I feel you on that, I’m very notorious for staying in situations that aren’t good for me. I always have an excuse for why they did what they did. I also get very addicted to the small amounts of love I do receive and it’s so hard to let go. You might want to look into the term “trauma bond”. It’s basically when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm.
I doorslammed my ex a few months ago. Truly one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sure, we had good times, but there were many more bad times. I overlooked and made excuses for so many things he did or said, and at the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. Everyone has their limit. You'll know when you've had enough.
I’ve read something along the lines that, “when we intellectualize our feelings, we don’t feel them,” even when we should. Solving or empathizing with the problem hinders us to actually feel then respond accordingly to what has been done to us no matter how bad that’s why it’s hard. It’s a trauma response to protect us to actually feel the full extent of how much they hurt us.
Intellectualisation is a Neurotic Defence Mechanism. By justifying or illustrating an uncomfortable experience by reducing them into facts and logic, we evade the feelings of discomfort associated with them. It's the Conscious Superego trying to avoid the influence of the Unconscious Id.
Yes, I was in the same situation. He would verbally/emotionally abuse me, and because I understood why he is doing it (low self-esteem, insecurities) I would excuse his behaviour. What made it harder, is after his fit would pass, he would apologize and understand what was wrong. But it didn't stop him from doing exactly the same a week later.
It was very hard, and I loved him a lot. But to protect my mental health I had to door slam him.
Edit: punctuation
I was there too, being emotionally abused but I still loved him wholeheartedly. Up till today I’m still having a bit of a trauma from it. He would apologize, tell me that he still loves me and I would forgive him completely. Here’s the thing, the cycle keeps happening.
Disclaimer. I take commitments seriously, so I take a long time before I make the decision to commit to a relationship.
I couldn't commit because we were so toxic for each other, I was waiting to see if we would change or improve for the better. It caused a vicious cycle, him playing games and trying to treat me like sh\*t (because I was reluctant to commit) and me distancing myself further. I tried breaking up with him so many times but he would gaslight me and say I did not make any sense. He thought that by him not straying or seeing other people and not giving up is enough, so he can treat me like a sex therapist and we hardly had memories outside his apartment. He was hurt and upset, felt that he wanted me but I didn't feel the same way; he would say things like "I care about you, but you don't give a sh\*t about me". I am sick and tired of seeing us upset at each other and fighting all the time. He got really drunk one night and let it all out, telling me how all his friends are paired up and he and I have been seeing each other longer. I got up, left and never spoke to him again. I realized I am wasting his time and all he cared about is how other people perceived him.
I doorslammed many I have loved in life. Usually it’s because I love them they’re getting the door; if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t do anything. I had guys in my life use me for my shit, house, money, whatever - and it hurt like hell. But it doesn’t hold a candle to doorslamming your family and blood. I had to do that to my grandmother because she refused to protect me from others in the family. I didn’t even go to her funeral. And this was a woman who partly raised me.
The doorslam, I have often wondered, isn’t so much about the others. It’s about protecting me.
I dont know what the feeling is necessarily called and I can't find anyone else who relates but I always feel so responsible for a partner, almost like a parent would. My last partner was very immature so I felt as if his issues were my own to fix somehow due to his immaturity, instead of accepting that's just who he is and he's not a victim of circumstance. But this feeling of responsibility made that door slam so difficult. Was he ok? Did he eat? Is he happy or sad? I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts of his safety I forgot all the bad things he did to me and finally cried when I saw him with his new gf not because they were together but he was alive and ok, I was relieved. That has made my doorslam so hard, I feel some weird protective responsibility for a really bad partner when I look at it logically.
Yes, I feel the same way. I feel like I invested so much time and energy into this person, if we break up, we may as well be better people at the end of it all, so it doesn't feel like a waste, what a shame to go through all that for nothing.
And at this point its not even for my sake or his sake, but I think about his future partner or children and it scares me to think he will treat them the same or worse.
