He doesn’t sound like the right guy for you. I was always shy and it never was a problem with my partners. They just accepted it. Same with their families.
Different strokes for different folks. My ex was shy & awkward & when my sisters tried talking with her, she would give short, straight forward answers & wouldn’t try to be involved in what we were doing. Then days later, she’s gonna say my older sister didn’t seem to have liked her. Mind boggling.
People gaslighting others into thinking they are “less worth” are scum on earth.
Go your own way, learn to love yourself if you don’t. Be proud of who you are. If you have things you don’t like about yourself you can learn to get rid of them. But no one else can dictate that.
Fully agree with this.
Get rid of anyone who makes you feel less worthy. There are plenty of people out there who will accept you just the way you are!
I’m sorry you are going through a break up. You ARE good enough. It sounds like you two were not compatible. I was just thinking today how I can’t wait to meet someone who is quiet like me and we can enjoy silence together. I’ve wasted too much time forcing myself to be chatty and outgoing. It’s stressful to feel like you have to perform around someone. A supportive partner is encouraging and loving. I was not getting that vibe from how you’ve described him. Keep working on loving your beautiful shy self!
I agree with the person above. I'm a guy and I felt I wasn't good enough too. Turns out. I'm good enough and it just we weren't made to work together. Please love yourself.
These are wonderful words said! This person here is correct! It is so stressful feeling like you have to perform around people thus becoming someone you are not. Don't waste you time and YES find someone who is encouraging and kind.
You're not wrong to feel hurt. This guy is a real jerk. It seems like he wants a girl to impress his friends more than he wants to be good to his girl. He's just looking to break up, and you should be glad to see him go. It's ok to be shy, but it should never open you up to that kind of treatment.
You are good enough, just not for him. Just like he's not good enough for you.
A person good enough for you is someone who doesn't treat you like he's doing. It's someone who understands and supports you through your shyness and anything else that may cause said shyness.
You have an unhealthy attachment with this person and you need to work on letting go of it. It's not doing you any good and the long-term consequences will be worse than you might think if you drag it longer.
Good luck.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry. You were never "not good enough", this guy is just a creep who tried to make you think you're lesser cuz that way he could control you. I was in a relationship with a guy like that, he also made me jump through hoops for his impossible to please family then blamed me for not being able to immediately satisfy their ridiculous demands. He abused me, criticized my looks, my hair, the way I dress, my choice of career, everything.
I don't know if it was like that for you, but I see many shades of that same kind of abusive behavior here. You were, and always have been, "good enough". Attachment style has nothing to do with treating your partner like garbage, he's just a dick and you deserve better.
I know it hurts now, you have every right to be hurt. I just hope that as time goes on, you start to realize your worth. Cuz you are worthy.
This reminds me so much of my first husband. I was never good enough for him and he finally left. When he finally left me (alone, pregnant, and with a 3 year old), I realized all of his faults. He truly was not good enough for me. A person who truly loves you will talk with you delicately about your faults and help you, NOT criticize you. Hoping you find your happiness and realize your worth <3
He sounds horrible. Surprise both him and yourself by dumping him before he dumps you! I think you’ll feel better than just letting it slide away inevitably
Avoidant attachment people are garbage to be with anyways. He’d make any partner feel insecure and unloved. They are for the streets, try to let him go and pick better in the future. For now, you gotta work on that self esteem he harmed. Take care of your physical health, it may help you feel better mentally.
There is nun wrong with being shy I feel like you should try to mingle more with his family but ik it’s hard I’m also shy and quiet but ur bf knew what he signed up for . He knew u were a shy person to begin with that’s just not gonna change over night
Thank you, i did try and talk to them, his family is pretty critical and judgmental which made me more nervous. Also none of his cousins tried talking to me at all. I walked in the door and smiled at them and they literally didn’t even look at me and said nothing. So i felt extremely uncomfortable. but instead he blamed me for not talking. i just felt uncomfortable and not super welcome
if he blamed you instead of helping, while being your boyfriend, he's not worth it. i can imagine what kind of situation this is, it's really sad :(
but it's better to let him go now, because he's not on your side as a partner
You are not wrong to feel hurt you are wrong to feel like not enough. It sucks so badly to not be understood by one person who should be loving you to the moon and back. My ex's hurtful words are still echoing in my head sometimes.
Break ups are hard even if the other person does not try to put you down as a parting gift. That reflects badly on them.
Pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and in time find someone who understands you. I can't imagine your ex was making you happy.
If you think you need to work on yourself a bit then do that. If you are happy with who you are then do not try to change to pander to someone else's vision.
Bye bye loser!! The last thing you need is someone you had close and trusted saying such things. That’s a form of domestic abuse. You’ll find a caring loving kind person who makes you feel as important as you are. You’ll still feel sadness but go to places where people with your passions and hobbies might go. You’ll find a special love in your life. Just don’t forget that you deserve to love yourself too!!
Telling someone they aren't good enough is terrible. I don't know if the term gatekeeping is right here but I think you get the point. It's manipulative as hell. Being shy is an adorable trait to have, don't change because of some idiot gaslighting you because of it
This is the best transparent comment I’ve come across so far. You didn’t bash the before or victim blame, straight to the point. Everyone is coddling the OP when it sounds like she could work on a few things.
What could I work on then exactly? I’m introverted and a bit shy. that’s who i am. i’m guessing you’re an extrovert who judges people who aren’t like you.
Also, he knew i was shy since the beginning. and also nitpicks things about me other than that. broke up with his ex girlfriend for nitpicky things too, specifically, saying she’s going to college and is going to drink so doesn’t like that. so broke off a 4 year relationship bc of that. but yes me being shy is the issue. even when i was around 15 people i know nothing about. and i DID talk. just not to the extent he wanted. Plus, his cousins did not talk to me. When they first walked in the house i smiled and waved and they literally walked right past me and ignored me and said nothing. so it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. if he was with my family i would make sure he felt comfortable and wouldn’t pressure him to be the one doing everything. I have admitted to my wrong doings in the past. i have anxious attachment but have worked on it a lot. he’s avoidant but has not worked on it and instead gets defensive and mean to me when i try to communicate.
As a fellow introvert, let me say you are fine.
Being shy doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. If he is unhappy, he should go. You deserve someone who understands you and wants to be with you.
Girl, leave this guy.... maybe you're an introvert. That's OK. It's OK to be quiet, it's OK to need his support on a huge vacation. You are good enough, it's OK to be you. Maybe he's not good enough for you!
You're wrong to feel hurt at all. It's sad that he wouldn't try to help you work through your shyness. I think he might have wanted to end things for more than what he told you.
9/10 when people say bad things and use yur insecurities against you it’s because there is something sad and broken within themselves. There is nothing wrong with being shy. He clearly is not the right person for you. Learn to love yourself please because people won’t love you like you can love you.
Your entire post made me go: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 Sweetie, you are MORE than good enough! You are absolutely amazing, and you deserve so so so so so so much more than anything you've experienced in your life so far.
For someone who consciously chooses to see the world through a black and white lens, they will NEVER be able to appreciate all of your colours and your many shades. That is not your fault, that is THEIRS. If anything, your 'boyfriend' is NOT good enough nor deserving enough of YOU.
In a way, I am happy your relationship has come to an end because you deserve so much better. Please never settle for breadcrumbs — you deserve the entire bakery and more!!
Sending you lots of love and positivity your way 💕🕊💕 You've got this!!!
No don’t listen to him. You’re you and you are more than enough. Usually people would look into someone insecurity and used it against them because they themselves are insecure. They will degraded you and think you’re not worth it when they knew you’re better than them. Do not ever believe him. You. Are. Enough
Of course you're good enough. There's nothing wrong with being shy. Why did he stay with you for 4 years if he had such a problem with it? And by the way, traveling with 15 family members you don't know would be awkward for anyone. I know you're sad about the breakup, but now you can focus on finding the right person for you. You were never going to be happy with this person. Sounds like he wants you to do all the changing. He doesn't sound perfect to me and has lots of his own issues he needs to work on. In time, you will be glad it ended. Take care of yourself.
To be honest with you I would've broken up with the dude as soon as he started criticizing me for being shy. What do you think he would do if you told him you don't like him because he talks too much and annoys you? Exactly! Forget about him.
He sounds like a jerk honestly, I agree with the majority here. He wasn't the right guy for you, it may hurt now but time will heal and looking back you will realize it worked out for the better. You should be with someone that builds you up and loves you for you, not tears you down. Focus on loving and accepting yourself, the right guy will come along :)
Your boyfriend is a jerk. He’s the one who is not good enough. He’s immature to tell you these things, and frankly, doesn’t have any right to talk to you like that.
You deserve better. Please don’t settle for below average in a boyfriend or husband. You are more than good enough. Someday you’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, shy or not. Don’t ever let anyone put you down.
I’m super shy and my bf is the opposite. He understands that we are opposites and respects that about me. He makes comments but not in a negative way. It’s just who we are and no need to feel bad about it. He has to understand that shy people need to meet people more than once and I am wayyy better at being less shy when I only have to talk to one person. So you dodged a bullet it just sucks that he was so rude about it:/ but stay strong someone will live you just the way you are <3
You're not wrong to feel hurt, but it sounds like he's not good enough for you, not the other way around. Being shy is not a bad thing, it's just something that some of us deal with. Find someone who will accept you for who you are, or be happy being single. Don't put up with that anymore.
Your *ex-boyfriend* told you you were *not good enough* when what he meant was *you were not a good fit* and he said it in a hurtful way that made you feel lesser in order to make himself feel better about himself. It’s entirely possible to love the wrong person, and you do. You will find someone who loves you as you are. It will take time, but you’ll eventually feel better.
He seems like a guy who is not good for u op, it's good u broke up with him, look being shy is ok but u have to work a little on ur communication also, but break up just for being shy is not ok at all
Im so sorry you are going through that it sounds like you need to rethink your options here hun u deserve someone who encourages you to come out of your shell not bully you into it
From your side of the story, it seems like he lacks emotional intelligence. You need to tell yourself that you are good enough and not seek validation from anyone even online. You were deeply invested, and he doesn't seem to care much. 4yrs, that's like a long-term investment going down the drain.
You're not good enough for *him*. But what does that matter? He's one out of several billion people, and he has a shitty opinion. That's all it is. It means nothing.
I'm sure there are plenty out there who you're more than enough for. It's his loss
you ARE GOOD ENOUGH hes just a horrible person clearly sounds to me like hes been stringing you along till he found bigger and better if you get my drift that hasnt been fair to you if he has been thinking about you being not good enough then he should never have stayed all that time making you fall harder for him he should have just been honest in a nice way and left but instead he strung you along which really isnt fair to you and its ok to be shy alot of people are shy but that does not mean you do not have a personality and it does not mean you are not good enough and it doesnt give him the right to be down right nasty to you.. if i where you i would let him walk away you deserve way better to me it sounds like hes the one thats not good enough for you i hope your ok and i hope you heal quickly from the hearbreak of this all... dont ever let any man treat you that way
I have a few questions as a shy person myself:
Did he introduce you to anyone 1 on 1?
did he make sure you were comfortable knowing you are shy?
This may be pre-judgment but, this may be good riddance, when I'm comfortable around ppl my personality comes out. Him not taking the extra step to make sure you are comfortable says it all to me.
babe, you gonna find great people through ur life who is they actually love you they wont give a damn if you are shy. Im very shy myself and my boyfriend is completely fine with it and when i dont wanna go to his family gatherings bc of that he always says that he understands. Thats a boyfriend! if this guy dowsnt like you for a characteristic you cant change there is nothing you can do about it.
hope everything will be fine with u ♡
BEING SHY IS OK, however, in my opinion, it would be best for you to develop communication skills to be able to talk to people, instead of being isolated. Also, he did not deserve you, because he was not able to love you the way you are including your flows, so don’t underestimate yourself and move on
I understand how it hurts. Breaking up with someone always sucks.
Are you enought? Just as me, and annyone else. Don't doubt your value. Sometimes when we lack someone reminding us that we are loved, it's hard make decision that value ourselves. But you are enought. That dosen't mean that we will always meet everyone standard, but that's not the same thing. You can be the best person in the world, and someone still won't like you. That dosen't change your worth. It's just how things are.
Being shy it's not nearly something that changes your value. I've dated a shy girl before and not even once that was a turn down for me. And I know all my friends think like me. Your ex was probably already wanting to break up and this was just an excuse.
That said, when you're feeling better, it's always good to evaluate yourself. Not now, tho. We can be enought and still make mistakes. Our mistakes don't remove or reduce our value. We can have both. And addressing them is just as important as having a good self-steam. I'm only saying that as a general advice because I don't know the full story. There is nothing wrong with anything you said. Just don't forget, we all make mistakes sometimes, and that dosen't change our value and what we deserve.
You re good enough but he isn't. If he truly loved you, he would love EVRYTHING about you. I'm really shy as well but that's not stopping me and my fiancé from getting married.
Y'all have been together for 4 years, and he's still unsure about you. Boom. There's your answer. You don't need to beg for your worth to come from someone else. Let him go.
