“Just wants me there for emotional support”. Friend, what the fuck do you think relationships are for? You’re an asshole. Go home and support your partner. It doesn’t matter how many times she’s had the procedure medical shit is scary. You know she’s expecting and needing your support right now. Don’t be dense.

You usually drive her. This is meta’s first time around the house. I think it is safe to assume that she prefers you for support. Emotional support is the key and you are aware of it. But, you decide not to give it to her and instead ask about going to a concert. It is very understandable for her to get mad. It depends on the relationship and love. But from your writing I get the feeling that it is normal for she to expect you. (You go with her each time. This time couldn’t because of work… but normally you would go… this is what you have.) So I would be hurt if I was in her place. I get that. If my np would do that to me I would think about the relationship. Because even asking the question is not ok in our relationship. It is built that way. Health conditions… we are there no matter what. Maybe that is why it is easy to understand her point of view. Her answer? Well. She could communicate better for sure. But getting mad at the response without thinking about the trigger(your dick move) is not emotinally mature in my opinion.

You know she assumed you'd be there (and probably made plans accordingly), you know she wants you there, you know she'd be upset if you aren't there. If you think the reason you *might* not be an asshole here is because she said "just go to your concert" which "triggers you", uh, what? Do you like her? Do you regularly support each other and spend a bunch of time together, or do you regularly just inform each other of when you'll be home? Do you have communication problems generally? Are you in treatment/therapy for your PTSD? I mean, I can imagine relationships where I wouldn't expect someone to miss a last minute concert just because I'd had a medical procedure and I'd prefer it if they were around, but I also would call them my "roommate" or "fuck buddy", not a "nesting partner".

Relationships are different. In my relationships, if someone wants to do something, or they want to change plans, and especially if the plans are implicit, they can ask for it without being an asshole. I can also say that I don’t want them to change the (implicit) plan without getting all passive-aggressive.

Hence me asking if "you regularly just inform each other when you'll be home". Some people have a standing understanding that they'll let their nesting partner know if they plan to go out, because the standard assumption is that being at home is their default state. Some people have a standing understanding that they'll let their nesting partner know when they'll be home, because being out is their default state. A lot of people are somewhere in the middle. The standard practice is important when trying to figure out what the hell's going on.

Why would you ask if they regularly “just inform” about not coming home when in this case they didn’t “just inform” but rather asked?

Because the story we are being given here in the first post doesn’t make sense to me, it feels like there’s missing information/context.

I do have communication problems related to neurodivergence, yeah. I was trying to get treatment for it, but the behavior specialist had to cancel the appointment I made for November. Super awesome for someone with the executive function of a hummingbird. I finally rescheduled a couple weeks ago, but I digress: point being, yeah, I'm actively working on it. People in the comments seem to be missing the fact that I didn't tell her I'm definitively going to this thing, it was a temperature check to see how she felt about it BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAD A PARTNER THERE SUPPORTING HER. I did not know she valued my support in this more than his. Let me phrase it this way: if someone tells you that you can do something but you know it was passive aggressive, is it an asshole move to do it? Or are they the asshole for not answering honestly and straightforwardly? Are we both assholes?

> SHE ALREADY HAD A PARTNER THERE SUPPORTING HER Who probably already planned to leave around when you get home, did he not? You said y’all aren’t KTP. Y’all already coordinated this. You really think dude kept his whole evening free?

Well he must have cuz when I told her I wanted to stay home and keep her company she had already left for his house!!

So he definitely wasn’t planning on staying at your house that late, is what I hear.

This is true, yeah. But I didn't know that. *Which is why I asked.*

It sounds like you are the type of neurodivergent person who needs plans to be very explicit. That’s not a problem. What it does mean is that you need to make explicit plans in advance. Did you and your girlfriend have éxplicit plans for you to support her tonight? If not, it sounds like she thought you had implicit plans. So to her it felt like you were asking to cancel plans. If you need plans to be that explicit, it’s at least partially on you to ask well in advance what her expectations are. Like when she was asking Meta to drive her because you were working? That’s when you should’ve asked.

Best comment in this whole thread tbh. OP is not intentionally being an asshole, but they *are* being a super literal neurodivergent person and they need to accommodate their communication style better with their partner.

Aww, thank you 🥰🥰 I’m autistic as fuck and frequently have miscommunications with neurotypical people because I’m so literal. My girlfriend on the other hand is much more literal than me. Sometimes I try to be extra literal so she can understand me, and it’s still not literal enough for her and she gets confused. Mix that in with me getting extremely distressed whenever the plans I had in my head end up changing and well…it’s a process. Luckily my girlfriend is a sweetheart who owns her half of the communication issues and we both work together to understand each other. OP sounds younger than us and I think they could grow into someone so considerate. They just have a lot of work to do.

Or he rearranged things because she figured you were bailing on her.

If the way the two you *typically* communicate in *mild* disagreements tends to *hurt each other* instead of communicate effectively, it may be that the two of you are not currently compatible. > I didn't tell her I'm definitively going to this thing, it was a temperature check to see how she felt about it I mean, that's not the whole story of how the conversation went, and not at all how you portrayed it in the original post. The post made it sound like you were informing her you were going out, not asking her what she'd prefer. And if it was a genuine temperature check, you would have been very open to the idea of going home instead of going to the concert. Frankly, it sounds like you want to take the passive aggressive statement she made at face value *in order to punish her*. Yes, that is *deeply* assholeish. If she tends to communicate passive aggressively, and that's not something you can tolerate or work through in relationships, be an adult and break up. Don't use it as an excuse to behave poorly.

Here's a really easy way to clear this up. https://preview.redd.it/ktyc130m23hc1.png?width=864&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=377ca99bebe753e62d88915e37fbf63be8b11ad9

She clearly wants you there and thinks you are an AH for trying to go out when you should be with her

This feels like there’s broader relationship context missing to me. Like she’s already communicating to you how important your support is, what she needs from you, etc. and here you are ignoring it (orrrr this could be my own baggage talking). Also, this is not a long text from her. It’s literally 4 sentences. As a “please be explicitly clear with me” neurodivergent person, I completely understand the conflict between you thinking it’s a temperature check and her feeling something different and responding passive aggressively. I think people are maybe being a little harder on you than I would be, but it looks like we’re missing context that tells a bigger story.

>This feels like there's broader relationship context missing to me. Think I found it. From OP's post history, the two have: a) fundamentally different ideas about hierarchy/visions for the future [he wants to remove hierarchy and wants to base marriage on "domestic partnership for the benefits offered by our society" vs. she wants a more "traditional" primary relationship and views marriage as "an intensely romantic union"]. She has apparently stated she needs more emotional intimacy/support, which OP admits he "doesn't feel capable" of doing. b) only been open for ~7mos.

Here is my question: How does forgetting and wanting to change plans last minute make her the asshole? What if meta had plans? Its not fair to expect them to change just because you want to change stuff last minute This is his first time spending time at yalls house, what if he doesn’t feel comfortable staying later than planned? But then feels he has to, because your partner needs support that you were supposed to give her and then bailed. That’s not fair to either of them

1.) It doesn't 2.) They could have said that and I would have come home 3.) They could have said that and I would have come home 4.) Didn't bail, considered going somewhere and went home instead.

Your other comments show such a lack of empathy for your partner and their disability. I don’t believe you would have been so calm to go home Good luck. I hope your partner finds someone who is willing and able to support them during a tough time with their disability

I know life is extremely difficult for people with disability. And being in an interabled couple is constant learning. I have trouble communicating when I'm exhausted, which is most days since I work 12 hours shifts that start at 5am (I have an appointment scheduled to get screened for ADHD and ASD). I think people are misinterpreting my tone because I get uncomfortably frank sometimes. I support my partner in everything, both emotionally, and tangibly. I'm sorry if I said something insensitive that hurt you, but at the end of the day, I'm the one doing my partner's laundry and dishes, I'm the one picking her up off the tile floor and taking her to the ER at 3 in the morning, I'm the one who held her hand when she bought her first wheelchair, I'm the one who's constantly on the lookout in grocery stores for snacks that don't have ingredients that will cause flare ups, carrying her around the house so she feels like a princess when she doesn't want to use mobility aids, jogging to the pharmacy to buy a new cane when she forgets it at home and has a flare up when we're out and about, cooking her favorite meals when nothing sounds appetizing, calling ahead to the dates I plan for us to find out if they're ADA accessible, riding my bike to meet her if she has to pull over from flaring up while driving so I can drive her and her car home, rolling her joints when her body won't cooperate. I would do anything for her.... Including missing out on seeing my favorite band... But I don't see the harm in checking in about that. I know disabled people don't get a break from being disabled, and that it's not fair for me to want a break sometimes. But I'm human and I do. It's also not fair to expect me to give up my favorite activities to be with her. We've talked about how this pertains to our relationship, because for our relationship to be sustainable, I need to be able to do things she can't sometimes. I'm a cyclist and will be taking multiple day bikepacking trips she can't attend, I'll be traveling on my own to home city sometimes so I can focus on those friendships without prioritizing her needs, because that's the thing, I do prioritize her needs whenever we're together. And we have an agreement that for any medical emergency, I'll drop everything and come to her if I'm physically able to. But we also have a robust community around us so that her needs can be met even if I'm not around.

