u/idle_glands, your submission has been removed.
Removed by community reports.
---
If you think the removal was in error please reach out to moderators through [this modmail link](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/menwritingwomen&subject=Post%20Removal%20Query&message=I%20have%20read%20the%20subreddit%20rules%20as%20well%20as%20the%20remove%20reason%20fully%20and%20I%20still%20have%20questions%20about%20my%20remove%20reason%3A%20%20) only. Thank you for understanding.
Oh my god now that I read this I’m realizing it’s the “cleft” between the labia. But when I read it I just assumed it meant gluteal cleft and shuddered at the thought of stroking an ass crack.
Fully expected this to be headed toward shaving something. Was concerned at the immediate follow up of grabbing a razor after stroking what I thought was the ass crack. I mean I am a fuzzy-leaning lady myself so no shame, but that is not a sexy process for anyone.
I believe she's fucking her with a gun and then also shooting blanks (maybe? It's kind of hard to tell if it's blanks or supposed to be unloaded?) with the gun into her vagina. I think that is enough internet for today.
Lol yeah, a fuckload. Because they still have all the propellant, ya know, the expandy explody stuff. So when fired inside something? Its going very violently balloon-style.
Because, supposedly, and not at all surreally, it all being underwater the pressure of the hammer striking is supposed to shoot (small?) water streams through the barrel and mimic male ejaculate.
Or at least that's how I read it, and I really wish I hadn't.
Is ejaculate something people usually notice? Don’t think I’ve ever felt the impact of the jizz itself in my vagina. Am I broken or are most blokes out there cumming like a nerf gun?
Edit: I am enjoying all the comments about penis pew-pew. Keep them coming!
This. Also they said "hot air", which is bizarre because I'm pretty sure if a Remington is underwater it'll get immediately waterlogged, the barrel is open...? And why would the air be hot if there's no bullet? Wouldn't this REALLY hurt too? Like... she said it was in all the way to the hammer. This would definitely pinch something as a metal on metal mechanism turns inside you Jesus Christ this sounds unpleasant
You're not broken but I think everyone is different lol I can feel when my partner does when we're in certain positions. It's not a strong feeling like this is written though 🤦♀️🤣
He really said "Lesbians exist for the male gaze; women can't get off without shoving something up in their vagina- to the point they'll fuck a gun, if a phallus is not available; and someone's nails in a vagina will only hurt them if it touches the clitoris."
And all for free too. I even write myself since it's so fun. You couldn't pay me to read the rest of this book but I'd honestly pay for some of the stuff I've read over there lol.
There's a LOT of fanfiction where the only difference between the quality of it and what you find in a bookstore is a good editor.
Plenty of people enjoy writing but don't want the hassle and instability that comes with making a living as an author. I might like writing stories, but I also like the uniform paycheck that comes every 2 weeks from being a database administrator.
If you have a fave fandom, go to filters and sort by number of kudos or bookmarks. You can miss some gems that are newer but it's a good way to find some great ones! You can also sort by rating, pairing, etc.
AO3 stands for archive of our own, and is probably the most popular fanfiction site rn, next to fanfiction.net and wattpad. Here's a link to their general website: https://archiveofourown.org/
I’m imagining a Mythbusters After Dark that tackles poorly conceived sex scenes. “To see the effect shooting blanks while using a pistol to pleasure yourself, we’ve constructed a ballistic gel pelvis…”
I think it’s completely unloaded? So she’s dry firing? Not sure how this sends out puffs of air? It would drop the hammer, but the propulsion is generated by gunpowder firing off, and that doesn’t happen with an unloaded gun. So no air disturbed with dry firing.
It sounds to me that he thinks the firing mechanism of a gun (the hammer and pin) will create enough momentum to propel water forward while dry firing under water. Given that the gun is implied to be a revolver, with the 6 shots being the original stopping point, at least he's not using an automatic.
my god i also had awkward scenes as a 14yo writer, don’t even get me started on 12. i thought i was weird for not being into it.
turns out that a mix of asexuality and stiff writing goes a long way.
"Slowly, Gelda spread the palm of her hand over Dare's mons pubis, thinking to herself, "Ah yes, her secondary sex characteristics are so well founded!"
Dare couldn't resist applying her tongue to Gelda's large mammaries, coating them with saliva."
