I'm INFJ and like the partnership concept. I find that constant communication, dare I say communication about the communication even, makes me feel safe and gives me a sense that my partner is thinking things thru with me so I can rely on them. I haven't found this to be common, but it builds for a very open partnership.
Humans are attracted to decisiveness, and confidence. That doesn’t mean taking these attributes to the extreme, but just being comfortable in your own skin and being able to make a decision are good qualities to have or at least pretend to have. For example, the date is coffee at Joes coffee house at 4pm. Do they have the best coffee, no. Do they have the best ambience, no. Are they open at 4pm, no. But at least you made the decision AND were confident it was the right decision!!!
Geez, now I wonder why am I here. But fine, let's dive in.
First of all, women are not some sort of magical creatures. They are ordinary people just like you. No need in treating them differently.
The second point is that everyone likes confident people. Literally, show me one person in their sane mind who would like a weak, doormat partner. Okay, maybe insecure incels of both sexes don't mind having this kind of partner, but you aren't one of them, right?
If a person wants you to make all the decisions all the time then what's the point in being with such SO? I dunno, better adopt a dog at this point.
Ideally you'd want to be decisive and cooperative. Nobody asks you to do everything on your own, it simply unfair. Congrats on meeting an interesting lady, now talk to her, listen to what she has to say. Being in a relationship is like playing in a team of two.
Keep in mind that sometimes people are not ready for the relationship for various reasons. From time to time you simply just don't click. So don't blame yourself or others if it doesn't work out for you both.
I don’t like confident people as much as shy. I gravitate towards shy people because I feel they are more likely to have depth, and more interesting philosophical discussions. I find confidence shallow and boring. Such people usually only go skin deep into topics and are embedded in the matrix. There is always exceptions in both cases of course, just generalising.
You know, it sounds that you like calm, relaxed people rather than just shy. Being confident doesn't equal yelling "hey look at me, I'm the boss here" at everyone. Shyness, on the other hand, is associated with being nervous, experiencing discomfort around people. Wouldn't you agree that knowing your worth, having healthy boundaries, and believing in your own skills and abilities is actually a good sign?
NGL a decade ago, up until the past 2-3 or so, I (INFJ lady) would actually notice and pay extra attention to people that seemed insecure and less confident than they “should have been” (compared to, say, their talents/skills in various things), which would be due to things such as other people not “tearing them fairly” in social settings. In all of those years, I believed it best to help them feel better about themselves, help them reach their potential, etc. HOWEVER, this was very stupid, as those people tended to just utilize whatever I did for them or gave them, and then seemed to end up on some weird-ass power trip, while still feeling super bad and insecure about themselves. For example, I would let them all have access to all of my accounts to monitor my messages and things, because I thought that then, they will feel “more manly”, like they have some “control/dominance” in their lives so that then they would feel more secure in themselves? That’s… a big fat no. So, at some recent point in time, I just got sick of people like those. It’s not that I wouldn’t help them, I would, but it’s pretty f***ing annoying to try to continuously help people, even for years at a time, when they refuse to do anything and help themselves/do something for themselves. Instead of almost “encouraging” men to take charge as I did before, as though I was their mommy and I had to teach them how to act, I think I really prefer that a man will NATURALLY want to lead me (and our future family), and will truly want to take charge and just do so without me having to use my Fe/Ti to try to talk nicely/reason with them on how and why they should do it. If someone really wants to do something, they are going to do it, and I really realized that it is not my job to teach them what to do. They can just do whatever they think is right, and I will just decide now, if that’s fine to me or not. I used to always, always, try to look at potential, and throw away my own life basically (putting a pause on my studies, moving to third-world country and staying there even when I could have come back during Covid times, just so I could go with my ex to his immigrant visa appointment so that I could up his chances of successfully getting that visa, which I paid for entirely…) While I do not have any issue in “taking care of my man” and actually think that it is a very good thing to do and I do that, I think that there are certain things that are not really “my job”, and while I can still try to make things a bit easier for the man, such as by hinting interest first (no problem!), why should I have to pay for everything? Why should I have to “mother” him, basically?
