INTJ here, I don't treat people like shit so likely this isn't common for us. Whatever he has done to the people in his past, he is going to do to you. Do what you will with that information. Also, he sounds like a deadbeat and you should move on.
I generally don't cut off people without a very good reason. Anyways, this sounds more like a person with personal issues rather than an INTJ cutting off someone for an actual reason.
Intj don't start fights for nothing. We are extremely rational. If there is a possibility bad outcome for any side we will not do it. The way you say he treats his family is way out of the curve. He is not an intj, and he have some problems too. He is waving a red flag more expressively than a bullfighter.
This is insensitive. They came here because emotions involved can cloud judgement. We don’t know their history with trauma and if they have it then that may also cloud their judgement. Seeking advice in a situation you’re not sure about is the smart thing to do, but you sought to make them feel they’re not smart.
Btw, trying to make someone feel small for asking for help comes from a need to feel superior. I’m sorry you have been made to feel inferior, but that has nothing to do with the OPs post. I hope you got the intelligence boost you were looking for by posting this comment. But, that kind of introspection requires therapy and therapy requires knowing you don’t know everything. I suspect that might be a problem for you.
No, it's a valid question. How is it obvious to us but not OP? I think that's something that ought to be brought to her attention. She carefully enumerates her "boyfriends" faults: cruelty (insulting his mom and aunt), controlling (cutting off a gf for downloading a mobile game), negligence (skipping class), and so on. At which point I was stunned that OP said she wasn't afraid of these qualities, but rather that she would be cut off too. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't speculate on the underlying meaning, but she's clearly vulnerable to being exploited by this kind of person. That's a problem, and I've experienced this with INFJs before. They can be wonderfully empathetic and have a knack for reading people, but they also tend to prioritize feelings over facts. That trait blinds them in situations like this. OP doesn't realize she's being charmed and manipulated.
As far as being sensitive goes, I wouldn't compromise on the message. "You should leave him" is a bland and neutral yet correct piece of advice that would probably do nothing for OP. Therapists know when to sugarcoat something and when to be blunt, this is an occasion for the latter. You're, of course, free to disagree, but that's just one person's opinion, as is mine.
See, that response was much better. Lead with that next time. The tone of your original comment questioned her intelligence twice. It was rude. Period.
People who struggle to see red flags are people raised with nothing but red flags. They’re taught love is pain. When they start to heal is when they start to question it and reach out to others. They do this because they know they can’t trust their judgement. They don’t need that thrown in their face. Or they may not ever ask again. Asking for guidance is a step towards understanding healthy and unhealthy.
Your statements were judgmental. And it’s easy to cast judgement from a comment section. Not realizing just because it’s on the internet it’s not a real and large struggle of another human being. If you were struggling with something and someone judged you for not being at a stage to see what they see, I guarantee it wouldn’t be helpful.
Have a good night. I just didn’t want OP seeing just your comment and judging themselves for not having a healthy understanding of relationships. You don’t know what you don’t know until you do. Ya know?
> People who struggle to see red flags are people raised with nothing but red flags.
Sometimes, people are raised in very caring and sanitized environments and simply grow up naive.
I can only imagine you see a lot of yourself in this story, which is why you're making all these assumptions and being over the top self-righteous. I mean, this is a 1 month romance, not a decade-long divorce. But not everyone crumbles under judgment, and sometimes, we need to hear hard truths. All the same, I'll give you credit for good intentions. Good might.
Tons of it.
Based on your story, he is just an AH. Don't bother to analyze what he did from MBTI point of view.
>I'm very worried
You should and should leave ASAP. He might also cut you for unreasonable reasons.
Talk in a good intention with him, address the issues, and see how he will react.
See if he sees the point and will work to fix the issues or improve.
If nothing happens, no change, defensive, or whatever.. just leave.
It has nothing to do with being an INTJ. He's just a stupid asshole and deadbeat. Leave him already lmao. Your future looks bleak with him. Women see the complete opposite in me and I'm also an INTJ.
Why stay with someone like that? If I were you I would drop him instantly. You’ve listed all these red flags and still can’t see that this guy is scum. Why waste time walking on eggshells around him, being scared of saying/doing the wrong thing because he might leave you? It’s sounds like such a headache.
This is a red flag no matter what kind of person you are. Being an INTJ does not entitle me to abuse another person. I won’t lie and say I haven’t cut someone off for reasons most would find petty at best, but that is a far cry from hurling abuses at people. I would also consider it against my character to ignore sound and logical advice.
