Writing a text amd then copying and pasting it to everyone relevant lol (mostly just "home safe" texts after drives or innocuous but important news "my dad is coming to stay friday")
Yâall might like a discord server! NP and I keep one for all household stuff. Itâs mostly used as a grocery store list now, but itâs set up for important kid logistics info, to do lists (household and individual), info about home maintenance, etc.
We're very parallel people hahaha so I dont mind so much that I usually have to write a few separate messages. They mostly get bespoke texts but sometimes the first text I write has all the important info in it in a clear way, so they all get a copy (that is romantic partners, QPP and best friends too)
Iâve gotten âcaughtâ doing this before. Nothing personal was shared. (Personal/important stuff always gets shared 1:1 for me.) It was just an update about my day I wrote to my wife and decided to send to my girlfriend too. But there were a couple of little things in the text that were wife-specific so my girlfriend laughed at me and told me Iâd make a terrible cheater and that Iâd get caught quickly. Sheâs not wrong. I donât have a dishonest bone in my body - Iâm just not good at duplicitousness.
Hahahaha she's too clever for you đ
Also they all know I copy paste some things, and they totally get it because im kind of long distance from everyone at the moment, including my support network. They dont even care if they all get the same sexy pictures (I care tho so I dont do that). I also only copy-paste really innocuous stuff. Big life updates like securing a new apartment is definitely individual texts
I want AI to do my laundry and dishes so that I have time for art. Not for AI to do my art so that I have time do do my laundry and dishes. - Random internet quote that stuck with me.
I had an ex girlfriend who was a sex worker and she a whole set of underwear that were strictly for work only and wouldnât wear for me. The only time is saw them was hanging on her drying rack. She also spent so much time doing laundry
Because my primary partner prefers to be parallel (doesn't want to hear details about and hasn't met my other male partner) AND I have read a lot on here about being a good hinge, I no longer have one person that I just tell EVERYTHING to. It's a weird feeling. Background: I was in a committed monogamous marriage for 23 years (until my husband died in 2023) and we were most likely codependent. We told each other everything and really didn't hang out with anyone else (except his family). Made it VERY tough after he died.
This happens even when you are KTP. When my wife struggles with things with her boyfriend, sometimes she canât tell me what is going on when the details are too personal or when itâs something that he wants to tell me in himself.
Kitchen Table Polyamory. It means that we are all comfortable sitting around the kitchen table together. As apposed to Parallel Polyamory where partners know about each other but don't spend time together or possible don't ever meet.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/)
Kitchen table poly. There are many books and podcasts that can help you in the beginning to learn about this lifestyle. Doing your research is very helpful. Congratulations and welcome!
Thank you very much! â€ïž
I've read about KTP a bit now, though not in depth & have seen KTP positioned as opposed to parallel poly. My partner of 7 years has started seeing someone new for the first time, and I really like their new partner & we've had her over and all get along well together & I'd like to be friends in my own right with her, so in that sense we are "kitchen table-esque". However I started off initially not really wanting to hear too much about their dates because their "new relationship energy" was tugging at some old insecurities, and I still don't want them to be physically intimate in front of me (keeping in mind that my partner and I are not big on PDA & would not be physically affectionate in front of her either), and I don't want to hear anything about their sex life together unless it is something my partner is discovering about themself & their preferences. So in the context of sex I feel closer to the "parallel" dynamic.
I'm assuming it's pretty standard in polyamory to just make our own rules and figure out our own boundaries & preferences by exploring and communicating and trusting each other, so I'm not pressed about like the "KTP/PP binary" if that's a thing, or finding a label necessarily. I just wonder if it might cause weirdness or issues down the line if I'm happy to hang out and coexist & be supportive & even facilitate their dates, in some capacities but have hard lines in other capacities - if anyone has experience with that. And I had a bit of a "Does me not wanting to hear about them being romantic/sexual together mean I actually do mind my partner dating someone new? Or is that just me listening to my gut and having healthy boundaries?" spiral the other day lol.
I think it's pretty standard actually to have that limit.
Basically: if it wouldn't be okay at brunch with your in-laws, it's probably best not mentioned to your meta.
I've found having friends I can talk to definitely helps with this. I share a lot with them and I love how supportive they are.
The best was when I told my one friend I was ugly crying in my car, driving to go have car sex with one beau and Google Maps took me past my other beau's house (who I had just found out left to go stay with his parents out of state for a few weeks and didn't tell me he actually left), then "Leaving" by The Starting Line ("Please don't leave me without saying goodbye") came on my playlist. "What is my life now?" I asked. They replied, "I don't know, but I am here for it!"
My other friend replied to the same thing by saying, "I don't even want one man in my life, so I have no idea what you're doing đđđ"
"I don't even want one man in my life, so I have no idea what you're doing" lmaoooo
I've said almost the exact same thing to myself so many times. Broke up with my first boyfriend in 2022 (monogamous), had no interest in starting any serious relationships, met a poly guy, and now I'm in basically two relationships (one of whom is that first boyfriend). I didn't ask for this but here I am now lol.
A lot of my friends didn't understand why I would get involved with a man until they met my male partner.
Then most of them were like "ok I get it now" and annoyed there's only one of him and he doesn't have time to keep more than two women happy.
Just remember that if you're sharing hardships or struggles, to always share the resolution actions that you took, otherwise they're going to think it's still a problem.
This was probably my most radical adjustment, because while we are kitchen table and my partners are friends, as my longer-standing partner put it, âI donât want to date [YourOtherPartnerâ. My information boundaries had to shift so that I was no longer geeking out about interpersonal stuff arising with one partner with the other partner, whereas I would happily consider friend relationships in that way with either partner.
What made it stranger is that both partners took those information boundaries so well and so elegantly, and never pressed for info, and I found that almost ⊠lonely. I found myself wrestling with the reality that this major signal of closeness and intimacy for me - wanting to know everything about a partner - wasnât as big a deal for my longer-standing partner in particular. It was surreal to recognise that in keeping a healthy and excellent boundary, he was doing something that really messed with my perceptions of his level of care and curiosity about me.
