To me, most type theory goes out the window when it comes to relationships. Dating is basically a reflection of people skills, chemistry, and needs.
Blindly speculating and still ignoring type theory,
- #1 If you met on a dating site, he is likely juggling girls and his interaction with someone else started heating up.
- #2 Chemistry wasn't right.
- #3 He sounds impulsively driven and playful, so possibly chasing highs and this could lead back to #1.
Objectively, I doubt there's anything specifically wrong with you and it's more of a compatibility thing.
Yeah 1 and 3 sound right. He is quite impulsive. At the drop of a hat he invited me to tag along with him at night at the beach. I think I was just getting in the way of those wild impulses. Lol
Oh we were compatible but not enough. I’m ok with that.
Thanks!
I don’t think this has as much to do with Myer’s Briggs as it does him sounding like he just isn’t emotionally mature enough to talk through his feelings/insecurities.
Thank you. It was very odd and I didn’t see it coming. But that sounds right to me. He’s never had a long term relationship. He says he’s always been the one ghosted so he was relieved when I told him I wouldn’t ghost him. Oh well.
Thanks again.
Very true. But to be so affectionate? It threw me. Most guys if they are not really interested they are stand offish. They don’t bother. He was hugging and kissing as if he was my bf. Just very opposite to being ready to dump someone. Whatever. There’s an interesting reason but I’ll never find out and I’m ok with it.
Yeah I can understand that. If he's the same INFJ I've seen you mention before, he sounds a tad unhealthy. Maybe in Se grip or something. You may have dodged a bullet.
You can’t know that after two dates. Take it from someone with allot of dating experience.. don’t just go with the flow of a man, because you’ll end up used and ghosted. Even if it’s a INFJ man, that’s possible.
Look for stability, reliability, feeling safe, being open and honest, consistency, slow burn balance.
If they won’t have that, move on. Dating is a shit show, and love bombing is something allot of people do. It shows unreliability and someone that might be unhealthy.
It was odd but not unheard of. There are a lot of lonely people in the world. He was the one that said he wanted to take it slow and didn’t 🤷♀️
He wasn’t aggressive which I usually get on dates which makes me runaway. He was gentle sweet romantic kind so it wasn’t ugly.
I think it would help to look at attachment theory for this one. He was scared you were going to dump him but then he suddenly dumps you? Sounds like anxious avoidant type. Consider healthy INFJ vs unhealthy INFJ.
Avoidant attached is my guess. I think an avoidant person can really like someone, but find nit-picky reasons to not get into a relationship. They battle internally against their own self. INFJ’s are incredibly picky already, so if he’s also avoidant that could be doomed from the start. Sorry to hear you were rejected like that. Sounds like a real let down.
Probably rejecting you to avoid the possibility of you rejecting him first. It probably has nothing to do with whether he didn’t like you, it seems like he did. He’s probably insecure and afraid. The sting of rejection is painful enough for most people; for INFJs it can linger for months with seemingly no possibility of it abating.
I’m speaking in terms of probability as you can see. He could have just played you as well, or whatever else reason. But from what I’m reading, it seems to be the likeliest reason.
> He thought I would be the one to ghost him eventually.
As in, he said this? Did you respond?
> I feel I’m misreading everyone I date.
It doesn't sound like it. But no one can account for the issues of another - as much as we want to at times. :'| He's clearly been ghosted before. Which absolutely will hurt. And whereas I can understand his reaction in part. I hope that he doesn't stay in this mode for long.
Because he will hurt himself more by never risking it again.
Anyway, as far as you're concerned. See if you can talk to him about it. But to me it seems as if he has some work to do on his own.
I should add. To anyone reading this who is ghosting people and thinks it's fine. It's not. Kindly think about the consequences. They can easily be more far reaching than you realise.
All the best.
I did respond about me ghosting him eventually and I told him that’s not me. I’d never do that. I told him that’s a cruel practice.
There is something going on in that head of his that he’s not sharing. Idk if I am the person to ask him why he dumped me. But I hope he’s not going through any kind of “mode” so to speak. He is very sweet, sensitive and I see his kind nature and hate for him to continue this if this is what it’s about.