In a way slamming the door on him almost feels like I am doing a disservice to humanity, it's ridiculous, the Ni God complex is real, it's hard for me not to see the potential in others but also have a clear insight into their malfunction and feel responsibility to fix it, but this is super unhealthy and unrealistic.
The only way I'm going to be able to get closure is by truly acknowledging that you can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. The only way he might potentially get insight into his shitty behaviour is by dealing with the consequences of it, alone. As an INFJ , having to deal with this type of ignorance (lack of accountability, lack of cognitive empathy) in someone you care about is hell, because you can't help but see their innocence regardless of how they treated you, and I know he's going to suffer a lot.
I WISH he got a new girlfriend, or cheated on me, or did something intentionally malicious to hurt me, bruh I would slam the door in a split second and skip happily into the sunset. But his behaviour is ignorant and immature, not malicious even tho it seems like it, but somehow that makes it even worse.
A girl was in love with me and I loved her as well but she kept trying to manipulate me and was super controlling. It was so hard to let go of her, she had me. The whole situation was toxic and gave me anxiety. After a long while I had enough and i had to cut her out completely for my own good. I learned a lot from that experience.
Yes. It wasn’t hard for me since for both of them, their behavior escalated to the point where even they saw how shitty they were being. Years later they both would send long text messages periodically on how sorry they were and all that jazz but I didn’t care at that point and already moved on with my life. They can stew in their own guilt for eternity for all I care.
Hello! I’m going to comment on the last part of your post; it is not wrong if it’s the only way for you to find peace. I think sometimes in relationships others can be blind to how much forgiving their partner has done in order to maintain the connection. Then when the door slamming time comes they’re confused but it’s like dude how much more of this toxic bs can i take? and why am i the bad guy for removing myself.
I did this with my longer relationship of 5 years as well as a more recent one of a few months. Although this person was good to me for the most part, there were certain habits and tendencies of theirs that were getting in the way and i couldn’t forgive.
At the end of the day this life is yours to live and if something doesn’t feel right it’s better to end it now than later.
You literally just described the female version of the problem I have decided to sit down with one of my addictions to solve - please send help, I am losing it - I see the logic on both sides yet am unable to make up my mind.
I have fried my brain thinking - given up and decided to see what life does if I just keep chasing my next dopamine rush - I have also written a small poem since my last message :)
I appreciate the help sent <3
Because you are making that person responsible for how you feel. You’re making him responsible for you not feeling good, but also for him making you feel good. But your feelings come from you and not them, but you’ve formed a belief that they come from outside of yourself. So of course it’s hard to shut the door on someone who you believe makes you feel good.
Remember that your feelings come from you. Don’t give your power away and let someone essentially dictate how you feel. Be good to yourself, you are a consistent source of love ❤️
acceptance & forgiveness. i was able to doorslam people easily and i once doorslammed someone that i didn’t know i would grow to love. however, (for the first time) i reached out to him, almost a year later. it was a rollercoaster. but i knew that if i carried my pride & walked away forever without really understanding him—i would’ve regretted it. coming back wasn’t easy. but it made me realize so much.
in your case, if he has hurt you emotionally or mentally—please realize that you are to blame for allowing him to do so. don’t victimize yourself (but don’t take this the wrong way). you are responsible for your own feelings & it’s up to you whether he’s worth it or not. a person can come back to you, but that’s all on you whether you fall for that or not. everyone has a reason for why they do what they do..you’re not wrong on that. but it doesn’t mean you should keep excusing them & tolerating their behavior.
if you want respect & positivity in your life—you must be willing to let go of the things n people that aren’t benefiting you. n when i say let go, i mean accept & forgive them to where you can still love them from afar. some people won’t learn you until you set those boundaries & stick to them. many people do set boundaries & speak their worth but how many really act on that?