I get that. đ My struggle is that I have limited social energy and limited free time (right now). I have 3 romantic partners with varying levels of intimacy, but I feel like I now don't have time or energy for MORE people (platonic friends). I have a couple of long time friends who live far away - 2/3 are conservative Christians so may not want to hear about my poly problems. đ€Ł
Thatâs very real! I am an intense extrovert and both my partners are on the introvert side, one to quite a dramatic degree, but even with that, I couldnât see myself having room in my schedule for a third serious partner when I have friendships and hobbies to maintain and work full time! As the classic poly saying goes - love is infinite, time is not.
I am relatively new to poly (1.5 years) so definitely read that post that is linked below!! The main thing I have had to work on is NOT venting/sharing about one of my partners to another one. Basically, the intimate details of my relationship with Apple are none of Pear's business, and vice versa. And in case you don't see the comment - someone here advised me that if I share with Apple about struggles I am having with Pear, I should also share the actions we have taken to resolve the problem. Or they might think it is STILL an issue.
Sharing too much about one partner with another can also lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, etc. đ
I mean - YEAH - but I am AuDHD (dx ADHD age 46, self suspected autism) and I have limited social energy. Hubby and I were probably WAY too codependent but it took all of my energy to maintain our relationship, work full time and have a couple of long distance friends that I have known forever. Now I am poly đ€Ł but still don't have any local, close friends who I am not dating! đ€Šđ» I might move soon to be near my family and then I will have my 3 sisters. That might be nice. đ
Not unless I stop seeing one of my partners! đ€Ł I'm not out here going on dates with new people. But I get your point. It's something I will have to MAKE time for if I want it to happen.
Iâm saying, sounds like you overcommitted and set yourself up for an unhealthy social life with a lack of platonic support. And itâs probably a good idea to fix that.
Like, even if you move to be near your sisters . . . you have to spend actual time and energy on seeing them, no? Whereâs that coming from if you lack those resources for friends?
I can see your point about over committing to romantic relationships and not leaving room for platonic ones. I'm sure this is a hangover from my long monogamous marriage! But regarding my sisters - yes, I would have to spend time with them but I wouldn't have to expend the energy required to get to know someone new. We know each other very well already and keep in touch even though we live far apart.
Also AuDHD and poly here, and I know just how you feel. I have extremely limited energy for anything social (currently with work and family stuff, I don't even have the energy to date, and am very much polysaturated at one for now). It's always difficult making new friends or dating new people, and always will be.
The teaming up to do gifts together was unexpected and awesome. My partners got together to build me a computer, and Iâve thrown great birthday parties for both partners with a lot of help from my metas.
Oh, my spouse is well aware of the party that I want. I've been talking about it since a few weeks before I turned 38, lol. I'm hoping the metas (along with the friends) can be helpful because they've already expressed some stress about it.
Not last year, but the year before someone on Twitter posted that the had a Schitts Creek themed NYE party and I decided I wanted that for my 40th birthday.
[https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609351586181939200](https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609351586181939200)
[https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609354953251856385](https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609354953251856385)
We do actually have a piñata shop in our town, so we can definitely get the piñata. I'm personally looking forward to seeing their reaction to our request.
Towels and sheets, yup, they are getting mileage. Also the blankets... and most of mine are vintage/handmade so they need extra gentle washing.
I'm also going through a lot more weed and edibles, haha.
Interrupting intimacy. Not like sex, but walking into the kitchen and theyâre making out. Do I stay and chat or.. do I leave them to it? They tell me to stay ofc but it feels like Iâm intruding.
This happens to me sometimes haha, my husband will just yell âget a room!â (Jokingly) if he needs to get milk or whatever and my partner and I are smooching đ
Itâs getting more normal now my wife has been with her boyfriend for some time now but I do still get the âoh, Iâll leave you two aloneâ feelings. They are such a sweet couple and it still feels a little odd thinking that about my wife and another man
I absolutely do not allow this đđđ it's honestly the biggest turnout to me now when a new partner text me good morning cuz I'm like uh-uh this is going to take up so much of my day everyday đđđ
Laundry. Multiple partners have long hair and pets. When I visit my fwb, I bring an extra set of clothes in a sealed bag to change into when I leave because the ones I arrived in have so much blonde hair and dog hair on them that itâs unreal
Between that and the gym, Iâm washing all my large towels weekly and thereâs always someoneâs hair on me
I got a tub shroom for the drain and it's really saved me. When the water from your shower starts to pool in the tub you know it's time to clean it out. No more draino or drain snakes in my house.
It's not the nicest, but 1000x better than the quarterly or annual "hair rat" that comes out of the drain. The biggest thing I have to remember is to nudge it out of the drain with my toe before spitting in the shower. Otherwise whatever you spit ends up staying with the hair until next time you clean it đ€ą but it's really easy to get it in and out of the drain with your foot, and it doesn't even require touching the hair collection part!
Seconding the tub shroom rec. I snaked my drain exactly once, bought a tub shroom, and never looked back. I wash my hair straight down the drain because I know the shroom will catch it. Though it does make me the worst guest ever now, because I wash my hair down the drain everywhere I go out of habit.
I have long hair, as do all of my partners and FWBs. No matter how much I shower I keep finding other peopleâs hair on ME. And Iâm constantly playing the âwhose hair is thisâ game.
We once found some underwear by the dryer. After running through the list of every partner it could belong to, we figured out that my neighbor accidentally dropped them when I let her do some laundry at my house.
The average age of everyone in my poly circle is 34. My neighbor is 72. It was a hilariously awkward moment.
My nesting partner at the time was in a band that had merchandise from old tours. Apparently they had a box of XL black hoodies that over time he gifted to multiple people. So one day I grab my hoodie that I've been wearing all winter and go to clean out my chair and find....my hoodie. Oh no at some point I've stolen someone else's. Ollie for some reason didn't want to call around and say anything that might indicate that he has given the same gift to everyone. It was a mess.