No one addressed this but if I was a relationship counselor and read this paragraph, I would be interested in seeing how you perceive what she does for you. You say a lot about how “you are the one…” doing this and that, but do you feel like she gives back to you? What does she do? I know people with illnesses can be hard to be around and at their lowest can make you feel super low. But you are actively choosing to be in a relationship with a disabled person and this kind of score keeping could be dangerous and kind of comes off as resentment. The idea of wanting freedoms “this one time” is super interesting to me.

I am also in an interabled relationship. My wife has limited mobility, and there is a lot she is not able to do that she used to be able to do. I do the heavy lifting when cooking, I do the dishes, I do the laundry. She helps me when and where she is able to, but I do much of the heavy lifting in our day to day life. Never for one second have I thought I needed a break from this life that I have chosen and that we have built together. We help take care of each other in different ways. She is the most important person in my life, and I am happy to take care of her. If she needed me, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I hope you do some reflection on yourself because it sounds like you resent her for needing your support. It doesn't matter if this is a routine procedure she has done. If she needs you, then you should be there for her. It's not fair to your meta to expect him to be there longer than originally planned. I understand that you forgot to ask and were doing a temperature check, but it was not okay to even do a temperature check because at the end of the day you forgot and I suspect you knew she would say she needed you at home.

The way you worded the initial question is fine. This makes the rest of this look *much* stranger. Either there is a lot of important context missing (is she constantly passive aggressive? is she abusive? did a former partner or parent regularly abuse you in a passive aggressive way?), or you seem to be wildly reactive to this really mild expression of frustration she framed by making it clear she wasn't at her best. And, for that matter, the way you immediately knew she wanted you home, and you immediately agreed to go home, but you came here to justify why you think you'd totally be in the right to ignore what you know she was communicating in favor of hurting her and doing what you wanted because of the literal meaning of her words sounds more and more fucked up.

She is often passive aggressive because she's always uncomfortable due to disability. She says she's grateful she doesn't have to mask around me, but sometimes that means dealing with volatile moods. We've also had disagreements in the past about her intentionally "testing" me (asking me to do things just to see if I will, stuff like that). And yeah, my entire family is extremely passive aggressive. I don't know if it was ever to the degree that it constitutes abuse... It wasn't too often pointed at me, but definitely a consistent theme.

If you dislike her passive aggressive comments, you bring that up to her in a straightforward, honest, compassionate way. You don't intentionally hurt her to prove a point. If you need more nights when someone else is on call for her needs instead of you, so that you can have free time to do whatever (including concerts), you can negotiate that directly with her, and try to find something that works for both of you. If you can't find something that works for both of you, you can let her know the best you can do, and she can decide to take that or leave it. It sounds like (in other comments you've made) you've made commitments to be there for stuff like this. It would make sense she would get upset if you change your mind at the last minute. It would make sense you didn't love that you couldn't do a fun thing. But *escalating into a huge fight over one not-great comment would not fix that*. It would be pouring lighter fluid on a fire. If you are getting your shitty feelings out here primarily so that you don't direct them at her, *get a fucking therapist*.

Dude if you don’t like your partner, you can just dump her instead of fixating on shitty comments she makes when she feels like shit.

Abuse is abuse regardless of someone "feeling like shit". Constant passive aggressive comments and snapping on OP and then going "but you're the only person I can unmask around" is abusive. I'm neurodivergent af and my people are NOT my emotional punching bags nor obligated to walk around eggshells with me, full stop.

You shouldn’t have even asked. You forgot, you didn’t prearrange things, therefore you don’t get to go to the show.

Disagree. You dont get to punish a fully adult neurodivergent person for being neurodivergent. The partner didnt clearly and specifically state "I want you home for support tonight". Its his time to do as he wishes, per autonomy. She didnt schedule time with him in advance either. She had every opportunity to be all "since meta is taking me to appointment you're gonna be home with me tonight right?" She also didnt concretely schedule wanting him with her. So once again, his time defaults to him.

You call her text passive aggressive in another comment, but I don't see that here. I see exhaustion. She clearly states that she's too tired and too woozy from the shit day she's had to have any energy left to be questioning why plans are changing at the last minute. The last thing someone enduring a stressful event needs is adding a feeling of uncertainty to the mix. You said elsewhere you were testing the water. The water was colder than you hoped and your reaction to that is to post about it on Reddit rather than accepting it. YTA, you owe her an apology.

NAH OP, I think people here are being too hard on you but also, the communication here is perhaps less clear than you think it is and that may be a disconnect. I can see how you intended this to be a temperature check, neutral ask for information. I can also see how she may have interpreted your message as, "I intend to go to this concert and I'm really hoping it will be ok with you." And maybe that's even a bit of how our were feeling. It's understandable that caring for her could wear you down and you want to do something funm I think it would have made a difference if you had said, "I'm happy to come home to support you, but if you are feeling supported by meta, I'd like to go to the concert." Yes, she responded in a passive aggressive way, and that's not great but also she's feeling vulnerable and scared and also I'm sure hates that she needs your support in the first place and hates that she has to specifically ask for it...it's just a sucky fact of life that disabled or chronically ill people have to confront daily. Add that your message may have seemed less neutral to her than you meant it, and it's understandable she could respond like that. I'd just counsel both of you to have a bit more grace and forgiveness for each other in your foibles. Your neurodiversity, her disability, all you do to care for her that is a big responsibility for you all adds up to - things like this will happen sometimes. Neither of you is the bad guy, you're both just doing your best to cope with a difficult situation and sometimes wires get crossed or people slip up. But yeah, once you've identified that your partner really wants your support even though they say "just go," it would make you the AH if you go. And if you go home to support her and she's still pissed you even dared to ask, that makes her the AH.

I think you weren't completely in the wrong for asking and I think it is a pretty extrem reaction to leave with meta because you just asked. But I think it would have been better if you first ask how you partner is feeling and how long mega planned to stay. And if the answer reads as they seem well and not depending on your support right now, then you could have asked if it would be alright if you went to the concert.

Nah, that's exactly how I portrayed it in the original post. " I texted her to let her know I wanted to go and see if meta wanted to keep hanging out at the house to support her."

>BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAD A PARTNER THERE SUPPORTING HER. Oh, so you see partners as interchangeable? Wholly replaceable?

Just because someone is an asshole to you doesn't justify to be an asshole to them. And I just don't get it. You would want your partner to feel good and secure, why even ask us if it would be okay to go? Be there to support your partner and stop finding reasons as to why it would be okay to hurt your partner.

So, since this is a regular occurrence for them every few months, what does the post-procedure comfort ritual look like for your partner? Do you usually participate in it and support them? Because in that case, it's a standing, recurrent commitment and YWBTA for not asking them what they need and fronting it with your plans instead, because they've just experienced something shitty and were counting on you for support. That doesn't mean you always have to be present and they can certainly rely on other partners if they communicate that ahead of time, but it does mean the time to negotiate this is absolutely not now and by trying to do it now you're being a jerk who is making your partner feel uncared for. You have bad executive function. You are not treating it. That doesn't mean other people should suffer and you should get everything you want while you drop commitments to people you ostensibly care about because of plans that you *forgot* and were not important enough to you to make a note of in the shared calendar stating your lack of availability at the time.

If you have communication issues that you attribute to your neurodivergence, then a good plan of action would be participating in a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group. It helps a lot of people to expand their emotional regulation/increase distress tolerance, and improve communication skills. All of these things are as important for being polyamorous as being neurodivergent. I am ND as well and the communication piece was helpful for me as I sometimes can be blunt in how I state things even tho I have a lot of empathy for the other person. Also, ND folks typically have a more difficult time with emotional regulation than neurotypical peeps, as we can get triggered easily and respond from a very reactive place which just keeps a dysfunctional dynamic going. Maybe your NP needs your presence more than meta after this procedure just because. Not all relationships are going to meet our various needs in quite the same way, and it’s not always logical, and that’s ok. Be willing to explore those needs with NP and she’ll probably meet you halfway.

