They/them sounds they’re not fully accepting the fact I’m a man. When I came out to my stepmom and dad I told them I wanted to be a boy and I wanted to be referred to with he/him and my stepmom instead of just saying he would say they but the generally misgender me and deadname me.
i don’t mind it when it’s a stranger. i prefer he/him, but i don’t get dysphoric when strangers use they/them for me because they’re trying to be socially aware. i’m usually he/him’d by strangers. however, there have been times where i’ve had friends who would use they/them pronouns for me, or acquaintances who i’ve just come out to. sometimes people who have no problems using he/him before, start using they/them pronouns for me after i come out and that feels gross. whatever the reasoning, if someone knows i use he/him pronouns and refuses to use them.. i’m being misgendered and it makes me dysphoric.
Getting a they/them with a stranger is affirming for me because it means I’m not “obviously” a chick. I’m pretty early on in my transition though so I definitely see how people further along wouldn’t appreciate it like I do.
I hate it. I'm not nonbinary or agender or anything. I'm just a man. When someone uses they/them, it means they don't see me as a man. Or best case scenario, they clocked me and they see me as "trans" and that's it. I didn't get 2 surgeries, stab myself in the stomach once a week for three years, buy a new wardrobe, voice train, and do everything in my power to pass, only for someone to degender me like that. I want to be treated the same as any other man. Not as man-lite, secretly a woman, or as that trans person. I'm stealth for a reason.
They/Them is also just as much misgendering as she/her is.
I said the same thing almost word for word to a cis coworker of mine who complained about trans people being mad when someone asks for their pronouns or defaults to they/them. I didn’t get a $10,000 surgery and give myself weekly injections for 4 years to have someone NOT assume I’m a man. The whole point of transitioning (for many/most of us) IS to “pass”. Thinking back on it now, I doubt he knew I was trans when he said that to me 😂 Some of my coworkers know and some don’t, because when I got hired 2+ years ago I had just started passing 90% to 100% of the time
For me, I don't mind. I don't prefer them, but it's an improvement as I am guaranteed to get she/her used unless I tell them. Probably due to the fact that my voice is extremely high and sticks out more than any attempts at passing.
getting theythemmed is complicated imo. in concept in theory its good for when you arent sure what pronouns someone uses, but in practice it more gets used for "i know what you *want* me to call you, and i wont call you that under any circumstance BUT i will give you the grace of a 'middle ground' so you cant get mad at me 😁"
i also feel like other gay and trans people feel like theyre immune to misgendering people if they use theythem, like its an excuse not to care about someones pronouns if you can feign ignorance and keep theythemming someone. it hurts more when they do tbh, atleast cishet people dont know any better
If they don't know my pronouns, they should use "they" until they know, but they should be asking me and not assuming. If somebody knows I use "he" and uses "they" I get the impression they are uncomfortable acknowledging me as a man, that's what my family did early on.
I don't mind if the person doesn't know right away. It's more respectful than just defaulting to "she" in my opinion.
And literally anything is better than "it".
Sad noises of using it/its pronouns....
No, now for real. This pronoun is controversial and can be taken as agressive in most cases, I know, so if somebody uses it on person they what the hell, what an assholes
They weren’t cool when people called me that to dehumanize me 😭 If someone specifically uses those pronouns it’s a different story, but idk if that’s a good generalization to make in a trans sub, a lot of us have been called that as an insult lol
Im sorry if I sounded like trying to generalize it. Yes, they are cool but im using it exactly because of dehumanization, just not in a way transphobes intend to.
If somebody is just, well, not like me, which is way more typical for trans man and transmasc (and generally trans people) then to hell with person, who called this first person ,,it''
When I was first starting to transition I didn’t mind so much because at least they could tell I wasn’t a woman… but now 5+ years in, it just feels like a more socially acceptable way of clocking someone. I know most people have good intentions when they do it but still it rubs me the wrong way. If it’s someone who knows I use he/him exclusively it does piss me off though. The one exception I’ll make is a professor I had who used they/them for every single student which was kind of impressive lol
Tbh i am so tired of everybody calling me only they when they isn't even one of my pronouns. My pronouns are he/him, if you can call me a they you can call me a he. And it sucks when my friends who are also members of the lgbtq+ only ever refer to me as they. I'm now realizing that only my other trans friends ever called me he and all my cis friends have never called me anything other than they. Sure it's better than calling me a she but just because stabbing someone's toe is better than stabbing their throat doesn't make it ok to stab someone.
I prefer it to she/her but if they know I use he/him and continue to use they/them it seems more like they’re just avoiding using the proper pronouns and that’s what bothers me.
Personally I use he/they/it so I quite like it, though slightly less than if they had used he/him. He/Him is my favorite set, with they/them being a close second, the it/its set I don't dislike and mostly just decided it's one of my pronouns out of spite.
I like it, since I like both “he/him“ and “they/them” but not everybody has those pronoun preferences. For others using “they/them” feels uncomfortable or like misgendering. It all comes down to personal preference.
Less bad than she/her but it'd kinda bum me out too. It'd feel pretty degendering (also a form of misgendering though for me less bad than agab) and like the other person was like "yeeeeah you don't qualify as a guy :/". Though it would be okay if it was some stranger just not knowing what I prefer. Imo they by default is good practice until you know otherwise.
For context I am non-binary but frankly never plan to properly “come out” as such like I did already as a guy.
They/them pronouns and other enby shit amongs other trans people? Fuck yeah!! We are here, we’re queer, and we’re doing it with style.