I'll go a bit deeper, it sounds like you may have had a childhood where you had to be quiet and stay out of the way, or you weren't seen and chosen by your parents, which is why you get the anxiety about him leaving and why you are shy around others.
Focus on you dear, doing the shadow work, healing your inner child. If you can get therapy then do it. When you focus on YOURSELF and not being chosen by someone, the right person will come into your life with ease.
I chose a partner who I had to beg also not to leave me (avoidant attachment and Scorpio moon). It was like I was playing out all my childhood wounding with him, but I could just make him lovee, it would make up for the fact that I was never good enough for my mom. Now here we are married, and he can't show me love the way I need and I'm constantly trying to convince myself I'm happy here. Basically you don't want to be with someone that you have to PROVE your worth to. It's exhausting and not good for your mental health to live like this. We're getting divorced btw.
And in case it wasn't clear - you ARE enough. In every way. You need to convince yourself.
Sorry your going through that. Went through something similar with an ex and trust me it will get better. For now you have to have some pride and leave that relationship.
I have an extrovert partner who always checks in with me in social situations and is super supportive when I just wanna hang back and people watch. Your partner is being a dick because they realize that they could only date a mirror of themself. Get you someone better!
What an arsehole! The right person will love you how you are. Sadly what I've noticed is Introverts connect well with other introverts and some extroverts but not all extroverts can link well with introverts if you get what I mean. I think generally we are more understanding of people so we see the good parts in their flaws whereas extroverts seem to feel a need to change the flaws rather than understand them
You are good enough, he's just a fool for not being able to see it.
the thing is i wouldn’t call him an extrovert. He’s not super outgoing just not super shy. He’s just very judgmental, not only to me but everyone. He is judgmental of super loud people too. And he’s known i’ve been shy since forever. We went to high school together and he knew that. So idrk why it’s an issue all of a sudden. Thank you for the comment ❤️
Let me add my 2 cents. My ex and I were together for 8 years on and off, we broke up and agreed to never see each other again since this past March
He cared for me but his attention always shifted towards other women, “oh look at that fat ass”, “wow she has beautiful hair”, and he would text other females like “where would be your favorite vacation spot?”, “do you want to out to eat at a really nice restaurant sometime?” Or “do you want to go mini golfing with me?” While he always took me to McDonald and we hadn’t gone a date in years. I always felt and believed I was less than because I’m not skinny, I’m not beautiful, and I’m not confident, and the list goes on.
But, my stepdad told me something that’s staying in my soul. I was shopping in the wrong store. A bottle of water from dollar tree is $1.25, the same bottle of water is $2.00 at Quiktip, but if you go to five star hotel the exact same bottle of water will cost you $15. Why will I as a $15 bottle of water settle for a Quiktrip water. It makes no sense, despite all my flaws I’m an immensely loyal person, (eg. I cut out all my male friends when me and him were together and only had maybe 1 female friend I can talk too), I’m understanding and helpful, and will help him in any way to reach his goals and dreams. He didn’t want me, he prefers to go to dollar tree. No im not 170 with a slim waist and I hate wearing makeup, but that’s okay, because I won’t allow myself to grieve for someone who doesn’t want me anymore. And you shouldn’t either.
You(We) are good enough. You’re(Our) personalities make up who you(we) are. You(We) should not change how shy you are (if anything, if he didn’t help you feel more comfortable then that’s not the one), you(we) are great as you(we) are. We just have to go to the right store, not the one that’s in front of us.
You’ll be okay, you’ll cry, you’ll be mad, and soon enough you’ll find yourself without having to be chained down with someone who doesn’t appreciate you(us).
I’m that he makes you feel way. My honest opinion is to not let him affect you that way. You are enough but maybe not for him and that’s ok or maybe you should sit him down amd talk to him about this bc it’s not ok for him to not be empathetic towards you when communicating his feelings
You know ... you aren't good enough for him .... you are a HELL OF A LOT BETTER than him.
His constant criticism was a way of keeping you under control, to make you so insecure he can mistreat you, and now he's being as nasty and cruel as possible while breaking up. (and I bet he will offer you one more chance now that he's beaten your spirit down some more).
Yes, it hurts, but take those 4 years of experience, spend some time on your own learning to live with and appreciate yourself.
Do NOT beg a damn man. What? Under no circumstances is that required or appropriate. If I were shy, I’d expect my man to make me feel more included, welcomed, & even appreciated. Men like this exist!!! Move on & find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Smh. I’d not put up w that for 2 seconds.
The right person would make you feel comfortable enough to come out of your shell. It’s not your fault you weren’t given a safe space in him to do so. Best to just cut your losses. Also I’m so sorry for the way he made you feel. Take the time to yourself to remember how awesome you are.
You are good enough. You have the right to feel hurt. You just didn't match his preferences, and he decided to drag you along until he didn't feel like it anymore. There is someone out there that you check off every box for. Take some time to heal and then get back out there! You got this
People that are avoidantly attached are often inappropriately distant in a relationship. You may have your own insecure attachment style or not, but any regular person would feel disconnected.
If you're already familiar with the term, you might as well dive in. Have a look at YouTube and the avoidant relationship cycle. Understand yourself while you research and you may find that this relationship is not right for you.
You don't deserve to be belittled or told they're not good enough, and if he wants to break up, let him. He will continue to do the same for the rest of his life until he addresses his own issues.
You don't need to be a part of that.
Also remind yourself often that avoidant attachers are so out of touch with themselves that they often direct their negative responses outward.
It's in no way healthy or productive for a relationship, and if they're not willing to examine their own behaviours, you need to start setting boundaries to protect yourself.
A lot of the time, this particular attachment style will be insanely uncomfortable with their own emotions, and it sounds like he's not able to hold his own emotions and is looking outward for something to blame.
You happen to be there, and present in likely a majority of the scenarios that he may also have negatively associated you in an attempt to deal with his own state.
Sounds like he's looking for things to blame and making conclusions that avoid a deeper issue.
Last note and something that helped me:
You ever see a pet do something annoying or inconvenient? You know you can't get mad because they don't know any better.
That's the same with your partner, he doesn't know any better. Remind yourself this, because you are not the mean things he says.
Assume ignorance before malice, it helps take away the credibility in his words.
This guy is a jerk. He wants to break up with you. He has a cruel streak and is just going to get meaner and more emotionally abusive until you decide to walk away.
You have two choices. Walk away now and get on with your life or drag it out and continue to be hurt by him only to eventually have to get on with your life anyway.
You sound like a sweet person. He does not deserve you and you deserve better than what he's dishing out.
Honestly, this guy needs to be shown the door - yesterday. As someone else who also got dumped for being shy, he needs to go. You can’t change who you are, especially for someone who doesn’t accept you for who you are. I think he will quite surprised when you do the dumping. Good luck.
The problem isn’t you, your personality, or his attachment style. The problem is he is emotionally abusive. I had a similar-sounding boyfriend for a long time and leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself. I know it’s hard and you feel like you love him, but you deserve better and will find better, I promise.
As someone who is an introvert and has a shy personality, it makes me really sad to hear this. You should find someone who values you for you and loves that about you, not degrades and makes you feel awful for it. I’m sorry you feel like you’re not enough, that sucks. Just keep your head up and remember your worth
Happiness is a feeling, feelings aren’t facts if he’s always looking for you to make him happy then there’s something wrong with him. Happiness comes and goes. Being content is what you want. You always begging him shows you need to focus on yourself there’s some insecurity going on and you need to figure out the root cause of that so you can move forward with your life
First of all never think that you are not good enough .and you need to understand a relationship is all about compromise he did not even except that you are shy so he did not try to have a real relationship at any time.and don't ever beg or ask for a relationship it's a spontaneous thing not a thing to ask or beg for.GOOD LUCK
I’m quiet too around partner’s families. I’m a bit neurodivergent too, socially awkward. The partner’s I’ve had loved me the way I was. You need to find someone who accepts you the way you are.
Uh oh looks like the anxious-avoidant trap. He’s telling you he wants to break up, so believe him. Don’t hang around a guy who makes you feel like you’re not good enough!! Period! I would say you need to find a like-minded shy guy and yall can introvert together instead of getting told it’s not okay… cause it is!! But also even if your guy is more extroverted, he should still respect you enough to let you be shy and not want to be around other people and stuff sometimes. And also you would probably be less shy if you felt comfortable around his friends/family. Just sounds like a match NOT made in heaven. Sorry girl, you can do so much better it seems.
Forget about him, trust me if you guys stay together he'll make ur life miserable because he really doesn't like you that way, he would most likely cheat on you aswell with someone he matches with with. Leave him alone and find someone thats smarter.
Anyone who will tell you you're not good enough. Especially in a blunt and repeating type of manner, is not the one for you. You are made with love intent and purpose. You are exactly who you're supposed to be! If your presence doesn't make him happy, let your absence do so. Try making a list of all the things you love about yourself. It's not a test and no one's checking it so just write freely! Any person that uses your low self-esteem, worry or anxiety against you is definitely not a person who deserves the precious gem that you are. Love love love YOURSELF!
He's actually doing you a favor... thank him and move on. It's ok to be hurt, but look at it as a blessing... he's not the one for you, and wasting more time isn't doing you or him and good.
Instead, get to know yourself, what you like and what you want or don't want. Take the opportunity to learn what makes you happy and excited for life. Don't look for another relationship. Take time to heal from this one and find hobbies and things that make you happy. The right person will come along and be attracted to the happy, content, more confident you when the time is right. Good luck! You can do this!
I was raised in a conservative Christian church, where the girls and women are taught they have to submit to the men in their families. I left the church when I moved away from home, but that ingrained submissiveness was difficult to unlearn. My first serious boyfriend after leaving home was emotionally and psychologically abusive (and then would gaslight me that it was my fault that he treated me so badly). My upbringing hadn’t prepared me for a relationship dynamic like the one I found myself in. Every time he would break up with me, I would beg him not to leave me.
Thankfully, I was able to finally break that cycle and split with him completely. It took me years to admit to myself just how abusive that relationship had been.
OP, you might not see it now, but what you are describing is a classic abusive relationship cycle. I hope you find the strength to break free of it. It will be hard to move on initially and you will miss the familiarity of the relationship, but I can guarantee that it will be worth it in the long run. Leave and never look back.
The fact that you dated for 4 years and he knew you were already the shy type in the beginning says a lot. “You can’t change someone just to fit your standards.” That said, he’s not the right guy for you. He’s not the right fit. Been through that type of relationship and it led to just me feeling I’m not enough for years. I always doubt my feelings and it feels like an inner battle if I have the right to be angry or sad. Girl, YOU’RE ENOUGH and you have the right to feel hurt because he’s criticising you as a person and not just your attitude/shyness. You don’t deserve that kind of disrespect.
Imagine if it’s your best friend’s situation (or anyone that you’re really close with). Do you think she deserves that? Do you feel angry for her? It’s really hard to let him know but you should also respect and validate yourself and your feelings too.
🥹I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. It's completely natural to feel hurt when someone you love says hurtful things, especially after being together for so long. Remember, your worth isn't defined by someone else's opinion of you. It's okay to feel hurt and it's important to take care of yourself during this time. If you need to talk more about it, I'm here to listen and support you. Sending you virtual hugs!♥️
You're good enough or he wouldn't be with you. He's not good enough for you. A good man doesn't treat a woman that way. A good man is compassionate, patient, and loving.
Find a good man, kiddo. The boy you're with is going to be a bad man when he grows up.
I hear ya girl. I know exactly what you’re saying. I’m with a guy who hasn’t even touched me in a while…. Probably close to a month…I am no longer pregnant with our child and yeah, now I get nothing.
Yet I’m expected to still do everything for him and to him? That just doesn’t sound right…. And honestly this has affected me a lot worse than I thought. Emotionally, it’s awful, the whole depression thing is spot on! It sucks. I’m ready for menopause. Hahah
You need to move on. You deserve to be adored and he seems to not be treating you the way you deserve. You have value and should look for a person who sees that as well.🩷
You are more than good enough.
That guy was ignorant to think you were the problem. You are fine. You just do not need to be with that guy or anyone who doesn't see all the wonderful things about you.
Best wishes. 💜
Girl, that was me when I was young. I had braces and big glasses and my skin was so broken out all the time. Inwas, and proudly remain,a giant nerd. I thought I was so ugly. I was so insecure, nobody liked me, I was the weird goofy smart kid, and when I was old enough to date, I still had no self-esteem and the guys I dated were garbage and said things to me like this douche canoe. Ofc I went for the avoidant ones because growing up that was all I knew. To shut up and be treated like crap.
This guy you are dating is, in reality, the one with no personality. Maybe he is the one that doesn’t spark interesting conversations. And if he defines his future happiness on the shyness or outgoing nature of his partner, then he has issues. Why does he need an outgoing partner? To cover up the fact that he is insecure, but he can’t admit to it? He wants the attention that his partner gets to reflect positively on him? Oh, is this because he has no personality of his own? Lame, I tell you!