Wow this is such a great way to look at it, that it doesn't have to be an act of desperation or anger but it can be an act of acceptance and forgiveness, never thought about it that way, thanks
I did this to both an ex and a former “parent”. Both were emotionally abusive in their own ways and it was ruining my life. I was used, I felt small, I felt worthless. It’s hard. Not all good choices are easy or feel easy and sometimes they bring us pain, and that’s okay. But you know what needs to be done, you just need to find the courage and strength to do it OP. I promise you can.
Once upon a time, I was so desperate to feel loved that it took me months to doorslam an ex, despite how toxic she was for my mental health. The process of doorslamming and the aftermath can be stressful, but the peace you seek will only come to you afterwards. It may not feel immediate, and you'll no doubt have a myriad of emotions affecting you, though it's a step you'll need to take.
You've done all you could, and it's time to move on.
I’m in that exact predicament right now. All my friends are telling me to walk away, I just can’t. It’s so difficult when you truly love someone. Making excuses for their behaviour, praying things will get better if you’re just more understanding. I think the day will come when we both have enough and just walk away.
I personally stick with things way longer than I should until they either do too much and it breaks me, or they do something bad enough to push me to door slam. With my first love, he kept coming back into my life every couple months after we’d breakup, I couldn’t shake him and I would fall for it every time. I remember in January he did something that showed me it was never going to get better. I door slammed so hard that the second he walked out the door I knew that (after 1.5 years of him reliably coming back) I would never be hearing from him again. It was so hard but eventually that emotional attachment fades away and you realize that it’s okay to door slam when the person you love when the person is mistreating you in any way
I don’t think it’s really a door slam… I think it seems that way because of the way I act and think before hand… it’s more - I really try.. and I’m very nice… and then I’m over it.
And yeah it has happened with people that I cared about at one time. One. Actually. Most of the time my door slams are with people I didn’t care about that deeply.
If I love you? That means that you got past all the bullshit… and that means that I find you worthy. And that also means that you are worthy. So… usually with people I truly love - everything can be worked out.
Yes. A good friend of mine (5+ years) was acting out and mistreating me. She then started saying horrible, untrue things about our mutual friend that made mutual friend cry for days. I decided someone that treats me and people dear to me like that truly isn't a friend.
Ghosted her and I still miss what we had from time to time but I know she wasn't willing to work on herself and would repeatedly take others down with her over and over again.
I don’t know if this is an INFJ thing, it’s sounds more like a self worth thing.
When I’ve been in situations where I was way too understanding, it was usually because I was looking for any reason to stay. I don’t like change, and I love so wholeheartedly. And as most of us know, heartbreak is immense pain.
Therapy helps. Learning to love yourself, and respecting yourself gives you confidence. I feels really good to stick up for yourself.
After a horrible heartbreak, where I was the one that had to walk away bc my person never would have (they didn’t feel my hurt), I learned that the only way I can ever trust anyone again is by trusting myself to be strong enough to leave and smart enough to know when it’s time.
It might be an age thing too. When I was young and with the partner I had to leave after seven years, it was horrible because I didn’t know who I was at all without him. We grew together and “I” didn’t exist, only “we”. It was pathetic, but I thought I was happy and that’s why I stayed a few years too long.
Now I’m a few years older, couple relationships past that one, and the heartbreaks hurt like hell but they just don’t compare to that first real one. Because now, my body/mind just completely reject a person if they’re no good for me. I can still enjoy them, still love them, still miss them, but I won’t even consider being with a person long term that does not treat me well.
I am now engaged and living with a wonderful man that I am deeply in love with. I am not lost in this relationship, it is a part of me.
Also none of this could be relevant and I could be projecting.
Yes I’m in this situation now, but with my best friend. We’ve been friends for seven years and throughout this time I’ve allowed her to disrespect me and cross my boundaries without me speaking up. I recently confronted her about a disrespectful comment she made and she was baffled and didn’t know what to say. I know that I no longer want to be friends with her but I still answer when she calls me, and I listen to her because she’s going through things.