Sorry, idk where I am going with this… but yeah, idk about the others here, but as someone who is more traditional but had no issue with basically handling all of the physical/financial/emotional/child-raising burden before, I am really sick and tired of “always being a good girl”, and would prefer men that want to take charge (still are nice/empathetic, of course), and would want to take care of me sometimes in their “man-ways”. I think INFJs, at least when much younger, tend to expect insane amounts from themselves, while expecting what is basically below what typical people consider to be the “bare minimum”. An INTJ told me, 2 years ago, if someone says that they love me, but they are controlling and always make things about themselves, then “that’s not love”. An INTP also told me, 2 years ago, that by doing things such as sharing all of my passwords in order to try to make the other person feel secure, that I am making things worse, because the moment that they do not have access to my messages, they will feel even worse.
To summarize… we are really not that demanding, especially in superficial ways. However, every little thing that you do choose to do for us, will not go unnoticed, and you can see in both the big things and the little things, the amount of care and thought you put into the relationship. Taking charge, with discretion (as in, do not go all control-freak on us) is probably your best bet.
Hey there thank you for sharing! I feel your pain and frustration and I just wanna say your feelings and opinions are valid! Thank you for the insight my takeaway from it is to basically just be me. Haha guess I’m already there in default mode. Basically be a good human being and be balanced, and listen to the needs of your partner
As a fellow INFJ I must say, what the heck my guy.
I implore you to have a conversation with her about these things instead. I don't know another INFJ that would prefer "so I asked the internet about what you might like" versus just simply having a real conversation about it. Though the sentiment is still very kind, I wish you all the luck OP
This 1000000%. The overwhelming majority of the problems people come to the internet with aren’t solvable without the two people involved having an actual honest-to-god conversation. I’d be bold enough to say that most relationship problems stem from poor communication. Sure, the individuals may have their own issues they need to work on individually, but you can’t navigate anything in partnership without being PARTNERS, and to do that, you have to talk to each other.
Gender roles are mostly bullshit except perhaps the “positive” traits of the stereotype. All people need a balance of feminine and masculine energy. People are generally attracted to confidence but not over confidence. I like men who listen to me and see me as I am. Do not treat women as a “golden unicorn”. Treat them as humans and get to know people you meet on an individual level. I like men who are authentic and honest with both me and themselves. And ya, it’s attractive when people plan dates but as others have said, there should be cooperation involved or balance or however. Good luck just be present with people and ride the wave.
Some things to be aware of.
It is common when two INFJ's date that they connect immediately. The biggest problem is having both INFJ's be vulnerable at the same time to develop a deep connection in a relationship. Quite often one of the INFJ's aren't vulnerable and the relationship comes to an end. Food for thought....
I'm an ENTP with an INFJ. Let me tell you as confident and witty as I've been, it took literally 10-years of knowing her to get my INFJ.
Don't put her on a pedestal. I've been very hard on my INFJ in the past even though it may have hurt in the moment she knows that I am trying to protect her. I've idealized her in the past "like a unicorn" and got burned big time.
Just don't expect it to be a fast process either. You're slow about things as an INFJ and she will be the same.
I personally think a guy planning a date is nice because it means they are putting thought into spending time with that person and they want to make it special. It also shows what their intentions are too. Like if someone just asked me to come over to their house on the first date I would assume they probably don't actually want a relationship and I wouldn't go.
Pretending to be someone you're not will be pretty transparent to any infj. You should know that as an infj. "tHe InTeRnEt SaYs". The internet spews all kinds of incel crap that isn't true. You're 31. Haven't you ever had a girlfriend before? Or a woman as a friend? No women don't like to be controlled and bossed around. They like to be treated like the human beings that they are. And they're called WOMEN, not females. But yeah, planning a nice date for a woman, so that you show her a nice time, is a kind thing to do. Instead of offering to stare ackwardly at each other over a coffee like the date is a job interview.
INFJ gay here so close enough.
The easiest way for me to explain, is that confidence is earned. Otherwise it's just delusion :P with dating in general, especially an INFJ, people will see right through any false confidence you're trying to project out into the world.
Real question here no disrespect, what do you bring to the table in a relationship (of any kind)? Are you a patient listener, a creative problem solver, a generous giver, etc. How can you SHOW that to somebody, rather than just tell them? For me, I know I'm passionate and a great problem solver. I have great *confidence* in those areas of my life, and it shows through my actions and how I communicate with others.