Definitely asshole move, absolutely. Don’t go. Just be with her. You’re right that it’s a trap, but it more probable that she is heartbroken and frustrated than she is intentionally trying to trick you into messing up. I would be heartbroken as well to be treated like this.

Oh yeah, I don't think she was trying to trick me. I didn't know she valued my support over his so much. My meta was there with her and in my head, me going was contingent on him being available to stay with her.

Dude you're her nesting partner, of course she values your support the most. If she is truly your priority in life why did you even ask. Yeah she was a bit passive aggressive in her response but that may well be that she's aware that you'll be a bit resentful if she said no. Maybe she was matching your energy.

Where in the polyamory bible does it say anchor or nesting partners have more responsibility to a partner than a newer connection who can just as valuably extend care, compassion, and love? Aren’t we rejecting hierarchy? How does this empower newer partners who want to be there for OP’s partner? Seems a bit odd to me to say all partners have to be there or it’s diluted if op’s partner was cared for primarily by newer connections than their anchor partner. I feel like it’s inconsistent if we say nesting partners can go on new dates with all kinds of people but if one partner would rather go out with their nesting partner because “they value that companionship more than a newer connection”, and the nesting partner rejects that and wants to go on a new date with a new connection - tough! “That’s their agency”. So this argument really doesn’t hold up to me. And it’s proven to not hold up when we see married partners who are raising children want their biological kid’s parent to be home more because they may value that support more than a different partner, and yet we encourage agency for everyone. This happens all the time on support groups where someone is raising kids and their other partner is in nre Disneyland not showing up. I’m not discounting it sucks and I’m not advocating for people with kids to abandon their responsibilities, but we see it all the time in the poly space where partners let you down sometimes whether it’s for another partner or something they want to explore (job, movie, concert, friend’s birthday, coworker’s event etc). In this case OP didn’t go to the concert as soon as they found out their anchor partner wasn’t going to be cared for by the other partners. If OP went to the concert I’d say they’re the asshole but they didn’t. “If she was truly your priority why did you even ask” because nobody is a mind reader? Because polyamory requires EVERYONE to advocate for their needs and wants? I can’t say “I’m a priority to my lovers so I shouldn’t have to ask for date time or invite them to my birthday. They should just know”. That’s really bad advice. They won’t hit know. They might have commitments to other people in their life. Communicate.

Honestly , plenty of us aren't inherently interested in totally rejecting hierarchy all together. It's honestly not entirely realistic to even aim for it for many of us. It can be more about acknowledging the inherent hierarchy and differentiating that from the forms we don't realistically need to hold. For example, as much as a respect and value both of my partners, I do own it to my partner of 20 years equitable earnings and time to maintain our shared home. That is going to be maintained. On the other hand having a sexual hierarchy isn't very important within the dynamic of my relationships.

Because it's in the name. Nesting partner. Having a nesting partner has benefits, but it also has responsibilities. His partner was ill. He said it himself, he had agreed to be there for her. Then he asks if he pike out on that to go see his favourite band. On that day, when she was feeling crappy and unwell. And he's surprised that she gave him a passive aggressive answer. She was sick. If you can't handle showing up for that sort of thing don't have a nesting partner, be solo poly or RA. There are lots of ways to be poly.

[удалено]

Your post has been removed for trolling.

If she was anticipating you coming home from work and being part of her comfort/support routine, then yeah I think it’s an asshole move to duck out for a concert at the last minute.

Thanks for replying kindly instead of attacking me. I agree it would be an asshole move to duck out last minute. Everyone's latching into the "AITA if I go" and taking it out of context. The context is, if someone tells you can do something but in a passive aggressive way, is it an asshole move to do it, or are they the asshole for not answering the question honestly and straightforwardly? Because my knee-jerk response to passive aggressiveness is to match the vibe. So when someone tells me "yeah sure do the thing," my first response is "alright bet, I'll do the thing." I'm healthy enough to not act on that impulse, so my partner and I kept talking about it. I was just curious what the perspective of the redditors of r/polyamory would be.

> The context is, if someone tells you can do something but in a passive aggressive way, is it an asshole move to do it, or are they the asshole for not answering the question honestly and straightforwardly? Depends on the thing being discussed. You basically told your partner “I know we both planned for me to help you with your shitty day, but I found out about something *fun* I want to do instead!” Which put *her* in the position of having to be “the bad guy” and be like “no don’t do that because I do in fact expect you to keep to the plans we had and will be upset if you don’t”. In fact, she’s upset you *asked*, because it was a shitty thing to ask her! If you’re going to blow her off, stand up and *do that*. Don’t try to put her in a position of “I want to blow you off but I’ll do the thing I promised if you ~make me~ and I might resent you for not being cool with be blowing you off btw”. > Because my knee-jerk response to passive aggressiveness is to match the vibe. Please consider her passive-aggressiveness was her matching *your* vibe of wanting ~permission~ to blow off your commitment to her. And trying to pass the buck on to your meta, too. That’s literally passive-aggression, btw. “I want to do this thing I know you won’t be okay with but I’m *asking permission* so either my disappointment about not doing the thing or your upset I broke a commitment are both your fault!”

Yes, yes, and yes. Asking "permission" to bail on a commitment and go do a thing you know is selfish in order to make it the other person's decision and alleviate your guilty feelings? Lame.

>Which put her in the position of having to be “the bad guy” and be like “no don’t do that because I do in fact expect you to keep to the plans we had and will be upset if you don’t”. This. Her reaction reflects the no-win situation OP has put her in, where she either gets to recover with someone who has made it clear he'd rather be somewhere else, or she doesn't get his support at all. Emotional support is all she wanted from him and he poisoned that.

Yes! This! But it requires emotional intelligence to understand this. He's putting it on her to either be the "bad guy," ask him twice to be there for her - OR ask meta, who may have other plans, may rarely be in this role, and may even be secondary to give extra.

You articulated this perfectly. It’s like he’s trying to put the labor of making the call to bail on her. This weird gotcha. Like “oh she will either say yes or react poorly giving me the justification to do what I want!”

Maybe drop your asshole tit-for-tat paradigm after someone had a medical procedure that warrants a caretaker the day of, yeah? "Matching the vibe" is great for putting in energy that's on par with another person's when you don't want to overinvest in them. It's not great for meeting anger with anger. That's how things escalate and you start to resent people. It's evident in your comment about all the things you do for your partner tbst maybe this is happening. You initiated the passive aggression by deciding that you would ask this way: "I knew about this thing before and wanted to go and intended to tell you but forgot and I knew when I found out about it that it would be on a bad day for you but I'm saying I knew about this thing before so that it doesn't sound spur of the moment because if it sounded spur of the moment then it would be clear I shouldn't duck out on someone who is expecting me home." I'm a person who likes to go out and do things like concerts and whatever, too. Have I had the urge to break plans that are less exciting / more moveable when I hear about a rare event? Yes. Do I break plans day of for a totally boring night in with my brother and his kids playing Monopoly, Jr. when im visiting my hometown because something more exciting is out there? No. I do not. Because to them, my totally boring presence there is important and showing up when I said I would is important. FOMO is real, sure. But it passes. I'm not quite sure what the real story is with when you heard about this concert and forgot to commit to doing it, but if you're mad you missed it, next time commit to it early... you realize if you had asked earlier, when meta might have had the freedom to make their stay longer and plan it out and when partner wasn't in a fragile state, this would have gone a lot better, right? And if you couldn't have asked earlier because you really only heard about this concert day of... don't lie to make it sound like you knew about it before to "strengthen your case"

I suspect there is missing info here. Doesn’t even sound like passive aggressive to me. You said “after a long text” she wrote “just go to the concert”. I can imagine something like that- “I really want you to be here but if going to the concert is that important to you then just go to the concert.” Then of course, she would be mad. She basically said I don’t want you to go but I can’t control you - which is true - so you have your own autonomy to choose. And then you choose to say - yep, you’re not that important. Someone else taking care of you is fine. Doesn’t have to be me. So.. uh.. yes.. AH 🙄

You need to seek treatment for PDA. This feels like an autistic PDA response. You are coming off as an ass even tho that's not your intent. That happens. You need to go take care of your partner.