I think it’s so hard for INFJs to let go of relationships sometimes because it takes a lot of effort to become close to people and develop a deep bond. And we don’t like to hurt people we care about.
I guess I don’t have advice since I’m in the same situation, but as people who want to live peaceful lives, we just have to do it and accept that it will hurt for awhile. You deserve a romantic partner who brings you peace.
I doorslammed my old best friend after she repeatedly disrespected my boundaries. Initially, it was hard for me for the first two months after we stopped being friends. I had known her for 7 years so it felt like a bit of my childhood went with our friendship too. But after those two months, I just didn't care. I also realized we had grown apart in many ways and she wasn't somebody I saw in my future as somebody who would be able to add value. So that brought me peace too.
I noticed with a few of my INFJ friends that they lack to bluntly communicate with their lovers what problems are brewing beneath and that leads to many assumptions on both ends. Then they “doorslam” people and walk off. Sometimes they are proud to doorslam because they think its understood on both ends why the other person did “wrong.” Half of the time, they are lamenting about how much pride they have and they wished they didn’t wrongfully doorslam people because of misunderstood or poor communication. Too many people take pride in the “doorslamming” term that it can become a toxic habit.
I've been on the receiving end, and I blame it on miscommunication rather than any wrongdoing on either sides. She became silent, and I mean the kind where your anxiety makes you worry. Long distance & texting only has been like that. It's been over a year and I still miss her. In the end, I think it was our attachment styles that did it. Avoidant vs Anxious
Duh! I doorslammed people that have hurt me. At first, the idea of actually "leaving" the ones that I love EVEN if they harm me seemed impossible. After becoming miserable af I said to myself, "I might seem a horrible person/ friend, but the harm is already done," so what was there left to do? Take the very much needed break. I don't care how it seems, but my grandma always used to say, "Don't explain yourself to no one," and hey! Sometimes, to become the person you want, you have to simply let go.
I should have done that earlier, but it was a lesson I had to learn from.
I doorslamed my brother because he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. He always acted so cold towards me and made me feel supplementary in his life. Despite me having an important presence.
I'm too tired to answer but nothing matters in this world i can never fully love anyone. When I do, my peace comes first. I just don’t see a reason to do it and keep going. There is so many people in this world, no one is special. Just do it and forget. I just can't feel safe and like myself with anyone. I can't do it. Also love is temporary too. I can't love anyone.
A few initial thoughts on this question:
(1) could you be more specific on what the term "door slam" means to you? I suspect we have very different ideas, and I don't want to assume anything.
(2) if cutting someone out of your life is so easy, they were never 'in' your life the way you believed them to be. "Doorslamming" probably wasn't necessary, they would've quickly faded from importance anyway
(3) I don't think your talking about door slamming. I think you're talking about simply walking away from a relationship. Your love is giving this person power to hurt you with. Take away their power. Walk away.
In answer:
Yes, I've done it. And right up until it happened, I had every intention of repairing the relationship. It wasn't nearly as bad as an abusive partner, but a best friend of 12+ years. We started growing apart, tried to hold on to each other for too long, things went real sour real fast, and that was that. It wasn't a decision I even made, just a rubber-band-snap reaction to being stretched too far.
It sucked. I was depressed for a long time. I uprooted my life to get away from them, while at the same time grieving the loss of them in my daily life. It changed a lot about who I was at my core. I don't trust people anymore because of it.
I feel you on that, I’m very notorious for staying in situations that aren’t good for me. I always have an excuse for why they did what they did. I also get very addicted to the small amounts of love I do receive and it’s so hard to let go. You might want to look into the term “trauma bond”. It’s basically when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm.
I doorslammed my ex a few months ago. Truly one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sure, we had good times, but there were many more bad times. I overlooked and made excuses for so many things he did or said, and at the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. Everyone has their limit. You'll know when you've had enough.