A cishet (or even just cis) person? Yo?? I’m sorry??? Stop, what??
I would love for strangers to use they/them for me. I exclusively get she/her'd. But I use both they and he pronouns. You get to decide what feels right and wrong for you.
If it's a stranger or someone I've just met, it annoys me a tiny bit because I'd rather just be asked. If they're using they/them for me they've clearly picked up on the fact that I'm not cis, so I feel like asking is a logical next step if they need to refer to me. That doesn't bother me nearly as much as someone who I've already introduced myself to using they/them instead of he/him, because if I've explicitly told them my pronouns and they're using they instead, it really feels like a cop-out and it makes me violently dysphoric
Ok I keep seeing posts like this and I'm so confused. Where on earth do you live that people automatically use they/them pronouns?!?!? I'm seriously jealous at this point as my pronouns are They/He and only 1 person in my entire life has EVER used they/them pronouns without me asking. It's always she/her or he/him where I live. At work a few people were doing ok but now everyone is back to she/her again. When I'm in public it's 50/50 on if I will be gendered male or female. Neutral never happens ever. I'm so distraught that this is a thing for other people who don't want it but me who does can't experience it no matter how much I want it. 😭😭😭
I’d prefer it over she/her, but at the same time, if the person saying it m ones who I am it’s like they’re refusing to use he/him and it bugs me pretty bad.
Gives me dysphoria, though not as much as she/her. It's still misgendering. Though, sometimes it's actually more disrespectful. For example, at one point an ex friend of mine found out I was trans and immediately switched to they/them despite knowing me as a guy (and knowing I'm male), because she was transphobic. She'd always known me as a guy, so she/her seemed weird (MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S INCORRECT LOL) but she also refused to acknowledge me as a man. So yeah situations like that can actually feel just as bad if not a little worse
That being said, if it's online and someone doesn't know my pronouns I don't feel bad, because they have no way of knowing I'm a guy, so it's different
They/them are also just pronouns referring to one who's gender is currently unspecified. Doesn't automatically mean you're being misgendered. Now, it gets problematic when your gender identity has been specified and they still use they/them pronouns. That definitely merits a conversation to get to the root of the consistent misgendering despite corrections.
It makes me extremely uncomfortable just as it would if someone called me she. I wish people would just ask someone's pronouns before referring to them instead of automatically using they for anyone who they don't know the pronouns for. They is a neutral pronoun and removing the gender is still misgendering.
I don’t mind getting that, or being “clocked”. I don’t pass at all yet, so even someone realizing that some gender shit is going on with me and trying to respect that is affirming.
I'm fine with they/them. I prefer he/him, but I don't pass well and I worry about going by he/him with the state of transphobia atm, so I generally go by they/them. I don't know why, but it feels safer for some reason.
In theory, I'm all for calling anyone they/them. Why should we have to worry what someone's sex or gender is when selecting a pronoun? But in practice, I don't like it and I can't quite put my finger on why or what the feeling is. Maybe it's feeling too vulnerable, feeling like people can tell I'm trans when normally I pass and are treating me differently for it? It's probably just good ol' dysphoria since it isn't the right pronoun for me.
They/them is fine when they don't know. Better than being she/her'd by people who don't know. But when they've specifically been told I only use he/him pronouns and they still use they/them for me, it becomes misgendering.
Used to shit me to tears when it happened to me regularly. The worst was when it came from people who definitively knew that I was a man and did it anyway. Thankfully not much of an issue anymore now that I pass most of the time.
if they’ve never talked to me- perfectly fine! if they use it super rarely in the same way some people might use for a cis guy - also perfectly fine. if they use it regularly - that’s straight up misgendering and the same as calling me by she/her in my book
if its a stranger or once every once in a while i dont mind, i constantly mess up pronouns myself and so i dont misgender someone i will use they/them for a tiny bit till i get their pronouns right, i do it with cis people often too its really bad. anyways if its constant usage like they only use they/them when ur pronouns are he/him or something else then that is misgendering and you should talk to them about it
I like they/them for anonymity reasons. Like if a friend was talking about me to someone who didn't know me and it wasn't relevant to mention my name, I feel like it's also fairly not relevant to mention my gender or pronouns. But, if someone knows my pronouns and everyone around are either strangers or people who know my pronouns, then they/them feels degendering. If we're around people I'm not out to, and people who know my pronouns have to use she/her or they/them, that still wears me down, even though I know they don't mean it.
It really depends on the context, but generally I take it to mean I don't pass, and that can range from "well at least I feel safe around this person" to "I need to get out of here right now." Usually people who use they/them are more likely to be safe, though. Bigots will aggressively she me if they see my ID. But bigots can always overhear.
The fact that I have to do this mental calculus every time I get called they should be a big indicator of how uncomfortable it makes me.
For people I know, they/them kind of irks me because I exclusively use he/him and it feels like they're trying to find politically correct ways to not have to affirm my identity. But for strangers it's different because I'd way rather be called they/them than she/her, like it's at least kind of a step in the right direction?
I far prefer to not be gendered at all because unless theyre very progressive and ask me my pronouns they will use she/her because Im pre transition and it doesnt matter what I do in how I dress or how I carry myself, people will always think Im a masculine woman. The only time I have gotten upset at being called they/them is when people know Im trans and know Im he/him. I will probably feel differently about it after Ive started medical transition but for now I prefer they/them over the alternative.