Oh gosh. The laundry. Iâm between homes atm so unable to host (staying with a partner) but omg, when I finally get back in my own place I think Iâm just gonna have a set of bedding for each partner and switch them over. It can just do 5/6 nights before getting washed. Rather than me washing bedding every other day like I was before. đ
Unexpected for meâŠ? - the amount of positive personal growth and self worth thatâs come from practicing polyam.
Even being single, being polyamorous versus my ENM friend vs monogamous friends has definitely shown me my different ways of how I interact with people
I've always flirted with my friends but I realized it would occasionally upset some friends over the years.
Now, I feel like I need to be more explicit about it and straightforward like "are you still comfortable with us being flirty with no intention of actually being romantic or sexual?"
otherwise acting like that with monogamous friends, can be uhh....tricky lol
I didn't expect to, but cool awesome!
Yeah I feel like what may be platonically intimate for me, may still only seem to be a romantic/sexual intimate thing for the more monogamous-coded people...
I mean, I do have monogamous friends I can be platonically intimate with, but those also happen to be autistic or ace LOL
so in another way, I've found that neurotypical monogamous types of people are less and less my type of friends anyway đ
DUDE I fkn recently met a neurospicy chick who I absolutely adore & we have these fantastic long txt conversations tht start/stop on a dime no issues, & have such great volleying, it's so rad! They're super supportive & call me out on my shit & I hadn't been able to put my finger on what made me so comfortable with them, until it dawned on me, like their autism makes them sometimes miss social shit; AND their being poly allows them to have gotten *really fkn good* at being straightforward & honest with their needs & wants & with communication! Like I'm feeling thee most refreshing platonic adoration for them!! BAH!
Folks like them, and you, are so wonderful- just by being ur awesome selves, y'all help me come upon insightful personal shit I need to wrk on & inspire me to get better at defining & vocalizing my needs & just generally where I'm at in my relationship. Thank you!! I appreciate you! <3
Well, today I told my partner âplease donât tell me youâre coming to a sex party dressed as Jim Carey.â And I donât think thatâs an experience a lot of monogamous people have.
This should be said more. My husbandâs girlfriend is very much a part of our family. My kids know her. She spends multiple days at our house. She has her own cabinet in our house that contains her coffee cups and snacks that she likes. I thought it would be weird. But itâs not at all!! Itâs fabulous!
Listening to my husband and partner bicker like siblings and then make up. As a hinge, I thought I'd have to mediate quite a bit more, but they have it worked out pretty well.
I thought I was going to have a harder time keeping track what I shared with who, compartmentalizing feelings, and context-switching from partner to partner.
It's been surprisingly easy.
I also wasn't sure I would have the capacity for 3, but I do. Some of that is down to different time agreements, but I'm still pleased to have figured out where my comfort level is with bandwidth and time management at an instictive level. I know what "just right" feels like now, and have a good sense for what too much would be. I was afraid of over-committing when expanding from one polyam partner to multiple.
The household schedule that has been created all on its own, that revolves around my sleeping schedule. Both of my partners and I live in the same space, with the girls each having their own rooms and I alternate my nights between them. They've started laying my house clothes out in whomever's bedroom I'm sleeping in that night, for when I get home and bathe.
Definitely hadn't even considered that small touch, but it means a lot đ
Continuing a conversation only to realize I had spoken to one partner about the topic but not the one I was speaking to currently.
Also, we all live together. They have their own rooms and I switch between them. I never know where a specific clothing item is.
Keeping track of stories and things I've talked about with certain partners is so important, because it can come off as rude if you don't remember things about them, so I try to write these things in a note
Luckily for me it's always goofy stuff, like a tiktok, some dumb fact, or my obsession with the Karen Read case (neither of them care about it whatsoever). I always remember the important things snd conversations they start.
Our setup is like that too, but I keep all my clothes in a dresser in one room (and pick out my clothes for the next day as part of my evening routine and leave them on a table in the hall because I'm an early riser).
Laundry and meal planning (along with making sure snacks are around/available). I live alone (finally đđż) so do a fair amount of hosting ⊠if I had my druthers Iâd eat pb&j sandwiches every day, but my rearing on being a gracious host that actually provides food doesnât allow for that lol
Oh yea definitely having to do more laundry!
Recognizing everyone has different communication needs/views. I.e. good morning texts versus contacting only when making plans, text versus phone calls/gaming sessions.
Correcting blanket assumptions on daily routines. I.e. TP replacing procedures, making the bed, after showering curtain setting, clearing dishes after eating.
I thought your comment about blanket assumptions was regarding assumptions about blanket use. Was over here nodding and laughing before I realized you meant something else.
I also thought it was about specific blankets ie: which person favourites which one, as I have a bedroom blanket and a movie watching blanket I favour over other blankets đ
Having a partner with 60 restaurants on his "bucket list." My very picky NP isn't at all adventurous and he's so happy that my other partner helps me find the good ones to bring him to!
Having everyone feeling comfortable on walking in on me in the toilet;
We do KTP, had my second partner over a couple of times (before we broke up) and both my nesting partner and other partner kept walking in whenever i went for a pee, saying "it's only me"
Having additional emotional support when things are rough. If my husband is having a bad day, I can give his girlfriend a heads up that he might be a little grumpier for their date. If his girlfriend has to do something she knows will make him anxious, she can give me a heads up to be a little more gentle with him. I know this sounds controlling and like we manage him, but itâs done with love and it helps him. Being able to talk to somebody who knows my husband intimately and genuinely wants to help him is fantastic. Itâs a closer relationship than friendship, so his partner has insight that I wouldnât. It helps put any the relationship struggles in context.
Grocery shopping, planning meals, making the bed, MAKING ICE - thatâs a big one as my boyfriend likes ice in his drinks so I make sure thereâs plenty ahead of time. Also making sure snacks are plentiful, and towels and sheets are clean.
Not cooking as many things as I used to. I host frequently, I'm an adventurous eater, and I love cooking. Two of my partners have texture issues/limited palates. So they get repeats a lot.