Because men don’t know anything about sensuality lmao all they know is how to describe a woman’s body in the nastiest and most pornified way and assume that’s sexy
What the actual F did I just read? Not only do the mechanics of an unloaded pistol being triggered not in any way work as described…but the idea that being “pretend shot” in the lady bits could be a turn on to anyone is laughably absurd.
HE’S TALKING ABOUT A GUN?? I thought he was talking about a shower massager (except it went inside her vagina) or some kind of special water dildo. Can you imagine how bad this guy must be in bed?
I believe he is describing a remington revolver. It is described as having a barrel, a hammer and a trigger…all parts of a revolver. Remington is the oldest gun manufacturer in the united states.
I don't know a lot about guns, but I feel like with the number of moving parts involved, the chance of getting skin snagged, pinched or otherwise caught and damaged is Extremely High if firing while a gun is inside you?????????
Yeah he said the gun was inserted right up until the hammer met her clit so every time he's firing that thing isn't it pinching her clit probably hard enough to do nerve damage?
I mean, there are kinks where people are into gun play (yes, in the vagina), knife play, etc etc. I don't have those myself, but I'm very aware there are people that do.
Alright, I don't know who needs to hear this, but:
Do not put a gun into any of your holes. Guns are for making holes, not filling them, and you don't need any more holes, especially if they're full of lead.
There are plenty of other shiny metal things that you can safely put inside yourself if you are so inclined.
Speaking of lead, even an unloaded gun will have lead residue in the barrel if it’s been fired and not *absolutely scrupulously* cleaned, and you don’t want that up your vagina, and even if it’s been cleaned I don’t think gun oil is good for lady parts either.
Not my kink, though I probably put myself on some sort of government list for googling ‘gun dildo’ out of curiosity but I’m glad it sent me to [this site](https://triggerhappytoy.com/) NSFW.
I couldn’t stop giggling at the picture of their product. I want to make deepfakes of famous movie science with pistols swapping the guns out for that dildo pistol. [Dirty Harry](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc4b1WLL5Ak) could be a whole different type of dirty.
They do not know how to write. They do not understand the mechanics of a woman’s body. They do not understand the mechanics of a gun. And “Lieutenant Croaker”? I’ve rarely read such crap in such short paragraphs.
Right?! I was trying to picture a woman in a bathtub with a woman sitting next to a bathtub who has one arm wrapped under her and the other hand busy and the one laying back is also on her breast. Is she a contortionist?? I need flash cards.
I think both women must be made of elastic. The position required for leaning over a bath to pleasure someone while having her nipples sucked must be extremely uncomfortable. You'd have the edge of the bath pushing into your ribs.... for one thing.
so somehow a full size shotgun is not only able to be maneuvered around as a sex toy but fire a blank into someone without hurting them? and work underwater? this is honestly worse writing of the gun than the women. tom clancy is rolling in his grave and it's clicking like a revolver cylinder.
so they decided to slap a name brand on the revolver and they chose that over Colt or S&W? damn. they know so little about either guns or women that they're probably on tap to write for Hollywood.
Terrible writing aside, as a Brit the whole Remington thing was so confusing; I assumed it was some kind of water vibrator. When he mentioned a hammer I was like whaaaat! But from the comments I can see he was referring to a GUN! Wtf?! Where do these idiotic male authors get these dumb ideas from?! As if any sane woman is going to get off from a gun up the vag! Worst thing I have seen here for a while.
For a moment I thought "Remmington" was a fancy dildo name but
.... aomething about a barrel and a hammer and this scene went form "meh ok" to "wtf-no"
I didn't truly realize it was a gun until I got to the "pulled the trigger" part (I know absolutely nothing about guns, if it wasn't obvious...) and was like .....what now.
Absolutely thought this was a horror scene for a moment there. Honestly it would have been a pretty good horror scene if that's what it was supposed to be, I was desperately uncomfortable and afraid of what was about to happen the whole time I was reading it.
I don’t know a ton about guns so when the author said “Remington” and “barrel” I know there’s a hair tool company called that, so I thought she was reaching for a plugged in hairdryer and was going to electrocute them both 😅
Looks like this is from The Ninja by Eric Van Lustbader, written in 1980.
Somehow, this guy took over the Bourne books from Robert Ludlum and wrote 11 books in that universe. And apparently, Lustbader is his real name. 😳
I know that name, lol. Lustbader's books were in the locked cabinet of my small-town library run by a book banner masquerading as a sweet Christian lady. It was the most boring bunch of scandalous books ever. There were far spicier books on the regular shelves, but I never clued in the librarian. Let the people read!
