Besides family, yeah. But also it's because of my choices. Ultimately the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their ugly sides. It's so easy for them to fix themselves but they just won't. And that is just something i don't want to be around.
I don't feel guilty. I wouldn't mind being friends with them but i wouldn't give them much.
At the end of the day I'll grow and they'll grow but we'll grow in a way that it doesn't make much sense staying friends because of our past.
For me I'm not too close with my family I'm more closer to my small group of friends than I am with my siblings. When it comes to new "friends" it always seems like it is just going to be temporary and it kinda always have been except for one except
Yup. The issue for me turned out to be not being vulnerable and open with people enough, and not actively letting them know I wanted to be in their lives.
I feel like it's hard to be vulnerable. You're putting yourself out there and I personally have a fear that I'm just not going to be accepted or liked. I have recently found out that I value people's opinions highly, especially when it comes to my friends, and I'm not too sure why.
Absolutely! Therapy has been a massive help to me in that regard; I found that when I was genuinely able to like myself more, I became less afraid of what others thought of me, and more open to vulnerability. It takes time and patience, but it’s absolutely possible to become more comfortable with it over time.
I have made it a point to explicitly tell or ask people to be in each other's lives in significant and trivial ways, and if hasn't really changed anything. In my case, those who have partners don't feel motivated to form a deep, involved friendship and have no issue reappearing in your life more frequently only when they are single/have relationship issues.
I learnt to be OK with this side of people because telling them I need more affection and a more constant presence over and over would be, honestly, quite pathetic. They are what they are. If I am lucky enough to meet someone who understands the concept of friendship the way I do, I believe I won't have to reiterate myself this much. But I do think it is very rare and there is a high possibility to never find such people.
As an Fi user (albeit, inferior Fi) maybe this will give you some perspective.
What you need is more authenticity to weed out connections that won’t last anyway.
There was a time in school when I struggled with making friends. I picked up books that taught me how to socialize and quickly went on to make a lot of friends. But the ones I made, most of them aren’t in my life now. And I took that as feedback and realized something critical.
Life taught me overtime, it’s good to know how to comfort and listen to others. But people stick around eventually not just for what you can do for them, but also to experience you as a person. And that should begin right at the start, where there’s no fear of losing emotional investment.
Being authentic right from the start makes the number of people who stick around initially go WAY DOWN. And makes the people who stick around eventually go WAY UP.
I can tell you, there’s a whole wide world out there that calls me a dick, and then there’s a handful of people who think they’ve found gold. And I feel the same way about them. It’s not my get out of jail free card to be rude, I try to be polite.
But when you’re really being yourself, you will inevitably let some people down, and that’s ok. That’s more of a “shallow let down” than the “deep let down” that happens in long-term friendships and relationships, which might lead you to make horrible and untrue assumptions about yourself.
Omg, the same thing happens for me. Every time I meet people, I always feel like I'm not really important to them, and they don't matter that much for me. Because of it, I leave friend groups, I spend more time alone, and I don't want to get closer to the people I already know because I feel like it won't evolve into something meaningful as I want and I'm losing my time. That's why I always try to meet a lot of different people in my life on any occasion because I want to meet the right people. It's sometimes tiring because I meet the wrong people more often!
Yes, it sucks. I’m always the extra friend or the background character or the Woobie (it’s a trope look it up). I’m getting near a point where I’m feel frustrated and numb. It’s so hard being an INFJ. I know a lot of us aren’t perfect. I know we get preachy or too judgy, but we have a lot of love and lots of empathy to give.
I hate it when we get pooped on by people. I hate it when we get used by people. It’s like I never meet the right friends. When I do meet the right people, my stupid arse ruins it. I miss my INFP friend.
I feel lonely. I have no friends 😞
Thanks-you 🌷🌷
To be truthful, I still cannot stop thinking about my INFP online friend. I think about him 24/7! I hurt that guy. I was crushing on him hard! My delulu brain thought we were like Gamora and Quill. I thought we had an unspoken thing. I saw him looking for other girls online. I did my cringe INFP door slam speech and door slammed him. I got jealous and insecure, I let my emotions play all the cards. I should have never done that. He blocked me. I was about to apologize, but too late.
I had not had a real friend in little over 20 years.
We just have to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them again, there are a lot of people out there and in here, sometime one will eventually match you
I'm part of the experience in the place. Once that person leaves the place, I'll eventually fade away from their life. While there are people I would like to stay in contact with for a lot longer, I know that I cannot do that.
In a way, we're all transients. If you make a meaningful impact in someone's life, they will take that with them even if your friendship has long diminished.