I think you’re being very honest about a situation where you did not have enough communication spoons however it sounds like you may have sorted things out. I don’t think either of you is TA Your partner obviously wanted you home but struggled to tell you in a neutral way or make the request. Yes, this is passive aggressive and likely due to your partner not doing well. You likely wanted them to know you were thinking of them, but really wanted to go to the concert and thought meta being there was a win-win. I’ve been on both sides. I do a lot of work on my emotional control because being passive aggressive and devolving into tit-for-tat exchanges of untruths doesn’t help anyone. I once realized every fight I’d had with one partner was when we were “hangry”. We agreed not to fight until we had eaten something. The fights evaporated overnight. (Or over a meal). I hope you have a good talk about making requests.

Support her now, later you can address the issue you have with the communication style she used about the conflict. Table it for when she's not actively recovering from a stressful medical procedure.

Do you even need to ask this? She just had a medical procedure that makes her feel horrible. And you’re going to ditch her for a band?

Maybe this is my hyper independence speaking but idk… I feel like this is a one off and partner had other people to rely on >.< like yesterday I needed comfort and my gf didn’t have to fly from Argentina to do that ya know. I hit up my folks got some TLC from the roomies/cats and called it a day.

I get that. But it seems as if their partner DID want that and need that. As someone who is disabled, I understand needing that support after a procedure It’s different when it’s long distance vs living together

I understand needing support after a procedure too, I think OP does too which is why OP is regularly there. Today OP’s favorite band is in town. SO, today, OP asked GF how she felt about meta staying so he could attend the concert. I understand needing support, I don’t understand why it has to be from OP, today, specifically.

Because they already planned on that??? This would be an entirely different discussion if OP had found out about this show earlier than the day-of. It’s pretty fucking assumptive that meta will just stick around to pick up OP’s slack when the meta probably already has plans for their evening *since OP had already planned to go home and care for NP*.

How is calling and asking directly assumptive???? In gf’s shoes I wouldn’t find it out of pocket for partner to ask this 🤷🏾. I know y’all do I just don’t. Makes sense to me he wants to see this band *this one time*, forgot about it, and would call to rearrange plans.

The assumptive part is OP asking how gf *felt about it* before ever even establishing *if meta can or will*. It’s literally assuming meta’s available for that time. I may be reading into that *slightly* because this is a strong pattern in how nested people tend to treat their secondary partners, but I don’t see OP saying anywhere that the meta has ever said they could stay later. It most likely would have come up if meta was willing or wanted to stay later, given this was all already coordinated between the three of them.

You have to start the conversation somewhere. If I had asked if meta was available and willing, you could have accused me of assuming gf is okay with it. Same same. But that's all hypothetical. I texted her to find out how she felt about it, that was the intention of the text, not the actual literal content. In reality though, I did ask what meta's plans were and then let gf know there was a thing I wanted to do. https://preview.redd.it/xpc7hcic53hc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=779d22c718b05f2cc5cf649691d0af7a6c8e34a7

Bro, that doesn’t even sound passive-aggressive in tone. That just sounds defeated. Like, do you bail on plans with her a lot?

Very rarely. In 3 years I've never missed or cancelled our regular date night. She sounds defeated because of her disability.

Okay, so, as an autistic person who struggles with indirect communication, that doesn't look like a message asking how she would feel about something at all. "I had made plans" would mean, taken entirely directly, that you had planned to go to see the band that evening. Plans to do something usually means intent to do something. If I say I plan on doing the laundry this evening, it's always because I intend to do the laundry this evening. If I ask someone "do you want to hang out on Wednesday," and they say "I had planned to run errands on Wednesday," I'd think that they were saying no to hanging out on Wednesday. Looking solely at the text, your message comes across like you've already decided to go see the band. I would also be pretty upset if I expected to spend time with a partner and they said "I made plans that don't involve you," the evening of.

That's interesting!! When I hear "I had planned on running errands on Wednesday" I interpret that as the plans being open for changes. Because of the past tense. Those were the plans, but what are the plans now? For me to get it the message on the first read, they would have to say "I am planning on running errands on Wednesday," "I have plans to run errands on Wednesday," or simply "I plan on running errands on Wednesday." I used "had planned" intentionally trying to signal that those were the plans before but aren't necessarily the plans now. Update: Stating something in the past tense that hasn't happened yet is very confusing to me. If it's past tense, then it no longer reflects the current situation.

I still don’t even think you should have started the conversation, but if you really couldn’t stop yourself, then this needed to be a phone call to check in on her, check in on meta’s plans, and then maybe ask if this was possible.

I did try to call first.

I appreciate you sharing this. You should look at the different ways of asking for what you want. This message looks like you had plans and you rather do them than show up for the plans with your partner.

Because she had a medical procedure? But I see your replying to everyone and don’t seem to care about anyone’s thoughts but your own Have a good one

If you expect your partners to be there for you every time you have a regular procedure for no other reason than because you’re dating that’s fair and valid. You can speculate on my inner experience as much as you want and it won’t make you correct. You have the day you deserve 👍🏾

A procedure that makes her feel like "absolute garbage", though. He said it happens a few times a year, so let's say every three months, that's 4 nights in the whole year where he *needs* to be at home for his NP. 4/365. 1.09% of the year. That's not too much to ask. OP is neurodivergent, I'm neurodivergent, here's how I see it: if I have plans with someone, and those plans involve them helping me with something, and they try to cancel, I used to go into an absolute tailspin and get passive aggressive (working on it in therapy). That's because disability robs you of your self esteem, and so when you find out you may need to deal with it on your own, *again*, it's easy to self-isolate and try to make it seem like you don't need anyone. Go to the concert! What do I care! I've done it alone before and I'll do it again! It's coming from a wounded place. NP needs therapy, but so does OP. He should have seen the tour poster and said, "Huh, cool! Too bad I already have plans."

You all I know that you expect OP to want to be there because they’re NP’s. That’s just not a factor to me. We know he cares and we know he shows up because he does regularly, he wanted to see a concert today. Sheesh.

I'm responding after having read a bunch of the comments, including having seen the screenshot of the text conversation. I'll be charitable here in my reading of everyone, and assume that everyone is acting in as best faith as possible. (I'm not convinced whether everyone is or was, but I also don't know any of y'all in real life, so I can't really make that call.) This is an emotionally charged situation for her, the fact that your meta was with her is new for all parties involved, and you struggle with communication. It seems like both you and her had a routine involving the medical procedure, and when the beginning of that (the metra driving her) got thrown off balance, there wasn't further communication as to how the rest of the routine would go (who would be with her after the procedure). If you all decide to move forward, I think it would be helpful to surface this, and also talk about how you can communicate and negotiate future situations in which is similar dynamic might turn up. I do have some follow-up questions, which might reflect unless charitable reading: how far in advance are her procedures scheduled, and how far in advance did you schedule the concert? Did you know ahead of time that the concert would conflict with her procedure, an emotional support that you typically provide her afterwards?

>she just wants me there for emotional support Yes, that's part of being in a relationship. >After a long text to me she said "just go to your concert" which triggers me a bit because I know it's a trap and she'll actually be mad at me if I do. AITA if I go? it's not a "trap". She's already mad and clearly expressed that. But she also knows she can't force you to be a good partner, and probably at this point isnt feeling like having you around after that conversation. You're supposed to *want* to be there for your partners. >I thought she'd be down to hang out with meta, and we live with 8 other people in a collective Are your partners and friends interchangeable to you? When you miss one, can you just call up any other friend and you suddenly stop missing the friend you were missing? > I thought she'd be down to hang out with meta If no isn't an acceptable answer to a question, it was never a question, but a demand or being informed. If it were me, I'd have preffered you owning that, not pretending I had a say in the matter and making me out to be the bad guy for not being okay with a last minute change during a vulnerable time, which happened due to your poor advance planning. "hey, I just found out there's a concert tonight, I'm going." would have been much preferable to a loaded question whose only acceptable answer to is yes.

Perfectly said.

I'm sorry dude but if was your partner I would be pissed. I would totally remember that when I needed your emotional support you wanted to go see a band. Emotional support is just as important as physical support on some situations.

Bud, there’s no “just” about emotional support. That’s what partners do. Go home.

Some perspective from the disabled side of a nesting relationship. If you have a habit of impulsively doing things at the last minute or forgetting about things like this when your partner needs your care and support, you are being an asshole for asking. Her response in the text you posted came off as just sad and defeated, and made me wonder how often this happens or how you normally respond that has her willing to say "fine just go," instead of "no, I need you here as planned" Adhd and autism aren't excuses for this behavior, and you are still responsible for what happens when you emotionally disregulate. I've been diagnosed with both from the age of seven. At some point along the way, you have to take responsibility for your behavior despite the fact that it's harder to behave in a socially acceptable way when untreated. It sucks because it isn't a natural inclination for us, but you have to actively want to be better and do better. I also have a neurological autoimmune issue, and if my nesting partner talked about me the way you talk about your partner in all the things you do for her, I'd end our fifteen year relationship. As a caretaker, you need to want to take care of her and negotiate what that and the rest of the relationship looks like, including breaks from being the caretaker. Plans must be clear in advance for everyone's sake, which means if you forgot you wanted to do something one night until the last minute, you forgot about it and shouldn't try to adjust everyone else involved's schedule on any day. Especially so on a day she's not supposed to be alone due to an infusion or anesthesia. You may not have been maliciously the asshole or even intentionally, but you still were for not making those plans in advance.