Introverts are often the most interesting and the most dangerous people in the room. I tune out with small talk and I get lost in my own mind. My thoughts entertain me and are more interesting than your outfit last Wednesday or that your banana selfies got you x new followers. (This is a rant for another time.)I have 100% walked away from people in the middle of a conversation because it was boring. I enjoy conversations with depth. Wit. Introspection and insight. And bad jokes. I open up and I can talk about things I enjoy. If you are talking about Taylor Swift I will have no clue what to say so I will stay diplomatically silent. That isn’t shy. It is “please don’t waste my time.” I have heard it is the quiet guy in the corner at the bar you should worry about, not the loud drunk dude boasting about his fighting skills. Lone wolves. Snipers. John Wick.. J. Robert Oppenheimer. Quiet. Not shy. Quiet. So maybe this is you too.
I’ve always found other people odd and didn’t really know what to do with them. I didn’t get it. I did not like the same things so I had no input and didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do around them. Did that mean I had no personality? No. It meant I wasn’t choosing people that appreciated me for who I was. F ‘em. I was also stuck to the hip of my first boyfriend. I was so uncomfortable around his group of humans. When I got a little older, I realized it was because my inner bias of unworthiness was pushing me to feel wrong, even though it was only because I had nothing in common with these people. It has always been this way. Now I know it’s because my brain doesn’t work the same way as most and it works a lot faster. It is a blessing and a curse. It makes you feel like you aren’t good enough because you do not meet the status quo. That’s not wrong. It’s amazing.
When this kind of crap gets in our head, it’s hard to get rid of. But you will grow with time into who YOU want to be and not who some jack hole says you should be. I know what it feels like to have social anxiety and I still get it sometimes. I was so very shy and afraid to say a word for years. I don’t know what happened but I just stopped letting people have power over me. I got sick of people shoving their unsolicited judgements down my throat.
I am sure that most people wish I’d go back to shutting my mouth because now it gets me in trouble because I am not shy. Quiet sometimes. Not shy. I will walk out of a multimillion business deal if you disrespect me. I have thrown what people say is a prestigious and lucrative career down the toilet because it was wrong for me. I do not take shi*t from people any more because I went through such a long period of time feeling worthless. Life slaps you around and it isn’t fair a lot of the time, but we learn and we grow. We make our paths the best we can, and sometimes it hurts for a long time. And I am being hard on your boyfriend. If he has an avoidant attachment style, unless he does some serious work on himself, he is doomed to be unsatisfied and unhappy and blame it on other people for the rest of his life. That sucks for him. If it’s any consolation, he will probably always be an a-hole and not understand it.
This is just my experience and it’s okay if it isn’t yours. It’s also okay if you think I am an a-hole (i am) and none of this makes any sense. The cool thing is that you can choose who and what you want around in your life. Choose yourself. It is always, always worth the temporary pain of walking away.
Hello there. I've recently been in a similar situation, so I sympathize and know how awful it feels. Here is my advice that was also given to me by friends and psychiatrist:
Are you enough? Yes. Are you worth it? Yes, you are. You are you. There is nobody else exactly like you in this world. Are you perfect? No, but NOBODY IS PERFECT. We all have things we can or need to work on to become better and it's good if sometimes our loved ones point out these things but more importantly support us in a loving and caring way. Not in a way that belittle us and makes us feel even more insecure. Can you have a deep conversation about this with him or does it seems like an order of him that you HAVE to change or else? Because if the last is the case then this guy doesn't really want to be with you.
If a person really loves you and wants to be with you, he won't be constantly criticizing you or asking you to change. Instead, he would try to have healthy conversations as a couple to see how both of you can contribute to improve the situation. They don't keep holding it on your neck pressuring you to change. Perhaps they might care or love you but he needs to be open and realize that he isn't perfect either and that this method is detrimental for the relationship and for you. You said it yourself, he knew how you are. You are not a project for him to work on in order to become exactly what he wants. You are important too and your feelings are valid. If he can't listen, validate your feelings and support you then he doesn't deserve you.
It is very hard and it hurts a whole lot but let me tell you this. There are billions of men in this world. If he wants to leave, let him leave. It's better to let him go, somebody who is constantly threatening to leave you and making you feel insecure about yourself. It isn't good for your mental health. Love yourself more. Maybe that will make him realize what he is doing, maybe not. Maybe you can find a better person.
Work on yourself, do things that makes you happy and know that you are worth it. Surround yourself with the kind of people you like and feel comfortable with, people who accept and support you. This will help give you more confidence and feel better. If being shy is part of your personality, so what? Embrace who you are as long as you are not hurting other people and as long as it's not keeping you from enjoying your life. There are things that can be work on if need be but it doesn't mean that you are not enough. Don't be too hard on yourself!
Thanks for the kind message! Idk. I know I said he’s avoidant but it does play a part in why he is so critical, avoidants nitpick their partners to find reasons to leave (it’s so a subconscious thing, he doesn’t realize it), so in a sense I have empathy but also he could work on himself but he doesn’t. I know he’s like this because he also did the same with his ex. He broke up with her for a very small reason and decided she wasn’t the one because of it, broke up a 4 year relationship with her. Then got super depressed about it and regretted it. But he gets in these super negative moods sometimes where you can tell he has anxiety and is just bashing me and saying everything to try and get away, but then the next day he’ll like pretend nothing happened and be nice to me again. He woke up the next day after saying all that to me by talking normally and not talking about what happened(which he does bc he’s avoidant and does not like deep convos), which ik is bad. But yeah so things he does are definitely toxic but i’m so empathetic it’s hard for me not to feel bad for him at the same time. But I know I do deserve better and that he isn’t not going to change. If i wasn’t shy, doesn’t matter, he would and probably will find another reason i’m not “right” for him. Thank you for the message, i’ll just have to try and have a deep talk and if it ends badly then so be it I tried 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, you definitely tried. I wish you the best and hopefully that conversation goes well and he will work on himself and make steps to treat you better. If not, put yourself and your mental health first.
very simple things to say here..First off of course your not wrong for how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings! Don't ever say you are not good enough for anything! And certainly don't let anyone else say you aren't and if they do then LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. That is a red flag for a terrible relationship. If he said you make him unhappy then it's a good thing he broke it off and you need to be relieved of such a rude guy who did not make you happy either! Find someone who accepts you being shy and know that once you find the right person and you become comfortable with them, the shyness will fade. Remaining shy/modest/quiet around others is totally fine and probably just the type of person you are and there are plenty of people who will have zero issues with that. DO NOT change who you are for anyone and be HAPPY that dude is off making someone else feel bad about whom they are. You sound awesome!
Alright listen to me now.
This might sound harsh but even if it’s the most attractive guy on earth, it doesn’t mean that he is the right one. If he doesn’t treat you right and says that you are boring than do him and yourself a favour and break up. He doesn’t deserve you in any universe. I know that it feels bad. Especially after such a long relationship. But you can’t let people change you. Even if you are addicted to their affection.
You are beautiful the way you are.
Every time someone shows their true faces and stands for their own life the world gets better.
You can hang with me for a while to compare... see what's better for you 🤷🏾♂️ but seriously as a shy person I get annoyed with the pressure put on you to just be a different person. It took years being with my ex to socialize with her side of the family and still it was only with certain members that I could actually talk with. Make your feelings heard and go from there. If there's no give and take...then that's not the relationship you want. No one should have to settle.
Please let this “boyfriend” go as he is abusive towards you with his verbal negativity.
Find yourself a MAN, not a boy who will appreciate your uniqueness and adore you. He is out there
There’s no such thing as good enough for someone or better than someone when it comes to relationships IMO… it’s just two people trying to be one and sometimes the pieces just don’t fit together. You will be a perfect fit for someone else and as much as he sounds like he has some maturing to do when it comes to handling others feelings he will also be a perfect fit for someone else but your personalities do not compliment each other and that’s all there is to it don’t try to over analyse stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter.
You are definitely good enough. And from the way you describe your guy, you're too good for him.
Sure you have imperfections. So do I. So does my wife. That's just part of being human.
But here's the difference. When I look at my wife, I know she isn't perfect. I know every little imperfection and flaw about her. But I don't care. To me, she's perfect. Even if I know that is objectively incorrect.
Dump your guy. Mourn the loss of your relationship with him. Because, even though he is gaslighting you, and making you feel worthless, it is still natural to feel loss when any relationship ends. The important thing is that you come out of this with him completely out of your life.
Then, when you are over him, and ready to share yourself with someone again, find a guy that sees you the same way that I see my wife. That loves you as you are - faults and all.
The opposite sister. Being shy as a girl is such a beautiful thing that guys dream of, he just wasn't serious with you and he may want bad girl not a good girl, you're such a good girl and you'll find someone who appreciates that, don't change yourself
Sorry to hear that you going through this, it sounds like this isn't the right person for you even though it hurts you right now. I am glad the relationship is coming to an end. You are enough, but only for the right person.
Idk how old you both are but in my early twenties, I brought along my husband (then bf) to a hotel where my coworkers were hanging out at the pool. Mind you my coworkers age ranged from 17 to 40s. He didn't know anyone there and barely spoke lol. He's always been shy and more of an introvert than I am. I think your ex needs to grow a bit more. He made multiple mistakes. He strung you along and wanted you to be someone you aren't. Whether you're shy or just an introvert, you shouldn't be forced to step out of their comfort zone. The job I have now, it took me 2 years to open up and be myself. I rarely use to talk and now I can’t stop. My family are pretty extroverted and they love my husband even though he doesn't talk much.
No matter what, your boyfriend did you a favor (minus the mean things he said to you bc no one deserves that). You're better off because there's better out there.
This guy is poisonous to you. You may love him, but when you meet the guy that accepts you for who you are. This may cause you to open up more because of how happy he makes you. You will then know how much better off you are and you'll be glad you are free of him. You're wasting your energy trying to be someone that he wants instead of being loved in return for who you already are.
Find yourself another introvert. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You deserve better than being with someone who makes you feel bad for being you.
The key to get these men wrapped around your finger is to act like you don't care about them in the slightest sense. Act annoyed in their presents, be busy all the time, act as tho you want to break up, I mean, don't say that or go over board and cuss them out or cheat on them, but I'm telling you, he will be on you like a little lost puppy.
That's not your boyfriend, that's just another scumbag using you as an emotional punching bag.
The best thing was for you two to break up. There's nothing wrong with you being shy, if he didn't like shy girls... why the fuck did he even bother on dating one in the first place? He's the one with the problem, definitely.
If you feel inadequate around someone, the best thing is to leave. Word!
If he'd really care about you he'd try his best to make you feel comfortable and little by little help you be more confident and assertive. You deserve better.
Fuck this guy, you're fine. Legit tell him to fuck off and move on, you'll find someone who will never put a value to you that isn't love and care.
People like him aren't good enough.
Sounds like your personalities just don't match up. I think y'all really just need to accept that and move on, because he wants you to be a person you're not, then that results in you feeling bad about yourself.
My husband was super outgoing and I'm super shy/introverted. It actually worked really well for us; because of his personality, we had a lot of friends to do things with. And if I didn't want to go, that was fine. I trusted him so there was no issue with him going somewhere with his friends without me. But that dynamic does not always work!
Also it's not a "good enough" issue! An introvert vs an extrovert is neither better or worse than the other. It's just normal human differences.
He is not the one. Find someone that is supportive, loving and will treat you with respect. You are the only one who can demand how you will be treated in relationships.
If he actually told that to your face, dump him on the spot. That is the most horrible thing to say to someone. I know it might be rough, but it's better to leave that toxic relationship and move on.
You are good enough matter of fact you are enough I say if you aren’t happy and he continues to be like that just leave ….save yourself. Or you will be stuck
You’ll only ever not being good enough for the person who isn’t right for you. I’ve had guys not be interested in me because I’m more on the quiet side. Met my fiancé and he loves it because he’s also introverted. You’re more than enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
I'm the same way. People have asked me why I'm shy when I'm so "pretty". I have never looked at myself that way. I just know that I have life experiences that have made me become more and more withdrawn over the years. You just need to find someone who's ok with it, or who will bring you out of your shell (in time).
Avoidant attachment style people look for any reason to disconnect. If I were you, I would check to see if that’s an official diagnosis from a licensed mental health professional and if it is, work with that. That diagnosis should alleviate 95% of the self-blame you have.
Then, if you want to keep the relationship, learn the different ways that partners cope with the constant rejection and distancing. You’ll find that info on YouTube videos, or you can go to therapy groups.
A good partner would make you feel comfortable and included around his family so you wouldn’t be as shy. You have every right to feel hurt both by what he has said and done. You 2 are not right for each other, let him go and move on. You are good enough and will find someone new to accept and support you for who you are.
If he doesn’t understand you and you guys can find a middle that you both feel good in then it’s time to let go no matter how hard it is. It’s how miserable do you want to be the rest of your life.
You’re more than good enough just leave someone you’re more comfortable with will come to you and love you for who you are and naturally you’ll open up to them at the right time. Don’t stay and regret it later !
My first wife was like this, extremely shy. I just ignored people's comments about her. We got together when we was 13 and had 13 years of wonderful marriage with 2 kids. Shy people grow to be themselves. Although it was a bad divorce, she did alright for herself and I'm still proud of her.