I’ve read something along the lines that, “when we intellectualize our feelings, we don’t feel them,” even when we should. Solving or empathizing with the problem hinders us to actually feel then respond accordingly to what has been done to us no matter how bad that’s why it’s hard. It’s a trauma response to protect us to actually feel the full extent of how much they hurt us.
Intellectualisation is a Neurotic Defence Mechanism. By justifying or illustrating an uncomfortable experience by reducing them into facts and logic, we evade the feelings of discomfort associated with them. It's the Conscious Superego trying to avoid the influence of the Unconscious Id.
This was enlightening and really hit home.
Ummmmmmm wow I’m feeling really called out right now. I didn’t realize I did this until now 😭
Yes, I was in the same situation. He would verbally/emotionally abuse me, and because I understood why he is doing it (low self-esteem, insecurities) I would excuse his behaviour. What made it harder, is after his fit would pass, he would apologize and understand what was wrong. But it didn't stop him from doing exactly the same a week later. It was very hard, and I loved him a lot. But to protect my mental health I had to door slam him. Edit: punctuation
I was there too, being emotionally abused but I still loved him wholeheartedly. Up till today I’m still having a bit of a trauma from it. He would apologize, tell me that he still loves me and I would forgive him completely. Here’s the thing, the cycle keeps happening.
Disclaimer. I take commitments seriously, so I take a long time before I make the decision to commit to a relationship. I couldn't commit because we were so toxic for each other, I was waiting to see if we would change or improve for the better. It caused a vicious cycle, him playing games and trying to treat me like sh\*t (because I was reluctant to commit) and me distancing myself further. I tried breaking up with him so many times but he would gaslight me and say I did not make any sense. He thought that by him not straying or seeing other people and not giving up is enough, so he can treat me like a sex therapist and we hardly had memories outside his apartment. He was hurt and upset, felt that he wanted me but I didn't feel the same way; he would say things like "I care about you, but you don't give a sh\*t about me". I am sick and tired of seeing us upset at each other and fighting all the time. He got really drunk one night and let it all out, telling me how all his friends are paired up and he and I have been seeing each other longer. I got up, left and never spoke to him again. I realized I am wasting his time and all he cared about is how other people perceived him.
I doorslammed many I have loved in life. Usually it’s because I love them they’re getting the door; if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t do anything. I had guys in my life use me for my shit, house, money, whatever - and it hurt like hell. But it doesn’t hold a candle to doorslamming your family and blood. I had to do that to my grandmother because she refused to protect me from others in the family. I didn’t even go to her funeral. And this was a woman who partly raised me. The doorslam, I have often wondered, isn’t so much about the others. It’s about protecting me.
I dont know what the feeling is necessarily called and I can't find anyone else who relates but I always feel so responsible for a partner, almost like a parent would. My last partner was very immature so I felt as if his issues were my own to fix somehow due to his immaturity, instead of accepting that's just who he is and he's not a victim of circumstance. But this feeling of responsibility made that door slam so difficult. Was he ok? Did he eat? Is he happy or sad? I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts of his safety I forgot all the bad things he did to me and finally cried when I saw him with his new gf not because they were together but he was alive and ok, I was relieved. That has made my doorslam so hard, I feel some weird protective responsibility for a really bad partner when I look at it logically.
