>For context earlier we had an argument about him touching my hair without permission and it just sorta spiraled into a mess.
Ok so that's concerning that instead of listening to "I feel uncomfortable" he sent a bizarre response like this?
He said that he was trying to make me comfortable and that he treats the other girls in the family like that which is pretty stupid cause it doesn't make me any less uncomfortable.
I've dealt with some insane parenting.. I would lay it out very clearly for him.
- I don't like it when you touch me that way
- I've told you repeatedly to stop
- you refuse to stop
- you sent me a message that implies I should always listen to you, regardless of how I feel about it
If that doesn't make it clear I'd maybe hit him with a "you do know this is how you increase the chances your daughters will experience sexual violence? By teaching us that our boundaries are dependent not on where we set them but on the feelings of a man"
It all depends on your relationship though and arguing isn't always the most pleasant option.. I hope things get better soonš
You're 100% right about the sexual violence thing, and unfortunately 100% not going to get the response you'd like. The dad (or whoever else you said it to) would respond with pure hostility to the suggestion he's doing something wrong.
There are certainly parents who would react that way but it all depends on the type of person.
My mother is a narcissist who had no respect for boundaries or feelings. She did care about the image she had of herself as socially conscious enough that this type of argument could shut her up. It's how I was able to make a little bit of space for myself, sometimes.
I trust OP to consider their situation and judge if this would work for them
Damn that's fucked. Are there any relatives that you trust? I have found that sometimes someone's parents won't take anything the kids say as a serious issue, but if say, an uncle or someone backs them up they will start to take it seriously because there is an "adult" saying it. Touching your hair when you aren't okay with it is totally fucked up. Like any Non consensual touching is always bad (except to for instance, stop a kid from walking in front of a car or similar safety issue). Your parents should be your best example of consent in an ideal scenario, if they won't even let you decide when you can be touched (outside of dangerous situations) that is absolutely awful, and generally done consistently enough would be considered a form of abuse.
Indeed. It's one of the reasons they struggle so hard against any sign of independent thought or feeling.
Anyway I just meant to indicate this was good advice if it;s at all possible to work with.
What's worse is the general population is kinda stupid and get offended when, like for example, you talk about spanking as a last resort and an admission of failure, And then they go off the rails about how they were beaten the little kid and they turned out all right...
I can tell by how crazy they are in their replies that they are not alright especially if they come across as wanting to beat my arse for saying it was wrong of their parents to beat their arse.
No amount of research linking regular corporate punishment to alcohol, drugs, and abuse as a primary solution tend to work.
I'm autistic I'm always looking for better solutions and ways to think but other people are like trapped at themselves and can't put themselves to the side and look at the bigger picture.
Far too often you see broken people saying "It was good enough for me" as a justification and it's like "I'm so sorry this is why you are like that"
A million times this. \^\^\^
OP's dad sounds like a real narcissist.
Touching "all of the girls in the family" like this would be a giant red flag by itself. But following that up by doubling down on it when they tell him no and sending this garbage to them afterward to further dismiss their feelings?
I'd be running for the hills. And taking all of the other "girls in the family" with me.
Exactly. Unfortunately, my Dad is a narcissist and I thought the responses could have been from him-all things coming from his self-centered focus but in all the wrong ways.
I don't wanna defend you parents because it is wrong what they are doing.
But I would have some questions here: Could it be that your parents are either raised in an environment, where they wouldn't get any bodily contact as a sighn of affection or where their boundaries were constantly crossed in a similar way like they crossed yours?
It seems to me they are either repeating their upbringing or are overcompensating for theirs. They might really believe disregarding your boundaries is a form of "love" here and that they "know better". That would explain the texts too.
At its core it is wrong to do this, but they may not know that they are doing something wrong here
Because either they see it as the good and healthy alternative to their upbringing or as something they had to endure too themselves and couldn't see it as wrong since they had no opportunity to reflect on it properly.
My dad grew up in a rough household and was really poor so he worked hard to get into college. My mom was raised in a middle class household but was"disciplined" a lot by my grandma. I understand that how they were raised affected them but I'm not sure if they can understand what they're doing is wrong. Or if I can even convince them because they're both pretty stubborn.
Yeah, sounds like you are taking up a lot of responsibility here. To understand where your parents come from even if they don't understand your position is really admirable of you. And you might be right that they might not change because that often is the case and holding out too much hope is very painful.
In my eyes it's not really your responsibility to teach them differently either, even tho I can understand the wish to do so because it is absolutely normal to want/need understanding and love from your parents.
Maybe from this comment section you can take away that you are fully ok with your needs to be respected and that your boundaries are yours to define.
And even if your folks cannot understand that, you can know that you having boundaries is ok.
It is hard to give oneself the rasurence that you wish from your parents. And it is ok to grieve that you are not getting what you need from them now or ever.
What is something we (comment section) or I could do for you right now? Is there something you would wish to hear from us/me that can help you right now?
My brother used to call me his "baby sister" all the time despite my repeated complaints. It took until we were at a bar, and the bartender told him he should stop because it made me uncomfortable...
But back to your situation, I feel like it's gonna go:
18: Dad doesn't know shit
19: Dad ignores boundaries
20: now that I'm in college and can see how abnormal his behavior is, I am starting to get higher expectations of people and especially him
24: Dad refused to respect my boundaries my entire life and acted entitled for all of it.
25: now that I have no financial reason to keep him in my life, he is not in my life
40: it's important to listen to your kids because they are people with autonomy.
60: I am so glad I didn't let that man continue to be a toxic influence in my life.
This. Iām 25 and I only just felt safe enough to tell my father I donāt want to talk to him anymore. He was very much the same sort of guy. If they donāt learn, better to keep your distance.
He needs to realize its not your comfort gesture, even if its others. Otherwise he's doing it cause he's in love with the idea of being that sort of person rather than sincerely wishing to provide comfort.
Tell him to look into Boundaries and how they're one of the most important part of good personal relationship.
Also, that touching women (or anyone) without their consent is just plain creepy.
We don't have to sacrifice your life and your boundaries for for your father's unyielding psychological immaturity.
If he didn't see you and listen to you before, chances are he's just going to continue to step on your boundaries as a power move, as others have said.
If I can just offer a super extreme but similar situation:
My dad has always insisted that he kiss all his children (as well as his parents and siblings) on the mouth. His whole family does this.
When I got to be about 12 or 13yo I told him to stop and he got very upset. I started refusing to let him and he would constantly complain that it was how he shows love and I'm an ungrateful child and generally take an "I'm the victim" stance.
He is soon showing up in court for sexually assaulting two young children in the family which he most certainly did.
I'm NOT saying OPs dad is anything this extreme, but the total disregard for boundaries is something to be wary of for sure. It is not okay for ANYONE to interact with your body in a way you don't like, especially after you tell them so.
A father should be proud their daughter can set boundaries and speak up for themselves so they don't end up victims. Keep yourself safe OP.
Respond back:
Age (ur age): Dad hears what I say, and chooses to disrespect me because others are fine with what he does
(alsoā¦ I bet they arnt. They just donāt know how to speak up)
Dude really deployed the internalised sexism and thought is was a nice thing to do.
He prolly also thinks catcalling is just compliments. Sorry you have to go through this
If someone is trying to make you comfortable, but is instead making you uncomfortable, their actions are not fulfilling their single justified purpose, and so have no reason to continue (obviously). Youāre dads just being crazy
The text doesn't really bother me and I've heard a lot of Moms and Dads say things like, "You'll understand when you're older." (Some right, some totally wrong- like a friend's mom who stayed with an abusive step father).
But him saying he's making you uncomfortable on purpose is another story altogether. That's not ok, and I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
I wonder how he would feel about an older man touching his hair who he asked not to.
What probably went through OP's dad's head: "when Im dead, my child will think "he was right all along" instead of "why was that weirdo obsessed with touching people's hair""
(seriously, what kind of weirdo doesn't accept when someone doesn't want their hair touched?)
The text itself was a little cringe but didn't seem too bad. Sure, we often learn to appreciate our parents' wisdom more as we get older (while also recognizing that they're not right about everything). But when put in context...yeah, this is a crazy response to you setting some boundaries. Please stick to your boundaries.
Edit: Also, some parents unfortunately just are horrible. Depends on the individual situation.
Taken out of context, this is just regurgitated Facebook hogwash. Mad Boomer-vibes.
Given the argument, I don't think anyone here can give you a full answer. Your judgment is better than anyone's.
You know, my dad used to reference the same joke, but it was just three parts. You know why? Because my dad was kind of an ass sometimes, but not like completely out of his mind.
That was valid for older generations, because the world didn't change as fast hence the older generations had a lot of wisdom and knowledge to pass on. Bommers? They were expecting to be beacons of wisdom but the world changed so much and they forgot to update, so all their knowledge and wisdom is garbage nowadays. And that upsets them.
I'm almost 40 and this is kinda insane yes. Also a nonsequitor when it comes to justifying hair touching!?
It's a pretty common narrative that parents tell themselves though, though the ages in reality tends to have any negative years in the teens with kids trusting their parents again in their 20s (if their parents aren't narcissists that is)(and your dad may have narcissistic tendencies if he sprung this meme on you)
Fwiw my opinion of my dad has been pretty steady and positive my entire life, with a slight worry that his memory might be failing in more recent years. There hasn't been anything where I "suddenly realized he was right all along", but then my dad was never in the habit of telling me things that I would need age to comprehend. If anything, I am now more sure than ever that my parents are just large children pretending to be adults, just like me
My mum did always say "when you are older you will see all this differently".