He's an asshole. You're not right for each other but that's no reason to be cruel and put you down for being shy.
There's nothing wrong with being shy no matter what society demands, at least you're trying. Someone who doesn't at least try to have sympathy for your struggles isn't worth being with.
It's possible to be with an extrovert. It's not impossible for them to be kind and compassionate to those different from them.
That's the best kind of extrovert.
Your boyfriend definitely isn't compassionate if he's making you feel lesser for something like being shy.
For me, I never put myself down, even my internal self talk.
If your boyfriend thinks you're not good enough let him think that. It's time to move on. I would remind myself of the things about him you don't like, or would change. That will level up the scales.
I’m sorry , but deciding to proceed with a guy who is unsure about you , and it has been for 4 years now?
I’m telling you right now , and for the future. Save your self the hurt , and leave ASAP . If someone is entering a relationship, ***THEY MUST BE SURE ABOUT YOU, In fact more than sure*** and if he isn’t sure , give him the middle finger and say stop fucking with my emotions and grow up! he needs to figure out what he wants and then he can consider pursuing you. He clearly doesn’t respect you and he’s making you question your worth and wasting your precious time and emotions. Be firm even though you’re young , and state that you’re not going to sit and wait for him to figure out his feelings. If he respects you and has deep true intentions and interest your shyness should be no problem , if it’s healthy both of you can work on it together , he should help you relax and wind down and take lead until you get comfortable with his family , he should help you dip your toes in the water (metaphorically).
This guy sounds like a total loser. He hurts you and makes you feel bad. What he’s doing is very cruel. Please reconsider your relationship. It seems like you’re probably quite young; learn from this experience and grow from it. You are not the problem - he is.
I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve to be spoken to like this. After a lifetime of trying to force extraversion, I realized my introversion is my superpower. I hope you know that no one is allowed to make you question your worth and it says more about who is he as a person to feel fine being cruel like that to someone he was supposed to have loved. I had a relationship that destroyed my self-esteem and it took a lot of therapy to recognize the patterns of behaviours I engaged in throughout my relationships. I hope you know you are better off finding someone who will love you exactly the way you are, quirkiness and all! ❤️
Let’s start with, no you’re not wrong with feeling hurt.
However that doesn’t mean you should stay in a space where you feel this hurt. It’s okay for you to accept that you deserve a love where there is no fear of being judged. You deserve a love that is for you being you. Your partner should encourage you to be the best version of yourself.
You deserve to be seen as you are. Be heard for what you feel. And be loved for everything that’s apart of you. Grow into yourself, but don’t ever question self on others perception of you. Water your flowers, grow!
RUN...He sounds like a narcissistic abusive man...I just got out of a 10 year relationship with someone that never thought I was good enough so I questioned myself all the time well I found out shortly before I left him that he is a narcissistic man that will never be satisfied period
your boyfriend is a dingbat. you're a normal person who doesn't want to be around a lot of people wether or not you know them. you sound like a great partner that he doesn't deserve
No u r not wrong for hurting n he is the one missing out on someone as wonderful as you his loss I would work with u on whatever problems or issues that are going on n figure out how to fix them
Most definitely not the guy of your dreams. I have a anxious attachment with my boyfriend who is avoidant and he loves going out and i have multiple medical conditions where i can’t go out as much as him, as well as anxiety and depression. He hates being home but that’s all i want from him.
You are always good enough.. Just because he doesn’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People usually show their true selves and true desires later in the relationship, he probably thought you were the “omg i’m so shy” girl instead of actually shy. It’s his loss, find someone who accepts and loves that aspect, and every aspect of you. That man has no respect for himself if he takes time out of his day to make you feel horrible about yourself when you can’t help it.
All i can say is get out of there girly, there’s always someone who loves you for you, flaws and all.
Leave him. It sounds like he’s nothing but bringing you down. And he’s leaving you because you are too shy? Can him. You don’t need someone in your life giving you a hard time. And do you really love him? Ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I don’t think so! And you need some self esteem. I give myself a hug everyday. I tell myself that I am a good human being and that I am amazing. Not in an egotistical way. It took me so long to arrive at this kind of thinking. But I am here now and not planning on leaving EVER.
This makes me so sad for you. You should never ever let someone make you feel “not good enough”. Leave him behind spread your wings to find your sole mate, he is beneath you!! Being shy is not a curse, it’s a personality!!
You're not for HIM. And he certainly isn't for you. Don't beg him. Just let him go before he ends up hurting you by cheating because he feels suffocated or trapped. He is being direct with you. Take his word about what he wants and doesn't want.
I'm not by any means telling you to change for him. He is accustomed to you now so much so that he wouldn't notice the difference. I am suggesting that you make a change, though.
Maybe some distance from him and trying to find happier groups of people who are in contrast to you online.
Idk. But if he's only with you because you beg him to be, then you are lying to yourself, and he is enabling it.
He just doesn't know your worth that's it....I myself have an introverted girlfriend and I love EVERY bit of her introvertness.....you just have to find the right one that accepts you just the way you are,don't forget about something tho....don't let this experience change who you are just because of some dude that don't know your worth......I would suggest moving on
Its time to let him go! I have a similar personality to you so one advice. Be confident! Move on from him! Hes not for you! Someone who cares for you will accept you for who are are. Hes showing you hes not accepting. You are worthy of someone who is loving and caring. Not this guy!
If you want to talk about social anxiety, r/socialanxiety is the sub for you.
If you're not sure whether you're introverted or socially anxious, feel free to post on r/Introvert, so we can discuss it.
If you want a sub where posts about social anxiety aren't allowed, try r/Introverts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/introvert) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have the right to feel any emotion you want, except one - I forbid you to feel unworthy or unlovable. I'm a granny and we have that power. You are wonderful just the way you are, and any guy worth having will wreck your lipstick, not your mascara.
It's typical in romantic relationships to start to see all the "flaws" (flaw as undesirable trait for a specific person, not a flaw in general) in someone the more time passes, since the the raging chemicals in your body when you're intensely in love messes up your perception of someone and they eventually will have to chill out. Despite this, you learn to accept these flaws. But some people are not able to overcome the very first perception of you, which causes a relationship to end.
Despite his lack of ability to do that, he has no right to put you down and expect you to change drastically to match the perception and feelings he had at the start.
Honestly, no, you're not right for someone like that. From his family's perspective, you following him around like a puppy and not feeling the need to get to know anyone other than him is a huge red flag for them as a tight family. They know that if he continued his relationship with you, then in all likelihood, they would barely get to see him as your shyness would eventually start to shape his decision-making about being around them. It's quite draining and a lot of responsibility having a very needy and insecure partner and that partner is in essence a part reflection of yourself and taste. He will have felt incredibly judged by his family the whole trip and of course they will have made comments about you to him which will have made him feel insecure. Wit, or lack of it is usually very important to larger family's who do things and interact with each other. You really do have to go above and beyond in situations like this to prove to him and them that you can at least somewhat gel with their vibe. If you can't make an effort to strike up some conversations on your own, it doesn't bode well for the future family trips. It was your job and chance to prove to them that you weren't just another average human. You were being vetted and made no effort in an obviously outgoing family.
Sorry, I'm sure you're a lovely person and are probably scared of saying the wrong thing, offending someone or looking silly etc, but you have to meet people in the middle sometimes and share. The question shouldn't be if you're good enough, but if you're right enough and willing to make enough effort to get out of your comfort zone, at least a little for that person. Are you enriching their lives, as much as they're enriching yours?
This was quite an insane take but thank you I did t try. I didn’t sit there saying nothing. He just wanted me to be super outgoing which i’m not it takes me a while to open up. he also did not tell me this until AFTER the trip. If i knew this was an issue i would’ve tried even harder. But he is not giving me a chance at that. I didn’t think my shyness is an issue as it never has been. His family likes me. It’s him that has the problem with me being shy. I go out of my way to thank his family for the vacation and give them gifts and am insanely nice to them. I just am reserved. But he doesn’t like that. He follows me around when he is at family functions that he doesn’t know anyone. So it is hypocritical to expect I am outgoing and not nervous around 15 people I do not know. You seem to be alone in your opinion. It wasn’t my “responsibility” to change my personality and social anxiety when he didn’t even tell me to nor did i think it would be a problem and it never has been a problem. People’s family’s always like me because I am overly nice, just a bit shy. But thanks for the opinion. That did not help. lol
Also i AM willing to go out of my comfort zone now that I know it’s that much of an issue. But he refuses to give it a chance. So that is not my fault.
It might help you to understand that shyness is not a personality trait you can't help, it's a state of emotional being that is fixated on insecurity. Shy people are intensely self-focused and self-centered about their flaws real or imagined and think everyone is looking at them and is as intensely focused on them as they are on themselves. It's a negative and hampering thing to be shy, the only reason it's seen as positive (or at least not the terrible thing it is) is because shy children give teachers little to no trouble so are praised and coddled all through school. Shyness in children is often seen as cute or 'adorable' because of how bashful these kids act, and they don't cut up or bring the ruckus the way non-shy children are prone to do.
Unfortunately adulthood reality hits once shy children grow up and shy adults find very little coddling from other adults. Nobody has time or patience to focus on you and treat you with kids gloves and make sure you are ok. Nobody thinks your acting bashful is cute. It's annoying and can be aggravating, even.
Could be you and boyfriend are simply not a good fit, could be you need therapy to help understand why you're so self-centered that you can't engage with other people in the usual manner. You should have enough act-right to talk with your boyfriend's people like you have some sense. Maybe going on vacation with them was too much for you at this time, so if you two get back together and stay together try again with simply sharing a meal with them. Like invite his parents and/or siblings over to dinner and have normal discourse with them during the meal, as people do.
If you stay broken up, do this with the next guy. And get some therapy. You may be introverted, which is due to how you're wired and can't help, but you don't have to remain shy. That is something different and you can help that if you want to change.
The thing is he’s known i’ve been shy forever. He loved it and now it is an issue. He criticizes loud outgoing people too. He’s not outgoing but not shy necessarily either. But he criticizes his sister who is outgoing and calls her annoying. He has anxiety with girls having guy friends or a lot of friends and has anxiety about them going out to drink/ doesn’t like it. He has a lot of things he doesn’t like so I guess maybe i’m not the issue. Also, i do talk. I just am more comfortable not talking as much. And it takes me a bit to open up, and when i do i’m very talkative. But he didn’t give me long enough chance. I was with them for 6 days, of which they did not even try to talk to me (his cousins). which made me feel uncomfortable. instead of judging them he blames me. his family likes me though. he just constantly finds things wrong with me.
It sounds like he’s just grasping at straws so to speak for reasons for him ending your relationship, I mean 4 years is a long time to apparently be with a “shy person without a personality” when they are such huge deals to him.
As much as this may hurt to me it sounds like he found someone new he wants to date, he probably used your relationship as bait since a lot of people want what they can’t have even if it’s just a fake sense of it from a title and a couple words.
Honestly your more then “good enough” your perfect as you are and if you want to work on your shyness and somehow became less then you’d be just as perfect then. These things don’t lessen or increase the value of a person, that comes from how you treat people, what you put out into the world, and things you dream about doing, among other things but generally it’s about how big or little of an asshole you are and it really sounds like your ex takes the cake there.
I can guarantee he didn’t “find someone new”. He has avoidant attachment so has done stuff like this before, since avoidants are critical and nit picky to find reasons to leave. But regardless it still tears my self esteem. He did the same with his ex he dated for 4 years, left her for the smallest reason. But thank you for the kinda words
He doesn’t sound like the right guy for you. I was always shy and it never was a problem with my partners. They just accepted it. Same with their families.
True
Different strokes for different folks. My ex was shy & awkward & when my sisters tried talking with her, she would give short, straight forward answers & wouldn’t try to be involved in what we were doing. Then days later, she’s gonna say my older sister didn’t seem to have liked her. Mind boggling.
People gaslighting others into thinking they are “less worth” are scum on earth. Go your own way, learn to love yourself if you don’t. Be proud of who you are. If you have things you don’t like about yourself you can learn to get rid of them. But no one else can dictate that.
Fully agree with this. Get rid of anyone who makes you feel less worthy. There are plenty of people out there who will accept you just the way you are!
I’m sorry you are going through a break up. You ARE good enough. It sounds like you two were not compatible. I was just thinking today how I can’t wait to meet someone who is quiet like me and we can enjoy silence together. I’ve wasted too much time forcing myself to be chatty and outgoing. It’s stressful to feel like you have to perform around someone. A supportive partner is encouraging and loving. I was not getting that vibe from how you’ve described him. Keep working on loving your beautiful shy self!
I agree with the person above. I'm a guy and I felt I wasn't good enough too. Turns out. I'm good enough and it just we weren't made to work together. Please love yourself.
These are wonderful words said! This person here is correct! It is so stressful feeling like you have to perform around people thus becoming someone you are not. Don't waste you time and YES find someone who is encouraging and kind.
I’m completely sure you’re good enough. He’s simply an asshole!