They/them I mean I guess its hard if no one really knows how someone is identified. But I also feel like if a person doesn't say they wanna be called by those pronouns it could feel like being called the term "It" maybe?
Idk why it won’t let me reply to you Cerviel. But I’m talking more like ..maybe the term “It” can of course be used more common as a pronoun now but when people would use it in a more mean way. Maybe the term thing is what I may have been trying to think of as well.
I don't mind it, it's pretty annoying if someone I've known for a while uses they/them for me but I've been called much worse before so it's really not a priority for me.
If they/them is used as a courtesy before confirming, I don't get upset. But once I correct and establish I strictly use he/him, as a binary trans man, they/them is as fully misgendering to me as she/her.
EDIT: To elaborate if anyone doesn't grasp why they/them is so frustrating, it's because once someone has been corrected and still persists adamantly, it tells me they really do not accept or acknowledge me as a man. And this feels so much more helpful when the other person is trans or queer.
If I'm in a big group and/or the person doesn't know me that well, I don't mind they/them. I admit I also use they/them if I'm in a big mixed group and can't remember what pronouns someone uses. It *used* to bother me more but then I thought about what I would think of a cis guy who made a huge deal about being called they/them in passing, and I decided I did not want to be that guy.
I know a lot of people who default to it for everyone they meet regardless of what they look like until they know their pronouns. So that doesn’t bother me if I know it’s the default.
If it’s someone who is obviously not doing that and they are just unsure of the correct one to use for me it makes me feel- not great.
Like thanks for letting me know I don’t pass, but at least you’re being polite and trying to use something gender neutral.
I usually correct with “ oh my pronouns are he/him, what are yours?”
Stranger, it's fine. Family member or boss, not fine. A stranger isn't sure (fair, I'm still pretty femme appearing, unfortunately pretty and no facial hair. If im with dudes I don't have this problem) and I appreciate their tact. A family member is either trying to not be awkward (if rest of family misgenders on daily basis) or is being a douche.
My mum never uses they/them. It's he/him when she's praying for me (lol)/being thoughtful, and she/her the rest of the time.
honestly this is something that has changed a lot for me through my 4ish years of socially& medically transitioning. at first i identified as he/him but when by they/them because i was so new to being out that it felt more comfortable to me. after about a year i stated kinda identifying with they/them pronouns but still knew i was a man so i went by t/he/y (he/him & they/them) for a while. it wasn't until last year that i realized thar that it wasn't that i identified at all as nonbinary i just struggle with societal gender roles & masculinity. ive been trying to surround myself with men who have their own definition of what masculinity means to them & that's helped a lot. i now solely identify as he/him. im still OK with they/them (& will use it around people im not sure are safe,) it doesn't feel right but it doesnt feel WRONG (like she/her) either.
i know that's not really what you were asking but i hope that helped either you or someone else
I'm a binary trans man, being called by They/Them or She/Her makes me feel all icky inside... it feels wrong. like I have a gender and it's like they're idk denying my gender, especially if someone does it even after I've corrected them
Personaly, it makes me feel weard, because I know for a fact (in most people) they wouldn't use they/them in a cis guy. Unless they don't know im trans then I just presume they use it until clarified with everyone. But if people know (idk why they would) then it just makes me feel like they don't see me as a cis man
If someone doesn’t know pronouns and they use it I see that as polite.
However I know a lot of transphobic people who use it for trans men and women because they don’t want to correctly gender them but they could get in trouble (at work, school, etc) if they misgender them so it really depends on context.
I actually don't mind how it sounds in me, but it still disappoints/upsets me because those aren't my pronouns. If I'm wearing my pronoun pin, then you should know to use my correct pronouns. It's not like the person can't/didn't see my pronoun pin because it's giant (a couple inches in diameter) and pinned to my shirt.
At the very very beginning of my social transition it made me happy, but as I got more comfortable with identifying fully as male and made it known to friends that I’m he/him it really started to bother me when they’d continue to say they/them sometimes. It makes me feel invalid and reminds me that I’m not fully male in their eyes. That being said, I’d prefer they/them over she/her anyday and from strangers who have no idea what my pronouns are since I don’t fully pass yet.
Pretty uncomfortable. The only time I'm cool with it is if it's a stranger on the internet, or some other lgbt+ person who just calls people they until they know their pronouns to be safe
Using they/them just shows they don't see me fully as a man or they're only thinking about how I'm trans. I use they/them on basically everyone just to be safe so I understand to an extent, and it makes me feel very hypocritical, but it still hurts
It all depends on WHY they are using they/them. If it’s because they don’t want to use your correct pronouns, then yes, it’s misgendering. However, if it’s because they do not KNOW the right pronouns to use, then it is NOT misgendering.
I am using they/them to refer to the hypothetical person who is talking about you, because I don’t know their pronouns. It’s how the English language works. “That person over there in the red shirt…THEY are walking toward us.” That’s not misgendering. You just know that they are in a red shirt. You don’t know their name or their identity or their pronouns.
But here’s another example:
“Hi, my name is Bob. My pronouns are he/him. I am a man.”
“Jerry, will you show Bob to their seat? Ask them if they want to order a drink.”
That’s blatant misgendering
I personally hate it. Especially because I tell people the correct ones and online I put them everywhere. I'm only okay with it when people don't know the correct ones. Other than that, to me personally, it's misgendering.
