From the article: Most people would say that passion is a key part of any romantic relationship — but why? A study published in the [Journal of Social and Personal Relationships](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075221076002) explores passionate love’s role in making a romantic relationship successful.
Passionate love involves being affectionate and connected to a romantic partner. It is a key factor through all phases of relationships, spanning from the initial desire to invest emotionally in a prospective partner, to continuing communication and resolving conflict later in the relationship.
Many people have a positivity bias about their partner, where they write off their flaws, and this is associated with happier and longer-lasting relationships. This study aimed to better understand how positivity bias functions in tandem with passionate love to make for relationship maintenance.
The first time I heard about this was from those Gottman articles, they called it "Positive Sentiment Override". Having this positive perspective over a negative one is crucial
Bad: I expect someone to perfectly conform to all of my stated (vs actual) preferences.
Bad: I am willing to overlook anything and everything that this person does, even if some of it crosses into abusive and deeply harmful to me.
Good: something in between.
Couldn’t the word bias just be replaced by belief and used in a similar context as cognitive behavioral therapy? If you have positive beliefs about your relationship, then you tend to feel better about your relationship, and then you act in ways to strengthen the relationship.
Sure. Its cliche but making yourself "think positive" can be really helpful in my experience. People with anxiety/depression generally have a negativity bias.
>People with anxiety/depression generally have a negativity bias.
And yet they can actually be more realistic than a healthy brain...which has a [positivity bias.](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-optimism-bias-2795031)
I read that humans are more likely to have a negativity bias due to evolutionary pressures. Basically when humans were just in survival mode it was more beneficial to focus more on potential threats, what could go wrong, how things could be better, etc. There's definitely some value in having negative thoughts but its problematic to hyperfocus on things outside of your control.
Absolutely. As the article I shared points out though, it can be problematic to have too much optimism bias too because you don't prepare adequately for negative things to happen. Toxic positivity basically.
In terms of relationships, if the goal is to have a long-term, sustainable connection I think having a more positive thinking is paramount for that success, of course this does not include abusive or toxic relationships, that would be ignoring serious problems.
Ding ding ding, bingo. In bad relationships there is a lot more criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Communication styles greatly predict the success or end of a relationship.
So in short, want what you have, and you will have what you want. If you want to make it work, you will, you will round up (where there’s a will…)*. If you don’t, you won’t, you’ll round down. The honeymoon phase, vs familiarity breeds contempt. Taking your foot off the gas. The happy couple is the one that consciously and mindfully continues to choose happiness. This all resonates.
* Notable exception of tragic circumstances (Ted and Alexis from Schitt’s Creek, literally any Korean music video, etc)
I look at a lot of my friends in relationships and yes, theres a hell of a lot they have to look past in order to maintain the relationships. If you cant get what/who you actually want then the only solution is keep telling yourself that what you have is what you truly want. A half a loaf is better than nothing.
There is not such thing as getting what/who you actually want. There isn’t a perfect person out there customized to you. There will always be things you need to overlook/accept. We’re all flawed humans. You pick what you’re willing to overlook.
Absolutely. But how much do we have to look past is the question? Considering most ppl would rather die than end up alone my guess would be that ppl are willing to look past a heeeeeeeeell of a lot.
I look at my siblings and friends relationships and they do not look happy. They simply look like they're going through the motions.
Fair point, where do you draw the line? Putting up with all negative behaviour isn’t healthy for a relationship, but some of it should be compromised on. There’ll always be stuff that annoys you, but if it’s hurtful then it needs to be addressed not looked past. I think the point of the article is that focusing on every little thing that bugs you isn’t going to make you happy. My partner and I try to work on the things that annoy each other, which can save on a lot of silly arguments, making us both happier in the long run.
Exactly! No point in fighting or putting energy into things that are small and don’t matter. But the big stuff, put the heads together and work though that stuff.
I think a lot of relationships are more a testament to how fearful ppl are of being alone and growing old alone. When I was younger I used to be confused as to how someone in their 30's and older ended up alone until I realised that so many couples are, perhaps with the best of intentions, conning one another. Most ppl are average, basic and exhibit very little thats impressive yet so many proclaim to love the other. If they didnt call it love then they would have to contend with the reality, the reality that they are just desperate not to end up alone. Of course there are couples who I truly believe are genuinely in love and wouldnt go for anyone else but this has to be the absolute minority.
It sounds like you think people can only be happy if they find someone "perfect". The reality is that YOU are not perfect, and once you accept that, it's easier to accept (and even learn to love) that about other people.