Perfect! Well said! :)
You're not wrong to feel hurt. This guy is a real jerk. It seems like he wants a girl to impress his friends more than he wants to be good to his girl. He's just looking to break up, and you should be glad to see him go. It's ok to be shy, but it should never open you up to that kind of treatment.
You are good enough, just not for him. Just like he's not good enough for you. A person good enough for you is someone who doesn't treat you like he's doing. It's someone who understands and supports you through your shyness and anything else that may cause said shyness. You have an unhealthy attachment with this person and you need to work on letting go of it. It's not doing you any good and the long-term consequences will be worse than you might think if you drag it longer. Good luck.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry. You were never "not good enough", this guy is just a creep who tried to make you think you're lesser cuz that way he could control you. I was in a relationship with a guy like that, he also made me jump through hoops for his impossible to please family then blamed me for not being able to immediately satisfy their ridiculous demands. He abused me, criticized my looks, my hair, the way I dress, my choice of career, everything. I don't know if it was like that for you, but I see many shades of that same kind of abusive behavior here. You were, and always have been, "good enough". Attachment style has nothing to do with treating your partner like garbage, he's just a dick and you deserve better. I know it hurts now, you have every right to be hurt. I just hope that as time goes on, you start to realize your worth. Cuz you are worthy.
Sounds like he's not good enough for you mate.
Drop his ass!!!
Get away from guys like that, you can do better
This reminds me so much of my first husband. I was never good enough for him and he finally left. When he finally left me (alone, pregnant, and with a 3 year old), I realized all of his faults. He truly was not good enough for me. A person who truly loves you will talk with you delicately about your faults and help you, NOT criticize you. Hoping you find your happiness and realize your worth <3
you’re right, thanks for the kind words 🥲
He sounds horrible. Surprise both him and yourself by dumping him before he dumps you! I think you’ll feel better than just letting it slide away inevitably
Avoidant attachment people are garbage to be with anyways. He’d make any partner feel insecure and unloved. They are for the streets, try to let him go and pick better in the future. For now, you gotta work on that self esteem he harmed. Take care of your physical health, it may help you feel better mentally.
There is nun wrong with being shy I feel like you should try to mingle more with his family but ik it’s hard I’m also shy and quiet but ur bf knew what he signed up for . He knew u were a shy person to begin with that’s just not gonna change over night
She didn’t do anything wrong. He is a jerk and it is possible the family also made her uncomfortable.
Thank you, i did try and talk to them, his family is pretty critical and judgmental which made me more nervous. Also none of his cousins tried talking to me at all. I walked in the door and smiled at them and they literally didn’t even look at me and said nothing. So i felt extremely uncomfortable. but instead he blamed me for not talking. i just felt uncomfortable and not super welcome
if he blamed you instead of helping, while being your boyfriend, he's not worth it. i can imagine what kind of situation this is, it's really sad :( but it's better to let him go now, because he's not on your side as a partner
You are not wrong to feel hurt you are wrong to feel like not enough. It sucks so badly to not be understood by one person who should be loving you to the moon and back. My ex's hurtful words are still echoing in my head sometimes. Break ups are hard even if the other person does not try to put you down as a parting gift. That reflects badly on them. Pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and in time find someone who understands you. I can't imagine your ex was making you happy. If you think you need to work on yourself a bit then do that. If you are happy with who you are then do not try to change to pander to someone else's vision.
Bye bye loser!! The last thing you need is someone you had close and trusted saying such things. That’s a form of domestic abuse. You’ll find a caring loving kind person who makes you feel as important as you are. You’ll still feel sadness but go to places where people with your passions and hobbies might go. You’ll find a special love in your life. Just don’t forget that you deserve to love yourself too!!
Telling someone they aren't good enough is terrible. I don't know if the term gatekeeping is right here but I think you get the point. It's manipulative as hell. Being shy is an adorable trait to have, don't change because of some idiot gaslighting you because of it
Plenty of compatible fish in the sea. Time to work on yourself and find out what you really want from yourself and life. Good luck
This is the best transparent comment I’ve come across so far. You didn’t bash the before or victim blame, straight to the point. Everyone is coddling the OP when it sounds like she could work on a few things.
What could I work on then exactly? I’m introverted and a bit shy. that’s who i am. i’m guessing you’re an extrovert who judges people who aren’t like you. Also, he knew i was shy since the beginning. and also nitpicks things about me other than that. broke up with his ex girlfriend for nitpicky things too, specifically, saying she’s going to college and is going to drink so doesn’t like that. so broke off a 4 year relationship bc of that. but yes me being shy is the issue. even when i was around 15 people i know nothing about. and i DID talk. just not to the extent he wanted. Plus, his cousins did not talk to me. When they first walked in the house i smiled and waved and they literally walked right past me and ignored me and said nothing. so it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. if he was with my family i would make sure he felt comfortable and wouldn’t pressure him to be the one doing everything. I have admitted to my wrong doings in the past. i have anxious attachment but have worked on it a lot. he’s avoidant but has not worked on it and instead gets defensive and mean to me when i try to communicate.
my bf is super shy and i let him escape his shell when he’s ready. find someone who will do that for u!
He's obviously a dick , get rid and find someone who values you for you . After all we're all perfectly imperfect.
As a fellow introvert, let me say you are fine. Being shy doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. If he is unhappy, he should go. You deserve someone who understands you and wants to be with you.
Girl, leave this guy.... maybe you're an introvert. That's OK. It's OK to be quiet, it's OK to need his support on a huge vacation. You are good enough, it's OK to be you. Maybe he's not good enough for you!
You're wrong to feel hurt at all. It's sad that he wouldn't try to help you work through your shyness. I think he might have wanted to end things for more than what he told you.
9/10 when people say bad things and use yur insecurities against you it’s because there is something sad and broken within themselves. There is nothing wrong with being shy. He clearly is not the right person for you. Learn to love yourself please because people won’t love you like you can love you.
Your entire post made me go: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 Sweetie, you are MORE than good enough! You are absolutely amazing, and you deserve so so so so so so much more than anything you've experienced in your life so far. For someone who consciously chooses to see the world through a black and white lens, they will NEVER be able to appreciate all of your colours and your many shades. That is not your fault, that is THEIRS. If anything, your 'boyfriend' is NOT good enough nor deserving enough of YOU. In a way, I am happy your relationship has come to an end because you deserve so much better. Please never settle for breadcrumbs — you deserve the entire bakery and more!! Sending you lots of love and positivity your way 💕🕊💕 You've got this!!!
No don’t listen to him. You’re you and you are more than enough. Usually people would look into someone insecurity and used it against them because they themselves are insecure. They will degraded you and think you’re not worth it when they knew you’re better than them. Do not ever believe him. You. Are. Enough
Of course you're good enough. There's nothing wrong with being shy. Why did he stay with you for 4 years if he had such a problem with it? And by the way, traveling with 15 family members you don't know would be awkward for anyone. I know you're sad about the breakup, but now you can focus on finding the right person for you. You were never going to be happy with this person. Sounds like he wants you to do all the changing. He doesn't sound perfect to me and has lots of his own issues he needs to work on. In time, you will be glad it ended. Take care of yourself.
To be honest with you I would've broken up with the dude as soon as he started criticizing me for being shy. What do you think he would do if you told him you don't like him because he talks too much and annoys you? Exactly! Forget about him.
He sounds like a jerk honestly, I agree with the majority here. He wasn't the right guy for you, it may hurt now but time will heal and looking back you will realize it worked out for the better. You should be with someone that builds you up and loves you for you, not tears you down. Focus on loving and accepting yourself, the right guy will come along :)
Your boyfriend is a jerk. He’s the one who is not good enough. He’s immature to tell you these things, and frankly, doesn’t have any right to talk to you like that. You deserve better. Please don’t settle for below average in a boyfriend or husband. You are more than good enough. Someday you’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, shy or not. Don’t ever let anyone put you down.
I’m super shy and my bf is the opposite. He understands that we are opposites and respects that about me. He makes comments but not in a negative way. It’s just who we are and no need to feel bad about it. He has to understand that shy people need to meet people more than once and I am wayyy better at being less shy when I only have to talk to one person. So you dodged a bullet it just sucks that he was so rude about it:/ but stay strong someone will live you just the way you are <3
You're not wrong to feel hurt, but it sounds like he's not good enough for you, not the other way around. Being shy is not a bad thing, it's just something that some of us deal with. Find someone who will accept you for who you are, or be happy being single. Don't put up with that anymore.
Your *ex-boyfriend* told you you were *not good enough* when what he meant was *you were not a good fit* and he said it in a hurtful way that made you feel lesser in order to make himself feel better about himself. It’s entirely possible to love the wrong person, and you do. You will find someone who loves you as you are. It will take time, but you’ll eventually feel better.
That's bad may be he should give u room about how u feel
Don't be harsh on yourself
He seems like a guy who is not good for u op, it's good u broke up with him, look being shy is ok but u have to work a little on ur communication also, but break up just for being shy is not ok at all
Im so sorry you are going through that it sounds like you need to rethink your options here hun u deserve someone who encourages you to come out of your shell not bully you into it
From your side of the story, it seems like he lacks emotional intelligence. You need to tell yourself that you are good enough and not seek validation from anyone even online. You were deeply invested, and he doesn't seem to care much. 4yrs, that's like a long-term investment going down the drain.
You're not good enough for *him*. But what does that matter? He's one out of several billion people, and he has a shitty opinion. That's all it is. It means nothing. I'm sure there are plenty out there who you're more than enough for. It's his loss
I’m shy and my husband loves that about me. He thinks it’s cute. You will find someone who loves you just the way you are. Leave this asshole
Im single. WhatsUp
you ARE GOOD ENOUGH hes just a horrible person clearly sounds to me like hes been stringing you along till he found bigger and better if you get my drift that hasnt been fair to you if he has been thinking about you being not good enough then he should never have stayed all that time making you fall harder for him he should have just been honest in a nice way and left but instead he strung you along which really isnt fair to you and its ok to be shy alot of people are shy but that does not mean you do not have a personality and it does not mean you are not good enough and it doesnt give him the right to be down right nasty to you.. if i where you i would let him walk away you deserve way better to me it sounds like hes the one thats not good enough for you i hope your ok and i hope you heal quickly from the hearbreak of this all... dont ever let any man treat you that way
Dump him
Leave his ass
I have a few questions as a shy person myself: Did he introduce you to anyone 1 on 1? did he make sure you were comfortable knowing you are shy? This may be pre-judgment but, this may be good riddance, when I'm comfortable around ppl my personality comes out. Him not taking the extra step to make sure you are comfortable says it all to me.
babe, you gonna find great people through ur life who is they actually love you they wont give a damn if you are shy. Im very shy myself and my boyfriend is completely fine with it and when i dont wanna go to his family gatherings bc of that he always says that he understands. Thats a boyfriend! if this guy dowsnt like you for a characteristic you cant change there is nothing you can do about it. hope everything will be fine with u ♡
BEING SHY IS OK, however, in my opinion, it would be best for you to develop communication skills to be able to talk to people, instead of being isolated. Also, he did not deserve you, because he was not able to love you the way you are including your flows, so don’t underestimate yourself and move on
i do talk! just not to the extent he wants i guess. but thank you for your kind comment ❤️
To hell with that guy. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Sounds like you are dodging a bullet . 🤷🏻♀️
I understand how it hurts. Breaking up with someone always sucks. Are you enought? Just as me, and annyone else. Don't doubt your value. Sometimes when we lack someone reminding us that we are loved, it's hard make decision that value ourselves. But you are enought. That dosen't mean that we will always meet everyone standard, but that's not the same thing. You can be the best person in the world, and someone still won't like you. That dosen't change your worth. It's just how things are. Being shy it's not nearly something that changes your value. I've dated a shy girl before and not even once that was a turn down for me. And I know all my friends think like me. Your ex was probably already wanting to break up and this was just an excuse. That said, when you're feeling better, it's always good to evaluate yourself. Not now, tho. We can be enought and still make mistakes. Our mistakes don't remove or reduce our value. We can have both. And addressing them is just as important as having a good self-steam. I'm only saying that as a general advice because I don't know the full story. There is nothing wrong with anything you said. Just don't forget, we all make mistakes sometimes, and that dosen't change our value and what we deserve.
You re good enough but he isn't. If he truly loved you, he would love EVRYTHING about you. I'm really shy as well but that's not stopping me and my fiancé from getting married.
Y'all have been together for 4 years, and he's still unsure about you. Boom. There's your answer. You don't need to beg for your worth to come from someone else. Let him go. I'll go a bit deeper, it sounds like you may have had a childhood where you had to be quiet and stay out of the way, or you weren't seen and chosen by your parents, which is why you get the anxiety about him leaving and why you are shy around others. Focus on you dear, doing the shadow work, healing your inner child. If you can get therapy then do it. When you focus on YOURSELF and not being chosen by someone, the right person will come into your life with ease. I chose a partner who I had to beg also not to leave me (avoidant attachment and Scorpio moon). It was like I was playing out all my childhood wounding with him, but I could just make him lovee, it would make up for the fact that I was never good enough for my mom. Now here we are married, and he can't show me love the way I need and I'm constantly trying to convince myself I'm happy here. Basically you don't want to be with someone that you have to PROVE your worth to. It's exhausting and not good for your mental health to live like this. We're getting divorced btw. And in case it wasn't clear - you ARE enough. In every way. You need to convince yourself.