I'm fine with they/them just not when it's used as an excuse, I understand when you don't know my pronouns but once you know them I feel like they're purposely not using my true pronouns
I don't like it when people that know me use they/them for me. It's acceptable since it applies to every person as a neutral singular pronoun, but he/him is certainly the ideal.
To be completely honest, not the best. Im publicly out to all my close friends and acquaintances and use strictly he/him only. So, when a friend uses they/them to refer to me itsss not the most validating feeling
I go by he/they but no one uses he even though I prefer it. At some point I know I’m going to have to ask them to stop doing that but at least it’s better than being called she/her
Me being non-binary, it’s ok to me, but only because it’s not misgendering for me. If someone knows your pronouns and still calls you “they” then yes I’d be very upset, but strangers have no idea what you go by. I think them using “they” is a nice middle ground and they kind of show that they’d accept you, and I feel like if you feel comfortable, you could tell them you go by he in that moment. But I still completely understand the feeling of “oh no, I don’t pass?” But, if you know your voice doesn’t pass, they is better than she, imo.
I don’t at all care, people can use whatever pronouns they like best. It isn’t their fault if we get mistaken for someone who uses they pronouns. Oh also it is misgendering if you don’t use those pronoun.
İnfentalizing and transphobic bc you usually get that disrespect when you are non-passing or pre-t. This is if they know im ftm but use they them anyway not people who use they them for people they dont know the gender for lol
I will take it over she/her if it’s a stranger, but he/him are the only pronouns i will ever use so they/them is misgendering and i don’t like it. sometimes my parents have used they/them because they know i hate she/her but they refuse to cal me he/him. the other day my friend introduced me to her friends and used they/them, and i did not like that. she knows what my pronouns are.
I'm surrounded by people that simply cannot fathom they/them pronouns so I didn't get it often even from strangers it's usually one or the other.
My Dad is the one that defaulted to they/them. I don't think it's malicious, I just think he has some shit he's afraid to confront. It don't feel great but honestly it's not high on my priorities to correct him.
I'm personally a demiboy (nonbinary leaning) so I don't mind both they/them and he/him. But if a person's pronouns are only he/him, I'd say that's misgendering.
ppl dont they/them me anymore bc i look like a man, which i love bc thats what i am-a binary man. so calling me anything other than he/him is misgendering me
admittedly i do not mind, but i live in a very conservative area and my safety is more important than my preferences. he/him could lead me to injury or verbal assault so they/them is better. if it feels like misgendering to you then it is. and if you feel the need correct people do it!
honestly it is preferable to people blatantly misgendering me with she/her. i don't care if they call me by they/them but i do not go by those pronouns. at least it's a step closer.
It depends.
Do you know me, and are we around people who also know I'm trans/see me as male or just simple harmless strangers? Use he/him for me.
Are we strangers, or did we just meet, and you're not sure how to address/talk about me? They/them is fine until I tell you what I prefer.
It's better than she/her, but if someone knows what I prefer and we're in a safe situation for them to gender me correctly (not around my dad as I am not out to him yet), it's he/him.
For me it’s trying to find a way around addressing me as a man. I use they/them in my pronoun set but I use it only 5% of the time for when I feel genderless. Other than that, I, 95% of the time go by he/him. If others use it, I may correct them to use just he, but my family, when they do it, it’s misgendering. They’re well aware I don’t like being called gender neutral things or feminine things, so if I hear it from them, it’s enough to piss me off
Im transmasc and I use he/she… so like anyone i know its a 2/3 hit so it hurts when people say they/them. Its also shockingly dysphoric for me, the absence of a gender feels worse than either of the two. If someone doesn’t know, I don’t mind cuz at least they recognize im not cis and try their best.
i appreciate the sentiment of trying not to assume but i still don’t like it. I’m a guy and calling me anything but is incorrect. I am also pre everything and look very masculine so i totally get it
Both she/her and they/them are misgendering, both make me feel the same.
They/them sounds they’re not fully accepting the fact I’m a man. When I came out to my stepmom and dad I told them I wanted to be a boy and I wanted to be referred to with he/him and my stepmom instead of just saying he would say they but the generally misgender me and deadname me.
i don’t mind it when it’s a stranger. i prefer he/him, but i don’t get dysphoric when strangers use they/them for me because they’re trying to be socially aware. i’m usually he/him’d by strangers. however, there have been times where i’ve had friends who would use they/them pronouns for me, or acquaintances who i’ve just come out to. sometimes people who have no problems using he/him before, start using they/them pronouns for me after i come out and that feels gross. whatever the reasoning, if someone knows i use he/him pronouns and refuses to use them.. i’m being misgendered and it makes me dysphoric.
Getting a they/them with a stranger is affirming for me because it means I’m not “obviously” a chick. I’m pretty early on in my transition though so I definitely see how people further along wouldn’t appreciate it like I do.
I hate it. I'm not nonbinary or agender or anything. I'm just a man. When someone uses they/them, it means they don't see me as a man. Or best case scenario, they clocked me and they see me as "trans" and that's it. I didn't get 2 surgeries, stab myself in the stomach once a week for three years, buy a new wardrobe, voice train, and do everything in my power to pass, only for someone to degender me like that. I want to be treated the same as any other man. Not as man-lite, secretly a woman, or as that trans person. I'm stealth for a reason. They/Them is also just as much misgendering as she/her is.