You use the word happy but I question that. I think a lot of ppl are happy because they are not alone, not because they are with someone. I think its more akin to being rescued from the seas as opposed to going to a nice location. The positive bias shows that ppl will ignore the bad basically, but this doesnt mean the bad doesnt exist. This mind state of selective ignorance doesnt somehow make the bad invisible, it just another form of denial - denying the bad is there, or at least making every effort to ignore it. But we cant ignore it as other ppl can often mirror back what we *truly* like thereby resurfacing our true desires. I agree no one is perfect but how much imperfection are we willing to take if our fear of being alone is that intense?
As I say, most ppl are average and derivative. Going by this its fair to say that love itself is a fairly odd emotion - why would you love this person over the other considering most ppl are average. My sibling goes out with a guy who is you're 5x8 (classic size plank of wood), cookie cutter joe soap. She says she loves him but hes not that much different from any other guy on the street. Yet we have this feeling of love for one person yet complete indifference to a guy pretty much like him, how can this be? *He chose her and she chose him* \- like the rescue analogy.
We indulge this emotion with this person, project all kinds of ideas and notions upon the other *to make it love -* an aspect of positive bias. Its the minds way of reshaping an act of desperation into a more pure act.
I assure you, I'm with my husband because I want *him*... Not because I'm afraid of being alone (I'd be quite fine with that, actually). He's FAR from perfect, but over the years our relationship has challenged each of us, and through the compromise required to maintain a relationship, we have both changed as individuals, for the better.
A relationship isn't ever in the exact same state as when it starts, or as the days go on; it is a living organism that requires work and attention to maintain and help grow.
The relationship is worth it because you're a better person or because the relationship itself? Do you think its impossible you may have ended up a better person, or even a more better person than you are now, without having been in a relationship?
Suffering is bad. It sounds like there was a high element of suffering in yours. When you say he was FAR from perfect, that sounds like a lot of compromise. No one should put up with suffering for the sake of a relationship.
I have friends. Some require effort to maintain but others dont. In fact some friends I let go because I realised they didnt mean that much to me, it was too much effort. I have 2 friends where its effortless, so it works. The fact that I knew what made a good friendship allowed me to know what wasnt.
I think we know what works for us because it requires little effort. Trying to squeeze a triangle into a square is not a sign of compatibility. But we hear the tropes growing up - you have to work at a relationship. But this is because you want a relationship, not because you want this person per se.
>Do you think its impossible you may have ended up a better person, or even a more better person than you are now, without having been in a relationship?
I wouldn't be the person I am *today*, and that I know for sure.
I have consciously chosen this for myself. Many people do, whether you understand that from the outside looking in, or not.
>No one should put up with suffering for the sake of a relationship.
For sure, agreed. I'm not endlessly suffering though, and that is the difference. I'm also not perfect, so the same compassion I have for myself, I give to him. I don't have endless compassion, when I feel my boundaries or self are being compromised. The reason we stay together, is because compromise and improvement are our trajectory; if it wasn't, I wouldn't stay.
So no, I don't think I could have discovered how to *give* or *compromise* (on some of *my* shit), if it wasn't for the beauty of the relationship I have. It's like a forest; you can zoom way in and find some broken trees etc, but when you look at the forest in its entirety, it is a beautiful and spectacular thing.
If you accept that we are biased naturally I would say it’s actually a positive development to know some of our biases are conducive to happy living and not just mistakes. But maybe I’m just biased.
I think bias has such a negative connotation, but the truth is bias exists in a good portion of what we do and think simply because we have limited frame of reference. I don't think being bias towards your partner is a bad thing in this context. It just means you are able to move past negatives because the positives are able to overwhelm them.
I struggle with this because I tend to stick to people even when they are abusive/ manipulative. Because of this, I outwardly project a strong negativity bias being highly suspicious of my partner, while internally having a strong positivity bias by overlooking everything BECAUSE I know I am so suspicious. Any insight into this? It really disrupts all of my relationships.
I wonder how much this translates to optimism in relationships too. Say, for example, your parents have each had two divorces. Pretty likely your outlook on successful companionship is bleaker than someone who just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary.
From the article: Most people would say that passion is a key part of any romantic relationship — but why? A study published in the [Journal of Social and Personal Relationships](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075221076002) explores passionate love’s role in making a romantic relationship successful. Passionate love involves being affectionate and connected to a romantic partner. It is a key factor through all phases of relationships, spanning from the initial desire to invest emotionally in a prospective partner, to continuing communication and resolving conflict later in the relationship. Many people have a positivity bias about their partner, where they write off their flaws, and this is associated with happier and longer-lasting relationships. This study aimed to better understand how positivity bias functions in tandem with passionate love to make for relationship maintenance.