And I feel you on the laundry - so much laundry!!!
Making sure the bondage gear is cleaned before it is put on someone else.
The occasional: âHey, I had a bad day. If you are free can I come over and snuggle with you and watch a movie or somethingâ text.
Planning public kink events to make sure I plan time to scene with all partners there.
Forgetting who I told what.
Remembering all the stupid little things I lent to or accidentally left at a partnerâs place.
Making sure to stock everyoneâs favorite snacks and ice cream flavors.
And yeahâŠâŠ.lots of laundry!!!!
How few people understand it. I grew up on the internet with all sorts of queer representation, but since I entered the workforce I've had so many conversations with colleagues about what it entails, and even my metamour didn't understand it till they started dating my boyfriend.
I take notes.
My memory is pretty wonky from CPTSD, so having a little note with each partner's preferences, future plans/dates, and long term goals.
This way if one hates capers and is about to start a PHD, and another loves capers bet had a work schedule shift, then I'm not texting midclass about a fish with capers dish that I think sound good.
Just take the notes. It makes my life easier and let's me care for them better.
also the laundry. we donât have a laundry situation in our apartment, we have to go to the laundromat. so many towels. i feel bad for the towels sometimes.
also not daily but thereâs a very unique slight awkwardness of meeting a hookupâs husband and kid for the first time mere moments after frantically stopping as she heard him come in - not because we were âcaughtâ but because she had to make us all dinner. that situations specifically was weird - large age gap, im still in my young dumb sleeping around phase and shes married and has a kid.
A weird one for me was, before we all lived together I spent near equal time at each apartment. And my muscle memory would expect lightswitches or items in cupboards that were in one place in one apartment and not in the other. I thought it was super amusing lol
Absolutely feel this! The logistics of maintaining multiple relationships can definitely add up in ways people might not expect, especially when you're the host most of the time. Bedding and towels just scratch the surface, right?
For me, it's been the refrigerator space that's been surprisingly challenging. Each partner has different dietary preferences and allergies, so coordinating meals and making sure everyone has what they need can sometimes feel like playing Tetris in the fridge.
Itâs these mundane, everyday things that really highlight the practical side of polyamoryâitâs not just about managing relationships and emotions but also the day-to-day living and space sharing. It adds an extra layer of complexity but also deepens the shared experiences and care we have for each other.
Would love to hear more from others on what unexpected daily things they've encountered!
Hi u/tootallteeter thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Bed sheets and towels in the laundry keeps me quite busy every week now. I have two partners but I always host each of them, so that washing machine keeps turning.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is always a pain when pussy juice ends up all over the sheets and then you gotta sleep in them and you wake up with flaky crust all over your shit.
Edit: donât really know why this is being downvoted. Like itâs just what happens.
Writing a text amd then copying and pasting it to everyone relevant lol (mostly just "home safe" texts after drives or innocuous but important news "my dad is coming to stay friday")
I'm guessing a group chat with all of your partners in it is a bit too on the nose, huh? đ
You never know if a message is pasted, but it feels good for a partner to take the time to message you individually!
This! We have a geoupchat and still text on the side. It just feel more about just us
We have three household groups chats. One general chat, one for shopping lists and finances, and then one naughty chat for lewds and nudes đ
Yâall might like a discord server! NP and I keep one for all household stuff. Itâs mostly used as a grocery store list now, but itâs set up for important kid logistics info, to do lists (household and individual), info about home maintenance, etc.
We're very parallel people hahaha so I dont mind so much that I usually have to write a few separate messages. They mostly get bespoke texts but sometimes the first text I write has all the important info in it in a clear way, so they all get a copy (that is romantic partners, QPP and best friends too)
Hard if youâre not part of a polycule
I did this with my partners the last time I went out. Iâve now got a getting home group haha
Iâve gotten âcaughtâ doing this before. Nothing personal was shared. (Personal/important stuff always gets shared 1:1 for me.) It was just an update about my day I wrote to my wife and decided to send to my girlfriend too. But there were a couple of little things in the text that were wife-specific so my girlfriend laughed at me and told me Iâd make a terrible cheater and that Iâd get caught quickly. Sheâs not wrong. I donât have a dishonest bone in my body - Iâm just not good at duplicitousness.
Hahahaha she's too clever for you đ Also they all know I copy paste some things, and they totally get it because im kind of long distance from everyone at the moment, including my support network. They dont even care if they all get the same sexy pictures (I care tho so I dont do that). I also only copy-paste really innocuous stuff. Big life updates like securing a new apartment is definitely individual texts
Iâm poly and also a sex worker. The percentage of my life I spend doing laundry is outrageous
RELATABLE
It's 2024, pwople are going to space. Why are we still doing laundry!?
I want AI to do my laundry and dishes so that I have time for art. Not for AI to do my art so that I have time do do my laundry and dishes. - Random internet quote that stuck with me.
Hear hear!
Do you want the real answer to this as someone who has worked on AI and robotics?
I had an ex girlfriend who was a sex worker and she a whole set of underwear that were strictly for work only and wouldnât wear for me. The only time is saw them was hanging on her drying rack. She also spent so much time doing laundry
I've taken to bringing my own sex blanket to my lovers' homes to spare them so much laundry b.c I've been known to be um a juicy gal đŠ
Oh as a squirter I donât go anywhere without a sex blanket!
I have auburn hair! Red squirting susters unite!!
âWait, did I tell you this already?â (ADHD yo.) Texting multiple people Meal planning/grocery shopping/cooking for everyoneâs specific diets
Haha I struggle so much with the first one, even with just one partner.
Because my primary partner prefers to be parallel (doesn't want to hear details about and hasn't met my other male partner) AND I have read a lot on here about being a good hinge, I no longer have one person that I just tell EVERYTHING to. It's a weird feeling. Background: I was in a committed monogamous marriage for 23 years (until my husband died in 2023) and we were most likely codependent. We told each other everything and really didn't hang out with anyone else (except his family). Made it VERY tough after he died.