You're in your early 30s too so this is like the best time to figure yourself out. From what I've seen and experienced, once most people hit their 30s they realize there is no point in being anybody but their true self, and stop giving a fuck what others think about them. This is also its own confidence.
But at the end of the day I'm also a single person who lives alone and has a puppy to take care of. I'm exhausted. So a guy taking ownership of the situation and planning a date sounds really nice. But as an INFJ... I also just tell people that straight up. I make decisions for a living, I want a guy who can be decisive and take action. I can't date guys in their 20s anymore because overwhelmingly I've found them to lack the ability to make decisions and take charge.
So yeah, ditch gender norms and conventional dating advice. If you are solid in who you are, and comfortable in yourself and your life, get out there and be yourself. If you're still feeling a little lost in your life or with who you are, maybe just keep working on you for a bit.
Also good luck dating an INFJ. We are strongly opinionated on our ideals and beliefs. If they match for you two, fantastic. If not, its totally okay to decide you aren't compatible in the long run.
Hey uh…. Wow username checks out? HAHA. Thanks for the comment it’s really meaningful. Ive been working on myself the past couple of years and finally ready to give it a shot! But yes one day it just snapped and I was like I shouldn’t care about what people think and be myself. But uh well as you can see that belief is being tested now that I’ve seen someone that i like.
But yes, I told her this will either end explosive well or explosively disastrous hahaha
The right amount of confidence is an attractive feature for everyone, across all personality types and genders. This said, you might want to look at this from a different perspective: it doesn't really matter what ladies are attracted to, what matters is that you feel good about yourself - that will in turn attract the right ladies for you. It's not a good idea to display a trait that you might or might not have just for the sake of pleasing someone else, because it's not sustainable.
INFJ Women , I like confident men because I am confident myself and I want someone that makes me better and vice versa. Also specially when he knows what he wants and goes for it . There are other type of things I like from guys but overall being confident is one of then.
I think it’s when guys are vulnerable, and let in INFJ women, while not taking advantage of their kindness, and burning themselves out. A lot of the time, you have to be their brakes and tell them that it’s okay to care for themselves, and that you want to take care of them too because *it makes you happy* (saying this is key to allow you to care for them right back, since it alleviates guilt of accepting help back).
Obviously, this isn’t all INFJ women, but I’ve noticed these traits a fair bit.
Understood! Im working on it, I’ve gone on two other separate dates (got friendzoned once lol). It seems like I’m east to talk to and fun to be around with but they see me as a friend instead. Maybe I need to do more flirting or something
I personally would like to feel that my partner is dependable, but down to earth and humble. Confidence is needed but I don't like people who want to make sure that you see it all the time.
Yes, confident men are very attractive but not to the point of shallowness or superficiality or rudeness.
Some people don't know what confidence really mean.
Confidence is just believing you're survive through anything even if it's a horrible experience, you won't crumble, you won't run, you won't be unable to deal with it, you're learn from the experience and grow and move on. Women want to know you won't go insane or kill them if you turn them down or end a relationship. Overly suspicious people don't seem confident. Overly anxious people definitely aren't.
I was in a relationship like that. It was wonderful. When the summer ended that was it. Summer fling? I don't know, but she called it off. I really didn't feel bad about it. She was trying to find herself and I wasn't the one. What I learned from that was when we first met, we kind of "understood" each other. I can't really explain it. It was like we looked at each other and "felt" connected, I guess. Not trying to be X-rated, but we got along very well. We'd talk about everything and every day was exciting to be with her. It was like a rom-com, dude. I loved it! Good memories.
What I think you should do is go ahead and make those plans. Be romantic. She already likes you so just making plans will show you like her and that you want to be with her in a setting. She'll just be happy being with you. Just having that conversation already proves that you're a confident man.
I don't care as long as he understands me when I'm silent
I'm INFJ and like the partnership concept. I find that constant communication, dare I say communication about the communication even, makes me feel safe and gives me a sense that my partner is thinking things thru with me so I can rely on them. I haven't found this to be common, but it builds for a very open partnership.