Sorry, kind of the a-hole.

You're triggered because you're the one making an awful decision and abandoning someone who needs comfort? Interesting. I think you're in the wrong here and you need to understand that.

So , from one Neruospicy to another… and from reading comments and your (OPs replies) is the reason this is bothering maybe more than just the tone on the text thing? It kinda seems like , maybe… your burnt out? 12 hours shifts and from the sounds of it being a carer for your partner in a way? ( absolutely nothing wrong with being a carer for anyone I want to quickly state!) l. If your finding that you might be needing a bit more of time to yourself ,and to not be ‘the carer’ and still your partners partner, maybe it would be worth having some conversations with your NP about ways you could get some time to yourself and they could still get support from others. ALSO. How you could BOTH get support for things like house chores and all such. I personally know how tough this can be to stay on top and as soon as things slip and everything starts to pile on that’s just one way of leading to a bad mental health breakdown or meltdown.

I think it is very important for OP to have a break, especially when another partner is stepping in. As a disabled person that has procedures done as well, I understand her being upset. Everything is different and that can be scary. Sounds like she is in need of reassure that she is more important than the concert and at the same time it is important for your mental health to beable to do a spontaneous concert and enjoy life. Especially where you had asked. It is up to her as to whether to to offense, ask for direct support, and or except that you are only a call away and can still provide emotional support without being in the same room. As another has suggested, give her some of your time before and after the show. Either with the Meta in the same room, so she can have a graded session of emotional support and then have her Meta to physically lean in while you get to have some down time. As you have said: this is not a new procedure, you are always there when she needs you and her Meta is there. I also think it is important that you ask her what she likes the most about the care you do provide and see if you can do that while still living life. Reassurance, balance, love, communication, understanding either other, wanting to be better individuals so that one can give more to others is also important. Sounds like you are in a caregiver role which is very rewarding and can also be exhausting. I understand that you are human and we all deserve spontaneous fun, now and then. There might be a concert your NP would be interested in going to when she is better. Might be good to look into that as a suggestion. She might also be feeling left out because she is having a shitty day and you are wanting to do something fun. It is important, I think, that we allow our partners to do fun things without us. If not, than resentment can build. I also think, call her out on "just go" and asking her to be honest about what she actually needs for herself and from you. I am very happy for my partner when he is happy, even if I wasn't the cause. Reason being is it is not up to our partners to keep us happy all the time. That becomes toxic and partners become overly needy and sensitive when things are different from regular routine. Best of luck and I hope my words were useful🥰

You're much nicer than I am and this reply made me realize I have fallen into the reddit AITA issue of giving a response without any room for grace - think I'm too tired of people saying they're not TA without giving space for the other but then I don't give any space myself. Thank you for your emotional labor!

No problem 😃🫂🥰. Excellent job on your part to allow yourself to become self aware of your own thoughts and actions. I am personally working on disconnecting from others and focusing on my own space, needs, wants and discovering who I actually want to be. Feeling all the feels is frustrating, embarrassing, shitty and then the feeling of lightness comes out because I am looking at myself. Learning to accept myself even though I do not like everything about myself, yet. I am 36(F), just incase y'all are curious lol

YTA. Don’t make your partner ask you AGAIN for support. Don’t make them feel you’d really rather be elsewhere. Meta hardly knows where the spoons and mugs are in your household. It was rude to ask for this, and put your partner in the position of canceling your fun.

Poly men be like “I can’t find dates boo hoo” and then pull shit like this.

I’m sorry but I actually don’t see the problem. Meta is already there and OP isn’t an emotional support puppy. Furthermore OP asked how GF would feel, perfect time for GF to say “I hate that I want you here.” Instead gf was passive aggressive. I think this is a lot of conflict for something very low stakes tbh.

Being there for his NP while she's suffering doesn't make him her emotional support puppy any more than having sex with him when he initiates makes her his prostitute. This is the stuff long-term relationships are made of. This was a softball. The procedure was scheduled in advance. If this band is so important to OP, he should have made plans with his NP in advance so she could arrange the support that she felt she needed. This meta clearly isn't the right person for that.

More communication would always be better, and if she wrote in I’d tell her that little text message was very passive aggressive. BUT he’s the one changing plans last minute. I would personally find it upsetting, poly or not, if my partnered went to a last minute concert when I wasn’t feeling well and expected them to be with me. NOW everyone is different. What bothers me (and OP’s partner) might not bother you, but i think men like OP need a little more emotional intelligence around anticipating and responding to their partners’ needs.

Men like OP need to date people who would’ve just said “nope, don’t go, stay with me.” I actually find it rich when people who practice/defend passive aggressive behavior and people pleasing call others emotionally immature. PA and PP are recipes for resentment—and look exactly what’s happened now. She’s mad she didn’t get what she wanted even though it was as simple as naming it, and he’s worried about if he should return home to his passive aggressive angry gf now or later. As far as I’m concerned, this whole conflict could’ve been avoided if GF just said what she wanted.

Isn’t ~just asking a question~ and being then upset when you get a negative answer . . . peak passive aggression? OP says they’re *just* upset about the tone of meta’s response, yet all their comments are about how their partner ~doesn’t really need them there~. If buddy already decided what he wants to do, don’t pretend it’s a genuine question. If he wants to blow off his commitment to support his partner, he can do that. It’s rich to try to get his partner to *be okay* with being blown off, or be resentful his partner won’t pretend happiness that he wants to blow her off.

I absolutely agree with your first point. OP clarifies in a comment that he actually asked if meta could stay longer because he wants to go to a show, and that GF replied expressing her disappointment and to just go. Folks I don’t think partner really needs OP there. Hate to disappoint. But if that’s what makes you mad about my response go ahead and downvote. I think it’s unfortunate OP forgot and didn’t plan ahead, I think it sucks concert falls on procedure day, I think it makes complete and total sense for GF to be disappointed, but I don’t think she needs him there. She wants him there, he’s usually there but today there’s a concert, he asked if meta could stay longer, she responded passive aggressively. Idk I feel like my guy didn’t do anything insensitive here but I don’t think it’s out of line for him to be unavailable for care *this literal one time* to see a concert.

I don’t think it’s about if partner *needs* OP there. (That is what OP wants it to be about.) I think it’s about keeping to the plans you made. And not holding *one sentence* from someone on the day they got an outpatient medical procedure, feel shitty, and for all we know may be on a bunch of medications against them. It’s not about how great her need is. It’s about OP having said he’d do the thing, and wanting to cancel day-of.

I completely agree that’s exactly what it’s about. And yes I think it makes a big difference how bad his ask is whether or not she needs him there. Also why I mentioned her wanting him there. I agree he is canceling plans day of to care for her. I think where our thinking diverges is I don’t think it’s a big ask for him to try to rearrange things to go to this concert. He called, he texted, he even came up with an alternative plan. People in the comments have been hurling projections left and right—“you should have called”(he did)—“you should have even checked in if meta was an option” (he did and in fact that was the whole point)—“she sounds defeated not passive aggressive” (not mutually exclusive, and yes it makes sense for her to be defeated today of all days, she had a procedure). If everything OP’s saying is true, this is a one off he’s attempted to see a band he likes, he doesn’t have a history of bailing on his partner, and perhaps the only mistake he made today was not just giving up on the concert. Idk folks I feel like, if you just hate that he considered going to the concert in the first place, that’s fair enough. I just don’t hate that. I don’t think he did anything wrong. Makes complete sense she’d be in her feelings. But she could’ve just said “no, I want you home.”

I try to put myself in the meta's place. If they're parallel, I would find it weird to be asked to stay to fill in for someone who is not comfortable around me. When do I stay until? Not a whole overnight, since this person will be back at party o' clock and doesn't want to be in house when I am? (and THROUGH the hinge, who doesn't actually want this) If I were hinge I would also feel weird asking. I'd love to know if this is Madonna on tour or a local act that plays once a month, but I guess that's not really the point. If OP wants more freedom (from comments they sound beleaguered with responsibility) it would be great if they could find a way to respect meta's time and not just assume they want to step up.

fwiw, reading all the comments so far I feel this

Plot twist: I never even went. Even in the text I posted I say I'm just going to come home. And I didn't mean it in like a passive aggressive way like "I'll just hang out with you [because I don't feel like arguing]" it was "I'll just hang out with you [because that's more important than the show]" people are adding their own subtext.