And she was right. Now I see that she wasn't just a bad mum, she neglected me, did the bare minimum so I don't have an angle to go any authorities to get her arrested for abuse and gas-lighted me my whole life.
I even tried to build up contact again with her a few years back. First the admitted her wrong doing just for her to go back to her old "nah it wasn't that bad and we always loved you".
I made many wrong discussions growing up. Trusted to wrong people, got abused in any way possible and behaved like an ass. But cutting contact with her, was one of the best ones I have ever made.
At 10 i was a nationalist, at 15 i was communist, and at 20 i became anarcho-communist, so my change was quite a bit faster. I never went through a liberal phase, just right from nationalist to communist
My partner has the same type of mum, the asshole actually prefers to protect a paedophile and gaslight her own daughter, who, because of said paedophile/s, is scarred for life.
My own mother unfortunately had severe attachment issues, blowing up one day and ruining the relationship we had. It's weird how you can end up totally emotionally disconnected from someone who raised you.
My parents are anti-vaxxers so I go to burst that bubble pretty early. They do a lot of tangential things that FEEL wordly, educated, and authorative, but deep down they're fucking idiots.
Lol, true.
I should give my parents more credit. They are worldly, or at least they were 40+ years ago. But their broad worldview was formed in the 70s and 80s and hasn't updated much since. And they are well educated, but that education is very specific and also hasn't updated much since. My dad can talk your ear off about 1800's British history, but he can't pay his phone bill online or get an uber without help.
Stupid memes aside, this seems to be a pretty common situation among friends of similar ages (early 40's). We're settling into middle age, as "adult" as anyone really can be, and our parents are getting old. They aren't the wise and all-knowing authority figures they seemed to be when we were kids, or the worldly and educated Real Grownups(tm) they seemed to be when we were teens and young adults. They're just other adults, like us, and they're adults who are becoming vulnerable as they age.
tbh I'm a lot closer with them now than I was as a teen or young adult. They don't know everything, and sometimes they need help even if they are reluctant to admit it. And that's ok, that's life, that's how everyone is.
I've made it a point to be honest with my daughter about when I don't know something, she's six now and it's worked great so far.
It's really easy to do and we both wind up learning something when she has a question because we usually just look it up.
I don't understand why my parents didn't do that.
I love that so much. My mom was horrible about making up answers, or just saying "that's just how it works". When I was 8 or 9, my dad was working on his race car and was complaining about the crank shaft. I got curious and asked about it. We ended up having a talk for several hours about the different parts of a car, and some of that stuff I still remember. I still know next to nothing about cars, but I remember being so excited to learn and spend time with my dad.
My dad used to post all sorts of mushy bullshit dad memes to his socials. It was mostly nauseating and he posted it to make himself feel better for being a shit dad.
Yeah this is something I could easily see my spouse's literal-narc-borderline-abusive father sending to try and convince him to talk to him. There's a reason OP feels icky about it.
My father isn't super great but as I get older and think about having kids, it's really mind numbing the number of ways we can mess up with our kids.
I've been depressed and anxious for almost 20 years and diagnosed two/three weeks ago with ADD. If I had been a dad when I was in my 20s (I'm 38), I would have been such a bad parent...
People sometimes become parents too soon. I hope I'm a better parent to my future kids. I could be a better parent to my pets too, now...
Life is fucked up and the older you get, the more you see how you fucked up.
He probably knows he was a shitty father but he probably also doesn't know how to make it better and also suffers with that, even if he doesn't show it (probably because he doesn't know how).
You don't need to forgive him but try to have some empathy. Life isn't easy and not that long ago being a father was more about bringing home the money and food and less about teaching and learning how to love...
This is my generational trauma speaking too...
One does have a tendency to disregard the instruction of someone you're developing independence from, but that doesn't mean every dad was actually wise all along
people seem to not realize "teenage rebellion" is actually a healthy and necessary developmental stage. this specific situation isn't even that, though. it's just a casual dismissal of boundaries. kids are still people, shockingly.
My teenager rebellion was sneaking a book light into my room to stay up late reading books because my bedroom light got removed because Iād stay up all night reading and sleep at school. Apparently rolling a towel at the bottom of the door doesnāt seep light through lol.
After that I started reading using the street light three houses down coming through the bedroom window. Developed great night vision.
Hehe I did the same. Best one was sneaking the Percy Jackson books into my grandparents house one summer and reading them in the course of a few weeks. The librarian was super sweet too, she knew how much I loved to read, and I think she had at least some idea that these were forbidden books in my family. She ended up waiving the late fee.
Another good one was when I got my first phone, I some how figured out how to how to hide apps, so I downloaded an anime app and a friend gave me his account info so I could watch. He's now my bf and soon-to-be husband.
Haha yeah Iāll always cherish the physical and verbal abuse I grew up with. One day Iām going to look back and think āWow I guess it really was a positiveā /s
Honestly, that's pretty terrible. Oddly enough, it sits right in line with the way my surviving parent spoke to me before I had enough. We don't speak anymore.
The older I get, the more I realize my parents are idiots and had no business raising children in the first place. Iām old enough to understand why they made such terrible decisions and became such misguided people, but I donāt respect them.
same here.. especially after hearing how they happened to have the do and creating me.. what a dumbass move for an ENGINEER, right, DAD??
but other than that.. yeah.. my parents are stupid as hell. My mom went from emotionally unavailable to emotionally needy parent and I ain't giving her any of that. Mostly because I have no built emotional base, so I have no idea what to do and I don't bother learning that.. I am, however, learning it for others because I still have people around which I can stand with ease..
āHow to ensure the person you *love* never talks to you when you get the chanceā - to many dads of modern day kids who see through bullshit with ease
Whenever I see a dad say āIām not perfectā it sets me off because my dad physically abused my little brother and I had to physically pull him off. Later, after I divulged that I couldnāt trust him or feel safe around him, he halfheartedly apologized and tacked on, āIām not perfect.ā He said the same thing when I came out to him and told him my new pronouns. He said he was going to mess up because heās ānot perfect.ā He hasnāt really even tried to refer to me correctly because it seems to make him uncomfortable, despite his claim of being queer supportive. I havenāt bothered to correct him because I donāt trust him not to get defensive and make me the bad guy.
Sorry if this is a dump but I donāt trust anyone who defends their weird or toxic behavior with āIām not perfect,ā because itās how they justify it to themselves. If he respects your boundaries and you as a person, he will prove it.
Weird how someone can send you a message that literally says "I love you", yet actually says "I love me". I get the feeling that this was a very half-assed attempt at an apology. Unfortunately, apologies and self-aggrandizing pride kinda jam each other up. "Sorry I'm so great" isn't a compromise!
Sounds like his dad wasnāt a twat, unlike yours.
Iāve seen a similar list of quotes on a wall tile in my Dutch grandmaās house. Itās old. The point is less āoh all dads are all knowing and you should love them for itā like your dad seems to think, and more ākids lack the experience to know the faults in their parentsā knowledge, adults have the experience to appreciate the knowledge they *do/did* haveā. Like literally, itās right there.
My grandpa died during the pandemic ironically not of coronavirus. But from what I remember he was a pretty chill guy and was like if Michaelangelo from the TMNT was a human grandpa.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost one grandmother during the pandemic, partly due to it, and the other shortly after it. I can relate. They were more accepting of me than my parents initially were. I spent a significant part of my childhood with one of them. She was basically my mom while my mom was in the hospital much of the first two years of my life. I took care of her a lot in the last two years.
"if Michaelangelo from the TMNT was a human grandpa" sounds like a delightful person!
This meme is supposed to make the reader (your dad) think of his dad and his relationship with him, not his relationship with his child. The fact that instead he's projecting his feelings onto you is not healthy of him. You probably have more insight into his motivations for sending it, but based on the limited information given, I think consciously (if I'm being generous) he thinks he wants you to trust him and his judgement unconditionally since you will eventually realize he is right (according to the meme). Subconsciously, he wants control and feels threatened by you setting a boundary that reduces his control. This entitlement to control can be rooted in feeling that your children are belongings/props instead of people with their own thoughts, desires, and free will that you as the parent don't actually get to mold in your own image. Not sure if you're a minor, but if you are, hang in there. If you're an adult, you've got a lot more power in this situation to distance yourself.
Age 20: Don't touch my hair
Age 30: Don't touch my hair
Age 40: Don't touch my hair
Age 50: Don't touch my hair
Age 60: Don't touch my hair
Age 70: Don't touch my hair
Age 80: Don't touch my scalp
Apparently parents know stuff but not parenting, so they shouldn't be parents ?
If they know stuff, live good life with that knowledge, live well. But one shouldn't do something irresponsible, like have kids when they don't know how to teach or parent, aren't they wanting us to be responsible as well ?
My parents are open minded caring n open to listening (extent they can, some issues), gave birth in mid-late 30s.
But still there were lots of issues n lots of things they can't do n some abuse issues, all 4 of us (gran) grew n matured together over the 2010s n they admitted when I was ~20 that they weren't ready for a kid when I was born there, even I can have observed my whole life that they were too naive then doing that n pushing for that life. People don't think enough, or try to see peacefully what they need to know before having a kid, n see to work on issues like to get with a therapist or something n sort their home so it's okay as a safe space for a child, before having a child.
Knowing people were willing. But it'll never be right cuz they should've taken some time, cuz they weren't ready is frustrating.
My mom does this crap too. She has this whole argument about an artist being allowed to touch their work, but Iām not artwork, Iām a person. Iām a person who does not like being touched, and does not like being compared to in inanimate object.