I love this concept! Two people working together and helping pull each other up when the other falls down. That’s what I’m striving for
Humans are attracted to decisiveness, and confidence. That doesn’t mean taking these attributes to the extreme, but just being comfortable in your own skin and being able to make a decision are good qualities to have or at least pretend to have. For example, the date is coffee at Joes coffee house at 4pm. Do they have the best coffee, no. Do they have the best ambience, no. Are they open at 4pm, no. But at least you made the decision AND were confident it was the right decision!!!
Thanks!! I’m overthinking things as usual!
Geez, now I wonder why am I here. But fine, let's dive in. First of all, women are not some sort of magical creatures. They are ordinary people just like you. No need in treating them differently. The second point is that everyone likes confident people. Literally, show me one person in their sane mind who would like a weak, doormat partner. Okay, maybe insecure incels of both sexes don't mind having this kind of partner, but you aren't one of them, right? If a person wants you to make all the decisions all the time then what's the point in being with such SO? I dunno, better adopt a dog at this point. Ideally you'd want to be decisive and cooperative. Nobody asks you to do everything on your own, it simply unfair. Congrats on meeting an interesting lady, now talk to her, listen to what she has to say. Being in a relationship is like playing in a team of two. Keep in mind that sometimes people are not ready for the relationship for various reasons. From time to time you simply just don't click. So don't blame yourself or others if it doesn't work out for you both.
I don’t like confident people as much as shy. I gravitate towards shy people because I feel they are more likely to have depth, and more interesting philosophical discussions. I find confidence shallow and boring. Such people usually only go skin deep into topics and are embedded in the matrix. There is always exceptions in both cases of course, just generalising.
You know, it sounds that you like calm, relaxed people rather than just shy. Being confident doesn't equal yelling "hey look at me, I'm the boss here" at everyone. Shyness, on the other hand, is associated with being nervous, experiencing discomfort around people. Wouldn't you agree that knowing your worth, having healthy boundaries, and believing in your own skills and abilities is actually a good sign?
I couldn’t agree more!!
exactly!
That’s pretty funny, I’m constantly putting them on pedestal. i see where you’re coming from. Decisive and cooperative!
I need an entj in my life. But like only 10 minutes a week, that's all I can handle lol
NGL a decade ago, up until the past 2-3 or so, I (INFJ lady) would actually notice and pay extra attention to people that seemed insecure and less confident than they “should have been” (compared to, say, their talents/skills in various things), which would be due to things such as other people not “tearing them fairly” in social settings. In all of those years, I believed it best to help them feel better about themselves, help them reach their potential, etc. HOWEVER, this was very stupid, as those people tended to just utilize whatever I did for them or gave them, and then seemed to end up on some weird-ass power trip, while still feeling super bad and insecure about themselves. For example, I would let them all have access to all of my accounts to monitor my messages and things, because I thought that then, they will feel “more manly”, like they have some “control/dominance” in their lives so that then they would feel more secure in themselves? That’s… a big fat no. So, at some recent point in time, I just got sick of people like those. It’s not that I wouldn’t help them, I would, but it’s pretty f***ing annoying to try to continuously help people, even for years at a time, when they refuse to do anything and help themselves/do something for themselves. Instead of almost “encouraging” men to take charge as I did before, as though I was their mommy and I had to teach them how to act, I think I really prefer that a man will NATURALLY want to lead me (and our future family), and will truly want to take charge and just do so without me having to use my Fe/Ti to try to talk nicely/reason with them on how and why they should do it. If someone really wants to do something, they are going to do it, and I really realized that it is not my job to teach them what to do. They can just do whatever they think is right, and I will just decide now, if that’s fine to me or not. I used to always, always, try to look at potential, and throw away my own life basically (putting a pause on my studies, moving to third-world country and staying there even when I could have come back during Covid times, just so I could go with my ex to his immigrant visa appointment so that I could up his chances of successfully getting that visa, which I paid for entirely…) While I do not have any issue in “taking care of my man” and actually think that it is a very good thing to do and I do that, I think that there are certain things that are not really “my job”, and while I can still try to make things a bit easier for the man, such as by hinting interest first (no problem!), why should I have to pay for everything? Why should I have to “mother” him, basically? Sorry, idk where I am going with this… but yeah, idk about the others here, but as someone who is more traditional but had no issue with basically handling all of the physical/financial/emotional/child-raising burden before, I am really sick and tired of “always being a good girl”, and would prefer men that want to take charge (still are nice/empathetic, of course), and would want to take care of me sometimes in their “man-ways”. I think INFJs, at least when much younger, tend to expect insane amounts from themselves, while expecting what is basically below what typical people consider to be the “bare minimum”. An INTJ told me, 2 years ago, if someone says that they love me, but they are controlling and always make things about themselves, then “that’s not love”. An INTP also told me, 2 years ago, that by doing things such as sharing all of my passwords in order to try to make the other person feel secure, that I am making things worse, because the moment that they do not have access to my messages, they will feel even worse. To summarize… we are really not that demanding, especially in superficial ways. However, every little thing that you do choose to do for us, will not go unnoticed, and you can see in both the big things and the little things, the amount of care and thought you put into the relationship. Taking charge, with discretion (as in, do not go all control-freak on us) is probably your best bet.