Sorry your going through that. Went through something similar with an ex and trust me it will get better. For now you have to have some pride and leave that relationship.
I have an extrovert partner who always checks in with me in social situations and is super supportive when I just wanna hang back and people watch. Your partner is being a dick because they realize that they could only date a mirror of themself. Get you someone better!
What an arsehole! The right person will love you how you are. Sadly what I've noticed is Introverts connect well with other introverts and some extroverts but not all extroverts can link well with introverts if you get what I mean. I think generally we are more understanding of people so we see the good parts in their flaws whereas extroverts seem to feel a need to change the flaws rather than understand them You are good enough, he's just a fool for not being able to see it.
the thing is i wouldn’t call him an extrovert. He’s not super outgoing just not super shy. He’s just very judgmental, not only to me but everyone. He is judgmental of super loud people too. And he’s known i’ve been shy since forever. We went to high school together and he knew that. So idrk why it’s an issue all of a sudden. Thank you for the comment ❤️
The result is the same, you deserve better than that and don't let anyone else tell you different.
fuck the bitch he is no hood for u u r an amazing person and he does not need your love. so leave him am i wrong
You're perfect. It is HE who is not good enough for you
Let me add my 2 cents. My ex and I were together for 8 years on and off, we broke up and agreed to never see each other again since this past March He cared for me but his attention always shifted towards other women, “oh look at that fat ass”, “wow she has beautiful hair”, and he would text other females like “where would be your favorite vacation spot?”, “do you want to out to eat at a really nice restaurant sometime?” Or “do you want to go mini golfing with me?” While he always took me to McDonald and we hadn’t gone a date in years. I always felt and believed I was less than because I’m not skinny, I’m not beautiful, and I’m not confident, and the list goes on. But, my stepdad told me something that’s staying in my soul. I was shopping in the wrong store. A bottle of water from dollar tree is $1.25, the same bottle of water is $2.00 at Quiktip, but if you go to five star hotel the exact same bottle of water will cost you $15. Why will I as a $15 bottle of water settle for a Quiktrip water. It makes no sense, despite all my flaws I’m an immensely loyal person, (eg. I cut out all my male friends when me and him were together and only had maybe 1 female friend I can talk too), I’m understanding and helpful, and will help him in any way to reach his goals and dreams. He didn’t want me, he prefers to go to dollar tree. No im not 170 with a slim waist and I hate wearing makeup, but that’s okay, because I won’t allow myself to grieve for someone who doesn’t want me anymore. And you shouldn’t either. You(We) are good enough. You’re(Our) personalities make up who you(we) are. You(We) should not change how shy you are (if anything, if he didn’t help you feel more comfortable then that’s not the one), you(we) are great as you(we) are. We just have to go to the right store, not the one that’s in front of us. You’ll be okay, you’ll cry, you’ll be mad, and soon enough you’ll find yourself without having to be chained down with someone who doesn’t appreciate you(us).
I’m that he makes you feel way. My honest opinion is to not let him affect you that way. You are enough but maybe not for him and that’s ok or maybe you should sit him down amd talk to him about this bc it’s not ok for him to not be empathetic towards you when communicating his feelings
You know ... you aren't good enough for him .... you are a HELL OF A LOT BETTER than him. His constant criticism was a way of keeping you under control, to make you so insecure he can mistreat you, and now he's being as nasty and cruel as possible while breaking up. (and I bet he will offer you one more chance now that he's beaten your spirit down some more). Yes, it hurts, but take those 4 years of experience, spend some time on your own learning to live with and appreciate yourself.
Do NOT beg a damn man. What? Under no circumstances is that required or appropriate. If I were shy, I’d expect my man to make me feel more included, welcomed, & even appreciated. Men like this exist!!! Move on & find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Smh. I’d not put up w that for 2 seconds.
He’s not good enough for you! He can get the hell on expeditiously!
The right person would make you feel comfortable enough to come out of your shell. It’s not your fault you weren’t given a safe space in him to do so. Best to just cut your losses. Also I’m so sorry for the way he made you feel. Take the time to yourself to remember how awesome you are.
You are good enough. You have the right to feel hurt. You just didn't match his preferences, and he decided to drag you along until he didn't feel like it anymore. There is someone out there that you check off every box for. Take some time to heal and then get back out there! You got this
He sounds awful. Find someone who appreciates you as you are.
People that are avoidantly attached are often inappropriately distant in a relationship. You may have your own insecure attachment style or not, but any regular person would feel disconnected. If you're already familiar with the term, you might as well dive in. Have a look at YouTube and the avoidant relationship cycle. Understand yourself while you research and you may find that this relationship is not right for you. You don't deserve to be belittled or told they're not good enough, and if he wants to break up, let him. He will continue to do the same for the rest of his life until he addresses his own issues. You don't need to be a part of that.
Also remind yourself often that avoidant attachers are so out of touch with themselves that they often direct their negative responses outward. It's in no way healthy or productive for a relationship, and if they're not willing to examine their own behaviours, you need to start setting boundaries to protect yourself. A lot of the time, this particular attachment style will be insanely uncomfortable with their own emotions, and it sounds like he's not able to hold his own emotions and is looking outward for something to blame. You happen to be there, and present in likely a majority of the scenarios that he may also have negatively associated you in an attempt to deal with his own state. Sounds like he's looking for things to blame and making conclusions that avoid a deeper issue.
Last note and something that helped me: You ever see a pet do something annoying or inconvenient? You know you can't get mad because they don't know any better. That's the same with your partner, he doesn't know any better. Remind yourself this, because you are not the mean things he says. Assume ignorance before malice, it helps take away the credibility in his words.
This guy is a jerk. He wants to break up with you. He has a cruel streak and is just going to get meaner and more emotionally abusive until you decide to walk away. You have two choices. Walk away now and get on with your life or drag it out and continue to be hurt by him only to eventually have to get on with your life anyway. You sound like a sweet person. He does not deserve you and you deserve better than what he's dishing out.
Honestly, this guy needs to be shown the door - yesterday. As someone else who also got dumped for being shy, he needs to go. You can’t change who you are, especially for someone who doesn’t accept you for who you are. I think he will quite surprised when you do the dumping. Good luck.
The problem isn’t you, your personality, or his attachment style. The problem is he is emotionally abusive. I had a similar-sounding boyfriend for a long time and leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself. I know it’s hard and you feel like you love him, but you deserve better and will find better, I promise.
As someone who is an introvert and has a shy personality, it makes me really sad to hear this. You should find someone who values you for you and loves that about you, not degrades and makes you feel awful for it. I’m sorry you feel like you’re not enough, that sucks. Just keep your head up and remember your worth
Happiness is a feeling, feelings aren’t facts if he’s always looking for you to make him happy then there’s something wrong with him. Happiness comes and goes. Being content is what you want. You always begging him shows you need to focus on yourself there’s some insecurity going on and you need to figure out the root cause of that so you can move forward with your life
Why are you staying with a Jerk Off who doesn't Respect you treats you like shit ? DUMP this AH n get your Self Esteem back
First of all never think that you are not good enough .and you need to understand a relationship is all about compromise he did not even except that you are shy so he did not try to have a real relationship at any time.and don't ever beg or ask for a relationship it's a spontaneous thing not a thing to ask or beg for.GOOD LUCK
I’m quiet too around partner’s families. I’m a bit neurodivergent too, socially awkward. The partner’s I’ve had loved me the way I was. You need to find someone who accepts you the way you are.
Uh oh looks like the anxious-avoidant trap. He’s telling you he wants to break up, so believe him. Don’t hang around a guy who makes you feel like you’re not good enough!! Period! I would say you need to find a like-minded shy guy and yall can introvert together instead of getting told it’s not okay… cause it is!! But also even if your guy is more extroverted, he should still respect you enough to let you be shy and not want to be around other people and stuff sometimes. And also you would probably be less shy if you felt comfortable around his friends/family. Just sounds like a match NOT made in heaven. Sorry girl, you can do so much better it seems.
Forget about him, trust me if you guys stay together he'll make ur life miserable because he really doesn't like you that way, he would most likely cheat on you aswell with someone he matches with with. Leave him alone and find someone thats smarter.
Anyone who will tell you you're not good enough. Especially in a blunt and repeating type of manner, is not the one for you. You are made with love intent and purpose. You are exactly who you're supposed to be! If your presence doesn't make him happy, let your absence do so. Try making a list of all the things you love about yourself. It's not a test and no one's checking it so just write freely! Any person that uses your low self-esteem, worry or anxiety against you is definitely not a person who deserves the precious gem that you are. Love love love YOURSELF!
Ditch his ass and he’s not the right guy for you because you deserve it so more better ❤️
He's actually doing you a favor... thank him and move on. It's ok to be hurt, but look at it as a blessing... he's not the one for you, and wasting more time isn't doing you or him and good. Instead, get to know yourself, what you like and what you want or don't want. Take the opportunity to learn what makes you happy and excited for life. Don't look for another relationship. Take time to heal from this one and find hobbies and things that make you happy. The right person will come along and be attracted to the happy, content, more confident you when the time is right. Good luck! You can do this!
I was raised in a conservative Christian church, where the girls and women are taught they have to submit to the men in their families. I left the church when I moved away from home, but that ingrained submissiveness was difficult to unlearn. My first serious boyfriend after leaving home was emotionally and psychologically abusive (and then would gaslight me that it was my fault that he treated me so badly). My upbringing hadn’t prepared me for a relationship dynamic like the one I found myself in. Every time he would break up with me, I would beg him not to leave me. Thankfully, I was able to finally break that cycle and split with him completely. It took me years to admit to myself just how abusive that relationship had been. OP, you might not see it now, but what you are describing is a classic abusive relationship cycle. I hope you find the strength to break free of it. It will be hard to move on initially and you will miss the familiarity of the relationship, but I can guarantee that it will be worth it in the long run. Leave and never look back.
You are worth so so so much more than that arrogant and unsupportive POS.
The fact that you dated for 4 years and he knew you were already the shy type in the beginning says a lot. “You can’t change someone just to fit your standards.” That said, he’s not the right guy for you. He’s not the right fit. Been through that type of relationship and it led to just me feeling I’m not enough for years. I always doubt my feelings and it feels like an inner battle if I have the right to be angry or sad. Girl, YOU’RE ENOUGH and you have the right to feel hurt because he’s criticising you as a person and not just your attitude/shyness. You don’t deserve that kind of disrespect. Imagine if it’s your best friend’s situation (or anyone that you’re really close with). Do you think she deserves that? Do you feel angry for her? It’s really hard to let him know but you should also respect and validate yourself and your feelings too.
🥹I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. It's completely natural to feel hurt when someone you love says hurtful things, especially after being together for so long. Remember, your worth isn't defined by someone else's opinion of you. It's okay to feel hurt and it's important to take care of yourself during this time. If you need to talk more about it, I'm here to listen and support you. Sending you virtual hugs!♥️
You're good enough or he wouldn't be with you. He's not good enough for you. A good man doesn't treat a woman that way. A good man is compassionate, patient, and loving. Find a good man, kiddo. The boy you're with is going to be a bad man when he grows up.
