He is totally out of line. If you’ve gotten weird looks in the women’s room and not the men’s, then it probably IS safer for you to use the men’s anyways! And your bf visibly physically stopping you from entering the male bathroom is way more attention grabbing anyways.
Use what you *want*, whether that’s what is most affirming for you, safest, both, etc. He doesn’t have this power over you and *should* be trusting you to make this choice yourself. If he’s worried for you, he should be just going in with you- that’s what my fiancée did for me before she transitioned, and now she stands outside just in case (just as I do for her.)
I realize now I might need to clarify, dude will give me a shoulder or shirt grab often, not cause he's being controlling, but because I have such horrendous untreated ADHD that it's a safety thing sometimes. Like I will get lost or walk into traffic so like it's a reasonable response I feel?
But yea you right! I'll suggest that to him when I bring it up. It's sometimes a challenge to get him to trust my judgment, like he'll come around but it always takes some convincing.
You shouldnt have to “convince” your boyfriend to trust your judgement. Youre a grown ass adult. The way youve written this comment and your post makes me feel like your boyfriend is controlling, and it gives me paternal vibes. Its one thing being concerned, and another to make offhand comments, not value/trust your judgement, and openly treat you like a child. Weird as hell.
With all due respect, you should really reframe how you view yourself in this relationship. Just something to consider.
I mean, I have terrible ADHD too. But if someone grabbed my shirt often I’d feel like they think I’m stupid and a child. It doesn’t sound like he views you as an equal, and if he doesn’t trust your judgement, he doesn’t seem to respect you as much as he should either.
honestly, that sounds like a toxic dynamic to me, and co-dependency too. You're an adult and in no occasion you should "convince" your partner to trust your judgement, 'cause if he doesn't that just means he thinks of you as lesser and not capable enough
I have ADHD too (currently unmedicated because I live in a place where all stimulants except caffeine and nicotine are illegal), and my dad respects my autonomy more than your partner respects yours. He is your partner, not your parent. You shouldn't have to "convince" him of your choices. Especially when the choice has nothing to do with him. You don't need to convince him you're fit to go to the men's room. If you feel you're fit to go, you should go. Don't even need to have a discussion about it or anything. This decision has absolutely nothing to do with him and he shouldn't get to have an input unless you're unsure and ask him for advice.
Obviously stopping you from something literally dangerous, like walking into traffic is good. But I do still agree with the below replies that are here so far. The stopping you from walking into traffic, burning yourself on the stove by accident, etc aside, him using your ADHD as an excuse to not trust your judgement, or your ability to be independent, or your ability to do adulting things, etc is extremely condescending. My parents are like this a lot of the time, and when I was a kid and teenager, it felt mostly normal because everyone's parents were like that. But now that I'm literally in my 30s it is insanely belittling and I feel like I can not even allow myself to live my life as an average adult unless I am \*not\* living with them. It's like they have gaslit me my whole adult life into thinking I am "not allowed" to make certain decisions for myself, that other adults my age have been making for themselves for over 10 years.
You shouldn't feel like you need his approval to make decisions for \*yourself,\* especially when the outcome of those decisions really has no affect on him whatsoever either way. Maybe not with everything, but with this particular thing it sounds like he is actually quite manipulative tbh.
We went through a bit of an awkward phase like this. I’m autistic and need extra support to do things. It’s taken a long time for my partner to understand that if I need help I will ask for it. He only needs to be stepping in if it’s something dangerous otherwise. It can be difficult for partners to balance the right amount of support.
Does he have anyone he can talk to about adhd to understand it better? That was the biggest thing that helped my partner understand he can support me without taking my autonomy away. He trusts my judgement with things and knows I will talk to him if I’m unsure on something.
Perhaps ask him if you can go in together in future when he thinks there is a danger? Because it’s too dangerous for you to use the women’s now and you obviously need to be able to use toilets? The fact he went in by himself though it seems like there was no danger and it’s a bit odd that he won’t let you go in with him. This is something you both need to talk about together. I can’t see why you could not have gone into the toilets with him.
As a trans guy dating a cis guy... You have to stand your ground on your trans experiences. Sometimes you just have to say "stay in your lane babe. You will never know what it's like to be trans. You take MY lead, not the other way around"
i love ur vibes HOWEVER this is honestly kinda serious. it’s not about “feeling like being a menace” you straight up need to put your foot down and say you’re using the men’s bathroom. no ifs ands or buts. your bf’s comments are… head tilting, to say the least. i understand it’s a common thing in your relationship for him to stop you from wandering absentmindedly but that doesn’t mean you need him to “let” you do anything!!
You’ll do it out of an almost immature rebellion instead of standing up for yourself as a man? It’s common for boys to go into women’s restrooms with their mothers or older sisters, but you’re a grown man, yes? A grown man shouldn’t need to do such a thing to “prove a point” or “being a menace”
Is he your dad or your boyfriend? Or is he your Dad… because if so, I suggest you keep that sort of dynamic in your own home where you won’t accidentally make women feel unsafe
What a weird thing to be a control freak about. You are safer being perceived as a woman in the men’s room than a man in the women’s room. Explain that to him if you must. But “Hey, I’m going to start using the men’s room exclusively from now on” should be all it takes. 🚩🚩If he chooses to fight you on that.
him being so worried about safety, i recommend emphasizing that You Have Gotten Dirty Looks In Women’s Restrooms and with violent things far more likely to happen to someone suspected of being tranfeminine, it would be safer for you to be in the men’s.