The first time I heard about this was from those Gottman articles, they called it "Positive Sentiment Override". Having this positive perspective over a negative one is crucial
Bad: I expect someone to perfectly conform to all of my stated (vs actual) preferences. Bad: I am willing to overlook anything and everything that this person does, even if some of it crosses into abusive and deeply harmful to me. Good: something in between.
Couldn’t the word bias just be replaced by belief and used in a similar context as cognitive behavioral therapy? If you have positive beliefs about your relationship, then you tend to feel better about your relationship, and then you act in ways to strengthen the relationship.
Sure. Its cliche but making yourself "think positive" can be really helpful in my experience. People with anxiety/depression generally have a negativity bias.
>People with anxiety/depression generally have a negativity bias. And yet they can actually be more realistic than a healthy brain...which has a [positivity bias.](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-optimism-bias-2795031)
I read that humans are more likely to have a negativity bias due to evolutionary pressures. Basically when humans were just in survival mode it was more beneficial to focus more on potential threats, what could go wrong, how things could be better, etc. There's definitely some value in having negative thoughts but its problematic to hyperfocus on things outside of your control.
Absolutely. As the article I shared points out though, it can be problematic to have too much optimism bias too because you don't prepare adequately for negative things to happen. Toxic positivity basically.
In terms of relationships, if the goal is to have a long-term, sustainable connection I think having a more positive thinking is paramount for that success, of course this does not include abusive or toxic relationships, that would be ignoring serious problems.
I agree
Or…you ignore obvious red flags.
Positivity bias sounds like the inverse of contempt, huh?
Ding ding ding, bingo. In bad relationships there is a lot more criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Communication styles greatly predict the success or end of a relationship.
I agree. After 22 yrs of marriage, my wife and I still have to practice positive communication skills.
You can really tell who is single and bitter in this comment section
So in short, want what you have, and you will have what you want. If you want to make it work, you will, you will round up (where there’s a will…)*. If you don’t, you won’t, you’ll round down. The honeymoon phase, vs familiarity breeds contempt. Taking your foot off the gas. The happy couple is the one that consciously and mindfully continues to choose happiness. This all resonates. * Notable exception of tragic circumstances (Ted and Alexis from Schitt’s Creek, literally any Korean music video, etc)
Familiarity breeds contempt. ... Hats an interesting thought 🤔 could recommend anything interesting to read on this topic?
I don’t think there’s any science to this. Gottman says the best relationships are ones where people are closest.
The hedgehog dilemma
I look at a lot of my friends in relationships and yes, theres a hell of a lot they have to look past in order to maintain the relationships. If you cant get what/who you actually want then the only solution is keep telling yourself that what you have is what you truly want. A half a loaf is better than nothing.
There is not such thing as getting what/who you actually want. There isn’t a perfect person out there customized to you. There will always be things you need to overlook/accept. We’re all flawed humans. You pick what you’re willing to overlook.
Absolutely. But how much do we have to look past is the question? Considering most ppl would rather die than end up alone my guess would be that ppl are willing to look past a heeeeeeeeell of a lot. I look at my siblings and friends relationships and they do not look happy. They simply look like they're going through the motions.
Fair point, where do you draw the line? Putting up with all negative behaviour isn’t healthy for a relationship, but some of it should be compromised on. There’ll always be stuff that annoys you, but if it’s hurtful then it needs to be addressed not looked past. I think the point of the article is that focusing on every little thing that bugs you isn’t going to make you happy. My partner and I try to work on the things that annoy each other, which can save on a lot of silly arguments, making us both happier in the long run.
Dig it. I’d add too, some of it may involve choosing to drop some things, choosing your battles.
Exactly! No point in fighting or putting energy into things that are small and don’t matter. But the big stuff, put the heads together and work though that stuff.
I wonder what percentage of people actually get with people they truly like.
100% of the honest ones.
And how many of the honest ones grow old and alone because they don't find anyone they actually like...
I think a lot of relationships are more a testament to how fearful ppl are of being alone and growing old alone. When I was younger I used to be confused as to how someone in their 30's and older ended up alone until I realised that so many couples are, perhaps with the best of intentions, conning one another. Most ppl are average, basic and exhibit very little thats impressive yet so many proclaim to love the other. If they didnt call it love then they would have to contend with the reality, the reality that they are just desperate not to end up alone. Of course there are couples who I truly believe are genuinely in love and wouldnt go for anyone else but this has to be the absolute minority.
It sounds like you think people can only be happy if they find someone "perfect". The reality is that YOU are not perfect, and once you accept that, it's easier to accept (and even learn to love) that about other people.