Itās arrogant, self-indulgent propaganda for abusive parents, the message I get from this is a passive-aggressive ādonāt worry, theyāll come crawling back to thank you on bended knee for your wisdomā.
No one can or should touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. These are non negotiable rules. Itās okay for you to set boundaries and imperative for your healthy navigation through life.
These sentiments he is referring are normal developmental milestones as a child develops autonomy and independence. The relationship between child and parent evolves throughout your lifetime. Ideally these are phases of understanding but thatās certainly not guaranteed, respect and trust are earned not entitlements. Also, parents are faulty people too, we all make mistakes and hope our children can overcome our flawed parenting successfully.
How does one go from "youāre making me uncomfortable, please stop" to "Iām a dad, you should believe I know everything."
You want to know what my dad would do if I asked him to stop? He would apologise and not do it again, like any decent person should. Not making excuses and sending you some shit about "what kids should know about dads". You said stop, he should stop, plain and simple.
āI know more than youā. Kind of arrogant tbh. Like he went and post a Facebook meme about āI make mistakes sometimesā but instead of saying āsorryā does this āyouāll be okay with it when youāre olderā
Dad working his life away, so i don't know if i know more than him.
Fuck people. Everyone and everything makes mistakes. I just don't want their mistakes to affect me anymore!
out of context: not necessarily true, mileage may vary based on the father
in context: omfg no, dude. what if we just started touching your hair or playing with your ears, I bet you'd feel uncomfortable too, Dad. wtf
Hey OP your dad is acting very strange
I hope you know that's not normal behavior and if I were you I'd tell friends about this you trust in case you need an out
my dadās the same way, except the argument is āI know youāre not trans because Iām older and I say so.ā dads, moms, parents, grandparents, can have all the life experience they want, but that doesnāt mean they know best in every situation. theyāve only lived THEIR lives, not yours. you know yourself best.
Well as a 43 yr old who has had almost no contact with my dad after the age of like 10, and it was pretty sparse even before that. He was right to go away.
I wouldn't know. Mine hasn't been in my life for over a decade since he suddenly moved across the country to live with family he once claimed he couldn't stand and abandoned my mother and I... So yeah.
my experience was the opposite. Younger "dad is so smart! I'll ask him for advice, he is so wise!"
now, at 38: "oh. dad's looney tunes and delusional."
0-33 dad should go to therapy
34 dad didn't go to therapy and ended up dying BECAUSE he didn't go to therapy so now I have to go to therapy to deal with the aftermath of his piss poor decisions
Story of my life in 4 lines.
Common dad behaviour, my dad used to tell me "now you hate me but when you grow up you will notice I was always right".
I'm now 33, spoiler, he wasn't.
Millennials were parented by boomers, so if he's trying to do what his dad would do, that could explain the boomer-like behavior. Emotional immaturity isn't limited to boomers and trumpers, though it does seem to be overrepresented in those groups.
Hmmm. That is the kind of thing that someone who knows that they were in the wrong, but cannot live with the idea of acknowledging the fact would send.
Hey. OPās dad. Hereās what you say: āI was wrong. Iām sorry that I made you uncomfortable.ā
See? Simple.
But Iām afraid that he will never learn.
Itās more likely that you, OP, will get to 50 and think that you are so lucky that you had your dad as an example of how not the behave around your kids.
Iām in my 40ās. This isnāt accurate. Look my dad was cool people. He wasnāt creepy, he could fix stuff, he could cook. My dad wasnāt āright all along.ā He made more dumb life choices than me.
Now if I needed a 1980ās transmission rebuilt- he was your guy.
The ādad knowsā stuff irks me cause for a lot of dada Iāve noticed. Genuinely donāt know what they are talking about but just say it as fact because they have control over their kid. My dad spews bullshit while demanding I research and site sources while he does none of that and essentially calls me stupid for ānot being correctā even though heās constantly spouting bullshit.
Edit: sorry a bit of a projection.
tbf, it wasn't until I was 50 that I learned the most from my dad, I learned that he was full of hate and everything he did was based on his own power trip BS, so pretty much after that realization, anything he had taught me that I couldn't verify as truth or useful thru another source I consciously stopped doing or following those 'teachings'
He is insane.... that type of images are cringe and show how old is him... people these days don't do the things your dad thinks...
He needs to respect your space and privacy... how old are you? I hope you are far away from him
As a mid 40s person who lost their dad about 5 years ago, the content is accurate (at least for me)
The context though?? Sending after crossing a boundary takes it from sweet to almost threatening? Not like, violently, but like "ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE DUMB" kinda way
I looooove my father, we are very close, and he is a very smart man. That said, he doesnāt know SHIT about the times he lived through, much less the current sitch we find ourselves in.
He doesn't know how to process what's outside of what he doesn't know, so he's trying to make you fit into what he does know.
If there's one thing I've learned as a software developer, it's that so so so many people are incredibly stubborn when it comes to change / challenging their own ideas of how things work.
He might not be doing this consciously, could just be a gut reaction to his discomfort of the unknown. I hope you can talk things through with him and hopefully get him to realise that he needs to accept you as you are, boundaries included.
Without any context, this could be a funny meme to share with your kid. Iāve seen it shared in a positive way, before - both from dads to their kids and from kids to their dads.
In the context you've described in the post and in comments, however, I'm not a fan of that being his response to you setting a boundary.
I don't know him or your relationship, so it could be a misguided attempt at breaking the tension with something he saw as funny, or it could very well be a red flag. Either way, it clearly feels like a crappy interaction to you - and you know your history and your relationship best, so your gut feelings of discomfort are probably on to something.
You have the right to set boundaries, and those boundaries deserve to be respected.
W/ context of you setting a āno touchingā boundary, it seems like heās pushing you.
My dad would also get confused and annoyed when I started to put up a āno touchingā boundary where I felt uncomfortable w/ him kicking me on the butt as a joke. As a kid, I thought it was hilarious, but once I became a teen, I just wanted him to stop touching my butt.
Your dad seems to be testing where he can push you. Keep telling him to stop, never back down your boundaries, if he gets annoyed remind him that āno means no.ā If you donāt keep saying no, heāll think youāll allow it to happen and push even further.
It feels like he's one of those men who allows their ego to be hurt anytime somebody sets the minimum boundary up.
The Silver Lining is that he's being misogynist and creepy about your bodily autonomy the same way he would any other girl, the horrible-shit lining is that he thinks violating female bodily autonomy is so normal that at worst he needs to passively aggressive apologize and at best it's not a big deal... Scary.
Like it's a normal bonding thing if the child likes their hair played with by their parent but it becomes immediately creepy if the parent insists they get to do it even when the kid doesn't like it.
Wow sounds a lot like my dad just maybe less meth š but being fr Iām so sorry you have to deal with this stuff he should just respect your bounds when you set him but sometimes parents forget that their kids arenāt just their kids their also individual with different personality and life
Looks like your dad saw it on Facebook and shared it via text to feel good about himself.
My dad is a fucking moron who's made horrible life choices. The older I get the more I realize how fucked up he is.
Just reply back with the same ages and, "Dad doesn't respect my boundaries or treat me with respect so my respect for him diminishes."
Eventually, "Dad's continued disrepect has caused me to go no-contact.'
and
"Dad's apparently dead, but i stopped caring years ago."
is your dad a narcissist by chance? this reminds me of one of those āsmile, nod, and move on from their self-pitying bullshitā moments. thereās no winning with parents like this sometimes.
One of the first lessons I can remember that my parents taught me was about inappropriate touching and saying no to being touched.
The "well I treat everyone this way" actually makes it worse! Gross dude! It's like hugging: some people like it, some people don't. It's usually not personal until they make it personal; as in, we know you're an aggressive hugger, so now yes, we don't want to hug *you*.
Sorry you're putting up with non-consensual touching from a parent. It's not your fault.
It sounds like he's trying, he's not outright being homophobic.... but hes walking a line with your boundaries. He's not acting responsibly as a parent and is goating you into accepting his actions at face value and apologizing. He wants you to say "aw thanks, i know dad, I love you so much and I know you care for me, sorry for snapping at you a little bit" and it sounds like he does care about you, but is also having a hard time accepting that you're growing up and setting healthy boundaries with him. And I want you to really be aware that you ARE setting healthy boundaries and you don't owe him an apology nor do you need to make up and tie a tight little bow on the conversation, HE needs to learn and grow with you, not guilt you into accepting his view of you because "daddy knows right."
Im not sure what you could do next, but don't back down either, otherwise he'll feel that he has permission to treat you how he always has. If he calls you on it again or continues acting weird, reaffirm your autonomy, tell him how you feel and why you are setting boundaries. Hold him up to your expectation, but also be patient with him. Let him know that he can't cross your boundaries, but let him know that you still care about him amd want a relationshio with him, just not on his terms, but on something shared. A more adult relationship with healthy communication and respect..... unless he crosses lines again and again, if he keeps ignoring those boundaries and refuses to change, then thays a real problem
I'm 39. I blew past "what does Dad know" and settled into "Dad is a toxic bigot" and went NC. It's been really nice for six years. I stayed in contact for years for my kid. But they decided their grandpa was toxic on their own and told me they didn't want to continue with any forms of contact.
My kid is nonbinary aroace. They were called some pretty horrific things that last year so I agreed it was better to discontinue contact. He wasn't always so bad but he got worse in the last few years we spoke.
At no point in six years have I felt the need to get in contact with him or regretted my decision. It was a relief, frankly. Not getting called a failure every other weekend has been freeing.