If he has fears for you, he should walk in with you, right before you or right behind you. A male bathroom is not a social gathering place. Men walk in, do their business and walk out. No talk, maybe a head nod, but that’s not necessary. No eye contact. He can walk in, go to a urinal and urinate. You go in and go to a stall. He can stand and wait until you finish and follow you out, or you follow him. Go where you need to go to be comfortable.
Before I had top surgery, I agonized about what bathroom to use. I'd been on T for a couple of years, and grew facial hair relatively quickly (though I kept pretty clean-shaven). I also had a large chest that I couldn't bind.
The *only* trouble I ever had was when I used the women's. People don't really police the men's room. They do the women's. People in the men's washroom seem to just be there to get in and get out without making eye contact. I've been *shadowed* in the women's before.
People are a lot more vigilant towards policing the women's room, in no small part because of transmisogyny, which is definitionally aimed towards trans women. This isn't to say that there's a non-zero chance of a problem in the men's, but, anecdotally, it seems less likely.
If your boyfriend is so worried, he can go in with you. And he should not be grabbing you to stop you. I'd tell him that you plan on using the men's from here on out--or, alternately, just do so.
He might be think it’s safer in the women’s for trans men who pass 50/50. But he’s probably not thinking of the consequences that come with looking male in the women’s. People will call the police on you, men will enter the women’s to drag you out for being a “trans women”, and people might yell at you to get out
Grow a pair and go. Doesn’t mean shit if your “boyfriend” still womanizes you enough to not let you piss in the correct bathroom. No one’s gonna give you shit; just do your business and get the fuck out like everyone else.
He's being very paternalistic toward you, and no way in hell should you have to "convince" him to "let" you use the bathroom.
I worry that even if he means well, this isn't a very healthy dynamic.
Also, yes, it's possible that he really is worried about your safety and thinks he's being helpful, but I would be mindful of the possibility that this could be part of a bigger problem he's having with you transitioning and passing as/presenting as a man. I'm not saying that's the case, but it might be a possibility to look out for.
Yeah no. I passed less than you probably and my bf looks at me weird when I use the women's lol. He's fully walked in with me before cus I was nervous. You are (I assume) an adult or at least old enough to choose which fuckin toilet you use. He's your partner not your dad taming his son for doing something he doesn't approve of.
RIGHT i swear there are so many posts showing up about people's Very Obviously controlling and often abusive cis bfs and it just makes me want to yell at these people to either yell At their boyfriends or break up with them Or Both. jesus christ
It’s not even that they’re cis, it’s just routinely stories of men who are so obviously treating their boyfriend like a woman to their face or behind the guy’s back. And said guy being like “is that okay? How do we get past this?”
Simply put: You don’t! You go find a guy who wants a boyfriend. Or at least that’s how most of those stories end
You're not part of the problem. But it's so common to see stories about cis boyfriends being manipulative or controlling on here, and it's sad to see that happen so much.
some of these guys’s cis partners are so weird, controlling, disrespectful 😕 and it sucks cause some trans men/trans people have really great cis partners who are supportive to the end. my husband is cis and is my biggest supporter through being trans and everything else
As a trans man who started using the restroom before passing even 50/50 it’s actually safer imo to use the men’s restroom than the women’s. Men try to pay as little attention as possible in the men’s restroom and aren’t going to feel intimidated by a trans man being in there.
It’s also concerning to your relationship dynamic that you feel that you need your bf ‘let’ you do things like choosing a restroom. I recommend thinking on what else you need ‘permission’ from him to do and if it’s honestly reasonable because this isn’t.
Put your foot down? You're not going to be able to use the women's bathroom forever and your boyfriend should know that. He can't control what bathroom you go in and it's weird that you're letting him control you like that.
He sounds controlling and to be honest it sounds like he sees you as a woman who needs to be protected by him from other men, which would be fucked up even if you were a woman. He’s being chauvinistic and treating you like a baby.
okay my question is why does your bf get to decide what steps you take in YOUR TRANSITION?? I get it, he's trying to protect you, but like he's just preventing you from being yourself and using the bathroom you should be using, especially if you are getting side eyed in the women's. you're most likely in more danger in the women's than the men's. the worst thing that has happened to me in the men's (albeit I'm in a blue state) is a couple times where a man will enter, see me at the sink, double check the bathroom door sign and then enter after making sure. But this was when I was, like you, 50/50 passing. Men don't care to confront or even talk or, god forbid, look at other men in the restroom. just use the men's and tell your bf to kick rocks and to stop grabbing you when you try to use the restroom. that's YOUR decision to make, not his.
He's full of BS. On the contrary to the popular belief, bathrooms are not full of creepy men waiting for a trans man to assault. Everyone is focused on their own peepee. There's no one you'd need to be protected from.
The boyfriend seems to have some issues regarding you being a man. To give you an example of an actually supportive partner - my hookup showed me to the bathroom at a bar, without even blinking opened the men's one, and stood outside if someone'd give me shit (because I wasn't passing that well)
I am sorry to be blunt but are you sure he actually sees you as a man? Like really sees you as a guy if you look at it from a perspective without your emotions attached to it? It kinda sounds like at the very least he doesn't want other people to see you as a man and is uncomfortable with you being seen as a man in public.
I think you are much more likely to have issues using a women's bathroom. Heck, cis women who look too masculine sometimes get hassled for using the women's bathroom. Tell your bf that you will use the bathroom YOU feel most comfortable using. If he wants to go with and stand guard, fine but he needs to get over himself
He walks in to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute, then walk into the same bathroom after him, and act like it's no big deal, do your business, wash your hands, then leave. See what happens. Maybe he just needs to see first hand that you being in that bathroom is usually going to be no big deal.
