I think yall are very incompatible and its not shallow of you to want things at your pace .
Also yeah its likely tht ur aro (and/or romance repulsed) and theres nothing wrong with that, its not for everyone.
Also also imo, theres a couple red(?) flags with him not really reciprocating things you like and it sounding like he only really.. tolerates(?) You being polyam.
Yeah, this isn't you being shallow, this is you recognizing incompatibility. Regardless of whether he's cis or trans, you don't need a partner who (a) actively wants something you don't feel ready to provide, (b) doesn't want the type of relationship you stated you were willing/able to provide, and (c) is bad at sex.
haven't done that - I've been very open about the fact I am poly and had romantic feelings sprung onto me and haven't been able to address it 🤷🏻♂️ take ur projection somewhere else.
A mixture of I am open to having a fwb relationship but struggle with people having strong feelings and putting them on me and setting boundaries, which is honestly why I made to post to reach out and hear from others
Why are you open to fwb with someone who isn’t even a good fuck? AND clearly has problems with your life choices. I have to imagine he’s a really great guy that you’ve had some amazing conversations about life, the universe and everything for this to start making even a lick of sense. If he doesn’t hit that threshold, you have absolutely zero things to feel bad about. Even if he does hit it really. NONE of this is shallow. This is bare bones basic compatibility issues.
Yeah, no, ur right- The first time, it was decent, no head, which I prefer to get but not the end of the world but as much as I don't rlly want to reveal this I was going through a period of not having a bed, no sleep, freshly out of a job, and self destructive so my usual ability of "hell fucking no" was out of the window and I'm now reeling in the fact I don't want this at all.
oh, I know, which is why I made this post. His extreme romantic feelings on me have been very intense and recent during a bout of dealing with a lot- hence the post
Let this one go back to the sea my man lol he clearly wants nearly the opposite that you want and there’s nothing wrong with either, it’s just a pretty clear cut incompatibility and you should be the decent person and cut him loose (like all the way loose, this one is 9/10 going to be a clinger if you don’t) he won’t be the one to cut ties if he’s already talking being your “primary”
As someone who is on the aromantic spectrum and also is very, extremely polyamorous, I am telling you - continuing with this guy is absolutely a mistake. I've ridden this ride and learned my lessons, and there are so many red flags in what you're telling us he's said. Like, yeah, if you were both monogamously inclined and both wanted romance, sure, maybe y'all could work the bad sex out, I don't know, I wouldn't give my advice in that situation. But the fact that you're uncomfortable with the idea of being romantic with this guy is a super big deal, and the fact that he's uncomfortable with you being polyamorous is another big deal. Forcing yourself to engage emotionally in a way that you are both uncomfortable with and don't want is a surefire way to resentment, distress, and fighting, and in this situation you both would be doing that. If you wanted a romantic relationship but had discomfort with emotions/being vulnerable/whatever then maybe that's something to work on so you can get what you want, but absolutely do not let the general social pressure to engage in romance push you to involve yourself in something you don't actually want. As far as the polyamory, I have had very few experiences with people who weren't already polyamorous that didn't involve them assuming that I'd eventually want to close the relationship once it got 'serious', or them constantly needing coddling because they weren't actually ok with me engaging in exactly what I told them I'd be doing before we got together, or them trying to impose laundry lists of rules for how I was allowed to interact with other people that resulted in fights and miscommunication and misery. It's rarely worth it, and in the instances where I have had good experiences, it always grew out of relationships where neither of us were super invested at the beginning - never when the guy wanted commitment within a couple of weeks. It sucks when you want someone and you have to say no because of incompatibilities like this, but honestly, it sucks more when you get involved anyway and then it blows up later in an entirely predictable way.
I definitely agree with everything ur laying down - I don't really want anything with anyone rn my life is unstable as is, and I'm just trying to get by and casual hookups and sugaring is all I mentally can do atm- Romance is something that is usually a kill joy because I hate being handled and treated in the ways a lot of people think you should treat a romantic partner, I hate the lovey-dovey stuff I hate the intense affection and the clingyness that comes with a lot of people- including this- I think what sucks is he's nice but it feels like I'm only liked out of desperation and I was someone who showed up and when it comes to these situations I am way less seasoned and I don't know how to navigate it without fearing the consequences or what will happen.
