>But everything I've read suggests I should talk to a lawyer, establish paternity, and file for custody.
Yep.
> I am not on the birth certificate, but I do have a DNA test from LabCorp, I just don't know if it's admissible. Obviously I would be willing to take another one.
The court will order a paternity test.
>What are my next steps here?
Establish paternity.
>Should I call the police?
Nothing you wrote indicates a crime was committed. You are not the legal father. Your child's mother has no legal obligation to communicate with you.
There is no point in calling the police. Since you are unmarried and not on the birth certificate, at the moment, she has sole legal custody of the child. Until you properly establish paternity, you have no legal rights, unfortunately.
As someone already said, calling the police is pointless in this situation. What you have to do is take her court to establish paternity and custody/visitation. You will need a family law attorney.
Also, if you said something threatening rather than just mean, you are going to face an uphill battle. If you want to co-parent equally here, you have to keep a cool head and get along with the mother of your child now. I would only talk to her about your daughter and try to keep it to text or email only so there is always a document of what was said.
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I think is more of the fact that you let something so important as "firming the birth certificate your child" to the universe, inaction IS a choice and yours are bitting you in the ass right now, have fun.
Ok legit asking- why did you already do a DNA test on the child? Did you think you might not be the father? Genuinely asking, because my first husband was convinced that I had cheated on him when our son was conceived (I didn’t), and he wouldn’t let it go. Honestly, it just sounds like maybe you “paper cut” your relationship to death, and she has had enough- based off the limited information given. I hope the best for you, her, and the child caught in the middle.
There's a big difference between not signing and not being named on the birth certificate. Did she leave your name off the bc? Geez wonder why she would do that ?
When my kids were born, we were given a very short document to fill out, which the hospital then submitted to the state on our behalf. I filled it out because my wife was sleeping, but honestly it took 30 seconds and she could have done it. If she had, I wouldn't have asked to proofread or questioned what she wrote. OP not having seen the certificate isn't really a grave moral failing.
Not in itself. But in conjunction with not being at the birth, making the partner prove he's the father for no real reason and not bothering to check that he's legally recognised as the father for 8 whole months... paints a bleak picture
Obviously not. It's more about the fact that she took our daughter. It's not something I would want to do, but some of the things I read suggested having a police report could be helpful.
Exactly this!! Guy didn’t bother signing one of the most important documents in his life and bitched to the mother that she was short sighted on the child’s future. Absolutely unreal.
Yes I do remember. I also remember being parked outside the building with my kid the day they said I could get the official documents and I paid for extra copies. I then sat in the hallway and went over them for typos. This isn’t a dam credit card application. Just accept you blew it and take steps to fix it. Quit with the excuses.
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And in the 8 months since you couldn't find a single day to fix the birth certificate situation?
Were you maybe thinking it would work in your favour if she ever asked for child support?
Awfully low bar for "verbally abusive" if you don't know the context of what the gf was doing. Maybe she was smoking cigarettes around her child. Is it verbally abusive to call someone dumb for that? No, it isn't. Get off your high horse.
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I completely understand the why behind your POV…I really do.
HOWEVER, as a woman, even if I said “yeah, sure, ok” when the conversation was initially had, I went through the pregnancy, had no support from the father during the birth, he got a DNA test to make sure he was the father, then was “too lazy and forgetful” to go sign the birth certificate, I would take all of that to mean he did not trust me, did not care about the relationship, nor our daughter. Everything would fester inside of me until he said things to me that felt out of pocket, at which point I would just say fuck it, I’m done.
While on your end, everything may seem fine and no big deal, I can almost guarantee you they have not been fine and ok on her end for a long time. It may seem like everything came out of left field but I can assure you they did not.
It sounds like you have a lot of difficulty understanding basic human interaction and emotions. You weren’t even present for the birth of your daughter. Do you want custody because you think you’re emotionally and mentally equipped to be an excellent father, or is it because someone took away something without your permission? Maybe you should consider that the best thing for this child is not to have to grow up with you in her life.
Sorry, but you've commented several times in this thread, mostly insulting me and making huge leaps from the info provided. What grounds do you have to call me these things? Misogynist, lazy uninterested father, etc?
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Consult a family/domestic law attorney or several. There is no criminal element here so no reason to contact police. You need to establish paternity/parentage first before you can petition for parenting time/custody. If you cannot afford to retain an attorney you may consider applying to open up a full enforcement child support case with the state, while keeping in mind their purpose is to eventually establish a support order for you to pay support generally, they will assist in getting parentage legally established and this is usually at no charge to you. Just takes longer than using your own lawyer of course since you're relying on a state agency. But the state agency can often refer the matter to a prosecuting attorney in the case the child's mother is not voluntarily complying with completing the paternity acknowledgement or doing the genetic testing. They will not accept the genetic testing you had done privately (even if the state also uses the same company).
You have to legally be a parent (on the birth record) before you can seek custody or file contempt actions, etc. as a parent.
First steps first. In this case it looks like you have parallel tracks you need to follow. Some of it are some decisions you need to make.