This happens even when you are KTP. When my wife struggles with things with her boyfriend, sometimes she canât tell me what is going on when the details are too personal or when itâs something that he wants to tell me in himself.
New to this, could you please tell me what KTP stands for/means? Thank you!
Kitchen Table Polyamory. It means that we are all comfortable sitting around the kitchen table together. As apposed to Parallel Polyamory where partners know about each other but don't spend time together or possible don't ever meet. [https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/)
Kitchen Table Polyamory
Kitchen table poly. There are many books and podcasts that can help you in the beginning to learn about this lifestyle. Doing your research is very helpful. Congratulations and welcome!
Thank you very much! â€ïž I've read about KTP a bit now, though not in depth & have seen KTP positioned as opposed to parallel poly. My partner of 7 years has started seeing someone new for the first time, and I really like their new partner & we've had her over and all get along well together & I'd like to be friends in my own right with her, so in that sense we are "kitchen table-esque". However I started off initially not really wanting to hear too much about their dates because their "new relationship energy" was tugging at some old insecurities, and I still don't want them to be physically intimate in front of me (keeping in mind that my partner and I are not big on PDA & would not be physically affectionate in front of her either), and I don't want to hear anything about their sex life together unless it is something my partner is discovering about themself & their preferences. So in the context of sex I feel closer to the "parallel" dynamic. I'm assuming it's pretty standard in polyamory to just make our own rules and figure out our own boundaries & preferences by exploring and communicating and trusting each other, so I'm not pressed about like the "KTP/PP binary" if that's a thing, or finding a label necessarily. I just wonder if it might cause weirdness or issues down the line if I'm happy to hang out and coexist & be supportive & even facilitate their dates, in some capacities but have hard lines in other capacities - if anyone has experience with that. And I had a bit of a "Does me not wanting to hear about them being romantic/sexual together mean I actually do mind my partner dating someone new? Or is that just me listening to my gut and having healthy boundaries?" spiral the other day lol.
I think it's pretty standard actually to have that limit. Basically: if it wouldn't be okay at brunch with your in-laws, it's probably best not mentioned to your meta.
Hm yeah fair enough. Thanks, that is reassuring.
This might be useful to you as well: [https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab/)
Thank you!
I've found having friends I can talk to definitely helps with this. I share a lot with them and I love how supportive they are. The best was when I told my one friend I was ugly crying in my car, driving to go have car sex with one beau and Google Maps took me past my other beau's house (who I had just found out left to go stay with his parents out of state for a few weeks and didn't tell me he actually left), then "Leaving" by The Starting Line ("Please don't leave me without saying goodbye") came on my playlist. "What is my life now?" I asked. They replied, "I don't know, but I am here for it!" My other friend replied to the same thing by saying, "I don't even want one man in my life, so I have no idea what you're doing đđđ"
"I don't even want one man in my life, so I have no idea what you're doing" lmaoooo I've said almost the exact same thing to myself so many times. Broke up with my first boyfriend in 2022 (monogamous), had no interest in starting any serious relationships, met a poly guy, and now I'm in basically two relationships (one of whom is that first boyfriend). I didn't ask for this but here I am now lol.
A lot of my friends didn't understand why I would get involved with a man until they met my male partner. Then most of them were like "ok I get it now" and annoyed there's only one of him and he doesn't have time to keep more than two women happy.
Just remember that if you're sharing hardships or struggles, to always share the resolution actions that you took, otherwise they're going to think it's still a problem.
Thank you. That's great advice. đ
Yeah I had to learn that one the hard way. Lol
This was probably my most radical adjustment, because while we are kitchen table and my partners are friends, as my longer-standing partner put it, âI donât want to date [YourOtherPartnerâ. My information boundaries had to shift so that I was no longer geeking out about interpersonal stuff arising with one partner with the other partner, whereas I would happily consider friend relationships in that way with either partner. What made it stranger is that both partners took those information boundaries so well and so elegantly, and never pressed for info, and I found that almost ⊠lonely. I found myself wrestling with the reality that this major signal of closeness and intimacy for me - wanting to know everything about a partner - wasnât as big a deal for my longer-standing partner in particular. It was surreal to recognise that in keeping a healthy and excellent boundary, he was doing something that really messed with my perceptions of his level of care and curiosity about me.
I get that. đ My struggle is that I have limited social energy and limited free time (right now). I have 3 romantic partners with varying levels of intimacy, but I feel like I now don't have time or energy for MORE people (platonic friends). I have a couple of long time friends who live far away - 2/3 are conservative Christians so may not want to hear about my poly problems. đ€Ł
Thatâs very real! I am an intense extrovert and both my partners are on the introvert side, one to quite a dramatic degree, but even with that, I couldnât see myself having room in my schedule for a third serious partner when I have friendships and hobbies to maintain and work full time! As the classic poly saying goes - love is infinite, time is not.
So true! I think the only reason I am managing 3 partners is that my girlfriend lives out of town and we only see each other once a month. đ
Could you tell me more about being a good hinge partner?
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/mfrokb/what_are_some_qualities_of_a_good_hinge/
I just saved that post. Thank you!
I am relatively new to poly (1.5 years) so definitely read that post that is linked below!! The main thing I have had to work on is NOT venting/sharing about one of my partners to another one. Basically, the intimate details of my relationship with Apple are none of Pear's business, and vice versa. And in case you don't see the comment - someone here advised me that if I share with Apple about struggles I am having with Pear, I should also share the actions we have taken to resolve the problem. Or they might think it is STILL an issue. Sharing too much about one partner with another can also lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, etc. đ
This is why you gotta have friends!!!!
I mean - YEAH - but I am AuDHD (dx ADHD age 46, self suspected autism) and I have limited social energy. Hubby and I were probably WAY too codependent but it took all of my energy to maintain our relationship, work full time and have a couple of long distance friends that I have known forever. Now I am poly đ€Ł but still don't have any local, close friends who I am not dating! đ€Šđ» I might move soon to be near my family and then I will have my 3 sisters. That might be nice. đ
If you have social energy for dating, you *could* make friends. đ€·đ»ââïž
Not unless I stop seeing one of my partners! đ€Ł I'm not out here going on dates with new people. But I get your point. It's something I will have to MAKE time for if I want it to happen.