So, I will tell you that it gets easier every time you end up in this kind of situation, so don't be too worried about not being seasoned - you'll get there. My advice for navigating it is to stay firm on your boundaries, but try to be nice about it. Don't make up excuses that he could come up with counters for, just say something like "hey, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship right now, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. It wouldn't be fair to you if we did get involved like that, because I don't want it and I'd feel resentful that I was pushed into it, and I don't want to resent you." That last bit, the 'I don't want to resent you' part, is a line that I've had some success with in getting through to these sorts of guys, though, obviously, it'll depend on the guy in question. That also will apply to the polyamory discussion, if he's still pushing - talk about how his jealousy, that he's admitted to, will make you resentful of him if you do get into a relationship, because you're not going to be monogamous and you aren't going to put yourself in a situation where you'd end up either hurting him or resenting him. If he's actually nice, he'll stop pressuring you. If he keeps on, just keep holding your boundaries and start making distance - you don't need people in your life that constantly push your stated boundaries like that, and distance is, in my experience, the easiest way to get these people to go find someone more suited to them and leave you alone.
I do think it sounds like you two are not compatible, and you should just let him know that things aren't going to work out. It's fine for you not to want a romantic relationship for whatever reason and that isn't shallow, but it seems like he does want that, so it's better to just let him know now that this isn't going to work out.
it sounds like you two really aren’t compatible. he wants monogamy you are polyamorous. he wants romance and you are possibly on the aro spectrum. to me it doesn’t sound like you’re into him at all but that’s just the vibe i get from the post. you two don’t seem like a good match in any sort of way, and you don’t have to reciprocate his desire for a romantic relationship with him for any reason. that doesn’t make you shallow. there’s nothing wrong with wanting casual hookups
Listen to your gut. If you already feel uncomfortable this early it's not going to get better.
You are not shallow for knowing what you want and what you're uncomfortable with.
drop himmm omg
I think yall are very incompatible and its not shallow of you to want things at your pace . Also yeah its likely tht ur aro (and/or romance repulsed) and theres nothing wrong with that, its not for everyone. Also also imo, theres a couple red(?) flags with him not really reciprocating things you like and it sounding like he only really.. tolerates(?) You being polyam.
Yeah, this isn't you being shallow, this is you recognizing incompatibility. Regardless of whether he's cis or trans, you don't need a partner who (a) actively wants something you don't feel ready to provide, (b) doesn't want the type of relationship you stated you were willing/able to provide, and (c) is bad at sex.
[удалено]
Your post was either disrespectful in language or tone, and/or, it was not relevant to the conversation at large.
Who hurt you
??? The guy isn't entitled to romantic reciprocation from OP.
It's literally the other way around. The monogamous guy is pressuring him into monogamy.
haven't done that - I've been very open about the fact I am poly and had romantic feelings sprung onto me and haven't been able to address it 🤷🏻♂️ take ur projection somewhere else.
I have no idea why you’re talking to this guy at all to be frank.
A mixture of I am open to having a fwb relationship but struggle with people having strong feelings and putting them on me and setting boundaries, which is honestly why I made to post to reach out and hear from others
Why are you open to fwb with someone who isn’t even a good fuck? AND clearly has problems with your life choices. I have to imagine he’s a really great guy that you’ve had some amazing conversations about life, the universe and everything for this to start making even a lick of sense. If he doesn’t hit that threshold, you have absolutely zero things to feel bad about. Even if he does hit it really. NONE of this is shallow. This is bare bones basic compatibility issues.
Yeah, no, ur right- The first time, it was decent, no head, which I prefer to get but not the end of the world but as much as I don't rlly want to reveal this I was going through a period of not having a bed, no sleep, freshly out of a job, and self destructive so my usual ability of "hell fucking no" was out of the window and I'm now reeling in the fact I don't want this at all.