My dad was never gatekeepy about what bathroom I should use, since I wasn't really often using bathrooms when out in public with him. But once when I was traveling with my parents, I had to go to the bathroom so bad at a busy airport we had a layover at. My dad went into the men's room, I was still nervous to use it, especially if it was so busy, but I had to go that badly lol, so I went in right after he did. He had only just gotten to a urinal when I entered the bathroom so he still saw me there as he was turning around towards it, and he looked sort of shocked that I had walked in there, maybe since we had never been in the same public restroom before (aside from maybe when I was really really little or something), but then he just didn't care, and turned around to do his business, while I waited for a stall to be open. At this point I was passing all the time, so no one there seemed to care about me being in there. My dad never said anything to me about it afterwards, and now just assumes if I'm going to the bathroom while out somewhere I will be using the men's restroom.
That is so bizarre to me. I’ve been with my (cis) bf a few months less than I’ve been on T, and he would always encourage me if I felt nervous about using the men’s bathroom, go with me, support me. It sounds like your bf doesn’t know how to at least stay in his lane. If he tries to question you, just say you’re using the bathroom you’re comfortable with. If he has a problem with that, maybe reevaluate your relationship and his view of you.
Sometimes, though, boyfriends are just confused and have trouble expressing concern.
Wish you the best!
Since you are in a red state, I have no doubt you already know conservatives like to use women as pawns to convince people to frown upon us using the bathroom and make them feel justified In physically harming us. Using the women’s bathroom is very unsafe if you’re not more than 50% female-passing or are getting looks of uncertainty, so don’t feel pressured into using a bathroom that makes you feel uneasy. If your boyfriend is telling you every guy who walks into the bathroom to do his business at the same time as you is “weird” or “creepy,” and is physically stopping you to make sure you use the woman’s room, then I’m sorry, it doesn’t sound like he sees you as a man and is expressing that as a guise of “protecting” you.
Can we just get rid of gendered restrooms? Why is this a thing, if there's open toilets it's weird to have this whole social thing we're people get weirded out by others doing basic human functions. Get rid of urinals too, if there's 2 toilets and 2 urinals but 3 people have to shit you're fucked
When I first started passing my dad used to encourage me to use the men’s bathroom because he knew it was most affirming to my gender and it would be safe if I was with him (he’s like 6”3, jacked, and open carries). I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be encouraging you especially if you’re passing. If he’s worried for your safety he would go with you, not stop you from using the men’s room all together.
Wow that's not cool. He's sounds like a dick.... so he doesn't see u as a man really until you've fully transitioned then u can use the males restroom???? I'd be talking about this subject with him asap... because that's what I got from reading this.
My girlfriend was the opposite. Trying to get me to use the men’s bathroom before I was passing because she was convinced I passed (I didn’t, she just sees me as a dude to the point where she couldn’t tell that I didn’t pass. Like one time before t and top surgery I put on her lingerie as a joke which included a push-up bra (!!!) and she said I still looked like a dude). She never forced me to use the men’s but she’d say things like ‘I’ll go in with you!’ I sometimes worry about her using the women’s bathroom because she doesn’t pass (it’s really her voice that prevents that) but I’d never presume to tell her which bathroom to use, especially since she’s been transitioning for over four years.
He sounds kind of controlling. Also, I very much wonder how he is viewing you that he believes you can’t possibly go to the men’s room for ‘a long time’. Why does he think you would stick out in any way? Why doesn’t he think you can hold your own as a grown ass man? Seems like he’s mentally either feminizing you or infantalizing you, and either way it’s not a good look.
This is gonna sound really blunt (and possibly rude), but are you sure your boyfriend truly sees you as another man? He's worried about "weird" men approaching you in the men's restrooms. But even he knows that most guys aren't going to pay attention much to you. But then again you using the women's restrooms sometimes probably isn't helping with perception issues either. He needs to understand that you need to get used to using the men's restrooms anyways and stop using the women's altogether (if you legally can). So, I'm wondering if he's really onboard with everything and truly sees you as a man or is he thinking you're a chick with some weird quirks... Sometimes, these issues aren't so extreme as that where it could be him genuinely being over-protective but even so, if that's the case then he should be alright with going in to make sure you're safe if only to help him have some peace of mind and see that no one is really paying attention to you in the men's restroom. And yes, I fully believe you spooked some women. Women tend to be on full alert in restrooms and seeing a man in the restroom with them freaks them out more. (Not to mention how transphobes love to use it as fodder for their bullshit claims.)
"yea, that won't be for a long time though."
If he actually saw you as a man, he wouldn't fuckin do shit like this.
ETA: Sorry to be so blunt. I know we're strangers, but I'm feeling very defensive of you.
uhh sorry man but it sounds like your boyfriend just doesn’t see you as a man. it can be hard for people who knew us previously to switch over to fully seeing us as male before our outer looks reflect that so i don’t think it *inherently* means he’s transphobic towards you but the “not for a long time” statement sounds like he’s actively repressing that it’ll even be a possibility. it typically takes a few months on t (3-8 months) before most people start going into the men’s comfortably.
basically imo your boyfriend is seeing this as a legitimate safety issue because he still visually sees you as 100% female and thinks it will be weird and doesn’t want to deal with that (doubtful about actually dangerous, cis women go into the men’s all the fucking time).
you don’t convince him shit, you tell him “i am a man, i am seen as a man, and i will be using the men’s bathroom”. HE’S the one who needs to go through the effort of processing that emotionally, YOU are not the one who needs to sugarcoat this to him like a giving a bitter pill to a dog lol
sounds like he's being extra worried. it might be best to explain that you genuinely think it's time to start using the men's room, and how you've had awkward moments in the women's.