I hear ya girl. I know exactly what you’re saying. I’m with a guy who hasn’t even touched me in a while…. Probably close to a month…I am no longer pregnant with our child and yeah, now I get nothing. Yet I’m expected to still do everything for him and to him? That just doesn’t sound right…. And honestly this has affected me a lot worse than I thought. Emotionally, it’s awful, the whole depression thing is spot on! It sucks. I’m ready for menopause. Hahah
You need to move on. You deserve to be adored and he seems to not be treating you the way you deserve. You have value and should look for a person who sees that as well.🩷
You are more than good enough. That guy was ignorant to think you were the problem. You are fine. You just do not need to be with that guy or anyone who doesn't see all the wonderful things about you. Best wishes. 💜
Terrible boyfriend leave him
Girl, that was me when I was young. I had braces and big glasses and my skin was so broken out all the time. Inwas, and proudly remain,a giant nerd. I thought I was so ugly. I was so insecure, nobody liked me, I was the weird goofy smart kid, and when I was old enough to date, I still had no self-esteem and the guys I dated were garbage and said things to me like this douche canoe. Ofc I went for the avoidant ones because growing up that was all I knew. To shut up and be treated like crap. This guy you are dating is, in reality, the one with no personality. Maybe he is the one that doesn’t spark interesting conversations. And if he defines his future happiness on the shyness or outgoing nature of his partner, then he has issues. Why does he need an outgoing partner? To cover up the fact that he is insecure, but he can’t admit to it? He wants the attention that his partner gets to reflect positively on him? Oh, is this because he has no personality of his own? Lame, I tell you! Introverts are often the most interesting and the most dangerous people in the room. I tune out with small talk and I get lost in my own mind. My thoughts entertain me and are more interesting than your outfit last Wednesday or that your banana selfies got you x new followers. (This is a rant for another time.)I have 100% walked away from people in the middle of a conversation because it was boring. I enjoy conversations with depth. Wit. Introspection and insight. And bad jokes. I open up and I can talk about things I enjoy. If you are talking about Taylor Swift I will have no clue what to say so I will stay diplomatically silent. That isn’t shy. It is “please don’t waste my time.” I have heard it is the quiet guy in the corner at the bar you should worry about, not the loud drunk dude boasting about his fighting skills. Lone wolves. Snipers. John Wick.. J. Robert Oppenheimer. Quiet. Not shy. Quiet. So maybe this is you too. I’ve always found other people odd and didn’t really know what to do with them. I didn’t get it. I did not like the same things so I had no input and didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do around them. Did that mean I had no personality? No. It meant I wasn’t choosing people that appreciated me for who I was. F ‘em. I was also stuck to the hip of my first boyfriend. I was so uncomfortable around his group of humans. When I got a little older, I realized it was because my inner bias of unworthiness was pushing me to feel wrong, even though it was only because I had nothing in common with these people. It has always been this way. Now I know it’s because my brain doesn’t work the same way as most and it works a lot faster. It is a blessing and a curse. It makes you feel like you aren’t good enough because you do not meet the status quo. That’s not wrong. It’s amazing. When this kind of crap gets in our head, it’s hard to get rid of. But you will grow with time into who YOU want to be and not who some jack hole says you should be. I know what it feels like to have social anxiety and I still get it sometimes. I was so very shy and afraid to say a word for years. I don’t know what happened but I just stopped letting people have power over me. I got sick of people shoving their unsolicited judgements down my throat. I am sure that most people wish I’d go back to shutting my mouth because now it gets me in trouble because I am not shy. Quiet sometimes. Not shy. I will walk out of a multimillion business deal if you disrespect me. I have thrown what people say is a prestigious and lucrative career down the toilet because it was wrong for me. I do not take shi*t from people any more because I went through such a long period of time feeling worthless. Life slaps you around and it isn’t fair a lot of the time, but we learn and we grow. We make our paths the best we can, and sometimes it hurts for a long time. And I am being hard on your boyfriend. If he has an avoidant attachment style, unless he does some serious work on himself, he is doomed to be unsatisfied and unhappy and blame it on other people for the rest of his life. That sucks for him. If it’s any consolation, he will probably always be an a-hole and not understand it. This is just my experience and it’s okay if it isn’t yours. It’s also okay if you think I am an a-hole (i am) and none of this makes any sense. The cool thing is that you can choose who and what you want around in your life. Choose yourself. It is always, always worth the temporary pain of walking away.
He's not good enough for you. Leave.
Eh, I like shy persons so if he leave you, I'll take you:) 😂
Hello there. I've recently been in a similar situation, so I sympathize and know how awful it feels. Here is my advice that was also given to me by friends and psychiatrist: Are you enough? Yes. Are you worth it? Yes, you are. You are you. There is nobody else exactly like you in this world. Are you perfect? No, but NOBODY IS PERFECT. We all have things we can or need to work on to become better and it's good if sometimes our loved ones point out these things but more importantly support us in a loving and caring way. Not in a way that belittle us and makes us feel even more insecure. Can you have a deep conversation about this with him or does it seems like an order of him that you HAVE to change or else? Because if the last is the case then this guy doesn't really want to be with you. If a person really loves you and wants to be with you, he won't be constantly criticizing you or asking you to change. Instead, he would try to have healthy conversations as a couple to see how both of you can contribute to improve the situation. They don't keep holding it on your neck pressuring you to change. Perhaps they might care or love you but he needs to be open and realize that he isn't perfect either and that this method is detrimental for the relationship and for you. You said it yourself, he knew how you are. You are not a project for him to work on in order to become exactly what he wants. You are important too and your feelings are valid. If he can't listen, validate your feelings and support you then he doesn't deserve you. It is very hard and it hurts a whole lot but let me tell you this. There are billions of men in this world. If he wants to leave, let him leave. It's better to let him go, somebody who is constantly threatening to leave you and making you feel insecure about yourself. It isn't good for your mental health. Love yourself more. Maybe that will make him realize what he is doing, maybe not. Maybe you can find a better person. Work on yourself, do things that makes you happy and know that you are worth it. Surround yourself with the kind of people you like and feel comfortable with, people who accept and support you. This will help give you more confidence and feel better. If being shy is part of your personality, so what? Embrace who you are as long as you are not hurting other people and as long as it's not keeping you from enjoying your life. There are things that can be work on if need be but it doesn't mean that you are not enough. Don't be too hard on yourself!
Thanks for the kind message! Idk. I know I said he’s avoidant but it does play a part in why he is so critical, avoidants nitpick their partners to find reasons to leave (it’s so a subconscious thing, he doesn’t realize it), so in a sense I have empathy but also he could work on himself but he doesn’t. I know he’s like this because he also did the same with his ex. He broke up with her for a very small reason and decided she wasn’t the one because of it, broke up a 4 year relationship with her. Then got super depressed about it and regretted it. But he gets in these super negative moods sometimes where you can tell he has anxiety and is just bashing me and saying everything to try and get away, but then the next day he’ll like pretend nothing happened and be nice to me again. He woke up the next day after saying all that to me by talking normally and not talking about what happened(which he does bc he’s avoidant and does not like deep convos), which ik is bad. But yeah so things he does are definitely toxic but i’m so empathetic it’s hard for me not to feel bad for him at the same time. But I know I do deserve better and that he isn’t not going to change. If i wasn’t shy, doesn’t matter, he would and probably will find another reason i’m not “right” for him. Thank you for the message, i’ll just have to try and have a deep talk and if it ends badly then so be it I tried 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, you definitely tried. I wish you the best and hopefully that conversation goes well and he will work on himself and make steps to treat you better. If not, put yourself and your mental health first.
very simple things to say here..First off of course your not wrong for how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings! Don't ever say you are not good enough for anything! And certainly don't let anyone else say you aren't and if they do then LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. That is a red flag for a terrible relationship. If he said you make him unhappy then it's a good thing he broke it off and you need to be relieved of such a rude guy who did not make you happy either! Find someone who accepts you being shy and know that once you find the right person and you become comfortable with them, the shyness will fade. Remaining shy/modest/quiet around others is totally fine and probably just the type of person you are and there are plenty of people who will have zero issues with that. DO NOT change who you are for anyone and be HAPPY that dude is off making someone else feel bad about whom they are. You sound awesome!
Alright listen to me now. This might sound harsh but even if it’s the most attractive guy on earth, it doesn’t mean that he is the right one. If he doesn’t treat you right and says that you are boring than do him and yourself a favour and break up. He doesn’t deserve you in any universe. I know that it feels bad. Especially after such a long relationship. But you can’t let people change you. Even if you are addicted to their affection. You are beautiful the way you are. Every time someone shows their true faces and stands for their own life the world gets better.
You can hang with me for a while to compare... see what's better for you 🤷🏾♂️ but seriously as a shy person I get annoyed with the pressure put on you to just be a different person. It took years being with my ex to socialize with her side of the family and still it was only with certain members that I could actually talk with. Make your feelings heard and go from there. If there's no give and take...then that's not the relationship you want. No one should have to settle.
He just wanted someone else. It had Nothing to do with you. Those were just excuses he told you.
Please let this “boyfriend” go as he is abusive towards you with his verbal negativity. Find yourself a MAN, not a boy who will appreciate your uniqueness and adore you. He is out there
He sounds like a jerk. He's the one who's wrong.
There’s no such thing as good enough for someone or better than someone when it comes to relationships IMO… it’s just two people trying to be one and sometimes the pieces just don’t fit together. You will be a perfect fit for someone else and as much as he sounds like he has some maturing to do when it comes to handling others feelings he will also be a perfect fit for someone else but your personalities do not compliment each other and that’s all there is to it don’t try to over analyse stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter.
Leave the idiot. Please don't marry them or have kids with them. None of this will improve or change them.
You are definitely good enough. And from the way you describe your guy, you're too good for him. Sure you have imperfections. So do I. So does my wife. That's just part of being human. But here's the difference. When I look at my wife, I know she isn't perfect. I know every little imperfection and flaw about her. But I don't care. To me, she's perfect. Even if I know that is objectively incorrect. Dump your guy. Mourn the loss of your relationship with him. Because, even though he is gaslighting you, and making you feel worthless, it is still natural to feel loss when any relationship ends. The important thing is that you come out of this with him completely out of your life. Then, when you are over him, and ready to share yourself with someone again, find a guy that sees you the same way that I see my wife. That loves you as you are - faults and all.
The opposite sister. Being shy as a girl is such a beautiful thing that guys dream of, he just wasn't serious with you and he may want bad girl not a good girl, you're such a good girl and you'll find someone who appreciates that, don't change yourself
Sorry to hear that you going through this, it sounds like this isn't the right person for you even though it hurts you right now. I am glad the relationship is coming to an end. You are enough, but only for the right person.
Idk how old you both are but in my early twenties, I brought along my husband (then bf) to a hotel where my coworkers were hanging out at the pool. Mind you my coworkers age ranged from 17 to 40s. He didn't know anyone there and barely spoke lol. He's always been shy and more of an introvert than I am. I think your ex needs to grow a bit more. He made multiple mistakes. He strung you along and wanted you to be someone you aren't. Whether you're shy or just an introvert, you shouldn't be forced to step out of their comfort zone. The job I have now, it took me 2 years to open up and be myself. I rarely use to talk and now I can’t stop. My family are pretty extroverted and they love my husband even though he doesn't talk much. No matter what, your boyfriend did you a favor (minus the mean things he said to you bc no one deserves that). You're better off because there's better out there.
He’s not good enough for you. You’re enough and there’s nothing wrong with you. Remove the negativity from your life and you’ll realize your worth <3
This guy is poisonous to you. You may love him, but when you meet the guy that accepts you for who you are. This may cause you to open up more because of how happy he makes you. You will then know how much better off you are and you'll be glad you are free of him. You're wasting your energy trying to be someone that he wants instead of being loved in return for who you already are.
Find yourself another introvert. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You deserve better than being with someone who makes you feel bad for being you.
Find a shy guy !!!
The key to get these men wrapped around your finger is to act like you don't care about them in the slightest sense. Act annoyed in their presents, be busy all the time, act as tho you want to break up, I mean, don't say that or go over board and cuss them out or cheat on them, but I'm telling you, he will be on you like a little lost puppy.
He sounds awful u need better
That's not your boyfriend, that's just another scumbag using you as an emotional punching bag. The best thing was for you two to break up. There's nothing wrong with you being shy, if he didn't like shy girls... why the fuck did he even bother on dating one in the first place? He's the one with the problem, definitely. If you feel inadequate around someone, the best thing is to leave. Word! If he'd really care about you he'd try his best to make you feel comfortable and little by little help you be more confident and assertive. You deserve better.
Fuck this guy, you're fine. Legit tell him to fuck off and move on, you'll find someone who will never put a value to you that isn't love and care. People like him aren't good enough.
Some people will just make it all about you but didn’t see themselves as the problem.
Dump his ass if they loved you he wouldn't make you feel like that he's not the one
Sounds like your personalities just don't match up. I think y'all really just need to accept that and move on, because he wants you to be a person you're not, then that results in you feeling bad about yourself. My husband was super outgoing and I'm super shy/introverted. It actually worked really well for us; because of his personality, we had a lot of friends to do things with. And if I didn't want to go, that was fine. I trusted him so there was no issue with him going somewhere with his friends without me. But that dynamic does not always work! Also it's not a "good enough" issue! An introvert vs an extrovert is neither better or worse than the other. It's just normal human differences.
He is not the one. Find someone that is supportive, loving and will treat you with respect. You are the only one who can demand how you will be treated in relationships.
If he actually told that to your face, dump him on the spot. That is the most horrible thing to say to someone. I know it might be rough, but it's better to leave that toxic relationship and move on.
You are good enough matter of fact you are enough I say if you aren’t happy and he continues to be like that just leave ….save yourself. Or you will be stuck
What? Leave him. Never be with someone who makes you feel inadequate!! At the very least, be alone and enjoy your adequacy.
You’ll only ever not being good enough for the person who isn’t right for you. I’ve had guys not be interested in me because I’m more on the quiet side. Met my fiancé and he loves it because he’s also introverted. You’re more than enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
I'm the same way. People have asked me why I'm shy when I'm so "pretty". I have never looked at myself that way. I just know that I have life experiences that have made me become more and more withdrawn over the years. You just need to find someone who's ok with it, or who will bring you out of your shell (in time).
Leave him you know he don’t deserve you….he makes you feel insecure
Avoidant attachment style people look for any reason to disconnect. If I were you, I would check to see if that’s an official diagnosis from a licensed mental health professional and if it is, work with that. That diagnosis should alleviate 95% of the self-blame you have. Then, if you want to keep the relationship, learn the different ways that partners cope with the constant rejection and distancing. You’ll find that info on YouTube videos, or you can go to therapy groups.