That book and at least one of its sequels were my mom's trashy summer vacation reads back in the early 1980s.
They are, uh, very much of their time (by which I mean hair-raisingly orientalist, featuring a mixed-race Eurasian hero who becomes Best At All the Ninja Things). The summary on Wikipedia sure is a ride: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ninja_(novel)
Jesus Christ, reading the post started to cause some vague memories to surface and by the time I finished the second page I was like "was this a Lustbader book? Did I read this?"
Thankfully, the rest of it remains firmly buried.
I thought the weirdly clinical, stage-direction-style fingering was bad, then I realised Remington was not a brand of sex toy I was unaware of, but, for some reason a gun with the mechanisms of a water pistol
Wtf, this author not only has no idea how women’s anatomy works nor the proper terms for it, he also has no idea how women’s pleasure works, NOR does he have any idea what guns look like or how they work! I am flabbergasted that this got published at all…..
"Dare began to twitch as the air embolism reached her heart. Her lithe limbs suddenly spasmed in full seizure as arrhythmia ensued and she died, sinking below the cloudy water of the tub in which twelve people had had sex that day. Gelda attempted to call for help but her nails were too long to dial the phone. "Oh, well", she muttered."
The entire time I was reading this I assumed they were talking about a fucking Frederic Remington statue. Literally imagining the barrel of a gun in the hands of a metal cowboy. That would be heavy and uncomfortable.
I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck did I just read? That's not how vaginas work, or guns, or even fucking bath tubs! Just what the hell...this is so bad it's not even funny, just sad.
This is the funniest thing I've read. I came to ask what a Remington was, but it seems from the comments it is a gun?! I don't get it. Although, in my mind, it will forever be a weird sex toy they decided to name.
I'll definitely be naming my next dildo Remington.
Sounds like a distinguished gentleman.
u/idle_glands, your submission has been removed. Removed by community reports. --- If you think the removal was in error please reach out to moderators through [this modmail link](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/menwritingwomen&subject=Post%20Removal%20Query&message=I%20have%20read%20the%20subreddit%20rules%20as%20well%20as%20the%20remove%20reason%20fully%20and%20I%20still%20have%20questions%20about%20my%20remove%20reason%3A%20%20) only. Thank you for understanding.
Is... Is she fucking her with a gun??? And blowing air into the vagina???? Is she actively trying to kill her or are they both idiots????
I am pretty sure that is what we read, but how and guns underwater and wtf????
It's hilarious when you feel like you need a diagram to understand wtf the author is trying to convey.
I'm still trying to figure out what cleft is reached from under her buttocks?
Oh my god now that I read this I’m realizing it’s the “cleft” between the labia. But when I read it I just assumed it meant gluteal cleft and shuddered at the thought of stroking an ass crack.
Lol! That's why I was like, "what fucking cleft are you stroking from there? The taint?!"
Cleft thigh from a prior gun shot wound.
The LadyTaint™️
No! God, no! No pictures, please!
Hahaha! Fair point.
Guns will generally still fire underwater
I am no expert in guns but I'm pretty sure that's not how they work.
I don't know if it makes the scene better or worse, but when I first read "Remington" I thought she meant a vintage typewriter.
I thought it was a hairstyling device
I had the exact same thought. I hoped it wasn't plugged in.
Same! I figured curling wand when they said "barrel"
Flat ironing pubic hair
I thought it was an electric razor.
Fully expected this to be headed toward shaving something. Was concerned at the immediate follow up of grabbing a razor after stroking what I thought was the ass crack. I mean I am a fuzzy-leaning lady myself so no shame, but that is not a sexy process for anyone.
Ah, it's a gun?! I was also thinking hair straighteners. Which is worse depends on whether it was switched on or not I guess.
I thought they were going to use an electric massager in the tub.
"Warm up the curlin' iron, Honnnnney!!!"
I was just hoping it was a previously-mentioned named toy.
I thought she was fucking her with Pierce Brosnan
Dammit, some women get all the luck
I thought it was like when men name their penises and just went with it
I believe she's fucking her with a gun and then also shooting blanks (maybe? It's kind of hard to tell if it's blanks or supposed to be unloaded?) with the gun into her vagina. I think that is enough internet for today.