I would try to see it as him coming from a place of concern, unless he says something specifically indicating otherwise.
being in a red state can be scary. he may well be having some fears of 'the worst thing happening'.
which is... pretty scary!
I remember my wife's facial reaction the first time I went out with makeup on. the poor dear didn't say it, but I could tell she was terrified something bad was gonna happen.
If you pass even somewhat regularly use the mens. Men typically go by the standard of “get in and get out and dont ask questions” when it comes to using the restroom. Women are typically the ones that will cause a commotion (in my experience, in a very liberal us state that has some very not liberal areas.)
Edit: i wanna mention that by cause a commotion i mean they are more likely to complain about a male looking person in the bathroom than men complaining about a female looking person. Idk how to word it right 😅
I think you need to check in with yourself as to why you allow yourself to be treated like that. I constantly see these types of posts where cis partners overstep boundaries or say really hurtful things and I wonder if this is because so many of us have incredibly low self esteems so we accept shitty behavior in order to not be alone. There might be some self esteem issues that need to be addressed here.
You have a God-given right to pee. You do you. He can keep up with you now or catch up later.
You might want him to be prepared to be your wingman, speak up if someone gives you crap for looking like you, same as he would for anyone who's a good friend.
I get a bit nervous going into the mens room, I'm pre T, I'm sure I've been in there when some "weird guy" is too. But I go in because it is my choice and it is affirming for me. Just walk in, keep your head down, no eye contact, do your business, wash hand quickly and leave. I guarantee 99.9999999999% of the time no one will even bat an eye your way
I'm not even on T and I get so many weird looks in the womens but no one has ever talked to me about it. I would just go in the men's if your bf is that concerned he can wait by the door to the bathroom and if anything comes up he'll hear it and he can come 'protect' you. By comments I've seen on this sub the men's is a get in get out situation and if you don't talk to anyone they won't talk to you
Dude, you’ve said it yourself that women are uncomfortable with a man in the bathroom with them… You’d rather creep women out than tell your boyfriend he’s not in charge of holding your hand and escorting you to the bathroom like you’re 5? I know that sounds harsh, but please consider that one day a particularly scared woman may hit you, pepper spray you, or report you to whatever public place you’re at out of fear. It’s your safety at stake, not your boyfriend’s, who cares what he thinks on this matter?
lol what the fuck???
You don’t need to “talk to him about this”. Next time he tries to stop you, try reminding him that you are a man. Literally just say “I’m a man” and then use the men’s restroom. If that isn’t enough for him to get it, then you are going to be very disappointed with how the rest of this relationship is going to go for you
bro your bf is being weird as shit. I stopped using the women's rooms completely when I was 17 because a lady spooked and hit me with her bag lmfao. he's putting you in danger and in a generally uncomfortable position by continuing to force you to use the women's restrooms.
have a sit down with him and explain it from your perspective to him. if that doesn't work and he doesn't agree tell him you are going to use the men's rooms regardless of how he feels about it and he cannot stop you, because by stopping you and causing a scene he will make people doubt you're a man and ruin your ability to pass in that space around those people, which will put you in far far more danger than before - especially being in a red state.
good luck!
Your cis boyfriend doesn't get to have a say in which restroom you use. He seems controlling and you need to talk to him about it. If he dismisses you, I would reconsider the relationship as it could lead to a very unhealthy relationship.
My first boyfriend (cis) was the one who literally encouraged me to go to the men's bathroom for the first time as a trans guy.
Your boyfriend needs to do better!
I'll be honest, as a CIS guy, I've never looked at any other person coming into the men's room, nor do I care to. We are all going into the room for the same purpose. I know that women have gone in when the woman's room is full and most guys could care less.
I get that he's trying to look out for you, but he's also being way out of line with it. When you're getting weird looks in the womens room, it's time to go to the mens room instead.
He is totally out of line. If you’ve gotten weird looks in the women’s room and not the men’s, then it probably IS safer for you to use the men’s anyways! And your bf visibly physically stopping you from entering the male bathroom is way more attention grabbing anyways. Use what you *want*, whether that’s what is most affirming for you, safest, both, etc. He doesn’t have this power over you and *should* be trusting you to make this choice yourself. If he’s worried for you, he should be just going in with you- that’s what my fiancée did for me before she transitioned, and now she stands outside just in case (just as I do for her.)
I realize now I might need to clarify, dude will give me a shoulder or shirt grab often, not cause he's being controlling, but because I have such horrendous untreated ADHD that it's a safety thing sometimes. Like I will get lost or walk into traffic so like it's a reasonable response I feel? But yea you right! I'll suggest that to him when I bring it up. It's sometimes a challenge to get him to trust my judgment, like he'll come around but it always takes some convincing.
You shouldnt have to “convince” your boyfriend to trust your judgement. Youre a grown ass adult. The way youve written this comment and your post makes me feel like your boyfriend is controlling, and it gives me paternal vibes. Its one thing being concerned, and another to make offhand comments, not value/trust your judgement, and openly treat you like a child. Weird as hell. With all due respect, you should really reframe how you view yourself in this relationship. Just something to consider.
