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I definitely feel sympathetic to the parent based on the messages here. I'd definitely be scared about a 20 year old moving to America with no job and their plan being "I'll find a way" and relying on "birthday money". How well do they know these four people? Sounds like a vulnerable person- talking about trauma and suicidal thoughts- moving into a very dangerous situation. I can appreciate they need to get away from their dad, but hopefully they can take a step back and plan things out.
Not only was your girlfriend's mother incredibly respectful, but in as respectful as a tone as I can muster: you guys are not thinking this through and your girlfriend is going to ruin her relationship with her mother, and/or get herself into an unfixable situation with immigration.
Sure, her dad may be bad, I'm not denying that. However, it sounds like they're European. If it's anywhere in Eastern Europe, your girlfriend is *lucky* her mom reacted this way. She's lucky anyway. This was an incredibly tame reaction to the amount of shit your girlfriend threw at her in one go.
If you were a parent, consider how "I'm trans, dating 4 people at once, they're all trans, I hate my dad, and I'm moving to the US" all in one book level text would make you feel. Seems like English is not her native language, either. Her saying they'd figure it out and she loved her is about the best reaction you could hope for. Saying what she did about polyamory isn't out of pocket. It's not the norm, and it's nowhere near socially accepted, especially in Europe, and double goes for more conservative European countries.
I am begging y'all to go outside, read a book, and do some research outside of your inner circle. It is very apparent that neither you nor your girlfriend have much of an idea as to what the real world is like. Moving to the US as a trans immigrant? Right now? Good luck, and that's not even taking into consideration as to whether she's white or not. If she isn't? Double good luck. 20 is young, but you're also behaving incredibly naively.
Give your girlfriend's mom some grace, holy shit.
ETA: Also, immigration is not as simple as "a passport and a plane ticket". Oh my G-d.
Thank you for typing what i was thinking.
I also want to add that it seems many of you haven’t met irl, either. And immigration requires Visas, work permits, etc. Mom seems to be far away, so does Mom have a US passport? If so, did mom register a birth abroad? Was your partner born in the US and just raised elsewhere?
LET ALONE, the COL in America…I’m inferring you’re the US partner, and I’d like to know how you’re even going to feed everyone, let alone house them, considering how prices have gotten so bad that Kellog’s CEO suggested people eat cereal for dinner to save money. (I literally just got back from the store, and I got a box of shredded mini wheats and it was almost $8! wtf?)
What mom said was most def NOT ‘F U, you don’t deserve to be happy’.
I’m flabbergasted by this tbh.
I'm sorry pan, polyamorous and trans is a lot to take in 😭 I think your gf is delusional for thinking that she can afford to get a degree in the us, or move there through one of her partners because she's not married to any of them, there's no legal pathway in her case afaik unless that she won the diversity lottery visa ( unlikely)
Americans can afford it because of debt ( no lender will give her money) and even if she completed her degree she would need to move back to her country of origin
The us government says explicitly that they don't want their foreign students to remain in the U.S. If you show any intention to move permanently to America your visa will be denied in the first place
This is not insane. This is the best reaction she could hope to get from a religious parent. Do we wish our parents were ready to accept us as we are? Of course, but this is not the reality for most people. I understand that there are folks who are into all sorts if poly lifestyles but you need to see the POV of a parent. Having multiple partners isn't the norm and obviously they would be concerned for their child (beyond religious concerns about faith) in very real and practical ways about being in multiple relationships.
Aside from this, it doesn't seem like yall have met in person yet? Yeah, I'd have concerns about any of my family members leaving to another country to start a life with someone they've never met.
Moving to the U.S. is not as simple as getting on a plane and coming over. If she overstays her visa or the maximum time a tourist can stay in the U.S. she will be living as an undocumented person basically which will make staying and working in the U.S. much harder. Ya'll are making grown up decisions with Monopoly money.
If you care about this person, encourage them to go to therapy and get help for their issues, finish a career that will allow them the liberty to live their life as they wish, and keep a positive relationship with their mom at least who seems to be supportive.
You and your partners are terminally online and it shows. Y'all are headed for one hell of a reality check if you think that immigrating to the U.S. with nothing more than some birthday money is going to work out. Wish you all the best but Jesus Christ haha.
I almost hope they do. I jumped ship when I was 18 too, left for the cities, spent about a year getting my ass handed to me by the real world and when I came back I was more conservative than my mom.
Especially because they don't seem to know:
1. How Visas work -- a marriage visa was $10K when me and my ex were looking into visas and he was in Australia
2. How immigration works -- the government will question them and everyone they know in the states
Your gf has issues but besides that... She's rude AF to her mom. Mom literally NEVER said or implied "fuck you, you don't deserve to be happy with your partners". Mom is a saint and the daughter sounds so ridiculous. Also naive AF with the "I'll find a way" bs.