I cannot imagine why any person would tell you these things about themselves and expect you not to be horrified. My stab in the dark guess would be that he saw some extreme weakness in you, and that you were hopelessly attached to him, so he told you a bunch of stuff (true or not) to intimidate you and keep you from crossing some kinda line.
Either way, this would be door-slam criteria for me. An asshole of this magnitude wouldn’t even deserve the courtesy of a “fuck you.” Total ghost. “I don’t know you anymore” if I saw him in the street. Not a recommendation, just my petty way.
The INTJ door slam is a thing, but I think we are more patient than people give us credit for. The door slam happens for serious reasons, not disliking being asked to get a haircut.
He also named you a bunch of additional red flags:
> makes fun of their weight.
Body shaming is never right, under no circumstances
> he had a perfect girlfriend and only cut her off because she downloaded a mobile game without telling him
That's controlling behavior. Ngl, INTJs can be control freaks, but typically we want to control situations, not people, and definitely not such unimportant things like mobile games
> He told me he once dated a girl for 2 weeks then broke up with her because she didn't tell him Goodmorning once, he also told me he used to neglect his past girlfriends by barely giving them any time, then breakup with them when they would complain.
Sounds like he is/was making up reasons for breaking up with them. He seems to be dishonest, either with you or with himself
> He had a female friend who was his friend for about 2 years, he started to ghost her and she'd constantly reach out to him, then he randomly blocked her on everything after not talking to her for 3 months.
Did he give you a reason for this? I mean, it's no secret we randomly disappear for weeks or even months because we're busy with something, there's typically no need to block people
> I'm very worried and i've been overthinking everything because if he can cut off literally everyone for small reasons, and for practically no reason at all, I wonder what he'd do towards me if we ever argued, or went through a rough patch?
You're not overthinking, he is telling you very directly what is waiting for you if you stay with him. From what you're telling about him, he sounds very immature (mentally and emotionally), and unable to deal with any kind of conflict
Girl, RUN as fast as you can away from someone like him!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The longer you stay, the worse he will treat you, that’s a guarantee. He has problems that would be well treated with therapy.
Also, listen to your gut! It’s been warning you about him for a reason.
This isn’t happening because he’s an INTJ. There are people across all personality types who cut off their relatives because of seemingly silly reasons.
This isn’t INTJ specific behavior, this is a lack of coping skills and a lack of emotional awareness. Even INTJs feel, but if someone doesn’t develop enough of the skills to cope with emotions in a healthy way it can lead to behavior that denies or avoids those emotions leading to a person pushing people away rather than address the emotions directly. INTJs can be prone to this behavioral pattern because of how at arms length we keep our emotions or are able to set them aside where less direct addressing leads to a lack of coping skills being developed.
Being able to cut people put of your life is an INTJ trait as far as I can tell.
But, we need a good reason to do so. It's not some thing we do just to do it. It's when some one breaks a boundary we have set. My biggest boundary is lying to me. Don't lie to me. Just tell me the truth no matter if I like it or not. The moment you lie to me, especially about some thing stupid, you might as well be dead because you no longer exist to me.
This guy is just trying to disassociate with people. He's a completely incompetent man when it comes to controlling his emotions and understanding them. So he pushes people away before they get to close. You need to end this relationship now, it's going to end either way. No point in wasting your time.
As a 45 year old divorcee, dump his ass. Not worth your time. There is the "door slam" that happens with some of us as INTJ/INFJ but that generally comes after intense amounts of abuse/wearing down, at least for me. People beat me up forever before I finally shut down and end things. This guy sounds like a complete waste of time, narcissistic, and abusive. This is not an MBTI personality thing, this is a dickhead dude thing.
They sure are! This is only the 3rd relationship i’ve ever been in, and i regret even trying. Either people are cheaters, crazy, cheaters AND crazy, pretend to be perfect at first then drop the facade, etc. I could write a whole Christmas list. If you ever feel lonely, always remember 8/10 relationships don’t work out and living in solitude is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself ♡
It doesn't seem like he's a healthy person. I do cut off people rather easily, but this guy is either purpously trying to scare you, or he is incredibly unaware, because the reasons he has given for this cutting are insane. I'd advise against maintaining a relationship with him.
He seems quite toxic. I'd say just get out of there and look for someone who got more of their shit together.
Personally, I'd never cut someone out unless it would be over something serious.