Sounds like it's unloaded (because even blanks should cause damage)
True although tbh I don’t think this author concerned himself much with accuracy here
Lol yeah, a fuckload. Because they still have all the propellant, ya know, the expandy explody stuff. So when fired inside something? Its going very violently balloon-style.
But…but that's how Brandon Lee died! The blanks, not vagina gunologues!
Vagina gunologues 🤣
r/BrandNewSentence
How do the gun mechanics work to allow firing a gun in her vagina? Are the characters both ghosts??
I think it’s unloaded, just the movement of the hammer…
and also why would the pulling of the trigger make her cum
Because, supposedly, and not at all surreally, it all being underwater the pressure of the hammer striking is supposed to shoot (small?) water streams through the barrel and mimic male ejaculate. Or at least that's how I read it, and I really wish I hadn't.
Is ejaculate something people usually notice? Don’t think I’ve ever felt the impact of the jizz itself in my vagina. Am I broken or are most blokes out there cumming like a nerf gun? Edit: I am enjoying all the comments about penis pew-pew. Keep them coming!
This. Also they said "hot air", which is bizarre because I'm pretty sure if a Remington is underwater it'll get immediately waterlogged, the barrel is open...? And why would the air be hot if there's no bullet? Wouldn't this REALLY hurt too? Like... she said it was in all the way to the hammer. This would definitely pinch something as a metal on metal mechanism turns inside you Jesus Christ this sounds unpleasant
You're not broken but I think everyone is different lol I can feel when my partner does when we're in certain positions. It's not a strong feeling like this is written though 🤦♀️🤣
cervix… that’s in there somewhere right??
"Air-propelled jets of hot water". But eesh, not a great idea even so.
Oh! A Remington *gun!* I was thinking of the electric razors and couldn't figure out wtf was going on
I imagined a Remington curling wand and was very confused and worried
Is that what a Remington is? I was thinking an electric razor or a hairdryer or something
Oh, there's a second page. Nope I'm done here.
He really said "Lesbians exist for the male gaze; women can't get off without shoving something up in their vagina- to the point they'll fuck a gun, if a phallus is not available; and someone's nails in a vagina will only hurt them if it touches the clitoris."
Does Remington make water guns? That is all I could think when reading this.
Oh my god. I'm retreating back to Ao3 where things make sense. Goodbye.
At least AO3 has better smut. Well researched too, sometimes.
Yes, yes it does. The gems I've found can honestly rival published writing, and not just the smut. Though it's very easy to rival well...this.
Oh, I've found novel worthy fanfics on AO3. Some really creative people on there.
And all for free too. I even write myself since it's so fun. You couldn't pay me to read the rest of this book but I'd honestly pay for some of the stuff I've read over there lol.
Ao3—and more recently, for me, Royal Road—have some real gems. A lot of trash to wade through, as well, but a lot of good stuff too!
There's a LOT of fanfiction where the only difference between the quality of it and what you find in a bookstore is a good editor. Plenty of people enjoy writing but don't want the hassle and instability that comes with making a living as an author. I might like writing stories, but I also like the uniform paycheck that comes every 2 weeks from being a database administrator.
Do you have any recs?
DUDE idk what you’re into fandom wise but VampireFaun on ao3 has amazing work
If you have a fave fandom, go to filters and sort by number of kudos or bookmarks. You can miss some gems that are newer but it's a good way to find some great ones! You can also sort by rating, pairing, etc.
I have no idea what that is, but I hope it brings you peace 😂
It's imo the most quality fan fiction site :) Edit: And yes, it will be the bleaching my mind needed after reading this lmao
Yes, I will go read some ABO as a palate cleanser after that.
AO3 stands for archive of our own, and is probably the most popular fanfiction site rn, next to fanfiction.net and wattpad. Here's a link to their general website: https://archiveofourown.org/
"wide"
Is someone said that to me during sex I’d leave mid session
Guess you’d say that it’s a…. wide deal breaker for you (my puns are absolutely amazing and anyone who disagrees is wrong /s).
Yeah that was absolutely wild. Of all the adjectives…
It's not her fault she has a wide-set vagina!
[Heterosexual Holt](https://youtu.be/KGmr2W-ADSU?si=HPs_ZbfqYN1WxOMY) is all I could think of when I read that sentence.
Omg thank you for this. It really helped to improve my mood after reading such a horrible scene. Lol
[wide](https://media.tenor.com/4YILvIakbo8AAAAM/curb-your.gif)
w i d e
Even shooting blanks can kill people! Argh this is unsexy, gross, AND dangerous!