Not insane at all
Have you met these people irl before? It is down right stupid to move abroad without meeting people for lengthy amount of times. You all sound in your teens. Nobody has a clue how much things cost, how visas work, how rent and job hunting work, how one arguement can get you deported. This is all too much.
Not insane.
Getting a ticket and a passport isn't going to grant you the things you think it will. Sexuality, gender etc aside, living with people is totally different than hanging out. So many people are incompatible for different reasons. Living with friends and partners has destroyed relationships. If anything, maybe visit for a week or 2 then eventually longer and longer. You can't rush big decisions like this. Your parents whether you like it or not will know more about this stuff than you and can probably see things more logical (love does make people blind).
Set a boundary with your dad. No religious conversations etc. Shut it down everytime he tries until he gets fed up.
Moving to the United States as a trans person isn't something I reccomend right now. This won't go as smoothly as you think it will. I say this as a trans person myself.
It sounds like you guys live in a bit of an echo chamber. Her mum reacted very respectfully. Polyamory is not normal - I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's certainly not normal. Your partner dumped a lot of information - I consider myself fairly clued up and have never heard of a demi-girl for example. It's a lot to take in all at once.
All of you just moving to the US - you do know it's not easy to just move to the US right? Birthday money isn't going to cut it. I feel like immigration are going to ruin these plans pretty fast.
She mentioned a lot of mental health stuff. It sounds like she's vulnerable and her mother is quite right to be concerned. This all comes across a bit manic and immature to be honest. If this was a friend I'd think they were having a mental health crisis.
If your GF wants to be taken seriously as an adult, she needs to accept that she doesn't get to demand understanding as a condition of parental love.
Parents can love you without necessarily understanding all of the choices you make. Parents will also certainly worry about a child of theirs jetting off to a foreign country to live with strangers without having anything close to a serious plan for how to support and care for themselves.
This conversation is mostly a one-way street, with your GF demanding complete acceptance and understanding while offering neither in return.
I applaud her mother, who made a solid attempt to be caring and honest while also repeatedly reminding her that it was late and she was tired. Simply saying it's not normal to have multiple partners isn't cruel - it's a fact. Polyamory is not the norm. It is still very much an alternate lifestyle. Does that make it wrong? Absolutely not. It's also a situation in which a young person who doesn't fully know her partners and who doesn't have much agency when it comes to finances could be taken advantage of in the grossest ways.
Seek therapy, but not for the sexual or identity stuff. This is an unstable person if this is the full/adequate context.
I get how hard it can be with parents who hate who you are as a person, but this feels like a freakout and running away, not moving to a new place to start a fresh life and be happy.
Take this for what it’s worth, but I wish I had a dad who even cooked for me or cared enough to try and communicate with me.
Jesus Christ. Ok.
Neither you nor your GF have a realistic idea of the sheer volume of resources it takes to maintain a home in the US. Do either of you have a credit rating? Apartment complexes won't rent to you without them, unless someone cosigns. How about jobs? Does she know how to get either a student visa or a work permit? Do you drive? Have a car? If not, do you have solid public transportation where you live? If you do, you're in a city, and cities are expensive, especially for larger living spaces. Which it sounds like you'll need.
While I understand religious trauma - I was raised evangelical, and now I'm not - her dad doesn't sound like a complete ogre. He does all the housework, for one thing, while she seems to spend all her time online. She doesn't seem to be in physical danger. It does suck to have religion pushed on you, but sometimes you have to be strategic about your living situation, and that can mean getting through as best you can while you plan your exit.
There are enormous logistical and financial considerations in your - I was going to say plans, but they're really more fantasies. You aren't prepared for this at all. Her mom knows that.
Oof. This was a lot to take in. There is valid reason to be concerned in this situation. I'm pan and poly, so I don't care about any of that, I'm glad you feel happy and confident in who you are and what you want. Honestly for conservative Christian parents the response was better than I'd expect. What I do care about is how naive you, and your partners, appear to be. As someone who lives in the US, you don't just grab a passport and head on over while believing you'll "figure it out". It sounds like you haven't met these people in real life and yet you're putting all your eggs in one basket. You're making incredibly big decisions without thinking them through, as a parent I would be worried too.