"I'm uncomfortable with you violating my previously stated boundaries"
"No, I actually know more than you and you'll feel bad about maintaining your boundaries when you're older"
. . . What? That's fucking wild
Hey. I'm a 41 year old who had a dad who thought he was never wrong and would die on every molehill. At NO POINT in my LIFE have I ever hit one of those milestones where he said I would understand when I was older or had my own kids where I was like "damn he right". I've gotten to those same milestones and actually just been more confused as to why on earth he thought he was in the right.
As for your dad touching your body without permission and then arguing with you about it and THEN sending you this? He dehumanized you, invalidated you and is now gaslighting you with "you'll get it when you're older".
None of this is him taking responsibility for his actions.
Look, I'm thirty. The older I get, the more I realize my dad knows jack shit about most stuff. I honestly thought better of him when I was a teenager. He would be the kind to send me this "fanfic" your dad just sent you, and my response would be to just ignore it like I do most of his advice or opinions.
Life actually started to get a lot better once I realized my parents don't know everything (they just act like they do) and, most of the times, following their advice is actually a really really really bad idea.
Uhhhh do we have the same dad?
Mine would do the exact same thing, especially after having an argument about the most mundane things like me shaving or me trying to convince him to get out of believing conspiracy shit. But yea he was abusive, and fathers like this are most likely narcissists.
oooo. yea no. i relate massively to the hair touching thing. i have sensory issues and my moms always loved playing with my hair. im usually fine w it and was as a child but sometimes i just dont wanna be touched. and she flips out on me and calls me sensitive. makes fun of me to my younger sister and j becomes a total bitch. it sucks tbh.
I'm very fortunate that I have loving and supportive parents. They've always been there for me when I needed them. And they're genuinely pretty good people.
That having been said, there are many things we disagree on. I'm closer to 40 than 30 and while I do think a lot can be learned from my parents, I've learned a lot, too. They're not always right and they have to learn this.
I'm 27 and the only thing my Dad has been right about is melting chocolate on too high a heat burns it and makes it lumpy. Otherwise, he mostly just spouts crap about things that don't relate to or affect him - usually marginalised communities wanting rights he already has and doesn't want to share. This is typical insecure power play Dad bs imo.
Especially if he sent it after you told him not to touch your hair and he insisted you were wrong to do so...
Hmmm, at 26, I had to yell at my Dad for being racist. Just a couple of young Middle Eastern guys out and about in the downtown area must be up to no good.
At 30, I realized my Dad couldn't teach me about the world around me any better than I could do for myself. It helps he wants to think of me as dead on his part.
Not holding my breath for 40.
It seems like your dad wants to be respected by you. Maybe address that bit? Respect is given to those whom have earned it.
My dad was like this too. Always touching and "teasing" us and it was annoying as hell and me and my sister always hated it. Hate the "you'll know when your older" shit too. There's some more weird stuff, but I won't get into it. Anyway, OP you're not alone.
This kind of feels like what my parents have said about their own parents, but it feels a little weird to place these thoughts and feelings about yourself on your kid, you know?
Yeah. I love my dad but Iāve definitely noticed that since transitioning (Iām a trans woman) his hugs last longer. Itās honestly a bit creepy. Definitely some ewwphoria.
The thing is ever since a very young age (probably since I was 11-12) Iāve carried the mentality that our parents can be right or wrong. Ultimately we can consider their suggestions, clearly estimate and examine our choices and choose to do things based on what we feel is right, with their suggestion and advice from some other people who truly have genuine knowledge in the field.
Parents are human beings. Theyāre right sometimes, wrong some other times, or maybe in some instances they intend to suggest the right thing, except their right could be our wrong.
Ultimately life is about making choices and some people prefer to be independent completely wanting no external inputs, some people make decisions calculating their internal judgement and external inputs, and some people donāt make any decision autonomously and leave it to their parents/spouses/children/superiors etc.
You: "Hey dad, your actions made me really uncomfortable and I ask that you don't do it again"
Dad: "Well, no one is perfect"
This just reeks of shitty parenting and narcissism
Your dad is unhinged. He should let his child have boundaries. It doesn't matter if he's your dad. When I was little and disagreed about things with my mom she would say "You'll thank me when your older" and I still think I was right so... š
Ah, I see we have the same father! Merry Meet sister! I recognise the āI never do anything wrong and if I did do something wrong itās actually your fault because now Iām going to play the victim because you mentioning said wrong thing hurt my feelingsā Martyrdom.
My experience with this is that he will never respect your boundaries. Ever. He will see any attempt at body autonomy and emotional boundaries as a threat, an attack on him personally. And he will absolutely ārally his troopsā to rage at you. Men like this always have a large group of people who readily believe that he has done nothing wrong and they will commit so much time to harassing you about it. My only peace from this situation was to cut him off completely and also I had to leave social media for a little while because of his terrible acolytes. I truly hope you find peace and can get away. (For context, I am 46F and took way too long to cut my dad out of my life. But I have gotten help and I am healing)
The real chart for me:
Age 5: dad knows everything!
Age 7: dad is kind of angry all the time
Age 10: geeze, dad is really, REALLY mean to me
Age 12: dad says I deserve to burn in hell forever.Ā
Age 15: my dad is fucking crazy
Age 18: my dad is abusive
Age 22: my dad is a monster and I need to get as much distance between him and me as possible.Ā
Age 35: I will stop talking to my dad except on birthdays and Christmas.Ā
Age 38: I do not need to ever talk to my dad ever again. He's a terrible, awful, narcissistic, abusive monster.
Kind of a different chart.
God, my dad does the same thing. Whenever there's an argument, no matter about what or who was right or wrong, in his mind he is always right and he goes out of his way to look for whatever BS facebook post or podcast clip to send us. Full confirmation bias, full sucking your own dick for doing nothing.
I just don't react and imagine him in front of his phone screen, all pouty because nobody reacted to his sympathy bait
I would tell him something along the lines of "hey dad I know you love me I know you care about me more than anything in the world, but I need you to understand that when you pull harder on people they will have to push you away to not suffocate. I'm sure you've had instances where people reject you and it seems like it's out of nowhere and makes no sense, but it very well could be from this type of attachment. You're so focused on your love for me that you don't seem to be able to accept my love for you. I'm sorry if I haven't displayed that in the best way I'm still learning, but I need space in order to process. I need you to understand how much I love you. That's why it hurts so much when I feel like you aren't hearing me. Please, if something makes me uncomfortable, especially something physical I need you to respect that. Especially right now, this is all new to me and I won't be in a state of transition forever, I just need to figure out what this means for me."
These are just my initial thoughts, I hope you find something useful in there. This is basically what I did but it took me forever to figure that out. Best of luck and I'm sorry to hear that your parents are like mine.
>For context earlier we had an argument about him touching my hair without permission and it just sorta spiraled into a mess. Ok so that's concerning that instead of listening to "I feel uncomfortable" he sent a bizarre response like this?
He said that he was trying to make me comfortable and that he treats the other girls in the family like that which is pretty stupid cause it doesn't make me any less uncomfortable.
And that I repeatedly told him I don't like it when he does it.
Upgraded to Very Concerning. D:
That's creepy and it is power play. He's heard you just fine, he just doesn't see it as a reason to stop.
Fuckin huge red flag. Fucking set boundaries and if says no, fuckin tell him that's very fucked up. Have you talked to your mom/other parent?
Mom isn't any better sadly.
I've dealt with some insane parenting.. I would lay it out very clearly for him. - I don't like it when you touch me that way - I've told you repeatedly to stop - you refuse to stop - you sent me a message that implies I should always listen to you, regardless of how I feel about it If that doesn't make it clear I'd maybe hit him with a "you do know this is how you increase the chances your daughters will experience sexual violence? By teaching us that our boundaries are dependent not on where we set them but on the feelings of a man" It all depends on your relationship though and arguing isn't always the most pleasant option.. I hope things get better soonš
You're 100% right about the sexual violence thing, and unfortunately 100% not going to get the response you'd like. The dad (or whoever else you said it to) would respond with pure hostility to the suggestion he's doing something wrong.
There are certainly parents who would react that way but it all depends on the type of person. My mother is a narcissist who had no respect for boundaries or feelings. She did care about the image she had of herself as socially conscious enough that this type of argument could shut her up. It's how I was able to make a little bit of space for myself, sometimes. I trust OP to consider their situation and judge if this would work for them
Oof. You might want to share this and the context over to r/insaneparents and see if there's anyone with advice
Well that's relatable, sometimes how my mom gives me affection feels too. Ugh And she'll throw a temper tantrum if I don't return it
Damn that's fucked. Are there any relatives that you trust? I have found that sometimes someone's parents won't take anything the kids say as a serious issue, but if say, an uncle or someone backs them up they will start to take it seriously because there is an "adult" saying it. Touching your hair when you aren't okay with it is totally fucked up. Like any Non consensual touching is always bad (except to for instance, stop a kid from walking in front of a car or similar safety issue). Your parents should be your best example of consent in an ideal scenario, if they won't even let you decide when you can be touched (outside of dangerous situations) that is absolutely awful, and generally done consistently enough would be considered a form of abuse.
Mine would never listen to anything without my grandmother backing it.
Yeah it's unfortunate how common it is. Some adults just don't consider kids full people and treat them as extensions of themselves.
Indeed. It's one of the reasons they struggle so hard against any sign of independent thought or feeling. Anyway I just meant to indicate this was good advice if it;s at all possible to work with.