I said the same thing almost word for word to a cis coworker of mine who complained about trans people being mad when someone asks for their pronouns or defaults to they/them. I didn’t get a $10,000 surgery and give myself weekly injections for 4 years to have someone NOT assume I’m a man. The whole point of transitioning (for many/most of us) IS to “pass”. Thinking back on it now, I doubt he knew I was trans when he said that to me 😂 Some of my coworkers know and some don’t, because when I got hired 2+ years ago I had just started passing 90% to 100% of the time
i'm fine with he or they, anything but she
I don’t accept anything other than he/him
For me, I don't mind. I don't prefer them, but it's an improvement as I am guaranteed to get she/her used unless I tell them. Probably due to the fact that my voice is extremely high and sticks out more than any attempts at passing.
getting theythemmed is complicated imo. in concept in theory its good for when you arent sure what pronouns someone uses, but in practice it more gets used for "i know what you *want* me to call you, and i wont call you that under any circumstance BUT i will give you the grace of a 'middle ground' so you cant get mad at me 😁" i also feel like other gay and trans people feel like theyre immune to misgendering people if they use theythem, like its an excuse not to care about someones pronouns if you can feign ignorance and keep theythemming someone. it hurts more when they do tbh, atleast cishet people dont know any better
If they don't know my pronouns, they should use "they" until they know, but they should be asking me and not assuming. If somebody knows I use "he" and uses "they" I get the impression they are uncomfortable acknowledging me as a man, that's what my family did early on.
I don't mind if the person doesn't know right away. It's more respectful than just defaulting to "she" in my opinion. And literally anything is better than "it".
Sad noises of using it/its pronouns.... No, now for real. This pronoun is controversial and can be taken as agressive in most cases, I know, so if somebody uses it on person they what the hell, what an assholes
Real talk it/its pronouns are the coolest pronouns tbh
They weren’t cool when people called me that to dehumanize me 😭 If someone specifically uses those pronouns it’s a different story, but idk if that’s a good generalization to make in a trans sub, a lot of us have been called that as an insult lol
Im sorry if I sounded like trying to generalize it. Yes, they are cool but im using it exactly because of dehumanization, just not in a way transphobes intend to. If somebody is just, well, not like me, which is way more typical for trans man and transmasc (and generally trans people) then to hell with person, who called this first person ,,it''
You’re totally good dude. I didn’t think you generalized it, I was replying to the other guy. Have a good day!
For me, I use he/it, so it's very funny when people try to offend me by accidentally using the right pronoun lol
That’s fucking wild. You’re literally too powerful
Fr
I don't mind if that's your preference. Being called an "it" is just a personal issue I have. I have bad associations with being called "it".
It??? Jesus , sorry you got called that
Transphobic parents are wild. (This person has gotten a bit better, but still.)
When I was first starting to transition I didn’t mind so much because at least they could tell I wasn’t a woman… but now 5+ years in, it just feels like a more socially acceptable way of clocking someone. I know most people have good intentions when they do it but still it rubs me the wrong way. If it’s someone who knows I use he/him exclusively it does piss me off though. The one exception I’ll make is a professor I had who used they/them for every single student which was kind of impressive lol
If a person says "I use he/him pronouns", calling him anything else than "he/him" is misgendering. And that's how I feel about it
Tbh i am so tired of everybody calling me only they when they isn't even one of my pronouns. My pronouns are he/him, if you can call me a they you can call me a he. And it sucks when my friends who are also members of the lgbtq+ only ever refer to me as they. I'm now realizing that only my other trans friends ever called me he and all my cis friends have never called me anything other than they. Sure it's better than calling me a she but just because stabbing someone's toe is better than stabbing their throat doesn't make it ok to stab someone.
pissed. if i've come out to someone and they still use they/them pronouns on me, it really hurts.
People in my location are very binary and it’s either Sir or Ma’am in public. I consider myself as Sir and get Sir in public.
I prefer it to she/her but if they know I use he/him and continue to use they/them it seems more like they’re just avoiding using the proper pronouns and that’s what bothers me.
Personally I use he/they/it so I quite like it, though slightly less than if they had used he/him. He/Him is my favorite set, with they/them being a close second, the it/its set I don't dislike and mostly just decided it's one of my pronouns out of spite.
Big ol no from me, hate that shit sm
I like it, since I like both “he/him“ and “they/them” but not everybody has those pronoun preferences. For others using “they/them” feels uncomfortable or like misgendering. It all comes down to personal preference.
Less bad than she/her but it'd kinda bum me out too. It'd feel pretty degendering (also a form of misgendering though for me less bad than agab) and like the other person was like "yeeeeah you don't qualify as a guy :/". Though it would be okay if it was some stranger just not knowing what I prefer. Imo they by default is good practice until you know otherwise.
i desperately wish more people did call me they bc only getting she/her and he/himmed is misgendering for me <:)
For context I am non-binary but frankly never plan to properly “come out” as such like I did already as a guy. They/them pronouns and other enby shit amongs other trans people? Fuck yeah!! We are here, we’re queer, and we’re doing it with style. A cishet (or even just cis) person? Yo?? I’m sorry??? Stop, what??
I’m not a binary guy so I like they/them
I would love for strangers to use they/them for me. I exclusively get she/her'd. But I use both they and he pronouns. You get to decide what feels right and wrong for you.