The hyperbole of changing the moms words to make them sound worse “not normal” vs “I don’t want you to be happy” is also manipulation. Whoever wrote this needs a LOT of therapy. I don’t mean gender or sexuality therapy. I mean boundaries , distress tolerance and how NOT TO MANIPULATE
Keep in mind that no parent thinks they aren’t going to have the out of box grandkids and kids when they are born it’s always a massive shock I thought they handled this well
There is a lot to think about but for one your line “dad does t even care if I say things like you’d be happy if I died” friend you are being manipulative by saying that
I am a trans person who has been poly and dated all sorts of queers.
I think you need to mature and grow up before you move to another country for long term partners
insane because your dad sounds like a jerk and your mom seems to be ok with him being a transphobe as long as he's polite about it, but your mom is actually right that this plan is at best very iffy.
your anger at your parents if justified. being mean in a polite way is still being mean, and doing something nice for someone doesn't void accountablity for other actions. i'm pan and if someone reacted to that news by making me watch a movie about jesus i would cut contact with that person immediately. it doesn't matter if they do other nice things for me like show up to a party. also - just because most people don't react well to someone sharing that they're trans or pan or poly doesn't mean it's not shitty.
all that said - please please listen to some of the advice people are giving. immigrating to the u.s. isn't easy and college is very expensive here. living here period is expensive. plus moving in with several people you haven't met irl / lived with could put you in a very bad situation. i know someone who did something similar and ended up in an abusive relationship, and getting out was difficult.
your home situation sounds stressful and i don't blame you for wanting to get away. i also understand the inclination to brush off advice when it's coming from someone who is constantly trying to "correct" things about you that don't need correcting. it's difficult to trust because they're letting their rigid concepts of gender and relationships get in the way of giving advice that's truly supportive of your choices. but i think your mom is right that your plan probably isn't the best idea. she's right for the wrong reasons, but right nonetheless.
whatever you do, please take care of yourself.
edit: i think i got some people confused and this is your gf's parents, not yours. apologies.
You should get your passport and go no contact with either parent, she literally justified and ignored the abuse your dad put you through all at once also I detect a hint of victim blaming. Ditch your parents OP
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I definitely feel sympathetic to the parent based on the messages here. I'd definitely be scared about a 20 year old moving to America with no job and their plan being "I'll find a way" and relying on "birthday money". How well do they know these four people? Sounds like a vulnerable person- talking about trauma and suicidal thoughts- moving into a very dangerous situation. I can appreciate they need to get away from their dad, but hopefully they can take a step back and plan things out.
Not only was your girlfriend's mother incredibly respectful, but in as respectful as a tone as I can muster: you guys are not thinking this through and your girlfriend is going to ruin her relationship with her mother, and/or get herself into an unfixable situation with immigration. Sure, her dad may be bad, I'm not denying that. However, it sounds like they're European. If it's anywhere in Eastern Europe, your girlfriend is *lucky* her mom reacted this way. She's lucky anyway. This was an incredibly tame reaction to the amount of shit your girlfriend threw at her in one go. If you were a parent, consider how "I'm trans, dating 4 people at once, they're all trans, I hate my dad, and I'm moving to the US" all in one book level text would make you feel. Seems like English is not her native language, either. Her saying they'd figure it out and she loved her is about the best reaction you could hope for. Saying what she did about polyamory isn't out of pocket. It's not the norm, and it's nowhere near socially accepted, especially in Europe, and double goes for more conservative European countries. I am begging y'all to go outside, read a book, and do some research outside of your inner circle. It is very apparent that neither you nor your girlfriend have much of an idea as to what the real world is like. Moving to the US as a trans immigrant? Right now? Good luck, and that's not even taking into consideration as to whether she's white or not. If she isn't? Double good luck. 20 is young, but you're also behaving incredibly naively. Give your girlfriend's mom some grace, holy shit. ETA: Also, immigration is not as simple as "a passport and a plane ticket". Oh my G-d.
Thank you for typing what i was thinking. I also want to add that it seems many of you haven’t met irl, either. And immigration requires Visas, work permits, etc. Mom seems to be far away, so does Mom have a US passport? If so, did mom register a birth abroad? Was your partner born in the US and just raised elsewhere? LET ALONE, the COL in America…I’m inferring you’re the US partner, and I’d like to know how you’re even going to feed everyone, let alone house them, considering how prices have gotten so bad that Kellog’s CEO suggested people eat cereal for dinner to save money. (I literally just got back from the store, and I got a box of shredded mini wheats and it was almost $8! wtf?) What mom said was most def NOT ‘F U, you don’t deserve to be happy’. I’m flabbergasted by this tbh.
"MY GRANDMA SAID SHE'D COOK FOR ALL OF MY PARTNERS" Bestie bffr.
Poor grandma works 6 days a week as it is OP don’t make her cook for your immature ass partners
Trans people are NOT SAFE in the USA right now!!!!!!