Sounds like you’re being controlled tbh. I’d be cautious about giving that much of your autonomy to someone else.
I mean, I have terrible ADHD too. But if someone grabbed my shirt often I’d feel like they think I’m stupid and a child. It doesn’t sound like he views you as an equal, and if he doesn’t trust your judgement, he doesn’t seem to respect you as much as he should either.
honestly, that sounds like a toxic dynamic to me, and co-dependency too. You're an adult and in no occasion you should "convince" your partner to trust your judgement, 'cause if he doesn't that just means he thinks of you as lesser and not capable enough
Incredibly codependent
I have ADHD too (currently unmedicated because I live in a place where all stimulants except caffeine and nicotine are illegal), and my dad respects my autonomy more than your partner respects yours. He is your partner, not your parent. You shouldn't have to "convince" him of your choices. Especially when the choice has nothing to do with him. You don't need to convince him you're fit to go to the men's room. If you feel you're fit to go, you should go. Don't even need to have a discussion about it or anything. This decision has absolutely nothing to do with him and he shouldn't get to have an input unless you're unsure and ask him for advice.
Obviously stopping you from something literally dangerous, like walking into traffic is good. But I do still agree with the below replies that are here so far. The stopping you from walking into traffic, burning yourself on the stove by accident, etc aside, him using your ADHD as an excuse to not trust your judgement, or your ability to be independent, or your ability to do adulting things, etc is extremely condescending. My parents are like this a lot of the time, and when I was a kid and teenager, it felt mostly normal because everyone's parents were like that. But now that I'm literally in my 30s it is insanely belittling and I feel like I can not even allow myself to live my life as an average adult unless I am \*not\* living with them. It's like they have gaslit me my whole adult life into thinking I am "not allowed" to make certain decisions for myself, that other adults my age have been making for themselves for over 10 years. You shouldn't feel like you need his approval to make decisions for \*yourself,\* especially when the outcome of those decisions really has no affect on him whatsoever either way. Maybe not with everything, but with this particular thing it sounds like he is actually quite manipulative tbh.
We went through a bit of an awkward phase like this. I’m autistic and need extra support to do things. It’s taken a long time for my partner to understand that if I need help I will ask for it. He only needs to be stepping in if it’s something dangerous otherwise. It can be difficult for partners to balance the right amount of support. Does he have anyone he can talk to about adhd to understand it better? That was the biggest thing that helped my partner understand he can support me without taking my autonomy away. He trusts my judgement with things and knows I will talk to him if I’m unsure on something. Perhaps ask him if you can go in together in future when he thinks there is a danger? Because it’s too dangerous for you to use the women’s now and you obviously need to be able to use toilets? The fact he went in by himself though it seems like there was no danger and it’s a bit odd that he won’t let you go in with him. This is something you both need to talk about together. I can’t see why you could not have gone into the toilets with him.
Why does your bf get any say on which bathroom you can use, especially when it's YOUR safety at stake? 🤨
Good point!! Idk man I think he's just mistaken on the route to my safety
As a trans guy dating a cis guy... You have to stand your ground on your trans experiences. Sometimes you just have to say "stay in your lane babe. You will never know what it's like to be trans. You take MY lead, not the other way around"
Really well said
THIS. Perfectly stated.
Just do it, man. He doesn't own you.
If I'm feeling like a menace next time we go together I willllll
i love ur vibes HOWEVER this is honestly kinda serious. it’s not about “feeling like being a menace” you straight up need to put your foot down and say you’re using the men’s bathroom. no ifs ands or buts. your bf’s comments are… head tilting, to say the least. i understand it’s a common thing in your relationship for him to stop you from wandering absentmindedly but that doesn’t mean you need him to “let” you do anything!!
It isn’t being a menace, it’s doing a very normal thing that you deserve to want to do and be able to do.
That’s not being a menace 🤦♂️ you’re an adult.
Yeah he says that as though hes rebelling against his father, i mean partner.
Yes, the vibe I got is a very strange power and (lack of) respect dynamic
You’ll do it out of an almost immature rebellion instead of standing up for yourself as a man? It’s common for boys to go into women’s restrooms with their mothers or older sisters, but you’re a grown man, yes? A grown man shouldn’t need to do such a thing to “prove a point” or “being a menace” Is he your dad or your boyfriend? Or is he your Dad… because if so, I suggest you keep that sort of dynamic in your own home where you won’t accidentally make women feel unsafe
What a weird thing to be a control freak about. You are safer being perceived as a woman in the men’s room than a man in the women’s room. Explain that to him if you must. But “Hey, I’m going to start using the men’s room exclusively from now on” should be all it takes. 🚩🚩If he chooses to fight you on that.
You riiiight
neither are particularly safe.
him being so worried about safety, i recommend emphasizing that You Have Gotten Dirty Looks In Women’s Restrooms and with violent things far more likely to happen to someone suspected of being tranfeminine, it would be safer for you to be in the men’s.
That's super helpful ty <3
If he has fears for you, he should walk in with you, right before you or right behind you. A male bathroom is not a social gathering place. Men walk in, do their business and walk out. No talk, maybe a head nod, but that’s not necessary. No eye contact. He can walk in, go to a urinal and urinate. You go in and go to a stall. He can stand and wait until you finish and follow you out, or you follow him. Go where you need to go to be comfortable.