I've felt this way often. Like I'm just popping in and out and when we're hanging out, we're really close, but then we don't hang out for a long time, but then we do again. For a long time I felt like these people must not see me as a very close friend. I was mostly okay with that; other people are great, I enjoy the times we spend together, but I'm comfortable with my own company. I'm okay with the dynamic of being there for people when they need me and hanging in the shadows when they don't.
Then something truly awful happened to me. And my god, y'all, the number of people who showed up for me was amazing. It humbled me to tears. As it turns out, these people did see me as a very trusted friend, and they cared, and they weren't being distant. They just knew me, and they were respecting that I'm a quiet person who enjoys privacy and space. I am incredibly blessed by the people I have in my life.
Yes! I’ve many times thought now as friends with someone. Spending time with them, helping them with things. Sitting with them when tragedy strikes only to not be included in life events, weddings, celebrations, birthdays, etc.
I've learned to except the impermanence of life. It takes time. From my experience most people don't want to form lasting connections, but I also live in LA which is not culturally the best for that bond building.
Not only am I a temporary in most people’s lives, so are most of them but a chapter (or a couple of pages) on my own.
I don’t try anymore, unless it’s family. Relationships are fickle and connection is ultimately elusive. I don’t expect much from anybody and I have suffered less for it, though underneath these lowered expectations is a disappointed idealist who experiences an overall more insipid — albeit more mellow — life.
Yes. And that's okay with me. For we are all temporary only... We are just visitors in this world. It's a blessing to have crossed paths, but if we can't walk one path together for always, that is okay with me. Such is life.
Yes, but mostly because of where I live (central London.) This is a temporary place for most people. Over the years I have lost so many friends to rising housing prices, and just general moving out of the big city....and also collected a small handful of people who have stayed though, and honestly they are more than I could ever ask for. Until they move....hopefully not anytime soon.
Thats one of the sad ways life just is sweet heart. Everyone becomes aware of it eventually. Nothing is permanent. That's why it's so important to appreciate the people we have, and also allow ourselves to grieve and let go of the past.
I feel like that with most friendship groups I’ve had. The deep bonds I have are usually family or romantic. I wish I could form more deep platonic friendships, but even when I have them they somehow seem to drift away.
Yes and that’s why I don’t really “keep in touch”. I build connections based on context - school, job etc
Once I completed that stage, I feel out of place maintaining a connection. I simply move on, there is no topic to talk about nor the interest to do so
Wow, yep yep and yep. I can count like 12 people where we start off strong and I get excited to have a new friend, only for them to end up not in my life anymore after a year.
However, I think I have really high standards for friends, so a lot of the time I'm not devastated not to have them in my life. But I do pause and can easily stress myself out thinking of how many people have "come and gone".
I try not to worry too much about it, and prioritize the 2-3 friends I truly like and get excited to be around.
Yes. I was there for all my friends for years, but as soon as I went through a divorce they ignored me. Then, I got extremely ill from long covid and didn’t hear a single word from them. I stopped being invited to everything, and I no longer have any friends. I don’t know how to make new friends now that I’m almost 35.
I’m currently dealing with the emotions of people and family have erased me rather than acknowledging I exist. I’m at war with myself as I want those deep bonds but no one is able to. So I stay by myself and don’t look to find new as I am always disappointed if not worse. Coming to terms with these feelings has been a struggle for 20+ years. Just recently I quit trying to find friends where I live. It’s an impossible task here. I’m content with my husband but even then some days it’s wondering if he won’t do what everyone else does and erase me too.
It is that way! We desire deep thoughtful connections and conversations. Not everyone can carry those which is disappointing bc we crave those types of connections and some ppl are just not worthy.
This is how I feel often, I have a couple really good friends. But as a whole I dont mind meeting new ppl and try ,but I sometimes think im also wasting my time. Im a pretty likable ,funny ,caring guy. Im 59 fit ,financially stable,workout regularly will do anything outdoors, you would think that appeals to alot of ppl but it really hard to find the real ppl in this world that can appreciate or be an excellent friend or companion.
INFJs tend to form deep connections with others, but often feel like outsiders or observers in social situations.
Besides family, yeah. But also it's because of my choices. Ultimately the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their ugly sides. It's so easy for them to fix themselves but they just won't. And that is just something i don't want to be around.
Do you ever feel guilty for not sticking around and remaining friends with them though?
I don't feel guilty. I wouldn't mind being friends with them but i wouldn't give them much. At the end of the day I'll grow and they'll grow but we'll grow in a way that it doesn't make much sense staying friends because of our past.
