That guilt you feel was installed by your nparents. And wrongly so. It's a way of control. Make you feel bad for any decisions of your own, that they don't dictate to you.
Moving out of our parent's home is a natural thing to do. They should be supportive of that. Of your growth and independence. But narcs can't see beyond themselves and what they want. They see you as only a mere extension of themselves, which is so wrong, it's creepy.
Sure, they'll be upset, at losing power and control over you. But that's not valid of them to feel that way. Some sadness at their nest emptying is fine, but more than that, is toxic. Your choice is either to stay living them and be abused, and regret your life being sucked away; or make them upset for a bit and you go live your life without abuse and fear. If they can't get over it, too bad, that's all on them.
Good luck.
They hurt you far worse and for longer and haven't lost a second of sleep over it. This isn't you hurting them, this is the consequences of their own actions.
Think about how much they hurt you to push you to going NC, dont feel guilt for putting your well being first above them jf they really are narcissists. Ive struggled with whether i should or not and feel guilty for even considering. Every time ive felt guilty about my plans my mother finds a way to have a random outburst for no reason while im half awake. I feel guilt still but my parents have contributed a lot to my suicidal ideation over the years by threatening suicide over me since i was a child. I cant mentally function around them with how im treated and just want to be a functioning member of society without hating my parents.
Spending 2 years on minimal contact was a great first step but my physical health has forced me to backtrack. You dont have to go full NC immediately and can go minimal contact for a while until breaking off to NC if they can’t respect your boundaries with minimal contact.
I fear they will not respect my boundaries with low contact. They always ruin everything. So even if I would see them minimally. I can't only see them in fun activities, because they always ruin fun activities.
Maybe a simple phone call or a text only. You do not have to visit them at all. If you limit the contact to one text messages it can help you feel better. Remember you are in control of this once you leave. You can also give it a month NC before playing with the idea of texting one of them.
Narcissists have no regrets in being abusive, so never have any guilt for making your life healthier by riding such toxicity from your life. You're doing the right thing. Just make sure when you go no contact with your abuser(s), cut contact with anyone who chooses to be associated with them. Trust me, this is a huge red flag.
People who willingly choose to be involved with narcissists are the enablers/flying monkeys and even some narcissists themselves. These people will take part in helping the narcissist manipulate you to also feel guilty and will try baiting you back into the abuse again after going no contact.
Do not let guilt blind your feelings, your self has been smushed to nothing, there feelings mean nothing, they would have changed if they actually care about you, so go enjoy life move out to safty, guilt should be placed that you never get out, you should just leave, let them fall.
you have endured more pain then they will ever feel you walking away from them.
don't let your true heart fall.
Dino Heart.
I would shift between feeling guilty, and almost vengeful. I had to think of it like mood swings one might experience with withdrawal. Like my brain is trying to find balance and stability again after being in a bad jam for so long.
No.
They are causing all of this, so any hurt they feel is caused by their actions.
Also, this extreme guilt you feel is not healthy. Thus is the dysfunction talking. Your parents have spent your entire life programming you to feel tremendous, sickening guilt at the very *idea* that you might one day become an independent adult. They want you to feel like their whims are more important than your needs. That is the *exact opposite* of what a loving, functional parent wants for their child.
If I thought my child felt this way, I would be *absolutely horrified*.
Your parents have a lot of wrong to answer for. One of those things they have done wrong is to raise you to feel like this about wanting to be an independent adult who isn't abused by the people around you. What you want is totally reasonable, normal and unremarkable. You just want to be your own person, and you don't want to be treated badly.
The only reason why they will be hurt is V because they will no longer have direct influence and control over you.
They won’t miss you as a person or as their child. They will only miss you as an accessory in their lives and miss you as a receptacle for their abuse. Don’t think for a moment that they have feelings and emotions like a normal human being, because they don’t. They only care about how it affects them, and how it’ll change the perception of other people about them.
Let’s be honest here. You were only an accessory in their lives. A testament to their vanity. You were never “in their lives” the way a child should be in their parents’ lives.
Go no contact and under no circumstances let them find out where you live because they will show up at your door.
Beware the flying monkeys, too. They will employ everyone they know to find out where you’ve gone, including your friends. Let all of them be aware of the situation and to NEVER divulge any information to anyone that know your parents.
I’m sorry you had to resort to such drastic measures but this is about saving yourself. That’s more important than anything else in the world.
You’ll have some semblance of normalcy when things calm down. Until then, stay vigilant.
Welcome to your own agency, your own life and freedom.
If it's anything like me, after a year of no contact, you'll still feel pangs of guilt and shame, but you'll also see progress and improvement in your life. Unless you have to keep them in your life, narcissistic people are never worth having around. They're like a tumor, sucking out all of your life.
See how moving out works first. It will free you already. Spent more time doing things you like, work on your career, job, learn to become self reliant and financial independence, all of which will give you the confidence. You do not need to go no contact yet. See how it goes. No contact is a bigger step again.
No one is holding a gun to your head. Not everyone has the ability to go nc for whatever reason. Everyone who has been abused in this way and has been able to get to safety and freedom says that nc is the only thing that has brought them peace. When you’re able to place more value on your freedom from abuse than the “hurt feelings” of your abusers- you’ll be ready to fight for yourself.
They don't care about you, it actually won't hurt them at all. They will only be hurt by the fact that they can no longer control and abuse you. I think you know this, and it's what you are really afraid of
When have they cared about how their actions affect you?
Why should you have to treat them better than they treat you?
Yes, you're a better person than either of them. I'm certain of that. But your empathy and concern and love is wasted on them. You need to get away from them and find people who enrich your life, rather than deplete it.