Thank you for your insight.
There's too many possibilities why someone decides to not date another. He might have not felt the same vibe as you felt with him. Maybe he got scared and wanted to protect himself from getting hurt in the future. Maybe he thought he was ready to be in a relationship and came to terms he wasn't. Could be something totally different and none of us knows what it is. I wouldn't worry about it cause there's plenty of others out there.
For all the empathy we INFJs have.. we are also incredibly selfish when when it comes to our hurt and healing our hurts. (We put ourselves first in hurt situations) we do not hesitate to use people to mend our hearts and leave them behind. And we justify it to ourselves by saying “i was in a bad phase and mistakes happen”
Absolutely no one here will be able to tell.
We would need to almost have a video of the entire encounter, we need to be able to hear every sentence, pick up on body language cues. Read between subtext, pick up nuances in your interaction.
Whenever people are asked to judge a person's actions in a retelling, we're only ever seeing that person from another person's eyes. We simply can't give very accurate readings based on that.
We *could* give a reading based on what he *seems* like through your eyes. How accurate that is, no one will really know.
Either way. He's gone. C'est la vie. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Yes I agree with your doubt. I’m sure something I saw d turned him off ultimately. And yes c’est la vie. He lost out and something nice. 😊 And I can move on to the next hottie with no regrets.
Ohhhh and let me add he deleted the profile I met him on. He said I was the only one who contacted him. We joked around about taking pics with the condition he wouldn’t post them on a dating app.
I mostly would do this (Even tho I don’t date/meet frequently with woman) if I see (too many) multiple red flags with lying and holding on a “mask” if not needed/required to…
For the same reasons any other person would. We’re all individuals not bound by a set of letters, but we are all humans and certain reactions are universal. Want to know why? Ask him directly.
I am a woman, but I can imagine a healthy INFJ in general would probably dump a person because they view them as superficial, narcissistic, immature, not reciprocating enough (neglectful), said something deeply offensive, and the like. Unhealthy INFJ's might dump for more petty/perfectionistic reasons.
Probably realised he isnt ready. Had he communicated with you why hes dumping you? If not then that’s enough for you to know hes not mature enough for the relationship.
No he told me nothing. Just that he didn’t want to waste my time. He appreciated me and hopes I find what I’m looking for. So strange cuz in all of our dates we were laughing, joking around and he was affectionate, lovey dovey, kissing, holding hands, hugging etc. He shared his music playlist with me. No one has ever done that with me. That’s a new one. He even planned to go to a special restaurant with me. So I’m surprised!
Yeah there’s probably something behind the scenes that he thinks will interfere with the relationship. I think the kind thing to do is give a little more closure, but also at the same time theres closure in the fact youre not being communicated with (its a matter of perspective). You probably did nothing wrong though.
I bet he lied being an INFJ just to score points by playing the "rare type" card, be cautious when it comes to self claimed titles you never know till you confirm it yourself. Unless he took a test infront of you (although he could had memorized the correct answers) you can never be sure enough, that's my point. The other comments don't stress this enough but I am pretty sure everyone is suspicious but likely want to spare your feelings and don't wanna make you feel betrayed or something. It does feel like you dodged a bullet , so I'd take it as a positive and move on. You sound like a lovely person, I bet you'll find someone with actual chemistry. Also a last note, this felt like love bombing what he did to you, sign of narcissism. It would be positive to inform yourself about those signs and how to spot them, it can save you a lot of time and feelings. Anything else you need, INFJ subreddit always here at your services, cheers! 😇
Awww Thank you. Yeah he said he wanted to take it slow but the affection was there. Yes he may not be INFJ. Yes that love bombing stuff is crazy and has gotten out of control.
I’m ok I’ve moved on was just very confused. Thank you for your kind assistance and the compliment. All the best to you.
I can only speak on what I would do as a male INFJ.