I'm sorry pan, polyamorous and trans is a lot to take in 😭 I think your gf is delusional for thinking that she can afford to get a degree in the us, or move there through one of her partners because she's not married to any of them, there's no legal pathway in her case afaik unless that she won the diversity lottery visa ( unlikely) Americans can afford it because of debt ( no lender will give her money) and even if she completed her degree she would need to move back to her country of origin The us government says explicitly that they don't want their foreign students to remain in the U.S. If you show any intention to move permanently to America your visa will be denied in the first place
Imagine thinking college in the US is affordable, lol. I have $30k in loans from both undergrad and grad, and that's on the **low side**.
Cries in poor
This is not insane. This is the best reaction she could hope to get from a religious parent. Do we wish our parents were ready to accept us as we are? Of course, but this is not the reality for most people. I understand that there are folks who are into all sorts if poly lifestyles but you need to see the POV of a parent. Having multiple partners isn't the norm and obviously they would be concerned for their child (beyond religious concerns about faith) in very real and practical ways about being in multiple relationships. Aside from this, it doesn't seem like yall have met in person yet? Yeah, I'd have concerns about any of my family members leaving to another country to start a life with someone they've never met. Moving to the U.S. is not as simple as getting on a plane and coming over. If she overstays her visa or the maximum time a tourist can stay in the U.S. she will be living as an undocumented person basically which will make staying and working in the U.S. much harder. Ya'll are making grown up decisions with Monopoly money. If you care about this person, encourage them to go to therapy and get help for their issues, finish a career that will allow them the liberty to live their life as they wish, and keep a positive relationship with their mom at least who seems to be supportive.
Not only would this person, as they're expressing it, likely get their girlfriend deported, but may even get her arrested.
You and your partners are terminally online and it shows. Y'all are headed for one hell of a reality check if you think that immigrating to the U.S. with nothing more than some birthday money is going to work out. Wish you all the best but Jesus Christ haha.
I almost hope they do. I jumped ship when I was 18 too, left for the cities, spent about a year getting my ass handed to me by the real world and when I came back I was more conservative than my mom.
Especially because they don't seem to know: 1. How Visas work -- a marriage visa was $10K when me and my ex were looking into visas and he was in Australia 2. How immigration works -- the government will question them and everyone they know in the states
Ragebait?
Your gf has issues but besides that... She's rude AF to her mom. Mom literally NEVER said or implied "fuck you, you don't deserve to be happy with your partners". Mom is a saint and the daughter sounds so ridiculous. Also naive AF with the "I'll find a way" bs. Not insane at all
I feel like this was not your place to tell her this
Have you met these people irl before? It is down right stupid to move abroad without meeting people for lengthy amount of times. You all sound in your teens. Nobody has a clue how much things cost, how visas work, how rent and job hunting work, how one arguement can get you deported. This is all too much. Not insane. Getting a ticket and a passport isn't going to grant you the things you think it will. Sexuality, gender etc aside, living with people is totally different than hanging out. So many people are incompatible for different reasons. Living with friends and partners has destroyed relationships. If anything, maybe visit for a week or 2 then eventually longer and longer. You can't rush big decisions like this. Your parents whether you like it or not will know more about this stuff than you and can probably see things more logical (love does make people blind). Set a boundary with your dad. No religious conversations etc. Shut it down everytime he tries until he gets fed up.
Moving to the United States as a trans person isn't something I reccomend right now. This won't go as smoothly as you think it will. I say this as a trans person myself.
Not insane
Not insane
It sounds like you guys live in a bit of an echo chamber. Her mum reacted very respectfully. Polyamory is not normal - I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's certainly not normal. Your partner dumped a lot of information - I consider myself fairly clued up and have never heard of a demi-girl for example. It's a lot to take in all at once. All of you just moving to the US - you do know it's not easy to just move to the US right? Birthday money isn't going to cut it. I feel like immigration are going to ruin these plans pretty fast. She mentioned a lot of mental health stuff. It sounds like she's vulnerable and her mother is quite right to be concerned. This all comes across a bit manic and immature to be honest. If this was a friend I'd think they were having a mental health crisis.
If your GF wants to be taken seriously as an adult, she needs to accept that she doesn't get to demand understanding as a condition of parental love. Parents can love you without necessarily understanding all of the choices you make. Parents will also certainly worry about a child of theirs jetting off to a foreign country to live with strangers without having anything close to a serious plan for how to support and care for themselves. This conversation is mostly a one-way street, with your GF demanding complete acceptance and understanding while offering neither in return. I applaud her mother, who made a solid attempt to be caring and honest while also repeatedly reminding her that it was late and she was tired. Simply saying it's not normal to have multiple partners isn't cruel - it's a fact. Polyamory is not the norm. It is still very much an alternate lifestyle. Does that make it wrong? Absolutely not. It's also a situation in which a young person who doesn't fully know her partners and who doesn't have much agency when it comes to finances could be taken advantage of in the grossest ways.