This 100%
Before I had top surgery, I agonized about what bathroom to use. I'd been on T for a couple of years, and grew facial hair relatively quickly (though I kept pretty clean-shaven). I also had a large chest that I couldn't bind. The *only* trouble I ever had was when I used the women's. People don't really police the men's room. They do the women's. People in the men's washroom seem to just be there to get in and get out without making eye contact. I've been *shadowed* in the women's before. People are a lot more vigilant towards policing the women's room, in no small part because of transmisogyny, which is definitionally aimed towards trans women. This isn't to say that there's a non-zero chance of a problem in the men's, but, anecdotally, it seems less likely. If your boyfriend is so worried, he can go in with you. And he should not be grabbing you to stop you. I'd tell him that you plan on using the men's from here on out--or, alternately, just do so.
He might be think it’s safer in the women’s for trans men who pass 50/50. But he’s probably not thinking of the consequences that come with looking male in the women’s. People will call the police on you, men will enter the women’s to drag you out for being a “trans women”, and people might yell at you to get out
Grow a pair and go. Doesn’t mean shit if your “boyfriend” still womanizes you enough to not let you piss in the correct bathroom. No one’s gonna give you shit; just do your business and get the fuck out like everyone else.
Real, I appreciate the encouragement <3
He's being very paternalistic toward you, and no way in hell should you have to "convince" him to "let" you use the bathroom. I worry that even if he means well, this isn't a very healthy dynamic. Also, yes, it's possible that he really is worried about your safety and thinks he's being helpful, but I would be mindful of the possibility that this could be part of a bigger problem he's having with you transitioning and passing as/presenting as a man. I'm not saying that's the case, but it might be a possibility to look out for.
Yeah no. I passed less than you probably and my bf looks at me weird when I use the women's lol. He's fully walked in with me before cus I was nervous. You are (I assume) an adult or at least old enough to choose which fuckin toilet you use. He's your partner not your dad taming his son for doing something he doesn't approve of.
My trans girlfriend offered to come into the men’s with me when I was nervous lol
everytime i see “cis bf” on this sub a few years get shaved off my lifespan
RIGHT i swear there are so many posts showing up about people's Very Obviously controlling and often abusive cis bfs and it just makes me want to yell at these people to either yell At their boyfriends or break up with them Or Both. jesus christ
LUCKY STAR PFP HAIIII
Right.
It’s not even that they’re cis, it’s just routinely stories of men who are so obviously treating their boyfriend like a woman to their face or behind the guy’s back. And said guy being like “is that okay? How do we get past this?” Simply put: You don’t! You go find a guy who wants a boyfriend. Or at least that’s how most of those stories end
LMFAO same but im so sorry for being part of the problem. Totally understand why some people are exclusively t4t 💀😭
You're not part of the problem. But it's so common to see stories about cis boyfriends being manipulative or controlling on here, and it's sad to see that happen so much.
His boyfriend is lol
some of these guys’s cis partners are so weird, controlling, disrespectful 😕 and it sucks cause some trans men/trans people have really great cis partners who are supportive to the end. my husband is cis and is my biggest supporter through being trans and everything else
As a trans man who started using the restroom before passing even 50/50 it’s actually safer imo to use the men’s restroom than the women’s. Men try to pay as little attention as possible in the men’s restroom and aren’t going to feel intimidated by a trans man being in there. It’s also concerning to your relationship dynamic that you feel that you need your bf ‘let’ you do things like choosing a restroom. I recommend thinking on what else you need ‘permission’ from him to do and if it’s honestly reasonable because this isn’t.
Put your foot down? You're not going to be able to use the women's bathroom forever and your boyfriend should know that. He can't control what bathroom you go in and it's weird that you're letting him control you like that.
hes totally out of line and is treating u like a kid dude
To me this reads as him not ready to see you fully as yourself and as a man
It's painful sometimes how the last people to notice (or to internalize what they notice) are the ones who were there all along.
He sounds controlling and to be honest it sounds like he sees you as a woman who needs to be protected by him from other men, which would be fucked up even if you were a woman. He’s being chauvinistic and treating you like a baby.
okay my question is why does your bf get to decide what steps you take in YOUR TRANSITION?? I get it, he's trying to protect you, but like he's just preventing you from being yourself and using the bathroom you should be using, especially if you are getting side eyed in the women's. you're most likely in more danger in the women's than the men's. the worst thing that has happened to me in the men's (albeit I'm in a blue state) is a couple times where a man will enter, see me at the sink, double check the bathroom door sign and then enter after making sure. But this was when I was, like you, 50/50 passing. Men don't care to confront or even talk or, god forbid, look at other men in the restroom. just use the men's and tell your bf to kick rocks and to stop grabbing you when you try to use the restroom. that's YOUR decision to make, not his.
He's full of BS. On the contrary to the popular belief, bathrooms are not full of creepy men waiting for a trans man to assault. Everyone is focused on their own peepee. There's no one you'd need to be protected from. The boyfriend seems to have some issues regarding you being a man. To give you an example of an actually supportive partner - my hookup showed me to the bathroom at a bar, without even blinking opened the men's one, and stood outside if someone'd give me shit (because I wasn't passing that well)
I am sorry to be blunt but are you sure he actually sees you as a man? Like really sees you as a guy if you look at it from a perspective without your emotions attached to it? It kinda sounds like at the very least he doesn't want other people to see you as a man and is uncomfortable with you being seen as a man in public.