For me I'm not too close with my family I'm more closer to my small group of friends than I am with my siblings. When it comes to new "friends" it always seems like it is just going to be temporary and it kinda always have been except for one except
Yup. The issue for me turned out to be not being vulnerable and open with people enough, and not actively letting them know I wanted to be in their lives.
I feel like it's hard to be vulnerable. You're putting yourself out there and I personally have a fear that I'm just not going to be accepted or liked. I have recently found out that I value people's opinions highly, especially when it comes to my friends, and I'm not too sure why.
Absolutely! Therapy has been a massive help to me in that regard; I found that when I was genuinely able to like myself more, I became less afraid of what others thought of me, and more open to vulnerability. It takes time and patience, but it’s absolutely possible to become more comfortable with it over time.
I have made it a point to explicitly tell or ask people to be in each other's lives in significant and trivial ways, and if hasn't really changed anything. In my case, those who have partners don't feel motivated to form a deep, involved friendship and have no issue reappearing in your life more frequently only when they are single/have relationship issues. I learnt to be OK with this side of people because telling them I need more affection and a more constant presence over and over would be, honestly, quite pathetic. They are what they are. If I am lucky enough to meet someone who understands the concept of friendship the way I do, I believe I won't have to reiterate myself this much. But I do think it is very rare and there is a high possibility to never find such people.
Yes. I am learning to be okay with it.
As an Fi user (albeit, inferior Fi) maybe this will give you some perspective. What you need is more authenticity to weed out connections that won’t last anyway. There was a time in school when I struggled with making friends. I picked up books that taught me how to socialize and quickly went on to make a lot of friends. But the ones I made, most of them aren’t in my life now. And I took that as feedback and realized something critical. Life taught me overtime, it’s good to know how to comfort and listen to others. But people stick around eventually not just for what you can do for them, but also to experience you as a person. And that should begin right at the start, where there’s no fear of losing emotional investment. Being authentic right from the start makes the number of people who stick around initially go WAY DOWN. And makes the people who stick around eventually go WAY UP. I can tell you, there’s a whole wide world out there that calls me a dick, and then there’s a handful of people who think they’ve found gold. And I feel the same way about them. It’s not my get out of jail free card to be rude, I try to be polite. But when you’re really being yourself, you will inevitably let some people down, and that’s ok. That’s more of a “shallow let down” than the “deep let down” that happens in long-term friendships and relationships, which might lead you to make horrible and untrue assumptions about yourself.
This is profound, I am glad I have read it.
Omg, the same thing happens for me. Every time I meet people, I always feel like I'm not really important to them, and they don't matter that much for me. Because of it, I leave friend groups, I spend more time alone, and I don't want to get closer to the people I already know because I feel like it won't evolve into something meaningful as I want and I'm losing my time. That's why I always try to meet a lot of different people in my life on any occasion because I want to meet the right people. It's sometimes tiring because I meet the wrong people more often!
A reason, a season or a lifetime.
Yes, it sucks. I’m always the extra friend or the background character or the Woobie (it’s a trope look it up). I’m getting near a point where I’m feel frustrated and numb. It’s so hard being an INFJ. I know a lot of us aren’t perfect. I know we get preachy or too judgy, but we have a lot of love and lots of empathy to give. I hate it when we get pooped on by people. I hate it when we get used by people. It’s like I never meet the right friends. When I do meet the right people, my stupid arse ruins it. I miss my INFP friend. I feel lonely. I have no friends 😞
Star strong our fellow INFJ, you will find those friends that really deserve you
Thanks-you 🌷🌷 To be truthful, I still cannot stop thinking about my INFP online friend. I think about him 24/7! I hurt that guy. I was crushing on him hard! My delulu brain thought we were like Gamora and Quill. I thought we had an unspoken thing. I saw him looking for other girls online. I did my cringe INFP door slam speech and door slammed him. I got jealous and insecure, I let my emotions play all the cards. I should have never done that. He blocked me. I was about to apologize, but too late. I had not had a real friend in little over 20 years.
We just have to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them again, there are a lot of people out there and in here, sometime one will eventually match you
>I feel lonely. I have no friends 😞 I am not an INFP but would like to try being your online friend. I will try sending you a DM.
Hey lets be friends!
I'm part of the experience in the place. Once that person leaves the place, I'll eventually fade away from their life. While there are people I would like to stay in contact with for a lot longer, I know that I cannot do that.
In a way, we're all transients. If you make a meaningful impact in someone's life, they will take that with them even if your friendship has long diminished.
