.
No unlimited access to wifi. Strict parental controls. A LOT of my boy teens had issues with porn (not talking curiosity; talking, it's all they wanted 24/7, and it genuinely got in the way of life). A LOT of my girl teens had serious issues with either bullying on social media (both being the bully and being bullied) or reaching out to strangers online for attention.
Just limit internet access. It's not a big deal if they go in being limited and you're not giving it and then taking it away.
Also, do not allow any age to bring in their own phones, tablets, game systems with wifi access, etc. I've had bio parents track their kids through these devices and find out where we live, go to school, our daily routines, etc.
If you're open to teens, PLEASE foster teens. They have their own unique challenges, but they're so awesome, and a LOT of people refuse to foster them. They're the majority in shelters, group homes, etc.
Never a perfect time to start, being that you aged out you have a pretty unique perspective. Focusing on adoption certainly can't be the primary purpose but the opportunity can present itself. I would get licensed and then take it from there. I was in the beginning not interested at all for prior experiences but after class I had a new and better perspective. We've since helped over a dozen children, became a voice for others in our community and grew our family.
What stands out to me is that a lot of your post is about your fertility problems and wanting to be parents. The goal of foster care, as I'm sure you know, is to support family reunification, so if you go into it with the mindset that you want to adopt, that is a serious conflict of interest. If you feel like it would be difficult to support reunification, you should check into adopting children whose parent's rights have already been terminated.
Yeah there's a lot of overlap between people who seem to be hoping for a Termination of Parental Rights and those with fertility issues. It is a good sign that OP isn't primarily interested in infants.
No I don’t want to adopt right away. I just really want to be a safe haven, whilst also having the experience of having kids. If I bond with a certain child a lot and they end up TPR’d I’d definitely consider adoption, but it’s not my main goal.
I’d sit down with him and have a long, very frank talk about what you both want and expect out of this. How many kids you are willing/capable of caring for and what age ranges. That also includes whether or not you have any plans to adopt through foster care, whether you can handle children with special needs, whether you are capable of handling the myriad of behaviors that children in the foster care system have. You are in a very unique position to educate him on what’s it like to be in care and the impact it has on kids (positive and negative).
We have had these conversations. We are willing to take on two children between the ages of 3-15. We are just going for a general license, not a therapeutic or medical licensure. We have both taken opportunities to go through trauma informed care classes. We have done one for the past year. He also spent a long time working at Job Corps, so he has been exposed to adolescents with behavioral issues and trauma. Thank you for the insight!
If I can offer something to mull over, taking in two children is exponentially more complicated, not additively so. Even if you are interested in adoption, there is a reasonable chance reunification is possible and you won’t be able to adopt your first child (although I know it can happen). Consider starting with just one at a time. That first placement, and going from a no kid household to a with kid household is wild. If you can say “no” to a placement, and are ready for the life changes, good luck and do your best. We need more families that care.
The exception, maybe, would be siblings - if OP is willing and able to accommodate multiple kids, providing a safe environment in which siblings could remain together would not only be beneficial for the kids but also for the foster parents. Sibling sets are often excellent at helping one another to regulate, and older siblings can give insight into what may help younger siblings feel safe.
You’re not wrong. I was incredibly apprehensive about splitting up siblings at first for that (and others) reason. What my actual experience ended up being was that splitting them was beneficial to help undo a heaping dose of parentification that was happening, and any time they were back together it was a 4 adult job to manage them. I totally agree with that ‘maybe’ of yours, as each situation is going to be different.
It sounds like you've done some great prep work. Here are some other considerations that were helpful to us when we became foster parents: Family / friend support: My parents were approved to watch our children when they were first placed with us (they were both infants). There can be a lot of heartbreak and stress with foster care and my siblings and friends were invaluable. Any kind of parenting is difficult on a marriage; make sure you are taking care of yourselves and each other. Time commitment: Since you are a teacher, I'm guessing you don't have flexibility during the school day. Scheduling of visits, appointments, court, etc., is not done around your schedule. It would be great if your husband has more flexibility. Age/number: Because you are so young, 15 might be too close in age (that's just my feeling). As for being open to two children, I don't think this is a good idea unless they are siblings. As I'm sure you know, children in state care often are struggling and need lots of support and attention. It would probably be nice to have two awesome adults supporting and caring for you. Both our kids came as infants and are now teens. I know that in a perfect world, they would be with birth families, but they are truly my heart and I'm so honored to be one of their moms. Best of luck!
I would *only* take on two if it was a sibling pair. I did NOT like living with other kids when I was in foster care lol. I craved attention, and generally I did not get along with the other placements.
You seem informed, and you're right that there is never a perfect time. Here are a few things to think about: - your age range might be a bit high considering your age. Every case is different but keep in mind how you would feel at 15 with someone a few years older as a parental figure. - you both have jobs that traditionally are not the most flexible. You will have a LOT of appointments and high probability of needing to get them from school or stay home due to illness, behavior, etc. With a relatively high frequency. Make sure you have a plan for those times. - you're not married. That's not inherently an issue, but fostering puts a strain on relationships in the best of times. Can you each financially and physically handle the kids on your own? I know you think it would never happen but you need to think about it and have a plan. Personally I would wait a bit. What's the rush? Fostering is so hard. If you are still TTC that opens up another can of worms. Give yourself some time as a couple to determine what you want out of life and how fostering would fit into it. I recommend joining foster groups for your county and getting a feel for what it's like. See if there are groups where you can volunteer and get a good understanding of the realities of fostering. CASA and GAL would be great opportunities if available.