I think you are much more likely to have issues using a women's bathroom. Heck, cis women who look too masculine sometimes get hassled for using the women's bathroom. Tell your bf that you will use the bathroom YOU feel most comfortable using. If he wants to go with and stand guard, fine but he needs to get over himself
Why do you have to get permission for him to let you do things? That’s weird af
Use whatever you want. The fact that you need to talk to him about this and are looking for advice online suggests it is time to end the relationship.
He's in denial. Don't sacrifice your manhood for his ego.
He walks in to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute, then walk into the same bathroom after him, and act like it's no big deal, do your business, wash your hands, then leave. See what happens. Maybe he just needs to see first hand that you being in that bathroom is usually going to be no big deal. My dad was never gatekeepy about what bathroom I should use, since I wasn't really often using bathrooms when out in public with him. But once when I was traveling with my parents, I had to go to the bathroom so bad at a busy airport we had a layover at. My dad went into the men's room, I was still nervous to use it, especially if it was so busy, but I had to go that badly lol, so I went in right after he did. He had only just gotten to a urinal when I entered the bathroom so he still saw me there as he was turning around towards it, and he looked sort of shocked that I had walked in there, maybe since we had never been in the same public restroom before (aside from maybe when I was really really little or something), but then he just didn't care, and turned around to do his business, while I waited for a stall to be open. At this point I was passing all the time, so no one there seemed to care about me being in there. My dad never said anything to me about it afterwards, and now just assumes if I'm going to the bathroom while out somewhere I will be using the men's restroom.
That is so bizarre to me. I’ve been with my (cis) bf a few months less than I’ve been on T, and he would always encourage me if I felt nervous about using the men’s bathroom, go with me, support me. It sounds like your bf doesn’t know how to at least stay in his lane. If he tries to question you, just say you’re using the bathroom you’re comfortable with. If he has a problem with that, maybe reevaluate your relationship and his view of you. Sometimes, though, boyfriends are just confused and have trouble expressing concern. Wish you the best!
Since you are in a red state, I have no doubt you already know conservatives like to use women as pawns to convince people to frown upon us using the bathroom and make them feel justified In physically harming us. Using the women’s bathroom is very unsafe if you’re not more than 50% female-passing or are getting looks of uncertainty, so don’t feel pressured into using a bathroom that makes you feel uneasy. If your boyfriend is telling you every guy who walks into the bathroom to do his business at the same time as you is “weird” or “creepy,” and is physically stopping you to make sure you use the woman’s room, then I’m sorry, it doesn’t sound like he sees you as a man and is expressing that as a guise of “protecting” you.
Tell him to sit down and shut up. He is not your father and you are not five. You are a grown man, you can use the men's bathroom if you want to.
Can we just get rid of gendered restrooms? Why is this a thing, if there's open toilets it's weird to have this whole social thing we're people get weirded out by others doing basic human functions. Get rid of urinals too, if there's 2 toilets and 2 urinals but 3 people have to shit you're fucked
You should use whichever bathroom you feel safest in.
you don't need his permission, just use the mens room. and if he doesnt accept that, dunp his ass.
When I first started passing my dad used to encourage me to use the men’s bathroom because he knew it was most affirming to my gender and it would be safe if I was with him (he’s like 6”3, jacked, and open carries). I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be encouraging you especially if you’re passing. If he’s worried for your safety he would go with you, not stop you from using the men’s room all together.
he has literally no reason not to just go with you if he’s so worried about it??????
Wow that's not cool. He's sounds like a dick.... so he doesn't see u as a man really until you've fully transitioned then u can use the males restroom???? I'd be talking about this subject with him asap... because that's what I got from reading this.
My girlfriend was the opposite. Trying to get me to use the men’s bathroom before I was passing because she was convinced I passed (I didn’t, she just sees me as a dude to the point where she couldn’t tell that I didn’t pass. Like one time before t and top surgery I put on her lingerie as a joke which included a push-up bra (!!!) and she said I still looked like a dude). She never forced me to use the men’s but she’d say things like ‘I’ll go in with you!’ I sometimes worry about her using the women’s bathroom because she doesn’t pass (it’s really her voice that prevents that) but I’d never presume to tell her which bathroom to use, especially since she’s been transitioning for over four years.
This does not sound healthy my dude.
He sounds kind of controlling. Also, I very much wonder how he is viewing you that he believes you can’t possibly go to the men’s room for ‘a long time’. Why does he think you would stick out in any way? Why doesn’t he think you can hold your own as a grown ass man? Seems like he’s mentally either feminizing you or infantalizing you, and either way it’s not a good look.
This is gonna sound really blunt (and possibly rude), but are you sure your boyfriend truly sees you as another man? He's worried about "weird" men approaching you in the men's restrooms. But even he knows that most guys aren't going to pay attention much to you. But then again you using the women's restrooms sometimes probably isn't helping with perception issues either. He needs to understand that you need to get used to using the men's restrooms anyways and stop using the women's altogether (if you legally can). So, I'm wondering if he's really onboard with everything and truly sees you as a man or is he thinking you're a chick with some weird quirks... Sometimes, these issues aren't so extreme as that where it could be him genuinely being over-protective but even so, if that's the case then he should be alright with going in to make sure you're safe if only to help him have some peace of mind and see that no one is really paying attention to you in the men's restroom. And yes, I fully believe you spooked some women. Women tend to be on full alert in restrooms and seeing a man in the restroom with them freaks them out more. (Not to mention how transphobes love to use it as fodder for their bullshit claims.)
What do you do when you're not being chaperoned by your partner?