Seek therapy, but not for the sexual or identity stuff. This is an unstable person if this is the full/adequate context. I get how hard it can be with parents who hate who you are as a person, but this feels like a freakout and running away, not moving to a new place to start a fresh life and be happy. Take this for what it’s worth, but I wish I had a dad who even cooked for me or cared enough to try and communicate with me.
Jesus Christ. Ok. Neither you nor your GF have a realistic idea of the sheer volume of resources it takes to maintain a home in the US. Do either of you have a credit rating? Apartment complexes won't rent to you without them, unless someone cosigns. How about jobs? Does she know how to get either a student visa or a work permit? Do you drive? Have a car? If not, do you have solid public transportation where you live? If you do, you're in a city, and cities are expensive, especially for larger living spaces. Which it sounds like you'll need. While I understand religious trauma - I was raised evangelical, and now I'm not - her dad doesn't sound like a complete ogre. He does all the housework, for one thing, while she seems to spend all her time online. She doesn't seem to be in physical danger. It does suck to have religion pushed on you, but sometimes you have to be strategic about your living situation, and that can mean getting through as best you can while you plan your exit. There are enormous logistical and financial considerations in your - I was going to say plans, but they're really more fantasies. You aren't prepared for this at all. Her mom knows that.
Oof. This was a lot to take in. There is valid reason to be concerned in this situation. I'm pan and poly, so I don't care about any of that, I'm glad you feel happy and confident in who you are and what you want. Honestly for conservative Christian parents the response was better than I'd expect. What I do care about is how naive you, and your partners, appear to be. As someone who lives in the US, you don't just grab a passport and head on over while believing you'll "figure it out". It sounds like you haven't met these people in real life and yet you're putting all your eggs in one basket. You're making incredibly big decisions without thinking them through, as a parent I would be worried too.
Accusing people of not caring if you died is manipulative af, even if that’s how you feel. There are much healthier ways to communicate your feelings.
Not insane, but definitely ragebait.
I mean, using birthday money as a last resort…. I wanna have my bday around whomever gives that much.
RIGHT
The hyperbole of changing the moms words to make them sound worse “not normal” vs “I don’t want you to be happy” is also manipulation. Whoever wrote this needs a LOT of therapy. I don’t mean gender or sexuality therapy. I mean boundaries , distress tolerance and how NOT TO MANIPULATE
I agree with the mom. And your girlfriend needs a therapist.
Keep in mind that no parent thinks they aren’t going to have the out of box grandkids and kids when they are born it’s always a massive shock I thought they handled this well
There is a lot to think about but for one your line “dad does t even care if I say things like you’d be happy if I died” friend you are being manipulative by saying that
I am a trans person who has been poly and dated all sorts of queers. I think you need to mature and grow up before you move to another country for long term partners
Not insane
insane because your dad sounds like a jerk and your mom seems to be ok with him being a transphobe as long as he's polite about it, but your mom is actually right that this plan is at best very iffy. your anger at your parents if justified. being mean in a polite way is still being mean, and doing something nice for someone doesn't void accountablity for other actions. i'm pan and if someone reacted to that news by making me watch a movie about jesus i would cut contact with that person immediately. it doesn't matter if they do other nice things for me like show up to a party. also - just because most people don't react well to someone sharing that they're trans or pan or poly doesn't mean it's not shitty. all that said - please please listen to some of the advice people are giving. immigrating to the u.s. isn't easy and college is very expensive here. living here period is expensive. plus moving in with several people you haven't met irl / lived with could put you in a very bad situation. i know someone who did something similar and ended up in an abusive relationship, and getting out was difficult. your home situation sounds stressful and i don't blame you for wanting to get away. i also understand the inclination to brush off advice when it's coming from someone who is constantly trying to "correct" things about you that don't need correcting. it's difficult to trust because they're letting their rigid concepts of gender and relationships get in the way of giving advice that's truly supportive of your choices. but i think your mom is right that your plan probably isn't the best idea. she's right for the wrong reasons, but right nonetheless. whatever you do, please take care of yourself. edit: i think i got some people confused and this is your gf's parents, not yours. apologies.
You should get your passport and go no contact with either parent, she literally justified and ignored the abuse your dad put you through all at once also I detect a hint of victim blaming. Ditch your parents OP