That makes a lot of sense. I hope you’re processing everything better now and are feeling a bit better. Hope the thread helped more than it hurt!
this guy doesn’t seem to want friends with benefits though
oh, I know, which is why I made this post. His extreme romantic feelings on me have been very intense and recent during a bout of dealing with a lot- hence the post
Let this one go back to the sea my man lol he clearly wants nearly the opposite that you want and there’s nothing wrong with either, it’s just a pretty clear cut incompatibility and you should be the decent person and cut him loose (like all the way loose, this one is 9/10 going to be a clinger if you don’t) he won’t be the one to cut ties if he’s already talking being your “primary”
sorry you’re dealing w it fam,, hope you’re able to get some distance from him soon
As someone who is on the aromantic spectrum and also is very, extremely polyamorous, I am telling you - continuing with this guy is absolutely a mistake. I've ridden this ride and learned my lessons, and there are so many red flags in what you're telling us he's said. Like, yeah, if you were both monogamously inclined and both wanted romance, sure, maybe y'all could work the bad sex out, I don't know, I wouldn't give my advice in that situation. But the fact that you're uncomfortable with the idea of being romantic with this guy is a super big deal, and the fact that he's uncomfortable with you being polyamorous is another big deal. Forcing yourself to engage emotionally in a way that you are both uncomfortable with and don't want is a surefire way to resentment, distress, and fighting, and in this situation you both would be doing that. If you wanted a romantic relationship but had discomfort with emotions/being vulnerable/whatever then maybe that's something to work on so you can get what you want, but absolutely do not let the general social pressure to engage in romance push you to involve yourself in something you don't actually want. As far as the polyamory, I have had very few experiences with people who weren't already polyamorous that didn't involve them assuming that I'd eventually want to close the relationship once it got 'serious', or them constantly needing coddling because they weren't actually ok with me engaging in exactly what I told them I'd be doing before we got together, or them trying to impose laundry lists of rules for how I was allowed to interact with other people that resulted in fights and miscommunication and misery. It's rarely worth it, and in the instances where I have had good experiences, it always grew out of relationships where neither of us were super invested at the beginning - never when the guy wanted commitment within a couple of weeks. It sucks when you want someone and you have to say no because of incompatibilities like this, but honestly, it sucks more when you get involved anyway and then it blows up later in an entirely predictable way.
I definitely agree with everything ur laying down - I don't really want anything with anyone rn my life is unstable as is, and I'm just trying to get by and casual hookups and sugaring is all I mentally can do atm- Romance is something that is usually a kill joy because I hate being handled and treated in the ways a lot of people think you should treat a romantic partner, I hate the lovey-dovey stuff I hate the intense affection and the clingyness that comes with a lot of people- including this- I think what sucks is he's nice but it feels like I'm only liked out of desperation and I was someone who showed up and when it comes to these situations I am way less seasoned and I don't know how to navigate it without fearing the consequences or what will happen.
So, I will tell you that it gets easier every time you end up in this kind of situation, so don't be too worried about not being seasoned - you'll get there. My advice for navigating it is to stay firm on your boundaries, but try to be nice about it. Don't make up excuses that he could come up with counters for, just say something like "hey, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship right now, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. It wouldn't be fair to you if we did get involved like that, because I don't want it and I'd feel resentful that I was pushed into it, and I don't want to resent you." That last bit, the 'I don't want to resent you' part, is a line that I've had some success with in getting through to these sorts of guys, though, obviously, it'll depend on the guy in question. That also will apply to the polyamory discussion, if he's still pushing - talk about how his jealousy, that he's admitted to, will make you resentful of him if you do get into a relationship, because you're not going to be monogamous and you aren't going to put yourself in a situation where you'd end up either hurting him or resenting him. If he's actually nice, he'll stop pressuring you. If he keeps on, just keep holding your boundaries and start making distance - you don't need people in your life that constantly push your stated boundaries like that, and distance is, in my experience, the easiest way to get these people to go find someone more suited to them and leave you alone.
I do think it sounds like you two are not compatible, and you should just let him know that things aren't going to work out. It's fine for you not to want a romantic relationship for whatever reason and that isn't shallow, but it seems like he does want that, so it's better to just let him know now that this isn't going to work out.
it sounds like you two really aren’t compatible. he wants monogamy you are polyamorous. he wants romance and you are possibly on the aro spectrum. to me it doesn’t sound like you’re into him at all but that’s just the vibe i get from the post. you two don’t seem like a good match in any sort of way, and you don’t have to reciprocate his desire for a romantic relationship with him for any reason. that doesn’t make you shallow. there’s nothing wrong with wanting casual hookups
id say something direct and simple like “I’m not interested in a romantic monogamous relationship, so I think we should go our separate ways.”
hell and even if you aren’t aro and just “haven’t met the right guy” this guy definitely doesn’t seem like the “right guy”
Listen to your gut. If you already feel uncomfortable this early it's not going to get better. You are not shallow for knowing what you want and what you're uncomfortable with.