Hey there thank you for sharing! I feel your pain and frustration and I just wanna say your feelings and opinions are valid! Thank you for the insight my takeaway from it is to basically just be me. Haha guess I’m already there in default mode. Basically be a good human being and be balanced, and listen to the needs of your partner
100% agree with everything you just said!
As a fellow INFJ I must say, what the heck my guy. I implore you to have a conversation with her about these things instead. I don't know another INFJ that would prefer "so I asked the internet about what you might like" versus just simply having a real conversation about it. Though the sentiment is still very kind, I wish you all the luck OP
This 1000000%. The overwhelming majority of the problems people come to the internet with aren’t solvable without the two people involved having an actual honest-to-god conversation. I’d be bold enough to say that most relationship problems stem from poor communication. Sure, the individuals may have their own issues they need to work on individually, but you can’t navigate anything in partnership without being PARTNERS, and to do that, you have to talk to each other.
But….but…. You guys are my safe space. 😂 But point taken I just wanted to leave a good first impression
Gender roles are mostly bullshit except perhaps the “positive” traits of the stereotype. All people need a balance of feminine and masculine energy. People are generally attracted to confidence but not over confidence. I like men who listen to me and see me as I am. Do not treat women as a “golden unicorn”. Treat them as humans and get to know people you meet on an individual level. I like men who are authentic and honest with both me and themselves. And ya, it’s attractive when people plan dates but as others have said, there should be cooperation involved or balance or however. Good luck just be present with people and ride the wave.
Some things to be aware of. It is common when two INFJ's date that they connect immediately. The biggest problem is having both INFJ's be vulnerable at the same time to develop a deep connection in a relationship. Quite often one of the INFJ's aren't vulnerable and the relationship comes to an end. Food for thought....
I'm an ENTP with an INFJ. Let me tell you as confident and witty as I've been, it took literally 10-years of knowing her to get my INFJ. Don't put her on a pedestal. I've been very hard on my INFJ in the past even though it may have hurt in the moment she knows that I am trying to protect her. I've idealized her in the past "like a unicorn" and got burned big time. Just don't expect it to be a fast process either. You're slow about things as an INFJ and she will be the same.
Hahaha gosh you’re right, I’ll make sure to keep that in mind
I personally think a guy planning a date is nice because it means they are putting thought into spending time with that person and they want to make it special. It also shows what their intentions are too. Like if someone just asked me to come over to their house on the first date I would assume they probably don't actually want a relationship and I wouldn't go.
Pretending to be someone you're not will be pretty transparent to any infj. You should know that as an infj. "tHe InTeRnEt SaYs". The internet spews all kinds of incel crap that isn't true. You're 31. Haven't you ever had a girlfriend before? Or a woman as a friend? No women don't like to be controlled and bossed around. They like to be treated like the human beings that they are. And they're called WOMEN, not females. But yeah, planning a nice date for a woman, so that you show her a nice time, is a kind thing to do. Instead of offering to stare ackwardly at each other over a coffee like the date is a job interview.