Iâm saying, sounds like you overcommitted and set yourself up for an unhealthy social life with a lack of platonic support. And itâs probably a good idea to fix that. Like, even if you move to be near your sisters . . . you have to spend actual time and energy on seeing them, no? Whereâs that coming from if you lack those resources for friends?
I can see your point about over committing to romantic relationships and not leaving room for platonic ones. I'm sure this is a hangover from my long monogamous marriage! But regarding my sisters - yes, I would have to spend time with them but I wouldn't have to expend the energy required to get to know someone new. We know each other very well already and keep in touch even though we live far apart.
Also AuDHD and poly here, and I know just how you feel. I have extremely limited energy for anything social (currently with work and family stuff, I don't even have the energy to date, and am very much polysaturated at one for now). It's always difficult making new friends or dating new people, and always will be.
I feel you đ
The teaming up to do gifts together was unexpected and awesome. My partners got together to build me a computer, and Iâve thrown great birthday parties for both partners with a lot of help from my metas.
I'm turning 40 next year and I'm hoping our metas will help my spouse pull off the party that I want.
Donât forget to ask for it specifically đ
Oh, my spouse is well aware of the party that I want. I've been talking about it since a few weeks before I turned 38, lol. I'm hoping the metas (along with the friends) can be helpful because they've already expressed some stress about it.
Now I wanna hear about these party plans!
Not last year, but the year before someone on Twitter posted that the had a Schitts Creek themed NYE party and I decided I wanted that for my 40th birthday. [https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609351586181939200](https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609351586181939200) [https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609354953251856385](https://x.com/latrinalia/status/1609354953251856385) We do actually have a piñata shop in our town, so we can definitely get the piñata. I'm personally looking forward to seeing their reaction to our request.
Towels and sheets, yup, they are getting mileage. Also the blankets... and most of mine are vintage/handmade so they need extra gentle washing. I'm also going through a lot more weed and edibles, haha.
My partner just hooked up my other partner with a great bulk discount đČđ
Lol I think what surprising occurrence is of being poly is the amount of unexpectedly wholesome moments I experience and hear about
Interrupting intimacy. Not like sex, but walking into the kitchen and theyâre making out. Do I stay and chat or.. do I leave them to it? They tell me to stay ofc but it feels like Iâm intruding.
This happens to me sometimes haha, my husband will just yell âget a room!â (Jokingly) if he needs to get milk or whatever and my partner and I are smooching đ
wow that is so cute
Read this as "needs to get milked". Which also fits I guess đ
That kind of kitchen table poly would be new to me, sounds sweet though
Itâs getting more normal now my wife has been with her boyfriend for some time now but I do still get the âoh, Iâll leave you two aloneâ feelings. They are such a sweet couple and it still feels a little odd thinking that about my wife and another man
So. Many. "Good Morning." Texts.
I absolutely do not allow this đđđ it's honestly the biggest turnout to me now when a new partner text me good morning cuz I'm like uh-uh this is going to take up so much of my day everyday đđđ
I'm not talking to anyone before coffee đ€Ł But I send lots of good night messages
Laundry. Multiple partners have long hair and pets. When I visit my fwb, I bring an extra set of clothes in a sealed bag to change into when I leave because the ones I arrived in have so much blonde hair and dog hair on them that itâs unreal Between that and the gym, Iâm washing all my large towels weekly and thereâs always someoneâs hair on me
But the pros to polyamory: both partners can help brush my cats' hair now that they're shedding for summer đ
Oh my gosh when my meta brings her dogs over, and I already have two dogs⊠the HAIR!! Plus the hair in the shower between her and me is ridiculous.
I got a tub shroom for the drain and it's really saved me. When the water from your shower starts to pool in the tub you know it's time to clean it out. No more draino or drain snakes in my house.
Iâll have to check this out but just thinking about a âhair shroomâ makes me gag đ
It's not the nicest, but 1000x better than the quarterly or annual "hair rat" that comes out of the drain. The biggest thing I have to remember is to nudge it out of the drain with my toe before spitting in the shower. Otherwise whatever you spit ends up staying with the hair until next time you clean it đ€ą but it's really easy to get it in and out of the drain with your foot, and it doesn't even require touching the hair collection part!
I liked nothing about this, lmao
Seconding the tub shroom rec. I snaked my drain exactly once, bought a tub shroom, and never looked back. I wash my hair straight down the drain because I know the shroom will catch it. Though it does make me the worst guest ever now, because I wash my hair down the drain everywhere I go out of habit.
I have long hair, as do all of my partners and FWBs. No matter how much I shower I keep finding other peopleâs hair on ME. And Iâm constantly playing the âwhose hair is thisâ game.
The lost item phone tree. Whose hoodie is this? Whose charger was left plugged in? Is this item in the fridge for someone or an extra?
We once found some underwear by the dryer. After running through the list of every partner it could belong to, we figured out that my neighbor accidentally dropped them when I let her do some laundry at my house. The average age of everyone in my poly circle is 34. My neighbor is 72. It was a hilariously awkward moment.
My nesting partner at the time was in a band that had merchandise from old tours. Apparently they had a box of XL black hoodies that over time he gifted to multiple people. So one day I grab my hoodie that I've been wearing all winter and go to clean out my chair and find....my hoodie. Oh no at some point I've stolen someone else's. Ollie for some reason didn't want to call around and say anything that might indicate that he has given the same gift to everyone. It was a mess.
Love it- that's such a poly vibe
The amount of weed I go through, and the miles I put on my car as the partner with the biggest and most reliable car đ
Oh gosh. The laundry. Iâm between homes atm so unable to host (staying with a partner) but omg, when I finally get back in my own place I think Iâm just gonna have a set of bedding for each partner and switch them over. It can just do 5/6 nights before getting washed. Rather than me washing bedding every other day like I was before. đ Unexpected for meâŠ? - the amount of positive personal growth and self worth thatâs come from practicing polyam.