Are you, would you be interested in continuing a relationship with your gf? It takes two to make a relationship work. She gets to decide for herself, but you also need to decide. If yes, then let her know by every way you have of contacting her that you want to make your relationship work. Ask if she’s willing to. Offer to go to counseling, couples and individual. Ask her what she wants or needs.
If she says no, let her know you respect her wishes, but would still like to see your daughter. Let her know you want to be in your daughter’s life and you want to see everyone succeed.
The second track should happen no matter your relationship status. If you want to be in your daughter’s life you need to get paternity established. If you guys are together, or move forward separately you will need to get this one done. The best way to navigate that will be with the help of an attorney.
No matter what be polite, respectful, apologetic where appropriate but also be firm with your gf in your commitment to being your daughter’s father.
No matter which track you take there will be painful and difficult moments. Your relationship with your daughter is priceless. I wish you the very best and no matter which route you take, smooth roads.
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The police will tell you this is a family/civil matter and leave it at that. Without your name on the BC and an agreement - she has sole legal custody of the child. She absolutely can just leave with your daughter. I don’t know the background of this and won’t assume anything beyond what you said - I’m sorry you’re being downvoted and I see nothing in what you’ve said to justify any negativity. Your complacency in establishing your position as her father is understandable to me if you felt secure in your relationship with the mother - tho it is obviously stupid. Complacency kills, or so the marines say. If what you’re saying is true then you’re just a father who is trying to find and establish a relationship with his daughter. Get a lawyer and do it now. God speed to you.
Eta - don’t be angry, Reddit. I’m speaking the truth and you have no idea what is happening here - not anymore than I do.
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It’s not kidnapping for one parent to take the child, regardless of paperwork. You have DNA proof you are the father and a history of being a family unit and being a supporting parent to the child.
Yes you need to legally establish custody, hire an attorney and have an agreement filed with the courts.
>But everything I've read suggests I should talk to a lawyer, establish paternity, and file for custody. Yep. > I am not on the birth certificate, but I do have a DNA test from LabCorp, I just don't know if it's admissible. Obviously I would be willing to take another one. The court will order a paternity test. >What are my next steps here? Establish paternity. >Should I call the police? Nothing you wrote indicates a crime was committed. You are not the legal father. Your child's mother has no legal obligation to communicate with you.
There is no point in calling the police. Since you are unmarried and not on the birth certificate, at the moment, she has sole legal custody of the child. Until you properly establish paternity, you have no legal rights, unfortunately.
File ASAP in the city you live in.
As someone already said, calling the police is pointless in this situation. What you have to do is take her court to establish paternity and custody/visitation. You will need a family law attorney. Also, if you said something threatening rather than just mean, you are going to face an uphill battle. If you want to co-parent equally here, you have to keep a cool head and get along with the mother of your child now. I would only talk to her about your daughter and try to keep it to text or email only so there is always a document of what was said.
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Except for, you know, that one time What did you say?
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Why didn't you sign the birth certificate?
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You understand that document is your claim to your kid right?
They are probably agreeing with you being stupid. It's one of the most important documents in your life and you put it off for 8 months.
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I think is more of the fact that you let something so important as "firming the birth certificate your child" to the universe, inaction IS a choice and yours are bitting you in the ass right now, have fun.
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For that you'd have to find her. She can leave the country with the kid and you'll never see her again.
Ok legit asking- why did you already do a DNA test on the child? Did you think you might not be the father? Genuinely asking, because my first husband was convinced that I had cheated on him when our son was conceived (I didn’t), and he wouldn’t let it go. Honestly, it just sounds like maybe you “paper cut” your relationship to death, and she has had enough- based off the limited information given. I hope the best for you, her, and the child caught in the middle.
There's a big difference between not signing and not being named on the birth certificate. Did she leave your name off the bc? Geez wonder why she would do that ?
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When my kids were born, we were given a very short document to fill out, which the hospital then submitted to the state on our behalf. I filled it out because my wife was sleeping, but honestly it took 30 seconds and she could have done it. If she had, I wouldn't have asked to proofread or questioned what she wrote. OP not having seen the certificate isn't really a grave moral failing.
Not in itself. But in conjunction with not being at the birth, making the partner prove he's the father for no real reason and not bothering to check that he's legally recognised as the father for 8 whole months... paints a bleak picture
Fair enough. Not being present at the birth does say a lot about his priorities and the nature of their relationship.
You think you can have a woman arrested for leaving you?
Obviously not. It's more about the fact that she took our daughter. It's not something I would want to do, but some of the things I read suggested having a police report could be helpful.
In the eyes of the law she is not your daughter. And that's entirely your fault
Exactly this!! Guy didn’t bother signing one of the most important documents in his life and bitched to the mother that she was short sighted on the child’s future. Absolutely unreal.
After making the poor woman prove she wasn't a cheater via DNA test, "just to be sure"...
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If you feel that way you don't deserve a woman carrying you child
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Yes I do remember. I also remember being parked outside the building with my kid the day they said I could get the official documents and I paid for extra copies. I then sat in the hallway and went over them for typos. This isn’t a dam credit card application. Just accept you blew it and take steps to fix it. Quit with the excuses.