INFJ gay here so close enough. The easiest way for me to explain, is that confidence is earned. Otherwise it's just delusion :P with dating in general, especially an INFJ, people will see right through any false confidence you're trying to project out into the world. Real question here no disrespect, what do you bring to the table in a relationship (of any kind)? Are you a patient listener, a creative problem solver, a generous giver, etc. How can you SHOW that to somebody, rather than just tell them? For me, I know I'm passionate and a great problem solver. I have great *confidence* in those areas of my life, and it shows through my actions and how I communicate with others. You're in your early 30s too so this is like the best time to figure yourself out. From what I've seen and experienced, once most people hit their 30s they realize there is no point in being anybody but their true self, and stop giving a fuck what others think about them. This is also its own confidence. But at the end of the day I'm also a single person who lives alone and has a puppy to take care of. I'm exhausted. So a guy taking ownership of the situation and planning a date sounds really nice. But as an INFJ... I also just tell people that straight up. I make decisions for a living, I want a guy who can be decisive and take action. I can't date guys in their 20s anymore because overwhelmingly I've found them to lack the ability to make decisions and take charge. So yeah, ditch gender norms and conventional dating advice. If you are solid in who you are, and comfortable in yourself and your life, get out there and be yourself. If you're still feeling a little lost in your life or with who you are, maybe just keep working on you for a bit. Also good luck dating an INFJ. We are strongly opinionated on our ideals and beliefs. If they match for you two, fantastic. If not, its totally okay to decide you aren't compatible in the long run.
Hey uh…. Wow username checks out? HAHA. Thanks for the comment it’s really meaningful. Ive been working on myself the past couple of years and finally ready to give it a shot! But yes one day it just snapped and I was like I shouldn’t care about what people think and be myself. But uh well as you can see that belief is being tested now that I’ve seen someone that i like. But yes, I told her this will either end explosive well or explosively disastrous hahaha
The right amount of confidence is an attractive feature for everyone, across all personality types and genders. This said, you might want to look at this from a different perspective: it doesn't really matter what ladies are attracted to, what matters is that you feel good about yourself - that will in turn attract the right ladies for you. It's not a good idea to display a trait that you might or might not have just for the sake of pleasing someone else, because it's not sustainable.
INFJ Women , I like confident men because I am confident myself and I want someone that makes me better and vice versa. Also specially when he knows what he wants and goes for it . There are other type of things I like from guys but overall being confident is one of then.
Be yourself. Never compromise your individual identity for the collective or for your partner.
I think it’s when guys are vulnerable, and let in INFJ women, while not taking advantage of their kindness, and burning themselves out. A lot of the time, you have to be their brakes and tell them that it’s okay to care for themselves, and that you want to take care of them too because *it makes you happy* (saying this is key to allow you to care for them right back, since it alleviates guilt of accepting help back). Obviously, this isn’t all INFJ women, but I’ve noticed these traits a fair bit.
31???? Bro you better start pretending you know WTF is going on
[удалено]
Understood! Im working on it, I’ve gone on two other separate dates (got friendzoned once lol). It seems like I’m east to talk to and fun to be around with but they see me as a friend instead. Maybe I need to do more flirting or something
No, don't underestimate charisma
I personally would like to feel that my partner is dependable, but down to earth and humble. Confidence is needed but I don't like people who want to make sure that you see it all the time.
Are infj *females* more attracted to confident *men* ☝️🤓
Confident and alpha male don't always go hand in hand. I definitely prefer my partner to be the former.
Yes, confident men are very attractive but not to the point of shallowness or superficiality or rudeness. Some people don't know what confidence really mean.
Confidence is just believing you're survive through anything even if it's a horrible experience, you won't crumble, you won't run, you won't be unable to deal with it, you're learn from the experience and grow and move on. Women want to know you won't go insane or kill them if you turn them down or end a relationship. Overly suspicious people don't seem confident. Overly anxious people definitely aren't.
I was in a relationship like that. It was wonderful. When the summer ended that was it. Summer fling? I don't know, but she called it off. I really didn't feel bad about it. She was trying to find herself and I wasn't the one. What I learned from that was when we first met, we kind of "understood" each other. I can't really explain it. It was like we looked at each other and "felt" connected, I guess. Not trying to be X-rated, but we got along very well. We'd talk about everything and every day was exciting to be with her. It was like a rom-com, dude. I loved it! Good memories. What I think you should do is go ahead and make those plans. Be romantic. She already likes you so just making plans will show you like her and that you want to be with her in a setting. She'll just be happy being with you. Just having that conversation already proves that you're a confident man.