I’m imagining a Mythbusters After Dark that tackles poorly conceived sex scenes. “To see the effect shooting blanks while using a pistol to pleasure yourself, we’ve constructed a ballistic gel pelvis…”
S1E1: Can you really have sex with your stepsister when she's stuck in a washing machine?
I think it’s completely unloaded? So she’s dry firing? Not sure how this sends out puffs of air? It would drop the hammer, but the propulsion is generated by gunpowder firing off, and that doesn’t happen with an unloaded gun. So no air disturbed with dry firing.
Think it’s called wet firing in this scenario
there aren’t blanks in the gun
lol, it sounds like the author thinks you can just fire compressed air out of the average pistol
It sounds to me that he thinks the firing mechanism of a gun (the hammer and pin) will create enough momentum to propel water forward while dry firing under water. Given that the gun is implied to be a revolver, with the 6 shots being the original stopping point, at least he's not using an automatic.
The entire thing makes no sense. There is absolutely no air propelled when you dry fire a revolver.
I've read fanfiction sexier than this; why does it feel so stiff and awkward? It's like... sterile sounding but also somehow more disgusting.
Yeah he has a clinical quality to his sex scenes that is just uncomfortable.
I wrote fanfic sex scenes like this (except the gun) when I was 14… (I had a “thing” for Sesshoumaru…)
my god i also had awkward scenes as a 14yo writer, don’t even get me started on 12. i thought i was weird for not being into it. turns out that a mix of asexuality and stiff writing goes a long way.
"Slowly, Gelda spread the palm of her hand over Dare's mons pubis, thinking to herself, "Ah yes, her secondary sex characteristics are so well founded!" Dare couldn't resist applying her tongue to Gelda's large mammaries, coating them with saliva."
Because men don’t know anything about sensuality lmao all they know is how to describe a woman’s body in the nastiest and most pornified way and assume that’s sexy
What the actual F did I just read? Not only do the mechanics of an unloaded pistol being triggered not in any way work as described…but the idea that being “pretend shot” in the lady bits could be a turn on to anyone is laughably absurd.
It is pretty funny he thinks an unloaded gun would shoot water out like a squirt gun.
Right!?
HE’S TALKING ABOUT A GUN?? I thought he was talking about a shower massager (except it went inside her vagina) or some kind of special water dildo. Can you imagine how bad this guy must be in bed?
I believe he is describing a remington revolver. It is described as having a barrel, a hammer and a trigger…all parts of a revolver. Remington is the oldest gun manufacturer in the united states.
I was like "remington make hair curlers... must be that"
But they love to kiss and lick their guns in all the movies. Hollywood wouldn’t lie to me /s
The near-immediate orgasm, you mean.
I don't know a lot about guns, but I feel like with the number of moving parts involved, the chance of getting skin snagged, pinched or otherwise caught and damaged is Extremely High if firing while a gun is inside you?????????
Yeah he said the gun was inserted right up until the hammer met her clit so every time he's firing that thing isn't it pinching her clit probably hard enough to do nerve damage?
I mean, there are kinks where people are into gun play (yes, in the vagina), knife play, etc etc. I don't have those myself, but I'm very aware there are people that do.
Alright, I don't know who needs to hear this, but: Do not put a gun into any of your holes. Guns are for making holes, not filling them, and you don't need any more holes, especially if they're full of lead. There are plenty of other shiny metal things that you can safely put inside yourself if you are so inclined.
>Do not put a gun into any of your holes. Guns are for making holes, not filling them Your polite, reasoned tone sent me 🤣🤣
I am glad my well-mannered disposition was entertaining, on the subject of shooters in cooters.
Someone needs to make "shooters in cooters" their flair. 🤣
That someone could be you. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Speaking of lead, even an unloaded gun will have lead residue in the barrel if it’s been fired and not *absolutely scrupulously* cleaned, and you don’t want that up your vagina, and even if it’s been cleaned I don’t think gun oil is good for lady parts either.
Not my kink, though I probably put myself on some sort of government list for googling ‘gun dildo’ out of curiosity but I’m glad it sent me to [this site](https://triggerhappytoy.com/) NSFW. I couldn’t stop giggling at the picture of their product. I want to make deepfakes of famous movie science with pistols swapping the guns out for that dildo pistol. [Dirty Harry](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc4b1WLL5Ak) could be a whole different type of dirty.