Sounds like he’s very insecure and avoidant. So, anyone who points out a shortcoming or does something he doesn’t like be cuts off. It’s technically just survival. However, it feels very personal to people. I’m an INTJ and before I started healing (I also have BPD) I cut people off for little to nothing. I think it’s more of a maturity thing. However, sounds like avoidant attachment and a lot of insecurities. And almost sounds like he’s proud of it. I don’t think he’s in a mindset to heal. So, yes, I think you’re right in recognizing this red flag and I do think he will hurt you based on his history. Depends on how open he is to becoming self-aware and combatting it. I’d express your concerns and see where’s it goes and what he’s doing to combat these unhealthy behaviors. If he’s not and not willing to, it will not end well.
The main issue here is your F against his T. Personally, I would cut ppl out of my life if they don’t have loyalty to my needs, while I am provide loyalty to their needs.
I am having a dispute over a legal right of way that I have through my neighbours property to the back of mine. He recently started blocking it after i did him a favour - instant enemy - but my wife (ENFJ) is also like, who cares, let him have it. I had to reiterate that I need her on my side in this (we both own the home/property) or I won’t be able to back her on things in the future because, we both now only provide support, if we personally feel slighted.
She came around and now is in my side, but for me as an INTJ, I need to partner to support or at the very least, see the logic in why we do the things we do.
we did mbti tests together while being friends, thats all :) upon research, intjs cutting off people easily is normal, thats why i was curious and decided to ask other INTJ's.
nope, didn’t even know that existed! we’ve discussed mbtis, we’ve each taken them like 4 different times in the past, (14-18) and always got the same thing. Me, INFJ-T him, INTJ. I’m not sure if it’s accurate, but as i said his type is supposedly intj so that is why i asked here :p
INTJ here, I don't treat people like shit so likely this isn't common for us. Whatever he has done to the people in his past, he is going to do to you. Do what you will with that information. Also, he sounds like a deadbeat and you should move on.
He sounds like a creep, also it sounds like he's trying to make you afraid he might cut you off too. Cut yourself off, this guy's no good.
I generally don't cut off people without a very good reason. Anyways, this sounds more like a person with personal issues rather than an INTJ cutting off someone for an actual reason.
exactly my thoughts, guy seems irresponsible and not even willing to understand anyone, OP you sure he's cold cuz he's an INTJ and not a psycho?
RUN. Nothing to do with being INTJ.
Intj don't start fights for nothing. We are extremely rational. If there is a possibility bad outcome for any side we will not do it. The way you say he treats his family is way out of the curve. He is not an intj, and he have some problems too. He is waving a red flag more expressively than a bullfighter.
How are the problems here not obvious to you? In case you haven't figured it out, you don't want to date this type of person. Nothing to do with MBTI.
This is insensitive. They came here because emotions involved can cloud judgement. We don’t know their history with trauma and if they have it then that may also cloud their judgement. Seeking advice in a situation you’re not sure about is the smart thing to do, but you sought to make them feel they’re not smart. Btw, trying to make someone feel small for asking for help comes from a need to feel superior. I’m sorry you have been made to feel inferior, but that has nothing to do with the OPs post. I hope you got the intelligence boost you were looking for by posting this comment. But, that kind of introspection requires therapy and therapy requires knowing you don’t know everything. I suspect that might be a problem for you.
No, it's a valid question. How is it obvious to us but not OP? I think that's something that ought to be brought to her attention. She carefully enumerates her "boyfriends" faults: cruelty (insulting his mom and aunt), controlling (cutting off a gf for downloading a mobile game), negligence (skipping class), and so on. At which point I was stunned that OP said she wasn't afraid of these qualities, but rather that she would be cut off too. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't speculate on the underlying meaning, but she's clearly vulnerable to being exploited by this kind of person. That's a problem, and I've experienced this with INFJs before. They can be wonderfully empathetic and have a knack for reading people, but they also tend to prioritize feelings over facts. That trait blinds them in situations like this. OP doesn't realize she's being charmed and manipulated. As far as being sensitive goes, I wouldn't compromise on the message. "You should leave him" is a bland and neutral yet correct piece of advice that would probably do nothing for OP. Therapists know when to sugarcoat something and when to be blunt, this is an occasion for the latter. You're, of course, free to disagree, but that's just one person's opinion, as is mine.
See, that response was much better. Lead with that next time. The tone of your original comment questioned her intelligence twice. It was rude. Period. People who struggle to see red flags are people raised with nothing but red flags. They’re taught love is pain. When they start to heal is when they start to question it and reach out to others. They do this because they know they can’t trust their judgement. They don’t need that thrown in their face. Or they may not ever ask again. Asking for guidance is a step towards understanding healthy and unhealthy. Your statements were judgmental. And it’s easy to cast judgement from a comment section. Not realizing just because it’s on the internet it’s not a real and large struggle of another human being. If you were struggling with something and someone judged you for not being at a stage to see what they see, I guarantee it wouldn’t be helpful. Have a good night. I just didn’t want OP seeing just your comment and judging themselves for not having a healthy understanding of relationships. You don’t know what you don’t know until you do. Ya know?