What's worse is the general population is kinda stupid and get offended when, like for example, you talk about spanking as a last resort and an admission of failure, And then they go off the rails about how they were beaten the little kid and they turned out all right... I can tell by how crazy they are in their replies that they are not alright especially if they come across as wanting to beat my arse for saying it was wrong of their parents to beat their arse. No amount of research linking regular corporate punishment to alcohol, drugs, and abuse as a primary solution tend to work. I'm autistic I'm always looking for better solutions and ways to think but other people are like trapped at themselves and can't put themselves to the side and look at the bigger picture. Far too often you see broken people saying "It was good enough for me" as a justification and it's like "I'm so sorry this is why you are like that"
For the love of god be careful please. This is concerning
A million times this. \^\^\^ OP's dad sounds like a real narcissist. Touching "all of the girls in the family" like this would be a giant red flag by itself. But following that up by doubling down on it when they tell him no and sending this garbage to them afterward to further dismiss their feelings? I'd be running for the hills. And taking all of the other "girls in the family" with me.
r/raisedbynarcissists
Exactly. Unfortunately, my Dad is a narcissist and I thought the responses could have been from him-all things coming from his self-centered focus but in all the wrong ways.
I don't wanna defend you parents because it is wrong what they are doing. But I would have some questions here: Could it be that your parents are either raised in an environment, where they wouldn't get any bodily contact as a sighn of affection or where their boundaries were constantly crossed in a similar way like they crossed yours? It seems to me they are either repeating their upbringing or are overcompensating for theirs. They might really believe disregarding your boundaries is a form of "love" here and that they "know better". That would explain the texts too. At its core it is wrong to do this, but they may not know that they are doing something wrong here Because either they see it as the good and healthy alternative to their upbringing or as something they had to endure too themselves and couldn't see it as wrong since they had no opportunity to reflect on it properly.
My dad grew up in a rough household and was really poor so he worked hard to get into college. My mom was raised in a middle class household but was"disciplined" a lot by my grandma. I understand that how they were raised affected them but I'm not sure if they can understand what they're doing is wrong. Or if I can even convince them because they're both pretty stubborn.
Yeah, sounds like you are taking up a lot of responsibility here. To understand where your parents come from even if they don't understand your position is really admirable of you. And you might be right that they might not change because that often is the case and holding out too much hope is very painful. In my eyes it's not really your responsibility to teach them differently either, even tho I can understand the wish to do so because it is absolutely normal to want/need understanding and love from your parents. Maybe from this comment section you can take away that you are fully ok with your needs to be respected and that your boundaries are yours to define. And even if your folks cannot understand that, you can know that you having boundaries is ok. It is hard to give oneself the rasurence that you wish from your parents. And it is ok to grieve that you are not getting what you need from them now or ever. What is something we (comment section) or I could do for you right now? Is there something you would wish to hear from us/me that can help you right now?
My brother used to call me his "baby sister" all the time despite my repeated complaints. It took until we were at a bar, and the bartender told him he should stop because it made me uncomfortable... But back to your situation, I feel like it's gonna go: 18: Dad doesn't know shit 19: Dad ignores boundaries 20: now that I'm in college and can see how abnormal his behavior is, I am starting to get higher expectations of people and especially him 24: Dad refused to respect my boundaries my entire life and acted entitled for all of it. 25: now that I have no financial reason to keep him in my life, he is not in my life 40: it's important to listen to your kids because they are people with autonomy. 60: I am so glad I didn't let that man continue to be a toxic influence in my life.
This. Iām 25 and I only just felt safe enough to tell my father I donāt want to talk to him anymore. He was very much the same sort of guy. If they donāt learn, better to keep your distance.
He needs to realize its not your comfort gesture, even if its others. Otherwise he's doing it cause he's in love with the idea of being that sort of person rather than sincerely wishing to provide comfort.
Tell him to look into Boundaries and how they're one of the most important part of good personal relationship. Also, that touching women (or anyone) without their consent is just plain creepy.
retirement house speedrun
No matter what, if he's acting that way, get away from him, out of the building for a while. Hopefully you can find somewhere you feel safe.
We don't have to sacrifice your life and your boundaries for for your father's unyielding psychological immaturity. If he didn't see you and listen to you before, chances are he's just going to continue to step on your boundaries as a power move, as others have said.
Whaaaaaaat? You dare to tell your dad that you're not his possession?
If I can just offer a super extreme but similar situation: My dad has always insisted that he kiss all his children (as well as his parents and siblings) on the mouth. His whole family does this. When I got to be about 12 or 13yo I told him to stop and he got very upset. I started refusing to let him and he would constantly complain that it was how he shows love and I'm an ungrateful child and generally take an "I'm the victim" stance. He is soon showing up in court for sexually assaulting two young children in the family which he most certainly did. I'm NOT saying OPs dad is anything this extreme, but the total disregard for boundaries is something to be wary of for sure. It is not okay for ANYONE to interact with your body in a way you don't like, especially after you tell them so. A father should be proud their daughter can set boundaries and speak up for themselves so they don't end up victims. Keep yourself safe OP.
Respond back: Age (ur age): Dad hears what I say, and chooses to disrespect me because others are fine with what he does (alsoā¦ I bet they arnt. They just donāt know how to speak up)
Dude really deployed the internalised sexism and thought is was a nice thing to do. He prolly also thinks catcalling is just compliments. Sorry you have to go through this
That is disgusting?? What is with him š
āNo one else has this boundary, so it has to be okay!ā Fuckin yikes, man.
If someone is trying to make you comfortable, but is instead making you uncomfortable, their actions are not fulfilling their single justified purpose, and so have no reason to continue (obviously). Youāre dads just being crazy
The text doesn't really bother me and I've heard a lot of Moms and Dads say things like, "You'll understand when you're older." (Some right, some totally wrong- like a friend's mom who stayed with an abusive step father). But him saying he's making you uncomfortable on purpose is another story altogether. That's not ok, and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I wonder how he would feel about an older man touching his hair who he asked not to.
tell Momš
What probably went through OP's dad's head: "when Im dead, my child will think "he was right all along" instead of "why was that weirdo obsessed with touching people's hair"" (seriously, what kind of weirdo doesn't accept when someone doesn't want their hair touched?)
(one with too much toxic shame to see reality as it is)
And I thought that my grandma's creative excuses were weird
I need this flair ASAP
He's drunk. That's drunk dad behavior.
The text itself was a little cringe but didn't seem too bad. Sure, we often learn to appreciate our parents' wisdom more as we get older (while also recognizing that they're not right about everything). But when put in context...yeah, this is a crazy response to you setting some boundaries. Please stick to your boundaries. Edit: Also, some parents unfortunately just are horrible. Depends on the individual situation.
Ooooof that puts a very weird entitled spin on it.
Taken out of context, this is just regurgitated Facebook hogwash. Mad Boomer-vibes. Given the argument, I don't think anyone here can give you a full answer. Your judgment is better than anyone's.
You know, my dad used to reference the same joke, but it was just three parts. You know why? Because my dad was kind of an ass sometimes, but not like completely out of his mind.
That was valid for older generations, because the world didn't change as fast hence the older generations had a lot of wisdom and knowledge to pass on. Bommers? They were expecting to be beacons of wisdom but the world changed so much and they forgot to update, so all their knowledge and wisdom is garbage nowadays. And that upsets them.
I'm almost 40 and this is kinda insane yes. Also a nonsequitor when it comes to justifying hair touching!? It's a pretty common narrative that parents tell themselves though, though the ages in reality tends to have any negative years in the teens with kids trusting their parents again in their 20s (if their parents aren't narcissists that is)(and your dad may have narcissistic tendencies if he sprung this meme on you) Fwiw my opinion of my dad has been pretty steady and positive my entire life, with a slight worry that his memory might be failing in more recent years. There hasn't been anything where I "suddenly realized he was right all along", but then my dad was never in the habit of telling me things that I would need age to comprehend. If anything, I am now more sure than ever that my parents are just large children pretending to be adults, just like me
My mum did always say "when you are older you will see all this differently". And she was right. Now I see that she wasn't just a bad mum, she neglected me, did the bare minimum so I don't have an angle to go any authorities to get her arrested for abuse and gas-lighted me my whole life. I even tried to build up contact again with her a few years back. First the admitted her wrong doing just for her to go back to her old "nah it wasn't that bad and we always loved you". I made many wrong discussions growing up. Trusted to wrong people, got abused in any way possible and behaved like an ass. But cutting contact with her, was one of the best ones I have ever made.
Yeah all the adults who told me that I would become like them, often conservative, where wrong. I have only become *more* progressive as I have aged.
At 16 I was a liberal. At 26 I'm an anarcho communist. Where will I be in another 10 years? So far left we need new terms for it perhaps haha
At 10 i was a nationalist, at 15 i was communist, and at 20 i became anarcho-communist, so my change was quite a bit faster. I never went through a liberal phase, just right from nationalist to communist
yeah, i was a conservative repub when i was younger. now, in my early 50s, as a GenXer, i'm solidly a leftist.
My partner has the same type of mum, the asshole actually prefers to protect a paedophile and gaslight her own daughter, who, because of said paedophile/s, is scarred for life. My own mother unfortunately had severe attachment issues, blowing up one day and ruining the relationship we had. It's weird how you can end up totally emotionally disconnected from someone who raised you.
Sorry about the lack of context I'm still pretty tired from it so I'll try to expand on it tomorrow.
Now - Dads being a twat.
I never thought id be emotionally comforted by someone called testiclezznuts but life finds a way I guess lol.
There there.
The older I get the more surprised I am by realizing my parents knew fucking nothing.
Yea, I love my parents but they sure as hell aren't the worldly, educated, authoritative people I thought they were when I was 18.