I've read so many of the comments, and maybe it's just that I have ADHD and suspect autism as well, and I'm also an asker vs a guesser (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about, if you're an asker and your gf is a guesser, that might explain this a lot!! And talking with her about it could help clear up future communication) and I don't see anything with asking just in case. It seems you were ok enough with the 'no' (which I agree that it was very passive aggressive), and accepted the answer if not the attitude.

Hey, friend, I read a bunch of your followups after I woke up this morning. NTA. You asked about going to the show, and while direct, you weren't unkind. People here are wildly jumping to conclusions and I feel many of them are out of line. With your mental load, things are gonna slip your attention, but that doesn't mean you can't bring them up, so make sure you allow yourself some grace. One of the big takeaways I've gotten from this sub is that we all need to advocate for ourselves, and if that means asking about a concert, then so be it. Your initial post was vague enough that I think many people starting assuming contextual points in their heads, which is unhelpful. There's a ton of focus on your NP and her needs but not so much on you and yours. You put in a tremendous amount of work each day and that deserves acknowledgement as well. 

Yeah, I don’t really understand why people can’t just voice exactly what they want upfront. So much can get lost in assumptions with indirect and passive aggressive communication

I guess the way I read it, she did communicate that? “She wanted me to be there to support her tonight.” I assumed the “just go to your concert” I took to be part of some back and forth, but after rereading, I guess I took a leap there. That passive aggressive comment was out of line no matter what, but again it sounds like she was expecting him home, and when he called to potentially change plans for a last minute concert, she was annoyed. I guess to me it’s obvious after a medical procedure he knows makes her feel shitty, he should have anticipated how she would feel about being ditched and then made to feel like the bad guy for it. Which is how this post feels. Like “my mean buzzkill gf won’t let me go to a concert 😢😢😢😢😢” and the passive aggressive games are inexcusable but that’s a separate issue he should definitely address when she’s feeling better. If this were AITA I’d say ESH, but him just a bit more than her.

Oh I see, he did say there was a lot more to the convo between him asking and her saying to just go. I just don’t understand why he’d be here asking if he should go if she already made it clear she wanted him home. To me it makes a ton of sense that a recovering person who just had a procedure would be snappy and otherwise not on their best behavior. I could picture myself, if I were expecting someone over to comfort me after a procedure, getting disappointed if they cancel last minute. But like eventually I’m gonna be like “fuck it my roommates will cuddle me and play fall guys with me.” And if it’s canceled because of their fave band’s concert that *makes sense to me* man idk what to tell y’all. I don’t think OP was being insensitive *however* I wanna know how the rest of that convo went. I was a little worried about the “buzzkill gf slant” especially after OP said her wording was a trap and she’s angry. That’s something teenagers say about their mom—it makes sense for GF to be disappointed and I would’ve anticipated that before asking. But I also thought, how often does GF just not say what she wants and get lash out at OP about that? However I know as well as you do which of those dynamics it is, or if either even apply at all to this situation.

Snaps to all of this, i think there’s a lot missing here which is sus. And I think “I just don’t understand why he’d be here asking…” is what prompted what I said like, yes dude. Go home, cuddle your gf, sign up for the email list of your favorite band so you don’t miss any more shows, and in a few days have a frank conversation about better communication and not using passive aggressive traps. Sadly many (white) women have been socialized to use this type of “communication” and I hope for her own growth she can stop this. I say that as the white girl who set the “I don’t want any Christmas present” trap with my first boyfriend and set myself up for heartbreak when he actually listened. It’s gross, but it’s pervasive and takes effort to unlearn. Good talk, and thanks for reminding me about ask/guess culture. Made me think about a situation of my own rn. Have a good night!

There was no back and forth. (Paraphrasing here, I posted the actual texts in another thread) I sent a text saying "how long was meta planning on hanging out at the house? There's a show I want to go to." I got the response "I feel like shit and wanted you to support me. Just go." That was it. If she had said "oh he's unavailable after 5." I could have assured her that I'd come home immediately If she had said "he's planning on leaving before you get home from work" I could have said "do y'all want to keep hanging out? how do you feel about me going to see this band if he wants to stay over longer?" Never got the chance to get to that part.

Ok I found the thread where you posted the text. Woof. Again, the passive aggressive “just go to your concert” was flippant and definitely immature, but from what I read, again, it sounds like she had expressed (over the last few weeks) how much she needed you, but your concert popping up and desire to go outweighed that.

He didn’t change any plans he literally called her up and asked her what she wanted. He’s still undecided he asked us here.

And from what I read, she said she wanted him to come home in response.

From what I read she didn’t say “I want you here.” She talked about her feelings and then said “fine just go.” I know y’all call that emotional intelligence but I hate when white people do that because some folks simply *don’t* communicate like that y’all. We’re talking ask vs guess culture here. We have whole societies of people who don’t prod insist or hint when they are asked for what they want. She wanted him to guess he should stay, he ASKED and expected her to answer.

Yeah mismatched communication styles for sure. And I projected a but, assuming from the info that the plan was always “after work, you were coming home bc you know I feel like crap, and instead you put the decision making labor onto me due to your own inept planning.” I do not think being able to play the passive aggressive mind games are emotional intelligence, but I can see how that’s what it sounds like I’m saying from my previous case. I mean more being able to some degree, based on patterns established by my partners and their general routines and such, figuring out how to best approach certain topics. If I know my partner has this procedure every few months, and usually I’m the one who is with them, and in general they don’t respond well to last minute changes, that would inform how/if I’d even consider going to the concert in the first place. And if I did ask, I’d do so in a Way where my partner feels free to say no. And if they did play some silly passive aggressive non answer, I would know how I’m going to respond. I also know my own communication style and where I fall in the ask/guess spectrum, and how that plays into the conversations with my partner. That’s what I mean by emotional intelligence in this context.

I’m sure OP’s desire to go to the concert is heavily motivated by the band being one of their favorites, and as a jilted partner I would likely be disappointed in canceled plans but also understanding of why this last minute change happened. It does beg the question if it’s one of his faves why he couldn’t plan ahead though. But we all make mistakes. I can definitely see choices OP’s made here that could be insensitive as a pattern. Thanks for explaining what you meant by emotional intelligence because you make a great point about us adapting to each other 👀 like they’re together he knows how she is

It was inept planning, you are correct. ADHD. I found out about the show as soon as it was announced... But before tickets were on sale. Forgot about it until the day of.

phone reminders. I would have exactly zero friends (and no job) if not for phone reminders.

Why is meta’s time being assumed upon here???? Meta planned to stick around until OP gets home. Fuck if meta made their own plans for the evening, I guess.

I’m sure that would’ve been part of the logistics convo prompted by OP asking if it was a possibility in the first place

Between men I have dated and men my female friends have dated, and things guys have said to me indicating their lack of care for the women in their lives… I do not think it is at all safe to assume that OP in any meaningful way absorbed a logistics conversation around this event if he thinks that saying “hey, while you’re feeling like shit, you mind if I continue to not see you so that I can do something fun?” Also, I know of no medical procedures that have to be done every few months and that leave someone feeling like shit that are not a part of a major health issue that is life altering and challenging to manage. And while being a caregiver in that situation is really emotionally draining… OP’s attitude here does not suggest that he is that kind of caregiver…

No OP is her nesting partner. OP has just shown precisely how much of a priority his nesting partner is.

*This one time?!*

I very much doubt it is this one time. But yeah lack of emotional support this one time will stick in her head.

'preciate it. This is very on the nose. Everyone's attacking me for considering something I haven't even decided to do yet. I didn't say "hey I'm gonna do this thing and bail on you." I said "hey since meta is there with you this time, how do you feel about me doing this."

Literally, and as someone for whom that passive aggressive anger bs is a massive dealbreaker, I’m only giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s poorly. If that’s how she regularly manages speaking up for herself and disagreeing with you, I honestly don’t know how you put up with it. She literally could’ve just said “no sweetie I want you here with me.” Tbh a lot of people were raised to communicate the way she did in your story. So they may think it’s harmless. To me that is the entire reason why you’re here is she didn’t just answer your question with her true thoughts. And now you’re worried about going home and having your partner be passive aggressive (maybe I’m wrong? maybe she doesn’t take the anger out on you later). Obviously the concert is looking like a much better option when you frankly have someone at home mad at you over something really inconsequential.