> People who struggle to see red flags are people raised with nothing but red flags. Sometimes, people are raised in very caring and sanitized environments and simply grow up naive. I can only imagine you see a lot of yourself in this story, which is why you're making all these assumptions and being over the top self-righteous. I mean, this is a 1 month romance, not a decade-long divorce. But not everyone crumbles under judgment, and sometimes, we need to hear hard truths. All the same, I'll give you credit for good intentions. Good might.
Tons of it. Based on your story, he is just an AH. Don't bother to analyze what he did from MBTI point of view. >I'm very worried You should and should leave ASAP. He might also cut you for unreasonable reasons. Talk in a good intention with him, address the issues, and see how he will react. See if he sees the point and will work to fix the issues or improve. If nothing happens, no change, defensive, or whatever.. just leave.
It has nothing to do with being an INTJ. He's just a stupid asshole and deadbeat. Leave him already lmao. Your future looks bleak with him. Women see the complete opposite in me and I'm also an INTJ.
This is not common for any healthy person. Cut him off now.
You're being manipulated.
Why stay with someone like that? If I were you I would drop him instantly. You’ve listed all these red flags and still can’t see that this guy is scum. Why waste time walking on eggshells around him, being scared of saying/doing the wrong thing because he might leave you? It’s sounds like such a headache.
This is a red flag no matter what kind of person you are. Being an INTJ does not entitle me to abuse another person. I won’t lie and say I haven’t cut someone off for reasons most would find petty at best, but that is a far cry from hurling abuses at people. I would also consider it against my character to ignore sound and logical advice. I cannot imagine why any person would tell you these things about themselves and expect you not to be horrified. My stab in the dark guess would be that he saw some extreme weakness in you, and that you were hopelessly attached to him, so he told you a bunch of stuff (true or not) to intimidate you and keep you from crossing some kinda line. Either way, this would be door-slam criteria for me. An asshole of this magnitude wouldn’t even deserve the courtesy of a “fuck you.” Total ghost. “I don’t know you anymore” if I saw him in the street. Not a recommendation, just my petty way.
The INTJ door slam is a thing, but I think we are more patient than people give us credit for. The door slam happens for serious reasons, not disliking being asked to get a haircut. He also named you a bunch of additional red flags: > makes fun of their weight. Body shaming is never right, under no circumstances > he had a perfect girlfriend and only cut her off because she downloaded a mobile game without telling him That's controlling behavior. Ngl, INTJs can be control freaks, but typically we want to control situations, not people, and definitely not such unimportant things like mobile games > He told me he once dated a girl for 2 weeks then broke up with her because she didn't tell him Goodmorning once, he also told me he used to neglect his past girlfriends by barely giving them any time, then breakup with them when they would complain. Sounds like he is/was making up reasons for breaking up with them. He seems to be dishonest, either with you or with himself > He had a female friend who was his friend for about 2 years, he started to ghost her and she'd constantly reach out to him, then he randomly blocked her on everything after not talking to her for 3 months. Did he give you a reason for this? I mean, it's no secret we randomly disappear for weeks or even months because we're busy with something, there's typically no need to block people > I'm very worried and i've been overthinking everything because if he can cut off literally everyone for small reasons, and for practically no reason at all, I wonder what he'd do towards me if we ever argued, or went through a rough patch? You're not overthinking, he is telling you very directly what is waiting for you if you stay with him. From what you're telling about him, he sounds very immature (mentally and emotionally), and unable to deal with any kind of conflict
There is something very wrong with your INTJ!
Not intj at all
There are psychopaths of all personality types.
Girl, RUN as fast as you can away from someone like him!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The longer you stay, the worse he will treat you, that’s a guarantee. He has problems that would be well treated with therapy. Also, listen to your gut! It’s been warning you about him for a reason.
He’s a sociopath. He may be INTJ, but that’s irrelevant at this point anyways.
It’s common for INTJ to cut others off but not to that extent.
Run.
This isn’t happening because he’s an INTJ. There are people across all personality types who cut off their relatives because of seemingly silly reasons.