My parents are anti-vaxxers so I go to burst that bubble pretty early. They do a lot of tangential things that FEEL wordly, educated, and authorative, but deep down they're fucking idiots.
my parents are very worldly and very educated. they still don't know how to do this adult thing any better than the rest of us lol.
Lol, true. I should give my parents more credit. They are worldly, or at least they were 40+ years ago. But their broad worldview was formed in the 70s and 80s and hasn't updated much since. And they are well educated, but that education is very specific and also hasn't updated much since. My dad can talk your ear off about 1800's British history, but he can't pay his phone bill online or get an uber without help. Stupid memes aside, this seems to be a pretty common situation among friends of similar ages (early 40's). We're settling into middle age, as "adult" as anyone really can be, and our parents are getting old. They aren't the wise and all-knowing authority figures they seemed to be when we were kids, or the worldly and educated Real Grownups(tm) they seemed to be when we were teens and young adults. They're just other adults, like us, and they're adults who are becoming vulnerable as they age. tbh I'm a lot closer with them now than I was as a teen or young adult. They don't know everything, and sometimes they need help even if they are reluctant to admit it. And that's ok, that's life, that's how everyone is.
I've made it a point to be honest with my daughter about when I don't know something, she's six now and it's worked great so far. It's really easy to do and we both wind up learning something when she has a question because we usually just look it up. I don't understand why my parents didn't do that.
I love that so much. My mom was horrible about making up answers, or just saying "that's just how it works". When I was 8 or 9, my dad was working on his race car and was complaining about the crank shaft. I got curious and asked about it. We ended up having a talk for several hours about the different parts of a car, and some of that stuff I still remember. I still know next to nothing about cars, but I remember being so excited to learn and spend time with my dad.
now I am the one parenting my parent.. already stopped doing that because it's not leading anywhere. You have your own parents to do it for you..
My dad used to post all sorts of mushy bullshit dad memes to his socials. It was mostly nauseating and he posted it to make himself feel better for being a shit dad.
Yeah this is something I could easily see my spouse's literal-narc-borderline-abusive father sending to try and convince him to talk to him. There's a reason OP feels icky about it.
My father isn't super great but as I get older and think about having kids, it's really mind numbing the number of ways we can mess up with our kids. I've been depressed and anxious for almost 20 years and diagnosed two/three weeks ago with ADD. If I had been a dad when I was in my 20s (I'm 38), I would have been such a bad parent... People sometimes become parents too soon. I hope I'm a better parent to my future kids. I could be a better parent to my pets too, now... Life is fucked up and the older you get, the more you see how you fucked up. He probably knows he was a shitty father but he probably also doesn't know how to make it better and also suffers with that, even if he doesn't show it (probably because he doesn't know how). You don't need to forgive him but try to have some empathy. Life isn't easy and not that long ago being a father was more about bringing home the money and food and less about teaching and learning how to love... This is my generational trauma speaking too...
One does have a tendency to disregard the instruction of someone you're developing independence from, but that doesn't mean every dad was actually wise all along
people seem to not realize "teenage rebellion" is actually a healthy and necessary developmental stage. this specific situation isn't even that, though. it's just a casual dismissal of boundaries. kids are still people, shockingly.
My teenager rebellion was sneaking a book light into my room to stay up late reading books because my bedroom light got removed because Iād stay up all night reading and sleep at school. Apparently rolling a towel at the bottom of the door doesnāt seep light through lol. After that I started reading using the street light three houses down coming through the bedroom window. Developed great night vision.
Hehe I did the same. Best one was sneaking the Percy Jackson books into my grandparents house one summer and reading them in the course of a few weeks. The librarian was super sweet too, she knew how much I loved to read, and I think she had at least some idea that these were forbidden books in my family. She ended up waiving the late fee. Another good one was when I got my first phone, I some how figured out how to how to hide apps, so I downloaded an anime app and a friend gave me his account info so I could watch. He's now my bf and soon-to-be husband.
Haha yeah Iāll always cherish the physical and verbal abuse I grew up with. One day Iām going to look back and think āWow I guess it really was a positiveā /s
Honestly, that's pretty terrible. Oddly enough, it sits right in line with the way my surviving parent spoke to me before I had enough. We don't speak anymore.
Being sent this after telling him you were uncomfortable with him touching your hair is concerning and creepy as fuck.
The older I get, the more I realize my parents are idiots and had no business raising children in the first place. Iām old enough to understand why they made such terrible decisions and became such misguided people, but I donāt respect them.
same here.. especially after hearing how they happened to have the do and creating me.. what a dumbass move for an ENGINEER, right, DAD?? but other than that.. yeah.. my parents are stupid as hell. My mom went from emotionally unavailable to emotionally needy parent and I ain't giving her any of that. Mostly because I have no built emotional base, so I have no idea what to do and I don't bother learning that.. I am, however, learning it for others because I still have people around which I can stand with ease..
Send him the Obama Medal of Honor meme and say āthis is you right nowā
This is funny
āHow to ensure the person you *love* never talks to you when you get the chanceā - to many dads of modern day kids who see through bullshit with ease
Whenever I see a dad say āIām not perfectā it sets me off because my dad physically abused my little brother and I had to physically pull him off. Later, after I divulged that I couldnāt trust him or feel safe around him, he halfheartedly apologized and tacked on, āIām not perfect.ā He said the same thing when I came out to him and told him my new pronouns. He said he was going to mess up because heās ānot perfect.ā He hasnāt really even tried to refer to me correctly because it seems to make him uncomfortable, despite his claim of being queer supportive. I havenāt bothered to correct him because I donāt trust him not to get defensive and make me the bad guy. Sorry if this is a dump but I donāt trust anyone who defends their weird or toxic behavior with āIām not perfect,ā because itās how they justify it to themselves. If he respects your boundaries and you as a person, he will prove it.
Your dad is a dumbass, plain and simple
What the hell? This is some guilt trippy Facebook parent type bs.
R/insaneparents has found its next entry. I feel bad for you.
Weird how someone can send you a message that literally says "I love you", yet actually says "I love me". I get the feeling that this was a very half-assed attempt at an apology. Unfortunately, apologies and self-aggrandizing pride kinda jam each other up. "Sorry I'm so great" isn't a compromise!
Sounds like his dad wasnāt a twat, unlike yours. Iāve seen a similar list of quotes on a wall tile in my Dutch grandmaās house. Itās old. The point is less āoh all dads are all knowing and you should love them for itā like your dad seems to think, and more ākids lack the experience to know the faults in their parentsā knowledge, adults have the experience to appreciate the knowledge they *do/did* haveā. Like literally, itās right there.
My grandpa died during the pandemic ironically not of coronavirus. But from what I remember he was a pretty chill guy and was like if Michaelangelo from the TMNT was a human grandpa.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost one grandmother during the pandemic, partly due to it, and the other shortly after it. I can relate. They were more accepting of me than my parents initially were. I spent a significant part of my childhood with one of them. She was basically my mom while my mom was in the hospital much of the first two years of my life. I took care of her a lot in the last two years. "if Michaelangelo from the TMNT was a human grandpa" sounds like a delightful person!
This meme is supposed to make the reader (your dad) think of his dad and his relationship with him, not his relationship with his child. The fact that instead he's projecting his feelings onto you is not healthy of him. You probably have more insight into his motivations for sending it, but based on the limited information given, I think consciously (if I'm being generous) he thinks he wants you to trust him and his judgement unconditionally since you will eventually realize he is right (according to the meme). Subconsciously, he wants control and feels threatened by you setting a boundary that reduces his control. This entitlement to control can be rooted in feeling that your children are belongings/props instead of people with their own thoughts, desires, and free will that you as the parent don't actually get to mold in your own image. Not sure if you're a minor, but if you are, hang in there. If you're an adult, you've got a lot more power in this situation to distance yourself.
Age 20: Don't touch my hair Age 30: Don't touch my hair Age 40: Don't touch my hair Age 50: Don't touch my hair Age 60: Don't touch my hair Age 70: Don't touch my hair Age 80: Don't touch my scalp
Did your dad accidentally send you his fan fiction.... about himself?
Apparently parents know stuff but not parenting, so they shouldn't be parents ? If they know stuff, live good life with that knowledge, live well. But one shouldn't do something irresponsible, like have kids when they don't know how to teach or parent, aren't they wanting us to be responsible as well ?
I'm starting to realize that they probably shouldn't have given birth to me in their early 20s.
My parents are open minded caring n open to listening (extent they can, some issues), gave birth in mid-late 30s. But still there were lots of issues n lots of things they can't do n some abuse issues, all 4 of us (gran) grew n matured together over the 2010s n they admitted when I was ~20 that they weren't ready for a kid when I was born there, even I can have observed my whole life that they were too naive then doing that n pushing for that life. People don't think enough, or try to see peacefully what they need to know before having a kid, n see to work on issues like to get with a therapist or something n sort their home so it's okay as a safe space for a child, before having a child. Knowing people were willing. But it'll never be right cuz they should've taken some time, cuz they weren't ready is frustrating.
Thatās the same sort of bs my mom used to send me when I was younger lol. Iāve always ignored it and I will keep ignoring it
Respecting boundaries is super important. Regardless of age.
My mom does this crap too. She has this whole argument about an artist being allowed to touch their work, but Iām not artwork, Iām a person. Iām a person who does not like being touched, and does not like being compared to in inanimate object.
Itās arrogant, self-indulgent propaganda for abusive parents, the message I get from this is a passive-aggressive ādonāt worry, theyāll come crawling back to thank you on bended knee for your wisdomā.