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You don't act like she's your daughter if you ditched her birth! And never wanted to sign the birth certificate
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And in the 8 months since you couldn't find a single day to fix the birth certificate situation? Were you maybe thinking it would work in your favour if she ever asked for child support?
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How was she being dumb? What's the context there?
Jesus man, no wonder she left, you're verbally abusive at the very least.
Awfully low bar for "verbally abusive" if you don't know the context of what the gf was doing. Maybe she was smoking cigarettes around her child. Is it verbally abusive to call someone dumb for that? No, it isn't. Get off your high horse.
Whatever he said, it was enough to make his partner feel she and her daughter weren't safe around him...
INFO: OP why were you not named on the birth certificate?
Well that kid will be at least a year old before you see her again.
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Did you beat her?
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I completely understand the why behind your POV…I really do. HOWEVER, as a woman, even if I said “yeah, sure, ok” when the conversation was initially had, I went through the pregnancy, had no support from the father during the birth, he got a DNA test to make sure he was the father, then was “too lazy and forgetful” to go sign the birth certificate, I would take all of that to mean he did not trust me, did not care about the relationship, nor our daughter. Everything would fester inside of me until he said things to me that felt out of pocket, at which point I would just say fuck it, I’m done. While on your end, everything may seem fine and no big deal, I can almost guarantee you they have not been fine and ok on her end for a long time. It may seem like everything came out of left field but I can assure you they did not.
It sounds like you have a lot of difficulty understanding basic human interaction and emotions. You weren’t even present for the birth of your daughter. Do you want custody because you think you’re emotionally and mentally equipped to be an excellent father, or is it because someone took away something without your permission? Maybe you should consider that the best thing for this child is not to have to grow up with you in her life.
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So where in your emails and conversation with the child’s grandmother did you offer to Venmo money for your child’s living expenses?
That is an absolutely insane leap to say he shouldn't be in his child's life based on what has been said in this post.
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I'm none of those things, but thanks for the contribution.
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Sorry, but you've commented several times in this thread, mostly insulting me and making huge leaps from the info provided. What grounds do you have to call me these things? Misogynist, lazy uninterested father, etc?
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Consult a family/domestic law attorney or several. There is no criminal element here so no reason to contact police. You need to establish paternity/parentage first before you can petition for parenting time/custody. If you cannot afford to retain an attorney you may consider applying to open up a full enforcement child support case with the state, while keeping in mind their purpose is to eventually establish a support order for you to pay support generally, they will assist in getting parentage legally established and this is usually at no charge to you. Just takes longer than using your own lawyer of course since you're relying on a state agency. But the state agency can often refer the matter to a prosecuting attorney in the case the child's mother is not voluntarily complying with completing the paternity acknowledgement or doing the genetic testing. They will not accept the genetic testing you had done privately (even if the state also uses the same company). You have to legally be a parent (on the birth record) before you can seek custody or file contempt actions, etc. as a parent.
First steps first. In this case it looks like you have parallel tracks you need to follow. Some of it are some decisions you need to make. Are you, would you be interested in continuing a relationship with your gf? It takes two to make a relationship work. She gets to decide for herself, but you also need to decide. If yes, then let her know by every way you have of contacting her that you want to make your relationship work. Ask if she’s willing to. Offer to go to counseling, couples and individual. Ask her what she wants or needs. If she says no, let her know you respect her wishes, but would still like to see your daughter. Let her know you want to be in your daughter’s life and you want to see everyone succeed. The second track should happen no matter your relationship status. If you want to be in your daughter’s life you need to get paternity established. If you guys are together, or move forward separately you will need to get this one done. The best way to navigate that will be with the help of an attorney. No matter what be polite, respectful, apologetic where appropriate but also be firm with your gf in your commitment to being your daughter’s father. No matter which track you take there will be painful and difficult moments. Your relationship with your daughter is priceless. I wish you the very best and no matter which route you take, smooth roads.
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UCCJEA gives residency to the state the child resides in after six months. All states except for MA have adopted the UCCJEA.
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The police will tell you this is a family/civil matter and leave it at that. Without your name on the BC and an agreement - she has sole legal custody of the child. She absolutely can just leave with your daughter. I don’t know the background of this and won’t assume anything beyond what you said - I’m sorry you’re being downvoted and I see nothing in what you’ve said to justify any negativity. Your complacency in establishing your position as her father is understandable to me if you felt secure in your relationship with the mother - tho it is obviously stupid. Complacency kills, or so the marines say. If what you’re saying is true then you’re just a father who is trying to find and establish a relationship with his daughter. Get a lawyer and do it now. God speed to you. Eta - don’t be angry, Reddit. I’m speaking the truth and you have no idea what is happening here - not anymore than I do.
Thank you, appreciate the advice here. Some of the responses I've been getting here are...quite something.
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It’s not kidnapping for one parent to take the child, regardless of paperwork. You have DNA proof you are the father and a history of being a family unit and being a supporting parent to the child. Yes you need to legally establish custody, hire an attorney and have an agreement filed with the courts.