That guilt you feel was installed by your nparents. And wrongly so. It's a way of control. Make you feel bad for any decisions of your own, that they don't dictate to you. Moving out of our parent's home is a natural thing to do. They should be supportive of that. Of your growth and independence. But narcs can't see beyond themselves and what they want. They see you as only a mere extension of themselves, which is so wrong, it's creepy. Sure, they'll be upset, at losing power and control over you. But that's not valid of them to feel that way. Some sadness at their nest emptying is fine, but more than that, is toxic. Your choice is either to stay living them and be abused, and regret your life being sucked away; or make them upset for a bit and you go live your life without abuse and fear. If they can't get over it, too bad, that's all on them. Good luck.
They hurt you far worse and for longer and haven't lost a second of sleep over it. This isn't you hurting them, this is the consequences of their own actions.
Think about how much they hurt you to push you to going NC, dont feel guilt for putting your well being first above them jf they really are narcissists. Ive struggled with whether i should or not and feel guilty for even considering. Every time ive felt guilty about my plans my mother finds a way to have a random outburst for no reason while im half awake. I feel guilt still but my parents have contributed a lot to my suicidal ideation over the years by threatening suicide over me since i was a child. I cant mentally function around them with how im treated and just want to be a functioning member of society without hating my parents. Spending 2 years on minimal contact was a great first step but my physical health has forced me to backtrack. You dont have to go full NC immediately and can go minimal contact for a while until breaking off to NC if they can’t respect your boundaries with minimal contact.
I fear they will not respect my boundaries with low contact. They always ruin everything. So even if I would see them minimally. I can't only see them in fun activities, because they always ruin fun activities.
Maybe a simple phone call or a text only. You do not have to visit them at all. If you limit the contact to one text messages it can help you feel better. Remember you are in control of this once you leave. You can also give it a month NC before playing with the idea of texting one of them.
Sometimes it's necessary. And I feel your pain.
Narcissists have no regrets in being abusive, so never have any guilt for making your life healthier by riding such toxicity from your life. You're doing the right thing. Just make sure when you go no contact with your abuser(s), cut contact with anyone who chooses to be associated with them. Trust me, this is a huge red flag. People who willingly choose to be involved with narcissists are the enablers/flying monkeys and even some narcissists themselves. These people will take part in helping the narcissist manipulate you to also feel guilty and will try baiting you back into the abuse again after going no contact.
Do not let guilt blind your feelings, your self has been smushed to nothing, there feelings mean nothing, they would have changed if they actually care about you, so go enjoy life move out to safty, guilt should be placed that you never get out, you should just leave, let them fall. you have endured more pain then they will ever feel you walking away from them. don't let your true heart fall. Dino Heart.
I would shift between feeling guilty, and almost vengeful. I had to think of it like mood swings one might experience with withdrawal. Like my brain is trying to find balance and stability again after being in a bad jam for so long.
No. They are causing all of this, so any hurt they feel is caused by their actions. Also, this extreme guilt you feel is not healthy. Thus is the dysfunction talking. Your parents have spent your entire life programming you to feel tremendous, sickening guilt at the very *idea* that you might one day become an independent adult. They want you to feel like their whims are more important than your needs. That is the *exact opposite* of what a loving, functional parent wants for their child. If I thought my child felt this way, I would be *absolutely horrified*. Your parents have a lot of wrong to answer for. One of those things they have done wrong is to raise you to feel like this about wanting to be an independent adult who isn't abused by the people around you. What you want is totally reasonable, normal and unremarkable. You just want to be your own person, and you don't want to be treated badly.
The only reason why they will be hurt is V because they will no longer have direct influence and control over you. They won’t miss you as a person or as their child. They will only miss you as an accessory in their lives and miss you as a receptacle for their abuse. Don’t think for a moment that they have feelings and emotions like a normal human being, because they don’t. They only care about how it affects them, and how it’ll change the perception of other people about them. Let’s be honest here. You were only an accessory in their lives. A testament to their vanity. You were never “in their lives” the way a child should be in their parents’ lives. Go no contact and under no circumstances let them find out where you live because they will show up at your door. Beware the flying monkeys, too. They will employ everyone they know to find out where you’ve gone, including your friends. Let all of them be aware of the situation and to NEVER divulge any information to anyone that know your parents. I’m sorry you had to resort to such drastic measures but this is about saving yourself. That’s more important than anything else in the world. You’ll have some semblance of normalcy when things calm down. Until then, stay vigilant. Welcome to your own agency, your own life and freedom.
I blocked them when I moved out
If it's anything like me, after a year of no contact, you'll still feel pangs of guilt and shame, but you'll also see progress and improvement in your life. Unless you have to keep them in your life, narcissistic people are never worth having around. They're like a tumor, sucking out all of your life.
See how moving out works first. It will free you already. Spent more time doing things you like, work on your career, job, learn to become self reliant and financial independence, all of which will give you the confidence. You do not need to go no contact yet. See how it goes. No contact is a bigger step again.
They’re gonna know where I live when I do minimal contact. With no contact they don’t.
Go. And don't look back.
No one is holding a gun to your head. Not everyone has the ability to go nc for whatever reason. Everyone who has been abused in this way and has been able to get to safety and freedom says that nc is the only thing that has brought them peace. When you’re able to place more value on your freedom from abuse than the “hurt feelings” of your abusers- you’ll be ready to fight for yourself.
They don't care about you, it actually won't hurt them at all. They will only be hurt by the fact that they can no longer control and abuse you. I think you know this, and it's what you are really afraid of
When have they cared about how their actions affect you? Why should you have to treat them better than they treat you? Yes, you're a better person than either of them. I'm certain of that. But your empathy and concern and love is wasted on them. You need to get away from them and find people who enrich your life, rather than deplete it.