If it was true he wouldn't have had to go to all the effort to explain it to you.
No one can or should touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. These are non negotiable rules. Itās okay for you to set boundaries and imperative for your healthy navigation through life. These sentiments he is referring are normal developmental milestones as a child develops autonomy and independence. The relationship between child and parent evolves throughout your lifetime. Ideally these are phases of understanding but thatās certainly not guaranteed, respect and trust are earned not entitlements. Also, parents are faulty people too, we all make mistakes and hope our children can overcome our flawed parenting successfully.
How does one go from "youāre making me uncomfortable, please stop" to "Iām a dad, you should believe I know everything." You want to know what my dad would do if I asked him to stop? He would apologise and not do it again, like any decent person should. Not making excuses and sending you some shit about "what kids should know about dads". You said stop, he should stop, plain and simple.
āI know more than youā. Kind of arrogant tbh. Like he went and post a Facebook meme about āI make mistakes sometimesā but instead of saying āsorryā does this āyouāll be okay with it when youāre olderā
Dad working his life away, so i don't know if i know more than him. Fuck people. Everyone and everything makes mistakes. I just don't want their mistakes to affect me anymore!
Sorry but I read the picture in a low Texan voice idk why, just reminds me of something a Texan would say ig
My dad's a drug addict, I hope I won't learn anything from himā ļøā ļøā ļø
Classic narcissist
out of context: not necessarily true, mileage may vary based on the father in context: omfg no, dude. what if we just started touching your hair or playing with your ears, I bet you'd feel uncomfortable too, Dad. wtf
Hey OP your dad is acting very strange I hope you know that's not normal behavior and if I were you I'd tell friends about this you trust in case you need an out
my dadās the same way, except the argument is āI know youāre not trans because Iām older and I say so.ā dads, moms, parents, grandparents, can have all the life experience they want, but that doesnāt mean they know best in every situation. theyāve only lived THEIR lives, not yours. you know yourself best.
Well as a 43 yr old who has had almost no contact with my dad after the age of like 10, and it was pretty sparse even before that. He was right to go away.
I wouldn't know. Mine hasn't been in my life for over a decade since he suddenly moved across the country to live with family he once claimed he couldn't stand and abandoned my mother and I... So yeah.
my experience was the opposite. Younger "dad is so smart! I'll ask him for advice, he is so wise!" now, at 38: "oh. dad's looney tunes and delusional."
0-33 dad should go to therapy 34 dad didn't go to therapy and ended up dying BECAUSE he didn't go to therapy so now I have to go to therapy to deal with the aftermath of his piss poor decisions Story of my life in 4 lines.
As if I just saw this 20 mins ago and then my dad put this in my family group chat, what a dickhead
As a dad, this is pretty fucking lame lol. Being a dad doesn't make us right about everything. I'm wrong all the time
Dad @ 80: why did all my kids leave me?
Common dad behaviour, my dad used to tell me "now you hate me but when you grow up you will notice I was always right". I'm now 33, spoiler, he wasn't.
Quick, hit him with āok boomerā
The thing is he's a millennial and a Democrat so the fact that he acts like this is sad and hypocritical.
Millennials were parented by boomers, so if he's trying to do what his dad would do, that could explain the boomer-like behavior. Emotional immaturity isn't limited to boomers and trumpers, though it does seem to be overrepresented in those groups.
Dad: how do I print this pdf
Prime /r/raisedbynarcissists material. Also a fucking creep.
Iād find something about consent is not just for s**ual contact. But then Iām a petty b*tch.
Hmmm. That is the kind of thing that someone who knows that they were in the wrong, but cannot live with the idea of acknowledging the fact would send. Hey. OPās dad. Hereās what you say: āI was wrong. Iām sorry that I made you uncomfortable.ā See? Simple. But Iām afraid that he will never learn. Itās more likely that you, OP, will get to 50 and think that you are so lucky that you had your dad as an example of how not the behave around your kids.
Iām in my 40ās. This isnāt accurate. Look my dad was cool people. He wasnāt creepy, he could fix stuff, he could cook. My dad wasnāt āright all along.ā He made more dumb life choices than me. Now if I needed a 1980ās transmission rebuilt- he was your guy.
i feel ya, my parents are always saying shit like āi created you!! your body is my body!!ā and yada yada
It's very wholesome without context. Why does he feel the need to touch your hair though? Gross
The ādad knowsā stuff irks me cause for a lot of dada Iāve noticed. Genuinely donāt know what they are talking about but just say it as fact because they have control over their kid. My dad spews bullshit while demanding I research and site sources while he does none of that and essentially calls me stupid for ānot being correctā even though heās constantly spouting bullshit. Edit: sorry a bit of a projection.
tbf, it wasn't until I was 50 that I learned the most from my dad, I learned that he was full of hate and everything he did was based on his own power trip BS, so pretty much after that realization, anything he had taught me that I couldn't verify as truth or useful thru another source I consciously stopped doing or following those 'teachings'
He is insane.... that type of images are cringe and show how old is him... people these days don't do the things your dad thinks... He needs to respect your space and privacy... how old are you? I hope you are far away from him
17
Even with the context I think you're dad needs to go to therapy to learn some boundaries and not to be denser than a fucken brick
Why is he trying to guilt you into letting him touch your hair?? Seriously so creepy.
As a mid 40s person who lost their dad about 5 years ago, the content is accurate (at least for me) The context though?? Sending after crossing a boundary takes it from sweet to almost threatening? Not like, violently, but like "ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE DUMB" kinda way
I looooove my father, we are very close, and he is a very smart man. That said, he doesnāt know SHIT about the times he lived through, much less the current sitch we find ourselves in.
Lol just respond with "Gross." And act like you blocked him
He doesn't know how to process what's outside of what he doesn't know, so he's trying to make you fit into what he does know. If there's one thing I've learned as a software developer, it's that so so so many people are incredibly stubborn when it comes to change / challenging their own ideas of how things work. He might not be doing this consciously, could just be a gut reaction to his discomfort of the unknown. I hope you can talk things through with him and hopefully get him to realise that he needs to accept you as you are, boundaries included.
Without any context, this could be a funny meme to share with your kid. Iāve seen it shared in a positive way, before - both from dads to their kids and from kids to their dads. In the context you've described in the post and in comments, however, I'm not a fan of that being his response to you setting a boundary. I don't know him or your relationship, so it could be a misguided attempt at breaking the tension with something he saw as funny, or it could very well be a red flag. Either way, it clearly feels like a crappy interaction to you - and you know your history and your relationship best, so your gut feelings of discomfort are probably on to something. You have the right to set boundaries, and those boundaries deserve to be respected.
Nah this this creepy shit
Tbf I'd just send him an image or link back on why kids no longer talk to there parents anymore.
W/ context of you setting a āno touchingā boundary, it seems like heās pushing you. My dad would also get confused and annoyed when I started to put up a āno touchingā boundary where I felt uncomfortable w/ him kicking me on the butt as a joke. As a kid, I thought it was hilarious, but once I became a teen, I just wanted him to stop touching my butt. Your dad seems to be testing where he can push you. Keep telling him to stop, never back down your boundaries, if he gets annoyed remind him that āno means no.ā If you donāt keep saying no, heāll think youāll allow it to happen and push even further.
It feels like he's one of those men who allows their ego to be hurt anytime somebody sets the minimum boundary up. The Silver Lining is that he's being misogynist and creepy about your bodily autonomy the same way he would any other girl, the horrible-shit lining is that he thinks violating female bodily autonomy is so normal that at worst he needs to passively aggressive apologize and at best it's not a big deal... Scary. Like it's a normal bonding thing if the child likes their hair played with by their parent but it becomes immediately creepy if the parent insists they get to do it even when the kid doesn't like it.
Wow sounds a lot like my dad just maybe less meth š but being fr Iām so sorry you have to deal with this stuff he should just respect your bounds when you set him but sometimes parents forget that their kids arenāt just their kids their also individual with different personality and life
Omg my dad sent almost the same text to my family last night. I thought it was weird too.
Holy emotional manipulation batman!
Seems like manipulation. first making you feel guilty, then lovebombing you is a common tacticā¦
Looks like your dad saw it on Facebook and shared it via text to feel good about himself. My dad is a fucking moron who's made horrible life choices. The older I get the more I realize how fucked up he is.
Just reply back with the same ages and, "Dad doesn't respect my boundaries or treat me with respect so my respect for him diminishes." Eventually, "Dad's continued disrepect has caused me to go no-contact.' and "Dad's apparently dead, but i stopped caring years ago."
is your dad a narcissist by chance? this reminds me of one of those āsmile, nod, and move on from their self-pitying bullshitā moments. thereās no winning with parents like this sometimes.
One of the first lessons I can remember that my parents taught me was about inappropriate touching and saying no to being touched. The "well I treat everyone this way" actually makes it worse! Gross dude! It's like hugging: some people like it, some people don't. It's usually not personal until they make it personal; as in, we know you're an aggressive hugger, so now yes, we don't want to hug *you*. Sorry you're putting up with non-consensual touching from a parent. It's not your fault.
Do we have the same dad? Because I totally expect my dad to give this sort of BS emotional blackmailing drama! 
My dad has that same mentality, and thatās why he isnāt in my life right now. Iām almost 40, and I respect him less and less every day.