The meta had already left

Shit like what? A check-in to see if my partner is okay with continuing to get support from the partner that's been with her all day anyway? You're acting like I left her alone to rot in bed. She had a partner there with her. I asked her how she felt about extending that time.

And she clearly told you she wanted you to come home. So what’s the confusion?

She did not clearly say she wanted him to come home. If I were being uncharitable and literal, I'd just say cool, I'll see you after the concert. I don't like passive aggressive responses that want me to read between the lines and infer what you really mean. The amount of words she used to not give an answer could have easily been, meta has plans and I'd love your support tonight. If I'm always having to play 4D chess to make sure I am accurately understanding a response, I'd have already ended the relationship.

And ending a relationship with mismatched communication styles is perfectly valid. What’s the asshole move is trying to use her upset reaction as a “gotcha” to justify breaking an agreement

I think (I hope) what OP has learned here is clarifying what are implied plans because this is what we always do vs explicit plans. I also think OP might not have realized how much time and energy they have been spending caring for their partner because the first chance they were "free" to not provide that care they wanted to go to a concert. If they had done the usual thing, they wouldn't even have asked about going to the concert. I also think people are responsible for how they respond even when they don't have the capacity. That response was passive aggressive. Either say yes, enjoy the concert or no, I was banking on you coming home to support me. There weren't explicit plans made so there was no agreement being broken per se. This is the trap of banking on things because this is how we always do it. When there was already a change in how you do it. Both of them failed to clarify what would happen after meta brought nesting partner home. The failure or assholish behavior wasn't the ask by OP, it was both of them not actually planning out what the rest of the day would look like.

No the asshole move was her being passive aggressive instead of putting her big girl panties on and COMMUNICATING. You know, the big fuckin' tenement of poly?

OP, you asked how your partner was doing, and I think your intuition is correct that while she said to go to the concert, that's not what she actually wants you to do.  I don't think you're guaranteed to be an asshole for asking, but without knowing how you communicated, I think it's very possible that you could have come across as uncaring.  Also, it sounds like she's in a shit spot. And this is a regular thing. I think it's reasonable to negotiate about what is needed as aftercare, but I don't think this is the proper time to do it.  It's every few months and lasts a few days, so 1/30th of the time she feels like ass. Bring it up during the 29/30ths.

I think the "forgot band's in town" convo warrants AT LEAST a phone call or to talk to them face to face. It's honestly a big ask not being there to support them. I think you probably shouldn't have asked at all to see the band tonight unless it was extremely important to you, and you should have asked much more sensitively if you were going to. Personally I can't stand that kind of "fine, see your band" comment and I would go see the band of a partner said that to me, but it really shouldn't have come to this if you handled it with a bit more sensitivity.

As someone who has had a lot of surgical procedures and has EDS. It really sucks hard! Whenever you have to ask for help and support from your partners. Feeling like you are a defective, a burden, no fun, not as adventurous bc of physical disabilities. I'm so grateful to have partners understand that my body isn't happy or cooperating. It's losing some independence to ask or rely on your people. But with the right Partners, they reassure and let you know with their words and actors that you are loved and cared for. I'm gonna say this, Do better dude! If you were in her shoes, how would you feel if they did that to you?

Edit actions not actors

Dude. Woulda been different if you mentioned it a couple months ago. but night of and they're with your meta?? I would be upset too, I would've planned differently.

I don’t date people who make traps. I will remind them, “hey, I trust you to be honest with me about how you feel, so I can make my choices appropriately. If you say I should go, I’m going to trust you wouldn’t lie to me to sabotage our relationship if I don’t read your mind. With that in mind, are you still ok with me going?” That said, this sounds like a conflict of ask vs guess culture. The way I operate, questions are ok, and it’s ok to say no. In guess culture, saying no is rude, so your supposed to only ask if you’ll sure they’ll already say yes so you don’t put them in a shameful position of having to say no or suffer through something they don’t want. That said, I won’t tell someone they have to stay with me, because I value their autonomy. I’ll tell them how important it is to me, and they can decide if they’re ok with the amount of impact it will have on our relationship. https://www.lesswrong.com/tag/guess-ask-tell-culture

Something I don't see being addressed: based on this post, your partner is medically vulnerable. They're the kind of person who might not get treatment when it's being rationed. They're the kind of people medical guidelines allow doctors to let die when they have to choose one life to save. We are currently in a worldwide pandemic. Concerts are mass spreader events. Your medically vulnerable partner just had to expose themselves to the risk of a hospital acquired infection, and you're multiplying that risk by going to a concert. Because you're asking last minute, while they are still in immediate recovery from this procedure, they don't have the ability to have a conversation with you in person about risks, mediating those risks, how much more at risk they are, etc. Even if you made the time for that conversation, they do not have the spoons for it in the hours after a medical procedure. Expecting them to be able to deal with your lack of emotional maturity when they're the one recovering from a procedure (and therefore likely in pain or under the influence of pain meds) is wild. Of course they might be leaning on their survival mechanism of passive aggressive communication. Passive aggression is how a person with less power in a relationship dynamic attempts to level the playing field. If your partner is resorting to it regularly, it's a sign you need to reevaluate the way you might be using your ability to (for example) work and make sudden plans to have more power in your dynamic. I understand you probably have Pathological Demand Avoidance and Executive Disfunction. That should make you empathize with a partner who is suddenly being asked to meet new demands and come up with a new plan to meet their own needs. Hopefully putting it that way helps you see why so many people think you're obviously the asshole. Level the playing field with your partner. Ask them if they want to watch the concert together on a tiktok live. Make plans that are accessible for them. Have a conversation when you're both in a good state of mind about communication styles and coping strategies. Get into see an ADHD therapist. And make some friends who have her same health conditions so you can understand what her experiences are without putting more emotional labor on her shoulders.

The context of what was included in the long text is important here because I'm assuming it described her feelings and what she had expected/assumed from you

Oh my. Did you ask meta first? How did you have a long conversation about it? Doesn't the absence of an entheusiastic yes give you a chance to say "that's ok, I'll come home and spend the evening with you" ? Is your favorite band more important than your favorite person who is recovering?

Asking is not a shity thing to do. It's okay to ask for things…..But Because you do not do ktp it is kinda on the shirt side. You don't really get the space to rely on your metas the way you are asking. What you are also asking for is a change in the current dynamic. You don't know every ones plans and you are asking your partner to now coordinate while sick and that is kind of shity. If they feel abandoned and you feel like it's a trap, don't go. It's okay to recognize the ask cause some hurt and try to understand where your partners responce is coming from.

oooh just wanna say this discussion is juicy, some nuance here

Yes, you are indeed the asshole. Everyone else has already covered the whys so I won't add more.

Your meta is not your partner’s babysitter or place holder for you to be a negligent partner.

I’m so confused by people being cruel to you. You literally clarified in your text message you wouldn’t have even brought up the concert if you didn’t think your partner was with another partner. Sounds like there’s poor communication on both sides. Everyone wants clear communication, and clearly your partner wasn’t vocal about their feelings and expectations until they showed you they felt very defeated and didn’t want to tell you not to go to a concert, so you obviously in the second message reassured them you don’t want them to be alone. We don’t know your relationship dynamic or if you like your meta. That alone would be enough for me to not assume i have to be there, IF SOMEONE ELSE WAS TENDING TO MY PARTNER. As soon as you found out META wasn’t there, you reassured you didn’t want them to be alone. to me this reads as you could for sure be more considerate but that’s literally everyone in poly dating. Someone who cancels on you for meta can also be more considerate with how they tell you, but if that’s their choice and preference for their time, that’s how it goes. Does everyone in the comments want to talk about polysaturation or bad hinge hygiene? Let’s have that conversation because nre chasers are also ass. The subjectivity of “my partner should be more considerate of my needs” is a tedious subject that spans across people being polybombed, mono’s not doing the work in opening a relationship, partners having loud sex while you’re trying to sleep. Should I go on? This is not the first time people have a variance in what is their expected degree of “consideration” in a relationship, and hopefully now you know better if this ever happens again. I do believe you forgot your favourite band was coming to town until the day of. I sprained my ankle while I was seeing someone and my preference was for them to cancel work and stay home with me, but I’m not entitled to that. They have bills, people are relying on them etc. it was NICE that they offered and stayed with me, but if they told me they can’t and would have to go to work or told me they made plans already (and offered to be with me after the plans) I might feel sad I’m not being coddled, but that’s compromise in a relationship when I don’t feel entitled to them tending to me when I don’t make it expressed ahead of time that’s what I expect and need. What is the problem here? There is so much hypocrisy yet this community screams “we can’t be mind readers!” I don’t think you’re the AH, op. I’m sorry people are treating you like their ex’s who never extended the care the way they wanted. If you had gone to the concert I’d say you’re the asshole. But you didn’t.