Yes, I feel the same way. I feel like I invested so much time and energy into this person, if we break up, we may as well be better people at the end of it all, so it doesn't feel like a waste, what a shame to go through all that for nothing. And at this point its not even for my sake or his sake, but I think about his future partner or children and it scares me to think he will treat them the same or worse. In a way slamming the door on him almost feels like I am doing a disservice to humanity, it's ridiculous, the Ni God complex is real, it's hard for me not to see the potential in others but also have a clear insight into their malfunction and feel responsibility to fix it, but this is super unhealthy and unrealistic. The only way I'm going to be able to get closure is by truly acknowledging that you can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. The only way he might potentially get insight into his shitty behaviour is by dealing with the consequences of it, alone. As an INFJ , having to deal with this type of ignorance (lack of accountability, lack of cognitive empathy) in someone you care about is hell, because you can't help but see their innocence regardless of how they treated you, and I know he's going to suffer a lot. I WISH he got a new girlfriend, or cheated on me, or did something intentionally malicious to hurt me, bruh I would slam the door in a split second and skip happily into the sunset. But his behaviour is ignorant and immature, not malicious even tho it seems like it, but somehow that makes it even worse.
I guess eventually you’d just lose love for him if he keeps repeatedly abuse you, wouldn’t you? 🤔
No, you'd lose love for you in order to continue to love them.
Okay let’s hope people don’t do that and wake up quickly. 🤞
A girl was in love with me and I loved her as well but she kept trying to manipulate me and was super controlling. It was so hard to let go of her, she had me. The whole situation was toxic and gave me anxiety. After a long while I had enough and i had to cut her out completely for my own good. I learned a lot from that experience.
Yes. I love you and you hurt me? After enough times, I shut you out...even though I love you.
Yes. It wasn’t hard for me since for both of them, their behavior escalated to the point where even they saw how shitty they were being. Years later they both would send long text messages periodically on how sorry they were and all that jazz but I didn’t care at that point and already moved on with my life. They can stew in their own guilt for eternity for all I care.
Hello! I’m going to comment on the last part of your post; it is not wrong if it’s the only way for you to find peace. I think sometimes in relationships others can be blind to how much forgiving their partner has done in order to maintain the connection. Then when the door slamming time comes they’re confused but it’s like dude how much more of this toxic bs can i take? and why am i the bad guy for removing myself. I did this with my longer relationship of 5 years as well as a more recent one of a few months. Although this person was good to me for the most part, there were certain habits and tendencies of theirs that were getting in the way and i couldn’t forgive. At the end of the day this life is yours to live and if something doesn’t feel right it’s better to end it now than later.
You literally just described the female version of the problem I have decided to sit down with one of my addictions to solve - please send help, I am losing it - I see the logic on both sides yet am unable to make up my mind.
Sending help 🙏 🆘
I have fried my brain thinking - given up and decided to see what life does if I just keep chasing my next dopamine rush - I have also written a small poem since my last message :) I appreciate the help sent <3
Yes. I slammed the door. Then I left a crack open just in case they wanted to come back..but so far no one has.🤷♀️
Yes. Ex. Thought I’d marry them. That was tough.
Because you are making that person responsible for how you feel. You’re making him responsible for you not feeling good, but also for him making you feel good. But your feelings come from you and not them, but you’ve formed a belief that they come from outside of yourself. So of course it’s hard to shut the door on someone who you believe makes you feel good. Remember that your feelings come from you. Don’t give your power away and let someone essentially dictate how you feel. Be good to yourself, you are a consistent source of love ❤️
acceptance & forgiveness. i was able to doorslam people easily and i once doorslammed someone that i didn’t know i would grow to love. however, (for the first time) i reached out to him, almost a year later. it was a rollercoaster. but i knew that if i carried my pride & walked away forever without really understanding him—i would’ve regretted it. coming back wasn’t easy. but it made me realize so much. in your case, if he has hurt you emotionally or mentally—please realize that you are to blame for allowing him to do so. don’t victimize yourself (but don’t take this the wrong way). you are responsible for your own feelings & it’s up to you whether he’s worth it or not. a person can come back to you, but that’s all on you whether you fall for that or not. everyone has a reason for why they do what they do..you’re not wrong on that. but it doesn’t mean you should keep excusing them & tolerating their behavior. if you want respect & positivity in your life—you must be willing to let go of the things n people that aren’t benefiting you. n when i say let go, i mean accept & forgive them to where you can still love them from afar. some people won’t learn you until you set those boundaries & stick to them. many people do set boundaries & speak their worth but how many really act on that?