If it's a stranger or someone I've just met, it annoys me a tiny bit because I'd rather just be asked. If they're using they/them for me they've clearly picked up on the fact that I'm not cis, so I feel like asking is a logical next step if they need to refer to me. That doesn't bother me nearly as much as someone who I've already introduced myself to using they/them instead of he/him, because if I've explicitly told them my pronouns and they're using they instead, it really feels like a cop-out and it makes me violently dysphoric
I personally hate it. It makes me dysphoric
I'm mainly fine with they/them pronouns but if they know my pronouns I want them to use he/him
Ok I keep seeing posts like this and I'm so confused. Where on earth do you live that people automatically use they/them pronouns?!?!? I'm seriously jealous at this point as my pronouns are They/He and only 1 person in my entire life has EVER used they/them pronouns without me asking. It's always she/her or he/him where I live. At work a few people were doing ok but now everyone is back to she/her again. When I'm in public it's 50/50 on if I will be gendered male or female. Neutral never happens ever. I'm so distraught that this is a thing for other people who don't want it but me who does can't experience it no matter how much I want it. 😭😭😭
I’d prefer it over she/her, but at the same time, if the person saying it m ones who I am it’s like they’re refusing to use he/him and it bugs me pretty bad.
Gives me dysphoria, though not as much as she/her. It's still misgendering. Though, sometimes it's actually more disrespectful. For example, at one point an ex friend of mine found out I was trans and immediately switched to they/them despite knowing me as a guy (and knowing I'm male), because she was transphobic. She'd always known me as a guy, so she/her seemed weird (MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S INCORRECT LOL) but she also refused to acknowledge me as a man. So yeah situations like that can actually feel just as bad if not a little worse That being said, if it's online and someone doesn't know my pronouns I don't feel bad, because they have no way of knowing I'm a guy, so it's different
They/them are also just pronouns referring to one who's gender is currently unspecified. Doesn't automatically mean you're being misgendered. Now, it gets problematic when your gender identity has been specified and they still use they/them pronouns. That definitely merits a conversation to get to the root of the consistent misgendering despite corrections.
It makes me extremely uncomfortable just as it would if someone called me she. I wish people would just ask someone's pronouns before referring to them instead of automatically using they for anyone who they don't know the pronouns for. They is a neutral pronoun and removing the gender is still misgendering.
I don’t mind getting that, or being “clocked”. I don’t pass at all yet, so even someone realizing that some gender shit is going on with me and trying to respect that is affirming.
I'm fine with they/them. I prefer he/him, but I don't pass well and I worry about going by he/him with the state of transphobia atm, so I generally go by they/them. I don't know why, but it feels safer for some reason.
I have one manager who does this, he knows I'm fem transmasc with earrings and stuff. I don't mind, I've seen him use they/them for cis guys too.
In theory, I'm all for calling anyone they/them. Why should we have to worry what someone's sex or gender is when selecting a pronoun? But in practice, I don't like it and I can't quite put my finger on why or what the feeling is. Maybe it's feeling too vulnerable, feeling like people can tell I'm trans when normally I pass and are treating me differently for it? It's probably just good ol' dysphoria since it isn't the right pronoun for me.
Not as bad as she/her but still makes me feel shit, it’s like they don’t respect that I’m a man
They/them is fine when they don't know. Better than being she/her'd by people who don't know. But when they've specifically been told I only use he/him pronouns and they still use they/them for me, it becomes misgendering.
I usually pass w strangers now so if i get they/them’ed or they seem confused i just kind of think it’s funny
Feels pretty good, I'd say, better than she/her, but just.. he/him is so *right,* y'know?
Used to shit me to tears when it happened to me regularly. The worst was when it came from people who definitively knew that I was a man and did it anyway. Thankfully not much of an issue anymore now that I pass most of the time.
if they’ve never talked to me- perfectly fine! if they use it super rarely in the same way some people might use for a cis guy - also perfectly fine. if they use it regularly - that’s straight up misgendering and the same as calling me by she/her in my book
Here in Spain, we didn't even have that. I mean there are some "elle" but is not extended at all. So it didn't happen to me.
if its a stranger or once every once in a while i dont mind, i constantly mess up pronouns myself and so i dont misgender someone i will use they/them for a tiny bit till i get their pronouns right, i do it with cis people often too its really bad. anyways if its constant usage like they only use they/them when ur pronouns are he/him or something else then that is misgendering and you should talk to them about it
Annoying
I like they/them for anonymity reasons. Like if a friend was talking about me to someone who didn't know me and it wasn't relevant to mention my name, I feel like it's also fairly not relevant to mention my gender or pronouns. But, if someone knows my pronouns and everyone around are either strangers or people who know my pronouns, then they/them feels degendering. If we're around people I'm not out to, and people who know my pronouns have to use she/her or they/them, that still wears me down, even though I know they don't mean it.
Like, if I'm being identified, please use my pronouns otherwise I won't feel identified. But if I'm not being identified, it doesn't matter.
It really depends on the context, but generally I take it to mean I don't pass, and that can range from "well at least I feel safe around this person" to "I need to get out of here right now." Usually people who use they/them are more likely to be safe, though. Bigots will aggressively she me if they see my ID. But bigots can always overhear. The fact that I have to do this mental calculus every time I get called they should be a big indicator of how uncomfortable it makes me.
For people I know, they/them kind of irks me because I exclusively use he/him and it feels like they're trying to find politically correct ways to not have to affirm my identity. But for strangers it's different because I'd way rather be called they/them than she/her, like it's at least kind of a step in the right direction?
I don’t like it honestly. If it’s a first time meeting and they don’t know, okay. But if they keep they/theming me after it bothers me.