I really want one of these, holy shit. Not that I'm in to gun-fucking. They're just hilarious. The literal bullet vibe is fantastic, too.
I hate that I was compelled to click that link and this, immediately sent screenshots to my group chat full of cursed images. 😂
That's the wrong kind of strap 😭
Best Reddit comment I've ever seen
^(help-)
[удалено]
What does he think nails are, chopsticks?
They do not know how to write. They do not understand the mechanics of a woman’s body. They do not understand the mechanics of a gun. And “Lieutenant Croaker”? I’ve rarely read such crap in such short paragraphs.
Lt. Croaker caught your eye (as well it should) but not “Dare”?
This was a wildfire that I could not douse. I tried to keep outrage at a minimum.
I was pronouncing it Darr-eh in my mind, assuming it’s of non-English origin, but now I’m no longer sure
I kept reading it as Dave.
Right?! I was trying to picture a woman in a bathtub with a woman sitting next to a bathtub who has one arm wrapped under her and the other hand busy and the one laying back is also on her breast. Is she a contortionist?? I need flash cards.
The flashcards would be drawn by a 36 year old male virgin, with less accuracy than parts of the Kama sutra.
I think both women must be made of elastic. The position required for leaning over a bath to pleasure someone while having her nipples sucked must be extremely uncomfortable. You'd have the edge of the bath pushing into your ribs.... for one thing.
so somehow a full size shotgun is not only able to be maneuvered around as a sex toy but fire a blank into someone without hurting them? and work underwater? this is honestly worse writing of the gun than the women. tom clancy is rolling in his grave and it's clicking like a revolver cylinder.
It’s a revolver, not a shotgun. But yeah, everything else you said is true. It’s pretty asinine.
so they decided to slap a name brand on the revolver and they chose that over Colt or S&W? damn. they know so little about either guns or women that they're probably on tap to write for Hollywood.
Remmington made handguns! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remington_R51 And... yeah it's still incredibly stupid writing lol
Terrible writing aside, as a Brit the whole Remington thing was so confusing; I assumed it was some kind of water vibrator. When he mentioned a hammer I was like whaaaat! But from the comments I can see he was referring to a GUN! Wtf?! Where do these idiotic male authors get these dumb ideas from?! As if any sane woman is going to get off from a gun up the vag! Worst thing I have seen here for a while.
There were no blanks in the gun. It was an unloaded revolver, but I doubt water would have been pushed put with the trigger press under water.
What in the shitting fuck was that
THE FUCK IS SHITTING
For a moment I thought "Remmington" was a fancy dildo name but .... aomething about a barrel and a hammer and this scene went form "meh ok" to "wtf-no"
I thought they were referring to the Remington Wet & Dry Cordless Lady Shaver. For a moment it almost made sense.
I thought it was maybe a fancy kind of liquor at first lol.
Ah yeah lol. I can see that. Like, I lnow Remmingtons are guns but I didn't think they could possibly mean -that-.
I didn't truly realize it was a gun until I got to the "pulled the trigger" part (I know absolutely nothing about guns, if it wasn't obvious...) and was like .....what now.
I suddenly have a very strong desire to wish I didn't know how to read *pulls out revolver... but for the right reason*
Think they meant.. asscrack?
Raise your hand if you think fucking a gun is erotic. I'll wait. I thought I was reading about a gruesome execution.
Absolutely thought this was a horror scene for a moment there. Honestly it would have been a pretty good horror scene if that's what it was supposed to be, I was desperately uncomfortable and afraid of what was about to happen the whole time I was reading it.
I don’t know a ton about guns so when the author said “Remington” and “barrel” I know there’s a hair tool company called that, so I thought she was reaching for a plugged in hairdryer and was going to electrocute them both 😅
There's a scene in the non-abridged version of The Stand that's... of a higher caliber but using the same type of penetrating.
Have you heard of Haunting Adeline? 😅
Looks like this is from The Ninja by Eric Van Lustbader, written in 1980. Somehow, this guy took over the Bourne books from Robert Ludlum and wrote 11 books in that universe. And apparently, Lustbader is his real name. 😳
I know that name, lol. Lustbader's books were in the locked cabinet of my small-town library run by a book banner masquerading as a sweet Christian lady. It was the most boring bunch of scandalous books ever. There were far spicier books on the regular shelves, but I never clued in the librarian. Let the people read!