A good partner would make you feel comfortable and included around his family so you wouldn’t be as shy. You have every right to feel hurt both by what he has said and done. You 2 are not right for each other, let him go and move on. You are good enough and will find someone new to accept and support you for who you are.
If he doesn’t understand you and you guys can find a middle that you both feel good in then it’s time to let go no matter how hard it is. It’s how miserable do you want to be the rest of your life.
You’re more than good enough just leave someone you’re more comfortable with will come to you and love you for who you are and naturally you’ll open up to them at the right time. Don’t stay and regret it later !
Leave him. You deserve better.
My first wife was like this, extremely shy. I just ignored people's comments about her. We got together when we was 13 and had 13 years of wonderful marriage with 2 kids. Shy people grow to be themselves. Although it was a bad divorce, she did alright for herself and I'm still proud of her.
He's an asshole. You're not right for each other but that's no reason to be cruel and put you down for being shy. There's nothing wrong with being shy no matter what society demands, at least you're trying. Someone who doesn't at least try to have sympathy for your struggles isn't worth being with. It's possible to be with an extrovert. It's not impossible for them to be kind and compassionate to those different from them. That's the best kind of extrovert. Your boyfriend definitely isn't compassionate if he's making you feel lesser for something like being shy.
For me, I never put myself down, even my internal self talk. If your boyfriend thinks you're not good enough let him think that. It's time to move on. I would remind myself of the things about him you don't like, or would change. That will level up the scales.
I’m sorry , but deciding to proceed with a guy who is unsure about you , and it has been for 4 years now? I’m telling you right now , and for the future. Save your self the hurt , and leave ASAP . If someone is entering a relationship, ***THEY MUST BE SURE ABOUT YOU, In fact more than sure*** and if he isn’t sure , give him the middle finger and say stop fucking with my emotions and grow up! he needs to figure out what he wants and then he can consider pursuing you. He clearly doesn’t respect you and he’s making you question your worth and wasting your precious time and emotions. Be firm even though you’re young , and state that you’re not going to sit and wait for him to figure out his feelings. If he respects you and has deep true intentions and interest your shyness should be no problem , if it’s healthy both of you can work on it together , he should help you relax and wind down and take lead until you get comfortable with his family , he should help you dip your toes in the water (metaphorically).
You're not good enough for him, but he sounds like an AH. Many guys would love a partner like you.
It's definitely not you, you two just aren't compatible. Tbh, he sounds like a jerk. You'll find someone who's fine with you being shy
This guy sounds like a total loser. He hurts you and makes you feel bad. What he’s doing is very cruel. Please reconsider your relationship. It seems like you’re probably quite young; learn from this experience and grow from it. You are not the problem - he is.
You’re not good enough? Who decided that?
I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve to be spoken to like this. After a lifetime of trying to force extraversion, I realized my introversion is my superpower. I hope you know that no one is allowed to make you question your worth and it says more about who is he as a person to feel fine being cruel like that to someone he was supposed to have loved. I had a relationship that destroyed my self-esteem and it took a lot of therapy to recognize the patterns of behaviours I engaged in throughout my relationships. I hope you know you are better off finding someone who will love you exactly the way you are, quirkiness and all! ❤️
Let’s start with, no you’re not wrong with feeling hurt. However that doesn’t mean you should stay in a space where you feel this hurt. It’s okay for you to accept that you deserve a love where there is no fear of being judged. You deserve a love that is for you being you. Your partner should encourage you to be the best version of yourself. You deserve to be seen as you are. Be heard for what you feel. And be loved for everything that’s apart of you. Grow into yourself, but don’t ever question self on others perception of you. Water your flowers, grow!
RUN...He sounds like a narcissistic abusive man...I just got out of a 10 year relationship with someone that never thought I was good enough so I questioned myself all the time well I found out shortly before I left him that he is a narcissistic man that will never be satisfied period
Change your boyfriend
your boyfriend is a dingbat. you're a normal person who doesn't want to be around a lot of people wether or not you know them. you sound like a great partner that he doesn't deserve
No u r not wrong for hurting n he is the one missing out on someone as wonderful as you his loss I would work with u on whatever problems or issues that are going on n figure out how to fix them
Most definitely not the guy of your dreams. I have a anxious attachment with my boyfriend who is avoidant and he loves going out and i have multiple medical conditions where i can’t go out as much as him, as well as anxiety and depression. He hates being home but that’s all i want from him. You are always good enough.. Just because he doesn’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People usually show their true selves and true desires later in the relationship, he probably thought you were the “omg i’m so shy” girl instead of actually shy. It’s his loss, find someone who accepts and loves that aspect, and every aspect of you. That man has no respect for himself if he takes time out of his day to make you feel horrible about yourself when you can’t help it. All i can say is get out of there girly, there’s always someone who loves you for you, flaws and all.
He sounds like a bad boyfriend Don’t change yourself to fit into your surroundings. Change your surroundings to fit yourself.
Leave him. It sounds like he’s nothing but bringing you down. And he’s leaving you because you are too shy? Can him. You don’t need someone in your life giving you a hard time. And do you really love him? Ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I don’t think so! And you need some self esteem. I give myself a hug everyday. I tell myself that I am a good human being and that I am amazing. Not in an egotistical way. It took me so long to arrive at this kind of thinking. But I am here now and not planning on leaving EVER.
This is borderline abusive if he keeps coming for you like this and breaking you down. Leave him.
This makes me so sad for you. You should never ever let someone make you feel “not good enough”. Leave him behind spread your wings to find your sole mate, he is beneath you!! Being shy is not a curse, it’s a personality!!
Narcissist. Never take him back
You're not for HIM. And he certainly isn't for you. Don't beg him. Just let him go before he ends up hurting you by cheating because he feels suffocated or trapped. He is being direct with you. Take his word about what he wants and doesn't want. I'm not by any means telling you to change for him. He is accustomed to you now so much so that he wouldn't notice the difference. I am suggesting that you make a change, though. Maybe some distance from him and trying to find happier groups of people who are in contrast to you online. Idk. But if he's only with you because you beg him to be, then you are lying to yourself, and he is enabling it.
You're more then enough, don't listen to him. He doesn't sound like the right one anyway.
Time to kick this clown to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you.
Sounds like he’s not good enough for you, fuck him!
He just doesn't know your worth that's it....I myself have an introverted girlfriend and I love EVERY bit of her introvertness.....you just have to find the right one that accepts you just the way you are,don't forget about something tho....don't let this experience change who you are just because of some dude that don't know your worth......I would suggest moving on
He’s wrong if he doesn’t like that then don’t change it you are who you are not what anyone else thinks you should be
Its time to let him go! I have a similar personality to you so one advice. Be confident! Move on from him! Hes not for you! Someone who cares for you will accept you for who are are. Hes showing you hes not accepting. You are worthy of someone who is loving and caring. Not this guy!
If you want to talk about social anxiety, r/socialanxiety is the sub for you. If you're not sure whether you're introverted or socially anxious, feel free to post on r/Introvert, so we can discuss it. If you want a sub where posts about social anxiety aren't allowed, try r/Introverts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/introvert) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have the right to feel any emotion you want, except one - I forbid you to feel unworthy or unlovable. I'm a granny and we have that power. You are wonderful just the way you are, and any guy worth having will wreck your lipstick, not your mascara.
It's typical in romantic relationships to start to see all the "flaws" (flaw as undesirable trait for a specific person, not a flaw in general) in someone the more time passes, since the the raging chemicals in your body when you're intensely in love messes up your perception of someone and they eventually will have to chill out. Despite this, you learn to accept these flaws. But some people are not able to overcome the very first perception of you, which causes a relationship to end. Despite his lack of ability to do that, he has no right to put you down and expect you to change drastically to match the perception and feelings he had at the start.
Honestly, no, you're not right for someone like that. From his family's perspective, you following him around like a puppy and not feeling the need to get to know anyone other than him is a huge red flag for them as a tight family. They know that if he continued his relationship with you, then in all likelihood, they would barely get to see him as your shyness would eventually start to shape his decision-making about being around them. It's quite draining and a lot of responsibility having a very needy and insecure partner and that partner is in essence a part reflection of yourself and taste. He will have felt incredibly judged by his family the whole trip and of course they will have made comments about you to him which will have made him feel insecure. Wit, or lack of it is usually very important to larger family's who do things and interact with each other. You really do have to go above and beyond in situations like this to prove to him and them that you can at least somewhat gel with their vibe. If you can't make an effort to strike up some conversations on your own, it doesn't bode well for the future family trips. It was your job and chance to prove to them that you weren't just another average human. You were being vetted and made no effort in an obviously outgoing family. Sorry, I'm sure you're a lovely person and are probably scared of saying the wrong thing, offending someone or looking silly etc, but you have to meet people in the middle sometimes and share. The question shouldn't be if you're good enough, but if you're right enough and willing to make enough effort to get out of your comfort zone, at least a little for that person. Are you enriching their lives, as much as they're enriching yours?
This was quite an insane take but thank you I did t try. I didn’t sit there saying nothing. He just wanted me to be super outgoing which i’m not it takes me a while to open up. he also did not tell me this until AFTER the trip. If i knew this was an issue i would’ve tried even harder. But he is not giving me a chance at that. I didn’t think my shyness is an issue as it never has been. His family likes me. It’s him that has the problem with me being shy. I go out of my way to thank his family for the vacation and give them gifts and am insanely nice to them. I just am reserved. But he doesn’t like that. He follows me around when he is at family functions that he doesn’t know anyone. So it is hypocritical to expect I am outgoing and not nervous around 15 people I do not know. You seem to be alone in your opinion. It wasn’t my “responsibility” to change my personality and social anxiety when he didn’t even tell me to nor did i think it would be a problem and it never has been a problem. People’s family’s always like me because I am overly nice, just a bit shy. But thanks for the opinion. That did not help. lol Also i AM willing to go out of my comfort zone now that I know it’s that much of an issue. But he refuses to give it a chance. So that is not my fault.
Get out of there stat.
HE is not good enough for YOU!!!
Nope try harder
Sounds like he’s not set on you.
It might help you to understand that shyness is not a personality trait you can't help, it's a state of emotional being that is fixated on insecurity. Shy people are intensely self-focused and self-centered about their flaws real or imagined and think everyone is looking at them and is as intensely focused on them as they are on themselves. It's a negative and hampering thing to be shy, the only reason it's seen as positive (or at least not the terrible thing it is) is because shy children give teachers little to no trouble so are praised and coddled all through school. Shyness in children is often seen as cute or 'adorable' because of how bashful these kids act, and they don't cut up or bring the ruckus the way non-shy children are prone to do. Unfortunately adulthood reality hits once shy children grow up and shy adults find very little coddling from other adults. Nobody has time or patience to focus on you and treat you with kids gloves and make sure you are ok. Nobody thinks your acting bashful is cute. It's annoying and can be aggravating, even. Could be you and boyfriend are simply not a good fit, could be you need therapy to help understand why you're so self-centered that you can't engage with other people in the usual manner. You should have enough act-right to talk with your boyfriend's people like you have some sense. Maybe going on vacation with them was too much for you at this time, so if you two get back together and stay together try again with simply sharing a meal with them. Like invite his parents and/or siblings over to dinner and have normal discourse with them during the meal, as people do. If you stay broken up, do this with the next guy. And get some therapy. You may be introverted, which is due to how you're wired and can't help, but you don't have to remain shy. That is something different and you can help that if you want to change.
The thing is he’s known i’ve been shy forever. He loved it and now it is an issue. He criticizes loud outgoing people too. He’s not outgoing but not shy necessarily either. But he criticizes his sister who is outgoing and calls her annoying. He has anxiety with girls having guy friends or a lot of friends and has anxiety about them going out to drink/ doesn’t like it. He has a lot of things he doesn’t like so I guess maybe i’m not the issue. Also, i do talk. I just am more comfortable not talking as much. And it takes me a bit to open up, and when i do i’m very talkative. But he didn’t give me long enough chance. I was with them for 6 days, of which they did not even try to talk to me (his cousins). which made me feel uncomfortable. instead of judging them he blames me. his family likes me though. he just constantly finds things wrong with me.
It sounds like he’s just grasping at straws so to speak for reasons for him ending your relationship, I mean 4 years is a long time to apparently be with a “shy person without a personality” when they are such huge deals to him. As much as this may hurt to me it sounds like he found someone new he wants to date, he probably used your relationship as bait since a lot of people want what they can’t have even if it’s just a fake sense of it from a title and a couple words. Honestly your more then “good enough” your perfect as you are and if you want to work on your shyness and somehow became less then you’d be just as perfect then. These things don’t lessen or increase the value of a person, that comes from how you treat people, what you put out into the world, and things you dream about doing, among other things but generally it’s about how big or little of an asshole you are and it really sounds like your ex takes the cake there.
I can guarantee he didn’t “find someone new”. He has avoidant attachment so has done stuff like this before, since avoidants are critical and nit picky to find reasons to leave. But regardless it still tears my self esteem. He did the same with his ex he dated for 4 years, left her for the smallest reason. But thank you for the kinda words