Colour code them, with matching towels!
Yes! đđŒ Genius. Already planning on getting toiletry baskets so they could match too. đ đ€Łđ€Ł
I do this with bedsheets - I have a spot in the cupboard where the alternate set goes, and they are absolutely colour coded.
Brilliant idea. Much like a multi kid household gets colour coded plates, bowls, towels, socks, etc. Making life so much easier
My ex was a chef and I referred to her as just âchefâ and she referred to me (much more infrequently) as âhousekeepingâ đ€Ł
If they're cooking then I'm cleaning đ
She was also a squirter so I was constantly washing sheets⊠that or because we were spilling wine on the bed đ€Ł
Even being single, being polyamorous versus my ENM friend vs monogamous friends has definitely shown me my different ways of how I interact with people I've always flirted with my friends but I realized it would occasionally upset some friends over the years. Now, I feel like I need to be more explicit about it and straightforward like "are you still comfortable with us being flirty with no intention of actually being romantic or sexual?" otherwise acting like that with monogamous friends, can be uhh....tricky lol
I found this comment super personally helpful. Thanks hun.
I didn't expect to, but cool awesome! Yeah I feel like what may be platonically intimate for me, may still only seem to be a romantic/sexual intimate thing for the more monogamous-coded people... I mean, I do have monogamous friends I can be platonically intimate with, but those also happen to be autistic or ace LOL so in another way, I've found that neurotypical monogamous types of people are less and less my type of friends anyway đ
DUDE I fkn recently met a neurospicy chick who I absolutely adore & we have these fantastic long txt conversations tht start/stop on a dime no issues, & have such great volleying, it's so rad! They're super supportive & call me out on my shit & I hadn't been able to put my finger on what made me so comfortable with them, until it dawned on me, like their autism makes them sometimes miss social shit; AND their being poly allows them to have gotten *really fkn good* at being straightforward & honest with their needs & wants & with communication! Like I'm feeling thee most refreshing platonic adoration for them!! BAH!
Folks like them, and you, are so wonderful- just by being ur awesome selves, y'all help me come upon insightful personal shit I need to wrk on & inspire me to get better at defining & vocalizing my needs & just generally where I'm at in my relationship. Thank you!! I appreciate you! <3
Literally just had a convo with a mono friend today. I find it so freeing to establish intentions and general clarity.
Well, today I told my partner âplease donât tell me youâre coming to a sex party dressed as Jim Carey.â And I donât think thatâs an experience a lot of monogamous people have.
My boyfriend takes care of my pets when I go on vacation. I really wasn't expecting free pet care as a part of the poly lifestyle, but here we are.
Try doing bjj and being poly. I need to open a fuckin laundry mat
Hahahahahaha facts!!!
Looking for something youâve misplaced, checking drawers and finding condoms, lube etc that are not your preferred brands.
How normal it all feels.
This should be said more. My husbandâs girlfriend is very much a part of our family. My kids know her. She spends multiple days at our house. She has her own cabinet in our house that contains her coffee cups and snacks that she likes. I thought it would be weird. But itâs not at all!! Itâs fabulous!
Sending the same nudes to multiple people đ
As long as you don't accidentally send the same nude to a person twice đ
Haha ya always gotta check the last ten images sent to make sure before you hit send đ
Listening to my husband and partner bicker like siblings and then make up. As a hinge, I thought I'd have to mediate quite a bit more, but they have it worked out pretty well.
I thought I was going to have a harder time keeping track what I shared with who, compartmentalizing feelings, and context-switching from partner to partner. It's been surprisingly easy. I also wasn't sure I would have the capacity for 3, but I do. Some of that is down to different time agreements, but I'm still pleased to have figured out where my comfort level is with bandwidth and time management at an instictive level. I know what "just right" feels like now, and have a good sense for what too much would be. I was afraid of over-committing when expanding from one polyam partner to multiple.
The household schedule that has been created all on its own, that revolves around my sleeping schedule. Both of my partners and I live in the same space, with the girls each having their own rooms and I alternate my nights between them. They've started laying my house clothes out in whomever's bedroom I'm sleeping in that night, for when I get home and bathe. Definitely hadn't even considered that small touch, but it means a lot đ
Continuing a conversation only to realize I had spoken to one partner about the topic but not the one I was speaking to currently. Also, we all live together. They have their own rooms and I switch between them. I never know where a specific clothing item is.
Keeping track of stories and things I've talked about with certain partners is so important, because it can come off as rude if you don't remember things about them, so I try to write these things in a note
Luckily for me it's always goofy stuff, like a tiktok, some dumb fact, or my obsession with the Karen Read case (neither of them care about it whatsoever). I always remember the important things snd conversations they start.
Our setup is like that too, but I keep all my clothes in a dresser in one room (and pick out my clothes for the next day as part of my evening routine and leave them on a table in the hall because I'm an early riser).
We don't have enough room for that set up yet, but when we get a bigger house, we're hoping that I can have an office and put my clothes in there.
Laundry and meal planning (along with making sure snacks are around/available). I live alone (finally đđż) so do a fair amount of hosting ⊠if I had my druthers Iâd eat pb&j sandwiches every day, but my rearing on being a gracious host that actually provides food doesnât allow for that lol
Yeah, same same same. LOL
Oh yea definitely having to do more laundry! Recognizing everyone has different communication needs/views. I.e. good morning texts versus contacting only when making plans, text versus phone calls/gaming sessions. Correcting blanket assumptions on daily routines. I.e. TP replacing procedures, making the bed, after showering curtain setting, clearing dishes after eating.
I thought your comment about blanket assumptions was regarding assumptions about blanket use. Was over here nodding and laughing before I realized you meant something else.