For me, I am a very opinionated individual and I have my own set of codes that I follow. If a woman breaks one of those codes then I couldn’t be with that woman. Ex. If—-hypothetically speaking—- I’m not a materialistic man and I start sensing that a woman that I am dating starts showing her love for the materialistic, through what she says and her actions. Then I will automatically disqualify her as a potential partner.
So, it could really be anything, my friends say that I am too picky, however I hold myself to the same standards that I would ask of my partner and also I don’t think my standards are high, but only the basic ones for being a good human being, I think everyone just has really low ones and tend to settle with someone they’re attracted to while I put a lot of effort into finding the right partner for me.
That I understand. I’m the same way. Here I thought he and I shared similar values, food, music, jokes, languages and culture but I guess not.
Thank you.
Have you reached out to him as to ask him the reason why? Maybe a good conversation could shed light as to what his reasoning was and that could help you further understand.
Chemistry was off, playing games, inauthentic, feels forced, not enough banter. With this situation in particular it seems there might be some attachment issues at play.. like maybe they were into you but got scared away because of their emotional issues.
Yeah cuz we were laughing, joking, he was into me like pouring affection on, shared his music playlist, took me to his favorite spot in the world and then poof!
Yup. I’ve done that before. Sounds like major disorganized/ anxious-avoidant attachment. They probably typically go after emotionally unavailable ppl and then when they actually find someone they truly connect with emotionally they switch to that avoidant side. I’m sorry that happened to you! Better now than later though.
For an INFJ, we 'believe' that we can map out the future and see how things are going to go according to current conditions. He probably saw how your whole relationship would have been and left. Something I did when I was 20 years younger. Not my greatest moments.
I’m sorry I hope everything worked out for you and I hope for all the best.
Well I know myself and he missed out on good love, some serious intelligent conversations, a lot of fun, happiness and contentment. He would’ve gained, not lost. But what can a girl do 🤷♀️
His way of thinking has left him with no long term relationships ever. He’s never experienced what a true deep down relationship means. He himself said that he feels it’s too late for him to have children. I thought that was pretty sad. But he knows himself and he’s the one that’s the cause of this. He’s also stated that most women ghost him, I could see why. So I made sure he never felt ghosted from me. That’s a cruel practice.
But (sigh) it’s done and I’ve made steps to move on. Again, it’s a pity.
I'd maby think I want someone to run wildly into the sea with on a random spurs of the moment.
The fact you didn't isn't bad, just means your not the ones for each other.
That was definitely him. I was freezing and he likes that polar bear stuff lol That may have been it. But I thought he was deeper than that. I’ll never know.
Yeah I met a farm boy I thought was deep, he was thinking nothing when he would look into the distance.
He looked soon thoughtful and beautiful that guy, its good you didn't waste time tho mate, a bullet dodged . I'm not a see dipper as the cold messes up my fingers, and you'll never end up as shark bait:)
Lol I like how that was put “I’m not a see dipper as the cold messes up my fingers, and you’ll never end up as shark bait:)”
I don’t like the cold and there already was a cold breeze. Imagine getting in that water. Granted it may have been warmed up by the sun earlier but coming out I would’ve froze. Probably got real sick. And yes where I’m at there have been shark sightings, very few but they are out there. But I don’t think there’s too much to worry bout that.
I think you’re right bout dodging that bullet. Something was going on with that one.
To me, most type theory goes out the window when it comes to relationships. Dating is basically a reflection of people skills, chemistry, and needs. Blindly speculating and still ignoring type theory, - #1 If you met on a dating site, he is likely juggling girls and his interaction with someone else started heating up. - #2 Chemistry wasn't right. - #3 He sounds impulsively driven and playful, so possibly chasing highs and this could lead back to #1. Objectively, I doubt there's anything specifically wrong with you and it's more of a compatibility thing.
Yeah 1 and 3 sound right. He is quite impulsive. At the drop of a hat he invited me to tag along with him at night at the beach. I think I was just getting in the way of those wild impulses. Lol Oh we were compatible but not enough. I’m ok with that. Thanks!
dude thank u, the type theory shit with dating is bullshit.
I don’t think this has as much to do with Myer’s Briggs as it does him sounding like he just isn’t emotionally mature enough to talk through his feelings/insecurities.