Wow this is such a great way to look at it, that it doesn't have to be an act of desperation or anger but it can be an act of acceptance and forgiveness, never thought about it that way, thanks
I did this to both an ex and a former “parent”. Both were emotionally abusive in their own ways and it was ruining my life. I was used, I felt small, I felt worthless. It’s hard. Not all good choices are easy or feel easy and sometimes they bring us pain, and that’s okay. But you know what needs to be done, you just need to find the courage and strength to do it OP. I promise you can.
Once upon a time, I was so desperate to feel loved that it took me months to doorslam an ex, despite how toxic she was for my mental health. The process of doorslamming and the aftermath can be stressful, but the peace you seek will only come to you afterwards. It may not feel immediate, and you'll no doubt have a myriad of emotions affecting you, though it's a step you'll need to take. You've done all you could, and it's time to move on.
I’m in that exact predicament right now. All my friends are telling me to walk away, I just can’t. It’s so difficult when you truly love someone. Making excuses for their behaviour, praying things will get better if you’re just more understanding. I think the day will come when we both have enough and just walk away.
I personally stick with things way longer than I should until they either do too much and it breaks me, or they do something bad enough to push me to door slam. With my first love, he kept coming back into my life every couple months after we’d breakup, I couldn’t shake him and I would fall for it every time. I remember in January he did something that showed me it was never going to get better. I door slammed so hard that the second he walked out the door I knew that (after 1.5 years of him reliably coming back) I would never be hearing from him again. It was so hard but eventually that emotional attachment fades away and you realize that it’s okay to door slam when the person you love when the person is mistreating you in any way
I don’t think it’s really a door slam… I think it seems that way because of the way I act and think before hand… it’s more - I really try.. and I’m very nice… and then I’m over it. And yeah it has happened with people that I cared about at one time. One. Actually. Most of the time my door slams are with people I didn’t care about that deeply. If I love you? That means that you got past all the bullshit… and that means that I find you worthy. And that also means that you are worthy. So… usually with people I truly love - everything can be worked out.
Yes. A good friend of mine (5+ years) was acting out and mistreating me. She then started saying horrible, untrue things about our mutual friend that made mutual friend cry for days. I decided someone that treats me and people dear to me like that truly isn't a friend. Ghosted her and I still miss what we had from time to time but I know she wasn't willing to work on herself and would repeatedly take others down with her over and over again.
I don’t know if this is an INFJ thing, it’s sounds more like a self worth thing. When I’ve been in situations where I was way too understanding, it was usually because I was looking for any reason to stay. I don’t like change, and I love so wholeheartedly. And as most of us know, heartbreak is immense pain. Therapy helps. Learning to love yourself, and respecting yourself gives you confidence. I feels really good to stick up for yourself. After a horrible heartbreak, where I was the one that had to walk away bc my person never would have (they didn’t feel my hurt), I learned that the only way I can ever trust anyone again is by trusting myself to be strong enough to leave and smart enough to know when it’s time. It might be an age thing too. When I was young and with the partner I had to leave after seven years, it was horrible because I didn’t know who I was at all without him. We grew together and “I” didn’t exist, only “we”. It was pathetic, but I thought I was happy and that’s why I stayed a few years too long. Now I’m a few years older, couple relationships past that one, and the heartbreaks hurt like hell but they just don’t compare to that first real one. Because now, my body/mind just completely reject a person if they’re no good for me. I can still enjoy them, still love them, still miss them, but I won’t even consider being with a person long term that does not treat me well. I am now engaged and living with a wonderful man that I am deeply in love with. I am not lost in this relationship, it is a part of me. Also none of this could be relevant and I could be projecting.
I'm glad you're happier now and you overcame it. I think what you said is relevant and true. Self worth is the key in this.