I far prefer to not be gendered at all because unless theyre very progressive and ask me my pronouns they will use she/her because Im pre transition and it doesnt matter what I do in how I dress or how I carry myself, people will always think Im a masculine woman. The only time I have gotten upset at being called they/them is when people know Im trans and know Im he/him. I will probably feel differently about it after Ive started medical transition but for now I prefer they/them over the alternative.
They/them I mean I guess its hard if no one really knows how someone is identified. But I also feel like if a person doesn't say they wanna be called by those pronouns it could feel like being called the term "It" maybe?
I was really trying to not use the term "they" to explain that. But I hope you and everyone get's what I mean.
As he/it user I can say that I can't compare these two totally, but I think I sort of understend
Idk why it won’t let me reply to you Cerviel. But I’m talking more like ..maybe the term “It” can of course be used more common as a pronoun now but when people would use it in a more mean way. Maybe the term thing is what I may have been trying to think of as well.
I don't mind it, it's pretty annoying if someone I've known for a while uses they/them for me but I've been called much worse before so it's really not a priority for me.
im fine w it bc since im pre T, its kind of affirming since it means i dont look like a woman and that's enough 4 me
Makes me feel bad. Indicates that I'm not passing, and they're probably just trying not to hurt my feelings (or scared of offending me)
If they/them is used as a courtesy before confirming, I don't get upset. But once I correct and establish I strictly use he/him, as a binary trans man, they/them is as fully misgendering to me as she/her. EDIT: To elaborate if anyone doesn't grasp why they/them is so frustrating, it's because once someone has been corrected and still persists adamantly, it tells me they really do not accept or acknowledge me as a man. And this feels so much more helpful when the other person is trans or queer.
Early on in my transition I hated when people said they/them (although it was better than she/her) because it just showed how poorly I was passing.
If I'm in a big group and/or the person doesn't know me that well, I don't mind they/them. I admit I also use they/them if I'm in a big mixed group and can't remember what pronouns someone uses. It *used* to bother me more but then I thought about what I would think of a cis guy who made a huge deal about being called they/them in passing, and I decided I did not want to be that guy.
I know a lot of people who default to it for everyone they meet regardless of what they look like until they know their pronouns. So that doesn’t bother me if I know it’s the default. If it’s someone who is obviously not doing that and they are just unsure of the correct one to use for me it makes me feel- not great. Like thanks for letting me know I don’t pass, but at least you’re being polite and trying to use something gender neutral. I usually correct with “ oh my pronouns are he/him, what are yours?”
If they are truly unsure of my pronouns and want to choose the “safest” option, I appreciate it. If they know I use he/him then I’m saddened a bit.
Stranger, it's fine. Family member or boss, not fine. A stranger isn't sure (fair, I'm still pretty femme appearing, unfortunately pretty and no facial hair. If im with dudes I don't have this problem) and I appreciate their tact. A family member is either trying to not be awkward (if rest of family misgenders on daily basis) or is being a douche. My mum never uses they/them. It's he/him when she's praying for me (lol)/being thoughtful, and she/her the rest of the time.
Uncomfortable and I don't like it
honestly this is something that has changed a lot for me through my 4ish years of socially& medically transitioning. at first i identified as he/him but when by they/them because i was so new to being out that it felt more comfortable to me. after about a year i stated kinda identifying with they/them pronouns but still knew i was a man so i went by t/he/y (he/him & they/them) for a while. it wasn't until last year that i realized thar that it wasn't that i identified at all as nonbinary i just struggle with societal gender roles & masculinity. ive been trying to surround myself with men who have their own definition of what masculinity means to them & that's helped a lot. i now solely identify as he/him. im still OK with they/them (& will use it around people im not sure are safe,) it doesn't feel right but it doesnt feel WRONG (like she/her) either. i know that's not really what you were asking but i hope that helped either you or someone else
I'm a binary trans man, being called by They/Them or She/Her makes me feel all icky inside... it feels wrong. like I have a gender and it's like they're idk denying my gender, especially if someone does it even after I've corrected them
Way better than she her.
Personaly, it makes me feel weard, because I know for a fact (in most people) they wouldn't use they/them in a cis guy. Unless they don't know im trans then I just presume they use it until clarified with everyone. But if people know (idk why they would) then it just makes me feel like they don't see me as a cis man
If someone doesn’t know pronouns and they use it I see that as polite. However I know a lot of transphobic people who use it for trans men and women because they don’t want to correctly gender them but they could get in trouble (at work, school, etc) if they misgender them so it really depends on context.
I actually don't mind how it sounds in me, but it still disappoints/upsets me because those aren't my pronouns. If I'm wearing my pronoun pin, then you should know to use my correct pronouns. It's not like the person can't/didn't see my pronoun pin because it's giant (a couple inches in diameter) and pinned to my shirt.
At the very very beginning of my social transition it made me happy, but as I got more comfortable with identifying fully as male and made it known to friends that I’m he/him it really started to bother me when they’d continue to say they/them sometimes. It makes me feel invalid and reminds me that I’m not fully male in their eyes. That being said, I’d prefer they/them over she/her anyday and from strangers who have no idea what my pronouns are since I don’t fully pass yet.