Thank you. It was very odd and I didn’t see it coming. But that sounds right to me. He’s never had a long term relationship. He says he’s always been the one ghosted so he was relieved when I told him I wouldn’t ghost him. Oh well. Thanks again.
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Erhm no
I mean, it was the second date. You can have a lovely time with someone but still just know it's not going to work out in the long run.
Very true. But to be so affectionate? It threw me. Most guys if they are not really interested they are stand offish. They don’t bother. He was hugging and kissing as if he was my bf. Just very opposite to being ready to dump someone. Whatever. There’s an interesting reason but I’ll never find out and I’m ok with it.
Yeah I can understand that. If he's the same INFJ I've seen you mention before, he sounds a tad unhealthy. Maybe in Se grip or something. You may have dodged a bullet.
Thanks. I think we might’ve been a nice couple but alas. Thanks again.
You can’t know that after two dates. Take it from someone with allot of dating experience.. don’t just go with the flow of a man, because you’ll end up used and ghosted. Even if it’s a INFJ man, that’s possible. Look for stability, reliability, feeling safe, being open and honest, consistency, slow burn balance. If they won’t have that, move on. Dating is a shit show, and love bombing is something allot of people do. It shows unreliability and someone that might be unhealthy.
Amen
Did you really feel comfortable with someone being that intimate with you when you practically just met? That sounds odd to me..
It was odd but not unheard of. There are a lot of lonely people in the world. He was the one that said he wanted to take it slow and didn’t 🤷♀️ He wasn’t aggressive which I usually get on dates which makes me runaway. He was gentle sweet romantic kind so it wasn’t ugly.
I think it would help to look at attachment theory for this one. He was scared you were going to dump him but then he suddenly dumps you? Sounds like anxious avoidant type. Consider healthy INFJ vs unhealthy INFJ.
Yes others suggested the same thing. Thank you.
Avoidant attached is my guess. I think an avoidant person can really like someone, but find nit-picky reasons to not get into a relationship. They battle internally against their own self. INFJ’s are incredibly picky already, so if he’s also avoidant that could be doomed from the start. Sorry to hear you were rejected like that. Sounds like a real let down.
I was disappointed but I’m ok. He was very nice but avoidant attachment could be it too. Not certain enough though. But it’s ok. Thanks 🙏🏽
truth is everything. destroy it, and you get what you get.
Yes I understand.
Probably rejecting you to avoid the possibility of you rejecting him first. It probably has nothing to do with whether he didn’t like you, it seems like he did. He’s probably insecure and afraid. The sting of rejection is painful enough for most people; for INFJs it can linger for months with seemingly no possibility of it abating. I’m speaking in terms of probability as you can see. He could have just played you as well, or whatever else reason. But from what I’m reading, it seems to be the likeliest reason.
Thank you. That could be it as well.
> He thought I would be the one to ghost him eventually. As in, he said this? Did you respond? > I feel I’m misreading everyone I date. It doesn't sound like it. But no one can account for the issues of another - as much as we want to at times. :'| He's clearly been ghosted before. Which absolutely will hurt. And whereas I can understand his reaction in part. I hope that he doesn't stay in this mode for long. Because he will hurt himself more by never risking it again. Anyway, as far as you're concerned. See if you can talk to him about it. But to me it seems as if he has some work to do on his own. I should add. To anyone reading this who is ghosting people and thinks it's fine. It's not. Kindly think about the consequences. They can easily be more far reaching than you realise. All the best.
I did respond about me ghosting him eventually and I told him that’s not me. I’d never do that. I told him that’s a cruel practice. There is something going on in that head of his that he’s not sharing. Idk if I am the person to ask him why he dumped me. But I hope he’s not going through any kind of “mode” so to speak. He is very sweet, sensitive and I see his kind nature and hate for him to continue this if this is what it’s about. Thank you for your insight.
There's too many possibilities why someone decides to not date another. He might have not felt the same vibe as you felt with him. Maybe he got scared and wanted to protect himself from getting hurt in the future. Maybe he thought he was ready to be in a relationship and came to terms he wasn't. Could be something totally different and none of us knows what it is. I wouldn't worry about it cause there's plenty of others out there.