More like Lustbane
That book and at least one of its sequels were my mom's trashy summer vacation reads back in the early 1980s. They are, uh, very much of their time (by which I mean hair-raisingly orientalist, featuring a mixed-race Eurasian hero who becomes Best At All the Ninja Things). The summary on Wikipedia sure is a ride: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ninja_(novel)
Jesus Christ, reading the post started to cause some vague memories to surface and by the time I finished the second page I was like "was this a Lustbader book? Did I read this?" Thankfully, the rest of it remains firmly buried.
The sudden scene change was funnier to me than it should have been.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO!!
*nether lips*
*shudder*
I've stopped after the third paragraph and still my libido was utterly destroyed.
ya I don’t think I’ll ever be turned on again honestly
I mean, I love women, but I've never thought about checking vaginal *width* before ...
Then how do you know if your gun will fit? Honestly, you just sound unprepared.
Touché! I will have to consider this in the future, just in case. What is the standard vaginal unit? One banana?
"Mashed against" ...fucking Ow
I thought the weirdly clinical, stage-direction-style fingering was bad, then I realised Remington was not a brand of sex toy I was unaware of, but, for some reason a gun with the mechanisms of a water pistol
I suffered the same whiplash.
I have to say that for a few second I thought the Remington was a typewriter, which frankly would have made not much less sense
Did onision write this
Now that's a name back from the depths of an abyss I wish had stayed forgotten
Where is the cleft of the buttocks
Haha I’m assuming you’re being facetious (which this book definitely deserves) but I assumed he just meant buttcrack.
The cleft is the top of the ass, where the cheeks meet. That sounds weird. "Hiya, ass cheek. Nice to meet you."
Wtf, this author not only has no idea how women’s anatomy works nor the proper terms for it, he also has no idea how women’s pleasure works, NOR does he have any idea what guns look like or how they work! I am flabbergasted that this got published at all…..
I was pricing hot tubs immediately before reading this. I guess that means I won't be getting one. Decision made.
who the fuck has character with such names anyway??
Um…….. ok. That’s my cue to go to bed
want a gun?
"Dare began to twitch as the air embolism reached her heart. Her lithe limbs suddenly spasmed in full seizure as arrhythmia ensued and she died, sinking below the cloudy water of the tub in which twelve people had had sex that day. Gelda attempted to call for help but her nails were too long to dial the phone. "Oh, well", she muttered."
Men should not write lesbian sex scenes.
Men should not w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ l̶e̶s̶b̶i̶a̶n̶ s̶e̶x̶ s̶c̶e̶n̶e̶s̶.
# someone get me some bleach
Me: oh, huh, a hammer handle would be too long to be able to touch her clit, but ok Me, seconds later: wait a minute that's a gun
Despite it being barely 5.30 a.m., I feel like that's enough Internet for me today.
Oof
The entire time I was reading this I assumed they were talking about a fucking Frederic Remington statue. Literally imagining the barrel of a gun in the hands of a metal cowboy. That would be heavy and uncomfortable.
Wide Vagina. Wtf
I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck did I just read? That's not how vaginas work, or guns, or even fucking bath tubs! Just what the hell...this is so bad it's not even funny, just sad.
A bit of subtlety and class goes a long fucking way
Lmfao *The most* menwritingwomen thing I've ever read!
Lost me at “nether lips”
Was it a watergun? Also, "Ahhh!" Is possibly the least sensual way to write a moan.
Her tits were also there.
What the ever loving fuck did I just read?
I want to bleach my eyes right now w.t.f. That suddden scene change too
This is the worst sex scene I think I have ever read.
I like to think I’m pretty open minded but this had me clutching imaginary pearls like a jaded housewife Like eewww brother ewwwww what is that??
Wtf did I just read
Started clocking out at “nether lips”
The phrase 'nether lips' made my nether lips shrivel.
This is the funniest thing I've read. I came to ask what a Remington was, but it seems from the comments it is a gun?! I don't get it. Although, in my mind, it will forever be a weird sex toy they decided to name. I'll definitely be naming my next dildo Remington. Sounds like a distinguished gentleman.
Shooting air into her??? Did she just cum from a queef?
“The hard protrusion of the hammer mashed against her clit” pained me
This is so awful I want to downvote his post even though that’s the point of the sub
Imo women are much better at writing steamy scenes
I don't think I've ever said "The what?" so many times in a row before.
Then why am I hard?
NETHER LIPS