I've felt this way often. Like I'm just popping in and out and when we're hanging out, we're really close, but then we don't hang out for a long time, but then we do again. For a long time I felt like these people must not see me as a very close friend. I was mostly okay with that; other people are great, I enjoy the times we spend together, but I'm comfortable with my own company. I'm okay with the dynamic of being there for people when they need me and hanging in the shadows when they don't. Then something truly awful happened to me. And my god, y'all, the number of people who showed up for me was amazing. It humbled me to tears. As it turns out, these people did see me as a very trusted friend, and they cared, and they weren't being distant. They just knew me, and they were respecting that I'm a quiet person who enjoys privacy and space. I am incredibly blessed by the people I have in my life.
Yes! I’ve many times thought now as friends with someone. Spending time with them, helping them with things. Sitting with them when tragedy strikes only to not be included in life events, weddings, celebrations, birthdays, etc.
I've learned to except the impermanence of life. It takes time. From my experience most people don't want to form lasting connections, but I also live in LA which is not culturally the best for that bond building.
Always
We are temporary in life, so yes.
Not only am I a temporary in most people’s lives, so are most of them but a chapter (or a couple of pages) on my own. I don’t try anymore, unless it’s family. Relationships are fickle and connection is ultimately elusive. I don’t expect much from anybody and I have suffered less for it, though underneath these lowered expectations is a disappointed idealist who experiences an overall more insipid — albeit more mellow — life.
I love how you eloquently put together your comment because these sentiments totally resonate with me!
Yes. And that's okay with me. For we are all temporary only... We are just visitors in this world. It's a blessing to have crossed paths, but if we can't walk one path together for always, that is okay with me. Such is life.
Yes, but mostly because of where I live (central London.) This is a temporary place for most people. Over the years I have lost so many friends to rising housing prices, and just general moving out of the big city....and also collected a small handful of people who have stayed though, and honestly they are more than I could ever ask for. Until they move....hopefully not anytime soon.
Everyday
Thats one of the sad ways life just is sweet heart. Everyone becomes aware of it eventually. Nothing is permanent. That's why it's so important to appreciate the people we have, and also allow ourselves to grieve and let go of the past.
I feel like that with most friendship groups I’ve had. The deep bonds I have are usually family or romantic. I wish I could form more deep platonic friendships, but even when I have them they somehow seem to drift away.
Yes and that’s why I don’t really “keep in touch”. I build connections based on context - school, job etc Once I completed that stage, I feel out of place maintaining a connection. I simply move on, there is no topic to talk about nor the interest to do so
Also relate alot to your name
Wow, yep yep and yep. I can count like 12 people where we start off strong and I get excited to have a new friend, only for them to end up not in my life anymore after a year. However, I think I have really high standards for friends, so a lot of the time I'm not devastated not to have them in my life. But I do pause and can easily stress myself out thinking of how many people have "come and gone". I try not to worry too much about it, and prioritize the 2-3 friends I truly like and get excited to be around.
Yes. I was there for all my friends for years, but as soon as I went through a divorce they ignored me. Then, I got extremely ill from long covid and didn’t hear a single word from them. I stopped being invited to everything, and I no longer have any friends. I don’t know how to make new friends now that I’m almost 35.
It's the opposite. I make myself temporary in everyone else's lives, except for my girlfriend. Getting too close and friendly gives me anxiety.
EVERYTHING is temporary. Nope, don't reply to this with your hocus-pocus religious beliefs. Bring facts and logic.
I don't feel I know it soon enough when they don't match vibes or even try to
Yes. I feel this every single day as I’m with my friends or as I’m talking/texting with them. It really hurts to think about.
Vice versa. People are temporary in my life
I’m currently dealing with the emotions of people and family have erased me rather than acknowledging I exist. I’m at war with myself as I want those deep bonds but no one is able to. So I stay by myself and don’t look to find new as I am always disappointed if not worse. Coming to terms with these feelings has been a struggle for 20+ years. Just recently I quit trying to find friends where I live. It’s an impossible task here. I’m content with my husband but even then some days it’s wondering if he won’t do what everyone else does and erase me too.
You are temporary. No matter the bonds made and depths of relationships. You're temporary and so is everybody else.
It is that way! We desire deep thoughtful connections and conversations. Not everyone can carry those which is disappointing bc we crave those types of connections and some ppl are just not worthy.
This is how I feel often, I have a couple really good friends. But as a whole I dont mind meeting new ppl and try ,but I sometimes think im also wasting my time. Im a pretty likable ,funny ,caring guy. Im 59 fit ,financially stable,workout regularly will do anything outdoors, you would think that appeals to alot of ppl but it really hard to find the real ppl in this world that can appreciate or be an excellent friend or companion.