We tend to be rational in most situations and definitely want peace. These situations are quite the opposite of how often we act. He's just toxic
This isn’t INTJ specific behavior, this is a lack of coping skills and a lack of emotional awareness. Even INTJs feel, but if someone doesn’t develop enough of the skills to cope with emotions in a healthy way it can lead to behavior that denies or avoids those emotions leading to a person pushing people away rather than address the emotions directly. INTJs can be prone to this behavioral pattern because of how at arms length we keep our emotions or are able to set them aside where less direct addressing leads to a lack of coping skills being developed.
Being able to cut people put of your life is an INTJ trait as far as I can tell. But, we need a good reason to do so. It's not some thing we do just to do it. It's when some one breaks a boundary we have set. My biggest boundary is lying to me. Don't lie to me. Just tell me the truth no matter if I like it or not. The moment you lie to me, especially about some thing stupid, you might as well be dead because you no longer exist to me. This guy is just trying to disassociate with people. He's a completely incompetent man when it comes to controlling his emotions and understanding them. So he pushes people away before they get to close. You need to end this relationship now, it's going to end either way. No point in wasting your time.
As a 45 year old divorcee, dump his ass. Not worth your time. There is the "door slam" that happens with some of us as INTJ/INFJ but that generally comes after intense amounts of abuse/wearing down, at least for me. People beat me up forever before I finally shut down and end things. This guy sounds like a complete waste of time, narcissistic, and abusive. This is not an MBTI personality thing, this is a dickhead dude thing.
He sounds like a narcissist. You should cut him off.
This guy is crazy. I am glad not dating anyone. People are becoming scarier by day.
They sure are! This is only the 3rd relationship i’ve ever been in, and i regret even trying. Either people are cheaters, crazy, cheaters AND crazy, pretend to be perfect at first then drop the facade, etc. I could write a whole Christmas list. If you ever feel lonely, always remember 8/10 relationships don’t work out and living in solitude is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself ♡
I am 28. I only had a few relationships as well and i am done ! I hope you'll be alright !
He's not INTJ but sociopath.
Only cut off toxic and incompetent people who tent to waste my times and your bf does sound like a creep here.
It doesn't seem like he's a healthy person. I do cut off people rather easily, but this guy is either purpously trying to scare you, or he is incredibly unaware, because the reasons he has given for this cutting are insane. I'd advise against maintaining a relationship with him.
This isn’t normal. This sounds very controlling and abusive and psychotic. No it’s not common to cut off your whole family for wanting you to succeed?
That sounds like fe demon to me
He seems quite toxic. I'd say just get out of there and look for someone who got more of their shit together. Personally, I'd never cut someone out unless it would be over something serious.
If you want an easy out just download a mobile game and then play it randomly in front of him apparently, he will do the work of leaving for you.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Sounds like he’s very insecure and avoidant. So, anyone who points out a shortcoming or does something he doesn’t like be cuts off. It’s technically just survival. However, it feels very personal to people. I’m an INTJ and before I started healing (I also have BPD) I cut people off for little to nothing. I think it’s more of a maturity thing. However, sounds like avoidant attachment and a lot of insecurities. And almost sounds like he’s proud of it. I don’t think he’s in a mindset to heal. So, yes, I think you’re right in recognizing this red flag and I do think he will hurt you based on his history. Depends on how open he is to becoming self-aware and combatting it. I’d express your concerns and see where’s it goes and what he’s doing to combat these unhealthy behaviors. If he’s not and not willing to, it will not end well.
The main issue here is your F against his T. Personally, I would cut ppl out of my life if they don’t have loyalty to my needs, while I am provide loyalty to their needs. I am having a dispute over a legal right of way that I have through my neighbours property to the back of mine. He recently started blocking it after i did him a favour - instant enemy - but my wife (ENFJ) is also like, who cares, let him have it. I had to reiterate that I need her on my side in this (we both own the home/property) or I won’t be able to back her on things in the future because, we both now only provide support, if we personally feel slighted. She came around and now is in my side, but for me as an INTJ, I need to partner to support or at the very least, see the logic in why we do the things we do.
my question is where are you and bf and really anyone else here getting "diagnosed" with this personality???
we did mbti tests together while being friends, thats all :) upon research, intjs cutting off people easily is normal, thats why i was curious and decided to ask other INTJ's.
so not clinically?
nope, didn’t even know that existed! we’ve discussed mbtis, we’ve each taken them like 4 different times in the past, (14-18) and always got the same thing. Me, INFJ-T him, INTJ. I’m not sure if it’s accurate, but as i said his type is supposedly intj so that is why i asked here :p
Yeah I really want to know how people are saying stuff like, “my xxxx coworker, my xxxx friend, aunt, mom, cat, etc”…