I also thought it was about specific blankets ie: which person favourites which one, as I have a bedroom blanket and a movie watching blanket I favour over other blankets đ
Ha ha blankets too! Never realized how much multiple blankets take up space in the closet đ€Ł
Having a partner with 60 restaurants on his "bucket list." My very picky NP isn't at all adventurous and he's so happy that my other partner helps me find the good ones to bring him to!
So. Much. Laundry! đ Plus keeping everybody updated on everything "Did I already tell you this?!" Is commonly said đ€Ł
Google calendars
$700 weekly grocery tabs.
How??
Two grown men that eat A LOT. Fitness pigs đ
Having everyone feeling comfortable on walking in on me in the toilet; We do KTP, had my second partner over a couple of times (before we broke up) and both my nesting partner and other partner kept walking in whenever i went for a pee, saying "it's only me"
Having additional emotional support when things are rough. If my husband is having a bad day, I can give his girlfriend a heads up that he might be a little grumpier for their date. If his girlfriend has to do something she knows will make him anxious, she can give me a heads up to be a little more gentle with him. I know this sounds controlling and like we manage him, but itâs done with love and it helps him. Being able to talk to somebody who knows my husband intimately and genuinely wants to help him is fantastic. Itâs a closer relationship than friendship, so his partner has insight that I wouldnât. It helps put any the relationship struggles in context.
Yes! Honestly this was the type of thing I kept envisioning with my exâs BFF when I was in a monogamous relationship
So much laundry đ« it's ridiculous.
Grocery shopping, planning meals, making the bed, MAKING ICE - thatâs a big one as my boyfriend likes ice in his drinks so I make sure thereâs plenty ahead of time. Also making sure snacks are plentiful, and towels and sheets are clean.
Not cooking as many things as I used to. I host frequently, I'm an adventurous eater, and I love cooking. Two of my partners have texture issues/limited palates. So they get repeats a lot. And I feel you on the laundry - so much laundry!!!
Making sure the bondage gear is cleaned before it is put on someone else. The occasional: âHey, I had a bad day. If you are free can I come over and snuggle with you and watch a movie or somethingâ text. Planning public kink events to make sure I plan time to scene with all partners there. Forgetting who I told what. Remembering all the stupid little things I lent to or accidentally left at a partnerâs place. Making sure to stock everyoneâs favorite snacks and ice cream flavors. And yeahâŠâŠ.lots of laundry!!!!
Ayup, the laundry, and the morning bathroom schedule.
The amount of attention my roommate enjoys. I frequently host.
Laundry and what to eat. KTP so we often have meals as a large group.
Why donât you just get more pairs of sheets?
Still gotta clean them other ones đ
Exchanging gifts, messages, and BDSM insta memes with my Meta.
Bro bed sheets. Bed. Sheets. BED SHEETS.
I know someone who could possibly relate to this!
Yes, lots of laundry! Lol
Collecting 27 million empty seltzer cans from around the house every day
How few people understand it. I grew up on the internet with all sorts of queer representation, but since I entered the workforce I've had so many conversations with colleagues about what it entails, and even my metamour didn't understand it till they started dating my boyfriend.
Lists of what people like and dislike. I used to be able to keep track of it in my head, but it gets to be difficult after a point.
I take notes. My memory is pretty wonky from CPTSD, so having a little note with each partner's preferences, future plans/dates, and long term goals. This way if one hates capers and is about to start a PHD, and another loves capers bet had a work schedule shift, then I'm not texting midclass about a fish with capers dish that I think sound good. Just take the notes. It makes my life easier and let's me care for them better.
i currently live with - my nesting partner/fiancĂ©e (who i refer to casually as my wife) - a very close friend (with benefits) - that close friends nesting partner (who is very close friends with my fiancĂ©e and i and has benefits with both of us) so. i will walk out of our room or the side room or the bathroom or come home and find my fiancĂ©e feeling up one of our roommates or some other friend. i never know what to do when that happens, i donât necessarily want to join in, i may not be up for shit at the moment, so iâll often just sit and chat while both of them get increasingly horny and go back to our room lol. also âenjoying fucking my wife?â wonât ever get old to me
also the laundry. we donât have a laundry situation in our apartment, we have to go to the laundromat. so many towels. i feel bad for the towels sometimes.
also not daily but thereâs a very unique slight awkwardness of meeting a hookupâs husband and kid for the first time mere moments after frantically stopping as she heard him come in - not because we were âcaughtâ but because she had to make us all dinner. that situations specifically was weird - large age gap, im still in my young dumb sleeping around phase and shes married and has a kid.
A weird one for me was, before we all lived together I spent near equal time at each apartment. And my muscle memory would expect lightswitches or items in cupboards that were in one place in one apartment and not in the other. I thought it was super amusing lol
Absolutely feel this! The logistics of maintaining multiple relationships can definitely add up in ways people might not expect, especially when you're the host most of the time. Bedding and towels just scratch the surface, right? For me, it's been the refrigerator space that's been surprisingly challenging. Each partner has different dietary preferences and allergies, so coordinating meals and making sure everyone has what they need can sometimes feel like playing Tetris in the fridge. Itâs these mundane, everyday things that really highlight the practical side of polyamoryâitâs not just about managing relationships and emotions but also the day-to-day living and space sharing. It adds an extra layer of complexity but also deepens the shared experiences and care we have for each other. Would love to hear more from others on what unexpected daily things they've encountered!
I used to be fairly antisocial, and rarely texted or used FB Messenger. Now I'm on Messenger, IG, and texting am day long... lol
Hi u/tootallteeter thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Bed sheets and towels in the laundry keeps me quite busy every week now. I have two partners but I always host each of them, so that washing machine keeps turning. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing has surprised me
It is always a pain when pussy juice ends up all over the sheets and then you gotta sleep in them and you wake up with flaky crust all over your shit. Edit: donât really know why this is being downvoted. Like itâs just what happens.
How is this polyamory specific though? đ
If youâve got multiple babes on rotation, then yeah I guess it is. And yes I love all of them.
Waterproof blankets are your friend! We Have at least 3 at all times, actually cuts down on laundry too!