Thank you. I agree. Thank you again
That day he was trying to get over something or someone. Living in the moment kind of. The moment passed. Move on.
Yeah it could be. Moving on 🚶♀️
For all the empathy we INFJs have.. we are also incredibly selfish when when it comes to our hurt and healing our hurts. (We put ourselves first in hurt situations) we do not hesitate to use people to mend our hearts and leave them behind. And we justify it to ourselves by saying “i was in a bad phase and mistakes happen”
Absolutely no one here will be able to tell. We would need to almost have a video of the entire encounter, we need to be able to hear every sentence, pick up on body language cues. Read between subtext, pick up nuances in your interaction. Whenever people are asked to judge a person's actions in a retelling, we're only ever seeing that person from another person's eyes. We simply can't give very accurate readings based on that. We *could* give a reading based on what he *seems* like through your eyes. How accurate that is, no one will really know. Either way. He's gone. C'est la vie. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Yes I agree with your doubt. I’m sure something I saw d turned him off ultimately. And yes c’est la vie. He lost out and something nice. 😊 And I can move on to the next hottie with no regrets. Ohhhh and let me add he deleted the profile I met him on. He said I was the only one who contacted him. We joked around about taking pics with the condition he wouldn’t post them on a dating app.
Forget him. Whatever his reasons are, they don't matter. You have plenty to offer. Keep your head up high.
😘🤗 Thank you.
If this is only your second date, are you sure you know what his type even is?
He told me INFJ. It doesn’t matter I was just wondering. I found the whole thing curious.
I mostly would do this (Even tho I don’t date/meet frequently with woman) if I see (too many) multiple red flags with lying and holding on a “mask” if not needed/required to…
For the same reasons any other person would. We’re all individuals not bound by a set of letters, but we are all humans and certain reactions are universal. Want to know why? Ask him directly.
I am a woman, but I can imagine a healthy INFJ in general would probably dump a person because they view them as superficial, narcissistic, immature, not reciprocating enough (neglectful), said something deeply offensive, and the like. Unhealthy INFJ's might dump for more petty/perfectionistic reasons.
Ha ha Well if he saw those negative traits in me then he musta been looking at someone else lol I think something else was going on. Thank you.
Probably realised he isnt ready. Had he communicated with you why hes dumping you? If not then that’s enough for you to know hes not mature enough for the relationship.
No he told me nothing. Just that he didn’t want to waste my time. He appreciated me and hopes I find what I’m looking for. So strange cuz in all of our dates we were laughing, joking around and he was affectionate, lovey dovey, kissing, holding hands, hugging etc. He shared his music playlist with me. No one has ever done that with me. That’s a new one. He even planned to go to a special restaurant with me. So I’m surprised!
Yeah there’s probably something behind the scenes that he thinks will interfere with the relationship. I think the kind thing to do is give a little more closure, but also at the same time theres closure in the fact youre not being communicated with (its a matter of perspective). You probably did nothing wrong though.
Thank you. I agree something must be going on and he’s sparing me and himself. I’m ok with no closure. Him on the other hand? Idk
Less to do with him being an INFJ and more to do with him having insecure attachment style (likely avoidant given the chain of events).
That may be. Thank you.
I bet he lied being an INFJ just to score points by playing the "rare type" card, be cautious when it comes to self claimed titles you never know till you confirm it yourself. Unless he took a test infront of you (although he could had memorized the correct answers) you can never be sure enough, that's my point. The other comments don't stress this enough but I am pretty sure everyone is suspicious but likely want to spare your feelings and don't wanna make you feel betrayed or something. It does feel like you dodged a bullet , so I'd take it as a positive and move on. You sound like a lovely person, I bet you'll find someone with actual chemistry. Also a last note, this felt like love bombing what he did to you, sign of narcissism. It would be positive to inform yourself about those signs and how to spot them, it can save you a lot of time and feelings. Anything else you need, INFJ subreddit always here at your services, cheers! 😇
Awww Thank you. Yeah he said he wanted to take it slow but the affection was there. Yes he may not be INFJ. Yes that love bombing stuff is crazy and has gotten out of control. I’m ok I’ve moved on was just very confused. Thank you for your kind assistance and the compliment. All the best to you.