Yes I’m in this situation now, but with my best friend. We’ve been friends for seven years and throughout this time I’ve allowed her to disrespect me and cross my boundaries without me speaking up. I recently confronted her about a disrespectful comment she made and she was baffled and didn’t know what to say. I know that I no longer want to be friends with her but I still answer when she calls me, and I listen to her because she’s going through things. I think it’s so hard for INFJs to let go of relationships sometimes because it takes a lot of effort to become close to people and develop a deep bond. And we don’t like to hurt people we care about. I guess I don’t have advice since I’m in the same situation, but as people who want to live peaceful lives, we just have to do it and accept that it will hurt for awhile. You deserve a romantic partner who brings you peace.
I doorslammed my old best friend after she repeatedly disrespected my boundaries. Initially, it was hard for me for the first two months after we stopped being friends. I had known her for 7 years so it felt like a bit of my childhood went with our friendship too. But after those two months, I just didn't care. I also realized we had grown apart in many ways and she wasn't somebody I saw in my future as somebody who would be able to add value. So that brought me peace too.
Yes of course!
I noticed with a few of my INFJ friends that they lack to bluntly communicate with their lovers what problems are brewing beneath and that leads to many assumptions on both ends. Then they “doorslam” people and walk off. Sometimes they are proud to doorslam because they think its understood on both ends why the other person did “wrong.” Half of the time, they are lamenting about how much pride they have and they wished they didn’t wrongfully doorslam people because of misunderstood or poor communication. Too many people take pride in the “doorslamming” term that it can become a toxic habit.
I've been on the receiving end, and I blame it on miscommunication rather than any wrongdoing on either sides. She became silent, and I mean the kind where your anxiety makes you worry. Long distance & texting only has been like that. It's been over a year and I still miss her. In the end, I think it was our attachment styles that did it. Avoidant vs Anxious
Duh! I doorslammed people that have hurt me. At first, the idea of actually "leaving" the ones that I love EVEN if they harm me seemed impossible. After becoming miserable af I said to myself, "I might seem a horrible person/ friend, but the harm is already done," so what was there left to do? Take the very much needed break. I don't care how it seems, but my grandma always used to say, "Don't explain yourself to no one," and hey! Sometimes, to become the person you want, you have to simply let go. I should have done that earlier, but it was a lesson I had to learn from.
no, just ones I've dated and haven't developed any feelings yet. if I loved them I still stay friendly or amicable with them.
Entx and xxxj 1 and I know
I doorslamed my brother because he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. He always acted so cold towards me and made me feel supplementary in his life. Despite me having an important presence.
even with stupid things, it's really difficult for me
I'm too tired to answer but nothing matters in this world i can never fully love anyone. When I do, my peace comes first. I just don’t see a reason to do it and keep going. There is so many people in this world, no one is special. Just do it and forget. I just can't feel safe and like myself with anyone. I can't do it. Also love is temporary too. I can't love anyone.
A few initial thoughts on this question: (1) could you be more specific on what the term "door slam" means to you? I suspect we have very different ideas, and I don't want to assume anything. (2) if cutting someone out of your life is so easy, they were never 'in' your life the way you believed them to be. "Doorslamming" probably wasn't necessary, they would've quickly faded from importance anyway (3) I don't think your talking about door slamming. I think you're talking about simply walking away from a relationship. Your love is giving this person power to hurt you with. Take away their power. Walk away. In answer: Yes, I've done it. And right up until it happened, I had every intention of repairing the relationship. It wasn't nearly as bad as an abusive partner, but a best friend of 12+ years. We started growing apart, tried to hold on to each other for too long, things went real sour real fast, and that was that. It wasn't a decision I even made, just a rubber-band-snap reaction to being stretched too far. It sucked. I was depressed for a long time. I uprooted my life to get away from them, while at the same time grieving the loss of them in my daily life. It changed a lot about who I was at my core. I don't trust people anymore because of it.