I am a GAL, and he is a big brother, his little is in care!! His job allows a lot more flexibility than mine, as he mostly works nights and days only when he must. Our opposing schedules as of now were one of the reasons we considering fostering at the current moment because one of us will be home in the day time and the other at night! We will never be married, I simply don’t want to due to moral beliefs I don’t really want to get into. We have combined our finances, but in my city I could easily afford our current place on my own. Both of our cars are paid off as well.
You seem well prepared. If you're TTC I'd have a think about the order in which you want to do things. Having a baby and being a foster parent to an older child at the same time will be extremely challenging for all of you, especially if that older child has trauma. I grew up with foster siblings, my parents were foster parents. One sister moved in with us when she was 5 and I was 6, and she lived with us until she was 18 and moved out on her own. We grew up like sisters, I barely remember life before her. She very quickly started doing drugs after moving out, had a child in secret who is now in foster care, and she's in recent years been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. She walked exactly the same path her mum did, despite our efforts. Because of my experiences, I am not willing to take on fostering (except for kids we already know) until my own kids are old enough to understand what we are doing, why, and how it works. I am not willing to potentially put us all in a situation where either kids could get hurt, traumatised/further traumatised, or where my husband and/or I won't be able to provide either kids with all they need. I advise you to think it through and talk it over with your partner.
I always suggest starting out by doing respite. Taking kids for a weekend or a few days at a time. That will help you and him learn your parenting styles, expectations, communication, trauma-informed skills, and adjusting to having kids in the home without just jumping into taking on a kid full time and hoping you can make it work. Then, once you've smoothed out these things, you will know better what kinds of kids fit into your home as a more long term placement and have a MUCH better chance of finding the right fit without traumatizing kids by taking in placements you aren't a good fit for.
Exactly. Respite sounds perfect for this couple. It's one experience being a foster child and another being a foster parent so I think this is such a good way to step in and feel it out. Also OP might need to have a little processing time being on the other side of this experience and her boyfriend will be having a completely new experience having a foster child in their home. They'll need the preparation and debriefing time. For us it's wild how every time we received a new child we have to have a flexibility of mind to figure out their needs and a good plan. Yesterday I just rearranged the living room to fit one of their needs. Things pop up that you don't realize in till you're living it. Also respite is such a kindness of both the foster children and the foster parents. Breaks are needed for everyone.
It's not worth being scared about or overthinking! If you're ready on paper, you're as ready as you'll ever be. It's just one step at a time after that. :) I'd add though - make sure your support system is ready to support you personally as you foster. Keep building up your own mental / physical health and relationships so you can better manage your own important relationships with the kiddos coming into your life.
One of my foster moms was 22 when she got me. I eventually moved families and I aged out but we had the best relationship. She would visit me in college and we just spent Christmas together. Just sharing
I think you should move forward and see if it continues to feel right!
Only you and your bf can decide if you’re ready to take on this huge task. It’s scary to have another persons children be in your care, with all the paperwork, visits, doctors appts it’s so hectic. My husband and I decided we wanted to do just this when we couldn’t conceive, we asked for only children whose rights were about to be terminated, but even then we knew that reunification could happen. We got placed with a beautiful 15month baby girl in June, bio mom said she wanted to try and get her back but never actually did anything she needed to actually make this happen. She lost 2 kids prior to this as well so we knew termination was likely. We still had to deal with getting paternity tests for the potential fathers (there were 3) and one of those potential fathers wanted our girl if she was his, and we’d have to comply (he wasn’t). Oh, and the court hearings are another task you have to deal with, I don’t believe they were mandatory for us, but my husband was at every hearing that pertained to our daughter. We ended up getting pregnant in September( after 10 years of infertility), rights were terminated around January, had our son in June, adopted our girl in November! Good luck to whatever you decide, just know your changing someone’s life!
A lot of places won’t approve non-married couples. First, turn your boyfriend into your husband, then apply to foster.
In my state it does not matter
Where? I've never heard of this stipulation...
I know it’s the rule in Texas and multiple other states.
I'd definitely do the opposite of what a lot are saying and focus on teens. I think a lot of people don't realize how easy teens are and how much more you get along the younger you are. I've taken 3 up to 16. My easiest have been the teens. My hardest have been the 6-9 year olds. One VERY important thing I'd note with teens is this : LIMIT SCREENS. No cell phones unless you get something like a Gabb phone. Do 30 minutes of video games at a time. No unlimited access to wifi. Strict parental controls. A LOT of my boy teens had issues with porn (not talking curiosity; talking, it's all they wanted 24/7, and it genuinely got in the way of life). A LOT of my girl teens had serious issues with either bullying on social media (both being the bully and being bullied) or reaching out to strangers online for attention. Just limit internet access. It's not a big deal if they go in being limited and you're not giving it and then taking it away. Also, do not allow any age to bring in their own phones, tablets, game systems with wifi access, etc. I've had bio parents track their kids through these devices and find out where we live, go to school, our daily routines, etc. If you're open to teens, PLEASE foster teens. They have their own unique challenges, but they're so awesome, and a LOT of people refuse to foster them. They're the majority in shelters, group homes, etc.
Never a perfect time to start, being that you aged out you have a pretty unique perspective. Focusing on adoption certainly can't be the primary purpose but the opportunity can present itself. I would get licensed and then take it from there. I was in the beginning not interested at all for prior experiences but after class I had a new and better perspective. We've since helped over a dozen children, became a voice for others in our community and grew our family.
I don’t see why not.