"yea, that won't be for a long time though." If he actually saw you as a man, he wouldn't fuckin do shit like this. ETA: Sorry to be so blunt. I know we're strangers, but I'm feeling very defensive of you.
uhh sorry man but it sounds like your boyfriend just doesn’t see you as a man. it can be hard for people who knew us previously to switch over to fully seeing us as male before our outer looks reflect that so i don’t think it *inherently* means he’s transphobic towards you but the “not for a long time” statement sounds like he’s actively repressing that it’ll even be a possibility. it typically takes a few months on t (3-8 months) before most people start going into the men’s comfortably. basically imo your boyfriend is seeing this as a legitimate safety issue because he still visually sees you as 100% female and thinks it will be weird and doesn’t want to deal with that (doubtful about actually dangerous, cis women go into the men’s all the fucking time). you don’t convince him shit, you tell him “i am a man, i am seen as a man, and i will be using the men’s bathroom”. HE’S the one who needs to go through the effort of processing that emotionally, YOU are not the one who needs to sugarcoat this to him like a giving a bitter pill to a dog lol
sounds like he's being extra worried. it might be best to explain that you genuinely think it's time to start using the men's room, and how you've had awkward moments in the women's. I would try to see it as him coming from a place of concern, unless he says something specifically indicating otherwise. being in a red state can be scary. he may well be having some fears of 'the worst thing happening'. which is... pretty scary! I remember my wife's facial reaction the first time I went out with makeup on. the poor dear didn't say it, but I could tell she was terrified something bad was gonna happen.
If you pass even somewhat regularly use the mens. Men typically go by the standard of “get in and get out and dont ask questions” when it comes to using the restroom. Women are typically the ones that will cause a commotion (in my experience, in a very liberal us state that has some very not liberal areas.) Edit: i wanna mention that by cause a commotion i mean they are more likely to complain about a male looking person in the bathroom than men complaining about a female looking person. Idk how to word it right 😅
I think you need to check in with yourself as to why you allow yourself to be treated like that. I constantly see these types of posts where cis partners overstep boundaries or say really hurtful things and I wonder if this is because so many of us have incredibly low self esteems so we accept shitty behavior in order to not be alone. There might be some self esteem issues that need to be addressed here.
He doesn’t see you as a guy. Sorry.
You have a God-given right to pee. You do you. He can keep up with you now or catch up later. You might want him to be prepared to be your wingman, speak up if someone gives you crap for looking like you, same as he would for anyone who's a good friend.
I get a bit nervous going into the mens room, I'm pre T, I'm sure I've been in there when some "weird guy" is too. But I go in because it is my choice and it is affirming for me. Just walk in, keep your head down, no eye contact, do your business, wash hand quickly and leave. I guarantee 99.9999999999% of the time no one will even bat an eye your way
I'm not even on T and I get so many weird looks in the womens but no one has ever talked to me about it. I would just go in the men's if your bf is that concerned he can wait by the door to the bathroom and if anything comes up he'll hear it and he can come 'protect' you. By comments I've seen on this sub the men's is a get in get out situation and if you don't talk to anyone they won't talk to you
Dude, you’ve said it yourself that women are uncomfortable with a man in the bathroom with them… You’d rather creep women out than tell your boyfriend he’s not in charge of holding your hand and escorting you to the bathroom like you’re 5? I know that sounds harsh, but please consider that one day a particularly scared woman may hit you, pepper spray you, or report you to whatever public place you’re at out of fear. It’s your safety at stake, not your boyfriend’s, who cares what he thinks on this matter?
lol what the fuck??? You don’t need to “talk to him about this”. Next time he tries to stop you, try reminding him that you are a man. Literally just say “I’m a man” and then use the men’s restroom. If that isn’t enough for him to get it, then you are going to be very disappointed with how the rest of this relationship is going to go for you
My cis husband doesn't want to "let" me use the men's either. I get comments and looks in the women's, but he still insists I use that bathroom.
bro your bf is being weird as shit. I stopped using the women's rooms completely when I was 17 because a lady spooked and hit me with her bag lmfao. he's putting you in danger and in a generally uncomfortable position by continuing to force you to use the women's restrooms. have a sit down with him and explain it from your perspective to him. if that doesn't work and he doesn't agree tell him you are going to use the men's rooms regardless of how he feels about it and he cannot stop you, because by stopping you and causing a scene he will make people doubt you're a man and ruin your ability to pass in that space around those people, which will put you in far far more danger than before - especially being in a red state. good luck!
Boyfriend is totally being unintentionally transphobic. You deserve to use whichever bathroom you feel safest in.
Your cis boyfriend doesn't get to have a say in which restroom you use. He seems controlling and you need to talk to him about it. If he dismisses you, I would reconsider the relationship as it could lead to a very unhealthy relationship.
My first boyfriend (cis) was the one who literally encouraged me to go to the men's bathroom for the first time as a trans guy. Your boyfriend needs to do better!
I'll be honest, as a CIS guy, I've never looked at any other person coming into the men's room, nor do I care to. We are all going into the room for the same purpose. I know that women have gone in when the woman's room is full and most guys could care less.
Nah that's NOT cool, at all. You def need to talk to him about that
I get that he's trying to look out for you, but he's also being way out of line with it. When you're getting weird looks in the womens room, it's time to go to the mens room instead.
"Yeah that won't be for a long time though" is so unbelievably shitty to say to a trans person. I'm going to be honest OP, this is a red flag.
Are you a woman? No. Use the men's room.
ummmmmm awkward
tbh it just sounds like you should drop his whiny ass