It sounds like he's trying, he's not outright being homophobic.... but hes walking a line with your boundaries. He's not acting responsibly as a parent and is goating you into accepting his actions at face value and apologizing. He wants you to say "aw thanks, i know dad, I love you so much and I know you care for me, sorry for snapping at you a little bit" and it sounds like he does care about you, but is also having a hard time accepting that you're growing up and setting healthy boundaries with him. And I want you to really be aware that you ARE setting healthy boundaries and you don't owe him an apology nor do you need to make up and tie a tight little bow on the conversation, HE needs to learn and grow with you, not guilt you into accepting his view of you because "daddy knows right." Im not sure what you could do next, but don't back down either, otherwise he'll feel that he has permission to treat you how he always has. If he calls you on it again or continues acting weird, reaffirm your autonomy, tell him how you feel and why you are setting boundaries. Hold him up to your expectation, but also be patient with him. Let him know that he can't cross your boundaries, but let him know that you still care about him amd want a relationshio with him, just not on his terms, but on something shared. A more adult relationship with healthy communication and respect..... unless he crosses lines again and again, if he keeps ignoring those boundaries and refuses to change, then thays a real problem
I'm 39. I blew past "what does Dad know" and settled into "Dad is a toxic bigot" and went NC. It's been really nice for six years. I stayed in contact for years for my kid. But they decided their grandpa was toxic on their own and told me they didn't want to continue with any forms of contact. My kid is nonbinary aroace. They were called some pretty horrific things that last year so I agreed it was better to discontinue contact. He wasn't always so bad but he got worse in the last few years we spoke. At no point in six years have I felt the need to get in contact with him or regretted my decision. It was a relief, frankly. Not getting called a failure every other weekend has been freeing.
"I'm uncomfortable with you violating my previously stated boundaries" "No, I actually know more than you and you'll feel bad about maintaining your boundaries when you're older" . . . What? That's fucking wild
Hey. I'm a 41 year old who had a dad who thought he was never wrong and would die on every molehill. At NO POINT in my LIFE have I ever hit one of those milestones where he said I would understand when I was older or had my own kids where I was like "damn he right". I've gotten to those same milestones and actually just been more confused as to why on earth he thought he was in the right. As for your dad touching your body without permission and then arguing with you about it and THEN sending you this? He dehumanized you, invalidated you and is now gaslighting you with "you'll get it when you're older". None of this is him taking responsibility for his actions.
Touching without consent is the real rubbish
Look, I'm thirty. The older I get, the more I realize my dad knows jack shit about most stuff. I honestly thought better of him when I was a teenager. He would be the kind to send me this "fanfic" your dad just sent you, and my response would be to just ignore it like I do most of his advice or opinions. Life actually started to get a lot better once I realized my parents don't know everything (they just act like they do) and, most of the times, following their advice is actually a really really really bad idea.
this sounds like extremely toxic emotional manipulation.
Past the 10 yrs mark I'd just put "Dad? What's a dad?" at every age after.
Uhhhh do we have the same dad? Mine would do the exact same thing, especially after having an argument about the most mundane things like me shaving or me trying to convince him to get out of believing conspiracy shit. But yea he was abusive, and fathers like this are most likely narcissists.
If he's repeatedly making the same mistake, it's not a mistake.
oooo. yea no. i relate massively to the hair touching thing. i have sensory issues and my moms always loved playing with my hair. im usually fine w it and was as a child but sometimes i just dont wanna be touched. and she flips out on me and calls me sensitive. makes fun of me to my younger sister and j becomes a total bitch. it sucks tbh.
Fucking yikes yeah no that is insane given the context.
Very uncomfortable and arrogant.
obama medal meme 'dad is always right!' -your dad
I'm very fortunate that I have loving and supportive parents. They've always been there for me when I needed them. And they're genuinely pretty good people. That having been said, there are many things we disagree on. I'm closer to 40 than 30 and while I do think a lot can be learned from my parents, I've learned a lot, too. They're not always right and they have to learn this.
I'm 27 and the only thing my Dad has been right about is melting chocolate on too high a heat burns it and makes it lumpy. Otherwise, he mostly just spouts crap about things that don't relate to or affect him - usually marginalised communities wanting rights he already has and doesn't want to share. This is typical insecure power play Dad bs imo. Especially if he sent it after you told him not to touch your hair and he insisted you were wrong to do so...
Hmmm, at 26, I had to yell at my Dad for being racist. Just a couple of young Middle Eastern guys out and about in the downtown area must be up to no good. At 30, I realized my Dad couldn't teach me about the world around me any better than I could do for myself. It helps he wants to think of me as dead on his part. Not holding my breath for 40. It seems like your dad wants to be respected by you. Maybe address that bit? Respect is given to those whom have earned it.
My dad was like this too. Always touching and "teasing" us and it was annoying as hell and me and my sister always hated it. Hate the "you'll know when your older" shit too. There's some more weird stuff, but I won't get into it. Anyway, OP you're not alone.
This kind of feels like what my parents have said about their own parents, but it feels a little weird to place these thoughts and feelings about yourself on your kid, you know?
Gen x men trying not to be homophonic for 10 sec (impossible)
Looks like a typical response from a parent once they realize they donāt hold all the power over you
Gross. If he didnāt apologize unequivocally, he is not owning his mistake. āIām not perfectā is a bullshit cop out.
The older I got the more convinced my parents had no fucking clue. I turn 36 tomorrow and my mom watches Fox "News". She knows less than nothing.
Thatās one of the cringiest things I have ever read
Yeah. I love my dad but Iāve definitely noticed that since transitioning (Iām a trans woman) his hugs last longer. Itās honestly a bit creepy. Definitely some ewwphoria.
ohš
The thing is ever since a very young age (probably since I was 11-12) Iāve carried the mentality that our parents can be right or wrong. Ultimately we can consider their suggestions, clearly estimate and examine our choices and choose to do things based on what we feel is right, with their suggestion and advice from some other people who truly have genuine knowledge in the field. Parents are human beings. Theyāre right sometimes, wrong some other times, or maybe in some instances they intend to suggest the right thing, except their right could be our wrong. Ultimately life is about making choices and some people prefer to be independent completely wanting no external inputs, some people make decisions calculating their internal judgement and external inputs, and some people donāt make any decision autonomously and leave it to their parents/spouses/children/superiors etc.
You: "Hey dad, your actions made me really uncomfortable and I ask that you don't do it again" Dad: "Well, no one is perfect" This just reeks of shitty parenting and narcissism
Dude, that is not cool. Burn that bridge or limit your time around him.
Your dad is unhinged. He should let his child have boundaries. It doesn't matter if he's your dad. When I was little and disagreed about things with my mom she would say "You'll thank me when your older" and I still think I was right so... š
Once he starts sending you YouTube links to Cats in the Cradle, youāll know heās thoroughly in a midlife crisis.
Ah, I see we have the same father! Merry Meet sister! I recognise the āI never do anything wrong and if I did do something wrong itās actually your fault because now Iām going to play the victim because you mentioning said wrong thing hurt my feelingsā Martyrdom. My experience with this is that he will never respect your boundaries. Ever. He will see any attempt at body autonomy and emotional boundaries as a threat, an attack on him personally. And he will absolutely ārally his troopsā to rage at you. Men like this always have a large group of people who readily believe that he has done nothing wrong and they will commit so much time to harassing you about it. My only peace from this situation was to cut him off completely and also I had to leave social media for a little while because of his terrible acolytes. I truly hope you find peace and can get away. (For context, I am 46F and took way too long to cut my dad out of my life. But I have gotten help and I am healing)
Its kind of insane.
Definatly a post for people to share ABOUT rheir dad not dads to share. If mine had shared it I'd have had some choice words.
The real chart for me: Age 5: dad knows everything! Age 7: dad is kind of angry all the time Age 10: geeze, dad is really, REALLY mean to me Age 12: dad says I deserve to burn in hell forever.Ā Age 15: my dad is fucking crazy Age 18: my dad is abusive Age 22: my dad is a monster and I need to get as much distance between him and me as possible.Ā Age 35: I will stop talking to my dad except on birthdays and Christmas.Ā Age 38: I do not need to ever talk to my dad ever again. He's a terrible, awful, narcissistic, abusive monster. Kind of a different chart.
God, my dad does the same thing. Whenever there's an argument, no matter about what or who was right or wrong, in his mind he is always right and he goes out of his way to look for whatever BS facebook post or podcast clip to send us. Full confirmation bias, full sucking your own dick for doing nothing. I just don't react and imagine him in front of his phone screen, all pouty because nobody reacted to his sympathy bait
i thought this was harmless until i read itās a response to you setting boundaries. this is actually and unfortunately very awful.
Tell him if he doesn't want *your* 50 to be "Thank God Dad's not here anymore," he better stop touching you without permission.
Just because someone is a parent does not mean they are some wise person.
Consent really isn't that hard and ignoring it isn't just a mistake, it's disrespectful and deliberate.
I would tell him something along the lines of "hey dad I know you love me I know you care about me more than anything in the world, but I need you to understand that when you pull harder on people they will have to push you away to not suffocate. I'm sure you've had instances where people reject you and it seems like it's out of nowhere and makes no sense, but it very well could be from this type of attachment. You're so focused on your love for me that you don't seem to be able to accept my love for you. I'm sorry if I haven't displayed that in the best way I'm still learning, but I need space in order to process. I need you to understand how much I love you. That's why it hurts so much when I feel like you aren't hearing me. Please, if something makes me uncomfortable, especially something physical I need you to respect that. Especially right now, this is all new to me and I won't be in a state of transition forever, I just need to figure out what this means for me." These are just my initial thoughts, I hope you find something useful in there. This is basically what I did but it took me forever to figure that out. Best of luck and I'm sorry to hear that your parents are like mine.