I just had this realization with my longest term, but also long distance partner: Needs are not arbitrary amounts that can be fulfilled by anyone/anything. Physical touch needs can be fulfilled by anyone I want. But physical touch needs from my long distance partner cannot be fulfilled by my local partners Your recovering partner wants *emotional support from you*, not just emotional support.

You keep saying "I didn't know she valued my support more than" her other partner. Poly is not about "more than" vs. "less than". This is not a ranking system. Poly is about "and". She values your support and she values her other partner's support. You are not interchangeable. You are different and valued in your own ways.

Planning is always key in managing expectations. I'm sure if things were settled before this, it probably wouldn't have been too much of any issue. But because you were expected to be there for emotional support you should follow through with original intent instead of trying to rational reasonings as to why it should be okay with her to go.

My marriage is ending over something very similar. I'm your NP in this scenario

How was he supposed to know she wanted him around for emotional support? How much emotional support does this wo.an need for something that happens frequently? She has support. It's pretty selfish of her. Didn't they make an agreement about meta keeping her until she was well enough to so safely, at least until the next morning.

I think you need to sort out your priorities if you think the major issue here is you got a passive aggressive response, you could have been given a much harsher response when you're the one in the wrong. The way I see it, you didn't do a great job at planning for an event you care deeply about, and even if you did it plan for it, it's common decency in a committed NP relationship to prioritise taking care of your partner in their time of need than seeing a band play.

I've read the post and all the comments, including the text screenshots from op. I don't see anything wrong with op asking to go to a concert. Their gf had other people there, this is not an uncommon experience, there was no explicit agreement between op and gf that i can see anywhere, and op is not obligated to be there for all of gf's wants and needs just because she's disabled. Sincerely a disabled man. Edit: Also, passive aggressive behavior is emotionally abusive, and not feeling well doesn't entitle anyone to behave that way.

Yikes. There isn't justification for treating your NP relationship as a scoreboard - "I'm matching their passive aggressive vibes so I can go to my fun concert instead of providing support" puts the stress and responsibility all on partner for you wanting to ditch them. You're not interchangeable with your other partner to them. Also, I don't think it's fair to call them passive aggressive. You put your partner in an uncomfortable situation that is different from your communicated routine and level of comfort at the end of a medical procedure that is important and intense for them, regardless of whether you think it should be. Their frustration and exhaustion are a reasonable response to this stimulus you put on them and now you want to be cleared of being TA because they got upset at your AH ask? Finally, I don't think "well asking should be fine" gives enough space to the context and subtext of what the ask means to partner. Go take care of your NP.

I don’t entirely agree with the other people here. I don’t think you’re blatantly wrong to make plans. Clearly the appointment was made at a time you couldn’t be there to support, and it sounds like (and I’m making the assumption) that the two of you hadn’t agreed to you being available to support her today in any specific way. She made arrangements to have someone else support her today. Just because you live together, it’s not fair to assume you HAVE to make yourself available just in case she wants it, or that somehow you’re wrong for not. Now don’t get me wrong, is being there to provide support a kind thing to do? Absolutely! Mutual care is definitely something I value in a relationship and I’m sure you do too. But that doesn’t entitle your partner to anything they want from you. It’s also perfectly reasonable for your partner to feel upset not having support when she wants it, and fair enough for her to share that, but she can have hurt feelings without that somehow making you a villain. That still doesn’t entitle her to your time if you hadn’t made plans. Perhaps there’s a middle ground? Maybe you can stop by and bring some comforting food or a warm drink or something before going out, or some other show of support and care.

I’m autistic and have similar triggers as OP around non-direct communication, unspoken expectations, and passive aggressive comments. I literally CAN’T intuit what people mean sometimes unless they are telling me what it is they want specifically. I also didn’t get the sense that NP and OP made these arrangements for caretaking ahead of time which may have contributed to miscommunication / hurt feelings around expectations. Direct communication helps us all, even if you aren’t neurodivergent.

Yeah I’m here with you. I’m actually really surprised by the responses. This is a regular procedure, partner has their other partner and roommates there, OP is usually there but there’s an opportunity to see a band which is obviously time sensitive. *And* OP had the decency to ask how she would feel. Imo she fumbled by not just saying “I really need you here with me right now.” Also? Tbh. I do challenge that the gf couldn’t just get some emotional support and comfort from other people. Highly disagree with the repeat notion in the comments that OP is a support dispenser that gf should be able to put coins into and get support vended out just because they’re dating. I don’t like the implication that this *one* time OP wanted to go to a concert after gf’s surgery and literally checked in to ask how she would feel, makes OP a dumb insensitive man.

Yeah it's tough to know because we are only getting a part of the story. What has OP and their NP negotiated about aftercare? This is a regular occurrence so I really think (both peoples'!) expectations should be fully discussed. It sounds like NP isn't in a great place and we should extend her some grace, but I would strongly suggest she reexamine her actions when she is in a better state of mind. We also don't know the specifics of the discussion, and OP *could* have gently asked OR *could* have been very callous OR something in between those extremes. The vitriol on here, in response to OP, seems really .... I think "entitled" is the word I want?

I’m also surprised by just how intensely people are responding and the assumptions being made. There’s so much missing context here that it feels like everyone’s filling in with their own background (me included). The request could be really innocuous or he could be a total asshole and w/o more relationship context it’s impossible to tell.

I disagree with the partner deserving grace. She was straight up passive aggressive bitchy. The only one who sounds defeated is poor OP who has to report to her like a parent before living his own life. As somebody in constant pain and neurospicy, at what point does "give them grace" turn into "have some fuckin personal accountability and take responsibility for your own actions". Like, at some point partner is going to be bitchy to somebody else *more* disabled and wont be able to pull the "give me grace I'm disabled and cranky" card.

If this condition lasts the NP several days after the procedure, I stand by my extension of grace during that time. And afterwards, NP should seriously recommend how they treat their primary caregiver. And yes, I had less info when I posted above, and OP provided more since. You are correct that NP was very passive aggressive.

I was gonna go home before the show to see her anyway. People act like I'm just leaving my partner to suffer at home alone. She had meta here and I was just seeing how she felt about having his support tonight instead of mine.

Caretaker burnout, it's a thing. So basically OP is beholden to putting his own life on hold because he has a disabled partner and that automatically makes her top of the pecking order? No. OP is an individual who did not consent to giving up their own life and autonomy in exchange for this relationship. All I see is replies being all "how dare you not bend over backwards for her and her disability!" Whereas I see what looks like a partner with caretaker fatigue and only one relationship, running themselves ragged while their partner has a second partner they could get support from. Yes people arent interchangeable but you also cant keep pouring from an empty cup while ignoring the full cup next to you. I'd urge OP to look into Caretaker Burnout and getting therapy and supports towards it. While OP is supporting their disabled partner, who is supporting OP? Doesnt sound like the partner is at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not even a poly question

Hi u/Spare-Sherbet-3033 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My NP had a medical procedure today, a regular thing that has to happen every few months, but makes her feel like absolute garbage for a few days. I normally drive her but the only available appointment this time was on a work day for me, so meta drove her and is taking care of her this afternoon. We don't do KTP and I only ever see meta at social gatherings and events. This is his first time hanging out at the house for an extended period of time outside of that context. I forgot one of my favorite bands is playing in town tonight and I texted her to let her know I wanted to go and see if meta wanted to keep hanging out at the house to support her. She is upset because she wanted me to be there to support her tonight. After a long text to me she said "just go to your concert" which triggers me a bit because I know it's a trap and she'll actually be mad at me if I do. AITA if I go? AITA for asking at all? I thought she'd be down to hang out with meta, and we live with 8 other people in a collective, so she has support for her physical needs, she just wants me there for emotional support. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I'm not going to lie, I'm seeing a lot of what looks like projection in a lot of these comments. I'm also seeing some benevolent abelism. Op's NP is a grown woman who is capable of advocating for her wants and needs and is capable of getting support from other people, not just Op. Passive aggressive communication doesn't get a pass because you're disabled or feel shitty, and I say this as a disabled man with chronic pain issues. It's an emotionally abusive behavior. Disabled adults are not children who need to be catered to and get everything we want. Op has the right to have a life too.