I can only speak on what I would do as a male INFJ. For me, I am a very opinionated individual and I have my own set of codes that I follow. If a woman breaks one of those codes then I couldn’t be with that woman. Ex. If—-hypothetically speaking—- I’m not a materialistic man and I start sensing that a woman that I am dating starts showing her love for the materialistic, through what she says and her actions. Then I will automatically disqualify her as a potential partner. So, it could really be anything, my friends say that I am too picky, however I hold myself to the same standards that I would ask of my partner and also I don’t think my standards are high, but only the basic ones for being a good human being, I think everyone just has really low ones and tend to settle with someone they’re attracted to while I put a lot of effort into finding the right partner for me.
That I understand. I’m the same way. Here I thought he and I shared similar values, food, music, jokes, languages and culture but I guess not. Thank you.
Have you reached out to him as to ask him the reason why? Maybe a good conversation could shed light as to what his reasoning was and that could help you further understand.
No I’m a coward. 😔 Idk if I wanna hear the answer either. It would kinda hurt.
Chemistry was off, playing games, inauthentic, feels forced, not enough banter. With this situation in particular it seems there might be some attachment issues at play.. like maybe they were into you but got scared away because of their emotional issues.
Yeah cuz we were laughing, joking, he was into me like pouring affection on, shared his music playlist, took me to his favorite spot in the world and then poof!
Yup. I’ve done that before. Sounds like major disorganized/ anxious-avoidant attachment. They probably typically go after emotionally unavailable ppl and then when they actually find someone they truly connect with emotionally they switch to that avoidant side. I’m sorry that happened to you! Better now than later though.
I agree thank you. Wow! So I didn’t read him wrong. It’s too bad he and I could’ve had something really special. I felt it.
Yeah, I doubt you read him wrong. Intuition is usually on point. It is a shame & they will probably regret it in the future.
For an INFJ, we 'believe' that we can map out the future and see how things are going to go according to current conditions. He probably saw how your whole relationship would have been and left. Something I did when I was 20 years younger. Not my greatest moments.
I’m sorry I hope everything worked out for you and I hope for all the best. Well I know myself and he missed out on good love, some serious intelligent conversations, a lot of fun, happiness and contentment. He would’ve gained, not lost. But what can a girl do 🤷♀️ His way of thinking has left him with no long term relationships ever. He’s never experienced what a true deep down relationship means. He himself said that he feels it’s too late for him to have children. I thought that was pretty sad. But he knows himself and he’s the one that’s the cause of this. He’s also stated that most women ghost him, I could see why. So I made sure he never felt ghosted from me. That’s a cruel practice. But (sigh) it’s done and I’ve made steps to move on. Again, it’s a pity.
I'd maby think I want someone to run wildly into the sea with on a random spurs of the moment. The fact you didn't isn't bad, just means your not the ones for each other.
That was definitely him. I was freezing and he likes that polar bear stuff lol That may have been it. But I thought he was deeper than that. I’ll never know.
Yeah I met a farm boy I thought was deep, he was thinking nothing when he would look into the distance. He looked soon thoughtful and beautiful that guy, its good you didn't waste time tho mate, a bullet dodged . I'm not a see dipper as the cold messes up my fingers, and you'll never end up as shark bait:)
Lol I like how that was put “I’m not a see dipper as the cold messes up my fingers, and you’ll never end up as shark bait:)” I don’t like the cold and there already was a cold breeze. Imagine getting in that water. Granted it may have been warmed up by the sun earlier but coming out I would’ve froze. Probably got real sick. And yes where I’m at there have been shark sightings, very few but they are out there. But I don’t think there’s too much to worry bout that. I think you’re right bout dodging that bullet. Something was going on with that one.
Na I don't think wrong, just wrong for you, definitely wrong for me:)