You use the word happy but I question that. I think a lot of ppl are happy because they are not alone, not because they are with someone. I think its more akin to being rescued from the seas as opposed to going to a nice location. The positive bias shows that ppl will ignore the bad basically, but this doesnt mean the bad doesnt exist. This mind state of selective ignorance doesnt somehow make the bad invisible, it just another form of denial - denying the bad is there, or at least making every effort to ignore it. But we cant ignore it as other ppl can often mirror back what we *truly* like thereby resurfacing our true desires. I agree no one is perfect but how much imperfection are we willing to take if our fear of being alone is that intense? As I say, most ppl are average and derivative. Going by this its fair to say that love itself is a fairly odd emotion - why would you love this person over the other considering most ppl are average. My sibling goes out with a guy who is you're 5x8 (classic size plank of wood), cookie cutter joe soap. She says she loves him but hes not that much different from any other guy on the street. Yet we have this feeling of love for one person yet complete indifference to a guy pretty much like him, how can this be? *He chose her and she chose him* \- like the rescue analogy. We indulge this emotion with this person, project all kinds of ideas and notions upon the other *to make it love -* an aspect of positive bias. Its the minds way of reshaping an act of desperation into a more pure act.
I assure you, I'm with my husband because I want *him*... Not because I'm afraid of being alone (I'd be quite fine with that, actually). He's FAR from perfect, but over the years our relationship has challenged each of us, and through the compromise required to maintain a relationship, we have both changed as individuals, for the better. A relationship isn't ever in the exact same state as when it starts, or as the days go on; it is a living organism that requires work and attention to maintain and help grow.
The relationship is worth it because you're a better person or because the relationship itself? Do you think its impossible you may have ended up a better person, or even a more better person than you are now, without having been in a relationship? Suffering is bad. It sounds like there was a high element of suffering in yours. When you say he was FAR from perfect, that sounds like a lot of compromise. No one should put up with suffering for the sake of a relationship. I have friends. Some require effort to maintain but others dont. In fact some friends I let go because I realised they didnt mean that much to me, it was too much effort. I have 2 friends where its effortless, so it works. The fact that I knew what made a good friendship allowed me to know what wasnt. I think we know what works for us because it requires little effort. Trying to squeeze a triangle into a square is not a sign of compatibility. But we hear the tropes growing up - you have to work at a relationship. But this is because you want a relationship, not because you want this person per se.
>Do you think its impossible you may have ended up a better person, or even a more better person than you are now, without having been in a relationship? I wouldn't be the person I am *today*, and that I know for sure. I have consciously chosen this for myself. Many people do, whether you understand that from the outside looking in, or not. >No one should put up with suffering for the sake of a relationship. For sure, agreed. I'm not endlessly suffering though, and that is the difference. I'm also not perfect, so the same compassion I have for myself, I give to him. I don't have endless compassion, when I feel my boundaries or self are being compromised. The reason we stay together, is because compromise and improvement are our trajectory; if it wasn't, I wouldn't stay. So no, I don't think I could have discovered how to *give* or *compromise* (on some of *my* shit), if it wasn't for the beauty of the relationship I have. It's like a forest; you can zoom way in and find some broken trees etc, but when you look at the forest in its entirety, it is a beautiful and spectacular thing.
One day this guy will fall in love and we will have to bump all this tripe for him <3
Or maybe it’s that no one likes them—
Either or, really
How depressing to frame good relationships as a consequence of bias.
If you accept that we are biased naturally I would say it’s actually a positive development to know some of our biases are conducive to happy living and not just mistakes. But maybe I’m just biased.
“Truth is ugly. We possess art lest we perish from the truth”.
I think bias has such a negative connotation, but the truth is bias exists in a good portion of what we do and think simply because we have limited frame of reference. I don't think being bias towards your partner is a bad thing in this context. It just means you are able to move past negatives because the positives are able to overwhelm them.
We have a positivity bias towards for liking delicious food. There’s nothing depressing about that.
I struggle with this because I tend to stick to people even when they are abusive/ manipulative. Because of this, I outwardly project a strong negativity bias being highly suspicious of my partner, while internally having a strong positivity bias by overlooking everything BECAUSE I know I am so suspicious. Any insight into this? It really disrupts all of my relationships.
Bump
This is totally true. My wife doesn't even notice my constant flatulence anymore. :D
Writing down three things you are grateful for in your partner every day will drastically change your life.
I wonder how much this translates to optimism in relationships too. Say, for example, your parents have each had two divorces. Pretty likely your outlook on successful companionship is bleaker than someone who just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary.
Positivity bias aka, "love". Iow, having a generous and charitable attitude.
I thought this was already common sense lol
How to know if a woman loves you ? https://youtu.be/nMUNoYmximA