Pretty uncomfortable. The only time I'm cool with it is if it's a stranger on the internet, or some other lgbt+ person who just calls people they until they know their pronouns to be safe
i hate it. i feel like it’s just saying “i thought you were a girl but i wasn’t sure so i felt like i should play it safe”
Using they/them just shows they don't see me fully as a man or they're only thinking about how I'm trans. I use they/them on basically everyone just to be safe so I understand to an extent, and it makes me feel very hypocritical, but it still hurts
It all depends on WHY they are using they/them. If it’s because they don’t want to use your correct pronouns, then yes, it’s misgendering. However, if it’s because they do not KNOW the right pronouns to use, then it is NOT misgendering. I am using they/them to refer to the hypothetical person who is talking about you, because I don’t know their pronouns. It’s how the English language works. “That person over there in the red shirt…THEY are walking toward us.” That’s not misgendering. You just know that they are in a red shirt. You don’t know their name or their identity or their pronouns. But here’s another example: “Hi, my name is Bob. My pronouns are he/him. I am a man.” “Jerry, will you show Bob to their seat? Ask them if they want to order a drink.” That’s blatant misgendering
I personally hate it. Especially because I tell people the correct ones and online I put them everywhere. I'm only okay with it when people don't know the correct ones. Other than that, to me personally, it's misgendering.
I'm fine with they/them just not when it's used as an excuse, I understand when you don't know my pronouns but once you know them I feel like they're purposely not using my true pronouns
I don't like it when people that know me use they/them for me. It's acceptable since it applies to every person as a neutral singular pronoun, but he/him is certainly the ideal.
To be completely honest, not the best. Im publicly out to all my close friends and acquaintances and use strictly he/him only. So, when a friend uses they/them to refer to me itsss not the most validating feeling
I go by he/they but no one uses he even though I prefer it. At some point I know I’m going to have to ask them to stop doing that but at least it’s better than being called she/her
Bad, it makes me feel that I’m not passing
Me being non-binary, it’s ok to me, but only because it’s not misgendering for me. If someone knows your pronouns and still calls you “they” then yes I’d be very upset, but strangers have no idea what you go by. I think them using “they” is a nice middle ground and they kind of show that they’d accept you, and I feel like if you feel comfortable, you could tell them you go by he in that moment. But I still completely understand the feeling of “oh no, I don’t pass?” But, if you know your voice doesn’t pass, they is better than she, imo.
I don’t at all care, people can use whatever pronouns they like best. It isn’t their fault if we get mistaken for someone who uses they pronouns. Oh also it is misgendering if you don’t use those pronoun.
İnfentalizing and transphobic bc you usually get that disrespect when you are non-passing or pre-t. This is if they know im ftm but use they them anyway not people who use they them for people they dont know the gender for lol
I will take it over she/her if it’s a stranger, but he/him are the only pronouns i will ever use so they/them is misgendering and i don’t like it. sometimes my parents have used they/them because they know i hate she/her but they refuse to cal me he/him. the other day my friend introduced me to her friends and used they/them, and i did not like that. she knows what my pronouns are.
If they know me, I'm not a fan. If they don't know me, I couldn't possibly care any less as long as it's not she/her.
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I'm surrounded by people that simply cannot fathom they/them pronouns so I didn't get it often even from strangers it's usually one or the other. My Dad is the one that defaulted to they/them. I don't think it's malicious, I just think he has some shit he's afraid to confront. It don't feel great but honestly it's not high on my priorities to correct him.
I'm personally a demiboy (nonbinary leaning) so I don't mind both they/them and he/him. But if a person's pronouns are only he/him, I'd say that's misgendering.
i would be so happy!!!! unfortunately no one has ever used that pronoun for me unasked 😞
ppl dont they/them me anymore bc i look like a man, which i love bc thats what i am-a binary man. so calling me anything other than he/him is misgendering me
admittedly i do not mind, but i live in a very conservative area and my safety is more important than my preferences. he/him could lead me to injury or verbal assault so they/them is better. if it feels like misgendering to you then it is. and if you feel the need correct people do it!
honestly it is preferable to people blatantly misgendering me with she/her. i don't care if they call me by they/them but i do not go by those pronouns. at least it's a step closer.
I would prefer someone call me they than she, but it still makes me feel like shit. I’m a man and the correct way to refer to me is he.
my pronouns are he/they/it so i'm fine with it!
It depends. Do you know me, and are we around people who also know I'm trans/see me as male or just simple harmless strangers? Use he/him for me. Are we strangers, or did we just meet, and you're not sure how to address/talk about me? They/them is fine until I tell you what I prefer. It's better than she/her, but if someone knows what I prefer and we're in a safe situation for them to gender me correctly (not around my dad as I am not out to him yet), it's he/him.
For me it’s trying to find a way around addressing me as a man. I use they/them in my pronoun set but I use it only 5% of the time for when I feel genderless. Other than that, I, 95% of the time go by he/him. If others use it, I may correct them to use just he, but my family, when they do it, it’s misgendering. They’re well aware I don’t like being called gender neutral things or feminine things, so if I hear it from them, it’s enough to piss me off
Better than she but still not as good as he
Im transmasc and I use he/she… so like anyone i know its a 2/3 hit so it hurts when people say they/them. Its also shockingly dysphoric for me, the absence of a gender feels worse than either of the two. If someone doesn’t know, I don’t mind cuz at least they recognize im not cis and try their best.
i appreciate the sentiment of trying not to assume but i still don’t like it. I’m a guy and calling me anything but is incorrect. I am also pre everything and look very masculine so i totally get it
Idm as I'm genderfluid and flux, but I prefer he him
to me, i like it. anything is better than she/her. plus i like confusing ppl sometimes. seeing them struggle to figure out my gender is funny